As Long As You're There
by Montelini
Summary: 'All my life I've waited for the right moment to let you know I don't wanna let you go. So I refuse to waste one more second without you cause I don't need anything else but your love. Nothing but you means a thing to me and I'm incomplete when you're not there.' - A Linstead-story about joy, sorrows, laughters, tears, happiness, fights and of course lots of love.
1. Days Like This

**So this story was created out of my current desperation about the lack of any Linstead scenes. Seriously, I'm usually a really patient person and for WEEKS I kept telling myself ″It's a cop show, they can't do Linstead every week.″ But what we got since the Molly's episode is nothing but a joke.** **I mean, what is the reason to bring them together (which was kinda rushed in my opinion) and then give the viewers NADA for weeks/months? And with Derek's little announcement on Saturday, my patience went completely west. I totally understand that sometimes things don't go as planned but what is the reason to hype something up for FOUR months, releasing interviews and articles and answer questions about it every week, seeing the fans getting more and more excited about it with every week passing and then dropping the bomb like ″we're sorry, it doesn't work.″ Really? I don't get it. This is beyond any kind of professionalism...  
**

 **Well, I'll stop complaining now, things won't change anyway. This story is just simply my way of dealing with it. I guess it will be one for the long run as I have sooooo many ideas.**

 **As you may have already noticed, English is not my native tongue, so I kindly apologize for any mistakes. I try my very best but of course my variety of words is limited and my grammar isn't perfect but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. And I don't any of the songs I might use in the future either.  
**

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 **1\. Days Like This**

″You should go home,″ Jay said when he walked into the break room of the bullpen. Erin was sitting on the table, had her head covered in her hands.

″I'm fine,″ she answered, coughing hardly. Jay couldn't express how much he hated that answer. She always said she was fine and she would always say she's fine even tough it was obvious that she was not. Not at all.

″C'mon Erin, you're not.″

″What makes you think that?″ she asked and forced a little smile when looking at him.

 _Because you look absolutely terrible_ , he wanted to say for a second, but then decided not to be that mean. Instead he searched for some nicer words that basically meant the same.

″Cause you're face color favors a ghost, your eyes are tired as you haven't slept in weeks and you're coughing like you're smoking at least thirty cigarettes a day. But most of all, because you're drinking tea,″ he smirked and looked at the steaming cup in front of her. That was the clear sign that she didn't feel well at all. Normally nothing could seperate her from her beloved coffee, especially not tea.

″Honestly Jay, it's not that bad. And the tea helps and tastes better than expected. Surprisingly.″

″I guess a warm bed and some hours of sleep would help you even more.″ Erin wanted to roll her eyes but when she saw the look in his eyes, she didn't. He was really concerned. Instead, she stood up, took his hand in hers and looked into his great blue eyes that attracted her so much.

″It's sweet that you're worried about me. Really. But I'm fine. At least I don't feel bad enough for laying in my bed all day. Without you,″ she whispered and grinned at him. He looked down into her face, into those beautiful hazel eyes, that were more green today due to the fever she clearly had. He sighed. He had absolutely no chance to get her home into her bed. She was simply not that kind of girl that would stay at home because she was 'a little' sick. He knew that. And hated it. Sometimes he wished to have a little more influence on her and her decisions, especially when it came to these 'I'm-fine'-topics.

Of course Jay knew exactly where this came from. She was never allowed to be weak when she was a child, a teenager. She was never allowed to show weaknesses, to have fears and be afraid of something. She always had to be the strong girl. The fighting one. The one who raised her little brother. The one who was there for her junkie mother. The one with a father in jail. The one that always ran away when life got tough and still had that habit today. And somehow she had built up kind of her own world around herself. A world where she was vulnerable inside but would never show it to anyone else outside. And although everything of this had happened a long time ago, she still hardly let anyone in to her world. He knew that and he accepted it. Step by step she allowed him to be a part of her world and shared some things about her past and her feelings from time to time. They still had a long way to go but for now he was satisfied with everything she told him once in a while. Dealing with her past and trusting someone completely was her biggest struggle and he didn't want to push her into anything. He knew her in and out. Sometimes he had the feeling, that he even knew her better than she knew herself.

″Hey there, Erin to Jay, are you still here?″ Erin interrupted his thoughts and laughed.

″Uhm, yeah, sorry...″ It took him some seconds to find his point again. ″You know, you have that flu or whatever it is for days now, so maybe you should go and see a doctor...″

″Jaaaayy...″ Her voice was quite bugged.

″Just sayin'...″, he said and held his hands up in defence. This discussion was an endless and senseless one.

″Look, isn't it enough that Ruzek and Atwater are already at home, dying?″ she laughed. Atwater has brought in those bad bacteria to the bullpen. He had it from his little sister and she certainly had it from her school. He's been home now for three days, but somehow Ruzek got infected too and has been home since yesterday. Now Erin had it too and Antonio started coughing just this morning, so it was a matter of time when he would be out.

″At least they're doing what's best for them,″ he mumbled.

″And I'm doing what's best for me: working. So everything is perfect.″

″Hey guys, we got a hit on that plate,″ Antonio interrupted them.

″Alright, let's go then,″ Erin smiled at her colleague and grabbed her jacket. She was not unhappy that their conversation had a sudden end. Jay just rolled his eyes as she walked out of the breakroom and followed her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They came back about two hours later. Erin felt bad. Worse than she felt all previous days together. And she couldn't deny it anymore. Her head was about to explode, her lungs hurt with every breath she took and coughing just killed her throat. She hated to admit it, but at this stage, she really just wanted to lie in her bed.

She was about to make what assumed a hundreth cup of tea today when Hank entered the break room.

″Go home kid,″ he said.

″Hank...,″ she answered with hardly no voice.

″Erin, I won't discuss about that. Go home and get yourself healthy.″

″Hank really, I can deal with that and you guys need me here.″

″We surely don't need another sick cop that is spreading bacteria around here. So, I'm not begging you. This is an order. And only come back when you feel good again without lying to yourself.″ The way he said it tolerated no disagreement.

″Did Jay talk to you?″ Her face was kinda pissed, but deep inside she felt relieved. She would never go home in her own intention because she didn't want to look weak in front of the team. All of them saw her on one of her worst and lowest points not long ago when she spiraled out of control after Nadias death last year, so there was no way she wanted to look weak in front of them yet again. The same applied for Jay. Although he was her boyfriend she didn't allow herself to look weak in front of him. She just didn't feel comfortable with it. But Hank was her boss after all and when he ordered her to go home, she didn't feel that bad.

″Of course he did. But everyone can see it anyways.″ Even Hank's face was worried at that point.

″Okay...,″ she finally said, ″...when nobody wants me to be here...″ she smirked.

″It's not that we don't want you to be here kid. We just don't want all your bacteria here,″ he smiled. Erin just boxed his arm when she passed him and walked out of the break room.

″Get well soon,″ he said with his raspy voice but she just waved aside and went to Jay's desk, sitting down on its edge in front of him.

″So you can celebrate now. You won.″

″Come on, admit it. Laying in your bed is not the worst vision now,″ he replied.

″Maybe not.″

″See...″ he winked. He had that kind of winning smile on his face.

″Yeah, you're my hero.″

″I know. But now get your ass outta here. I'll come over later and take care of you.″

″Hm, maybe you shouldn't. We don't need another sick cop. And you wouldn't sleep tonight presuming that I'll always cough and whatever.″ He saw in her face that she didn't like the things she said but unfortunately she was kinda right regarding him to get sick too. He didn't like it either to spend the night away from her. Especially not THAT night.

″But...,″ he tried.

″Hank is going to kill us. First Atwater, then Ruzek, now me. And I don't think the dying princesses Atwater and Ruzek will come back before next week, so you better stay healthy,″ she tried to laugh but that ended in another bad cough.

″I don't like that,″ he said with a sad face.

″Me neither,″ she admitted and wanted to give him a little kiss on his cheek as no one else was in the bullpen.

″Hey you two! Don't you dare to kiss each other! And why are you even still here?″ Hank interrupted them, casually leaning on the door frame of his office. Erin raised her eyebrow and looked at Jay.

″What did I tell you?″

″Guess we have no choice then. Go home now. I'll text you.″

He squeezed her hand before she left and her tired face smiled when her lips formed the words _I love you._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin was home, she just changed her jeans to a pair of leggins and grabbed one of Jays big Black Hawks hoodies that he had in her closet. She made herself another cup of tea and craweled into her bed just to fell asleep within seconds...

Meanwhile, Jay's day wasn't as spectacular either. Their case was a bit up in the wind and for now they couldn't do more than office work and trying to put some pieces together. He was more than glad when Hank sent them all home before six. Of course his boss did not forget to remind him again, that he can do everything he wants with his free time – despite seeing Erin.

So instead of spending the evening with the woman he loved, he went over to Chicago Med and picked his brother up from work.

Will Halstead was quite surprised when his younger brother walked into the Emergency Department.

″I thought you and Erin have something to celebrate tonight,″ he greeted his brother.

″Yeah, I thought that too,″ Jay answered, clearly disappointed.

″What happened? Trouble in paradise?″ Will joked.

″Nah, not at all. She's sick. Like super sick. And as Ruzek and Atwater are also out with the flu this week, I'm not allowed to be with my girlfriend. Order from Voight...″

″Ouch...″

″You say it. I mean, he's right in a way, but on the other hand...I don't know, it just bothers me. So, do you want to go to Mollys with me, drinking some beers to forget this day?″

″Sounds perfect to me. Just give me five minutes, I have to discharge someone and then I'm all yours.″

″Great,″ Jay replied, but his voice didn't sound like he found it that great at all.

He sat down in the waiting area of the Emergency Department, still clearly pissed. He has had some real plans in store for this evening. He wanted it to be special. And now it was anything else but special. Tomorrow was the day that they've been together for exactly six months. In a row. And he somehow wanted that day to be special from the very beginning. All 24 hours of it. Normally they were both not that kind of people who'd make a big deal out of it but their relationship just felt so right. So perfect. With Erin, he was happier than he has ever been before and somehow he wanted to say thank you. That she was always there for him. For loving him. For her being the girl he always dreamed of but never thought he'd ever get.

Ever since they became a couple he felt like he was complete. And that was something he hasn't felt in a really, really long time. Maybe never had. Of course they also had their rough days like every other couple, but that was just normal, right?

″Hey bro, what are you dreaming about?″ Will asked and interrupted his thoughts.

″That were some fast five minutes.″

″Actually it was ten,″ Will laughed and shook his head.

″Oh...well...whatever.″

″You ready or want to sit here forever?″

″Actually, can you do me a favour?″ Jay asked his brother.

″Depends on the favour...″ Will replied with a smirk.

″Can you give me some meds for Erin? You know, against...everything?″

Will couldn't do anything but laughing. His brother was really helpless when it came to medicine. ″Why didn't she go to see a doctor?″

″We're talking about Erin here...″ Jay sighed, rolling his eyes.

″Is she afraid or what?″

″I'd call it stubborn. She'd never go on her own will and yet, she's not weak enough that I can drag her there, so, can you help me?″

″Yeah, we'll work something out. Just wait here for a second.″

Five minutes later, Will came back with his hands full of meds.

″So this would be against head aches, this is for fever and growing pains and this is for cough. Ah, and this here is against a sore throat. These are all some light antibiotics and she should feel better soon. Is that enough?″

″You're awesome man.″

″Yeah I know. And I'll remember you next time when I need a favor,″ Will laughed. ″That means you don't care about Voights rule and we're not going to Mollys now?″

″I don't care about Voights stupid prohibition. Actually I never really did. She's my girlfriend and she needs me and just because he's afraid of having another sick cop around or whatever his damn reason is, I won't stay away from her,″ Jay replied with a determined face.

″Alright, so no Molly's tonight.″

″Oh no, we can go there and drink some beers. Erin is sleeping as she isn't answering to my texts, so I have time for my favorite brother,″ he smiled.

″Tzzzz, favorite brother. As if you have that much of a choice,″ Will laughed.

″You got it. You have to take what you get,″ Jay replied and tapped him on the shoulder.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

About half an hour later they sat on a table at Molly's and drank their beers.

″Cheers.″

″Cheers.″

″So what's the deal with Voight?″ Will asked his brother after taking a gulp of his beer.

″What do you mean?″

″You're still quite...pissed when talking about him...″

″Well...you know...he gave me, us, the green light for a relationship but sometimes...I don't know. I still have the feeling he tries to seperate us and does things like today on purpose.″

″Maybe he's just kinda scanning you. I mean, he's pretty much her father.″

″He has been scanning me for the last two years though...″

″He just wants to protect her.″ Will tried to say something positive but Jay interpreted it different.

″Why are you defending him?″ Jay angrily asked.

″I'm not. But that father-daughter-thing is always about protecting.″

″Honestly I don't care what this is about. But protecting her from me?″

″Nah, from any guy. He wants to make sure that no one breaks her heart.″

″I will never break her heart,″ he replied with a determined voice that Will never heard before.

″Then prove it.″

″I will. Somehow. Although I don't know how. But he's going to fully accept me. One day,″ he said more to himself, although he was not sure about whether Hank Voight would ever accept him as the man in Erin's life.

″I know that he is the closest thing she has to a father,″ he continued, ″and she loves him for everything he did for her and I know he also loves her like a daughter. But he always gives me the feeling that I'm not good enough for her.″

″Jay, I think he actually likes you. And respects you. It's just, Erin is his girl and maybe he's somehow not ready to let her go and share her with someone else.″ Will was pretty sure that he wasn't that wrong with his theory.

″Sounds logical. How long will that last?″ Jay asked and a forced smile got back to his face.

″Maybe some more months. Or years,″ he laughed.

″Great. I'm really looking forward to that,″ he sighed and took another gulp of his beer.

″You know, mom was the same when we were young. She scanned every girl and never found one good enough for us,″ Will smiled, while his thoughts were clearly back at those memories.

″Yaah,″ Jay just replied but tried everything not to look into his brothers eyes. Will didn't miss that.

″You remember that one time? I think it was your first girlfriend and you invited her to have dinner with us. The days before mom was talking about nothing else than that and...-″

″Yeah, yeah, I remember. It was...funny,″ Jay interrupted his brother. It was more than clear that he didn't want to talk about it. Or better: her. Their mother. Will knew that. Jay never wanted to talk about her. Or his past. Will tried to get him talking from time to time but as soon as he always tried it, Jay's face became hard and he abruptly ended the conversation.

For a brief second, Jay intensly thought about another topic they could talk about. He never talked about his past, his mom and surely never his father. He was simply not the talking-about-his-past-guy. He didn't want to incriminate anyone. This was something he had in common with Erin. And maybe that was why they were so perfect for each other. They both had difficult pasts and understood each other in a way no one else could. At the same time he knew that they'd have to talk about their pasts one day and that he had to tell her things he never shared with anyone else before. But not now. In some years...maybe...or better never.

″So, what's going on with you and Nat? Anything I don't know yet?″ Jay immediately asked, interrupting his own thoughts. Will looked into his brothers eyes and still saw the pain. He stared at him for some more seconds before he slightly shook his head and forced a smile.

″Nothing new there...″ he replied, taking another gulp of his beer.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay arrived at Erin's apartment it was later than he had expected. After the brothers had finally found a topic they both wanted to talk about, which was always sports in their case, they somehow forgot time. But as Erin hasn't answered his texts during the last hours it wasn't a big deal that it was late. He tried to be as silent as possible when he opened the door and walked into her apartment. He went over to the bedroom and found her sleeping peacefully and all snuggled up into her blanket so that he could only see the top of her head. He smiled when he saw her like that and for a second he thought about laying down next to her and wrapping his arms around her tiny body. But he didn't want to wake her up and she really needed a good amout of sleep. He tiptoed to the other side of the bed, trying not to make any noises, grabbed his pillow and his blanket, went to the living room and made himself a comfortable bed as possible on the couch. Before closing his eyes, Jay thought about how far they've come in these past six months. They had built up a solid relationship and he knew that Erin loved him just as much as he loved her. Calling her his girlfriend was something he never even dared to dream about and sometimes it was still unreal for him, that the woman he has had a crush on from the very first second, was now exactly that: his girlfriend. His partner. His soulmate. And so much more...

* * *

 **So, that's it, my first chapter. It's the first time that I actually publish a story I wrote. I know it's a lot of bla-bla but I mainly used this first chapter to build up a story and drop some hints where this might go. I promise, the next one is full of Linstead-love! :) Feel free to review and let me know what you think. I appreciate any kind of feedback as it helps me to get better.**


	2. Love Me Like You Do

**Hey guys,**

 **thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews on my first chapter! I'm happy you liked it! :)**

 **As I promised, this chapter is all about Erin and Jay and I had soooo much fun writing this!**

 **Disclaimer: I still own nothing.**

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 **2\. Love Me Like You Do**

Jay woke up early the next morning when the sun made its way through the curtains and into the living room. He yawned loudly, stretched his body and went over to Erin's bedroom to look after his girl. Just as he had expected she was still asleep. He had heard her coughing hardly several times throughout the night. It didn't sound good and made him even more worried. He decided to give her a little more time to sleep, just put on his jeans and a pullover and left her apartment, heading to the grocery store around the corner.

He came back about half an hour later with a bag full of orange juice, tea, milk, fruits and some flowers in his other hand. It seemed like Erin still wasn't up. God, she must've really needed that.

He decided to make breaktfast before waking her up and started to make pancakes.

It took him longer than expected. He didn't make breakfast often as they mostly took something to-go from the coffe-shop on their way to the district, but when he did he wanted it to be perfect. After finally finishing everything, he put two pancakes on Erin's plate and dropped some pieces of strawberries, blueberries and blackberries over them. He took one of the trays out of the cupboard and placed the plate with the pancakes in the middle of it. He filled a little can with maple syrup and also placed it on the tray as well as a cup of tea he has made for her. Now he just he took three of the red roses he had bought and decorated them around the plate. Last but not least he stored all of the med packages on the tray as well.

″Awesome,″ he laughed to himself, grabbed the tray and walked over to Erin's bedroom. He placed the tray on the sideboard and just watched his peacefully sleeping girl for some seconds. Normally he wouldn't wake her up but he wanted to know how she felt before he left and she had to eat something anyway.

He layed down on his side of the bed, leaned over her and started to place kisses on her hair. He dugged her face out of the blanket and gave her some kisses on the cheeks. He got even more worried when he recognized how warm her cheeks were. She slowly started to wake up, groaned and immediately coughed again. It took her a moment to realize what happened around her. First she recognized the tray on the sideboard. Then she turned her head around and looked directly into the blue eyes of the man she loved. A weak smile rushed over her face.

″What are you doing here?″ she asked. Or at least, she tried to ask because her voice was almost completely gone.

″Well, a thank you would have been enough,″ Jay laughed and kissed her forehead.

″Thank you for breaking into my apartment?″ she joked and cleared her throat.

″For example. But is it actually breaking in when you have a key?″ he winked.

″When did you get here?″

″Somewhen last night.″

″Really? How did I miss this?″

″You were pretty much...out.″

″Guess so,″ she answered thoughtful.

″How are you feeling though?″ he asked. She didn't miss how his eyes scanned her. She looked even worse than the day before. Her eyes were glassy and her cheeks were burning.

″Good,″ she replied.

He raised his eyebrows, was about to say something but he hadn't to.

″Okay, maybe not so good,″ she admitted and coughed again.

″Alright. I brought you some...presents for that.″ He rolled himself to the other side of the bed again and stood up. Meanwhile Erin sat up in the bed and waited for Jay to serve the tray.

″I just wanted to say how amazing this looks, but actually I can't because with all those meds...At least the pancakes and roses look great,″ she winked.

″Just take them Er. They'll help you and you really need them. And I think even you know that.″

″Great to have a brother who's a doctor, huh?″

″In situations like this, when you have a stubborn girlfriend who'd never go to a doctor, it's not that bad, yeah,″ he laughed. ″So just take them please. I hate seeing you like this,″ he whispered and sat down right next to her, taking her hand in his.

″Alright,″ she finally said and stroked his cheek with her other hand.

She drank some tea, ate some small pieces of the pancakes and took the pills in between.

″Good girl,″ he smirked after she had finished.

″I'm not a dog,″ she laughed and boxed her elbow into his ribs.

″Would be easier sometimes,″ he chuckled and had that childish smile on his face.

″I hate you.″

″Come on, you don't,″ Jay winked.

″What makes you think that?″ she smiled. At least she was able to joke with him which was a good sign.

″Not on a day like today.″

″What? Is there something special about today?″ She tried her best to be serious but the look in her eyes and the smile on her lips revealed her. She knew exactly what he was talking about.

″Today makes us six months,″ he whispered, clearly happy.

″Really? Six months? I already put up with you for six months? Cheeeeeeez,″ she laughed.

″Now I hate you,″ he replied, leaned over her and kissed her.

″Great, now we hate each other, isn't it awesome?″ she chuckled.

″So, I hate you is the new I love you, huh?″ he smirked and placed another kiss on the smiling lips of his girlfriend. Their kisses got more intense until Erin pulled him off.

″Maybe we should do that tonight, when all the meds kicked in...you know when I'm really...in form,″ she grinned. ″Plus, it's late already.″

″Well...shit happens,″ he answered when he checked his clock.

″Yeah right, so we should go.″ She was about to get up but he held her back.

″Don't you even think about it! You'll stay exactly where you are: in your bed. Take your meds, drink tons of tea and sleep. No discussion.″

″Yes Sir,″ she surprisingly answered without even trying to discuss.

″I love you. And remember: we have something to celebrate tonight, so you better get healthy fast. Really fast,″ he whispered and kissed her again.

″Love you too,″ she smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, didn't want to let him go.

With a deep sigh he gave her one last kiss and got up. When he was already on the way out, he turned around again and glanced at her.

″I have a present for you,″ he said proudly.

″Me too,″ she smirked. Jay jumped back to her and kissed her again.

″I can't wait,″ he replied with his eyes full of joy before he left.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

As promised, Erin spent most of the day in her bed and slept a lot. From time to time she made herself a cup of tea and took her meds. They helped a lot better than she had expected and by the evening she felt better than the days before.

After she took a long and hot shower she even didn't feel as sick anymore. At least she felt good enough for having a nice evening with Jay. She dried her hair and made some curls into them. She changed her sweat pants and oversized hoodie to some of her nicer clothes and wrapped a thick muffler around her still sore throat. She went back to the bedroom, sat down on the edge of her bed and glanced over to the photos of her and Jay that were placed on the sideboard. They both looked so happy. She looked so happy. Jay, the man with this freaking cute childish smile made her endlessly happy. Each and every day. It was unreal and until a couple of months ago she didn't know that this kind of happiness even existed. She couldn't remember that she ever felt better, happier and more complete than since the night when he didn't want to dance around any longer and kissed her in Mollys and made them an official couple. Even now, when she was just thinking about him, she felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

She was still smiling when she heard someone open the door. Just five seconds later she saw Jay's face checking out the bedroom.

″Hey there beautiful. How are you doing?″ he asked and came over to the bed to kiss her.

″Better. A whole lot better,″ she smiled. ″And since you're here now I almost don't feel sick anymore.″ She kissed him softly and ran her fingers through his hair.

He was glad to see that she really looked a lot better than the days before. Her eyes were sparkling again, her lips had that real smile back and her voice was almost back to normal. But obviously she still had fever.

″Have you eaten something today?″

″Naah, I wasn't really hungry.″

″You will be hungry when you see what I cook for dinner,″ he replied, obviously being pretty confident of his skills. Erin couldn't help but starting to laugh.

″You. Are. Going. To. Cook?!″ she asked and raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

″Eyy, I can cook!″

″Yeah, in your dreams, huh?″

″Seriously, I'm not that bad in the kitchen.″

″How comes you never told me that and kept us ordering food from everywhere in Chicago?″

″I just love to surprise you,″ he smirked and leaned in to kiss her.

″Uhm...you waited six months for that?!″ she laughed.

″Guess so, huh?″ he winked. ″You'll stay here and I'll call you when everything is finished,″ he said and got up.

″I could help you,″ Erin suggested.

″No no no,″ he smiled, came back to her and kissed her again. ″This is my turn so just lay down and relax until I pick you up,″ he whispered and left her alone in the bedroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Are you ready?″ he asked when he came back to the bedroom more than one hour later.

″I'm starving. I have to admit, it smells damn good.″

″Well, it is damn good,″ he grinned and took her hand in his, pulling her up from the bed.

″We'll see,″ she teased and bit her lower lip.

He smiled and slightly shook his head.

″I love you, too,″ he said, while covering her eyes with his hands and guiding her to the living room.

″Can I look now?″ she asked as he ordered her to stop.

″Erin Lindsay, you're the most impatient person I know,″ he laughed and uncovered her eyes.

She blinked some times and was immediately amazed by what she saw. It was simple but really cute nontheless. He had decorated the table with a vase of red roses and the only light in the room came from some candles that were also placed on the dining table. On both of their places were plates with what looked like some kind of pasta and glasses filled with white wine.

″This looks amazing. Thank you,″ she whispered and turned her head around so that she was able to kiss him.

″Take a seat before it gets cold,″ he said afterwards and guided her to the chair. ″Linguine with salmon and cream sauce, before you ask,″ he winked as soon as she sat down.

″This is my favorite,″ she replied and smirked to him.

″I know,″ he simply answered and couldn't hide a proud smile.

″I never told you, did I?″

″You mentioned it once casually.″

There it was again: another reason why she was so in love with him and why the butterflies in her stomach just startet to flutter again. She couldn't even remember when she ever said something about linguine with salmon to him during the past months but he obviously did.

″Must've been really casually,″ she replied with a smitten smile.

″You know, the details matter,″ he said with an even brighter smile surrounding his lips. ″Now enjoy your meal,″ he ordered and started eating.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Do you like it?″ he asked her insecure after some minutes as she didn't say anything.

″This is the best linguine with salmon I ever ate.″

″Seriously?″

″Seriously. You're better in the kitchen than I am.″ Jay almost choked on his wine as these words came from her lips. Erin and cooking were two things that shouldn't be combined if possible.

″This ain't difficult,″ he laughed and placed his glass back on the table. ″And in case this was a compliment, it wasn't a convincing one.″

″What? Why?″

″Because you almost burnt down your kitchen by trying to make popcorn. Popcorn, Erin,″ he answered with a deep laughter and thought back to the time when he came to her place for a movie night and it was smelling like she made a campfire in there.

″Oh well that. Making popcorn is a difficult thing.″

″Yeah. If your name is Erin Lindsay it surely is,″ he teased and this playfull smirk surrounded his lips.

″Whatever,″ she said and slightly shook her head with a smile. ″You didn't understate when you said you're quite good in the kitchen.″

″Told you so,″ he grinned.

″I look forward to get something like this now every evening,″ she chuckled.

″You wish. Keep on dreaming,″ Jay laughed, but he was apparently more than proud of himself.

″Well, it was worth a try,″ Erin answered and bit her smiling lower lip before taking a gulp of her wine.

They finished eating their dinner with joking around a bit more and just enjoyed their alone-time. They didn't have much of that during the past weeks as all of their cases required lots of overtime. They mostly didn't even have the weekends free. Even after six months into their relationship they still acted quite professional at work. In the mornings and evenings they sometimes walked in and out the precinct holding hands and from time to time they shared a short kiss in the break room or the locker room. Despite the fact that they didn't have time to share any more tenderness at work they still didn't feel comfortable with acting too amorous at work. And when they came home after a long and exhausting day they mostly were too tired to do anything and went straight to bed. The last time they went out together was on her birthday two weeks ago when he invited her for dinner at the Purple Pig. But they only had two hours together that evening as they later celebrated her birthday and remembered Nadia in Mollys with the rest of the unit. Since then, watching TV together in the evening must've been the most exciting thing they did during the last weeks. It was about time to change something about that and this evening seemed to be perfect for it.

″You ready for dessert?″ he asked her after bringing the dishes to the sink.

″What kind of dessert?″ she asked in response with a naughty smile and wrapped her arms around his waist.

″Well, first vanilla and chocolate ice cream with fresh berries, then I still have that present for you and the last part of the dessert could be playing...scrabble. We didn't do that in a while,″ he murmured and kissed her intensly.

″I think I like that dessert,″ she whispered and replied with placing another kiss on his lips.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″So about that present...″ she said while she finished eating her ice cream.

″You'll get it, keep calm,″ he laughed as he could see her curious face. ″What about mine though?″

″It's nothing special.″

″I bet it is.″

″Naah honestly, it isn't.″

″Alright, you first and then you'll get mine.″

″What? Why?″

″Because when I don't like yours you don't get mine,″ he joked with sparkling eyes.

″Don't you think this is a bit unfair?″

″No,″ he simply answered and smirked. ″Come on Er, where is it?″

″It's nothing you can unpack. I told you it's nothing special.″

″Erin,″ he said and now he was the one being all curious.

″Alright. You know, the birthday gift I got from you, about doing a holiday trip and I choose the location where we go. I want to go to Wisconsin with you.″

″What? Really?″ he asked in disbelief. ″I mean this is our first holiday together and we could go anywhere. The Caribbean, Florida, California, Mexico, Hawaii.″

″I want to go to Wisconsin to your grandfathers cabin where no other people are around us. Just you and me and eagles and lakes and trees and thousands of mosquitoes,″ she laughed and she could see in his enlightened face how much he loved this thought. She knew how much he wanted to go there and being alone with him in the middle of nowhere in Northern Wisconsin was something she wanted way more than hanging around on a nice beach with hundreds of other people.

″Why did you think this isn't something special?″ he asked her as it was really special for him.

″It's dull, but I thought you might like it.″

″I love it. And it's not dull. It's actually the most awesome gift you could've given me.″ He stood up from his chair, went to her and pulled her up directly into his arms, hugging her tightly and kissing her again.

″Wait wait wait,″ she said when he started to put his hand under her shirt, softly stroking her skin with his fingers. ″You forgot something.″

″Really?″ he mumbled and his voice was clearly disappointed.

″Of course. You got yours and liked it, so now it's your turn,″ she teased.

He sighed, ended his embrace, went to the small closet near the door and came back with a small packet in his hands.

″Satisfied now?″ he asked as he handed it to Erin.

″Depends on its content,″ she grinned as she unwrapped it. It was a little jewelery box and for one second she thought Jay was going to do something immensly stupid.

″Open it,″ he said as he saw her hesitating. She did what he said and a beautiful silver necklace with three small, different sized, sparkling stars appeared as she opened the box.

″I hope you like it,″ he whispered.

″It's beautiful.″ She had to clear her throat as her voice was barely there. And she couldn't blame it on her flu this time. She was simply touched. No one has ever given her something like that.

″Come here,″ he said and took off her muffler before placing the necklace around her neck. ″Look at that, a beautiful necklace for my beautiful girl.″

She went to the mirror to see it herself.

″I love it. And I love you. Thank you,″ she turned around and kissed him.

″I thought a necklace this time and maybe a ring next time,″ he teased her with a smile, knowing exactly what she was thinking some short minutes ago.

″Don't you dare giving me a ring, Jay Halstead.″

″I can't remember telling you what kind of ring,″ he smirked. ″Maybe I meant a boxing ring.″

″Well, I'd be okay with that I guess,″ she laughed as his lips crashed hers in a kiss that was more intense than all the other kisses they had shared this evening. He softly pushed her down to the couch. The one couch where they rekindled their relationship six months ago and where they now did the same thing that they did back then...

* * *

 **Hope you liked it! Tell me what you think and of course you can also tell me if you have any wishes about a specific storyline. I'll try my best to write them in! :)**

 **Not sure when I'll be able to upload the next chapter (it's already finished) as I'll be on skiing holidays in Austria until next weekend. But maybe I have time (and wifi) somewhen in between ;)**


	3. Knight In Shining Armor

**Remember that time back in October when we thought Linstead is official and Erin and Jay are finally the couple we waited so long for them to be? When we thought we'll get cute scenes with them and seeing them deeply being in love with each other every once in a while? - Yeah. Good times.**

 **Don't get me wrong, the crossover was just wow, but I'm still not over this scene between Erin and Jay at the end and I doubt I'll be in the near future. This episode had the unique opportunity to finally show us that these two are really in a serious and deeper relationship with Jay being there for her and Erin actually letting him comfort her. But instead he just asks her whether she's okay and then walks away...what the hell? The one person in the CPD universe who should and would know better suddenly doesn't? The one person who cared about her and was there for her from episode 1x01 to 3x13 suddenly doesn't care anymore when she needs him most? Makes sense...**

 **A little hug would've been enough. Some encouraging words. A touch. Anything. Instead we get a scene that makes me doubt that these two are still in a relationship. So, dear writers, do it right or leave it but don't give us a scene like this. I don't know who the guy was who just walked away but it was for sure not Jay Halstead...**

 **I already started to fic this and I guess it will come up in chapter 7 or 8 as a flashback...meanwhile here comes Jay Protective Caring Halstead all the way around. It's also the longest chapter I've written yet...**

* * *

 **3.** **Knight In Shining Armor**

The displeasing sound of the alarm clock woke them up the next morning. They had somehow made it to the bedroom deep in the night after ending their little scrabble session. Jay groaned as he switched the alarm clock off. He yawned and stretched his body and chuckled as Erin snuggled closer to him as she obviously didn't want to get up, too. He immediately wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she laid her head on his chest.

″Tired, huh?″ he asked and placed a kiss on her hair.

She coughed hardly before she was able to answer.

″Just a little,″ she said hoarsely and looked up to him. Just when he wanted to kiss her lips, his phone rang.

″Seriously?!″ he sighed as he saw that their boss called at 6.30 in the morning.

″What's up Sarge?...Yeah, got it...No worries...I'll be there," he said and put the phone back on the night table.

″What's up?″ Erin asked.

″Antonio's is down now, too. So that makes Voight, Olinsky and me today.″

″And me,″ she added.

″No way. You'll stay here.″

″Jay I'm fine. After last night you should actually know how fine I am,″ she said and winked.

″Well yeah, it was good.″

″Just good?″ she echoed and punched her fist onto his shoulder.

″Breathtaking,″ he replied with a smirk and kissed her.

″Nice saving.″

″Are you sure you're fit enough to work?″

″I am. I feel pretty solid. I'm fine.″

There they were again. These two little words he sometimes hated to hear out of her mouth.

″Erin,″ he sighed as he wasn't sure whether it was the right time for talking about this one topic that strayed in his mind for months now. ″You know you don't have to be the strong girl in front of me, do you?″

″What do you mean?″

″You don't have to tell me you're fine when you're not. I know how strong you are but you don't have to be strong in front of me when you actually don't feel like being it. I also know that's just how you are, but I want to let you know that I want to have the real Erin.″

″Oh, I'm not sure whether you'd like that,″ she said while tracing circles onto his chest.

″Why shouldn't I?″ he asked and tried to lock eyes with her.

″Because I'm anything else but perfect. Actually I'm pretty far away from it,″ she answered, keeping her gaze focused on the pattern of his shirt.

″Funny thing there, I'm not perfect, too. Maybe that's the reason why we are so perfect for each other, huh?″

″Yaah maybe.″

″No honestly. Life isn't perfect so humans aren't perfect either. Imperfections are what form us, what make us who we are and in fact imperfections make us perfect.″

″Well, that was quite intellectual, even for you Jay Halstead,″ she laughed.

″I know. But just imagine how unbelievably hot I'd be if I was perfect...you'd burn your hands every time you'd touch me,″ he said and chuckled.

″Oh yeah, how could and would I ever handle that?″ Erin replied with a laughter.

″Good question. But seriously Erin,″ he said and softly grabbed her chin so that she had to look him in the eyes. ″If you feel bad, tell me and I'll try my best to make you feel better. If you want to cry, do it and I'll be there to wipe your tears away. If you feel fragile, show me and I'll hold you in my arms as tight as possible and take care that you won't break. You are strong and tough and stubborn, but I know that you're also vulnerable and fragile and sensitive. Just show me all of your sides and not only those you think I like most. I'm totally okay with the real Erin, because I love you for who you are, not for who you're trying to be.″

She had to swallow hard. He knew her so well and she couldn't express how much she loved him for that. He had the gift to always choose the right words and wasn't afraid of talking about things she actually didn't want to hear, but needed to hear.

″I'll try,″ she whispered and in that moment this was simply all she was able to say.

″Good,″ he said and kissed her forehead.

″But I honestly feel good today. And I promise I'll take my meds at work.″

″Alright, I'm okay with that but promise me one more thing: you'll tell me if it gets too much for you,″ he said and softly stroked her cheeks only to recognize that they were still warm. Not as burning as the day before but still warmer than normal.

″I will,″ she replied as she saw how worried he still was. But she felt really better than the previous days. The headaches were gone and she didn't feel as floppy and exhausted anymore.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

When they walked into the bullpen, Hank was already waiting for Jay. His face got a surprised gaze when he saw Erin walking up the stairs, too.

″Didn't expect you here,″ he greeted her.

″Yeah, just wanted to say nice to see you, too,″ she responded gruffly.

″I told you only to come back when you're healthy.″

″That's why I'm here. I'm fine,″ she said and sat down on her desk.

Hank exchanged a quick glance with Jay which she didn't miss.

″Hey, you don't have to ask him whether I'm fine or not. I just told you I am, isn't that enough?″ she asked as her voice was rising. Hank locked eyes with her for some seconds and obviously bit his tongue.

″Alright then, ″ he shrugged and went back into his office.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After working the desk for two hours in the morning, Mouse was finally able to ping the phone of their main suspect Franco Botelli and located him at an old warehouse ten kilometres outside of the city.

″So, Halstead, Lindsay, you go left, Alvin and me go to the right and Burgess and Roman will cover the back,″ Hank said in front of the warehouse. Everybody nodded. Hank raised his hand and counted to three with his fingers and when he reached three, all of them entered the building.

Erin was close behind Jay when they found what they've been looking for.

″Chicago Police, don't move,″ Jay yelled.

Botelli turned around, looked at them for not even one second and started running. Erin and Jay chased him, wanted to make him run towards the back entrance. But of course Botelli wasn't stupid. He turned left and ran up the stairs to the upper floor. Erin was barely able to breathe as she ran behind Jay and she felt like her lungs were about to explode any second. The only thing that kept her running was that Jay needed her as back-up. She would never risk anything happen to him, so she held on. They raced up the stairs. Shortly before they were on the upper floor, Erin had the feeling to suffocate. She wasn't able to breathe anymore, her head hurt, she saw stars dancing around her and before she was able to say anything or to hold tight on the banister, the darkness was already closing in.

Jay immediately turned around as he heard bad, loud rumbling directly behind him. His heart literally stopped beating as he saw Erin falling down the stairs.

″Erin,″ he yelled with a voice full of panic and ran down the stairs. He didn't care that he was losing the suspect. All he cared about was his girl.

″Erin,″ he shouted again as he knelt down next to her. She was unconscious and had a bleeding laceration on her hairline. Her pulse was racing as he checked it and her breathing was unsteady. With shaky hands he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called for back-up and an ambulance.

″Erin, come on,″ he said again, trying everything to get her concious. He couldn't remember that he ever felt as helpless as he did right now. He didn't know what to do and seeing his girl laying there and not knowing how serious her injuries were scared the hell out of him. It felt like an eternity until the rest of the unit was finally there.

″What happened?″ Hank shouted as he also knelt down on the floor.

″She...I...stairs...,″ Jay spluttered and covered his head in his hands. The whole time he's been able to stay more or less calm and focused but now he couldn't keep it together anymore.

″Halstead, breathe. What happened?″ his boss ask again.

″We were chasing him up the stairs...she was behind me. And then I just heard her falling down. Maybe she collapsed...I don't know.″

″Is the suspect still up there?″

″Guess so,″ Jay shrugged. Botelli was the last thing he thought and cared about right now.

″Alright, Al, Burgess, Roman, go up there and find him,″ he ordered and the three of them passed by and went up the stairs. ″And we're going to bring her out,″ Hank said.

″Don't. Move. Her,″ Jay immediately shouted at his boss.

″It will save lots of time when the paramedics don't have to come in here,″ he replied, rising his voice and making sure that he was the boss.

″I said don't move her. We don't know what kind of injuries she has, so she stays exactly like this and we will wait here until the ambulance is here,″ Jay said loudly as his eyes angrily twinkled towards Hank. This was certainly not the right time for a new round of power games between the two of them but Jay didn't want to risk anything when it came to Erin.

″Halstead if she dies because the paramedics Need too long to find us in here...-″

″Then go the hell out and show them were we are!″ Jay yelled. He wasn't able to hold it back anymore. It was already hard enough not to punch Voight in his face. Hank stared at him for some seconds and then left him alone with Erin.

″Erin, please hold on,″ he whispered desperately and stroked her cheeks. He checked her breathing and her heartbeat every five seconds but it felt like a lifetime until the paramedics finally came.

Erin got an IV on her arm, an oxydgen tube on her nose and a ruff around her neck. They picked her up with the spineboard and carried her out of the warehouse carefully. As soon as she was in the ambulance, Jay jumped in there too. While driving to Chicago Med and holding her hand, he sent silent prayers to heaven. Prayers that she had no serious injuries and that she was going to be alright. Prayers that he wouldn't lose her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay sat in the waiting area of the ED, eagerly waiting for any kind of news. He was not allowed to be in the examination room with her. He's been sitting there for one hour already but it felt so much longer. They had to do different tests and also a CT. He knew that all of these things took time, but it made him nervous not to hear anything.

She had to be alright. He needed her to be alright. He should have known that she wasn't fit enough to chase a suspect over minutes. He should've been behind her, not ahead of her. He should've been able to prevent this. He covered his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes, tried to calm himself down again.

On one hand he was glad that none of his team members were here as they still had to deal with Botelli, on the other hand, some distraction and support would've been nice.

″How is she?″ a familar raspy voice suddenly asked right next to him. Jay turned his head around and saw his boss sitting right there.

″Don't know anything yet. She's still in there,″ he answered and pointed to the trauma room.

″You told me she was fine,″ Hank said and Jay thought he hasn't heard right. Immediately he felt his anger coming up again.

″What? I didn't tell you anything!″

″You nodded this morning when I looked at you, Halstead.″

″Yeah. Because. She. Was. Fine,″ Jay spat, trying to stay calm. ″She felt better, she looked better.″

″But obviously she wasn't better. You should've known that. You should've made her stay at home.″ Jay could feel the tension rising up between the two of them.

″I'm not her babysitter. We're talking about Erin here, when she wants to go to work she does, no matter what someone else says. You know that.″

″You promised me you have her back 24 hours a day,″ Hank almost shouted as he got up from his chair. ″If she dies or has serious injuries with long-term affects it's all your fault Halstead.″

Now Jay wasn't able to stay calm anymore. He jumped up from his chair, his face only centimeters away of Hanks.

″This is not my fault! The only thing I'm kicking myself for is that I wasn't behind her to catch her. That she was my back-up and not I hers. But you can't blame me for the decisions she makes!″ Jay yelled as he narrowed his eyes. There have been a lot of critical moments between them in the past but he was sure the tension had never been higher than right now.

″But I do. This is your fault,″ Hank now also yelled, pointing his finger to Jay's chest. Jay clenched his fist, ready to throw one specific punch.

″Hey guys, this is a hospital!″ None of them reacted to what Will Halstead just had said. They kept on focusing each other with narrowed, angry eyes.

″Jay!″ Will said insistent and pulled his brother away before he was able to do something he'd regret later.

Jay took some deep breaths, trying not to run back to Hank and finish what he wanted to do so badly.

″How is she?″ he asked his brother instead, swallowing down his anger.

″She's okay. More or less. No broken bones or internal injuries.″

Jay exhaled a deep breath of relief and looked to Hank who seemed just as relieved as him.

″What does more or less mean?″ Jay asked, sensing there was more to the story.

″She has a concussion, two partially fractured ribs, a sprained wrist and she of course has some bruises. But there's something that worries us more.″

″Will, could you please stop talking in secrets?!″

″She has a pneumonia. A really bad one. She has high fever and her breathing is low. She gets antibiotics in large doses and is on oxydgen and for the moment we hope that we don't have to intubate her.″

″Pneumonia?! Just this morning she told me she feels good. I thought it was only a cold, a flu at the most. I mean, how can she even feel good with a pneumonia?″

″It's possible that she really felt good this morning, due to the meds she took. I mean, these were only light antibiotics, but antibiotics nonetheless. They make you feel better in a short time. But running was too much for her. That's most probably why she collapsed. She couldn't breathe anymore.″

″But she's going to be alright? I mean, she's out of the woods, right?″ Hank now asked and for the first time Jay couldn't see anger but endless sorrow in his eyes.

″She's stable, her injuries are harmless but her fever and her breathing troubles require close monitoring. A protracted pneumonia isn't a walk in the park,″ Will explained.

″Can I see her?″ both Jay and Hank asked at the same time. They looked into each others eyes like they were teenagers fighting for the same girl.

″Uhm...yeah...we'll bring her up to the ICU but only one person is allowed to be with her at the same time.″

″Alright then, Halstead you go and inform the rest of the unit, I'll be with Erin.″ For the second time this afternoon Jay thought he hasn't heard right.

″You gotta be kidding me. I'll stay with her and when you're lucky, I'll leave her side for ten minutes later and you can be with her then,″ Jay loudly said, feeling his anger coming back.

″Halstead, you know that this is an order from your supervisor. Go and...-″

″I. Don't. Care,″ Jay interrupted his boss, turned around and went straight into the examination room. There was no way anyone could seperate him from his girl for even one second longer.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

″She will most likely sleep throughout the rest of the day due to the meds she's on now,″ Will explained his brother after they brought Erin to the ICU.

Jay only nodded as he took one of the chairs and placed it right next to her bed.

″Call me if you need anything, I'll be down in the ED again.″

″Yaah, I will, thanks,″ Jay replied and sat down, immediately taking Erin's cold hand in his warm hands, trying not to hurt her as the IV was on the back of her hand. Her right hand was bandaged, a plaster covered the wound on her hairline and she had a tube at her nose that supplied her body with the oxydgen it needed. Her facial color was just as white as the sheets she laid in. Jay sighed. A little more than 12 hours ago his world has been perfect. The fact that the same girl he laughingly joked around with last night was now in the ICU, connected to a monitor that controlled her heartbeat, let him shiver. Life was short. And unpredictable. He knew that. Most likely he knew it even better than many others.

″Erin,″ he started to talk as he couldn't handle the silence with the penetrating beeps of the monitors anymore. ″Please don't ever scare me like this again. You understand? I can't handle this. I mean, I can't handle seeing you injured and unconscious. And I can't handle the thoughts of losing you. I know it's not that dramatic and you're going to be alright but damn it Erin, when I saw you falling down I thought...″ he stopped and had to swallow a big lump in his throat. He felt how tears burned in the corner of his eyes and winked some times to keep them from falling. He took some deep, long breaths of air but it didn't help as some tears slid down his face anyways. For the first time in many years Jay Halstead cried. Not because of the current situation or Erin's condition but because of the thought that he could've lost her today. A different way of falling, a different angle and she'd maybe have broken her neck, leaving him behind and making him lose her. The love of his life. That just perfectly described what she was for him. From the moment they met for the very first time he had a crush on her and it only took him some weeks to figure out that she was the one. The one he wanted to wake up next to every morning and fall asleep next to every evening. The one who would one day be his wife and the mother of his children. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They didn't have the easiest way until they've been at the point where they now finally were and he knew exactly that there was still a rough path ahead when they'd one day start talking about marriage and children. Most likely due to Erin's past and her commitment issues. But Erin Lindsay was nonetheless all he ever wanted in his life and she'd always be all he ever wants.

″I think I just want to say I love you,″ he said and leaned over her to place a soft kiss on her forehead. ″More than you will ever know,″ he whispered as he sat back on his chair.

For the next hours he just sat there, held her hand and talked to her from time to time. Sometimes she stirred in her sleep but she never woke up. Doctors and nurses came and went, changed her infusion and checked on her breathing. Everything seemed to be well. The rhythmic sounds of the heart monitor made him tired and sometimes he dozed off only to start up again some minutes later. It was around seven in the evening when Hank joined him.

″Go and get yourself a coffee Halstead,″ he said and his voice sounded surprisingly friendly.

″I'd rather stay with her, in case she wakes up,″ Jay answered, looking at his sleeping girlfriend.

″Halstead please, get some fresh air and eat something. I'll take care of her,″ Hank said while he also looked at Erin.

Jay sighed. He's been with her for more than six hours now and he had to admit, he was really hungry. And last but not least it was Hank's right to be with her for some time. She was his daughter after all. Maybe not by blood, but that didn't matter. When he learned one thing since he was in Intelligence, it was that family wasn't always about blood. It was much more about the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what. And there was no doubt that Hank Voight loved Erin as much as a father can love his daughter.

″Alright,″ Jay said. He squeezed Erin's hand a little tighter and got up from the chair.

Hank nodded in response as he walked past Jay.

″How is she holding on though?″ Hank asked.

″She's doing good,″ Jay answered as he turned around again and looked at the older man. ″Listen, I'm sorry for being so furious earlier.″

″Look, I also overreacted. And I can't blame you for caring and being protective about your girlfriend Halstead. The whole situation...I was worried about her,″ Hank shrugged.

″So was I.″

″I know. And now go and get yourself something to eat, I heard your stomach crawling from outside the room.″

″Yeah...uhm, see you in a bit,″ Jay answered and left the room while Hank now took the seat next to Erin's bed.

″You scared me today, kid,″ was the only thing he said as he laid his hand of top of hers. ″A lot,″ he added and stroked her fingers with his thumb. Hank Voight was usually not a man of big emotions but as he now saw the girl, that was the daughter he and his wife always prayed for, connected to monitors and all kind of tubes, he had to swallow hard. She was one of the few reasons why he somewhen started to get his life together again after Camille's death and right now he tried everything to keep his mind from thinking about what it would do to him if he'd lose her too.

While trying do distract his mind from this unbearable thoughts, Erin started to get unsettled and her eyes slowly fluttered open.

″Erin? Erin you hear me?″ he asked as she obviously seemed to be unoriented.

She looked up to the ceiling, still trying to figure out where she was.

″You're at Chicago Med,″ Hank said. She turned her head a bit and looked at him.

″Hank,″ she whispered and closed her eyes again.

″Yeah, I'm here, everything's fine.″

″W...Where's...Jay?″ she asked with barely no voice and immediately had to cough. She gasped loudly when she felt a stabbing pain in her ribs.

″Easy kiddo. Try not to speak,″ he said and was quite thankful that she was on high doses of antibiotics so she wasn't able to see that he was kinda hurt by the fact that she immediately asked for Jay although he was there.

″Jay didn't leave your side until I ordered him to do so ten minutes ago. He's eating something and will be back soon.″

″What happened?″ she asked but that ended in another painful cough.

″Don't you remember?″

She lightly shook her head.

″You took a pretty nasty fall on the stairs in that warehouse. You have a concussion, two of your ribs are quite damaged and your wrist in sprained. You collapsed there due to the pneumonia you have.″

″Pneumonia?″ she asked, tried to take a deep breath and closed her eyes when she felt her lungs burning.

″Yep. A bad one. You should've gone to a doctor. Halstead should've taken you to a doctor instead of just bringing you meds he got from his brother who is a doctor by the way.″

Although she was on meds and felt dizzy, she did not miss how his voice got pissed.

″This is not Jay's fault. He wanted me to see a doctor but I...-″ her raspy voiced trailed off and she coughed again, but a lot harder this time. She gasped for air and had again the feeling to suffocate.

″Erin relax, okay? Try to relax,″ he said and already stood up from his chair. Erin inhaled some times and felt how the feeling of suffocating left.

″Good,″ Hank said, squeezed her hand and walked out to get a doctor. When he was out of the room he saw Jay walking down the hall. Jay almost started running when he saw Hank. He immediately knew that something had happened. Otherwise Hank would never leave Erin's side.

″What happened?″ he asked with a nervous voice and some serious questionmarks on his face.

″She woke up five minutes ago. But she has to cough all the time which is really painful and it causes more breathing troubles, so I go and get a doctor who gives her a sedative or something,″ Hank explained.

″Okay,″ Jay sighed and walked into the room.

″Hey baby.″

Erin turned her head and her lips formed a weak smile when she saw him.

″Jay,″ she whispered as he went to her bed, sat down on its edge, leaned over her and placed a kiss on her forehead.

″Ssshhh, don't talk,″ he said and softly stroked her cheek with his thumb. ″Everything is good, I'm here and I won't leave.″

″I know,″ she answered but it ended in another bad cough and another gasp for air. His heart ached when he saw how she squinched up her face due to the pain she felt.

″Hey, hey, look at me,″ he said and she gazed his eyes with hers. ″Good. And now breathe easily. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.″ She kept her gaze focused on his face and did exactly what he'd said and felt how her breathing got easier and less painful.

″Better?″ he asked as he saw her body starting to relax.

She nodded in response.

″Good. Hank's looking for you doctor who gives you something against the pain.″

″I don't need...-″ she started to protest but Jay cut her off instantly.

″You do,″ he said and looked into her aguish, tired eyes. He saw in her face that every breath she took hurt her. And of course he was still more than just a little worried but he tried his best not to show her.

A moment later, Hank and the doctor came back into the room. Jay recognized him as Dr. Simmons who's been there to check on her some times already during the previous hours.

″How do you feel?″ he asked Erin and checked her respiration and heart beat with his stethoscope.

″Not good,″ she just answered, trying not to speak too much, but she had to cough hardly nonetheless. She groaned as the pain hit her again and gasped. In addition, her headaches slowly increased and made her feel dizzy and nauseous.

″Alright, I'll give you a sedative that you'll sleep through the night without coughing. How is your head?″

″It aches. And I feel nauseous,″ she sighed and closed her eyes.

″I'll also give you some painkillers and something against nausea. I'll be back in a minute,″ he said and left the three of them alone.

Dr. Simmons came back some minutes later and injected three different meds into her IV.

″I'll go home now, get well soon, kid,″ Hank said shortly after Dr. Simmons had left them again and placed a kiss on her hair.

″Keep me updated,″ he said as he walked past Jay and gave him a short pat on the back.

″I will,″ Jay promised and followed him to the door to dim the garish, cold hospital light. He went back to Erin's bed and out of an impulse he climbed into her bed and laid down right next to her. As she wasn't fully asleep yet, she immediately snuggled closer to him and laid her head on his chest so he was able to wrap his arm around her shoulders. He covered his face in her hair and smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo.

″I love you,″ he mumbled and kissed her hair while her body more and more relaxed in his arms.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After laying there and holding her tightly for about an hour, Will Halstead entered the room for a quick visit.

″Hey knight in shining armor, I don't think this is allowed in the ICU,″ Will laughed when he saw the two of them.

″Honestly, I don't care,″ Jay replied while looking down at his peacefully sleeping girlfriend.

″Never assumed you would,″ Will winked with a smile a sat down in the chair. ″How is she doing?″

″Could be better but also worse,″ Jay sighed. ″She was awake for about twenty minutes earlier but she had to cough all the time which must've hurt like hell with two broken ribs. She also had headaches and felt nauseous due to them and I think every single part of her body hurts although she didn't say anything.″

″You normally only feel the things that hurt most. She'll feel all the other bruises and sprains as well in the next couple of days I'm afraid.″

″Yaah, most likely. Dr. Simmons gave her a sedative and some painkillers and something against nausea. Not to forget the infusion that keeps her hydrated and the additional infusion with antibiotics she gets every some hours. I mean, this is...much, isn't it?″ Jay asked with an insecure voice.

″It is. But she needs it and it will help her,″ Will assured his brother.

″It better does. What do you think, how long will it take?″

″Until she can go home or until she's fit again?″ he responded.

″Both.″

″Hard to say. I think she'll be here for at least five days. Maybe even more, depends on her condition and recovery. And it will take some time until she'll be back at 100 percent. Could easily be anything from three to five weeks.″

″Three to five weeks?″ Jay echoed and sighed as he looked at his brother.

″Yep. Guess it will be a joy to jolly her along at home for weeks, huh?″ Will chuckled. During the past six months he got to know his brother's girlfriend and it didn't take him long to find out that she was always on fire.

″Tell me about it,″ Jay laughed. ″Well, we'll work something out there.″

″Yaah, you should. But believe me, in the first two weeks she won't feel like going to work. Going from her bed to the kitchen and back will be tiring enough.″

″Hard to imagine, but we'll see,″ Jay said and placed another soft kiss on Erin's hair.

″So, you and Hank again, huh?″ Will changed the topic.

″Don't you have to work or something?″ Jay asked, intensly trying to avoid to talk about what had happened earlier.

″Nope, my shift is over and I thought my little brother would appreciate it when I spend my free time with him,″ he grinned.

″I do. I just don't feel like talking about Hank Voight.″

″Jay, you nearly used your boss as punching bag today,″ he said and now his voice was serious.

″We've both been furious and we talked about it.″

″You did?″

″I told him I was sorry, he told me he also overreacted. Done.″

″Was that the short version?″

″No, that was all of the story. I mean honestly, all of this was just another example of Hank Voight trying to give me a hard time. Another proof that he still doesn't accept me as the man in Erin's life. He blamed me for her accident because he wanted me to feel bad.″ Jay said and tried keep his voice low. ″As if I didn't feel bad enough already. I should've been behind her, should've caught her. So did he ever really think I'd leave her alone and let him be with her after everything that happened today?″

″Maybe he wanted to test you.″

″Test me?″

″Yeah. Whether he's able to browbeat you or whether you stand up to him and fight for what you want,″ Will explained.

″Or maybe he's just an ass,″ Jay shrugged with a bitter laughter.

″Maybe he was just as worried as you,″ Will suggested.

″Or maybe he's just an ass,″ Jay noticed again.

″Well yeah, or that,″ Will laughed and yawned. He checked his clock and got up from his chair.

″Alright bro, we should go, it's quite late already.″

″There's no way I'm going to leave her tonight,″ Jay answered.

″I don't think you're allowed to be here overnight.″

″I don't care about any stupid rules today. She needs me.″ Will saw his brothers eyes and he knew that there was no chance he would leave Erin this night. Jay's always been the guy who cared about the people he loved and who did his best to protect them and be there for them. When he'd greeted his brother as knight in shining armor earlier, he really meant it, because he knew Jay would do anything and even more for the woman that slept in his arms.

″Alright,″ he shrugged. ″The nurses will kick you out anyway,″ he added with a grin.

″Well, they can try,″ Jay smirked and his brother laughed in response.

″Maybe I should stay here just to see this.″

″It'll be fun.″

″There's no doubt about it. But my next shift is in eight hours, so I'd rather catch some sleep.″

″Thanks for coming man,″ Jay said when his brother was at the door.

″Sure, always. Take care of your girl and sleep well. See you in the morning then,″ Will winked and left the room.

As the room was almost completely silent again now, Jay felt his own tiredness coming through. He changed his position in the small hospital bed a little as he started to feel uncomfortable. The sound of the rhythmic beeps of the heart monitor and Erin's steady breathing slowly lulled him to sleep.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay startled from his sleep around three o' clock in the morning when Erin started to get unsettled. He immediately got worried when he heard her breathing heavily.

″Mom! Mom where are you?″ she whined out of nothing. Jay looked down at her and saw that her eyes were still closed.

″Mom? Don't leave me,″ she whimpered again.

″Erin, hey, everything is good,″ he said and tightened his grasp around her shoulders. ″I'm here, you're just having a nightmare or something.″

He softly stroked her cheek with his thumb and as soon as he touched her skin, he realized what was going on. She was burning hot what meant she was obviously in a delirium. He never felt someone that burning ever before and this fact scared him just as much as seeing her fall down earlier. His heart started racing in his chest and without hesitation he jumped out of the bed and ran out of the room, looking for anyone who could help...

* * *

 **I know this was quite long but I didn't know where else to end it. Hope you liked it anyway! :)**


	4. I Would Do Anything For You

**LINSTEAD IS ALIVE!**

 **See Mr. Haas, it's so easy to make the fans happy...**

 **30 seconds, or in this case ONE word, every week and I'm satisfied. Is this really too much to ask for? I don't even need them to make out, just giving some indications that these two didn't lose their love while focussing on cases (*cough*) is enough for me. Although I think they really owe us a kiss because it's been a while...I also already have a perfect scene for that in my head:**

 **Jay kissing Erin intesely in front of this suspicious weed lady lawyer whatever and seeing how this longing glance in her eyes disappears and how that sneaky grin drops from her face. That would be awesome :D I know it will most likely not happen like this on the show, but a girl can dream, right?**

* * *

 **4\. I Would Do Anything For You**

″I need help,″ Jay almost yelled breathlessly when he finally found a nurse on the empty ICU floor.

″What happened?″ she asked and walked towards him.

″My girlfriend...I think she's in a delirium. Her cheeks...her body...she's burning,″ Jay explained with a feared voice.

″I'll page Dr. Simmons, he has on-call duty tonight,″ she answered and ran to Erin's room with Jay following close behind her.

″Erin do you hear me?″ the nurse asked when she got to her bedside.

But it seemed like Erin didn't even notice her as she kept on talking mazy things.

″I don't want...nooo,″ she moaned.

″Erin, hey,″ the nurse said more intense now.

Jay was more than thankful when Dr. Simmons walked into the room some seconds later. He stayed in the background while the two of them exchanged some words and treated Erin. They injected three more shots with transparent liquid and changed both of the infusions as one of them was empty anyway. Jay sighed in relief when Erin stopped talking and her breathing got steadier again. He saw how her body started to relax in the pillows.

″What happened with her? And what did you do?″ he asked as he stepped out of the corner and closer to Erin's bed.

″Normally the antibiotics we gave her earlier should help to lower the fever but it seems like her body is fighting hard against them and so the fever kept on rising. We now gave her an infusion with some stronger antibiotics especially against high fever to stem it from reaching a life-threatening temperature. We also doubled the dose of fluids she gets to keep her hydrated and gave her another sedative that keeps her asleep. Ashley will now also make some cold calf packings,″ he explained. ″As long as her breathing is good and her heart rate is strong there's no reason to be too worried,″ he added as he saw any color dropping from Jay's face.

Jay meanwhile had really tried to follow Dr. Simmons's explanation but his head had stopped paying attention when he'd said something about life-threatening temperature. These were the only words that stuck in his mind.

″So she's fine now?″ Jay asked, trying to be all collected and rubbed his tired eyes desperately.

″For the moment, she's good. As I said, Ashley will come back with cold calf packings within the next minutes, we'll take her temperature every hour and we'll change the fluids more often within the next hours. Depending on how things will go, we'll give her one or two more doses of these special fever antibiotics.″

″And she's still getting the other antibiotics against her pneumonia?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows.

″No. For now we only treat what needs most treatment. We can't mix too many antibiotics up. As soon as we have the fever under control we can start treating the pneumonia again. But at the moment it's most important to get the fever down.″

″Uhm...okay...thank you,″ Jay answered, coping with the flow of information.

″You should go home,″ Dr. Simmons suggested as he looked into Jay's exhausted eyes.

″No way.″

″But you can't do anything for her here either.″

″I can be there for her and that's all that matters.″

″Alright, do what you need to do. I'll check on her in an hour,″ he said as he left the room.

Ashley, the nurse, brought the calf packings some minutes later and afterwards Jay was alone again. Well, not exactly alone but he felt so damn alone. He'd always thought when one of them would one day end up in the ICU of Chicago Med it would be because one of them got shot. And now a stupid damn pneumonia and the fever that came with it threatened Erin's life?

He wasn't able to sleep for even one more second that night. His mind didn't shut up and he was way too worried anyway. In addition, Dr. Simmons and nurse Ashley came in regularly to check on Erin's vitals. The positive thing was, that her temperature stayed the same which was a bad thing at the same time in Jay's opinion. Shouldn't the fever normally drop with these high dosed antibiotics? Or were they just supposed to keep it from rising even more?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Somewhen Jay saw the sun rising outside. At this point, he was barely able to keep his eyes open. He closed them for just one second, didn't even notice how his head fell over on the bed and the next thing he realized was how someone softly tickled his neck. He blinked some times and it took a while until he was able to scan what was happening around him. He looked up to Erin and a bright smile formed on his lips when he saw that she was awake and that it were her fingers that traced small circles onto his neck.

″Hey Sleeping Beauty,″ she whispered with a weak grin.

″How long have you been awake?″ he asked and leaned over her to kiss her forehead. With a short sigh of relief he recognized that her temperature was back to normal or at least the same as it was yesterday.

″Half an hour, maybe less.″

″Why didn't you wake me?″ he asked while he checked his clock. He was flabbergasted when the clock hands showed it was noon. Had he really slept through for five straight hours?

″You looked so cute. Plus you looked like you really needed it,″ she answered with a voice that was still barely there.

″How do you feel?″ he asked as he scanned her with his deep blue eyes. She looked a whole lot better than the night before but still far away from good.

″Groggy,″ she answered with a cough that obviously still caused as much pain as yesterday.

″Okay, no more questions. You should try to sleep again, baby,″ he smiled.

″You should go to work,″ she replied. ″And maybe take a shower,″ she added with a weak smirk.

″Wanna tell me I'm stinking?″

″Naah, you could just need some cold water in your face I think,″ she answered and coughed again.

″You should really stop talking now. I'll go home and take the shower you suggested, then I'll stop by the district to tell the others about your condition and then I'll come back. In return, you'll relax, sleep and get healthy until then, alright?″ he asked as he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb. ″And before you ask, I'll of course bring you some clothes,″ he added with a grin. She looked at him with thankful eyes. She didn't have to say anything else just as she didn't even have to ask for some clothes as he was obviously able to read her mind sometimes.

″Sleep well,″ he whispered and kissed her hair. His back ached and he felt every muscle of his body when he got up from the chair. Sleeping in that uncomfortable position for around five hours literally killed his back.

″80 over night, huh?″ Erin asked and tried her best to suppress a laughter that would cause as much pain as coughing.

″90,″ he winked and moaned when he took the first steps towards the door.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay went home and took a quick shower, then he drove to Erin's place and packed some clothes and other stuff into her bag. Afterwards he went to the district to tell everyone about what had happened last night. As only Hank and Al were left as the only healthy cops of the unit, Burgess and Roman were up in the bullpen for the day. But when Jay came in, it seemed like they'd rather have been out on patrol as the case was closed and no new case had shown up yet. He stayed with them for a while before driving back to Chicago Med in the early hours of the evening.

Erin was still asleep when he came and she only woke up one time for some minutes where she told him to go home and have a night with lots of sleep. He tried to argue with her but she insisted that he needed a good amout of sleep just as much as she needed it. He didn't like the thought of leaving her but she was right. So he held her hand and stayed with her until she was asleep again and then left her for the night.

The following morning, he went to the district and begged Hank for yet another free day. Hank wasn't exactly excited about it as Ruzek, Atwater and Antonio were still sick, but he finally approved him one more day off.

When he arrived in Erin's room in the ICU, the doctors were doing their ward round.

″Good morning Mr. Halstead,″ Dr. Simmons greeted Jay when he saw him standing in the doorframe. ″Come on in. I was just about to tell your partner that we're going to transfer her to a normal room now,″ he said.

″That's great,″ Jay smiled as he walked over to Erin's bed, stroked her cheek and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

″The fever is under control and your breathing is fine, so you don't need additional oxydgen anymore. To say it simple: there's no reason to keep you in ICU any longer, Miss Lindsay,″ he now told the both of them.

″Thank God,″ Erin sighed. ″Can I also take a shower then and get rid of this terrible hospital gown?″

″Easy, easy. I don't think your circulation would appreciate that already. You've been laying now for two days, haven't eaten something in this time either, so you have to take it really easy. Maybe you can start with going to the toilet today and when everything goes well, you can maybe take a shower tomorrow,″ he explained.

″But...″ Erin protested, looking to Jay for receiving any kind of help from him. Jay looked back at her and he knew she felt kinda dirty what made her all in all even feel more miserable.

″Listen, Dr. Simmons, I'll take care of her, I promise. She will sit down on a stool and I will shower her and I won't leave her side for one second.″

″Well, you can try to get up later and we'll see how your body reacts. If everything is fine, you can take a short shower,″ he said but still looked like he didn't think it was a good idea.

″Thank you,″ Jay answered.

Dr. Simmons made some more notes onto his chart and left the two of them alone.

″Thank you,″ Erin whispered into Jay's ear.

″Always,″ he winked with a smile and squeezed her hand a little tighter.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin passed the getting-up-test in the afternoon after they'd brought her to her new room. When she first had gotten up, she had felt dizzy and had seen stars dancing around again but with Jay holding her strongly and the knowledge that he would never let her fall down had helped her to stay calm. Dr. Simmons had then also finally agreed on the shower. Jay had helped her to walk to the bathroom and now she was standing in front of him, looking completely groggy just from this short walk.

″You sure you're up to that?″ Jay asked with concerned eyes.

″Yaah, I can't wait for that damn shower.″

″Alright, sit down,″ he said and pointed to the plastic stool which was placed in the shower cubicle. She did as ordered and sat down.

″Let's get you undressed,″ he said and opened the knot of her gown.

″That's the part you like now, huh?″ she chuckled.

″Of course, I've been waiting for that all day,″ he laughed and slipped the gown of her. He grabbed the shower head and turned the water on, waiting for it to get warm enough.

″I think I'll get it from here,″ Erin said while looking up to him.

″What?″ Jay asked.

″I can do it on my own.″

″Erin, I promised Dr. Simmons to shower you and to take care of you and that's exactly what I'm going to do now.″

″But...I don't feel...comfortable with it,″ she mumbled and focused her gaze on the water that rinsed down the sink.

″Why? This isn't the first time I see you naked, Er.″ He tried to say it with a laughter but when Erin gazed up to him for a second she could swear that he looked hurt.

″It's not that,″ she quietly said. ″I just hate feeling so weak...and helpless,″ she added with barely no voice, giving Jay some troubles to even understand her.

He laid the shower head down on the floor and knelt down in front of her. ″I know,″ he sighed, softly stroking her knees with his hands. ″But there's not much of a choice for you right now. You have to accept that your body simply is a little weak at the moment and much more important is, you have to accept the help I'm offering you,″ he said while his blue eyes gazed into her hazel ones. ″And...I mean...this isn't the first time that we shower together. Just the circumstances are different,″ he added with a smirk and now even Erin had to grin.

″You got a point there.″

″I know,″ he replied, grabbed the shower head and got up again. ″Let's get my smelly girl scenting good again,″ he laughed as the water ran over her head whereon Erin replied with punching her elbow into his thigh.

After finishing the shower, Jay helped her to put on a pair of leggins, a big gray hoodie and some cozy socks. He then blow-dried her hair and was more than glad when she was finally back in her bed as she started to look worse and worse with every minute passing.

″How do you feel?″ he asked her while covering her with the blanket.

″Dead,″ she sighed with her eyes closed. ″My head hurts,″ she added and coughed hardly once more, immediately grimacing with pain.

″I'll be back in a minute,″ Jay said and got up. He couldn't handle seeing her like this and went to get one of the doctors.

Some minutes later, Erin was back on the IV as her antibiotics and fluids were due anyway and again she also got a sedative and some painkillers. One of the nurses also bandaged her sprained wrist again. Afterwards, Jay laid down in Erin's bed and she fell asleep on his chest while he held her tightly.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following two days, Jay visited her in the mornings before work and came back to her in the evening, always bringing some of their colleagues with him. Erin not only started to feel better, she also looked a lot better and was awake now throughout the most parts of the day what bored her to death. Due to her concussion she still didn't feel good with watching TV or reading, so the only thing she was able to do was listening music. She was happy about all of the entertainment that her team members brought into the room in the evenings but she of course also enjoyed it when she and Jay were alone and he laid down next to her for about an hour before he left overnight.

When he went into her room on Wednesday evening, she sat on the edge of her bed, eagerly waiting for him.

″Finally,″ she sighed with a laugh.

″Yeah, I know it's hard for you without me,″ he chuckled and leaned in to kiss her. ″Why so impatient?″

″I'll give you three guesses.″

″Because you missed me?″ he winked.

″No...I mean, of course I did but wrong answer, you know?″ she smirked.

″Because you need your human pillow?″

″No. Come on Jay Halstead, you're a detective for a reason, aren't you?″

″Because I can take you home with me tonight?″ he then whispered and leaned down to kiss her smiling lips again.

″Impressive. Seems like you're actually in Intelligence for a reason,″ she laughed but moaned when she felt some stabbing pains in her ribs again.

″Of course I am. So you're clear to go?″

″Yep, all the paper work is done, I have my antibiotic-pills and all these other disgusting meds for the next days and my bag is packed,″ she said and proudly pointed to her bag in the corner.

″Amazing,″ he laughed.

″Take me home,″ she whispered and let him pull her up from the bed.

″With a pleasure,″ he answered, interlocked his fingers with hers, grabbed her bag and together they walked out of Chicago Med, hoping that none of them needed to be there again in the near future.

When they were at his car, like the gentlemen he was, Jay opened the door for her and let her sit in. He placed the bag in the trunk and sat down on the driver's seat.

″Don't get used to that,″ Erin chuckled and bit her lower lip all innocent when she gazed to him.

″Shut up, baby″ he laughed and started the engine of his car.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Home sweet home,″ Jay said as he opened the door to her apartment. At this point, Erin felt exhausted and tired just from the short ways from the hospital to the car and now from the car to her apartment. In addition her headaches returned and her lungs burned due to the strain. He helped her taking off her jacket and guided her to the couch.

″You don't feel too well, do you?″ he asked and once again his eyes were deeply concerned.

″Now I know why they put me on sick leave for at least two weeks,″ she sighed and rubbed her aching temples.

″How about laying in your bed and I make you a soup or something?″

″Not hungry,″ she answered.

″We both know you need to eat something, Er. You lost quite some weight during the last days.″

″Yeah, where does that come from?″ she asked and for the first time in days her voice was bugged and hard.

″Why so touchy?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows.

″I don't know. It just bothers me to be so exhausted from doing nothing I think. And I hate to be helpless, but you already know that,″ she shrugged.

″Tell me about it. But let me simply help you nonetheless, okay? It'll make your life a lot easier.″ He looked at her and she gazed back into his eyes. These amazing, deep blue eyes that told her that he would do anything for her. Did she need him? Of course she did. Would she ever admit it? Most likely not. Although she knew she could always rely on him, admitting she needed his help and really, fully rely on him was still not easy for her.

″As from tomorrow I'll be on my own anyway,″ she answered and her voice was soft again, almost sad.

″You won't,″ he simply said with a little grin.

″What?″

″Do you really think I leave you alone for the next days?″

″No,″ she whispered without hesitation and in all honesty. ″But how?″

″It's called leave days,″ he winked.

″You can't use your rare leave days for being my nurse or whatever.″

″They're my leave days and I can use them for whatever I want.″

″You know you don't have to do that,″ she whispered but she couldn't deny that she was touched. Once again she got the prove that Jay Halstead was the most protective and most caring human being she has ever met. And sometimes she still asked herself how she got to be so blessed to call him her boyfriend.

″I know. But I want to do it,″ he answered. She leaned closer to him, kissed him and then wrapped her arms tightly around him and buried her face in his neck.

″Thank you,″ she mumbled on his skin and enjoyed how he now wrapped his arms around her waist and rubbed her back with one hand.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following days were just as uneventful as expected. Erin was too exhausted to do anything more than going from the couch to her bedroom and after showering or eating she always needed some sleep. Jay brought her to her daily appointments at the doctor, did the grocery shopping while she slept, cooked for her, made her smoothies with fresh fruits, picked up new meds from the pharmacy when she needed them and kept her apartment tidy and clean.

″Don't you ever complain about feeling like a house husband again,″ she casually said when he cleaned up the kitchen after they had dinner. He didn't hear her coming as he thought she was still in the bathroom, taking a shower. He turned around and grinned at her.

″This is an exception due to special circumstances,″ he winked.

″So is your driving these days,″ she teased and got closer to him.

″Slowly but steady getting back to your old self, huh?″ he laughed and shook his head.

″Yep, feeling better day by day.″

″I see that,″ he said and kissed her smiling lips.

″Admit it, you missed that.″

″For sure. It's not the same when you don't have the last word. I'm not used to that,″ he chuckled. She looked up to him, saw his eyes sparkling as they always sparkled when they did that kind of flirting.

″I love you,″ she whispered. She never had thought that these three little words would one day come so easily from her lips. But Jay Halstead has changed her. The love she felt for him has changed her. ″For all you are and for all you do,″ she added with a shy smile.

He softly grabbed her chin and kissed her lips with an intense kiss.

″I love you, too.″

″Seriously Jay, thank you for everything you're doing for me. No one has ever cared about me like that before. It makes me feel...special.″

″Because this is what you are for me: special. In fact, the most special person in my life,″ he said and his voice was low. Meanwhile, Erin's face blushed a little.

″Uuhm...I don't know what to say...″

″You don't have to say anything. Making you speechless feels good. Really good. Like a win or something,″ he laughed and earned a soft punch onto his shoulder from her.

"A rare win," she teased.

″A win's a win," he chuckled. "But however, you wanna watch a movie?"

″We can try. Can't promise I'll make it to the end though,″ she grinned.

They put a movie into the blue ray player and laid down on the couch, with Erin comfortably resting in Jay's strong arms. Of course he did not forget to cover a cozy blanket over his still sick girlfriend. He was glad that his girl started to feel better day by day. This one girl, he would do anything for. And he knew Erin slowly but steady realized that...

* * *

 **By the way: thanks for the reviews again, I really appreciate them and I'm happy you like this story. On another note: I finished writing the aftermath of 3x14 and it will come up in chapter 8. I tried to find a feasible explanation for Jay's behaviour and it was more than nerve-wrecking and time-consuming so I don't think I will ever try to fill a gap the show gives us again and will instead fully concentrate on my story :D**


	5. Broken Pieces

**Hey there,**

 **first of all I'd like to thank you all for the reviews!**

 **Aaaaand then, is anyone as excited as I am for Wednesdays episode? Because I literally count down the hours. Can't wait for the Jay-centric episode where we will hopefully finally learn something about his past.**

 **At the same time I'm a bit worried that the episode that was supposed to be a Linsteadpalooza will now be Linsteadtrouble all the way thanks to weed lady. It's not that I don't trust Jay. The Jay Halstead we know would never do anything. But unfortunately his life is badly influenced by Derek Haas and friends and they are the ones I don't trust...**

 **But there's still a little hope left in me that Erin will be there for him and not weed lady and that we'll finally get proof that they are in a deeper relationship...but it's CPD, so you never know...let's just wait and see and pray that Wednesday comes fast! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.**

* * *

 **5\. Broken Pieces**

Jay woke up early Sunday morning when the sun lightened up the bedroom of Erin's apartment. He yawned and turned his head around to Erin's side of the bed. He wasn't surprised to see that she was still asleep. Her body needed tons of that at the moment and he wanted to let her sleep as long as possible. He got up from the bed and went to the kitchen, preparing a little surprise he had planned for Erin. Today was his last free day and as the weather was surprisingly warm for early May, he wanted to take her out to Grant Park, having a picnic there and just enjoy the spring-sun.

He made some sandwiches and put them in the picnic basket along with some grapes, strawberries, bananas and chocolate. Last but not least he also placed some bottles with juice in the basket. After finishing with all of his preparations, he went back to the bedroom and laid down again. He didn't want Erin to wake up to an empty bedside.

About an hour later, her eyes fluttered open. She twinkled some times and a small smile rushed over her lips when she saw Jay staring at her.

″Stop being so creepy,″ she yawned with a raspy voice.

″Creepy? Am I not allowed to stare at my beautiful girlfriend and realize how lucky I am?″ he chuckled and leaned over her to kiss her.

″No,″ she laughed, replying his kiss.

″Do it anyway,″ he winked and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Of course she didn't hesitate to curl into his arm like she always did.

″As I said, creepy,″ she answered with a laugh, tracing soft circles onto his bare chest.

″Whatever. How do you feel today?″

″Better than the previous mornings.″

″Good,″ he mumbled, kissing her hair and burying his face in it. ″You feel up to a little adventure today?″

″Adventure?″ she asked and looked up to him, raising her eyebrows.

″Not what you think,″ he laughed when he saw her face.

″You don't know what I think,″ she defended herself while her cheeks blushed a little. He loved it when this happened. It made her even more adorable than she already was.

″Oh I do,″ he smirked. ″But I think we should wait a little until we do that again,″ he said with a low voice but his lips crushed hers anyways.

″Should we?″ she asked playfully and gazed at him all innocent.

″We both know how your body reacts when it meets my body...and I don't want you to collaps again due to breathlessness,″ he whispered with a grin.

″Wanna tell me I'm not up to that, Jay?″

″Exactly. Not yet at least.″

″Jerk,″ she laughed. ″But maybe you're right,″ she admitted. She knew herself that she wasn't fit enough for any kind of physical strain at the moment and she didn't even feel like she was up to that in the near future.

″Say that again,″ he begged and had a little winning smile on his face.

″You're right Jay Halstead. But I don't think this is a reason for you to celebrate because we both know that neither of us likes this,″ she winked and now she was the one with the winning smile on her face.

″Well...you got a point there.″

″I know, right? So as we now figured out what you don't mean with adventure, can you please tell me what you actually mean?″ He could tell from her face that she was quite curious.

″I thought we could go to Grant Park and have a picnic there. Maybe somewhere close to the lake or the harbor. The sun and the fresh air will be good for you.″

″This is a great idea,″ she nodded and snuggled even closer onto him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was around noon when they walked through Grant Park, holding each others hands tightly, and enjoyed the sunny day. They strolled around a bit and sat down on some benches from time to time when Erin needed a break. As Jay had predicted, the sun and the fresh air were good for her still sick and weak body but she felt exhausted after the shortest amout of time. They walked along the lake for a little while longer and then finally found a nice place under a big tree were they still got enough sun not to freeze. Jay placed the blanket on the ground and unpacked the picnic basket. They sat down, ate some sandwiches and then fed each other with fruits and chocolate, giggling around like two teenagers who just fell in love for the first time. After finishing their lunch, Jay leaned back to the tree trunk and Erin laid down between his legs, resting the back of her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist and closed his eyes when he buried his head in her hair and smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo. For a while they just sat there like this, enjoying each others closeness, and watched the sailboats come and go or even dozed off a little in the warm sun.

″I think this is my new favorite place,″ she whispered somewhen.

″Yeah, it's quite nice here,″ he mumbled.

″Not just nice. It's so peaceful. And the flowers and trees and the boats and the sun make it perfect. I could lay her all day. Even every day I think.″

″So you quit your job and start a career in uhm...professional chilling here?″ he joked.

″I'd survive that for exactly one day,″ she chuckled.

″One day? Really? I'd give you some hours,″ Jay laughed.

″Or that,″ she admitted and also laughed.

They kept laying there for the rest of the afternoon and enjoyed being so close to each other. As Jay had to go back to work tomorrow, this would for sure be the last time within the next weeks that they had so much time for themselves and their relationship.

As the breeze got cooler in the late afternoon, they packed their stuff together. When Erin started to freeze on their way back to the car, Jay gave her his jacket and protectivly covered it around her shoulders.

In the evening, they ordered pizza and watched another movie. When Erin laid in his arms on the couch, Jay couldn't deny how much he loved this. And how much he got used to this during the last days. Waking up next to her every morning and falling asleep next to her every evening. Cooking for her and with her, snuggeling with her on the couch while watching TV with her every evening. Just simply living together with her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following two weeks were like hell for Erin. Although she felt better day by day thanks to the antibiotics she still had to take two times a day, the process of recovery was too long in her opinion. She still got exhausted fast and needed to sleep at daytime. In addition, she was bored to death as she didn't know what to do all time. She was quite happy that Jay was at work all day because otherwise she would have taken out her bad mood on him and he didn't deserve that. At least she was able to do the grocery shopping on her own but when she returned home she always felt like she just ran a marathon. Her doctor even extended her sick leave for another week but at least she was finally off the antibiotics for that last week of her sick leave. Jay tried to come to her place every evening but at the moment, their cases required nightshifts almost every day. Sometimes he still went to her place in the middle of the night, sometimes he went to his apartment as he didn't want to wake her up.

Finally, the day she was allowed to go back to work came closer, although she had to do desk duty for at least a week as her doctor didn't clear her for too much physical strain yet.

She woke up early on Monday morning, long before her alarm clock was ringing. She was so excited to go back to work and finally being able to do something again. It has almost been four and a half weeks since she's been at work for the last time. The longest four and a half weeks in her life. She couldn't wait any second longer now. Of course desk duty wasn't exactly what she wanted to do but it was better than doing nothing. One more day in her apartment and she was sure she'd go crazy.

She turned to the other side of the bed and smiled when she saw Jay all curled up in his blanket. He looked so cute when he was asleep. His face looked soft and although his eyes were closed it always looked like he had a little grin on his lips when he was sleeping. Her heart started to flutter when she thought about how much she loved him. At the same time it also scared her but right now she just craved for him so much. Craved for his body and his touches. She rolled closer to him, put her hand under the blanket and then under his shirt, starting to softly tickle his abs. He started to groan when he felt her fingers touching his body. Erin giggled and now started to place kisses on his cheeks and down his neck in addition.

″Erin,″ he moaned when he felt her fingers going down deeper. He opened his eyes and looked into her sparkling eyes. An irresistible smile surrounded her lips.

″What are you up to this early in the morning?″ he yawned.

″Nothing,″ she smirked and crashed her lips with his.

″So, this is nothing?″ he asked and held her hand to keep it from going down any further.

″Exactly,″ she laughed.

″So how about me doing nothing, too?″ A nasty grin rushed over his face as his hand now went under her shirt.

″I like it when we both do nothing,″ she whispered as he rolled over her and kissed her intensly.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Look who's back,″ Adam welcomed Erin when she reached the top of the stairs of the bullpen two hours later.

″Was about time Linds,″ Kevin also said with a bright smile on his face.

″Tell me about it,″ Erin laughed.

″Glad you're back. We all missed you here,″ Antonio said and hugged her.

″Yeah and because we missed you so much, we have some presents for you so you won't get sick again soon,″ Adam said with a dorky grin and pointed to her desk. Only now she saw some tea packages, cough drops, vitamin pills and tissues stored there.

″Bite me Ruzek, where's my coffee?″ she laughed and shook her head.

″Waiting for you in my office,″ a familar raspy voice said behind her. She turned around a saw Hank casually leaning on the door frame of his office. A little thankful smile rushed over her face when she looked into her pseudo-father's eyes. ″Come on in, kiddo,″ ordered and went into his office. Erin followed him, but turned around again before she closed the door.

″You better clean this mess up fast, really fast Ruzek,″ she said with a wink and pointed to all the things she surely didn't need anymore and hopefully wouldn't need in the near future either.

″This was the last time you got a gift from me Lindsay,″ he joked as she closed the door. She took the seat adverse Hank, sipped on her coffee and started to laugh.

″What's up?″ Hank frowned.

″You know it's been loooong four weeks when you realize that you even missed the coffee. This freakin' damn coffee that is anything but good,″ she chuckled and took another sip from it.

″I'm glad you're back kid. It isn't the same here when you're not around,″ he said and gave her a warm glance.

″One more day at home and you could've admitted me to Med, to Dr. Charles's station to be precise, for going crazy,″ she sighed.

″I'm surprised that this didn't happen already,″ he grinned.

″I hate to admit it but I think I really needed to stay at home so long as I didn't feel too well.″

″How do you feel now?″

″Back at 100 percent and ready to do my job.″

″For now it's desk duty, you know that Erin,″ Hank said and raised his eyebrows.

″I don't need to be on desk duty, really. I feel good and I can do my job just as everyone else,″ she disagreed although sensed there was no chance.

″You had your second lung function testing yet?″

″No,″ she mumbled. ″It's next week.″

″And as long as this isn't done you're not cleared for full duty by neither your doctor nor me,″ Hank shrugged.

″But...-″ she tried again.

″Erin don't try to discuss because there's nothing to discuss about. We're not going to risk anything this time,″ he said and Erin knew this was his way of saying that her accident had affected him more than he was able to admit.

″It won't happen again,″ she quietly answered and directly looked into Hank's eyes, giving him an encouraging smile.

″Exactly Erin, it won't because you'll stay on desk duty until your doctor says different. You can also do the interrogations and maybe you can go out and do notifications or talk with witnesses by the end of the week. But that's it,″ Hank said and made his point clear. Erin still looked anything but satisfied.

″Take it or I put you on full desk duty all week without interrogations and notifications and let you renew old CI files or whatever,″ he shrugged and scanned her for her reaction. Erin exhaled a deep breath and tried to stay calm.

″I take it,″ she finally agreed, took her cup and got up, ready to leave his office.

″It's only for your best, kid,″ Hank said as she reached the door. She turned her head around again. He cared so much about her and she was so thankful for that although she never really showed him.

″I know,″ she said. ″Thank you,″ she then added with a smile and left his office.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The week passed without any major happenings. Erin was happy to be back at work and everyone in the bullpen was happy to have her back. As Hank had ordered, she mostly did the paper work of their cases and interrogated the suspects and from time to time she went out with Jay to do notifications or talk with witnesses. The only thing she wasn't allowed to do was chasing the bad guys and she had to admit that she was quite sad when all the others put their vests on and she had to stay at the precinct. She craved for some action. For finally using her gun again and doing the job she loved so much.

After one and a half endless weeks on desk duty, she finally had the appointment for the lung function testing. Her doctor had already done this test three weeks ago and the results weren't too well back then. But this time around she passed it without any problems, meaning she was now finally cleared for full duty.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It's been three days since Erin was back on her job in full action and now her and Jay were laying on the couch in Jay's apartment and enjoyed their easy evening. They had spent the previous evenings at Mollys with their colleagues or had to do a nightshift to bust some suspects, so today was one of those evenings where they just were too unmotivated, lazy and tired to do anything else than chilling on the couch. They've decided to watch a movie. Or better: Erin had. Much to Jays disfavor. It was a movie where everything was about love to be exact.

Erin had her head rested on Jays chest and he had his arms covered around her shoulder. It was the position they always watched TV together.

″We should've watched the horror film,″ Jay sighed when there was the hundreth or so kiss and another gooey declaration of love.

″Naaah, this is so romantic,″ Erin laughed.

″It's not. Actually it's kinda disgusting. How can you even like something like that?″

″I don't know. I think I just like it when people get their happy end,″ she answered seriously, turned her head up and looked him in the eyes.

″You know, I like these real-life happy-ends a lot better,″ he answered and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

″So I guess you're not that fairytale-kinda-guy who believes that the prince and the princess live happily ever after?″ she joked. Now it was on him to answer all serious.

″I didn't believe in fairytales. Until I found my princess.″ The look his eyes gave her was worth a thousand words. Erin didn't know what to answer. The guy who hated romantic films has just said something that made her speechless and that didn't happen often. She even had to clear her throat before she was able to say something.

″This is about the sweetest thing you ever said Jay Halstead,″ she whispered and kissed him.

″Yeah, all these stupid romantic films turned me into a hopeless, romantic idiot,″ he said after the kiss. Erin just replied with boxing him onto his shoulders.

″No seriously Erin. I love you. And yeah, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Happily ever after.″ Erin's heart fluttered and once again she realized how much she loved this blue-eyed, kind-hearted man who held her tightly. She never has had feelings like these ever before. Not even close. And this little fact unfortunately made her fluttering heart heavy at the same time.

Meanwhile Jay kept his gaze focused on the TV and he thought about whether this was now the right time to finally ask her something he wanted to do for two weeks already. It took him a second to figure out that it was the right time. These past four weeks have brought them together closer than ever and in his opinion it was time for the next step.

″So what do you think about the princess and the prince moving into one castle together?″ he asked her with a smile on his lips.

″What?″ she replied and looked up to him. It was more a rhetorical question to insure herself that she had heard right.

″You and me. One apartment. Together,″ he explained and now looked down into her face. He wasn't sure how to interpret the gaze he saw. ″You know, these past weeks when we were together every day and every night...I got used to that. What shall I say, I loved it. And as you're always here or I'm always at your place, why shouldn't we make it one place?″ The second he spoke out his last words he knew he shouldn't have done it. He felt how her body got stiff in his embrace and for the little moment she looked at him he saw how something in her eyes got lost.

″Jay...I...I can't do this now,″ she spluttered and squirmed out of his grasp.

″Erin,″ he said insistently and held her on her wrist.

″Let me go,″ she quitely begged while still not looking at him.

″Erin,″ he said again but he felt how she tried to pull away from him.

″Let me go.″ This time her voice was a lot louder so he did what she wanted him to do.

″What the hell is going on?″ he asked her as she stood up from the couch, searching for her jacket. He didn't get it. Some minutes ago everything has been perfect. They have joked and laughed, he has told her he wants to spend the rest of his live with her and he has simply suggested to move in together.

″Nothing,″ she shrugged and grabbed her jacket from the chair where she had dropped it earlier.

″Nothing?″ he echoed. ″So why are you looking for your stuff then?″

″Because maybe I should better go now,″ she said and walked to the door without even looking at him. He now also got up from the couch and followed her. His anger rose up because she didn't seem to care about anything but getting out of his apartment.

″Yeah, maybe you should,″ he spat therefore. He wasn't able to stay calm any longer. Her behaviour hurt him. A lot. He wanted her to stay, wanted to hear an explanation why out of a sudden everything seemed to break away. She didn't answer anything and this fact made him even more angry.

″So just one question,″ he said before she reached the door. He had a vague idea and right now he was to angry to hold it back. ″Why can't you just completely fall for someone?″ She immediately froze and turned around a moment later. She had her arms crossed in defense in front of her chest.

″Yeah Jay, why can't I completely fall for someone?″ she echoed with a sarcastic voice. ″I really thought YOU out of all people would understand,″ she added, pointing at him.

″Really? How should I?″ he replied and his voice was just as pissed as hers. At this point he was so mad, he really wanted to challenge her.

″I told you everything!″ she shouted.

″Did you? Because I have the feeling you only told me the superficial things you still feel comfortable with. Not the things that are actually important for us.″

″Says the guy who has never told me a SHIT about his past yet,″ she said derisively and shook her head.

″This is not about me Erin. This whole situation. This is not on me. It's on you,″ he almost yelled. He couldn't believe what they were doing there and also what he was doing as he just has done of the things he never wanted to do. Yelling at her.

″I better go now.″ She turned around, ready to leave all of this behind her.

″Yaah Erin, run away. That's what you can do best anyway,″ he said with a sarcastic laughter.

She turned her head around one last time and for one second Jay was sure he saw some tears in her eyes. But when she finally spoke, her voice wasn't broken but simply cold.

″Maybe all of this was a big mistake,″ she said, opened the door and left.

″Yeah! Maybe it was!″ he yelled after her and slammed the door. Frustrated and anrgy he hardly kicked his foot against the door before sliding down on the wall, covering his head in his hands. So that was it? Was it over? Did they just split up because of a fight about barely nothing? He knew that he had said things out of his anger. He'd never meant it like that and he already regretted it. But Erin? Her voice was so cold. And especially her last words stirred his mind up. After everything they've been through she called their relationship a big mistake. And the worst thing was, he couldn't tell whether she really meant it or not. Maybe she'd just said it because she was also hurt. But maybe not. Jay shook his head and got up from the floor, heading to the kitchen to grab a beer. Or two. Or three. Or even more. He needed distraction. He needed something that kept him from thinking and pouring all his feelings and emotions down with alcohol seemed like the best possibility to do so. He wanted to forget this day and maybe he even wanted to forget these past months because all he saw right now were the broken pieces of the best relationship he ever had...

* * *

 **I know, with adding a little trouble I'm maybe just as evil as Derek at this Point. But maybe you want to leave a review anyway!**


	6. Things We Said Today

**First of all: how incredible was Jesse in last weeks episode? Especially this last scene had me in tears...**

 **I know I complained about the cancelled road trip before but with the way 3x17 turned out I have to admit that this was maybe even better. Because we finally got the proof that Erin and Jay are really in a deeper relationship, with her being deeply worried about him and simply being there for him and that's all I wanted to see for so long. I prefer these little scenes over any kind of make-out scenes because they give me faith that these two really have a bright future ahead... :)**

 **Secondly: thanks again for the reviews and sorry for letting you wait but University has been crazy lately. This chapter inludes a flashback (italic) to "Knocked the Family right out". Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.**

* * *

 **6\. Things We Said Today**

The beer prevented Jay from having a sleepless night. He didn't even know how many beers he has drunk but somewhen he fell into an unsettled sleep on the couch. When the alarm clock of his phone rang on the following morning, he felt like being hit by a train. His head and every part of his body ached and he was tired beyond limits. He took a cold shower, tidied up the mess of empty bottles in his living room and took some painkillers against his headaches. For a moment he thought about not going to work today. He knew it was going to be a struggle. But he had to face it. Or better: her. He couldn't stay at home just because he didn't want to see her right now. He started to understand why Hank was so relentlessly against inhouse romance because now they had a problem. A big one. He wasn't sure whether he was able to keep it together and act professional at work. Erin for sure would simply give him the cold shoulder because she was good at ignoring things that needed to be spoken out. Maybe he'd ask Hank to change partners for a while. But then his boss would ask why he didn't want to be partnered up with his girlfriend anymore. Hank would find out soon enough anyway, but he didn't have to know about their crisis, break-up or whatever it was already now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When he arrived at the bullpen half an hour later, everyone was already waiting for him, except Erin. She wasn't there. Not showing up at all was option number two he has had in his mind when he had thought about how she would deal with everything.

All of his team members eyeballed him a little too much this morning and he assumed he just looked as miserable as he felt.

″You went to a party last night?″ Adam joked.

″Yaah, kinda,″ Jay replied, forcing a laughter when he felt anything but laughing.

″Didn't do you good, buddy.″

″Thanks man,″ he answered and sat down in his chair.

″Where's Erin?″ Hank asked when he stepped out of his office in the same moment.

″Uhm...She doesn't feel well today,″ Jay lied. Using a little white lie was the best out of a lot of bad options.

″Again?″ Hank dug deeper and raised his eyebrows.

″Migraine. She maybe comes later when she feels better,″ Jay shrugged and tried not to look into Hank's face. He would surely only need one second to find out that he was lying.

″Maybe we should've kept her on desk duty for a little while longer,″ Hank noticed and went to the board, pinned some photos and explained them their newest case.

Jay really tried to pay attention to his boss but he was too distracted. He couldn't deny that he was worried about Erin. Obviously she hasn't contacted Hank about not coming in today, so basically nobody knew where she was. It wasn't on him to make the first step and actually he didn't even want to see her but he couldn't ignore his concern either. During his lunch break he drove to her apartment. No matter how much she had hurt him, he needed to know whether she was fine or not. He cared about her and no matter how this would end, he knew he always would.

He parked the 300 in front of her apartment and walked up the stairs. He knocked on her door, yelled her name. Nothing. He repeated it a few more times but didn't get any reaction. He put his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door with the key he'd gotten from her some weeks ago.

″Erin?″ he asked and checked out all the rooms. She wasn't there. The only things he found were some empty beer bottles on her counter. Her bed was made and it didn't look like she'd slept in there last night. It seemed like she ran away just like she always did when things got tough. And most likely she ran to the wrong people like she also always did. He sighed and rubbed his aching temples before leaving her apartment and locking the door behind him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

As expected, Erin's desk stayed empty for the rest of the day. While doing his paper work in the evening, his thoughts distracted him again. He stared over to the empty desk and realized how much he missed her presence after only one day. And it didn't do any good that his memories constantly went back to all these little moments of love they had shared during the past months.

″ _You ready?″ Jay asked Erin when she opened the door._

″ _Give me a minute,″ she smiled and let him into her apartment._

″ _Take the time you need,″ he smiled back and sat down on her couch while she went back to her bedroom. They wanted to go to Molly's to drink some beers with their colleagues. After a day like today they all really needed it. All the things that had happened had scared and affected him more than he wanted to admit. The realization that Erin was alone with the offender and then finding her captivated with some crazy psycho holding a big knife onto her throat. He couldn't remember the last time he was so scared and worried about someone._

″ _Here I am,″ she said and interrupted his thoughts. He gazed at her. She looked tired and her smile looked forced and faked._

″ _You sure you wanna go to Molly's tonight?″ he asked her and walked closer to her._

″ _Sure, why not?″ she shrugged._

″ _Maybe you don't feel up to it.″_

″ _I'm fine Jay.″_

″ _Are you?″ he dug deeper._

″ _Yeah. The only thing that bothers me is that I was such an idiot,″ she said and tried to smile at him. Jay knew she was lying but she obviously wasn't able to reveal her real feelings about the happenings yet._

″ _Alright, let's go then,″ he said, interlocked his fingers with hers and together they left her apartment._

 _Together with Adam, Antonio and Kevin they had a diverting evening at their favorite bar. But every time Erin laughed, Jay knew it wasn't real. She was hiding something, played a role. The others didn't recognize it but he surely did. Most likely she hid her real feelings and emotions deep inside of her like she almost always did. He tried his best to enjoy the evening and joked and laughed with his team members, but Erin's behaviour concerned him too much._

 _When they arrived back at her apartment shortly after midnight, Jay also got out of the car as he was sure they were going to spend the night together._

″ _Uhm...I'd prefer to be alone tonight,″ she said, biting her lower lip and trying everything to avoid eye contact with him._

″ _Are you serious with me right now?″ he asked and his voice sounded stunned._

″ _I am. I think I need some alone-time.″_

″ _See, I don't think you do,″ Jay disagreed._

″ _Let me put it that way: I want to be alone tonight. So if you could please just accept that and not try to put up a fight where's nothing to fight about.″_

″ _Erin,″ he said and reached for her arm._

″ _Don't,″ she cut him off and distanced herself from him. He raised his eyebrows and slightly shook his head. He didn't get it why she still did things like this over and over again._

″ _Alright, sleep well then,″ he said, turned around and got into his car without waiting for her reaction. He watched her walking into the house and turned on the engine of his car just to turn it off again some seconds later. This wasn't right. As much as she locked him out of her life once again, he couldn't leave her alone. He knew she needed him but she would never admit it. Not yet at least. He stayed in his car for some more minutes, thinking about what he would do if she would send him away again. He decided not to think about it any further, got out of his car and ran up the stairs. Luckily, she had given him a key for her apartment the previous week and he hasn't returned it to her yet. He knew she would never open the door now, so he unlocked it with the key. The bad feeling he had was confirmed when he found Erin huddled in front of the tub in the bathroom, staring to the floor with empty eyes while some tears slid down her face._

″ _Hey, Er,″ he whispered and sat down right next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She didn't look at him but buried her head on his chest. He heard silent sobs every once in a while. He tightened his grasp and placed soft kisses on her hair to calm her down and show her that he was there._

 _They sat there for a while and Jay's tight embrace and warm body combined with the well-known scent of his aftershave helped Erin to settle after a while._

″ _Come on, let's sit down on the couch instead of the cold floor,″ he suggested, stood up and pulled her up. He guided her to the living room, sat down on the couch and she immediately curled onto his chest again, listening to his steady heartbeat. From time to time he again placed soft kisses on her hair, but he didn't say anything. He was there for her and right now this was all she needed to know._

″ _You must think I'm crazy,″ she somewhen said raspily._

″ _I don't, actually. You went through something today. So let it all out. Your emotions and your feelings. Don't try to bury them inside of you. This doesn't help and I'm here and I won't go,″ he said and now kissed her forehead._

″ _I know,″ she said. ″Thank you.″_

 _Despite some more almost unhearable sobs from time to time, they sat on the couch in complete silence for a while._

″ _When you want to talk about something, feel free to do so,″ he mumbled into her hair when the sobbing stopped. He knew Erin was not the kind of person who would cry because of what had happened earlier. Of course she was most likely still shocked. This and all her faked smiles this evening were the reasons why he didn't want her to be alone. But there must've been more to the story and he wanted her to talk about it._

″ _Yeah...uhm...maybe.″ This was all she said for the next fifteen minutes and Jay already assumed she wouldn't tell him anything when she suddenly did._

″ _You know,″ she started and took a deep breath before she was able to continue. ″All this crying isn't because I was so scared. I mean, of course I was but...I can deal with that...I think...″ she spluttered, trying to order what she wanted to say. He looked at her, didn't say anything and waited patiently for her to go on._

″ _I thought about Nadia,″ she finally admitted. ″How scared she must've been and how much she had suffered before she died,″ she said and swallowed down the lump in her throat. ″I mean...I was already scared this afternoon but she went through so much more Jay. She must've been so scared for so many hours and no one was there for her. For so many hours she knew what would happen. She was alone and went through hell. He excruciated her and she knew he wouldn't let her go. These thoughts and thinking about her in general was just to much for me to deal with,″ she said quietly and tears started to stream down her face again. ″All the time I tried not to let these memories come too close to me and I was able to more or less ignore them but when I came in here some minutes ago I just couldn't handle it anymore. I saw her old, empty room and then I saw her cold, dead, empty eyes and I remembered what this animal did to her and...″_

″ _Erin,″ he said softly and wiped her tears away with his thumb._

″ _You don't have to say anything. I know that Nadia is in a better place now with everything she's been through. All of this, what happened today, just brought back memories I thought I'm done with,″ she whispered._

″ _Erin, don't get me wrong here but I don't think you'll ever be done with that. And I don't think you should ever be done with it. Nadia was your friend, she was like your sister. These memories will always be there. The bad ones bad but also the good ones. And especially thanks to the good ones she will forever be a part of your life. Our life.″ He looked directly into her eyes while speaking and with every word he said her eyes filled more and more with tears again._

″ _And Erin, it's okay to cry and to show emotions. You're not a robot. You went through so much in your life already and dealed with it on your own. But you don't have to do that anymore. Sometimes a good cry helps a lot more than swallowing everything down. And you know, I'm always there.″_

 _Erin nodded in response as she wasn't able to say anything. Of course she knew. He has been there for her from the very first second and no matter what she had done, he has never given up on her._

″ _Would you mind staying here tonight?″ she asked him when she finally found her voice again._

″ _Did you ever think I'm going to leave you alone tonight?″_

″ _No,″ she said and slightly shook her head._

″ _Right answer,″ he said and a little smile rushed over his lips._

″ _Honest answer,″ she shrugged and also smiled a little. The first real smile all day._

″ _Yeah?″_

″ _Yeah. Thank you Jay,″ she said and kissed him._

″ _What for?″ he asked afterwards._

″ _For just being who you are. I can always rely on you, always could in the past, too and magically you always know when I need you most before I know it or before I'm able to admit it. And I can't tell in words how much I love you for that.″ Jay's blue eyes widened in surprise. He didn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth._

″ _Uhm...wow,″ he sighed._

″ _What?″ she asked. Obviously she didn't realize that she just had said the three most important little words two people can share._

″ _How was it?″ he asked her and couldn't hide a smirk._

″ _How was what?″ Her gaze was curious as she didn't get what he was talking about._

″ _Speaking out loud those three words you fear so much to say.″_

″ _What are you talking...ouh,″ she sighed as the realization hit her. ″Uhm, what makes you think I fear to say them?″_

″ _Why do you think I never said them yet?″_

″ _I don't know.″_

″ _You would've run away,″ he simply noticed._

″ _I wouldn't.″_

″ _So you tell me, if I had told you I'm head over heals in love with you that one night at Molly's or on any other occasion after that, you wouldn't have had the urge to immediately run away?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows._

″ _Uhm...I...maybe...,″ she mumbled and her cheeks blushed._

″ _See,″ he said. He didn't look mad or anything, even smiled. ″I didn't want to push you into anything. I didn't want you to say something in response you would maybe regret immediately. So I decided to wait until you're ready for it. And after three months it seems like you finally are,″ he whispered and kissed her._

″ _I didn't even think about it.″_

″ _You just let your feelings do the talking and that's exactly how I wanted it to be.″_

″ _It's easy.″_

″ _What?″ he asked and now he was the one who was a little confused._

″ _You asked me how it is to speak these three little words out loud. It's easy when you really mean it. It's easy when you really love the person,″ she said and her eyes sparkled. ″I love you Jay Halstead.″ Her lips crushed his in an intense kiss to confirm the words she had just said to him._

″ _And I love you Erin Lindsay,″ he replied afterwards. ″And now let's get you to bed.″ He pulled her up from the couch, guided her to the bedroom and held her tightly all night._

″Halstead!″

Jay startled and looked directly into his boss's face. How many times has he probably already yelled his name?

″Are you deaf or dreaming?″ Hank asked, shaking his head.

″I'm sorry. What's up?″

″I'm going to call it a day and as you maybe realized, all of your colleagues already have.″ Jay looked around in the bullpen and recognized that really no one else was there anymore.

″Uhm, yeah, I just need to finish that paperwork,″ he answered and pointed to the almost empty forms in front of him.

″Don't you already work on that for over an hour?″ Hank noticed and raised his eyebrows.

″Not my day today,″ Jay shrugged.

″Whatever,″ Hank replied as he walked towards the stairs. Before he went down, he hesitated and turned around again.

″Heard anything from Erin?″

″No...uhm...not much. She's sleeping.″

″Alright, see you tomorrow then,″ Hank said and eyeballed him once again before he went down the stairs and left Jay alone in the bullpen. It took him another hour to finish filling in these stupid forms as he made some mistakes due to his lack of concentration and had to do it all again.

When he was finally on his way home, he picked up some food from a Chinese restaurant and bought more beer at the liquor store. Arriving at home, he changed his jeans to some sweat pants, turned the TV on and sat down on his couch to eat his dish and drink some beers. He tried everything not to think about Erin, but as much he did, it didn't work. He checked his phone for messages or missed calls from her every five minutes and she was on his mind all time. The things she had said were on his mind. Things she'd said in the past, like the first I love you but also the things she'd said last evening. Maybe it was never even real after all. Maybe all of this was just a joke. Maybe she didn't mean any of the words she'd said. And in this case he didn't mean the things she'd said last evening, but much more all these I love you's. He'd never doubted them. Not for a single second. But now he wasn't sure anymore whether anything of this has ever been real...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The next day, Erin's desk stayed as empty as the day before. For Jay, it was yet another painful day full of lies and another sleepless night as the beer also didn't stop his mind from thinking and didn't help him to fall asleep as well.

The following morning, Jay felt even worse than the days before. He poured down a cup of black coffee in no time and took a cold shower that made him at least feel a little more alive. He didn't expect Erin to come to work today so it was no surprise that she wasn't in the bullpen when he arrived there just in time again. Jay went to the break room and made himself another cup of coffee. This hot drink was the only thing that could get him through the day.

″Where's Erin?″ a raspy voice asked behind him.

″Don't I know it,″ Jay mumbled more to the cup of coffee in his hand without thinking about his words.

″Excuse me?″ Hank asked. Jay turned around and when his gaze met the one of his boss, he knew that he knew something was going on there.

″I don't know,″ he simply shrugged, sipping at his coffee. He was too tired to keep on lying.

″What's that supposed to mean?″

″It means that I don't know,″ Jay answered with his voice rising.

″You promised me you have her back,″ Hank said and his voice also was anything but calm.

″I promised so many things,″ Jay replied with a bitter laughter. ″But she won't let me keep my promises. Instead she makes me break them.″ With this words he ended the conversation and wanted to walk out of the break room.

″Halstead,″ Hank shouted permeable. Jay hesitated in his movement and closed the door from the inside. There was no chance Voight would let him go now. He turned around and gazed into his girlfriend's pseudo-fathers face. Well, ex-girlfriend. Or whatever.

″What happened?″

For a brief second Jay thought about telling Hank another lie. But what was the good of it? Hank Voight would find out the truth sooner or later anyway.

″She ran away, like she always did.″

″Why?″ Hank dug deeper.

″Didn't you listen? She ran away! What means I wasn't able to ask her for her stupid reasons!″

″So you guys had a fight?″ Hank noticed. Jay stood up to Hank's gaze and saw how his eyes twinkled angrily.

″Sort of.″

″What happened?″ Hank asked again and Jay knew that he wanted to hear the full story.

″I'm sorry but you're not the person I want to discuss my relationship problems with. And if I'd tell you it wasn't my fault, you wouldn't believe me anyway, so what?″ Jay shrugged, opened the door and went to his desk.

″In this case I do, Halstead. In this case I do,″ Hank quietly said to himself as he watched the young detective sitting down on his desk. He has seen the pain in Jay's eyes and he could tell just from his face and his behaviour that he was hurt beyond limits. And as Erin didn't show up at work the past days, she apparently also knew that she has hurt him and feared to meet him therefore. The one thing that kept him really worried now was the fact that nobody knew where Erin was. He knew her. She was used to do stupid things with the wrong people when life got tough. The way she dealt with problems always led her to make bad decisions. Hank went back to his office and dialed her number but as expected it only led him to her mailbox. He left a short message and he then walked out of his office to discuss the latest perceptions with the rest of the unit.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They were about to roll out and Jay was just checking one of his CI files before doing so, when Erin appeared in the bullpen in the afternoon. He slightly shivered when he saw her. It was such a well-known yet strange picture. A picture he didn't think and hope he would ever see again. Her eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses, her hair was a mess and she looked disturbingly similar to the Erin who walked into the bullpen after a drugged-out night almost exactly one year ago. She mumbled a hello to everyone but completely ignored Jay. She didn't even look at him.

″In my office,″ Hank immediately ordered before she was able to sit down at her desk. ″The rest of you, roll out and do what we discussed. Alvin, this case is yours for now.″

″Got it,″ Alvin answered and all the other team members nodded in agreement.

Jay grabbed his jacket and watched Erin sitting down in Hank's office. He would have given everything to hear the words she now told Hank. Maybe she begged for a new partner. Maybe she told her pseudo-father that her boyfriend was a jerk. Or maybe she made one of her dozen excuses why she looked like she was back to old habbits again...

* * *

 **Please let me know what you think about this chapter although I've left you with another cliffhanger! ;) I know some of you asked for more Hank & Erin scenes and I promise, they will come! What else do you wanna read? Of course I already know where I want to take this story, but ideas/requests are always appreciated and I will try my best to write them in. **


	7. One Step At A Time

**Thank you all so much again for the reviews! I decided not to let you wait too long this time, so here comes chapter 7! I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it! :)**

* * *

 **7\. One Step At A Time**

Jay was sitting on his couch, had a beer in his hand and zapped more or less interested through the channels. But there was nothing on TV that fascinated and distracted him. His colleagues had earlier asked him whether he wanted to go to Molly's with them as they slowly started to realize that something was going on. He hasn't been in the mood for going to a bar full of people and had declined. But during the evening he has started to regret his decision. Distraction maybe would've been good. All evening his head has still been full of the miserable looking Erin he saw earlier today. When they had come back to the bullpen in the evening, Erin hadn't been there anymore. He had tried to talk to Hank but his boss hadn't given him the chance to do so as he had kept him occupied for the rest of the day and then had left earlier than the rest of the unit. Jay wasn't sure whether Hank's weird behaviour was a good or a bad sign. But most likely it was the second one.

Just when Jay decided to call it a day and go to bed for having another sleepless night in store, he heard a silent knock on his door. As he checked the time, he figuerd it could only be his brother who needed a place to crash after having too many beers at Molly's to drive home to his place a bit outside of the city. Who else would be in front of his door around midnight? He went to the door and opened it without paying special attention.

″Will, what do you..-″ he started, but immediately stopped when he saw who stood in front of him. Erin. And she even looked more miserable than she had looked this afternoon.

″Erin,″ he mumbled, unable to cope with the situation that she came to his apartment at midnight, still looking like she was back to old habits again.

″Jay,″ she whispered.

″What do you want?″ he asked harshly.

She took a deep breath and tried to look him directly in the eyes.

″Can...can we talk?″ she asked and immediately lowered her head and stared down to her feet.

″I don't know whether we can. But we should...″ he answered with an even harder voice.

″Can I come in?″

He nodded, let her in and guided her to the couch where they both sat down.

″You sober and clean?″ he asked her without hesitation.

″What?″ she asked and twinkled to him in disbelief for a moment before she lowered her head again.

″You heard me,″ he only answered.

″I am.″

″You sure? Because you don't look like it,″ he noticed. He tried to look her in the eyes but she kept her gaze focused on the wodden floor.

″I didn't take any pills and I didn't drink today, if that is what you wanna know. I had some beers the other night but don't tell me you didn't pour everything down with alcohol as well,″ she said and glanced at him for a second. Her eyes were red but she seemed to be there and not on a place far far away. ″But as you obviously don't believe me here, I maybe should better go,″ she added and got up from the couch.

″When you go now it's over Erin. Then we're done,″ Jay said before he was able to think about his own words.

She immediately froze, waited for a moment and came back to the couch. Jay exhaled a deep breath. These words have come out of his mouth faster than he had expected but all in all it was just a sign of how hurt he was.

″So?″ he asked and waited for her to make the dozen excuses she surely had in store.

Erin took another deep breath and Jay could feel how difficult this situation was for her. But it wasn't much easier for him either. He was not sure whether he was prepared for whatever she was going to tell him.

″Jay, I never wanted to hurt you,″ she mumbled. It was hard for him to even understand her as her voice was barely there.

″Well, you did not good with that.″ Erin realized his pissed voice and accepted it. He had every right to be mad at her. To hate her.

″I know. Maybe I should still better go,″ she said and stood up again, ready to leave his apartment as sudden as she had shown up in front of his door.

″Wait! I mean really? You're coming over here by midnight, telling me you want to talk and then that's it?″ His voice started to get really angry.

″Yeah...No...I don't know,″ she answered while she was still on the go. She teetered from one foot to the other, not knowing whether she wanted to go or stay.

″Don't go now. Stay,″ Jay said and out of a sudden his voice was gentle and calm, just as she used to know it. For the first time since their fight she saw how his face softened and his eyes, that were filled with silent pain, begged her for staying, for an explanation. It almost broke her heart seeing him like this. She knew that he thought they were losing it all again. Losing the future he thought they'd have. Losing this precious relationship. Losing their true love.

She had to fight against her tears when she sat down on the couch again. She owed him an explanation, no matter how difficult it was for her to talk about things and feelings she rather kept unspoken.

″Listen...Jay...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping the distance these past few days and for everything that happened and for all the things I said...It's just...″ she paused and was searching for the right words. She has had this conversation like a thousand times in her head before and now she didn't know what to tell him.

″It's just what, Erin?″ he asked her, still anxiously waiting for her to say something that would save their relationship. ″Huh? It's just what? I mean, for days I've been thinking about this and trying to figure out what this is all about. And I just came to one conclusion: you don't really love me, right? It was just another game, wasn't it?″ he asked so quitely that she hardly understood him. She heard the fear in his voice and her heart was about to break again.

She slowly shook her head. ″No. No! Of course not. It's more the opposite.″

All the time Jay had looked down to the ground but now he looked her in the eyes, like he was surprised about what she had said. There where a million questionmarks on his face. Her only wish was to answer all the questions he would never ask now. So she started to reveal what was going on inside of her.

″Listen Jay...the evening you told me I'm your princess and you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, my heart just wanted to jump out of my chest. Like every time you say something like that or you kiss me or touch me.″ She cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder.

″And then you asked me whether we should move in together and all of a sudden I was overstrained. Because I started to realize that this is real. That us is real. That this is the realest relationship I ever had, the one that finally IS a relationship compared to everything else I had before. That this is not just for fun but maybe forever. And it just scared me. Because I've never been so close to someone. I've never let someone be so close to me.″

She made another short pause as she realized she was barely breathing at this point.

″That evening, I also realized that I've never loved someone as much as I love you. Well it was more a process over the last few weeks but on this evening, it finally really hit me. And that even scared me more than the relationship-thing. To be honest, it scared the hell out of me.″ Her voice got low again. Her eyes were filled with tears, but with another deep breath she was able to continue.

″All the people I loved in my life...they got hurt, they were taken away from me or they died. First my dad. He was a jerk in every single way, but as a little kid, you still love your dad no matter what he does. At least I loved him as long as I was too young to really...understand. Later my mom. I know she was an alcoholic and junkie but I tried to do everything to be allowed to stay with her. I loved her...until I was old enough to realize how bad she really was. My brother. I raised him. He was the person I spent the most time with. And when things with my mom got worse he was the only family I had until Hank saved me. And you know what happened to him...I got seperated from him just to find him ten years later after he has gone through hell. Then I had Hank and Camille and Justin and for the first time in my life I felt like being a part of a family. A real family. Like the ones I used to dream about. And then Camille got sick and died. The woman that was more of a mother for me in those years I lived with them than Bunny ever was just died of cancer. And then, when I have thought my life was finally in control, Nadia died. And this was just too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. You know that.″

She stopped again, still fighting back her tears. Jay slowly started to realize how huge this was. Erin sat in front of him, totally fragile and she let him into her world like she surely never had someone else let in before. Not even Hank. It was the first time that she absolutely not tried to be strong. That she showed all of her weaknesses and that she allowed herself to be the vulnerable and fragile girl that she has been deep inside since she was a kid. And that she took him to some of her darkest places. She has never talked about her past and her feelings like this ever before. He had the urgent intention to hug her and tell her a thousand things but he knew that she had to finish her talking first.

″So when you told me you want to spend the rest of your life with me I just wanted to tell you that the same applies for me. But all of a sudden it hit me like a punch in the gut that all the people I loved in my life are somehow no longer a part of my life, except Hank. And then I got so damn scared because I don't want to lose you. Do you understand? I CANT lose you Jay. Not you, too″ she whispered, obviously hardly fighting against her tears and against herself. She took two deep breaths this time before she was able to continue. Her voice chattered.

″I never felt for someone like I do for you ever before and these kind of feelings are new for me and I have to learn how to deal with them first. Normally I keep pushing people away from me when things get to intense for me to handle them. And this is just what I did with you and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to lose you. Ever. And I am scared Jay. Because I need you. And I never want to be without you ever again. But maybe I have to at some point...and all of these thoughts and feelings were just too much. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and...″

At this point she wasn't able to continue anymore and the tears streamed down her face. She didn't even try to hold them back anymore. That was real. That was her realest self, the realest she's ever been. Even Jay's eyes were filled with tears. He leaned towards her, wrapped her arms around her and just held her. She buried her head on his chest, sobbing hardly, and enjoyed how his large hands rubbed her back to calm her down. He cleared his throat before he started talking for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.

″You are never going to lose me. I promise. I will be there for you and I will be with you. Forever. And always.″

″But...you never know what happens...and in our jobs..″ She stopped talking, didn't want to speak that thought out loud.

″Hey listen,″ he said and grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″Nothing will ever happen. Because I know that there is this special person and she always has my back. She would never let anything happen to me and I trust her with my life.″

″I love you,″ she simply replied and kissed him. It was a kiss that meant so much more than all the other kisses they had shared before.

″I love you too,″ he whispered in between another kiss.

″But Jay,″ Erin said after they have finished their kissing. ″I will need my time to feel fully comfortable with...everything. And I hope you understand that.″ Her eyes got a little scared again, but Jay wanted to assure her instantly that there was no reason to be scared.

″Of course I do. You know, I always knew that there were some serious reasons why you can't completely fall for someone. For me. And I always thought it was something like that. But I wanted to hear it from you. I wanted you to talk about it, to tell me about it. This was important for you...and me. For us.″

″You deserved to know,″ she whispered but avoided eye-contact again.

″Hey, Er, it's okay. I think we somehow needed that. This will only make us stronger.″ Jay really believed what he said. This was their turning point or the point where they've never been before. Now it was on him to tell her about his past. She has opened up so much and he owed her his story. But not tonight. Erin's confession was enough to deal with for the moment and they first had to handle that.

″It will,″ Erin agreed and leaned her head on his chest. ″Step by step.″

″What kind of steps are you thinking about? Giant-steps?″ he joked and for the first time in days he really felt like smiling.

″More like baby-steps,″ she laughed before she got serious again. ″Just because I don't want to move in with you now doesn't mean I don't have that in my head for our future. But we have the rest of our lives to do that and I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect and for that I have to...grow first.″

Jay was still amazed how much she had opened up during this past hour and that she was able to admit that this was on her and that it was about her issues.

″One step at a time sounds perfect to me,″ he replied, grabbed her chin and kissed her again. Although he was still a little overstrained with the whole situation he also felt like the happiest man on earth. He had his girl back in his arms and they were closer than ever. They have taken a major step in their relationship although it was just talking in their case. But for two people who didn't exactly like to talk about their problems and their past, this was quite a big deal.

″Thank you,″ Erin whispered. Two little words that meant so much more right now. He kissed her forehead and squeezed her hand.

″Can I ask you something?″

″Sure,″ she nodded but gazed at him slightly insecure.

″Where have you been these past days?″ The moment she now locked eyes with him she knew he had been at her apartment and had found it all empty, most likely fearing his worst nightmares coming true.

″I spent the days at the park. At that spot where we had our picnic. I really meant it when I said that this is my new favorite place. It was so peaceful. Being there helped me to calm down. At least a bit and it was the most perfect place to think about all the things I just told you.″

″We should go there more often,″ he mumbled into her hair and kissed it.

″Yaah, we really should,″ she agreed, a soft smile surrounding her lips.

″And right now we really should go to bed,″ he yawned after checking his clock.

″You know, I really like it here right now,″ she answered and snuggled a little tighter into his arms and onto his chest.

″I promise, I'm going to hold you like this all night,″ he smirked, stood up, picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following morning, Erin woke up before their alarm clock was ringing. She immediately smiled when she felt Jay's arm still wrapped around her waist. He has kept his promise and she had to admit, she has never expected anything else. The thought that she had almost destroyed their precious relationship let her shiver. It wasn't exactly her own intention when she showed up in front of Jay's door last night. Of course she wanted to talk to him but she knew how much she had hurt him and therefore feared his reaction. It was none other than Hank Voight who made her go there. Never in her life she had thought that Hank Voight would one day kick her ass and tell her to fight for the relationship she had with Jay Halstead.

″ _Take the sunglasses off,″ Hank said as he sat down on his desk adverse her. She didn't hesitate and took them off, revealing tear-stained red eyes. She looked at him and felt how a lump built up in her throat just from the way he was looking at her. Disappointed and angry but yet relieved. She assumed he had expected to see from her eyes she was on drugs. But she wasn't._

″ _Wanna tell me what happened?″_

 _She nervously rubbed her palms in her lap and stared down to them. She didn't know what to tell him. And how._

″ _Erin?″ Hank asked again as she stayed silent._

″ _I messed up,″ she finally answered in the most quiet way possible._

″ _Regarding?″_

″ _Everything I guess,″ she shrugged but avoided any kind of eye-contact. She felt her eyes burning and she knew her tears were only seconds away._

″ _Talking in secrets doesn't lead us anywhere here.″_

″ _What do you want me to say?″ she asked him and looked at him while trying to keep her tears from falling at the same time._

″ _The truth kid,″ Hank said. Erin tried to interpret his gaze. He didn't look pissed or angry anymore._

″ _You once said I left a string of broken hearts behind me since I was 15,″ she said and tears slid down her face._

″ _I remember that, yeah.″_

″ _Well, I did it again,″ she mumbled and covered her face in her hands, trying to hide her heavy sobs. Hank didn't answer immediately. He watched her cry and waited until she calmed down and was able to pay attention again._

″ _But this is the first time you broke someone else's heart and thereby broke your very own heart at the same time, am I right?″_

 _Erin let his words sink in and then slowly nodded in response. Of course he was right._

″ _Wanna tell me the full story now?″ he asked._

″ _I don't think you can help me there anyway,″ she answered and shook her head._

″ _Let's try,″ he suggested._

″ _If you'd have the ability to turn back time...well that would help,″ she shrugged and a bitter laughter escaped from her lips._

″ _Turning it back to which day?″_

″ _To the day you partnered me up with Jay, to the day I started to have serious feelings for him, to the day I broke his heart. Choose one.″_

″ _We can't change things that happened in the past Erin. But we can change our future. For the better.″_

″ _I don't think that I can change anything for the better in this case,″ she mumbled and her eyes filled with tears again._

″ _Erin, the fact that you came here and now cry in front of me and especially the fact that you admitted you made a mistake shows me that you are able to change something. Because you know that this is on you. Now you just need to stop fighting against your inner self.″_

 _Erin looked into the eyes of the older man who had raised her and he gave her a warm glance._

″ _Yeah,″ she then just nodded, still not ready to tell more of the story._

″ _When you're ready to talk about it, let me know and I'll give you some advice. But as long as you stay silent, I can't help you kiddo,″ Hank said. ″You wanna have a tea?″_

″ _Coffee please,″ she answered._

″ _Alright, then coffee,″ he confirmed and gave her a little smile._

 _Some minutes later he came back with two steaming cups of coffee in his hands and gave one to Erin._

″ _Thank you,″ Erin said while he sat down on his chair again. She kept her gaze focused on the swirling black drink for some moments as her mind built up sentences to describe all the happenings to Hank._

″ _Jay suggested to move in together,″ she quietly said and still tried to look anywhere else but Hank's face._

″ _After six months? Hell this guy doesn't waste any time,″ Hank sighed._

″ _Seven. And it was a legitimate idea. I mean, we spend almost all of our evenings together at one of our places, so I understand why he suggested it. But...I don't know...I don't think I'm ready for that already. I like to keep my own place where I can go when I need...space...or alone-time. Just knowing it's there gives me security I think.″_

″ _Did you tell this to him like you now told me?″ Hank asked although he already new the answer._

″ _No,″ she whispered and slightly shook her head._

″ _What did you do then?″ he now asked although he also already had more than just a vague idea._

″ _I was overstrained and therefore said nasty things. And then I ran away. I ran away from my feelings. I ran away from him. I ran away from our relationship. And I left him behind with a broken heart. The one man on earth who deserves to get his heart broken and to get hurt least,″ she said and some tears slid down her cheeks again. ″He deserves better than me,″ she then added with a bitter laughter._

″ _I honestly don't think Halstead wants anyone else but you Erin.″_

″ _Maybe now he does,″ she shrugged and sipped on her coffee._

″ _Not even now Erin. This guy loves you. Did from the very first minute if I remember all the glances in his eyes right. So the question is, how do you feel for him?″_

″ _That's the point...″ she answered and lifted her head to look Hank in the eyes and for the first time she didn't lower her head five seconds later again. Hank knew that they were coming close to the point what this was really all about._

″ _Meaning?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows. Erin took a deep breath as it was quite hard for her to talk about her feelings and to admit things she never admitted to someone before. She was too much used to bury her feelings and emotions deep inside of her and dealing with them on herself instead of showing or talking about them openly._

″ _The way I feel for him, God, it scares the hell out of me," she sighed. She didn't know what she expected Hank to answer but she surely never had expected the words that now came from his lips._

″ _It wouldn't be love if it didn't,″ Hank simply answered and a soft, encouraging smile surrounded his lips. Erin looked at him as more tears fell from her eyes. Not only because this whole situation was an emotional rollercoaster for her but also because out of all people in the world, it was Hank Voight, the man who wasn't known to show much of his feelings and emotions either, told her a lesson about love._

 _Hank stood up from his chair and walked over to her. He knew that there maybe still was more to the story and that there were more things going on inside her but for now he didn't need to know more. This was enough and more than he had expected her to tell him._

″ _Come here,″ he said. Erin also got up and as Hank hugged her tightly, she wasn't able to control herself any longer. She started to cry heavily and sobbed onto his shoulder for minutes._

″ _Better?″ he asked when she pulled off._

″ _A little,″ she shrugged and wiped her tears away with her hand. ″What am I going to do now?″_

″ _You'll go home and calm down, maybe take a shower and sleep a little. And then you'll talk with Halstead.″_

″ _He won't let me.″_

″ _He will, believe me.″_

″ _No,″ she said and shook her head._

″ _Erin he deserves to know.″_

″ _He won't listen.″_

″ _Do you really think that or do you just keep telling that to yourself because you're feared to talk to him?″ he asked and of course he also already knew the answer to this question._

″ _The latter,″ she confirmed. ″I hurt him so much, If was him I wouldn't forgive me just like that,″ she said and flipped her fingers._

″ _Maybe he won't forgive you immediately but I know this guy will listen to whatever you tell him Erin,″ Hank assured and tried to give her another encouraging smile._

″ _I don't know,″ she mumbled, shaking her head for the hundreth time this afternoon._

″ _Erin! This guy is crazy about you and loves you at least as much as you love him. So fight for this love, fight for your relationship and talk to him. You got me?″ Erin couldn't believe the things she just has heard. Did Hank really encourage her to fight for her relationship? To fight for a inhouse-relationship he normally so hard fought against?_

″ _Yaah,″ she spluttered and slowly nodded in response._

″ _Good,″ he said and looked satisfied._

″ _Uhm, I think I'll go home now...before they all come back,″ she said and pointed to the empty bullpen._

″ _Sure,″ Hank answered and scanned her as she got up and walked to the door of his office. ″Erin, it doesn't get easier the longer you push it away, you know that, right?″ he asked her before she openend the door._

″ _I know,″ she quietly said, opened the door but then hesitated and turned around again, looking at the older man who was casually sitting in his chair, still scanning her. ″Thank you,″ she said and even forced a small smile before she walked out of the bullpen and left him alone._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin and Jay walked into the bullpen later in the morning it was the first time that they walked in there with holding hands. They already had often held hands when arriving at the precinct but they had always changed to professional mode before going up the stairs to the bullpen. They have decided to take one step at a time and walking into the bullpen with interlocked fingers and showing their colleagues and especially Hank, that nothing could seperate them, that their relationship was stronger than everything and that they still were genuinely in love with each other, seemed to be the perfect step right now...

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 **Reviews are appreciated, as always :)  
**

 **I don't think I'll be able to update this story within the next three weeks as I'm going to travel to the US tomorrow. My first stop will be Chicago, so needless to say that I'm beyond excited! :)**


	8. Hold Me

**Hey guys,**

 **I'm currently sitting at O'Hare and wait for my flight to San Francisco, so I thought I use the time to post a new chapter (as I finally solved the problems with connecting my laptop with the Wifi).**

 **This is the chapter I wrote out of my disappointment about the happenings in "The Song Of Gregory William Yates". I tried to find an explanation why Jay acted the way he did, so I hope you like it. Please tell me what think ;)**

 **Flashbacks are in italic, as always.**

 **I still don't own anything.**

* * *

 **8\. Hold Me**

″Erin, in my office,″ Hank said on a sunny morning in the middle of June. It was an easy going morning, they had closed their case the night before and this morning was all about drinking coffee and joking around. Erin traded a quick view with Jay as she wasn't sure what this was about. They had planned their vacation to Wisconsin for the following week and she hoped that this little upcoming conversation wouldn't be about Hank foiling their plans. She got up from her chair, followed him in his office and closed the door.

″What's up?″ she asked, automatically crossing her arms in defense in front of her chest.

″Olivia just called. She needs our help with a case in New York,″ Hank explained.

Erin sighed. As much as she loved working with Olivia Benson and her team, every time she's been in New York yet, the cases have been personal for her. First her brother, then Nadia and then Yates again. She still shivered by just thinking back to it. So she clearly wasn't exactly eager to go back to New York.

″Uhm, okay, so?″ she asked although she already knew what Hank was going to tell her.

″I want you to go there.″

″Can't someone else go there? Jay and I go on our vacation next week.″

″Yeah next week right? Not this week.″

″Right, but there is plenty to do before and Ruzek for example has never been to New York yet,″ she said, making her point clear that she didn't want to go to New York.

″Ruzek will go there once he is a detective one day. Olivia asked for you and we both think it'll be good for you,″ he said without mentioning what he meant. Erin knew anyway.

″See, I don't think it will. Send Alvin or Antonio.″

″I need them both here.″

″You don't,″ she answered, looking at him like she was challenging him.

″I think it will be good for you to go to New York and work a case there you're not personally involved with. Wouldn't you agree?″ he asked.

Erin didn't know what to say. Maybe he was right. Most likely he was. But something deep inside of her didn't want to go there nonetheless. She shrugged her shoulders and bit her lower lip with her teeth.

″Don't know,″ she then quietly admitted. ″What's the case anyway?″

″You remember Dan Miller?″

″That prick who did slave trade with Mexican girls but we always had to let go because we couldn't proove it properly and then got away somewhere to South America?″

″Mhm,″ Hank nodded in response. ″It looks like he's back in business in New York. But this time he won't get away with it. So you're in?″

″Do I have a choice?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″I can't force you to go there kid. But I still think you should,″ he said and Erin didn't miss how he scanned her.

″Alright,″ she finally sighed.

″Good,″ Hank nodded. ″Take Halstead, pack your bags and take the next possible flight to New York.″

″Wait...Jay's coming with me?″ she asked and felt how she got more relaxed just from the thought that Jay would be with her.

″Yaah. As I have to check something with some of my CI's before I thought you two go there as soon as possible and I join you tomorrow.″

″You could've mentioned that earlier.″

″Yeah, I could have,″ he smirked. ″And now go, so I can call Olivia that you guys are on your way.″

She slightly shook her head but also gave him a little smile before she left his office and went straight to Jay's desk.

″What's up?″ he asked as she sat down on the edge of his desk.

″We're going to New York,″ she casually said, looking in his eyes and waiting for his reaction.

″What?″ he frowned.

″We're going to New York,″ she said again but still didn't look really happy about it.

″Yeah I understood that part. But why?″ he asked.

″I'll tell you in the car. Come on,″ she requested, grabbed his hand and pulled him up from his chair.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After packing a few things in their bags they sat next to each other in an Airbus A319 at the O'Hare International airport three hours later, waiting for take-off. Although Jay was with her, Erin still felt a bit tender. Going back to the city where so many horrible things had happened was anything but easy for her. And Jay knew. Her behaviour these past hours showed him how insecure she was. She has barely said a word since they have left the bullpen and everytime he asked her something or tried to start a conversation, she just shrugged or said nothing at all.

″How do you feel?″ he asked her as she scrolled more or less interested through one of the airline's magazines.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged and tried her best to look like she was actually reading one of the articles.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She closed the magazine and placed it on the small table in front of her. She laid her head on his shoulder and felt how he tightened his embrace.

″So many bad things happened in New York,″ she whispered. ″I mean, in Chicago as well, but New York is different...″

″I know,″ he said and placed a kiss on her hair. ″This time will be different.″

″Who knows,″ she shrugged.

″It will, believe me,″ Jay assured. ″Hey, look at me,″ he softly said. She turned her head and looked up to him. Her eyes were filled with pain and fear and it almost broke Jay's heart seeing her like this again. ″I'm here, okay? Whenever you need me, I'm there for you, you got that?″ he asked and kissed her forehead.

″Yaah. Can you please just hold me Jay?″ she whispered and snuggled deeper in his embrace, as far as this was possible in their tight, uncomfortable seats.

Erin didn't say anything during the duration of their flight. She thought back to the last time she saw Olivia Benson and shivered. These memories where still so close. But Jay holding and being there for her right now gave her security. Things had changed since February. Back then, Jay was not sure whether she would let him comfort her but now she was able to show and tell him when she needed him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _There she stood. At the O'Hare International Airport at around 10pm at night. And she felt alone. So damn alone. She just had brought Olivia Benson to the airport and had said goodbye to the woman she'd always admired and now called a friend. She looked up to the big departures board. Los Angeles, Vancouver, Rio De Janeiro, Tokyo. Any place would be better than Chicago right now. Running away from the pain and all the memories seemed to be the best option. A new city, a new country, a fresh start, a new life. Forgetting everything. As much as she liked the idea of just leaving all of this behind her in the first moment, she quickly realized that she would never be able to forget anything, no matter where she was. She turned around and looked to the various bars and restaurants on the other side of the hall. That would help to forget. She knew. She had experience with it. Going into one of these bars, drinking some cocktails and some shots, letting the alcohol burn down her throat. That would help. She would feel better afterwards. Her mind would stop thinking._

 _She walked towards one of the bars, named ″Take Away″. She saw all of the bottles filled with pure alcohol on the shelf and her body and her mind craved for them. Pouring down her emotions and feelings with this transparent liquid was what she wanted most right now. She hesitated before she reached the door. She knew what was going to happen if she would pass the threshold now. She teetered from one foot to the other but as much as she wanted to go in there, something held her back. If she would go in now, she would disappoint all the important persons in her life again. Hank. Olivia, who had just told her to stay strong. Her team. And Jay. Just thinking about the man she loved gave her goosebumps. His behaviour has been strange today. Distant. But she couldn't blame him. He had reached out to her so many times in the past but she had never let him comfort her. She had always shrugged him off, had told him she was fine. So it was understandable that he came to a point where he didn't try it anymore. Erin sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She gazed to the dozen bottles of vodka, rum, tequila and other stuff again and then slightly shook her head. This wasn't right. All the people in her life who never gave up on her didn't deserve this. Jay didn't deserve to deal with an addicted partner yet again. She turned around and walked away. Away from the bar and away from the alcohol that would take her away to another place._

 _Half an hour later, Erin parked her car in the parking lot in front of her apartment building. She looked out of the window and up to the floor where her apartment was. Gregory Yates had been in there. Gregory Yates had been in there. Gregory Yates had been in there. She inhaled some deep breaths of air and tried to calm herself down, remembering herself that this psycho was finally where he belonged. Dead and all packed up in a body bag in the morgue. Shot by her. So there was no reason to be feared any longer. But it didn't help. Not at all. It was more the opposite. She felt like she was hyperventilating and tears streamed down her face. Tears she had held back all day and the previous days as well. But now it was too much. She immediately regretted the decision not going into this damn bar at the airport. She wiped her tears away with her hand and focused on the dancing snowflakes on the front window of her car. When she had the feeling to be at least a little calmer again, she started the engine of her car and pulled out of the parking lot. The next liquor store wasn't far, the next bar either. She needed some comfort. As soon as possible. And there weren't many places where she could get comfort and there weren't many things that could help her to forget once again..._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Jay sat on his couch and sipped on his beer. Today has been a rough day. The roughest one in months. It was an emotional day for all of them and seeing Erin suffer again had made his heart ache. Whenever he had asked her how she was she had told him she was fine. Just as she always did. Even if she wasn't, she would never admit it. She obviously didn't want him to comfort her. Also, he had told her so many times in the past that he was there for her no matter what but it was always on him to make the first step. She never came to him and showed him that she needed him, so he figured she apparently didn't want him be there for her. That's why he earlier did one thing he never thought he would do: he walked away from her although she had admitted that she didn't know whether she was okay or not. This was the most honest answer he had gotten from her in days but somehow it hadn't made him stay. He had left her alone, let her deal with everything on her own. He knew that she wasn't good in showing emotions and feelings but at the same time it hurt him that she still wasn't able to show him what was going on inside of her. He of course wanted to be there for her but he also wanted her to actually let him be there for her. And that was what this mostly was about._

 _Jay really thought they were past this point since she had told him some weeks ago how much she loved him for always knowing when she needed him most. He thought something had changed and she would be more open now. That was the reason why he was so tired of always getting the same answer again and again when he asked her how she was and despite the fact that he felt like she didn't need him and didn't want him to be around, she didn't listen to the things he said either. Just some short weeks ago he had told her never to go in without back-up again and she had promised she wouldn't and yet she has done it again. Two times. First in New York, then in Chicago. He understood why she had done it but he wasn't sure how much longer he was able to deal with her constantly risking her life and ignoring orders and constantly fearing to lose her. Ironically this was what he felt now anyway. He felt like he had lost her today. Once again. Lost to her grief. To her suffering. To her guilt. Lost her to yet another dark place. Maybe it was even worse and he had lost her to alcohol and pills again. Although she always looked like she was stable and back in a good place again, he knew she was still far away from being recovered._ _He has never pushed her into anything, has always accepted her boundaries and so he had today but mostly likely it was the wrong thing to do on a day like this._

 _Jay sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and took a gulp from his beer. What the hell was he doing here? She needed him. She needed someone to keep her from doing stupid things. She needed someone who would hold her tight, who was there for her and who would keep her from falling apart. And he had just walked away. Like he didn't care anymore when he actually still did so much._

″ _You're such an idiot Jay Halstead,″ he said to himself, placed his beer on the coffee table in front of him and got up. Just walking away from her while she was in a vulnerable space was most likely the most stupid thing he has done in a long time. He knew her and being alone was the last thing she should be right now. He quickly changed his sweat pants to some jeans and grabbed his jacket from the wardrobe. He would find her even if that meant he had to check every damn bar in Chicago._

 _He stepped out into the cold, snowy night and walked straight to his car as he saw the familar car on the other side of the street and hesitated. Could it be possible? He crossed the street and the closer he came, the clearer became the small silhouette of the woman who sat on the driver's seat._

 _When he almost reached the door, she opened the window and looked at him with tired, teary eyes._

″ _What are you up to?″ she asked him and tried to smile. It stayed with a try._

″ _I just wanted to go to Molly's and hoped to find you there,″ he said and couldn't deny how relieved he was that she has shown up in front of his apartment instead of him finding her completely drunk in a bar. Nonetheless he was also surprised. He hadn't expect her to come to his place after all. ″What are you doing here though?″_

 _She lowered her head, focused on the wheel in front of her and shrugged. An awkward moment of silence occured._

″ _Erin?″ Jay asked again._

″ _I...I don't know,″ she mumbled. ″I was looking for comfort, thought about getting some drinks but somehow ended up here.″ This was the truth. She had been in front of a bar and a liquor store but she had stayed in her car and then drove away. She still didn't know how and why she now ended up in front of his apartment building and she also didn't know what she expected from him. Apparently, while her body and mind have craved for alcohol to forget everything, her heart has craved for the one man who was always there for her. And her heart has won this fight over her mind._

″ _You wanna come in with me?″_

″ _Uhm...I don't know. Maybe I should better go,″ she shrugged and still didn't look at him._

″ _Erin, come on already,″ Jay said, opened the door of her car, took her hand in his and pulled her up. ″Let's go in,″ he said with a little, encouraging smile as she now stood in front of him. He squeezed her hand a little tighter and walked with her to the house._

 _Up in his apartment he helped her to take off her parka and yet again it was awkwardly silent._

″ _You wanna drink something?″ Jay asked to interrupt the silence. Erin just shook her head and looked around in his apartment as if she's never been there before._

″ _Eat something?″_

″ _No,″ was all she answered this time before the silence surrounded them again._

″ _Alright,″ Jay said and was about to go to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water when the broken voice of his girlfriend let him freeze._

″ _Just hold me Jay,″ she whispered. He instantly turned around and saw tears running down her cheeks. With two big steps he was close to her side and wrapped his arms around her tiny, shaky body. She buried her face in his chest and started to sob. Her sobs turned into cries and Jay tightened his embrace. He placed soft kisses on her hair and held her even stronger with every minute passing. He didn't say a word, just let her cry the pain away, waited for her to calm down and kept her in his embrace, showing her that he would hold her as long as she needed him to hold her._

″ _How do you feel now?″ he asked her when the sobs faded._

″ _Can you just hold me for a little while longer?″ she mumbled onto his shoulder and then looked up to him. Her tear-stained eyes were still filled with unbearable pain and a huge amount of insecurity._

″ _Of course,″ he promised and softly kissed her forehead. ″Come on.″ He guided her to his bed, laid down and leaned back against the pillows. She snuggled close to him, rested her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest while he again wrapped his arm around her. Jay recognized that she was still shivering so he pulled up the blanket and covered it over her body and part of his feet. Erin closed her eyes, cuddled up to his warm, strong body even closer, inhaled the well-known scent of his shower gel and felt his heart steadily beating under her hand. For the first time in days she felt safe. And secure. For the first time in days she started to feel slightly better. Coming to his apartment was the best decision she has made in a long time. She realized that it was never alcohol or pills that she needed most. It was him. It has always been him. She needed his comfort and she needed him holding her and giving her the feeling that everything was going to be alright. That she wasn't alone in this world and that he was there for her. Always. Even after a day like today where she had crossed the line more than once and had ignored him and fended him off on every possible occasion._

″ _Thank you,″ she somewhen whispered. Jay looked down at her. She still had her eyes closed. During the last minutes he had felt how her body more and more has lost its tautness and has instead started to relax._

″ _What for?″ he asked. She opened her eyes but kept her gaze focused on her hand which still rested on his chest._

″ _This,″ she simply answered. Jay placed another kiss on her hair in response._

″ _Why certainly.″_

″ _No Jay, I don' t take this for granted. I know I'm not good with showing my feelings and emotions...″ she quietly said and searched for more words to express what was going on in her mind. ″Most likely I never will. And I'm sorry for that...″ she sighed and swallowed down the lump that built up in her throat. ″I just want you to know that I need you. More than I will ever be able to admit to myself I think. I don't know what would've happened tonight, what I would've done tonight, if I didn't have you. You saved me.″_

″ _You came to my place, remember? So I'd say you saved yourself.″_

″ _No, you saved me. Because I knew I could come here and you would be there for me unhesitatingly although I hurt you today and did some things you didn't like.″_

″ _I know I might sound like a broken record here, but Erin, I'm always there for you and I will always be,″ he said emphatic._

″ _Trust me, I know that...and as I said, that's why I came...it's just...,″ she spluttered while her thumb softly stroked his muscular chest._

″ _Hard for you to rely on someone else and let someone comfort you,″ Jay finished her sentence._

″ _Yeah,″ she whispered. Jay buried his face in her hair and kissed it again._

″ _Erin I'm sorry for just walking away earlier. I should've been there for you then already,″ he mumbled._

″ _Don't do this Jay. This is not on you.″_

″ _It is. I feel like I let you down when you needed me most and I want you to know that this won't happen again.″_

″ _Jay, I think we both needed our time to find each other this evening. But in the end we have and that's all that matters,″ she said and looked up to him for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. He leaned down a bit and their lips crashed in a soft, almost shy kiss._

 _Silence surrounded them again and for a little while longer they just laid there and enjoyed having each other. Although it was long after midnight already, none of them was able to sleep. Too much had happened and too much was still going on in their minds._

″ _You know, Liv earlier also told me I shall rely on all the amazing people in my life. She told me it would help. She told me this is the best way to recover from a day like this. And she was right. Damn right,″ Erin somewhen said and it sounded like she more said the last words to herself._

″ _She's a great person. And I think she's good for you.″_

″ _She's amazing Jay. She went through so much in her life already and she's still so strong.″_

″ _And so are you. You two have that in common.″_

″ _I'm not. I mean look at me. Laying here and bawling my eyes out like a little child because I can't handle it myself,″ she said with a sarcastic laughter._

″ _Erin,″ Jay sighed. He hated it that she always did these things to herself like talking herself down. ″You are the strongest person I know. Because life knocked you down so many times and every time you were able to rise again. To fight again. To live again. Every time you came out stronger than you've been before. Being strong doesn't mean you're not allowed to cry Erin.″ He could hear how she inhaled deeply and a quiet sob escaped from her mouth again. ″For some idiots, showing emotions might be a sign of weakness but it's much more another kind of strength.″_

″ _So you basically just called me an idiot, right? Now that's charming,″ she said, throwing a little laughter into the mix of sobs._

″ _Guess I did. But the good thing is, you can work on that,″ he grinned._

″ _I can work on that,″ she repeated and took another deep breath of air._

″ _And let me add one last thing: being strong also doesn't mean you have to handle everything on your own. Because the strongest people are those who are able to ask others for help or comfort as they know it's easier in pairs than alone. And so they can grow stronger together.″ He laid his hand on top of hers and squeezed it softly._

″ _They can,″ Erin quietly said and Jay knew she was intensely thinking about his words. Crying had helped her. And although she still didn't feel comfortable with being the vulnerable girl she knew for sure that he was right and their relationship has grown stronger this evening._

 _Jay's loud yawning broke the silence some minutes later. ″We should sleep,″ he suggested as he checked the clock._

″ _I don't think I can sleep tonight.″_

″ _How about giving it a try? You're tired and so am I. And don't scare the nightmares, because you know...I am around,″ he said with yet another encouraging little smile._

 _In this moment, Erin was sure he was able to read her mind. But at the same time, the fact that he knew she was afraid of having nightmares where Yates would haunt her, without her saying something about it, made her heart warm and let her feel even more secure._

″ _Alright,″ she sighed. ″But I'd like to take a quick shower first. I feel kinda...dirty.″_

″ _Yeah sure,″ he said, kissed her forehead and released her from his embrace._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Jay still laid on the bed in the exact same position, patiently waiting for her, when she came back to the bedroom twenty minutes later, a towel loosely wrapped around her body. He got up, walked over to his closet and wanted to give her one of her pajamas she always had at his place._

″ _Here you go,″ he said._

″ _Uhm...would you mind if I take your shirt?″ she asked and looked down to her bare feet._

″ _I don't,″ he answered, put her pajama back in the closet and grabbed instead one of his shirts._

″ _Better?″ he asked as he handed her the shirt._

″ _I meant the shirt you're wearing...″ she whispered and looked up to him with insecure eyes. Jay didn't even hesitate for one second, stripped his shirt and gave it to her. She let the towel fall down to the floor and put on his shirt. The fabric was still warm from his body and it didn't smell of laundry detergent but him and these where the two reasons why she has wanted it._

″ _Better now?″ he asked her again while scanning her with a little grin on his face. The shirt was long enough to cover her hips and hung loosely around her shoulders, breasts and her tiny waist._

″ _Perfect,″ she said, came two steps closer and wrapped her arms around his bare waist._

″ _I don't have to wear one of your pajamas in return now, do I?″ he asked into her hair as he also wrapped his arms around her._

″ _Well, that would be a nice picture,″ she chuckled and for the first time in days her smile was real._

″ _Yeah, I'm sure it would be,″ Jay laughed. ″Come on,″ he then said and pulled her to the bed. They both slipped under the covers and Jay wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. They fell asleep immediately but just as expected, Erin had nightmares all night. Every time she got unsettled, Jay woke her up, told her that everything was okay and that he was there. This plus Jay holding her tightly all night helped her to overcome her nightmares somewhen and as the sun already started to rise outside, they both fell into a deep, steady sleep..._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, we're ready for landing,″ the voice of one of the air hostesses chattered through the loudspeaker. Erin startled from her memories and looked out of the window and saw the well-known skyline of Manhatten occuring in the distance.

″Here we are,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her temple. ″Did you have a good sleep?″

″I didn't really sleep. I was just...thinking,″ she answered, still looking out of the window, focusing on the ground that came closer and the houses that became bigger. ″You are right. This time will be different,″ she added, turned her head around and crashed his lips with a soft, thankful kiss.

When they walked out of the La Guardia airport towards the taxi stand half an hour later, the sun was shining and the sky was blue. During the drive first to their hotel and then to the precinct Erin realized this was the first time that they were in New York in summer. She used to know New York in winter. Foggy. Rainy. Gray. Dismal. Cold. Blooming, colourful flowers, trees with bright green leafs and the sun reflecting on the glassy fronts of the skyscrapers made her feel like she was in a complete different city than the times before.

After getting out of the taxi at the precinct later, Jay immediately grabbed Erin's hand and interlocked his fingers with hers. Erin smiled and her eyes slightly sparkled when she looked into his. Jay smiled back in response, twinkled and squeezed her hand a little tighter. As they now walked up the stairs to the SVU department, Erin knew for sure that this time would be different. Because it already was...

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 **Reviews are appreciated, as always! :)**


	9. Show Me That Life Is Wonderful

**Hey there,**

 **I'm back home in Germany and have finally time to post a new chapter. This is quite a long one, so I hope you'll enjoy it. And thanks again for the reviews on my last chapter!**

 **On another note: do I need to say anything about last episode's last minute? I don't know how many times I watched this scene already.**

 **I still wait for the day when they sit down in one of their apartments (and not always Molly's) and talk about their future and their relationship (and say I love you...) but after such a long time of nearly getting nothing I'm fully satisfied with Skinstead for now. But at the same time I can't help but think that they only did this scene because Erin will find out she's pregnant before the season ends. I'm really just speculating here and I think it would be anything but creative to do this since they did it with Gabby at the end of season 3 on Fire last year...but somehow...I don't know...it would be typical for the writers to do this storyline towards the season finale.** **Guess we have to wait and see...some weeks (this hiatus all the time is another thing I'm not okay with) :D**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **9\. Show Me That Life Is Wonderful**

They were introduced with the case and worked on it together with the rest of the SVU team for the rest of the day. When Erin made herself a cup of coffee in the early hours of the evening, Olivia joined her.

″You want one, too?″ Erin asked her, already handing her the cup she just had filled with coffee.

″Oh no, thank you. I already had too much of this stuff today,″ she sighed, rubbing her temples.

″This is a tough one. Didn't expect it to be that tough to be honest.″

″It's crazy. I really appreciate that you guys are here to help.″

″No problem,″ Erin answered and sipped on her coffee.

″Really?″ Liv asked, raising her eyebrows.

″Yaah. I thought it would be more difficult, I really did. But it's different this time and for now I feel good,″ she explained and took a gulp from her coffee.

″Glad to hear that Erin,″ Liv answered and gave the younger woman a smile. ″Do you and Halstead have any plans for tonight? I thought we could might have dinner together somewhere.″

″Jay just told me some minutes ago that he wants to visit someone he hasn't seen in a while. An old friend or something. So what about a girls night today and having dinner tomorrow when Hank is here?″

″Perfect,″ Liv smiled and the two of them went back to their desks.

They worked on leads for another hour, put some more pieces from the old case and the new one together, before Liv called it a day for all of them.

″Erin,″ Liv came running when they were at the parking lot outside of the precinct as Fin had offered them to drive them to their hotel. They all stopped and turned around.

″What's up?″ she asked.

″Change of plans for tonight,″ she sighed as she reached the group. ″Noah's nanny just called me. She doesn't feel well and wants to go home. So the only thing I can offer you now is having some cocktails and snacks at my place.″

″I'm absolutely okay with that,″ Erin winked. ″Just text me your adress and I'll be there.″

″Awesome. See you later then.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin and Jay just wanted to take a short shower back at the hotel and then get ready for their 'dates'. But when Jay joined Erin in the shower, wrapped her arms around her naked body from behind and started to place longing kisses on her neck and her bladebone, they both knew that their shower would be anything but short...

″So, who is that stranger you're going to meet tonight?″ Erin asked after their shower when they were back in the bedroom and she put on her panties and her bra. He didn't say anything, just also slipped into his boxers.

″Jay?″ she asked again, dugging for a pair of socks and one specific shirt in the depths of her bag. She was quite curious as he hasn't given her any more details yet.

″Don't be so snoopy,″ he laughed and grabbed his jeans from the floor.

″I'm not...snoopy,″ she grinned innocently while she emptied the content of her bag on the bed. ″Damn it I forgot my socks!″ Jay couldn't help but laugh and shook his head when he saw the mess on their bed.

″Don't laugh at me.″

″I don't laugh at you. I laugh about you and your mess because this is typically you,″ he smirked.

″Charming.″

″I know I am, thank you,″ he winked and walked closer to her. ″But you know, I love my chaos-queen for being the messy person she is,″ he whispered and pressed his lips against hers.

″I'm not a messy person,″ she insisted. ″I was just in such a hurry to pack everything that I forgot them,″ she defended herself.

″So was I and I didn't forget anything nevertheless,″ he answered with still a teasing smile on his face.

″Lucky you,″ she said. ″Can I have a pair of yours?″

″Only when you promise me one thing,″ he grinned. She raised her eyebrows and playfully bit her lip with her teeth. ″What is it?″

″Write a list before you pack your things for Wisconsin next week. Just to be sure, you know.″ In response, Erin punched her fist onto his shoulder.

″What?″ he asked. ″Otherwise you're going to forget your underwear next time and I don't think I could help you with that,″ he laughed, took the four steps to his bag which was placed next to the closet, grabbed a pair of socks and threw it to her.

″You don't take bras with you? That's a disappointment,″ she chuckled, sat down on the edge of the bed and put on his socks.

″Looks like you'd have to walk around without underwear then,″ he murmured with a sneaky grin on his face.

″I'm going to write that list,″ she answered and tried her best to say it as serious as possible but she had to smirk anyway. She simply loved it when they were doing things like this. Teasing each other. Joking around. Being silly. And making each other laugh.

″Are you? You know, I wouldn't have a problem if you'd forget it,″ he said, came closer to her, softly pushed her back to the matress and leaned over her, his face only centimeters away from hers.

″I'm not surprised,″ she laughed before their lips met for an intense kiss. ″You're really good in avoiding things Jay Halstead, you know that, right?″ she said afterwards.

″What?″ he frowned.

″I asked you about that stranger and you start to do this. So, who are you going to meet tonight?″

″How to ruin a romantic, passionate moment,″ he sighed with a laughter escaping from his lips.

″You can't complain we haven't had any of that today already. Recently. Twenty minutes ago to be exact,″ she teased.

″You can never have enough of that,″ he whispered, kissed her again and got up. She did the same and put on her jeans and the shirt she had searched earlier.

″So?″ she asked him again while he also slipped into his shirt.

″I'm going to meet my uncle and my aunt,″ he finally admitted and looked at her, waiting for her reaction.

″I didn't know you have family here in New York,″ she said and also looked at him.

″It's my mom's brother Michael and his wife Susan. Will used to live with them when he studied here. I haven't seen them in a long time because things haven't been the easiest in the past. But as I'm here now I decided to call them and they invited me for dinner. I didn't ask you to come with me because I don't know how things will work out and I figured it's better if I'd go there alone. As I said, I haven't talked to them in a long time and I thought they'd maybe feel...uncomfortable if I'd bring you with me,″ he apologized. The last thing he wanted was that Erin thought he didn't want her to be around his family. He really wanted to introduce his girlfriend to his uncle and aunt but considering the fact that they haven't had any contact in years, it was just not the right time.

″Hey Jay,″ she said and touched his arm. ″It's okay. I understand.″

″Yeah?″ he asked her but her eyes already told him that she really did.

″Of course. You go and visit them and whatever it is, you'll try to work it out and then maybe I can also meet them while we're still here,″ she suggested and gave him an encouraging smile.

″Sounds good,″ he smiled back in response. He felt how the tautness, that has been there since she had asked him where he was going, fell from his body. He didn't even know where it had come from. Maybe because he had expected her to be mad. Disappointed. Hurt. Because he had feared she would maybe not understand his reasons why he didn't ask her to join him. But as he now thought about it: how could he ever have thought that she would not understand? If there was one person on earth who knew how hard it was to live in a damaged and complicated family and how hard it was to fix broken things, it was Erin Lindsay.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey there,″ Erin smiled when Liv opened the door of her apartment with having Noah carried on her hip.

″Hey Erin, come on in. Noah, say hi to Erin,″ she told her son.

″Hi,″ Noah said but then immediately hid his face on his mother's shoulder.

″Are you a bit shy?″ Erin asked the toddler. He turned his head to her and stared at her.

″No,″ he then said and giggled.

″He really isn't,″ Liv laughed and let him down to the floor. ″He just pretends to be so in the first second when he meets a stranger,″ she said and softly stroked Noah's hair.

″Noah what about you go to your room and play with your toys before bedtime?″ she asked him as she knelt down in front of him.

″Okay,″ he nodded and laughingly ran to his room.

″He's a cutie,″ Erin grinned as she watched the two-year-old sitting down on the floor in his room in between dozen of toys.

″Don't let this sweet face fool you. He's a sly old dog,″ Liv laughed. ″Is red wine okay with you?″ she asked and went to the kitchen.

″Sure,″ Erin answered and sat down on the couch.

″I hope you like pizza, because I already ordered,″ Liv said as she joined her on the couch and handed Erin one of the wine glasses.

″Who doesn't like pizza?″ she laughed.

″I don't know but I bet there are people,″ she shrugged and raised her glass. ″So, to friends,″ she said and clinked her glass with Erin's.

″To friends,″ she also said and took a gulp from her wine.

″Erin, I know you maybe don't want to talk abou it, but how have things been going since February?″ Liv asked the younger woman and placed her glass on the coffee table.

″Good,″ she answered, sipped on her wine again and then also put the glass on the table.

″Yeah? I always thought you'd call...″ she said and made Erin feel a bit uncomfortable.

″Uhm...you know...I wanted...but it's hard for me to lean on other people. It really is.″

″But it makes things easier.″

″Yeah it does,″ Erin answered pensively. ″I learned that throughout the past months. I have a great bunch of people around me in Chicago and I can't tell in words how thankful I am that they're always there for me. They are my family.″

″I'm glad you have them but I'll tell you again: you can always lean on me too if you need me,″ Liv said and gave her a little smile.

″Thank you. Really. I appreciate you're reaching out. It's just...I think I'm still in the middle of the process of learning to accept the help that others offer me.″

″Take the time you need, Erin,″ she winked. ″But...don't get me wrong here...I'd just really like to know how you dealt with everything. You know, what you went through, that can screw a person up for a long time.″

″As I said, I had my team and they were always there. Most of all Hank and Jay,″ she shrugged and decided to open up to Liv a little more. ″My birthday was a struggle. I didn't want to celebrate it as it wasn't a day that should be celebrated for me. And I didn't feel like celebrating and laughing and partying. I felt like crying, mourning and hiding already the days that led to my birthday. And when I woke up on the morning of my birthday and just wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of the day, Jay just simply held me and told me Nadia would want me to be happy. I tried to believe him but I couldn't. He somewhen got up and brought me breakfast and when he opened the curtains I saw that unreal sunrise outside. You know, I think I can count on two hands how many times there've been blue skies and sun on my birthday. I imagined Nadia watching from above and sending me the sun because she wanted me to be happy. This was her gift, her way of being there although she wasn't. And now I look like an idiot because I can't keep myself together,″ she said as she felt some tears falling from her eyes.

″Not at all,″ Liv answered and shook her head.

″I do,″ Erin answered back and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″Did you celebrate your birthday in the end?″

″Yeah, sort of. The day turned out to be better...and easier than expected. When I walked into the bullpen that morning all the others were already there and waited for me and then Antonio said: 'We all know you don't want to celebrate your birthday but we do. We want to celebrate the day you were born because we love you and we're happy that you're here and that you light up our lives every day.' I never wanted to cry in front of them but that morning it happened. I was an emotional wreck already but these words...that was too much. I mean, I can still remember them now because this was about the sweetest thing they ever said. So they all hugged me, we ate cake and in the afternoon we went outside and remembered Nadia in front of the district, laid down some flowers and lightened a candle. The sun was shining bright and I knew she was with us. In the evening we all went to Molly's and first drank her favorite cocktail and then mine. And yeah, I was able to celebrate my birthday with them. They all helped me,″ she ended her story and smiled.

″You didn't understate when you said they are your family,″ Liv smiled back in response.

″I really meant it. They are the most important persons in my life. And I don't know where I'd be without them,″ she quietly said and in the same moment someone was ringing on the door.

″That was about time,″ Liv sighed and got up. ″Noah, pizza's here,″ she called while she walked towards the door. Some seconds later, the little boy came running into the living room.

″Hi,″ he said as he stood in front of Erin and giggled.

″Hey,″ Erin smiled back. ″You wanna join me on the couch?″

Noah nodded in response. Erin helped him to get on the couch and he sat down next to her. Liv came back, placed the big pizza box on the table and laughed when she saw Noah sitting on the couch, eagerly waiting.

″Pizza is the magic word, right sweetie?″

″Piiiiiiiiizza,″ he smiled and reached his hands out for the box.

″Just a second Noah, we need your bib and tons of napkins first,″ she laughed and walked back to the kitchen. In the meantime, Noah crawled into Erin's lap and giggled when he stared into Erin's surprised eyes.

″What are you up to, buddy?″ she asked him and placed her hand on his small back.

″Sit here.″

″You wanna sit here? Alright,″ Erin smiled as Liv came back with the napkins.

″Well that's new,″ she laughed when she saw her son comfortably sitting in Erin's lap.

″What's new?″

″When I said he isn't shy I meant he's okay with strangers being around really fast. But this is a new kind of warming up to someone he doesn't know. Guess you have a new friend Erin,″ she grinned and sat down. ″Come on Noah,″ she said and reached out her arms for her son.

″No no no no,″ he answered and shook his head.

″It's okay, he can stay here,″ Erin said and grabbed some of the napkins and covered Noah's pajamas with them. Liv cut off a really small piece of pizza for her son and handed it to him. It didn't take long and he looked like he fell into a pot of tomato sauce.

″Now I know why you needed tons of napkins,″ Erin laughed after they'd all finished eating.

″I can't wait for the day when he's able to eat like a normal human being, not like a little piglet,″ Liv sighed with a laugh. ″Come on little man, we're going to wash this off before you touch anything with your hands,″ she then said and picked Noah up from Erin's lap. ″You can already say night night Erin because someone needs to sleep sooooo urgently,″ she told him and softly tickled him.

″Night night,″ he smiled and waved with his little hands.

″Night night Noah, have a good sleep,″ Erin smiled back and watched the two of them leaving for the bathroom.

Liv joined her again around twenty minutes later.

″Sorry for letting you wait. He insisted to hear his bedtime story.″

″No problem, I helped myself out meanwhile,″ Erin winked and pointed to her wine glass that was full again.

″Good choice,″ she said, grabbed her own glass from the table and took a gulp. ″As we couldn't finish our conversation earlier I have one last question if you don't mind. How do you feel about being back in New York?″

″I wasn't exactly excited when Hank told me. To be honest, I really didn't want to come. But it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I think in the end he was right when he said it would be good for me.″

″I was also pretty sure that it would be good for you to come here and work on a non-personal case. That's why I asked for you.″

″It's not only that personal thing,″ Erin shrugged and tried to find the right words to explain her feelings. ″The season is different. It's the first time I'm here in summer and I realized that your city can be really beautiful. You know, on the plane Jay told me this time was going to be different and I didn't believe him. But then, we were here and for the first time I saw the beauty of this city and I knew he was right. Not only because the season is different but because...of him,″ she said a smitten smile surrounded her lips as she thought about Jay. Of course Liv didn't miss that.

″So you and Halstead, huh?″ she smirked, finally having the right moment to ask her about her partner in two ways.

″Yeah,″ Erin grinned from ear to ear and felt how her cheeks blushed.

″Knew it from the very first second I saw the two of you together.″

″Did you? We weren't together back then,″ Erin replied being all surprised. No wonder that Hank had somewhen found out about their secret relationship when even Olivia Benson, who was a stranger back then, had seen something when they weren't even together.

″Yeah, the way he looked at you, he cared about you and wanted to protect you from all the pain that case brought. The way you two interacted with each other. Even Rollins and Amaro asked me afterwards whether I know if there's something going on between the two of you,″ she laughed and took another gulp from her wine.

″Yeah...things have always been special between us, can't deny that,″ Erin also laughed and sipped on her wine. In the same second Liv's ringing phone interrupted their conversation.

″Excuse me,″ she said, got up and left the room for a moment. When she came back, she looked kind of worried.

″What's up?″ Erin asked.

″This was one of my CIs who needs to meet me asap. It's about the case, so it's important,″ she said and sighed. ″I know this is a big request but do you think you could stay here for a little while and keep an eye on Noah. I don't think he'll wake up and I'll make it as short as possible.″

″No problem,″ Erin answered without hesitation.

″Thank you,″ Liv said, grabbed her jacket from the wardrobe and left her apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

While Erin waited for Liv to return, she spent the time with watching TV. Somewhen she heard some quiet cries coming from Noah's room and then he yelled: ″Mommyyyyyy.″

″Oh no,″ Erin said to herself, turned the TV off and went to Noah's room.

″Mommyyyyy,″ he still cried when she came into his room and he looked at her with big, confused eyes for a second and then continued crying.

″Hey Noah, your mommy will be back soon. Do you hear me?″ she asked him and softly rubbed his stomach and his chest to calm him down. It didn't help, the cries only got louder.

″Hey Buddy, come here,″ she said and picked him up into her arms. He hid his head on her shoulder and kept on whining. Erin covered a blanket around him and walked with him to the living room while gently rubbing circles onto his back. She sat down on the couch with him and kept on doing that until he slowly calmed down.

″Did you have a nightmare, huh?″ she asked him. ″I know they can be mean. But you don't have to be scared because I'm here and I'll protect you from all the monsters, okay? Just try to sleep again.″

It took some time until his sobs faded but somewhen Erin recognized that he had fallen asleep on her chest. As she didn't want to wake him up again immediately, she stayed in the exact same position for a while. Her own eyes got heavy in the dimmed light of the living room and Noah's warm body snoozing on her chest combined with his steady breathing made her even more tired, so after a while she also wasn't able to keep her eyes open anymore.

The next thing she realized was how someone touched her arm and whispered her name.

″Erin, wake up.″ Her eyes fluttered open and she suppressed a loud yawning. ″Did you have good sleep?″ Liv asked her and grinned.

″Looks like,″ she answered and rubbed her eyes with her hand.

″What was this little monster up to?″ she asked and pointed to Noah who still slept comfortably on Erin's chest.

″I think he had a nightmare or something. And then I brought him here and waited for him to calm down and we both fell asleep.″

″This was a really cute sight when I walked in here,″ Liv smiled. ″Would you mind carry him to his room?″

″Not at all,″ Erin smiled back, tried to get up from the couch as careful as possible and put Noah to bed in his room.

″Thanks again,″ Liv said as she closed the door of Noah's nursery.

″No problem. Did your CI tell you something helpful?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded. ″I think we can now take some major steps tomorrow.″

″Great, I can't wait to get that piece of shit finally off the streets,″ Erin sighed and checked her clock only to notice it was already around 11. ″Wow, I didn't know I slept that long,″ she laughed.

″Yaah, it also took me longer than expected. We'll have a better girls night next time, I promise,″ Liv winked and the two women sat back down on the couch and finished drinking their wine and talked about the case while waiting for Erin's taxi to arrive.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was around midnight when Erin finally came back to the hotel. She'd expected to find Jay asleep already but when she entered the room, the TV was flickering. He turned his gaze from the screen and smiled at her.

″Hey gorgeous.″

″Why are you still awake?″

″Wanted to wait for you,″ he said while Erin took off her jeans and t-shirt and slipped into some shorts and her sleeping shirt instead. ″Come here,″ he ordered and obviously wanted her to lay down right next to him.

″Give me a minute,″ she winked and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

″Did you have a good sleep at Liv's place?″ he asked her casually when she came back to the bedroom some minutes later and when she looked at him being all confused he started to chuckle.

″What?″ she asked and laid down next to him, instantly snuggeling onto his side, resting her head on his chest.

″Liv sent me a reaaaaally cute photo,″ he smirked.

″She did what?″ Erin asked and raised not only her eyebrows but also her voice. Jay grabbed his phone and showed her the photo where she was sitting on the couch with Noah resting on her chest and the both of them were peacefully sleeping.

″Look at that,″ Jay chuckled. ″Isn't that the sweetest thing ever?″ He couldn't hide the bright smile on his face because ever since Liv has sent him this photo about an hour ago all he thought about was that one day he'd maybe have a photo like this of Erin and their child. Actually he wished to have a photo like this one day and only imagining to maybe have his own little family with her somewhen made his heart beat a little faster.

″Oh cheeez, looks like I was pretty much out,″ she laughed when she saw the photo.

″Yeah, but still looking so cute,″ he grinned and placed a kiss on her hair.

″How did things with your family go, Jay?″ she changed the topic and hoped not to ruin the night with it.

″Good,″ he mumbled into her hair.

″Yaah?″ she asked and looked up to him.

″Yeah, we talked. A lot. And it was good. It felt good. It was easier than I thought it would be. Sometimes time heals all wounds I think,″ he said pensively. ″We also talked about you and they really want to meet you. Unfortunately they are going on vacation tomorrow but they promised to come to Chicago soon to visit us and Will of course,″ he smiled and Erin could tell from his eyes how happy he was that things have gone well.

″Glad to hear that babe. I'm really looking forward to meet them one day,″ she said and kissed him, not knowing that she would meet members of his family and learn something about his family sooner than she thought.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Hank arrived in New York on the following morning and also brought some new information from his CIs from Chicago. Until the evening they had almost finished the case. But just almost. One important piece was still missing but everyone was sure it was only a matter of time now until they'd walk Dan Miller into a cell.

In the evening, Olivia invited the three of them for dinner to her apartment. It was a fun evening with lots of laughters as Noah was in the middle of attention.

″Guess you're losing your girlfriend to a younger guy, Jay″ Liv laughed when Noah demanded to sit in Erin's lap for eating his dessert.

″So buddy, real men talk here,″ Jay said to Noah and the little boy gave him a skeptical glance. ″You can look at her as much as you want, but if you touch her, we're going to have a problem, alright?″ he laughed.

″No no no no,″ Noah giggled and made them all laugh even harder.

″I'm not sure whether that's the answer he wanted to hear Noah,″ Erin told him.

″Here,″ Noah said in response and gave Erin his spoon with ice cream.

″Thank you,″ she smiled and took the spoon. ″Sorry to break it to you Jay but this point goes to him. I mean, he shares his food with me. So watch and learn,″ she smirked at her boyfriend.

″I also do,″ he objected and twinkled to her.

″No. You only give me the things you don't like. That's not sharing. That's using your girlfriend as garbage can,″ she answered as dry as possible.

″Says the girl who does the same and doesn't share the delicious things with me either,″ Jay laughed and gave Erin a smitten glance.

″You pway with me?″ Noah asked Erin after they had all finished their ice cream.

″Noah, Erin's not here to play with you,″ Liv reminded her son.

″It's okay. Show me your toys Noah.″

″Yeeeees, come,″ he said, grabbed her hand and pulled her to his room while Liv and Hank started to do the dishes.

″You guys need another hand?″ Jay asked.

″No thank you, we can do that. You can join these two if you want,″ Li said and pointed to Noah's nursery.

″Okay,″ Jay shrugged and left the two of them alone. He had the slightest feeling that this was what they wanted anyway: being alone.

″You didn't say much this evening,″ Liv quietly said to Hank as he handed her the dishes and she put them into the dishwasher.

″Sometimes I just like to listen...and to watch other people interacting,″ he shrugged and gave her a smile.

″Yeah, that's quite interesting sometimes. You've seen what I saw?″

″Don't know, what did you see?″ he asked.

″Erin being that happy. The way I got to know her...I didn't expect to see her like this one day.″

″Life tried to break her several times and she was on the edge just as often but she fought back every time. She still has her bad days. But most of the time she's doing good.″

″I asked her some questions yesterday evening. How she feels about being back here and how she dealt with everything. She was surprisingly open, told me about her birthday and other things. I didn't expect her to tell me so much to be honest.″

″She's also making progress with that. Letting people in. Letting people comfort her. Accepting help. And yes, she's happy. Happier than she's ever been,″ Hank admitted.

″He's the reason, right?″ Liv said and pointed to Jay. Hank didn't say anything, just watched how the three of them played together on the floor in Noah's room. ″I mean, there are many reasons and she told me that all of you guys are her family and that you're always there for her. But he's the main reason, right? He makes her happy.″

Hank glanced to the nursery for some more seconds and saw and heard them laughing. ″He does indeed,″ he then said, turned around to Liv again and helped her to finish the dishes. ″After everything Erin went through in her life already she needed and still needs someone who shows her that life can be wonderful...and it seems like Halstead's pretty good at it.″

″You know her for a really long time already, don't you?″ Liv asked.

″She's like my daughter. She's my family,″ he said and as he saw the surprised and confused look on Liv's face he added with a smile: ″It's a long story.″

″Bet it is.″

″How about having a drink somewhere?″ he suggested while giving her the last plate.

″I'd love to, but I can't. I have Noah,″ she sighed.

″He seems pretty occupied to me,″ Hank smirked and started to murmur his plan in Liv's ear.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey Erin, you got a second?″ Liv asked while leaning on the door frame of the nursery.

″Sure,″ Erin answered and got up from the floor.

″I'm really sorry but...uhm...something came up again. The CI from yesterday just called, so I'll put Noah to bed now and then me and Hank will meet him. Is it too impudent to ask you and Jay to stay here in the meantime?″

″Absolutely not. I mean it doesn't really matter whether we're watching TV here or at the hotel,″ Erin winked.

″You're an angel, thank you,″Liv smiled.

She put Noah to bed and thankfully he was really tired already so it didn't take long until he was asleep.

″See you later guys. And thanks again,″ Liv said as her and Hank left the apartment. Erin watched them walking down the hall and then closed the door behind her and turned around to Jay who was just filling two glasses with wine.

″100 bucks that they aren't meeting her CI,″ she casually said as Jay handed her one of the glasses.

″What, why do you think that?″ Jay frowned.

″Because this seriously was the worst excuse ever two people could use to go on a date,″ she laughed, went over to the couch and sat down.

″Olivia and Voight on a date? No way,″ he shook his head and joined her.

″Oh, of course. Have you never seen how Hank looks at her? How he treats her and tries to please her?″ Erin grinned.

″No. I think you are seeing things no one else does. There's no way...simply no,″ he said and tried not to think about Hank and Olivia being romantically involved with each other.

″As I said, 100 bucks, are you in?″

″Even if they are on a date right now, they would never tell you, so we're never going to find out who was right.″

″I will find out, trust me. Come on Jay,″ she said and a playfull smirk surrounded her lips as she sipped on her wine.

″I don't have 100 bucks.″

″So that means the thought of them being on a date isn't out of this world suddenly?″

″What? No. I didn't say that.″

″You said you don't have 100 bucks. But if you're sure they meet this mysterious CI then you don't need to have 100 bucks because you would win,″ she chuckled and looked at him with a winning smile on her face.

″Maybe you're right,″ he finally admitted and let her smile grow with it.

″What? I couldn't hear you. What did you just say?″ she joked.

″When we did the dishes earlier I also had the feeling that they want to be alone. So, maybe it's not that much out of this world that they are...on a date.″

″Ha! See, I told you so.″

″It's just really hard to imagine. You know, these pictures in my head,″ he said and took a big sip from his wine.

″Who told you shall picture this in your head?″ she laughed. ″But thank you, now I have them in my head too,″ she said and also took a long sip to pour them down.

″Hey, I'm not the one who started with this whole thing,″ he chuckled, placed his glass on the table and leaned in to kiss her lips for the first time this evening as there was no way they would've kissed in front of Liv and Hank earlier.

″Wish we already were in our hotel now,″ he mumbled into her ear after the kiss.

″Keep it in your pants, Jay″ she teased him and giggled. At one point Jay had of course told her the full story of his' and Hank's conversation about Erin being off limits but unfortunately she now used it against him whenever she could. Much to her enjoyment and his disfavor.

″Not funny,″ he said, rolled his eyes and grabbed his glass again.

″We could play Scrabble,″ she suggested casually and as she did so, Jay almost choked on his wine and looked at her with wide eyes as if she was out of her mind. She had expected him to react exactly like that and started to laugh.

″I meant the game. You know, the one with the bricks and the letters where you have to build words and get points for them. You understand what I'm talking about? I saw it in the cupboard the other day, so I thought we could play,″ she said and still had to laugh hard. ″What were you thinking about though?″ she teased him as it was more than obvious anyway.

″Nothing, absolutely nothing.″

″Good, because for a second I thought-″

″Shut up,″ he said and placed a kiss on her lips before she was able to end her sentence. They fetched the game out of the cupboard, went over to the dining table and started to play that different kind of scrabble.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They finished their case in the early afternoon of the following day. After finally finding the missing piece it all went down faster than expected. In the evening, the SVU team wanted to celebrate this success with Erin, Jay and Hank at a bar in downtown and the three of them would take a flight back home on the next morning as the next day was a Saturday anyway. As they still had lots of time left until the evening, Erin and Jay had decided to go back to the hotel and relax a bit.

″You know, we should make an advantage of the fact that we're still here,″ Jay said shortly after they'd both laid down on the bed next to each other. He softly tickled up and down her arm with his fingers and she has become surprisingly silent during the past minutes. Even now she didn't answer.

″Erin?″ Jay asked but was too lazy to lift his head up.

″Huh?″ she mumbled. Now Jay turned his head around and saw that she was more or less dozing.

″Are you sleeping?″ he frowned.

″Not any longer,″ she answered but kept her eyes shut.

″Didn't want to wake you up,″ he apologized.

″Well, you failed with that,″ she laughed and rolled to her side to look directly into his great blue eyes.

″Are you feeling good?″ he asked her as she looked quite tired.

″Yeah sure, why shouldn't I?″

″Because you just slept in the middle of the day. That's weird. More than weird. I'm not used to that,″ he explained and still scanned her.

″Yeah, that's because we usually don't have time to sleep in the middle of the day. But that's actually really nice,″ she yawned and stretched her body.

″So you're already in vacation modus, huh?″ he chuckled and kissed her forehead.

″Completely,″ she smiled at him.

″Great. Because I thought we could maybe use our free time here to be typical tourists. Do a bit of sightseeing. What do you think?″

″You mean like getting up and walking through the city for hours?″ she laughed.

″Yeah. Something like that. Fresh air and the warm sun will help my sleepy head to wake up,″ he smirked and started to tickle her waist.

″Stop it,″ she immediately said in between laughters and gasps for air. Of course he didn't let her go so fast so her only option was to literally jump out of the bed.

″Well that was fast,″ Jay laughed.

″I hate you.″

″At least you're up now,″ he winked, got also up and guided her to the bathroom for a quick shower.

After showering and getting dressed they strolled through the busy streets of New York, holding each others hand tightly, and it already felt like vacation. They went on top of the Empire State Building, enjoyed the sun in the Central Park for half an hour and then took the subway to Lower Manhattan and the financial district. They walked over Brooklyn Brigde and Jay had his hands wrapped around Erin's waist from behind as they watched the sun go down right next to the famous Manhattan skyline.

When they later sat in an Italian restaurant before meeting the rest of the Crew in a bar close by, they flirted, they joked, they laughed. Jay was satisfied to see that Erin apparently started to make peace with the city where so many things had happened and Erin herself felt good, almost lighthearted although she thought she would hate this city forever. And she knew whom she had to thank for it. Jay Halstead, her boyfriend, her soulmate. Her savior. He had the unique ability to show her that life wasn't as bad and ugly as she used to know it. In fact, every day he showed her a little more that life was actually wonderful...

* * *

 **Well yes, this was a lot of fluff, hope you liked it anyway! Please tell me what you think. The next chapter(s) will finally be about Wisconsin :)**


	10. Home Is Where Your Heart Is

**Hey,**

 **thank you all so so so much for the nice words in your reviews, this really means a lot to me and I'm beyond happy that you like this story! :)**

 **So here comes a little more fluff, other stuff and Wisconsin part one. Enjoy!**

 **I still own nothing.**

* * *

 **10\. Home Is Where Your Heart Is**

The sweet smell of pancakes was in the air when Erin came into Hank's kitchen on Sunday morning. She had to grin when she recognized that even after all these years it still felt like coming home when she walked into his house.

Hank had invited her for breakfast before she and Jay would go to Wisconsin the following day and of course she has accepted his offer. There was nothing better in this world than Hank Voight's pancakes. She didn't even know why she loved them so much. Of course they tasted delicious and different than all the other's she's eaten yet but most likely it was because they reminded her to the time when she felt like being part of a real family and had a real home for the first time in her life. Reminded her to the lazy Sunday mornings with Hank, Camille and Justin, when they all had sat on the table in their pajamas and had joked and laughed in between eating his pancakes. Simply reminded her to the time when she had called this place her home and the people in it her family. When people had cared about her for the first time ever. When Hank had asked her whether she wanted her pancakes with fruits or bacon and she didn't know what to say because she never had some before. Because she was happy when they've had toast as she was used to not having anything to eat for breakfast at all.

She loved his pancakes so much, that some years ago she had even asked him for the recipe of them but he had kept his secret and had told her that if she wants to have his pancakes she has to come to his place and he would make them for her.

″You need a hand?″ Erin asked her pseudo-father and made him cringe with it.

″Can you at least try not to give me a heart attack?″ he asked her as he turned around.

″Sorry, I thought you heard me coming in.″

″Naah, not really. You can set the table on the patio if you want,″ he suggested.

″Sure,″ Erin answered and took two plates out of the cupboard and placed them outside on the table along with the fruits, the sour cream and the maple sirup. When she came back into the kitchen she filled a cup with freshly brewed coffee, sat down on the kitchen table and watched Hank making the last pancakes.

″Do you want bacon with your pancakes?″ he asked her.

″No, I'm fine with just pancakes and fruits, thanks.″

″Okay. Why didn't you bring Halstead?″

″I didn't ask him,″ Erin answered and sipped on her coffee just to burn her tongue by doing so.

″Didn't you?″ Hank asked and his voice sounded quite surprised.

″Believe it or not, there are some things I can and want to do on my own, without him,″ she said. ″Plus, I don't wanna share these pancakes,″ she added with a laugh.

″So that's the main reason, huh?″

″Nooo,″ she grinned. ″I will have Jay around me 24 hours a day as from tomorrow for eight days, so I really wanted to have this breakfast just with you.″

″Accepted,″ Hank smirked.

″So, how much longer will this take? Because I'm starving,″ Erin complained and tried to take a sip from her coffee for the second time. Hank turned around and shook his head but smiled at the same time.

″Some things never change,″ he said and Erin knew exactly what he was talking about. Back in the days she used to sit in the kitchen every Sunday, constantly asking him how much longer she had to wait. Sometimes it was even worse and both, her and Justin, had sat in the kitchen and had driven him nuts by asking every five minutes.

″Nope, they don't,″ she grinned at him.

″But today is your lucky day because this is the last one,″ he said and placed the pancake on top of the others.

″Perfect,″ Erin smiled. Hank took the plate and they both walked out to the patio and sat down in the comfy chairs.

″As good as always,″ Erin winked after she took the first two bites.

″Glad I didn't forget how to make them. It's been a while,″ Hank said pensively. Erin knew what he meant and felt bad. Ever since she and Jay were a couple she's been at Hank's place for pancakes twice. Something that once was a routine got lost as she and Jay loved to start their sundays in the laziest way possible, by staying in bed like forever and of course because Sunday was the only day were they had really time for themselves and their relationship.

″Yeah, we haven't done this for months. We should do this more regularly again, like once in a month, what do you think?″

″I'd really appreciate it,″ Hank smiled.

″Good, we'll get something organized then. Have you heard from Justin, Olive and Daniel lately?″ she changed the topic.

″I phoned with Justin last week and he sent me some pictures. Daniel is walking already,″ he sighed.

″I'd love to see them again.″

″Justin told me they'll try to come during his summer vacation in August,″ he said and smiled a little. ″Here,″ he added and gave her his phone with the newest photos of his grandson.

″Aaaww, look at him, such a sweetheart,″ Erin smiled when she scrolled through the photos of the one-year-old, blue-eyed, brown-haired toddler. ″He's going to be a heartbreaker one day, that's for sure,″ she laughed and handed the phone back to Hank.

″He looks a lot like Justin, don't you think?″

″Yeah, he does. I also see Camille in him,″ she quietly said and waited for Hank's reaction. He only nodded in response.

″Sometimes I wonder whether we'd still be a family if she was still here.″

″Hank, we are a family,″ Erin said.

″Are we, kiddo? You have Halstead, Justin has Olive and Daniel and they don't even live close to Chicago. I just mean...all the trouble and problems Justin had...that never would've happened if she was still here. There would have been no need to send him to the Army. He and Olive would live around here and I could see my grandson every day,″ he explained and Erin felt how her heart got heavy from his words.

″Hank,″ she said again, laid her fork and knife aside and looked at him. ″When you talk about all these would-be's you have to consider the fact that you most likely wouldn't have a grandson if things were different. Because who knows whether Justin's and Olive's paths would have crossed again when he would've been the good kid.″

″You can't know what would have been,″ he disagreed.

″Exactly,″ she said. ″But neither can you.″

″I miss her,″ Hank quietly admitted and took another bite of his pancake so he didn't have to look Erin in the eyes.

″I know. Me too,″ Erin said. They finished eating their breakfast in silence. Originally it had been Erin's plan to ask Hank about the mysterious date night with Liv in New York but with the way things have turned out now this wasn't the right time and she realized that Hank maybe wasn't as ready for something new yet as she has thought he would be.

″What are your plans for the rest of the day?″ Hank broke the silence after he had finished eating his last pancake.

″I still have to pack my bag. But before I can do this I have to do my laundry first. And before doing my laundry I might have to tidy up my apartment and pick up all the clothes that lay on the floor in the bathroom and the bedroom,″ she sighed.

″Prepared as always,″ he smirked.

″Sure,″ she grinned. ″You remember when we went on our first holiday together? I think it were the Easter holidays, five months after you've taken me in. We wanted to go to Canada. Camille had told me to bring her my dirty laundry until two days before leaving. But instead I brought it to her on the evening before we left. And it was much. And it was late already. Oh she wanted to kill me,″ Erin laughed.

″I vaguely remember. She didn't wash it, did she?″

″Of course not. She said it is my problem and I shall solve it myself. Then I was the one who wanted to kill her. We picked up a real fight.″

″Ah, yeah, now I remember better. She then considered to cancel our whole vacation because you drove her nuts,″ Hank grinned.

″Mhm. Then you talked to me and I did my laundry myself and later I went to her and apologized for my behaviour. I told her that it was still hard for me to follow rules and orders. And you know what she did? She hugged me and told me she was sorry for yelling at me. I mean, she had every right to yell at me but she apologized nevertheless. This was new for me. I was used to people yelling at me. It was normal. It was a part of my life. And no one has ever apologized for it before as no one was ever sorry for it. And no one has ever hugged me the way she did that evening. The vacation then turned out better than expected.″

″Yeah, it was chaotic but also lots of fun,″ Hank confirmed and a smile surrounded his lips because of how Erin talked about Camille and because his memories went back to their first vacation as a family of four.

″This was my first holiday and I will never forget anything of it,″ Erin smiled and looked at Hank with thankful eyes.

They talked for a little while longer, did the dishes together and then it was time for Erin to leave. All the things she still had to do would most likely not even fit into the remaining hours of the day.

″Enjoy your vacation,″ Hank said and hugged Erin.

″I will,″ she mumbled onto his shoulder.

″I mean like really enjoy it Erin. You deserve it. Try to relax. And try not to think about work, we will catch the bad guys without you, no worries,″ he laughed after he'd ended his embrace.

″I'm sure you will,″ she also laughed and walked away.

″Tell Halstead to drive safely,″ he called when she almost reached the car. She turned around again and shook her head.

″Do you really think I let him drive?″ she laughed, waved one last time and got in the car.

″Not really,″ Hank said to himself, went back into the house and closed the door behind him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Back home in her apartment, Erin started to tidy up her mess, being more or less motivated to do so. She also did her laundry and started to order the clothes, she wanted to pack in her bag, on her bed. She was looking for her bikini in the depths of her closet when she heard someone unlocking the door.

″Hey babe,″ she heard Jay's voice calling some seconds later.

″I'm here,″ she called back and a moment later he joined her in the bedroom.

″Holy...,″ Jay laughed when he saw the mess of clothes on her bed. She stopped her desperate search for her bikini, walked to her boyfriend, wrapped her arms around him and kissed him.

″What is that?″ he asked her, raised his eyebrows and pointed to the mountain of clothes on the bed.

″Burgers with fries. What do you think?″ she chuckled.

″Looks more like you emptied your whole closet and put all of your clothes on our bed,″ he noticed.

″Actually I tried to pack.″

″You're going to need three bags if you want to take all of this with you.″

″So what?″ she laughed.

″Our vacation is eight days. Not eight months. Unfortunately.″

″Jay relax, I looked for something and didn't find it so all my other clothes had to leave my closet for now.″

″Did you find it at least?″ he asked her although he was pretty sure to already know the answer.

″No,″ she sighed.

″That's a surprise,″ he laughed and earned a punch onto his shoulder from her.

″Do you know where my bikini is?″ she asked him while she went back to the closet and started looking for it again.

″Uhm, how should I know that?″ he replied and laughed when he saw all kinds of clothes flying through the air.

″It's not here.″

Jay took three short steps and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind.

″You don't need a bikini anyway,″ he whispered into her ear. She turned around and raised her eyebrows with a little smirk surrounding her lips.

″What?″ he grinned. ″We're in the middle of nowhere, completely alone. We can swim naked.″

″Yeah Jay Halstead, you wish,″ she laughed.

″I do, actually,″ he winked and crashed her lips with an intense kiss.

″We'll see,″ she grinned afterwards and turned around again to start another round of searching for these damn two pieces.

″Have fun with your searching, I'll go to the living room and have dinner instead,″ he shrugged and left her.

″Wait. You brought food? Why didn't you say that earlier?″

″You didn't ask,″ he noticed with a grin. ″It's chinese food. I'll put it on the plates and then you can join me. Or you keep on searching forever. But the result won't change, I'm afraid,″ he twinkled.

″I love you, too,″ she laughed as she watched him going to the living room.

Jay set the table and just when he wanted to call her that everything was finished, she entered the room, having a proud and winning smile on her face and holding her bikini in her hand.

″I found it.″

″Too bad,″ Jay chuckled as he sat down on the table. ″So, where was it?″ he asked her as she sat down adverse him.

″Uhm...in between my winter clothes,″ she admitted.

″Awesome, right where it belongs,″ he laughed in response and shook his head.

″Exactly,″ Erin answered and started to eat her dinner.

″Did you even already start to pack your bag?″ she asked him after some minutes.

″Er, I finished packing five hours ago and my bag is down in the car already.″

″Nerd,″ she grinned.

″Chaos-queen,″ he replied, picking up a little verbal fight for fun.

″I hate you.″

″I love you.″

″I love you, too.″

″And I hate you, too,″ he twinkled. His eyes sparkled and his heart fluttered when he realized once again how genuinely happy this girl made him. And thinking about the fact that they would be together for eight days, 24 hours a day and would have time just for themselves made him even happier than he already was.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They had to get up early on Monday morning as they had at least a six-hour drive ahead. Before finally leaving Chicago they went to a grocery store to buy some things they would need for the first days and then also stopped at their favorite coffee shop to have a short breakfast there and to stock up on some sandwiches for their drive.

″I'm going to drive,″ Jay said when they walked out of the coffe shop and towards their car.

″Keep on dreaming. I have the keys anyway,″ Erin laughed and walked straight to the driver's seat.

″Well, you can give them to me.″

″No I can't,″ she laughed.

″Oh come on Er, it's vacation time, so just take the passenger's seat for once and relax, okay?″

″Who says I can relax when you're driving?″ she teased him with a laugh and already sat down.

″Really?″ he sighed while still standing outside of the car, not finding this situation funny at all.

″You want to come in somewhen or...?″

″Yeah...sure,″ he said and sat down on his well-known passenger's seat.

″Are you really offended now?″ she asked him with raised eyebrows as she started the engine and pulled out on the street.

″No, not at all,″ he answered and stared out of the window.

″Yeah, sure,″ Erin mumbled.

The atmosphere was quite tense and icy in the car for the first two hours of their drive and neither of them said a word. Erin concentrated on the street and Jay prefered to stare out of the window, so the music on the radio was the only thing that broke the silence. After there was barely no traffic on the highway for the first half of their drive, they got into a traffic jam with complete standstill.

″Great,″ Erin sighed and turned the engine off, impatiently tipping her fingers on the wheel. Jay didn't say anything, just looked out of the open window and tried to figure out how long the jam was.

″You see anything?″ she asked him.

″Yeah, cars. And more cars,″ he answered.

″Awesome. Just because some damn idiots don't know how to drive,″ she complained and her voice was more than bugged.

″Erin seriously, calm down. We are on our vacation and we have all the time in the world.″

″No we don't. We have eight days. And we spend the first day of these eight days in the car.″

″We knew that before,″ he shrugged. This was senseless as she obviously was in the same bad mood now as he was since they got in the car and they'd only pick up a fight if they continued this conversation. So it was better to say nothing at all.

″I'm sorry,″ Erin quietly said after ten more minutes of unbearable silence. ″For everything.″

″You know, I really don't understand why you always have to get your way. What's the deal with just letting me drive on our private trip? Do you really not feel safe when I drive or what's your problem?″

″God damn Jay, it was a joke. A friggin' joke.″

″Yeah, funny,″ he answered and shook his head.

″You know what I don't understand Jay: I just apologized and you sort of ignored it and you're now doing this. So the question is: what's your problem?″ she asked him and her voice was rising.

″I think I just told you what my problem is.″

″And I just told you I'm sorry for everything. That included the joke. Damn, what is this even all about?″ she sighed and rolled her eyes.

″I don't know,″ he answered and rubbed his eyes. She was right. They were fighting about nothing and none of them knew why they were even doing this.

″If the next eight days will be like this we can drive back to Chicago immediately, because no thanks.″

″Hey, they won't,″ he assured her. He took her hand from the gear stick and interlaced his fingers with hers. She looked at him but didn't seem to be really convinced. ″Listen Er, I don't really know why you are moody neither do I really know why I am. I think we just had a bad start this morning. So can we just agree that our bad moods will stay in the car later and that we won't take them into the cabin with us? That we will leave this behind us before we pass the threshold of the cabin? Because actually I'm happy to be on vacation with the girl I love. And I want this week to be the best week of the year,″ he said and a little smile came back to his face.

″Sounds good,″ she admitted and smiled back to him. ″You know, this is the first time that I'm on vacation with the man I love and believe me, I want it to be perfect, too. So I say it again, I'm sorry for whatever-it-was-about,″ she said and a little laughter escaped from her lips as well.

″I'm also sorry for we-don't-know-what-it-was-about,″ he laughed. He leaned over to her side and placed a soft kiss on her lips. ″Are you hungry?″ he asked her then.

″Yeah, a bit.″

″Alright, you wanna ham with cheese or salami with cheese?″

″Ham with cheese please. But actually I'd like to eat it on the passenger's seat. So if you still like to drive, now would be a good time to do so because not being allowed to accelerate will drive me nuts soon,″ she sighed and tried not to think about how much longer they would might stand there.

″So you basically just let me sit on the driver's seat as long as we stand here and as soon as we can keep on driving you want to change again?″

″Jay. I know I can be mean. But I'm not that mean,″ she laughed. ″So?″

″Get outta there already,″ he grinned, unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car. He walked around the car, stretched his aching muscles and sat down in his new position.

They ate their sandwiches and muffins and after one more endless hour of standstill the vehicles in front of them finally started to roll. While Jay was now the one who was concentrated on the street, Erin settled in her seat, took her shoes off and even laid her feet up to the car dashboard.

″Comfy?″ Jay chuckled as he couldn't imagine that her current position was anything but uncomfortable.

″Not too bad. And sitting on this side of the car isn't too bad either,″ she winked.

″Yeah, you know, sometimes trying new things turn out to be better than expected,″ he twinkled back and Erin saw that his bright blue eyes sparkled again like they always did when they were together and like they always did when he told her with his eyes that he loved her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They arrived at the cabin in the late hours of the afternoon. Erin has dozed off an hour earlier and now it was on Jay to wake up his girlfriend and tell her that they'd finally reached their destination.

″Erin, wake up,″ he whispered into her ear and kissed her cheeks.

″Huh?″ she mumbled and her eyes fluttered open.

″We're here,″ he smiled. Erin rubbed her eyes and then looked out of the window. She couldn't believe what she saw and thought she was still dreaming.

″Uhm...you slightly understated when you said it is just a cabin,″ she remarked and got out of the car to assure herself what she saw was real. She had expected his cabin would be a small wodden cabin equipped with just the necessary things. But this was a wodden house with big windows. Two-storied. With a balcony on the second floor and a patio with a view onto the lake. ″Or is this how you define cabins here in Wisconsin?″ she asked him and still had a perplex look on her face.

″I never said it was small,″ he chuckled, wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her hair.

″You said it is a cabin. Cabins are small,″ she said and gazed around a bit more. Green meadows and big trees surrounded them and flowers were blossoming everywhere. The birds chirped and crickets chirred around them. She couldn't deny that she was in love with this peaceful place after only two minutes.

″Cabins can have all different kinds of sizes,″ he whispered into her ear. ″Come on, let's go inside,″ he grinned, grabbed her hand and pulled her with him to the front entry. Of course the inside of the cabin turned out to be completely different than she had imagined as well. The living room, the dining room and the kitchen were one open, big, light-flooded room and there was a beautiful chimney on one of the walls. The wodden floor and wodden walls, the big couch with its comfy pillows, some rugs on the floor and photos on the walls made this room look unbelievably comfortable. The furniture, the kitchen, everything was quite rural but yet modern nonetheless.

″Wow,″ Erin sighed and looked around in full fascination. ″But this isn't the cabin your grandfather bought, is it?″ she asked him and walked around.

″This is exactly the cabin my grandfather bought. I just renovated it some years ago,″ he smirked and enjoyed seeing her being so surprised and fascinated.

″So you basically live in the uggliest apartment ever in Chicago and own one of the most beautiful cabins ever in Wisconsin. A cabin you maybe use once or twice a year compared to the apartment you live in every single day,″ she noticed and now looked out through the big windows in the living-room-part of the room. The patio was directly in front of the windows and only some hundred yards away she saw the water of the lake sparkling in the sun. ″Talk about prioritizing,″ she added with a laughter.

″You haven't seen the best part yet,″ he chuckled into her ear, took her hand in his again and pulled her up the stairs.

″Voila,″ he said and opened one of the three doors on the second floor. A picture perfect, big bathroom including a big bathtub appeared.

″Jay I don't know what to say,″ she whispered as she more and more felt like being in a fairytale.

″That's okay,″ he smiled and kissed her cheeks. ″Come on, there's one room left,″ he winked and left the bathroom with her. He opened the second out of three doors and Erin saw the cutest and most comfortable bedroom ever. Although it was under the roof slope, the room was quite big as well, also light-flooded, with a soft carpeted floor and in the middle was a big bed with dozen of comfy pillows on it. She just wanted to jump on the bed immediately. In the corner behind the door was a closet and one of the big windows was acutally a french window that led out to the balcony.

″Be honest, you expected us to sleep on the floor on old matresses in sleeping bags, right?″ he asked her as he once again saw the stunned gaze on her face and as she didn't say anything at all.

″Not quite,″ she admitted and turned around to him. ″But this...I imagined it to be completely different.″

″But you still like it, don't you?″

She interlocked her hands behind his neck and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. ″I love it,″ she whispered and then jumped onto the bed in one move, giggling like a little kid.

″God this is great,″ she chuckled and curled deeper into the pillows. ″Not sure whether I'm able to share this bed with you though,″ she laughed.

″Well thank you,″ he laughed back in response, took the two steps to the bed and then leaned over her to kiss her smiling lips.

″What's in the other room?″

″It's just some kind of a storage room. It was Will's and my room once and now there's a desk in there and some shelves and all kind of stuff. Downstairs is another smaller room that was used as bedroom, too,″ he explained. ″I'll go and unload the car now. You wanna stay here meanwhile?″

″Alone? No. But you could stay with me instead,″ she mumbled and tried to smile all innocent.

″So now you wanna share the bed, huh?″ he grinned and kissed her again.

″Yep, changed my mind.″

″Amazing, I don't have to sleep on the floor,″ he laughed and got up from the bed.

″I can change my mind anytime again,″ she smirked up to him.

″Don't you dare,″ Jay laughed and reached for her hand to pull her up. ″Come on babe, more surprises are waiting for you,″ he winked as she didn't look too satisfied to leave the comfy bed.

″More surprises?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows.

″Yeah, I have quite some in store this week,″ he smiled at her as she finally got up, too. She just shook her head in response but a smitten smile surrounded her lips. How could she ever have thought that this man would not do his very best to make this vacation even more special than it already was?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Why don't you unpack our bags and put our clothes in the closet and I go down and prepare another little...surprise?″ Jay smirked after they'd unloaded the car and had brought their food stock to the kitchen and their luggage to the bedroom.

″Do you really think it's a good idea when I do that?″ Erin joked.

″No,″ he simply answered and laughed. ″But I believe in you,″ he added and gave her a short kiss.

″So noble,″ she laughed and went up the stairs.

She unpacked their bags and ordered their clothes in the closet and the dresser. As she was quite curious what Jay's next surprise was, she stepped out on the balcony after she had finished and saw him installing a hammock between two trees in the garden. She watched him for a little while and then got back into the house and went down to the living room to take a closer look to all of the photos on the walls.

There were lots of photos with Jay and Will in all stages of their childhood stages. On most of them there was an elderly man with them what Erin assumed must be their grandfather. Some photos also pictured them together with a beautiful younger woman and when Erin saw a portait of her and saw her eyes she knew immediately who she was: Jay's mother. Erin smiled as she realized that her boyfriend definitely got his looks from his mother. The same eyes, the same smile, the same chin. Right next to the photo with Jay, Will, their grandfather and their mother was a family picture with another man and woman and three more kids. They appeared on some more photos but as much photos as there were, one person was missing on all of them: Jay's father. Erin knew that something had happened in the Halstead family that has teared them all apart but that was already everything she knew. Maybe he would tell her one day. Tell her about his family that apparently was just as broken as her own. Tell her about his past that surely wasn't less hard than her own. Tell her about all the things he always kept inside and never showed her. Let her being there for him while it normally was him being there for her. Of course she was always there for him too, especially after his friend Terry died some months ago. It had broken her heart seeing him feeling guilty and seeing him suffer back then, but he hadn't really talked about his feelings. She had accepted it because out of all people in the world she of course knew how hard it was to talk about feelings and that it was allegedly easier to bury them deep inside and not incriminate someone else with them. Nevertheless she wished that he would some day open up to her, too. Some day, when he was ready to share his darkest times with her just as she has shared her darkest times and feelings with him. At least some of them.

Erin's gaze caught another photo on the sideboard with just a teenage Jay and his grandfather. She took the photo in her hands to look at it a little closer. The young Jay looked so happy and had the brightest of smiles on his face. She wasn't sure whether she has ever seen him smile like this yet. She swiped her thumb over his face, then put the picture back to the sideboard and walked out to the garden to join Jay.

″Hey there,″ she whispered into his ear and wrapped her arms around him from behind.

″Perfect timing,″ he said, turned around and smiled at her. ″Just finished installing our new hammock.″

″You're the best,″ she winked.

″I know,″ he laughed. ″Come on, try it.″

″Are you sure you did it right? Or do I need to be scared to crash on the floor?″ Erin joked.

″Why do you think I let you try first?″ Jay teased her.

″Charming as always,″ she chuckled and laid down in the hammock. She closed her eyes and let Jay softly push it forth an back for a moment.

″So? How is it?″

″Amazing. I'm really impressed with my house husband,″ she smirked but still had her eyes closed to enjoy the moment.

″Well, I'm not your husband,″ he replied casually but more to tease her.

″Not yet,″ she simply answered without thinking twice about the words that just escaped from her mouth. Jay's eyes widened in surprise and for a second he wasn't sure whether he has heard right. Erin Lindsay, the girl with the biggest commitment issues ever, just had basically admitted that he would one day be her husband. He knew this wasn't just one of her jokes. She had said it spontaneously and in all honesty, had let her heart speak.

″Uhm...I...mean,″ she spluttered as the realization about the impact of her words hit her. Has she really said that?

″It's okay, I know what you mean,″ Jay smirked but he couldn't deny how much he loved the thought about marrying her one day. ″I'll go in and make us something for dinner. Are you okay with pasta?″ he then changed the topic.

″Pasta is always good. I'll give you a hand,″ she suggested and tried to get out of the hammock.

″Nonono, let me do this. You stay here,″ he said, softly pushed her back and leaned down to kiss her.

″Jay you're also on vacation. You don't have to do everything,″ she objected.

″I know babe. But I don't want this place to get burnt down. You know, it takes a while until the firefighters would be out here.″

″Jerk. I hate you.″

″I know,″ he grinned at her. ″Just enjoy the evening sun and relax and I'll call you when dinner is ready, okay? And admit it, laying in this hammock is way better than cooking.″

″Maybe,″ she smirked, closed her eyes again and listened to the birds and the crickets for the next hour.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They had dinner on the patio and later sat down on a blanket by the lake to watch the sunset.

″Welcome to Lake Lindsay,″ Jay whispered into her ear as the red fireball slowly went down in the distance.

″What?″ Erin asked and turned her head around to him, only to see his eyes sparkling and this friggin cute smile surrounding his perfect lips.

″Welcome to Lake Lindsay,″ he smirked.

″Lake Lindsay?″ she echoed.

″Yep,″ he said and still wasn't able to hide his proud smile.

″Has this always been its name?″

″No, not until some weeks ago. It was my grandfather's lake but he never really named it officially. It was always just the lake. But now it's my lake and I filled out the papers some weeks ago, after finally finding the right and perfect name.″

″You named your lake after me?″ Erin almost whispered in disbelief and had to swallow down the lump that had suddenly built up in her throat as she was touched beyond limits.

″Guess I did,″ he winked, brushed a strand out of her face and kissed her stunned and speechless lips.

″Jay...this is...you didn't have to do this. This is crazy...but at the same time it's so cute, I don't even find the right words for it,″ she spluttered with the sweetest little smile on her face.

″It's always my greatest joy to make you speechless,″ Jay grinned and kissed her again.

″Yeah, I figured that,″ Erin laughed. ″Lake Lindsay,″ she said again and slightly shook her head, still not able to believe that Jay has named his lake after her. AFTER HER. Erin Lindsay.

″I think it has a nice sound.″

″It has indeed. Thanks for making me feel so special, Jay," she answered with a smitten smile while her heart still wanted to jump out of her chest.

″Most special person in my life, you remember?″

″I do,″ she nodded. ″I love you,″ she then said and this time it was on her to kiss him.

″Love you too,″ Jay said afterwards and pulled her even closer to his side. They watched the sun go down in silence while both of them were all smiles. Erin because she still couldn't believe that this was real and Jay because his little surprise had exactly the effect he had wanted it to have.

″Let's go for a swim,″ he suggested when the dawn set in some minutes later.

″It's almost dark and I'm sure the water is icy,″ she answered and looked at him as if he was out of his mind. She was obviously anthing but excited about his idea.

″Come on Erin Lindsay, don't be such a princess,″ he laughed and stripped his shirt off.

″Did you just call me a princess?″

″Looks like, huh?″ he chuckled and also got rid off his jeans. ″I swear, the water is not as cold as you imagine and swimming under the stars is something everyone should do one day. So please, swim with me tonight,″ he whispered puppy-eyed.

″Never call me princess again.″

″Deal,″ he smirked and Erin started to take off her clothes, too.

″Look, I told you you wouldn't need a bikini,″ he then laughed, grabbed her hand and ran towards the water with her. It was really warmer than Erin has expected it to be. They splashed the water in each others faces for a while and played tag. They chased each other through the cool water and their laughters filled the silent darkness that slowly closed in around them and let the stars appear on the firmament. Somewhen Erin was to tired to keep on swimming away from him, so he caught her and a wild hugging and kissing with longing kisses and intensive touches developed...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When they later laid in their big, comfortable bed, Erin wasn't able to sleep immediately. Jay meanwhile, who had his arm wrapped around her waist, was already snoring quietly. She was still a bit amazed and surprised about herself. Usually it wasn't easy for her to be at a new place, a place out of her comfort-zone, out of her home. But being here with Jay was completely different. She loved this place and she felt home from the second she has left the car this afternoon. Maybe it was because everything around here was just simply beautiful but once again she could exactly name the reason for her current feelings: Jay. The man who has named his lake after her. She still couldn't believe it. And as she now laid in the darkness, a soft smile surrounding her lips, and listened to Jay's steady breathing she realized that she always felt home when he was with her. Because he was not only her rock, her savior, her best friend and her soulmate. Jay Halstead was the one person she needed around to feel completely safe. Because he was her home...

* * *

 **As I said, fluff and stuff. Hope you liked it! Let me know what you think :)  
**


	11. Dancing In The Moonlight

**Hey,**

 **just wanted to say thank you for the reviews again, they really keep me motivated and keep me writing although I actually don't really have time to write these days! Buuuuut here we go with Wisconsin part II. I can't believe I already wrote 11 chapters, this is crazy.**

 **Someone wanted Erin to get hurt and I will write that somewhen. But not now as it doesn't fit into this chapter/story at the moment.**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)  
**

* * *

 **11\. Dancing In The Moonlight**

They started their vacation in the laziest way possible. By sleeping in and just doing nothing all day for the first two days. They relaxed in the hammock in the garden or laid down directly by the lake to enjoy the warm summer sun. From time to time they went for a swim or used the air mattresses Jay has brought to float on the water.

By the afternoon of the second day, Jay went fishing as he wanted to make an old family recipe for dinner. Erin watched him for a little while, thought he would maybe give her a reason to laugh but every handle looked professional and she was quite surprised by the hidden talents her boyfriend apparently had.

After he had prepared the fish and had put it on the grill, Erin joined Jay in the kitchen in the evening. She took a seat on the counter and watched him making a dip and preparing some baked potatoes and other vegetables.

″So, wherefrom do you know this recipe?″ she asked him and grabbed one of the cucumber pieces he just had cut.

″It's my grandfather's recipe. He made this several times every summer,″ he explained.

″Is he also the one who taught you how to angle?″

″Yeah...sure...he taught me a lot,″ he answered, turned his head around and gave her a smile.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ Erin said and tried to figure out whether this was the right situation to ask him about his family a little more.

″Jay, who are all the people on the photos in the living room?″ she then asked him with a low and shy voice but didn't want to look him in the eyes and kept her gaze instead focused on the floor.

Jay sighed, put his knife aside and took her hand in his. He has known that this would most likely come up while they were here due to all the photos and he had always told himself that he would tell her if she asked.

″Come on,″ he said and she got down from the counter and walked with him to the living room.

″This is Will and me,″ he said and pointed to a photo were a 11 and 9-year-old Will and Jay stood in the plain water of the lake.

″Yeah, I figured that,″ Erin smiled. ″He's your grandfather, isn't he?″ she asked and pointed to another photo.

″Yaah, that's him. Jonathan Taylor.″

″Taylor? So he was your mother's father?″

Jay nodded in response.

″And this is your mother, right?″ she then asked and pointed to the photo with just Jonathan and her.

″How do you know?″

″Because she looks just like you Jay,″ Erin answered while looking into his eyes. When she saw the silent pain in them, she tried her best to give him a little, encouraging smile. ″Who are these five?″ she asked him and pointed to the photo of the family she couldn't allocate.

″This is my mother's brother Michael, his wife Susan and their kids Nick, Myles and Isabella, Izzie. Most summers us kids spent at least one week here alone with our grandfather. The nights we never slept in the house but all together in one tent in the garden. Then Michael and Susan came for some days and after the five of them had left to their own cabin it was just Will and me with our grandfather for five weeks. For the last week, my mom always joined us and it was the four of us. The summers here were the greatest. In the evenings, we always made campfires and we ate marshmellows with chocolate ice cream and drank lime juice. My grandfather played the guitar, my mother sang and we were all dancing in the moonlight,″ Jay said and Erin saw how his eyes got glassy from these memories.

″Sounds amazing,″ Erin whispered and her own voice broke as she saw how hurt he was by just talking about it. But she also realized that once again he hasn't said a single word about his father. It almost seemed like he hasn't been a part of this family.

″It was. It was the best part of my childhood, my growing-up,″ Jay answered and went back to the kitchen to finish preparing their dinner. Erin followed him but she felt like she had ruined the atmosphere with her questions.

″Jay I'm sorry for asking,″ she apologized as she took her spot on the counter again.

″Hey Er,″ he said, put the knife aside again and placed his hands on her knees. ″Don't be. All these photos are here, so it's okay. Plus, you're my girlfriend, so it's your right to ask and your right to know.″

″Okay,″ she nodded although she still felt uncomfortable.

Jay gave her a short, gentle kiss and then continued cutting the cucumber for his dip.

″Last week when I met Michael and Susan in New York and I told you we can't meet because they go on vacation...you remember?″

″Yeah, sure. Why?″

″They are here. Well not exactly here. They also have a cabin around 30 minutes from here. And they invited us for a barbeque while we're here. Do you want to visit them?″ he asked her.

″Do you want me to visit them?″ Erin asked back before she could really think about how her words took effect.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and put the knife aside yet again. ″I know I'm anything but an open book when it comes to my family but yes, I want you to meet them, Erin. I want them to meet the girl that makes me genuinely happy and I want that girl to meet them because she's my family now,″ he said with a low voice and looked her deeply in the eyes. For one second he thought he had gone too far and overstepped her boundaries by calling her his family but Erin got down from the counter and wrapped his arms around him, buried her face on his chest.

″And you are mine,″ she said while he placed a soft kiss on her hair.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They enjoyed one of the best dinners Erin ever had and later ended the day with laying in the hammock sideways, right next to each other, pushed the hammock forth and back with their feet and gazed up to the starry sky. Jay's hand rested on top of Erin's and he softly stroked her knuckles with his thumb.

″This is already the best vacation ever,″ Erin somewhen sighed and tried her best to cuddle even closer to him.

″How many times have you been on vacation before? I mean with Bunny...″

″With Bunny we were lucky when she didn't use all our money to get a fix,″ she said with a bitter laughter. ″No Jay, my first vacation was with Hank and Camille and Justin when I was 16. We went to Canada around five months after they had taken me in. And it was around the time when Camille started not to hate me anymore.″

″She hated you?″ Jay asked and was quite surprised by that statement. He always thought Camille Voight has loved her as much as Hank Voight did.

″Oh yeah, she did. I mean, Hank basically took me in without asking her. I was just simply there one evening. The criminal street kid that had problems with alcohol and drugs at the age of 15. The girl that wasn't used to follow rules and always did what she wanted to do without giving a care in the world. And suddenly I was part of a picture perfect family with a regulated daily routine. So before Hank got me into St. Ignatius I was home with her every day. Hank still allowed me to go out but as Camille was the one who was home throughout the day, she was the one who told me when I should be back in the evening. But I never listened to her. I ignored her. I was used to do things the way I wanted to do them. When I wanted to come home by midnight I came home by midnight and not by 9pm as Camille had ordered. Camille already had her hands full with Justin and I just made everything a hundred times worse. We fought almost every day because I challenged her on purpose every day. In the beginning I really tried my very best that they kick me out again. Because I felt like I didn't deserve to have a family and they didn't deserve to handle someone like me. Because all of this family thing was too much for me. Because I wasn't used to people who cared about me. To people who loved me. But Hank never gave up on me, he always saw something in me and slowly I started to grow out of this wild street-kid-thing and somewhen Camille changed her mind, too. She became the mother I never had. They teached me how to love, they showed me what love is and how to accept love,″ Erin finished this little story about her past with a smile surrounding her lips and she was surprised how easy it was to tell Jay about it.

″They did a damn good job with it,″ Jay said, turned his head around and kissed her forehead.

″They did,″ Erin nodded. ″You know, shortly before Camille died she wanted to talk to me. She was already so weak back then and it took so much out of her to talk and caused so much pain. She told me that her and Hank always tried to have a second child after Justin. But she had five miscarriages throughout the years and the last one was when she was already five months pregnant. It was a girl. After losing her they stopped trying. This was the first sign that something was wrong with her uterus but nobody found out at that time,″ she said and a bitter laughter filled the silent night.

″However, she told me this story and thanked me for being the daughter they always prayed for but never got, for being Justin's sister they always wanted him to have. She said that she had never figured out why the universe took away their daughter and the other babies but that she now knows it was fate and universe blessed them with a different miracle instead. Me. She said that I was a gift from heaven to be there for her family after she had left this world. I was 24 then and I don't think I ever cried as much as I did in that moment because I knew I was going to lose my mother. The woman who has loved me like I was her child. The woman who really gave me the feeling that she meant every word the way she had said it. I laid down next to her for some hours and that night she died with Hank, Justin and me being by her side. She fell asleep in Hank's arms and never woke up again, leaving me the burden to keep her family together as she knew her death would break Hank and Justin as well. And I failed,″ Erin said and silent tears slid down her face.

″You didn't,″ Jay assured her immediately and squeezed her hand.

″I did. They both ended up in prison. Justin always was a good kid but her death changed him and I wasn't able to keep him from doing stupid things. Hank...he always had his own way of dealing with things but her death made him a different person for some years.″

″Erin, he was in a dark place. And we both know it's almost impossible to rely on other people when you are in a dark place. You want to be on your own. You don't think that anyone can help you and you don't want anyone to let you help.″

″I know,″ she whispered and wiped her tears away with her hand. ″It's just, she did so much for me and I wanted to do this one thing for her. I wanted her to be proud of me, to show her that all her efforts were worth it.″

″I'm one hundred percent sure that she is proud of you, Er. I mean, look at your life. You're one of the best female cops in Chicago and every day you give two hundred percent to make this city a better place. Plus she teached you what love is and you found love. I'm sure her biggest wish for you was to be happy. And as long as you are, she is,″ he said and locked eyes with her, gently brushing a strand out of her face. For a moment Erin was sure to see the same pain in his eyes that surely was in hers as well.

″Is this what you tell yourself when you think about your mother Jay?″ she asked him. ″That she wanted you to be happy and so you try day by day to be so?″

″Maybe,″ he shrugged and turned his head again to focus on the stars above them. ″Come on, let's get inside, it's getting chilly here,″ he then said and got out of the hammock in one gallant move. He reached for her hand and pulled her up.

″Jay?″ she asked him insecure when they walked through the garden towards the door.

″Huh?″

″Why is your father on none of the photos?″

Jay immediately froze in his movement and it seemed like he thought about his answer for a moment.

″Because he never was a part of this family,″ Jay answered and the pain in his voice broke Erin's heart. Now she was the one who squeezed his hand a little tighter but she didn't dug any deeper.

Jay looked into her eyes and saw the questionmarks in them. He owed her his story. She became so open during the past months, just some short minutes ago she had shared another chapter of her past with him, and he still wasn't able to tell her because all the memories still hurt so much. But if there was one person in his life who deserved to know the whole story it was Erin Lindsay, the love of his life. The woman he didn't want to have any secrets from. The one woman who surely wouldn't judge him for anything but who would simply understand the decisions he has made because broken families were such a well-known business for her.

″It's a long story, we should go inside and sit down for it,″ he finally said. Erin nodded in response and walked into the house with him. She went to the kitchen and filled two glasses with water and then sat down cross-legged on the couch right next to him.

″Well, where to start?″ he asked and sipped on his water.

″The beginning?″ Erin replied and tried to give him an ecouraging smile.

″Not a bad idea,″ Jay answered and also forced a little smile before he started to tell her his story.

″My father was a big boss with the Army. He was always away from home and never had time for his family, not even for holidays, so it was always just Will and me with our grandfather and our mom. Naturally, my father's behaviour was always strict and kind of cold. Our relationship has always been estranged, icy and complicated. In addition, I was a complete mama's boy, well and a grandfather's boy, too. Will on the other hand had a really good relationship with our father. Maybe because he was the golden child anyway. He was good in school and I wasn't. Not because I wasn't clever. I hated school and I was feared to go there because I got bullied,″ he said and made a short pause.

″That case with that kid and the bomb at the school, I think his name was Ethan, right? I remember how you said you used to be that kid...″ Erin said and Jay only nodded in response.

″Yeah...There was a group of boys and they stole my books and other stuff, they played nasty tricks on me, they beat me. I was alone and they were always in a group of five or even more so I couldn't defend myself. I mean, I was 13 and they were around 16, I didn't have a chance. In the beginning, I didn't tell anyone. I ate it, let them bully me. At one point I thought to tell my mother but I didn't want to incriminate her. I wanted to protect her from the pain I was going through. I figured it's better for her when she doesn't know. So I kept my mouth shut. And then, when my dad came home from an operation, I decided to tell him. I really thought he could give me some advice. But you know what he told me?″ he asked her rhetorical and a sarcastic laughter escaped from his mouth.

″I shall stop being a pussy and need to be a man. That was it. He had always given me the feeling that I wasn't worth his time before, but the way he looked at me this day was contemptuous and even kinda disgusted. Things of course didn't really change then and I let them bully me because it was the easiest way to deal with it. Somewhen they left highschool and my grades became a bit better but with everything that had happened they were still not good enough for studying medicine like Will did and I had lost my motivation for school anyways. My father used to tell everyone how proud he was about Will just to make me feel bad with it. And all I wanted was that he was at least a bit proud of me, too. So after college, when it was clear that there was no chance for me to go to a university, he told me he'd be proud of me if'd join the Army. And of course I did it because I didn't want to be the pussy any longer. The wrong son. The son he can't be proud of. Regardless the estranged relationship we had, I still wanted to please him. Because a son always wants his father to be proud of him,″ Jay said and slightly shook his head by these memories.

″My mom and my grandfather both told me I shall do what I wanna do, not what he wants me to do, but I didn't listen to them. I told them it was my burden to follow his footsteps. So I joined the Army and soon went to war for the first time. My cousin Myles was with me. But he really wanted to be a soldier with all his heart although Susan and Michael were completely against it. We lost lots of friends during our first tour and coming home and seeing the faces of the family members of those who didn't make it back...that's something I will never forget. These faces haunted me in my dreams. More than all the firefights.″ Towards the end his voice got really low and Erin saw how he swallowed hardly. She laid her hand on top of his and squeezed it. Jay took some deep breaths of air and Erin too, as she has almost forgotten to breathe while magnetized listening to his words.

″Myles and I went back to war for a second tour some months later. But this time, only one of us made it home,″ he said with barely no voice and rubbed his eyes with his hands before tears could fall from them. He inhaled deeply again and gazed down to his and Erin's hands.

″He died in my arms just two weeks before we were supposed to go home. He was shot. Just like Terry was some months ago. I tried my best to save him. I pulled him to a safe place and did CPR for hours, tortured his lifeless body because I couldn't let him go. When my companions finally found us I broke together due to exhaustion. Although I was so afraid to see all the broken faces of my family I flew home with his corpse to pay my last respects to him. I felt guilty because I should've avoided it somehow. All I saw in my head were the scenes that lead to his death. They replayed and replayed and replayed and they are still there sometimes.″ He whispered these last words and now Erin inhaled deeply and tried her best to keep herself together. To be strong for him. To show him that she was able to deal with his story although she just wanted to cry because it made her heart ache seeing him that broken and listening to the things he had to go through.

″Jay we can stop here. You don't have to do that. I never wanted you to relive this,″ she said and her voice chattered more than she thought it would.

″No, I'm okay. I want you to know.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded. Jay grabbed his glass and took a gulp of water to swallow down the big lump in his throat so that he was able to continue.

″When I came home the family I used to know didn't exist anymore. Michael and Susan didn't exactly blame me for Myles's death but they gave me and also my mom the feeling that it was unfair that I made it back home while he had lost his life. Of course they suffered, I mean they had lost their child and so I understood them. I really did. But they kept on not talking to me anymore and they even didn't want to have to do anything with me anymore. Nick got into drugs after his brother's death and Izzie went to Australia to study because she needed distance from everything. And I think they also blamed me for this. They blamed me that their family fell apart. My mom and my grandfather tried their best to convince me it wasn't my fault but as I still felt guilty and thought I failed in protecting him, I didn't believe them. I not only saw Myles's dead face and body in my dreams then, but also Michael's and Susan's judging faces.″

″And then you developed PTSD, didn't you?″ Erin whispered as her head put the pieces of his story and all the things she knew about him thus far together into one picture that made sense.

″Yeah and no,″ Jay said. ″I don't know whether it was really PTSD or just something similar. Maybe a lighter form of it," he shrugged.

"You didn't went to a doctor?"

"No," he answered and shook his head. "I neither told anyone nor went to a doctor. I just wanted to forget and for sure I didn't want to go back to war ever again. But my father didn't accept my decision. Told me I was still the little child that cried about everything and asked me whether I would ever be a man, whether I would ever not fail in making him proud. Of course he'd been at war too, but he had no clue what cruel things I've seen at war. How many times I saw children dying right in front of me. How many friends I saw dying. How many of them I tried to save but couldn't. How many people died right next to me or in my arms. How many times I was afraid to die and thought my life was over. How many times I was at a point where I thought that dying would maybe be better than living on with all the things I experienced and having to deal with the aftermath forever. But he accused me to be a bad soldier. That it was a shame that someone like me even called himself a soldier. That I was supposed to fight for my coutry like a real man and not hide in my bedroom like a child. So I left for my third tour although my mom and my grandfather tried everything to make me stay. They both cried when I left. Maybe because they already knew they wouldn't see me again.″

Jay paused again and Erin saw how hard it was for him to keep himself together. This time, it took him a little longer before he was able to continue speaking and Erin just waited for him to be ready and softly stroked the back of his hand with her thumb.

″During this third tour I got to know Mouse and he was my life-saver in so many ways. Some weeks in, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to go home as we were on a special, secret operation. The most important man in my life died and I wasn't there to pay my last respects to him. Mouse was there for me during this time and helped me to deal with it. Just some weeks later I got a call from my mom and she told me she has a very aggressive form of liver cancer and her chances to survive are close to none. Needless to say that my already broken world broke into even more pieces. I wanted to go home as soon as possible but we were just about to finish this operation," he said and slightly shook his head.

"However, it went terribly wrong, almost our whole unit died that day. I was injured too and Mouse saved my life by finding a safe place for me and two others who also survived. We had to stay in our hiding place for days as it was too dangerous to go out. When our companions came and looked for us, they didn't find us and we weren't able to go out and show them we're alive either. The two others were badly injured and I was unconscious almost all the time as I had a bad concussion. And Mouse..." he sighed and swallowed hard.

"The things that had happened were too much for him. He started to develop severe mental issues, was just sitting there and stared at the walls. Wasn't able to move, talked to himself, wasn't able to sleep. He was still able to keep us alive though but he was too afraid to go out of our hiding place. So of course they didn't find us and we were supposed to be dead, just like all the others. They informed our families that there weren't any survivors. After almost two days I got conscious again and Mouse started to get slightly better as he finally had someone to talk to and didn't only have to listen to us whimpering in pain anymore. One of our companions died the day before they finally found us. I think it was after seven days. They had started to identify the remains and as they hadn't found ours they looked for us again. We heard them and I helped Mouse to overcome his mental issues and fears for a moment and he helped me to go out with him and so we were saved...but it was too late..." he said and his voice trailed off. Erin wanted to say something but didn't as he continued talking faster than she had expected.

"They flew us home to the military hospital and I immediately called my mother, wanted to tell her I'm alive. But a nurse answered and told me she wasn't realizing all the things that happened around her anymore. Two days after the surgery I needed, I discharged myself from the hospital. When I came home my father was gone. He had hired a nurse who looked after my mother at home as they had sent her home to die, while he went to Hawaii and enjoyed his life with his new young girlfriend, affair, toy or whatever. I talked to my mother's doctors and they told me everything about her aggressive form of cancer. A form where patients don't have more than three months from the diagnosis to death. They also told me my mom was doing good. Until the day she had heard about my death. This was apparently the day she stopped fighting. My dad wasn't there for her anymore, Will preferred to be out partying as he has never been good in dealing with pain and problems and I was supposed to be dead. There was no living will left and she fell in a so called liver coma. Together with the nurse I took care of my mother. I had one more week with her. One week were she almost slept all day and didn't recognize me anymore. One week were she was on high dosed pain killers for 24/7. One week where I saw her falling apart and dying a little more with every day passing. I was with her in her final night. Her heart stopped beating while she was laying in my arms.″

He stopped again, his eyes were already filled with tears but he didn't let them fall yet and Erin started to wonder how much longer he'd be able to keep himself together.

″She died thinking I was dead. And it was just my father's fault. Because nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Because of him I had left for my third tour. Because of him my mother died not knowing that her son was still alive but thinking he was dead. She died thinking I was dead.″

At this point, Jay's voice broke into a million pieces and he couldn't held his tears back any longer. He covered his face in his hands and sobbed heavily and tears streamed down Erin's face, too. She cried with him, she cried for him. Never in a million years she had expected a story like this. That Jay, who most times seemed to be in a good place, had a story that would most people let suffer for the rest of their life, let them break, especially him, a man who always wanted to protect and be there for the people he loved. That the demons he had to fight were just as giant as her own. She wiped her tears away with her hand, inhaled some deep breaths of air and then wrapped her arm around his body and softly tickled the back of his head with her fingers and he burried his face in her neck. They sat on the couch like this for some moments and Erin held him tightly, showed him that she was there for him just as he always was for her.

″Jay, are you okay?″ she somewhen asked him quietly. He took his glass, emptied it with one gulp and then looked at her. The color of his tear-stained eyes has changed to an even brighter blue than normal.

″Yeah, I think I am,″ he said and slowly nodded his head. ″I just never told anyone all this and it brought back a lot of feelings.″

″No one?″

″Will of course knows most of it and Mouse knows parts of it, but you're the first person I told the whole story. Ever.″

″Thank you for telling me. I know how hard this must be. In fact, I know how hard it IS,″ she said and put her hand up to his face, softly stroking his wet cheeks.

″Thank you for listening. And for asking. Although this brought back a lot of emotions and memories I feel somehow freed now. Like there was a big stone on my heart but is now not there any longer,″ he admitted and gave her a weak smile. ″You're ready for the rest of the story?″

″Sure,″ she nodded although she wasn't sure whether she was able to hear more and Jay also had to inhale deeply again.

″After my mother's funeral I accused my father being guilty for her death. That was almost six years ago and I haven't talked to him ever since, have severed all ties with him. I think I really suffered from PTSD then, because this time it has been a lot harder. I was in a dark place. All the things that had happened and all the things I had seen during my three tours were too much for me to handle. I had lost the two most important persons in my life, I felt guilty because I haven't been there for them and I had seen things I don't wish my biggest enemy to see. In addition, I didn't know what to do with my life, how to go on, how to be able to ever live a normal life again. How to forget. Mouse had PTSD too and so we helped each other. We completely renovated this cabin together in the months after we had come back. This place healed me somehow, I learned to fight my demons and after going back to Chicago I felt good and strong enough to join the police academy. And the rest is history I think,″ he said and tried to smile at her.

″Yeah, I think it is,″ Erin answered and also smiled a little by the thought when Hank had introduced her with her new partner and when her eyes had met his stunning blue ones for the very first time.

″And ever since I found the love of my life at work I can't help but think that everything in life happens for a reason. Because who knows where I would be now if things would've been different. Being a soldier, surviving a war, doing three tours, suffering PTSD or whatever it was and then joining the police academy directly led me to you, Er. And if this is the reason for all the shit I've been through, so be it. Because in the end it was all worth it,″ he said and his eyes started to sparkle again while he once again declared his love for her. Not only his words but also his unbelievable positive attitude, always trying to find the one good thing out of a whole lot more negative things, let a smitten smile appear on her lips.

″You're the person who brought love and joy and laughters and happiness back into my life when I thought these things don't exist anymore. There was a time in my life were I thought I would forever keep wandering around, not knowing who I am and who I wanna be but thanks to you I feel complete again. You always say I saved you. But you already saved me so much earlier. Meeting you changed my life and from the very first day I knew you are the one. And this let me start to fight again, to live again, to love again, to be happy again,″ he almost whispered and leaned in to place a soft kiss on her lips.

″I would say we saved each other, Jay,″ she said.

″Maybe all of this was meant to be.″

″Yeah,″ she shrugged. ″Maybe it was.″

She took her glass from the table and sipped on it, thinking about his words. Maybe some things in life were meant to be, maybe everything in life happened for a reason and maybe it was fate which directly led their wounded souls and broken personalities right to each other.

″So, from the very first day, huh?″ she then smirked as she put the empty glass back to the table.

″My heart's all yours. It has always been,″ he smiled back at her, making her heart melt even more. ″We should go to bed babe,″ Jay added with a quick glance at the clock.

″Mhm,″ she nodded and let him pull her up from the couch. ″Jay are you sure you're okay after everything you've just told me?″ Erin asked him when she stood directly in front of him, her hands resting on his sides.

″I am,″ he assured her. ″I think it was good for me to talk about it, it was overdue. Sometimes talking helps.″

″Yeah, tell me about it,″ she answered and as they walked past all the photos, something came to Erin's mind again. ″Jay, how are Izzie and Nick doing now?″

″Izzie still lives in Australia because she met her boyfriend there. And Nick somewhen went to rehab, got his life back together and he now lives on a farm in Texas with his wife and their son Mylo. They both made the best out of their lives.″

″I'm glad to hear that. And Susan and Michael?″

″The same applies to them. Life goes on although the pain stays while the memories fade.″

″Yeah, damn true,″ she sighed.

″How about visiting them on Friday for that barbeque?″ he suggested.

″Sounds good,″ she answered and let him guide her to the bedroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin woke up early the following morning after a really sleepless night. Jay's story has been in her head ever since she had tried to sleep and it had even become visual. Every time she had closed her eyes, there've been pictures of Jay at war, of Jay trying to save his friends, of Jay suffering and one time she had startled up from a nightmare, breathing heavily, after she had seen pictures of Jay dying. She knew it would take a while until she'd be able to come to terms with his story. To accept his story, his past, the things he had seen and had been through.

As she laid on her back, staring to the white ceiling, listening to Jay's quite snoring and to the birds that started to chirp in the dawn outside she decided it was on her to make a little surprise for him. And she already had a perfect idea how she could surprise him in the best way possible. A feeling of excitement hit her and she got out of the bed, tried to be as silent as possible, just grabbed her jeans and a shirt and then went down to the kitchen. She wrote a quick note for Jay so he wouldn't be worried if he woke up, slipped into her shoes, grabbed the car key from the counter and headed to the next grocery store some minutes later.

As they were literally in the middle of nowhere, it took her more than one hour until she was back at the cabin again. She checked the bedroom and found Jay still peacefully asleep. She went down to the kitchen again and started to make eggs with bacon for breakfast.

Half an hour later, she went up to the bedroom again with balancing a big tray on her hands. She placed it on the floor, stripped her jeans and then started to wake up Jay by placing soft kisses on his cheeks and lips.

″Hey sleeping beauty,″ she grinned when his blue eyes fluttered open and a smile rushed over his face.

″What are you up to, young lady?″ he asked and yawned loudly.

″Today is breakfast-in-bed-day,″ Erin smiled, jumped off the bed and served the tray.

″Looks delicious,″ Jay said when he saw the bacon with eggs, the toast, the cheese, the croissants, the jam, the cups with coffee and the glasses with orange juice.

″Surprised?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″Do you want to have an honest answer?″ he chuckled and earned a punch onto his bare shoulder from her.

″You got a funny way of saying thank you, Jay Halstead.″

″I know,″ he smirked. ″Thank you baby,″ he then added and kissed her. She sat down right next to him and then they started to eat their breakfast-in-bed while the early morning sun lighted up the bedroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

As it was another hot summer day, they spent most of the time in the water or dozing and relaxing in the shade. When the sun finally started to set in the early evening and a cool breeze occured, they strolled around the lake for some time and Jay showed Erin some places where he and Will had had their tree houses and used to play cops and robbers back in the days.

After Jay took a quick shower back at the cabin later, Erin already waited for him in front of the bathroom.

″What's up?″ he asked her, literally running into her.

″I have a little surprise for you,″ she grinned, grabbed his hand and walked towards the stairs with him. ″Alright close your eyes,″ she said before they were down in the living room. He did as ordered. Erin covered her hands over his eyes nonetheless and guided him towards the garden.

″What are you doing?″ he asked her, being all curious.

″Just wait and see,″ Erin answered.

″Alright, stop,″ she said when they were out in the garden and Jay heard country music playing close to them.

″Can I look now?″

″Yes, now you can look,″ she said and uncovered his eyes.

Jay blinked some times and then saw that she has made a campfire on the fireplace. On the bench right next to the fire were two glasses with lime juice and two packages with marshmellows. Of course it only took him one second to realize what she was doing here.

″I figured you might like this,″ she said quietly from behind as he didn't say anything.

He slowly turned around to her and Erin had to swallow hard when he looked at her with tear-filled, glassy eyes that were as thankful as never before.

″Thank you,″ he whispered and right now this was the only thing he was able to say. He covered her face with his palms and kissed her lips.

″Always,″ she answered with barely no voice either as she was quite emotional from his reaction. ″Sorry for the music though, but I don't want all animals around here getting extinct due to me singing, so I decided this is the best solution,″ she grinned up to him.

″I don't care about how the music is being played,″ he answered all smiles.

″Good. So, Jay Halstead, are you dancing in the moonlight with me tonight?″

″Yes, Erin Lindsay, I am dancing in the moonlight with you tonight,″ he answered and kissed her again.

They sat down on one of the benches that were placed around the fireplace, drank lime juice, ate chocolate ice cream with marshmellows and listened to the country music that played from her phone. When it was finally completely dark and the stars and the full moon appeared on the clear sky, Jay grabbed Erin's hand, pulled her up from the bench and did the same thing with her that he had done with his mother, his grandfather and his brother decades ago. Just with the little difference, that dancing in the moonlight with Erin was even better, of course more intimate and more beautiful. In between exchanging soft kisses and tenderness, Jay couldn't help but think that this was the most perfect moment they had shared yet and just when he thought he couldn't love her more than he already did, a moment like this made him realize that 'more' was still possible. Made him realize how blessed he was to have found her. Made him him realize that she was all he had and all he ever wanted. Made him realize that she was his life. He grinned down into her perfect face by these thoughts, pulled her even closer to his body, buried his face in her hair and enjoyed every single second of this. Of reliving old memories and creating new ones at the very same time...

* * *

 **So, this is "my" Halstead-family-story. I hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think :)**

 **I didn't really go into that PTSD-thing as I'm not sure whether people who suffered from PTSD are allowed to work as cops. So let's just say he went through something similar. But this will come up in an own chapter somewhen in the future. For now I mainly wanted to focus on Jay's family story. Another note: this form of cancer really exists...happened in my family.**

 **Not sure when I'll be able to update again as I have literally barely time to breathe at the moment. But I'll try my best! :)**


	12. Sometimes Things Change

**Hey,**

 **thank you all so much for your reviews again! I was able to write this chapter faster than I thought, so here we go.. :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **12\. Sometimes Things Change**

Erin was more than nervous when she stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror on early Friday evening and made herself ready for the barbeque with Jay's aunt and uncle. She wasn't used to get introduced with any family members and she was quite scared that they would maybe not like her, would think she wasn't good enough for him. She sighed and tried to push these thoughts away, put some make-up on and then went to the bedroom and slipped into her short, white summer dress she had bought some weeks ago while being on a shopping trip with Kim and also slipped into the fitting white casuals.

When she walked down the stairs into the living room some minutes later Jay was already waiting for her and is eyes widened in surprise when he saw her wearing the cutest dress, making her look like an actual angel.

″Wow,″ he said and smiled at her when she came across the room.

″Huh?″ she asked him and her cheeks blushed.

″You're looking incredibly beautiful tonight, baby,″ he whispered and scanned her from head to toes.

″You don't look too bad yourself either,″ she grinned at him.

″Compared to you I'm looking like a dork,″ Jay joked as he stood in front of her wearing some shorts, sneakers and a casual shirt.

″Well, so nothing new there, huh?″ she teased him and placed a little kiss on his lips before he was able to answer.

″Mhm. But seriously, dresses like this one suit you. You should really consider wearing it more often.″

″I'm not that dress-kinda-girl.″

″Have you seen yourself in the mirror today? Because then you wouldn't say that,″ he winked and kissed her again.

″Just because it looks good doesn't mean I feel good with it,″ she said thoughtful and bit her lower lip.

″Erin, you know that you don't have to wear a dress just to impress them, do you? You can easily wear shorts and a shirt if you feel more comfortable with it,″ he said and brushed a strand out of her face.

″Yeah...I know,″ she answered. ″Jay, what if they don't like me?″ she then whispered and lowered her head.

″Then we would simply leave. But this won't happen because I'm completely sure they'll like you,″ he said, giving her an encouraging smile.

″Mhm,″ she only nodded but didn't seem convinced.

″We don't have to go if you don't want to.″

″No, no. This is just the first time that I get introduced to family members as someone's girlfriend. And I think...I might be a bit scared to screw up or something...″

Jay sighed. He hasn't thought about the fact that this was her first real relationship and that the guys she used to date in her teens were not the kind of guys who introduced their girlfriend to their parents or any other family members. So it was understandable that she had some issues.

″Erin, you are the most incredible and most beautiful person I've ever met and I'm more than proud to tell them you're my girlfriend. To show them how lucky I got to have found someone like you. Someone with such a big heart and such a precious soul. Someone who makes me smile every single day. And there's no way that this person will screw anything up. Just be yourself baby. And believe me, they will love you.″

″Okay,″ she simply answered but a smitten smile surrounded her lips this time. ″But be honest with me, does this dress really look good on me? Not weird or something?″

″Do what you want, what you feel comfortable with but you're looking gorgeous and I love it.″

″Then I'll keep it on,″ she smiled.

″Good. Are you ready to go then?″

″Yes. Yes I am,″ she nodded, grabbed his hand and together they left the cabin for what would hopefully turn out to be a nice evening.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A little more than half an hour later they got out of the car at Michael's and Susan's cabin that was also close to a lake. The house was about as big as Jay's cabin but the garden was a whole lot bigger and beautifully designed with a fountain and lots of colorful flowers.

″Not bad either,″ Erin said as Jay walked around the car to be beside her.

″Yeah, it's quite a nice place, too. Come on,″ he said and interlocked his fingers with hers. She looked down to her feet, flattened her dress with her other hand, tried to ignore her nervously beating heart, inhaled a deep breath of air and then let him pull her towards the garden gate.

An elderly man already came walking towards them, smiling brightly as he saw the young couple walking through the garden.

″Jay,″ he welcomed his nephew. ″And you must be Erin,″ he smiled as he now shook hands with her.

″I am,″ Erin smiled back at the man with the familar blue eyes and the slightly gray hair.

″Nice to meet you Erin, I'm Michael.″

″Nice to meet you, too.″

″Susan, Jay and Erin are here,″ he called towards the house as they followed him through the garden to the patio. Jay placed a kiss on the side of her head and whispered in her ear: ″Went well, huh?″

″It's a start,″ she chuckled.

Just as they arrived at the patio, a smaller woman walked through the door, smiling at them.

″Hey there,″ she greeted the two of them. ″I'm Susan,″ she introduced herself, shaking hands with Erin.

″I'm Erin, nice to meet you,″ she smiled at the woman with the brown hair and dark brown eyes and who was wearing the cutest floral dress.

″Nice to meet you Erin. Jay talked a lot about you.″

″Did he?″ Erin asked, glancing at her boyfriend and raising her eyebrows.

″Of course I did,″ Jay said, twinkling at her.

″Of course you did,″ she echoed, slightly shook her head and laughed.

″He mostly told us how amazing you are,″ Susan said and Erin felt how her cheeks blushed. Jay squeezed her hand a little tighter.

″So Jay, how about you and Michael take care of the grill and Erin helps me in the kitchen?″ she then suggested. Erin and Jay looked at each other in the same moment and almost had to giggle as they knew exactly what each of them was thinking. Erin in the kitchen was anything but a good idea.

″Uhm, I guess by talking about how amazing I am, Jay forgot to mention that I'm not really...amazing in the kitchen. Actually I'm pretty far away from it,″ she admitted.

″Oh, that doesn't matter. There's not much to do anymore,″ Susan assured. ″Come on,″ she then added and gave Erin an encouraging smile.

″Alright,″ Erin nodded. ″So much about not screwing up,″ she then chuckled into Jay's ear as she placed a kiss on his cheek and followed Susan into the house. Everything was a bit older than in Jay's cabin but it was really charming nonetheless.

″This is a really nice place, I like it a lot,″ Erin said as they walked through the living room.

″Yeah it is. We're currently thinking about moving here permanently but we're a bit afraid it won't be so special anymore. Have you been here before? At Jay's cabin?″

″No, this is the first time. He talked a lot about it and so we decided to spend our first vacation here,″ Erin told her.

″This is a special place for him. Always was. I'm glad he found someone he can share this place with,″ Susan said while smiling at the younger woman. ″You can do a salad, right?″ she then asked Erin as they entered the rural, wodden kitchen.

 _Hopefully,_ Erin thought as she really didn't want to say no and leave a bad impression after like five minutes.

″You just need to cut some tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers and then make a dressing with vinegar, oil and some herbs and spicery,″ Susan explained.

″I think I can to that,″ Erin grinned.

″I'm pretty sure you can,″ Susan said while she worked on her potatoe salat. Erin took the knife and started to slice the vegetables in front of her into small pieces.

″So, how did you and Jay meet?″

″At work.″

″You're a detective too?″

″Yeah, I am,″ Erin nodded and tried her best to stay concentrated and not cut off one of her fingers. ″We were assigned as partners three years ago. He went from being my partner, to being my best friend to being the man I want to spend the rest of my life with,″ Erin added to her own surprise. Being that open about her private life to a stranger was usually not one of the things she used to do.

″You know, we didn't have the best relationship in the past but when I saw him in New York last week he looked as happy and satisfied as he didn't since he was a child and ran through the woods out here with his brother and his niece and nephews. I'm really glad he finally found peace after everything that had happened and he had to go through. We made a lot of mistakes during the past years, treated him in a way he didn't deserve to be treated,″ she sighed.

″People often make mistakes when losing someone they loved,″ Erin answered pensivly and looked at the older woman who seemed a bit surprised about her words.

″He told you about Myles?″

″Yes, he did. He told me everything. And I'm really sorry you lost your son. I know how hard it is to lose someone you've loved. Nothing will ever be the same again and we spend the rest of our lives wondering what could have been if things were different.″

″This sounds a lot like you're familar with this, too,″ Susan noticed.

″Guess I am,″ Erin shrugged. This wasn't the direction she wanted this conversation to go.

″I'm sorry for that,″ Susan said and gave her an encouraging smile. ″But however, I think I just wanted to thank you for making Jay happy again. This is all Diane ever wanted for him.″

″He makes me pretty happy, too,″ Erin answered with a smitten smile. The two women kept on talking, mostly about Erin's job, while finishing the salads and somewhen, Jay joined them.

″What takes you so long? I'm going to starve in front of the grill full of delicious steaks,″ he complained with a laugh.

″We just had a nice chat, so it took a little longer, sorry,″ Susan explained.

″Don't be sorry Susan, he always acts like he's starving,″ Erin laughed and twinkled at her boyfriend.

″Yeah, the men in this family tend to do this quite often,″ Susan grinned.

″The steaks get black, too. Just saying though,″ Jay answered, shrugging his shoulders.

″Be patient,″ Erin laughed, grabbed the bowl filled with salad and gave him a little kiss on his cheek while walking past him towards the patio.

The evening turned out to be even better and nicer than they both had imagined. They laughed a lot, told stories about the time when Jay, Will, Izzie, Nick and Myles all have been kids. Susan and Michael also told them about Nick, his wife and their son and Izzie, who just had finished university in Sydney some weeks ago. It seemed like things between Jay and his uncle and aunt have really changed for the better. They even discussed a reunion with all of them together in the near future. And as they sat on the patio, drinking wine and telling stories, Erin couldn't help but feel being part of a real family for the first time since Camille's death. And this was more than just a nice feeling. It felt great, it felt right, it felt perfect.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″They love you,″ Jay said in the car when they were on the way back to their cabin around midnight.

″Well, I wouldn't say they love me, but not screwing up maybe helped a little that they like me,″ she laughed.

″They love you,″ he said again, grabbing her left hand with his right and brought it up to his mouth to kiss it.

″Pretty convinced about that, huh?″ she chuckled as they now both rested their hands in the middle next to the gear stick.

″Sure.″

″What makes you so sure?″

″They told me,″ he simply answered. Erin turned her head and looked at him while he kept his gaze focused on the street, but she could see how a smile formed on his lips.

″They told you they love me?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows and glaring at him.

″Susan told me you're a keeper and I shall never let you go. And Michael said my mom would love you and you're the kind of girl she always wanted me to find,″ he said quietly. ″So believe me, they love you,″ he then added with a soft chuckle escaping from his lips.

″I can't say I love them...because you know, love is quite a big word...but I like them. A lot actually. It was a great evening Jay and we should really meet them more often. Thank you for introducing me to your family, this really means a lot to me,″ she said and squeezed his hand.

″You are a part of this family too, Erin,″ Jay answered and glanced at her with thankful, sparkling eyes for a moment.

″Family,″ she nodded, turned her head around and gazed out through the window, watching the dark woods passing by.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following days of their vacation passed by faster than they wanted them to pass and they enjoyed every moment with each other as intensive as possible. Of course Jay had some plans and more surprises, so one day, they went to a place that offered white-water rafting and they had too much fun rafting down the river. On another day, Jay took her to a horse farm that was about twenty minutes away from their cabin and they went for a hack through the woods with Jay showing her some more of his favorite places from his childhood. Erin learned from the farmer, Bill, that this farm once burnt down and it was teenage Jay who spent every single minute of his holidays there that summer to help to rebuild it without asking for a single dollar. He had even declined the money they had offered him. For that reason Bill called him a saint and now took care of Jay's garden at the cabin and Erin smiled brightly while listening to the old farmer's story because this was just 100% Jay. The man who always cared more about the well-being of others than his own.

On their last day, they went for a little hike at another lake in the morning and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with relaxing in the sun as much as possible, trying to soak all these little moments in and keep them in their minds for the months to come.

Jay woke up first on the morning where they had to leave their little paradise. He stretched his body and turned around to Erin's side of the bed. It seemed like she was still asleep, but when he gazed at her Jay immediately knew she was just pretending to do so as a smile appeared on her lips.

″Good morning beautiful,″ he mumbled into her ear and then placed a soft kiss on her smiling lips.

″Not sure whether this is a good morning,″ she disagreed as her eyes flew open.

″Why not?″ he frowned.

″Because we have to leave today. And I really could stay here a little while longer,″ she sighed.

″Not missing work?″

″Not as much as I thought. Being here with you is simply a hundred times better than work,″ she smiled up to him.

″I told you it's a nice place to retire one day,″ he grinned back.

″Yeah it really is. In 30 years or something.″

″We can come here for weekend getaways anytime.″

″I think this might be an option,″ she laughed and cuddled closer to him, resting her head on his muscular chest. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders while his fingers went up and down her spine and she even dozed off again while laying in his embrace and enjoying his soft touches.

″Come on baby, we really have to get up,″ he mumbled into her hair one hour later.

″Noooo,″ she sighed.

″It's 8.30 already, we still have to pack, to load the car and to clean the house. When we stay in bed any longer we won't make it to Chicago before rush hour.″

″I don't wanna hear this and I don't care,″ she chuckled, softly tickling his abs.

″Well, I have my methods to get you out of bed,″ he said with a nasty grin and started to tickle her waist.

″Stop it!″ she immediately said in between giggles and gasps for air. But of course Jay didn't stop so her only way to escape was by jumping out of the bed. Just like she always did when he started his attacks.

″Told you so,″ he smirked.

″Sometimes I really hate you Jay Halstead,″ she said, eyed her pillow for a moment and grabbed it with one fast move.

″Don't you dare,″ Jay laughed but the pillow already hit his head. It came so fast and unexpected, he didn't have the slightest chance to catch it. He grabbed Erin's pillow and his own one and threw them back to her, hitting her with both of them. Of course she didn't waste a second and threw them back again, letting a real pillow fight with tons of giggles and laughters occure. Erin felt like a child but somehow it felt damn good. The last time she has had a pillow fight was when her and Teddy were kids and Erin had tried her best to entertain her little brother and distract him from their broken family, their addicted mother and her abusive boyfriends. Of course it was also fun back then but it was more a forced kind of fun. But now, doing this childish pillow fight with Jay, she felt that kind of happiness again she didn't know existed until some short months ago.

Somewhen their fight turned more into hugging and kissing and when they started to undress each other they knew for sure that they wouldn't make it back to Chicago before rush hour. But this was the last thing they cared about right now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Erin, breakfast is ready,″ Jay called up the stairs one hour later. She didn't answer, so Jay called her again.

″Erin!″

″Yeah, keep cool,″ she answered and came down the stairs some moments later, joined him on the table. Jay frowned when he saw her. There was barely any color in her face and the smile on her lips and sparkle in her eyes were gone.

″Are you ok?″ he asked her with a worried undertone in his voice.

″Yeah...uhm...just got a call,″ she said and pointed to the phone she had placed on the table right next to her plate.

″Bad news?″ Jay asked although he could already tell from her behaviour that it surely weren't any good ones.

″I don't know yet,″ she shrugged but didn't look at him.

″Someone from your past?″ he dug deeper.

″Uhm...yeah...somebody that I used to know.″

″You need help dealing with it?″

″Jay, I don't know yet! So please, leave it.″ Her voice was rising and she sounded bugged. She covered her head in her hands and looked down at her plate, then pushed it away.

″Sorry but I can't eat right now,″ she said, got up, walked up the stairs again and left him alone.

″What the hell?″ Jay quietly said to himself. He got up, too and started to clean the table as he had lost all the desire to eat. These past days have been the best days of his life, and now, on the last morning, it all got destroyed because Erin's past was catching up with her again?

Jay got even more worried when she later took the passenger's seat on her own will after they had loaded the car. That wasn't the Erin he used to know. That call obviously must've been more than just bad news.

The atmosphere in the car on the way back to Chicago was just as tense and awkward as it had been on their drive to Wisconsin some days ago. Erin didn't say a word and stared out of the window. Jay didn't say anything either as she apparently didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to let him in. So any kind of conversation would only lead to a fight.

″I'm sorry,″ Erin somewhen said and looked at him for the first time in hours.

″Wanna tell me what's going on?″

″Maybe. But not now,″ she said and laid her hand on top of his. They did sort of small-talk for the remaining two hours of their drive but it was far away from the way they usually talked with each other.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Home sweet home,″ Jay said when locking up the door of her apartment in the evening, placing her bags in the hall.

″Yeah, back to reality,″ Erin said, rubbing her tired looking eyes.

″I'll just bring up my bag, too and then we can maybe order some food and watch a movie before reality really hits us again tomorrow. What do you think?″ he asked her and smiled, trying his best to somehow bring them back to a normal level.

″Don't be cross with me, but I'd like to be alone,″ she said and as she gazed to him, she saw something dropping from his face. Most likely the happiness that has been there the past week.

″Erin, what the hell is going on?″

″Not now Jay. I have to figure things out, first. So please, go. I need some time for myself tonight,″ she explained but Jay still glared at her in disbelief.

″You know what? Do what you want,″ he answered with a voice that was hearable hurt, shook his head and then left her apartment by slamming the door.

Back at his own apartment, Jay did his laundry and ordered some food just as he had planned to order for him and Erin. After the delivery guy had brought it, he took a bottle of beer from the frigde, sat down on his couch and turned the sports channel of his TV on. He tried not to think about Erin's weird behaviour but she had hurt him once again. And that after a week where everything was more perfect than ever before. Where he has been happier than ever before. Where they've been closer than ever before. Her strange and weird behaviour once again made absolutely no sense. She started to build up walls again just when he thought they were past this point and were able to talk with each other when something happened. But right now it didn't seem like things had changed at all.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay arrived at the bullpen the following morning, Erin wasn't there yet. Everybody asked him about his vacation and he tried his very best to look happy while telling his team mates about the past eight days. The woman, who was the reason that all the beautiful memories have already faded, walked into the bullpen almost an hour late, wearing sunglasses and having a cup of coffee in her hand. Usually she always brought Jay a coffee, too, when they haven't spent the night together and she has stopped by their favorite coffee shop. But not this time. She walked straight to the locker room and Jay tried his best to look as casual as always when he got up from his chair to follow her. As Hank didn't order her into his office immediately, he assumed she must've told him she'd be late.

″Not even a good morning?″ he asked her as she put her jacket into the locker. She turned around and looked at him, still being as pale as the day before. And her eyes even looked like she has cried.

″Good morning,″ she shrugged.

″Wow, awesome,″ he answered sarcastically.

″Jay what do you want? Because this is really not the right time to be the offended boyfriend,″ she said, rubbing her temples with her fingers.

″I didn't want to be the offended boyfriend, Erin. I wanted to be the caring boyfriend. Because this is the time for me to be caring boyfriend,″ he simply answered, scanning her for her reaction. She stared down to the floor and then grabbed her gun and her star, putting it onto her belt.

″I...I can't do this right now,″ she said and walked past him.

″Erin,″ he said and held her back on her arm. ″Talk to me,″ he almost whispered and his eyes begged for an explanation.

″I can't,″ she quietly said, still locking eyes with him. When she saw the pain in them, she lowered her head.

″Why can't you talk to me? What did I do to you, Er? Huh?″

″Nothing,″ she shrugged.

″Then why do you act like I did something terribly wrong?″

″Okay, I tell you now and I tell you once: you didn't do anything wrong. Satisfied?″

″No,″ Jay simply answered.

″Then I can't help you,″ she snapped.

″Erin, what the hell is going on? Don't you trust me?″ he asked her again, tightening his grasp around her arm supportingly.

″I...I...″ she spluttered before Antonio walked in and interrupted them.

″Guys we have a new case, we gotta roll now,″ he said, giving the couple an awkward glance.

″Got it,″ Erin answered and followed her colleague before she had explain anything and Jay could ask anything again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their case turned out to be a heavy one. A 70-year-old woman has been killed in execution style in one of the nicest parts of the city. It was Erin's and Jay's job to do the notification with the victim's 75-year-old husband who's been married with her for 40 years, so the whole thing turned out to be an emotional rollercoaster for all of them. They learned that his wife did some things wrong in her past and that this was maybe about her past catching up on her after 45 years.

The only good thing this case provided was that Erin and Jay started to talk normally with each other again during the day while talking with witnesses and following leads although it was of course just about the case. They may had some struggles with their private life due to Erin's weird behaviour, but they were nonetheless able to work together as good as always and didn't show anyone about their private problems.

Jay didn't try to talk to her again throughout the day. It didn't make any sense and they were preoccupied with their case anyway. But when she left the bullpen early in the evening, telling everybody she had something important to deal with, he got worried again. Worried that she would meet someone from her past she better shouldn't meet. Worried that she would go somewhere without back-up. Worried that she would do something stupid.

When he left the bullpen two hours later, he drove straight to her place. They needed to talk. They needed to talk without someone interrupting them and giving her the chance to run away. He went up the stairs and stopped in front of her door, inhaling deeply. Maybe he wasn't ready for whatever was going on, most likely he wouldn't like whatever was going on. But he knew one thing for sure: he'd be there for her no matter what.

After knocking on her door for what felt like five minutes, she finally opened it. She looked miserable, had her hands covered in the big pockets of the hoodie she was wearing and had her hair tied up in a messy ponytail.

″You lost your key?″ she asked him.

″Nope. Didn't think you'd appreciate it when I just walk in here as always,″ Jay shrugged.

″Mhm,″ she nodded.

″Can I come in?″ he asked while scanning her face. She was pale, her eyes looked tired. She didn't say anything but went out of the doorway and let him into her apartment.

″Wanna sit down?″ Erin asked him when they were standing in her living room in an awkward silence.

″I'm fine.″

″Wanna drink something?″ she then asked the man who stood there like some stone, having his arms crossed in front of his chest.

″Damn it Erin! No I don't wanna drink. I want to know what the hell is going on with you again!″ There was no time for small talk and his patience was gone for hours now. He didn't want to waste any more time with talking about nonsense.

″Nothing,″ she shrugged and kept her gaze focused on the wodden pattern of the floor.

″Not this again.″ His voice was hard as he spoke and he slightly shook his head. ″That call you got, who was it? Someone from your past? Are you in trouble?″

″No,″ she just answered.

″Erin talk to me. I'm here and whatever or whoever it is, I'll be with you and help you to get it handled.″

″There's nothing to handle, Jay. I'm fine.″

″You're not. And after last week I really thought we are past the point where you start to build up walls again and retreat into your shell. I'm here Erin, you can rely on me,″ he said quietly as his voice and his eyes softened. Erin bit her lower lip with her teeth and sighed.

″Jay there never was a call,″ she finally admitted.

″Excuse me?″ he asked.

″There never was a call.″

″So you lied to me?″ he asked with a stunned voice, raising his eyebrows.

″Basically,″ she shrugged, still trying to avoid eye-contact with him.

″And why did you do that?″ The sound of his voice let Erin look up to him and she could tell from his eyes that she had once again hurt him.

″Because sometimes things change.″

″What is that supposed to mean?″ he frowned.

″I...it's...complicated. Wait a moment,″ she mumbled, shuffled to her bedroom and came back some seconds later.

″So?″ he asked again, eagerly waiting for her to finally tell him what was going on and why she shut him out of her life once again.

″I just got another proof that my life is one damn accident. That bad things apparently happen to bad people.″ It didn't seem like she wanted to say anything more and Jay started to get more and more annoyed by her talking in secrets and being so distant.

″Erin, WHAT happened?″ Jay dug deeper. He was sick and tired of her dancing around and he wasn't sure how much longer he was able to held his anger back and stay calm. Her distant behaviour bugged and hurt him. Whatever was going on in her life, he wanted to help her, to be there for her, but once again it seemed like she didn't let him.

″This happened,″ she mumbled, pulled something out of her pockets and threw it to him. As he didn't expect it, he only caught it narrowly. His heart started to race in his chest, he felt hot and cold at the same time and had to take a deep breath of air when he glanced at the small white stick in his hand that showed a clear, pink plus in the middle of it...

* * *

 **Well...I had this idea from the moment I started to write this story but I wasn't really sure whether I want to go into this direction now already.  
**

 **Ah, and I know I kept the family dinner quite short, but no worries, I won't forget about Jay's family and they will stay a part of this story and make appearances there and then.**

 **As always, please tell me what you think! :)  
**


	13. Split Decisions

**Hey guys,**

 **thank you so much again for your reviews, they always make my day! :)**

 **Not much more to say, so here comes chapter 13. Don't know whether "enjoy" is the right word here but yeah, enjoy! :D (Flashbacks are in italic, as always).**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **13\. Split Decisions**

″ _So?″ he asked again, eagerly waiting for her to finally tell him what was going on and why she shut him out of her life once again._

″ _I just got another proof that my life is one damn accident. That bad things apparently happen to bad people.″ It didn't seem like she wanted to say anything more and Jay started to get more and more annoyed by her talking in secrets and being so distant._

″ _Erin, WHAT happened?″ Jay dug deeper. He was sick and tired of her dancing around and he wasn't sure how much longer he was able to held his anger back and stay calm. Her distant behaviour bugged and hurt him. Whatever was going on in her life, he wanted to help her, to be there for her, but once again it seemed like she didn't let him._

″ _This happened,″ she mumbled, pulled something out of her pockets and threw it to him. As he didn't expect it, he only caught it narrowly. His heart started to race in his chest, he felt hot and cold at the same time and had to take a deep breath of air when he glanced at the small white stick in his hand that had a clear, pink plus in the middle of it..._

″You're pregnant?″ Jay asked her with the softest of voices and kept his face focused on the confirmation in his hands.

″No. My neighbor is but I thought I show it to you anyway because you might be interested,″ Erin replied and her voice was more than sarcastic.

″Erin,″ he sighed, looked at her and held his hand up pacifying.

″Leave it Jay. Just leave it,″ she snapped.

″Maybe it's just false alarm. Sometimes these tests show a wrong result.″

″And so do the other five I took?″ she asked him with a bitter laughter, pulled another five sticks out of her pocket and threw them at him all at once. He caught one of them and the others fell to the floor with a dull sound. Jay rubbed his face with his hands and tried to sort his thoughts for a moment. He then picked the pregnancy tests up and saw the confirming pink plus on each of them.

He sat down on the couch, still trying to collect his mind, and placed the tests on the coffee table in front of him. Erin also sat down but left some space between them, distanced herself from him.

″How did that happen?″

″Uhm, let me think. Most likely during one of the nights or mornings or whenever else we made love, wouldn't you agree?″ she answered with a bitter laughter.

″That's not what I mean. You take birth control pills...″

″Yes I do. But for whatever reason they apparently stopped working.″

″How far along are you?″ he asked her but still looked at the tests that laid in front of him.

″Don't I know it,″ she shrugged.

″When did you find out?″

″I can't feel but feel like I'm in interrogation.″

″Erin,″ he said loudly and the sound of his voice let her slightly shiver.

″On the morning we left Wisconsin I had the first suspicion after...you know...I suddenly didn't feel well and had to throw up. That was when I started to think and I realized that my monthly friend hasn't visited me in a while...that I was late, like really late. I lied to you because I knew I looked awful and I wanted to be sure first. I took one test yesterday evening already after coming home, two this morning and the other three within one hour when I returned early from work.″

Jay looked at her and only nodded in response while Erin thought back to the morning her life had punched her in the gut once again.

″ _How about I make us some blueberry pancakes? Because I'm really hungry now,″ Jay murmured, still being a bit breathless, and kissed her lips softly._

″ _Damn good idea,″ Erin chuckled, stroking his cheek with her thumb and looking directly into his sparkling blue eyes. ″You need a hand?″_

″ _No, I'll make us some breakfast and you can already start packing or take a shower,″ he winked._

″ _Or I just simply stay in this damn nice bed and enjoy to have it all for me,″ she laughed._

″ _Can't be as nice as when I'm with you,″ he grinned. ″But if you want, do it, we won't make it to Chicago before rush hour anyway, so we kinda have all the time in the world.″_

″ _Awesome,″ she laughed and gave him another kiss before he got up._

″ _I'll call you when everything is ready,″ he said when he was already in the doorway._

″ _You better do,″ Erin said back in response with a cheeky grin on her lips and curled up deeper in her pillows as Jay left her alone. From her current position she had a perfect view through the big windows, saw the bright green leafs of the trees and how they swayed with the soft breeze. Heard the birds going crazy outside. God, she loved this place. Jay has been right when he had said that this was a great place to retire. And the thought of living with him here one day wasn't so much out of this world anymore. Actually, just imagining it made her heart beat a little faster. She sighed and then had to chuckle about herself. When did she become that kind of person? A person who thought about retirement that was around thirty years away? And most of all, a person who imagined to spend the rest of her life with one and the same person. Who wanted to be with this one person forever and always. Without a doubt, Jay Halstead has changed her. He has showed her that there were things in life that are worth fighting for. He was the one man she trusted with her life. The one man who made her feel like she was the only diamond in the world, the only star in the sky._

 _Yes, Erin Lindsay was head over heals in love with the guy who has named a lake after her. She still thought this was kind of crazy but at the same time she was still overpowered by this gesture of love._

″ _Lake Lindsay,″ she said to herself with a bright grin on her face and slightly shook her head while at the same time the sweet smell of blueberry pancakes came into the room. Surprisingly it didn't make her even more hungry but made her stomach turn within one second instead. She sat up in the bed, inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to swallow the sudden upcoming feel of nausea down. But it didn't help at all. The feeling of sickness got even stronger and with one fast move she got out of the bed and ran to the bathroom before it was too late._

 _'Where the hell did that come from?!' Erin thought after she had vomitted into the toilet and cleaned her mouth at the sink. She looked into the mirror and then looked down to her hands that were firmed on the sink. Some minutes ago everything had been perfectly fine. She hadn't felt sick or anything. It had come out of a sudden, completely unexpected. She had felt great all morning, they had made love. They had made love. She lifted her head and looked into the mirror again as the scales fell from her eyes._

″ _No,″ she said and shook her head vehement. ″No,″ she whispered this time, still not being able to allow this thought to creep into her head, still trying to put the pieces together that only led to one conclusion. She tried to remember when her monthly friend has visited her for the last time only to realize that it's been a while, that she couldn't even really remember._

″ _No way. Please, please, please, this didn't happen,″ she told herself again, still shaking her head in disbelief and slowly walked back into the bedroom, grabbed her cell phone and opened her calendar app with trembling fingers. But it didn't bring the relieve she hoped for. She was late. Not only late. Really super late._

″ _Erin, breakfast is ready,″ Jay called up the stairs but she wasn't able to move. Time stood still while she tried to sort her thoughts. How could she have missed for WEEKS that she didn't have her period in a while? And much more important, how could all of this even have happened? Of course nothing was confirmed yet and she needed to take a pregnancy test first but deep inside she knew the result already._

″ _Erin!″ Jay called again._

″ _Yeah, keep cool,″ she yelled back, grabbed her phone and shuffled out of the bedroom and down the stairs._

″Erin you're not a bad person and a baby isn't a bad thing,″ Jay said softly as he remembered the words she'd said some minutes ago and his voice let Erin startle from her memories.

″Isn't it? Because for me it is, Jay.″

″Erin,″ he calmly said, moved closer to her and took her hand in his. ″I know this is huge for you. And I promise you, it's huge for me, too. But I'm here for you and we'll get it handled,″ Jay almost whispered, squeezed her hand and looked directly into her insecure hazel eyes.

″There's nothing to handle Jay,″ she answered and looked down to his hand that held her cold one tightly.

″What?″ he asked and his eyes widened.

″I already made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon,″ she shrugged.

Jay felt his heart dropping to his knees at the sound of her cold and uncaring voice.

″What appointment Erin?″ he dug deeper, waiting for her to speak the words out loud he knew that were coming.

″Don't act like you don't know what I mean. Just don't,″ she said and shook her head.

″I wanna hear you say it.″ His voice was rising but unbelievably hurt at the same time and he let her hand loose.

″Great, if you want it that way. I have an appointment for an abortion,″ she answered and her face didn't show any kind of emotion while he shivered when she spoke these words out loud.

″Erin,″ he said and had to swallow hard.

″Don't. We both know that this is not the right time for me to have a baby. And I doubt there will ever be a right time.″

″You're not alone on that Er. I'm here.″ His voice was suddenly low and soft again and she could see the fear and pain in his eyes. It broke her heart but she didn't have a choice. There was no way she was able to be a mother. Neither now nor ever.

″No Jay,″ she answered, shaking her head. ″I made my decision.″

″Shouldn't this be our decision Erin? Huh? Shouldn't this be our decision?″ he now almost shouted again as he wasn't able to control his anger and his pain any longer.

″This is my body and my life.″

″Really? Because I thought this is our life. And at least it's our baby after all. I'm also part of this.″

″What do you want me to do here Jay, huh?″

″I want us to talk about it Erin.″

″There's nothing to talk about Jay. And I'd honestly prefer to be alone now.″

″You gotta be kidding,″ Jay shook his head and a sarcastic laughter filled the tense atmosphere in her living room.

″Please Jay, go. You were never supposed to even find out about this,″ she quietly said. Jay stared at her in disbelief and for the first time ever he was disgusted by her.

″You wanted to abort our baby, my baby, without telling me about it and then go on like nothing has happened?!″

″If you put it this way, yeah. This is what would have been best.″

″Screw you Erin,″ he said with a voice that was hurt beyond limits, shook his head in disbelief over and over again and ran out of her apartment without looking at her again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Back at his place, Jay vented his spleen on the punching bag for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, he took a cold shower and then went to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge and sat down on the couch, turning the TV on and trying to think about all the things that just have happened and how they would go on as a couple from now. Of course a baby wasn't on their agenda. Neither now, nor in the near future. Of course he wanted to have a family with her one day, wanted her to be the mother of his children but there were still a lot of things they had to work out before. During the past months they've given their relationship all the time it needed to develop on solid grounds, have never rushed anything and that would've been his plan for the future, too. Taking it slow and waiting for the next steps until both of them were actually ready for it. Enjoying the little things they had for a while before aiming for the bigger ones like marriage and starting a family. But aborting this baby because it came as unplanned and surprising as possible? This wasn't the right way. Now that it has happened and Erin was pregnant, he wanted this baby, he wanted them to have this baby, he wanted them to be a family. No matter how much their life would change, no matter how much they would rush things, no matter how many chapters of their life they would skip, no matter how challenging this was going to be.

He thought intensive about all of Erin's words for a little longer. That this wasn't the right time for her to have a baby. And maybe she was right with it. She was a barely recovered drug-addict who still ran away when life got tough, so most likely this wasn't the right time for adding a baby to the mix. Just some weeks ago she had told him that she wasn't even ready to move in with him so there was no way that she was mentally, emotionally or in any other way ready for having a baby. For being a mother. But her decision to kill that little soul that was half him and half her, that was growing inside of her, was something he didn't want her to do, was something that disgusted him. At least he wanted to talk with her about it. Talk about their options, talk about that being a family would not only be challenging but beautiful and telling her that he was there for her and the baby and that they could make it work. Together.

He of course knew Erin was overstrained with the situation and her unplanned pregnancy and made her decision based on her current feelings and emotions. Made her decision too fast and without thinking about the consequences. Made her decision without him. This was what hurt him most but actually it was just her normal reaction, so he shouldn't have been surprised. She ran away. Ran away from reality, ran away from problems and ran away from people who cared about her, ran away to deal with everything on her own. Once again. When especially this one thing was something she shouldn't decide alone. He tried not to think about what would happen to them, if Erin really was going to do that step but as much as he tried to convince himself that they could handle it and would somehow find a way to go on, he knew deep inside that killing their baby would kill their relationship...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay wasn't able to sleep for one second that night. All the time he thought about his son or daughter that was growing inside of Erin's belly and would get killed in some short hours. Just thinking about it let his stomach turn and he even had to vomit several times throughout the night. When he looked in the mirror the following morning, the guy in there looked more dead than alive. He took another cold shower and afterwards felt good enough to pour a cup of black coffee down.

On the way to the district he was so distracted, he almost caused an accident and was only able to avoid a crash in the very last second. He pulled his car over to the side of the street, turned the engine off and inhaled deeply for a few times. If he would keep being that distracted throughout the day, he would most likely end in the ICU of Chicago Med by the evening.

When he pulled out to the street again some minutes later he has made a decision: he would talk to her again. Matter-of-fact. Would ask her for her reasons and would tell her that he wanted them to have this baby.

After arriving in the bullpen fifteen minutes later he felt like luck was on his side as Erin was in the break room, alone, making herself a cup of coffee. Despite Antonio and Mouse, no one was there already anyway. He greeted them and directly walked into the break room, closing the door from the inside. Erin startled and turned around and the second Jay saw her pale face and her red eyes, he knew she hasn't slept for one minute either and had instead cried all night.

″What are you doing here already?″ he asked her and Erin was surprised about the softness of his voice. After last night she didn't expect him to be cool and calm.

″Couldn't sleep,″ she mumbled and sipped on her coffee.

″Me neither,″ Jay admitted while making himself a cup of coffee, too. ″I'm sorry about yesterday evening. For yelling at you and for the things I said...″

″I know,″ she only replied.

″We need to talk, Erin.″

″Jay, I told you yesterday already: there's nothing to talk about,″ she said quietly and kept her gaze focused on the mug in her hands.

″There's a lot to talk about Erin. What if I tell you I want us to have this baby?″ he asked her without dancing around what needed to be said any longer.

″This decision is not on you, Jay. I'm sorry.″

″Erin, what if I tell you I want us to have this baby?″ he asked her again, a lot more emphatic this time but still quiet enough that no one else could here them.

″Nothing would change, Jay. This is not about what you want. It's about what I want because it's my body and my life.″

″Erin, can you please for one second imagine us being a family? Can you please for one second stop thinking about killing our son or daughter who is growing under your heart but imagine us having this baby? Because that's what I do. Because I know we can make it work. Because I want us to have this baby, Erin. I want us to be a family,″ he said and with every word that escaped from his lips he came a little closer to her so that he now stood right in front of her.

″Don't do this to yourself,″ she answered and shook her head. ″Don't imagine things in your head that will never happen. We're not going to have this baby and we're not going to be a family. And I'm sorry if I have to break it to you like this but if you want to have a family and kids then I'm not the right person for it and you better look for someone else,″ she said, but as strong as she tried to be, her voice broke anyway towards the end.

″Erin I don't want anyone but you, don't you realize that by now?″ he asked her quietly and brought his hand up to her face.

″Then you have to accept my decision. I can't be a mother, Jay. I can't.″

″You can. Just two weeks you were so amazing with Noah. You're amazing with kids every day. And I'm here Erin and I promise I always will be. We will make this work.″

″No, we won't,″ she answered, shook her head and went some steps back from him.

″Is this your last word?″ Jay asked her and the pain in his voice and his eyes almost broke her heart once again.

″It is,″ she nodded in response. ″I want you to know that I love you Jay. And that I haven't laughed so much or felt so good as in the last months in a very long time, never have to be honest. But you don't have to accept my decision and if you can't live with it, I'll give you free to find someone who can give you all the things you want.″

Jay looked at her for one last time, saw how her eyes were filled with tears she didn't let fall, then shook his head, turned around and left her alone in the break room. He went straight down the stairs and inhaled some deep breaths of the fresh summer air when he was outside of the precinct. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and when he felt at least a little calmer again, he went back inside to start working on a day that was for sure one of the most difficult ones in his life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay didn't even try to talk to Erin again throughout the day and as she already left in the early afternoon, telling everyone she had another appointment at the doctor due to the pneumonia she had some weeks ago, he was partnered up with Antonio anyway. Only thinking about the fact that Erin was now at her gynecologist, killing their baby, made his heart ache, but he tried his best to act normal in front of his team mate. They were even able to already close the case by the early evening and Hank sent them all home early but Jay voluntered to inform the victim's husband that they've found her killer.

He was in the locker room, changing his shirt and shoes, when Antonio joined him.

″Is everything okay with you?″ he asked his younger friend.

″Yeah, sure,″ Jay answered, slipping into his shirt.

″Sure?″ Antonio echoed and raised his eyebrows.

″Antonio, I'm good, okay? But thanks for asking,″ he said, giving his colleague a pat on his shoulder.

″The thing is, you don't look like you're okay or good or anything, Jay. I don't think I've ever seen you like today before.″

″It's complicated,″ Jay sighed.

″You wanna talk about it?″

″No. Not now at least.″

″Okay,″ Antonio answered. ″But if you want to talk somewhen, I'm around brother.″

″Thank you. Really,″ Jay said and forced a smile.

″You want me to join you with informing Mr. Carter?″

″No, you don't have to. Didn't you say Diego and Eva are in town this week? You should enjoy your early quitting time with them.″

″Okay. They talked me into skating, so I guess I have no excuse for not doing it now,″ he laughed.

″Don't break yourself anything,″ Jay also laughed and gave Antonio another pat on the back.

″Will try my best,″ he answered as he walked past him.

″You better do. Enjoy it.″

″I will, thanks,″ Antonio grinned and left the younger detective alone in the locker room. The moment Jay was alone again, the forced smile fell from his face. He grabbed the keys of the 300, walked out of the precinct, sat into the car and made his way to Mr. Carter's house to inform the old man that his wife's killer was now where he belonged.

Half an hour later, he stood in front of the nice little house and knocked on the door. It took some moments, but then the old man opened the door.

″Detective...Halstead, right?″ he greeted him.

″Right. Mr. Carter, may I come in? I have some good news for you.″

″Of course, of course,″ he said and let him into his house. ″Sit down already,″ he told Jay and went to the kitchen. Some minutes later her came back with a plate full of cookies and a cup of coffee.

″Thank you,″ Jay said as he placed the coffee in front of him.

″You look like you need it,″ Mr. Carter said and Jay felt how he scanned him.

″Uhm, yeah, maybe,″ he answered and tried to smile.

″Where's your beautiful partner today?″

″She...had...to do some other stuff,″ he said. ″Mr. Carter, I'm here because I wanted to tell you that we got your wife's murderer,″ Jay explained.

″Did you?″ the old man asked and Jay could see tears forming in his eyes behind his glasses.

″Yes, we have. And he will never see the daylight again.″

″Thank you,″ he mumbled and grabbed for Jay's hand while tears slid down his face. ″Thank you detective.″

″It's our job,″ Jay said and also touched the old man's hand while explaining him why his wife was murdered and how the grandson of her complice from 45 years ago had found out about the doings of his grandfather and Mrs. Carter and now wanted to have part of the money and had simply shot her in the head as she didn't gave him what he wanted as she didn't even have the money anymore. Because she had somewhen regretted the things she had done and had turned herself in at one point, giving all the money back to its belongers.

″I'm sorry that she had to die like this,″ Jay said at the end.

″I was always afraid that something like this would happen one day. Because your past never forgets. But we had a good life and she died knowing I loved her. And that's most important for me.″

Jay only nodded in response and then got up from his chair to make himself ready for leaving.

″Detective,″ Mr. Carter said as he shook hands with Jay for saying goodbye. ″I don't want to be rude, but you don't look too good today. Is everything okay with you?″

″No,″ Jay sighed, being surprised by his honesty towards the old man. ″Not by a long shot.″

″Do you want to talk about it?″

″It's just...my girlfriend made a decision that I'm not okay with. That I don't understand.″

″Your girlfriend is your partner you've been here with yesterday, right?″

″How do you know?″

″I'm quite good with these kind of things,″ Mr. Carter smiled. ″Detective, I don't know what's going on in your life and it's none of my business and I also don't know whether you want to hear my advice, but let me tell you one thing. In our early years, when we haven't even been married, my wife made a lot of decisions I wasn't okay with. A lot of decisions I didn't understand. But I've always accepted them. I supported her with every decision she made because she always had her reasons although I didn't always know them or she didn't always exactly tell them. I was there for her because in the end of the day I loved her and that was all that mattered to me. She was the love of my life and all she needed to know was that I was there for her whenever she needed me, that she could rely on me no matter what and that I would never judge her for the decisions she made. Of course it affected our together life but the decisions she made were important for her very own life and so they were important for me. We don't always understand the things other people do, Detective, but we don't always have to. Sometimes all we need to do is accepting it no matter how hard it is. Because in the end, these are the situations where our partners need us most and where we can show that we really, truly love them.″

Jay looked at the old man, who gave him a warm and smiling glance, and let his words sink in for a minute.

″I think...I have to think about this,″ he then spluttered.

″Of course, think about it and then make the right decision for yourself,″ the old man winked.

″Uhm...I guess...thank you.″

″No Detective, I have to thank you. For everything you and your team members did to catch my wife's murderer. Now she can rest in peace.″

″I wish you all the best, Mr. Carter,″ Jay said and shook his hand yet again.

″That's what I wish you, too, Detective Halstead,″ he answered and gave Jay another smile before he turned around and left the old widower alone to directly drive to this one place where he needed to be now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

During the drive to Erin's place, he tried to call her several times but she never picked up. When he finally arrived at her apartment, he knocked on the door a few times but as nobody opened, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and opened the door.

″Erin?″ he called, but no one answered. He checked out every room only to realize that she wasn't there. He left her apartment again and sat down in his car in front of the building, thinking where she could be, to which place she would go if she wanted to be alone. It took him only some seconds to figure out where she was. He pulled out on the street and drove directly into the direction of Grant Park.

Some fifteen minutes later he walked through the park towards their favorite spot and saw her sitting there already from afar. He took some deep breaths of air and then walked straight to the woman who was leaning against the big tree trunk and was watching the sailing boats on the water. Erin turned her head around when she saw a shadow coming closer and looked quite surprised when her gaze met the one of Jay.

″How did you know I was here?″ she asked him and pulled the headphones out of her ears.

″Where else would you be?″ he asked her in response.

″Anywhere,″ she shrugged and turned her head to the boats and the water again. ″What are you doing her though?″

″I wanted to talk to you.″

″Jay..-″ Erin started but he interrupted her immediately as there were some things in his mind and on his heart he wanted to tell her so badly right now.

″No. Erin, listen. I don't want to reduce our relationship to this one decision. You did what you had to do. But I want to be a part of your life nonetheless. Because I love you. You did what was the right thing for you to do and I accept that and I want us to be together anyway. You're my life Erin and you always will be. With or without kids,″ he said, sat down right next to her and took her hand in his. He saw tears sliding down her cheeks and she inhaled and exhaled deeply some times and then turned her head around to him so her tear-stained eyes met his. She wiped her tears away with the hand Jay wasn't holding before she spoke out the words that were going to change their life forever.

″I didn't do it,″ she said with barely no voice. ″I couldn't. Not again...″

* * *

 **As always, reviews are appreciated as I like to know what you think. Thanks! :)**


	14. Together We Are Strong

**Thank you all so much for the response on my last chapter! I know you're all curious when she'd done it the first time and I hope you like the outcome of this chapter. I'm aware that this is a sensitive topic but for me, this was always something I imagined that might could have happened in her past, that's why I made it a part of this story.**

 **Flashbacks are in italic and I still own nada.**

* * *

 **14\. Together We Are Strong**

″ _Erin Lindsay,″ one of the nurses in her doctor's office called. Erin got up from the chair where she's been sitting for the past twenty minutes and walked towards the nurse who held the door of one of the examination rooms open._

″ _Here's a gown and you can change your clothes right there,″ she said when they were inside and handed Erin the all too familar gown and pointed to a curtain in the corner of the room._

″ _Thank you.″_

″ _Dr. Hanson will be here in some minutes,″ the nurse then explained and left Erin alone. She undressed herself, slipped into the gown and then sat down on the edge of the examination table, waiting for her doctor to finally come so she could leave all of this behind her. After fifteen more endless minutes, Dr. Hanson finally entered the room._

″ _Ms. Lindsay, sorry for the delay,″ she said and reached for Erin's hand to shake it._

″ _No problem,″ Erin answered and watched her doctor sitting down on her desk, typing something into her computer and making some notes on a chart that laid on her desk._

″ _So, you're here today because you don't want to keep the baby you're carrying, am I right?″_

″ _Yes,″ she answered and nodded._

″ _When did you find out you're pregnant?″_

″ _Three days ago.″_

″ _And your pregnancy has already been confirmed by a doctor at Med or something?″ she asked and looked up from her computer to Erin for the first time._

″ _I took six tests at home and they all came back positive, I don't think I need any more confirmation,″ Erin answered dryly._

″ _Alright, then we have to do a routine check-up first,″ she said and got up from her chair, crossing the room towards Erin._

″ _What? Why? Can't we just simply...get this done?″ she mumbled and nervously rubbed her palms that laid in her lap._

″ _No Ms. Lindsay, we can't just simply get this done. We first have to do an ultrasound to make sure that this isn't an ectopic pregnancy or something and then we can go on from there. Would you please lay down?″_

 _Erin inhaled deeply and then laid down on the examination table, putting her feet into the stirrups while she stared up to the white ceiling._

″ _May I ask you why you decided for an abortion? For me, you never seemed like a person who would do something like this, so I was quite surprised when I saw your name and the reason why you're coming in my calender yesterday,″ Dr. Hanson said as she set some adjustments at the ultrasound machine._

″ _Because this is not the right time for me to have a baby and some people in general shouldn't and can't be mothers. And I'm one of them.″_

″ _Does this baby have a father?″_

″ _No. No, it was conceived without one, magically,″ Erin answered and didn't even try to hide a sarcastic undertone._

″ _Let me say it different: do you have a partner or was this an accident?″_

″ _I have a partner but it was an accident nonetheless. I don't even know how this could have happened,″ Erin sighed._

″ _Does he know about all of this?″_

″ _Yes he does. Why do you even want to know all of this?″ she asked._

″ _Because it's my job. I want to know what's going on and I want to be sure that you're fully aware of the decision you make,″ Dr. Hanson said and gave Erin a meaningful glance._

″ _Fine. As you now checked all of this can we please get this done?″ She just wanted this nightmare to be over and the last thing she wanted right now was thinking about Jay and his reaction when she had told him that there wasn't the future for them in store he used to dream about. She has anyway thought about that so much already._

″ _Sure, get ready,″ Dr. Hanson said and held the transvaginal wand up, making Erin feel more uncomfortable than she already was. She closed her tired eyes and quietly winced as she felt the wand entering her body._

″ _Here we go,″ her doctor said, but Erin kept her gaze focused on the ceiling, even turned her head away to the other direction and stared to the desk._

″ _No ectopic pregnancy, everything looks perfectly fine. You have a healthy baby there. Do you want to take a look?″_

 _Erin exhaled a long breath. She has still hoped that all the tests had shown a wrong result although she has known deep inside that they didn't._

″ _No I don't. So can we please...-″ she said quietly and felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes._

″ _...just get this done? Yes I know Erin, this is all you care about right now. But let me check one last thing.″_

″ _Whatever,″ Erin sighed and closed her eyes again, hoping that everything would be over by the time she opened them again._

 _And then there it was: this one noise, that let her freeze and shiver and took her memories back to sixteen years ago and even let one single tear fall from her eyes._

 _'Woosh-woosh, woosh-woosh.'_

 _The soft and steady heartbeat of her baby. The definite proof that a little human being was growing inside of her, that this was real. More tears formed in her eyes when she thought back to the last time she had heard this noise and how it was gone after the procedure was done, how silent the room was when they did a control ultrasound afterwards. It had been the right decision back then, she was fifteen and had problems all over the place, but as she now listened to her baby's rhythmic heartbeat and also remembered all of the things Jay had said she wasn't sure anymore whether it was the right decision now. Could and should she be a mother? In her opinion not. But did this make it a right decision? She was in a stable relationship after all. She loved Jay and she knew the same applied to him. He was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, the man she planned her future with although these plans have never really included having children. At least for her._

 _Slowly and kinda scared of what she would see, Erin turned her head around and glanced to the black-and-white screen that clearly showed the profile of her baby. Jay's baby. Hers and Jay's baby. The baby she and the man she loved more than anything else in this world have created. And no later than she also saw the baby's heart beating, she knew for sure she wasn't able to do this. To abort their baby. To kill their baby. She swallowed hardly and did her best not to let the tears fall that welled in her eyes while she glanced at the screen and also thought about Jay's words from earlier this day again. When he had told her that he wanted them to be a family. How his emphatic words had affected her ever since. How she had tried to push the thought away of having this baby afterwards because she simply couldn't be a mother. No matter how much Jay obviously wanted to be a father. Because only the thought about being a mother scared the hell out of her. But now, as she saw her baby and heard its heart beating there was no way that she was going to do what she had planned to do and what she had told and assured herself over and over again would be the best to do ever since finding out she was pregnant._

 _Dr. Hanson looked at her patient's reaction but didn't say anything, just waited for her to say something as soon as she would be ready for it._

″ _How old?″ Erin asked when she finally found her voice again that was still crackier than she thought it would be._

″ _Well, given the size of the baby I'd say around nine to ten weeks,″ she smiled, turned the wand a bit and then carefully removed it._

″ _Ten weeks?!″ Erin echoed and her eyes widened in disbelief._

″ _Yeah, looks like it.″_

″ _How could I have missed that?″ she asked and shook her head, still not being able to believe that she's been pregnant for the last ten weeks without noticing anything. Of course lots of things had happened these past weeks. Her long-term illness, her nearly-break-up with Jay, going to New York and then going to Wisconsin for their vacation._

″ _The human body has its ways to keep a secret. Was anything different these past weeks?″_

″ _No, absolutely not. Not until I had to throw up in the morning some days ago. I mean, I was often tired and slept a lot but I never paid special attention to it,″ she answered while putting her feet out of the stirrups._

″ _What about your period?″_

″ _The morning I felt sick for the first time, I realized I was late. I often am due to stress but that morning I realized I've never been that late. Plus, I had a bad pneumonia some weeks ago and was on high-dosed antibiotics for more than three weeks, so I thought that messed up the regular rhythm somehow. And I thought being so tired all the time is the aftermath of my pneumonia in general. I never considered the possibility of being pregnant.″_

″ _You were on high-dosed antibiotics?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows. ″Did you sleep with your partner during that time? Because then we would have the answer to your how-could-that-happen.″_

″ _I wasn't even able to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen without having the feeling to suffocate. So the answer is no,″ Erin said but her head kept on working on putting the pieces together. Nine to ten weeks. The antibiotics were the solution why her birth control pills had stopped working, so it took her only some seconds to figure out that there was only one possibility left. The one night on the couch when they had celebrated their 6-month-anniversary._

″ _Uhm...so...I was sick and my partner's brother, who is a doctor, gave me some very light antibiotics. I took them only two times that day and in the evening...you know. The following day I had my accident, they found out I have a bad pneumonia and I was then on high-dosed antibiotics for three weeks afterwards,″ she said, pressing her hand against her forehead._

″ _Guess you have your answer there,″ Dr. Hanson winked._

″ _This can't be possible,″ Erin answered and shook her head vehement._

″ _Miracles happen, Erin.″_

″ _Apparently they do,″ she sighed and sat up._

″ _Listen Erin, I'm not going to do an abortion today because I saw your reaction when you heard your baby's heartbeat and I really don't think that you thought about the consequences of your decision let alone that you really considered the possibility of keeping the baby. I want you to think about this for one night, maybe talk to your partner and we will make a new appointment for tomorrow. Then we will either do the abortion or I'll give you some prenatal vitamin pills and we'll discuss how things will go on, okay?″_

″ _Mhm,″ Erin nodded in response._

″ _Do you want to have a print of the sonogram?″_

″ _Maybe,″ Erin shrugged and with this answer, Dr. Hanson already knew that the young woman in front of her wouldn't come back for an abortion the following day._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Again?″ Jay asked her and immediately squeezed her hand a little tighter as he knew another chapter of her past would come up that she obviously wasn't able to share with him until yet, forgetting for a second that she also just had said that she hasn't aborted their baby.

″Yeah,″ she whispered and looked at him as more tears fell from her eyes. Once again she inhaled deeply to calm herself down and to prepare herself to share this part of her past with the man who deserved to know about it. The man who would have stayed with her even if she had aborted their baby. The man who loved her so much that he had accepted her decision although he'd clearly wanted something different. The man who would always be there for her and never leave her side no matter what. The man whose baby she was carrying under her heart.

″Some weeks before Hank and Camille took me in, I found out I was pregnant,″ she started and cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder. ″I was fifteen and a baby was the last thing I needed in my life. Bunny was on her hundreth or so rehab and there was Teddy I had to take care of. We didn't even have money for food, so of course I knew that there was no chance to afford the money for an abortion.″

″Why didn't you ask Hank?″

″I never begged Hank for anything, except the one time Bunny's boyfriend almost beat all of us to death. That was the only time I called him because I was afraid he'd kill us. The other times he just checked by, left some food or asked me for some information as I was his CI and left some money in return so I was able to buy food. I never asked him for money and asking for help wasn't easy for me back then already. In addition he always helped me enough by keeping me out of lock-up after stealing booze or whatever else I did to forget the drama around me for a minute. So after finding out I was pregnant I knew that I needed to find a way to end the pregnancy and without money there weren't many possibilities. I went to some friends, drank almost a bottle of vodka there, took some pills and cocaine and hoped that I would force a miscarriage. Of course I had an overdose and although my friends were high, too, they were still able to call an ambulance when I collapsed. The next thing I remember is how I woke up in the hospital and Hank sat on the side of my bed, looking deeply worried. He told me that the doctors had found his card in one of my pockets and had therefore called him. The funny thing is, this overdose almost killed me, but the baby was still there. And Hank knew about it as the doctors had told him. He then told me that I was already thirteen weeks pregnant. I started to cry because all of this was too much for me and then he took my hand and told me that we were going to find a solution,″ Erin said and swallowed the lump that built up in her throat all the time. ″The next day he came and told me that he knows a doctor who owes him a favor and so we went there after I've been discharged from the hospital. Before the doctor did it, he made an ultrasound and I saw the baby and heard its heartbeat although I got a sedative before that should've made me asleep. And when he did another ultrasound after everything was done, my uterus was empty again and the baby was gone and the room was filled with silence. I then moved in with Hank, Camille and Justin some weeks later.″

″The baby...was it Charlie's?″ Jay quietly asked without even knowing why out of all the things he could and should have said right now, he asked her this.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged.

″You don't know?″ he echoed.

″Jay, I did many things that I'm not proud of. You know that because you saw my file. But I did everything to keep Teddy safe, to provide him the childhood he deserved, to get food on the table for him and to keep the heaters in our apartment on so we wouldn't freeze to death during the cold Chicago winters. And that sometimes meant I had to cross the line to get the things we needed. So maybe it was Charlie's. Or maybe it was one of the other two guys's.″ Erin said and Jay slightly shivered by the thought that fragile, teenage Erin had slept with old, disgusting men to take care of her family. But on the other hand, he wasn't surprised about the things she had done for her brother, because this was how Erin was: she always thought about others first and not herself and she always gave everything for the people she loved, even if that meant she had to cross lines and do things no one should have to do, especially not a 15-year-old girl. Now it also made much more sense why she was into drugs and alcohol as a teen. Not because she was an addict in first place, but because this stuff helped her to forget, helped her to stand the things she had to do and then slowly but steady made her addicted.

″I hope you don't blame me for this,″ she almost whispered as he didn't answer anything.

″I don't.″

″Also with the baby...I was so desperate as I knew I wasn't able to raise a child. I had Teddy and I was pretty good in taking care of him...but a baby? Punish an innocent baby with birthing it into my life, into my world? That it would eventually have the same future in store that I thought I have? No,″ she whispered and shook her head. ″No one did deserve that. And there was so much other stuff I had to deal with...it just wasn't an option to keep it.″

″Hey Er,″ he said and softly grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″You did the right thing back then.″

″Mhm,″ she mumbled. ″But it wasn't the right thing this time. Jay, when I heard the baby's heartbeat and then saw it on the screen...I couldn't do it...The things you said...I want us to make this work, too. I want us to have this baby. Our baby. I mean...we'll get it handled, won't we?″ she asked him shyly and he could see the fear in her beautiful hazel eyes.

″Of course we do, Erin. Because together we are strong,″ he said, brushed a strand of her dirty blonde hair out of her face and placed a soft kiss on her temple.

″We are,″ she agreed.

″Last week I told you that I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. And although we don't know why this unplanned surprise is now changing our life completely, I'm sure there is a reason.″

″Mhm,″ she only mumbled again.

″Erin?″ he asked and continued speaking as she looked at him. ″You know I would've accepted your decision and I would've stayed with you even if you had done it...but what I don't understand and can't accept is why you wanted to do it without telling me...without talking about it with me before...″ he said and the moment he had finished talking she immediately lowered her head and looked down to their Hands, his stil holding hers.

″I was overstrained...and scared...and based on that I made the wrong decision,″ she spluttered and then took a deep breath. ″I thought telling you about it would make it real...and I wasn't able to accept that this has really happened. I thought I made the right decision and I knew this decision would hurt you and would break your heart. But I didn't want to hurt you or break your heart because you don't deserve that so I thought it's the best when you don't know about it. But in the end I hurt you anyway...because that's what I always do and always did...I hurt the people who care about me...that's who I am...″ she said and towards the end her voice broke and tears streamed down her face again.

″Erin,″ he sighed and wiped her tears away with his thumb, covering her cheek with his palm. For a moment he thought about what he was going to say as he didn't know what to think about this. On the one hand he was still hurt that she hadn't talked to him in first place, especially after everything they've been through during the last months. But on the other hand it was kind of sensitive from her that she had wanted to protect him from the pain the abortion inevitably would have caused.

″Your intentions were...kind. But it was my right to know.″

″I know, Jay. And I'm sorry. I should've talked with you.″

Jay only nodded in response and for some minutes that sat there in complete silence, just listening to the wind.

″You wanna see something?″ she then asked him, her voice still being a bit insecure, and a weak smile rushed over her face.

″Sure,″ he answered, being quite curious about what she was going to show him. She grabbed her bag, pulled out a black-and-white photo and handed it to him. His heart literally jumped in his chest and a bright smile appeared on his face when he saw the first photo of their baby.

″This is awesome,″ he grinned after some moments. ″I mean, you can already tell that this is a baby. At least almost,″ he laughed and still wasn't able to gaze anywhere else but the photo.

″Yeah, that's because it's already nine to ten weeks old.″

Jay looked up from the photo and into his girlfriend's face and another short smile rushed over her lips when she saw his surprised glance.

″Did you just say nine to ten weeks?″

″Yep,″ she nodded.

″Wait a second...Didn't you have your pneumonia around nine or ten weeks ago?″

″Well, you got that faster than I did. And you know what the funny thing is about antibiotics combined with birth control? One of them stops working while the other one works. Even when they're just light ones and you just take them twice a day for only one day and then sleep with your boyfriend because you celebrate your 6-month-anniversary,″ she answered all dry.

″Wow...that's...nice. I mean, am I a man or what?″ he laughed.

″Yeah, congrats Jay. You had one hot shot and you knocked me right up with it.″

″Oh come on Er, it's kinda funny.″

″Is it?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″A little,″ he chuckled. ″And you know what's funny, too? That our baby was conceived on that one couch you needed a couch-guy for which was basically the start for all of this.″

″Yeah, I thought about that. Maybe I need a new one again, because who knows what else this couch will do to us.″

″Oh no, I really like your couch,″ he winked. ″On another note: does having a baby belong into the category of baby-steps we decided to take not so long ago?″

″Don't even mention it,″ she sighed.

″Okay,″ Jay simply answered and got up from the floor, reaching out for her hand. ″Come on, lets get you home,″ he smiled and pulled her up when she grabbed his hand.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They went home to Erin's place, ordered some Italian food and later ate in almost complete silence as the realization, that they were really going to be a family, slowly started to hit them. They didn't exactly talk about it for the rest of the evening, just laid on her couch together, watching TV. When they later laid in bed, with Jay having his arm loosely wrapped around Erin's waist, none of them was able to sleep. They both still had to deal with the happenings of the day and with the thoughts how their life was going to change in the next few months.

″We're going to have a baby,″ Erin somewhen said into the darkness, still trying to convince herself that this was real and not only some weird dream. Or nightmare.

″We're going to have a baby,″ Jay echoed and pulled her closer to his body.

″Jay, I'm scared,″she then whispered with barely no voice what made it hard for Jay to even understand her.

″I know, Er. But there's no reason for it. You're not alone, I'm here and I know that we can do this. That you can do this.″

″Mhm,″ she mumbled but Jay knew she was anything but convinced. ″I need to go to Dr. Hanson again tomorrow evening. Uhm...would you...would you maybe come with me?″ she asked him and her voice sounded shy and insecure.

Jay sighed and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her head.

″Erin look at me,″ he said and she slowly rolled over. Although the room was in complete darkness, he knew that she was looking directly into his eyes, her face only centimeters away from his. He brought his hand up from her waist to her face and softly stroked her cheek with his thumb.

″When I promised you yesterday that I'll be there for you and the baby, I meant it. But I will promise you again, just because it doesn't harm when you hear it again: I will be there for you and the baby no matter what. We'll go every step of this together because we're in this together. I will brush your hair out of your face when you have to throw up. Well, in case you let me. But however, I will do it. I will go to every doctor's appointment with you if you want me to be with you. I will visit birthing classes with if you even want to attend them and I will be in the delivery room with you. And in this case I really don't care whether you want me to be there or not because I will be there,″ he grinned.

″Jay, I know what you want to tell me but let's please get back to one step at a time okay? Because right now I'm not quite ready to think further ahead than that appointment tomorrow,″ she admitted with a low voice. Of course she knew for 100 percent sure that Jay would never break his promise. But all in all this was still too much for her to handle right now and maybe that was the reason why she needed to hear it over and over again. Because hearing him say that he would always be there for her gave her a little comfort while her mind was still full of insecurity. While she hoped they would really make it work as a family, that their baby wouldn't have to grow up in a broken family like she did and that they could provide their baby the childhood she never had. While she still feared she would be just as bad as Bunny as a mother.

″I got you,″ Jay answered and placed a kiss on her forhead.

″Thank you,″ Erin whispered, laid her head down on his chest and snuggled deeper into his embrace, letting him hold her tightly because that was what she needed so much right now. That he was just there for her and gave her the feeling that somehow everything was going to be okay although she still struggled, not with her decision to keep the baby, but with her pregnancy and all the consequences and big changes for their life in general.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following day at work was kind of weird for both of them. Jay actually wanted to grin all day because the thought of becoming a father grew on him really fast and made him unbelievably happy. But at the same time, Erin's struggles and unhappiness with the whole situation made it hard for him to be really happy about the exciting things that were going to happen in their life. Of course this was huge for him, too, but he knew that things for her were a whole lot different and that she was not ready for anything of this because there were still so many other things that should normally get fixed first, before adding a baby to their life. And he knew of course that she was scared about becoming a mother and having a baby not only because she had admitted it last night. He had some vague ideas what her fears were all about. That it was mostly because she thought she couldn't be a mother because her own mother was anything but a role-model.

But he would give her all the time until she was actually ready to talk with him about the reasons why she was so scared and why she wanted to abort their baby in first place as well as he would give her all the time to grow into her new role. It would surely take some time until she'd feel completely comfortable with the whole situation but he was sure that they would make it work and that Erin would be an amazing mother as soon as she'd stop to doubt herself and her life.

It was a boring day in the bullpen as no new case showed up, so all they did was tons of paper work and talking about the team building event in New Buffalo the whole team had to go to on the following weekend. As the evening came closer, Hank even sent them all home early to enjoy the rest of this hot summer day somewhere by the lake or at the pool or whatever each of them wanted to do.

Erin and Jay went to eat some ice cream, took a little stroll in a park close by and then went to Doctor Hanson's office. As they had gotten the last possible appointment that evening, they didn't even have to wait and were instead allowed to directly take a seat in the examination room where Erin has been 24 hours prior already.

″Hey, everything is fine,″ Jay said as they sat down at Dr. Hanson's desk and as he could see that she was quite nervous. He softly stroked her knee and then laid his hand on top of hers, that was resting on her thigh.

″Yeah,″ she only nodded and in the same moment, Dr. Hanson walked into the room, took her seat adverse the two of them and smiled at the couple.

″So I guess you made your decision?″ she asked, glancing at Erin.

″I did,″ she nodded and inhaled deeply. ″I want to keep the baby. We want to keep the baby,″ she then added and looked to Jay who squeezed her hand a little tighter.

″Glad to hear that, Erin. So I assume you are the father?″ Dr. Hanson asked and reached for Jay's hand to shake it.

″I am, Jay Halstead,″ he introduced himself.

″Nice to meet you, Mr. Halstead,″ she smiled. ″Well, I guess the first thing I'm going to say is: congratulations.″

″Thank you,″ Jay said.

″Thank you,″ Erin also mumbled.

″As we only did a short ultrasound yesterday, we're doing another one today to messure the baby and to calculate the due date. And so you can also see the baby live, Mr. Halstead,″ she winked.

″That's great,″ he grinned and his heart flipped by this thought.

″And no worries Erin, we can do the ultrasound via your stomach this time as the baby is big enough already,″ she explained as she saw that her patient's face was anything but excited about the thought of another ultrasound.

″That's good.″

″Okay, so you can lay down over there already and after everything is done I will give you some prenatal vitamins and you can ask me all the questions you have.″

They both nodded and Erin walked over to the examination table, pulled her jeans and panties down a bit and her shirt up, revealing her flat, trained stomach that wouldn't look like that too much longer.

″This can be a little cold now,″ Dr. Hanson warned her and squirted the gel on Erin's bare stomach. Jay took Erin's hand in his as Dr. Hanson placed the wand on her belly and then brought her hand up to his lips to place a soft kiss on it.

″Alright, here we go,″ Dr. Hanson said as the screen flickered and their baby, not bigger than a cherry, appeared.

″You can see the heart beating here,″ Dr. Hanson explained and pointed to the baby's fastly beating heart. Erin turned her head around to see Jay's reaction and what she saw made her heart burst. He stared at the screen in full fascination and the brightest of smiles was on his face. That kind of smile she had seen last week on the one photo in Wisconsin, where he was pictured with his grandfather. That kind of smile she hasn't seen on his face until yet. She couldn't help but had to smile with him for a moment.

″This is incredible,″ Jay smiled and wasn't able to turn his head away from the screen.

″As I told you yesterday already, the baby looks perfectly fine for this stage of your pregnancy,″ she said and turned the wand a bit. ″And as I now messured the baby exactly it looks like you're really at ten weeks already.″

″Still can't believe that,″ Erin sighed and looked to Jay again.

″At least we now know why you've been such a sleepy head lately,″ he winked and this cute little grin still surrounded his lips.

″Yeah, looks like I didn't recognize all the signs until I had to throw up some days ago,″ Erin answered pensivly.

″You have no idea how often this happens,″ Dr. Hanson laughed. ″So, do you guys have anything planned for January 26th 2017?″ she then smiled.

″January 26th? Not yet,″ Jay grinned.

″Good, because you might have a date with the delivery room on that day.″

″Awesome,″ Jay laughed but stopped when he saw Erin's insecure facial expressions.

″It's only the estimated due date given the current size of your baby and the dates you gave me, Erin. But everything around one or two weeks ahead or after the 26th could be the day you're baby will be born, because only 4% of all babies are born on their actual due date,″ she explained and handed Erin a paper towel to clean her stomach. ″Erin, are you okay?″ Dr. Hanson then asked the young woman who still seemed anything but excited about the news she just had gotten.

″Yeah, I am. I just need some time to deal with...all of this,″ Erin answered, pulled her panties and jeans up, closed the button, pulled her shirt down and then sat up.

″Alright, let's go over to the desk again,″ she said and guided the two of them to the other side of the room where they all took their seats again.

″Do you guys have any questions?″

Jay immediately wanted to ask this one question that was on his mind ever since he knew that they'd keep the baby, but Erin was faster with her one.

″What about all the things I did these past ten weeks? The meds I took and the alcohol I drank?″

″What happened, happened Erin. You should just abstain from alcohol from now on of course. In case you get sick, you need special meds that wouldn't harm the baby. And coffee isn't too good as well.″

″Really? I don't know how to survive my day without coffee,″ Erin sighed.

″It would be good if you could learn it,″ Dr. Hanson said, giving her an encouraging smile. ″Or maybe you can try decaf instead,″ she added.

″Decaf? That's not the same.″

″Well, that's the point, Erin.″

″Okay, I'll try,″ she shrugged. ″What about the morning sickness?″

″Well, you can consider yourself really lucky that you only got that now. Because it will most likely go away within the next two weeks.″

″Two more weeks of having to throw up every morning is long enough,″ she said, not trying to hide the complaining undertone in her voice.

″I'll give you some prenatal vitamins, sometimes they help.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded in response.

″Do you have any more questions?″ Dr. Hanson asked.

″No,″ Erin replied, shook her head and stood up from her chair, ready to leave Dr. Hanson's office. Jay gazed at her in disbelief for a second and then foiled her plans.

″Uhm...I have one,″ he said.

″Go ahead,″ Dr. Hanson encouraged him.

″What about work? I mean, our jobs are far away from just sitting behind a desk.″

″You're a cop, too?″

″I am. We're partners and working in the Intelligence Unit can be quite dangerous sometimes,″ he explained and saw how Erin looked at him as if she wanted to kill him.

″You guys have of course to tell your boss and then the decision is on him. From the medical point of view there's nothing that keeps you from doing your work just as always. As long as your vest fits and as long as you feel good and safe with the things you do,″ she said and gave Erin a meaningful glance while Jay had to swallow. This wasn't the answer he was hoping for.

″But as I said, this decision is not on me,″ she said again.

″Good. Can we go then Jay or do you have any more questions?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows while looking at him.

″No, I'm fine,″ he answered shortly, giving her the same glance back that she gave him.

″Okay, so you're next appointment would be in six weeks. In case you need anything earlier, you can always come to my office or to Med as I have on-call-duty there several times throughout the week.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said as she shook Dr. Hanson's hand for goodbye.

″Uhm...yeah...thank you,″ Jay also said and followed Erin who was already leaving the room.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They drove home to Erin's apartment in silence and avoided the conversation both knew was coming. Erin kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to talk about it and Jay kept his mouth shut because he didn't want to pick up a fight in the car. But as soon as they had passed the threshold of her apartment, Jay couldn't hold it back any longer.

″So?″ he asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

″So what?″ she asked and went to the kitchen, filling her glass with water like she didn't know and didn't care what he was talking about.

″Don't do that,″ he said harshly.

″Do what?″ she replied, rolling her eyes.

″You know exactly what I mean, Erin. Why did you want to leave Dr. Hanson's office without asking her the most important question of all?″

″Jay, you asked her anyway, so what's your point here?″

″My point is that you obviously don't care about the safety of our baby. That you want to go on like nothing changed.″

″Well, you heard her Jay. I am allowed to go on and work as always for the time being,″ she answered and sipped on her water.

″And this is what you're going to do? Ignoring your pregnancy? Ignoring the fact that there is our baby's heart beating under your heart? Risking not only your life every day but also our baby's? Is this what you want, Er?″ he asked her and had to control his voice from rising.

″Don't make such a drama out of it, please,″ she said quietly and for the first time her voice didn't sound like she wanted to challenge him but like she begged him.

″We have to tell Hank anyway and I'm sure he'll have a different opinion than you have.″

″We can't tell him,″ she said and looked up from the glass she was holding, to him.

″We have to. He needs to know. Not only because he's our boss Er...″

″He's going to kill us.″

″If someone's getting killed by him, it's me, not you Erin. And in case you don't know: you can't hide a pregnancy forever.″

″Thanks for the tip, I really didn't know that,″ she answered, being all sarcastic before she got serious again. ″But we can at least wait a little bit.″

″Erin,″ he sighed and came some steps closer to her.

″Please Jay. Next weekend is this team building shit in New Buffalo and in three weeks is Platt's wedding. If we make my pregnancy official now everyone will talk about us instead of her. Let her be in the spotlight until her wedding. Otherwise there's one Sergeant more who wants to kill us,″ she said and a little laughter escaped from her lips by the thought how Platt would hunt them both through the 21st with a pan in her hands.

″Erin, believe me, I also don't look forward to tell Hank, but...″

″Jay please,″ she interrupted him. ″I'm not ready to be off the streets yet. Our life will change soon enough, so please give me some time to prepare for desk duty and let me do my job in the way I love to do my job for a little while longer. Just some weeks, that's all I'm asking for. I will be careful and when we have to go in somewhere I will do what you tell me, but please, don't take this away from me yet,″ she begged and towards the end her voice broke.

Jay sighed. He understood her. Of course he did. She loved her job just as much as he did and it was hard for him to imagine to sit behind a desk, not being able to do the job he loved so much. But on the other hand he was afraid that something could happen to Erin and the baby, had fears he didn't have before. He wanted them to be safe and the safest place was behind a desk and not out on the streets, chasing the bad guys.

″Alright, we'll tell him after Platt's wedding when she's on her honeymoon. But promise me one thing: tell me when you don't feel right, okay? Don't try to be the tough girl. Don't go in without back-up and always let me check out everything first, okay?″ he asked her while his eyes still reflected so much sorrows.

″Got it,″ she said, gave him a weak smile and wrapped her arms around his waist. He also wrapped his arms around her body, placed a kiss on her forehead and then buried his face in her hair. As he held her tightly in his embrace and smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo, he knew for sure that no matter how strong they were together, this pregnancy and all the things that came along with it were going to be a challenge...

* * *

 **As always, I'd love to know what you think, so please review :)  
Maybe you already recognized where this story will go for now: it will be about Erin growing into her new role, and Jay as well (but there's of course still lots of other stuff happening, no worries). She will make steps forward and then maybe back again, but I don't know about that for sure yet, so we'll see! ;)  
**


	15. Keeping A Secret

**Hey guys,**

 **thank you all again for the reviews! :)**

 **At this point I have to say one sentence about the CPD finale: I can't tell in words how disappointed/frustrated I am that we AGAIN didn't see Jay comforting Erin but instead got a scene with her and Kim. Don't get me wrong, I like their friendship but this should've been a moment with Jay. I wonder whether we'll ever see him caring about her again like he did in S1 and S2...I know he still does but I need to SEE it (see it as in a hug, words, whatever and not as in exchanging looks, worried eyes)...maybe S4 brings all the things back we've missed so badly in S3...one can hope, right?**

 **Back to the story, here comes chapter 15. I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **15\. Keeping A Secret**

The gurgling of the flush let Jay wake up on Monday morning, long before his alarm clock was ringing. He rubbed his tired eyes and turned around to the other side of his bed but of course it was all empty. Morning sickness had hit Erin hard on the weekend and obviously also now. Jay sighed and stared to the ceiling. As if all of this wasn't already hard enough for her.

During the weekend, when they had gone out for dinner on Saturday evening, she had begged him not to talk about the baby too much and just try to go on as normal as possible for the following weeks until they would tell everyone. Jay had agreed because he somehow wanted them to have that kind of relationship again that they had a short time ago in Wisconsin. Where Erin had smiled all day, where her laugh had been real and where she had been truly happy. Where they had joked around, where they had teased each other and where they had talked openly with each other. But with finding out about her unplanned pregnancy, all of that has somehow gotten lost. And all Jay wanted, was having his Erin back so he was willed to do quite everything for it, even if that meant he also had to kind of ignore the fact that they were having a baby. He knew she needed time to accept it and he wanted to give her that time and support her in all possible ways although the atmosphere between them was still more tense than it's been before.

It took some more time until Erin shuffled back into the bedroom, just wearing some comfy shorts and a top, her hair a complete mess and her face color similar to the one of a ghost.

″I don't need your compassion,″ she said immediately as he looked at her.

″I wasn't going to say anything,″ he answered while she slipped under the covers again.

″Good for you,″ Erin mumbled and stared up to the ceiling.

″Come here,″ Jay said, stretching his arm and offering her to lay close to his side.

″Aren't you disgusted?″

″Why should I?″

″Because I just vomitted the whole content of my stomach into your toilet.″

″So what? We know it's not a stomach flu, so I don't need to worry that you infect me and you can cuddle with me. So come on,″ he winked and gave her a little smile.

She turned her head around, looked at him for a second and then snuggled closer to his side.

″But it is disgusting,″ she then sighed as he wrapped his arm around her back.

″I know,″ he said and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. ″It's just two more weeks, max.″

″Yeah. And after the morning sickness is gone, I will start to get fat,″ she complained.

″You're not going to get fat.″

″Jay, I'm sorry to break it to you, but my body won't look like this for so much longer.″

″I know how pregnancy affects the human body, Erin. But I don't care about your body changing and you shouldn't either. Because you are and always will be the most beautiful human being God has ever created. And I love you. And seeing our baby grow will only make me love you more. If that is even possible.″

She didn't answer anything, just tried to snuggle even closer to him as he placed another kiss on her hair.

″Jay,″ she then said after some moments of silence and looked up to him. ″I love you, too.″

Jay's heart flipped a little by these three little words as this was the first time she has said them since finding out she was pregnant. He took this as a progress, as a little step into the right direction.

″I know,″ he grinned, kissing her forehead again. ″How about making you something for breakfast. Maybe waffles?″ he then suggested.

″Yeah, totally. Keep on talking about that and I'm not sure whether I'll make it to the toilet in time,″ she grimaced but also had to laugh a little.

″Eating helps against morning sickness sometimes and it will maybe make you feel better.″

″You studied medicine or what? Because I highly doubt that.″

″I read an article online yesterday,″ he simply answered and a smitten smile rushed over Erin's face by the thought how much this man cared about her.

″Of course you did. You're such a nerd sometimes,″ she chuckled.

″One of us must be a nerd, otherwise you'd feel bad all morning,″ Jay winked.

″Pretty convinced, huh?″

″Absolutely. Wanna give it a try?″

″Maybe,″ she admitted.

″Okay, you stay in bed and I make you some waffles,″ he smiled, kissed her head again and then got up from the bed, slipping into a pair of sweatpants and a shirt.

″You better close the door of your kitchen because I'm really not sure whether I can stand the sweet smell of...waffles or anything else,″ she said and looked like she had to swallow hard just from thinking about it.

″Got you. Just try to relax and catch some more sleep, we still have lots of time until work,″ he said, gave her another smile and left her alone. Erin snuggled deeper into the pillows and swallowed the upcoming feeling of nausea down, hoping that her already empty stomach would stop to riot soon.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay's waffles surprisingly really helped to finally settle Erin's stomach and when they were in the bullpen some hours later, Erin felt almost like a normal human being. As their team building event, no one really wanted to go to, was planned for the following weekend, they all had to listen to one of Hank's speeches about how important that was. Maybe he was right but none of them was really excited to sacrifice their weekend for it. Towards the end of his speech, Roman, Burgess and Platt came up the stairs and joined them.

″You wanted to talk to us, Sarge?″ Kim asked.

″Yeah. You two are going to New Buffalo with us as Trudy gets dispense because of her upcoming wedding. We leave Friday morning at 8 in case no important case shows up, otherwise we push it one week″ he explained them and Platt nodded complaisant.

″Excuse me?″ Roman asked and his facial expression was anything but pleased and Kim also didn't look too satisfied.

″Didn't I speak clear enough?″ Hank asked back, raising his eyebrows and rising his voice.

″You spoke clear, Hank, no worries,″ Platt said immediately and gave her two patrol men a glance as if she was about going to kill them.

″Good,″ he said and crossed the room towards Platt. ″Except Erin and Burgess, you kiddos can already decide with whom you want to share a room,″ he then said with a laugh and walked down the stairs together with Platt while Burgess and Roman still stood there like some stones and felt obviously a bit awkward.

″I'd say we put Jay in a room with Voight. How about that?″ Adam joked and made them all laugh.

″Over my dead body,″ Jay laughed and shook his head.

″Why not, Jay?″ Atwater teased.

″Yeah why not?″ Ruzek also laughed.

″Don't want to be scared to get murdered in sleep, that's why," he laughed. "But seriously, no mixed rooms?″ Jay then asked and sounded a bit disappointed.

″Oh come on Jay, you will survive two nights without your girl,″ Atwater teased him even more.

″Actually you can share a room with your girl Jay, because I'm sure Kim wants to share a room with Roman anyway,″ Adam snapped from behind his desk, glanced at his ex-fiancé and made the atmosphere in the room change within one second with this statement.

″Watch what you say, Ruzek!″ Roman called and got closer to Adam's desk, raising his finger threatening while Kim just stood there and looked at the two men in disbelief and then left the bullpen towards the locker room.

″Okay, everybody keep cool now,″ Erin said, stepping between the two men and kept them from throwing their fists into each others faces.

″What? That's no secret! Just being honest and telling the truth here,″ Adam spat.

″Ruzek!″ Erin called and narrowed his eyes while looking at him. Meanwhile Antonio pulled off Roman before he was able to get to Ruzek and throw that one specific punch.

″Take a walk,″ he told the patrol men but Roman still tried to get back to Adam.

″I said: Take a walk,″ Antonio said again, a lot louder this time and guided him into the right direction.

″This is not over yet,″ he called and turned around before he went down the stairs, still guided by Antonio.

″Good!″ Adam yelled back and got up from his chair, ready to follow his opponent outside and discuss it there.

″Hey!″ Erin said loudly and pushed the young officer back.

″I got this,″ Alvin said as he came from behind, laid his hand onto Adam's shoulder and pushed him towards the roll-out with a tight grasp on his neck.

″I'll talk to Kim,″ Erin told her colleagues and left Jay, Atwater and Mouse alone.

She walked into the locker room and closed the door as she saw Kim sitting on the bench, having her knees tucked to her body and resting her head on them.

″Hey Kim,″ Erin said softly and sat down in front of her friend.

″I'm not going there. I'm definitely not going there,″ she said but it sounded more like she was talking to herself than to Erin.

″Kim, look at me.″ She lifted her head up and stared into Erin's face.

″I'm not going there,″ she repeated and shook her head vehement.

″Yeah, I got that, but now listen to me, okay?″ Erin asked and Kim nodded in response.

″We did these team building events some times before but this is the first time that Hank invites two patrol men to it. Because he appreciates the work you do for this city and this unit. You guys should feel honored. So there's no chance that you'll stay here because if you do, you will surely never become a member of this unit, you understand? This is your chance, Kim, your chance to step up. Don't miss that just because of Adam jerking around.″

″I feel honored, really Erin. But I simply can't,″ she sighed. ″I can't spend one weekend with Adam around 24/7, not with the way he's acting at the moment.″

″I know Kim. But believe me, Olinsky is already giving him a telling-off and afterwards Adam won't act like today again. Don't let a guy define the rest of your career, Kim,″ Erin said and gave her colleague a weak smile.

″I try not to. But you have no idea how hard this is, Erin.″

″You're right. I don't. I can only imagine and I have to admit, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes right now. But as I said, this is a chance you'll never get again. This is Hank's way of showing you that you guys are already a part of his team and that it's just a matter of time until you'll make it up here. Don't let this chance go,″ Erin encouraged Kim. ″Besides: I really like the thought of a girl's dorm room including eating chips and chocolate and ice cream while having midnight-talks,″ she added with a laugh and even a small smile returned to Kim's face.

″To be honest, this is the only thing I'd look forward to,″ she sighed. ″Promise me that you'll keep me from doing anything stupid there.″

″Of course,″ Erin confirmed and touched her arm.

″Thanks.″

″Hey, that's what friends are for. And now stay here for another minute, take some deep breaths, throw some water into your face and then go out, do your job and kick some asses,″ she ordered and laughed as she got up from the bench.

″I will. Uhm, thanks again Erin,″ Kim smiled before Erin left her alone in the break room.

The rest of the day and the following day, the whole team was occupied with a heavy case but at least they were able to arrest their suspects during a night bust on Tuesday night. Of course Jay was quite worried and nervous about Erin when it came to busting the drug dealers in that warehouse but as she had promised, she let him check out everything first and always stayed behind him, so everything worked out in the best way possible. Nonetheless, Jay felt quite relieved when they were back at Erin's apartment safe and sound later that night and he tried not to think about how many more times he'd maybe be so nervous within the next weeks until she'd finally sit behind a desk...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Cheers,″

″Cheers,″ Jay said and clinked his beer bottle with the one of his brother in Molly's on Wednesday evening. ″So, any progress with you and Natalie lately?″ he asked his older brother and grinned.

″Can't we just talk about the Blackhawks, the Bulls, the Bears or the Cups?″ Will asked in response and took a long gulp from his beer.

″I assume that's a no.″

″You assume right,″ Will nodded.

″I thought things were going good. What happened?″

″I kissed her some weeks ago,″ Will shrugged, taking yet another gulp from his beer.

″Uhm what?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows.

″I don't think I have to explain you what a kiss is. It was a tough day, we fought a lot and in the end I simply kissed her. It was too early for her. She wasn't ready. She's still grieving and she has Owen and that's enough to deal with for her at the moment. I was stupid. And ever since...I don't know...everything changed, nothing is like it was before. We barely talk and when we do, we mostly fight. Maybe I should simply go on.″

″You know, it's really hard to go on when you have that one girl in your head all the time. Furthermore, I'd say it's impossible to find someone else as long as she's the one that you want,″ Jay told his brother and sipped on his own beer.

″I don't even know whether she still is the one that I want, Jay.″

″Oh you do.″

″What makes you think that?″

″The way you talk about her and...well, it may sound corny, but the way your face and your eyes change when you talk about her.″

″That is more than corny. What the hell is wrong with you, Jay?″ Will laughed.

″Dunno. Just saw something like that too many times in the mirror I guess,″ he shrugged.

″With the difference that you got the girl in the end,″ Will sighed, being all serious again.

″Yeah, I got the girl. But it took us two years with lots of ups and downs and we had to fight hard for it and we still have to. A relationship is lots of work and includes lots of compromises,″ he said pensivly and gave his brother a meaningful glance. Will Halstead has always been and still was the more stubborn and aggressive one of the two brothers and always wanted to go everything his way. He often made wrong decisions because of his current emotions. Jay meanwhile has always been and still was the calm and sensitive and pensive one. The one who always tried to control his emotions and think about the things he was going to do instead of simply doing it without giving a care about the possible consequences. And it was a good thing that his attitudes were like that because if his personality would just be a little more like his brother's, he and Erin would most likely clash every day as she also tended to be extremely stubborn sometimes and acted on impulse quite often.

″Maybe we should still better talk about the Bulls,″ Will simply answered and ordered a new beer.

″Yeah, obviously we should,″ Jay said and finally changed the topic as this conversation turned out to be a senseless one. He knew his brother and when he didn't want to talk about it, there was zero chance he wanted to get any advice from Jay either. It was his life after all and maybe it was really better if he figuered everything out on his own.

They talked about their favorite teams for a while but there was still one thing on Jay's mind that he wanted to ask his brother. Inconspicious. As far as it was possible to address this topic inconspicious.

″Will, I need to ask you something,″ Jay said after they had finished to talk about all kind of sports and he had finally found a way to talk about this without revealing too much. At least he thought so.

″Go ahead,″ Will replied but slightly frowned.

″Well...there's this police officer in our district. And she knows that I have a brother who's a doctor,″ Jay started. ″So she asked me whether I can ask you for advice on something.″

″Uhm, sure,″ Will answered but looked a bit confused.

″She's pregnant...and now she's not sure whether she should still be out on the streets or whether this could harm the baby, you know.″

″Why didn't she ask her doctor?″

″She did. But she wanted to have a second opinion.″

″Why didn't she simply ask another doctor herself?″ Will dug deeper.

″I don't know,″ Jay shrugged but he already started to regret that he had even asked.

″Aha. So let me get this straight: there's a female police officer in your district and instead of simply walking into Med and asking another doctor or even better, asking her Sergeant for advice, she asks you. A detective of the Intelligence Unit,″ Will noticed.

″Seems like, huh?″

″Yeah, seems like,″ Will answered, scanning his brother's face for any reaction. ″Well, I'm not really an expert when it comes to pregnancy but as long as her Sergeant allows her to be out on the streets and as long as she feels safe and good, why shouldn't she work? You know Jay, most often the worst things happen, when women change their lives immediately after finding out their pregnant instead of just simply going on. There are various reasons why women miscarry and working as a police officer isn't one of them. Of course it's dangerous but in general it doesn't harm the baby. In the end it's all up to fate anyway I guess,″ he explained his brother and gave him a way too meaningful glance.

″Uhm...well...thank you. I'll tell her,″ Jay said and stared to the beer bottle in his hands so he didn't have to look at his brother.

″Do that,″ Will nodded. He took another sip from his beer and put it back to the table, still scanning his brother attentively.

″We aren't really talking about some police officer here, are we?″ he then asked casually and Jay lifted his head a little bit too fast by his brother's question.

″Of course we do.″

″Oh come on Jay. How far along is Erin?″

″What are you talking about?″ he asked and tried to hide the nervous undertone in his voice.

″A police officer in your district. I mean, seriously?″

″Yes, seriously. I'm a nice person, so other people do ask me for a favor sometimes.″

″Jay...-″

″Erin's not pregnant,″ he interrupted his brother.

″That's your weak point right here. You're usually such a honest person what makes you a horrible liar Jay Halstead,″ he laughed and Jay slowly realized that there was no way out of this other than telling his brother their little secret.

″Eleven weeks,″ he admitted quietly.

″Wow...I mean wow! This is huge. Congratulations,″ Will smiled and clinked his bottle with Jay's.

″Thanks man,″ Jay said with a little smile and took a long gulp from his beer. This didn't go as planned. ″Listen Will, if Erin finds out that I told you, she's going to kill me.″

″Really? Didn't think your girlfriend can be so violent,″ he chuckled. ″But I'm surprised that Voight didn't kill you by now.″

″He doesn't know yet, that's why,″ Jay answered, emptying his bottle with yet another long sip.

″Aren't you supposed to tell your boss as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed?″

″Yes we are. But we only found out somewhen last week and Erin...she still needs time to accept it and she's not ready to be off the streets yet. I understand her on one hand...but on the other hand I'm worried because of all the possible dangers. She could get shot or...-″ Jay sighed before his brother interrupted him.

″Jay, easy. How many times has Erin been shot in her career?″

″Never.″

″So why should she get shot now?″

″Because the worst things always happen when you don't want them to happen.″

″Well, that sounds like it's okay when she gets shot when she's not pregnant,″ Will noticed.

″No, of course it's not!″

″Then what's the difference now Jay? What's the difference between Erin getting shot some months ago when she wasn't pregnant to now?″

″The damn difference is that it now could cause a miscarriage, Will! And although this baby is barely eleven weeks old and we only know about its existence for one week and it wasn't planned at all it is my child and I don't want anything to happen to it, you understand? Just as I don't wanna anything happen to Erin either. Neither in the past, nor now or in the future. There are days when I'm scared to lose Erin because bad things happen so fast in our job. But then I always try to remember myself that this is the life we chose. But now with the pregnancy...as long as she's still doing busts with us, I'm scared every single day, not only to lose her but also our baby. Or the both of them together,″ he said and towards the end his voice got lower and lower.

″Jay,″ Will said and his voice was softer than ever as he saw the pain in his brother's eyes. ″You're not going to lose her or the baby and she won't get shot.″

″Then she maybe gets hit by a bike again or kidnapped again,″ Jay answered and a sarcastic laughter escaped from his mouth.

″She won't get hit by a bike or get kidnapped either. Everything's going to be fine and you're going to have one gorgeous baby boy or girl in...uhm February I assume?″ Will said and gave him an encouraging smile.

″End of January.″

″January. Nice month to be born in Chicago, so warm and sunny. You guys will always be able to do garden parties for his or her birthday,″ Will laughed and this goofy statement also brought a smile back to Jay's face.

″You're right, maybe I'm way too worried and think too much about all those what-if's.″

″Maybe you should talk with Erin about it,″ he suggested.

″No,″ Jay said and slightly shook his head. ″This pregnancy is enough for her to deal with for the moment. I don't want to incriminate her with my stupid fears.″

″But maybe she would understand it and reduce her work to notifications, interrogations and desk duty.″

″She's not ready for that yet. She needs time and she needs to accept her pregnancy first and then we'll tell Voight in around two weeks. Hopefully,″ Jay said and wanted to take a sip from his beer just to recognize that it was empty.

″Sounds like this is more of a challenge than a joy right now.″

″Tell me about it,″ Jay sighed.

″Guess this wasn't planned, huh?″

″As I said earlier, it was an accident. And actually this is kind of your fault.″

″My fault? Sorry Jay, but I'm not the one who knocked her up,″ he laughed.

″But you're the one who gave her those light antibiotics that made her birth control pills stop working.″

″Yeah, the ones you asked me for Jay,″ he said and then paused. ″Wait a moment: you slept with her while she was on antibiotics?″

″Obviously,″ Jay shrugged.

″That's dumb. So it's also my fault that you guys weren't clever enough to use other forms of contraception?″ he laughed.

″We...forgot...″

″So it was basically your own fault in the end, huh? But nice try, Jay,″ he winked.

″Some things simply happen because they need to happen although we're still trying to figure out why this happened to us and why now.″

″You didn't waste any time at least.″

″Yeah. Next year would've been better. Or in two years, or three. But we can't change it now and so we take it,″ Jay said and got up from the bench, ready to go home. ″But you keep your mouth shut, you understand?″ he told his brother as the two of them walked to the bar to pay their checks.

″Well, you kinda asked me as a patient, so I'm bound to medical confidentiality. This stays between us, I promise,″ he said and gave his younger brother a pat on the back.

″Thanks,″ Jay smiled.

They paid their checks, poured down a shot each they got for free from Otis and then both went home, Will to his place a bit outside of the city and Jay straight to Erin's apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Thursday morning came and it was the first morning that Erin not had to throw up or felt nauseous immediately after waking up, so she was quite in a good mood, thinking she finally overcame the disgusting part of her pregnancy. But as soon as her and Jay were in the bullpen later, a wave of nausea hit her with full force. She got up from her chair, tried her best to walk out of the bullpen as normal as possible and swallowed everything down and then literally ran to the toilet as soon as nobody could see her anymore. She only made it there narrowly and vomitted her breakfast and rests of the dinner from the evening before into the toilet. Afterwards, she grabbed some pieces of toilet paper and cleaned her mouth and took some deep breaths of air, hoping that it would help her stomach to settle. As she didn't feel too well yet, she stayed down on the floor, still inhaling and exhaling deeply, but then had to vomit again just some moments later. She cleaned her mouth again and as she then had the feeling, she was done for now, she got up, flushed everything down and stepped out of the toilet. She startled when she saw Kim standing there, casually leaning against the sink, having her arms crossed in front of her chest and having kind of a knowing glance on her face.

″So, how far along are you?″ the young patrol man asked and scanned her friend from head to toes.

″Uhm, excuse me?″ Erin asked and leaned down to the faucet, cleaning her mouth and trying to swallow the disgusting taste down.

″How far along are you?″ Kim repeated her question.

″I just caught a stomach flu or something, Kim,″ she said and grabbed another paper towel to dry her face and her hands.

″Aha,″ Kim nodded. ″A stomach flu? You sure about that?″ Kim frowned.

″Absolutely. So seriously, don't get stupid on me now, Kim,″ Erin answered, rolled her eyes and tried to walk past Kim.

″Erin, we're going to share a room this weekend. So you tell me you won't have to throw up every morning there?″

Erin stopped in her movement and sighed. Kim was right. As much as she wanted to keep this a secret for a little while longer, she most likely couldn't hide this from her friend this weekend. She turned around and looked at Kim, biting her lower lip.

″Eleven weeks today,″ she finally admitted and Kim's eyes got wide.

″Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,″ she squealed with a hysteric voice and jumped up and down in front of Erin.

″Kim!″ Erin called and looked at her as if she wanted to kill her.

″I'm sorry. It's just...congratulations,″ she smiled and hugged her friend.

″Uhm, thank you,″ Erin replied and tried to smile although she was anything but happy that her little secret was out.

″This is so exciting and awesome,″ Kim said and Erin was sure Kim had a brighter smile on her face than she herself ever had yet.

″Yeah, we'll see. Listen Kim. Nobody knows about this yet and Jay and I like to keep it that way for a little while longer. I only told you because you had a good point there. If you tell anyone I'm going to kill you. And I'm not joking around here,″ Erin said and made her point more than clear.

″Okay,″ Kim answered and swallowed. ″But shouldn't you guys tell Voight?″

″We will. After Platt's wedding. You know, let her be in the spotlight and then break the news when she's on her honeymoon.″

″Maybe not such a bad idea,″ Kim nodded and laughed.

″Yeah, we figured that too. Plus...I'm not really ready to let go yet,″ Erin admitted with a low voice.

″I understand that. But Erin, be careful,″ Kim said, giving her another smile.

″I am,″ Erin nodded and was finally able to walk past Kim.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin unlocked the door of Jay's apartment and stepped into the room in the evening, the delicious smell of fresh cooked food was in the air what kinda surprised her as they had agreed to order some takeout. As always. She threw her black jacket over the back of his couch and walked into his small kitchen. She stopped in the doorframe and watched him smilingly for some seconds as he was so concentrated, he didn't even recognize her being there. She then took the last steps towards him, wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and nestled her head up against his strong back, soaking up the smell of his cologne. She had to giggle when Jay slightly startled from the unexpected hug.

″Hey babe,″ she murmured and hugged him even closer.

″Hey there,″ he answered, turned around, crashed her smiling lips with an intense kiss and then turned around again to make sure that none of the food he made would get burnt.

″This smells so good,″ she said and stood on her tiptoes to get a glance over his shoulder onto the stove.

″I hope it is good. I kinda used up all the things in my frigde and mixed them together,″ he laughed.

″Yeah, looks like,″ she chuckled as she eyed the indefineable mingle-mangle of vegetables, meat, rice and sauce. ″So...what did you do that you cook for me?″ she asked casually into his ear and took a step to stand right next to him instead of behind him.

″Can't I just simply cook for my girlfriend without any reason?″ he asked back, looking at her.

″No,″ Erin simply answered and laughed. ″You usually only cook on special occasions, like when we were in Wisconsin or when we had our 6-month-anniversary.″

″I simply thought we had enough takeout these past few days and I needed to empty my fridge before going to New Buffalo tomorrow.″

″Okay,″ Erin just simply nodded but she still didn't really believe him. Of course Jay always cared about her and made special things for her from time to time, but cooking after a long and exhausting work day was new. Instead of asking him more questions, she opened one of the cupboards, grabbed two plates and then two spoons from the drawer, as this was more a soup than anything else, and brought them to the small coffee table in front of his couch.

″Did you pack your bag yet?″ Jay called from the kitchen.

″Yep. Already down in the car,″ she said while walking back from the living room to join him.

″Impressive,″ Jay chuckled. ″And you didn't forget anything this time?″ he teased her.

″Will tell you tomorrow after unpacking,″ she answered dryly. ″But I have my socks with me this time.″

″I'm proud of you,″ he said, giving her the sweetest grin, then took the pot from the stove and brought it to the table while Erin filled herself a glass with water.

″Er, can you bring me a glass, too?″ he called, but instead of doing so, Erin opened his fridge and grabbed one of the beer bottles, handing it to him some moments later.

″Uhm...I asked for water,″ he said, looking at the beer bottle like he has never seen one before.

″Jay, just take it,″ she said and sat down right next to him, putting her filled plate onto her lap. ″You always drink beer with your dinner and you already abstained from it the last couple of days,″ she said and Jay was quite surprised that she had recognized that little fact.

″Yeah because we both normally do but it seemed unfair...″ he explained.

″You don't have to be considerate of me. Really. It's okay,″ she shrugged but even gave him a little smile.

″Well then...but only one.″

″You can also drink two, Jay. I don't feel like drinking beer at the moment anyway. To be honest, only thinking about its taste...well, you don't wanna know,″ she sighed and rolled her eyes.

″Yeah, maybe I don't,″ he laughed while Erin already started to eat his indefineable whatever-it-was.

″This is not so bad,″ she said and sounded honestly surprised.

″Better than it looks at least,″ Jay chuckled as he put another full spoon of his dish into his mouth.

″Er, I need to tell you something,″ he said some minutes later after finishing eating.

″Do you?″ she asked him, raised her eyebrows while looking at him and put her empty plate back to the table in front of her.

″Yeah..″

″See, I know you cooked for a reason, so what is it?″

″I...uhm...I might told my brother about the baby,″ he admitted and lifted his head to look at her all innocent.

″You MIGHT told your brother?″ she echoed. ″How can you might tell your brother? I mean, did you or didn't you?″

″He knows. I really didn't do it on purpose, it just happened somehow. But he promised me not to tell anybody. I'm sorry, Er,″ he apologized, laying his hand on top of hers.

″Well, shit happens,″ she said and to Jay's surprise, her voice didn't sound as mad as he had expected it to be. ″That makes four people in all who know about this,″ she sighed.

″I'm really...″ he started but then stopped. ″Wait, did you say four people? Whom did you tell?″

″Kim. She caught me in the restroom this morning, I think she heard me vomitting several times. She immediately asked me how far along I am. I tried to deny it but given the fact that I have to share a room with her this weekend and that I most likely have to throw up there, too, I told her the truth.″

″She won't tell anyone either? Because if this comes through someone else than us...″

″She won't. I threatened to kill her if she does,″ Erin said. ″And I think she realized pretty fast that I wasn't joking around,″ she added with a chuckle.

″Badass,″ Jay laughed, kissed her and then pulled her into his embrace. She cuddled closer to him and traced small circles onto his chest with the tips of her fingers while laying in his arms.

″We're really bad at keeping a secret, aren't we?″ she asked, still not being sure how she felt about the fact that two more people knew about what was supposed to be a secret for at least two more weeks.

″We are,″ Jay admitted and placed a kiss on her hair. ″Maybe that's a sign.″

″What sign?″ she frowned.

″Maybe we should simply tell everyone else this weekend.″

″I thought we discussed that already,″ she said, got out of his embrace and sat up in front of him, her legs tucked under her body.

″At least Hank should know Erin. He deserves to know not only because he's our boss but from the personal point of view...″

″The problem is that I can't tell him in personal without that it'll influence my job.″

″And so it's better not to tell him at all?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows.

″For now it's better for me not to tell him. I told you my reasons Jay,″ she said but her voice sounded bugged and the tension between them was about to make a comeback.

″And I understand them and I've also accepted them, you remember? It's just...how do you think he'll react when we tell him about the pregnancy and then have to tell him that we already know for more than three weeks? Because I think he'll be mad. Really mad,″ he said while looking at her and trying not to imagine how mad Hank would actually be. And how hurt.

″He'll be mad anyway,″ she shrugged. ″And he'll be disappointed from me and disappointed from you and whatever else,″ she sighed and only now Jay realized that it was not only about the desk duty Hank would put her on immediately but that she was also scared to tell him in general.

″It's quite hard for you to tell him, right?″ he asked and his glance softened as he put his hand on top of hers.

″Maybe,″ she mumbled.

″You know it won't get easier the farther we push it away.″

″I know, but it's never easy. Neither now nor will it be easy in two weeks. I also know that Hank deserves to know but let us please keep this secret a little while longer. Or let us at least try to keep it a secret,″ she said and a small smile returned to her face by the thought how they've failed with that so far. At the same time she sent silent prayers that she wouldn't have to throw up the following morning while driving to New Buffalo because then their secret would most likely become public within seconds.

″Did I ever tell you that I hate secrets?″

″No you didn't. But I know you hate them and I truly appreciate it that you're in this with me,″ she answered, thinking about how hard this had to be for him. For the man who was the most honest person Erin ever knew. For the man who wanted to tell Hank about their secret relationship after her return from the task-force and rather risk his job with it than sneaking around any longer.

″I wouldn't do it if it wasn't for you,″ he said and glanced at her with his bright blue eyes.

″Thank you,″ she whispered, leaned in to kiss him and then snuggled onto his side again. He wrapped his arm around her again, buried his face in her hair and placed a soft kiss on the top her head before turning on the TV. They watched a documentation on Netflix but Jay didn't really pay attention. Because as much as he didn't want to push Erin into anything and wanted to give her the time she needed, he felt unbelievably uncomfortable by the thought of keeping this secret from Hank for too much longer...

* * *

 **As always, reviews are appreciated! :) Some time ago someone wanted to see some more scenes with the team and now it finally fits into the story, so the next chapter will mostly be some team fluff ;)**


	16. That's What Friends Are For

**Thank you all again for the reviews and sorry for letting you wait a little longer than usual. I'm honest with you, I had a million struggles to write this chapter in the beginning and then it turned out to be the longest I've written yet (sorry for that, you might need some time to read it). I decided not to make two chapters out of it because it wouldn't really make sense. You'll have quite some time to read it anyway as I have some important exams coming up and won't be able to post within the next two weeks I think. But I promise, the next chapters will have a 'normal' length again ;)**

 **I still own nada.**

* * *

 **16\. That's What Friends Are For**

The whole unit met in front of the 21st district on early Friday morning. The sky was blue and the sun was shining, it was already really warm for this time of the day and everyone was finally a little more excited about this trip than the days before.

Loading ten bags in two cars was the biggest challenge of the morning and it took quite some time and tetris-skills until they'd finally stored them in the trunks and were still able to close them. They quickly decided that Antonio, Burgess and Roman drove in the Escalade with Hank and Al while Mouse, Adam and Atwater joined Erin and Jay in the 300.

″Why does Jay get the passenger's seat and not me?″ Adam asked as he took the place in the middle and Mouse and Atwater sat down left and right to him.

″Because kids belong in the back,″ Erin answered all dry while she put on her sunglasses and buckled her seatbelt.

″Naah, Linds, that was mean,″ Adam laughed while trying to buckle his seatbelt, too.

″Damn Adam, why are you twiddling my ass?″ Kevin asked and they all chuckled.

″Because I love you so much Kev,″ Adam teased back. ″Where is this damn...ah, got it.″

″Awesome,″ Erin said and turned her head around to look at the three men in shorts, shirts and sunglasses. ″Alright, all kiddos buckled then?″ she asked but already pulled out on the street to follow Hank's Escalade. Now Jay was the one who turned his head around to his three colleagues on the back seats who looked like being caught in a sardine can.

″Is it comfy, yeah?″ he smirked.

″Jay, you better shut up,″ Kevin answered with a laughter.

″I still don't get it why Jay has free ticket for the passenger's seat,″ Adam started to complain again. ″I think we should've played Rock, Paper, Scissors or something.″

″No Adam, we can't do this to him. You know, Jay's THE professional co-driver in the 21st,″ Kevin laughed.

″Ah yeah right, I tend to forget sometimes that your girl doesn't let you drive,″ Adam teased.

″Well bro, at the moment you're not really in the teasing position, don't you think?″ Jay laughed. ″I mean, I could start talking about the benefits of being a professional co-driver, you know? For example the legroom I have here and the space in general. And don't forget the air conditioner. ″

″Okay, let's get back to the point where we told you to shut up,″ Adam said with another deep laughter.

Of course the boys didn't really shut up during the duration of their two-hour-drive. They kept on teasing each other and then started to watch fail videos on their phones. Even Mouse, who was usually the calmest guy ever, started to take part in their conversations and laughing fits and as much as Erin tried to stay concentrated on the street and not to listen to all these silly things, she had to laugh with them sometimes anyway as they simply acted like complete dorks.

Half an hour before they arrived at their destination, it even got worse and they started to check the women on Kevin's dating app.

″Uh Kev, this one's a hot chick. You should definitely write her,″ Adam said and eyed the photo precisely.

″Do you think?″ Kevin asked.

″Oh yeah, I mean look at her...she's quite something. Maybe you shouldn't write her but I.″

″Adam, stop drooling, it's disgusting,″ Erin teased her colleague as she looked at him via the rearview mirror.

″Just shut up and drive Erin, this is men business here,″ he laughed.

″Bite me Adam, one more like that and I'll kick your ass out of this car and you can walk the rest of the distance, I swear.″

″Oh, I doubt you'd be able to kick me outta here,″ he winked.

″You don't really wanna challenge me right now, do you? Because we both know I'm able to kick your ass easily anytime.″

″Sorry bro, but she's right,″ Kevin laughed, giving his friend a pat on the back.

″Yep, she is,″ Mouse agreed with a grin.

″True that,″ Jay smirked.

″Thanks guys, it's a pleasure to have friends like you. I mean, I expected Jay to defend his girl, but you two...that's a real letdown,″ he laughed.

″Adam, the thing is, they didn't defend me, they agreed with me because I had a good point,″ Erin winked and a winning smile rushed over her lips.

″Whatever. Anyway,″ he said and turned his head around to Mouse, showing him the photo on the phone, basically giving this conversation up. ″What do you think about her?″

″Uhm...no...not really my type,″ Mouse said.

″Are you serious? I mean, look at her,″ Adam answered and brought the phone up closer to Mouse's eyes.

″Still not my type though,″ he shrugged.

″How can someone like her not be your type? You're weird. It'll be a challenge to find a girl for you, bro,″ Adam laughed, giving his colleague a compassionate glance.

″Jay, what do you think?″ he then asked, handing him the phone.

Erin turned her head around to her boyfriend for only one second but it was long enough for Jay to see how she raised her eyebrow.

″Well...she's not ugly,″ Jay admitted.

″Ha, see Mouse,″ Adam triumphed.

″Show me,″ Erin immediately said.

″Uah Jay, this is not going to end well for you,″ Kevin laughed.

Jay showed Erin the picture and she eyed it for literally one second but she saw how Jay slightly, almost imperceptible shook his head and grinned at her. Of course he said what his colleagues wanted to hear and didn't say anything corny like admitting that he had only eyes for Erin or something similar. Their team members, didn't need to be witnesses of any kind of love declarations. Although these people were their friends, they were on a business trip what meant they had to keep it professional. At least more or less.

″So Erin, what do you say?″ Adam asked, hoping for an act of jealousy.

″Way too pretty for you, sorry,″ Erin answered with a grin.

″I really don't like your attitude today, Linds.″

″Really?″ Mouse asked. ″I think it's hilarious,″ he chuckled.

″I think it's mean, like really mean. And anyway, your boyfriend just admitted he thinks she's not ugly and you don't freak out?″ Adam then said, still trying to tease and beat her in any way possible.

″We're talking about a photo from a dating app of a woman who lives on the other side of this country and you expected me to get crazily jealous just because he thinks she's not ugly? He's right man, she's not ugly. And you need to grow up. Urgently,″ Erin answered dryly and she slowly started to get kinda bugged by this whole conversation. Luckily their GPS said that their destination was only ten more minutes away, so the end was near.

″Adam bro, I'm sorry to break it to you but you should start considering to capitulate because you're not going to win against her today,″ Kevin suggested with a laugh and gave his friend in the middle a pat on the back.

″When did he ever win against her?″ Jay asked and made them all laugh, even Erin let out a small laughter.

″Guys, I really love you, but today...not so much,″ Adam laughed and shook his head. ″But I forgive you because I just found another girl I want to hear your opinion about,″ he grinned and started to pass the phone around again.

″Oh heavens,″ Erin sighed and hoped that their hotel would appear right in front of them as soon as possible.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

″This is quite a fancy place, boss,″ Kevin said when they stood in front of the big hotel building that was located directly by Lake Michigan.

″What did you expect, Atwater? Tents and outhouses?″ Hank asked back before giving a little speech. ″Alright, everybody listen: all of our rooms are on the 3rd floor. Ruzek and Atwater room 304, Jay and Mouse 305, Antonio and Roman 306, Alvin and me are in 307 and you two,″ he said and pointed to Erin and Kim, ″are in room 308. All you need to do is going to the reception and ask for the key cards, the paper work is done already. We'll meet in the conference room on the 3rd floor in about an hour I'd say,″ Hank explained his team as he checked his clock. ″Any questions?″

All of them shook their heads in response but had to grin a little as they felt like students being on field excursion.

″Let's go in then,″ Hank ordered and they all walked into the lobby of the 4-star-hotel. As expected, the check-in went fast and smooth and after some minutes all of them moved into their rooms.

After checking their rooms and unpacking their bags, they all met in the conference room about an hour later and took their seats around the oval table. They chatted with each other for a while until Hank chimed in.

″Alright kiddos, I think you're all still wondering why we're here and some of you might still think this is a waste of time. Well, keep on thinking that but I'll prove you wrong,″ he said and smirked a little.

″This unit is so strong because the people you work with every single day are your family. But lately we had so many cases, heavy cases, that I thought all of us could use a little timeout to focus on us, on our team members, on our family. When we did that kind of team building events in the past we always did lots of trust exercises and that kind of stuff but I really don't think we need this as you all have a strong bond with each other already. So, there's not much of a program because I mainly want us to have fun this weekend and I really hope that this unit will even be stronger after this weekend. You can spend the day on the beach, play soccer, play beach volleyball, go for a swim, do whatever you want. But do it together and have fun. We'll have dinner in the hotel restaurant at 7.30 this evening and afterwards we'll go bowling. Breakfast tomorrow morning is at 8.30 because we'll leave for going go-carting at 10.00. The rest of the things we've planned to do I'll tell you this evening or tomorrow morning. So, gear up,″ Hank said and grinned as he saw the surprised and stunned faces of his detectives and officers. Obviously no one had expected this trip to turn out into a loosey-goosey for-fun weekend.

″I really like that, boss,″ Antonio said, who was the first one to find his voice again.

″Yeah, you did good with making us believe this was going to be some boring team building event,″ Jay agreed and laughed.

″I still wait for the moment he tells us he just joked,″ Adam said.

″This isn't a joke, right Sarge?″ Atwater asked.

″Do I look to you like I'm joking around?″ Hank asked the young officers. ″But I'm sure we'll find some trust exercises or whatever else for the two of you if you want to do them so badly.″

″Oh no, thanks. We're completely satisfied with all the things you just suggested,″ Adam immediately said and all of them started to get up from their chairs to discuss what they wanted to do with their day.

Jay, Erin, Kim and Kevin quickly decided for a little beach volleyball match. While the boys only needed some seconds to change from their shirts and shorts into just their swimming trunks, so they were able to proudly present their sixpacks and muscles, Kim and Erin of course needed a little longer to slip into their bikinis.

Kevin and Jay already waited impatiently at the beach for them to arrive and were kind of disappointed when they finally came, wearing tops and shorts over their bikinis.

″Oh come on girls, what's that? Take us as examples,″ Kevin joked, showing off his muscular body.

″Yeah Kev, you wish,″ Kim laughed and boxed her former partner onto the shoulder.

″Are you going to swim like this, too?″

″Certainly not,″ Kim answered.

″Then why wearing it for playing volleyball?″ Kevin smirked.

″Because swimming and playing volleyball are two complete different things.″

″Kim, don't try it, men don't understand that anyway. All they think about is...well, it doesn't matter,″ Erin said with a chuckle as she saw Jay raising his eyebrows in the corner of her eyes.

″As we cleared that now...″ Jay grinned, ″can we start or..?″

″Hey, we weren't the ones who started with this unnecessary conversation,″ Erin twinkled at her boyfriend.

″Well yeah, guilty as charged,″ Kevin laughed. ″What do we do? Partners versus former partners?″

″Sounds good to me,″ Jay agreed and the four of them took their positions on the opposite sides of the netting to start their match. But instead of really playing beach volleyball all of this turned out to be an occasion of never ending laughing fists as none of them was really talented and Erin as well as Kim both preferred to tell their partners that each and every ball was basically theirs. It was quite a joy for the two of them to watch the men diving for the ball and ruggedly crashing on the ground while trying to save what couldn't be saved anymore. Some moments later they all laid in the sand, snorting with laughter, after Kim had tried to dive for the ball for the first time and Kevin had too, and the both of them literally crashed into each other.

″We're all so talented, it's incredible,″ Jay laughed and held his stomach which already hurt from laughing so hard.

″I'd say we change teams because crashing with Erin isn't surely as bad as crashing with Mount Atwater,″ Kim said as she was finally able to breathe again.

″I'm in,″ Erin said while trying to get the picture of the two of them crashing out of her head because every time she thought about it she had to laugh again. And looking to Jay didn't make it any better because he obviously had the same problem.

″You okay?″ Erin asked Kim as she joined her on her side of the netting but she still couldn't hide a chuckle.

″I'm alive and no broken bones, only my stomach hurts from laughing so hard,″ Kim giggled.

″Tell me about it. I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to forget this picture,″ she laughed.

″Always glad to entertain you.″

″Alright ladies, are you done small-talking?″ Kevin asked from the other side of the netting.

″We're ready to rumble over here,″ Kim said and they took their positions.

″Let's get the party started then,″ Kevin called and served the ball.

To everyone's surprise they were really able to play some kind of real beach volleyball as Kim and Erin tried their very best to beat the boys and started to fight for the balls instead of telling their partners that every ball was their job. In the beginning, this worked quite well and they scored lots of points as Kevin and Jay were kind of overstraight with the sudden fighting spirit of the girls but after some time they got it handled and didn't leave their opponents the slightest chance.

″Nice effort girls,″ Jay said after the game when they all high-fived each other and then wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulders and placed a short kissed on her sweaty temple.

″Yeah, that was quite good. But the real champions won nonetheless,″ Kevin grinned.

″Don't pique yourself on that Kev, Erin and I will train hard and beat you like this next time,″ Kim said and flipped her fingers.

″Keep on dreaming. Maybe Jay and I will also do some more training huh? But for now this was enough volleyball and I urgently need a cooling-down. Anyone else?″

″Oh yes,″ Kim sighed and before she was able to say anything else or to strip her shirt, Kevin had already picked her up and carried her towards the water.

″Atwater let me down,″ Kim ordered with a laugh but of course her strong colleague didn't even think about letting her down yet.

″Atwater,″ Kim called again as he now walked through the plain water to the place were it was deeper. ″Let me down.″

″Okay,″ Kevin shrugged and let her fall down into the water like some stone.

″I...hate...you,″ Kim gasped afterwards, splashing water towards him.

″What, why? I just did what you wanted me to do,″ Kevin joked and swam away with Kim following him closely and trying to dunk him.

Meanwhile, Jay and Erin still stood at the beach, watching their colleagues chasing each other through the water.

″Don't you even think about it,″ Erin warned her boyfriend as she had the slightest suspicion that he was planning to do the same with her.

″Of course I don't,″ Jay grinned and shook his head while Erin stripped her shorts and shirt.

″Ready?″ he then asked and grabbed her hand as she nodded, running towards the water with her. But it wasn't as warm as expected and while Jay started to swim immediately, Erin was anything but excited about swimming. When Jay saw her hesitating and only going in further step by step, he offered her, to sit on his shoulders. Of course she didn't let him beg twice and let him carry her through the water while she ran her fingers through his hair and gently tickled his head.

″How is it up there?″ Jay asked while walking towards the place where the water was deeper, tightening the grasp around her lower legs.

″Amazing. Really nice view and stuff,″ Erin laughed.

″Yeah? You know, the view down here isn't as bad either,″ he said and although she couldn't see his face, she knew there was a sneaky grin on his lips. In that second she knew what he was planning to do but it was too late already. He let her legs loose and gave her a soft push so she fell from his shoulders into the water in perfect backflip-style.

″You...will...pay for that,″ Erin said some moments later in between gasps for air, coughs and laughters.

″Can't wait,″ Jay chuckled, giving her the cutest grin.

″Revenge is sweet,″ she smirked and then swam away from him but of course Jay didn't wait for one second to follow her. Their little water fight was far from being over yet.

At the same time, Alvin and Hank sat on their sun loungers in the shade, drinking cocktails and smoking cigars and watched the young couple in the water that obviously had too much fun.

″Maybe I should tell them that this is a business trip,″ Hank said raspily.

″Maybe you should just let them be theirselves,″ Alvin said. ″I mean, look at the kid,″ he added and pointed to Erin who seemed to be in deep laughters.

″Hmm,″ Hank only mumbled while he also watched his two detectives playing and joking around in the water.

″Did you ever see Erin as happy as in the past few months? Because I didn't,″ Alvin said, taking a sip from his cocktail. ″All you and Camille ever wanted for her was that she finds the happiness she deserves. You always wished that she'd one day be truly happy. And now she is, so what's the problem?″

″I don't know,″ Hank shrugged. ″It's still an inhouse-romance and although it looks like they are in good place right now they can split up anytime and then we have a problem. Because I need them both in my unit and I'm not sure whether they'd be able to keep it professional then.″

″I think they would. I mean, they are obviously pretty much in love but at work you hardly recognize that they're a couple because they're quite good with keeping the private and the professional apart. And I don't think we have to worry about this at the moment anyway,″ Alvin noticed.

″It's Erin. So everything is always possible,″ Hank sighed. ″But whatever, I think I just will never be a fan of this whole I-date-my-partner inhouse-romance thing.″

″Come on Hank, you must be blindfolded if you didn't see that coming,″ Alvin grinned.

″Saw what coming?″ he asked and furrowed a brow.

″Erin and Jay. I saw it coming from the day you partnered them up with each other. I still know how I thought: Well, let's see how this will play out.″

″Why didn't you say something back then?″ Hank asked gruffly.

″I thought you knew what you were doing. That you were aware of the possibilities. I mean, you partnered two young, single, attractive people up with each other who from then on almost spent 24/7 with each other. What did you expect them to do?″ Alvin asked, taking a pull from his cigar.

″Listen to my rules. For example. Not ignoring my orders. For example.″

″Against love we're all powerless. Even you my old friend,″ Alvin winked, giving Hank a pat on the back.

″Where do these words of wisdom come from?″

″Experience. Love always finds a way.″

″One of your intellectual days today, huh?″ Hank laughed.

″Maybe. But having two teenage daughters helps to learn that it's sometimes easier to accept things we can't change or prohibit anyway and let them figure everything out theirselves than trying to fight against it. And as I said, look at Erin. Was it really so bad that they didn't listen to your rules?″

Hank turned his head to the water again and watched how the two of them still tried to dunk each other and were then joined by the rest of their team members some moments later.

″No, not at all,″ he admitted quietly and looked to his long-time partner again.

″You see,″ Alvin grinned. ″Plus: Halstead's a good guy.″

″Yeah...I know,″ Hank nodded and took a long pull from his cuban cigar and watched how all of his detectives and officers now played with a football in the water and let new battles occur. For now, he was satisfied because everything proceeded in the way he wanted it to be. They all had fun and enjoyed their time together and they all would maybe think back to these days of joy and fun when heavy cases would hit them again soon.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

They all spent the rest of the day at the beach, played cards, Jenga or Uno in the shade, went for another swim in the lake or played volleyball or soccer again. By the early evening, they went back to their rooms, took a quick shower and relaxed on their beds for some moments before making themselves ready for dinner.

Jay was the first who was completely ready and him and Erin had decided to meet at the big patio before dinner so that they'd maybe have a little time just for themselves and use this for a little walk along the beach to one of the lighthouses. As Erin wasn't as fast as him, he strolled through the garden a bit and then watched the waves of the lake getting stronger with every minute passing for a while.

″You got a minute?″ the familar raspy voice of his boss appeared from behind. He turned around and saw Hank standing right there, carrying two glasses of scotch.

″Yeah, sure,″ Jay answered.

″Here,″ Hank said and offered him one of the glasses. ″Take it, it's not poisoned.″

″I didn't think...uhm...thank you,″ Jay spluttered and took the glass.

″How's Erin been doing lately?″ Hank asked, keeping his gaze focused on the waves and sipping on his scotch.

Jay felt how any color fell from his face and he felt hot and cold at the same time. Hank couldn't know about their little secret, right? No. There was no way.

″Uhm, she's doing good,″ Jay answered, not sure what his girlfriend's pseudo-father wanted to hear.

″Yaah?″

″Yeah,″ Jay frowned. ″I'm sorry but what is this about, Sarge?″

″You guys nearly broke up some weeks ago, I think I just wanted to make sure that everything is okay. Erin...she can be quite a handful sometimes.″

″We're good. I think we're even closer than we've been before,″ Jay answered, scanning his boss for a second before also focusing on the waves again.

″Mhm,″ Hank mumbled. ″Listen...uhm...I guess I wanted to thank you Jay. For making her happy and for being so patient with her. For accepting her past and her issues and for giving her the time and space she needs. I'm glad she has you,″ Hank explained, trying to find the right words to express that the young detective has really started to grow on him during the past year.

Jay turned his head around again and glared at him in disbelief. He didn't see this one coming. Was Hank Voight really trying to tell him that he accepted him as the man in Erin's life?

″Uhm, always,″ Jay only answered as he honestly didn't know what else to say.

″So, my birthday is coming up in August and I just want to do a small barbeque with my family. Nothing glamorous. Justin, Olive and Daniel will come and Erin of course and as you belong to Erin, you're also a part of this family now...so...I just wanted to invite you in person to celebrate with us,″ Hank said and now turned his head around to the younger man.

Jay needed a moment to realize what was happening there. He really just got Hank Voight's approval. The one man, who has always made him feel like he wasn't good enough for dating Erin, who he has clashed with on so many occasions in the past, had just basically made him a part of his family, had approved him as the man on Erin's side. Any other time Jay would've been unbelievably proud and happy right now but with the little secret they still had, he kept his joy about Hank's unexpected warm words within limits.

″Thank you. I really appreciate it,″ Jay answered and gave his boss a little smile.

″Cheers,″ Hank said and clinked his glass with Jay's.

″Yeah, cheers,″ Jay also said and emptied his glass in one gulp. He'd maybe need another one of this. Or two. Or three. Because he already knew that Hank Voight would regret all of these nice words when they were finally going to tell him about the pregnancy.

″Alright, let's get back to the patio, the others should be there within the next minutes,″ Hank suggested, gave Jay a pat on the back and walked to the patio with him where they were joined by the rest of the team some minutes later.

″I'm sorry for not making it in time,″ Erin apologized as she took the seat right next to Jay.

″No problem, we still have tomorrow evening,″ he said and laid his hand on her knee, stroking it softly with his thumb. ″You're looking beautiful tonight, by the way,″ he twinkled with a smirk surrounding his lips and earned a fond smile from her back in response.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Friday evening and Saturday morning passed and the team had a blast going bowling and go-carting. After having lunch at a nice little restaurant close to the lake, they returned to their hotel in the early afternoon and Hank gave them all two hours off for relaxing, sleeping or whatever else they wanted to do before they were going to do a boat tour later the day.

″I will go for a swim in the pool, you're in Erin?″ Kim asked as they stood in the lobby, waiting for the elevator.

″No way, I ate so much I would sink like the Titantic,″ Erin laughed.

″Too bad. I'll go anyway because I think it'll help me to feel better.″

″Do that,″ Erin said and turned her head to Jay, raised her eyebrows while looking at him and gave him a little grin. He twinkled back in response, confirming her that he'd understood the sign she was giving him.

Back in their room, Kim changed into her bikini and five minutes after she had left, there was the silent knock on the door Erin has been waiting for.

″Hey,″ she grinned and let him sneak into the room and then let him crash her lips with an intense, longing kiss immediately.

″I feel like a teenager on field excursion who has to meet his girlfriend stealthily and who always has to take care not getting caught from the teacher...or classmates,″ he chuckled after the kiss just to kiss her again.

″Yep, that sums up our situation pretty good,″ she laughed, locked the door and laid down on the bed with him, immediately snuggling onto his side. He looked down into her eyes, saw that her smile was real again and that her eyes started to sparkle again. No matter whether it was because they were out of their daily routine or because they simply had so much fun with their friends. This weekend did her good. It distracted her. Kept her from thinking about their future all the time.

″How do you feel today, Er?″ he mumbled into her hair, kissing it softly.

″Pretty good. Didn't have any morning sickness today either, so maybe it's really gone now. And in general...I don't know. It may sound weird but we had so much fun today and yesterday and I felt so good, I kinda forgot that I'm pregnant,″ she answered while her hand softly tickled his abs.

″Yeah, I had that feeling, too,″ Jay chuckled and kissed her again while Erin's hand moved from his abs further down to open the belt and button of his shorts.

″Wait wait wait, what are you up to?″ Jay grinned and held her hand back from going down to that one place where he wouldn't be able to hold it back anymore.

″Jay, Kim went for a swim, we have about half an hour. Maybe less. So what do you think I'm up to?″ Erin answered dryly.

″Let me get this straight: during the last one and a half weeks when we were at home you barely touched me and now we're here and out of a sudden you want to sleep with me again?″

″Looks like, huh?″ she smirked, placing her hand under his shirt and stroking his skin with her fingers.

″I already started to believe this is some kind of punishment...for...knocking you up,″ he laughed and slightly shivered by her soft touches and by the way her fingers caressed his skin.

″Well, I thought about that,″ Erin chuckled in response, lifting her head up towards him and looed at him all innocent. ″But then I was like: Erin, you only punish yourself with it, that's not fair,″ she laughed.

″Not fair?″ he echoed and rolled them over with one gallant move, firming his hands up on the mattress and looking directly into her smiling face, could see the passion in her eyes.

″Yep. Not fair. Plus, it's too late anyway, so why not having a little fun?″ she shrugged.

″Hank's in the room next to us,″ Jay teased her.

″That's the last thing I care about right now,″ Erin whispered and in that moment, Jay finally closed the small gap between their faces to exchange some hot and longing kisses with her. Their touches got more intense and they started to undress each other quickly...until someone knocked on the door.

″Erin?! Why is the door locked?″ Kim called from outside.

″This is not true,″ Jay sighed and stopped kissing and undressing his girlfriend. ″What now?″ he asked while it was clear that he was already ready for more than just this little foreplay.

″Bathroom,″ she whispered, pulled him off and gave him his shirt and shorts.

″Erin?!″ Kim called again.

″Yeah, wait, I'm coming,″ Erin answered, slipped into her top and her shorts and guided Jay to the bathroom.

″Sorry, I fell asleep,″ she said as she opened the door and let Kim into their room, still trying to find a solution how to get Jay out of the room. Or how to explain her friend why he was here.

″Yeah, looks like,″ Kim answered, scanning her friend.

Only now Erin took a look in the mirror next to the door to see that her hair was a complete mess. In addition her cheeks were a little red from the adrenaline that had gone through her body in excitement some minutes ago.

″How was your swim? Didn't expect you to be back so soon,″ Erin said casually.

″I see that,″ she answered, eyeing their bed.

″As I said, I fell asleep,″ Erin tried to explain but it was too late already.

″Aha. And the bathroom door is locked exactly why?″

″Because...″ Erin said and bit her lower lip. There was no chance of getting out of this. ″Jay came for a quick visit and had to use our bathroom.″ Of course this wasn't the truth but it wasn't a lie either. But Kim was clever enough to put one and one together.

″Erin! I can't believe you did it in our bed! On my sheets!″ Kim called with a look of reproach on her face.

″No worries, we didn't get that far,″ Jay said as he suddenly sneaked out of the bathroom. ″Well, uhm, bye then,″ he added and literally ran out of the room, leaving the two women alone.

″Just because you didn't get so far doesn't change anything. You wanted to do it in my bed,″ she spat.

″Kim, honestly, how many people do you think already had sex in this bed, huh?″

″I don't wanna think about that.″

″The answer you're looking for is many,″ Erin said.

″Many,″ Kim echoed. ″But they still didn't do it on my sheets,″ she noticed.

″Who knows,″ Erin shrugged.

″Now it gets even more disgusting,″ Kim said but also had to chuckle and shook her head.

″I'm sorry. For this. It just...kinda happened, you know?″ Erin said and smiled innocently.

″Yeah I get it and I forgive you. But please, find another place next time, okay?″ she grinned.

″We will. So, you didn't tell me yet why you're already here...″

″Well,″ Kim said and sat down on the edge of the bed, ″Adam was there, too,″ she sighed.

Erin grabbed the half empty cookie package from the day before, sensing they were going to need it, and sat down right next to her.

″If you wanna talk about it, I'm here," she said.

″Maybe I made a mistake,″ Kim sighed.

″What do you mean?″

″Sean. Adam. Both of them. When I saw Adam swimming in the pool I just stood there like a stone for some time and watched him and my heart started to flutter. Until someone basically asked me why I was grinning like an idiot. I realized that he still attracts me. Even after everything that happened. I think in this moment I slightly started to fall in love with him again and that's why I ran away and came back. All the memories came back...″

″Did you ever stop loving him, Kim?″

″He was such a jerk after our break-up...″

″This wasn't my question,″ Erin noticed.

″No,″ Kim mumbled, looking to Erin for the first time since they've started this conversation. ″I wanted to marry him, Erin. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Of course I can't turn off all these deep feelings within weeks.″

″So the thing with Roman...″

″I really like him. But I'm just using him, I think. And that's not fair. He's such a nice guy and he doesn't deserve to get used. It's just...he was there, he made me laugh, we had fun, he made me feel special...I was able to forget when I was with him and that felt good. God, I'm a horrible person,″ Kim sighed.

″I think what you did is a normal reaction-″

″That doesn't make it better,″ Kim immediately interrupted her friend.

″You tried to move on, you tried to forget and you didn't want to be alone. The hardest thing after a break-up is that you suddenly have so much time. Time to think about all these nice memories. You feel like the loneliest person in the world and you come home in the evening, stare at the walls and try everything not to think about him. But it doesn't work like this and you start to scroll through old photos instead. Going through a break-up is one of the toughest things, especially when you wanted to marry. You were in a vulnerable space, Kim. And then there was someone who suddenly made you feel good again, made you laugh again. Everyone deserves to be happy, so don't blame yourself that you longed for a little bit of happiness,″ Erin said, giving her friend a little smile.

″The way you say it, it really doesn't sound so bad. But still, I used Sean. I think I somehow wanted to hurt Adam. Wanted him to get jealous. He never liked Sean, so it was kinda perfect. I did it on purpose Erin. At least in the beginning. Because I wanted Adam to react exactly like he did. But now, I don't know how I feel about Sean. He's kind and patient and so different than Adam. And he did so many cute things for me lately. I really like him. And I don't want to break his heart. What am I going to do Erin?″ she asked, grabbing another cookie.

″I think you need time, Kim. I think you should give yourself some time. I honestly think all of this happened too fast. Adam is a nice guy but he needs to grow up and you know that. Think about the reasons why it didn't work, why you broke up and then think about whether giving him a second chance is a possibility or not.″

″Maybe Adam doesn't want me anymore,″ she said quietly.

″You just figured out yourself that he still is crazily jealous. This is enough proof that he still has feelings for you. But as I said, think about what you want, Kim. I think you should also distance yourself from Roman for a while to figure out what you really feel for him, whether you really just used him or whether there are deeper feelings for him. Give yourself some time. In the end it's your choice what to do. Only your's Kim. You gotta do what's the right thing for you to do, not what anyone else, or in this case me, tells you," Erin said.

″I think you're right.″

″I wouldn't exactly say I'm right because I'm usually the last person you should ask for relationship advice.″

″Why? Your relationship works and looks so easy.″

″Maybe it looks easy. But I'm surely not the reason it works. It's Jay. I was on the edge of screwing our relationship up so many times already but thanks to his unbelievable attitude of always understanding and accepting my issues and not pushing me into anything but instead giving me the time I need it works,″ she explained. ″However, I just think you need some time. But that doesn't mean that giving yourself some time to deal with everything is the right way for you, you know what I mean?″ Erin asked, not being sure whether her words made any sense at all.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ Kim answered. ″Thank you Erin. For listening and for being there and for trying to help me. I'm really glad to have a friend like you.″

″No problem, Kim. I'm always there for you. Girls must stick together,″ Erin grinned.

″Definitely,″ Kim laughed. ″I know you're not allowed to drink but is there any chance that there's something alcoholic in this fridge?″ she asked and pointed to the small fridge under the TV.

″I don't know, let's see,″ Erin said, got up from the bed and opened the fridge. ″Something like this maybe?″ she asked and held a can of sparkling wine up.

″Oh damn yes, perfect,″ Kim sighed. ″Would you mind if I...?″

″Take it already,″ Erin answered before Kim was able to finish her question and handed her the can.

″Thanks,″ she said, opened the can and for a moment it looked like she was going to empty it in one never-ending gulp.

″Uhm Kim, I'm afraid this boat trip won't end too well when you take it like this,″ Erin laughed.

″Too late,″ she shrugged, took another gulp and then placed the empty can on the floor. ″Are there more?″

″You don't wanna know.″

″What?″ Kim frowned.

″You told me I shall keep you from doing anything stupid while we're here and that's exactly what I'm doing now,″ Erin explained casually.

″But...-″

″How about we both make us ready and then go for a giant sundae before the boat trip. I heard ice cream has the ability to make people happy,″ she winked. ″Plus, I'm allowed to eat ice cream, you know?″

″Well...that sounds like a good plan,″ Kim grinned, got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After spending the rest of the afternoon and the early evening on the boat, Erin and Jay had finally time for their little stroll. They walked along the beach towards the pier with the lighthouse, holding each other's hands tightly, Erin's hair and her summer dress slightly fluttering in the wind, while the sun started to set on the horizon. Erin told Jay about the newest developments with 'the love-triangle', how they used to call it, and they both came to the conclusion that the outgoing of this was for sure going to be an interesting one in any way.

When they were finally on the farthest point of the pier, Jay wrapped his arms around her from behind and then they watched the sun go down like this while the spray splashed up to them from time to time.

″You know, when I hear stories like the one with Burgess, Roman and Ruzek I'm even happier for what we have,″ he murmured into her ear as the red fireball on the horizon dunked into the lake deeper and deeper.

″Me too. It makes our relationship almost seem easy, doesn't it?″ she chuckled.

″Yeah, but only almost,″ he joked and felt how she softly punched her elbow into his gut.

″I know our relationship is far away from being easy Jay. But I still think we're doing a pretty good job,″ she said with a voice that was all serious again.

″We do, Er,″ he confirmed and placed a soft kiss on her hair. ″And honestly, it would be boring if everything was smooth and easy,″ he laughed.

″Yeah, most likely,″ she also laughed.

″And if everything would go as planned,″ he whispered into her ear and placed his hand on her stomach for the very first time, stroking it softly with his thumb. Until now, he has always had the feeling that she wouldn't appreciate that little gesture. But with the way this weekend has turned out so far, it seemed like she has started to accept her pregnancy a little more and this moment now seemed to be perfect for this next little step.

In the first moment, Erin slightly startled by this unfamilar touch but she had to admit that his large hand covering her stomach protectively was quite a nice feeling. She didn't say anything, just laid her hand on top of his, gently stroking his knuckles with her thumb. They stood there in silence and just listened to the swoosh of the water until the sun was completely set.

″We should go back. The poker and game night starts soon,″ Erin said as she turned around and looked into his face, a soft smile surrounding his lips.

″You know what's weird? This is such a nice place to watch the sunset and we're the only people here. Completely alone,″ he said with a naughty grin appearing on his face before his lips crashed hers.

″Wanna tell me something Jay?″ she chuckled after the kiss.

″No, what should I wanna tell you?″ he twinkled innocently.

″Dunno. For a minute I thought...-″ she started but was immediately interrupted by another longing kiss as he caressed her tongue with his. Erin could feel her pulse and heartbeat quicken and her body heat up, even more than this afternoon. She craved for him, she needed him and the same apparently applied for him. Her fingers trailed down his back and she pulled him even closer. Jay moved his hands from her sides to her thighs and lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist, gently cradled his head and placed hot kisses in his neck, giggling into his ear, her breathing being as heavy as Jay's. He softly pushed her against the cool walls of the red-and-white lighthouse, making quick work of her panties while Erin fumbled on the belt and button of his shorts and helped him to strip his boxers, letting his growing erection go free and then letting their passion explode some moments later...

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

″We just had sex at a lighthouse. In a public place,″ Erin giggled when they walked back to their hotel.

″Yep, we had. Another one to scratch off the bucket list,″ Jay chuckled in response.

″You're having a bucket list with places you want to have sex at?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows while looking at him.

″Sure. Don't you?″ he asked back and seemed to be all serious about this.

″Uhm, no,″ she answered, shaking her head and glaring at him like he was out of his mind. ″What other places are on that list though?″

″The Sahara, the Moon, the Arctic. But before reaching for the big one's it's something like the bullpen for starters. Or maybe Voight's office,″ he laughed and Erin slowly realized that he was just fooling her. But of course she didn't show him yet.

″Hmm...I think I'd like that. Let's do in on the next occasion,″ she answered casually but had to laugh hard when she saw all the color dropping from his face.

″Damn, Er, for a minute I thought were serious about this,″ he sighed.

″Just as I believed that thing with the bucket list for a second,″ she grinned. ″But talking about Voight: what exactly are we going to tell him why we're more than thirty minutes late?″

″We had sex at the lighthouse?″ he suggested and chuckled again.

″Oh yeah, let's do that and he will drown you in the lake even before we tell him about baby Halstead,″ she laughed but didn't see how a bright smile appeared on Jay's face. This was the first time she has talked about their baby and sounded sort of happy at the same time. And it was also the first time that she has given their baby some kind of a pet name. Baby Halstead. These two words resounded in his head and let him grin like a Chesire Cat.

″Erin to Jay, are you still there or...?″ Erin laughed and flipped her fingers in front of his face.

″Uhm, yeah. Just thinking about the best possible excuse,″ he smirked.

″And, what did you come up with?″

″Let's simply say we got lost.″

″On the way from the hotel to the lighthouse and back? Where you just have to go straight along the beach? Sorry Jay but he'll never believe that.″

″Do you have a better idea?″

″We could simply say we forgot time. How about that?″

″That's just as bad as getting lost. Plus it will only take him two seconds to figure out what we really did when we say that, so we can stay with option number one,″ he chuckled.

″No way.″

″Okay, how about that: you were attacted by a giant lobster and I had to defend you and fight against it?″ he joked.

″It doesn't get any better,″ she chuckled and slightly shook her head by this goofy statement of her boyfriend. ″How about we say nothing at all and sit down like: oh, we thought it starts now?″

″Hmm, well. Maybe,″ Jay shrugged. ″But I still like the lobster-story better,″ he winked, giving her an innocent smile and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, placing a soft kiss on her temple.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

When they drove home on Sunday afternoon, they all had to admit that Hank had been right and had really proved them wrong. This weekend has been anything but a waste of time. It was even more the opposite: it has been one of the best weekends in a long time, a lot better than going to a football or basketball game in Chicago together or spending the evenings at Mollys. This weekend had brought them closer together and had their bonds let become even stronger, even Roman and Ruzek had managed to get along with each other. They all had laughed, they had joked, they had shared stories, they had teased each other and simply have had a lot of fun in general. At this point nobody knew that they would need this team spirit and each other even more in the weeks to come...

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 **Thanks to all who read it to the end, lol :D Reviews are appreciated!**


	17. One In A Million

**Hey,**

 **thank you all so much again for the reviews, I'm so happy that you all liked the team-building-chapter as it was the hardest chapter for me to write yet! I'm sorry for not updating earlier, uni is crazy at the moment but it's just three more weeks and then I'll be done with this semester and will have time to update weekly again! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything regarding Chicago PD neither do I own the song "One In A Million" by Bosson.**

* * *

 **17\. One In A Million**

″What do you think about this one?″ Erin asked Jay as she stepped out of the dressing room, wearing a short, elegant dark blue dress. Jay, who sat right in front of the rooms in an armchair looked up from his phone, that kept him entertained throughout this never-ending shopping trip for a dress for Platt's wedding, to her and scanned her from head to toes.

″I really like it. It's good,″ Jay shrugged. After rating what felt like 100 dresses already he started to get tired of this whole shopping trip and walking through one department store after another.

″Good as in good or good as in bad?″

″Uhm...What?″ he frowned.

″This is the 15th dress I show you...-″

″Make it 25...,″ he mumbled and immediately got a death glare from her.

″This is the 15th dress I show you and for the 15th time you say it's looking good. Can you maybe say something else?″ she asked him, raising her eyebrows.

″What shall I say, Er? This one looks good and all the other ones did, too,″ he simply answered and this was the truth. In every dress she simply looked stunning. No matter which color it had or how it was cut. But none of them seemed to meet her requirements though.

″They didn't. Not each and every dress can look good,″ she disagreed.

″But they do because you're beautiful,″ he said with a smile, trying to save this conversation, this moment, this day. But Erin was obviously on the warpath today.

″You know I think you just want me to take one, no matter how it looks, so we can finish this shopping trip and can go home!″

″Seriously Erin, what's your problem right now? You tried so many dresses and they all fit and looked great. When I buy a suit I try one and if it fits and looks good I take it. That's it,″ he said and his voice was a little bugged now.

″That's the problem right there. Men have it so easy all the time,″ she snapped, went back into the dressing room and slammed the door.

Jay just sighed and shook his head. He couldn't help but think that her last statement was not only about the difference between buying dresses and suits. Ever since coming home from New Buffalo one week ago she tended to be moody quite often and it also seemed like the happiness she has had there was just short-lived. It seemed like the steps she had made forward there, she was about to make back again. And with the way their shopping trip has turned out now he also kind of feared that this were already the pregnancy hormones which started to show. And if her attitude would be like this for the next 28 weeks, goodbye world.

Some moments later, Erin stepped out of the dressing room again, wearing her jeans and her shirt.

″What's up now?″ Jay frowned.

″I'm done, we can go home, you can celebrate,″ she answered dryly.

″You decided for one?″ he asked and couldn't hide the surprised undertone in his voice.

″Nope. I'll buy a dress with Kim tomorrow because you're a horrible shopping partner,″ she snapped and walked past him.

″Thank you, the same to you,″ he called and followed her. Jay had expected her to turn around and snap back but instead she ignored his remark and walked away from him even faster. This day and their whole weekend in general were on the best way to end in a desaster.

″Erin,″ he called when they were almost out of the department store and it didn't seem like she wanted to wait for him. She stopped and he took some big steps to close the gap between them.

″Er, I'm sorry,″ he said with a low voice into her ear from behind. She slowly turned around and looked at him, her facial expression still being slightly furious.

″Why are you apologizing?!″ she snapped.

″Because I don't want us to fight, Er,″ he simply answered and held his hands up in defence. ″It's weekend and I want to enjoy my time with you but instead we're arguing about nonsense. And if we keep it going like this we better spend the rest of the weekend seperated before we kill each other. But I don't want to spend the weekend without you, you know?″

″But you have nothing to apologize for,″ she quietly admitted and bit her lower lip. ″This is not on you. It's me...and I don't even know why.″

″Oh I know. You're maybe a tiny bit grumpy today,″ he said and gave her his cutest little smile that had the unique ability to lighten up her mood instantly and even letting a small smile return to her face.

″Thanks for the understatement,″ she said with a little laughter.

″Always,″ he laughed. ″How about getting my grumpy girl a pizza to save the day?″

″Yeah, lunch sounds pretty good right now,″ she said.

″Let's go then,″ he winked, wrapped her arm around her neck and placed a soft kiss on her temple.

″Jay, I'm sorry for...you know...freaking out,″ she said as they left the department store.

″Mhm,″ he mumbled. ″I know.″

″But that doesn't change the fact that you're a horrible shopping partner and that I'll never go shopping with you again,″ she added with a laughter and earned a soft punch into her side from him in response.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

The following day, it was Kim and Erin who hit Michigan Avenue together and went from one store to another as Kim also needed a new dress for the wedding. Kim found hers pretty fast but once again it was Erin who had struggles to find one.

″Wow, this is gorgeous,″ Kim smiled as Erin stepped out of the dressing room, wearing the same dark blue dress she has already tried the day before.

″Kim, you're just as bad as Jay, honestly,″ Erin sighed, flattened the fabric with her hand and took a look in the mirror.

″Why?″

″Because no matter which dress I tried he said it's good, it's good, it's good. And you're doing exactly the same thing, just using a different word.″

″Ever thought about the possibility that he has told you the truth? Every dress you tried yet looked stunning, Erin. But it's you who likes none of them,″ she answered and gave her friend a meaningful glance.

″It's not that I don't like them...it's just...″ she hummed and hawed, staring to the floor as if she wanted to find the right words there.

″It's just?″ Kim echoed. ″What's the deal Erin?″ she then asked and Erin sat down in the armchair right next to her.

″It's...two days ago I realized that my bras started getting a little tight,″ she mumbled and looked down at her décolleté.

″So what?″ Kim shrugged.

″So what?″ Erin echoed and her voice was rising. ″My bras started to not fit me anymore!″

″I understood that part, Erin. But you're thirteen weeks soon, you're past your first trimester. What did you expect? That nothing changes?″

″I know that my body is going to change, Kim and that's hard enough to accept already. But I didn't think it already starts now,″ she admitted and her voice was more or less back to a normal tone.

″Already? I think you're really lucky that your stomach still is as flat as always. My sister started to show at around twelve weeks,″ Kim said and gave Erin a smile.

″This isn't helping,″ Erin answered and covered her head in her hands.

″I'm sorry,″ Kim said and laid her hand on Erin's back. ″I still don't quite know what this has to do with the dresses though...″

Erin sighed, got up and then looked at herself in the mirror again.

″No matter which dress I try, I only see this,″ she said and pointed at her breasts. ″And I don't want everyone else to see it, too. But whichever dress I'm going to buy they can and will see it.″

″Erin, I tell you something,″ Kim said, also got up and wrapped her arm around Erin's shoulders. ″This woman in there,″ she said and pointed to Erin's reflection in the mirror, ″is a stunner in every single way, okay? And yes, she recognized that something has changed and it's understandable that this is all she's seeing right now. But I promise her, no one else can see it already. To be honest, I scanned her for any signs when she'd tried her first dress earlier but I didn't recognize anything,″ Kim explained and smiled.

″Really?″ Erin asked, giving Kim a small smile back.

″Yes. There's nothing you have to worry about,″ Kim winked.

″Thank you. I guess I needed to hear that,″ she grinned.

″Guess you did. And how did you say last week? Girls must stick together,″ Kim laughed. ″But now back to all the dresses. Which one did you like best?″

″Hmm, I don't know but I really like this one,″ she shrugged.

″As I said, it looks gorgeous but I'm afraid you can't take it,″ Kim said and sounded all serious.

″Wait, just some minutes ago you told me that my...-″

″Erin, easy,″ Kim interrupted her. ″With this dress you're going to look more beautiful than the bride and this is a no-go,″ she chuckled.

″Which means Platt's literally going to kill me,″ Erin sighed.

″Not just literally,″ Kim laughed.

″Great. But it's my favorite of all of them and I feel comfortable with it. And Jay liked it,″ she grinned. ″At least I think so.″

″I'm sure he did and well...I think you should just take it then. But maybe you should go to the wedding without make-up to not outshine the bride,″ Kim laughed.

″Says the girl who looked just as stunning in her dress,″ Erin smiled. ″But hey, maybe my dress won't fit anymore by next weekend anyway,″ she shrugged and went back into the dressing room.

″Erin...″ Kim called.

″Was a joke,″ Erin replied with a chuckle.

″It better was.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After entering more stores and coffeeshops on Michigan Avenue, Erin came back to her place by the late afternoon, bringing Indian takeout for her and Jay. She was quite surprised to find Jay and Will sitting on her couch, their legs propped on the coffee table in front of them and watching the Cubs game.

″Hey guys,″ Erin greeted the two men who seemed to be fully concentrated on the game.

″Oh, hi Erin,″ Will said as he turned his head around. ″How are you doing?″

″I'm good. What about you?″

″Not bad either,″ he answered, placed his beer bottle on the table and got up from the couch while Erin stored all of her shopping bags in the hall.

″Guess I better go then, bro,″ Will said to his brother. Jay was about to say something but Erin was faster.

″Will, I don't bite and this food is enough for all of us,″ she said and waved with the paper bag in her hand.

″Thanks for the invitation but I was on the go anyway,″ he smiled.

″In the middle of the game?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows while looking at her boyfriend's brother.

″Yeah...uhm...you sure it's okay when I'm here at your place?″

″Of course, Will. You're family,″ she winked and not only Will was surprised by her words but also Jay. Until now it has always been Jay who has called her a part of HIS family, like after the barbeque with his aunt and uncle in Wisconsin some weeks ago, but this was the first time that she called someone other than Jay or Hank a part of HER family, that she talked about family in general.

″Well then I'll stay,″ he grinned and sat down next to his brother again.

″Good decision,″ she laughed and went to the kitchen to grab some plates for them.

″Did you find a dress?″ Jay asked her as she came back and placed the plates and the food on the table.

″Mhm,″ she nodded and started to fill her plate with rice and chicken-curry.

″I'm proud of you,″ he chuckled and as he didn't want to kiss her and make his brother feel like a third-wheel even more than he surely already felt, he just gave her a twinkle and a smitten smile.

″I'm proud of myself, too,″ she laughed.

″Erin, are you maybe a bit hungry today?″ Will grinned and eyed her full plate.

″Maybe I was too nice to you Will, huh?″ she noticed but still had to grin while she started to eat her dish.

″Will, there's a Halstead growing in there, so of course she's hungry,″ Jay chuckled.

″Exactly. So small but already has its father's main attitude,″ she answered all dry while both, Will and Jay had to laugh quite hard.

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with chilling on the couch, watching another game and joking around a bit more. Erin had to admit that she really enjoyed these family vibes. More than she thought she would. First meeting Jay's aunt and uncle and now spending some quality time with Jay and his brother made her feel like being a part of a real family again. A family where everyone cared about each other, where everyone was there for each other and where it was fun to spend time with each other. That kind of family she didn't have until moving into Hank's house. That kind of family she had lost for some time after Camille's death as it had brought so many demons Justin and Hank had to fight against. And maybe, deep down in her heart, the thought of having her own little family soon started to grow on her in the same way her baby grew inside of her.

After the game was over, Will made himself ready to go as he didn't want to disturb the two of them any longer.

″It was really nice,″ Erin smiled as she hugged her pseudo-brother-in-law.

″It was, thanks for making me stay though,″ he grinned and then gave his brother a pat on the back.

″See you around,″ Jay said and also hugged his brother.

″See ya guys,″ he waved and left them alone.

Jay closed the door and wrapped his arm around Erin's waist, kissing her lips immediately.

″Jay, is Will maybe a bit scared of me or something?″ she asked him after ending the kiss.

″What? Why should he be?″ Jay frowned.

″Because he literally wanted to flee out of here as soon as I came in. This was...weird.″

″I think he didn't want to disturb us and felt kinda uncomfortable being here. He earlier called me and asked me whether he can come to my place so we can watch the game together as it was his day off today. But I was here and I didn't want to go to my place just to watch the game and then come back here, because you know, lazy sunday. So I told him he can join me here but I won't move further than from the couch to the fridge and back,″ he laughed. ″He wasn't really delighted by this idea and didn't want to come because this is your place, not mine.″

″How did you convince him that he came here anyway in the end?″

″I told him that this is as much my place as my apartment is your place,″ he shrugged. ″I mean, it was okay for you, wasn't it?″

″Of course, he's always welcome. And I think I understand now why he wanted to go. Must be awkward to be the third-wheel,″ she laughed.

″Oh, Will's a big boy and he can deal with that, no worries,″ he also laughed and placed another kiss on her lips again.

″Looks like you found more than just a dress though,″ he then chuckled and eyed all the bags that were still stored in the hall.

″Maybe,″ she shrugged and smiled at him all innocent.

″You're going to show me?″

″Maybe,″ she twinkled at him.

″Please,″ he pleaded puppy-eyed.

″You know I can't say no when you look at me like this, right?″

″Yes, I know that,″ he chuckled and a winning smile rushed over his face as he knew she succumbed to his charms.

″Okay, wait here,″ she grinned, kissed his cheek and then grabbed her bags and disappeared in the bathroom while Jay curled up on the couch again.

Some minutes later she came back into the living room, wearing the all too familar dark blue dress.

″Somehow this dress rings a bell but I really can't remember why,″ he laughed, scanning her from head to toes once again. And once again not being able to believe that this beautiful girl was his girl. His one and only.

″I can't remember either,″ she grinned, dimples forming at the corners of her mouth and her cheeks. ″Do you still like it?″ she asked and sat down in his lap.

″I love it,″ he murmured and crashed her lips with a passionate kiss.

″Glad you approved,″ she smiled into his face, into those sparkling blue eyes that attracted her so much, that always flirted with her. ″Can you maybe help me to unzip it? I almost killed myself closing it.″

″Why didn't you ask me to help you then?″ he asked while his fingers first went up and down her spine and then unzipped her dress.

″Because then you would've seen my surprise too early,″ she twinkled, got up and let her dress fall down to the floor.

A little gasp escaped from his mouth as she now stood in front of him, only wearing her new, sexy lingerie that perfectly emphasized her body, especially her breasts which seemed to be a little fuller than usual.

″Damn Erin,″ he mumbled and also got up from the couch. ″Can you please stop being so hot?″ he breathed into her ear while his fingers caressed her bare waist.

″Okay,″ she chuckled, pulled off from him and walked towards the bathroom, leaving her perplex boyfriend in the living room.

″Uhm...wait,″ he called and followed her.

″Huh?″ She turned around again, a playful smirk surrounding her lips. ″You told me I shall stop being so hot, so I thought we're done here.″

″We're far from being done, Erin Lindsay,″ he grinned, pressed his lips against hers and then lifted her up by her thighs to carry her to the bedroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After another week filled with lots of work, heavy cases and some serious late night busts, the weekend of Platt's and Mouch's wedding was finally there. Jay felt kinda relieved when he put on his suit and a matching tie to Erin's dress on early Saturday afternoon. They had more or less kept their secret for the past three weeks, the things he had feared so much like Erin getting seriously injured during one of their busts, hadn't happened and the day where they were finally going to tell Hank, the day where Erin would eventually be on desk duty, was tangibly close. During the past days his worriedness about Erin and their baby has risen with every time they had to go in somewhere dangerous and a lot of stress has fallen from his body ever since they've come back to Erin's apartment last night, knowing that this was the last time she was out in the field with them and would be safe behind a desk from now on.

Just after he had tied his tie, Erin joined him in the bedroom and Jay's eyes were popping out of his head by her appearance. The dark blue dress combined with her high heels, her brown-blonde hair pinned-up with some strands falling down and her subtle make-up made her look absolutely incredible. Erin had to grin when she saw how he wasn't able to stop staring at her but it was the perfect reason for her to stare back at him, because he didn't look bad at all either in his black suit and white shirt with the dark blue tie. Nonetheless it was Erin who found her voice again first.

″Stop drooling, Halstead,″ she teased him.

″Stop staring at me Lindsay,″ he joked back.

″I didn't stare. Was just checking whether your suit is nice enough for today's event,″ she smirked.

″And, is it?″

″Yeah, I think I can show up there with you.″

″Wow, I'm so lucky,″ he grinned and came some steps closer towards her.

″You are,″ she winked.

″Mhm,″ he only murmured and kissed her smiling lips. ″Are you ready to go then? Otherwise I'm not sure whether we'll ever make it to 51,″ he grinned afterwards, raising his eyebrow playfully.

″Well then we should better go before you can't keep it in your pants anymore, huh?″ Erin chuckled and gave him her most innocent smile ever.

″This is so much not funny anymore,″ he grimaced.

″This will never not be funny,″ she laughed.

″Sometimes I really wonder how someone who looks like an angel can be such a little witch.″

″You didn't just...-″ she started and narrowed her eyes while looking at him.

″Guess I did,″ he smirked. ″Come on now, otherwise we're going to be late,″ he said and reached for her hand.

″Oh no worries, my witches' broom is parked directly in front of the house. We'll be there in no time,″ she laughed and interlocked her fingers with his. ″Little witch,″ she whispered and slightly shook her head as they left her apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Some hours later they all sat outside firehouse 51, surrounded by the fire trucks, and witnessed one of the most chaotic but yet most charming wedding ceremonies ever. Everything went quite well until Mouch had to say his wedding vows he had prepared before.

″Trudy Platt,″ he started and everyone of the guests could hear how he took a deep breath. ″Trudy Platt,″ he said again, ″you are...my...uhm...my...uhm...I am...″ he spluttered and his face blushed into a dark red color. Once again he inhaled deeply.

″Trudy. Meeting you...uhm...I...I...you and me...,″ he sighed and shook his head.

″Did he just forget his wedding vows?″ Jay whispered into Erin's ear.

″Yes he did,″ she answered.

″Platt looks like she's about to kill him any second,″ he chuckled.

″This is not funny. Look at him, he's so nervous,″ Erin said, feeling really sorry for Mouch who obviously felt more than just uncomfortable right now.

″Trudy Platt,″ Mouch's voice sounded for a fourth time. ″I might have forgotten what I originally wanted to say...but all you need to know is...I love you...and...uhm...you're my...you're my one in a million, and...uhm...I want to spend the rest of my life with you,″ he spluttered once again and then looked to the priest to signalise that this was all he had to say, all he was able to say right now. The priest looked slightly confused for a second but then nodded to Platt. She also had to take a deep breath, but more to keep her anger under control as everyone assumed.

″Randall McHolland,″ she started. ″For a minute I thought about turning our wedding into your funeral,″ she said and some laughters escaped from the guest's lips. "But then I realized that this is who you are and that this is exactly the person I love. And it might helped that these words were the cutest thing you ever said to me yet. So I don't care about you forgetting your wedding vows and about your proposal, that didn't make it into the books of the greatest proposals in history. I don't care about this because I love you, Randall McHolland, for exactly these things and yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too,″ she ended her wedding vows that were surely planned completely different as well. Some laughters filled the air of this beautiful summer day again before the two of them exchanged their rings, were then pronounced husband and wife and were finally allowed to kiss each other.

After the ceremony, they all went into the big hall where they had arranged lots of tables and a giant buffet with enough food to provide the whole neighborhood for two days, so the majority of the afternoon and early evening was spent with eating, drinking, chatting and more eating.

″May I?″ a familar voice appeared next to Erin, who sat alone on her table and was occupied with her phone. Jay stood in another corner of the hall, talking with Matt and Antonio, Hank and Alvin had changed seats and now sat at Boden's table, Adam and Kevin were at the buffet to refill their plates for the 100th time and Kim had just left for the toilet.

″Sure,″ she said as she turned her head around to Kelly Severide who took the seat right next to her.

″Haven't seen you in a while, Lindsay,″ he smiled.

″Yeah, lots of stuff to do. Too many criminals in this city,″ she answered, looking at her ex-affair and trying to figure out what this was about.

″Still kickin' ass every day, huh?″

″Try my best,″ she laughed. ″What about you? Haven't seen you around either.″

″I also had a lot of stuff to do. Too many fires in this city, you know?″ he winked. ″But however, I just wanted to say hi and ask you how you're doing.″

″I'm doing good, Kelly. Really good.″

″Yeah, I thought that...because you're looking really good today, Lindsay″ he said and Erin was sure that his cheeks slightly blushed while he scanned her again. Did her ex really try to flirt with her right now?

″Thank you,″ she just answered and gave him a little smile. ″How are you doing though?″

″I'm fine. Saving lives every day.″

″That' not exactly what I meant but I think you know that,″ she said and now she was the one who scanned him for his reaction.

″Yeah, I know,″ he nodded. ″There are days when I think it finally gets easier but then something comes up that reminds me of her and I realize that it doesn't get less painful no matter how much time passes,″ he shrugged. ″It's hard and I guess it always will be. No day passes where I don't think about her. Just walking in here brings all the memories back,″ he said and gazed around in the big hall where usually the fire trucks were housed.

″I know what you mean,″ Erin sighed. ″Every day I walk past Nadia's stone in front of the 21st and so I think about her every day, too. Think about what a badass cop she would be right now. When I look at a picture of her I still want to cry, sometimes I can't hold my tears back. Then I think back to the many occasions we laughed together. Sometimes this helps, sometimes it makes it even worse. But this helps to keep all those memories alive and with it somehow keep her alive.″

″With Shay...all these memories still hurt so much. Sometimes I can't remember her voice, the sound of her laughter, her smile. Then I watch some old videos until I can't take it anymore. It reopens wounds that are not even closed yet. But however, this isn't the right occasion to talk about this. I mean, this should be a happy place today, right?″ he asked and forced a smile.

″It should be and it is a happy place. But on occasions like this wedding we also think automatically about the people who should be here with us today but aren't, about the people we miss so badly.″

″Mhm,″ he only nodded and stared at her. Erin turned her head around and grabbed her glass as she felt quite uncomfortable with it. ″Erin?″ he then said.

″Huh?″ she asked, looking at him again only to recognize that he still glared at her.

″I'm sorry for the way I treated you after Shay's death. You didn't deserve that,″ he quietly said.

″It's okay. You were in a dark place Kelly. I understand the reasons why you did it, maybe better than anyone else,″ she sighed. ″You severed all ties with the people who cared about you because you wanted to be alone and alcohol helped so much better to forget than talking about it with someone else. That's exactly what I did after Nadia's death last year. It was the wrongest thing I could've done but back then it felt right.″

″No, it's not okay. I acted like a jerk and I never really apologized for it. I screwed up and all the things I did...I want you to know that I'm sorry for it.″

″Okay,″ Erin just answered and smiled a little, still not being sure whether this was all he wanted to tell her or whether there was more to come. An awkward silence occured and none of them seemed to know what to say. Erin wished Kim would finally come back and wondered whether her friend got lost on the way to the toilet and back.

″I guess I will go for a little more dessert then,″ Kelly said and he obviously felt as awkward as Erin.

″You should try the chocolate mousse, it's delicious,″ she grinned.

″I will. Shall I bring you one, too?″ he smiled and got up while Erin realized that the flirting she had sensed was real.

″Uhm no, thanks. Jay wanted to bring me one...once he's ever going to finish his conversation,″ she laughed and glanced at her boyfriend across the hall who looked so damn handsome in his black pants and white shirt with the rolled up sleeves and the loosened tie. She didn't even realize how a fond smile appeared on her lips.

″Alright, see you around then,″ Kelly said and was already on the go before he turned around again. ″Erin?″

″Yeah?″ she asked and also turned her head to look at him again.

″I'm glad you found your one,″ he said and even laid his hand on her shoulder.

″What makes you think he's my one?″ she frowned.

″It's the way you look at him. I wish a woman one day looks at me like this, with eyes full of love,″ he said being all serious and Erin felt how her cheeks blushed within seconds.

″Uhm...it's not really that bad, is it?″ she laughed.

″It's actually pretty cute, Erin. And no worries, I saw the two of you earlier and well...he looks at you exactly the same way,″ he winked but Erin still couldn't help but think that he was flirting with her, no matter how hard he tried to tell her that he was happy for her. ″And as I said, I'm glad you found happiness. You're a great person and you deserve it.″

″You deserve that too,″ she said.

″Yeah, maybe...We'll see,″ he laughed and left her alone. But she wasn't alone for too long as Jay joined her some minutes later, bringing her the long awaited chocolate mousse.

″Finally,″ she laughed as he placed the dessert right in front of her.

″Sorry for letting you wait but you seemed to be in a conversation, too,″ he said while glancing at her.

″Yeah I was. And I didn't starve so I forgive you for letting me wait,″ she winked.

″What did Severide want though?″ he asked casually. At least he tried to ask casually but it stayed with a try.

″Just wanted to talk with me,″ she shrugged while eating her mousse.

″Mhm. Does he always TALK with others by laying his hand on their shoulders?″

With this statement Jay suddenly had Erin's full attention. She turned her head around and glared at him, slightly raising her eyebrow.

″If I didn't know it better I'd say you're jealous Jay Halstead,″ she noticed all dry.

″I'm not. I just didn't like the way he looked at you. Like he still has feelings for you.″

″Oh come on, don't get stupid now Jay. This was an eternity ago″ she answered and rolled her eyes.

″He flirted with you Erin.″

″We just talked. And even if he did flirt with me, I didn't flirt back or did you also see something there?″ she asked and recognized how she got more and more bugged from this whole conversation and Jay's unusual jealous behaviour. ″So stop being jealous about nothing, okay?″

″I'm not jealous,″ he said again and his voice was also rising but luckily the sound level around them was loud enough that no recognized yet that they were on the best way to pick up a fight.

″Yes you are. But you have absolutely no reason Jay,″ she said and suddenly her voice was softer again and she even gave him a little smile. ″He knows that I'm in a relationship.″

″That's not a reason for him for not trying it,″ he shrugged.

″But maybe our relationship is a reason for me why I would never flirt back let alone do anything else that maybe creeps through your jealous head right now,″ she snapped, got up from her chair and left him alone before he was able to answer anything.

″Erin,″ he said but of course she didn't care and almost ran out of the hall. In the same second Jay knew he had hurt her. Had more or less given her the impression that he didn't trust her. He hadn't wanted this conversation to go into this direction. He hadn't even intended to act like the crazy jealous boyfriend. But seeing Kelly Severide flirting and laughing with her was something he couldn't handle too well. He was her ex after all and just watching them for some minutes was enough for him for not being able to stay cool and calm anymore like he usually always was. Already now he didn't even know anymore why he had acted the way he had, why he had dugged deeper and deeper instead of just simply letting it go. Not for one single second he has been mad at Erin. He has been and still was mad at Severide for trying to flirt with her but it was Erin who has gotten the impact of his bad mood, of his stupid jealousy.

Jay sighed and rubbed his eyes with his hands. He needed to talk to her as soon as possible, apologize for the things he had said and for the way he had behaved.

″Where's Erin?″ a voice suddenly said behind him. He turned his head around and looked directly into the face of the man who was the trigger for all this drama: Kelly Severide, who stood right there, carrying two little glasses with chocolate mousse in his hand. It took Jay two seconds to figure out Severide's intentions. He tried to supress the urgent feel of wanting to punch him in the gut, or even further down, and reminded himself to stay calm.

″She went to the toilet,″ Jay lied.

″Ah, okay, then I'll maybe come back later,″ Kelly said and was about to go again.

″Severide wait a moment,″ Jay said and got up so he was able to talk to his opponent from face to face. ″Listen man, I think I just want to clarify that Erin is my girlfriend, okay?″ he said as friendly as possible but Severide started roaring in response.

″Halstead, she only has eyes for you,″ he answered and even gave him a pat on the back.

″I know,″ Jay nodded. ″But I want to be the only one who has eyes for her, you understand what I mean?″

″You can't bar me from talking to her.″

″I don't bar you from talking to her. And I would never bar her from talking to you either. But seriously, if you try flirting with her again our next conversation will not end too well.″

″I didn't flirt with her.″

″Oh come on and you brought her this dessert exactly why?″ Jay asked and pointed to the small glasses in Kelly's hand.

″I just wanted to be nice,″ he shrugged.

″Be nice to someone else. There are lots of single ladies here who will surely appreciate it. But Erin...she's my girl. And I won't be as stupid as you and let her ever go. She's the one. The one for ever,″ Jay said emphatic and for a moment it seemed like Kelly didn't know what to answer.

″Got the memo,″ he only nodded.

″Good for you,″ Jay answered, feeling unbelievably good out of a sudden.

″Mhm,″ Kelly mumbled and walked some steps away from Jay just to come back a moment later.

″Listen I'm sorry...and...uhm...good luck, Halstead,″ he said and reached for Jay's hand. First Jay was a little perplex but then he took it. ″She deserves someone like you. Someone who fights for her. Someone who treats her in a way I wasn't able to treat her. So, make the best out of it,″ he winked.

″I will,″ Jay nodded with a smile before Severide turned around again and left him alone so he was finally able to look for Erin and to set the record straight.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

It was a mild evening and it only took Jay some seconds to find his girlfriend. She was sitting in the twilight on one of the benches outside of the firehouse and stared up to the moon that already appeared on the firmament. He waited a moment and thought about the right words, about the things he wanted to tell her and then walked over to the bench and sat down right next to her. Erin didn't move, just kept her gaze focused on the sky. It wasn't on her to say something anyway.

″Erin I'm sorry,″ he said with the softest of voices.

″I didn't want this and my behavior was stupid and I wanted to tell you that this won't happen again,″ he added as she seemed to further ignore him. It took some more time but then she finally turned her head around, her facial expression still being slightly disappointed.

″Do you trust me Jay?″ she asked quietly, almost insecure.

″Of course I do trust you. I trust you with my life and you know that,″ he answered without hesitation.

″That's not what I mean and YOU know that.″

″I trust you in each and every situation, Er,″ he then clarified, hoping that this was enough to convince her. ″Listen, I'm sorry for the things I said. I didn't think about it and what I did and said was stupid. It was never my intention to give you the feeling that I don't trust you, Er. It's Severide I don't trust. I saw him flirting with you and laughing with you and he had this look in his eyes and then...I don't know...something inside of me freaked out. He's your ex and...damn I don't know,″ he sighed.

″Exactly Jay, he's my ex. My ex. And there's a reason why he's my ex. Because it didn't work. Because he wasn't really a gentleman back then, a nice guy. But us Jay, ″ she said, ″you and me, that works and you're usually a gentleman and a nice guy, actually the most darling guy I know. At least I thought so until some minutes ago,″ she shrugged while she was still glaring at him.

″Guitly as charged. I wasn't the nicest guy today, was more like an idiot. A little.″

″A little?″ she echoed but had to grin and Jay knew that the evening was saved, that she wasn't as mad at him as he had thought and had expected her to be.

″Mhm,″ he mumbled. ″And yes you're right. I was jealous although I know that there's no reason,″ he admitted.

″A fault confessed is half redressed, huh?″ she asked while raising her eyebrow but then ran her fingers through his hair. He brought his face closer to her face and then pressed his lips against hers, kissed her softly.

″Jay?″ she asked afterwards and her voice was all serious again.

″Yeah?″

″There will always be men I talk to and I laugh with. And there will always be men who try to flirt with me. But I want you to know that you're my one and only. Always. Because I love you.″

″I know that Er. And I love you too,″ he said and kissed her again. ″Does this mean you forgive me?″

″Maybe,″ she shrugged, giving him a little smile.

″Will you dance with me?″ he then asked as the music started to play in the hall.

″Always,″ she grinned and Jay reached for her hand and pulled her up from the bench.

″You know, I think you're actually pretty cute when you're jealous,″ she chuckled while they walked back into the firehouse.

″Is this a compliment?″ he asked with a laughter.

″Do you think it is one?″ she teased and grinned up to him.

″I'll just assume it is one,″ he laughed. ″When you talked earlier about another man flirting with you and me not freaking out about it...what about you and another woman flirting with me?″

″I'd simply kill her,″ she shrugged. ″And you know that,″ she added with a chuckle escaping from her mouth.

″Yes,″ he laughed. ″I do.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After the bridal couple had danced their first dance, the dance floor was open for all of the other guests. Erin had sat on Jay's lap while they were watching Mouch and Platt dancing. Or better, while they were watching Mouch and Platt trying to dance. She had stepped on his feet, he had stepped on her feet and all in all it seemed like none of them was really talented. But it suited this whole wedding perfectly and was quite cute and amusing to watch. Both of them seemed pretty relieved when the song was finally over and the other couples entered the dance floor, Erin and Jay being one of them. Jay pulled her close to his body and laid his one hand on her lower back while Erin gazed up into his smiling face, being all smiles herself because the way he looked at her always melted her heart. The music changed from waltz to normal music and the song that now sounded through the loudspeakers, it was so perfect as if someone had chosen it just for them.

 _ **Sometimes love can hit you everyday**_

 _ **Sometimes you can fall for everyone you see**_

 _ **But only you can really make me stay**_

 _ **A sign from the sky**_

 _ **Said to me**_

 _ **You're one in a million**_

 _ **You're once in a lifetime**_

 _ **You made me discover one of the stars above us**_

 _ **You're on in a million**_

 _ **You're once in a lifetime**_

 _ **You made me discover one of the stars above us**_

Erin glanced up to her boyfriend. The way he stared at her always let her slightly shiver. How his piercing blue eyes scanned her, how his lips always waited for the next kiss, how his whole facial expressions always showed her how happy he was and how much he loved her. She twinkled at him and couldn't hide her own fond smile. Sometimes the feelings she had for him still scared her. It felt unreal. But sometimes love was unreal. Just the fact that she had found a man like him was unreal. He was unreal. He was the missing piece to the puzzle she was, her one in a million.

 _ **I've been looking for that special one**_

 _ **I've been searching for someone to give my love**_

 _ **And when I thought that all the hope was gone**_

 _ **A smile, there you were and I was gone**_

 _ **I will always remember how I felt that day**_

 _ **A feeling indescribable**_ _**to me**_

 _ **I always knew there was an answer to my prayer**_

 _ **And you're the one, the one for me**_

 _ **You're one in a million**_

 _ **You're once in a lifetime**_

 _ **You made me discover one of the stars above us**_

 _ **You're on in a million**_

 _ **You're once in a lifetime**_

 _ **You made me discover one of the stars above us**_

Jay looked down into her perfect face, her sparkling eyes, her smiling lips and her cute dimples and in this moment he was just endlessly grateful. Grateful for the life he got. Grateful for meeting her, grateful that they'd found each other. Grateful for falling in love with her and grateful for her reciprocating his feelings. Simply grateful for her, the woman who challenged him every day but nonetheless the woman who was the only one he ever wanted. The love of his life. His one and only. His one in a million.

* * *

 **Hope you all liked it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)**

 **Next chapter will be called "Moment Of Truth" (guess you all know what's going to happen) and I hope I'll be able to finish and upload it somewhen next week.**


	18. Moment Of Truth

**I may sound like a broken record, but thanks again to y'all for the feedback on my last chapter! It keeps me motivated to write/to give you a new chapter even in stressful times, so here we go! :)**

* * *

 **18\. Moment Of Truth**

Through a gap between the curtains, the early morning sun made its way into their bedroom on Monday morning, the day Jay has been waiting for the last three weeks. Finally no more sneaking around, no more secrets, no more worries about Erin's and their baby's life. Although he still felt uncomfortable by the thought how Hank would react to these unexpected news, he was glad that they were finally going to inform him. In Jay's opinion he deserved to know not only because he was their boss but much more because he was the closest thing Erin had to a father. It was going to be hard enough already to explain him why they have kept her pregnancy under the covers for more than three weeks when it had been their duty to tell him as soon as possible. And with Erin being already more than 13 weeks pregnant they also couldn't use the little white lie that they just had found out. Jay literally already saw the drama coming. But this was how Erin had wanted it and he had agreed to it because he had known that she needed his support in every possible way and because her doctor hadn't seen a problem with her still working as usual.

Jay suppressed a loud sigh and yawned instead and rubbed his face with his hands, tried not to imagine any of Hank's possible reactions, hoped that he would simply understand why they've waited so long. He had to admit, it was quite a small hope.

″What's up?″ Erin's voice appeared next to him. Jay rolled over and saw how she glared at him, scanned him. He wondered how long she's been awake already without him recognizing it.

″Nothing,″ he lied. ″Didn't know you're up already,″ he then said and came closer to her to place a kiss on her forehead.

″Woke up some minutes ago,″ she said, still looking directly into his eyes, knowing he hadn't told her the truth. ″You seemed to think about something...″ she then added, giving him that kind of a meaningful glance he could interpret within seconds.

″Yeah, maybe...″ Jay said, rolled from his side to his back and stared to the ceiling. ″How are we going to play this today, Er?″ It was the one question, the one thing they have avoided to talk about for the last three weeks but now it was time to eventually mention it.

″Play what?″ she asked and he immediately turned around again but narrowed his eyes this time as he looked at her.

″Seriously?″ he asked in response and Erin couldn't tell whether his voice was hurt, disappointed, angry or all in one.

″I don't know,″ she answered with the lowest of voices and now she was the one who turned to her back and stared to the ceiling. ″Waiting for the right moment.″

″When is the right moment, Er? Today? Tomorrow? By the end of the week?″

″I will tell him as soon as I think it's the right moment, Jay.″

″So that means we're not going to tell him together?″ Jay asked, slightly raising his eyebrows.

″I don't know,″ she said again and Jay couldn't help but laugh. Sarcastically laugh.

″Is there even anything you know though?″

She turned her head around to him again and Jay could see how she had to swallow hard.

″No,″ she almost whispered and then cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder. ″No Jay, I don't know whether I tell him today or tomorrow, I don't know whether I better tell him in the bullpen or at home, I don't know whether we should do it together or whether it's better when I do it alone. I don't know a damn thing, sorry,″ she snapped, unwrapped herself from her blanket and stormed to the bathroom.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and also got up, followed her towards the bathroom. Why was it so hard for them to have a normal conversation these days, without one of them freaking out. Why did every serious conversation they had eventually led to a fight? They both have been in a bad mood so often within the past few weeks and most likely this was the reason why the atmosphere between them was so tense.

Jay's bad mood came from the fact that it seemed like Erin still didn't really care about her pregnancy and ignored it whenever it was possible and he assumed her bad mood still had to do with her unplanned pregnancy in general, with her fear about becoming a mother. All he wished for was that she would finally accept the fact that they were going to have a baby, that she would start to be happy about it. But he knew they still had a long way to go until they were at this point.

″Erin,″ Jay said as he knocked on the bathroom door which was locked. ″Open the door.″

″Please open the door,″ he pleaded again after some moments of silence. It took a little more time but then she opened it and let him in.

″I'm sorry,″ he said immediately.

″I'm also...sorry for freaking out...again,″ she mumbled while looking down to the floor but Jay could see one single tear rolling down her cheek anyway.

″Come here,″ he said and pulled her into his embrace to hold her tight as he knew this was what she needed right now. She needed him to show her that he was there for her even in difficult situations like this one.

″I don't want us to freak out about everything all the time but yet it happens all the time.″

″I don't want that either and maybe we're both a bit huffy at the moment,″ he said and softly grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″Listen, tell Hank in the way you think it is the right way, okay? If you want me to be with you, I'll be there, if not, then not. I know this is not easy for you but we have to tell him. It's about time.″

″Yeah...I know.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Monday passed and Erin didn't tell Hank. Jay decided to accept it and to give her another day, to patiently wait until she was ready. Maybe she had a plan, maybe she wanted to tell him at his house in the evening. All private. Without anyone else being there. But she stayed at home all evening and so Jay assumed she had obviously picked Tuesday for the moment of truth. He didn't mention anything about it again but after Tuesday had passed and she still hasn't told Hank about her pregnancy Jay started to wonder whether she was ever going to tell him or whether it was on him to drop the bomb. Something he didn't want to do. It wasn't on him to tell Hank. At least not on him alone. It was Erin's call to make. With or without him attending her.

Wednesday morning came and after two low days with only paper work to do the unit finally got a new case. Hank pinned some photos of their targets on the board and Jay immediately knew that this case was going to be a dangerous one.

″This is Carlos Lopez, big fish in the Mexican cartel. One of my CI's told me he's getting a load of dope tonight but we still don't have all the information we need. This,″ Hank said and pointed the photo of another Mexican, ″is Julio Rodriguez. He's selling the dope for him. Thanks to my CI we have his location and two of us are going to do an undercover buy in the doorway and we arrest him then, everybody understood?″

All of them nodded. Jay looked to Erin who also nodded and tried to give her a glance that signalised her that the moment has come. The past two days he had only accepted her silence and hadn't said anything to her because they had only had paperwork to do anyway. Because he had hoped there wasn't a need for him to remind her about their deal again. But now things were completely different. This was going to get dangerous and there was no way Jay would accept her going out with them again. Not even for this one time anymore.

″Alright, Ruzek and Erin, you two are going to do the undercover buy, the rest of us, we back them up,″ Hank said and let Jay's attention change from his girlfriend to his boss with these words.

He looked from Hank to Erin, who seemed like not knowing what to do but didn't say anything either. She opened her mouth for a second but then closed it again and in that moment Jay decided for himself that this was enough. At this point he didn't have the feeling that Erin was ever going to tell Hank unless it would become obvious in some short weeks. Or unless he would stop keeping his mouth shut.

″Over my dead body,″ Jay called with a determined voice and immediately all eyes were on him.

″Excuse me?″ Hank asked, raising his eyebrows while looking at the young detective. From the corner of his eyes Jay could see how Erin slightly shook her head but he didn't care anymore. She's had her chance and hasn't done anything.

″You heard me. Erin's not going to do the undercover buy,″ he said and could see the questionmarks appear in his team member's faces. To everyone's surprise, Hank didn't ask about Jay's reasons but started to clap.

″Congratulations Halstead, I honestly started to wonder what it takes you to finally open your mouth and whether you will ever stand up to your girl or whether you don't have the balls to say something and just simply let her do her thing,″ he said all dry and Jay had to swallow hard, felt hot and cold at the same time. Hank Voight knew about their little secret. And obviously he's known for a while already.

The atmosphere in the bullpen was as tense as never before and all of the other team members just shared confused glances with each other and looked from Jay to Erin to Hank. The latter standing there and scanning his two detectives with a gaze on his face none of them could interpret. Erin and Jay standing there like some stones, not moving, not breathing, not saying a word, not looking at each other.

″Alright,″ Hank then said after some more time of unbearable silence. ″Ruzek and Antonio will do it. The rest of you, gear up, we'll roll out in ten. And you,″ he then said and pointed to Erin. ″In my office. Now.″

Everyone nodded, but of course all of them were still curious about the things that just had happened, tried to figure out what this was about while some of them of course already had a vague idea.

″Sarge,″ Jay said, trying to save the situation in any possible way although he knew it was too late for that now. In addition, he didn't want to leave Erin alone with Hank now.

″I said, gear up,″ he called with a voice that tolerated contradiction.

″Come on,″ Alvin said and laid his hand on Jay's shoulder to guide him towards the stairs. ″This is not your conversation now, kid.″

″You know, too?″ Jay asked quietly and looked at his older colleague.

″Well, now I do,″ he shrugged.

″But then you know that this is my conversation, too.″

″Let the two of them talk first, it's better like this, believe me, so come on,″ he said again and increased the pressure of his hand on Jay's back to guide him into the right direction. Jay turned his head around again to catch a view of Hank's office, saw him and Erin standing in there, and then sighed and followed his colleague.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin stood in Hank's office, had her arms crossed in defence in front of her chest and still wasn't able to accept the things that just had happened. That Hank has known about her pregnancy. This had to be a nightmare. There was no way he could already know about this other than someone had told him. For a moment she thought that maybe Jay had told him as he was tired of her not breaking the news but then she remembered that his facial expression by Hank's words had been as shocked as her own.

″Do you maybe wanna tell me something, Erin?″ Hank's penetrative voice let her startle from her thoughts.

″How long do you know already?″ she asked him quietly and didn't dare to look him in the eyes.

″A little more than a week but shouldn't this be a question I ask you?″ Erin looked at him for a split second and then immediately lowered her head again, ignored his remark.

″How?″ she just simply asked.

″Erin do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I'm the boss of the Intelligence Unit for no reason?″ he asked rhetorical and his raspy voice sent chills down Erin's spine.

″Last week, when we had to do all these busts I realized how Halstead always looked at you being all worried, how the two of you always exchanged these glances while I told you our plans. How he tried to protect you even more than he usually does. This was when I had the first suspicion but I thought: no, they would tell me because they know it's their duty to tell me. Because Erin would tell me. By last Thursday I figured out you don't drink coffee anymore. And then I watched you at Platt's wedding and you didn't drink any alcohol there. It then wasn't that difficult anymore to put one and one together. So the question is, how long do YOU know already?″ he asked and his voice was harsh, as harsh as it hasn't been since she had come into the bullpen after severing all ties with the unit and had voluntered to do the drop that saved Jay's life.

″Four weeks...″

″Four weeks?″ he echoed. ″So I assume you're around eleven to twelve weeks now?″

″Uhm...″ she spluttered and bit her lower lip. ″Fourteen tomorrow.″

″Fourteen?″ he called and twinkled at her in disbelief. ″When did you and Halstead plan on informing me Erin? Never?″

″We wanted to tell you this week, honestly.″

″This week? After fourteen weeks into your pregnancy? I was your duty to tell me Erin. It was Halstead's duty to tell me as you were obviously not able to do so,″ he said and his voice was still rising.

″It's not Jay's fault,″ she defended Jay immediately. ″He wanted to tell you...but I wanted to wait and begged him to keep it a secret.″

″Why Erin?″ he asked and Erin was so concentrated on not starting to cry that she didn't hear that his voice was not only mad but also extremely hurt by this question.

″Because I was not ready to let go, not ready to sit behind a desk. I didn't want this to happen, to get pregnant...″ she almost whispered.

″Erin, the moment you found out you're pregnant and then decided you want to have this baby you became a mother. And as a mother it is your first priority to keep this baby safe and not being so selfish to still go out on the streets because YOU are not ready to let go.″

″My doctor cleared me for duty. She said it is fine as long as my vest fits and my vest still fits,″ Erin said and now her voice was also rising as she had the urgent need to defend herself.

″I don't care what your doctor said because your doctor can't decide whether something is too dangerous or not. It was not her decision to make. Some of the busts we did during the last weeks were simply too dangerous for someone who's pregnant. Do you even know how many times in the last four weeks something could have gone wrong?″

″But nothing happened, did it?″ she snapped.

″It doesn't matter whether something happened or not. You put yourself and with you your baby in danger almost every day! You're a mother now, start to act like one!″ he called and glared at her for a moment. ″You're off the clock for the rest of the day.″

″What? No. I can work here.″

″I said you're off the clock,″ he repeated his order, his voice still being cold and harsh. ″I don't want to see you around here today anymore.″

″Fine,″ Erin snapped and stormed out of his office by slamming the door.

Hank watched her walking down the stairs and then disappear. He needed a moment for himself before rolling out with his team in some minutes. Despite that he was fairly angry about her childish and selfish behavior, the fact that Erin, the girl he has always loved like a daughter, hadn't told him about her pregnancy for four weeks hurt him beyond limits and right now he didn't know how to go on from here and how to treat her in the future. It wasn't only her irresponsible behavior what he was most angry and disappointed about. He wouldn't have put her behind a desk immediately if she had told him earlier. He even wouldn't have prevented her from all their busts for as long as she was able to close her vest. Only from the really dangerous ones. What preyed on his mind was the fact that she's obviously been scared to tell him. Of course he was anything but excited about her pregnancy but not telling him at all? That hurt. A lot. He had always thought he was as much a father for her as she was a daughter for him but apparently he's been wrong...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Halstead you're riding with me today,″ Hank called as he joined his crew which made the final preparations.

The sound of his boss's voice let Jay startle and shiver all at once. So they were back to Halstead. Not Jay anymore.

″Okay,″ Jay only nodded in response and tried to play cool and also tried to interpret Hank's gaze during the split second he looked at him. Angry, hurt, annoyed, disappointed, contemptous, all in one. Jay already had the feeling that this drive to their location was going to be an endless long and uncomfortable one.

His bad feeling got confirmed when they were in the car some minutes later. Lots of unspoken things were in the air, so the atmosphere was tense and icy, all in all beyond all bearing. Jay didn't dare to say something. He knew that Hank already had some words on the tip of his tongue he didn't spit out yet and it was too late for him to apologize for anything anyway.

″When I told you I want you to have her back 24 hours a day I didn't mean to knock her up after six months into your relationship,″ Hank said into the silence.

″I didn't...knock her up,″ Jay answered and kept his gaze focused on the street, tried to look anywhere but Hank.

″So you're not the father?″ Hank asked and quite contrary to the young detective he looked at Jay with a piercing glance.

″What?″ Jay frowned and turned his head to the man in the driver's seat for the first time. ″Of course I am. I just meant...I didn't knock her up...it just happened.″

″It just happened?″ Hank echoed. ″I didn't know you guys needed the birds and the bees talk before allowing your relationship,″ he snarled at him.

″Sometimes you can't plan the things that happen in life and we for sure didn't plan that,″ Jay said and tried to stay calm.

″Would've surprised me if you did. Because we both know that Erin is not ready to be a mother. Just her actions and the way she dealt with her pregnancy so far make it obvious. But apparently you're not ready to be a father either as you weren't able to tell me, too″ he snapped.

″It wasn't my call to make,″ Jay said and now his voice was also rising.

″It was your duty to tell me, Halstead!″

″It wasn't my call to make!″ he repeated his statement. ″It was Erin's decision to wait and I supported her because she needed my support more than anything else. She wasn't ready.″

″She risked her baby's life. Your baby's life Halstead. I really thought you would do everything to protect that baby. Even if that meant you tell me although she wasn't ready or was scared to tell me or whatever her damn reasons were,″ Hank said gruffly and with the latter words Jay knew that Hank was mainly hurt and disappointed. And he could honestly understand him.

″What would've been the worth of it? Of me telling you against her will? Destroying all the trust we've built up during the last months? No...there's no way I would've done that,″ he said and shook his head. ″I know we didn't do the right thing but telling you behind her back would also have been the wrong thing. She trusts me and she needed me having her back.″

″So tell me: what you did today didn't destroy the trust?″ he asked and didn't hide a sarcastic undertone in his voice.

″Hopefully not,″ Jay sighed. ″From the very beginning we decided to tell you after Platt's wedding. She's had her chance the last two days and didn't say anything but instead wanted to do the undercover buy so I had to do something.″

″So suddenly it was your call to make?″ Hank asked and raised his eyebrows.

″No it wasn't. But it was the right thing to do at this point. Believe me, there was no day where I wasn't worried during the last few weeks, especially when we did the really dangerous stuff...it was the hardest time of my life,″ he answered in all honesty and looked directly into Hank's eyes, stood up to his glance, hoped that his honest words would maybe somehow have influence on his boss.

″That's exactly why you should've told me. Why you should've made Erin telling me,″ Hank snapped.

Jay just sighed, swallowed all the things down that still were on the tip of his tongue and then turned his head around to stare out of the window. This was a senseless conversation. Hank was hurt and maybe he was even right with some points so nothing he was going to say would change anything. They had screwed this up and now they had to deal with the aftermath.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay came to Erin's place late in the night. Not only because of their current case but also because he'd been unsure whether Erin would want to see him. For a minute he had assumed that she was maybe mad at him for more or less revealing their secret in front of the whole team. But then he'd come to the conclusion that it was more on him to be mad at her for bringing him or better them into this situation. If she had talked to Hank on Monday or Tuesday, as they had agreed, things would at least be a bit different now. In the end Hank had known about it anyway but it still would've been better if they had told him in personal and not in the way it had happened now.

He was not surprised to find Erin awake when he opened the door of her apartment. She sat on the couch and watched TV, seemed to be more or less interested in the things that flickered on the screen. She turned her head around to him, looked at him with tired eyes for a moment and then focused her gaze on the TV again. Jay took his shoes off, put his light summer jacket up on the wardrobe and then joined Erin on the couch.

″Did you get him?″ she asked him after a moment of silence.

″We have Rodriguez and he unwillingly gave us some information about the load. But Lopez wasn't there. Let others do the dirty work for him,″ Jay sighed. ″We have them now though,″ he shrugged.

″Any idea where he could be?″

″Not yet. But Voight will find out. Someone will be cooperative I guess.″

″Yeah, I think so...″ she said pensively and turned her head around to him for the first time since they've started this conversation. She looked tired and Jay could tell from her eyes that she had cried. But they were able to talk with each other more or less normal after all and this was something Jay hadn't expected, least of all after they have literally freaked out about almost everything within the last two weeks.

″Talking about Hank...″ Jay started to bring this conversation into the right direction.

″I'm surprised he didn't kill you,″ she interrupted him.

″Not yet,″ he answered and wasn't sure whether she really wanted to joke about it or just tried to avoid to talk about the things they needed to talk about.

″I'm sure he wanted to kill me though.″

″Yeah...maybe...but for other reasons, Er,″ he said and gave her a meaningful glance. She turned her head away from him to the TV and for a minute the only voices in the living room came from the movie that played on the TV.

″On a scale from one to ten, what do you think: how mad is he?″ she finally asked.

″Twenty...probably,″ he shrugged. ″But he's not mad Erin. He's hurt.″

″He isn't,″ she said and shook her head. ″He's mad that I didn't tell him earlier and he's angry and disappointed because I let you knock me up.″

″Do you really think that?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows. ″He's hurt because he deserved to know in a different way than he got to know about it now. He's hurt because he deserved to know earlier because he loves you like a daughter. He's hurt because you were scared to tell him. And yes, maybe he is mad that we didn't tell him earlier as it was our duty.″

She didn't answer anything. Jay just watched her inhaling deeply and then saw some tears rolling down her cheeks.

″See, just another proof for who I am,″ she said with a cracky voice that had a sarcastic undertone. ″I hurt people who mean something to me, who care about me. I make wrong decisions all the time and hurt others with it,″ she quietly sobbed as more tears fell from her eyes.

″Erin I didn't mean that,″ Jay said as he remembered that she had told him exactly these words some short weeks ago.

″But you're right,″ she answered and her sobs got more intense. ″I made wrong decisions after Nadia's death and hurt you and Hank and everybody else who cares about me. I made a wrong decision thinking it was best to not have this baby and hurt you with it. And now I made a wrong decision again because I was scared that he would be disappointed of me when that's what he is now anyway. I can't do anything right, because I'm a bad person,″ she said and looked at him.

Jay got closer to her and then wrapped his arms around her body. First it seemed like she didn't want him to comfort her but then she buried her head in his chest and let him hold her tight.

″I know I said that before but I'll say it again: you're not a bad person,″ he said and placed a kiss on her hair. ″And the last decision we made together.″

″We didn't,″ she said and lifted her head, her hazel-green eyes meeting his blue ones. ″I made this decision and you agreed to it because that's who YOU are, Jay. And I'm sorry for that.″

″There's nothing you have to be sorry for. We're in this together, do you remember?″ he asked and wiped her tears away with his hand. Erin glared at him for a moment. How was it possible that someone was that kind of understanding?

″There's a lot to be sorry for and you know that. I was selfish with the decisions I made, didn't think about the consequences for you...and for our baby. I'm also sorry for the way things passed off today, that you had to say something because I wasn't able to,″ she said and swallowed down the lump in her throat before she continued speaking with a voice that was just a whisper.

″I know you just wanted to protect me today as well as I know that your intention of telling Hank so early was always about protecting me from any danger,″ she said and inhaled deeply again. ″And I'm sorry that I made it so hard for you to protect me...us,″ she added and looked down to her stomach, placed her hand on it.

Jay needed a moment to handle the things she just had said as he couldn't believe that these words actually had come from her lips. Whatever Hank had told her during their conversation today, it obviously has had a huge effect on her, had let her think about all the things she's done so far. Maybe she has needed it to kind of wake up.

″I have to admit, every time we had to go in somewhere, it was the hardest time of my life. I was so scared that I can't protect you enough, that something happens no matter how careful we are and how much I protect you. But we made it and all that matters to me is that you'll be safe from now on,″ he said. ″The both of you,″ he then added and placed his hand on top of hers.

″I know,″ she answered in response, gave him a weak smile and then curled onto his side again, placed her head on his chest.

″Hank invited me for his birthday while were in New Buffalo,″ Jay said some moments later.

″Did he?″

″Yeah. But I think we might be disinvited now,″ he shrugged.

″I'm sorry,″ she said immediately.

″Erin, don't do that again. It happened and we can't undo it now, so we have to accept it. Things will change again. Give him time and then talk to him somewhen. And for now stop worrying please and let's go to bed, you need to sleep,″ he said while once again his eyes showed how worried he was about her well-being.

″Yeah,″ she yawned. ″This day was a lot more stressful than all the busts we did lately.″

″I believe that,″ he winked, got up from the couch and also pulled her up.

″Thank you...for everything today,″ she said quietly as she stood in front of him and placed a soft, thankful kiss on his lips.

″Always,″ he answered, giving her a weak smile, and then guided her to the bedroom so that they could sleep for the remaining four hours of the night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They weren't exactly scared when they had to go to work on the following morning but yet they were kinda strained because they didn't know whether Hank would say anything else. Didn't know how he would treat them and how the rest of the team would react to the news that weren't really new anymore. It wasn't official yet but they all were clever enough to know what was going on.

″Here they are,″ Adam said as they walked up the stairs to the bullpen, Jay holding Erin's hand tightly to give her some security.

″Guess there's something we can congratulate you guys to, huh?″ Antonio smiled to them and all of their other team members had quite bright smiles on their faces, too. None of them seemed to be mad that they haven't told them yet and Jay felt how Erin got more relaxed by their reaction. He was sure that it was on him to say something but to his surprise she began to speak.

″Yes...uhm...so,″ she spluttered and felt how Jay immediately squeezed her hand. She glanced at him for a second, saw how he twinkled at her and then looked into the smiling faces of her team members again.

″There's a little Halstead on the way,″ she said after taking a deep breath and felt how her cheeks blushed.

″Yay yay yay yay yay,″ Adam and Kevin laughed while Alvin was the first one who hugged Erin.

″Congrats kid,″ he said and kissed her forehead. ″Having kids is the best thing. They drive you nuts...but it's the best thing anyway,″ he grinned.

″Well, we'll see,″ Erin sighed.

″I'm always there for you, Erin. Whenever you need some advice or whatever else, just tell me.″

″Thank you, Alvin,″ she smiled and hugged him again.

″Congrats bro, good job,″ Adam laughed next to her as he congratulated Jay.

They were hugged and congratulated by everyone from their unit and they both felt kind of lighthearted afterwards. Their secret wasn't a secret any longer and all of their team members were happy for them. Although the original moment of truth had gone wrong in every possible way, this moment now with their friends, their family, made up for it. The only thing that mostly made Erin's heart heavy was how she had messed up regarding the man she used to love like a father.

This man was sitting in his office and watched how everyone congratulated the young couple. He wasn't able to be happy yet and he knew Erin wasn't completely happy about it yet either. And neither was he able to forgive Erin so soon. She had hurt him, had kind of broken his heart, his trust and he wasn't sure whether this damage could get repaired, whether things would ever be again like they've been before. This wound was deep and it would take a while to heal, maybe it never would...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, hope you can 'live' with the way things have turned out. I thought a lot about whether Hank knows already or not but there were some conversations I wanted them to have...and I like to add a little 'drama' sometimes, sorry :D**

 **Please leave a review and tell me what you think!**


	19. If Tomorrow Never Comes

**Thank you all again for the reviews! :) Exams are almost done, so here comes chapter 19!**

 **Song is "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Ronan Keating.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **19\. If Tomorrow Never Comes**

″Are you ready to go then?″ Jay asked Erin when he walked into her bedroom on this sunny August morning. She stood in front of her closet and turned around by the sound of his voice, her facial expression being quite bugged.

″Not really,″ she answered and bit her lower lip. ″I can't close my jeans anymore without that it feels uncomfortable. I mean I can still close the button, that's not the problem but...″ she sighed, looking down to the slight swell of her abdomen. Shortly after her pregnany had become public two weeks ago, baby Halstead's appearance has started to become visible rapidly, only for them in the beginning, but by now everyone could see the small belly that formed under the fabric of her shirt.

″Leave the button open,″ Jay suggested, thinking that this was the easiest solution for the moment.

″Are you serious?″ she snapped. ″I can't go to work with an open button!″

″You can wear a belt over it, so nobody sees it,″ he shrugged.

″A belt would be just as uncomfortable as closing the button.″

″Nobody said you shall wear it tight. Wear it loose, it shall only hide the open button, nothing more,″ he explained with the calmest of voices. He knew that her pregnancy becoming visible for everyone was another step that was quite hard for her. That the change, her body went through was not easy for her to accept.

″Hm, yeah, maybe,″ she shrugged and turned around to look for a belt in the depths of her closet.

″We could go shopping this weekend to solve this problem.″

″I'll never go shopping with you again,″ she chuckled and walked closer to him while putting on her belt.

″Oh come on. You should give it another try,″ he winked.

″We'll see,″ she grinned and then looked down to her jeans-belt-construction again. ″This looks weird.″

″It will do it for now,″ he shrugged and placed a short kiss on her lips before they left her apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Being on desk duty was hard for Erin, just as hard as she's always imagined it to be. She still wasn't used to it that she wasn't allowed to go out with the rest of her team anymore and watching them how they put on their vests and prepared for a bust was the hardest thing for her. After all she was still allowed to go to the crime scenes, to talk with witnesses in their homes or at Med and to do notifications and interrogations. But all the real action happened without her. She tried her best to convince herself that she was on desk duty for the right reasons and she knew that it was her job to keep their baby safe but at the same time she couldn't help but feel sort of useless since she was working the desk. In addition, it was quite hard for her to be in the bullpen while the rest of the unit was out on the streets, doing something dangerous, and she didn't know what was going on, whether everything went well. When she still had been out with them on a daily basis she had never thought about anything that could go wrong but now, as she wasn't part of the action anymore, things were somehow completely different.

Also, things with Hank haven't really changed during the last two weeks and for now she accepted it. Jay's been right when he'd said that this kind of breach of trust needed time. The only conversations she's had with Hank lately were about the cases and even these conversations were icy and snippy, reduced to a minimum of words. She knew it was on her to make the first step into Hank's direction somewhen but for now it was better to keep it the way it was.

The only positive thing about working the desk while all the others were out and about was that she hadn't to do it alone as Mouse always was in the bullpen with her. She got to know him a little more every day and they've even started to joke around whenever it was possible. But the cutest thing was when he had asked her some days ago whether she wanted to have some computer lessons and had tried to explain to her that he was quite good with any kind of technical things. She had started to laugh because this question came so shy and had then accepted his offer. And now, only some days later, they were both already sure that she was going to be a tech whiz by the end of her pregnancy.

Apart from the fact that it was fun to work with him, she also learned something new, something she could maybe use in the future and this made her desk duty a little more bearable.

Another thing they started to do was that one of them always bought lunch for the whole unit by midday and today it was Erin's turn as the others were on a chase and she had to stay in the 21st, putting together some more pieces with Mouse and supporting her team from there.

″Hey Lindsay,″ she heard the familar voice of her desk Sergeant just when she wanted to leave the precinct. She turned her head around and looked at her. She had completely forgotten that Platt's honeymoon was over already.

″Sergeant Platt,″ she said with a smile and went over to her. ″Or is it McHolland now?″

″Are you crazy? A Platt stays a Platt,″ she answered and Erin recognized that the wedding and the honeymoon obviously haven't changed her attitude.

″Alright,″ Erin grinned. ″How was the honeymoon?″

″It was amazing and beautiful...and the rest you don't need to know about,″ she said all dry.

″I didn't ask for the dirty details though but okay,″ Erin answered just as dry.

″Dirty details?″ Platt echoed and her eyes widened. ″But think what you want, I will remain silent,″ she added and a little smile rushed over her face.

″Of course you do,″ Erin chuckled and was about to go for finally heading to the next grocery store to buy some sandwiches and fruits. Strawberries in particular for herself. One week ago she's started to crave for them and she could easily eat them all day and night.

″Hey wait a second, not so fast,″ Platt called.

″What else?″ Erin asked and turned around again.

″Do you think I ordered you here just to do some smalltalk?″

″Don't I know it,″ Erin frowned.

″The answer is no. So here are some papers Chuckles hasn't filled out correctly. Give them to him and tell him I need them back by yesterday.″

″Yeah sure,″ Erin answered and took the papers that Platt handed her. ″Anything else?″

″Yes,″ she said and leaned her head down closer to Erin. ″Did you hear it?″ she whispered.

″Heard what?″ Erin asked in response and slightly raised her eyebrows.

″Someone in this district got knocked up...″ she whispered conspiratorial and waited a moment before she continued. ″Oh wait, Chuckles knocked you up, right?″ she then added with a voice that was slightly louder than before and laughed. For a moment Erin glared at her as didn't know what to say but it only took her some seconds to find her words again.

″Was this supposed to be funny? Because I didn't get the joke then, sorry Sarge,″ Erin answered all dry and turned around again, being tired of this whole conversation.

″Oh no I was all serious and I'm also serious now: you're looking good Erin.″

″Yeah, thanks for the compliment,″ Erin just waved aside and finally left the 21st.

Although she knew that this was how Platt was, that this was her attitude, she was kinda annoyed about how she had talked to her. At least Platt had then obviously realized it and had tried to save the situation but still, this wasn't something she wanted to hear and something that made her feel better at all...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Two days later, Erin had her second ultrasound and of course Jay was with her again. For some days already he's been really excited about seeing their baby again while Erin's excitement was still kept within a limit, but for different reasons this time.

″Here we go,″ Dr. Hanson said after she's placed the wand on the slight swell of Erin's abdomen.

In almost the same moment their baby appeared on the black-and-white screen and Jay couldn't believe what he was seeing and Erin was quite fascinated, too.

″Wow,″ he smiled.

″Quite some change there, huh?″ Dr. Hanson laughed.

″A little,″ he answered and still glared at the screen in full fascination. Their baby already looked like a real baby, he could see its head, even its nose, its arms and its legs. ″It looks so big already.″

″It does but it's barely the size of an avocado.″

″Is it moving?″ Erin asked, being sure that she had just seen the baby's leg and arm move.

″It is,″ Dr. Hanson nodded. ″It's actually pretty active at the moment. You will soon be able to feel these movements.″

″Yeah?″ Erin asked and a little smile rushed over her face.

″Yes, within the next two weeks the baby should become strong enough so you can feel it fluttering around,″ she explained.

″What about me? When will I be able to feel it kicking from outside?″ Jay asked and Erin could see the excitement sparkling in his eyes.

″Guess you have to be patient Mr. Halstead. At least for around four more weeks, maybe even five or six.″

″Really?″ Jay sighed, looking slightly disappointed.

″Time will go by faster than you think,″ Dr. Hanson winked.

″I hope so,″ he said while Dr. Hanson turned the wand on Erin's belly for measuring the baby. For a second Erin had the impression that her doctor's face became a little concerned and she felt her heart dropping a little.

″Is the baby alright? Is it healthy?″ Erin asked.

″It's a bit small but...-″

″So it's not developing right?″ Erin immediately interrupted her.

″It's developed perfectly, Erin,″ Dr. Hanson assured her. ″It's just a bit small. Maybe from the meds you took in the beginning of your pregnancy.″

″So our baby will maybe have some issues later? Because of the meds?″ she asked and Jay heard the insecurity and fear in her voice. During the last two weeks he had recognized that she has started to care a little more about her pregnancy, that she had made another step into the right direction by starting to accept it and to care about the baby.

″Erin,″ Dr. Hanson said with a calm and understanding voice. ″From what I see here you have a healthy and perfectly developed baby. It's just a little small. But not in a way that it is significant. It still has 24 weeks to grow, so no worries. And believe me, when it comes to the delivery you'll be happy to have a smaller baby,″ she said and gave her an encouraging smile.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded and exhaled deeply.

″Do you guys want to know the gender of your baby?″ she then asked and glanced at the couple.

″You can already tell whether it is a boy or girl?″ Jay asked and his voice sounded stunned.

″Not for 100% sure but let's say for 80 to 90%, yes. So, do you wanna know?″

″Yes,″ Jay said immediately.

″No,″ Erin said at the same time and shook her head.

″What, why?″ Jay asked her. She turned her head around and looked at him, saw that he was kinda disappointed.

″Because this is one of the last real surprises life has to offer,″ she shrugged and then gave him a shy smile.

″You sure?″ he asked, still hoping that she would maybe change her mind within the next seconds.

″I am. I don't wanna know. Let this be a surprise please,″ she twinkled at him.

″Okay, then we don't wanna know,″ Jay finally said, gave Erin a little twinkle back and then looked to Dr. Hanson again.

″Alright. In case you change your mind you can still find out during any other ultrasound. Or you can call...because I know it,″ she laughed.

″This isn't helping,″ Jay laughed and wasn't sure how he should be able to deal with his curiosity for the next 24 weeks. At the same time he also wasn't sure whether Erin's mentioned reason, that she wanted it to be a surprise, was the only reason why she didn't want to know whether they were having a boy or a girl, or whether there was more to the story.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After their appointment they went for a little shopping trip and this time they managed to finish it without one of them freaking out. Erin refused to buy maternity pants already but found some new jeans whose fabric was quite stretchy. She also looked at some shirts but then decided that hers should fit her a little while longer. Hopefully. Afterwards they went to the grocery store to fill up Erin's empty fridge and after being back in her apartment, Jay started to cook her favorite dish, linguine with salmon and cream sauce and he also prepared a little dessert with lots of strawberries for her. She took a spot on the counter right next to him and grabbed for the little strawberry pieces he just had cut all the time.

″Why didn't you want to know the gender?″ he somewhen asked her casually, filling the sliced strawberry pieces into a big bowl.

″I told you my reason,″ she answered and slightly frowned while looking at him.

″But that wasn't the only reason, was it?″ he asked, scanning her for her reaction. Erin bit her lower lip and then looked down to the floor. He knew her so well, it was scary sometimes.

″Knowing the gender would make it real,″ she admitted with a voice that was nothing more than a whisper.

″Er,″ he sighed and placed one of his hands on her knee, softly grabbed her chin with his other hand, so she had to look him in the eyes. ″You're 16 weeks. This,″ he said and then caressed her stomach with his fingers, ″is real.″

″Just because I'm 16 weeks doesn't mean this baby is safe Jay. And with knowing the gender you would become too excited...and maybe me too. It would become real. It's still a long road to go. Women lose babies at 20 weeks, like Camille did. Babies are born premature and don't make it and babies are stillborn or die at birth. There are so many things that can still happen. I just want to...protect you. And me. Maybe.″

″Why are you focussing on the worst case scenario, Erin?″ he asked.

″Because bad things constantly happen in my life. I'm used to bad things happening and I'm used to worst case scenarios because they are a part of my life. Always have been,″ she said and as she still looked at him, she saw how a bright smile appeared on his face.

″Why are you smiling?″ she frowned.

″Some weeks ago you said having this baby is a bad thing. And now you say something happening to this baby is a bad thing,″ he answered with a low voice, his eyes still focussing hers, a smile still surrounding his lips. ″You care.″

″Guess I do,″ she nodded and then decided to open up to him a little more, to tell him about the things that were going on in her mind.

″I want to make this right Jay. I don't want to be like Bunny but yet I was in the beginning. When I talked with Hank on that...chaos-day...he called me selfish. Because I only thought about me not being ready for desk duty instead of the safety of our baby. And he was right. Bunny had always been selfish, had always only thought about herself instead of her children and I was on the best way to be like her, in fact I had acted like her until that day. I want to be the mother our son or daughter deserves to have although it's still hard for me at the moment to imagine being a mother. And that doesn't mean that I'm less scared as well. But yes, I care...and so I started to think about things that could go wrong. And it also brought back the memories that Camille had lost her baby at 20 weeks...″ she said.

Jay didn't say anything in response but covered her cheek with his palm and then placed the softest of kisses on her lips.

″Thank you,″ he then whispered.

″What for?″ she asked, furrowing a brow.

″For your honesty,″ he answered and gave her another little smile. ″And yes, it still is a long road but everything will go well and I know you're going to be a great mother Erin.″

She looked at him still being all insecure and Jay knew that she didn't really believe him, especially not the part with her being a great mother. That would surely take some more time until she stopped doubting her motherhood skills.

″We'll see,″ she shrugged. ″But the thing with getting surprised was a reason nonetheless,″ she then added and a little smile returned to her face.

″Don't you think it is kinda unfair that our doctor knows but we don't?″ he laughed.

″Don't you think it's really nice to get surprised? Like really surprised?″ she grinned.

″It's not even a real surprise. It can only be a boy or a girl. It would be a surprise if we had like twenty options.″

″Yeah but with just two options you know one thing for sure already.″

″Do I?″

″Mhm. It's either the one or the other,″ she winked and this time it was on her to kiss him.

″Awesome,″ he chuckled. ″But alright, we'll wait. But when the day comes and you'll start to get curious and decide you wanna know, I will use my veto, I promise,″ he laughed with a playful smirk on his face.

″You wouldn't do that because we both know you want to know so badly and anyway, it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl,″ she teased him but then got serious from one second to the other. ″Uhm Jay, is it possible that our dinner is just burning into the pot?″

″Oh damn it,″ he cursed, turned around immediately and tried to save the cream sauce he has left completely unattended and now couldn't be saved anymore.

Erin got down from the counter and opened some of the windows while Jay emptied the burned sauce into the sink.

″What now?″ he asked her through the room.

″Well we have linguine...and strawberries...sounds like a delicious mix, don't you think?″ she chuckled.

″Uah, gross...but maybe for you...″ he frowned and was kinda disgusted by the thought of eating linguine mixed with strawberries. With her crazy strawberry craving she was having at the moment this was maybe at least an option for her.

″Naah, I don't think I wanna try that. But there should be a pesto in the fridge.″

″Yep, here we go,″ he said after opening the fridge and showed her the glass with pesto.

″It's all about improvisation,″ she said some minutes later when they were sitting on her couch and ate their pasta.

″Sssshh, it was all planned like this because we're the greatest cooks in the world,″ Jay laughed and in this moment he was just simply happy. Happier than the weeks before. Erin had made some huge steps within the past two weeks, was able to admit that she had made some mistakes. And much more important, it seemed like she had finally accepted her pregnancy and even more, she has started to care about their baby. Has maybe started to get a little excited about their future, their tomorrow.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

More days of August passed and a heat wave rolled over Chicago. It was impossible to spend more than five minutes outside and for the first time Erin was kinda glad that she was sitting behind a desk and didn't have to chase some gangsters through the heated streets of Chicago. Only the air conditioners in the bullpen made work more or less bearable but even with them it was still too hot. The same applied for their apartments and for the fourth night in a row it was impossible to lay in bed without starting to sweat after ten minutes.

Jay tried his best to get some sleep anyway but with Erin being even more unsettled and turning around from one side to the other all the time it was even more impossible to fall asleep than it already was.

″You should try to sleep,″ Jay yawned and checked the time on his alarm clock. It was 1.30am.

″What do you think I'm trying?″ Erin snapped, let out a long sigh and sat up. ″I took a cold shower before going to bed and I can't wear any less,″ she said and looked down to her panties and her short top that only covered her breasts. Jay turned the light of his bedside lamp on and then turned around to her.

″Same here, Er,″ he said as pulled himself onto his elbow and cocked his head to one side. ″But it doesn't get any better when you turn around every minute.″

″I noticed that,″ she said, rubbing her tired eyes. ″Do you have ice cream here?″

″Ice cream?″ he echoed and raised his eyebrows.

″Yeah, ice cream. Strawberry ice cream preferably. I'm hungry and ice cream is refreshing.″

″Erin it's 1.30am.″

″Your baby doesn't care what time it is,″ she said with a little laugh.

″I can make you a sandwich then, that helps better against hunger than ice cream.″

″But I want ice cream,″ she grinned all innocent.

″Okay, then ice cream,″ Jay also grinned but slightly shook his head by her late night cravings. He was used to her strawberry cravings throughout the day, but cravings for ice cream in the middle of the night, that was new.

He got out of the bed and slipped into some shorts and a shirt.

″What are you doing?″ Erin frowned.

″Getting you some strawberry ice cream,″ he winked.

″You don't have to do that. I can eat the ice cream that you have here.″

″You and the little one want strawberry ice cream, so you'll get strawberry ice cream,″ he said, leaned down to her and kissed her speechless lips.

″I love you,″ she whispered after the kiss and looked at him with thankful eyes.

″I love you, too,″ he smiled and then left her alone in his apartment.

Erin laid back down into the cushions and couldn't help but had to smile. She had just gotten another proof that Jay Halstead was the most caring human being to ever walk the Earth. How did she even deserve someone like him? Someone who would do anything for her and even more. Someone who went to the next open store in the middle of the night just to get her the ice cream she craved for. How did she get so blessed to call this someone her boyfriend, her partner for life? In this moment, she felt so loved, it made her heart jump up and down in her chest.

″Your daddy is a little crazy sometimes,″ she grinned as she looked down to her small belly and placed her hand on it. ″He has the biggest heart someone can have...I wouldn't know what to do without him,″ she added pensively and then got up to get a glass of water in the kitchen.

When Jay came back to his place about 30 minutes later he heard the shower running in the bathroom. He stored the ice cream in the freezer and then walked to the bathroom.

″Baby I'm back,″ he called so she wouldn't get a heart attack when he joined her.

″I'm almost done here,″ she answered and Jay opened the door to slip into the bathroom as well. He stripped his clothes in no time and then joined her in the shower.

″No need to hurry,″ he murmured into her ear from behind while the cold water ran down his back and his fingers started to caress her silky skin, softly tickled the slight swell of her stomach.

Erin shivered by his soft touches but at the same time she felt her body heating up just from him standing so close to her.

″You know, I took this shower to cool down. Not to heat up even more,″ she chuckled and turned around to him, immediately seeing the passion and desire in his eyes.

″We can take more showers all night long afterwards,″ he grinned and kissed her, caressing her tongue with his.

″What about my ice cream?″ she asked after this longing kiss while her fingers also started to caress his skin.

″You don't really think about ice cream right now?″ he asked back and a soft moan escaped from his lips as her fingers travelled down further.

″Of course I do,″ she teased him, the same smirk reflecting in her eyes that was also on her lips.

″Oh shut up,″ he laughed and pressed his lips against hers again and then lifted her up by her thighs to heat their bodies up and cool them down at the same time some moments later...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The heat didn't go away the following day either. The case they were currently working on was quite a heavy one and after Erin and Antonio had interrogated one of their suspects in the morning, getting a major lead from him, it was time for the whole unit to roll out and finally finish this case by the afternoon. Of course Erin had to stay in the bullpen again and so her and Mouse tried to gather even more information they could give Hank and the rest of their team.

″For you,″ Mouse said and placed a glass with water and ice cubes on her desk and then sat down on his own desk.

″Thank you,″ Erin smiled, being a little perplex. ″You didn't have to do that.″

″I know. But Jay said I shall take care that you drink enough,″ he shrugged and gave her a little smirk. ″Don't tell him that I told you.″

″Do you think he'll kill you for that?″ Erin laughed.

″Naah, he's not that violent. But he doesn't want to look like the overprotective father, you know?″

″Mouse, we both know that's what he is,″ she chuckled.

″Yep,″ Mouses nodded. ″I think it's cute though.″

″It is,″ Erin agreed with a grin surrounding her lips but within one second that grin fell from her face.

″Erin, are you okay?″ Mouse asked her with a worried voice instantly as he saw her facial expression change and her hand going from the desk to her stomach suddenly.

″I don't know,″ she answered quietly and looked down to her stomach, but the strange feeling was already gone.

″Is something wrong with the baby? Are you in pain?″ he asked and got up from his chair to walk over to her desk.

″It was no pain,″ she said and shook her head. ″But maybe something is wr-,″ she added just as she felt it again. She looked down to her hand again, felt that flutter once more and in this moment she knew what was happening. She has totally forgotten about the things her doctor had told her during her appointment two weeks ago.

″Oh my God,″ she said.

″What is it?″ Mouse asked in panic. Erin looked up to him and saw him being so worried that she was sure he was about to call an ambulance any second.

″Nothing's wrong,″ she answered and a little smile appeared on her face. ″It's the baby. I felt it moving for the first time.″

″Did you?″ Mouse asked. ″So everything is fine?″

″Yes, I think everything is super fine,″ she smiled, softly stroking her belly with her thumb and having again the feeling that butterflies were flying around in there.

″Okay. You sure? Otherwise I can drive you to Med.″

″Mouse, I'm good, honestly,″ Erin assured him. ″So let's get back to work,″ she said, got up from her chair and then kinda guided him towards his desk.

Just some 15 minutes later they both stared onto the screen of the computer, both being quite shocked of what they just had found out. For a second being unable to move and instead of the feeling of having butterflies fluttering around in her stomach, Erin felt like someone had punched her in the gut.

″I call Voight,″ Erin said after she had found her voice again and had to swallow hard. She grabbed her phone from her desk and paced up and down the bullpen, anxiously waiting for Hank to answer. When he finally answered she didn't waste any time.

″Don't go into the building. We just found out that there's maybe a bomb inside,″ she said and only now she realized that she has held her breath since dialing Hank's number.

″Got it,″ Hank answered and hung up and immediately spoke orders into his pager.

″Halstead, Ruzek get the hell out of there,″ he called. ″We got information that there's maybe a bomb-″ he said but in this moment his voice was drowned out by a detonation...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay had the taste of blood in his mouth and tried to open his eyes but they were so heavy and he was endlessly tired. He tried to remember what just had happened but he wasn't able to put all of the pieces together. The bomb he had developed went off, that was all he knew. Excruciating pains went through every single part of his body and he was barely able to breathe neither was he able to move. The only thing he heard was a constant ringing and buzzing in his ears and then the blurry picture of his colleague leaning over him appeared in front of his face.

″Jay,″ Adam said but all Jay heard was a dull voice which was far far away. He blinked some times, tried to open his eyes a little more and saw blood streaming down Adam's face.

″You're going to be fine, buddy, no worries. We'll get you out of here,″ he said in panic and pressed his hand on Jay's thigh. Only now he felt his warm blood running down his leg. Lots of blood. Another wave of excruciating pain swept through his body, his lungs, his abdomen and he moaned in pain. He didn't exactly knew this kind of pain but he's seen too many bomb explosion injuries during war, knew what happened in his body right now and although he wasn't able to think straight, he knew that this wasn't going to end well. Knew that he would break his promise. Knew that he would leave Erin behind. Alone. With their baby. Didn't know anymore when was the last time that he had told her that he loved her. That she was his world, his star, his sun and his moon. Was it really that long ago or why could he suddenly not remember anymore?

 _ **If tomorrow never comes**_

 _ **Will she know how much I loved her**_

 _ **Did I try in every way to show her every day**_

 _ **That she's my only one**_

 _ **And if my time on earth were through**_

 _ **And she must face this world without me**_

 _ **Is the love I gave her in the past**_

 _ **Gonna be enough to last**_

 _ **If tomorrow never comes**_

″Tell Erin...″ he started to whisper but stopped by the pain speaking created in his chest and his abdomen. He tried to take a breath, ignored the pain it caused and then grabbed Adam's arm. He had to tell him no matter what. She needed to know.

″Tell Erin I love her,″ he whispered and closed his eyes.

″No no no no no buddy. Not like this. You will tell her yourself, you hear me?″

Jay opened his eyes again and slightly shook his head. He would not be able to talk with the love of his life again. He would not be able to raise their child together. He would never know whether they had a son or a daughter, whether their baby had his eyes or hers. He would leave Erin behind when he had promised her to always be there for her. He felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes as he knew this would break her. Again. And he knew that this time no one would be able to catch her, to fix her, to keep her from falling apart.

″You will, Jay. You will. Just think about your baby, Jay. Your baby needs you, okay? You have to stay with me,″ Adam mumbled hauntingly. ″Damn, we need help in here!″ he then shouted desperately, having the feeling that minutes turned into hours.

His baby needed him. Erin needed him. They both needed him. He wasn't allowed to leave them alone. They shouldn't be forced to walk the earth without him. Jay gathered all the energy that was left in his wounded body, tried to keep his eyes open while he just wanted to close them, giving his body the sleep it needed and relieving it from the pain.

″Adam.″

″I'm here buddy, I'm here,″ he said, holding Jay's hand.

″Erin...she'll need you. All of you. Be there for her and don't let her go down that rabbit hole again. Be there for her...and the baby,″ he whispered with the last air that was left in his lungs before the darkness around him unstoppable closed in...

 _ **If tomorrow never comes**_

 _ **Will she know how much I loved her**_

 _ **Did I try in every way to show her every day**_

 _ **That she's my only one**_

 _ **And if my time on earth were through**_

 _ **And she must face this world without me**_

 _ **Is the love I gave her in the past**_

 _ **Gonna be enough to last**_

 _ **If tomorrow never comes**_

 _ **So tell that someone that you love**_

 _ **Just what you're thinking of**_

 _ **If tomorrow never comes**_


	20. Footprints In The Sand

**Thank you all again for your feedback on the last chapter and sorry for not posting earlier, really tried but I didn't have time to edit this one as I had my last exam today which was way more important! ;)**

 **Lyrics are from the song 'Footprints In The Sand' by Leona Lewis.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **20\. Footprints In The Sand**

Hank Voight stood in front of that warehouse, dozens of firefighters surrounding him, and watched the two ambulances disappear in the distance. His hands and his clothes were covered in blood. The blood of the man who was more or less his son-in-law, no matter how estranged his relationship with Erin was at the moment. Any color has dropped from his face and until yet he hasn't been able to sort his mind. He didn't even know what exactly had happened inside the warehouse half an hour ago as Ruzek has lost his consciousness after they had found him and Jay in the ruined part of the building. While his injuries didn't seem too severe, Jay's life was hanging by a thread. The looks on the paramedics faces had spoken for themselves.

″Sarge,″ Antonio said right next to him and let him startle from his thoughts. ″We need to tell Erin.″

″Yeah, I know...although I don't know how,″ he said and looked at his phone which showed eight missed calls.

″Guess she already knows that something's going on,″ Alvin said and placed his hand on Hank's shoulder. Hank glanced around, saw the rest of his unit and some patrol men of the 21st district standing close to him.

″I'm afraid she does, yes,″ he nodded. ″Everybody listen,″ he then called and immediately all the attention was on him. ″I want you to go in there and find any kind of evidence that leads us to the prick who did this to us, you understand? We need to find him and when we do I can't promise that he'll ever see the daylight again,″ he ordered and when everyone nodded he added: ″Alright, gear up!″

″Hank, you alright?″ Alvin asked, scanning his long-time partner.

″Yeah,″ he answered gruffly while in the same moment his phone rang again. ″I need to answer her this time,″ he then said and walked away to answer a call that was one of the most difficult ones in his life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

With a dull sound, Erin's phone fell to the ground. She felt like she was falling, spiraling downward, everything around her was fuzzy. Mouse looked up from his screen and saw her dithering. With one fast move he was at her side and held her by her upper arm, then pushed her back to one of the desks so she could sit down on its edge. Her whole body was shaking, her eyes were wide in shock, all the color has fallen from her face and it seemed like she didn't realize what was happening around her. He knew that something bad must've happened. Something bad with Jay. Her partner. His best friend.

″Erin,″ Mouse said quietly and tried to lock eyes with her. He felt his heart beating unhealthy in his chest, wasn't sure whether he really wanted to know about what had happened. Her reaction let him already assume the worst. But he had to be strong. Strong for his best friend's pregnant girlfriend.

″Hey Erin,″ he said again and touched her hand. She startled by his touch and looked at him but was able to find her words again.

″The bomb...″ she stumbled. ″It went off...Jay,″ she said and then her voice broke into pieces but she wasn't able to cry.

″He...he was inside,″ she whispered and swallowed down the lump in her throat, didn't let the tears fall that welled in her eyes. Mouse didn't answer anything, just stared out of the window for a moment as this brought back so many memories.

″I need to go to Med,″ Erin mumbled and got up faster than Mouse was able to hold her back.

″Erin wait,″ he said as he found his voice again ″You shouldn't drive right now. Give me the keys,″ he pleaded. She looked at him for a second and then handed him the keys with shaky hands.

″Good,″ Mouse sighed and it sounded more like he tried his best to calm himself down. ″Let's go,″ he then said, not being sure whether any of them was ready for the things that might awaited them at Chicago Med.

Some ten minutes later Erin came running into the ED of Chicago Med. The drive there had been the longest of her life, not knowing which kind of news she would get once she was here. Not allowing herself to think about all the possible scenarios, the what-if's.

She glanced around in the ED, hoping to find any familar face. Hank or Alvin or Antonio or anyone. It took her a moment but then she saw Will pacing up and down in front of one of the trauma rooms.

″Will,″ she called and ran to him.

″Erin,″ he said and as she stood in front of him he didn't know whether to hug her or not, whether she needed someone to hug her or whether she didn't want to get hugged. He then decided to just touch her arm for a brief moment.

″Why aren't you in there?″ she asked him immediately, her eyes and her voice being full of fear.

″They don't let me.″

″But he is...″ she stumbled, being scared to ask this one question that was on her mind all the time. ″But he is alive?″ she asked and her voice wasn't even a whisper.

″He is,″ Will nodded and Erin exhaled a deep breath. She looked into Will's face, saw the pain that reflected from his eyes.

″How bad is it?″ she mumbled and tried to catch a glimpse inside the trauma room.

Will didn't answer immediately, thought about whether it was better to tell her the truth or to lie to her. But then she would maybe get her hopes up too high.

″Will?″ she asked again.

″All I know is that he has some severe injuries and that it's not looking good,″ he finally said and shook his head and although Erin didn't break down in front of him, he saw her breaking down inwardly. In the same moment, the door of the trauma room opened and they shoved Jay out in a rush, everyone of the doctor's who surrounded him yelling something different. Erin didn't even have the chance to get a glimpse of him but maybe it was better like this.

″Connor,″ Will said and held his colleague back on his arm. Dr. Rhodes looked from him to Erin and then apparently decided to give them a quick update. ″Bring him up already, I'll be there in two minutes,″ he called and Erin watched them shoving his bed into the elevator, getting a quick glimpse of some bloody sheets.

″How bad are his injuries?″ Erin asked Dr. Rhodes after turning her attention from the closing elevator doors to him.

″Bad,″ he said. ″Something ruptured an artery of his thigh so he lost a lot of blood and he has a ruptured spleen that also bleeds internal. These injuries are severe but not the main problem. We will be able to fix them with the surgery. He also needed two pleural drainages because his lung is damaged, which is the reason why his condition is so unstable. But Will can explain this to you. I need to go.″

″Be honest with me...how are...how are his chances?″ she asked quietly. She didn't want to know but she needed to know. Needed to prepare herself.

Dr. Rhodes glanced at her for a moment, then looked down to the slight swell that formed under the fabric of her top and sighed. ″We'll do what we can,″ he said and left the two of them alone.

Erin wasn't able to deal with all the things she just had heard and she also wasn't able to move but at the same time she felt how she started to dither again and how dizziness hit her.

″Hey hey hey, Erin,″ Will called and grabbed her arm and for the second time that day it was Mouse who came out of nowhere and grabbed her other arm as they both kept her from falling. It have only been some minutes since she'd left the car in front of the ED while Mouse then drove to the parking lot but yet it felt like a lifetime.

″Come on, sit down,″ Will said and guided her into an empty trauma room.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and stared to the floor, tried to sort her thoughts, to handle the information she had gotten. She inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times, ran her fingers through her hair and reminded herself that she needed to stay calm while she just has gotten another proof that bad things constantly happened in her life.

″Will what did Dr. Rhodes mean?″ she asked after some moments of silence.

″Erin,″ he sighed and slightly shook his head.

″Will, what did Dr. Rhodes mean?″ she repeated her question and looked into her pseudo-brother-in-law's eyes that were so different than Jay's.

″Bomb explosions cause severe lung damage. Many victims die immediately due to an air embolism. Others develop a lung edema. That's why he got pleural drainages and why he'll be intubated for at least two more days after the surgery. But the problem is that there can still be more damage to his lung due to hypoxia and vascular damage and he can develop a so called secondary ARDS one or two days after the explosion,″ Will explained and he saw how Mouse gasped for air.

″ARDS?″ Erin asked, looking from Will to Mouse and back to Will.

″Acute respiratory distress syndrome,″ Will said.

″So this means...,″ Erin said slowly, ″that his lung could stop working anytime?″

″Yes,″ Will nodded. ″His lung is the risk during the surgery now and it'll be the risk for the following days.″

″But is there nothing they can do?″ she asked desperately.

″He's intubated, he has pleural drainages, he gets all the meds he needs. There's nothing more that can be done other than hope that his lung is not as damaged.″

Erin only nodded in response as tears welled in her eyes again. Tears she still didn't let fall. She knew that she was going to lose him in case he started to develop ARDS. In case she wouldn't lose him during this surgery already. But for now she needed to stay strong. For him. Was not allowed to lose her hope, to give up on him just as he had never given up on her.

″Hey Erin, Jay's a fighter. He will make it, okay?″ Mouse said and touched her arm supportingly.

She looked to her boyfriend's best friend but in the corner of her eyes she saw Will slightly shaking his head. No false hopes at this point.

″I will go up and wait there,″ she said and got up, still feeling dizzy.

″Erin,″ Will sighed.

″I'm fine, okay?″ she snapped. The last thing she wanted to hear right now were voices full of compassion. Neither from Will nor from anyone else.

″It will take hours until he's out of surgery.″

″I need to be there, Will,″ she answered and suddenly her voice was all cracky again and she then left the trauma room with Mouse following her some minutes later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Hours went by and every minute that passed felt like a lifetime. They haven't gotten any news ever since they had rushed Jay into the OR, neither good ones, nor bad ones. Erin sat on the floor, leaned against the wall and had her knees tucked up to her body and stared to the floor with empty eyes. She's been sitting there like this for hours already and Mouse started to get worried. She didn't say anything and it almost seemed like she had built up some imperceptible walls around herself as no one dared to talk to her. Some minutes ago Trudy Platt has joined them, brought them some sandwiches and muffins and cooled Drinks while the rest of the Intelligence unit was still on the hunt for the offender.

″What do you think Sarge, shall I try to talk to her?″ Mouse whispered.

″No, I think it's better when we leave her alone for now,″ Platt whispered back.

″She needs to eat and drink something.″

″I think eating and drinking are the last things she cares about right now, Mouse,″ Platt sighed, being all worried as she glanced to the young detective who sat on the other side of the room and seemed so far far away.

″Yeah, I know,″ Mouse nodded. ″Do you have any info on Ruzek? When we came here all we cared about was Jay...and now I feel...quite bad,″ Mouse admitted.

″He has a concussion, some broken ribs and some cuts and bruises, nothing too bad as it seems. Just needed some stitches on his forehead.″

″But still...,″ Mouse sighed. ″Maybe I should go and visit him.″

″I was there, he's sleeping, so no worries Mouse,″ Platt said and tried to smile at him.

They fell into a well-known silence again and were later joined by Will. Nobody said a word and they sat there on their chairs, waiting to finally get some news, and showed Erin that they were there for her. This was all she needed to know at the moment. That she wasn't alone although it seemed like she'd prefer to be alone and although they knew she felt like the loneliest person in the world right now.

When the doors of the OR swung open about an hour later, everyone immediately turned their head around to Dr. Rhodes, looked at him with fearful, nervous eyes. For the first time in hours Erin moved and got up from the floor. She wanted to look him in the eyes, no matter which kind of news he was going to give them. The other three also got up from their chairs and walked towards Dr. Rhodes.

″Is he...?″ Erin asked immediately, expecting the worst, but Dr. Rhodes interrupted her before she was able to finish her question.

″Regarding the circumstances everything went better than we could've expected,″ he said and everyone let out a deep, long breath.

″We fixed the artery on his thigh and all he'll keep from that injury is a small scar. We had to remove his ruptured spleen but all he'll keep from this is just a smaller scar as well and luckily there were no other internal bleedings, so there was no need for a laparatomy. However, his lung gave us some troubles during the surgery but he's stable for now. He's in a medical induced coma to give his body the best chance to heal but he's not out of the woods yet, please keep that in your minds,″ he said.

″Can I see him?″ Erin asked, trying to process all the Information and thoughts that now swirled through her head .

″In an hour, yes,″ Dr. Rhodes nodded. ″In case you need anything, please let me know.″

″We will, thank you,″ Will said and then followed Dr. Rhodes to get some more details about the surgery from him that none of the others would understand anyway.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was almost midnight when Erin was finally allowed to see Jay. One of the nurses guided her to his room on the ICU and then left her alone. She sat down in the chair right next to his bed, softly stroked the knuckles of his hand with her thumb. For a while she just sat there in silence as she wasn't able to talk. It was almost too much for her seeing him like this as his sight overwhelmed her but yet she still didn't allow herself to cry.

He was as white as the sheets he lay in, had some cuts in his face and down his arms. Tubes were coming out and going into his body everywhere, including the big one that went down his throat and kept him breathing, kept him alive and the ones that came out on both sides of his torso to help his lung to recover.

The only thing that broke the silence in the room was the penetrative beep of the ECG that controlled his heartbeat. She listened to this steady rhythm and prayed that it would stay that steady, feared that it would change any second. Knew, that she could still lose him any second, knew that every moment with him could be her last one.

Her mind kept on revolving around these thoughts and somewhen she wasn't able to handle them anymore, to keep on further listening to the penetrating beep, to the sound the ventilation machine made while it pumped oxydgen into his lung.

″I felt our baby moving for the first time today,″ she said into the silence with a cracky voice, her hand still holding his tightly. ″It felt like 100 butterflies started to fly in the same second,″ she whispered and a lump built up in her throat again, but this time she wasn't able to swallow it down. Wasn't able to hold the tears back that welled in her eyes. All day she's been able to manage to push the thought of losing him more or less away, to not let this thought creep into her mind too deep. But now these thoughts hit her again, with full force this time. Thoughts of losing him, of raising their child all alone, of being without him for the rest of her life when he was the only person she needed in her life. The person who made her feel complete but right now, for the first time in months she felt so damn incomplete again, like something was missing, gone, maybe not coming back ever again.

 _ **You walked with me**_

 _ **Footprints in the sand**_

 _ **And helped me understand**_

 _ **Where I'm going**_

 _ **You walked with me**_

 _ **When I was all alone**_

 _ **With so much unknown**_

 _ **Along the way**_

 _ **Then I heard you say**_

 _ **I promise you**_

 _ **I'm always there**_

 _ **When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair**_

 _ **I'll carry you**_

 _ **When you need a friend**_

 _ **You'll find my footprints in the sand**_

″This should be a happy day today,″ she said while silent tears rolled down her face. ″I wanted to see the smile on your face when I would've told you about it. We should be at home now, you should have your hand on my stomach because you would want to feel it so badly, too. I would tease you because I can feel it and you can't and we would laugh about it all the time,″ she said with a low voice as more tears fell from her eyes. She inhaled deeply to calm herself down, tried to hold back the crying jag that inevitably came closer.

″You sat there and held my hand and told me that we are going to do this together. And I believed you because you never break a promise you've made. Please don't do it now Jay. Don't leave me alone. I can't do this alone, do you hear me? I need you. I can't do this without you Jay,″ she whispered desperately and wiped her tears away with her hand but new tears kept on coming instantly.

″Don't stop fighting, you got me? You need to come back to me because I need you more than you will ever know and you know that I can't lose you. Not you, too, Jay. Please don't go to a place where I can't follow you,″ she cried and at this point she wasn't able to control anything anymore, weeped bitterly. Tried to cry the pain and the thoughts of losing him away but it didn't help, only made it worse.

 _ **I see my life**_

 _ **Flash across the sky**_

 _ **So many times have I**_

 _ **Been so afraid**_

 _ **And just when I**_

 _ **I thought I'd lost my way**_

 _ **You gave me strength to carry on**_

 _ **That's when I heard you say**_

 _ **I promise you**_

 _ **I'm always there**_

 _ **When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair**_

 _ **I'll carry you**_

 _ **When you need a friend**_

 _ **You'll find my footprints in the sand**_

The sudden change in the sound of the beep let her stop crying from one second to the other. They came faster, sounded louder and more dangerous. She looked up to the heart monitor, saw that the waves of his heart rate didn't seem to be so rhythmic anymore.

ARDS, that was the first thing that came into her mind. His lung started to fail, wasn't able to process the oxydgen anymore.

″No no no no no Jay, don't do this, don't go, you need to stay with me,″ she said with a loud, desperate voice and didn't even know where this strength came from so suddenly.

″I need help in here,″ she yelled and then jumped up from her chair to get someone into his room as fast as possible. But instead of running out of his room, the moment she stood on her feet, she saw stars dancing in front of her eyes before everything around her turned black.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Her view was blurry when she tried to open her eyes and her head hurt like someone has hit it with a hammer. She brought her hand up to her head and the moment she touched the lump on the side of her head and her temple she moaned in pain. She laid her hand back down on the bed and only now she realized there was a needle in the back of her hand which was connected to an infusion. She tried to remember what had happened but there was nothing.

″You took a pretty nasty fall...again,″ a familar, raspy voice said next to her.

She turned her hurting head around and saw the blurry profile of her pseudo-father sitting in the chair right next to her bed. She blinked sometimes to get a better vision and then recognized that the sun was shining outside. She still felt dizzy and wasn't able to put the pieces together. Wasn't it after midnight the last time she'd been awake?

″What happened?″ she mumbled.

″You collapsed and hit your head pretty hard when you fell to the floor. The doctors said you maybe had a panic attack combined with not eating and drinking enough throughout the day. You slept for seven hours.″

Hank's words helped her to put some more pieces together. The things that had happened became clearer and with having the feeling of someone punching her in the gut, she had all the pictures in her head again.

Jay.

Something had been wrong. She'd wanted to call for help, for someone who was able to save his life. Her heart started to race in her chest and a wave of nausea hit her by these memories. She needed to ask Hank this one question but wasn't sure whether she was ready to hear the answer.

″Jay...″ she whispered and her voice sounded so scared and her eyes were widened in fear, it broke Hank's heart.

″Erin, you should try to rest. That's best for you and the baby at the moment,″ Hank said and only now she thought about her baby for the first time since waking up but she didn't feel relieved when she lay her hand on her stomach for a brief second and felt that the slight swell was still there, that the baby was obviously still there. Recognized that she couldn't care less about it at the moment. All she cared about was whether Jay had left this earth last night or not.

″What about Jay?″ she asked again, her voice being a lot stronger but tears welling in her eyes again at the same time.

″There were some issues throughout the night...,″ he sighed, knowing that he couldn't withhold this from her. ″It's not looking good, Erin.″

Erin nodded in response, paralysed and with empty eyes.

″I...I need to see him,″ she stumbled.

″Erin you need to rest.″

″I need to see him,″ she said, a lot more emphatic this time and started pulling on her IV while she sat up to get out of the bed. But just by doing so she saw stars dancing in front of her eyes again, felt dizziness hitting her again and had the feeling that her head was going to explode.

″You need to rest,″ he said with deeply worried eyes and softly pushed her back into the cushions. ″Think about your baby, Erin.″

″I don't care about the baby,″ she whispered, turned away from him and tucked her legs to her body. ″I want to be alone now.″

″Erin,″ Hank sighed. ″You-″

″I want to be alone now,″ she echoed before he was able to finish his sentence.

″Alright, I'll be back later,″ Hank nodded, glanced at her again for a moment and then left her alone.

The moment he had left her room the tears started roll down her cheeks again. Silent tears, mixed with some sobs from time to time as she laid in her bed in fetal position. As she tried to hold her shaking body together. As she prayed that a miracle would happen although she was realistic enough to know that mircales only happened in fairytales and stupid movies. As she got another proof why she has never let someone come so close to her before, why she's always been afraid of the feelings she had for him. As she knew that she's come so far that a life without him wouldn't make sense for her anymore.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Hank has seen a lot in his life already, but seeing the young detective lying in his bed, being connected with all kind of tubes and machines was tough. Even for him. He opened the door and slipped inside the room, took the place right next to his bed. Talking to someone who was in a coma wasn't something he believed in. He didn't believe that Jay was able to hear him. But right now it was the only option he had, the only thing he could do.

″Listen Jay,″ he started. ″I know things weren't so good between you and me and Erin lately and although I'm sitting here now and talk to you doesn't mean that I'm a fan of yours and Erin's...situation. But I don't care about this right now because Erin...damn she needs you Jay,″ Hank sighed, keeping his gaze focused on Jay's closed eyes.

″I've seen her in a lot of dark places before but I've never seen her like today. We both know that she's not the tough girl she always pretends to be...but this...I can't even tell how worried I am. It's like she's living in a different world. She doesn't care about anything. She's not just devastated, she's inwardly broken. And she needs you to fix that, Jay. Not me or anyone else. You. And your baby needs you, too. We both know she can't do this without you. So don't you dare to die, do you hear me? You and I, we'll get a big problem when you don't move your ass back to the living asap,″ he finished this onesided conversation.

″I'm not sure whether threatening him is a good therapy,″ a voice he couldn't allocate appeared behind him. He turned around and saw Will Halstead leaning in the doorway.

″He can handle it, it's nothing new for him,″ Hank shrugged.

″Bet it isn't,″ Will answered with a little chuckle.

″Can you tell me anything about his current condition? Anything positive preferably?″

″He hasn't had any more issues for three hours now which is a good sign,″ Will said and crossed the room to sit down on the edge of Jay's bed adverse Hank. ″It's still too soon to say that he's out of the woods though. But we have to think positive. He's a fighter. He always fights for the people he loves,″ Will said, glancing at Hank while he placed his hand on Jay's lower leg, gave it a soft pat. Hank glanced back at the young doctor and figured that he might have heard a little more of this conversation.

″He better does this time, too,″ Hank said.

″How's Erin holding on? I only visited her some hours ago when she was asleep.″

″She's not doing good. Psychologically not physically. She doesn't want to see anyone at the moment, retreats into her shell,″ he sighed.

″What about the baby?″ Will asked.

″The baby's fine. Her doctor did an ultrasound while she was unconscious and everything looked good. But she doesn't want to eat and drink and the only thing that keeps her hydrated are the liquids they give her via her IV. She doesn't care about anything at the moment, neither the baby.″

″Do you think something would change if Natalie talks to her? She went through the same...″ Will said.

″But her husband died, didn't he?″ he asked and Will answered with a nod.

″As long as Jay's heart is still beating she shouldn't talk to someone who didn't get the happy-end,″ Hank said, looking from Will to Jay.

″You're right. It was a stupid idea,″ Will sighed.

″It wasn't. It's just something we hopefully won't need,″ Hank answered pensively and sent silent prayers that Erin would get the happy-end she deserved.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

All of Erin's team members checked by throughout the day but she talked to none of them, wanted to be alone and preferred to pretend that she was asleep. She didn't feel like talking, always feared that that someone who was coming into her room would tell her that Jay has died or that it was time to say goodbye. But nothing happened, all of them just sat down in the chair which was placed in the corner of the room and stayed with her for a while before they left again.

Her attention only changed when Will visited her in the early evening, pushing a wheelchair into her room and carrying a bag in his hand.

″How are you doing?″

″What do you want Will?″ she asked him with a faint voice.

″We are going to take a ride,″ he said and pointed to the wheelchair.

″I'm not allowed to leave the bed. Order from my doctors,″ she said and already turned away from him.

″Who cares, you are going to have a doctor with you. I think they'd be okay with that,″ he shrugged. She turned around again and looked at him, saw that he was waiting for her reaction.

″Where are we going?″

″Where do you think we're going Erin?″ Will asked in response and a faint smile rushed over his face. He could see how Erin's face immediately lighted up a little and she unwrapped herself from the sheets.

″What's in the bag though?″ she asked as she sat on the edge of her bed.

″Change of clothes for you. I hope you don't mind that I stole Jay's key of your apartment.″

″No...I don't,″ she stumbled and was a little perplex by this gesture.

″Alright, so here's the deal: I'll give you your clothes so you can change and then we'll go to Jay. In return you'll go to the cafeteria with me afterwards and you'll promise me to have dinner there with me,″ Will said casually, scanning her for her reaction.

″I knew there is a twist.″

″Take it or leave it,″ Will shrugged, saw how she obviously thought about his offer.

″Instead of this hospital muck, can we order pizza or so?″

″Sure,″ he grinned and handed her the bag.

Will removed her IV for the time being and some ten minutes later, she stepped out of the bathroom, wearing some sweatpants, comfy socks and a top, her hair tied to a loose ponytail. Already now she looked better than all day.

″Ready to go?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded.

″Sit down,″ he said and pointed to the wheelchair.

″Will, I can walk,″ she assured him immediately.

″Erin, let's at least try to follow the rules of this hospital somehow when we already break your bedrest-rule, okay?″

″Okay,″ she sighed and sat down in the wheelchair.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Alright, I'll leave the two of you alone for an hour,″ Will said with a soft smile after Erin had changed from the wheelchair to the chair right next to Jay's bed.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded.

″Will?″ she then said when he was already at the door and he immediately turned around to her again.

″Yeah?″

″Thank you.″

″You're welcome, Erin, you're welcome,″ he answered and then left her alone.

Once again Erin sat there in silence, just held his hand or let her fingers go up and down his arm, gently caressing his skin. She didn't know whether he was able to feel her presence but his presence was in any case good for her. She felt a lot calmer and better just from sitting right next to him, from seeing him breathing, than she had felt all day. At the moment, she didn't even have the urge to cry. What might could've had something to do with the fact that Will had told her that Jay's condition was stable on their way to the ICU. She still didn't allow herself to get her hopes up too high but she also didn't fear the worst anymore. At least not as much as she had before.

″Jay I know you can't hear me but I just wanted to tell you that you need to keep on fighting. I know it is hard and I know it might be easier to go than to stay here. But you did so good thus far and I don't want you to give up. I'm here and I fight with you and I won't give up on you either. Take the time you need but please come back to me,″ she pleaded with a low voice and no matter how much she tried to be strong, some tears fell from her eyes again anyway.

The room fell into silence again and when Will came in about half an hour later the shyest and slightest smile surrounded her lips. It was something Will had never expected to see.

″Guess this little trip did you good,″ Will said and sat down on the edge of the bed adverse Erin.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″I've just felt the baby move again...for the first time since Jay's accident...it's actually pretty active at the moment and it feels like it's moving all the time...yesterday afternoon, when I'd felt it for the first time it was just a brief moment...and now...I don't know...I think that it maybe feels that Jay's here, you know? I know this sounds stupid...but...″ she shrugged and bit her lower lip.

″Hey Erin, it doesn't sound stupid at all,″ Will smiled, being more than just relieved that this little trip obviously has changed her feelings for her baby again, that she started to care about it again.

In this moment, the door opened and Dr. Rhodes walked into the room.

″I was looking for you and when I found your room all empty I figured this is the only other place where I can find you,″ he greeted Erin. ″Guess you had a partner in crime?″ he grinned and glanced at Will.

″I had,″ she nodded. ″Why did you want to see me? Is something wrong?″ she asked, felt how her heart dropped to her knees, how the strain made a comeback.

″No, nothing's wrong,″ he said. ″His condition has steadily improved for the last hours, the MRI we made throughout the day is negative, his blood test result is good and that means we're at the point where we can soon try to start to reduce the meds that keep him in coma and where we will then try to extubate him when his condition stays like this for the next 24 hours. The process of waking up can take some days and maybe the first try to extubate him will fail but all in all things are looking good.″

Erin let out a deep, long breath as she had held her breath while Dr. Rhodes had talked and felt tears rolling down her face again.

″Hey Erin, these are good news,″ Dr. Rhodes said and placed his hand on her shoulder.

″Yeah I know...,″ she stumbled with a cracky voice. ″It's just...this morning I was told it's not looking good...all day I thought I'm going to lose him...and now...I somehow can't believe this is true,″ she said and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″I'm honest with you, we can't believe it either. But sometimes miracles happen.″

″I only start to believe in miracles the moment he wakes up.″

″The way his condition has improved within the last hours is something we never have expected, especially not after last night. So this already is a miracle,″ he said and gave the fragile woman who sat in front of him another little smile. The woman who didn't know that after last night, the doctors had given Jay a chance to survive that was close to none.

″Okay,″ she nodded and right now this was the only thing she was able to say. Her hands were all shaky but at the same time her heart started to flutter a little. Fluttered in excitement, excitement she wasn't allowed to have yet. Not until he was awake and back with her. Not as long as they didn't know whether he would really wake up.

″Good, see you in the morning then,″ Dr. Rhodes said and left the two of them alone.

Will gave Erin another moment before he broke the silence in the room.

″You ready for pizza?″

″Yeah, more or less,″ she sighed and tried to smile. She got up from her chair, leaned over Jay's face and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

″I love you,″ she whispered while softly stroking his cheek with her thumb.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A day passed without any major happenings. Erin spent most of her day on Jay's bedside and only went back to her own room when her doctor came in and reminded her that she needed to rest. From time to time some of her team members visited her but she still wasn't eager to talk too much, so they only exchanged some words about the case and they all told her that they were there for her whenever she needed them.

The following morning, just after Erin had taken a shower, Dr. Rhodes came into her room.

″There's something you should see,″ he said. ″Come on,″ he added when he saw Erin furrowing a brow and guided her towards the ICU.

When Erin walked into Jay's room she slightly gasped when she looked at him. He wasn't intubated anymore and instead there only was a tube on his nose that supplied his body with additional oxydgen.

″We did the extubation about an hour ago. It was the first try and he took it like a champ. He didn't have any troubles and he's breathing on his own. His lung does the work again,″ he smiled. ″He also doesn't get any coma-meds anymore which means he's now basically in the phase of waking up. But as I said before, this will most likely take some time.″

Erin swallowed down the lump in her throat and then turned around to Dr. Rhodes.

″Thank you. Thank you so much.″

″That's my job and on a day like today I love my job,″ he winked and then left her alone some moments later.

For the first time in days Erin was able to see Jay's face again. He looked so peaceful and like always, it almost looked like the littlest of smiles was on his lips. God, how much she had missed that. She leaned over him and pressed her lips against his, giving him a soft kiss, before she sat down on the edge of his bed, being as close as possible to him, hoping that her presence would maybe somehow help him to wake up.

″Knock knock,″ a familar voice said behind her some hours later.

″Adam,″ she smiled as she turned her head around to him.

″May I?″

″Sure,″ she answered and he sat down on the other side of the bed. Erin looked at him for a moment, saw the scratches and bruises in his face and down his arms and then lowered her head, felt bad that she hasn't checked on him the previous days.

″You boxed against Klitschko?″ she asked him, trying to find a way to start a conversation.

″Yep, lost it,″ he laughed. ″What about you? Heard you were knocked-out too.″

″Yeah, lost against the hospital floor,″ she chuckled.

″Nice one, Erin,″ he winked.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″Listen Adam, I'm sorry for not checking on you earlier.″

″Erin, it's okay, I understand. You had other stuff to deal with. And big Halstead here and little Halstead in there needed you more than I did,″ he said and gave her a smile.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ she answered and glanced to Jay again.

″Erin...I'm so sorry for all of this,″ he then said and suddenly all the joke in his voice was gone.

″This isn't your fault, Adam,″ she assured him immediately.

″But I feel guilty anyway...We went in to check everything out while the rest stayed outside. I was covering him and stayed behind him all the time and then he saw something suspicious and told me to stay back and cover his back instead of going with him. Then everything happened so fast. He yelled 'bomb' and came running towards me and then it already went off. I was close to a wall and hid behind it but he didn't have a chance to find a safe place,″ Adam explained with a broken voice.

″I don't think that there's anything you could've done to prevent this,″ she sighed.

″I know but still,″ he nodded. ″He's going to be okay, right?″

″Things are looking good,″ she said and gave Adam a weak smile while softly stroking Jay's arm.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin fell asleep while she was sitting in the chair, half of her body lying on Jay's bed, her head resting close to his pelvis and she woke up when she felt someone tickling her neck in the softest way. She blinked some times and when she realized that no one other than Jay was with her, when she realized that it could only have been his fingers that had caressed her neck, her heart literally jumped out of her chest and she sat up immediately.

″Hey beautiful,″ he whispered with a weak smile on his face, his bright blue eyes focusing on her as she turned her head around to him and glanced at him, tears welling in her eyes.

″Hey there,″ she answered with barely no voice and didn't even try to hold all the tears back. ″Welcome back,″ she whispered, leaned over him and locked eyes with him, pressed her forehead against his forehead and then placed a soft kiss on his lips. Stroked his cheeks with her thumbs and couldn't stop to look into his eyes that looked so tired but scanned her so much nonetheless. These piercing blue eyes she thought she'd never see again. She lay her hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat, felt how he lay his hand on top of hers and squeezed it weakly. And as Erin felt his heart strongly beating under her hand, as she felt his skin on hers again, as she wasn't able to control all of her emotions and wasn't able to say anything, as she just tried to soak this moment in and smiled at him happily, she knew that this was the point where she was allowing herself to think positive again. Knew that there was more to come. More chapters to their future to be added. More stories to be told. More footprints in the sand to be walked. Together.

* * *

 **Hope you liked it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think :)  
**

 **I'm not a medical person but I looked all the medical stuff up to make it as real as possible, so I hope it somehow made sense ;)**


	21. Never Knew I Needed

**Thank you all once again for the reviews! When I started this story I never expected that so many of you would like it, so your support really means a lot to me!**

 **As I'm now enjoying my summer break I have lots of time to write until I go on vacation in five weeks, so here we go :)**

 **Lyrics are from "Never Knew I Needed" by Ne-Yo. Sorry for all the songs lately but I like including some when they fit :)**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **21\. Never Knew I Needed**

″What happened?″ Jay asked her, his eyes checking on his surroundings, but he had to cough immediately as his throat was still sore from the intubation.

″Heyheyhey,″ Erin said and stroked his cheek. ″No speaking for now, okay? Just relax,″ she pleaded and pushed the emergency button so the doctors could check on him and his condition. It only took some seconds for Dr. Rhodes and another doctor from the ICU came running into his room but they stopped abruptly when they saw the reason why they've been called, some big smiles forming on their faces. They checked on his vitals, the reaction of his pupils, asked him some routine questions he only had to answer with yes or no, told him about the surgery and then he was allowed to drink some very small sips of water from a cup that Erin held for him.

″You good?″ she asked which he answered with a nod and laid back down into the cushions.

″Alright, we'll leave the two of you alone now,″ Dr. Rhodes then said and left the room together with his colleague just as Will entered the room.

″Sleeping beauty is awake,″ he grinned. ″Good to see you brother,″ he said and sat down on his bed.

″Can't say this about you,″ he still whispered but Erin could hear the teasing in his voice anyway, saw how he tried to suppress a little laughter tha would only hurt.

″Oh come on, you just came out of a coma and then this?″ Will laughed.

″Mhm. So how long was I out?″ he asked, his voice getting a little stronger, and looked from Will to Erin and back to Will.

″Just seven months,″ Will answered casually.

″What?!″ Jay echoed with wide eyes and sat up with one fast move. Too fast as he felt a stabbing pain going through the scar on his abdomen, through his head, through his torso, through his whole body.

″Will!″ Erin called and gave him a look as if she wanted to kill him and then pushed Jay back into his cushions again while Will mumbled ″sorry″.

″I didn't miss the birth of our baby, did I?″ he asked her quietly, his eyes looking for comfort in hers.

″No you didn't, it's just been three days,″ she answered and only now she realized that she was wearing one of his wide blackhawks-shirts that completely hid her belly. She got up and flattened the fabric over her stomach to show him that he hasn't missed anything.

″It grew,″ he smiled.

″I doubt it grew as much in three days that you can see it,″ she grinned, took her spot on the edge of his bed again and immediately reached for his hand again.

″I'll leave the two of you alone then. Just wanted to check on you and see whether the rumors are true,″ Will chuckled and gave his brother a pat on his shoulder.

″They are,″ Jay nodded.

″And I couldn't be happier about it,″ Will said and then left the room, giving the two of them their well-deserved alone-time.

″You should try to sleep, you look tired,″ Erin said, softly stroking his cheek, her eyes still being all worried.

″I slept the last three days, I'm good Erin,″ he answered, bringing his hand up to her face.

″You're not. You need to rest, so please give your body what it needs, okay?″

″Okay,″ he nodded and closed his tired eyes, enjoyed how her fingers tickled his arm. He could vaguely remember that after the explosion he had feared that he would never see her again so the last thing he wanted to do now was sleeping. But he knew she was right, he needed to sleep. He was tired, groggy, speaking hurt, breathing hurt and he was sure that without the pain killers every single inch of his body would hurt. He wanted to spend as less time as possible in the hospital so it was on him to give his body what it needed, no matter whether his mind wanted something different or not.

It took only some seconds and Jay was in dreamland again. Erin stayed for a little while longer, reflected all the things that had happened in the last three hours. When one of the nurses came to change his infusion and to give him new pain killers and then told her that he would sleep throughout the night, Erin gave him a soft kiss on his cheek and then left for her own room and later fell asleep feeling the tiniest bit of happy for the first time in days.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay's eyes fluttered open on the following morning and he saw Erin sitting right next to his bed, a weak smile rushed over his face. He felt a little better than the evening before and his vision was a lot clearer, almost back to normal and breathing didn't hurt as much anymore.

″Good morning,″ Erin smiled and leaned down to kiss his lips and for the first time he was able to respond her kiss. How much she has missed the taste of his lips, the feeling when his lips met hers and then melted into a soft kiss.

″Can I have another one?″ he grinned as soon as they had finished and she didn't let him beg twice.

″Thank you,″ he winked afterwards.

″Was a pleasure,″ she smirked before she got serious again. ″How do you feel?″

″Better than yesterday.″

″Yeah?″ she asked.

″A little, yeah. But still feeling like I'm high, floating, flying or something,″ he said with a little laughter while glancing at her but the smile fell from his face when something else attracted his attention.

″What happened to your head?″ he asked, brought his hand up to the lump on her temple and now he was the one who was all worried.

″Uhm...nothing you need to worry about,″ she answered quietly and bit her lip.

″Erin please.″

″I...I just got a light concussion when I crashed with the floor the other night after your-″ she started to explain but was interrupted as Dr. Hanson entered the room.

″I thought I'd find you here and I guess you forgot your appointment with me?″ she greeted Erin.

″Damn,″ Erin cursed.

″No worries, you have some very good reasons to be here. But when you want to get discharged, you should come with me now,″ she winked and then came closer to Jay's bed.

″Good to have you back with us, Mr. Halstead,″ she smiled at him.

″Uhm...yeah...thanks,″ he stumbled while furrowing a brow. Why was everyone talking about having him back and what did Erin want to tell him before they got interrupted and much more important, why was Dr. Hanson talking about discharging her?

″I'll be back soon,″ Erin said, squeezed his hand for a moment and then followed her doctor without answering all his questions.

Jay tried to doze a little but his mind kept him awake. He needed to know what exactly had happened with him within the last few days and why Erin had crashed with the floor and has obviously been a patient in this hospital as well for the last few days. And had something happened to their baby, too or why did she have an appointment with her gynecologist when their next scheduled one was in four weeks? He had so many questions and yet no one was here who could give him some answers. He kept on thinking about this a little while longer, got worried that maybe something was wrong with their Baby and Erin hasn't told him about yet because she wanted to protect him, wanted him to get better first.

″Can't believe she left your side,″ his brother's voice made him stir from his thoughts.

″She has an appointment with her OB,″ he answered, giving his brother a meaningful glance.

″Oh,″ Will sighed and sat down in the chair.

″Tell me what happened these past few days,″ he pleaded.

″Jay-″

″Will, please. I need to know. Everybody is talking in secrets, until some minutes ago I didn't even know that Erin had a meet and greet with the hospital floor. What happened?″

″Jay you didn't only have some severe injuries,″ Will answered with a low voice and shook his head. ″You were almost dead. Your chances to survive were close to none at some point. In the night after your surgery, we thought we're going to lose you. Several times. And although we got you back every time we still didn't believe you'd make it. We didn't give up on you but nobody dared to hope that you will come back to us either. And then a miracle happened, Jay. Just a couple of hours after your lung failed over and over again your condition started to improve. Rapidly. We still can't really explain this but it seems like your relentless fighting spirit saved your life. That you're talking with me now, four days later and that you'll most likely be off the oxydgen by the end of the day is a miracle, Jay.″

Jay had to swallow hard by the words of his brother. He hadn't known that it's been that kind of a close call, that he'd been more dead than alive. And what made him feel even worse was the fact that Erin had to go through all of that, through the constant fear of losing him.

″What happened to Erin?″ he asked with a cracky voice.

″We don't know for sure, we found her unconsciousness. She was with you the night after your surgery...when you collapsed for the first time. We think she had a panic attack combined with not eating and drinking enough throughout the day and therefore collapsed in your room,″ Will explained, still not feeling good by telling his brother all of this.

″Why didn't you guys tell me about this yesterday?″

″We didn't want you to worry too much. You needed to rest. You still need to rest by the way.″

″I'm good,″ he assured him immediately. ″How did Erin deal...with everything?″ he asked and his voice was nothing more then a whisper. Will could hear the guilt in it.

″How do you think she dealt with it Jay?″ Will asked rhetorical. ″She thought she's going to lose you. We all did. But this is not your fault Jay. You came back because your will to survive was bigger than anything else, because you didn't want to leave her and your baby alone, because you always fight for the people you love. So please do me a favor: don't think too much about the things that happened. You can't change them anymore and you'll be fine and that's all that matters. Start instead thinking about the future, the baby. There are lot of good things coming,″ he said and gave his brother an encouraging smile.

″I'll try,″ Jay sighed although he still felt bad about what all the important people in his life, especially Erin of course, had to go through.

″You should,″ he winked.

″I just remembered, I've had a weird...dream when I was in coma,″ Jay said after a moment of silence.

″Yeah? Tell me more, I'm a fan of weird dreams,″ Will laughed.

″I dreamed about Voight. He threatened to kill me but I don't know why... but it was so real man,″ Jay chuckled but immediately stopped by the pain laughing created in his whole body.

″I guess this wasn't a dream,″ Will answered and his eyes were kinda widened in disbelief.

″What do you mean?″ Jay frowned.

″He visited you and I didn't exactly eavesdrop but I heard him talking to you and he said something about that you and him will have a problem when you don't move your ass back to the living asap. Nice guy, Hank Voight,″ he laughed.

″Tell me about it. But this is coincidence, right?″

″Yeah, most likely,″ Will winked although he wasn't sure whether it really was.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

An hour later, Erin came back into Jay's room and saw him peacefully dozing. But it didn't take long until his eyes fluttered open as he felt her presence somehow.

″How long are you here?″ he yawned.

″Just a couple of minutes. Keep on sleeping.″

″Later. Is the baby alright?″ he asked her the most important question without beating around the bush.

″It is,″ she nodded, softly smiling at him. ″Dr. Hanson just wanted to check again whether there's some damage to my placenta due to the fall but everything's fine and I'm allowed to go home. I even got a new sonogram photo especially for you,″ she grinned and handed him the print of the sonogram.

″Thank you,″ he answered all smiles and as always he was all fascinated when he looked at the newest picture of baby Halstead.

″It has your nose,″ he grinned.

″You can't even tell from this photo.″

″Of course I can,″ he said and sounded all convinced.

″Mhm, sure,″ she nodded with a smirk on her lips.

″Come here,″ he then said, offering her to lay down on her favorite spot in the world, right next to him.

″I don't wanna hurt you.″

″You won't,″ he assured her immediately.

″Okay,″ she answered and laid down next to him, on the uninjured side of his body, but being as careful as possible nonetheless. ″Is this okay for you?″

″It's perfect,″ he answered and wrapped his arm around her to hold her tight although the scar on his abdomen and the pleural drainage that still came out on one side of his body twinged by this movement.

Erin rested her head on his shoulder and snuggled as close to him as possible, laid her foot on top of his uninjured one and her hand once again found its spot on his chest.

″Erin I'm sorry for all of this,″ he mumbled into her hair.

″Jay,″ she sighed and looked up to him. ″Please don't blame yourself for this. Nothing of this is your fault.″

″But all the things I put you through-″

″No Jay. This has to stop. It was a horrible accident but all that matters to me is that you're back with me...with us,″ she said and looked down to her stomach that bumped on his waist. ″I almost lost you Jay and I don't wanna lose you to your guilt or whatever else now. This is nobody's fault, least of all yours,″ she whispered and her voice broke. ″When this is someone's fault, it's mine. Because I interrogated that other prick who gave us the tip about the warehouse and didn't get how crazy he was, how he played us.″

″No Erin, if I'm not allowed to blame myself for it, you're not allowed to blame yourself for it either, alright?″ he asked.

″Okay,″ she sighed.

″Good,″ he mumbled and placed a kiss on her forehead.

″I need to tell you something,″ she then said and grinned up to him as she suddenly felt this well-known flutter in her stomach again.

″Do you?″ he asked, being slightly curious as he saw this cute grin on her lips and in her eyes as well.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″I can feel the baby move.″

″No way,″ he answered and the brightest of smiles appeared on his face.

″Shortly before your accident I felt it for the first time and now it's already a little more intense than some days ago,″ she smiled and the happiness on his face made her heart burst.

″Is it moving right now?″ he asked and even though he couldn't feel anything of it yet he was more than excited about it.

″It is. I don't know what it's doing but it's pretty active,″ she nodded.

″How does it feel?″

″Hmm, hard to describe. It's a flutter. Like when one hundred butterflies start to fly at the same time or like when someone tickles you from inside,″ she laughed.

″I can't wait until it starts to kick,″ he grinned, his eyes sparkling in excitement.

″Guess this will be a lot more uncomfortable for me,″ she chuckled.

″Maybe. But a lot better for me,″ he smirked and kissed her head again, placing his hand on the side of her stomach. ″I love you.″

″I love you, too. Thank you for fighting so hard and coming back to me,″ she whispered while tracing circles onto his chest, while thinking about how much he has changed her life, how much he has changed her. How he has become something she never knew she needed.

 _ **For the way you changed my plans**_

 _ **For being the perfect distraction**_

 _ **For the way you took the idea that I have**_

 _ **Of everything that I wanted to have**_

 _ **And made me see there was something missing**_

 _ **For the ending of my first begin**_

 _ **And for the rare and unexpected friend**_

 _ **For the way you're something that I'd never choose**_

 _ **But at the same time something I don't wanna lose**_

 _ **And never wanna be without never again**_

 _ **You're the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So when you were here I had no idea**_

 _ **You the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So now it's so clear, I need you here always**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

The following day, Jay was transfered to a normal room but was not yet allowed to leave his bed. As Erin had to take it easy for two more days she of course spent all day with him, watched him sleeping, cuddled with him or they watched TV together or played Uno, did all in all everything so none of them got bored. In the evening they were joined by some of their colleagues and on Tuesday, the pleural drainage was removed from Jay's body and he was finally allowed to take a shower. And just as he had helped Erin to shower after her accident it was now Erin who helped him and carefully washed his wounded body and then helped him to put his sweatpants and shirt on.

By Wednesday, the last day of August, Erin returned to the bullpen, carrying a chocolate muffin with a enlightened candle in her hands as she walked up the stairs. She went straight into Hank's office and placed it on the desk in front of him.

″Happy Birthday,″ she said, almost shy, and smiled a little when she glanced at him.

″Thank you,″ Hank nodded and also smiled a little. It was in fact the first smiles they gave each other since the day he found out about her pregnancy.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″I'll check on the case then,″ she added and left his office again.

Of course there was still a conversation to be made between the two of them but it wasn't the right time yet and Erin didn't want to use Jay's accident as pretense. This was about her and Hank and should not be based on the latest drama. Maybe things have changed a little due to it but they both needed a little more time, especially Hank. They were back at a point where they exchanged more than just three words about the case but this was just one step into the right direction, one step back to normal.

While Erin was back at work, Jay felt better every day but was at the same time more bored every day, too. The days in the hospital were long and the only person who checked by throughout the day was his brother and sometimes some of the other doctors who usually worked in the ED and knew him more or less. And Mouse checked by every day during his lunch break but always made a big secret of his visit, told Jay he shouldn't tell anyone that he has visited him. At first Jay was a little confused by the weird behavior of his best friend but it didn't take him long to find out what this was about and it was just a typical Mouse-thing and quite a cute reason. His best friend obviously had a little crush on Dr. Reese, one of the young doctors who worked on this ward at the moment and therefore visited him for an hour every day to have the opportunity to see her and to exchange some words with her. But anyway Jay had the feeling that his friend would most likely need some help to land a date with her somewhen.

When Erin walked into his room on Friday, he sat on his bed, eagerly waiting for her.

″What's up?″ she frowned when she saw him grinning at her and leaned down to him to kiss him.

″Do you have anything planned for the weekend?″ he asked her.

″Despite visiting my wounded soldier?″ she chuckled and sat down on the edge of the bed, kissed him again.

″How about taking your wounded soldier home?″ he whispered into her ear and a bright smile appeared on her face instantly.

″I'd love to do that,″ she murmured back into his ear and then placed a kiss on his cheek. ″Didn't they say Monday is the earliest day they'll might discharge you?″

″They did. But I'm such a good patient and I begged them so nice, so they decided to let me go home. And it might helped that Will promised to check on me once a day and that I assured them that I have the best girlfriend in the world who will take care of me 24/7,″ he grinned at her all innocent.

″24/7?″ she echoed and raised her eyebrows. ″Can I think about that?″ she teased him, fully enjoying it that they were able to joke with each other again.

″Nope, already signed the papers. Guess you don't have an option here,″ he smirked.

″Too bad,″ she laughed. ″Then let's get you home.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay was finally on the couch in Erin's apartment, after making a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up all of his meds, he felt like he had just crested the Mount Everest although Erin had helped him as much as possible with walking up the stairs. She had then helped him to lie down on the couch and had left him again to pick up his bag from the car. Jay stared up to the ceiling and had to smile although the fresh scars on his body twinged. He was so happy to be home, to sleep in a normal bed again. He had no idea how people were supposed to recover in a hospital, where nurses and doctors came into the room literally every five seconds and didn't really give their patients the rest they needed. He was sure that his recovery would be even faster now that he was home. Home. At Erin's place which was his home, too. They haven't even discussed about whether home was his place or hers, it was so natural for both of them that she's meant her place when she had talked about taking him home. Her apartment has become their together home during the last few weeks, they almost spent all their time there and only were at his place occasionally. Maybe it was time to talk about their living situation again within the next few weeks, especially given the fact that the birth of their baby was only five more months away.

″You good?″ Erin asked when she came back some minutes later.

″I am,″ he nodded. ″Come here, you need to rest, too.″

″Jay I'm fine. Are you hungry?″

″A little,″ he shrugged. ″We can order something, what do you think?″

″Sounds good,″ she smiled and sat down on the edge of the couch. ″You want to take a shower before?″

″Yeah, a shower would be appreciated,″ he answered and sat up with a moan escaping from his mouth.

″Easy Jay,″ she said immediately, glancing at him all worried.

″I'm good, Er,″ he assured her, got up from the couch and then wrapped his arms around her as he saw that she still didn't seem to be convinced. ″It'll take a while until I don't feel the pain anymore, okay?″ he mumbled into her hair.

″Yeah, I know. But please tell me if you don't feel good,″ she said while looking up into his blue eyes.

″Of course,″ he answered and gave her a short kiss before limping into the direction of the bathroom with her help.

″I had an idea the other day,″ Erin said while helping him to strip his shirt.

″What idea?″

″How about a little weekend getaway to Wisconsin for your birthday in two weeks? I think we could both need some downtime. Just the two of us, the lake, the woods. What do you think?″

Of course Jay didn't have to think about this for even one second. He loved Wisconsin and speding time there with Erin was his favorite thing in the world.

″I can't wait,″ he grinned, a sparkle of excitement in his eyes.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

After spending one week at home, where the only thing that had kept him entertained throughout the day was playing FIFA and some race games on the playstation Adam has borrowed him, Jay got cleared for light work and Hank allowed him to join Erin with working the desk, much to Erin's joy as it was quite a nice change to be partnered up with her partner in two ways again. Although the circumstances were a whole lot different as they had to fight with papers and ballpens instead of offenders who tried to run away.

″God this is insane,″ he sighed on the second day of his desk duty.

″What?″

″Working the desk while everybody else is out and doing the cool stuff,″ he said. Some minutes ago the rest of the unit has rolled out, including Mouse as they needed their tech whiz with them this time, so Erin and Jay were alone in the bullpen and hadn't too much to do at the moment.

″Let me get this straight: this is day two for you. I'm on what feels like day 100,″ she answered all dry.

″All this paperwork gives me a headache.″

″Welcome to my world, babe.″

″Maybe I can understand you a little better now,″ he smirked.

″Maybe?″ she echoed and raised her eyebrows while she got up from her chair, walking to his desk.

″Okay, I feel sorry for you, satisfied?″ he grinned. ″This is tough stuff but you're doing it for the right reason,″ he said and glaced at her belly that seemed to grow day by day lately but still wasn't too big for almost 21 weeks.

″Yeah, I know,″ she smiled and sat down on his uninjured thigh, intertwining her hands behind his neck.

″In two days we'll be in Wisconsin,″ she whispered into his ear.

″I can't believe Hank gave us two days off without further discussions,″ he grinned.

″Well, we're pretty much useless for this unit at the moment,″ Erin laughed.

″Oh come on, we're not.″

″In this case it's not a bad thing that we are. Now we have four days at your cabin,″ she noticed and kissed his lips. This was the big benefit of them both being on desk duty and being alone in the bullpen. They didn't have to keep it professional all day which was really nice.

″Maybe we should be useless more often,″ he winked.

″Don't you dare,″ she answered and punched her fist onto his shoulder softly and in the same moment she felt something punching inside her stomach. Or better: someone kicking.

″Holy cow.″

″What's wrong?″ Jay asked, being slightly in panic by her words and by her hand moving to her stomach immediately.

″Nothing,″ she grinned, feeling another kick. ″Give me your hand.″

″What?″ he frowned.

″Quick Jay,″ she laughed, reached for his hand and placed it on her stomach just in time for another strong kick.

Erin glanced at him, waiting for his reaction and what she then saw was almost too much for her heart to take. An unbelievable beaming smile appeared on his face, a smile she's never seen before, not on the photo with his grandfather, not when he'd seen their baby for the first time. Never. This kind of happiness and this sparkle in his eyes she's never seen on his face before. It was a moment filled with pure magic and Erin was so touched by his reaction, she couldn't say anything for a moment. Neither could Jay as he was way too fascinated and speechless from what he was feeling.

″This is incredible,″ he said with a voice that also was a little touched and couldn't stop smiling.

″Mhm,″ she only nodded and placed her hand on top of his.

″Again,″ he said as he felt another little kick against his hand. ″How can it already be so strong? Out of nowhere?″

″I don't know. Guess someone has a talent for soccer,″ Erin laughed but she also didn't have an explanation. Of course the flutters have become stronger and more intense almost every day but these kicks now were something completely different.

″I can't believe it,″ Jay grinned and slightly shook his head before he placed an intense kiss on Erin's lips. ″I love you,″ he whispered into her mouth. ″And yes, I love you, too,″ he laughed and softly tickled her belly with his fingers as he felt another kick against his hand, just like the baby wanted to make sure that it still got all the attention.

″I love you too,″ she whispered back and couldn't stop glaring at him. The smile and happiness on Jay's face melted her heart and in this moment his happiness was hers, his joy was hers, his excitement was hers. For the very first time she enjoyed this. Being pregnant. She was even able to push the thought away that becoming a mother was still something that scared her more than she wanted to admit but right now she just felt more loved than ever before. And seeing this unbelievable smile on his face made her fall in love with him over and over again.

 _ **My accidental happily ever after**_

 _ **The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter**_

 _ **I must admit you were not a part of my book**_

 _ **But now if you open it up and take a look**_

 _ **You're the beginning and the end of every chapter**_

 _ **You're the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So when you were here I had no idea**_

 _ **You the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So now it's so clear, I need you here always**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

They started their roadtrip to Wisconsin early on Thursday morning and this time the atmosphere in the car was good all the way along. They joked and laughed, backbit about other drivers and discussed about the songs that were playing on the radio. As there was barely no traffic on the road they arrived at the cabin in the early afternoon.

Erin got out of the car and inhaled the fresh air, let the bright sun shine on her face as a soft breeze streamed through her hair. She has really missed this place. And fall was definitely in the air already although it still was quite warm for mid September. Some of the leafs of the trees around them have already started to change their colors from green to yellow or red and but yet the sunflowers in the garden were still in full bloom.

Jay walked around the car and wrapped her arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek.

″It's so good to be back,″ he murmured into her ear.

″It is,″ she nodded. ″I really missed this place. Although I've only been her once before it feels like coming home,″ she said and turned around to him, softly smiling at him before his lips crashed hers.

And as much as Jay loved it to be back here with her, in this moment he knew for sure that his doctor's order of not having any sexual intercourse for three more weeks was going to be an even bigger challenge this weekend. He didn't have any pain anymore, his scars only twinged when he made a wrong movement and his doctor was pretty satisfied with his wound healing but yet they had to survive three more weeks. And he honestly didn't know how.

A sigh escaped from his lips and he tried his best to push this thought away. They would somehow manage it no matter how hard it was.

″Everything alright?″ Erin frowned.

″Yeah, everything's perfect,″ he smiled, kissed her again and then interlocked his fingers with hers and walked into the cabin with her.

They spent the rest of the day with enjoying the last rays of sunshine of this summer close to the lake and soaking in these moments they both had thought they'd never have again some short weeks ago. When Erin wanted to go for a swim and walked through the plain water of the lake, Jay couldn't help but had to smile when he looked at her. Pregnancy suited her, although she still didn't like it, and he loved seeing her in a bikini, flaunting her round stomach. He watched her for a little while longer only to realize that she didn't have the guts to go into the lake any further. Although he wasn't allowed to swim because being in the water for too long could harm his wound healing, he got up and joined her in the plain water just to tease her for being such a princess in the most adorable way.

In the evening, they cooked together and their plans of spending the rest of the evening outside in the garden got foiled when a heavy thunderstorm approached. So instead of lying in the hammock together they listened to the rain and the thunder by lying down in their giant bed with Jay resting his head on Erin's stomach, listening and talking to their baby while Erin softly tickled his neck and the back of his head. It was the first time that Jay did this and Erin fully enjoyed this intimate moment, enjoyed his happiness and excitement, even enjoyed being pregnant once again.

″Someone woke up, huh?″ he grinned as he felt some kicks.

″I'm not surprised. You talked to it so much, there was no chance for it to sleep any longer,″ she chuckled.

″Don't listen to your mommy, you hear me? She's just a typical woman,″ he laughed and tickled her stomach with his fingers.

″What is that supposed to mean?″

″Nothing,″ he said while turning his head around to her and grinned at her all innocent.

″You better don't listen to your daddy because he's a typical man,″ she then said and placed her hand on her stomach as well. ″Ha, you see, it agreed with me,″ she laughed when she felt another kick.

″Maybe it agreed with me though,″ Jay teased and changed his position so he was able to lie right next to her.

″You wish,″ she smirked while he wrapped his arm around her back and she curled closer to his side, his other hand still lying on the side of her stomach.

″Erin?″ he then asked and suddenly his voice sounded all serious.

″Huh?″

″I don't want to talk about our baby as 'it' anymore. I want to be able to say he or she.″

″Well, you can say he and I can say she or vice versa.″

″No, that's not what I mean and anyway, one of us would always be wrong then. I want to know the gender of our baby. I want to know whether this little peanut is a boy or a girl.″

″I thought we agreed that we want it to be a surprise?″ she frowned and looked up to him.

″We did. But with my accident...something changed...I don't know,″ he sighed and tried to find the right words to express his feelings. ″Before I got unconscious and thought that I'll maybe not make it...it somehow came to my mind that I'll maybe never know whether I have a son or a daughter...and that was really hard. I want to know the gender, Er, not only because I'm still curious but because it's somehow important for me. Do you even understand what I'm trying to say?″

″I do,″ she nodded and had to swallow the lump that has built up in her throat while he had told her what was going on inside of him. ″When this is important for you, then it's important for me, too and then we're simply going to find out,″ she said and gave him a little smile.

″Thank you,″ he smiled back, placing a kiss on her forehead.

″We don't have to call Dr. Hanson now and have to find out immediately, do we?″ she grinned.

″When is your next appointment?″

″In around two or three weeks I think.″

″Two or three weeks is okay. I can wait until then,″ he winked before they fell into a comfortable silence of just listening to the wind and watching the thunderbolts lightening up the dark sky.

″We need a nursery in here, what do you think?″ she asked into the silence and a wide grin appeared on Jay's face by her question.

″We do. We can use Will's and my old bedroom,″ he suggested.

″I think that would be perfect,″ she said and although Jay couldn't see her face he could tell from her voice that she was smiling. And he felt that this now was the right moment to go one step further.

″Talking about the nursery...″ he started. ″The lease of my apartment is up by the end of the year.″

″Do you want to renew it?″ she asked and got out of his embrace, sat up in front of him.

″Do you want me to renew it?″ he asked back, looking directly into her eyes to see her reaction, remembered her reaction the last time he had asked her to live in one place together.

It didn't take her long to think about her answer this time. Things have changed since May and she felt ready for this next step.

″No,″ she whispered and shook her head. ″We are going to be a family, we should start living like one, don't you think?″ she asked and her voice sounded shy.

″Erin, I don't want you to move in with me because you feel like we have to do it because of the baby. I want you to move in with me because you really want it and you think it's the right thing to do.″

″I want us to live together, Jay. Completely,″ she answered all serious. ″I mean, it's not like that so much will change,″ she added with a chuckle.

″Naah, not really,″ he nodded and the softest of smiles surrounded his lips.

″Making my place our place?″

″For starters, yes,″ he answered as he had decided to go even one step further.

″What does that mean?″

″I always dreamed of having a condo. Something modern, light-flooded, close to downtown and with a lakeview. But lately these dreams have changed. They are now about owning a house with a big garden so our son or daughter can play outside as much as possible. A house somewhere a little outside of the city in a nice neighborhood.″

″This is a nice dream,″ she admitted. ″But let's take one step after another, okay?″

″Of course,″ he answered and she lay down next to him again. He was used to give her time and he would give her the time she needed this time again because it seemed like this always played out pretty well.

″Jay?″

″Huh?″

″I really like this thought,″ she said and snuggled to him even closer, feeling so safe in his strong arms and having the feeling that this was the right thing to do. The next step, the next chapter in their life. Living together with him. Completely. She'd always thought that the idea of giving up her independence would scare her and some months ago this surely would've been the case, it had been in fact. But now it just simply felt right and she was even kind of excited about moving in with him together, having one apartment, one key, one bed, one life.

 _ **Who knew that I could be**_

 _ **So unexpectedly**_

 _ **Undeniably happier**_

 _ **Sitting with you right here, right here next to me**_

 _ **You're the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So when you were here I had no idea**_

 _ **You're the best thing I never knew I needed**_

 _ **So now it's so clear I need you here always**_

 _ **Now it's so clear, I need you here always**_

* * *

 **So this was lots of fluff again but I thought they deserve it and you guys deserve it, too! Please leave a review and tell me what you think :)**

 **About Mouse and Reese (from Med in case you don't watch it)...I know she has a boyfriend there but I somehow want to give Mouse a girlfriend (maybe) and I think these two would be quite cute together :D Not sure yet whether I'm going to make this happen though but what** **I can already tell you is that the next chapter will be full of Wisconsin-birthday-fluff ;)**


	22. Make A Wish

**Thank you all again for your feedback on the last chapter and I hope y'all enjoy this one! :)**

* * *

 **22\. Make A Wish**

Erin tiptoed through the second floor of the cabin on Saturday morning, carrying a cake with three candles and two enlightened sparklers on top in her hands and after passing the threshold of the bedroom she started to sing 'Happy Birthday'.

Jay's eyes fluttered open by the sound of her raspy voice. He blinked some times and had to grin like a Chesire Cat when he saw her standing in front of the bed in her pajamas, her hair being quite messy, carrying his birthday cake in her hands and singing just for him.

″Happy Birthday babe,″ she smiled after finishing to sing, placed the cake on the bedside table and leaned down to kiss him. Intense. Longing. Teasingly.

″Thank you,″ he murmured and kissed her back but then pulled back before they would get to a point of no return.

″Is this for me?″ he then asked, sat up and eyed the delicious looking chocolate cake that had the number 32 written on top.

″Nope, for the birds and mosquitoes, but maybe they'll share it with you,″ she smirked.

″Damn, and for a minute I felt special,″ he laughed. ″When did you buy it?″

″I didn't buy it, Halstead,″ she answered and punched him onto his shoulder. ″I got up four hours ago just to bake you a birthday cake,″ she grinned and for a moment, Jay was speechless. Erin, the woman who hated anything that had to do with baking or cooking or other housewifely stuff, has made a birthday cake just for him.

″Now I honestly feel special,″ he said with a grin on his face.

″You better,″ she smirked.

″Thank you for this,″ he whispered before his lips melted with hers again. And for a second time this morning he was so damn close to simply forget this damn rule. But this time it was Erin who pulled of.

″This is so not fair,″ he moaned.

″I know. I also wanted to give you a different kind of birthday present but a homemade cake instead isn't too bad, is it?″ she teased him.

″Regarding the circumstances that it's already been three weeks and it will be another three cake is not exactly what I want right now but I'll take it,″ he winked.

″So generous,″ she laughed. ″It's made with love though.″

″This makes up for it,″ he chuckled.

″It does. It's actually not only made with so much love and dedication but also with so much patience that I'm still surprised you didn't hear me cursing aloud,″ she laughed.

″Let me guess: it didn't work as planned?″ he asked and grinned at her all innocent. Of course he was right but there was no need for him to know that her first try had landed in the garbage can immediately. And even with the second try she had been on the brink of throwing the cake batter against the wall and had only abstained from it because she had come to the conclusion that cleaning up that mess would be even worse than baking this cake.

″Now that babe, you'll never get the pleasure to know,″ she winked. She took the plate with the cake again and brought it up in front of his face.

″Make a wish,″ she whispered and he closed his eyes and blew out the three candles.

″Done,″ he smirked afterwards and kissed her before she handed him a knife for cutting the cake so they were able to eat it some minutes later.

″This is one damn delicious cake,″ Jay said after taking the first two bites.

″I sense a surprised undertone in your voice...″ she grinned and slightly shook her head.

″Maybe I underestimated your skills in the kitchen,″ he winked.

″Maybe you did,″ she noticed, being a little proud of her 2.000-calorie-cake.

″But then again I remember how you almost burned down your apartment by making popcorn,″ Jay chuckled.

″Oh come on, this was a lifetime ago!″

″Never gets old though,″ he answered and smirked at her with the most innocent expression on his face. ″Or what did you do again when your microwave almost exploded?″

″You know Jay Halstead, I originally planned on giving you your birthday present in some minutes but maybe I should simply keep it until you deserve to get it,″ she answered all dry and raised her eyebrow while glaring at him.

″You wouldn't do that.″

″I would,″ she grinned.

″I thought this cake is my present, so there's more?″ he asked and the gaze on his face was slightly curious.

″Of course there is,″ she said. There was actually an even bigger surprise to come for him today but he didn't need to know about this already. ″I needed a backup plan in case things with this cake went wrong, you know?″ she joked and rolled over to the other side of the bed, opened the drawer of the bedside table and grabbed the small package.

″This is it,″ she said as she turned around again and showed him the package. ″Doesn't it look nice?″

″Guess it looks even better unwrapped,″ he grinned, eyeing the package that was wrapped in fancy paper.

″Yeah, you could be right about that,″ she laughed. ″Happy 32nd again,″ she whispered and placed a kiss on his lips before she handed him his present and then watched him unwrapping it.

His eyes widened in surprise when he saw the content of the little box.

″This is exactly the one I've always wanted,″ he said and uncased the sporty but elegant watch from the box.

″I know,″ Erin smirked, loving to see that her present had exactly the effect she had wanted it to have.

″How did you know that?″ he asked as he couldn't remember that he has ever mentioned something to her.

″When we were shopping some weeks ago you looked at the watches and I recognized how you looked especially at this one. You may have thought that I didn't pay attention because everything was a little tense between us on that day, but I did. Because you know, the details matter,″ she smiled, repeating the words he had told her some months ago.

″Thank you,″ he answered with a grateful sparkle in his eyes and then crashed her lips with yet another soft but passionate kiss.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

They spent the majority of his birthday out and about in the woods, strolled along Lake Lindsay where they later had a picnic and fully enjoyed their downtime and just having time for each other. They laid down on the blanket right next to each other, held each others hands, closed their eyes, let sun shine in their faces and just listened to the birds and the crickets around them. Especially after everything they've been through these last few weeks these little, perfect moments were all they needed right now. Being close to each other, having each other and showing each other how much they meant to them.

In the late afternoon, they returned to the cabin and for Erin it was about time to tell him that there was another present waiting for him without revealing too much of this surprise yet. She took a shower and then ordered him to also get a shower and she could see the curiosity in his face when he joined her in the bedroom after his shower, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist, while she was dressing herself.

″You tell me now where we're going?″ he asked while looking for underwear in his closet.

″No,″ she laughed and slipped into some black jeans.

″Pleeeeease,″ he pleaded, giving her a puppy-eyed glance that usually always worked while he tried not to look at her too much as she looked way too good for him to take it at the moment. The soft curls of her dirty blonde hair falling onto her shoulders, her hazel-green eyes sparkling at him. And that she was standing there in just her bra and jeans didn't help either.

″Be patient and wait and see,″ she grinned, walked to him and kissed him while she placed her hands on his sides, her thumb softly stroking over the pink scar on his stomach.

″Erin,″ he moaned quietly.

″I'm sorry, I didn't wanna hurt you,″ she apologized immediately.

″This damn scar is not what hurts when you touch me,″ he sighed and Erin looked down the towel and knew what he meant.

″This wasn't my intention, sorry,″ she said and walked some steps back.

″It's not your fault. It's just...damn can't we just simply forget about this order? It's not like that a little...scrabble...will kill me.″

″Uh-uh,″ she answered and shook her head. ″We're not taking any risks.″

″Three more weeks. Three. You might as well just kill me, it'll be less painful,″ he sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.

″Well, there's the bathroom, I'm sure you know other options to get rid of your...'problem' so you won't have to die,″ she answered all dry and put on a ruffled, tight white shirt that was quite long to cover her belly perfectly. ″But hey,″ she then added with a soft voice and gave him a compassionate glance, ″not being allowed to play scrabble with you is hard for me, too, believe me. And now get dressed, we don't have time forever.″

″Where do we go again?″ he asked casually while slipping into his polo shirt.

″Yeah Jay, nice try,″ she laughed.

″C'mon Er, it's my birthday.″

″Really? Why didn't you mention that earlier?″ she teased him.

″Now I did, so?″ he smirked innocently.

″Give it up babe,″ she winked and things even got worse when they sat down in the car some minutes later and she blindfolded him with a scarf. Jay got more curious than he already was and during the duration of their drive he asked her several times where they were heading to but she didn't reveal her secret and had instead too much fun teasing him all the time and letting him be in the dark.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

″Alright, give me your hand,″ she said after they had reached their destination and she had opened the passenger's door to help him getting out of the car. She then guided him towards the place where the surprise was waiting for him, made sure that he wouldn't run into the next tree and told him where he had to watch his steps while she tried her best not to laugh about him because he looked so cute being all disoriented.

″Okay, you can stop now,″ she whispered into his ear from behind.

″Where are we?″ he asked again.

″Be patient,″ she chuckled and untied the scarf from his eyes.

In the moment he opened his eyes, a bunch of people screamed ″Happy Birthday″ and he needed a moment until his vision was clear enough but then he couldn't believe what he was seeing, or better who he was seeing. Will, Michael, Susan, Nick and his wife and their son, Izzie and her boyfriend, all of them standing there in the garden of Michael's and Susan's cabin, smiling and grinning at him. All being there just for him.

″No way,″ he said all smiles and slightly shook his head as he needed a moment to find his words again. ″What are you all doing here?″ he asked and walked towards his family members, a wave of happiness, thankfulness and excitement going through his body. This was something he never has expected.

″We heard it's someone's birthday today,″ Susan said and hugged her nephew who was still more than just perplex.

″But how?″ he asked as he was now hugged by his uncle.

″Don't ask me,″ he laughed and held his hands up in defence. ″For the string-pullers you have to look to your left and to my right. And I think this ginger there also had something to do with it,″ he said and pointed from Erin to Susan to Will.

Jay looked at Erin for literally one second but it was enough for her to see how endlessly grateful and moved he was. She only gave him a fond smile and a little twinkle and then softly pushed him towards his cousins while she hugged his aunt and uncle and exchanged a few words with them, giving Jay all the time to say hello to his cousins he hasn't seen for years.

″You're looking good Jay,″ Izzie said while she hugged him.

″You too,″ he grinned at the strawberry blonde woman he has always had a special bond with, and then got introduced to her Australian boyfriend Paul.

″Good to see you again,″ Nick said who was the next to hug and congratulate him.

″Damn good,″ Jay nodded and gave his cousin a pat on the back.

″This is Lydia and this little man here is Mylo,″ Nick introduced his wife and his son.

″Hi Lydia, nice to meet you,″ he said and hugged the blonde woman. ″And nice to meet you Mylo,″ he smiled and stroked the little boy's fist but he only got a skeptical glance from him. ″How old is he?″

″Eight months. How far along is she?″ she asked and glanced to Erin who still chatted with Michael and Susan.

″Uhm...somewhere in between 21 and 22 weeks if I remember correct,″ he grinned.

″The wait is just as fun,″ Lydia laughed. ″Boy or girl?″

″We don't know yet,″ Jay winked.

″Hey little bro, keep the baby-talk for later and let me hug you already,″ Will interrupted them.

″Sorry,″ Jay winked.

″Happy Birthday favorite brother. May the new year of your life be filled with endless joy...and as less sleepless nights as possible,″ he laughed while embracing him and gave him a pat on the back.

″Thanks man,″ he laughed and glanced around for a second. ″How did you guys organize all this?″

″Don't ask me, these two were the partners in crime,″ he said and pointed to Susan and Erin, who now said hello to their cousins. ″Erin only asked me some weeks ago whether I can take the weekend off.″

″I can't believe this,″ he said quietly and slightly shook his head with the softest of smiles surrounding his lips, just feeling endlessly blessed.

Some moments later, Erin joined him and he immediately wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

″I don't know how to thank you for this,″ he murmured into her ear and then placed a soft kiss on her temple.

″So Jay,″ Susan said and everybody got quiet to listen to her little speech. ″The reason we're all here today is because we want to celebrate your 32nd birthday with you. But that's not the only reason because we also want to celebrate your 2nd birthday with you. Some weeks ago I wanted to call you and tell you that Nick and his family and Izzie and Paul will come to New York and I wanted to ask you whether we could maybe organize a little reunion there just as we had discussed it some months ago. But instead of you, your wonderful girlfriend answered your phone and told me that you're having a MRI at the moment because you've had a horrible accident. Thank God you were already in the phase of recovery back then. So Erin told me everything about what had happened and I told her about my original plan of bringing this family closer together again and she had the idea of organizing a surprise birthday party for you. Here in Wisconsin, at the place you love so much with the people who mean a lot to you. Your family. And here we are, celebrating your life because we all love you and we're all happy and thankful that you're here with us today. I know things haven't been the best for a while and I'm still sorry for all the things we've done and that's why I'm even happier that this family is kinda reunited again. You and Will, too of course, were always like sons for us, like brothers for Izzie and Nick and Myles and you still are, regardless the things that had happened in between,″ she said and had to take a deep breath, tears welling in the corners of her eyes.

″And then, when I saw Erin walking into this garden earlier I realized that we even have a third reason to celebrate today, so once again, happy birthday Jay. You only deserve the best,″ she said and walked towards him, hugged him again and placed a short kiss on his cheek.

″Your mom would be so happy for you, I know it,″ she whispered so only he was able to hear it.

Jay gave her a soft smile and nodded but at the same time his heart ached that their family wasn't complete anymore, that his mother wasn't here to celebrate this day with them and to be a part of all the exciting days to come, that she would never be a grandmother, that their child would never meet one of the greatest women he's ever known. He pushed this thought away and swallowed his emotions down as he had the feeling that it was now on him to say something.

″Uhm...well, I'm still a little overwhelmed and speechless to be honest and I can't tell in words how much this means to me. That you're all here today. That this family is all back together again. I've missed this. A lot. So...uhm...thank you all for coming and for organizing. This is the best surprise ever, well besides finding out I'm going to be a father″ he said with the brightest grin on his face and as Erin looked up to him, she saw how his eyes got a little glassy. She knew how much his family meant to him, that's why she immediately has had this idea to surprise him as she has known that this would be the most perfect birthday present for him. That it would forever be a birthday to remember.

″C'mon Jay, before you start to cry here, let's get this bonfire started,″ Nick joked and pointed to the fireplace.

″Nick!″ Izzie called and boxed her ellbow into her brother's side.

″Oh well, some things never change,″ Will laughed.

″Nope, they don't,″ Nick laughed, too, along with everyone else. Just Erin didn't know what they were talking about but she was sure she would find out soon.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

While the men took care of the bonfire and the grill, the women went into the house and prepared some side dishes in the kitchen and also marinaded the meat.

″So Erin, tell me about this,″ Susan smiled and pointed to her slightly swollen stomach. ″This was a nice surprise when I saw you.″

″Well, we got quite surprised by it, too,″ Erin answered.

″Oh, then it wasn't planned I guess?″ she laughed.

″Not exactly. Lots of coincidences came together when this happened,″ she sighed and placed her hand on her stomach for a second.

″How far along are you?″ Susan asked, gently rocking her grandson who seemed to get a little grumpy.

″21 weeks.″

″I honestly ask myself why I looked like a balloon at 21 weeks with this little monkey,″ Lydia sighed with a laughter and glanced at her baby.

″Because little Mylo was literally the biggest baby ever, right?″ Susan laughed and tickled the baby's stomach.

″So 21 weeks means you and Jay already know the gender?″ she then asked Erin.

″We don't,″ she said and shook her head. ″Our doctor knows but we didn't want to know yet but eventually we're going to find out at my next appointment.″

″From the way you're carrying I already have a suspicion,″ Susan winked.

″From the way I'm carrying?″ Erin echoed and furrowed a brow.

″Yeah. I went through this three times and over the years I became pretty good in seeing it and then guessing it right. But no worries, I won't tell you what I think.″

″I honestly still don't want to know anyway. I don't care about the gender, all that matters for both of us is that the baby is healthy. But after his accident something changed for Jay, and now it's important for him and so it's for me, too,″ she smiled and just after she had finished her sentence Mylo started to cry loudly which made Erin remember that her life would look like this soon, that this was her future, but she pushed this thought away immediately.

″Well, I guess someone needs to sleep,″ Lydia sighed, taking him from Susan into her arms.

″Let me give you a hand with putting him to bed,″ Susan said and the two women walked upstairs, leaving Izzie and Erin alone.

Erin wasn't really unhappy that their conversation about her pregnancy had such a sudden end. She wasn't used to talk about it so much and although she was at a point where she has accepted it and even occasionally enjoyed it she wasn't exactly eager to talk about it.

″It's only the fourth time she sees him, so she's clearly all crazy about him,″ Izzie laughed. ″And she's all crazy about babies in general, I'm sorry for that.″

″No worries, I think it's cute though,″ Erin grinned.

″It is. She loves to be a grandmother, so it's hard for her that her only grandchild lives half across the country. Well and then there's me who lives half across the world.″

″So you're just here for a visit?″ Erin asked and scanned Izzie for a moment. She seemed to be younger than her, maybe around 27. While her brother Nick had dark hair and dark eyes, she seemed to come more after her father with her fair hair and green eyes, quite similar to Jay's piercing blue ones.

″Yes we are. I met Paul four years ago but he's never been to the US with me until yet because this type of trip is quite hard to afford as students. So we've been to New York and now we're here and then we'll probably drive to Chicago and then down to Texas to stay a couple of days with Nick and Lydia at their farm before we'll make a little road trip from there to San Francisco. And from there we'll fly home to Sydney to finally start earning some real money,″ she laughed.

″Sounds pretty much amazing. What did you study?″

″Criminal law,″ Izzie winked.

″Really?″

″Yep. I say this confidently that it's a lot of work.″

″Yeah, I believe so,″ Erin laughed. ″May I ask which side are you on?″

″Prosecution.″

″Good choice.″

″I hope so,″ Izzie laughed. ″You're a detective, too, right? Just like Jay?″

″I am. Jay and I both work in the Intelligence Unit,″ Erin nodded.

″So that means you guys are doing the tough and dangerous stuff?″

″Most days, yeah. But no matter how tough it is sometimes, I wouldn't change it for anything,″ she answered.

″Best thing is to have a job you love,″ Izzie nodded.

″It is,″ Erin agreed. She didn't know why but she like the younger woman and it seemed like the same applied for Izzie. There was an immediate sympathy between them and Erin figured she could ask her one thing she was quite curious about.

″Can I ask you something?″

″Sure,″ Izzie smiled.

″I'm just curious...what did you all mean when you said that some things never change?″

″You mean in the garden earlier?″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded.

″Long story but well, I think we have time,″ she laughed and eyed all the vegetables they still had to cut into smaller pieces.

″So...I'm the youngest in this family what means I was born into a family full of boys, so this was quite hard sometimes. Myles and Nick were wild kids and Will was, too. But Jay, he's always been different. So calm and sensitive and thoughtful and just simply the sweetest kid. My mom once told me that every time we met and I was still a baby or a toddler, Jay took care of me. And when we got older and spent our vacations here with our grandfather he always protected me from the other three. He read me stories when I was too young to read myself, he teached me to calculate when I was five and even when we got older he Chose to play with me than with his cousins and his brother. Of course we all played cops and robbers and Uno and Jenga and whatever else together, too, but sometimes Jay and I didn't want to run through the woods all day and preferred to spend the day at our treehouse and the little creek. Then we took Carly with us and talked all day, played games or drew the landscape or caught frogs in the creek. Sometimes we went fishing with our grandfather or we took our bikes and visited Bill and spent the day at his farm, helping wherever help was needed and were allowed to ride a little in return. I think Jay and I have quite similar personalities and that's why we always had a special bond although we didn't see each other that often. He defended me in front of the others and vice versa. Until I was born it must've been quite hard for him sometimes being the only calm kid against the three wild, impulsive kids,″ she said with a chuckle before she continued.

″And well, don't get me wrong, I love my brothers more than anything but Jay has always been that kind of brother every girl wishes to have. Protecting, caring, defending, loving and most of all, always listening. I don't think he changed so much, did he?″ she grinned at Erin.

″Naah, not at all,″ she smiled fondly because Jay was still the exact same guy.

″Everything else would've surprised me.″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded as another thing came to her mind. ″Who is Carly?″

″Carly was our grandfather's golden retriever, the cutest dog ever. We all loved her. Spending our summers here in Wisconsin was the best part of our childhood,″ Izzie smiled.

″Yeah, Jay said that, too.″

″And then, with Myles's death, everything changed,″ she sighed. ″We all did things we're not proud of.″

″When we grieve we forget everything around us and therefore make wrong decisions, hurt other people because we don't care.″

″Yeah I know. But it wasn't fair. Jay has always been like a brother for me, I always called him my third brother. He has always been like a son for my parents. But when he made it home from war and Myles didn't everything changed and our relationships broke into pieces. Suddenly all my parents cared about was that their son had died, not that their nephew had survived. And the same applied for me. In the beginning I couldn't be happy about his safe return. I had lost my real brother, the one that was with me almost every day of my life until I turned 19. And then Nick got into drugs because Myles wasn't only his brother but also his best friend, and all the time I just asked myself why. Why Myles? Why us? Why did this have to happen to our family? I then quickly decided I needed distance from all this drama and ran away. It wasn't the right thing to leave them alone with everything but I couldn't take my parents's grief and Nick's addiction anymore. While my parents's feelings for Jay didn't change for years, I wanted to talk to him before I left for Australia because I needed to. It wasn't the same anymore but at least we exchanged some words before I left and I was able to tell him that Myles's death wasn't his fault. We didn't have contact in years then anyway but I guess in this case time did heal all wounds because today...damn this is the family I grew up in, the family I used to know.″

″I'm really happy that you and Jay and everyone else have their family back. I know it means a lot for Jay and I guess it just means as much for you and for all the others,″ Erin answered.

″It does. But hey, you are a part of this family, too and I really like that,″ Izzie grinned and Erin felt how her cheeks blushed a little. In this moment she realized that she was definitely part of a real family again and it made her heart pound and warm. It was something she never knew how much she actually wished and yearned for deep inside.

″Me too,″ Erin smiled back at the younger woman. ″So if you and Paul come to Chicago we could maybe hang out together and show you the city or something. In case Jay and I have time. But chances are good because we're both working the desk at the moment,″ she laughed.

″I'd love that! And in case you and Jay ever want to come to Sydney, we're there,″ Izzie winked.

″Good to know,″ Erin grinned. ″Then tell me more about Sydney.″

″Oh it's beautiful...″ Izzie answered and started to tell Erin everything about the place she called home before they were joined by Susan and Lydia again some minutes later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Meanwhile, the men stood around the fireplace outside in the garden and got that bonfire going, each of them carrying a bottle of beer in their hands.

″This brings back so many memories,″ Jay said pensively.

″It does,″ Nick nodded. ″So to the memories,″ he said and raised his bottle.

″And to Jay,″ Paul said and also raised his bottle.

″And to all the people we miss dearly today,″ Jay added before they all clinked their bottles and took some long sips.

″When we came back here yesterday Will and I remembered the treehouse-story. God, we were some insane kids,″ Nick laughed after some moments of silence.

″Treehouse-story?″ Jay frowned.

″Don't tell me you forgot this?″

″Maybe he suppressed it, Nick,″ Will chimed in with a laughter.

″Seems like,″ Nick grinned. ″You don't remember how you and Izzie were trapped in your treehouse because Will and Myles and I had stolen the ladder?″

″And how you could've simply jumped down to the ground but Izzie was too small and you didn't want to leave her alone up there?″ Will added.

″Oh, now rings a bell, yeah,″ Jay said and slightly shook his head by these memories. ″Grandpa somewhen found us in the evening.″

″Yeah, he got worried because the two of you didn't show up for dinner and he immediately knew that we had something to do with it. We had to tell him because he threatened that we'll never be allowed to spend our vacation here again if we don't.″

″And later that night we got the biggest telling-off of our lives,″ Nick laughed.

″Hell yes,″ Will agreed.

″You never told me about that though,″ Jay grinned.

″You didn't need to know about this,″ Nick winked.

″But now I remember, you guys had to clean the whole cabin afterwards, right? And you had to weed the garden as well?″

″Yep,″ Nick nodded. ″Grandpa always had the most effective methods bring us back down to earth after running a little out of control,″ he laughed and looked up to the sky.

″To grandpa,″ Jay said, also looked up to the sky and raised his bottle.

″To grandpa,″ Will echoed. ″If he was here with us today he would facepalm and ask us whether we never paid attention when he explained us how to make a bonfire.″

″He would for sure,″ Nick grinned and they all took some sips of their beers.

″Let's make this a real bonfire then, one he would be proud of,″ Jay said afterwards and placed his bottle down in the grass to grab more wood.

Some time passed before they were joined by Erin who brought them the marinaded steaks so that they could finally put them on the grill.

″Looking good guys,″ she said and eyed the imposing bonfire at the end of the garden, quite close to the lake.

″I hope you meant us and not that bonfire,″ Nick winked.

″Of course, what do you think?″ Erin laughed.

″Good answer,″ Michael grinned.

″I know,″ she nodded and then turned her head around to Jay only to see how he was staring at her. God, he loved this girl and seeing her joking around with his family made him feel even more moved and blessed and in love with her, the woman he would have his own little family with soon. The woman who was the greatest gift he has ever received.

″Can we finally put the steaks on the grill though?″ Jay asked Erin, interrupting his own thoughts.

″No, I just brought them that you all can stare at them, maybe your glances can cook them, too,″ she sassed.

″This one goes to Erin,″ Will laughed.

″Stupid questions get stupid answers,″ she grinned and twinkled at Jay.

″Shut up,″ he murmured and gave her quite a passionate kiss given the fact all of the others watched them, before she handed the plate with the steaks to Michael and then walked into the house again to help finishing the salads.

Jay watched her as she disappeared in the house and then turned around to the rest of the gang again, grinning from ear to ear and slightly shaking his head at the same time.

″What's up bro?″ Will asked.

″Sometimes I just can't believe she's real and right now I still can't believe she did this for me,″ he said, grabbed his beer and took a gulp.

″You found yourself a diamond,″ Nick said and gave Jay a pat on the back.

″I did indeed,″ Jay nodded and clinked his bottle with the one of his cousin.

″When will you put a ring on it?″

″Someday,″ Jay only answered.

″What is someday supposed to mean?″ Nick dug deeper.

″Someday means someday,″ he smirked and with his answer it was clear that he didn't want to give them any further details. Simply because there weren't any further details. All he knew was that he would ask her someday. When the time was right, when the moment was right, when she was ready for this next step he knew she wasn't ready for yet.

 **XxXxXxXxXxX**

Later, they all sat around the big table on the patio and ate the delicious steaks, all the various salads and the grilled vegetables. When the darkness started to close in aroud them and it got a little chilly, they sat down around the bonfire, made campfire twist bread for snacks and shared a lot more stories from their childhood but also from the last few years. Stories about their jobs, about Australia or about living on a farm. Shortly before midnight, Susan brought a giant birthday cake with 32 candles and for the second time that day Jay was allowed to make a wish before blowing out all of the candles with the first attempt, getting massive cheers and applause from the others.

The whole Halstead-Taylor family sat in the garden until the early morning hours, completely forgetting time while eating cake, drinking beer and sharing stories over stories, memories over memories. When they had to say goodbye it was hard for all them, not knowing when they would see each other again but what they knew for sure was that they definitely would see each other again. Hopefully not only in some years. And for the time in between they would surely stay in contact with one another.

Erin and Jay finally laid in their bed back at his cabin when the sun almost started to rise again outside, snuggled up to each other, recalling all the happenings of the day.

″I can't thank you enough for all of this, Er,″ he mumbled into her hair. ″This means the world to me and this was the best birthday in years, maybe the best ever,″ he added and kissed her head.

But Erin didn't answer anything and when he looked down into her face he had to grin because she was already peacefully asleep. He would tell her again, thank her again. For the rest of his life as she had a lot to do with this family being reunited again.

Make a wish, they had all said to him earlier but yet something he wished for when Erin had brought him his cake and had told him to make a wish almost 24 hours ago has already come true. And maybe he was lucky and all the other things he's wished for would come true, too...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and sticking with me! Reviews are appreciated, as always :)**


	23. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

**Thanks again for your feedback! :) This one turned out longer than I wanted it to be, sorry for that. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway :)**

* * *

 **23\. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word**

Erin has been sitting in her car in front of Hank's house for almost an hour already. It had suited her pretty well that a thunderstorm with heavy rainfall had approached and she had to remain in the car. But although it was only slightly raining now, she preferred to stay in the car, staring out of the window and concentrating on the rain drops falling on her front window and then watching them sliding down and melting with other rain drops.

Spending the past weekend in Wisconsin with Jay's family had made her realize how much she missed Hank, the man who had immensely helped her to become the person she was today. The man who had saved her life. The man who was her father and whose heart and trust she's broken eight weeks ago.

Today in the bullpen, when they had once again only talked the most necessary she had again realized how deep that wound was and that it was about time to make a step into his direction. To apologize for the things she's done, for hurting him, for not telling him the truth, for behaving the way she had.

She's had this upcoming conversation in her head several times throughout the day and the days prior as well but now, as she sat in her car and listened to the rain pouring on the roof, she didn't know what she really wanted to tell him, what she should tell him, how she should even apologize.

What she knew was that he had every right to decline her apology but yet she was scared that he'd do exactly that. This was what still kept her in the car and made her think whether leaving was maybe the better option. Maybe he would never forgive her, maybe things would forever stay the way they were now, tense and icy.

Her mind kept on to revolve about this for a little while longer and at some point she started the engine of her car but didn't pull out on the street and then turned it off again. Running away wasn't the right thing to do. She had done this way too often in her life already. To put her original plan into action was the right thing to do. She needed to face him and no matter how he would react, he deserved to get an apology at least. That was also what Jay had told her earlier when she had told him about her idea of visiting Hank: that she should face him and talk things out and not run away from this conversation that really needed to be made by now.

Erin sighed, took a deep breath of air and then looked to the other side of the street, to the house that once had been her home and the Escalade which parked right in front. She took another deep breath before she unbuckled her seatbelt, opened the door of her car and stepped out in the rain. This gray and ugly weather suited her current feelings perfectly she recognized as she made her way to the front entrance. She felt as nervous as if she was about to take an important exam when she knocked on his door, felt her heart pounding in her chest and for a second she thought about running away again but she forced herself to stay.

She stared down to the floor, read the word 'welome' on the doormat and thought about that she was maybe not really welcome here anymore, when the massive front door swung open. Erin liftet her head and she felt how a lump built in her throat only from meeting his gaze. He looked surprised but not too excited about her visit.

″Hey,″ she said raspily and cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder. ″Uhm...can we talk?″

″What do you wanna talk about?″ he asked. Obviously he wasn't exactly eager to have any kind of conversation with her and this was one of the possible reactions she has feared.

″I think we both know, don't we?″she shrugged, standing up to his piercing glance.

″Hm,″ he only mumbled.

″I'm not leaving here until you at least listen to what I have to say,″ Erin answered with a loud and clear voice and scanned him for his reaction.

Hank scanned her, too, saw the glimmer of stubbornness in her face that she always had when she was determined to do something. It was an attitude he's actually always liked about her.

″You wanna come in?″ he then asked her. It was something Erin hasn't expected. She's been sure that she'd had to tell him in the doorway as he didn't want her to come in.

″Uhm...yeah,″ she nodded and followed Hank through the hall into the all too familar living room that hasn't really changed in years.

″Do you want anything to drink?″ he asked her but she just shook her head in response. All she wanted to do was apologizing and maybe getting one step closer back to the relationship they used to have.

″Hank,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath. She glanced around in his living room, tried to find a point she could stare at and then lowered her head and concentrated on her shoes. But once again she didn't know what to tell him, words failed her. Why was it so hard to simply say sorry? To tell him all the things that were on her mind and had even kept her from sleeping the previous three nights since they've returned from Wisconsin.

″Erin?″ His voice interrupted her thoughts and she lifted her head and looked at him, saw how he furrowed a brow. He was waiting. And he would surely kick her out of his house again if she wasn't saying anything soon. She inhaled deeply again and chose her words advisedly.

″The way things have passed off on that day...you know...I'm sorry for that. I didn't make the smartest decisions...regarding everything...and you deserved to know about it in a different way. It was never my intention to hurt you but I know that's exactly what I did. And I'm also sorry for that,″ she said and was even able to look at him all the time but towards the end her voice got lower and lower.

″Mhm,″ Hank only nodded and for a moment it didn't seem like as if he wanted to say anything else but then he asked her the one question she didn't know how to answer.

″You know, I'm still trying to figure out why you didn't tell me, Erin, but the only answer I can find is that you were afraid for whatever reasons. So maybe you tell me now? And I don't wanna hear that thing with not being ready for desk duty again because we both know that wasn't the only reason,″ he said and his voice was rising a little.

″But it was a reason,″ she answered before her words turned into a stammer. ″The other thing was...I didn't want to disappoint you I guess...you did so much for me...that I'm able to do this job I love so much and I had the feeling I'm throwing it all away with the pregnancy...I had the feeling to disappoint you...and in addition I was disappointed about myself. That I had let this happen, that I got pregnant accidentally. I knew you wouldn't be a fan of this, too, and I think I just couldn't handle this combined disappointment. I didn't want to get pregnant, that for sure wasn't a goal in my life and I was overstrained with everything. I still am sometimes,″ she admitted. ″I know that's what you are anyway now. Disappointed, mad, hurt, whatever,″ she then added with a voice that was a whisper.

″I am, Erin. All of that. But am I disappointed because you got pregnant?″ he asked rhetorically. ″No. I'm maybe disappointed that you and Halstead were obviously a bit careless when it came to birth control because I thought you are responsible enough to not get pregnant by accident. And I'm extremely disappointed that you were afraid to tell me. That is what is hard for me to accept. I'm hurt you couldn't come to me about this. And am I mad because I think you're throwing your life away? No. I might not be a fan of this because I think it's not the right time for you to have a baby, it's too early and too rushed. But it's not my life, Erin, it's yours. So it's none of my business. The decisions you made, like the one that you decided to keep the baby and that you obviously rather want to be a housewife than a cop, are none of my business. But what is my business is that I'm your boss, Erin and that it was your duty to tell me because I'm respsonsible for all of you, you and your baby. The way you dealt with your pregnancy in the beginning, first deciding to have this baby and then refusing to give up the dangerous part of your job for the safety of exactly this baby, was the main reason why I was mad, Erin. I never thought that you would act like that, so selfish and childish, and that's what I'm most disappointed about. Either you're in or you're not but you can't choose fifty fifty when it comes to pregnancy.″

″I know,″ Erin only nodded, trying to let all of his words sink in. She could hear in his voice that he was still hurt and his words made her realize that he was still anything but excited about the pregnancy in general.

″The question is: are you in now?″ Hank asked her, raising his eyebrows while gazing at her.

″I'm working on it,″ she shrugged. She couldn't say yes because that would be a lie, so this was the most honest answer. She tried her best to come to terms with her pregnancy, even enjoyed all the intimate moments, that her pregnancy brought, like when Jay had his hand on her stomach to feel their baby move or when he talked with it. But yet she still feared the future too much as that she could say she was all in.

″Hm,″ he only mumbled in response and they stood there in an awkward silence for a moment.

″Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry...for everything...I really am.″

″Mhm,″ he nodded. ″I accept your apology, Erin and I appreciate that you came here as I know how hard it is to say sorry. I maybe even understand your reasons a little better now. But you can't expect that this will change things immediately.″

″I don't. I just wanted you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you. As you said, I was scared about telling you for the mentioned reasons. I was actually scared about everything in the beginning and I didn't really care about the baby as well,″ she admitted and Hank was honestly surprised how open she was towards him, especially after only exchanging the most necessary words for weeks.

″Do you care now? Especially since you told me some weeks ago in the hospital that you don't.″

″I didn't mean it like this back then,″ she mumbled, feeling pretty uncomfortable that he's brought up this conversation again. ″I was not myself that day, I don't even think I was part of this world...somehow. But I was just so scared to lose Jay, to be alone with our baby that all I cared about was him. All day long I had these possible what-if-scenarios in my head and all of this was too much for me to handle. So yeah, maybe I tried to ignore my pregnancy that day, not because I didn't care about the baby but because with being so feared to lose Jay I couldn't care about it somehow.″

″Hm,″ Hank only nodded once again. ″What about now?″

″How can you not care about someone who steals your attention by kicking you and doing somersaults almost 24/7?″ she asked back and even had to laugh a little.

″24/7?″ Hank echoed but a small smile formed on his lips for the first time since she has arrived as he glanced at her round stomach.

″Maybe a little less,″ she grinned. ″But still, it's crazy how strong it already is.″

″Is it kicking right now?″

″Nope, sleeping. Was kicking all day in the bullpen. Guess it is bored from desk duty and hates it as much as I do,″ she sighed and the smile on her face kinda faded again.

″Maybe it's a sign of joy though,″ he answered and thought whether he should also ask her about her fears, whether they have also faded a little within the last few weeks. But actually he knew that she was still scared and all insecure. And although he still cared about her and was thankful that she has come to talk things out, this kind of conversation maybe was a bit too much and too personal for both of them yet. At least for him.

″Who knows,″ she shrugged and sensed that it was better to end this conversation at this point. She was happy how things have turned out so far, it was better than she had expected, and it was one big step into the right direction although she knew they were still far away from where they have been as well as she knew that Hank still wasn't a fan of her pregnancy. But he had to accept it just as she had to. They couldn't undo it anymore now and she had to admit, although she still didn't like to imagine her life as a mother, she would miss something if she wouldn't feel the many kicks and the movement of her baby every day.

″Uhm, I think I gotta go then. Jay's making dinner and I don't wanna let him wait for too long,″ she said as Hank obviously didn't know what to say, how to continue their conversation, as well.

″Halstead can cook?″ Hank asked and his voice sounded honestly surprised.

″Yeah. He's a pretty good cook actually. Better than I am.″

″Not sure whether this is a convincing argument to prove that he's a good cook, because being better in the kitchen than you are is not that difficult,″ he smirked.

″Thanks for the compliment,″ Erin said and gave him a faint smile. ″See you tomorrow then.″

″Yeah, see you tomorrow,″ Hank said before Erin walked out of his house and left him alone.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A week passed, including a weekend with Izzie and Paul where Erin and Jay officiated as tourist guides and showed them their city, and things between Hank and Erin started to change for the better in the bullpen as well. They were able to have normal conversations again without exchanging icy glances and this was a progress. Erin had of course told Jay about her conversation with Hank and he was happy that they were on a good way to work things out. He knew she needed him and not having the father-daughter relationship anymore that they used to have was harder for her than she wanted to admit.

While Erin seemed to be in a more or less good mood when she was in the bullpen together with Jay and Mouse or the rest of the unit, she tended to be quite moody whenever her and Jay were at home. She didn't talk too much, snapped at him quite often but he tried his best to ignore it. Maybe her bad mood had to do with the fact that she didn't sleep so well for some days already. Every night she was turning from one side to the other all the time and only settled somewhen in the early morning hours. Pregnancy insomnia, that's what Jay assumed it was. He had read about it on an internet page for fathers-to-be. In addition, she always complained that their baby was most active when she wanted to sleep and therefore prevented her from getting the rest she needed.

″Er, you should try to sleep,″ Jay mumbled into his pillow after she had turned around and sighed for the last thirty minutes.

″Yeah because I'm not trying it for three hours already,″ she snapped.

″I know I told you that before but it really doesn't help when you change your position every five seconds.″

″You got a problem with that, you know where the couch is, right?″ she said and her voice was still rising while she turned away from him again.

Jay sighed, turned the bedside lamp on, got out of the bed, grabbed his pillow and his blanket and made his way to the living room.

″What do you do?″ Erin asked and as he turned around to her again he saw how she looked at him, furrowing a brow.

″Taking the option with the couch,″ he shrugged.

″I didn't mean that,″ she said, biting her lower lip.

″Didn't sound like that though,″ Jay answered and left her alone. He didn't want to have a discussion or a fight in the middle of the night. She was moody and tired and he was tired too, so this wouldn't end too well.

Jay had just put his pillow and his blanket onto the couch and has been lying down for a minute when he heard Erin's bare feet plodding into the living room.

″Jay I'm sorry,″ she said quietly into the darkness and then turned the light on. ″For snapping at you in the middle of the night,″ she added as he didn't say anything.

Jay scanned her how she was standing there in his blackhawks-shirt that couldn't hide her round stomach anymore. Which he assumed was the reason for her current behavior.

″You know, when we were in Wisconsin one and a half weeks ago everything was so damn perfect. What did change since then, Er? What's going on?″

″I can't sleep, that's going on. No matter how hard I try and no matter how tired I am,″ she said and her voice was harsher than she's wanted it to be. ″And then, when I'm finally almost asleep little troublemaker wakes up and kicks me all the time. When I lay on my right sight, it kicks me in my right side until I turn around just to kick me in my left side then.″

Jay, who was still glancing at her, had to grin a little by her words. While he loved to feel their baby kick it was obviously a little uncomfortable for at the moment throughout the night.

″Is it awake right now?″ he asked and sat up, made room for her on the couch but she didn't join him yet.

″Yep. Pretty sure it just made two somersaults in a row followed by a backflip,″ she nodded.

″Well, that's awesome,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, totally,″ she said with a sarcastic undertone in her voice.

″Glad we agree on that,″ Jay answered casually but at least a faint smile rushed over Erin's face. ″Come here already,″ he then said softly, pointing to the place right next to him.

Erin hesitated for a moment but then took the few steps and lay down on the couch, her head resting on Jay's lap. He brushed some strands out of her face and then softly tickled her head and her neck while his other hand travelled down to her stomach and found its well-known spot, immediately feeling some little kicks against his hand.

Erin looked up into his face, saw how that bright smile appeared on it again and no matter how bugged she was from her pregnancy at the moment, just for seeing him like this it was all worth it.

″I think now I know what you mean,″ he grinned.

″Told you it's crazy tonight. He or she definitely has too much energy.″

″Mhm,″ Jay nodded. He or she, the big reveal was only a little more than week away. Then they would know whether their baby was a boy or a girl.

They fell into a comfortable silence for some moments and Erin closed her eyes while she enjoyed how his fingers still tickled her neck, suddenly feeling unbelievably tired again and also recognizing how the baby got calmer, the movement got less, the kicks slowly faded.

″Guess you calmed it down,″ she mumbled into the silence.

″Maybe it's relaxed now because you're relaxed now, Er,″ he answered, his hand still gently stroking her stomach.

″Or maybe not,″ Erin sighed as both of them felt another kick of the strong category.

″Someone cheered to soon, huh?″ he chuckled.

″Looks like,″ she nodded, her eyes still being closed.

″Er? Your bad mood doesn't only come from the fact that you can't sleep at the moment, right? What else is going on?″

″You mean what's going on despite the fact that none of my clothes fit me anymore, I'm tired all day, I'm hungry all day and I don't know how I shall survive this deadly boring desk duty for even one day longer, let alone four months?″ she asked as her eyes fluttered open and she didn't even try to hide the complaint in her voice.

″Yep,″ Jay simply answered. ″Despite all that.″

″Nothing. That's enough going on already, don't you think?″ she asked in response and hoped that her question would hide her lie. Of course he was right, just as he was most times, but he was so happy at the moment, so excited to become a father, he didn't need to know that all the kicks just had made her realize again how close she was to become a mother, how soon the independent life she used to know and love would end. How soon her life would change forever. And how much all of this still scared her, how she pushed her fears away every single day but always got reminded to it when she felt her baby moving. How much she still couldn't imagine and still feared a life with a baby, as a mother, being responsible for someone else than herself, that little, tiny, helpless, wispy person that was half her and half Jay. During the last weeks she's always been able to push all of these thoughts more or less away and not let them have so much influence on her but within the last week this somehow has changed.

In addition, something else had happened two days ago that her mind couldn't stop thinking about but yet she was unsure whether she should tell him about it or whether it was better to keep this for herself.

″Yeah, it's a lot,″ Jay only answered as he assumed that there was more going on. But he would wait until she was ready to share her thoughts and fears and whatever else with him. When she didn't want to talk about it he couldn't force her anyway, so it was better to give her the time she needed just like he always did.

Jay kept on tickling her neck and stroking her stomach in silence and when he looked down to her again, she was peacefully sleeping. He carefully picked her up and carried her to the bedroom although he knew he wasn't allowed to do that yet. But right now he couldn't care less as it was more important that Erin would finally get some urgent needed sleep. He laid her down on her side of the bed, covered her with a blanket, placed a soft kiss on her forehead and then walked around the bed to turn the bedside lamp off and laid down himself, falling asleep within seconds.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following morning, Erin sat on the edge of her bed, already wearing her clothes for work, and stared at the letter she held in her hands for the hundreth time, read all of the words for even the two-hundreth time but still didn't know what to do about it. Still not being sure whether or not telling Jay about it. But after last night, when Jay had once again simply been there for her although she'd been quite bitchy towards him, she knew that he deserved to know about it and that she should share it with him.

″Hey Er, are you okay?″ Jay asked from the doorway, making her startle from her thoughts.

″Yeah...sure,″ she answered and nodded. ″Why?″

″Because I called you for breakfast three times already,″ he answered, furrowing a brow while looking at her. She seemed to be distracted, was even kinda pale and all in all didn't look too good what made him all worried.

″I need to show you something,″ she then said quietly and her eyes and the way she looked at him already told him that it wasn't anything good.

″Okay,″ he nodded and sat down right next to her. Without saying another word, she handed him the letter. He took it but before he read it he first glanced at her again and then at the envelope she still held in her hand.

″St. Louis Corrections Divison Missouri?″ he asked as he was able to read the adress from the sender.

″Mhm,″ she only nodded.

″Who would write you from there?″ he frowned.

″Just read it,″ she shrugged but it seemed like all the confidence that was usually in her voice, was gone.

Jay scanned her for another second and then turned his attention to the short, hand-written letter, and although the writing was scrawly, he read it in no time and had to swallow when he has read the last words.

″When did you get it?″ was the first thing he asked.

″Three days ago.″

″What do you wanna do?″

″I don't know for sure,″ she only mumbled, knowing that he wouldn't like what she actually wanted to do.

″You should just simply throw it in the garbage can and forget about it,″ he suggested and for a moment, Erin looked at him and slightly nodded but then she took a deep breath and said something Jay hasn't expected.

″I think I wanna go there.″

″Over my dead body,″ he said immediately, looking at her with wide eyes as if she was out of her mind.

″Jay he's going to die.″

″So what?″ he asked, his voice being slightly furious. ″You always said he doesn't exist as far as you're concerned. So just let him die.″

″You're right, I don't care about him anymore. But he's going to die and it seems like he regrets the things he's done, so shouldn't I at least give him the chance to say sorry?″ she asked and Jay had the feeling that she had thought about her arguments for the last two days already.

″Why should you give him that chance, Erin? He hasn't reached out for you for the last what? 25 years? And now he's dying and you're suddenly important for him again?″

″13 years and I didn't want to have any contact with him either. As you said, I didn't care where he was, whether he was dead or alive but now...″

″It's not any different now,″ Jay interrupted her.

″Maybe not. But still, I want to go there,″ Erin answered and lowered her head. She'd known that Jay would disagree with her and that was the main reason why she'd been unsure about telling him or not. But going there behind his back would've been even worse because eventually he would've found out anyway.

″What if I don't want you to go there?″

″Why would you not want me to go there Jay?″ she asked back, her voice getting furious.

″Because I don't think it's good for you at the moment. Because I don't want you to drive four hours there and four hours back. Because I think you shouldn't meet the person who was a main reason that your childhood was destroyed. Because I'm scared that he'll only hurt you again. Because I want to protect you,″ he said with a soft voice but she kept her face focused on the floor and in this moment Jay knew no matter what he was going to say, she wouldn't change her mind. As much as he loved her for her stubbornness and determination, in situations like this he hated these attitudes and he wished to have a little more influence on her and her decisions.

″But I don't have a chance, do I?″ he asked her with a low voice.

″I don't think so,″ she answered just as quiet, shook her head, got up and walked into the direction of the bathroom without saying anything again.

″Erin don't run away now,″ Jay begged. She turned her head around to him, even came some steps back.

″I don't,″ she said. She didn't do this anymore, running away, at least not as often and she was also able to lean on other people, especially Jay. He has changed her tremendously and thanks to him she was more and more able to face problems instead of running away from them, to talk with him about her problems and other things that were going on, that's why she'd showed him the letter. ″But I want you to understand my reasons and to accept my decision.″

″And I want you to understand that I'm worried about you,″ he answered.

″I know you are, but there's no reason to. I'll be fine,″ she said, gave him a faint smile and turned around to finally walk to the bathroom.

Jay watched her closing the door and rubbed his tired eyes. He didn't like anything of this. He appreciated that she had told him about it as it was a sign how far she's come but what was the worth of it when he didn't have any influence on her decisions anyway? He was sure that she had made her decision before this conversation already and now he also knew one of the reasons why she's been so moody these past few days.

He eyed the letter, he still held in his hand, again and also read all of the words again. The words of Eddie. Her father. Who was in prison and had stage four lung cancer and was about to die anytime. Who begged to meet her, to talk with her, to see her again before he dies. Who had, together with Bunny and later her abusive boyfriends, ruined her childhood, almost her whole life. Jay didn't know what exactly he had done when she was a child. She hasn't really talked about it yet but he assumed it was bad.

In that moment, Jay recognized another thing that made him feel even more uncomfortable with all of this. How did Eddie, who hasn't had any contact with Erin for 13 years, know her adress? At least it wasn't the adress of her apartment, but it was adressed to the 21st district and Jay felt slightly nervous when he thought about how he could possibly know that she was a cop, in which district she worked and what else this man maybe knew about her...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Do you have a minute?″ Erin asked as she walked into Hank's office later that morning after she had decided to also show the letter to Hank. Although things were still far away from being normal between the two of them it was somehow important for her to show him and ask him for his opinion, maybe hoping that he, opposite to Jay, would understand her reasons.

″Sure,″ Hank nodded and watched her closing the door from the inside, already assuming that something serious was going on.

″What's up?″ he asked as she took the seat adverse him but instead of saying anything she just handed him the letter.

Hank looked at her for a moment, tried to figure out what was going on. She didn't look too good and he got a little worried. Without saying another word he unfolded the letter and started to read it, furrowing a brow after the first words and covering his mouth with his hand after he had finished reading it.

″You won't go there, right?″

″Uhm...I think I will,″ she answered, not daring to look at him.

″Then why did you show this to me, Erin?″ he asked as she obviously has already made her decision.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″Guess I wanted to know what you think about it.″

″What I think about it?″ Hank echoed. ″I tell you what I think about it. He's always been a jagoff and I don't think that has changed. There's a reason why he hasn't been a part of your life for the last 25 years and I don't think you should let him come back into your life. The last time he tried to reach out for you, I think it was when you were 18, he only disappointed you and he then disappeared to apparently go back to old habits and therefore ended up in prison again. I think you shouldn't drive to St. Louis just because he remembered he has a daughter he didn't treat so well, whose life he ruined. Especially not in your current condition,″ he said. She lifted her head and looked at him for the first time since she had sat down, her gaze being slightly furious.

″My condition has nothing to do with this. I can easily drive there because I'm just pregnant, not sick to death or whatever,″ she answered and her voice was rising and she already regretted her decision to show him the letter as they were on the best way back to icy words and snapping at each other.

″I don't think that it will be good for you to see him and I don't think he deserves to see you,″ Hank answered casually and tried to keep his voice under control.

″He's going to die!″

″Let's be honest Erin, for you he died years ago!″

″But now he wrote me this letter...″

″Exactly, he wrote you this letter,″ Hank interrupted her. ″How does he even know your adress or how does he know you're a cop and work in this district?″

″I don't know,″ she answered. She had to admit, she had also already thought about this but hasn't found an answer yet. ″Maybe he really wants to talk things out before he dies and therefore tried everything to find out more about me,″ she added quietly.

″Don't be that naive, Erin. We're talking about Eddie here.″

″People change. I did. So why is it so out of this world that he changed, too?″

″Because some people never change and he's one of them, we both know that. Did you forget all the things he did?″

″Yes, sure, I totally forgot them, thanks for reminding me,″ she snapped. ″I won't go there and tell him 'Hey Dad I love you and I forgive you for destroying my life', but I will go there and listen to him because I think this is the right thing to do. Damn why did I even tell you?″ she asked rhetorically, her voice still being anything but calm and shook her head.

″I won't give you a day off for that,″ Hank answered casually, ignoring her question, but his voice was just as loud as hers.

″Fine, then don't. Guess what, I can go there on Saturday!″ she snarled at him and yanked the letter from his hand.

″He will only disappoint you again, kiddo,″ he said as she stormed out of his office but of course she didn't hear him anymore.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Things between Erin and Jay stayed a little tense for the next few days. They didn't talk about it again but they didn't really talk about anything at all and by Friday evening, the day before Erin wanted to drive to St. Louis, Jay decided that he couldn't ignore it any longer, that they had to talk about it again, maybe somehow finding a solution that was okay for both of them.

″You still want to go, do you?″ Jay asked while they were sitting on the couch and were watching a movie, her body not lying half on top of his as usual but instead having some odd space between them.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″I know you don't like it and you don't have to. But you have to accept my decision to go there.″

″It's not that I don't accept this Erin. I just want to protect you from what this visit could maybe do to you,″ he answered and looked at her with soft, worried eyes.

″I'll be fine.″

″I could come with you,″ he suggested.

″No, you don't have to. I will spend most of the day in the car and just visit him for an hour. Stay here and go to the game with the boys just as you planned it.″

″Exactly, you'll spend most of the day in the car and will drive for eight hours or more. I don't want to go in with you but at least we could take turns with driving.″

″I appreciate it but I'll go there alone. I've driven that long distances before, so it won't be a problem and I'll be back tomorrow night,″ she said and as she saw how worried he still was she leaned in and gave him a short, soft kiss.

″Okay,″ he sighed and also kissed her before she snuggled onto his side for the first time in days.

Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tightened his embrace. No matter how hard it was, he had to accept it as it was obviously important for her to go there. In addition, it wasn't easy for him to let her go there alone but that was still who she was. She wanted to figure some problems out on her own, wanted to deal with certain things alone and didn't want to incriminate anyone with things that concerned her past. He understood it because in that regard he was basically the same and the only thing that would eventually happen was a big fight because he barged in too much into her life. So sometimes it was easier to just let her do her thing what in this case meant that he would let her go and he simply hoped that this man wouldn't somehow break her again.

″Er?″ he asked.

″Huh?″ she asked back and looked up to him.

″Your father...what did he do?″ he asked quietly, almost shy. ″I mean, he didn't beat you...abuse you, did he?″

Erin could hear the fear in his voice and she got out of his embrace, sat up in front of him cross-legged and looked into his eyes, saw the silent pain in them, pain for her.

″He didn't,″ she answered and shook her head. ″But Bunny and him...man...they were such a dream team,″ she said and a sarcastic laughter filled the air.

″Bunny was an alcoholic before but he was an alcoholic and drug-addict and made her addicted to heroin and all kind of pills, too. And he didn't have himself under control when he was high. Never towards me but that didn't mean that I wasn't afraid every single day,″ Erin said quietly, slightly shivering by these memories, and took a deep breath.

″But it was different with Bunny though...he beat her for years...they always thought I wouldn't understand as I was too young but at some point I knew what was going on...No day passed where I wasn't afraid, where I didn't hear them scream at each other, where I heard and saw him being violent, where I watched them getting a fix or where I saw how they threw empty bottles at each other or heard glass breaking in general. I think all of this started long before I was even born, but Bunny...she was weak, so damn weak. She stayed with him because he brought her the alcohol she craved for and the drugs she needed to get high. It only changed when he almost beat her to death and I called the police. I was five years old back then and the police saved her and he went into prison. But instead of getting her life together after her rehab, Bunny found herself another man of the same category, abusive, violent, alcohol- and drug-addicted. I guess she somehow needed that. And soon she was pregnant with Teddy. At some point I stopped counting how often she's been to rehab, how often her boyfriends changed but yet stayed the same. She always complained that we were the biggest mistakes she has ever made in her life, made us feel that it was all our fault and that I, and later Teddy as well, ruined her life when she was actually the one who ruined our lives,″ Erin finished talking about this chapter of her life and Jay saw how tears welled in her eyes.

″Er, I'm sorry.″

″Don't be. That's my past and it always will be a part of my life,″ she shrugged.

″Why do you want to give someone like him a second chance? You gave Bunny one and we know how that ended..."

″It's not about giving him a second chance Jay.″

″Why do you want to talk with him then?″

″I don't know. Maybe I just simply want to hear him say sorry,″ she shrugged once more and curled onto his side again. He wrapped his arm around her again and placed a kiss on her hair.

″He better apologize,″ he mumbled and really hoped for the sake of her that this trip would turn out the way she wanted it to turn out but he feared that she would only get hurt again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The ringing of the alarm-clock woke Erin up by 6am on the following morning. She turned it off, rubbed her tired eyes and suppressed a loud yawn. She then turned around but slightly frowned when she saw Jay's side of the bed being all empty. She got up and walked towards the living room and found Jay standing in the kitchen with just his sweatpants on, making eggs with bacon for breakfast.

″Why are you up already?″ she mumbled as she wrapped her hands around his waist from behind and nestled her head up to his back.

″I thought you need a proper breakfast before your roadtrip,″ he smiled as he turned around and gave her a good-morning-kiss.

″That's so sweet, thank you,″ she answered, once again feeling so endlessly loved and cared about.

″Always,″ he winked and gave her another soft kiss. ″It will still take some time, so you can take a shower before.″

″Okay,″ she nodded and then placed a kiss on his cheek just to whisper in his ear: ″I can't wait for the day we can shower together again.″

″Tell me about it,″ he whispered back, getting a little excited when he realized that it was less than a week until they would be allowed to play scrabble again.

″Five days,″ she chuckled, obviously having the same thought and then left him alone in the kitchen and went to the bathroom. He was kinda surprised how easy the atmosphere was between them this morning, especially after not talking too much for the last three days but it seemed like things have changed for the better somehow after talking about her past the previous evening. After he had figured that this was important for her and had accepted that she needed to go there to somehow finally close this chapter of her life.

Thirty minutes later they enjoyed eggs and bacon and toast together and then it was already time for Erin to leave. But not before Jay gave her a lunch package with sandwiches, muffins, cookies and tons of fruits.

″I love you,″ Erin said as he handed her the lunch package, giving him a grateful smile.

″I love you, too,″ Jay answered, a little smirk surrounding his lips. ″Be careful and no matter how things will turn out, try to keep smiling.″

″I will,″ she answered and kissed him before she got out of his embrace and opened the door. ″See you tonight,″ she waved.

″See you tonight,″ he answered and watched her walking down the stairs while he tried to ignore the bad feeling he still had, that had him kept up all night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin arrived in front of the St. Louis Corrections Division in Missouri shortly after noon but she stayed in her car for another thirty minutes and tried to figure out what she really expected from this trip, this visit. She also tried to imagine what kind of man she was going to see. Her father? A stranger? A person who was more dead than alive? A person who has completely changed? Or a person who was simply still the same person she used to know and had tried to forget over the past few years?

She let her gaze wander over the stonewalls of the prison, the bars in front of the windows, the barb wire fence that surrounded the huge complex and suddenly she didn't feel so confident and comfortable anymore. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe she should simply leave again. Maybe Hank and Jay have been right and she was expecting too much deep inside. In this moment she wished that Jay was with her. That he would hold her hand and tell her that things were going to be okay. But he was more than four hours away just like she has wanted it and she had to handle this situation on her own.

She closed her eyes for a second, then grabbed her jacket and got out of the car, inhaled some deep breaths of the fresh and clean fall-air, before she made her way to the entrance. She told the guards why she was here and then walked through the big gate of the prison, some steps closer to her father, or not exactly her father but her begetter.

″Can I have my jacket again, please?″ she asked after she has gone through the security check.

″You won't need it inside,″ the prison officer answered.

″I know. But he doesn't know about this and there's no need for him to,″ she explained and pointed to her stomach that was too big to even hide it with a wide shirt but instead she has had the idea to simply carry her jacket in front of her belly to hide it as humanly as possible. She didn't even know why she didn't want Eddie to know about her pregnancy, he was a dying man after all, but somehow she felt like she needed to protect her baby, especially inside a prison.

″Okay,″ the guard said and handed her the jacket before another guard ordered her to follow him.

Erin walked behind him through the corridors but pretty soon she realized that they were walking towards the usual visitors area.

″Don't we go to the infirmary?″ she frowned.

″No, why should we?″ the guard asked back and kept on walking but Erin was already able to put the pieces more or less together before the guard stopped and said: ″Over there, you have an hour with him.″

Erin stood there, frozen in her movement, and watched him through the window. There he sat on the table, her begetter, in an orange jumpsuit, patiently waiting for her, and not looking close to death at all. For a moment she wasn't sure whether she should simply turn around again and go or whether she should give him the chance to talk with her anyway. Maybe he was sick, but not as sick as he made it sound in his letter. Maybe he had stage four cancer but was fit enough to still walk around. Or maybe he had just lied to her and was still the same jerk he always has been.

″Ma'am, do you wanna go in?″ the guard asked and she startled a little.

″Uhm...″ she stumbled and thought about it for another second. ″Yeah, sorry.″

″In case you want to leave, just leave. And no worries, there are guards everywhere, you're safe.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said and made her way towards the table where the man with the grayish hair, that once had been dark brown, the beard and the dark brown eyes sat and who looked healthier than many of the other prisoners who sat on the other tables and talked with family members. Even before she took her seat adverse him she knew she wasn't able to keep her anger under control.

″You don't look almost dead to me,″ she said and her voice came cold and angry as she sat down.

″Oh, now you're disappointed right?″ he noticed with a sarcastic undertone and a nasty grin appeared on his lips.

″You don't want to have an honest answer, do you?″ she snapped and didn't even try to keep her voice under control. This was not the way she has wanted this conversation to start but she was too disappointed and furious to keep herself calm.

″You know, originally I wanted to say nice to see you Erin, you're looking good,″ he said casually and as he talked she saw that there weren't many teeth left in his mouth. Not only this but also his features and his whole facial expressions disgusted her and it didn't even take her a minute to realize that he hasn't changed at all. Neither his attitude nor his look and these facts let her slightly shiver.

″You're wasting your breath! But apparently you have more of breath left then you pretended to have.″

″I didn't have a different option to talk with my daughter. You would never have come otherwise but I wanted to see you.″

″I stopped being your daughter years ago,″ Erin said immediately, flashing her eyes at him all mad.

″And yet you came anyway,″ he answered with a winning grin on his face.

″Because I thought you're going to die! Because I wanted to give you the chance to explain yourself, to maybe die in peace! But apparently you're as far away from death as I am from travelling to the moon,″ she said with a sarcastic laughter escaping from her lips and shook her head in disbelief before she remembered another thing. ″Wherefrom did you know my adress, that I'm a cop?″

″I have friends in here,″ he answered and the way he looked at her made her feel even more uncomfortable and fraught than she already was.

″Well, that sounds like a threat.″

″If you think so.″

″Why did you want me to come here, Eddie? Is there anything you wanted to tell me or am I just wasting my time?″

″What should I want to tell you? I just wanted to see my girl. That's it.″

″I'm not your girl,″ she said with a loud voice and some heads turned around.

″My blood runs in your veins, so I'd say you are,″ he answered calmly, still grinning at her.

″I am no one's girl, least of all yours,″ she repeated and knew she wasn't able to do this for too much longer, was ready to jump off her seat any second.

″Yeah right I forgot, you're Hank Voight's girl now. How many times did you screw him that he made someone like you a cop?″ He let out a loud, sardonic laughter as he spoke and a contemptuous undertone was in his voice, looking at her with a piercing glance, and Erin had to swallow hard, needed a moment to find her words again but when she had, she talked to him as icy as she's never talked to someone before.

″You know what: some people told me I shouldn't come here because you would only disappoint me again, because you don't derserve my visit, because I'm wasting my time. But I ignored them because I thought I'm doing the right thing. Because I thought you're going to die and you might have wanted to talk to me because you regret the things did, that you maybe want to say sorry for being the main reason my childhood was ruined. I could've actually spent this day with people who love me and who care about me but instead I have to listen to your bullshit and have to come to the realization that you haven't changed at all. You're still the same asshole that you were when I was a kid and I was so stupid to let you get back into my life. But on the other hand I actually have to thank you. Thank for ruining my life because it directly led me to the people I call family now, people I love more than anything, people who I'm important to, who accept me and care about me. Thank you for all of this, otherwise I'd still have to deal with the garbage you are. Have a nice life in here, Eddie. And go to hell.″

With these words she turned around without looking at him again and almost ran out of the visitor's area as she wasn't able to hold her tears of disappointment back any longer. She just wanted to get away from him as far as possible as fast as possible...

* * *

 **Hope you liked it although it was eeeeeendlessly long! :)**


	24. How Do I Live Without You?

**Thank y'all again for the feedback on my last chapter! This one is...different. I know you all will have the wish to kill me after reading the first two minutes but read it to the end anyway, that's all I'm going to say...**

 **Lyrics are from "How Do I Live Without You" by LeAnn Rimes.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **24\. How Do I Live Without You?**

Jay pulled the curtain in the living room of Erin's apartment open and stared out of the window into the dark night that was only enlightened by the lights of the Chicago skyline. It was a typical windy, wet fall evening. Heavy clouds covered the sky, the rain was pouring down and fog trekked through the streets and surrounded the skyscrapers. For hours already he's been waiting for Erin to come home but he hasn't heard from her since the afternoon when she had sent him a text that she was on her way home. Ever since then she hasn't texted him, hasn't tried to call him and when he tried to call her he was directly led to her voicemail.

At this point, he was so worried about her, he couldn't sit still anymore and paced up and down in her living room, checked his phone every ten seconds and looked down to the street every thirty seconds, anxiously waiting that her car would finally appear in front of the building.

He dialed her number again but just as the ten times before he was led to her voicemail again and once again he left a message for her, begging her to call him back or to get in touch with him somehow different asap.

Jay sat down on the couch and tried to calm himself down. Maybe her phone has died because she used it as GPS. He knew she hasn't taken her charger with her because it was still in the bedroom. Maybe she was stuck in a traffic jam but couldn't call him because her phone simply ran out of battery. There were so many possibilities why he hasn't heard from her in hours but yet he had a really bad feeling regarding all of this.

He rubbed his aching temples and his tired eyes and turned the TV on to get some distraction. He didn't really pay attention but the flickering of the TV, the murmur of the voices and the dimmed light in the living room made him even more tired and as he hadn't slept for even one minute the night prior he allowed himself to close his eyes for only one second...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A loud knocking on the door let him wake up with a start what felt like five minutes later. He checked his clock and realized that he had slept for an hour. He yawned and got up while the knocking didn't stop. For a moment he thought it maybe was Erin but why would she knock on the door instead of simply using her key?

He opened the door, somehow hoped that it was Erin anyway who was knocking for whatever reason, but instead he found his boss standing in front of the door and when he saw Hank's face, any color fell from his own face and his heart dropped to his knees. Something bad had happened, he knew it.

″What's up?″ Jay asked and his voice was shaky, barely there.

″There was an accident,″ Hank answered without beating around the bush and Jay watched how he had to inhale deeply before he was able to continue. ″It seems like a truck-driver fell asleep behind the wheel on the highway that leads into Chicago.″

Within one second Jay felt his world breaking into pieces, felt like he was drowning, suffocating because he wasn't able to breathe. He pressed his hand against his forehead and tried to stay as calm as possible while he was about to break down in front of Hank any moment.

″Where is she?″

″They brought her to Med with the helicopter as they have the best trauma surgeons there,″ Hank answered and Jay nodded in response.

″So she is alive?″

″Barely,″ he said and although Jay felt all fuzzy-headed, he saw how Hank had to swallow hard.

″And the baby?″

″I don't know,″ he said but slightly shook his head. ″Halstead, they called me first because they found her badge in her car and I stopped at the scene for a moment on my way here and saw her car, or what's left of it and...″ His voice broke as he looked into the young detective's eyes but after taking a deep breath he was able to continue. ″You shouldn't get your hopes up too high.″

″Okay,″ Jay nodded with empty eyes, completely being in trance. ″I need to go to Med,″ he then said and took his jacket from the wardrobe right next to the door and then also grabbed his car keys from the sideboard.

″Let me drive, Halstead,″ Hank ordered.

″I'm fine. I can drive myself.″

″You shouldn't drive right now or you'll also end up in Med, but not as a visitor.″

″So what?″ Jay shrugged and walked past Hank. He didn't care about anything at the moment. All the things he just had heard made him fear the worst and if all the things he imagined in his head right now would turn out like this, his life soon wouldn't make sense anymore anyway.

Hank tried to hold him back again but Jay ignored him, ignored the things he was saying, didn't even listen to them and went straight down the stairs and to his car.

Some twenty minutes later, after neglecting all traffic rules, he parked his car in the parking lot of Chicago Med and then ran into the hospital, not into the ED but directly to the surgery floor as he assumed she was already in the OR. He hadn't even asked Hank when the accident had happened but given the fact that he'd already been at the scene, that was a bit outside of the city, it must've happened at least one or two hours ago, maybe even more.

″I'm looking for Erin Lindsay,″ he said when he was at the information desk on the ICU floor, his heart pouding in his chest and having the feeling that his feet wouldn't be able to carry his body for too much longer.

″She's in surgery and this will take a while,″ the nurse answered after checking something in her computer.

″Who is operating her?″

″Dr. Rhodes, Dr. Kimble and Dr. Jackson, our very best team,″ a voice he knew but couldn't allocate immediately appeared behind him.

He turned around and looked into the face of Sharon Goodwin, the Chief of Services.

″How's she doing? Do you have any more information for me?″ he asked her immediately but he wasn't sure whether he was able to accept the possible answer.

″We should go in here,″ she said and pointed to an empty room. Jay slowly nodded in response. A conversation in a different room was never a good sign.

″Come on,″ she encouraged him, placed her hand on his shoulder and guided him to the room.

″Ms Goodwin, please be honest with me,″ he said as soon as she had closed the door.

″I will be,″ she nodded, a look of compassion in her eyes. ″She is very seriously injured. They are performing an emergency surgery right now to repair the things that need to be repaired asap and they will do another one as soon as she will hopefully be stable enough.″

″What kind of injuries does she have?″

″Lots of broken bones, like a broken pelvis, a broken thigh and a broken shoulder, and abdominal bleedings, a lung contusion and major bruises in general,″ Goodwin said and Jay felt a wave of nausea hitting him as she listed all of her injuries. At this point he has lost almost all hope already but yet he still had to ask her this one thing although he already knew the answer.

″What about the baby?″ he whispered but Goodwin only closed her eyes and shook her head.

″It didn't have a chance, I'm sorry,″ she confirmed his apprehension and just like in the minutes before, Jay swallowed down the big lump in his throat again but for a moment he wasn't sure whether he was able to or whether he would simply break down as these news broke him. Their baby was gone. He would never feel its tiny kicks against his hand again, would never be able to stroke Erin's round stomach again and feel it moving under his hand, would never meet his son or daughter, would never be able to hold his baby in his arms. And maybe he would never even have a baby with the woman he loved more than he has ever loved anything or anyone else in his life before because almost all hope, that she would survive all of her life-threatening injuries, has left his body.

″Did you already know the gender?″ she asked but Jay only heard her voice far far away and shook his head mechanical.

″Do you wanna know now?″

″No,″ he said and his voice was cracky as he remembered why Erin didn't want to know it. ″This would've been the last real surprise life has to offer and it should've been the both of us together when finding it out.″

″Okay,″ Goodwin nodded and touched his arm supportingly.

″All that matters is that Erin will be fine,″ he said but it sounded like he talked more with himself than with her. ″All that matters now is that Erin will be fine, that's all that matters,″ he repeated his words and nodded his head as if he was convincing himself.

″In case you need anything, please let me know,″ she offered and Jay couldn't take it to see all the compassion in her eyes.

″Can I wait here?″ he asked her with a low, insecure voice.

″Of course you can. I think your brother's shift starts soon and I'll send him up here then.″

″Uhm...I think I'd like to be alone for a bit,″ Jay only answered and with these words he walked past Goodwin, opened the door and went towards the OR.

He sat down on the floor in front of the OR, his knees tucked to his body, being so close to Erin but yet feeling so far away from her. He tried his best not to think about that they had lost their baby, their son or daughter, and that he could still lose Erin, too. That he most likely would lose her, too. After already losing the most important people in his life with his grandfather and his mother, he was now about to lose the love of his life, the reason he lived for, the one person he would do anything for, the best thing that has ever happened to him, the woman who has changed his life from a nightmare into a dream. But obviously he wasn't suppossed to be happy, to enjoy his life, to love his life just as he had these past few months. Fate always found a way to punch him in his face and his gut.

Jay remembered how Erin once had told him that she can't lose him and the very same applied for him. He couldn't lose her, a life without her wouldn't make any sense for him and as he was thinking about this, about losing her forever, about never seeing her smile again, never hearing her laugh again, never hearing her raspy voice telling him his three favorite words again, he wasn't able to hold his tears back any longer and they ran down his cheeks like a river. He covered his head in his hands and weeped bitterly, cried the pain of loss and his fear of also losing her away.

 _ **How do I,**_

 _ **Get through the night without you?**_

 _ **If I had to live without you,**_

 _ **What kind of life would that be?**_

 _ **Oh I,**_

 _ **I need you in my arms, need you to hold,**_

 _ **You're my world, my heart, my soul,**_

 _ **If you ever leave,**_

 _ **Baby you would take away everything good in my life**_

 _ **And tell me now**_

 _ **How do I live without you?**_

 _ **I want to know,**_

 _ **How do I breathe without you?**_

 _ **If you ever go,**_

 _ **How do I ever, ever survive?**_

 _ **How do I, how do I, how do I live?**_

Jay forgot time while he's been sitting in front of the OR. Nobody has joined him and he was more than glad about it, so he assumed Goodwin had maybe told them to stay back. He wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to hear the condolences for losing their baby and the solace that Erin was a fighter and would surely make it.

He didn't know for how many hours he's been sitting there, mourning and praying at the same time, when the door of the OR finally swung open and Dr. Rhodes walked towards him. Jay tried to interpret the look on his face from afar but he couldn't tell whether he had good news or bad ones. He got up from the floor and the nearer he came, the more hope he lost, suddenly feeling to suffocate again although he didn't know anything yet. He just had this bad feeling again.

″Is she alive?″ Jay asked him as soon as he was close enough to hear him but his voice came out in a hoarse whisper.

″She is,″ Dr. Rhodes nodded and Jay let out a deep breath. But he still didn't like the look on Dr. Rhodes' face and he sensed there was more to the story. He's been a detective for long enough to be able to read other people's faces and to draw his conclusions.

″But it's not looking good, right?″ he asked quietly.

″No,″ he answered and shook his head. ″We were able to fix all the internal bleedings which is kind of a miracle as this was a surgery on a razor's edge. She will need another surgery but we had to stop as she started to get into cardiac arrest too often,″ he explained and sighed and Jay saw how difficult Dr. Rhodes's upcoming words had to be. ″As she flatlined so often we had to do CPR quite some time and at the moment we don't know whether this did any damage to her brain but we'll check that as soon as her condition is more or less stable. For now she's in a coma and at this point we can't tell whether she will ever wake up again.″

″Okay.″ This was the only thing he was able to say, although it was everything but okay, and for the second time that day he shook his head mechanical while his mind tried to process and accept all these things. ″Can I see her?″

″Of course,″ Dr. Rhodes said. "Do you wanna see the baby? Hold it maybe?"

Jay felt like Dr. Rhodes has just stabbed him with a knife right in his heart with this question and he didn't know what to answer, was completely overstrained. Did he want to see and hold his 23-week-old, tiny, son or daughter that didn't have a heartbeat anymore? Should he say goodbye in person, also for Erin, or would this be too much for him to handle, break him even more? Or would he regret it someday if he didn't do it? On one hand he wanted to do it but on the other hand he didn't.

"Uhm," Jay stammered and swallowed the lump in his throat which took him a lot of effort. "I can't decide this right now."

"Okay, take the time you need, you can also do it tomorrow," he said and Jay saw that compassionate glance in his face again. ″Come on, I'll bring you to Erin,″ he added, laid his hand on Jay's shoulder and guided him to her room in recovery.

Jay sat down in the chair right next to her bed and slightly shivered at the sight of her. She had bruises all over her face, tubes came in and out of her body literally everywhere and he watched how her thorax lifted and lowered with the oxydgen the ventilation machine pumped into her wounded body. He took her lifeless, cold hand in his and gazed to her flat stomach, silent tears rolling down his face as he remembered that just a day ago his life had been perfect. Just 24 hours ago he had looked forward to the future in excitement and now there was just endless fear and grief and anger left.

″You need to wake up baby, okay?″ he somewhen said to break the unbearable silence in the room. ″You once said you need me and can't lose me and it's the same for me, Er. Just simply open your eyes and prove them all wrong, show them what a fighter you are. Do it for me. I don't know how to live without you, so don't go to a place where I can't follow you,″ he whispered desperatly, not knowing that Erin had said exactly these words to him just some shorts weeks ago. He brought her hand up to his face and placed a soft kiss on it.

″I love you,″ he mumbled into her hand before tears streamed down his face again. And they didn't stop all night.

 _ **Without you,**_

 _ **There'd be no sun in my sky,**_

 _ **There would be no love in my life,**_

 _ **There'd be no world left for me.**_

 _ **And I,**_

 _ **Baby I don't know what I would do,**_

 _ **I'd be lost if I lost you,**_

 _ **If you ever leave,**_

 _ **Baby you would take everything real in my life**_

 _ **And tell me now,**_

 _ **How do I live without you?**_

 _ **I want to know,**_

 _ **How do I breathe without you?**_

 _ **If you ever go,**_

 _ **How do I ever, ever survive?**_

 _ **How do I, how do I, how do I live?**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Mr. Halstead,″ someone jolted him awake by lying their hand on his shoulder. He turned his head around, his view being blurry from all the tears and the sleep deprivation. He had stayed up all night, anxiously listening to the beep that showed him that her heart was doing its job for now, but as he now realized he had apparently fallen asleep somewhen in the early morning hours.

″Ms Goodwin,″ he said as his vision was clear enough to see who was standing right next to him.

″You should go home for a little while, drink a cup of coffee, have a breakfast and take a shower,″ she said and once again there was this deep compassion in her eyes.

″I won't leave her side,″ he answered immediately, grabbing Erin's hand and squeezing it tightly.

″I know. But we have to run some tests where you can't be with her anyway so just use this time to get out of here for a little while.″

″Is it safe for me to leave without fearing that...″ he asked but his voice broke towards the end.

″After everything that happened during the surgery, her condition is surprisingly stable. That's why we will do some tests because we consider doing the second surgery this afternoon,″ she explained to him and Jay's mind tried to tell him that these were good news, not bad ones.

″I can't stay with her?″ he assured himself again.

″No, you can't. I think all tests will be done in four hours, so you can come back then.″

″Okay,″ Jay sighed, got up from his chair and placed a kiss on her forehead while mumbling the three most important little words.

″Your brother asked for you,″ Goodwin said as they left Erin's room.

″I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to see anyone at the moment,″ Jay answered. It was already hard enough for him that he had to talk with Goodwin, Rhodes and some other doctors and nurses all the time and he knew he would break down in front of all his friends and especially his brother. He didn't want all of them to see him like this. Broken, desperate, weeping.

Jay went home to Erin's place, poured a cup of black coffee while glancing at all the pictures of them that were placed in her living room. One taken at Mollys from the time when they had just been friends, one that was taken by a stranger on the skydeck of the Sears Tower shortly after they've become a couple, one from when they'd been at the Blackhawks game in March, a selfie from their first trip to Wisconsin and a perfect portrait of them looking into each other's eyes deeply and smiling fondly, taken two weeks ago at his birthday party. At his birthday party which had been one of the happiest days in his life and where their baby still had been in Erin's stomach kicking like the next soccer star.

Jay walked over to the rack and took the framed picture in his hand, swiped his thumb over her perfect face and her belly and felt his heart dropping to his knees again, his tears coming up again. Before they could fall from his eyes he placed the photo back at the rack and went to the bathroom to take a cold shower. He somehow hoped that all of this was just a nightmare and the cold water would help him to awake from it. But when he opened his eyes again everything was still the same.

With a towel loosley wrapped around his waist, he went back to the bedroom to grab some clean clothes from the drawer, totally forgetting about the photo that laid on top of his boxers and socks. When he opened the drawer and saw it, he felt like someone was stabbing a knife right into his heart again. He took the print of the sonogram from five weeks ago into his hands and gazed at the baby. His baby. His and Erin's baby. Her pregnancy has always been unreal for him and then feeling their baby move has been even more unreal but now it was unreal that all of this was suddenly gone. That their baby, that came as such a unplanned surprise, was no longer a part of their life.

With the photo still in his hand, Jay stumbled back to the bed as his emotions hit him again. He sat down on the edge of the bed, gazed at the photo, the face of his baby he still thought had Erin's nose, and then covered his head in his hand and cried for his baby, cried for the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with and would now maybe soon have to say goodbye forever.

 _ **Please tell me baby,**_

 _ **How do I go on?**_

 _ **If you ever leave,**_

 _ **Baby you would take everything away,**_

 _ **I need you with me,**_

 _ **Baby don't you know, that you're everything,**_

 _ **Good in my life?**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Three hours later Jay was back at Chicago Med and walked through the corridor of the ICU to Erin's room but Dr. Rhodes already waited for him in front of it and for a moment Jay was sure that it had happened while he's been at home, looking at old pictures and grieving, that she has passed away.

″What happened?″ he asked from afar feeling his heart nervously beating in his chest and ran towards him but immediately relaxed a little when he saw Erin lying in her bed.

″Goodwin wants to talk with you in her office,″ Dr. Rhodes answered.

″Why?″ Jay frowned.

″Let's go and she'll tell you,″ he answered and guided Jay into the right direction but Jay was clever enough to know that the young surgeon denied him something. No matter what they were going to tell him, he knew in that moment that it was bad news.

His feeling got confirmed when he entered Goodwin's office and saw Hank sitting at her desk, too.

″Take a seat,″ she said and pointed to the empty chair next to Hank.

″I'm good,″ Jay answered and walked towards her desk but didn't sit down while Dr. Rhodes stayed back at the door. He saw how Goodwin and Hank exchanged some glances and a moment of awkward silence occured while Jay deep inside prepared himself for what he knew was coming.

″As you know we ran some tests today,″ Goodwin finally said but then paused again.

″Yeah,″ Jay answered with a faint voice and nodded his head. ″Just tell me the result already.″

Once again everyone seemed to exchange glances with each other before it was Hank who chimed in.

″Jay,″ he said and by the sound of his voice he already knew that there was no happy-end in store. ″She's not going to wake up again.″

Although Jay has known that these words were coming, time stood still for him and he was frozen in his movements, wasn't even able to breathe while his world completely broke together. She would die. The girl he has loved from the moment he had seen her for the first time would leave him alone. He would never be able to kiss her grinning lips again after she had teased him, to laugh with her, to joke with her, to wrap his arms around her. Her, the girl who always played tough but was so fragile and vulnerable. The girl who always needed to have the last word.

″But is there nothing you can do?″ he asked quietly and in pure despair.

″We tested everything but there's no brain function anymore,″ Goodwin explained.

″We are going to take her off life support when everyone said goodbye,″ Hank said and within one second Jay's full attention was on his boss.

″No,″ he almost yelled. ″No!″

″Jay, all we can do is to let her die in peace and not torture her any longer,″ Hank said with a sigh escaping from his lips and Jay saw how hard it was for him to keep himself together.

″No!″ Jay called again and shook his head vehement. ″I can't let her go. I don't wanna let her go.″

″That's what she wanted, Jay,″ Goodwin said with a soft and understanding voice. ″She didn't wanted to be on the vent and we have to accept her will.″

″No, no, NO! As long as her heart is still beating we don't take her off life support. I can't let her go. Not like this!″ he said and was surprised about the strength and clarity in his voice. He looked at all of them again with wide, shocked eyes, shook his head in disbelief and then kinda ran out of the room to the one place where he needed to be now. How could they all simply give her up? Wasn't she worth fighting for or why didn't they fight for her?

″Hey baby,″ he said as he walked into her room and sat down at the edge of her bed, cupped her cheek with his hand and stroked it with his thumb. Although she was still intubated she looked so peaceful and besides the bruises her face was as perfect as always. How much he would give to see her beautiful hazel eyes again, to see them sparkle again, to see her dimples again and how she grimaced when he teased her.

″They're all giving up on you but I won't, I promise,″ he said as tears welled in his eyes again, like so often during the last eighteen hours. ″I will fight for you and with you because I know you're strong and together we can do it. Together we can do anything. So please open your eyes and wake up. I can't let you go because I need you and I don't wanna lose you. I can't let you go,″ he whispered desperatly. He laid down next to her as far as it was possible and let all the tears fall from his eyes. And as he hasn't really slept in more than 36 hours, in between sobs his tear-strained eyes somewhen fell shut.

 _ **And tell me now,**_

 _ **How do I live without you?**_

 _ **I want to know,**_

 _ **How do I breathe without you?**_

 _ **If you ever go,**_

 _ **How do I ever, ever survive?**_

 _ **How do I, how do I, how do I live?**_

 _ **How do I live without you?**_

 _ **How do I live without you baby?**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Jay and Erin were sitting on the backs of the very same horses they had ridden some months ago in Wisconsin and rode along Lake Lindsay, always into the direction of the sunset. But something was different than last time because the atmosphere was chastened._

″ _Why did this happen? Why do you have to go? Why do you leave me alone?″ Jay asked her all the questions that preyed on his mind._

″ _Some things will forever stay a secret, Jay. I think some people are simply not supposed to have a long and happy life,″ she shrugged and gave him the weakest of smiles._

″ _But why you, Er? This is not fair.″ Tears ran down his face by these words._

″ _Life is not fair. If life was fair I would never have met such an incredible person like you. I didn't derserve you but yet you were simply here one day and never left my side again no matter what I did.″_

″ _Stop talking like this! You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and you're everything I always wanted.″_

″ _No Jay, if I was the best thing I would never leave you alone now,″ she answered and her voice was sad as she shrugged her shoulders._

″ _Then stay!″_

″ _I can't. I guess some things are supposed to happen although we don't know why and although it doesn't make any sense. Just think back to the beautiful time we had because no one can take away the memories we share.″_

″ _I can't, Er. It hurts so much,″ he whispered as more tears slid down his cheeks._

″ _You will learn to deal with it and you will somewhen be able to look back and smile,″ she said and a sad, faint smile appeared on her face and Jay saw tears in the corners of her eyes, too._

″ _How shall I live without you? Go on without you? I can't do this, Er. I need you,″ he said with a cracky voice and no later than now the tears also streamed down Erin's face._

″ _If I had a choice I would never leave your side, Jay. But I don't have one and I know you'll manage it.″_

″ _I don't know that. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, don't you understand that?″_

″ _I do understand that because the same applies to me. But you have to be strong, you have to fight. Brighter days will come.″ She has never talked to him like this before, her voice has never had that weird sound before. This wasn't the Erin he knew._

″ _So you can see what's coming?″ he asked and furrowed a brow while glancing at her, trying to soak in her side profile, her jawline with his eyes so he could remember it forever._

″ _I can't. But I know you'll have a good life because you deserve it. At some point you will be happy again, I know it.″_

″ _How am I supposed to be happy without you, Er? You're my one and only, you're my life!″ he said and his voice was slightly furious. Why didn't she understand him? Why did she talk to him in a way she's never talked to him before? How could she think that he could be happy without her?_

″ _Jay you have to promise me one thing,″ Erin said and looked directly into his eyes._

″ _Huh?″_

″ _Promise me that you will promise it.″_

″ _Erin,″ he sighed._

″ _Jay please. This is my wish. My last and only wish.″_

″ _Okay,″ he finally nodded._

″ _You have to promise me that you'll be strong no matter what happens, that you'll fight for your very own life, that you'll learn to deal with it and that you'll give your best to be truly happy again one day.″_

″ _But-″ he started to disagree but she interrupted him immediately._

″ _No Jay, promise it and keep your promise. I just want the best for you and although I'm not with you anymore, I'll always be there. Just listen to your heart and you'll know where I am.″_

″ _I promise it, Er. And I will never disappoint you. I love you.″_

″ _I love you, too, and thank you Jay,″ she whispered and they both stopped their horses so they were able to kiss each other, to taste each other's lips for one last time._

″ _Erin is this real?″ he asked her after ending the kiss he wished to continue forever._

″ _Does it matter whether it's real or not?″ she asked in response._

″ _No,″ he mumbled and shook his head._

″ _Then it's however you want it. Real or unreal.″_

 _During the time they've been talking, the sun has already almost set and glowed in an unbelievable red on the horizon._

″ _Can I go now?″ Erin then asked him with a low voice and Jay looked at her as his eyes widened._

″ _Erin, no, I can't.″_

″ _Jay please, let me go.″_

 _He looked at her again, scanned every part of her face, every inch of her body. He loved her so much and he would forever. Tears started to slide down his cheeks again and as he wasn't able to say anything, he just nodded._

″ _Thank you. Let us canter a little, okay?″ she asked and once again he only nodded._

 _For a little while their horses cantered right next to each other, straight into the direction of the sunset. Somewhen Erin and her horse accelerated the pace and Jay had no chance to follow them, no matter how hard he tried._

″ _I love you. Forever,″ he cried as he watched how they got smaller and smaller in the distance and how they then somewhen disappeared in the red sun. For one last time Jay tried to follow them, to find them again but when sun has almost completely set, apart from some few inches that were still visible, he saw her horse loping back towards him. But without Erin, who it had left on the other side..._

 _ **You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.  
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.  
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.**_

 _ **You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  
You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.  
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.  
Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.**_

The continuous beep of the ECG let Jay start from his dream. He looked up to the heart monitor and saw the flatline. He had given her his okay to die and now she was gone.

″No, no, no, no, no,″ he cried. ″Come back, please come back. Come back to me.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Jay!″ the well-known raspy but yet angelic voice of Erin appeared right next to his ear.

″Jay! Wake up,″ she called again but he didn't open his eyes, just wanted to enjoy this moment that she was so close to him although she was gone, that she was back with him.

″Jay!″ Her voice sounded furious and the next thing he felt was how someone slapped him in the face. His eyes fluttered open and he gasped when he saw Erin leaning down to him, looking at him all worried. In the same second he backed away from her towards the other end of the couch. Was this real? Was it just another dream? How could she be here with him, in her apartment, when some seconds ago they'd been in the hospital and her heart had stopped beating.

″Hey Jay,″ Erin said with the softest of voices and scanned him sternly, getting even more worried than she has been ever since she had unlocked the door of her apartment some moments ago and had found him on the couch, screaming 'no' and 'come back'. And even now, as he at least seemed to be awake, his breathing was heavy, his forehead was wet with cold sweat, his facial color was as white as the snow in winter and his whole body was shaking.

″Jay, everything is good and whatever it was, it was just a nightmare,″ she said but he still stared at her with empty, widened eyes and shook his head vehement.

″This...not real...not real,″ he stammered.

″Babe, everything is good,″ she said again and sat down right next to him, touched his arm and had to swallow when she saw how he startled from this touch and pulled his arm back. In this moment she knew that his nightmare must've been about war...or her. And no matter what exactly he had dreamed, it has completely broken him.

″No...no...no...not possible,″ he spluttered again and Erin figured he was more talking with himself than with her.

″Jay,″ she whispered again but she didn't know what else to tell him to convince him that this was real. Once again she laid her hand on his arm and he startled again but didn't pull back this time.

″You had a nightmare, babe, but everything is good now, okay?″ she repeated her words and softly stroked his arm with her thumb as she locked eyes with him. His pupils were still wide and a whole lot of pain and fear reflected from his eyes and his face in general. His eyes were glassy and tear-strained and it seemed like he had cried a lot within the last hour.

″You...you...you were dead,″ he said with barely no voice and Erin's heart broke as her apprehension got confirmed.

″I'm here Jay and I'm alive,″ she whispered and brought her hand up to his face to cup his cheek.

″You're alive,″ he echoed when suddenly something else flashed through his mind and his heart literally stopped beating. ″What about the baby?″

Erin slightly frowned but then she saw the new wave of pain and fear in his eyes and she instantly knew that his nightmare had not only been about losing her but also their baby.

″The baby is fine, Jay,″ she answered softly and looked down to her round stomach and only now Jay really gazed at her for the first time since the slap woke him up some minutes ago. And he let out a long breath when he saw that her abdomen was as swollen as always.

″Yeah?″ he asked shyly.

″Of course,″ she said, grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach so he could feel his very active baby kick against his hand.

″You see? As crazy as always,″ she said and gave him a little smile and for the first time that evening a faint smile rushed over his face as these tiny kicks helped him to really believe that this now was real and not just another dream.

″Seems like,″ he whispered and he curled closer to her side, rested his head on her shoulder just like she usually did.

Erin wrapped her arm around him and held him tight, tickled his neck and head with her fingers to help him to calm down even more and to forget his nightmare, to come back to reality. She's never seen him like this before and this whole nightmare was clearly her fault as she hadn't been able to call him for hours and he had then apparently started to create worst-case-scenarios in his head. Scenarios that were too real for him to take it. Scenarios of losing everything that mattered in his life.

″Where have you been all the time?″ he somewhen asked into the silence and his voice was almost back to how she used to know it.

″There were traffic jams due to accidents and construction sides all the way along and I dumped my phone on a gas station just some miles out of St. Louis. It broke completely and I couldn't use it anymore,″ she answered. ″I know I should have taken other options to call you, like a public telephone along the highway, but I just wanted to get home to you as fast as possible. I'm sorry Jay.″

″It's not your fault Erin...I just panicked.″

″It is my fault. You panicked because you were so worried about me. If I had simply called you somewhen in between none of this would have happened.″

″You're back home safe and that's all that matters to me,″ he said and sat up a little so he was able to kiss her lips. The only lips he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life.

″Erin?″ he asked afterwards.

″Huh?″

″I love you.″

″I love you, too, Jay,″ she smiled faintly and kissed him again, still feeling so guilty.

″Do you wanna talk about your day?″

″Not now Jay,″ she answered and shook her head. Although she wanted to tell him about everything and even needed his comfort, she knew that this would be too much now. ″Tomorrow, okay?″

″Okay,″ he nodded and they both got up from the couch and walked to the bedroom where they lay down some minutes later, Erin snuggled into him as almost always and Jay just enjoyed their closeness and soaking in the sweet smell of her hair. And although the room was completely dark and he was beyond tired, he wasn't able to sleep. He still couldn't forget his dream and he feared to have another one like this as soon as he would close his eyes. So he stayed awake for a little while longer, listened to Erin's steady breathing right next to him, inhaled her scent. Although everything had just been one frightening nightmare and none of it had been real, he knew one thing for sure, one thing that was real: a life without her wouldn't make sense for him and he hoped and prayed that fate was clement with them for one time in their lives so they wouldn't have to live without each other at some point but would instead grow old and wrinkled together. In Wisconsin, or wherever else. It didn't matter. As long as they were together. And for now, he only wished for some smooth and easy months so that they could finally sail into parenthood without any further drama...

* * *

 **I'm sorry for putting y'all through this but this chapter just 'happened' somehow...I can't really explain it to be honest..when I heard this song a while ago I decided that this is something I wanna try because it was a new direction for me. I can totally understand if you don't like this chapter though :D and I have to admit I wasn't even sure whether I shall post it or just skip it and keep it for myself. Maybe you already figured out while reading it that it wasn't real, maybe you thought I'm the most evil person on this planet :D would in any case like to know what you think.  
**

 **I promise the next one will make up for this: some team-fluff is coming and the gender-reveal will also (finally) happen in the next chapter :)**


	25. Precious Treasure

**What shall I say? I was absolutely overwhelmed by the response on my last chapter! Thank you all so much, this means a loooooot to me! :)**

 **Now I feel a little bad to post this chapter as I'm sure not everyone will like my decision with the gender and will be disappointed. I'm sorry for that already. But in the end it's my story and I have a plan for it, so I hope you stick with me although it's might not your preferred gender.**

 **Caution: this chapter might end with playing Scrabble (a little) :D**

* * *

 **25\. Precious Treasure**

The sweet smell of pancakes was in the air when Jay woke up on the following morning. At some point he had obviously fallen asleep and now he felt surprisingly well rested. He looked to Erin's side of the bed but of course it was all empty and he had to grin by the thought that she was standing in the kitchen right now, making pancakes, and was most likely cursing alound all the time, trying not to burn anything down. He turned around to the other side and checked his clock only to realize that it was already 11am. It seemed like he had really needed a long sleep without any nightmares or other sorrows that kept him awake.

Jay unwrapped himself from the blanket, picked up his sweatpants he had just plunked down next to the dresser the night before and made his way to the living room. But before joining Erin, he remained in the doorway for a moment and stared at his girl, who was standing in the kitchen with a messy ponytail, just wearing one of his big blackhawks shirts that was long enough to cover her butt and parts of her thighs, and some cozy socks. He had to suppress a giggle when he watched her turning the pancake and it fell into pieces as the pancake was still too doughy for such a jaunty turn.

″Fuck this shit,″ she cursed and tossed the semi-finished pancake, that was more batter than pancake, into the garbage can.

″Ssshh, Erin, the kiddo is listening,″ Jay chuckled as he couldn't stay calm any longer. Erin turned around and looked at him and a little grin rushed over her bugged face when she saw the smirk on his lips.

″Naah, it's not, it's sleeping,″ she winked.

″Lucky you,″ he laughed and left his spot in the doorway to join her in the kitchen.

″Good morning,″ he murmured into her mouth when he kissed her.

″It wasn't a good morning until you showed up,″ she laughed and placed her hands on his bare waist, caressed his skin with her fingers. ″How do you feel this morning?″

″Really good to be honest.″

″Yeah?″

″Mhm,″ he nodded and she could see in his eyes that really was as they were slightly sparkling again. ″So, do you need a hand with that?″ he then asked and eyed the batter and the two pancakes she has made yet.

″Maybe,″ she sighed and also turned her head to look at the two pancakes on the plate that didn't quite meet her requirements.

″Alright,″ he said, kissed her again and took Erin's spot in the kitchen while she sat on the counter which was the way they always cooked. He did the work because he was definitely more talented and she watched him and teased him from time to time. But today they had something different to talk about, something way more serious.

″Tell me about yesterday,″ he said while putting some batter into the pan.

″There's not much to tell,″ she shrugged and Jay turned his head to her immediately by the cold sound of her voice, saw the pain and disappointment reflecting from her face.

″What happened?″

″Hank and you were right. I shouldn't have gone there. He's still the same friggin' asshole he always has been," she said bitterly. "And it was the wrong thing to go there all alone. I should've taken you with me," she admitted whisperingly. As much as she loved her indepence and didn't feel comfortable with leaning on other people too much, yesterday she had realized how much she needed him and how much better she felt when he was with her.

"Yeah, maybe," Jay answered, being a little surprised by her honest statement that he didn't know what else to say about it. ″So he didn't say sorry?″

″He's not even sick Jay!″ Her voice was rising in furiosness and Jay's eyes widened by her words.

″What?″ he uttered.

″You heard right. No lung cancer, no other deadly disease. He's completely healthy and just hoaxed me.″

"What did he want then? Why did he want you to visit him?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "And I don't care. For me he died yesterday. Once for all. And no matter what he's going to do or going to try in the future to sneak back into my life, I will ignore it. He's always been a jerk and some things never change," she said, hoping that she would never hear anything from him again and that he would stay behind bars for the rest of his life. But she knew how her life loved to punch her in the gut whenever it was possible, so she already feared and even knew that she would have to deal with him again at some point.

″Er, I'm so sorry,″ he said and left the pancake unattended for a moment to give her some comfort by laying his hands on her bare knees.

″Don't be. It's my very own fault. I let this bastard get back into my life because I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But not him and I should've known it better. I guess that's how you learn it, right?″ she asked and a sarcastic laughter escaped from her mouth. ″I let Bunny get back into my life and she almost destroyed everything I worked so hard for but the lecture wasn't big enough apparently because now I also let him get back into it. Seems like I always let the wrong people be a part of my life again. People with bad influence who never did anything for me other than hurting me,″ she added with a low voice and some tears welled in her eyes.

″You let me get back into your life,″ Jay whispered in response and looked deep into her insecure hazel eyes.

″No Jay, you let me get back into YOUR life when you had every reason to ignore and hate me forever.″

″You saved my life Erin. How about we agree that we both let each other get back into their lives because we needed each other? And because two people who truly love each other always find a way to be with each other again and can't be kept apart?″ he asked softly and Erin was sure to see exactly this deep and undeniable love in his piercing blue eyes.

″Okay, let's agree on that,″ she answered with a faint smile.

″Good,″ he said and gave her a soft kiss.

″Can we also agree that you just made a pancake that needs to be tossed into the garbage can, too?″ she chuckled innocently and Jay turned his head around immediately but of course it was too late as the pancake was all burnt already.

″Oh fuck,″ he said as he tried to save what couldn't be saved anymore.

″Sssshh, Jay, the kiddo is listening,″ she teased him.

″It isn't. It's sleeping,″ he repeated her words from some minutes ago, a smirk surrounding his lips while he slightly shook his head. He loved these little moments of joking and teasing and how they were always able to light each other's moods up with goofy statements.

″Lucky you,″ she laughed and watched him filling a new portion of batter into the pan.

They kept on teasing each other for a little while longer, had a long and delicious breakfast together and spent this whole rainy Sunday in sweatpants and wide, comfy shirts, on the couch in her apartment, watching movies or some other TV series and also talked about all the happenings from the day before at some point. Erin told Jay everything that had happened inside the prison and Jay told Erin every little detail about his nightmare, they even talked about decisions regarding life support as this was something that has preyed on Jay's mind since his nightmare last evening. It was exactly that kind of Sunday they both needed after the happenings of the previous day. They needed each other's closeness, they needed to show each other how much they meant to them. That they were each other's most precious treasure and that none of them wanted to be without the other ever again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″So, since Jay and Erin are going to find out the gender of the bullpen-baby today, how about a little bet? 10 bucks each, the winners take it all,″ Adam suggested on Thursday morning. It was a boring morning in the bullpen, Hank and Alvin were out and about talking with some CIs, and no one of the others had anything to do as all the paperwork was always done ever since Erin was working the desk.

″The bullpen-baby?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows while glaring at the young officer.

″Yeah, the bullpen-baby. Like a mascott, you know?″ he grinned.

″You call this baby a mascott again and I'll slap this stapler into your face, you got me?″ she asked and held the stapler up, ready to throw it across the room anytime.

″You wouldn't.″

″I would. Wanna test it?″

″Uhm...no, thanks,″ he answered, obviously seeing the look in her face that she wasn't joking around. ″So back to the bet: everyone writes down what they think on a piece of paper and we'll reveal it tomorrow just before Erin and Jay tell us whether their future life will be pink or blue.″

″What makes you think we'll share this? Maybe we'll keep it for us,″ Erin said casually.

″Ah no, Linds, come on, you can't do this to us,″ Kevin chimed in.

″As soon as you know the gender it will automatically slip from your lips anyway somewhen,″ Antonio said, knowing what he was talking about.

″You got a point there,″ Erin admitted. ″What do you think?″ she then asked, looking to Jay who has only been the quiet listener yet.

″The bet sounds like fun,″ he shrugged and twinkled at her.

″Come on, Erin,″ Mouse said and gave her a little smile.

″Alright, I'm in,″ she finally said and all the boys started to cheer. But only until they saw Platt standing on the top of the stairs, looking at them as if they were all out of their minds.

″Did Ruzek finally get it how to use the new facial composite program or what are you celebrating here?″ she asked all dry and before Adam was able to complain, she already continued speaking. ″Talking about not getting things right. I have some forms downstairs that aren't filled out correct, Erin, so if you don't mind...″

″Yeah, sure,″ Erin sighed and got up from her chair, pulled her shirt, that was a little too tight by now, down and followed Platt down the stairs.

″So Jay, boy or girl, what do you think?″ Adam asked as soon as Erin was out of earshot.

″It's a boy,″ he answered instantly and sounded pretty convinced.

″We want to know what you think, not what you want,″ Kevin laughed.

″It's a boy, believe me,″ Jay repeated his words. ″The way this baby kicks it can only be the next Messi. Plus Halstead's always have boys. I have one brother, my dad is one of four brothers and those of his brothers who have kids only have sons, too. So there's no doubt that it's a boy,″ Jay said, wondering whether they would eat it or not. In actual fact he had no idea whether their baby was a boy or a girl and he didn't favor one over the other. He didn't know why but if he had to bet, he would bet on a girl. That was why he just had told his colleagues that he was sure their baby is a boy. Maybe they would jump on that and all bet for a boy while he was the only one who went for a girl which he found was a pretty smart idea. In case he was right, of course.

″These are really good arguments, so you're sure?″ Adam asked and Jay could already see the dollar signs in his eyes.

″And by sure we mean sure as in really really sure?″ Kevin also asked.

″Absolutely,″ Jay assured him and had to give his best to avoid laughing as his plan really seemed to work.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″What did you bet?″ Jay asked Erin as they sat in Dr. Hanson's office in the evening, waiting for their appointment.

″Uhm...I didn't take part in the bet,″ she admitted with a low voice and looked down to their interlocked fingers.

″Why not?″ Jay frowned.

″Because I don't know whether it's a boy or a girl,″ she shrugged but she has said enough for him to recognize the insecurity in her voice. And he honestly didn't know where this was coming from now.

″Er, I don't know either. It's just for fun.″

″Maybe for you,″ she said and bit her lip before she continued to speak in a voice that was barely a whisper. ″But not for me.″

″It's just for fun for all of us,″ Jay answered. He really didn't understand her problem.

″No,″ she said and shook her head. ″I don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, okay? But I should because of my maternal instincts, right? So if I bet for a girl, then it's a boy, if I bet for a boy, it's a girl. No matter what I'm going to say, it will be wrong. And everyone will be like: how can she not know it? She's the mother, she should feel it. But the truth is, I don't feel a damn thing Jay because my body isn't equipped with maternal instincts or anything of this,″ she said and tried her best to keep her sarcastic voice under control but had anyway the feeling that everyone else was looking at them.

″Erin,″ he sighed. Of course now he got it. This was about her motherhood skills again that she still doubted. He's known that she was still scared about becoming a mother but he hasn't expected that it was still that bad. He's had the feeling that she was growing into it during the last few weeks, slowly as in babysteps, but growing into it nonetheless. But apparently he's been wrong.

″No one would ever condemn you for not knowing it. It's a fifty fifty chance that you're right but it's also a fifty fifty chance that you're wrong. Some women may be able to sense or feel it or whatsoever but I doubt all women on this planet can do this. So please do me a favor and stop talking yourself down, okay?″ he asked her with the softest of voices and squeezed her hand.

″Mhm,″ she nodded but as she now locked eyes with him, Jay knew she was anything but convinced and right now he didn't know what else to say to prove her different. She obviously didn't want to stop doubting herself when it came to motherhood, so he had no chance to convince her at the moment and he only hoped he would have one somewhen, the sooner the better. But just in this second, as he felt like she was going some big steps back again, she said something he hadn't expected after the way this conversation has turned out so far.

″I somehow think it's maybe a girl though. But now Dr. Hanson will tell us it's a boy, which is what you think, right?″ she asked and a weak smile made a comeback on her face.

″I don't actually,″ he grinned.

″What?″ she frowned. ″Mouse told me you told the whole bullpen how it can only be a boy.″

″That's what I told them yeah, but that's not what I think,″ he smirked.

″Then why did you tell them you think it can only be a boy when you actually think it's a girl?″

″Look, they now all bet for a boy because of me. While I'm the only one who bet for a girl. So who gets all the money in case it's a girl?″ he asked and a winning grin was on his lips.

″That's actually pretty smart,″ Erin laughed.

″Surprised?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows playfully.

″By the possible stupidity of our colleagues, yes,″ she chuckled. ″I mean, did they think about the fact that they would all only get their 10 dollars back if they all bet for the same?″

″Nope.″

″Nope,″ Erin echoed and laughed. ″For the sake of this INTELLIGENCE unit I really hope that they're smarter than that though.″

″Guess we have to wait and see. But in case I win, I'll invite you for dinner at the Purple Pig,″ he winked.

″So noble,″ she smirked before his lips merged with hers for a quick kiss.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Some thirty minutes later they were finally in the examination room and Jay got a little curious as he realized that the big moment was just minutes away. He still didn't care whether it was a boy or a girl but he simply wanted to know now, wanted to be able to plan and imagine their future life, wanted to know whether they had to paint the nursery pink or blue, whether their future was about Bob the Builder and soccer or Disney princesses and dancing.

″How do you feel, Erin?″ Dr. Hanson asked Erin, who sat on the edge of the examination table, as she entered the room.

″I'm tired all the time but otherwise I feel good,″ she answered.

″Are you tired because you can't sleep at night or because you work too much?″

″I do definitely not work too much, but I can't sleep at night because that's when the baby is hella active.″

″That's completely normal and unfortunately there's not much you can do about it. I can show you some things you can do with pillows later but first things first,″ Dr. Hanson said and sat down on her stool next to the ultrasound machine. Erin laid back down on the examination table and revealed her round stomach.

″Uhm...we decided that we would like to know the gender today,″ Erin said while Dr. Hanson squirted the gel on her stomach and then put the wand on it as well.

″You changed your mind?″ her doctor smiled.

″We did,″ Jay confirmed, a smile of anticipation surrounding his lips.

″Okay, then let's check whether it's still the same as the last two times,″ she said and with her words their baby appeared on the screen, once again a whole lot bigger than last time. As always, Dr. Hanson measured the baby and checked its heartbeat, explaining them what she was doing and then telling them that everything was perfectly fine.

″Is it possible that it's sucking its thumb?″ Jay asked.

″Good catch,″ Dr. Hanson said and nodded.

″That's so cute,″ Jay laughed and Erin had to grin as well.

″So, any predictions about the gender on your side?″ Dr. Hanson asked and glanced from Erin to Jay and back to Erin.

″Uhm...considering the strong kicks all the time it must be a boy, but... maybe it's a girl, I don't know,″ Erin answered.

″It's a girl,″ Jay said and compared to Erin's voice, his voice was all convinced.

″Did you show the print of the sonogram to your brother?″ Dr. Hanson asked.

″Damn, I could've done that,″ Jay laughed. ″But no, I didn't, why?″

″Because your answer came so precise and is pretty much right,″ she smiled.

″It's a girl?″ Erin assured herself and an unknown feeling went through her body as she imagined their future with a little girl for a second. It wasn't the usual feeling of fear but much more the tiniest bit of anticipation.

″Yes, you're having a girl. You can see it here,″ she said and pointed to the screen but none of them could see what she meant.

″I knew it,″ Jay grinned like a Chesire Cat. He felt his heart literally jumping up and down in his chest and he brought Erin's hand, which he had held all the time, up to his face to kiss it just before he leaned down to Erin and kissed her cheek only to whisper in her ear: ″And you knew it, too.″

Once again this brightest of smiles was on Jay's face and Erin could see the excitement in his face from all the things he imagined about their future in his head right now. And just as almost always his joy was contagious this time, too and she smiled back at him just as bright. And the fact, that she deep, deep, deep down inside has had the right feeling took a little load off her mind and in addition, imagining Jay with a daughter let her smile grow even wider. A daughter he would protect just as much as he always protected her.

Jay also couldn't stop glaring at her and for these short seconds they both seemed to forget that they weren't alone. For the first time he saw some real happiness in Erin's eyes, not mixed with insecurity and doubts like usually. It was admittedly just a brief moment but he knew that now knowing the gender was another little step for her and slowly but steady things started to fall into place and he couldn't be happier about it. Their little troublemaker was a girl. A girl that he hoped would look a lot like Erin. She was perfectly healthy and all of this made Jay feel endlessly blessed. Life was good. And beautiful. At least in this moment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You're okay with a girl, right?″ Erin asked when they strolled through the park after their appointment, heading to their favorite hotdog booth.

″Of course, why shouldn't I?″ Jay frowned.

″Dunno. May you're disappointed because it's not a boy,″ she shrugged.

″Erin stop,″ he said and stopped walking and she did as well. ″How can you even think that? At no point I preferred one over the other, just like you. And I tell you something: I couldn't be any happier right now.″

″Yeah?″

″Yeah. I mean, our life is going to consist of Disney princesses and Frozen on rerun, isn't it awesome?″ Jay laughed and his eyes sparkled in excitement by his words.

″You watched Frozen?″ Erin frowned.

″Naah, not yet, but I guess it will change soon. Did you?″

″Nope. And I don't think I wanna watch it,″ she laughed.

″I read somewhere that little girls adore it, so I'm afraid you have to at some point,″ he grinned.

″Naah, no Frozen and no princesses for her. But I'm okay with The Lion King or The Jungle Book.″

″How generous,″ Jay chuckled.

″And no pink clothes and no pink nursery.″

″Are you serious?″

″Oh yes,″ she nodded.

″Why?″

″Because it's so cliché,″ she said and only got another are-you-serious-eyebrow-raise from him in response.

″What?″ she asked. ″Society makes you believe girls have to live a life in pink and boys in blue. But girls can also wear blue and gray and green. The gender is not defined by a color. This city doesn't need any more princesses who live in their pink bubble, but strong, determined girls who fight for theirselves, who are heroes for others,″ she said all serious and her voice was even rising a little like she talked herself into a rage.

″You're right, Er. This world needs more strong women. Like you. More badass women. Like you. More female heroes. Like you. But no pink? Come on, she doesn't need all her clothes in pink but I think some won't do any harm but would rather look adorable,″ he winked.

″Uh-uh. You won't do the shopping, that I know,″ she answered casually but also gave him an innocent smirk, tried as always to have the last word of this conversation.

″Mommy doesn't mean it like this,″ Jay grinned and placed his hand on her round stomach.

″I mean it exactly like this.″

″She will change her mind,″ he chuckled, stroking her belly softly.

″I won't″ she grinned.

″Shut up,″ he muttered and wrapped his arm around her neck, placing a kiss on her temple before they continued walking. This conversation was done for now but the last word hasn't been spoken about it yet.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Are you guys all ready for the big moment?″ Adam asked his team members on Friday morning, standing in front of the board they usually pinned their suspects and victims on. But today the word boy was written on one side and girl on the other. Adam took his job as boss of the bet, how his team members called him, very serious and had even locked up all the little pieces of papers with their predictions in the safe last night so no one was able to make a last-minute change.

″Sure, can't wait to get my money,″ Kevin laughed and joined Adam on the board to help him with the count and make dashs on the pursuant side of the board.

″Yeah, get it started already,″ Antonio also said and it seemed like all of them, even Platt, who stood on top of the stairs with Kim and Roman, were slightly curious by now.

″Come on Ruzek, we don't have time forever,″ Hank, who has surprisingly also taken part in the bet, said gruffly.

″Alright, here we go. First one comes from Kevin and he says...,″ Adam said and unfolded the paper, ″a boy.″

Erin and Jay exchanged a quick glance with a little smirk and a slight head-shaking, still not being able to believe that this plan has obviously really worked.

″My humble self bet on a boy, too,″ Adam said while unfolding his own paper and Kevin marked a second dash on the left side.

Adam kept on unfolding the papers of Roman and Kim, who had also heard about the conversation in the bullpen on the previous day, and Antonio and Mouse and all of them bet for a boy.

But then he slightly frowned when he unfolded the one of Platt and it wasn't because of her handwriting.

″What the hell is a borl, Sarge?″

″It's short for boy-girl of course, which means I will be right no matter what,″ she explained casually.

″You wish,″ Adam laughed but Platt shot him a death glare by this kinda sassy statement. ″You have to decide for one. Now, otherwise you're out,″ he then shrugged.

″Well, seeing this,″ she said and pointed to the board, ″makes me think you guys might know something I don't and as I want to have at least my 10 bucks back, I say a boy, too.″

″Alright, another one on this side,″ Kevin said, painting the 7th dash to the left side.

″So, now let's see what our boss bet,″ Adam grinned. ″Uuuhhh, and we have our first one who bet for a girl,″ he added after unfolding it and murmur went through the bullpen. And once again Jay and Erin exchanged a quick glance, grinning and raising their eyebrows this time. How could they have expected that Hank would not bet the right gender?

And after revealing Al's paper some seconds later, it became clear that he was in no way inferior to Hank as his scrawly handwriting also showed four letters, not only three. Now only Jay's paper was left but the sole victory was of course not possible anymore as Hank and Alvin had foiled his plans.

″So now let's see what daddy bet,″ Adam grinned, thinking he knew it already, but he furrowed a brow when he read the word that was written on the paper. ″Uhm Jay, you wrote boy wrong.″

″Did I?″ he chuckled.

″Why the heck did you bet for a girl when you told us that it can only be a boy?″

″Adam, I knew you all went for boy because of what I said. Which is true by the way, there have only boys been born in the Halstead family for generations now. But with all of us betting for a boy, everyone would only get their 10 bucks back. So for getting the money I had to take a risk, sorry bro,″ he laughed.

″Damn, that's not so dumb,″ Antonio also laughed.

″It is dumb because he just told us that in the Halstead family the xy-chromosome obviously is really, really strong and always wins over the xx-chromosome,″ Adam winked, still thinking that he was on winning ways.

″It was losing 10 bucks against winning 50 or even more. Was worth a try, wouldn't you agree?″ Jay grinned.

″Naaah, but thanks to you we all get a little more money. Now Erin has the honor to confirm it already. Come on.″

″Alright,″ she smirked and got up from her chair. She took the marker from Kevin and also took his spot next to the board. ″I'm sorry to break it to you guys,″ she said and circled the three names and dashs on the right sight, ″but Jay broke a family tradition right there.″

″No friggin' way,″ Adam uttered while at the same time a ″what?!″ escaped from Kevin's lips.

″You sure about that?″ Antonio asked and shook his head.

″Absolutely. Baby Halstead's a girl,″ she smiled and then directly looked to Hank, who gave her an almost imperceptible nod, the littlest of smirks surrounding his lips.

″Seems like Jay's the rebel of the family,″ Antonio laughed. ″Congrats guys!″

″Yeah buddy, congrats for messing up big,″ Adam joked and gave Jay a pat on the back.

″Was a pleasure,″ Jay grinned back, starting to collect the money from all of them and then split it up between Hank, Al and himself.

″You know, without Jay I had bet for a girl,″ Mouse said as he handed Jay the money kinda unwillingly.

″Yeah, same here,″ Adam complained.

″You wish,″ Jay chuckled.

″Okay, maybe not. But anyway, I think for setting us on the wrong track you owe us all a drink. Mollys tonight, Jay pays with our lost money, who's in?″ Adam asked, giving Jay not the slightest chance to disagree, and raised his hand just as Mouse, Kevin, Antonio and Kim did.

Erin was kinda surprised by Kim's reaction. She hasn't expected that she wanted to spend an evening with Adam. She hasn't really had time for her friend during the last few weeks and in this moment she felt like the worst friend in the world as she's obviously missed that there was something cooking. But maybe she could use this evening to catch up on all the things she has missed during these last few busy and crazy weeks.

″Alright, tonight 9pm Mollys,″ Adam confirmed. ″Thank you buddy,″ he grinned to Jay and gave him another pat on the back. It seemed like for the first time in a while they were all going to have a nice and easy evening at their favorite bar and after everything they went through with Jay's and Adam's accident some weeks ago it was about damn time for pouring some drinks together and chitchatting about everything but work.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Beer for everyone, paid by our generous detective Halstead,″ Adam said and joined the others on their table, giving all of them a bottle of beer, even Erin, and then sat down right next to her.

″Uhm Adam?″ she frowned and pushed the bottle back to him.

″Take it already Linds. It's...uhm...something super special just for you,″ he winked.

″What is it?″ she asked back and raised her eyebrows.

″Water,″ he smirked.

″Bite me Adam, couldn't it be at least a mix of juices?″ she laughed and punched her fist onto his shoulder.

″Your gratitude is always incredible,″ he also laughed.

″Well, thank you for bringing me tab water...in a beer bottle,″ she grinned and slightly shook her head. What a dork her colleague was.

″Your welcome, Erin. And now, to baby girl Halstead,″ he said and raised his bottle.

″To baby girl Halstead,″ all the others said in chorus and also raised their bottles.

″And to Jay who got cleared for full duty some hours ago and will be out on the streets with us again on Monday,″ Antonio said, looking to his younger friend.

″To Jay,″ they all said and clinked their bottles before taking some mouthfuls.

Erin thought about Antonio's words as she sipped on her water. The time of their together desk duty was over and she didn't know how to feel about Jay returning to his usual job. Was she afraid? Maybe a little. Bad things could happen so fast in their job, life was unpredictable and she could always lose him. But on the other hand, this had been the first time that Jay got seriously injured on the job, so she doubted it would happen again soon. That was at least what she was telling herself. In addition, she was of course also happy for him. That he was allowed to do the job again he loved so much. The job she also loved so much and right now missed more than anything. This was their life after all, the life they both loved. It was dangerous sometimes but it always has been, so this was actually nothing new. And Erin has never really thought about it before, has never had a problem with it. But with her pregnancy things have somehow changed. She needed him, losing him was her biggest fear, so especially since his accident she would always be a little worried when they were out on a bust. Without her. This would only change when she was with them again in some months and would then always have his back again.

″Hey, you alright?″ Jay whispered into her ear and laid his hand on her thigh.

″Uhm yeah,″ she nodded. ″Just don't like the thought of being on desk duty without you,″ she said and gave him a faint smile.

″You know,″ he said and came closer to her face again, brushing some strands behind her ear. ″You have to see the positive things of me being cleared for full duty,″ he murmured as quiet as possible but she could still hear the naughty undertone in his voice and of course knew exactly what he meant.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″We really have to take advantage of this soon. Like really soon,″ she whispered and the slight passion in her eyes and the playful smirk on her lips were almost already too much for Jay as he felt his heartbeat quicken just by the thought what they were maybe finally going to do once they were in her apartment later. Hopefully not that much later but rather sooner.

But of course, as always when they were out together on a Friday night and didn't have a case that required working on Saturday, they were sitting there like forever, drinking, chitchatting, laughing and joking, taking full advantage of the fact that they all could sleep in on the following morning. Erin was sure to see some sparks between Kim and Adam but sitting on a table with all of their friends, she of course didn't have the chance to ask her about the newest developments she's obviously missed. So at one point she suggested Kim that they needed a girls night out again, not in Mollys but preferably somewhere in downtown, and they decided to put their plan into action on one of the following weekends.

By around 2 at night Erin had the honorable task to bring some of her half-drunk colleagues home so that they would actually arrive there safe and sound and at his point Jay already saw their little possible scrabble-session literally flying away in the distance.

It was an hour later, at almost 3 o' clock, when Jay left the bathroom after a quick shower and he was surprised that Erin hasn't fallen asleep already in the short ten minutes he's been in the bathroom. She smiled at him when he walked into the room. Just in his boxers. Showing off his muscular, picture-perfect body that attracted her so much and that she craved for so much at the moment that she could feel her body heating up.

″Why aren't you sleeping yet?″ he asked her, bringing her somehow back to reality with his question.

″Because she's all awake at the moment,″ Erin yawned and rubbed her belly.

″Too bad,″ Jay grinned and lay down as well, but immediately rested his head on her stomach and tickled it in the softest way. ″You should let your mommy sleep,″ he chuckled as he felt a kick against his hand.

″She's a little devil and she will surely not let me sleep anytime soon,″ she laughed, trying to give him a broad hint. But Jay didn't do her the favor to understand what she wanted to tell him and so for some time they just enjoyed their togetherness and the only touches they exchanged was his hand on her stomach and her fingers caressing his neck.

Jay felt an unknown feeling of absolute gratitude going through his body as he felt his baby move under his hand and tried to hear anything of what was going on inside of Erin's belly. For him, this was a perfect moment, one of the most perfect one's in his life, a moment he never thought he would ever have. With the woman he never thought he'd ever call his. The woman who now gave him a child, a daughter, made him a father, which was something he had never even dared to dream about but deep inside always has wanted. Especially with Erin, the love of his life. And although their baby wasn't born yet, he knew for sure that Erin and their baby girl were the most precious treasures in his life. Forever and always.

In this moment all the love he felt for her wanted to burst out of him and no matter how late in the night it was, he wanted to love her, wanted to show her how much he loved her. Loving her for being the incredible person she was, for giving him his own little family and for all the things she sacrificed more or less voluntarily for exactly this family at the moment.

His fingers slowly went under her shirt and he tickled her bare skin for a little while which already sent chills down Erin's spine and then he pulled her shirt up and started to place soft kisses on her stomach, making her giggle as she felt his breath on her skin. He kept on doing this kind of torture for a little while longer before he finally helped her to take off her shirt completely and by doing so he also changed his position a bit, laid his leg on top of hers and started to kiss her neck and her breasts while his hand slowly travelled down deeper and soon reached the waistband of her panties, stripping them with one skillful move. He could hear her breathing quicken and getting heavier right next to his ear, just as his own, and some soft moans escaped from her lips as his fingers came close to the point of no-return.

As much as Erin enjoyed this little foreplay and all his soft touches, she hated them at the same time as she felt his hard cock, that was still covered in his boxers, pressing against her thigh and she wished nothing more than that he buried himself inside of her already. But he too much enjoyed to tease her right now, so Erin couldn't do anything but accepting it and therefore started her own kind of payback by doing the same. First her fingers only tickled his abs but then she slid into his boxers, touching the one part of his body that already ached so much because of his arousal. He moaned her name and although Erin's head was all fuzzy from her very own arousal, she realized how much she's missed this. To touch his most sensitive areas and to let him touch hers. To show him how much she loved and needed him by making love with him. To let their bodies melt into one body. The past 6 weeks have been a torture for both of them, but this night, this reunion of their bodies, this resumption of their very own version of scrabble, was on the best way to make up for it...

* * *

 **I hope this chapter was "fluffy" enough and made up for the previous one :D  
**

 **Now about the gender and why I decided for a girl although almost everyone does. It's a simple reason: this whole story was/is created out of my fantasy and my fantasy also created a girl for them. In my head Jay with a daughter is the cutest thing ever. That doesn't mean Jay with a boy would be less cute though, so it's really just a personal thing. I always imagine Linstead with a baby girl (which makes writing everything around baby Halstead a lot easier for me than it would be with a baby boy at this point) and it may sound a little selfish but as a writer I totally want to write Jay with a daughter. Hope you can understand and accept my reasons. Thanks :)**


	26. Puzzle Of My Heart

**Thank you all again for the reviews and the ongoing support and for accepting and defending my decision for a baby girl. I don't want to repeat myself that often but it really means a lot to me :)** **So here comes chapter 26 and a little more fluff, hope you enjoy it!**

 **Lyrics are from the song "Puzzle Of My Heart" by Westlife.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **26\. Puzzle Of My Heart**

Two weeks went by and fall started to surround Chicago completely. The days got grayer and shorter, the rain poured down more often and the colorful leafs started to fall from the trees already. On some days the sun still won the fight over the clouds but all in all it got colder day by day and it was time for pullovers and thicker jackets instead of just shirts. Chicago winter inevitably came closer and with it the due date of baby Halstead. And another special day that needed to be acknowledged came closer as well.

Erin's mood meanwhile constantly changed almost every day. One day her mood was good all the time and she laughed all day while she was back to snapping at everyone just some 24 hours later. One day she seemed to enjoy her pregnancy while she was back to not liking it too much the day after. But all the time Jay was just simply Jay and accepted it, let her be moody but was there for her nonetheless when she had one of her bad days and needed him and of course laughed and joked with her on her better days.

Also, Erin and desk duty was still anything but a love affair. One day she seemed to be more or less okay with it and the next day she was back hating it. As long as she had to do something and didn't feel useless she was okay with filling out papers, making calls, putting pieces together with Mouse, interrogating suspects with one of her colleagues. But the favorite part of her desk duty were the rare times she was allowed to join Jay with visiting witnesses in their homes or talking to victims in Chicago Med. When she got to see different things than the walls of the bullpen and the screen of her computer. But she knew it was just a matter of time now until she would get bound to full desk duty and this thought already filled her with horror. She was happy for every week no one told her that she had to relax a little more and had to reduce her tasks to just headache-causing paperwork. She would've given a lot for a speedy chase in the 300, for busting some drug dealers in a warehouse or for doing an undercover operation. She longed for some action, real action, but yet she was so far away from all of that, it made her heart heavy.

Two weeks after their all together night out, when it was finally weekend again, it was time for Erin's and Kim's girl's night which turned into a whole girl's day. They used this windy Saturday for shopping on Michigan Avenue as Kim needed some new stuff for the winter and as none of Erin's jeans fit her anymore, she had to bite the bullet and buy some actual maternity pants and shirts and pullovers as well.

After bringing their newest acquisitions home, they met again in downtown in the evening, Erin wearing her new black pants, a tight white shirt with a v-neck and her favorite red leather jacket she of course couldn't close anymore but she's never closed it before she was pregnant either so she could still wear it although she found that it of course didn't look sexy on her anymore with her looking like she had swallowed a water melon.

″Looking good,″ Kim grinned at Erin after they had hugged each other.

″Looking fat,″ Erin disagreed and looked down to her swollen stomach and her feet.

″Did you take a look in the mirror? You're looking gorgeous!″

″Yeah gorgeously round,″ she answered dryly while they started walking into the dircetion of their favorite Mexican restaurant.

″Oh come on. How much weight did you gain yet? Around twelve pounds maybe?″ Kim asked, scanning her friend from head to toes.

″Make it fourteen.″

″Well, then fourteen. That's still nothing,″ Kim shrugged and gave her an encouraging smile.

″Yeah, maybe, but I'm not done yet and have 14 more weeks. So more than enough time left to get the build of an elephant.″

″Erin, please don't be like that okay? Because for 26 weeks this is a pretty small bump, so you should be happy about it instead of complaining about it.″

″Yeah, maybe. I'm sorry,″ Erin said and bit her lip before she continued speaking and admitted a little more of what was going on in her head to her friend. ″It's just still hard for me to accept all this change and having no influence. I hate losing control over something and although I know that my body only changes to give her all the things and the space she needs to grow it feels like I'm losing control over my body.″

″I can understand that Erin and I even think that I would feel similar,″ Kim said, ″but you have to see the other side of the coin. You're growing a human being. Your body can grow a human being. So isn't it amazing and at the same time a little scary as well to be part of one of the last real miracles in life?″

″It's...unreal... to think about that my body is capable of doing this. And sometimes, when I feel her kicking around like a crazy bull I think: She seems to be fine and happy in there so maybe I'm doing it right. Maybe I don't mess it up although I have no idea what I'm doing but my body obviously knows what it's doing better than I do,″ Erin said and was a little surprised about her honesty towards her friend.

″Of course you're doing it right Erin. That's called maternal instincts and they grow in the same way as your baby does,″ Kim encouraged her and gave her a little wink.

″Yeah, looks like,″ Erin answered and forced a smile. She was still sure that she didn't have any maternal instincts but it was better not to start a discussion about this yet as the evening, she really just wanted to enjoy, would then turn out not too nice.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Some minutes later they were inside the crowded restaurant where Mexican music played from the jukebox and made them feel like they were in Havanna. After getting some fruit juice cocktails and nachos with cheese and jalapenos and dips they could finally start to chitchat about all the happenings of the last few weeks, all the things they've missed in each other's life as especially Erin's life had been like a rollercoaster.

″So, tell me about you and Adam,″ Erin grinned somewhen just after she had taken a sip of her cocktail through the straw.

″There's nothing to tell you about,″ Kim answered but the soft smile that surrounded her lips revealed her.

″You sure?″ Erin asked and raised her eyebrows. ″But well, when there's nothing to tell about, what about Sean?″

″We're friends and partners and that's enough for both of us at the moment.″

″Really?″

″Yeah. You were right. Things happened to quick, not only for me but also for him. We decided we want to take it easy and for now we just want to do a good job and kick ass. And then we'll see whether it maybe leads to something serious someday,″ she shrugged and grabbed one of the nachos.

″The way you and Adam look at each other again things between you and Sean will never get serious,″ Erin noticed casually and scanned her friend for her reaction only to see her cheeks blush a little. Which was enough proof for her to know that she's been right.

″We're just friends, honestly,″ Kim said quietly.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded and had to grin as she assumed they wouldn't be able to keep that friendship status for too much longer. ″So I guess I missed the part where you guys went from not talking to each other to being friends again, huh?″

″Yeah, seems like,″ Kim laughed. ″Well, it's nothing impressive. I visited him in Med after his accident. Maybe a little too often. Spent hours with him there in the evening. And we talked. A lot. And at some point we were able to joke again and to laugh together. It just felt so normal and great, like nothing ever happened in between and I felt so good being with him...you know what I mean?″

″Guess I do,″ Erin grinned, remembering the time almost exactly one year ago when she and Jay had been in that stage. That stage of chitchatting about messy bathrooms and her being a messy person, about him admitting how worried he'd been to maybe have lost her forever and how happy he was to have her back. The stage of looking at each other with sparkling, flirty eyes. The stage which had then, some weeks later, eventually led to test-drive her new couch, to reuniting their bodies and souls, to rekindle their relationship, to finally become an official couple.

″But we're just friends,″ Kim assured her friend immediately, interrupting Erin's thoughts.

″If you say so...″ Erin answered with a meaningful undertone in her voice.

″I do and it feels good to be honest. Things between us happened too fast back then. He left his fiancée for me and proposed to me just some months later when we still didn't really know each other. I think that's the main reason why it didn't work. But now we're building up a friendship...and who knows, maybe we can somewhen go on and built up a relationship based on this friendship...just like you and Jay did,″ she winked. ″Or we'll find out that we're better off as friends. But for now I'm okay with the way things are going. It feels good and right now I don't want anything more than this friendship. Because, you know, having this bit of independence isn't that bad either,″ Kim laughed.

″You could be right about that,″ Erin grinned.

″You miss it?″

″What?″

″Your independence.″

″No,″ Erin answered. ″Not really. It's nice to be independent but being with this one person is not too bad either.″

″You know, the other day, when I realized that Adam and I maybe could be a thing again one day, or maybe Sean and me, who knows, I asked myself whether it's not maybe better to find someone who has a different job. I mean, don't you find it somehow gets boring? Boring as in do you even have topics to talk about other than work? Yeah Adam and I have been together before and we managed it quite well but still, sometimes I found work was too much a part of our private life and I imagine there's a lot more to talk about when you don't see the same stuff every day...when you have different stories to tell,″ Kim said pensively.

″I maybe thought about that in the beginning, too. But not for long and I tell you how I feel about it: it's actually really nice to come home in the evening and there's someone who just simply understands. When you can talk about the happenings of the day, the case, the victim, the suspect, and you don't have to explain anything. When the other person knows how you feel because they feel the same. It's not boring at all but rather satisfying. And sometimes, when you don't feel like talking about your day, you don't have to because the other one understands without words as they had the same crappy day like you. It's the best thing, honestly,″ Erin smiled.

″Well wow...I never really saw it from that side and as I never felt about it like this, it's maybe just another hint why our relationship didn't work,″ she said. ″But you just convinced me that I definitely want to date a cop,″ Kim added with a chuckle.

″Just because it's the best and most perfect thing for me doesn't mean it's for you, too,″ Erin laughed.

″Yeah but what you said sounds so...admirable,″ she winked and Erin felt her cheeks blush a little. Never in a million years she had expected to ever have a relationship that was admirable.

They kept on talking about this topic for a little while longer, ordered a new round of cocktails and two different desserts they shared. It was exactly that kind of evening they have needed again to talk about basically everything and it would have been an absolute perfect evening. If Erin didn't have had to pee literally every thirty minutes. Or less.

″You alright?″ Kim frowned when Erin came back to their table for the 4th time that evening.

″Yeah, she has just discovered a new hobby three days ago,″ Erin sighed, placing her hand on her belly. ″Using my bladder as a punching bag for her feet and she preferably does it during the night when I wanna sleep or when I just want to relax on the couch in the evening. Sometimes I even have the feeling she's lying directly on it, uses it as a pillow or whatever,″ she added and tried to hide the complaint in her voice.

″Guess it's getting a little tight in there, huh?″ Kim smiled.

″And she's still getting a lot bigger, great,″ Erin answered and this time she couldn't manage to hide the complaining undertone and the sarcasm.

″Yep, great summs it up pretty good I think,″ Kim winked, ignoring Erin's sarcasm.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded, taking a sip from her cocktail. ″Or maybe I should simply stop drinking for the next fourteen weeks. An empty bladder means no punching bag and no pillow,″ she then shrugged and even had to laugh a little.

″Yeah sure, you should definitely do that, don't drink something ever again,″ Kim laughed.

″Cheers to that,″ Erin grinned and held her glass up.

″Cheers,″ Kim said and clinked her glass with Erin's.

″So we now talked about me and Adam and dating cops and all that stuff but we haven't talked about you and Jay yet,″ Kim said after taking a gulp.

″There's not much to tell though,″ Erin shrugged.

″I just wondered the other day...do both of you still have their own apartment or did I miss something within the last few weeks?″

″Naah, Jay still has his and I have mine. But his lease is up by the end of the year,″ Erin explained.

″Meaning?″ Kim asked back and had to grin a little as she could already tell what that meant and that her friends were taking the next step.

″He's going to move to my place,″ Erin smiled.

″Wow that's great, why didn't you tell me?″ she laughed and acted like she was offended.

″It's not a big deal. We're already spending 80% of our time at my place and we're only at his place occasionally. So it's just about bringing all of his clothes and some personal stuff to my apartment and that's it.″

″Just his clothes? What about his furniture?″ Kim asked.

″There's absolutely no way his furniture will come in my apartment,″ Erin laughed.

″Well, it's basically not your apartment any longer so I assume you meant your together apartment, right?″ Kim winked.

″Yeah, sure,″ Erin chuckled.

″Does his furniture look that ugly or...?″ Kim laughed.

″Kim, you can't imagine. You honestly can't. Plus, I have everything and there's no space for having things twice.″

″Does he know about your plans?″ Kim asked and raised her eyebrows.

″Uhm, not exactly,″ Erin answered and grinned all innocent. ″But he has to accept it. No ugly stuff in my...our apartment.″

″Guess this will get interesting, huh?″

″We'll see,″ Erin answered but she was pretty sure that it wouldn't be a big deal for him to say goodbye to the stuff from his bedroom and his living room. And in case they needed a new, bigger wardrobe or an additional dresser they would simply buy one that fit into the bedroom instead of taking his old, quite ugly one. They needed to buy furniture for the nursery soon anyway, so a visit to the furniture store was inevitable and they could also buy some new stuff for their apartment on that occasion.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Oh my God I'm starving,″ Erin sighed when she locked up her apartment on Thursday evening. The unit had gotten a huge case some days before and they had only finished it today. And as Erin had to do all the paper work, she was the last one who had left the bullpen just some 15 minutes ago. Jay of course had suggested to wait for her but she had told him he doesn't have as the guys had done a late-nigh bust the night before and they all have then stayed in the bullpen, working the case, and hadn't gone home for getting two hours of sleep, so he should rather go home to prepare or order dinner to satisfy her growling stomach, take a hot shower and relax on the couch.

″I think you might be lucky and someone cooked,″ Jay grinned to her from the couch and watched her taking off her shoes and then tossing her bag and her jacket on the floor.

″You're the best,″ she smirked.

″Come here, it still needs some more minutes in the oven.″

″Not sure whether I can take even one more step cause my feet and my back are killing me today,″ she complained but then walked to the couch and joined him, gave him a soft kiss.

″Just lie down and relax,″ Jay ordered as he scanned her face. She looked endlessly tired but after a case like this one, where they all had to do night shifts for three nights in a row, it was understandable that she was anything but full of energy. More than once he and Hank and some of the others as well had told her to go home early and not work until midnight like the the rest of the unit and get a little rest but she had insisted to stay with them and work the case just like all the others as she couldn't go home until the case was closed and the offender was where he belonged: behind bars for the rest of his life. She had just missed the all-nighter last night and Jay was more than glad that she'd went home when they'd left for the bust to get at least the usual short amount of sleep she was used to at the moment.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded and lay down on the couch, her head resting on the armchair and her feet in Jay's lap. ″What did you cook though?″

″Lasagna,″ he answered and started to massage her left foot.

″Yum!″ she grinned and closed her eyes while enjoying the soft pressure of his fingers on the sole of her foot. ″God this is so good, never stop ever again,″ she added with a chuckle.

″Okay,″ Jay smirked and kept on massaging her foot, none of them saying anything for the time being.

″Were you able to finish all the paperwork?″ he asked when he changed to massage her right foot.

″Yep, everything is done and this prick is on his way to Stateville to wait for his trial,″ she yawned.

″Finally,″ Jay said. ″Is it wrong that I somehow hope we don't get a new case tomorrow already?″

″Naah,″ Erin answered. ″This was a tough one and we could all need some time to chill tomorrow.″

″Yeah we could,″ Jay agreed but this wasn't the main reason he didn't want to have a new case. He hoped that they could leave work early tomorrow so he could take Erin out for dinner as they had their one-year-anniversary tomorrow. One year. He couldn't believe how fast this year has passed and how much things have changed ever since they had carried the couch they were sitting on right now into her apartment. The one couch where then exactly six months later their daughter was conceived. He had to grin a little by this thought and looked at Erin's round stomach. Sometimes it was unreal that this has happened, that her birth control pills had stopped working due to antibiotics she had only taken twice that day, that this coincidence now made them parents a whole lot earlier than they would even have started to think about this.

″Guess our dinner is ready,″ he said as the ringing of the alarm on his phone interrupted his thoughts about these past twelve months and stopped his massage.

″On the one hand I can't really say too bad...but on the other hand: too bad,″ she laughed and let him pull her up from the couch.

″How about a little massage for your back after dinner?″ he winked while he took the lasagna from the oven and Erin took some plates from the cupboard.

″I can't wait,″ Erin grinned and they sat down on the table and ate Jay's delicious lasagna. She had to suppress a giggle when she thought about how much of a house husband he was. He was the one who cooked in the evening, he was by far the tidier one of them and she was still the one driving. This would for sure never change.

″This is so good, maybe I should really start paying attention when you cook,″ she chuckled towards the end of their dinner.

″Maybe you should,″ Jay grinned, being a little proud of himself and thanked his mom in silence as she had always kicked his ass to learn cooking and had kept telling him that this was the only way to really impress girls and women these days. And she'd been so damn right.

After finishing their dinner some minutes later, Jay collected their dirty plates and started to do the dishes which was quite a lot as he had used some bowls and pots to make the bolognese sauce.

″Let me give you a hand,″ Erin suggested and joined him at the sink. She felt quite bad that he now also did the dishes when he had already cooked.

″No, no, no,″ he said. ″You will go to the bathroom to take a long and hot bath and then I'll join you to give you the massage.″

″Jay, you don't have to do everything.″

″But I want to, Er,″ he said, placed his hands on her waist and looked into her tired face with worried eyes. ″These past few days were exhausting, so just relax a little, okay?″ he whispered.

″Okay,″ Erin sighed. She was more exhausted than she wanted to admit and she didn't want to see him being so worried about her well-being, so his idea with taking a hot bath wasn't too bad.

″Thank you,″ he said and smiled faintly before crashing her lips with a soft kiss.

Erin went to the bathroom and filled the bathtub with hot water and also filled some bath foam in it. It only took some seconds and the air of the bathroom was filled with the sweet scent of tropical fruits. She stripped her clothes and tossed them into the laundry bin and then laid down in the steamy water, feeling her body relax instantly.

When Jay entered the bathroom ten minutes later she seemed to doze. He sat down on the edge of the tub and brushed some strands out of her face and her eyes fluttered open, a smile surrounding her lips immediately.

″Is it good?″ he asked, stroking her cheek with his thumb and then leaned down to kiss her forehead.

″So damn good, you can't imagine,″ she chuckled. ″Wanna join me?″

″Naah, this bathtub is too small for the both of us. But we can take a bath together the next time when we're in Wisconsin,″ he said and raised his eyebrow, a naughty grin appearing on his lips.

″Sounds like a plan,″ she smirked and closed her eyes again to enjoy some more minutes in the warm water.

Jay stayed with her and then made sure that she didn't slip when she got out of the bathtub. She dried herself off, covered her wet hair in a turban she formed out of her towel, slipped into some panties, sweatpants and a wide shirt.

″So you still wanna have that massage, right?″ Jay asked, watching her how she put on some cozy socks.

″Hell yes,″ she answered and sat down on the toilet lit and stripped her shirt again, basically telling him that she was ready.

He covered his palms with her new almond oil and started with massaging her uptight shoulders and then moved down further, putting some more almond oil on her back in between, until he was at her lower back which was the part of her body that ached most at the moment.

″Oh damn, this is great,″ she moaned as he massaged circles onto her skin with his thumbs with quite some pressure that helped her uptight muscles to relax.

″So does it help?″ he asked, being a little proud.

″Definitely. Can you please never stop?″ she chuckled.

″Can't promise that but let's try,″ he laughed and kept on massaging her lower back until his thumbs started to ache and he had to stop.

″Sorry babe but that's it for today. In case my thumbs recover until tomorrow we can repeat this,″ he whispered into her ear from behind.

″Thank you,″ she said and turned around to him, intertwined her hands behind his neck as he was still kneeling on the floor, and placed a grateful kiss on his lips. ″This was the best massage ever and I can't wait for the next one.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay had his feet propped up on the coffee table when they were sitting on the couch later that evening. As always when they watched TV, Jay had his arm wrapped around Erin's shoulder and she was curled into his side, her head resting on his chest. He softly tickled up and down her arm, inhaled the sweet, tropical scent of her bath foam and had to grin when he looked down into her face. Shortly after they have taken their usual spots on the couch she had fallen asleep and she hasn't waked up within the last two hours. She really needed a good sleep so Jay has covered her with a blanket and let her sleep on his side because he didn't want her to wake up by carrying her to the bedroom. She still didn't sleep too well during the night, got either kicked all the time or had to pee every hour, so he wanted to give her all the sleep as long as she was able to sleep, especially after these exhausting and stressful days.

Jay kept on watching TV for a little while longer, listened to her steady breathing, when suddenly Erin jerked awake and gasped for air.

″Ouch,″ she moaned and grimaced in pain while her hand went to the upper part of her belly.

″What's wrong?″ Jay asked immediately, his voice filled with panic. He felt how his heart started to race in his chest by the inevitable thought that all the stress of the last days has maybe caused preterm labor. 14 weeks early.

″This was a targeted kick directly into my ribs,″ she said and inhaled deeply and Jay felt all the stress falling from his body instantly.

″This really hurts,″ she complained, still rubbing the aching part of her body.

″I'm sorry,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her temple. ″Does it get better?″

″Yeah, a little. But guess what, someone is hella awake now,″ she yawned. ″She's a little devil and can't let me sleep for even one minute.″

″Er, you just slept for two-and-a-half hours,″ Jay chuckled.

″Did I?″ she frowned and not only looked completely surprised but also sounded surprised.

″Yep,″ he nodded. ″She's not a devil because she knew you needed a good sleep and therefore let you sleep,″ he winked while his hand found its well-known spot on her stomach.

″Well then I take it back...for now,″ she grinned and snuggled deeper into his embrace again to watch TV for another thirty minutes before they headed for their bedroom.

″Happy one-year-anniversary,″ he mumbled into her hair after midnight and also placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. At this point Erin was already asleep again but Jay couldn't sleep yet. His thoughts too much revolved around this past year, the year that has been the happiest and best of his life yet. He thought back to that day one year ago, to the case where Ruzek had almost lost his badge, and to making coffee in the break room when she had joined him and had casually asked him for a couch guy, had then just playfully raised her eyebrow when he had asked her about what was in there for him which was enough for him to fall for her charms and tell her she could count on him. He had to grin when he remembered how they had talked about function and form throughout the day, how they had flirted when he had suggested to simply test-drive the couch which she had answered with yet another of her famous eyebrow-raises and had then joked that she was hoping they were talking about the same thing. And his grin even grew as he thought back to the evening of that day when his joke about test-driving the couch became real...

″ _I think you actually got both.″_

″ _Function and form?″_

″ _Like me. I have some rugged good looks plus some razor sharp mind. It's rare but when it comes together...″ Jay said and before he was able to finish Erin leaned in and placed a short kiss on his lips but the taste of her lips and the feeling of her lips on his again, was enough to bring all the memories back. Memories of all the kisses they had shared before, memories of her severing all ties with him, memories of her risking her life to save his, memories of the moment of relieve when he had seen her standing in that villa, realizing that she had kept her promise to always have his back no matter how deep inside that rabbit hole she's been, knowing that she would save him no matter what._

 _He would have lied if he said he hasn't seen this coming as all the spark and all the flirt has definitely made a comeback within the last few weeks. But yet he was still surprised by this situation and for a short moment he didn't know what to think about this unexpected kiss, wasn't sure what she wanted. Did she just want to have some fun and more or less play with him? And did she want him to forget all the things that happened in between ending their affair and this little kiss now? And what had he actually expected to happen this evening? Did he come here for the fun? Because he has hoped that something like this would happen? And was he able to forget how she'd hurt him with the way she dealt with everything after Nadia's death? He wasn't even sure what he really wanted._

″ _This was for never giving up on me,″ she said and her thankful eyes looked directly into his._

 _Jay knew that after Nadia's death she hadn't been herself, had been a person who was drowning in guilt and grief but as he now looked into her perfect face, the littlest of smiles surrounding her lips, dimples forming in the corners of her mouth and smelled the sweet scent of her perfume, he realized that this was the woman he has fallen in love with two years ago already. Realized that she was what he wanted. He wanted to taste her lips again, wanted to touch her skin again, wanted to be with her again because his heart already pounded in chest only from looking at her, from the way she looked at him. Regardless all the things that happened, he wanted her. More than anything else._

 _He came closer to her face, placed his hand on her neck so his thumb could stroke her jaw and leaned in to return her kiss in the softest way possible, the feeling of his lips meeting hers sending chills down his spine._

″ _What was that for?″ she asked him after their kiss and her smile grew wider._

″ _It's 'cause I wanted to kiss you,″ he answered softly but yet all serious._

 _She looked at him with angel-eyes, her face only cenitmeters away from his, this soft, angelic smile still on her lips as they both leaned in and melted their lips in another soft kiss. As this soft kiss turned into a passionate one that showed all the feelings they had for each other. As he placed his hands on her waist and took her into his lap. As she cradled his head with her hands while their tongues caressed each other. As he then turned them around and softly pushed her into the cushions of her new couch. As a little later the heat went through them when they reunited their bodies and souls by making love. As they then lay in her bed long after midnight, all snuggled up to each other, so they could wake up together on the following morning. Stay the night, this has always been the most important request for Erin, so of course Jay stayed the night. He would much more stay forever._

 _ **It's the way she fills my senses**_

 _ **It's the perfume that she wears**_

 _ **I feel I'm losing my defences**_

 _ **To the color of her hair**_

 _ **And every little piece of her is right**_

 _ **Just thinking about her**_

 _ **Takes me through the night**_

 _ **Every time we meet**_

 _ **The picture is complete**_

 _ **Every time we touch**_

 _ **This feeling is too much**_

 _ **She's all I ever need**_

 _ **To fall in love again**_

 _ **I knew it from the very start**_

 _ **She's the puzzle of my heart**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin woke up in the middle of the night because she had to go to the toilet just like she had to every night at the moment. She unwrapped herself from the blanket and shuffled to the bathroom, came back to the bedroom some minutes later and lay down again. But also just like every night, her baby girl once again tried to improve her soccer skills and kicked her all the time. Erin suppressed a long sigh as she turned to her back and stared to the ceiling and listened to Jay's quiet, familar snoring right next to her. Some weeks ago, when he had been at the hospital, she had realized how used she was to him lying next to her, to hear him breathing, to feel his closeness, to see him sleeping peacefully and how weird it had felt when his side of the bed was all empty and cold and she had to sleep alone. How something that had been quite unimaginable for her one year ago, overcoming all her issues, falling for him completely and spending every night with him, has become something so normal, something she didn't want to miss anymore.

One year. It was unreal and she couldn't believe that it's already been a year since her life changed for the better. That Jay has in fact become her life within the past 366 days. That she would feel this deep, endless love for him one day and that she didn't want to be without him ever again was something she hadn't expected when she had asked him for being her couch guy exactly one year ago. In first place she had asked him because she wanted to spend time with him, because he had the unique ability to make her feel so damn good, lighthearted, she could laugh with him, joke with him. And yeah, also flirt with him. And maybe she had asked him because she had hoped deep down inside that they could go back to be more than just partners...

″ _I think you actually got both.″_

″ _Function and form?″_

″ _Like me. I have some rugged good looks plus some razor sharp mind. It's rare but when it comes together...″ While he said these words she looked at him and had to grin. He was so serious about this but as if he had to convince her from his rugged good looks and his other qualities. She knew. And she also knew, no matter how serious he was about this now, he was just joking, flirting like they have done so often in the last weeks._

 _When she had asked him to help her with the couch, it had also been her intention to say thank you that he had never given up on her when he has had every reason to. Say thank you for somehow saving her, for bringing her back to where she belonged, for always believing in her. But now she didn't really know how to start this conversation as it was quite hard for her to talk about all of this, to kinda relive things she was anything but proud of._

 _Out of an impulse and without thinking about it any further, maybe attracted by his piercing blue eyes and encouraged by the fact how much they have flirted with each other throughout the last weeks and also throughout the day, she leaned in and placed a short kiss on his lips._

″ _This was for never giving up on me,″ she said as he just looked at her without saying anything and she locked eyes with him and tried to interpret the glance in his eyes. Surprised but yet there was something else and she knew there were some things going on in his head right now. Maybe she's gone too far, maybe he was overstrained with this sudden and unexpected way of showing her gratitude, of showing him how much he meant to her and how thankful she was to still have him in her life, of kinda showing him her feelings._

 _But then Jay came closer to her face, still looking directly into her eyes, brought his hand up to her face and only this soft touch was already enough to send chills down Erin's spine. Within the next second he leaned in and kissed her lips. It was the softest kiss they have shared yet, almost shy as if he asked her lips for permission. Feeling his lips melting with hers again made Erin's heart fluttering in her chest while she tried to figure out why he has also kissed her. Her kiss had been her way of saying thank you, but what was this?_

″ _What was that for?″ Erin asked after the kiss but she couldn't hide her smile._

″ _It's 'cause I wanted to kiss you,″ Jay answered and his words made her heart fluttering even more. He wanted what she wanted._

 _Once again she looked into his eyes that always attracted her so much, even saw the littlest of smiles forming in the corners of his mouth and she knew the one moment was only seconds away. The moment where they would show each other how they felt, how much they meant to each other, how all the deep feelings have never gone but were still the same. The moment where no more words were needed._

 _For the third time this evening their lips met for a soft kiss which then turned into a more intense one where also their tongues met for the first time in what felt like forever. What started with his hands on her waist and her hands cradling his neck also turned in more intense touches once they lay down on the couch, canoodling like two teenagers who are a little out of control, experiencing all their feelings for the first time, and then completely went out of control when they started to undress each other in between little giggles and soft smiles, but still in a slow pace, always giving the other time to decide whether this was okay for them. But of course it was. In fact, it was more than just okay. It was the beginning of what they've both always wanted..._

 _ **It's the way he's always smiling**_

 _ **That makes me think he never cries**_

 _ **I feel I'm losing my defences**_

 _ **Through the color of his eyes**_

 _ **Like a miracle he's meant to be**_

 _ **He became the light inside of me**_

 _ **And I can feel him like a memory**_

 _ **From long...ago**_

 _ **Every time we meet**_

 _ **The picture is complete**_

 _ **Every time we touch**_

 _ **This feeling is too much**_

 _ **He's all I ever need**_

 _ **To fall in love again**_

 _ **I knew it from the very start**_

 _ **He's the puzzle of my heart**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

On the following morning, Erin woke up before their alarm was ringing, thanks to her baby girl who once again kicked her awake. She turned from her side to her back and a wide smile spread over her face when she saw in the corner of her eyes how Jay was staring at her with a fond smile on his face and literally heart-eyes. This was one of the best feelings in the world, looking at him only to realize that he was already staring at her.

″Good morning,″ he grinned.

″Good morning,″ she also said and stretched her body. ″Back at being the all creepy starer?″ she then chuckled and turned to her side so she could face him.

″Totally,″ he grinned and nodded. ″You know what happened a year ago today?″ His grin even grew wider by this question.

″One year ago today? Let me think a minute,″ she chuckled.

″I give you some seconds, max,″ he joked, knowing exactly that she was just teasing him.

″I think one year ago I bought the couch that changed my life...twice,″ she laughed and slightly shook her head.

″Mhm,″ Jay nodded, the cutest little smirk on his lips. He brushed some strands out of her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb before he continued speaking, his voice being all serious this time.

″You know, every morning when I wake up and look at you I ask myself how I got to be so lucky to have you in my life and then I realize that I must be the luckiest man on this planet because I found a real diamond. The most precious, beautiful, perfect, sparkling, uncut diamond in the world. Thank you for the best 366 days in my life so far,″ he said and kissed her lips that seemed to be a bit speechless. ″I can't wait for the next ten thousands of days with you. And thank you for this. I know what you sacrifice at the moment,″ he murmured and placed his hand on the side of her stomach as they both gazed down to her bump.

″I have to thank you, Jay″ she said with a raspy voice and cleared her throat. ″For one year already, every day when I look at you I ask myself how I even deserve someone like you. You are the most caring, understanding, loving and protective man I know and you have the unique ability to make me feel so damn special. You know that having a baby was never on my agenda but if there is one person on this planet I want to have a family with, it's you. It's always been you. I know this might sound a bit corny now, but...you are my light in the darkness...you really are Jay. So thank you for always being there for me, for believing in me, for understanding me, for accepting me,″ she said, ran her hand through his hair and then brought her face closer to his to kiss his lips, that were also a little speechless now.

Jay was sure that they could easily use exactly these words for their wedding vows one day but yet it was only what they wanted to tell each other after being together for one year already and it just showed how deep this connection, how unconditional this love was between them.

″I love you,″ he whispered and kissed her again.

″And I love you,″ she smiled after their kiss.

″It was a crazy year that went by crazy fast, don't you think?″

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″And it's going to be a lot crazier once this little lady is here.″

″It is,″ he agreed and pulled her closer to his body to enjoy half an hour of early morning cuddles and dozing in each other's arms.

Throughout the day it became clear that Jay's wish of not getting a new case got fullfilled and they all just finished some old paperwork Erin has refused to do for her lazy colleagues and when everyone was finished by the late afternoon, Hank sent them all home early.

So in the evening Jay took Erin out for a romantic candlelight dinner at the restaurant in downtown where Erin had opened up to him for the first time years ago. Where the words 'maybe one day' had come from her lips, which he had answered with 'oh definitely'. It was one of the conversations Jay was sure he would never forget. And now, almost three years later, they celebrated in the exact same place that their one day had happened 366 days ago.

They enjoyed a beautiful, easy-going evening with lots of laughters, giggles and sparkling eyes. It was nothing spectecular, was most likely not even as spectecular as their 6-month-celebration, but it was perfect nonetheless. They had a serious relationship so this kind of evening and celebrating suited the occasion and the things that were about to come in the next few weeks and months perfectly. Things like moving in together, having a baby together and maybe even more...

* * *

 **Hope you liked it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think :) I go on vacation for two weeks tomorrow and as I won't take my laptop with me I will most likely not be able to update! So, see you in two weeks! :)**


	27. Safe Haven

**I'm back from vacation and as I don't want to let you wait for too long, here comes the new chapter. And thanks for the reviews again! :)**

 **I still own nada.**

* * *

 **27\. Safe Haven**

Their anniversary weekend ended sudden when the unit got a huge case on Sunday and they all had to work basically day and night again. But no matter how hard and eager they worked and how many leads they followed, their case was a bit up in the wind and the whole team got a little worried and desperate that they would maybe, for the first time in a long, long time, not be able to close a case, when especially this was one of the cases that needed to be solved.

″Erin, in my office,″ Hank ordered out of nowhere on Tuesday morning after they all have tried to put some more pieces together for the last two hours without too much success. Erin gave Jay a short, confused look as she didn't know what this was about. She hasn't done anything that required a conversation with just her and Hank and things were still not back to normal between the two of them after she had visited Eddie. She also hasn't exactly told him yet what had happened inside of the prison but she knew Hank was smart enough to figure it out himself.

″Come on, it's nothing bad,″ he sighed as he also didn't miss the serious questionmarks in Erin's face and she finally followed him into his office.

″Take a seat.″

″Nah, thanks, I'm fine,″ she answered and crossed her arms in defence in front of her chest.

″How are you feeling?″ he asked and Erin furrowed a brow while gazing at him. She still couldn't figure out what he wanted from her. After not talking too much during the last few months this was quite an awkward question.

″Hank what do you want?″ she asked back. She knew exactly that this conversation was not about her and how she felt. This was just the beginning of something deeper.

″Can't I ask you how you are feeling? I mean you're pregnant and I'm your boss, so this is a legitimate question.″

″I'm fine and if I wasn't I'd tell you. So, what is this about?″ She didn't want to have another conversation about the baby and the pregnancy with him. The last time they had talked about it he still hasn't been a fan of her pregnancy and she doubted that this has changed in the meantime.

″Is your apartment already prepared for a child?″ Hank then asked casually and for a moment Erin thought she hasn't heard right.

″Excuse me?″ she frowned.

″Is it?″ he only repeated half of the question.

″Of course not. We have three more months left to go. So could you please just spit out whatever you want to tell or ask me? Because otherwise..-″

″Olivia is coming,″ he interrupted her. She hadn't expected this answer and still was a little confused what all of this had to do with her.

″Well...that's nice, isn't it?″ she replied, shrugging her shoulders.

″I phoned with her yesterday and talked about the case and she said she somehow knows the pattern. They have unsolved homicides in New York that have some disturbing similarities with ours. Just some minutes ago we phoned again and I begged her to come and she agreed. So she's coming this afternoon.″

″That's great. We could really need her on this one,″ Erin agreed, still waiting for him to say something that required this conversation to be in private.

″We do. And I have a special job for you.″

″Am I actually allowed to DO something, instead of just sitting around and filling out papers?″ she asked sardonically.

″More or less.″

″What is that supposed to mean?″ There was already that kind of snapping undertone in her voice again as Hank was talking in secrets but she tried to keep it under control. For now.

″Olivia actually has two weeks off at the moment and she just comes because I begged her to. So naturally, she also gave her nanny some time off, what means she has to bring Noah and someone has to look after him during the day. And that's where you come in.″ He smiled. She wasn't smiling.

″You gotta be kidding! I'm not going to play housewife or nanny or whatsoever for the next days while you guys are going to solve the case!″ she answered and no later than now she didn't have her voice under control anymore.

″I'm not. And anyways, this is the best way for you to adjust your future life. You can't get a better practice,″ he said, opposite to her being totally calm, and gazed at her with a piercing glance.

″No. Way,″ she replied angrily and was about to leave his office.

″This is the life you chose, Erin,″ he said casually. Erin had to admit he was right somehow, this was the life she chose indeed but she also knew he's only said it to provoke her, so she immediately turned around again by these words, shooting him a death glare that could easily put him six feet under. He could tell from her furious facial expressions that she wanted to throw him something in his face but somehow she was able to control herself. Instead she stayed quiet and waited for him to say something more, which basically meant that she agreed to his plan without speaking it out loud. She didn't have a chance anyway and no matter what she was going to say, it would end up in another fight with him.

″Good,″ he finally said and that special grin flited over his lips. Erin still didn't say anything at all, just nodded slightly.

″She is going to arrive at your place around two this afternoon. So you can stay here until one and go home then.″

Erin didn't answer, she didn't nod. She just turned around, walked out of his office, didn't forget to slam the door, grabbed her jacket from the chair and literally ran out of the bullpen as she wasn't able to stay in there for even one more second without having a fit of rage.

Now Jay was even more confused and looked over to his colleagues but although they all were obviously curious about what had happened in Hank's office they just shrugged their shoulders and watched Erin disappear. For a split second Jay wasn't sure whether he should go to Voight and ask him what had happened or whether he should follow Erin but it didn't take him long to decide to better look after his girlfriend.

He found her outside, clearly in a rage and he could tell by her behavior that she really wanted to give something a punch. Or someone.

″So what happened in there?″ he asked her, standing relatively close behind her. She hadn't seen him coming and immediately turned around by the sound of his voice so close to her ear.

″Don't ask,″ she snapped.

″Okay,″ he simply answered and sat down on the steps, anxiously watching her how she paced up and down in front of him. Neither of them said a word for the next minutes.

″He drives me up the walls,″ she finally said and gave the tyre of their car a frustrated kick with her foot.

″Guess you're talking about Hank, huh?″ he asked and the glance he got back from her was more than just icy.

″Surprisingly you're not the one who drives me nuts this time, yeah,″ she answered and bit her lips. Jay tried to ignore her remark. He blamed it on the pregnancy hormones that she was that moody again. In addition, Hank had obviously pissed her off, so all of this wasn't a good combination at all.

″So what?″ he simply asked her, looking at her as he waited for an explanation.

″Olivia is coming this afternoon to help us with the case. Actually, to help you with the case. Because I'm not in it. Hank upgraded me. To be Noah's nanny for the next days,″ she answered and her voice was bitter.

Jay furrowed a brow while still looking at her as he tried to figure out whether this was really the cause for her current mood. But obviously it was.

″Honestly Er, I can't see your problem there. You like Noah and he likes you. So, just have some nice and easy days with him and enjoy it.″

″Oh you can't see the problem?″ she snapped. ″The problem is how Hank told me. He exactly knows how I feel about being on desk duty. That it bothers me more than anything else. That I hate it. And that I can't imagine a life with a baby and as a mom yet. He knows all of that, what means he did that on purpose. He wanted to see my reaction. All he wanted to do here was provoking me!″ she said and her voice was rising even more.

″And he won.″ Jay simply replied.

″He didn't.″

″He did and you know it. You totally jumped up on that. You did exactly what he expected you to do,″ he answered and totally scanned her to see her reaction.

″What else should I've done you think? Huh?″ she asked, still being clearly annoyed.

″You should've accepted it Erin. Instead of letting him upset you and running away you simply should've said 'okay, I'll do it' and that's it. But now he won again. He knows exactly that this is the point you're most vulnerable at the moment as well as he still isn't a fan of our...situation. So he tries to tantalize us whenever he senses a situation to do so,″ he said with a calm voice, stood up, and wrapped his arms around her from behind. ″You know, don't feed the troll,″ he whispered in her ear and laughed.

She turned around, looked him in the eyes and tried to smile. With just these words and his calm attitude he had somehow managed to calm her down wihtout even doing much. At least a bit.

″So, what am I doing now? Going back in and eat humble pie?″ she laughed sarcastically.

″Nah, just simply do what you always do when he orders something,″ he paused. ″Or let's put it that way: what you normally should do when he orders something. Simply do it,″ he grinned.

″You know, I think you're right,″ she nodded.

″Say that again,″ he chuckled and gave her a little wink.

″No way. One time is enough,″ she grinned. That smile. There it was again. That sweet little smile that surrounded her lips and constantly drove him crazy.

″So can we go back in then?″

″You can go back in before you get sick. I think I should rather clean up the apartment now and buy some groceries before Noah and Liv are arriving.″

″Are you serious?″ Jay asked and raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

″Totally. I take my job serious,″ she winked, kissed him shortly and then just turned around, ready to go.

″W...Wait...you...you can't just simply go now,″ he said, his words being more of a splutter than anything else.

″Oh Jay believe me, I can. Tell Hank...well, actually I don't care what the hell you tell him. Feel free to tell him whatever you want,″ she glanced at him with a combative look in her eyes.

″Erin,″ he pleaded and his voice almost sounded a bit desperate. Erin was sure he just didn't want to be the one to talk with Hank now, but she didn't want to either, so she left that on her boyfriend.

″I love you,″ she grinned, got into her car and drove off with squeaking tyres and Jay only shook his head as he watched her driving away. This woman, his girl in fact, would never be able to slow down and take things easy for sure.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The first thing Erin did when she got home was turning on the music. It had to be loud. Really loud. She changed her jeans to some leggins and her pullover to an old T-shirt that was literally to small for the current size of her stomach. She put on some boxing gloves and vented her spleen on the punching bag for the next twenty minutes. Afterwards she felt better. Much better. Meanwhile, the baby inside her belly used its own punching bag and didn't stop kicking her while she was boxing.

″You're mommy's girl, huh?″ Erin said after she had finished her little workout and rubbed her belly on the place where she has just felt her daughter kick. As if she wanted to agree, she kicked against her hand several times. Erin laughed, put the boxing gloves back into the closet and started cleaning the apartment a bit, that was, thanks to Jay, pretty tidy already. So she only had to vacuum the living room, to clean the bathroom and to change the sheets in the bedroom.

After she had finished this unloved housewifely work, she took a quick shower and then headed to the grocery store around the corner to buy some fruits, vegetables and juices and to fill up her half-empty fridge in general.

She has just been home for half an hour when the bell rang. She got up from the couch and smiled when she saw Liv and Noah standing right in front of her door. Liv had her hands full with dozen of bags and seemed to be a bit overstrained with coordinating everything.

″Hey guys, how are you doing?″ Erin greeted them and looked down to Noah who tried to hide behind Liv's leg.

″Hey there,″ Liv replied a little breathlessly.

″Give me some of them,″ Erin said and reached out for two of the bags in Liv's hands.

″Thank you,″ Liv said and hugged Erin as she now had at least one of her hands free. Only now she recognized that there was in fact a belly.

″Wait...what? I didn't have a clue. How did I miss that?″ She had a bright smile on her face when she saw Erin's swollen stomach all obvious in her tight T-shirt.

Erin looked down to her feet, felt her cheeks blush a little and felt bad that she has never told Olivia although they had phoned two or three times ever since she had found out about her pregnancy. But somehow the moment had never been right.

″Well, we didn't want to talk it big,″ she said and her answer came shy and embarrassed.

″Yeah, I notice that,″ Liv laughed and Erin relaxed a little when she realized that she didn't seem to be too mad.

″So, don't you guys want to come in first?″ she then asked and got down on her knees to talk to Noah. ″How are you doing boy, huh? Do you remember me?″ A shy smile got on his face when he nodded but he didn't say anything.

Liv placed her bags in the hall and placed Noah's blanket and some toys next to the couch. The little boy of course started playing with them instantly and seemed to be pretty unimpressed by his new surroundings.

″Dou you want to drink something?″ Erin asked and walked over to the kitchen.

″Yeah, water would be fine, thank you.″

Erin brought two glasses of water and sat down next to Liv on the couch, giving her one of them.

″Cheers,″ Liv said, clinking glasses with Erin.

″Yeah...cheers,″ Erin laughed.

″So...congratulations.″

″Thank you. Hank didn't tell you anything earlier either?″

″Not a word. He just told me he has someone who'll take care of Noah while I'm here and when I was skeptical he said it is someone whom he trusts with his life.″

″Wow,″ Erin mumbled. After everything that had happened between her and Hank within the last few months she hasn't expected him to praise her in such a way. ″He actually told you about that plan before telling me.″

″Ouh, nice one.″ Liv laughed.

″Yeah right?″

″Right. So tell me about...this,″ she said and pointed to Erin's belly.

″Well, where to start? It wasn't exactly planned to be honest.″

″Didn't assume it was. But you know what: the unplanned things in life always turn out to be the best ones,″ she winked.

″Hope so,″ Erin sighed, sipping on her glass again.

″So you have already been pregnant when you guys were in New York in June, right?″

″Yeah, but little did I know back then that I was already around seven to eight weeks.″

″What? Eight weeks? How far along are you?″ Liv asked while glancing at Erin's swollen stomach with raised eyebrows.

″Almost 28 weeks.″

″Wow, you don't look like that. I thought around 25 max.″

″Yeah, she's a small one,″ Erin shrugged and looked down to her stomach where her little troublemaker was all awake again, giving her some nice rib kicks.

″She?″ Liv echoed, a big smile appearing on her lips.

″Yup. Baby Halstead's a girl,″ Erin answered but her voice wasn't as excited as Liv was used to know from other mothers-to-be.

″Come on, at least try to be happy. Pregnancy is the best thing that can happen to someone.″ Liv tried to encourage her somehow but it didn't work out.

″You know, I really don't understand why people keep telling that lie. Because it's not. My clothes don't fit anymore, these bloody hormones drive me crazy, I'm getting fat, I can't sleep at night, my ribs are a soccer field, my bladder is a punching bag and the worst thing is I can't do my job in the way I want to do my job.″

″Can you just stop complaining for a second? Pregnancy is not a given and some women would die for experiencing all that,″ Liv said quietly and made Erin feel bad and uncomfortable with it. And Liv was right after all, being able to grow a baby was something not every woman was allowed to experience.

″I'm sorry...″

″Don't be. I have that little boy now and he makes me complete,″ she said with a smile and gazed towards Noah who was peacefully playing with his cars. ″Just be thankful for the miracle you're allowed to experience and allowed to be part of. I would've given everything to feel a baby kick inside of me one day...″

″I have to admit, this is truly something special,″ Erin answered and this time her smile was real. No matter how bugged she was from the constant movements and kicks sometimes, it was also a beautiful feeling and it helped her to know that her baby was doing fine.

″What about Jay? Is he as 'excited' as you are?″

″You know, when they tell you that pregnant women have that special pregnancy glow? I know I don't have it and I'm okay with it. But Jay has it. I've never seen his eyes sparkling like this than when he places his hand on my belly and feels her kicking. Especially the first time he felt her, that was pure magic and I will never forget that bright and unbelieveable smile on his face ever again. I've never seen him smiling that way than when his head rests on my belly and he listens and talks to her. Actually, I've never seen him this entirely happy before. And just for that it's all worth it.″ Erin didn't notice how much she smiled herself while she was talking about Jay.

″Well wow, this is the first time that you actually look happy.″ Liv noticed. ″Guess that's what love is all about, huh?″

Erin grinned. ″Yeah, I think it is.″

″Mommy, play with me.″ Noah came walking to the couch and grabbed his mother's Hand, wanted her to pull to his toys.

″Mommy has to go to work sweetheart. But Erin's going to play with you all day, okay?″ He didn't look satisfied and like he was okay with this at all.

Erin got up from the couch, went to the kitchen and came back with a little present in her hands.

″Look, this is for you,″ Erin smiled and handed it to Noah. Immediately the boys eyes brightened up.

″What do we say Noah?″ Liv asked her son who was all busy with unpacking.

″Thank you.″

″Your welcome,″ Erin answered, being glad to see that Noah obviously liked the helicopter and the stuffed dino she had bought for him to somehow break the ice. ″He's gorgeous. And he's getting so big.″

″Yeah, they grow fast. You'll realize that soon enough,″ Liv grinned just before Erin's ringing phone interupted them.

″Hank?...- Yes she's here...- I'll tell her...-Bye,″ Erin answered, her voice still being clearly pissed.

″Hank?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded. ″He wanted me to tell you he wants you at the district asap.″

″Guess I shouldn't keep him waiting,″ Liv sighed and got up.

″Better not. What about having a nice girls evening in here tonight?″

″Sounds perfect to me. What about Jay?″

″He will be happy to spend the evening at Mollys with the boys.″

″Alright. You know a good hotel close to the district?″ Liv asked while putting on her jacket.

″You don't need a hotel. You and Noah can sleep here of course. You two can have my bedroom.″

″I don't let you sleep on the couch,″ Liv protested.

″Acutally it's a nice couch,″ Erin laughed but of course Liv didn't get what she meant.

″Huh?″

″Uhm, nothing, sorry,″ Erin said, trying to put the thought away that their daughter was in fact conceived on that couch and that Jay and her had rekindled their relationship on that couch as well. ″Despite the fact that I could sleep on the couch easily, because you know, I'm just pregnant, not sick to death, I won't. I will go to Jay's for the night. So this apartment is all yours and Noah's.″

″Thank you. I appreciate it.″ Liv smiled and went over to Noah's blanket and knelt down next to him.

″Do you have fun with your new toys?″

″Mhm,″ he nodded.

″I'm going to work now. Erin will be with you for the day, okay?″

″Yaah.″

″Fine, I love you,″ she said and placed a kiss on his forehead but Noah was still more curious about his toys than about his mom.

″Everything you need for him is in his bag,″ she said to Erin and pointed to the blue bag that was placed in the hall. ″Diapers, but he usually only needs them for the night anyway, his binky, his blanket, his clothes, his favorite book and the stuffy he needs for sleeping. I left the buggy down in the lobby as well as his car seat.″

″You brought his car seat?″ Erin frowned.

″Well it's the car seat from the car rental service, but anyway, how else should I transport him in a car while I'm here?″ Liv laughed.

″You got a point there.″

″So, I think you have everything you need. He already ate something after we landed but I think he'll need his nap soon. Just enjoy your day and call me if there's anything.″

″We'll be fine,″ Erin assured her. And maybe herself, too.

″I know,″ Liv said and left the apartment but she turned around just before Erin wanted to close the door. ″Ah, he can be feisty these days.″

″Great, thanks for the early warning,″ Erin laughed.

″Save the best for last,″ Liv also laughed and waved her goodbye.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″So Noah, would you mind if I play with you?″ Erin asked and sat down next to the toddler.

″Here,″ he answered with a bright smile and gave Erin some of his beloved cars.

They've played together for about an hour when Erin recognized that Noah more and more rubbed his eyes.

″Are you tired?″

″Noooo,″ he said and shook his head vehement.

″Are you sure? Because I think you are,″ Erin answered and ran her fingers through his dark brown hair.

″No. Playing,″ he said and grabbed some more toys.

″You know, I think it's time for a quick nap, what do you think?″

″Nooooo,″ he cried and threw one of his cars against the wall.

 _Amazing,_ Erin thought, _now you have to handle a two-and-a-half-year-old with a major meltdown._ She sighed. Now she knew what Liv meant when she'd said he was a bit feisty at the moment.

″Listen, Noah..-″

″Nooooo,″ he cried again and threw another toy away from him. He was clearly super tired but Erin had no idea how to convince him to take a nap and felt a bit helpless and overstrained at first. Then she stood up, went over to the blue bag and grabbed his blanket, his stuffy, the binky and the book and brought it to the bedroom. She built a wall with some pillows so he wouldn't fall out of the bed, took the book and went back to the living room.

″Noah...-″

″Nooooooo,″ he immediately started to cry again. She sat down next to him, stroked his head.

″You see what I have here,″ she said calmly and showed him the book. His eyes, that were filled with tears, focused on her and he finally nodded without having another meltdown.

″I make you a suggestion. We'll go over to the bedroom-″ He was about to start protesting again and Erin noticed that using the word bed maybe wasn't the best idea. She just laid her finger on her lips and surprisingly Noah stopped and just gazed at her with big, tired eyes.

″Hold on boy. I will lie down with you and we're going to read it together, okay? You and me. Both of us, alright?″ she asked him and prayed that he would finally accept it.

Noah nodded and Erin exhaled a deep breath. She stood up, picked Noah up from the floor and carried him to the bedroom. They lay down together, with Noah resting on Erin's side and in her arm. She gave him his stuffy and the binky, covered his blanket over him and started to read one of the stories, showing him some pictures from time to time. It didn't even take ten minutes and Noah was in dreamland, peacefully sleeping next to her and Erin felt a little proud that she has managed this situation.

She waited some more minutes to be assure that Noah slept soundly before softly pushing him aside and getting up. She went back to the living room and tried to figure out what to do next. She quickly came to the conclusion that there was nothing she could do. Despite the toys that Noah had spread around in the living room everything was perfectly clean and it only took her some seconds to bring all of the toys back to the blanket.

It's only been some minutes that she had nothing to do and she already was more than bored. She was not that kind of person who could just sit around doing nothing and wait for something to happen. She needed something to do, a challenge. Anything. She tried not to think about the fact, that this was how her life would look like in about three short months. Being at home with a newborn that would sleep all day. Doing nothing else than changing diapers, feeding that tiny little person and staring at walls. Just thinking about it let her cringe. It was unimaginable for her to survive only one day like this. She loved her job. It was one of the most important things in her life and she lived for it. Her job actually defined her. She was who she was thanks to her job in Intelligence and she didn't want to be anyone different. Being on desk duty was already hard, but at least she had to do something and didn't feel completely useless. When she thought about how much all of this would change once the baby was born she had to fight back her tears. This wasn't the kind of life she wanted. The kind of life she could handle. This was her worst nightmare. Not actually having a baby, but all the things that came with it.

″Calm down Erin,″ she told herself as she felt tears soaring up again. She took some deep breaths and went to the kitchen, pulled out some vegetables of the fridge and started to cut them. Maybe they'd need them for dinner, maybe not. She didn't care. All she cared about at the moment was that she had something to do that prevented her from thinking about this one topic too much.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Noah woke up about an hour later. At this point, Erin had not only cut the vegetables, she'd already finished cooking dinner. She and Noah played with the cars for another while before they started building houses and towers with Lego bricks and Erin was a little amazed by the variety of toys Liv has managed to bring to Chicago. Now she knew why her friend's had literally hundred bags in her hands.

″This is going to be a high one, huh?″

″Yaah,″ the toddler answered all smiles. Noah stood up and built the tower higher and higher until it got too high for him to reach.

″Wait a second, I'll get you,″ Erin said when she saw that Noah wasn't pleased about the situation that he couldn't build his tower any higher. She picked him up and he proudly placed the next brick on the top.

″Other,″ Noah said and pointed to the bricks on the floor. Erin let him down just to pick him up again one second later.

 _Hell, this is a different way of workout,_ Erin thought after they had repeated this about fifteen times.

″Don't you think this is high enough now?″

″Noooo,″ Noah laughed and grabbed another brick.

″It'll fall down.″

″Noooo. Up,″ he said and reached for Erin's arms.

″Alright, you're the boss on this one,″ she answered while picking him up again. The little boy giggled when he put the next brick on top. It took ten more bricks and the situation happened that Erin had predicted. Just after Noah had put the brick on top the tower crashed and the bricks spread all over the floor. Erin expected Noah to have another meltdown but surprisingly he started laughing. He obviously enjoyed seeing his tower falling down and Erin couldn't help but laughing with him.

″So my masterly architect, what now?″ she asked him and started tickling him. Noah started to giggle and laugh even harder and squeaked joyfully.

″Huh, Bob the Builder, how are we going to repair this?″ she asked him and started another tickling-attack.

The apartment was filled with laughters when Jay and Liv entered it. And what Jay saw made his heart burst. There was his girl, looking incredibly happy, carrying a giggling toddler on her hip and their baby under her heart and the two of them were so much into deep laughters that they didn't even recognize them at first.

″Guess you guys are having a blast,″ Liv said after watching them for a moment.

Erin looked up and the first thing she saw was Jays glance being all happy and satisfied like he had just fallen in love with her again. Erin smirked at him and he just winked back, without being able to stop smiling.

″Mommy,″ Noah finally said and Erin let him down. He immediately ran into his mothers arms. Liv picked him up and kissed his cheeks while stroking his head.

″Did you have a good time?″

″Yaaah,″ Noah answered all smiles.

″I see that,″ Liv said when she noticed the bricks on the floor. ″Sorry for that chaos,″ she said towards Erin.

″No problem, it was fun,″ Erin grinned.

″How about tyding this chaos up, Noah?″ Liv asked her son and the boy immediately shook his head.

″Liv I can do that. What about you enjoying some quality time with him and bathe him or something?″

″Really?″

″Of course. I mean, this isn't a big deal,″ she answered and pointed to the dozens of bricks on the floor.

″Thank you,″ she winked and took Noah to the bathroom.

″So, how was your day?″ Jay asked after Liv was gone and got closer to Erin, ready to kiss her lips.

″How do you think it was?″ she replied and out of nowhere her voice was anything else but happy.

″Damn it Erin!″ Now his voice was bugged. He took a step back from her, stared her in the eyes and tried to figure out what this was about now.

″I'm sorry,″ she whispered and looked down to her feet.

″You know, I don't get it. I really don't. Five minutes ago you looked so genuinely happy and radiant. And now your mad at me exactly why?″

″I'm not mad at you. Why should I? I just overreacted.″

″You tend to do that quite often these days,″ he stated matter-of-factly.

″I know,″ she admitted and got closer to him. ″After a little boxing workout the day was not that bad. And yeah, I had fun with Noah. But when he took his nap I was bored to death. I felt like being caught in a cage.″

″Oh, I can arrange something bringing you in a real cage,″ he smirked naughtily.

″Funny.″

″Yeah, right?″ He leaned in and kissed her. ″So, how's my little girl doing? Is your mom stressing you out?″ he asked and looked down to her belly, placing his hand on it.

″I'm not stressing her out. We had a good workout this morning. I boxed with the punching bag and she boxed with me,″ Erin laughed.

″Did you expect anything else? I mean, she's your daughter, she clearly has your temperament.″

″Mine? I'm always cool, calm and relaxed,″ she said and tried to be as serious as possible.

″Yeah sure, how could I forget that?″ he laughed and kissed her again.

″I don't know, Alzheimers I assume,″ she simply replied and shrugged her shoulders all innocent.

″Must be,″ Jay smiled and rubbed her belly. ″So, someone's tired huh?″

″Yeah, she's sleeping. But don't worry, she'll be fully awake tonight when I wanna sleep.″

″She's a smart one,″ he smirked.

″Totally yours in this case. But about tonight: Liv and Noah will sleep in my bedroom and I thought we sleep in your apartment, what do you think?″ she whispered.

″Can't wait,″ he mumbled and kissed her more intense.

″Me too,″ she smiled after ending the kiss. ″So you're hungry?″

″Yaah, but not for food actually,″ he winked and his eyes sparkled playfully. ″Why?″

″Because I cooked, so you can eat something before going to Mollys.″

″You cooked?″ he raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

″I told you I was bored.″

″Is it eatable?″ he chuckled.

″You'll be the guinea pig. In case you die after eating it we know it's not,″she answered casually.

″Now I feel special.″

″You should. But before my dinner will kill you, how about giving me a hand cleaning this up?″ she asked and pointed to the bricks spead all over the floor.

″Always,″ he answered and together they started tidying up the mess. Or better, Erin collected all bricks and Jay started building another tower.

″Your defintion of helping is an interesting one,″ she noticed and glanced towards him while shaking her head. He tried to overhear it and continued finishing his project so Erin started to throw the bricks at him. Surprisingly she hit him with some.

″Impressive shooting-skills,″ he laughed and slided over the floor towards her. Exactly in that second the tower crashed again.

″Can't say that about your construction-skills,″ she answered all serious and raised her eyebrow.

″I'll work on that,″ he promised and kissed her.

″Hope so,″ she grinned.

″You know, I can't wait for...all of that,″ he said and looked deep into her eyes. She knew exactly what he meant. He was so excited about becoming a father and sometimes his excitement infected her. At least it made her heart melt seeing him that happy.

″I know,″ she answered and ran her fingers through his hair.

″Erin can you-″ Liv interrupted them but immediately stopped when she saw that her timing wasn't the best. ″Oh, sorry.″

″No problem,″ Erin said and got up from the floor. ″What do you need?″

″Some towels please,″ Liv answered but she still felt bad that she had interrupted their little private moment.

″Sure,″ Erin said and brought her some towels from the closet. ″Here you go.″

″Thank you. And, uhm, sorry again,″ she whispered and went back to the bathroom.

Erin and Jay finally collected all Lego bricks and put them in a box. He then ate something from the meal she had cooked and had to admit that it was more than just eatable.

Just when Liv came out of the bathroom a little later, carrying a freshly-bathed Noah on her arm, he was about to leave the apartment to spend the evening with Mouse, Will and Adam.

″See you tomorrow, Noah-boy,″ he said and gave him a high-five. ″Erin and I will come here tomorrow morning, so we all can have breakfast together and then the two of us can go to the district,″ Jay explained Liv.

″Good plan Halstead,″ she nodded.

″See you tonight,″ Jay whispered smirkingly, gave Erin another kiss and left the apartment. All smiles, Erin went back to the table, where Liv and Noah were already waiting for dinner.

″What?″ Erin asked after she recognized that Liv scanned her once again.

″Nothing,″ Liv grinned.

″Come on.″

″He makes you happy.″

″He does indeed,″ Erin nodded.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

About two hours later, after Liv had finally brought Noah to bed who had tested his limits once again and refused to sleep at first, they sat down on the couch with their selfmade, non-alcoholic juice-cocktails, finally ready for the girl's evening they already wanted to do months ago in New York.

″Cheers.″

″Cheers.″

″So you and Hank?″ Erin asked and put her glass back to the table.

″What?″ Liv replied and raised her eyebrows but Erin recognized that her face turned a little pink.

″He calls you and you're coming immediately, although you're on holiday.″

″I still don't get your point here...″ Liv frowned.

″Come on Liv, we both know there's something special between the two of you. I've seen this from the very first time. I know Hank for a while now and the way he looks at you...″

″We're just friends,″ she interrupted her. ″At least I think so,″ she added and took a long gulp from her cocktail.

″Did you guys talk about it?″

″Not really. Talking is not his asset.″

″Yeah, whom do you tell that?″ Erin answered with a sarcastic laughter.

″I think it wouldn't work anyway. He lives in Chicago and my life is in New York. I have Noah and he has an adult son and a grandkid already.″

″You won't know if you never give it a try.″

″It would end with both of us hurting each other.″

″Sounds like you thought more about it then you want to admit,″ Erin noticed.

″Maybe,″ Liv answered thoughtful. ″Is he over his wife?″

″This is a difficult question,″ she sighed and made a little pause, was searching for the right words. ″You know, Hank loved her. He loved her more than anything else in this world and when she died his world broke into pieces. It actually broke him. He became another person after she died. And it took him a while to fight back all the deamons that came with her death. At some points I thought he'll never be the man again that he once was. But he got it back together, slowly but steady.″ She paused again, scanned Liv's face for any kind of reaction. ″He will always love her Liv. And I think this is normal when you lost the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. But I also think he's almost at a point where he is ready for something new.″

Liv just nodded but didn't say anything. Erin knew that she was deep in thoughts about the things she just had heard.

″How was she?″

″Camille?″

″Mhm.″

″She was the sweetest and kindest human being I've ever met,″ Erin smiled and her memories went back to the many occasions where Camille was just simply Camille: the woman with the biggest and most beautiful heart, always understanding, always caring, always loving and of course always smiling.

Once again Liv nodded.

″Hank told you my story, right?″ Erin asked.

″What makes you think he did?″

″You wouldn't ask me any of these questions if he hadn't told you,″ she replied and shrugged her shoulders.

″Well...yeah...From the case with your brother I already knew you had a difficult past. And then back in June, when you guys were in New York for that Miller-case, we had...yeah I think it was a date on that evening you and Jay took care of Noah,″ she admitted. ″He told me that you are like a daughter for him and then I was curious and wanted to know more. So he told me that you lived with him and Camille and Justin when you were a teenager,″she said but felt quite uncomfortable with this situation as she knew Erin's private life and her past was actually none of her business.

Now Erin was the one who just nodded in response. She didn't know what to think about this. Not many people knew about her past and she was glad for that. She wasn't proud about the things she'd done and she didn't want to talk it big. Hank and Jay were the only people who knew everything about her and obviously Hank has simply revealed some of her biggest secrets to Olivia Benson, a person she truly admired.

″You know Erin, you can be so proud of yourself, that's all I want to say. Life played rough with you but the life you formed out of it for yourself is impressive.″

″Thank you,″ Erin smiled faintly and decided to push the uncomfortable feeling away, that now another person knew about her past. Although she was sure that Hank had only told Liv the superficial facts.

″So you guys had a date in New York? I knew it,″ Erin smirked, bringing the conversation back into the right direction.

″It wasn't a real date, or maybe it was. I don't know. We've just been friends back then and we're just friends now.″

″This is what Jay and I said for a really long time and look where we are now,″ she laughed.

″Didn't work out huh?″

″Not really. But I don't regret anything of it.″

″So what's yours and Jay's story?″

″Quite an interesting one. With tons of ups and downs.″

″These kind of relationships are the strongest. Because you know how to fight for something you love instead of giving up.″

″That's true. And we not only had to fight in our relationship, we had to fight for our relationship as well,″ she said pensively.

″Hank?″

″You got that fast,″ Erin laughed. ″You know, from the very beginning I trusted Jay. And this was new for me. Normally it takes a long time until I trust someone but with him it was completely different. I felt safe with him. And I felt good with him. Little did I know back then that he's had a crush on me from the very first second,″ Erin smiled. ″So it didn't take us long to figure out that there was something really special between us. Kind of a special bond. We loved to spend time with each other, we were able to communicate without words and every time we looked into each others eyes, there was this special glow. We saw our future in each others eyes, although none of us admitted or maybe even realized it at that point. Naturally we started flirting with each other but only as long as Hank caught us being all flirty. He made the both of us pretty clear that he allows no inhouse romances and if we want to keep working in Intelligence there's not such a thing as a relationship in our future.″

″Really? He told two adults what to do with their private lives?″

″I think it was mainly because he didn't trust Jay back then. And of course because I'm like his daughter so he naturally wanted to protect me. Anyway, we ate it and both of us had new things going on for a little while. But we couldn't forget each other. I mean, how should we? We worked together every day and he was still the person who made me feel special, the person I wanted to spend time with because I felt so good when being with him. I could always rely on him and until today this is one of the attitudes that I love most about him. Things then slowly started to get more intense again. And when I took the job at the Task Force all of Hank's rules didn't apply to us anymore, so of course all the feelings we've been hiding for so long just bursted out of us. We became a couple and back then this was the happiest time of my life. When things with the Task Force job went west, I got my spot in Intelligence back, so we were confronted with the same problem again. We decided to hide our relationship and keep it a secret, acting professional at work and romantic at night. But you know, Hank is the boss of the Intelligence Unit for a reason, so it didn't take him long to find out. We had to cool it again, although none of us wanted it to end. So it was quite hard for both of us. Then Nadia died and I had that sabbatical, quit my job and severed all ties with the people from Intelligence, including Jay but nonetheless he had never given up on me during that time. One day Al called me and told me that Jay has been kidnapped and this was the turning point for me. I realized that I can't lose him and that he still is the man I love and that I can't let anything happen to him. With me saving him, he actually saved me. I got my life back together and soon all the flirting started again. But this time we had Hank's approval.″

″Did you? What made him change his mind?″

″I think there were several reasons. He wanted to be sure that someone has my back after that rough time. But I think he also thought that none of this would even have happened if he hadn't forced us to end our relationship. And I think he realized that Jay's the man who makes me happy. Although it took him some time to accept that. We became a couple almost exactly a year ago. Our anniversary was last week to be precise,″ she smiled.

″You didn't understate when you said it's a up-and-down-story. Ever thought about selling this to Hollywood? I'm sure it would be a blockbuster,″ Liv laughed.

″Yeah right? We never take the easy way. It always has to be complicated. But it was all worth it. He's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He's my soulmate, my best friend. He's always there for me and I can rely on him no matter what. He always finds the words that I need to hear. He's my light in the darkness. He stays calm when I freak out. He catches me before I fall. He makes me stay when I have the urge to run away. He accepts my past and he understands me in a way no one else can. Sometimes I have the feeling he knows me better than I know myself. He's my safe haven in so many ways.″

Liv looked her in the eyes and they sparkled while she talked about Jay and she could tell that Erin meant every word the way she'd said it.

″Did you ever tell Jay all of this?″ she asked and surprisingly her voice was barely there. ″Because this is so touching, I could cry right now,″ she continued and only now Erin recognized her glassy eyes.

″I don't have to. He knows,″ Erin smiled while her cheeks blushed. ″When did I become such an open book though?″ she then asked, shaking her head in disbelief and just emptied her cocktail with one draft. For someone who hated talking about their past and their feelings she just had done an immense job. But somehow it felt good. It was satisfying to tell someone about her emotions and feelings. And to let someone know how much and unconditionally she loved Jay.

″I really enjoyed it Erin. And I think that's what friends are for,″ Liv smiled.

″Yaah, it is,″ Erin answered and smiled back.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was after midnight when Erin got to Jay's apartment. She has just lay down for like fifteen minutes when she heard Jay opening the door. He tried to be super quiet which unfortunately resulted in hitting his foot against the edge of his closet.

″Fuuuuuck,″ he whispered and suppressed to scream when he felt the stabbing pain in his two smallest toes.

″You know, turning the lights on would prevent you from breaking your toes,″ Erin said out of the darkness and he could tell from her voice that she had a sneaking grin on her lips. She meanwhile rolled over and turned the light of her bedside lamp on.

″Didn't want to wake you up.″

″So noble. But remember, I have your little monster inside of me and it keeps me from sleeping.″

He hobbled over to the bed, sat down on its edge and rubbed his aching toes.

″It's bleeding. Maybe something is broken, too,″ he noticed when he wanted to put his sock off and saw a deep red blotch.

″Just make sure you'll tell me before you die, alright?″ she yawned.

″Why are you so touchy?″ he asked and rolled over to her side of the bed so that he was able to look her directly in the eyes.

″Because you haven't kissed me yet,″ she smirked. He didn't let her beg twice and as soon as she had finished her complaint, his lips crashed hers with an intense kiss.

″Better now?″ he grinned afterwards.

″A lot,″ she twinkled. ″So let me have a look at your toes now,″ she said and got up just to kneel down in front of him.

″How bad does it look?″ he asked and made a face as if he was about to die.

″I have some good news for you: no losses here, still five toes,″ she chuckled.

″Haha.″

″Okay, I have even better news: you won't die either.″

″Funny. It hurts like hell.″

″Poor you,″ she said, got up and stroked his cheeks with her hands. She leaned down to him and started to kiss him.

″It already doesn't hurt so much anymore,″ he grinned tricksy afterwards.

″Good,″ she whispered before their lips merged again. ″Then you can stop crying now and we can sleep, huh?″

″I didn't cry,″ Jay protested and stripped his shirt and jeans.

″You totally did,″ Erin laughed while she lay down again, waiting for Jay to lie down so she could curl into his side.

″I didn't,″ he said again as he got up to go to the bathroom.

″Yeah, keep on telling that and you can maybe convince yourself,″ she sassed.

″I'm totally convinced,″ he winked and left her alone for some minutes to brush his teeth and wash the blood on his toes off.

When he came back and lay down he immediately wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she snuggled onto his side, just like almost always, as it was her favorite position to sleep and Jay of course let her although it was a bit uncomfortable for him. As Erin nestled her head up to his chest and lay her hand on his stomach to wrap it loosely around his waist, she didn't how much she would need him, her safe haven, in the days and weeks to come and that he could soon prove once again why he was her safe haven at all...

* * *

 **As always, please leave a review and tell me what you think :)**

 **I should be able to post the next chapter in the next few days already as I have some time left until I have to go back to university and I don't want to let you wait this long again! :)**


	28. The Life We Chose

**I can't believe I'm almost at 200 reviews, so thank you all for the ongoing support! :) Here comes chapter 28, long one again, hope you like it!**

* * *

 **28\. The Life We Chose**

When Jay woke up one the following morning after his alarm clock had rang and reached out for Erin, he only felt her side of the bed being cold and empty.

″Erin?″ he yawned and stretched his body.

″I'm here,″ he heard her calling from the bathroom. Some seconds later she stepped back into the bedroom, just wearing some panties and one of his shirts as always.

″Why are you up already?″ he asked and yawned again.

″Couldn't sleep anymore. Your daughter really thinks she's a soccer star. Messi or someone,″ she sighed.

″How do you know Messi?″ he replied being all surprised.

″Guess that's the benefit of being your girlfriend. There's nothing about sports I don't know anymore.″

″It's all about the right education,″ he chuckled. ″Come here.″

″You should get up and not getting me back into the bed,″ she answered and raised her eyebrow.

″Please,″ he begged and of course she couldn't resist. She crawled back into the bed and immediately snuggled into his arm, with her head resting on his chest.

″So, what is this about?″

″I just wanted to cuddle with my girls,″ Jay whispered and kissed her head. He placed his hand on her belly and started to stroke it softly. Erin didn't answer, just put her hand on top of his and enjoyed this little moment of intimacy.

″Woah, she's really getting stronger day by day,″ Jay said after some minutes of silence, being all amazed by the strong kicks he was feeling. For him this was the best thing in the world.

″Yaah, tell me about it. Pretty sure she tumbles in there like a maniac,″ she laughed.

″She's an athletic one,″ he smiled. ″You want to be a sportstar one day, right?″ he asked and softly tickled her belly.

″Boxing, playing soccer, gymnastics. Our daughter's quite versatile I'd say,″ she smiled and gazed up to him. His eyes were sparkling and this beaming smile surrounded his lips. It was that smile that she only knew for some weeks now and every time she saw it she just fell in love with him over and over again.

″I love you,″ he whispered and Erin was sure that he was able to read her mind sometimes. ″Both of you,″ he quietly added and kissed her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They arrived at Erin's apartment about an hour later. The smell of fresh coffee and pancakes welcomed them when they opened the door. The table was set with a huge plate full of chocolate chip pancakes, dozens of little bowls with all kind of fruits and glasses with orange juice where placed on the table as well.

″Wow, that looks amazing,″ Erin said.

″Good morning guys,″ Liv replied, turning around to them.

″You didn't have to do that.″

″I know. I just wanted to give you guys something back. So take a seat,″ she smiled.

″Great, I'm starving,″ Jay said and sat down immediately.

″Counting the many times you've already said that in your life, you should be dead by now,″ Erin answered all dry and laughed.

″Hey, a man needs to eat,″ Liv defended him and also laughed.

″See,″ he glanced to Erin. ″Thank you Liv!″

″Where's Noah?″ she asked.

″Still in bed, playing with his stuffies,″ she replied. ″Noah, breakfast is ready, would you please come?″ she then called. Some seconds later, Noah walked into the room, still wearing his pajamas and when he saw Erin, his face became all smiles.

″Ewiiiin,″ he sqeaked and came running towards her. She got down on her knees, caught him and swirled him through the air. Now he giggled even more joyfully.

Jay and Liv exchanged some confused looks. They didn't see that one coming. Erin neither.

″Why so stormy boy, huh?″ she asked him.

″You play with me?″ he asked with hopeful eyes.

″Later, okay? Let's have breakfast first, yah?″ she suggested and he nodded eagerly in response and smiled brightly.

″Guess someone adores you,″ Liv said.

″Naah, I'm just the girl he can have fun with and you're his mom who has to be strict sometimes. I guess he'll hate me again when it comes to naptime,″ she laughed.

They all sat down and had a nice and entertaining breakfast together. Noah had one of his better mornings and was goofy all the time. Erin tried to imagine what was more exhausting: Noah with a meltdown or Noah being like this all day but she was sure she would figure this one out soon enough.

″So Jay, are you done eating?″ Liv asked right after Jay had finished his sixth or so pancake.

″Yeah I think so. This was delicious.″

″Glad you liked it,″ she smiled and started to bring the dishes to the sink.

″Liv, you and Jay should go to the district and let me do all this housewifely stuff. Hank really doesn't like it when he has to wait.″

″Okay okay,″ she answered and held her hands up in defense. She went to the bedroom where Noah was already playing with his toys again.

″Mommy goes to work now, okay sweetheart? Erin will be with you again all day.″

″Okay,″ the little boy nodded.

″I love you,″ she said and softly stroke his head. ″Can mommy have a kiss?″

″Yaaah,″ Noah smiled and gave her a wet kiss.

″Thank you,″ she said, kissed his cheeks once again and left him alone with his toys.

″I think Noah and I might stop by the district later,″ Erin said when Liv came back to them.

″That would be great!″

″Yeah, it would,″ Jay mumbled and got closer to Erin. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him.

″Be careful.″

″Always,″ he answered and placed a kiss on her hair before he and Liv left the apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin and Noah enjoyed a stress-free morning with lots of laughters. They played with his stuffies for a while, built some more towers together, made a puzzle, she read him another chapter of 'The Little Prince' and she even watched one episode of Bob the Builder with him. Time passed faster than she had expected and she realized that she hasn't been bored for even one second that morning.

″Are you getting hungry?″ she asked Noah around noon.

″Yaah.″

″What do you think, we're going to cook pasta and after that we'll go to the playground?″

″Yaah, me like,″ he smiled.

″Alright, you're going to give me a hand?″

He nodded and Erin picked him up from the couch to start their cooking-session that turned out to be a quite chaotic one. But once again Erin recognized how much fun she had. Although this was of course not the same kind of fun that she had when she was at work. Chasing down bad guys was still her favorite.

As promised, they went to the playground, which was just one block away, afterwards. They tried to build a castle in the sandbox but the result was an indefineable bunch of mud. Naturally, Noah had most fun on the swing and sliding down the skid but unfortunately their little trip found a sudden end when the rain started to pour down.

When they were back in the apartment, Erin just changed Noah's clothes to clean and dry ones and changed her own jeans as hers were a little muddy as well. She brought Noah down to her car, settled him into his car seat, loaded the buggy into the trunk and drove right into the direction of district 21.

She parked her car in front of the precinct some 15 minutes later and when she picked Noah up from his car seat she recognized that he already started to look tired again. She decided to take the buggy up to the bullpen so Noah could sleep in there, but when she took the bag with the toys from the trunk she realized that she wasn't able to carry Noah, the bag and the buggy all at once without risking to fall over her own feet.

 _I guess you need like ten hands and arms when you have a child,_ Erin thought sighing and closed the trunk.

″Wow, the kids are born big these days,″ Platt welcomed her with a sarcastic voice when she walked into the 21st, carrying Noah on her hip. Erin frowned and gave her sergeant a what-the-heck-look.

″Just kidding Lindsay.″

″Whatever,″ she nodded.

″No honestly, this suits you better than I've expected,″ she said all serious this time and pointed to Noah.

″Glad to surprise you,″ Erin answered and now she was the one being all sarcastic. ″Actually, can you do me a favor? Can you take his buggy out of my car and bring it up to the bullpen?″

″I assume that's your way of saying you'll get your ass down here again and do it yourself,″ Platt answered dryly.

″Thank you Sergeant, always nice talking to you. But I see, desk sergeant is such a busy job. Distributing police cars to patrol officers all day must be hard. Really hard,″ Erin shrugged, rolled her eyes and went up the stairs.

″Says the Detective who has been demoted to be nanny.″

″You got it,″ Erin just waved aside and opened the door to the bullpen. She didn't care about Platt and surprisingly the things she had said didn't even bother her.

″Hey guys,″ she said when she came up the stairs and saw Antonio, Adam, Kevin and Al sitting on their desks.

″Hey there, how are you doing?″ Adam said and went to her, reaching for the bag she carried on her shoulder and placed it next to her desk.

″Quite good. What about you guys? Do you already miss me?″ she grinned.

″Every single second,″ Antonio smirked.

″Hey Noah, how are you doing man?″ Adam asked him but Noah immediately hid his head on her shoulder.

″He's a bit tired,″ Erin said and rubbed Noah's back.

None of them recognized that Hank has just entered the room. He stayed in the background for some seconds and watched Erin comforting the toddler that she carried on her hip. She was one of the most badass cops in Chicago but today she just looked like a mother. For the very first time. And this little fact made him smile.

″Glad to see you here kid.″

Erin turned around when she heard that familar raspy voice. She didn't say anything, just tried to interpret the gaze he gave her and the smirk that surrounded his lips. She couldn't help but think that there was some pride in his eyes. But within the next second it was gone.

″Where are Liv and Jay?″ she asked, trying to avoid any kind of conversation with him.

″In the interrogation room. I'll tell Liv you're here,″ he said and left again.

″A kid looks good on you Erin,″ Antonio said and smiled.

″Surprisingly,″ Adam added and Erin answered with a directed punch on his side.

″What? I'm just honest,″ Adam grinned and went some steps back from her as he expected another punch.

″Yeah, that's truly one of your greatest attitudes Adam Ruzek,″ she answered tongue-in-cheek.

″Are your hormones talking again today?″ he teased.

″No Adam, not at all. I'm just honest,″ she winked. He didn't answer anything, so Erin basically won their little verbal fight. As always. But she was not done with him yet.

″So Adam, as you don't look super busy at the moment – or should I say as always – can you please do me a favor?″

″What do you need?″

″I have a special job for you. A job that really requires the strongest man of Intelligence,″ she replied and she could see how his ego boosted. Kevin was about to protest but she just gave him an almost imperceptible wink.

″Alright you got me. I do whatever you want,″ he said being all proud and showed his muscles to his colleagues who really had to fight hard against getting the giggles. Even for Erin it was hard to stay all serious while obviously everybody got it that she was just fooling him.

″Great. Thank you Adam. I appreciate that,″ she said with the sweetest of voices.

″So what is it?″ he asked full of expectations.

″Here,″ she said and threw her car key to him. He didn't expect that and only caught it narrowly.

″I am allowed to drive your car?!″ he asked and a bright winning smile appeared on his face.

″Are you dreaming, man? Noah's buggy is in there and I need it up here so he can have his nap,″ she replied dryly and kept a straight face. Adam just stand there for a second, being all of a dither.

″So, what are you waiting for?″ she twinkled and now she was the one with the winning smile on her face.

″Ye-ah...sure,″ he mumbled and went down the stairs. Now none of the others could hold back any longer and all their laughters bursted out.

″God Erin, now I know what I've missed since yesterday,″ Antonio laughed.

″You got him, girl,″ Kevin grinned and gave her a high-five.

″Smart one Erin,″ even Al admitted from behind his desk.

″Always glad to cheer you up guys,″ Erin grinned.

″You surely did,″ Kevin nodded and it took a moment until the seriousness returned.

″So, how's the case going?″ she asked and sat down on her desk with Noah sitting on her lap.

″Still a tough one. Jay and Liv are interrogating Sam Dillon at the moment,″ Antonio answered and pointed to the picture of a dark-haired man on the board.

″Is he our guy?″

″No, looks like he has an alibi. But he knows something. Liv and Jay are trying to find out in which way he's involved.″

″Here comes your delivery,″ Adam interrupted them when he came back to the bullpen.

″Thank you Adam, you're the best,″ Erin winked. She placed Noah in the buggy and covered a blanket over him. He was so tired, he didn't even try to resist this time.

″Can you guys update me about all the facts I don't know yet?″ she asked and pointed to the board while she leaned back in her chair and slightly pushed the buggy back and forth with her foot.

″Sure,″ Antonio nodded and they started to tell her about what's happened since the previous morning, what they'd found out with Olivia's help.

″We got a name,″ Jay said when him, Liv and Hank walked into the bullpen. They all turned their heads around, eagerly waiting for more news.

″Kyson James,″ he said and pinned a picture on the board. ″And our witness, Oliver Marshall, knows more according to Dillon.″

″Alright,″ Hank nodded. ″Liv, Al you go and visit Marshall again. Bring him here in case you need to. Antonio, Halstead, Atwater, you go with me finding this prince charming,″ Hank ordered and pointed to the picture. ″Ruzek, you're going to check on the alibi of Dillon. And I want to know everything about James.″

″What, why me?″ Ruzek protested, being clearly disappointed that he had to stay here.

″Because I told you so.″

″Hank, let me do that together with Mouse,″ Erin suggested.

″We need Mouse in the surveillance van,″ Hank said without taking further notice.

″Then let me do it alone,″ she said. ″Please. I want to help.″

He turned his head around and gazed at her. She focused his eyes with hers and she knew she didn't have to say anything else. Her eyes did the talking.

″Alright,″ Hank finally nodded. ″Ruzek, you're going with Olivia and Alvin.″

″Great,″ Adam answered.

″We roll out in five,″ Hank said and left the bullpen towards the rollout.

″Guess I owe you one,″ Adam said.

″See, this is the benefit when you're nice to me,″ Erin grinned and winked at her younger colleague.

″I'll remember that one,″ he smiled and also left.

″How's my little boy doing?″ Liv asked and came to Erin's desk.

″He asked for you quite some times but now he's peacefully sleeping.″

″Thank you again Erin,″ she said and stroked Noah's cheek.

″No problem.″

″Alright, see you later then,″ she winked and left the bullpen together with the rest of the crew.

″See you later guys. Be careful,″ Erin replied and started her work on the computer.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Ten one officer shot. Ten one officer shot. Calling for immediate backup and an ambulance to...″ Erin felt her heart dropping to her knees when she heard these words out of the police radio. Just some minutes ago she'd called Hank to tell him what she'd found out about Kyson James and he had told her that they would go in now. She's then turned on the police radio to follow all the actions of her squad members out there.

″It's not Jay, it's not Jay, it's not Jay,″ she told herself. It didn't help. Her heart raced and she felt like someone has punched her in the stomach. A wave of nausea hit her and she felt like she had to vomit any second. She tried again to calm herself down and took some long, deep breaths of air. But as much as she tried to push the pictures in her head away, the more real they became. She saw Jay, covered in blood, fighting for his life. Then she saw Jules. How she had held her hand in the ambulance, how she had told her to fight while the blood was running down her neck and how Jules had lost the fight in the end. She saw Jay lying in a hospital bed again and then she saw herself standing at the graveyard, carrying their baby in her arms.

″It's not Jay, it's not Jay, it's not Jay. Not again,″ she reminded herself over and over again. Just some short ten weeks ago she's been through all this and no one could have that much bad luck, not even her. It seemed like yesterday when she had thought she'd lost him. When she only got a call from Hank and rushed to the hospital, unaware of what had happened to Jay. The drive to Chicago Med back then was the longest in her life. And now all the feelings, all the emotions, all the memories, they just came back, hitting her with full force. She felt another wave of nausea coming up and this time she wasn't able to swallow it. She ran to the break room and vomitted into the sink.

″You don't even know who got shot,″ she told herself after clearing her mouth and pressed her hand against her forehead. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Hank's number with trembling fingers. Just as she'd expected, he didn't answer.

 _Maybe it's him_ , she thought and she felt how another punch just hit her stomach. So far, her only concern was Jay, but what if it was Hank? The man that saved her life. The man that became the father she never had. The man with whom she had a fight, so many fights these past few months. What if exchanging icy glances and harsh words was the last thing they've done? What if she could never tell him how much she still loved him?

″It's neither Jay nor Hank. They are both fine,″ she again said to herself but it still didn't work.

Her heart was still racing and she still felt nauseous when she grabbed her jacket and the car key from her desk. She picked the sleeping boy up from his buggy and left the bullpen with him.

She knew that she was in no condition to drive a car right now, but no matter who got shot, she needed to be there. No matter whether it was Jay or Hank or someone else, it was a member of her family that got injured, what made it impossible for her to stay where she was, waiting for someone to finally inform her.

Noah was still asleep when she placed him in his car seat. She sat down on the drivers seat, took some more deep breaths and then drove right to Chicago Med. It was a good thing that she had the two-and-a-half-year-old toddler in the car. Thanks to him and for him and of course also for the baby inside of her that she had to protect, she managed to stay focused and concentrated on the streets.

She parked her car right in front of the hospital some minutes later and picked Noah up again. But this time he woke up and he was anything but pleased about it and instantly started to cry and tried to squirm out of Erin's grasp.

″Hey Noah, everything is fine,″ she said, trying to calm him down with rubbing soft circles on his back but it seemed like Noah didn't even recognize her, was still more or less sleeping, and his cries got even louder.

″Noah, I'm here, okay?″ she tried again but he didn't seem to hear her, screamed for his mother instead. Erin sighed and went into the waiting area of the emergency department while Noah's screaming got more and more intense. She made her way to the information center when she straight ran into Adam. She looked up to him, being all confused for a second. She tried to remember with whom Adam was supposed to roll out.

Noah was still screaming like a maniac and all the other patients paid attention when Erin saw all the blood on Adams clothes and gasped.

″What happened?″ she whispered with a voice full of fear, uncertain whether she was prepared for the answer.

″It was...I...they...shot..,″ he spluttered, obviously having a shock.

″Hey Adam,″ she said, clearing her own voice and softly grabbed his arm.

″So much blood...it's bad,″ he mumbled and Erin felt her heart drop again.

″Adam, just tell me: who is it? Hank? Jay?″ Her voice got quieter towards the end of the sentence in fear of the possible answer.

″What?″ he asked and inhaled a deep breath. ″It's Olivia.″

Although it wasn't the name Erin has expected to hear, she felt how her feet got shaky and out of a sudden dizziness hit her body.

″Hey, hey Erin!″ Alvin came running into the waiting area, grabbed her arm and softly pushed her back to one of the seats.

″Are you okay?″ he asked and sat down next to her. Erin wrapped her arms tighter around Noah and stroked his hair. He buried his face in her chest and kept on crying.

″Yeah...yeah...I just thought it was Jay...never thought it could be Olivia,″ she spluttered. ″Weren't you guys supposed to pick up the witness?″

″It was a trap,″ Al answered and his voice came bitter and cold.

″How?″

″The shots came out of nowhere. Of course none of us had a vest on. I mean, we were just supposed to ask this freakin' bastard some questions,″ he said and clenched his fist.

″How bad is it?″ she asked while she was still rubbing Noah's back. At least he slowly started to calm down.

″Bad. I don't know. I think she got two bullets. At least. But I don't know where, there was so much blood...″ he paused.

Erin nodded and lay her head against his shoulder.

″You should go and wash this off,″ Al said to Adam, who was still shaking, cold sweat covering his forehead.

″Alright,″ he slowly nodded and got up.

″You're okay Ruzek?″

″Yeah, I just need some time,″ he said and went to the restroom right across their seats.

″How did you know about the shooting?″ Alvin asked Erin.

″Police radio. I wanted to know what was happening out there.″

″Why did you think it was Jay?″

″Because he was the one catching the bad guy,″ she shrugged.

″And you didn't figure it was Ruzek's voice that called for backup, right?″

She looked up to him, felt like being caught. How could she have missed that? She had just heard someone calling 'officer shot' and she had assumed it had to be one of her colleagues that went after Kyson James and had therefore thought it was Jay or Hank because her life was perfect with punching her in her face all the time.

″I didn't pay attention to the voice, I guess. I just heard the emergency call and I think in that moment my brain wasn't able to put the pieces together anymore,″ she sighed.

″It's okay kid,″ Al answered and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

They sat there like this for some minutes, Al giving Erin the comfort she needed, until she saw Will running through the ER.

″Take him for a second,″ she suddenly said and handed Noah over to Alvin. The toddler grabbed her T-shirt with his little fist and started crying again.

″I'll be right back boy,″ she said and stroked over his hair.

″Where is Mommy?″ Erin's heart broke when Noah looked at her with his big eyes. She couldn't answer as she felt tears coming up so she turned around and left but she could hear Noah screaming for his mother again and again.

″Will,″ Erin called and ran after him.

″Erin? Sorry, no time at the moment,″ he answered hecitcally and kept on searching for something in a shelf.

″Listen. The woman in there. She's my friend. A really good friend.″

He turned his head around for a split second and sighed. ″I know Erin. And believe me, we're doing everything we can,″ he said, touched her arm and ran back into the trauma room.

Erin was pacing up and down in front of the room when Will came back to her just some minutes later.

″She wants to talk to you.″

″She's able to talk?″ Erin asked surprised as this was the last thing she has expected after seeing all the blood on Ruzek's clothes earlier.

″Barely. I told her you're here and she refused to get intubated for her surgery before talking to you. Please hurry up, I don't know how much time we have.″

Erin nodded and followed Will into the trauma room. She had to take a deep breath when she saw Liv lying in the bed, the color of her skin as white as the sheets. Everywhere was blood, tubes came out of her chest and she looked more dead than alive but yet she was breathing on her own which had to be a good sign.

″Erin,″ she whispered.

″I'm here. You're going to be fine,″ Erin said and squeezed her hand but Liv closed her eyes and shook her head.

″You will, believe me,″ Erin assured her instantly.

″Erin. Noah is the most precious gift I ever got in my life.″ She stopped as she wasn't able to continue.

″I know. And he's out there waiting for you and the two of you will be back together again soon.″

Once again Liv shook her head. She tried to take a deep breath but Erin could tell how much pain that caused.

″I need you to promise me something.″

″What?″

″Take care of him.″

″Of course I do,″ she answered, still holding Liv's hand.

″No,″ she said while her voice got lower every second, her breathing even heavier. ″I want him to grow up in a family. With people who love him.″ She paused again, trying to collect the last energy that was left in her wouned body. ″Please promise me that you and Jay will take him in case..-″

″No. No. No!″ Erin denied and looked over to Will, trying to figure out whether Liv's condition really was as bad as that they had to consider the worst case scenario. ″Liv you're going to be fine and...-″

″Erin,″ she whispered and now she was the one who slightly squeezed Erin's hand. ″Maybe I'm not and I want to be sure that he is with people he knows and that he can grow up in a peaceful place. I don't have siblings or parents who could take care of him. You and Jay love each other in a way I've rarely seen before and you're going to be great parents...-″

″Liv don't say things like that. You're a fighter and you're going to be fine, okay? Because I can't...″

″Please Erin. You can. I know that. You're a great person and Noah loves and trusts you, I've seen it. Promise me you'll look after my boy,″ Liv cried, tears starting to roll down her face. Erin closed her eyes, trying to fight back her own tears and staying strong for Liv. She didn't have a choice and she knew she didn't have that much more time to think about it.

″I will. We will,″ she finally nodded.

″Thank you,″ she sobbed. ″Tell Noah...-″ she gasped and her eyelids fluttered as the alarm of the heart monitor started to beep faster.

″Tell Noah I...love...him.″ Blood came out of her mouth with these words.

″Liv! Liv! Stay with me!″ Erin screamed before she got pushed aside by Will and Dr. Rhodes.

″Damn it! I need an intubation set NOW,″ Will called.

Erin just stood there in the corner, wasn't able to realize all the things that happened around her. Liv had so many colleagues and friends in New York, people she knew better than her but yet Liv had asked the one person who was able to be a mother least. All of this couldn't be true. This had to be a nightmare. Some hours ago her life was good, as good as it could be at the moment and now it broke into pieces again? She couldn't handle losing another friend. She couldn't handle raising a child she barely knew. She wasn't able to deal with another drama in her life. Neither now nor ever.

″Alright let's go,″ Dr. Rhodes voice interrupted her thoughts. She still felt like being paralyzed when they shoved Liv out of the trauma room. She leaned back to the wall and slid down to the floor. She covered her face in her hands and started to cry. All the things she had held back this past hour just came out.

″Hey Erin, are you alright?″ she heard Will asking and his voice was clearly worried.

She didn't look up but nodded while she inhaled deeply to calm herself down.

″Are you sure?″ he asked and sat down next to her.

″Yeah, just give me a second,″ she mumbled into her hands.

″Take as long as you need. Shall I call Jay?″

″No.″ As much as she needed him right now, he had to bring down the bastards that where responsible for all of this. She knew he would come immediately, but at the moment his team needed him even more.

″Will, be honest with me. How bad is it?″ she asked and looked to him for the first time. She could see the sorrow in his face and her faith for a happy-end dropped.

″She has a bullet in her stomach and another one close to her lungs. She's lost a lot of blood and we don't know how much is damaged and how bad the internal bleedings are. But our best surgeons are operating on her and they'll do all they can.″

″That means we need a miracle, right?″

″It's never wrong to pray for a miracle in situations like this. And we both know miracles happen,″ he said and of course Erin knew immediately knew that he was referring to Jay.

″She'll be fine,″ Erin nodded but it seemed like she was convincing herself. ″I'm going to wait here. How long will this surgery take?″

″It will be hours, at least five, maybe more. Erin, let me suggest something. Go home, try to relax, spend some time with Noah instead of trying to entertain him here. You can't do anything for her and I promise I'll call you as soon as anything changes.″

She sighed. He was right. But she somehow was afraid of going home with Noah, being alone with him and waiting for that one damn call.

″Okay,″ she agreed and got up from the floor. ″Promise me you'll call me.″

″I promise. I'll keep you updated.″

″Thank you,″ she replied, forcing a smile for goodbye.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Noah was still in the middle of his meltdown when she came back to the waiting area. Al and Adam tried their best to entertain him, but nothing worked. He reached out for Erin when he saw her coming. She immediately picked him up, pressed his head against her chest and covered her own head in his hair.

″It's fine boy, everything is fine,″ she whispered and rubbed his back again. Finally his whining got more quiet.

″Thank God,″ Alvin sighed and exhaled a deep breath.

″He knows something is wrong,″ Erin answered with a low voice.

″He can't know Erin. He's too young.″

″And I tell you, he does,″ she said and the voice, that's been so low before, was rising.

″Okay okay,″ he replied, holding his hands up in defence. ″Any news?″

″She's in surgery. It'll take some hours.″

Alvin and Adam only nodded by these news.

″She'll be fine,″ Erin said emphatically.

″That's what we're all hoping Erin.″ She could hear the disbelief in his voice and a wave of angriness swept through her body.

″If you already lost your hope, then she already lost this fight!″ she yelled. ″We have to fight for her. With her. We have to believe in her strength and we can't just simply give her up! If I had given up Jay he would...-″ She couldn't finish this sentence as she felt her tears coming up again and so she turned around, ready to leave the ER as fast as possible.

″Nobody's giving her up Erin.″

She stopped and although she didn't want to pay any further attention to what Alvin said, she turned around again.

″Oh no! You just did,″ she spat out, pointing her finger on him.

She then almost ran out of the ER. Maybe she has been unfair. Maybe this wasn't the right way to talk to someone who had just been involved in a shooting. But she didn't care. Liv had to survive because she needed her to survive. Because this little boy, who she now placed in his car seat, needed his mother to survive. No one could ever replace his mother, least of all Erin.

During the drive home, Noah instantly kept asking for his mother. Erin's head ached when she arrived at her apartment and she was hoping that Noah would stop asking as soon as he was reunited with his toys.

″Where's mommy?″ he asked after they have both sat down on the floor and Erin started to put the toys out of the box.

″She'll be back soon,″ Erin sighed, realizing that her hopes wouldn't come true.

″Moooooommyyyyy,″ Noah started to cry again and angrily threw his toys on the floor. Erin thought that he maybe only asked for his mother constantly because his nap got interrupted and he was therefore still tired. Tha's what little kids did when they were tired, they cried for their parents.

″Noah,″ Erin reached out.

″Noooooo! Mommy,″ he screamed and laid down on the wodden floor, trampling on it with his little fists and feet. His screeching got louder and louder. Erin tried to stroke his head but he kicked her away with his feet.

″Mooooommy,″ he yelled again.

Erin got up from the floor as she couldn't do this anymore. She so badly wanted to leave her apartment, wanted to leave all of this drama behind her. She wasn't able to cope with this situation. Why did she once again get the proof that her life was one damn accident? That she was apparently not supposed to be happy for even one second in her life. That something bad always happened to the people she cared about most.

She went to the bathroom, tried to ignore Noah's intense yelling. She refreshed her face with ice cold water, took some deep breaths of air and reminded herself that she had to stay calm while her headaches got stronger with every minute passing and hammered against her forehead and temples.

 _He can't scream forever,_ Erin thought and closed her tired eyes while firming her hands on the basin. She stood there for some minutes and sighed when the screaming finally got more quiet. She went back to the living room, picked Noah up from the floor and sat down on the couch, placing him in her lap.

″Ssshhh, ssshhh.″ She gently stroked his wet cheeks while dandling him but he kept on whining.

″Noah, I talked to your mommy,″ she said. With big, teary eyes, Noah looked up to her.

″Mommy?″

″Yes mommy. She told me that she loves you and that she thinks about you every day.″

″Where's mommy?″ he asked again and his voice got weepy again.

″She's not here yet but she'll be back soon, okay?″ Erin felt bad lying to the toddler, who obviously wasn't able to understand the situation but knew something was wrong anyway. But she didn't know what else to do. Her heart was heavy and she had to swallow a lump in her throat. ″And until she's back, she wants you to stay with me and she wants you to be the good boy that you always are, okay?″

″When mommy back?″ he sobbed.

″Soon, Noah, soon,″ she whispered.

″Noooooo now,″ he protested and started crying again. Erin's heart broke when she saw the desire for his mother in his eyes and she wished nothing more than that Liv was here. Or Jay.

″Your mommy loves you Noah. She loves you so much,″ she said and placed a kiss on his hair. ″And you know what? She told me to go to the toy store with you and buy you everything you want.″ It was a sudden flash of thought and she spoke it out loud before she could think about it. Maybe this was the only way to distract him from constantly asking for his mother, no matter how bad it was on the educational side.

″Yaah?″ he looked up to her and his face slightly enlightened.

″Yes, of course,″ she replied and forced a smile.

″Okay,″ he said and jumped out of her lap. Surprisingly her idea had a much better effect than she'd expected.

″Come,″ he smiled and grabbed her hand, pulling her off the couch.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″So Noah, what do you want, huh?″ she asked him and softly tickled him when they were in the baby- and toy-store about half an hour later. The cart was already full with a travel bed for toddlers as she and Jay needed their bed for themselves now, some more diapers and other stuff they would maybe need and now they stood in front of the racks which were overloaded with toys.

″This,″ he said and pointed to a wodden locomotive set with rail tracks and even a little railroad station.

″Yeah?″

″Yes,″ he replied with a big smile. Erin put him down to the floor so that she was able to pick the big box from the shelf and loaded it into the cart. Noah walked around a bit and scanned all the toys with big eyes.

″Hey, don't go to far away,″ she called and followed him.

″Up,″ he begged and reached for her arms. She picked him up again and as soon as he was in her arms, his little hands grabbed two small plastic dinos that were placed in an upper shelf.

″These too?″ she asked him.

″Yes,″ he nodded. ″Please,″ he added and giggled.

″Such a polite young man,″ someone said behind her. She turned around and saw a friendly smiling shop assistant standing next to her.

″Do you need any help?″ she asked Erin.

″Uhm, no thank you, I'm fine,″ she answered and smiled back of necessity.

″This is going to be a handful,″ she said and glanced at the toddler who had his leg rested on Erin's 7-months-belly. Erin didn't get what she meant and frowned. Despite the fact that her thoughts were still with Liv, she wasn't exactly eager to have a chat with the shop assistant.

″Sorry, what?″ she asked, trying to be as friendly as possible.

″Two little kids that young,″ she replied and pointed to her belly. ″But I'm sure he's going to be a great big brother.″

″Actually he...-″ she stopped and started thinking about it. What if this was their life, their future? She had promised it after all. What if Noah was going to be 'their' child? What if their family would soon not only consist of one child, but two? What if Liv..-? No. She couldn't finish that thought and risk another breakdown in the middle of a toy store.

″Yeah. Yeah he will,″ Erin answered and forced a smile.

″When's the little one due?″

 _None of your business_ , Erin thought but she was able to control herself and not to spit out the words that were on the tip of her tongue.

″End of January.″

″January will come faster than you think. Whishing you all the best,″ the shop assistant smiled.

″Thank you.″

″In case you need something, just ask.″

″I appreciate it, thank you,″ Erin answered and started paying her attention on Noah again, hoping that the shop assistant would not come back.

″Anything else you want? Or can we go?″

″A stuffy.″

″Okay,″ she replied and pushed the cart over to where the stuffies were. He picked a little blue teddy and a quite big dog and was all smiles when they left the store. Erin was unbelievably relieved when they were on their drive home and Noah happily played with the two dinos back in his car seat, babbling all the time.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They played together for the rest of the afternoon and early evening and the distraction not only worked for Noah, but also for Erin. She was able not to think about Liv all the time and no one has called her throughout the afternoon as well. She assumed this was a good sign. It had to be. That's what she told herself all the time when doubts came up.

Later, she made dinner for herself and Noah, bathed him, read him a story and brought him to bed. Of course he asked for his mother again quite some times but as it has been a tough day for him, he fell asleep within minutes at least, all snuggeld up to Erin.

She was still lying in bed when she heard a silent knock on the door. She softly pushed Noah aside and got up, wondering who would visit her at that time of the day.

She opened the door and found Hank standing in front of it. She didn't say anything, just hugged him shortly, felt her tears coming up again. Hank allowed this short embrace as they both needed each other and this was their way of showing it and in this moment all the things that had happened were somehow forgotten.

″Come in,″ she said after ending their embrace.

Hank followed her and they sat down on the table. It was an awkward silence as Erin didn't dare to ask about Olivia.

″She's out of surgery,″ Hank said, reading her mind.

″How's she holding on?″

″All I know is that they had to revive her twice. She's now in the ICU. No one is allowed to visit her yet but Jay and Antonio are there at the Moment, waiting for an update.″

Erin sighed. It wasn't the answer she was hoping for but also not the answer she'd feared so much.

″Did you find this bastard?″ she asked bitterly.

″We have Kyson James. But Marshall is on the run and we have no idea where he is,″ he said and his face got harsh. ″We'll haunt this bastard down, no worries.″

″I know you will,″ she answered and touched his hand.

″You should go to the hospital, be there in case she wakes up. The two of you have a really good bond, haven't you?″

″It developed during the last times we met. She's a great person, someone I really like and look up to,″ she shrugged. ″But I think you should be there Hank,″ she said with a meaningful glance and of course it only took him seconds to figure out what she meant.

″Naah, I hate hospitals. I can't...-″ he paused. He didn't have to say anything else. Erin knew exactly what he wanted to say but couldn't speak out loud. He had been in the hospital every day for months when Camille got sick and had lost her in the end. And now, another person he obviously cared about was in critical condition in the very same hospital. Hank would never admit it, but she knew all the memories that came with it were to much for him to handle.

″Hank,″ she said softly and reached out for his hand again.

″Don't,″ he shook his head. ″I told Halstead to send you there. He's waiting for you.″

″I can't. Noah's sleeping.″

″Why do you think I'm here?″ he grinned tiredly.

″You're going to babysit?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

″I'm going to watch TV and drink a glass of wine and watch him sleep. He won't wake up, will he?″ he asked and Erin imagined how Noah would react when he'd wake up and only a stranger was there.

″He's pretty much out. But I think I should stay here. He doesn't know you and...-″

″I'll handle it, he knows me at least a bit,″ Hank replied but he could hardly hide his pride. In just two days Erin has completely changed. She put the toddler first and cared for him in a way, Hank hadn't thought was even possible. It seemed like she finally stepped up some steps on her way of becoming a mother.

″Alright. I think he will sleep through anyway,″ she nodded, trying to interpret his glance. ″There are some leftovers from dinner in the kitchen in case you're hungry,″ she said and pointed to the fridge.

″You cooked?″ he raised his eyebrows and couldn't hide his surprise.

″Why do you and Jay act like this is something out of this world?″ she asked.

″Because it is out of this world,″ he replied with a grin.

″You don't have to eat it though. Just wanted to be nice,″ she said and grabbed her jacket and her car key. ″Call me in case you need something, okay?″

″Sure. And you call me when there's any news on Liv's condition.″

″Got it,″ she replied and left the apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Her steps resounded when she walked through the empty hallway of the ICU station. She smelled germicide. And death. Chills went down her spine when she thought about how many people have already lost their lives here and when she thought about the last time she'd been here.

And then she saw him sitting there, on a couch in the waiting area of the ICU. The man whose embrace she has longed for the whole day. Jay got up and ran towards her when he saw her coming. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. She buried her head in his chest while Jay softly tickled her neck.

″Are you okay?″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair.

″No,″ she replied with barely no voice and wrapped her arms even tighter around him.

He sighed and placed another kiss on her head. They stood there like this for some more seconds and for the first time that day Erin did not feel completely broken.

″Let's sit down over there,″ he said and pointed to the couch. She nodded and he softly pushed her there. As soon as they've sat down, she rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Of course he did not miss how miserable she looked, so he just wanted to comfort her in any way possible.

They didn't know how long they've been sitting there like this when Will joined them. They both looked up, hoping to finally hear some good news.

″There were some complications during the surgery but all in all it went well. She's now in a medical induced coma to give her body the chance to heal. But she's not out of the woods yet. Our biggest sorrow right now is her blood pressure. She's on full dopamine but it's still too low. Sorry guys, I really wanted to give you some better news,″ Will explained.

″Thanks Will. Can we see her?″ Erin asked.

″Not yet, maybe in about an hour.″

″We should go to the cafeteria, eat something, drink something. You'll call us when we can see her, right?″ Jay asked his brother.

″Sure,″ he nodded.

″I'm not hungry. I cooked earlier.″

″Yah, but you didn't eat something,″ Jay stated and she looked up to him instantly. He knew her so well.

″Maybe not,″ she shrugged.

″Come on,″ he stood up and reached out for her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers when they walked towards the cafeteria.

″They only have soup, and those,″ he said and showed two candy bars when he came back to their table.

″Soup and chocolate sounds perfect too me,″ she replied and forced a small smile.

He placed the plate in front of her but as much as she wanted to eat something for him and for their baby, she couldn't. Jay got even more worried when he saw how she picked at her soup.

″What's going on Er? I know you and Liv became close friends, but there's something more to the story, right?″ he asked, took her Hand in his and tried to lock eyes with her.

″I don't know. It's just so hard. I mean how could I expect that my life would be drama-free for once?″ she replied with a bitter laughter.

″Hey, Liv's a fighter, okay? She will make it,″ he said and squeezed her hand.

″What if not?″ she quitely asked.

″She will. I'm sure she will,″ Jay answered, trying to encourage her. Erin felt tears coming up again and swallowed the lump in her throat.

″You know,″ she started and looked in his eyes just to lower her glance two seconds later. ″Before she faded away and they brought her to surgery she wanted to talk to me. She was so scared. She was barely able to talk at that point...but she asked me about Noah...whether we could take him...″ she spluttered and stared at the spoon in her soup.

″Of course we do, why wouldn't we?″ Jay answered.

″No Jay, you don't understand,″ she said and shook her head. ″This was not about now. This was about being his parents in case...I mean she was lying there, totally weak and she thought she has to die, I couldn't say no, right?″ Her voice was more of a whisper than anything else and she still didn't look him in the eyes.

Jay sighed. This was a lot. And it was honestly something he never had expected.

″Of course not,″ he replied.

″I mean I had to say yes. I'm sorry I couldn't ask you,″ she said and he saw how tears rolled down her cheeks. He reached out and wiped them away with his thumb and then softly grabbed her chin so that she had to look him in the eyes.

″Hey, Er, you did the right thing. The only right thing,″ he convinced her and stroked her cheek.

″Yeah...but this...I mean it's already huge enough for us to have our baby. But this...all of it...our baby and now Noah, this isn't the life we chose.″

″It's not the life we chose. But it's the life we got and sometimes you have to accept that and take what life gives you.″

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″And I still don't know why for God's sake she asked me. Yes we are friends but there are so many people in New York she knows better than me. People Noah knows better than me. Why would she want me to take care of him? Me Jay? She knows me and she knows my story and all day I've been trying to figure out why out of all the people she has in her life and knows for so long already, she would ask and trust me. Why me Jay?″ she asked desperately.

″Because you're an amazing person, Er,″ he answered. ″Because she is in Chicago right now and none of her other friends were here. So of course she asked you because she wanted to be sure that someone takes care of her son, she wanted to hear herself that someone is there for him in case she dies. It didn't matter for her that she has maybe better friends in New York, you were there and you were the only one who could promise it in the second she needed to hear this promise.″

″I should've been her very last option because just some hours ago I messed up already,″ she said and a sardonic laughter filled the air of the cafeteria.

″What happened?″

″He didn't stop asking about her and at one point I simply couldn't handle it anymore. What do you tell a two-and-a-half-year-old whose mother is most likely going to die?″

″I don't know. What did you do?″

″I took him to the toy store and allowed him to take everything he wants. Mostly. What does this tell you about my mom-skills?″ she asked, again with a bitter laughter escaping from her mouth.

″Regarding the situation I think it was the best you could've done,″ Jay answered, trying his best to convince her that this hadn't been bad at all.

″It wasn't but I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted him to stop asking,″ she sighed. ″Anyway, the point is, there was this shop assistant and she basically told me something like this is going to be a handful. I really didn't catch it at first. Then she explained that she meant two kids that young will be a handful but she's sure that Noah's going to be a great big brother. I immediately wanted to tell her that Noah is not my child but I couldn't. I started to think about what I agreed to. What I promised. Jay, what if Noah makes us a family before we even are a family? What if an upside down turned life is our future? We can't handle this..″ she said and he voice was still filled with pure desperation.

″Erin, I know this is a lot for you at the moment. And for me too, believe me. But you and me, we can handle everything. As long as we have each other.″ He stood up and pulled her up from her stool, hugged her tightly. ″That's all that matters, okay?″ he whispered and placed another kiss on her head.

″Thank you,″ she said and looked up to him, into his caring and loving blue eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She still didn't believe that they could handle anything of this but right now she just needed him to be there for her, needed his comfort, needed to hear the things he said and needed him to hold her tight, to somehow keep her together.

″And you know, I'm 100% sure that Liv is going to make it. She's a fighter and she'll be back with us soon,″ he said and tried to encourage not only Erin with his words, but also himself.

Erin was right when she had told him that this wasn't the life they chose, because it honestly wasn't. Of course he wanted to be a father, was excited to become a father, looked forward to the birth of their daughter with a whole lot of anticipation, but that didn't mean he was actually ready for it...

* * *

 **Reviews are appreciated, as always :) I'll try my best to give you the next one before the weekend!**


	29. Code Blue

**Thank you so much for the review and for helping me to break through the 200-wall :) Your support really means a lot and keeps me motivated :)**

* * *

 **29.** **Code Blue**

They were allowed to see Liv about half an hour later. Tubes were coming out on both sides of her thorax and a big tube connected with the ventilation machine went down her throat and kept her alive. Erin sat next to her bed in silence for a while, Jay standing behind her, just listening to the rhythmic alarm tones that controlled Liv's pulse and heartbeat.

″We should go home Erin. Hank can't stay at your apartment the whole night,″ Jay suggested and laid his hands on her shoulders, massaged them gently.

″I'll stay,″ she replied and shook her head.

″Erin-″

″Jay, please. I need to stay. I don't know why, it's a feeling.″

″The only thing you need is sleep,″ he sighed and when Erin turned her head around to him she saw this deep worry on his face again.

″I can sleep here. But I'm not going to leave her tonight.″

″What about Noah?″ he asked and got down on his knees in front of her.

″I'll be back before he wakes up in the morning.″

Jay didn't like that. Not at all. But he knew he had no chance in this case. He was worried about Erin. The day has been more than just exhausting for her and considering her pregnancy and her current emotional state, she should really slow down and not spend the night awake, worrying about her friend.

″I can't do something that makes you go home with me, can I?″

″Not tonight, I owe her to stay here. I somehow need to take care of her, be there for her.″

″I understand. But please, try to relax a bit, okay?″ he begged her with worried eyes.

″I do,″ she replied and stroked his cheek.

″Fine, call me if anything changes.″

She nodded in response and kissed him gently, tried her best to show him that she was fine.

″I love you,″ he said afterwards and kissed her again before he left.

″So, it's just you and me now, I think,″ she said, breaking the unbearable silence in the room. It felt weird talking to someone who couldn't respond but she'd quite some experience with it as the ICU has become her living room in the last few months.

″Listen Liv, I don't know whether you can hear me but maybe you do. I know you are a fighter. Hell, you already had to fight so many times in your life, so please do me a favor and also keep on fighting this time. No matter how hard it is. I know giving up is not yours. Do it for your little boy. He needs you, maybe more than you know. You're his mother and he loves you so much. And although I promised to take care of him I will never be able to replace you and be a mother for him. He misses you and he knows that something is different. Every time he asks about you and I have to lie to him, it breaks my heart. Maybe I'm selfish at this point but I can't let you go. Becoming a mother scares the hell out of me. It honestly does. And although you obviously absolutely trust me and my maternal instincts, I have to disappoint you and tell you that I'm not ready to be a mother yet. I don't even know whether I'll be ready in January when this little lady makes her entrance,″ she said quietly and placed one hand on her stomach. ″So please, please, please, keep on fighting Liv. Don't leave your little boy alone. I know you can do that. You are one of the strongest women I know, so just show them all what a real fighter looks like, okay?″ Tears rolled down her face towards the end of her little speech. Just some weeks ago she had cried more than ever because she had thought she was going to lose Jay. And now here she was again, back at bawling her eyes out. She partly blamed it on the pregnancy hormones but throughout the last months she'd also learned that she didn't have to hide her emotions anymore. She didn't have to play the strong girl when she didn't feel like being it. No one blamed her for showing how fragile she was and especially now, with Liv being in a coma and no one else around, she didn't give a shit at all.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin arrived at her apartment around 3.30 in the morning she was barely able to keep her eyes open. The night had passed without any major incidents and one of the doctors that had come in to check on Liv's vitals had told her it was the best sign possible that she was that stable. She'd then decided to go home as she hasn't slept for even one minute while she was sitting right next to Liv's bed.

She just changed her clothes to pajamas and crawled into the bed, right next to Jay. Her back ached from sitting in that chair for so long and lying down already brought a lot of relief.

″Hey,″ Jay whispered.

″Keep on sleeping,″ she whispered back while he wrapped his arm around her waist from behind.

″How late is it?″

″Around four or so,″ she mumbled.

″Sleep well,″ he sighed and placed a kiss on her hair.

While Erin fell asleep within seconds, Jay was fully awake now. He laid there and inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, tried to get himself back to sleep. But his thoughts kept him from sleeping. He was worried about Erin. Really worried. Not only because he was sure that she hasn't slept one second while she had been in the hospital but because of all the current circumstances. What would happen to them if Liv would really die? Or better, what would it do to Erin? The fragile woman he loved more than anything else and that was his soulmate. The girl that had almost lost all the people in her live she loved and cared about and now carried their daughter under her heart. From the second she'd told him she was pregnant he knew that she was not ready for anything of this and that becoming a family would be the challenge of their together life. Every time he thought about the fact that he was going to be a father soon, his heart started racing of excitement. Becoming a father was something he'd always dreamed about but never had thought would ever come true. He knew it wasn't the same for Erin. She wasn't as excited as him. She was scared. And her fear made it so hard for her to deal with her pregnancy and to accept all the changes that came with it.

In addition, her past of course still had a huge impact on her and as much as he tried to encourage her, she didn't believe in herself when it came to motherhood, still thought she was too much like Bunny. And now Noah? Would he make her a mother even earlier? He knew she wouldn't be able to raise a two-and-a-half-year-old who had lost his mother and deal with her own grief. He wasn't even sure whether he was.

Erin surely has already come a long way since the beginning of her pregnancy. From not accepting, denying, hiding and ignoring it in the beginning she has slowly started to accept it, to care about it, and to be happy about it during the last few weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more. And these past two days with Noah were a big step forward on her way of becoming a mother. He was sure that Erin didn't even realize that but he did. Noah let her grow. But Liv dying, leaving Noah behind and leaving her the burden to raise a child she barely knew when becoming a mother to her own child already was huge for her? That would be too much for her. That would break her. Again. And he wasn't sure how many more times he'd be able to fix her again.

 _Stop it, maybe all these sorrows are of no earthly use_ , he thought when he recognized how much this topic drove him crazy. He always used to say that everything in life happens for a reason but he couldn't figure out what the reason of this drama was. And why they had to handle another drama at all. Wasn't it enough what they've already been through? Were they really not supposed to have a happy life for once? Didn't life already play rough enough with both of them in the past? Didn't they finally deserve a happy-end?

All of these questions didn't help him falling back to sleep. He decided not to try it any longer, just laid there and stared to the ceiling while his mind kept on working.

Around seven in the morning he recognized that Noah started to get unsettled. He quickly got up before the toddler would wake Erin up as he wanted her to sleep as long as possible.

″Hey Noah,″ he whispered and picked him up from his travel bed.

Noah rubbed his eyes and gave him a confused look but luckily he didn't start to cry. Jay took him to the living room and sat down with him on his blanket on the floor.

″Where Ewin?″ he asked.

″She's sleeping,″ Jay whispered.

″And mommy?″

″She's not here at the moment. She wants you to stay with me and Erin, do you remember?″ Jay asked and prayed that he would not have another meltdown now.

″Mhm,″ he nodded. ″When Ewin play with me?″

″Not now. But you know what? I will play with you. How about that? Both of us build a tower and we both have to be super quiet okay? And the one who is more quiet and has the better tower wins, alright?″

Noah nodded eagerly and started to build his tower.

 _That worked well_ , Jay thought and couldn't avoid a sneaky grin.

Erin woke up about an hour later. She stretched herself and yawned and reached for Jay but his side of the bed was empty and cold. She looked over to Noah's travel bed but it was empty as well so she got up and walked to the living room but remained in the door frame when she saw Noah and Jay peacefully and silently playing together. Her heart got warm and she couldn't hide a smile. For some seconds she forgot all the drama around her and just imagined how Jay would sit there one day and play with their little girl. For the first time she felt like really being ready for this and for the first time she had the urgent wish that their daughter was already here. Then there was this perfect picture in her head, of Jay holding and cuddling their newborn daughter and just thinking about it made her heart burst.

″Ewiiin,″ Noah screamed and came running to her.

″Hey buddy, how are you doing?″ She got down to her knees and hugged him.

″Play with me and Jay,″ he answered and grabbed her hand, pulling her to his toys. She sat down next to Jay and kissed him.

″So what did you think about before this gentleman interrupted you?″ he asked her.

″Nothing,″ she smirked.

″Come on, you grinned like a Chesire cat,″ he laughed.

″Did I?″

″Oh yes,″ he nodded, a soft smile surrounding his lips.

″It's just...I don't know. When I saw the two of you playing together I had these pictures in my head.″

″What pictures?″ he asked and he was quite curious now.

″You holding and cuddling our tiny newborn daughter and then playing with her like this one day. It made me...yeah...I think it made me happy,″ she whispered. ″And full of anticipation,″ she added and Jay saw her eyes sparkling. Was there really some excitement in her eyes? Some real excitement? Jay didn't know what to answer, her words just made him genuinely happy. He crashed his lips with hers in an intense kiss but only as long as Noah interrupted them again. He wasn't satisfied with getting less attention.

Erin played with Noah for some time while Jay took a shower and got ready for work as he was late already anyway. Just when he came back to the living room, his phone rang.

″Yeah, got it. I'm on my way,″ was all he said.

Erin looked up to him, some serious questionmarks on her face and Jay could tell she was worried as well.

″We got a hint on Marshall,″ he said.

Erin nodded and got up, wrapped his arms around his body, somehow didn't want him to leave.

″Be careful, okay?″ she begged and he could see the sorrow in her hazel-green eyes.

″I will. Do me a favor: don't worry too much, okay?″

″Can't promise that but I'll try,″ she answered and kissed him.

″See you tonight?″ he asked.

″No way. I can't sit around here and wait and as I can't go to the hospital with Noah because I don't want him to see Liv like that, I'll come to work later. At least for a while.″

″I'd like it better if you'd try to catch some more sleep,″ he said and his face once again reflected so much concern for her.

″Yeah sure, great idea with a two-year-old running around here. I'm sure that'll work perfectly fine,″ she replied and couldn't hide a sarcastic undertone.

″Er-.″

″Jay I'm fine, honestly. I just need to be around somehow, okay?″

″Okay,″ he sighed and placed a kiss on her forehead.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin and Noah arrived at the bullpen two hours later, it was all empty, not even Mouse was there. The hint they'd gotten must've been a success. Erin placed Noah's blanket and all of his toys on the floor next to her desk and Noah immediately started playing with them. This morning, he had only asked about his mother occasionally and he hadn't cried as much as the day before. But Erin's headaches have come back nonetheless most likely as a result of her current sleep deprivation. She went to the break room and made herself a cup of tea and then got back to her desk. Just when she started to work on her computer, Platt entered the room.

″Erin do you need anything?″ she asked with a voice that was completely different than usually.

″Uhm no, thank you, I'm fine,″ Erin replied, trying to figure out what Platt's changed behavior was about.

″Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday,″ Platt apologized and Erin tried to remember when Platt has apologized to someone the last time. It must've been a while since she couldn't think of a such a situation.

″Yeah, it's okay. We all have our bad days, right? Maybe you have them more often than others but anyways,″ she shrugged but Platt seemed to ignore that little side blow.

″You know, I honestly just wanted to tell you how honorable it is what you are doing for Lieutenant Benson.″ Erin could tell from her face that Platt didn't just try to be nice, she really meant it.

″She'd do the same for me. And this little boy needs someone he knows and trusts. Someone who's there for him,″ she sighed and pointed to Noah.

″You're going to be a great mother, Detective,″ she answered, knocked on her desk, turned around and left Erin speechless. She couldn't believe that Platt had said these words in all honesty and seriousness, with no sarcastic or mean undertone. Platt wasn't known for spreading compliments, was instead known for her always sardonic (Pl)attitude, but this might just have been the biggest compliment she could've paid her.

Erin played with Noah for a little while and later phoned with Will, who was in steady contact with the ICU, asking him about Liv's condition but nothing has changed since the early morning hours. Her blood pressure was still the biggest problem but she was as stable as possible.

Just when she'd finished the call, her colleagues entered the bullpen. They looked a little harassed but also satisfied.

″Do you have him?″ she immediately asked and they nodded in response.

″Where is he?″ she asked and got up from her chair.

″Down in the cage,″ Adam answered. "Jay and Antonio try to get him talking."

″Let me do the talking,″ she said with a strong and determined voice but Hank came towards her, blocked her way.

″This is a little too much for you regarding..-″

″Regarding what?″ she interrupted him, lifting her voice.

″Regarding that you're way too emotional about that,″ he said, looking directly into her eyes.

″I'm not. I wanna do this. I need to do this,″ she said insistent.

″You don't. He gets what he deserves, believe me Erin,″ Hank answered patiently.

″Hank-″

″Erin,″ he interrupted her and now his voice was rising, too. ″I won't discuss that with you.″

″I was not able to help you chasing this bastard down. I owe it to Liv.″

″You don't owe her anything. And now go back to your desk.″ Al, Kevin, Mouse and Adam could feel the tension between them and felt a little uncomfortable to witness this fight.

″This is not fair. He shot down my friend. He maybe made this little boy a complete orphan. Give me five minutes with him. Just five damn minutes,″ she yelled.

″This is exactly what I meant when I said you're too much emotionally involved. You can't keep yourself cool. You'll stay here. Ruzek, Atwater, keep an eye on her,″ he ordered and left them again.

Erin could feel her anger coming up and kicked against the shelf standing next to her.

″Erin, calm down,″ Adam gently said and tried to grab her arm.

″Don't touch me unless you want to get punched really bad,″ she snapped and went back to her desk. She glanced down to Noah and watched him peacefully playing for some minutes. She felt how another lump in her throat came up. She owed it to Noah. And to Liv. She wanted to look this bastard in the eyes. She wanted to see him herself.

She picked Noah up from the floor and went towards the interrogation rooms, but Kevin blocked her way.

″Erin, you know I can't let you go there,″ he sighed.

″He needs a new diaper. And believe me, you don't want to start it stinking,″ she shrugged.

″Okay okay,″ Kevin answered, holding his hands up in defence and let her pass without hesitation.

She let Noah down to the floor when she was around the corner.

″Listen, we play a game okay? You're running back to your toys and I'm trying to catch you, alright?″

″Yaah,″ he laughed.

″Okay, go,″ she said. Noah ran back into the bullpen and Erin made her way in the opposite direction.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You almost killed my friend!″ she screamed, storming towards the cage. ″Maybe you killed her. You took the mother of a two-year-old!″

″Halstead, get her out of here!″ Hank yelled.

Jay ran to her, pulled her back but she was able to escape his grasp.

″You are going to regret this for the rest of your life and you will pray every day that you'd never crossed my way,″ she yelled, directly looking into Marshall's dark eyes, not seeing the tiniest bit of regret in them but much more earning a glance that sent chills down her spine.

″Halstead!″ Hank shouted again.

Jay grabbed Erin's arm and pulled her back again. This time she wasn't able to escape his grasp but she didn't want to anyway. He took her to task outside of the precinct.

″What the hell were you thinking?″ he asked and his voice came furious, annoyed.

″Don't expect me to say I'm sorry, because I'm not!″ she spat.

″He told you to stay upstairs!″

″I don't care what he told me. I had to do it!″

″Hank knows what he's doing and why he's saying things like that Erin.″

″Oh wow congrats, you're defending him now?″ she asked sarcastically.

″I'm not. But sometimes he knows it better,″ he answered, getting his voice under control.

″And sometimes he doesn't. I had to look him in his eyes. It somehow was important for me,″ she whispered. Thirty seconds ago she had been the stubborn and strong woman and now he could see how she was becoming the fragile, broken girl again. He hated to see her like this, so he wrapped his arms around her back and held her tight.

″Okay,″ he said and placed a soft kiss on her head.

″I'll go and visit Liv. I'll tell her that we have him. Maybe it'll help her to keep on fighting,″ she mumbled into his chest.

″What about Noah?″

″Could you?″ She looked up to him but she didn't even have to finish her request as he already nodded, his eyes being so soft but yet still so worried.

″Thank you,″ she said and buried her face in his chest again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Will,″ Erin called when she entered the emergency department of Chicago Med, seeing her brother-in-law talking to one of his colleagues.

″Erin,″ he nodded, ended his conversation and came to her.

″Do you have a minute?″

″For you always,″ he winked.

″Any news on Liv? When will you guys be able to wake her up?″ she asked him, having a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

″Erin,″ he sighed. ″She has some serious injuries and her body is anything but strong at the moment. We tried to reduce the dopamine dose rate this morning but it didn't work out. We don't know where her low blood pressure comes from but we can't keep her on that maximum dose rate for too long.″

″What does that mean?″ she asked and Will could see the fear returning to her face.

″I don't think you wanna know.″

″Will, please,″ she begged but the bad feeling immediately made a comeback as Will obviously wanted to protect her from something.

″It will sooner or later lead to multiple organ failure,″ he said and Erin's heart dropped for what felt like the hundreth time in two days. She exhaled a deep breath, covered her head in her hands. She lost a little more of the small piece of hope that was left in her.

″Hey, Erin, listen, it's barely been 20 hours since the surgery. Just give her some time,″ Will tried to encourage her, although he knew that things didn't look well at all.

″She can't die Will,″ Erin whispered desperately. ″She can't die. I can't let her die. I know I promised it but I can't...″ she stopped, trying to get herself together, trying not to break down in front of her brother-in-law, trying to look like she could handle all of this while she knew she couldn't.

″I know,″ he simply answered and hugged the fragile woman in front of him. He felt so bad for her and asked himself why she had to go through so much drama at the moment. This wasn't fair, she absolutely didn't deserve that. ″We won't let her die, you understand?″

″Mhm,″ she nodded and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″You should catch some sleep, you don't look good to put it the nice way,″ he stated and forced a smile.

″Yeah, maybe later. I'll visit her first. I have to tell her that we have that bastard. Maybe it'll help,″ she said and turned around.

″I'm sure it does,″ he replied and watched her walking away, hoping that all of this wasn't too much for her. Again.

″Hey Liv,″ she said when she entered her room on the ICU. She was still as white as the walls surrounding her and didn't look too good at all, maybe even worse than the day before. Erin sat down next to her bed and grabbed her hand.

″I guess I just wanted to tell you, we got him. They caught him this morning and now he's going to pay for what he did to you. And to all of his other victims. He'll get what he deserves, I promise you. I saw his eyes and I saw no regret in them. But believe me, we're going to make him regret all the things he did every day for the rest of his life,″ Erin said and she recognized how her voice rose with every word she said, her own anger coming up again.

She stayed with Liv for the whole afternoon, telling her stories about Noah, about Hank and about Jay and herself. Every once in a while she told her that she had to keep on fighting and that she wasn't allowed to leave them all behind.

It was around four in the afternoon when Jay joined her. She got frightened when someone suddenly wrapped his arms around her from behind as she hasn't seen him coming.

″Hey, keep cool,″ Jay whispered in her ear. She turned her head around and looked him in the eyes.

″Cheeez Jay, you want to have me a heart attack?″

″Not quite.″

″Then never do this again,″ she sighed. She looked so damn exhausted and Jay's concern even grew although he thought this wasn't possible anymore.

″I'm sorry,″ he mumbled and kissed her cheek. ″How's she doing?″

″Nothing new,″ Erin shrugged.

″That's a good thing.″

″Maybe. Maybe not.″

″It is. No bad news is good news,″ he replied and knelt down next to her chair, holding her hand and looking up to her.

″Hopefully,″ she sighed. ″Where's Noah?″

″He's in the children's room with one of the nurses. I thought the three of us could do something together. Maybe taking a walk on the lake, going to that big playground with Noah and eating ice cream.″

″First thing: it'll be dark outside soon. Second thing: ice cream in November? Third thing: don't you have to go back to work?″ she asked and raised her eyebrow.

″Chicago is nice in the moonlight. And I don't care whether we eat ice cream or drink a hot chocolate, but you need to get out of here and get some distraction. And for the third thing: Hank gave me the rest of the day off to take care of my...family,″ he quietly added and placed his hand on her stomach, stroking it softly with his thumb.

″You're right, let's go,″ she smiled tiredly and got up. But as soon as she was on her feet she felt dizziness hitting her body and for some moments she saw stars dancing around her. Jay immediately reached out for her when he saw her dithering.

″Hey, hey, hey, what was that?″ he asked her all worried and pushed her back to the chair.

″Nothing,″ she answered and rubbed her aching temples.

″Don't tell me that.″

″I just got up too fast. That's it.″

″Maybe you should see a doctor, too,″ he said, got down on his knees again and softly stroked her knee.

″Jay, I'm fine, really. And fresh air and tons of sugary ice cream will help better than any doctor,″ she answered.

″You'd tell me if something was wrong, right? I mean with you or the baby? If you'd have any pain...anything,″ he quietly asked. He was worried that all the stress of the last days would harm their baby and of course Erin as well.

″Just headaches from not getting enough sleep last night and therefore getting up too fast is not the best idea, I promise,″ she said. She knew this wasn't about just her anymore but except the headaches and dizziness caused by her current lack of sleep she felt as always.

″And for baby Halstead, she's as fine as always, proving me her boxing skills all the time,″ she smiled, putting his hand on her belly so he could feel that there were no reasons to be worried.

″Guess she wants some ice cream too, huh?″ he asked, getting a bit more relaxed after he felt the strong movement of his daughter.

″Yeah, I think ice cream combined with a hot dog would be just fine for her right now,″ she laughed and ran her fingers through Jay's hair.

″Delicious,″ he laughed. ″But whatever you want,″ he added and kissed her softly before pulling her up from her chair and leaving Liv's bedside with his arm wrapped around her shoulders, agreeing on the way to the children's room that they would go to bed really early tonight.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay, Erin and Noah spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with strolling along Lake Michigan. They ate hot dogs and ice cream and fed the ducks. Noah laughed all the time and was distracted enough to not even ask about his mother once. It seemed like he started to trust Erin and Jay more and more and accepted the fact that his mom was not here now, but would come back soon.

They later went to the big playground close to Millenium Park although it was already almost dark. But as the playground was flodded with lights and as it wasn't too cold yet, it worked out fine. Erin sat down on the bench and watched the boys playing on the monkey bars, swinging together and sliding together. From time to time Jay swirled the toddler through the air and happy screams and laughters could be heard all over the playground. Erin felt her heart burst again while watching the two of them together. The fact that this man was the father of her unborn child let her beamingly smile. Her pregnancy was a challenge for her as it came as unplanned as possible, but with every day passing she got happier about it, especially when she looked into Jay's sparkling eyes or when she watched these beautiful scenes like now. How did she get so lucky that the universe blessed her with a man that was truly and obviously made to be a father? How did she even deserve someone like him? A man who gave all his heart to comfort the people he loved. A man that would accept Noah as his son without even thinking about it. A man that loved her unconditionally, no matter what. A man that was the missing piece to the puzzle she was and made her feel complete.

″Your boys?″ someone suddenly asked next to her. She's been that deep in her thoughts that she hasn't even realized that another woman has sat down next to her.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded smilingly without even thinking about the fact that Noah wasn't their child.

″He's a great father. At least it looks like he is,″ the woman said and pointed to Noah and Jay who were back at the monkey bars.

″Oh yes he is. Without a doubt,″ Erin said, not being able to turn her gaze away from Noah and Jay.

″Theirs ran away before my youngest was even born,″ the woman told and pointed to two boys aged around four and six.

″Sorry to hear that.″

″Don't be. We're better without him. And we've never been that picture perfect family that you guys obviously are. And we never will be,″ she sighed, focussing more on Jay and Noah than her own kids. Erin didn't know what to answer but she somehow felt bad for her.

″I really don't know you and I normally never give advice to people I don't know, but try to be thankful for what you have, not longing for what others have. It's not easy sometimes but it really helps to bring things into the right perspective. You have two super cute boys and you're all they have, you're their hero, just keep that in mind.″

″Are you a social worker?″ she frowned.

″Naah, I'm a cop. I see lots of broken families day in, day out. And you don't look like being one of them what makes you a picture perfect family for me, too,″ Erin answered and gave her a smile.

″Erin, come here,″ Jay called and waved.

″Guess I gotta go then,″ Erin said and got up.

″Well...thank you..for the things you said. I think I really needed to hear them.″

″No worries.″

″And good luck,″ she said and pointed to Erin's swollen stomach that was more than obvious as her jacket wasn't closed. It was still weird for her that now everybody could see that she was pregnant. Pregnancy was such a private thing but with her stomach growing day by day it of course became visible for the whole world and everybody wanted to take part in it.

″Thank you,″ she answered and went over to Jay and Noah.

″What's up guys?″ she asked while Jay handed Noah to her.

″I want to climb up there,″ he replied. Erin raised her eyebrow in disbelief.

″Are you serious with me right now?″

″Absolutely,″ he chuckled and climbed up the monkey bars that were obviously made for kids.

″Is Jay a bit silly today?″ she asked Noah and tickled him softly.

″Yaaah,″ the boy squeezed joyfully.

″I think you're right,″ she laughed and looked up to Jay, who was sitting on top of the monkey bars.

″So, how's the view?″ she grinned.

″Incredible. Wanna join me?″

″Definitely not.″

″I want,″ Noah said and reached his hands out for Jay. She lifted him up and Jay grabbed his small hands, pulling him up and placing him right next to himself.

″Look at that: like two apes in a tree,″ Erin laughed and shook her head. She took her phone out of her pocket and made a photo of them. She would show this one to Liv one day.

They spent another half an hour on the playground before Noah slowly started to get grumpy. Erin placed him in his buggy and covered a blanket over him and he fell asleep while they were strolling along the lake, Jay pushing the buggy with one hand and having his other arm wrapped around Erin's shoulders while she had her arm wrapped around his waist. For some time they just walked next to each other, enjoyed the starry night and each others closeness.

″What about your headaches?″

″Gone,″ she answered and buried her head tighter on his shoulder.

″Thank God,″ he sighed.

″No, thank you,″ she whispered. He stopped walking, looked down into her eyes which looked not as tired and exhausted as before but still too tired for Jay to completely push his worries aside.

″For what?″ he asked.

″For just being who you are,″ she smiled while focussing his bright blue eyes. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

″Honestly Jay, thank you. For everything. You know what I need most before I know it myself. You always find a way to make me feel better, no matter what kind of drama surrounds us. I wouldn't know what to do if I hadn't you,″ she said and buried her face in his chest.

″Always,″ he just whispered and kissed her again while rubbing her back. ″I love you and I have to thank you for being everything I always dreamed about. And for giving me everything I never even dared to dream about,″ he added and softly rubbed her belly.

″I can't wait until she's finally here,″ she said, placing her hand on top of his.

″Really? I thought you wanted her to stay in there forever,″ he chuckled.

″Hey,″ she replied and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″I can't wait for the day when my stomach is not longer her soccer field and my bladder her punching bag. And when my clothes fit again,″ she grinned.

″So that's the real reason, huh?″ he winked.

″No it isn't. Just a nice side effect, you know?″ Erin laughed.

″Yaah, but seriously, what about all your fears?″

″They faded a bit within the last couple of days but I think they will never completely go. I just want to know how she looks and I want to see you falling in love with her five seconds after her birth,″ she twinkled.

″Five seconds? I don't think it will even take one second because I'm sure she'll look just like her mom,″ he answered with a glowing smile surrouning his lips.

″Naaah, I want her to have your eyes and your chin and your lips,″ she whispered while her own lips got closer to his.

″Mamaaa,″ Noah started screaming just when they wanted to kiss again. Erin sighed and got down on her knees in front of him.

″What's up buddy?″ she asked him gently and stroked his cheeks.

″Where's mommy?″ he cried.

″She'll be back soon, do you remember?″

″Noooo,″ he screamed and it seemed like they finally got their meltdown out in public.

″Noah, it's okay. Everything is alright,″ she tried to calm him down, but his cries only got louder.

″He's super tired,″ Erin said and looked up to Jay.

″Let's get him home,″ he answered and picked him up. Noah tried to squirm free of his grasp and kicked him with his little feet but Jay didn't care. He let him scream and squirm as much as he wanted and held him tightly on the way back to the parking garage.

When they arrived at Erin's apartment he had calmed down a bit, still sobbing onto Jay's shoulder. Erin changed his diaper for the night and put him his pajama on and laid down with him in her bed, reading him a story while running her fingers through his hair. Surprisingly it took nearly one hour until he finally fell asleep. Jay came into the bedroom, picked the sleeping toddler up and placed him in his own bed, lovingly covering him with his blanket.

″You should go to bed,″ he said when he joined Erin on the couch in the living room.

″Yeah I will. Later. I don't think I could really sleep anyway.″

″Er, you can barely keep your eyes open.″

″Just hold me Jay,″ she whispered.

He didn't let her ask twice and wrapped her arms around her, holding her as tight as possible. She buried her head on his shoulder and traced circles on his chest with her fingers. She needed him. She needed him so much.

″I really try to stay positive about this whole situation, but all the negative thoughts just came back and hit me with full force,″ she said and for Jay it sounded like she was apologizing for her behavior.

″It's okay. I am here,″ he replied and buried his head in her hair. His strong arms wrapped around her tiny body was all she needed right now. And the feeling that he would never leave her.

″I know,″ she mumbled, feeling how she relaxed in his embrace as almost always.

After about half an hour Jay realized that Erin was peacefully sleeping in his arms. He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She groaned a bit when he placed her in the bed but she didn't wake up. He covered the blanket over her, softly kissed her forehead and went back to the living room to watch TV for an hour before he also went to bed.

The loud ringing of a phone let them both start up around midnight. Erin immediately knew that something bad must have happened. Otherwise no one would call them in the middle of the night. With trembling fingers she grabbed her phone.

″Will?″ she asked and her heart was racing in her chest.

″It's not looking good,″ was the only thing he said.

″I'm on my way,″ she replied while she swallowed the sudden lump in her throat and hung up.

″What happened?″ Jay asked but he could already tell from her face that it was bad.

″I don't know,″ she spluttered. ″It's not looking good. I gotta go. Could you-″

Once again she didn't even have to ask as he already nodded. She got up, grabbed her jeans and a pullover and changed her clothes within seconds.

″I'll call you,″ she said and ran out of the apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

She came running into Chicago Med some twenty minutes later. As she didn't want to wait for the elevator she ran up the stairs to the ICU. Will was already waiting for her in front of Liv's room. This couldn't be a good sign and Erin already saw the worst-case-scenario coming true.

″What happened?″ she asked before she was even close to him.

″Code blue. We had to do CPR but she's stable now again. We don't know where it came from but her condition is even more critical and unstable now.″

Erin tried to catch some breath as this information made her feel like she was suffocating and she felt her stomach turning again.

″Can I see her?″

″Yes, sure. I'll be down in the ED again, in case you need me.″

″Yeah, thank you,″ she said and walked into Liv's room.

″Please stop frightening me like that,″ she said and sat down on the edge of her bed. ″You can't do this to me. I thought I have to say goodbye now. Please Liv, I know you are strong. I know you can do that. Don't give up. I am here with you and I will stay here and fight with you. Just promise me you won't give up.″ Hot tears spilled down her face, showing how desperate she was but also because this whole situation brought back so many memories from when Jay had been in a critical condition some short weeks ago.

She sat there in complete silence, avidly listening to the rhythmic beeps when they suddenly didn't seem to be so rhythmic anymore. The machine that controlled her heartbeat started to beep louder and faster and an alarm tone started to ring.

″Code Blue, Code Blue, Code Blue,″ it clanged through the room and the hall. It only took some seconds and Erin was pushed aside by Dr. Rhodes and some of his colleagues, watched them fighting for Liv's life once again. She sent silent prayers up to heaven. Prayers for a miracle. Prayers for a happy-end while there wasn't any hope left in her, while she felt like she was drowning once again.

″Alright we go to the OR again. We must have missed something,″ Dr. Rhodes said and they pushed Liv's bed out of the room.

Erin followed him, grabbing his arm. ″Please.″

″I know,″ he simply answered and followed his colleagues into the OR.

Erin felt how the dizziness hit her body again and she firmed up her hands on the door frame.

″Are you okay?″ one of the nurses asked her.

″Yeah, I'm...aaaahhhhh,″ she groaned and got down on her knees, trying to breathe through the stabbing pain that just has hit her lower stomach. It felt like someone has stabbed a knife right into her uterus.

″Hey,″ the nurse said, lying her hand on Erin's shoulder and got down on her knees as well. ″I need some help here,″ she yelled.

″It's nothing,″ Erin said, recovering from the pain but yet she stayed down on the floor. ″It was just...aaaaaaahhhhh!″ She placed her hand on her stomach when it felt like someone stabbed her again. But even harder and deeper this time. She tried to catch some air when she saw stars dancing around herself but the darkness already closed in as another wave of pain went through her stomach...

* * *

 **I'll try my best to upload again asap and not let you hang there for too long. Although you might not like the ending, please leave a review and tell me what you think!**


	30. All My Fault

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback on my last chapter. I might've said that before but when I started this story I never imagined it to turn out like this, that so many of you are interested in the things my crazy fantasy creates! So on to chapter 30, hope you like it :)**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.**

* * *

 **30\. All My Fault**

 _Finally_ , Jay thought when his phone rang. He has been up ever since Erin had left around two hours ago and has been eagerly waiting for her call. He stopped shortly when he saw that it wasn't Erin who was calling him, but his brother.

″Will, what's up? Is she..-?″

″This is not about Liv,″ Will interrupted him. ″It's Erin. She collapsed.″

Jay's heart dropped to his knees within seconds and he felt hot and cold and nauseous all in once. His worst fear has come true and he felt like drowning just like in his nightmare some weeks ago. With the big difference that it was real this time.

″Jay?″ Will asked.

″I'm...I'm coming,″ he stamered and hung up.

Jay paced up and down in the living room for a moment and tried to sort his thoughts and feelings but he was a complete mess. He wanted to leave the apartment instantly, needed to be with Erin, needed to know what has happened to her and needed to be sure that she was fine but there was Noah he had to take care of. He didn't want to take him to the ER in the middle of the night, so he only had one option. With sweaty, shaky fingers he dialed Hanks number.

″Halstead I already know about Liv,″ he greeted him.

″It's not Liv. Erin went to the hospital...she collapsed there.″

″What? How is she doing?″

″I don't know. I need to go there but I have no one who keeps an eye on Noah.″

″I'll be there in ten,″ Hank answered and the next thing Jay heard was the free-line-signal.

He changed his clothes and waited for Hank to arrive. Seconds seemed like minutes, minutes like hours. And all these worst-case-scenarios in his head right now didn't help him to calm down at all.

He exhaled a deep breath when he finally heard a knock on the door.

″Thank you,″ Jay just said when he opened the door and ran past Hank.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

On his way to Chicago Med he ignored all traffic rules and ran into the Emergency Department like some wild animal was hunting him. It only took him seconds to find his brother.

″Will,″ he yelled and ran to him. ″What happened?″ he asked him breathlessly, his heart pounding in his chest, still having the feeling that someone has punched him in the gut really hard.

″I don't know all about it yet but she collapsed after they've taken Liv to surgery.″

″Where is she?″

″She's up in at the Labor and Delivery floor. They are monitoring her contractions closely.″

Jay's heart dropped again and he felt his world breaking into pieces as these words came from his brother's mouth and Will saw any color that was left on his face, falling from it.

″Wait...she's having contractions? Will, she's 28 weeks,″ he said and not only his voice was full of fear, but also his eyes.

″I know,″ Will said and reached out for Jay's arm. ″But 28 weeks is good Jay. Babies born at 28 weeks have a fair chance to...″

″Don't,″ Jay interrupted him and shook his head. He didn't want to hear it, neither was he able to believe it. This had to be a nightmare. Another one. Was this what life had in store for them? Losing their daughter? He felt his tears coming up when he thought about the fact that their daughter would maybe be born today. Premature. 12 weeks early. Maybe too early to survive. He rubbed his eyes with his hands and tried to calm down.

″Jay I'm sure everything will be fine,″ Will said as he could see the pain in Jay's eyes. He has never seen him like this before. Not after their mother's death, none of the three times when he had come back from war. Will knew that his brother was absolutely desperate, fearing to lose not only his daughter and his soulmate but much more his entire life.

Jay wasn't able to answer. He just shook his head, turned around, walked past the elevators and ran up the stairs to the Labor and Delivery floor while he still didn't have control over his thoughts that kept on creating worst-case-scenarios once again.

″I'm looking for Erin Lindsay,″ he gasped when he arrived at the information center.

″One moment,″ the nurse begged and started typing something into the computer.

 _I don't have one damn moment_ , Jay thought and bit his tongue that these words did not flip out of his mouth.

″Mr. Halstead?″ someone said from behind while he was eagerly waiting, his fingers thrumming on the information desk impatiently.

″Dr. Hanson,″ Jay stated as he turned around. He was glad that it was Erin's doctor who had on-call duty tonight and he didn't hesitate to ask all the questions he had, although he feared the answers. ″How's Erin? What happened? How's the baby? Will she be born today? How are her chances..-″

″Jay,″ she said and grabbed his arm. ″Take a breath,″ she ordered, trying to calm him down. Jay obeyed and inhaled some deep breaths of air.

″Better?″

″No. Please be honest with me, what..-?″

″She's fine. Both of them are.″ Jay hasn't expected this answer. He was still focussing on the worst case scenario, on a premature baby, on losing their daughter, maybe even losing both, her and Erin.

″My brother...he said something about contractions...″ He didn't believe that everything was just simply fine.

″She had stabbing pains in her uterus before she collapsed and the fetal monitor showed some light contractions in the beginning but they decreased after we gave her some meds. We also did an ultrasound and her water is completely intact, there are no bleedings and her cervix is closed. She has an IV to give her some fluids and vitamins and we'll keep monitoring her closely for a little longer, maybe the whole night but it looks like it was just a warning sign, a sign of too much stress,″ she explained and Jay could feel some of the stress falling from him.

″Can I see her?″ he asked with a scratchy voice. He cleared his throat, swallowing the lump that has been there since he got the call from Will.

″Of course. She's in room LD52. I'll check on you guys later,″ she smiled encouragingly.

″Thank you,″ Jay replied and went directly to the room where his girls were, the one place where he wanted and needed to be right now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin looked up to him when he entered the room. There was no allegation in his eyes, just endless sorrow. He didn't say anything, just sat down on the edge of her bed, wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck while she leaned onto his chest.

″Never do that to me ever again,″ he mumbled.

″I'm sorry.″

″You two scared the hell out of me.″

″We're fine,″ she whispered while she tenderly tickled his neck.

When Jay finally turned his gaze to her after some minutes, Erin could see tears rolling down his cheeks. It broke her heart seeing him like this. And it was all her fault that he had to go through this as she hadn't been careful enough and had ignored her ongoing dizziness all day. There had been so many indications that something was wrong with her but she had just pushed them away, had thought it was just a reaction to her current sleep deprivation. It was her job to do everything to keep her baby safe and she'd ignored all the signs that her baby was not safe.

″I thought we're losing her,″ he quietly said and wiped his tears away with his hand, placing his other hand on her stomach. The sound of his voice let Erin's heart break even more.

″She's a strong one,″ she said and placed her hand on top of his, lay back down into the pillows.

Neither of them said a word, they just listened to the rhythmic and steady heartbeat of baby Halstead for a while, both of them being endlessly grateful that their little one was obviously doing well.

″Must be noisy in there,″ Jay somewhen stated out of the blue and a little smile came back to his face for the first time that night.

″Huh?″ Erin asked.

″I mean, this is quite loud for us, so it must be even louder for her, don't you think?″

″Never thought about that,″ she laughed and gently stroked the knuckles of his hand, while her other hand rested close to his other on her belly.

″And you'll never be able to sleep when it stays that noisy all night.″

″To be honest, I don't care how noisy it is, because right now it's the most beautiful sound in the world,″ she said, glancing at him. He looked into her eyes and saw them slightly sparkling for a second. Did it really need this drama for Erin to finally completely cherish the miracle she has been blessed with?

″It truly is,″ he simply replied and crashed her lips with a soft kiss but a knock on the door let them end their little intimate moment.

″Sorry to interrupt you guys,″ Will said as he entered the room. ″How are you doing Erin? And how's my niece?″

″We're fine.″

″Thank God. I was worried there for a sec.″

″Not only you,″ Erin sighed, rubbing her belly. ″Any news on Liv?″

″She's still in surgery. I can check on her if you want.″

″Would you?″

″Sure,″ he said and left the two of them alone again.

″What about Noah though?″ she asked Jay.

″Hank is with him.″

″Really?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″Yeah, I called him and he literally came five minutes later. I didn't know who else to call in the middle of the night. I mean, he can handle it, right?″

″Yaah, he can. He's great with kids, no matter how old they are.″

″Can't imagine that,″ Jay grinned and earned a punch on his shoulder. ″What? It's just...weird,″ he said while Dr. Hanson entered the room to check on Erin again.

″How are you doing?″ she asked Erin and checked the fetal monitor.

″I'm fine,″ Erin assured.

″This looks good, too. Any pain? Still feeling any light contractions?″

″Nothing,″ she answered, shaking her head.

″Great, looks like that was a close shave.″

″Mhm,″ Erin mumbled ashamed. It was her job to protect her daughter and she has failed. ″Can I go home then?″ she asked and from the corner of her eyes she saw how Jay glared towards her in disbelief.

″Erin,″ Dr. Hanson said and sighed. ″This was a clear warning sign of your body. You urgently need to slow down and right now you need to rest and sleep.″

″But..-″ she tried to protest.

″There's no but Erin, this was a close one. And it was the second time you collapsed in what? Ten weeks or so? A third one might not end that well. So please, slow down and accept that there's no choice.″

″I can't sit around doing nothing.″

″I didn't say you're not allowed to do anything. But this is not only about you anymore. You have to do what's best for your baby. And as your doctor, I also do what's best for your baby and if that means I have to put you on bedrest for the rest of your pregnancy, I will, believe me.″

″I have 12 more weeks and she will not come until then,″ she said emphatically, having the urgent need to defend herself.

″She won't. When you start to slow down. Erin, I want you to have a healthy and full-term baby, not a premature 28-weeker that spends the first three months of its life in the NICU.″

Erin knew that Dr. Hanson only wanted to help her, but right now her appreciative way made her more aggressive than anything else.

″Just speak it out loud that I failed in protecting my baby,″ Erin said as her voice was rising and she felt anger coming up.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and shook his head. ″No one is blaming you for this.″

″Oh she is,″ she snapped and glared at her doctor.

″I'm not, why should I?″ she asked and sat down on the edge of her bed.

″Because it's true,″ Erin said quietly and lowered her head, glancing at her belly. ″I failed. I had one job, one damn job. Protecting her with all I have. And I couldn't do it. All of this is my fault.″ Tears rolled down her cheeks.

″This is not on you Erin,″ Jay said softly and squeezed her hand.

″There's a lot of dramatical things going on in your life right now and this was just too much for your body and for your baby. That's why your body gave you a warning sign. You didn't fail,″ Dr. Hanson said.

″My body had to give me a warning sign as I didn't realize it myself. I already can't take care of her while she's still inside of me. So tell me, how will I ever be a good mother once she's here?″ she sobbed.

Dr. Hanson glanced to Jay and he slightly shook his head. Erin was exhausted, tired, scared, furious and emotional. She once again blamed herself for everything like she has already done so often in the past. This whole situation was too much for her and would lead directly into another breakdown.

Dr. Hanson got up and left the room and Jay wrapped his arms around Erin, softly rubbing her back with his hand.

″Don't do this to yourself,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair while she sobbed onto his chest. Dr. Hanson came back and Erin didn't even recognize how she injected a sedative into her IV. Jay slowly felt her relaxing in his arms and softly pushed her back in her pillows when she was asleep some minutes later.

″Thank you,″ Jay said to Dr. Hanson and placed a kiss on Erin's forehead.

″She needs to sleep and she never will otherwise,″ she answered when they left the room.

″I know this whole situation with Noah and our friend is too much for her at the moment. I knew it and I didn't do anything to prevent it. All the sorrows, all the stress, the lack of sleep. She always cares so much about others that she forgets to care about herself,″ Jay sighed. ″I should've supported her more.″

″Mr. Halstead, don't blame that on yourself. It's neither your nor her fault. Things like that happen. And in your case it was just a scare. It was most likely the right sign at the right time,″ she said and touched his arm supportingly.

″Hopefully, because I'm not sure whether we can take any more drama,″ he said and rubbed his tired eyes.

″You should go home,″ she advised.

″I'll stay.″

″She'll sleep through the night. We'll monitor her closely until the morning and will then make another ultrasound. You can come back then.″

″I won't leave her alone. I'll stay,″ he said again. There was no way he would leave his girls alone now. He needed to be there for them, somehow protect them.

″Alright,″ Dr. Hanson finally nodded. ″If you need something, don't hesitate to call one of the nurses or me.″

″Thank you,″ he replied and shook her hand.

As soon as he was alone, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Hank's number.

″Halstead, finally! How's Erin?″

″She's fine. They both are.″

Jay could hear a sigh of relief on the other end.

″What happened though?″

″She had stabbing pains in her uterus and collapsed. She had some light contractions but they are gone now. They'll monitor her and the baby throughout the night and do another ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on the baby again. They gave her a sedative and she's sleeping now. I'd like to stay with her in case you don't mind.″

″Of course you'll stay with her,″ Hank immediately replied.

″Thank you. You can sleep in our bed, there are some fresh sheets in the closet.″

″I will surely NOT sleep in your guys bed Halstead. I prefer the couch.″

″Well, that's...″ he paused. He knew exactly why Hank didn't want to sleep in their bed but in this case he wouldn't want to sleep on the couch as well if he'd knew the story behind it. ″That's okay. There are some pillows and a blanket in the closet.″

″I'll find it.″

″I'm sure you will. I'll be back early in the morning to take a shower and pick Noah up.″

″Halstead, no worries, I'll get it handled.″

″Yeah..well...we'll see,″ Jay said. An awake Noah alone with Hank was still something he couldn't imagine.

″Anything on Liv?″ Hank quietly asked and his raspy voice sounded a bit feared.

″Still in surgery.″

″Okay. Keep me updated if anything changes.″

″Got it,″ Jay replied and hung up.

He went back into Erin's room, sat down in the chair right next to her bed and softly stroked up and down her arm. The steady sound of baby Halstead's heartbeat made him even more tired but he loved just sitting there and listening to it. It helped him to fully calm down and his fears slowly fell off of him.

″Jay,″ Will said and walked into the room later that night. ″Liv's out of surgery and so far things are looking a whole lot better than before. They found another small internal bleeding and we think that's what caused her low blood pressure. We will keep her in medical induced coma for at least one more day but we are optimistc that she'll fully recover,″ Will explained and put his hand on Jay's shoulder.

″Thanks man,″ Jay sighed in relief.

″What about her?″ he asked and pointed to Erin.

″They gave her a sedative. She blamed herself for it and started to question her motherhood skills again. Just when I thought she slowly settles into it.″

″She was exhausted and feared, let her have a good sleep and the world'll look brighter in the morning. How are you holding on, bro?″ he asked and focused Jay's face for any reactions.

″I'm fine,″ he shrugged.

″You sure?″ he dugged deeper.

″I'm fine as long as they are,″ he assured his brother, still holding Erin's limp hand.

Will sighed. Within the last months he has realized that Erin was not only his brothers girlfriend and partner but his entire life. She was the reason his brother got up every morning, day by day. She was the reason his brother was as happy as Will had never seen him before. She was the reason for his smile, his tears, his joy and his sorrows. To say she was the love of his life was an understatement because she was so much more than that. And Will knew that the same applied for Erin. They needed and completed each other in a way he didn't know was possible. But as glad as Will was that his brother finally found his long deserved happiness, he knew and feared that something happening to Erin would not only let Jay's world break into pieces, but it would also break him. He didn't need any confirmation for that, just seeing his brother right now let him know he was right.

″Alright. I'll go home now. My shift is over for hours already. Call me, if there's anything,″ Will simply replied and gave him a pat on the back.

Jay didn't leave Erin's bedside for one second until the early morning hours. He somehow wanted to take care of Erin and this was the only way to do so. And he was still a little scared that their daughter's heartrate would drop or that the contractions would come back. He wanted to be sure that both of them were fine and at home he would only go crazy due to all his sorrows.

It was around five in the morning when he had to leave her to go home for a quick shower. He was surprised to find Hank awake when he unlocked the door of Erin's apartment.

″Morning,″ Jay said towards Hank who was sitting on the table, reading the newspaper from the day before.

″Morning, you want a coffee, too?″ he asked and sipped at his cup.

″Yeah, coffee would be perfect right now,″ Jay yawned. Hank got up from his chair and brought Jay a cup of coffee from the kitchen.

″Uhm, thank you,″ he answered, being a bit perplexed from Hank's friendliness. ″So, why are you awake already?″ he then asked as he watched Hank sitting down again.

″This couch isn't made for sleeping on it.″

Jay tried not to laugh and choked on his coffee.

″You alright?″ Hank asked, giving Jay a skeptical glance.

″Yeah, yeah, sure. Just drank too fast,″ Jay lied, still trying to hide a dorky grin. ″I told you to sleep in the bedroom though,″ he shrugged, taking a draft from his coffee.

″And I told you that I don't want to do that,″ Hank replied and made his point pretty clear.

″Okay,″ Jay said and held his hand up in defence.

″How's Erin?″

″Still sleeping. If the ultrasound later is negative, they'll maybe discharge her.″

″Good,″ Hank nodded and emptied his coffee with one draft.

″Uhm Sarge. I know I don't have any free days left, but I'd like to stay at home today.″

″I never assumed you'd come to work today Halstead. Take care of your family. Make sure Erin rests in the way she needs to rest,″ he said and grabbed his jacket, ready to leave.

″Thanks Sarge,″ Jay said while he directly glared at Hank.

″If you come back to work before Wednesday I'll fire you, Halstead, you understand?″

″S...sure,″ Jay spluttered. He hasn't expected Hank to give him the two days after the weekend off, too.

″Erin needs you a lot more right now than your unit needs you. So make sure that she slows down.″

″I will, thank you,″ Jay said with all of his heart.

″Not for that Jay,″ Hank answered and gave him a pat on his back before leaving.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Later that morning, Jay brought Noah to the children's room of Chicago Med and played with him for a while before the toddler was distracted enough for him to leave.

Erin was awake when he came into her room. There was no more IV and fetal monitor and she looked a whole lot better than all the past days together.

″Hello beautiful,″ he smiled and kissed her as he took his well-known spot on the edge of her bed again.

″Hey you,″ she replied and also kissed him.

″How do you feel?″

″Pretty rock solid. No more headaches, no more tiredness, no more dizziness and baby Halstead also got her full energy back,″ she laughed and gently stroked his cheek.

″Has she?″ he grinned and placed his hand on her stomach. ″Woah, okay, sorry for that question,″ he laughed after he felt a kick right against his hand. ″Hey there baby girl,″ he whispered while leaned down to place a kiss on her belly.

″Jay I'm sorry for all of that,″ she quitely said, running her hand through his hair.

″It's okay,″ he said. ″You are fine and Minnie Mouse is fine, that's all that matters for me right now, okay?″

″Minnie Mouse?″ she raised her eyebrows and had to laugh.

″Yeah, don't you think that fits her?″ he chuckled.

″Considering the fact that your best friend's nickname is Mouse, I'm not sure whether Minnie Mouse is a fitting nickname for YOUR daughter,″ she answered casually and all dry.  
″Ouch,″ Jay laughed. ″You got a point there.″

″I know,″ she nodded and bit into her smiling bottom lip.

″But I like it anyway,″ he grinned and kissed her again.

″Good morning lovebirds,″ Dr. Hanson laughed when she entered the room just as they kissed. Erin and Jay felt like two teenagers being caught while doing something they weren't allowed to.

″Morning,″ Jay mumbled and twinkled to Erin.

″How do you feel this morning?″ she asked.

″Really good. I'm just starving.″

"Did they forget to bring you breakfast earlier?"

"Uhm no," Erin said and her cheeks blushed a little. "It was just...not much," she chuckled.

″Alright," Dr. Hanson laughed. "One of the nurses will bring you an oatmeal or something after the ultrasound is done. And she will also take another blood sample from you, just to be sure everything's alright. Did you get up yet?″

″Yeah, I went to the toilet this morning after breakfast. No dizziness, nothing.″

″Perfect. So if I remember right, we didn't do a 3D-ultrasound yet, did we?″

″No, you said we'll do it at my next appointment,″ Erin answered.

″We do it now,″ she winked as she could see how the two of them exchanged some excited glances.

A couple of minutes later, after she had checked that Erin's cervix still was completely closed, Dr. Hanson squirted the cold ultrasound gel on Erin's bare stomach. As always Jay took Erin's hand in his as Dr. Hanson placed the wand on her belly.

″Here we go,″ she said and the screen lit up. ″Hey baby.″

Jay and Erin glanced to the screen in full fascination as the picture they got was completely different than all the others they had so far. There she was: their daughter. Looking as perfect as possible. They could see every detail of her sweet little face and could count all of her small fingers. Erin smiled and turned her gaze from the screen to Jay. He was still focused on the screen, being all fascinated and touched from that perfect little human being he and Erin have created. When he finally turned his gaze to Erin, her eyes were as glassy and sparkling as his own.

″She's perfect,″ Erin whispered and turned her gaze to the screen again.

″She is. And she looks just like you,″ he replied and kissed her hand.

″Naah, she doesn't. She totally favors you,″ she winked at him with a beaming smile surrounding her lips.

″We'll see,″ Jay grinned. ″So, is everything alright with her?″ he asked Dr. Hanson.

″Couldn't be any better. She's still a bit small though but as she has been a small one from the very beginning there's no reason to worry. She's growing perfectly nonetheless,″ she explained and turned the wand a bit. ″And here we have her feet that like to kick you so much,″ she said and pointed to the screen.

″How can such tiny little feet have so much power?″ Erin asked and shook her head in disbelief, looking at her daughter's tiny feet and toes.

″It's amazing, isn't it?″ Dr. Hanson asked.

″I can't believe it,″ Erin sighed as she gave Jay another smile.

″As everything looks perfectly fine, you can go home after the blood test is done. But remember...-″

″Yeah I know, I'll take it easy,″ she assured her and Jay as well instantly.

″I'll take care of that,″ Jay said.

″Good. I won't put you on bedrest but I need you to come in again on Monday and Friday to do another ultrasound and CTG. And if everything is still looking good then, we can go back to a normal rhythm.″

Erin and Jay both nodded, both of them being endlessly relieved that their baby girl was healthy and unharmed after the latest drama.

″And if you feel any pain or you have the slightest feeling that something doesn't feel right, don't waste one second and come in, alright?″

″I will,″ Erin promised without hesitation.

Jay told Erin everything about Liv's condition while she ate her second breakfast and after she'd changed her clothes and signed the discharge papers they went to the ICU to visit her. But not as long this time as Jay really wanted to bring her home. Erin recognized that Liv's skin color was a whole lot better what helped her to start believing in a happy-end again.

″Ewwiiin,″ Noah joyfully screamed when they walked into the children's room.

″Hey buddy,″ she said and got down to her knees, wanted to pick him up.

″Easy,″ Jay said and protectivly grabbed her shoulder to hold her back from swirling the toddler through the air.

″How are you doing?″ she asked him and just stroked his cheeks instead.

″You play with me?″

″Not here, but we're going home and play there, okay?″

He didn't look satisfied but nodded.

″Alright, let's go then,″ Jay said and picked Noah up into his arms.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Here we are,″ Jay said when they arrived at Erin's apartment. He let Noah down to the floor and helped him taking his jacket off.

″Come,″ he said and grabbed Erin's hand as he wanted to pull her to his toys.

″Noah, Erin has to rest a bit, okay?″ Jay explained.

″But...-″ Noah protested with sad eyes.

″I'll play with you in the afternoon, I promise.″

″Yah?″

″Of course and for now you can play with Jay.″

″Okay,″ Noah said and startet to put all of his toys out of the box.

″Bed or couch?″ Jay asked Erin.

″Bed,″ she answered.

″Are you alright?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows.

″Sure, why shouldn't I?″

″Because you didn't try to protest yet. I want you to rest and you're simply doing it...I'm not used to that.″

″Oh, you should've told me that you meant something different than I did when you asked bed or couch,″ she joked.

″Cheeez Er,″ he laughed and got closer to her to kiss her. ″Dirty thoughts that early in the morning?″

″Always,″ she chuckled, biting her lower lip. ″No seriously, I still feel a bit down so I'd like to catch some more sleep.″

″Alright,″ he said, placing a soft kiss on her lips again before letting her go off his embrace.

Erin changed her clothes to a pair of leggins, some cozy socks and a long shirt that wouldn't fit her too much longer. She lay down in the bed and Jay brought her a cup of tea and a glass of orange juice. He then closed the curtains and sat down on the edge of the bed, softly stroking her hair.

″I hope you and Minnie Mouse will have a good sleep,″ he smirked and kissed her forehead.

″I thought I made my point cle...-″

″Ssshhh.″ He laid his finger on her lips. ″Relax,″ he grinned.

″You wish.″

″I do, yes. Shall I sing a lullaby for you? It may help.″

″Jerk,″ she laughed and gave him a soft punch in his waist.

″Sleep now,″ he said, leaning down to kiss her and then got up.

″I'm still not down with that. We'll talk about it.″

″Yeah...maybe..″ he said but then he came back again, even sat down next to her again.

″Promise me one thing,″ he whispered, gently stroking her belly that was covered with the blanket. ″No more hospitals until January when this peanut wants to enter this world and you're in labor.″

″I promise,″ she nodded, lying her hand on top of his. ″Although I don't wanna think about labor or anything yet already,″ she added and grimaced by the thought that giving birth to her daughter and therefore the labor pain that wasn't too far away anymore.

″You still have a little time for that,″ he winked but said it also for himself because seeing Erin in pain was the last thing he wanted to see although he knew it was inevitable in this case.

″Mhm,″ she sighed. ″No more hospitals before that D-Day.″

″Thank you,″ he grinned, gave her another kiss and then left her alone so she could get the rest she needed.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

While Erin slept throughout the whole morning and the early afternoon, Jay's main task was it to keep Noah happy and entertained and as quiet as possible at the same time. He thought about going to the playground with him but he didn't want to leave Erin alone. So they built towers and houses, played with the railway and the cars. They watched some cartoons on the iPad and scrolled through some storybooks together. While doing this, Noah dozed off and Jay brought him to bed.

Afterwards, out of his boredom, he took the iPad and looked for houses to buy in Chicago just as he he's been doing for some weeks already but yet there hasn't been anything that really convinced him which wasn't too bad anyway as they had agreed not to rush things with an own house and her apartment was big enough for now. But it was never bad to check what was on the market and which costs they had to expect.

″What are you up to?″ Erin asked when she walked into the living room, stretching her body and yawning loudly.

″Nothing. Just trying not to get bored,″ he smiled and lay the iPad aside.

″So you're bored?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows and having kind of a winning smile on her face. ″You now understand me a bit better, huh?″

″Oh yeah, totally,″ he smirked. ″Come here.″

″Why should I?″ she joked.

″Because I don't like being bored,″ he grinned while she sat down on the couch and snuggled into his arm.

″Are you hungry, thirsty, anything?″

″Jay I'm fine. Actually I didn't feel that good in a long time. There's just one thing...″ she said, tracing circles onto his chest.

″What's wrong?″ he asked, getting a bit anxious again.

″Not exactly wrong. It's just...what I said last night, about failing to protect our baby and being a bad mother...I really meant it...I'm scared Jay. You can't imagine how much all of this scares me,″ she finally admitted.

Jay sighed and softly stroked up and down her arm. This was the conversation they should've had some weeks ago already but he didn't want to force her into it back then. That she now in fact started to talk about it on her own wish was what he's been waiting for. And it was just another sign that something has changed since last night.

″I know Erin. But there's no reason for you to be scared.″

″I can't be a mother Jay. I'm not the type of woman who should be a mother,″ she said sardonically and got out of his embrace to sit up in front of him.

″Why do you keep telling that to yourself?″ he asked and tried to lock eyes with her. But Erin's gaze focused on the floor.

″Because it's the truth. I had the worst role-model ever. A mother that was anything else but caring, loving and protecting. And this is in my genes too. And as you could see last night, I already start messing up before she's even born. I'm just as bad as Bunny, maybe I'm even worse.″

″Erin,″ he sighed, searching for the right words. ″You are not Bunny. You just sitting here right now, talking to me and admitting your fears makes you a better mother than Bunny ever was,″ he said and brushed a strand out of her face while her insecure eyes glared at him. ″Look, every time when we work cases with kids, they immediately trust you. No matter what happened in their lives. The way you hug them, you look them in the eyes, you talk to them and you're there for them gives them hope. They feel loved and cared and protected. You may not realize that because it's natural for you. Because that's just who you are. Because you have the biggest heart someone can have. Because you do the things that feel right to you in that situation without thinking about it. So tell me, how could someone who comforts everyone with all her heart and has the unique ability to make everyone feel special ever be a bad mother? How could someone who cares for a toddler she barely knows like a mother not be a good mother to her own child? When will the girl, that always thinks she's not good enough, finally realize that she is the most amazing human being God has ever created?″

He softly grabbed her chin that she had to look him in the eyes and saw tears rolling down her cheeks. It weren't tears of desperation, it were tears of emotion. Jay knew she wasn't able to say anything, so he just placed the softest of kisses on her lips.

″And no matter how bad Bunny was as a mother, I still have to thank her. Because of her I got the most precious gift of my life. You, Erin. Thanks to her I have you. She's the one who gave birth to you,″ he whispered, squeezing her hand. ″And let me add one last thing: I think you had the best mother ever. A mother who teached you all the values about life and made you the person you are. She just came later in your life than mothers normally do.″

Erin was still overwhelmed by all the things Jay had just said. There it was again: the proof that he was her safe haven. That he magically always found the right words. Was it possible to fall in love with him again although she already loved him to the moon and back?

″Thank you,″ she simply said with barely no voice and felt kind of bad that she couldn't say more. But his words had left her speechless.

″Always,″ he said. ″I can't promise you that everything will be super great because it won't. There will be rough days. And nights. It will be a challenge for both of us and sometimes there will be days when we call our life into question. But much more important is, that there will also be those many many awesome days with endless love, beaming happiness, deep laughters and unreal joy. And that's what we live and fight for. We'll get it handled. You and me. The two of us together.″

″Did I ever tell you how much I actually love you?″ Erin asked quietly, still being all emotional. ″I wouldn't know what to do if I hadn't you,″ she said and kissed him. It bothered her that she didn't find better words to explain her current feelings and emotions but she simply was not able to say it any better right now. Her mind was still flashed from all of Jay's words, from the realization that he was right. She was not Bunny. And she had the greatest mother someone could have: Camille Voight. She was the kind of mother Erin wished to be for her daughter one day.

″Same here,″ Jay grinned and gently stroked her cheek. ″I need you, you need me, we need each other and together we're strong. It's simple, isn't it?″ he laughed.

″Seems like,″ she smiled while her stomach started growling.

″Well, Minnie Mouse is hungry now, huh?″

″Yaah...Minnie Mouse is hungry,″ she winked. ″But me too.″

″Alright then, let's make you something to eat,″ he said. He got up from the couch and grabbed for Erin's Hand, pulling her up, too and together they started cooking dinner.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″I'm not sure whether we'll ever get something on the stove if you keep eating all the vegetables I've just cut,″ Jay smirked while Erin sat on the counter and grabbed the carrot- and pepper-pieces.

″Minnie's hungry, I'm innocent,″ she smirked.

″Yeah sure. You could easily eat the bigger pieces that I haven't cut yet, you know?″

″The smaller ones taste better,″ she winked and playfully bit her lower lip.

″They don't.″

″I swear, they do. Try it,″ she answered all serious and he smiled at her for a second and slightly shook his head.

″What's up?″ he asked as she started to chuckle while his concentration was back on cutting the vegetables.

″This just brings back memories.″

″What memories?″

″Camille and I always cooked together. Or let's say, she cooked and I learned from her.″

″Well, she wasn't really successful with that, I'd say,″ Jay laughed and earned a punch on his shoulder from her.

″Shut up,″ she grinned. ″However, one day, shortly before she got sick, we made dinner together while Hank and Justin were at the cinema. We've been hungry all day and we also had to cut lots of vegetables. You know, Camille always paid attention that we ate as healthy as possible. So I started to grab some pieces all the time and as Camille was just as hungry as I was, she did the same. I then had the idea to try it with cream cheese as dip and it was sooooo good. Camille also tried it and we couldn't stop anymore. So instead of cooking for the whole family, Camille and I simply ate all of the vegetables ourselves and we then ordered pizza for Hank and Justin. Needless to say the two of them were quite happy about it,″ Erin laughed and Jay could see her eyes twinkle while she talked about her memories from living with the Voight's.

″I miss her,″ she added whispering and looked down to the floor.

Jay set the knife aside and made two steps so that he stood right in front of her and placed his hands on her knees.

″I wish you could've met her Jay. You would've loved her and I'm sure she would've loved you. I wish I could talk to her, ask her a hundred thousand questions and just listen to her calm and lovely voice. I wish she could see how entirely happy you make me and I wish she could see her,″ Erin said as she placed one hand on her stomach.

″Camille may not be here in person, but she can see all of that, Er. She's looking down from above and watches you every day, with a big smile on her face. She's always with you because you carry her in your heart,″ he said and softly stroked her cheek. ″And you know, maybe she's sitting up there together with my mother as they watch us as our guardian angels,″ he added and now his voice was just as low.

″This is a nice thought,″ she smiled faintly. ″I think I have to visit her soon. Haven't been there in a while. Maybe tomorrow.″

″ You definitely should, but maybe somewhen else.″

″Why? If this is about me slowing down then...″

″It's not,″ he quickly answered before she could start complaining. ″I just had another plan for tomorrow though,″ he said as he continued cutting the vegetables.

″Did you?″

″Yeah, I thought we could maybe go to the zoo with Noah. Just if you feel up to it of course.″

″This is a great idea,″ she said, got down from the counter and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, just to steal some more of his sliced vegetable pieces.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin and Jay later lay in their bed with Noah between them, reading him a story, and Erin felt her baby girl kicking like a maniac again, it was the first time that she was entirely grateful for this little miracle she and Jay had created. And as she stroked through Noah's hair while Jay showed him some pictures in the book, as she allowed herself to have faith again because deep inside she simply knew Liv would be back with them soon, she looked forward to the end of January not with fear anymore but rather with a lot of anticipation. She wanted to meet her, wanted to see that little girl that was half her and half Jay. She wanted to see Jay with his daughter, she wanted to touch her baby's soft skin, wanted to hold her in her arms. She wanted to be a mother. For the very first time...

* * *

 **I hope you're all happy with the outcome of this chapter. From the very beginning (of Erin's pregnancy) I said that this will be about her growing into her new role and accepting her pregnancy/new life and y'all witnessed the turning point now :) There's lots of fluff to follow now until baby Halstead will be born but we're getting there, just be patient :D The next chapter will have lots of Hank and Erin though as they still need to talk a few things out.**

 **Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)**


	31. The Greatest Gift

**Thank you all again for the feedback on my last chapter! Planned to upload this one earlier but didn't find the time (had to rewatch the Linstead scenes from 4x02 all the time :D). Enjoy! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I still own nada.**

* * *

 **31\. The Greatest Gift**

The three of them went to the zoo on Sunday morning and fully enjoyed that cold but sunny November day. Noah loved the apes and the seals, but naturally he had most fun in the children's zoo where he joyfully fed and petted the goats and the ponies.

″Be careful with your hands Noah,″ Erin warned him when he wanted to feed one of the goats that gathered around them.

″Naah, wait I'll show you,″ she then said and got down to her knees. Noah getting bitten in his fingers by a goat and therefore another meltdown was the last thing she wanted, especially since he was in a pretty good mood today.

″Hey guys say cheese,″ Jay said with his phone in his hands, ready to memorize this moment.

″Cheeeeeese,″ both of them said and Jay took a photo of them in the middle of some goats. Just when he wanted to put his phone back in his pocket, it started ringing.

″It's Will,″ he said and Erin's heart immediately dropped to her knees. ″I'm sure it's nothing bad,″ Jay added as he saw her face paling instantly and answered the call.

″Will...yeah...alright...I'll tell her. Thanks man.″ Erin listened eagerly to the things he said but couldn't figure out whether it was good or bad news.

″What..-?″ she asked as soon as he hung up.

″She's awake,″ he interrupted her before she could finish her question.

Erin got up and literally jumped right into his arms. He held her tight and placed a kiss on her hair, also felt some weight dropping from his heart and he could imagine how relieved Erin had to be in this moment.

″Do you know how many times I prayed for this during the past few days?″ she whispered.

″Maybe a bit more often than me,″ he said, softly grabbed her chin and kissed her. ″You should go and see her.″

″What about you and Noah?″ she asked.

″We'll stay here for a little while longer and will then take the L home. Don't worry, we'll get it handled.″

″I know you do. Thank you,″ she smiled, kissed him again and left the two of them alone.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was the first time in a long time that Erin drove to Chicago Med, being all calm and collected. She walked into the Emergency Department and felt unbelievably free. Liv was going to be fine and although she's really enjoyed the time with Noah, she was happy that this was only a temporary situation after all.

When she left the elevator on the ICU floor, she walked right into Hank who was himself waiting for the elevator.

″Did you visit Liv?″ she asked surprised. She hadn't expected him to be here as she knew how much he hated hospitals and as he hasn't visited her before.

″Yaah,″ he shrugged and she could tell from his face that this situation was kind of awkward for him.

″Have you been there when she woke up?″

Hank only nodded in response. Apparently he wasn't in the mood of talking, seemed to be thinking about something.

″How's she doing?″

″Pretty groggy, but she'll be fine. She already asked for you and Noah. Where's he?″ he asked and looked around as if he expected the boy would suddenly appear out of nowhere.

″We were at the zoo when Will called us. Jay and Noah stayed there. Seeing his mother now would be a bit too soon. I have an appointment for another ultrasound here on Monday anyway, so we'll bring him with us and he can finally see her then.″

″You have another appointment? But everything's alright isn't it?″ he asked with worried eyes and really looked at her for the first time since she'd stepped out of the elevator.

″Everything's fine Hank,″ she said and touched his arm. ″After Thursday night Dr. Hanson just wants to check on her more regularly for the next days.″

″Good,″ he only replied while Erin still scanned his face. He seemed to be all mixed up.

″Hank are you alright?″ she asked and now she was the one with a worried voice.

″I'm good kiddo. You should really visit Liv now,″ he said and then just turned around as he obviously has decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

″Uhm yeah, bye,″ she quietly said to herself, watched him disappear and went to Liv's room.

″Good to see you,″ Erin smiled when she entered the room. Liv turned her head around and also smiled when she saw her. She looked groggy and beyond tired but at least there was some color in her face again.

″Erin,″ she whispered as her throat was obviously still sore from the intubation.

″How's Noah?″ she instantly asked as Erin sat down on the edge of her bed.

″He's fine. Jay and I were at the zoo with him when Will called and the two of them stayed there. I thought it may be better if he only sees you in a couple of days. Are you fit enough to see some photos?″ she asked and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

″Yes, please,″ she begged and Erin started to show her the photos from the zoo that Jay had sent her some minutes ago, as well as the photos from the playground. Tears started to roll down Liv's face when Erin showed her one photo after another and told little stories about each of them.

″Thank you Erin. He looks so happy and I don't know how I can ever thank you for all of that,″ she sobbed and coughed, what obviously hurt immensly.

″Sssshhh.″ Erin took Liv's hand in hers and squeezed it. ″Not for that, Liv. Now try to relax a bit, it's been some hard days for you and we have the upcoming days to talk about everything,″ she said and gave her an encouraging smile.

″You're right,″ she whispered. ″But tell me everything about the last days anyway, please.″

″Well, where to begin?″ Erin laughed and started to sum-up the past days, with exception of her own little breakdown. That was something Liv didn't need to know about in her current condition.

Erin stayed two more hours until one of the doctors came to make some more examinations. As the doctor told her Liv would get a light sedative afterwards anyway, she decided to go. But instead of going home, she bought some flowers at the hospital shop and drove to the graveyard, just as she had planned yesterday.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey Camille,″ she said while she knelt down and placed the flowers next to the gravestone. ″I know it's been a while.″ She lighted a candle and placed it in front of the gravestone, too.

″I miss you Camille. Just yesterday I realized again how much I actually miss you. I told Jay this story when we wanted to cook and ate all the vegetables before we even started to cook, because we kinda had the same situation yesterday,″ she said and laughed a bit.

″I wish you were here, now. There's so much I wanna tell you and ask you. Especially ask you...because...well...if you could see me now, you'd know why. You know, I slowly start to look like I swallowed a soccer ball. You hear right, I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom. Can you believe it? Because I can't. And baby Halstead's arrival isn't that far away anymore. Just three more months and she is here and will change our life completely. I wish you could meet her then. And I wish you could meet Jay. He's amazing. He's the most protective, loving, gentle and caring man you can imagine. His heart is so big, I don't know how it even fits into his chest. I never thought a man like him exists. And I never thought that I could ever love someone like I love him. And I know that you'd love him, too,″ she said and blinked some times towards the sky as she tried to hold back the tears from falling from her eyes.

″What are you doing here kid?″ a familar raspy voice asked from behind. She turned her head around and gazed to Hank. She hasn't heard him coming and she didn't know how long he has already been standing there.

″Haven't been here in a while,″ she shrugged and got up. ″And there was quite a lot we had to catch up on,″ she said and looked down to her belly.

″Oh, I already told her about that,″ he smirked.

″Yeah I assumed you did,″ she smiled. ″It's just...I needed to talk to her...you know...after everything that happened the other night I felt bad...so damn bad. I never thought I could be a good mother but that was the confirmation that I'm even worse than just not good. I talked with Jay about it yesterday evening, told him about my fears and about having the worst mother and role-model ever. But then he said something that let me think because it was so damn true.″

″Yeah? What was it?″ Hank immediately asked, being quite curious.

″He said that I had the best mother someone could wish for. She just came later in my life than mothers normally do.″ She scanned Hank's face for any kind of reaction and could see that he had to swallow hard.

″You had,″ he replied and his voice was even raspier than usually.

″I had,″ she nodded and focused on the gravestone again. ″I wish she was here. I wish I could ask her my thousand questions about being a mother, pregnancy, babies, everything. Even if I'd ask her the same question a hundred times, she'd still answer it all calm and gentle for a 101st time,″ she smiled and gazed to Hank again.

″She would. And she would be proud of you.″

″How do you know that?″

″Because I am,″ he simply said while his face enlightened. Now she was the one swallowing hard. After everything that had happened in the last few months she hasn't expected Hank to tell her he was proud of her, neither has she expected him to say the words that now came from his lips. ″And you will be great mother.″

″Who knows,″ she shrugged and tried again to hold back her tears. She was such an emotional wreck at the moment and hearing these words from Hank, her father-figure, was definitely too much for her.

″I know Erin,″ he said, being all serious, as a tear rolled down Erin's cheek. ″Come here,″ Hank said and hugged her tightly. For the first time in forever they shared a real hug. And it felt so damn good and Erin has missed this, and him, so much that she couldn't hold back more tears from falling and sobbed quietly onto his shoulder.

″Better now?″ he asked afterwards.

She nodded and wiped her tears away with her hand.

"Erin, I want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I've treated you in the last couple of months. This wasn't fair," Hank said.

"I deserved it," Erin mumbled.

"No you didn't. I was way too hard on you and I should've handled things different."

"Well, it didn't harm and I even needed some of it to...wake up somehow," she shrugged. She inhaled deeply before she was able to tell him some things that were so damn important for her, that she's wanted to tell him for weeks already but now was finally the right time, the right moment. Now she was finally brave enough to make this one last step towards him that would hopefully lead right back to the relationship they've had before she'd hurt him beyond limits.

″Hank,″ she started and took another breath. ″When I visited Eddie some weeks ago and was knocked out of the skies that he's still the same jerk and that he will never change I realized how thankful I am to have you in my life. We don't always agree but we don't have to. Sometimes we're like fire and ice but no matter what, I could and can always rely on you. You were there when I was young and had the hardest time of my life, when no one else was. You believed in me, encouraged me, when no one else did. Thanks to you I am the person I am today. You're my father. My only father.″ She had to stop to swallow the lump in her throat. Once again she couldn't hold back the tears from falling but she was able to keep herself more or less together to tell him one more thing. ″And I hope you'll be our little girl's grandfather although you're not a fan of our situation. I want her to have you in her life, I want you to be her grandfather.″

Erin wiped her tears away again and looked him in the eyes at the same time. He had to swallow hard, even seemed to be emotionally affected by her words.

″There's nothing in this world that I'd love to be more than being this girl's grandfather, Erin,″ he answered smilingly and then placed a kiss on his pseudo-daughter's forehead.

″Thank you. This means more to me than you can imagine,″ she said and also smiled at him. In this moment she recognized that Hank hasn't even seen a picture of the baby yet. ″You wanna see something?″

″Sure,″ he answered but looked a little confused.

Erin pulled her phone out of her pocket and showed him the pictures from the 3D ultrasound. A bright smile grew on Hank's face when he saw photos of baby Halstead for the very first time.

″Looks just like you,″ he grinned without leaving his gaze from the photo and Erin could've sworn that his voice was a little emotional once more.

″Naah, she doesn't,″ she objected. ″Although Jay said the same.″

″You see,″ he laughed and gave her the phone back. ″This is the greatest gift life can provide Erin. So just enjoy it, take your time and distance yourself from all the what if's.″

″I try. I mean, it scares me that it's only twelve more weeks but..I don't know...I feel kinda excited about it too. It's weird...but...something changed during the last days,″ she admitted and looked down to the ground.

″I know,″ he simply answered and tried to lock eyes with her. ″I saw it in the second you stepped out of the elevator this afternoon. It's not something that changed, it's you who changed. You've got the glow now.″

″Naah, I don't,″ she answered and shook her head, didn't really believe him that she had the famous glow now.

″But Thursday night, when Jay wasn't there and when Dr. Hanson told me that I have light contractions I thought that this is my punishment for being so unhappy and ungrateful about this little miracle in the beginning. I was so scared to lose her and I kept telling her that she has to stay inside of me until I'm ready to be the mother she deserves to have and until she's strong enough to survive. In fact, I was more scared to lose her than I was scared of being a mother,″ Erin said quietly, placing her hand on her expanding stomach. ″And of course seeing Jay with Noah the last days helped because it is the cutest thing ever. I can't stop thinking about how cute he'll be with his own baby. And seeing his eyes sparkle every day when he feels her kicking makes my heart burst. You should've seen his face when he felt her kicks for the very first time...to say he had a beaming smile on his face is an understatement,″ she smiled.

″This is the most magical moment for the dad-to-be. Was the same for me when Camille was pregnant with Justin,″ he sighed and clearly his memories went back to that time.

She gazed at him for some moments, trying to figure out what to say next. She knew exactly why he was here and they'd already talked enough about her.

″Hank, Camille would want you to be happy, you know?″ she said gently. She had at least try to get him talking about it.

″What are you talking about now?″ he frowned.

″That's the reason why you're here, aren't you? You wanted to apologize to her. Because you felt relieved when Liv woke up today. Because there are some feelings that you're trying to suppress for a little while already. Because all of that made you feel guilty,″ she explained while he looked to the gravestone so she couldn't see his reaction.

″Erin, I don't...-″

″Hank, Camille would want you to be happy,″ Erin repeated. ″It's more than 7 years now. I know that you still think about her every single day and I know that you'll love her forever but that doesn't mean that you need to stay alone for the rest of your life. When there's something between you and Liv, give it a go. Don't hide your feelings just because you think you're cheating on Camille. Because you're not. You deserve to be happy and if Liv's the person who makes you happy then I'm sure Camille would be the last person who'd complain about it.″

″It's not that easy,″ he shrugged.

″I know, just think about it. Sometimes fathers should listen to their daughters,″ she winked.

He glanced to her and smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

″Yeah, maybe sometimes they should,″ he replied. ″Do you have a little more time for your old man? I'd like to show you something.″

″Sure. So what is it?″ she asked and Hank knew that he had made her curious.

″Just wait and see and follow me,″ he smirked and went to his car. She went to her car and drove right behind him as she realized that they were driving to the place she'd used to call home years ago.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Sit down,″ Hank ordered as soon as they were in the living room. She took a seat on the couch and looked around in the room. Hank had barely changed something since Camille's death. He had only added some photos to the photo-wall behind the dining table. Despite the photos of their marriage, of Justin when he was a kid and of course the family photo they had made when Erin was 17 and Justin 10, there were now also photos of Justin, Olive and baby Daniel and one of Erin and Hank right after she'd gotten her detective-badge. Deep in her heart she wished that Hank would one day maybe add a photo of her, Jay and baby Halstead to the gallery. Although she knew that Hank would most likely never hang a photo of Jay onto his wall.

″This is something Camille wanted you to see,″ Hank interrupted her thoughts as he entered the living room, placing a video tape in the old VCR.

″What?″ Erin asked as she was slightly confused.

″She made some videos before she died. Some for Justin and some for you as she knew she'd miss out on all the milestones in your lives. She left it to me to find the right moments to show you and I think now is the right time for you to watch one of them,″ he said and left the room, went up the stairs.

″Wait...Hank, don't you want to watch it too?″

″Kiddo, I can't count how many times I've seen them already. This is just for you now,″ he replied while she pressed the play-button on the remote.

Erin gasped when the screen flickered and Camille's sweet face smiled to her. She must've made this video during the last stages of her disease as she was already badly marked and looked weak and tired. Her smile was nonetheless as angelic as always.

″Hey Erin.″ Chills went down her spine when she heard the voice of the woman, who was the mother she never had, for the first time in seven years.

″My beautiful girl. I love you. That's the first thing I want to say. I know I already told you that in personal but I tell you again because I don't know whether you'll remember it when you'll see this video one day: you are the daughter we always prayed for but never thought we'd ever get. You are the sister for Justin we always hoped he'd have one day. You made our family complete, Erin. And I want to thank you for all of that. You and Justin are the greatest gifts, Hank and I've ever gotten. And you are most certainly the girl with the biggest heart, the strongest girl I've ever met. You're always there for me, for Hank, for Justin and I know that you'll also be there for my boys after I've left this world.″ At this point, Camille paused and swallowed hard. Erin's eyes were already full of tears.

″I made these videos because I somehow want to be part of some major events in your life. All the events I would give everything to attend but will miss. I told Hank to show you this first video, when he's 200% sure that you found the man of your life. A man who treats you like you deserve to be treated. A man who goes to the ends of the earth and back for you. A man who goes through fire and water for you. A man who protects you with his life. A man you can laugh and cry with. A man who makes you as happy as you've never been before and who is there for you in good days and in bad. A man who makes you feel safe and special and loves you unconditionally. I know, my requirements are quite huge, but only the best is good enough for my girl. And as you're now watching this video you obviously found the hero you deserve,″ Camille said and at this point she had to inhale deeply, wiped a tear away with her hand.

″I want you to know that I couldn't be happier for you Erin. I only wish I could've met the man who stole your heart. Actually, I wish so many things. I wish I could be there for all the things that'll now happen in your life. I wish I could be there on the day you'd come to me to show me your engagement ring, on the day you'd tell me that you and the man you love set a date for the wedding. Yes I said wedding. I know there is this someone, your hero, out there who will ask you this one question one day and you will say yes without even thinking about it, someone who will help you to overcome the issues you have and make you his wife. I wish I was the one you'd pick your wedding dress with and I'd give everything to see you walking down the aisle next to Hank on your special day because I know you'll look gorgeous. And because I want to see Hank giving you to another man unwillingly,″ she laughed and although tears already ran down Erin's face, she had to laugh as well.

″And I wish I'd be the first one you'd tell one day that you're pregnant. Yes, you hear right Erin. I know that one day you're going to be a mommy. I also know that once the time is there and you carry that precious little soul under your heart, you'll be scared. That's understandable, but let me tell you: you don't have to. You raised your little brother and you helped us to raise Justin when I was too weak to do it myself. Your capacity to love and to protect the people around you is nearly endless, so this will be one lucky baby that'll grow inside of you one day. Pregnancy and all the things that come with it are the greatest gifts that two people can share, so just enjoy the time when this little miracle is dancing in your belly. There's absolutely no reason for you to be scared, I promise you. Believe in yourself sweetheart. You will be one awesome mommy one day. I think that's even all I'd tell you if I'd still be there during that exciting time in your life. But unfortunately I won't. There will of course be more videos and Hank will show them to you when the time is right. I think with this first one I just wanted you to know I'm happy for you. Finding true love and never-ending happiness was all I ever wanted for you. I'm so sad that I can't be there for you now in personal and share all these beautiful moments with you but I watch from above and I'll always be there. I'm proud of you Erin. Every single day. And never forget, I love you.″ With these words the screen turned black. Erin sat on the couch, unable to move, and tears rolled down her cheeks like a river. The fact that Camille had done something so beautiful for her overwhelmed her. The way she talked and the words she chose made her heart ache. She missed her. Camille Voight. Her mother. The woman who knew her so well that she already knew more than seven years ago which words she'd need to hear one day.

Hank came back to the living room, sat down right next to her, squeezed her hand and placed a kiss on her hair.

″Thank you,″ Erin sobbed, lying her head on his shoulder.

″Don't thank me. It was all her idea.″

″She's amazing. She always was and always will be.″

Hank didn't answer, just squeezed her hand a little more. They sat there in silence for some more moments until Erin was able to speak again.

″So, did you show me this video today because you heard all of the things I said at the graveyard or because you're honestly 200% sure that Jay's the one?″ she asked and looked up to him, raising her eyebrow. His lips formed a little smirk.

″Both, I think.″

″Really?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows even more.

″Listen Erin, I made many mistakes in my life and forcing you and Halstead to end your whatever it was back then was one of them. I didn't know that there were some serious feelings between the two of you. I thought it was just a game, just for fun. But it took me a while to figure out that it was more for the both of you. That's why I gave you the green light after your sabbatical. I realized that you need him. That you came back to Intelligence not for me or the team but for him. That you walk into the precinct smilingly day by day not only because you love your job but mainly because you love him. And I have to admit, it really impressed me that he never gave up on you. He was the one holding on, trying to get you back where you belong. I realized that he might just love you as much as you love him. I still think that you guys kinda rushed things and maybe skipped a few chapters in your life but I also know that unplanned things sometimes happen,″ he sighed and glanced to her swollen stomach. ″And you know, then I heard Halstead's feared voice Thursday night and saw the pain in his eyes. We didn't know anything about your condition or the baby and when I arrived at your apartment, I saw the face of a man who was scared to lose the reason he lives for. In fact it remembered me of myself, of the face I saw in the mirror when Camille was sick and after she died. I thought a lot about it when I tried to sleep on that couch of yours and I remembered the video Camille made, remembered all the things she said how your boyfriend should be. And I noticed it all applies to Halstead. He is the man Camille prayed you'd find one day. It's just me who needed time to accept that. But hell yeah, he's a keeper, Erin,″ he grinned.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ she replied with a laughter.

″I'm sorry for all the things I did Erin,″ he said.

″It's okay,″ she shrugged. ″Fighting for the things you love only makes you stronger,″ she winked.

″Glad you see it like this,″ he smirked and got up from the couch. ″So, as you are now used to cook every day, you gonna give me a hand with making dinner?″

″I'd love to, but I can't. Jay and Noah are waiting for me to come home.″

″They don't,″ he smiled as he shook his head. ″I invited them for dinner, they should come within the next hour.″ Erin's eyes widened in disbelief by his words. Hank has invited Jay for dinner. At his house. This was a red-letter day for sure.

″Well...that's a surprise. Let's get the party started then,″ she laughed and followed him into the kitchen.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Noah, guess what we're doing today?″ Erin smiled when she put him his winter jacket and his beanie on on Monday morning. The dinner at Hank's house and their Sunday had passed smoothly but yet Noah hasn't seen his mother as she's been too weak and the doctors didn't allow a toddler on the ICU. But just this morning Will had called Jay and told him that they could bring the boy with them today as it would be the best way for Liv to recover.

″Playground?″ Noah asked and his face lightened up.

″Maybe in the afternoon. We're going to see your mommy now.″

″Mommy?″ he asked and a beaming smile appeared on his lips.

″Yes, your mommy is back and we're going to visit her,″ Erin said.

″Mommy, mommy, mommy,″ Noah screamed joyfully and jumped through the hall like a bouncy ball.

″Hey buddy, what's the screaming?″ Jay asked Noah as he walked out of the bathroom in this moment, picked the toddler up and swirled him through the air.

″We see mommy,″ he told Jay all smiles.

″Yeah? Are you excited?″

″Yaaaah, mommy,″ he squeaked happily.

″Alright, then we shouldn't waste any time, huh?″ he asked, tickled him softly and then let him down to the ground again.

″Nooo,″ he confirmed and grabbed for Erin's hand, who was still kneeling on the floor and had watched this cute scene between Jay and Noah in awe.

″You can't leave the house without shoes,″ Erin laughed as Noah seemed to be determined to leave the apartment as fast as possible.

″I can,″ he answered and tried to reach for the doorhandle but luckily he was too small for it.

″You wish, buddy, come here,″ she said and patted the wooden floor in front of her.

″I no need shoes.″

″You do, Noah.″

″No no,″ he said and shook his head.

″We won't visit your mommy without shoes. Then you and I will stay here and only Jay will visit your mommy because he's a good boy and is taking his shoes on,″ Erin said and pointed to Jay who was slipping into his sneakers. Noah looked and her with big eyes, obviously didn't know what to do and remained at the door. ″So be a good boy, too and sit down please,″ Erin added completely calm but already waited for another meltdown as she remembered how Liv had told her that he was testing his limits every day at the moment and this was just another proof of it. Noah stayed at the door, a glimmer of provocation in his eyes as he glanced at her and Erin glared back at him, waited for him to come and hoped he really would because a rampage was the last thing she wanted.

″I won't ask you again Noah. Please come here now or we'll stay here,″ she shrugged with a strict voice and already started to take her own shoes off again.

″Nooo,″ Noah said and came running to her. ″You no leave without shoes.″

″Alright, I'll put mine back on when you put yours on, deal?″ Erin asked him.

″Mhm,″ Noah nodded and sat down on the floor to let Erin him put on his shoes.

″Then let's go,″ Erin said to Noah when she was done and Noah got up instantly while Jay pulled Erin up from the floor.

″Good job,″ he grinned and placed a kiss on her temple before the three of them left the apartment for what felt like the 100th drive to Med within the last few months.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

At the hospital, Erin went for her control-CTG and ultrasound while Jay and Noah already went to visit Liv. She's been transfered to a normal room this morning and before they entered her room, Jay let Noah down to the floor, knelt down, too and helped him to put his jacket and his beanie off.

″Listen Noah,″ he said afterwards. ″Your mommy has a big owie. So you have to be really, really, really careful, okay?″

″Mhm,″ the toddler nodded.

″Yaah? This is important Noah. Do you promise me that you will be careful?″

″Yaah,″ he nodded again. ″Mommy see now?″

″Yes, then we'll see your mommy now,″ he said, got up and grabbed Noah's little hand to walk into the room with him where he then was about to see one of the most beautiful scenes he's witnessed in his life so far.

″Mommyyyyyyyy,″ Noah screamed as soon as he saw Liv lying in her bed and ran towards her.

″Hey sweetheart,″ Liv said with a cracky voice, tears welled in her eyes as she finally saw her son again, her son she thought she'd never see again.

″Mommy up,″ he pleaded.

″Wait, I got you,″ Jay said and lifted him up on the bed. ″But remember what I've told you.″

″Mommy,″ he smiled overjoyed and touched her arm carefully. ″Mommy owie.″

″Yes, mommy has an owie but she feels so much better since you're here now,″ she whispered as tears rolled down her face and she ran her fingers through her son's dark brown hair.

″I luv you,″ he said and crawled up a bit to give his mother a soft kiss.

″I love you too, Noah. And I missed you so much,″ she said and stroked his face with her thumb.

″No cry mommy,″ Noah smiled, touching her face with his little hand.

″I'm just so happy that you're here, sweetie,″ Liv answered and a smile formed through her tears.

″Me happy, too,″ Noah giggled.

″Come in my arm.″

″But mommy owie.″

″My owie is more on the other side, so it's okay,″ Liv smiled and Noah immediately crawled onto her side and into her embrace, becoming completely calm while being all snuggled up next to his mother.

″Thank you for everything Jay. I can't tell in words how grateful I am for what you and Erin did for us,″ Liv said while looking down into her son's satisfied, smiling face.

″You're welcome Liv. It's a pleasure to spend time with this little munchkin. Mostly,″ he chuckled.

″Did he have some meltdowns and test his limits?″

″From time to time. But Erin is great with him, she handled it well,″ Jay smirked and remembered how just this morning she has really surprised him with the way she had handled the two-and-a-half-year-old. Ever since the little drama the other night and their talk about her being a bad mother and his emphatic words to convince her that she wasn't a bad mother at all, she seemed to be a lot more confident in herself.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ Liv winked. ″Where is she by the way?″

″She had another control-CTG and ultrasound but I think she should be here soon.″

″Why does she need another control-CTG?″ Liv frowned.

″She didn't tell you?″ Jay asked and was a little surprised as he has assumed Erin had told her during the long hours she'd been here the last two days. But as he know thought about it, of course she hasn't said a word about it as Liv would surely feel guilty for it.

″Tell me what?″

″Well,″ Jay sighed and bit his lip. Now he had no other option than telling her about one of the toughest nights of his life. ″We had quite a scare the night from Thursday to Friday...″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The three of them were joined by Erin about an hour later and at this point Noah was back to being all goofy and hyped and ran through the room as he started to get bored.

″Everything alright?″ Jay asked her as soon as she stood next to him.

″Couldn't be any better,″ Erin smiled.

″That's great,″ he smiled while Noah sang a undefinable 'lalala' and ran from one end of the room to the other pretending he was an airplane.

″What's wrong with him?″ Erin laughed and pointed to Noah.

″He's bored I guess. Only was excited to see me for the first 45 minutes,″ Liv sighed.

″Liv, I don't think he's not excited to see you because I haven't seen him this happy in the last couple of days,″ Erin winked. ″But it's not really an exciting place for a kid.″

″I can't blame him but still, this is a hospital and it's time for me to be the strict mom again,″ she said. ″Sweetie, come here please,″ she then called her son and he came running to her bed.

″You play with me?″ he asked full of hope

″I can't sweetie because I have to rest. And this is a hospital, Noah and here are lots of people who have owies. So you can't run around here. You have to be really quiet so the other sick people can rest, too,″ she explained her son but he didn't seem to be satisfied with her answer.

″But I wanna play,″ he said and his voice got whiny.

″Hey buddy, how about you and me go to the playground for a little while and then we'll come back to see your mommy in the afternoon? How about that?″ Jay chimed in before Noah would have another meltdown and he saw both, Erin and Liv forming the words thank you.

″Yes playground,″ he nodded eagerly.

″Alright,″ Jay said, got up and put him his winter jacket on.

″I think we'll also do the grocery shopping later, is there anything you need?″ Jay asked Erin, who has now taken his spot in the chair right next to Liv's bed, before he left.

″Naah, I can't think of anything. But I can also do that later, Jay, you don't have to do it.″

″No, no, no, you have to take it easy,″ Jay grinned, kissed her for goodbye and then left the room hand in hand with the toddler.

″You found yourself a diamond,″ Liv grinned as they watched the two of them disappear and Erin didn't know that just some weeks ago Jay's cousin had told him the same about her.

″Sometimes I can't believe he's real,″ Erin nodded, smiling fondly and also these words had come out of Jay's mouth when he was talking about her not so long ago.

″He's such a daddy, it's too cute,″ Liv said and lay back into the cushions.

″Yeah right? I can't wait to see him with her,″ Erin smiled, placed her hand on her swollen stomach lovingly and looked down to it, not seeing how Liv scanned her and when she looked to her friend again she saw that gaze on her face she couldn't really interpret.

″What?″ Erin laughed.

″Nothing,″ Liv smirked.

″Come on,″ Erin begged and raised her eyebrows.

″I've just remembered how you told me you don't have the famous pregnancy glow and I guess you were right. But damn girl, you have it now,″ Liv winked.

″I surely don't,″ Erin laughed and shook her head.

″Believe me, you're glowing Erin. And it suits you.″

″Naah, it doesn't,″ she answered but felt how her cheeks blushed by Liv's words. Since she was already the second person who told her that she's changed into that glowing type of a pregnant woman, she should maybe start to believe it.

″It does,″ Liv disagreed again. ″Thursday to Friday night changed something, right?″ she asked, having a knowing glance on her face and Erin slightly frowned by her question.

″Who told you about that night?″

″Jay. He mentioned it earlier as he thought you already told me. And I'm so sorry for this, what you guys had to go through. It just happened because of me,″ she said and towards the end her voice got really quiet.

″See, that's the reason why I didn't tell you yet. This is absolutely not your fault, Liv and I don't want you to blame yourself for it,″ Erin sighed. ″It was my fault all the way along. But I think I've somehow needed it. I was so scared to lose her that night...″ she added and her voice trailed off as she had to swallow hard. ″I realized how much I actually love and want her, how much deep down inside I've looked forward to have my own family without that I'd ever really realized it. Becoming a mother still scared me but the possibility of not becoming a mother scared me even more. I'm still scared that I'll maybe mess it up as I have no idea how to be a mom but I guess that's the normal fear every first-time-mom has. And yet I'm just so grateful that she's still inside of me where she can grow some more weeks, that I still feel her kicks all day. It's suddenly the best feeling in the world and I don't care anymore whether she does it all night long and prevents me from sleeping, whether she kicks my bladder or whether I feel her feet in my ribs,″ Erin smiled faintly and continued to tell Liv how her feelings have changed ever since she'd thought her daughter would maybe be born 12 weeks early.

″I think I couldn't cherish this little miracle with all my heart because I was too scared that I would become the same bad mother that my mom was. But after that night, when I thought I'm even worse than her because I already failed in protecting my daughter while she's still inside of me, Jay found exactly the words I needed to hear. Words that helped me to realize that I'm not my mother. That although her blood is running through my veins I'm completely different than her, that we're maybe bound by blood but that's all we have in common. That having the worst mother ever will only make me a better mother. That I in fact had the best mother a girl can wish for from the day on I moved into Hank's house, a mother who really is a role-model for me when I think about what kind of a mother I wanna be. I'd never thought about this before and I just really needed to hear it. From him I guess. As I told you, he always finds the right words,″ she smiled fondly.

″You're safe haven struck again,″ Liv grinned.

″My safe haven struck again,″ Erin echoed and her smile grew even wider by the truth of these words. He was her safe haven, her rock, her hero, her soulmate, her best friend, all in once. She needed him like she needed the air to breathe, the water to rehydrate. She needed him to feel complete. To feel safe. To feel confident. She needed him to grow, to overcome all her issues. She needed him because he was the greatest gift she's ever been blessed with.

″When will you guys finally tie the knot then?″ Liv asked, grinning mischievously and this question kinda brought Erin back to reality. Marriage was something she hasn't wasted much thoughts on yet as she wasn't sure whether this was something she wanted.

″I don't know, I don't think we ever will,″ she shrugged and Liv seemed to be a little disappointed by her answer. Strangely, saying these words somehow didn't feel right deep down inside of her and for a split second Erin thought about whether marrying him one day was actually something she wanted more than she was able to admit at this point. But then again she asked herself whether a ring would change as much as that a wedding was admirable or whether it would much more only complicate and ruin things somehow.

″Really?″ she asked and raised her eyebrow.

″Liv, I don't need a white dress and a ring to prove that I love him,″ Erin answered seriously but also laughed a little.

″I know you guys love each other, everyone can see it only from the way you look at each other. I just thought it's maybe a logical consequence, you know. But anyway, I'm sorry for being snoopy,″ she winked.

″It's okay,″ Erin assured her. ″It's just something I haven't thought so much about yet."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Dr. Hanson asked me today whether we want to attend prenatal classes at Med,″ Erin told Jay in the evening while watching TV more or less interested, his feet propped up on the coffee table in front of him as she had her head rested in his lap, her feet needing the rest of the space on the couch.

″I don't know, do you want to?″ he asked her. Until now they have never talked about it and he hasn't had the feeling yet that visiting prenatal classes was something she would want to do.

″I don't know either,″ she shrugged.

″It might be a good thing.″

″Or a waste of time,″ Erin chuckled.

″Or that,″ he laughed. ″But it wouldn't harm if we are somehow prepared.″

″Yeah I know, that's what I thought, too. And on the one hand I think we maybe should do it...but on the other hand I maybe don't wanna know in detail what's in store for me,″ she said and grimaced only by the thought of it.

″Er, we both know what's going to happen...more or less,″ he answered, softly stroking her cheek with his thumb, giving her some comfort.

″Maybe I want to keep it that way...with only knowing it more or less,″ she laughed.

″Whatever you want,″ Jay grinned.

″Hmm,″ she nodded and Jay saw in her face that she kept on thinking about it. ″Maybe we should give it a try. If we don't like it we can still cancel it after the first class, what do you think?″

″Whatever you want,″ he repeated his words smirkingly and then leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips, getting more and more excited about the days, the weeks, the months to come until they would welcome their together greatest gift into this world and he only had to look in Erin's face, seeing the spark that surrounded her eyes, her lips, her complete face, to see that she was finally as excited as him...

* * *

 **Hope you liked it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)**

 **Since there are so many changes/things happening at CPD at the moment I just want to say that I do not plan to kill Justin off (he'll rather make an appearance soon) and I will not write Antonio and (possibly) Mouse off (btw: I didn't forget about his 'love interest', it'll come up again :D). In my story they will stay in the unit. As for Roman, I know I didn't mention him in a while but you can assume he's still on patrol with Kim at this point. Maybe I change this to Tay one day, depends on how long she sticks around. :)**


	32. From The Bottom Of My Heart

**Thank you all again for the reviews, follows and favs, they always make me so happy! :) On to chapter 32. As I said before, it's mostly fluff for now and I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

 **32\. From The Bottom Of My Heart**

″Jay?″ Erin called from the bedroom on Wednesday morning, the day before Thanksgiving. After they had taken care of Noah for another one and a half weeks as Liv had to stay in the hospital, Noah's nanny had finally joined them after returning from her vacation to help Liv with travelling back home to New York as she was of course not allowed to lift her son or any other heavy items for a little while. When they'd said goodbye not even a week ago, Liv had invited them and Hank to New York for Thanksgiving as she wanted to say thank you for all the things they've done for her during the last two weeks. Erin had tried to talk her out of it because she found hosting Thanksgiving was too much stress for her but Liv had insisted that she wanted to do it and had promised that she'll let other people help her. So of course Jay and Erin and Hank as well have agreed to come to New York and as their flight was scheduled for the evening after work they still had to pack their bags in the morning before heading to work. At least Erin's and Jay's flight as Hank would take one on the following morning as he hasn't been at work these last two days to spend some well-deserved downtime with Justin, Olive and Daniel.

″Yeah?″ Jay called back and joined her some seconds later, leaning on the doorframe casually, having his hands in his pockets and checking out the mess Erin made once again while packing her bag.

″Do you know where my beanie is?″ she asked, exhaling a bugged sigh.

″Which one of the 50 you have?″ he chuckled.

″My favorite one of course.″

″Maybe,″ he grinned, left her alone for a moment and when he joined her again he threw the black beanie to her. Erin smiled when she caught it as this was just another proof of how attentive he was. She didn't have 50 beanies but quite some anyway, some even had the same color, and he still knew exactly which one was her favorite.

″Where was it?″ she asked while tossing it into her bag.

″You left it at the kitchen counter next to the sink two days ago so I allowed myself to put it at the place where it belongs: the small dresser next to the coatrack,″ he grinned, finding that he's paraphrased her mess in a pretty nice way without telling her directly what a messy person she was. But he knew she knew anyway.

″If you had left it where it was I would've known where it was,″ she winked, trying to defend her mess.

″You wouldn't,″ he laughed, came closer to her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

″I would,″ she answered all serious.

″No way,″ he smirked and kissed her lips before she was able to further try to tell him different. But of course, for Erin, this little kiss wasn't the end of their conversation.

″You know babe, everyone can handle order but only a genius can master chaos,″ she chuckled and grinned up to him all innocent and Jay slightly shook his head by her statement.

″So you wanna tell me you're a genius?″ he asked and raised his eyebrow playfully.

″Of course I am,″ she nodded.

″Of course you are,″ Jay echoed. ″You know my genius chaos-master, we should really clear out your wardrobe before I bring all my stuff here,″ he then said, letting his gaze wander over the mess in the inside of her wardrobe and the open drawer of the dresser.

″You wish,″ Erin laughed.

″Come on, Er, I'm pretty sure half of the things in there you haven't even worn once yet, right?″

″That's actually...-″

″True?″ he interrupted her and laughed, earning a punch onto his shoulder from her.

″Maybe,″ she smirked and bit her lip.

″Then we already know what we're going to do next weekend, huh?″ he asked, a winning smile rushing over his face while Erin grimaced by this thought and by thinking how much they still had to do in the weeks to come.

″Guess we have to,″ she sighed. ″We actually have to do a lot more than just that. We have to bring all your stuff here and empty your apartment, we don't have a nursery yet let alone even a crib. We don't have any clothes for her yet and neither do we have any baby stuff at all. Seriously, we are the worst parents-to-be in the world.″

″We're not,″ he disagreed immediately.

″It's just nine more weeks, Jay. Nine. And we have nothing prepared. Nothing. We haven't had the time to attend one single prenatal class yet. Damn we don't even have a name and you want to tell me we're not bad?″ she asked snappishly and let out a sardonic laughter.

″Hey babe,″ he said softly and grabbed her chin so she had to look at him. ″We had other stuff to deal with the last three weeks. We still have nine weeks to go shopping and to prepare the nursery and we'll get it done in time, I promise. We will attend the prenatal class next Wednesday evening and about the name: do you really think we need nine weeks to decide on one?″ he asked and gave her an encouraging smile.

″I don't know, I for one haven't had a brilliant idea yet, did you?″

″Nope,″ he answered honestly. He had to admit, until some weeks ago he hasn't had the feeling that Erin already wanted to talk about names, that's why he had pushed the name game away, too. But now, with her due date coming closer and closer and with her finally being excited about their future, she has started to nest so he could understand that she was afraid they wouldn't get everything done in time.

″See,″ Erin sighed, ″she will be born nameless.″

″So what? She doesn't need a name before she's born, we can decide on a name when we see her. Just like 'oh, she looks like a...whatever',″ he laughed and this goofy statement also brought a smile back on Erin's face.

″Whatever?″ Erin laughed.

″I told you I haven't thought about names yet. But in case we don't find one we can still name her Minnie,″ he winked.

″We're not going to name our daughter after a comic character Jay Halstead.″

″Damn. And I just wanted to suggest you Cinderella and Ariel,″ he smirked. ″What about Arwen though? Or Leia?″

″Naming her after a fictional character from Lord of the Rings or Star Wars doesn't make it any better,″ she chuckled and slightly shook her head. He was such a lovely dork sometimes and was always able to lighten up her mood whenever she was in a mood that needed to get lighted up.

″Katniss? Neytiri? Lara Croft?″ he joked.

″Not going to happen,″ she laughed. Standing on her tiptoes, she pressed her lips gently to his.

″We'll find a name,″ he assured her afterwards.

″We better do,″ she nodded. ″I want it to be something special, something unique. A name where not five other kids turn their head around when we call her at the playground.″

″So back to Katniss or Neytiri?″ Jay chuckled.

″Jay!″ she blurted and narrowed her eyes while looking at him. ″I said unique, not crazy.″

″Keep cool, Er. We'll find a perfect name for our perfect little girl,″ Jay said again, looked down to her still not too big 31-weeks-belly and softly rubbed it with his hand. ″We will see one, hear one when we least expect it and say that's it, that's the name we've been looking for.″

″You know what, I guess you're right,″ she said while she was also looking down to her round stomach and placed her hand next to his.

″Of course I am,″ he chuckled and Erin just rolled her eyes as she now looked at him.

″For once,″ she coughed laughingly.

″Shut up and pack your back Erin Lindsay,″ he chuckled and softly slapped her across the backside.

″Just want to remind you that I would be finished by now if I didn't have to look for my beanie for ten minutes,″ she answered all dry but gave him a little wink anyway and then turned around to finally toss her remaining stuff into the bag.

Jay just stood there some more moments and watched her while he slightly shook his head. Two things would for sure never change: that she was one of the messiest persons he knew and that she always needed to have the last word in every conversation. But exactly this sassy attitude was one of the things he fell in love with in the very first second.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A hotel in the heart of Manhattan was their destination after they'd landed at the LaGuardia airport in the evening. It was a cold and clear night and New York looked beautiful in the dark with all its lighted skyscrapers. Although Chicago was also a big city that looked incredible by night, New York was somehow different, especially some weeks before Christmas.

″Are you hungry?″ Jay asked after they had checked in into their hotel and were now in what was quite a big room for New York conditions on the 15th floor of the older building.

″Yeah, a little snack would be just fine now,″ she grinned from the bed. She's lain down seconds after they had entered the room and had watched Jay unpacking the few things from their bags as they would stay here not only for one night but for four. Just coming here for Thanksgiving would've been somehow senseless so they had decided to stay for the whole weekend, enjoy some more time of togetherness before their life would change soon and also visit Jay's aunt and uncle again on that occasion.

″You feeling good?″ he asked as he sad down on the edge of the bed, stroked her thigh with his hand.

″Yeah, I'm good. Just my feet are swollen from the flight and my back hurts from the uncomfortable seats in the plane and not to forget that this little lady is getting heavier,″ she sighed and rubbed her round stomach.

″I could give you a massage and then we can go out for dinner and stroll through the city a bit,″ he said.

″Not a bad idea, at least the part with the massage and having dinner somewhere,″ she smiled.

″Walking around will do you good, babe.″

″It's cold outside.″

″You have a winter jacket.″

″Which I can't close anymore.″

″You never close it anyway,″ Jay laughed, thinking about last winter and how she had only closed her winter jacket when it was below 20 and they were fortunately far away from that this evening.

″You got a point there,″ Erin admitted laughingly and turned to her side, as her stomach was too big to lie prone, so he could start the massage he gave her almost every evening at the moment.

″I know,″ Jay nodded, inwardly celebrating that he's won this little fight against her.

″You're getting better every day,″ Erin mumbled into the pillow as the pressure of his fingers immediately helped to relax the uptight muscles of her lower back.

″Of course. I have to groove it until the end of January so I can support you in the best way possible when there's already so less I can do,″ he said and his voice was all serious, no teasing and joking about her paying him a compliment and his words and the way he'd said it made her heart melt a little. The birth of their daughter was not only going to be a stiff piece of work for her but also for him as she sensed seeing her in pain would be anything but easy for him so of course he would give everything he could to make it a little more bearable for her.

″It's already perfect and I hope it will have a similar effect in January although I'm afraid it won't,″ she said with a mix of a sigh and a laughter.

″Are you scared?″ he asked while he was even increasing the pressure which made her groan softly.

″Scared because she has to come out the same way she came in, just with the little difference that she's now ten thousand times bigger? Damn yes, it scares the hell out of me,″ she sighed. ″I mean, I know it's going to be hard, that's no secret, but I think I can't imagine how hard it's actually going to be. What about you?″

″I'm nervous and it's still nine weeks. So you can assume I will be a mess when the day is finally here,″ he answered, chuckling slightly.

″Yeah I guess so,″ she laughed. ″You know, I keep telling myself that women are giving birth for thousands of years already so why shouldn't I manage it?″

″You're going to nail it, Er because you're the strongest woman I know.″

″We'll see,″ she sighed. ″But what I know is that it will be all worth it the moment she's here.″

″It will,″ Jay smiled and he felt an excited flutter in his stomach as he imagined the moment they would see their daughter for the first time, hold her for the first time. He couldn't describe in words how much he looked forward to that day. The day which wasn't so far away anymore.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

One hour later they strolled through the still busy streets of downtown Manhattan and soon found a nice, little restaurant where they then had dinner. Afterwards they walked around a little more, holding each others hands tightly, saw some of the typical tourist spots by night and also passed the famous ice rink at the Rockefeller Center, watched all the families skating there for a while. Kids, teens, people their age, even some elderly couples aged around 70 and all of them were having lots of fun on the ice.

″You know, when I was a kid I sometimes watched movies to escape reality and when they played in New York around Christmas the families in these movies always went here and I always dreamed about being one of these happy, laughing kids who skates here with their loving parents. But as I knew this wouldn't happen I just wished to skate here one day no matter how old I am, to feel the magic of this place,″ Erin said pensively as she watched a mother helping up her son who has tumbled.

Jay turned his head around to her as he heard the sad undertone in her voice and scanned her face, saw the silent pain reflecting from it and this made his heart ache. She deserved the world after everything she had to go through in her life already. And he wanted to give her all the things she deserved, wanted to create new memories with her. Memories that would make her forget her childhood and growing-up. Memories she would one day look back to with a smile on her face.

″Come on,″ he said and grabbed her hand, wanted to pull her with him.

″What are you up to?″ she frowned, not letting him pull her with him so easy.

″We go skating,″ he winked.

″I'm not sure whether this is a good idea at the moment,″ she said and slightly shook her head. She didn't want to do anything that could maybe harm her daughter who right now once again danced around in her stomach. They've had enough drama already and there was no need for another fall, preterm labor or another catastrophe that could happen.

″How do you always say? You're just pregnant, not sick to death,″ he answered encouragingly and Erin couldn't believe that these words acutally came from his lips. Until now it has always been him who has done everything to protect her and the baby and now, when she also wanted to protect their baby from any possible dangers, Jay encouraged her in doing something that contained a risk?

″I know. But I wouldn't call myself a pro on the skates. Actually I would most likely fall down all the time and that's not worth the risk.″

″I am quite good and I will hold you and take care that you won't fall,″ he said, smiling at her softly. Erin looked at him, still being a bit insecure. Of course she knew he wouldn't let her fall. He never had and he never would. Regarding everything. He was her rock, her hero for a reason.

″Come on Er, it's your lifelong dream right?″ he said as he saw her hesitating. Now she got it: he only encouraged her because he now knew skating here was her childhood dream, so he obviously wanted to fullfill her this dream this evening regardless the fact that she was almost eight months pregnant. Her heart got warm when she once again realized how much he did, how much he gave, every single day, to make her happy and to show her how much he loved her.

″Okay let's try it,″ she finally nodded and a little smile also returned to her face.

″Good, then come,″ he grinned and this time she let him pull her with him to the skates rental. He helped her to put on the skates and then entered the ice rink with her. In the beginning she held one hand onto the boards all the time while her other almost frantically held onto Jay's hand but after the first two rounds she felt safe enough to only use Jay's hand as security.

″Natural talent, huh?″ Jay chuckled next to her as her steps became bigger, pluckier and more secure.

″Don't speak too soon,″ she answered, being all concentrated on doing it right and not getting rollicking because it worked surprisingly well.

″Okay,″ Jay laughed and they kept on skating around the ice rink until Erin ran out of energy and stopped in the middle of the rink to make a short break and catch some breath.

″Thank you for this,″ she smiled at him, her cheeks being slightly red from the cold and the exertion and the adrenaline that went through her body. ″This was even better than I always imagined,″ she whispered before her lips melted with his in a grateful kiss. As a kid it had always been her dream to skate here with her family, to do all the things normal families did and to finally be a real family but it stayed a dream all the time. And now, more than twenty years later, she stood in the middle of this famous ice rink in the moonlight, in the arms of the man she loved, the man who was her family now, and just felt endlessly grateful to experience the fullfilling of this dream with him.

″It was a pleasure to skate with you,″ he smirked and also kissed her. ″How did Minnie like it?″

″I think these unknown movements rocked her to sleep,″ she laughed.

″Great. Now we know what we're going to do once she's born and doesn't settle at night,″ he chuckled.

″Uh-huh, this must be the best idea you've ever had,″ she smirked teasingly. ″Where did you even learn it?″

″Skating?″ he asked back and she answered with a nod. ″Wisconsin of course,″ he smirked, ″sometimes we've been there for the winter holidays and when the lake was frozen, like really really frozen, our grandfather allowed us to play icehockey on it.″

″How is Wisconsin in winter?″

″It's beautiful,″ he smiled.

″As beautiful as in summer?″

″You can't really compare it because it's beautiful in a complete different way.″

″Sounds great,″ she smiled back at him.

″It is,″ he nodded. ″So, you wanna skate a little more or go back to the hotel?″

″Hotel sounds perfect,″ she answered and yawned loudly.

″Yeah, I think it does,″ he laughed. ″Then lets get my tired girls there,″ he winked.

While leaving the ice rink and giving their skates back, Erin couldn't stop thinking about Wisconsin and how his cabin in the middle of nowhere would look like with inches of snow surrounding it. She imagined it looked incredible, like in fairytales or cheesy movies, just like everyone always dreamed to spend Christmas, including herself. But as Hank had invited them last week to celebrate Christmas at his house with Justin and his family they didn't have the chance to simply escape to his cabin to spend their last Christmas two in two there and anyway, she looked forward to spend Christmas with all of the most important persons in her life. And as much as she liked the thought of going to Wisconsin and as much as she wanted to see this beautiful place in the snow, she didn't want to exchange it for the tradition of celebrating Christmas at the Voight's house. Especially not after she and Hank had finally their father-daughter relationship back that was so important for both of them. But yet she had another idea how they could still go there before they would be a family of three.

″Jay?″ she asked as they were on their way back to the hotel, taking a different route this time to see a little more from the city.

″Yeah?″

″What do you think about spending the week around New Year's eve at your cabin? Some downtime for just the two of us before our little troublemaker arrives?″

″Hmm yeah, why not?″ he answered after some moments of silence but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about the idea that she liked pretty much.

″Didn't expect that much enthusiasm,″ she said sardonically, snappishly . ″Sorry that I thought it would be nice to have some time just for us.″

″It would be nice, Er, really nice and there's nothing I'd like to do more,″ Jay assured her instantly as he sensed his answer has annoyed and hurt her. ″It's just...the cabin is in the middle of nowhere, the next hospital is like two hours away and you'll be four weeks ahead of your due date,″ he said, giving her a meaningful glance.

″So what?″ she shrugged.

″So what?″ he echoed and his eyes widened. ″What happens if you go into labor while we're there? I don't want you to give birth on the side of some road in the woods,″ he added with a low voice and Erin could hear and see how worried he actually was about this and she immediately regretted that she'd snapped at him when he was once again just endlessly concerned about the well-being of what were the two most important people in the world for him.

″Jay,″ she said softly and squeezed his hand. ″Why should I go into labor four weeks early? Dr. Hanson always tells us how she's smaller than the average so she will most likely need even more time in there. And for the improbable case that it will happen there I can tell you that no woman gives birth in just two hours. It would be a really uncomfortable ride in the car for me then but I'm sure we would make it to the hospital in time. And believe me Jay, I won't give her another reason to come earlier than the 26th.″

″I know you won't,″ he answered. He knew that the scare of losing their baby or welcoming it into this world way too early some weeks ago have really affected her and has made her realize how much she's fallen in love with their baby during the last few months when she maybe hasn't even realized it until that little drama. Jay couldn't help but think that she had somehow needed this drama to finally be all in. She has changed since that night, was glowing, beamingly happy, softly smiling all the time, showed her feelings for their daughter by always having one hand protectively on her stomach, sometimes subsconsciously sometimes not, enjoyed her pregnancy although this was the exhausting part now and was also filled with real excitement for the things to come.

After Liv and Noah had left for New York and she had returned to work, the first thing she had done on that morning was asking Hank to reduce her job to complete desk duty with regular working hours from 8 to 5, no matter whether their cases actually required her to stay all night. Sometimes she stayed half an hour or an hour longer when something really needed to be finished but the latest she's left the bullpen lately was 6pm. Then she went home to relax on the couch or to take a long bath, giving the aching muscles in her body some relief or to simply lie horizontally in her bed as she had told Jay that sitting vertical on her desk all day wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world as everything has started to get squished together inside of her.

″So where's the problem then?″ Erin asked and interrupted his thoughts.

″I don't know...it could still happen,″ he shrugged and stopped, turned around to face her. She placed her hands on his chest and gazed at him.

″Yeah it could and then we would drive to the hospital and she would be born in Wisconsin. But she won't, Jay. Damn this whole could, would, will, won't drives me nuts,″ she sighed but also had to chuckle a little.

″Me too,″ Jay also sighed. ″I guess I just worry about this too much because I told you, I'm already a nervous wreck.″

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″I think this waiting game will be long enough and I don't want to sit at home for weeks and wait for this one day. When we want to attend a Hawks game two days before my due date then let us attend a Hawks game. When I feel good on my due date and there's no sign of labor and we want to go to the cinema, then let us go to the cinema. When this little lady decides to stay inside of me longer and we want to stroll through the city or make a boat tour on the river three days after my due date then let us simply do it. And when we want to spend New Year's Eve in Wisconsin four weeks before my due date then let us go there. I want us to enjoy the time we have as just the two of us, Jay.″

″You're right,″ he finally agreed after thinking about her words for a minute. ″We should take advantage of our last weeks without parental responsiblities.″

″Wisconsin for New Year's?″ she asked and a smile rushed over her face by the thought of watching the snow fall down in front of the large windows, of spending evenings in front of the fireplace, of being all snuggled up to him under dozens of blankets in their big bed, of walking around in winter wonderland.

″Yeah. Let's go to Wisconsin,″ he grinned back, placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms around her waste to hold her tight for a moment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following morning they both slept in, even Erin was able to sleep longer than usual with the help of some additional pillows Jay had brought her from the reception in the middle of the night as she hadn't been able to fall asleep for two hours. After waking up they had then decided to start the day all lazy and ordered breakfast to their room, watching the big Thanksgiving parade on TV while eating all the delicacies before heading to Liv's place later in the morning.

″Hey there,″ Liv smiled when she opened the door and saw Erin and Jay standing in front of it.

″Hey,″ Erin smiled and hugged her and so did Jay.

″How do you feel?″ Erin asked while she took her jacket and shoes off.

″Getting better day by day but I have the feeling the progress of recovery is endless,″ she sighed.

″Be patient,″ Erin winked and saw in the corner of her eyes how Jay raised his eyebrows by these words coming from her of all things, one of the most impatient persons he knew. ″What?″ she smirked at him.

″Nothing,″ he grinned. ″Just surprised by these words coming from you,″ he added with a wink.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled.

″I'm just at a point where I can't be patient anymore,″ Liv sighed. ″I'm tired all the time, I have to lie down for an hour after everything I do because I run out of energy, I can't do the grocery shopping neither can I go to the playground with Noah because I still have the feeling to suffocate when I do too much and I still can't lift him up. I need help with everything and my nanny basically lives here at the moment. Not sure whether she is more Noah's nanny or mine at the moment but well, I guess I have to take it.″

″You're alive Liv and you're going to be completely healthy again and I'd say that's all that matters,″ Erin said, smiling at her encouragingly.

″It truly is. I just think I need to hear this sometimes,″ she smiled back.

″Is Noah not here?″ Jay asked and his voice sounded almost a bit sad as they now walked into the kitchen and there wasn't a sign of the toddler being in the apartment.

″He's at the playground with his nanny. We don't need him running around in here while preparing all the food. But if you want you can join her so she can go home to her family. They're in the park just one block away,″ Liv suggested.

″Don't you two need a hand with preparing all the food?″ he asked, not being sure whether Liv in her current condition and Erin with her talent for cooking would be able to prepare all the sides to the turkey that was already in the oven.

″Rollins should be here within the next thirty minutes and she has already prepared some things at home, so it's not too much to do for us.″

″What about the other guys?″

″Fin and Carisi will come in around two or three hours I think,″ Liv answered.

″Well, then I might go to the playground,″ Jay winked as he wasn't too keen to be in the kitchen as the only man with three women.

″Get your ass outta here already,″ Erin sassed and slapped across his backside.

″Be patient,″ he smirked, gave her a short kiss and then left the two of them alone in the kitchen.

″So, what do we have to do?″ Erin asked as Liv started to put tons of vegetables out of the fridge.

″Rollins made all the cakes, Carisi and Fin will both bring some appetizers so we just have to make the glazed carrots, the sprouts, the mashed potatoes, the sauteed green beans and the sauces.″

″Just?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows. ″Did I ever mention that I'm not a master in the kitchen?″

″It's not that difficult Erin and I'm sure we'll get it handled,″ Liv winked and gave her all the carrots to cut them into small, bite-size pieces.

″I hope you're right,″ she sighed. During the last few days, when she'd been home from work long before Jay or when Noah had lived with them she had even cooked some times, nothing spectecular but it had been eatable at least and now she couldn't help but think that she was really turning into a housewife when just some weeks ago she'd been sure that Jay would forever stay the house husband. But it looked like this was about to change at the moment and it didn't even feel strange.

″Have you heard anything from Hank today already?″ Erin asked her friend, trying to figure out how much progress they've been making ever since she had told her pseudo-father not to suppress his feelings any longer.

″He texted me two hours ago that his plane is about to take-off any minute so he should be here in two hours at the latest,″ Liv answered.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded, inwardly grinning by the fact that the two of them traded private texts which was a progress since Hank wasn't the guy who used his phone for messaging so much.

″Hasn't he told you?″ Liv asked back, furrowing a brow.

″Uhm...no,″ she lied. Of course he had informed her about his scheduled arrival time and Erin had only asked because she wanted to find out where and how things were going.

″But things are alright between you two, aren't they?″

″Yeah, everything is perfect,″ she smiled. ″He invited us for Christmas last week so I think we're back to normal. Maybe even more than that.″

″Glad you worked it out. I know it's important for him and I assume the same applies for you,″ Liv smiled and Erin was a little surprised by her words. On one hand because she hasn't expected Hank to talk about this and how he felt about all of it with someone else and on the other hand because it was another proof of how close he and Liv actually were.

″He told you about what happened, didn't he?″

″He told me some pieces of what happened while I was in the hospital and he also told me how much he missed you and how hard it was for him having an estranged relationship with you. And then he said he's so happy to have his daughter back in his life and that he's really excited to meet his granddaughter,″ Liv grinned and gave the younger woman, who seemed to be a little speechless, a twinkle. Erin felt tears burning in the corner of her eyes by Liv's words, tears of emotion. All she's wished for was that Hank would be a part of her daughter's life and that he talked about her as his granddaughter and was so excited about her upcoming arrival made her unbelievably happy. It was in fact something she hasn't expected to happen after their relationship had been a stack of broken pieces until some short three weeks ago.

″Hey Erin, you alright?″ Liv asked as she saw the tears welling in her eyes.

″Yeah, I'm fine,″ Erin answered and inhaled deeply. ″I'm just a little emotional these days and weep easily. Blame it on the hormones,″ she added with a laughter.

″There's nothing wrong about being emotional about things that are important for you,″ Liv winked.

″I know. But it's not easy for me to show my emotions and feelings in front of others. Although I know no one would blame me for it I just don't feel comfortable with it. Guess this will never change,″ she shrugged and tried to smile. ″But I can completely show them in front of Jay by now though.″

″Well, that's quite something, huh? Does it feel so bad to show him all of your emotions? To show him how vulnerable you are?″

″No,″ Erin answered and shook her head. ″It feels good that I can show him when I need him, when I need his comfort. I always thought this makes me look weak but it doesn't. At least not in front of him. For everyone else I still have to reach that point where I feel okay with it but I think I'm getting there. I mean I already cried in front of you, I cried in front of Hank, I cried in front of Jay's brother and some other doctors. Not so bad for someone who never allowed herself to look weak and vulnerable in front of others, no matter how dramatic the situation was, I guess,″ she said and laughed a little.

″Not bad at all,″ Liv smiled.

For a little while they kept on preparing the vegetables in silence and just listened to the music that played from the radio, sometimes hummed to the familar melodies but yet there was still one thing on Erin's mind she wanted to talk about with Liv but she didn't know how to start this conversation as she didn't want to bring all the memories of her accident back. It was something that her mind hasn't stopped to think about since the day in the hospital where Liv had asked her to take care of her son in case she wouldn't survive and she wanted to know so badly why out of all people Liv had chosen her, a woman she indeed called a friend but didn't know too well. And the things she knew about her were not just sunshine and roses.

″Liv can I ask you something?″ she blurted somewhen.

″Sure, go ahead,″ Liv answered but slightly frowned.

″Why did you choose me to take care of Noah in case you would've...you know...? Why not anyone else you know much longer already...why me?″ she asked and her words came in a splutter. Liv looked at her for a moment before she started explaining.

″First thing is because you were there, Erin. You were the only person to assure me in that moment that my son would have a safe home, that he would have someone who takes care of him, someone whom I trust, someone where I knew he would have a good life and would get lots of love. Second thing is because I saw the two of you together the day before and it was obvious that Noah also trusts you and likes you a lot. And third thing is because you are one of the strongest women I know. You went through rough times and I have the feeling you came out even stronger. You have the perfect mix of stubbornness, agressiveness, dedication and determination to be a badass cop but you also have your heart in the right place. A big, loving heart that makes you always want to comfort everyone and that makes you care about everyone, maybe even more than you have to. As a cop. As a friend. As a mother. In fact you remind me a lot of myself, Erin,″ she said and gave Erin, who was once again more than just speechless, a warm smile.

″This might be one of the biggest compliments I've ever gotten,″ Erin answered perplexedly and felt how her cheeks blushed. The woman she has admired and looked up to from the moment she had worked together with her for the first time had just paid her a compliment that made her heart literally skip a beat and filled her with the tiniest bit of pride.

″It's the truth. You can be proud of yourself, of how far you've come, of what you've achieved so far and I think there are still big things coming for you,″ Liv winked.

″Yeah, big things indeed,″ Erin laughed, glacing down to her expanding stomach for a moment.

″Well, this of course but that's not what I meant. There are still so many things you can achieve in your career even when you're a mother and I'm sure you'll go places Erin,″ Liv said and she was all serious about it.

″You really want to make me cry today, don't you?″ Erin asked and tried to laugh but her voice was cracky, touched.

″Naah, I'm not. I just wanted to tell you something I think you really needed to hear,″ Liv answered, glancing at her meaningfully and with a soft smile.

″You're right,″ Erin nodded and smiled faintly. ″I needed to hear this. Thank you.″

″You're welcome. I owe you so much Erin, for everything you did for me and Noah and if there's ever anything I can do for you, just let me know. You can always count on my help and my support.″

″Thank you Liv, this means a lot to me and I'm glad to call you one of my best friends.″

″Me too,″ Liv smiled back. ″And now we should stop making each other cry and really get this done,″ she laughed, glancing at all the raw vegetables they still had to prepare and cook.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin and Liv were joined by Rollins and her one-year-old daughter Jesse a little later and prepared the rest of the food together, surprisingly got everything done in time. In between mashing potatoes, cooking beans and sprouts, roasting carrots and mixing various sauces Jay and Noah also came back into the apartment with red noses and big smiles and the little boy was more than happy to see Erin again and literally jumped into her arms to hug her. Noah immediately pulled her with him to his room to show her his newest toys and Erin wasn't too sad to give the task of cooking and preparing to her boyfriend.

When the doorbell rang for a 3rd time this afternoon an hour later, literally after they've just filled all of the sides into big bowls, they were finally joined by the rest of the gang, Carisi, Fin and Hank and the start of their big Thanksgiving dinner was only minutes away. They ate the appetizers while they were all standing in Liv's apartment, talking with each other, laughing together, before Hank got the honorable task to slice the big, delicious looking turkey and then brought it to the already full table under the cheers of the others, all of them staring at the turkey with hungry eyes, ready to finally get the party started. But before starting the big feast, Liv chimed in and gave a little speech and Erin could see tears welling in her eyes already before she started to speak.

″First of all I want to thank you all for coming. It's a pleasure to celebrate this day with you. And second of all, today, on this very Thanksgiving day, I want to thank you all for what you guys have done for me and Noah in the last few weeks. I know I couldn't have done it without your great, unstoppable, relentless help. Thanks to Erin and Jay and Hank for taking care of Noah and me while I was in the hospital, for checking by every single day, for encouraging me, for being there for me, for cheering me and Noah up and most of all, for giving my boy a loving and safe home. Thanks to Amanda, Dominick and Fin for checking by every single day since we've returned to New York, for bringing us food, for keeping me and Noah entertained, for taking care of Noah by bringing him to the playground. Without your help I would be helpless and I'm truly thankful to have such an incredible bunch of people in my life, to call them my family. So once again and from the bottom of my heart I wanna say thank you, thank you, thank you,″ she said and her voice got crackier with every word that escaped from her lips but after taking a deep breath she was able to continue. ″Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Let this be a great one,″ she added and raised her glass.

″Happy Thanksgiving,″ they all chorused and also raised their glasses, clinking them with the one's of the others before the big celebration finally started.

It turned out to be a great day, for sure one of the best Thanksgivings Erin had so far, and the whole afternoon and evening was spent with eating, laughing, chitchatting about work and kids and sports and everything else they wanted to share with each other.

In between exchanging some tenderness every so often and exchanging flirty, loving glances with Jay, Erin didn't miss that Hank and Liv exchanged quite smiliar kinds of glances and she was happy to see that slowly but steady things between them went into the right direction although it would for sure still take a little more time until they would give it a go.

Late in the night, when Erin lay in Jay's arm in their bed, all snuggled up to his side as far as it was possible at this stage of her pregnancy, and couldn't sleep once again because her baby girl preferred to play soccer and grooving her kick boxing skills, she remembered Liv's words of gratitude and how she has called them all her family earlier.

Until some years ago all the family Erin's had was Hank, then she's started working in the Intelligence Unit and all these people also became her family somehow, especially one of them of course. The one she would soon have her own little family with. The one who has changed her life in the most positive way. The one who has given her a real family again by introducing her to his family that she now was a part of, too. In this moment, she realized how many reasons she actually had to be grateful and the warm feeling of endless thankfulness swept through her body by this thought. Thankfulness for her family in New York in form of Liv and Noah and Michael and Susan and the rest of the Taylor-family who lived all across the country and the world. Thankfulness for her family in Chicago in form of Hank and Justin and his family and all of her colleagues and Will of course. Thankfulness for her own little family, her wild child, how she used to call her daughter, who was growing inside of her and would soon turn their life upside down. And most of all thankfulness for the man in whose arms she lay and she wanted to lie in for the rest of her life...

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 **Thanks for reading! Leave a review and tell me what you think :)**

 **The next chapter will finally be about Linstead visiting a prenatal class and maybeeeee baby Halstead gets a name! :)**


	33. By Your Side

**Thank you all once again for the reviews on my last chapter! I had a lot of fun writing this one, so I hope you enjoy it! :)**

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 **3** **3\. By Your Side**

Instead of spending Black Friday in the overcrowded streets and department stores of New York, Erin and Jay began their day once again all lazy with an extensive breakfast in bed and with relaxing at the indoor pool of the hotel for a couple of hours. They only left the hotel in the afternoon for strolling through a park close by and then took a taxi to Michael's and Susan's house which was a little outside of the city in a nice neighborhood, far away from the busy downtown. They had told them some days ago already that they were going to spend the Thanksgiving-weekend in New York and Susan had of course been ecstatic and had immediately invited them for dinner to their house.

After a warm greeting they sat down in the cozy living room where they had a perfect view to the quite big garden and exchanged some stories about the previous weeks, about what has happened since they'd seen each other last in Wisconsin two months ago, about their Thanksgivings and about the upcoming Christmas festival.

″What have you guys planned for Christmas?″ Erin asked.

″We'll fly down to Texas to celebrate with Nick and Lydia and Mylo,″ Susan smiled. ″What about you? Are you going to celebrate with your family?″

″We are,″ Erin answered immediately. ″My...father invited us to his house and my brother and his wife and their son will also come.″ In the corner of her eyes she saw how Jay glanced at her, a tiny smirk forming on his lips by her words. She looked at him for only a second but it was enough to see him winking at her imperceptibly.

″Sounds great and I'm sure it will be just as great.″

″Yeah, it will,″ Erin grinned. She was really excited about this year's Christmas, what also had to do with the fact that she hasn't seen Justin in like forever and really looked forward to spend some quality time with her brother again.

″What is your brother going to do, Jay?″ Michael chimed in into the conversation.

″I don't know, working I guess. He's almost always working on Christmas Eve as all of the doctors who have kids don't have to. And he keeps saying how it's good money,″ Jay laughed.

″Your brother urgently needs a girl,″ Susan sighed.

″Well, he's working on that,″ Jay grinned, hoping that his brother would finally work things with Natalie out and that they would stop dancing around just like he and Erin had at some point. ″So maybe next Christmas.″

″I hope so,″ Susan nodded and then got up and walked to the sideboard, grabbed something from the drawer and came back to the couch with a not so small package that was wrapped in fancy paper.

″Talking about Christmas, this is for you guys,″ she smiled and handed Erin the package.

″Uhm...thank you,″ Erin spluttered a little, giving Michael and Susan a thankful smile. ″You didn't have to do that.″

″It's rather for the baby anyway,″ Susan winked.

″Can we open it or do we have to wait until Christmas?″ Jay laughed.

″Be patient,″ Erin also laughed, shaking her head slightly.

″No, it's okay, you can unwrap it now already,″ Susan said.

″Pleeeeease,″ Jay pleaded, giving Erin that kind of puppy-eyed glance she couldn't say no to.

″Alright, but I unwrap it and you can watch,″ she teased and started to open the present while Jay was watching curiously.

″That's so cute,″ Erin smiled brightly when she saw the baby socks, the stretchie, the tiny gray leggins, the white shirt with the fluffy face of teddybear on front of it and the stuffy, which was also a teddybear. All of the colors of the clothes where neutral, in gray and white, but the teddy had a pink ribbon tied around its neck.

″No way,″ she mumbled in disbelief when she saw it.

″I told you I'm quite good in guessing it right,″ Susan smirked proudly.

″You really are,″ Erin laughed and slightly shook her head. ″How did you know that?″

″The form of your belly. And you're carrying high. That's it,″ Susan winked.

″Unbelievable,″ she grinned. ″Thank you so much for this,″ she then said and hugged the older woman and her husband as well.

″These are actually her first clothes,″ Jay chuckled after also hugging them and took the cute, tiny clothes in his hands, being unable to imagine that their daughter would wear them in some short weeks.

″Really?″ Susan laughed. ″How far along are you now?″

″Nine more weeks to go,″ Erin sighed, rubbing her round stomach with her hand.

″Well, that's still enough time I guess,″ Susan winked. ″And you don't even need that much clothes, they grow so fast and you'll have to buy new ones all the time.″

″Not sure whether I wanna hear that,″ she answered with a chuckle and couldn't let her gaze go off the cute, tiny clothes Jay held in his hands.

″What about a name?″ Michael chimed in.

″Don't even ask,″ Jay laughed. ″I think we will wait with that until she's born.″

″We didn't have names for any of our kids before they were born. Of course we talked about some but we never said 'in case it's a boy it will for sure be Nick or Myles or Isabella for a girl'.″

″I think that's how it'll turn out for us, too,″ Erin shrugged. ″How's Izzie doing in her new job though? She sent us some pics from their trip some weeks ago and after her first week back in Sydney we traded some texts and she said she likes it, so I hope she still does?″

″She does,″ Susan smiled. ″She says she already has a lot of responsibility and works some big cases but she loves the challenge. It's always been her dream job and she totally loses herself in her work.″

″Paul and her are currently looking for a bigger, nicer apartment as they now both earn quite good money but they haven't found the right one yet,″ Michael explained.

″I guess it will be hard to find one that meets her requirements,″ Jay chuckled.

″Since they literally lived in a sardine can the last few years you could be damn right about that,″ Michael laughed.

″Yeah, they showed us some pics when they were in Chicago and it didn't look like the nicest place to live,″ Jay answered with a laughter and saw how Erin raised her eyebrows by his words.

″Says the guy who lives in the top 100 of what must be the ugliest apartments in Chicago,″ she said all dry and gave him a sassy smirk.

″That's why I won't live there for so much longer and will instead move into a really beautiful one,″ he winked, a fond sparkle reflecting from his blue eyes.

They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sitting around the coffee table in the living room, eating cookies and drinking tea and kept on talking about everything. At some point Michael and Jay went out to the big garden as Michael wanted to show Jay some things and wanted to hear his opinion on the conversion plans he had for their garden which he planned to realize next spring while Erin offered to help Susan with preparing dinner as she didn't want her to do everything alone. So she helped where she could and listened to all of Susan's tricks and tips attentively so she could maybe cook by following a recipe at home.

Before they left a couple of hours later, they had to promise that they would call them as soon as baby Halstead was born and would also send some photos and of course they assured them that they would be one of the first who would hear about their daughter's arrival as they were in fact the closest thing Jay had to parents.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The remaining weekend in New York went by in a flash, they fully enjoyed their time together, even went baby clothes shopping and found a few things they both agreed on would surely look adorable. After returning to Chicago they were back in their daily routine pretty fast, which consisted of lots of work for both of them and lots of overtime for Jay. Both nights since they came home from New York he returned to what soon would be their together apartment late in the night and if it wasn't for work, Erin wouldn't have seen him in two days straight.

 _'Got stuck with the case, will be late,'_ Erin read the message from Jay, exhaling a bugged sigh by these words. After leaving work earlier than usual to stroll through some more baby stores to check out all the things they still needed, she was now standing in front of Chicago Med, waiting for Jay to arrive as they had their first prenatal class this evening, just as they had talked about the week before. They had even told Hank that Jay needed to leave work punctual today but of course something important always showed up when they least wanted it. She was slightly annoyed that Jay couldn't make it in time as he surely wasn't the only cop in the 21st right now and as he knew how important this first class was for her. On the other hand she of course also knew that this was his job, their job in fact, to serve and protect this city every time of the day but she didn't feel comfortable with the thought of attending that class all alone.

 _'Late as in some minutes late or late as in you won't make it at all?'_ she texted him back and Jay obviously interpreted her words right and sensed how bugged she was as he called her not even a minute later.

″Erin, I will come,″ he said immediately. ″We just had to arrest some of these drug dealers.″

″Are you sure? Because otherwise I'll go home now,″ she answered snappishly.

″I'll come, I promise you,″ he said softly. ″I think I won't be more than ten or fifteen minutes late and I will hurry up.″

″Okay,″ she sighed. ″I'll wait for you outside of Med.″

″No, you'll already go inside and tell everyone what an undependable partner you have,″ he said with a chuckle.

″That would be a lie and you know that,″ she answered quietly and her voice was back to normal.

″Maybe,″ he laughed. ″But however, we're about to drive back to the district any second and then I'll be there.″

″Alright, see you then,″ she said and hung up before she walked into Med and up to the Labor and Delivery floor where the class took place.

She walked into the big room and felt slightly uncomfortable when all of the couples that already sat on the soft mats on the floor looked at her, more like stared at her.

″Uhm...hi,″ Erin said and her voice came shy and quiet, unlike how it usually was. ″I'm Erin,″ she added and sat down on the last free mat. All the others greeted her as well and introduced themselves but Erin couldn't help but think that they looked at her compassionately.

″Is something wrong?″ Erin blurted as she felt their gazes burning at her, her voice being back to its usual confidence, but also had this bugged, snappish undertone in it again.

″Oh no, I just feel sorry for you,″ one of the women, who had introduced herself as Nicole, said.

″Sorry for me?″ Erin frowned, trying to be as friendly as possible. She didn't like this woman. She didn't like any of the women in here. They all reminded her too much of all these highschool bitches.

″Yes me too,″ the woman Erin remembered as Dana or something similar nodded. ″Because you're a single mother. This must be so hard,″ she added and the compassion in her face even increased.

Erin's eyes widened by her words and she had the urgent wish to jump her in her face. All of them in fact as she could literally see in their faces how they assumed her baby was the result of an one-night-stand and would therefore be born into this world fatherless when her daughter actually had the best dad she could wish for and she herself was blessed with the best partner, the most loving man who walked the earth.

″The prejudices that people, who don't know a shit about other people's lives, have in todays world are seriously awesome,″ Erin answered all dry and tried to keep her voice under control while she had the urge to just simply leave this place.

″Oh...,″ Nicole sighed. ″So you're not...?″

″No, I'm not,″ she interrupted her. ″And in case you don't know yet, traffic at this time of the day is unpredictable and the worst thing ever so before you blindly assume things you don't know anything about you should maybe consider other possibilities.″

″I'm sorry,″ Nicole said and she sounded honestly sorry and so did Dana, who also apologized and looked like she felt slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed now.

″Yeah,″ Erin just shrugged and hoped that Jay would appear soon to save this evening somehow and maybe bring her into a better mood because right now she didn't know how much longer she could take this without losing her self-control.

But instead of Jay, the next person who entered the room was an elder woman who didn't seem to be so friendly. She introduced herself as Mary, their instructor, and she seemed to be bugged and stressed and had totally different attitudes than Erin has always imagined a midwife would have. And no later than she had told them that she was only teaching this class because her colleague Anna, who usually did this, was sick and so she wasn't exactly eager that she had to do her job now and work overtime, Erin was sure that this evening couldn't get any more disastrous. She's always thought that Platt's attitude was tough stuff to deal with when she had her bad days but this was a complete new level. But now she was in and she had to stay no matter how badly she just wanted to leave.

They all had to introduce themselves, had to tell the others their name, their age, how far along they were, whether this was their first child and which job they had. Erin was one of the last to tell and she's hoped Jay would be there by the time she had to tell the others about herself but he wasn't.

″Well, I'm Erin. I'm 31 and I'm a detective in the Intelligence Unit. I'm almost 32 weeks and this is our first child,″ she said and just when she had finished her sentence the door opened and Jay stepped into the room and naturally all eyes were on him for a moment.

″You're late,″ Mary snarled at him.

″Uhm...yeah, sorry...work,″ Jay stumbled, being slightly confused by this unfriendly welcome.

″I don't care acutally, just sit down and introduce yourself,″ she barked.

″Yeah sure,″ he answered and sat down next to Erin who gave him a forced smile that already told him that she was in a rage.

″So...hi, I'm Jay,″ he waved into the circle.

″Age, job...damn why do I have to tell everything twice all the time?″ Mary mumbled, rolling her eyes annoyingly.

″I'm 32 and I'm a detective in Intelligence, just like Erin,″ he said and still looked at their instructor, trying to figure out whether everything of this was a bad joke or whether this was her real behavior.

″Uh-huh, great, next,″ she said, scanning the couple for a short moment and Erin was sure to see in her face how she assumed their baby was the result of an after-work hook-up between two colleagues who were tired of not having time for a proper relationship.

″What the hell is this?″ Jay whispered into Erin's ear and used the occasion to also kiss her cheek softly.

″Our instructor. Hopefully only for today,″ Erin sighed while the two remaining couples also introduced themselves.

″She seems to be motivated,″ he chuckled.

″Motivated to go home and jack it all in, yeah,″ Erin whispered and turned her head to him. ″And she must be the friendliest person I've ever met.″

″She's a witch,″ Jay answered casually, putting what both of them were thinking in a nutshell pretty good.

″Jay!″ she hissed and looked to Mary, hoped that she hasn't heard it. But thankfully it looked like everything was under control. Usually he wasn't the kind of guy who rated people this quick but she guessed it was too obvious in this case.

″What? How would you call her?″ he grinned.

″She's a dragon, at least she looks like one. Maybe she's more like a spitfire,″ she shrugged but even had to grin a little as she felt so much better and calmer ever since Jay's been by her side.

″A witch, a dragon, a spitfire...I'm sure we'll find even more nicknames until the end of the class,″ Jay answered and supressed a laughter that would be too conspicious.

″Alright, now everybody listen,″ Mary began to speak and interrupted their slightly goofy and blaspheming conversation. She explained them all the things they were going to do, which were mostly some exercises in practice today and also what they would do in the classes in the following weeks, which were some more exercises plus all the theoretical things. After telling them the course more or less enthusiastic she started to explain different types of massages which the men had to implement then while the fitting relaxing, slumbrous music was sounding in the background.

Erin sat cross-legged in front of Jay, closed her eyes and enjoyed the pressure of his hands and fingers on her back. She's already known that he was good at it but these new techniques were even better and helped her to finally fully calm down.

″Have you ever seen a dragon that looks like Buddhistic monk?″ Jay whispered in her ear from behind.

″Excuse me?″ Erin asked back but her lips formed a weak grin.

″In case you wanna see it you should open your eyes. I promise, it's worth it,″ he chuckled and Erin was so curious, so of course she opened her eyes and glanced to Mary and she had to give her best to suppress a laughter when she saw what he meant. She didn't have the best build anyway and that she now sat there and seemed to meditate didn't make it any better. Jay's connotation has been pretty much on point and even though she was meditating, her dragon-like face didn't look friendlier at all.

″Jut imagine she starts breathing fire and little puffs of smoke come out of her ears and nose,″ he winked.

″Jay, stop it!″ she chuckled and elbowed him in his gut.

″And then she'll reveal her witches' broom and get off,″ he smirked.

″A dragon on a witches' broom?″ she asked, raised her eyebrows and slightly shook her head, but that suppressed grin was still on her face. ″Whatever you took, Jay Halstead, take less.″

″I'm just summarizing what I see,″ he winked.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″Can we then go back to the point where you are supposed to reduce my back pain instead of caring about witches and dragons?″

″Maybe,″ he grinned, gave her another short kiss on her cheek and continued massaging her lower back.

After they had tested all the different types of massaging, Mary continued the class with explaining more exercises which should help to relieve labor pain. They tried different positions on a birthing ball which Erin really liked and considered she would maybe use when she was in labor and then tried a position where the women had to get down on all fours. Erin pressed her palms and her knees into the soft mat and arched her back towards the ceiling before bringing it back down while Jay had his hand placed on her lower back, rubbing it softly and tracing circles on it with the soft pressure of his palm and his fingers.

″How does it feel?″ Jay asked her.

″Awkward,″ she answered, blowing some strands that have loosened from her ponytail and have fallen in front of her face away only that they fell back in front of it a couple of seconds later, so Jay reached over and tucked them behind her ear.

″Thank you,″ she smiled while continuing to arch and lower her back.

″So I guess this is not a comfortable position for you?″ he asked but Erin could see the kind of naughty grin on his face.

″I don't feel comfortable with it now so I doubt I will when I'm in labor. But who knows,″ she shrugged. ″Why are you even grinning like this?″

″Oh nothing,″ he smirked, a chuckle escaping from his lips, this mischievous glimmer still reflecting from his eyes.

″You're a horrible liar and you know that,″ she laughed.

″This just reminds me of Sunday night...and there you seemed to enjoy this position,″ he said smirkingly, but only as loud that Erin could understand him.

″Jay,″ Erin hissed with a laughter and rolled her eyes, felt how her cheeks blushed a little. With her stomach getting bigger and bigger they've started to use other positions more often when it came to play scrabble lately.

″You wanna tell me you didn't think about it?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows playfully.

″Uhm...no comment,″ she chuckled.

″Okay,″ he nodded. ″I think it was great though.″

Erin looked at him and slightly shook her head. He was such an adorable dork sometimes but the smirk on his lips and the happiness on his face was all she needed at the moment. He's lighted up her mood once again, whether it was with talking about dragons and witches or this goofy statement about their sex life, magically he was always finding a way to make her laugh, to make her feel good and in this case to make this class bearable.

They did another exercise for labor pain relief and for ending the class they made a relaxation exercise combined with a breathing exercise that should help them to breathe through the contractions. Erin settled in between Jay's legs and leaned back on his chest, used him as her pillow while he placed his hands on the sides of her stomach and felt how her stomach arched and lowered when she was inhaling and exhaling deeply. After some moments of silence, where Erin just concentrated on her breathing while listening to the music that was a mix of harp and violin, Jay couldn't help but had to chuckle in her ear when he felt a strong kick against his hand.

″Wild child is awake.″

″As always when I come to the point of relaxing,″ Erin answered in between her rhythm of breathing.

″She just wants you to get used to your future life,″ he said with a grin she of course couldn't see.

″Yeah, I know. Isn't she lovely?″

″Definitely! For me it's still the coolest thing in the world,″ he beamed as he felt another strong kick against his hand and softly tapped on her stomach with his fingertips.

″Yeah sure, easy thing to say for you because you're not the one who has to feel like she plays soccer with your organs and settles her feet in between your ribs.″

″I would want to feel it though.″

″Yeah I know,″ Erin smiled.

″But maybe once would be enough,″ he smirked. ″And now concentrate on your breathing again and ignore little troublemaker, okay?″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded and felt how her body more and more relaxed while concentrating on her breathing and lying in his strong, protecting arms.

The class was finished a couple of minutes later and Mary told them that the next classes where scheduled for Monday and Wednesday of the following week and then she disappeared faster than they all had the chance to ask her some questions. But Erin didn't want to ask this woman anything anyway and so she just hoped that Anna would be completely different than this spitfire of a woman.

″And there she goes on her witches' broom,″ Jay commented her departure.

″Instead of watching this witch disappear you could help your pregnant girlfriend to get up from the floor,″ she teased and reached for his hand. He immediately grabbed it and pulled her up from the floor into his arms.

″Thank you, you're too kind,″ she smirked.

″I know, gentleman, right?″

″Sometimes,″ she laughed and merged his lips with hers before they left the hospital, picking up some takeout on their way home for an easy-going evening with eating pizza while watching the game.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″How did you like it though?″ Jay asked when they were back in the apartment, bringing Erin a glass of water to the couch, having a bottle of beer for himself in his other hand.

″Despite of Mary I liked it. It was good and I think it will help.″

″So you wanna attend the next class?″ he asked as he sat down next to her and grabbed a piece of pizza.

″Yeah, I wanna attend them all. At least it makes me feel a little more prepared,″ she sighed.

″Then we will attend them all,″ he winked. ″Talking about preparation: I thought we could tidy out my apartment on Saturday and pack all the stuff into boxes and then one of the guys can help us to bring them here and on Sunday we can start with the nursery.″

″Sounds like a good plan,″ Erin answered. Her voice didn't sound excited but rather pensive. She knew that they had to prepare the nursery, and of course she wanted to do it, but it also meant that they had to empty Nadia's old room. The one room she has avoided to go in if possible ever since she had emptied all the drawers and dressers and shelfs to send her belongings to her father. The room that brought back so many memories whenever she stepped inside and even now, just thinking about it let a lump build up in her throat.

″I need to show you something,″ Erin said, interrupting her own thoughts, pushing these memories away, and her voice was cracky which Jay didn't miss.

″You alright?″ he frowned.

″Yeah...I mean it's just a room right?″ she shrugged, blinking to the ceiling a few times to not let any tears fall from her eyes.

These words were enough for Jay to know what this was about. It was honestly something he hasn't thought about yet but of course he could understand why this was going to be hard for her. He looked at her, saw the pain in her face and how she tried everything to keep herself together. Out of a sudden she appeared so fragile and vulnerable again. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders he placed a soft kiss on her temple and pulled her close to his body.

″Erin, I'm sorry for being so insensitive,″ he mumbled into her hair.

″You weren't insensitive Jay. I look forward to change this room into Minnie's nursery but at the same time all the memories that come with this room are still so close. Thinking about her still hurts Jay,″ she whispered and silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

″I know,″ Jay answered quietly and wiped her tears away with his thumb.

″Lately I've been thinking about her a lot. What a great cop she would be by now, what a personality and how excited she would be for us. She would want to babysit all the time and I know she would be great with her. I miss her and I wish she was still here and not at a place where we can't be,″ she said as more tears fell from her eyes.

″I miss her, too. But you know what? After my accident, when the doctors told me how many, many guardian angels I must've had, I thought: no, I just had two. Two really special ones. My mom and my grandfather. And you and Minnie also had two really special ones who protected the both of you when you collapsed twice: Camille and Nadia. All the people we miss so badly in our lives because they're gone are now up in heaven to serve a bigger purpose. To protect the ones they loved and take care that nothing happens to them.″

Erin looked up to him as the tears started to run down her cheeks like a river. These words have definitely sent her over the edge. She buried her face on his chest and sobbed, didn't even try to hold all of her feelings and emotions back.

Jay gently rubbed her back to calm her down and after a couple of minutes the sobbs faded and she lifted her head to look at him with tear-stained eyes.

″I'm sorry for this,″ she mumbled and pointed to the wet blotch her tears have left on his shirt.

″No worries,″ he answered, giving her a faint smile. ″Do you feel better now?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded. ″It helped. Thank you for the things you said and for being there,″ she added and also tried to smile.

″Always Er, always,″ he said before Erin brought her lips closer to his face and gave him a soft, thankful kiss.

″I know,″she whispered afterwards. ″I guess our pizza is cold now.″

″It doesn't matter. Cold pizza is delicious, too,″ he winked.

″Yaah, it's not so bad,″ she said, smiling in the littlest way. ″I wanted to show you something anyway.″

She got out of his embrace and shuffled to the hall and came back carrying a bag from a baby store in her hand.

″I went shopping today,″ she smiled faintly and showed him the onesies, the shirts, the pants and the socks and some other baby stuff she has bought and his eyes widened when he saw the color of some of these things.

″Uhm Erin...tell me I'm colorblind but this is pink,″ he noticed all dry.

″So what?″ she smirked, feeling the happiness and jauntiness of the last few weeks making a comeback.

″Weren't you the one who told me how she doesn't get any pink clothes?″ he laughed.

″And weren't you the one who told me that some pink clothes won't do any harm and would rather look adorable?″ she grinned innocently.

″So I convinced you, huh?″

″Maybe. When I saw them today I could not not buy them, you know. A little pink in between gray and white and yellow and green and blue and orange and red is just perfect,″ she smiled and crashed his lips with a quite intense kiss. While Jay felt her lips on his, his smile grew even wider. Erin was nesting. And it was the most adorable thing in the world.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The weekend came and just as they had discussed they spent Saturday with cleaning his apartment and packing all his personal stuff he wanted to take with him in some boxes. And just as Erin had predicted Kim some weeks ago, they've also agreed that most of his furniture would not make it into their apartment, in fact all of it. But although Erin didn't like his apartment too much, she had to admit that there was especially this one memory they'd created in here she would never forget and would ever be thankful for. That one evening when they had played scrabble for the very first time, when their feelings had bursted out of them after flirting for months and have then exploded in a firework of hot, passionate kisses and soft, longing touches.

While Jay was emptying the living room and unscrewing the pictures from the walls, Erin was in the small storage room where his punching bag and some shelves with all kind of stuff were. Standing on her tiptoes, she tried to reach two smaller boxes that were placed on the highest board of the shelf. But as she wasn't the tallest one she could hardly reach it and instead of taking it in her hands safely it started bobbing when she tried to get it and then fell down right next to her.

″Damn it,″ Erin cursed and got down to her knees to eye the damage she has caused and to put all the things that were spread across the floor back into the box.

″Everything alright?″ Jay called instantly as he heard the dull sound, his voice filled with a little bit of panic and he jumped down from the ladder.

″Yeah,″ Erin answered while putting the things back in the box without paying special attention. But she stopped abruptly when she saw what kind of stuff she was holding in her hands. Photos of Diane Halstead, a copy of the obituary, sympathy cards, all in all any kind of stuff related to his mother.

″What happened?″ Jay asked when he stepped into the room, making her startle.

″Nothing, I was just too short to reach the boxes from the shelf without destroying them,″ she answered and looked at him. She knew he was seeing exactly which box had fallen to the groud and spread its content all over the floor.

″Let me do this,″ he said and knelt down next to her, taking the photo from her hand and putting it into the box. Erin looked at him, saw the pain in his face once again as he picked up all the things from the floor all concentrated.

″Jay,″ she whispered and held his hand before he could put the last photo of this beautifully smiling woman into the box. ″Why do you hide your mother in a box?″

″Why don't you have any photos of Camille in your apartment?″ he asked back, avoiding answering her question.

″I have the family photo of the four of us on the shelf next to the TV. It's surely not the best photo of us but it means something to me. And I know that these photos mean something to you, Jay,″ she said, giving him a meaningful glance and picked up one of the other photos from the box again.

″I...I thought it would hurt too much looking at her every day,″ Jay spluttered and his voice came in a whisper. ″And so I decided it's better to keep all the photos in a box.″

″On Wednesday you told me something about how she's your guardian angel Jay. And I think this beautiful guardian angel deserves a special spot in our apartment because she was and still is an important part of your life. Yes, it hurts to see the people we miss so dearly but it also helps to keep their memories alive and sometimes it does not only hurt when you look at old photos but they also make you smile as they remind you to the many times you laughed together,″ she said, smiling at him faintly and he only nodded in response, being unable to say anything.

″Some weeks ago I thought about creating a photo-wall in our apartment on the empty wall that leads from the hall to the living room, like the one in your cabin in Wisconsin. With pictures of us of course and where we can add some pictures with Minnie somewhen. But also with the pictures we took with your family in Wisconsin, maybe one of us with Noah, some with you and your brother and with Nadia and me and some with me and the Voights. And your beautiful mother also belongs to this wall, next to a photo of her sons and next to one of her grandkid.″

Jay inhaled deeply and Erin saw how he tried his best to keep himself together. He swiped his thumb over the face of his mother and knew Erin was right. His mother didn't deserve to be put in a box like she was forgotten. He would never forget her and she deserved a spot on their photo-wall next to all the other people they loved. He just needed to hear this somehow. These emphatic words about love and loss and memories. From her. The woman he was so grateful for that she was by his side. Always finding the words he needed to hear although her own past was a rollercoaster as well. But maybe this was the reason why they understood each other so well and why they were literally made for each other. Because they needed and completed each other in an extraordinary manner.

″Can we maybe also hang up a photo of my grandfather on that wall?″ he asked and again his voice came in a cracky whisper.

″Of course we can,″ Erin answered and softly tickled his neck with her fingers, trying to show him her support.

″Thank you...for all of this,″ he said and smiled faintly before kissing her lips softly.

″Always Jay.″

″I know,″ he nodded and started to put all of the photos out of the box again, showed them to Erin and even told her some little stories. Erin enjoyed to hear a little more about his mother and now she was also pretty sure to know what was in the second box that was still on the top of the shelf: all the stuff that reminded him of his grandfather.

″You never told me your mom had such a beautiful and unique second name,″ Erin said when she saw the obituary again, giving him a meaningful glance. She had to admit, she's already fallen in love with it when she'd seen it a couple of minutes ago and she couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe this was the name they've been waiting for. Maybe he liked her idea as much as she did. ″Where does it come from? I mean, it's not the American way of writing it.″

″It's Swedish and you pronounce it a little different than the American version. I think they also write it like this in some other parts of Europe though,″ he answered, eyeing the name on the card.

″Why did your mom have a Swedish name?″ Erin asked, being slightly curious.

″Her grandmother, I think her name was Alma, was born in Sweden but her family then immigrated to the US when she was ten or so.″

″You have ancestors in Sweden and never told me about it?″ Erin laughed and shook her head.

″No one of my family is living there anymore. Unfortunately. Would be a nice destination for a vacation I guess,″ he winked.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin chuckled. ″So that's where these blues come from, huh?″ she twinkled, looking directly into his deep blue eyes.

″Guess so,″ he laughed.

″What do you think about the name though?″

″I didn't think you would want to name her after my mom.″

″Well, I didn't know about your mom's second name until some minutes ago but I like it. It's different...and I like the idea of honoring both of our mothers by naming her after them,″ Erin said.

″We're not going to name her Bunny,″ Jay blurted and raised his eyebrows and Erin couldn't help but laugh by his reaction.

″Jay, some weeks ago you were the one who told me that I had the best mother ever and if I remember correct we didn't talk about Bunny back then,″ she smirked.

″Ouh,″ Jay laughed as the scales fell from his eyes. He put the name together in his head and it sounded beautiful, perfect, and in this moment he knew they've found the name for their daughter.

″It has a beautiful ring,″ he smiled and lay his hand on her stomach.

″It has,″ Erin grinned and kissed his lips before Jay leaned down and placed a kiss on her round belly and made Erin's heart melt with the things he was whispering to his daughter now.

″Daddy loves you so much already and he can't wait to finally meet you, Emilia Camille Halstead.″

* * *

 **So, baby Halstead has a name now and I hope you like it ! Hope you also liked the chapter. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)**


	34. Remember The Time

**Thank you all again for the reviews, follows and favs! This one is not as 'fluffy' as the last ones but a little heavier (mixed with fluff), so I hope you'll enjoy it!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **34\. Remember The Time**

Erin stood in Nadia's old room and felt like the walls were closing in around her although none of her stuff was here anymore other than the bed, the desk, the wardrobe and some shelfs. But these pieces were enough to bring so many memories back. Memories how she helped her to study for her exams so she could become a cop, memories of them sitting on her bed, chitchatting about boys or talking about serious stuff, of crying together and laughing together. Memories of how it was to be someone's role-model, to help someone to get their life under control, to love her like a little sister. And now she was about to close this chapter of this being Nadia's room permanently to open a new chapter and make this Emilia's room.

″Erin you don't have to do that,″ Jay said next to her with a low voice.

″No, no,″ she said and shook her head, ″it's okay.″

″It's not. There are so many boxes that need to be unpacked, how about you do that and let me disassemble all the furniture?″ he asked.

″But I wanna help you with Emmy's room, Jay. It's something we should do together.″ One day in and they already had a nickname for their daughter. Jay has started to call her Emmy last evening when they'd lain in bed and he was once again talking with their daughter and in the beginning Erin didn't like it that they were already shortening her name but just this morning she has called her Emmy for the first time, too.

″You can help me with painting the walls as soon as it's all empty and I'm sure I'll definitely need your help when it comes to setting up the crib and the changing table and all the other furniture,″ he said softly.

″Are you sure?″

″Of course, just try to handle this chaos of boxes,″ he answered with a little laughter.

″I will. But don't blame me when you don't find your stuff then,″ she smirked.

″I'd say you give me a tour through the apartment this evening and tell me where everything is,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, you wish,″ she answered and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″But I will start with putting your clothes in the wardrobe and the dresser, that shouldn't be a big deal.″

″Who knows...″ he chuckled all innocent and earned a second punch that was a little harder this time.

″Be nice,″ she warned jokingly, slapped him across the backside and left him alone to somehow start managing the chaos of boxes his move to her apartment has caused.

By the afternoon all the furniture of what once was Nadia's room was fragmented into piece parts and Mouse checked by to pick all of it up as he knew a friend back from the days when he didn't work for the Intelligence Unit who could really use it and was thankful for anything he would get.

At that time, Erin had finished putting all of his clothes into the dresser and the wardrobe and as she was unmotivated to unpack any more boxes she dedicated herself to another important project, the photo-wall. Yesterday evening, when they had been at the DIY superstore, after moving all of his stuff from his place to hers, to buy wall colors for the nursery and all the other stuff they needed to renew the room she had also bought various frames. So now she had to chose the pictures they wanted to have on that wall and match them with the compatible frames.

When Jay walked into the living room after helping Mouse to bring all the stuff down to his car with the trailer, the chaos there has even increased. In addition to all the boxes there were now also lots of photos spread across the dining table, the couch and the coffee table. On any other occasion he would've teased her for causing such a chaos instantly but he's found something in Nadia's old room that didn't make him feel like joking. Until some minutes ago he hasn't even been sure whether to show it to Erin or not because he wanted to protect her from the pain it would cause but she deserved to get it. Nadia had obvioulsy wanted her to get it but for whatever reason it has fallen behind the dresser and she could never give it Erin herself.

″Erin I need to show you something,″ he said and Erin immediately looked up by the sound of his voice.

″What's up?″ she frowned.

″I found this behind the dresser,″ he said and handed her an envelope with her name written on front of it. It didn't even take her a second to recognize the handwriting and she felt her heart getting heavy, a lump building up in her throat immediately.

″Did you...did you read it?″ she asked him and her voice was faint as she stared at the envelope.

″No, it's for you, not for me, so it's not my right to read it.″

″Mhm,″ she nodded and seemed to be undecided whether she wanted to read it or not, kept staring at it with empty eyes.

″You wanna read it?″ Jay asked, placing his hand on her shoulder supportingly.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″I'm scared her words will hurt somehow.″

″Er, Nadia loved you like a sister. What could she've written that would hurt you? It's the memories which hurt and they always will but I'm sure the words she chose won't.″

″Will you read it with me?″ she almost whispered.

″You sure?″

″Mhm,″ she only nodded once again. ″I don't wanna do this alone.″

″Okay, come on,″ he said, reached for her hand and guided her to the bedroom where they sat down on the edge of their bed.

She opened the envelope with trembling fingers and then handed it to Jay before she pulled the letter out.

″Would you mind reading it to me?″

″Not at all,″ he answered softly and unfolded the letter.

″She wrote it some days before her death,″ Jay said quietly before he started to read her Nadia's letter and Erin felt the tears already burning in her eyes but she inhaled a deep breath to keep herself together so she was able to listen to him attentively.

″Dear Erin. I don't even know why I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you all these things in person but I guess sometimes it's easier to write things down because I'm not sure whether I'd be able to tell you all of this without the both of us starting to cry after not even telling you half of what I want you to tell.

Do you remember the time when we met for the first time and you told me you would take care of me and help me? I didn't believe you in the beginning because lots of people said that before and it were just pies in the sky. And I didn't trust people, especially not cops of course. I didn't think that someone like you, a successful, good-looking cop, would simply help someone like me, the addicted whore from the suburbs. But damn was I wrong. Thank God I realized soon enough that you were different, that your promise wasn't a pie in the sky, but that you really meant it when you said you would help me and that I can really trust you, rely on you.

You saved me when I was so close to the edge of throwing my life away forever. You were the first person who kept their promise and didn't let me fall down again like I was not worth it. And I want to thank you for all of this, Erin. Thank you for believing in me like no one else ever has. Thank you for showing me what I want in life, for showing me the values of life. You teached me to never give up on my dreams and showed me that there's always something worth fighting for. Thank you for giving me a home, a job, a family, a life. Thank you for being you. You are truly incredible. The most caring and loving and encouraging and badass person I know. You are my role-model and if I will ever be only a little bit like you I would be so damn proud of myself and I hope you would be proud of me, too.″ Jay made a short pause and inhaled a deep breath, looked to Erin and saw silent tears running down her face.

″Just a couple of minutes ago I got the results of my exams and I passed them all. That's the reason why I'm writing you this letter of gratitude because without you I would never have achieved this. By the time I will give you this letter you will for sure already know this because you will be the first person I'm going to tell and I can't wait to see your face. And now I'm only waiting for my letter from the academy so I can become a badass cop that kicks ass every day, just like you. And maybe one day I can become someone's role-model, too, can save someone and show them that there's always a way out, that a better future is possible. Thank you again Erin, for changing my life from the worst into the best!

Love, Nadia.

PS: As my life is perfect right now we only have to find a way to make your life perfect by getting you and Jay back together again. Wherefrom I know about yours and Jay's secret relationship? Well, I guess someone told me how someone who wants to be a great cop one day has to be attentive all the time, on the job and in private. So honestly, it's never been really difficult to see the sparks between the two of you and not spending the night in your apartment and then appearing there or at work in the morning out of nowhere or sending me away for the evening and night by buying me and a friend tickets for the Bulls or whatever else was maybe a little bit too obvious, wouldn't you agree?″

After reading the last words of this letter Jay pulled Erin into his embrace, placed soft kisses on her hair and tickled her neck while he once again let her cry the pain away. These were for sure the most beautiful things Nadia could've ever told her and even for him it has been difficult to keep himself together while reading these words of pure gratitude as he's gotten another glimpse of what Erin had really meant for Nadia and vice versa.

From time to time some silent sobs escaped from Erin's mouth but other than that they sat there in complete silence. Jay didn't have to say anything, all he needed to do was being there for her, showing her that she wasn't alone, that he would hold her as long as she needed him to hold her and that he would always be the shoulder she could cry on. He could vaguely imagine what was going on inside of her at the moment, how she maybe once again was blaming herself for saving her and changing her life but couldn't save her from the evil in the end anyway when Nadia's beautifully chosen words actually should also make her feel proud as they described Erin's exceptional character perfectly.

″I can't believe she knew about us,″ Erin said into the silence somewhen and a little chuckle, a real one, not a faked one, came from her lips.

″As she said it was not that hard to find out. We were careful at work as we had to keep it professional and as we knew we'd be in big trouble if Hank finds out but whenever we were off the clock we maybe shitted on the professionalism a little too much,″ he winked softly, wiping her remaining tears away with his thumb.

″I don't regret anything of it. It was a good time,″ she smiled faintly.

″It was,″ he mumbled into her hair. ″How do you feel about this letter, Er?″ he then asked. He found it was important that she talked about her feelings and emotions and didn't try to bury them inside of her again like she used to do in the past. She's made so much progress regarding this and he didn't want her to make some steps back and build up walls again.

Erin didn't answer immediately but she inhaled a deep breath and only shrugged her shoulders at first.

″It hurts,″ she said and her voice came in a whisper. ″You were right, in some way: it's not her words that hurt but yet they do anyway. Knowing that she wrote such beautiful things for me out of her happiness hurts. Feeling like she relied on me so much and trusted me so much and then I'd let her down by not protecting her enough and not finding her fast enough hurts. Thinking about what she must've been through hurts. All the memories hurt. It hurts that such a happy, beautiful girl who had her whole life ahead of her and was excited about her future was murdered in the most burtal way by an evil psycho. It hurts to think about all the what-if's and about how everything would be if she was still with us. Even after more than one-and-a-half years it hurts knowing that she will never come back, that she will never be allowed to live the life she deserved. It hurts Jay, it just fucking hurts.″ Tears started to run down her face again and Jay tightened his embrace, pulled her even closer to his body. There was nothing in this world he hated more than seeing her like this, so completely broken, and he was sure he hasn't seen her that devastated in a long time which made his heart ache for her even more.

″I would give everything I can to bring her back to you, Er,″ he said and placed a kiss on her temple.

″I know,″ she sobbed. ″Sometimes I wish I could turn back time.″

″We all do, Er, we all do,″ he nodded approvingly and kept on holding her for a little while longer.

They didn't start to paint the nursery on that Sunday anymore. Apart from that neither Jay nor Erin were in the mood for painting Jay didn't think it was the right thing to do now. Erin needed a little time to process all of this and come to terms with it and first of all she needed some distraction, needed to get out of their apartment to clear her mind. So Jay suggested to stroll through the city a little as the fresh air would do her good and Erin agreed without further discussions. After a quick stop in front of the 21st as Erin wanted to enlighten a candle in front of Nadia's stone for saying thank you for the letter and then parking the car in a parking lot close to downtown they spent the late afternoon and early evening with strolling through the park and then walked along Lake Michigan to Navy Pier as the first snowflakes of this winter fell from the sky.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The weekend was followed by a busy week and a lot more snow and some brutal crimes. Besides working hard and visiting the prenatal classes on Monday and Wednesday Erin really wanted the nursery to get finished by now, as Christmas and their little babymoon were coming closer and she still felt like they had a million things to do. So they'd decided to paint the room on Thursday evening after work. Erin had even already covered the whole floor in the nursery with a foil before Jay returned from work so there wouldn't be any damage to the dark wooden floor in case little accidents happened. Now that it was all empty it was a lot easier to be inside here and she couldn't wait for it to look completely different.

″You know, I thought you went home for resting, not for keep on working like a crazy,″ Jay said when he stepped into the room that was perfectly prepared, even the ledges were already masked with tape, so they were protected from any possible paint-splatters. The only thing Jay still had to do was masking the edges on the ceiling and he was more than glad that Erin was responsible enough to not climb on a ladder and trying to do it herself while being 33 weeks pregnant.

″I had to, otherwise we'll never get this done,″ she shrugged.

″I could've done that,″ he disagreed.

″As long as I'm able to get up from the floor myself I can do things like this,″ she chuckled.

″Hmm,″ he smirked, scanning her from head to toes, how she stood there with her messy ponytail and her round stomach, looking as gorgeous as always. She was wearing a pair of leggings, some comfy socks and a white t-shirt that he assumed was from the earlier stages of her pregnancy as it was a little tight at her breasts and around her stomach but still long enough to cover everything perfectly. Most likely she only wore it because she knew she had to toss it in the garbage can afterwards anyway.

″Stop staring,″ she laughed.

″I wasn't...,″ he started but stopped by the eyebrow-raise he got from her instantly. ″Well whatever. I brought you some take-out, so you can eat while I mask the rest of the edges and then we can get this party started,″ he winked.

″Perfect,″ she smiled and kissed his cheek before waddling to the kitchen.

Half an hour later they could finally start with painting the walls and the ceiling, of course with colors without any toxics that wouldn't harm the baby now or when she was here. While they would only renew the white color of the ceiling, they've decided for a really light gray for the walls that matched perfectly with the dark wooden floor and the white furniture they've picked and the big wall picture they wanted to paint. Erin started to paint the lower parts of the walls until as far up as she would reach them without a ladder while Jay started with the wall adverse her.

″Jay!″ she blurted when she turned around to see the progress he was making and saw that the only thing he did was writing 'Emilia' all over the wall but she also couldn't stop smiling because it was the cutest thing to watch him writing down his daughter's name, her nickname and her full name eagerly.

″Just had to check whether I still like it,″ he smirked.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″And, do you?″

″It's the most perfect name ever,″ he smiled. ″It will be quite hard to find similar perfect names for our other five kids,″ he winked at her teasingly.

″Must be nice there on your little planet, huh?″

″Oh yeah, it's beautiful, you wanna join me?″ he laughed.

″Naah,″ she chuckled and shook her head. ″But instead of talking about number two and couting you could start painting this wall for real, otherwise the room for number one will never get finished, how about that?″

″Maybe,″ he grinned and dunked the paint roller into the paint bucket. But as soon as Erin was occupied with her wall again, he dunked his hand into the fair gray paint, creeped up on her from behind and pressed his hand on her stomach, leaving a perfect hand print on her shirt.

″You didn't just...″ she said as she turned around to him, his face beaming with a winning smile.

″There were paint-splatters on it already anyway,″ he laughed, looking at the result of his little attack proudly.

″You are going to pay for that babe,″ she winked, shook her head while glancing at her childish boyfriend. But how could she possibly be mad at him when he looked like the happiest man on earth?

″I don't think so,″ he smirked.

″Attacking your own back-up is not the smartest idea you've ever had,″ she grinned. ″And now get this paint on the wall and not on my shirt.″

With these words she turned around again and kept on painting. She waited for ten minutes, let Jay believe he was safe, before she started her payback. She dunked both of her hands into the paint bucket, tiptoed to him and when he saw her it was already to late as one of her hands was on his back and with the other one she grabbed him in the crotch.

″I'd say that's at least a tie now. Maybe more of a win for me,″ she said all casual.

″Oh no, this is not your win yet Erin Lindsay,″ he joked and pulled her to his body to kiss her.

″Of course it is,″ she said after he had pressed his lips against hers.

″Uhm...no,″ he smirked mischievously and brought his hand up to her face just to leave a gray spot on the tip of her nose.

″You want war? You'll get war,″ Erin laughed treacly and kissed him again only to leave another handprint on his face before the two of them started a fight with paint rollers and paintbrushes in best lightsaber-style that ended with both of them lying on the floor, bursting with laughter. They needed a moment to recover from that and when they finally agreed on peace so that they would maybe still get this done this evening their stomachs still hurt from laughing so hard.

Of course painting it all properly took time and at some point Jay sent Erin to take a shower and then go to bed and told her that he would finish it alone. She didn't even protest because she was so tired and her back ached so much, she just wanted to lie down and sleep. When she was finished with showering, Jay joined her in the bedroom to give her a well-deserved massage. He took some massage oil and slathered it onto her lower back with soft pressure, exercising the massage techniques they've learned in the prenatal classes. When he was finished she turned to her back and pulled her shirt up and her panties down a bit so Jay could lotion her stomach with cocoa butter that should help against, or in her case prevent, stretch marks. She didn't have any yet as baby Halstead still was a small one and she hoped it would stay like this. They both enjoyed this new form of intimacy and it has become their new evening routine. Sometimes, when their daughter was not training her soccer skills inside of Erin's belly, she even fell asleep while enjoying his soft touches and so she did today. Jay grinned when he saw her sleeping peacefully, being quite relieved that she was able to sleep and would not lie awake for two hours to wait for Emilia to settle. He pulled her shirt down, covered her with the blanket and kissed her forehead gently before he headed back to the nursery to finish his job.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Uhm...wow,″ Erin spluttered when she walked into the nursery on the following morning, her eyes literally popping out of her head as she was stunned by what she was seeing. Everything was finished and Jay had even already painted the wall picture on the wall where they wanted to put the crib in front of it. It consisted of a tree with white leafs and some rare light orange and light yellow butterflies, so it would look like their girl was sleeping in the shade of it, followed by the name ″Emilia″ written on the wall, fitting with the theme perfectly as the cursive had the same dark brown color of the tree trunk and was also surrounded by some leafs and butterflies in the same colors but still not as many as that it would look overloaded. It rather looked perfect and even better than Erin had imagined.

″You like it?″ Jay asked smirkingly. He could already tell from her reaction that she did but he wanted to hear it anyway.

″I love it Jay. This is absolutely incredible and stunningly beautiful,″ she whispered and turned to him to press a thankful kiss on his lips. ″How much sleep did you get last night?″ she asked afterwards. Given the fact that he's done this all alone and looked completely tired she assumed it wasn't that much.

″Two hours, maybe less,″ he shrugged.

″We could've done this together,″ she said, softly stroking his cheek.

″To see your surprised face it was all worth it,″ he winked and kissed her again. ″And liters of coffee and a cold shower will do the job, no worries.″

″You're crazy, ″ she smiled. ″Thank you for this, I can't wait to finish everything and see her lying in her crib soon.″

″Seven weeks,″ Jay grinned and rubbed her stomach.

″Seven weeks,″ Erin echoed, being anticipated and nervous at the same time about the huge life-change that came closer every day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

On the following weekend they built all the furniture up together and by Saturday evening the nursery was more or less finished. So on Sunday they went to a big baby store and spent literally the whole day in there, buying all the things they still needed. Nursery beddings that matched to the rest of the room, a crib bumper, an activity gym with hanging toys in form of birds and owls and squirrels, another baby mat in form of a lamb, a nursing pillow, a matching mobile for the crib, decorative pillows, some more stuffed animals they couldn't resist to buy, cozy blankets, diapers, pacifiers, bottles, towels, more newborn clothes for the cold Chicago winter, a baby monitor, a cozy rug, a bassinet so she could sleep in the bedroom with them during the night in the beginning, a car seat and a stroller. Jay was sure he has never spent more time in only one shop before and after paying their giant purchase he was also sure he's never spent more money in only one shop either. At least they had everything they needed now and in addition, strolling through the store all day distracted him from something else he knew he had to deal with sooner or later.

They returned to the apartment in the late afternoon and started to put the clothes that were already laundered into the drawers of the dresser, placed the rug in the middle of the room, put the pillows on the rocking chair in the corner of the room and placed the activity gym right next to it. They put all the diapers, towels, pacifiers and bottels into the drawers of the changing table and made the crib ready for its imminent resident by putting the nursery bedding in it, installing the mobile and placing some of the stuffies in it for now. The other stuffies found their places on the shelf and the changing table or on the baby mat on the floor.

″I think we did an amazing job,″ Jay said all proud when everything was done, wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulders and kissed her temple.

″Yeah I think we did pretty good,″ Erin smiled and gazed around. It was in fact more than just pretty good, it was perfect all the way along.

″A little kingdom for our little princess,″ Jay grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″The photo-wall is also finished what means we only need to unpack all of your remaining boxes now and then we'll be done.″

″Don't tell me you want to do this now,″ he grimaced.

″Definitely not,″ Erin chuckled. ″The most important room of the apartment is finished and all the other things can wait.″

″Great,″ he laughed. ″So how about a movie night on the couch with pizza and popcorn?″

″Sounds perfect to me,″ Erin agreed smirkingly and gave him a short kiss before his ringing phone interrupted them. He pulled it out of the pocket of his sweatpants but when he saw the number he rejected the call immediately, his face becoming hard and cold. Just like the last ten times this has happened since Friday evening. Erin hasn't missed these calls and also how his facial expressions comletely changed within seconds but yet she hasn't confronted him with it. She watched how he put his phone back into the pocket and gazed up to him before she decided to ask him what this was about.

″Why did you reject the call?″ she asked softly.

″It was nothing important,″ Jay shrugged. ″Come on, lets go to the living room,″ he added and already walked away from her. It was more than clear that he didn't want to talk about it and Erin sensed to know why.

″Maybe it's important for the someone who tries to reach you otherwise they wouldn't call ten times, don't you think?″ she asked and Jay immediately froze in his movement. Maybe it came more provoking than Erin had wanted. He turned around to her, his facial expression being harsh and kinda shocked. Whether it was because of her words or because he hasn't thought that she'd recognized the other calls, she didn't know.

″You're counting?″ he asked and his voice came cold. ″Is it fun to surveil me?″

″Are you crazy?″ Erin frowned and tried to keep her voice under control. ″I'm not counting and I'm not surveilling you. I just recognized how you rejected that number quite some times yesterday and earlier in the store as well. Sorry for being attentive, won't happen again,″ she snorted contemptuously.

″Erin I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like this,″ he said immediately. His voice was soft again, like she used to know it and he came some steps back to her.

″You usually don't freak out that easy...what's going on Jay?″ she asked him, locking eyes with him. He was still irritated, she could see it.

″Honestly, it's nothing Erin,″ he shrugged but he failed in convincing her.

″Nothing is your father right?″

He didn't even have to answer anything, she could already tell from his face that she was right.

″How do you know?″ he asked, being a little surprised that she knew. But on the other hand it wasn't that surprising at all.

″You never act like this Jay. So it can only be him,″ she said and gave him a faint, encouraging smile. ″Do you know what he wants?″

″I answered the first time he called because I didn't know the number and hung up as soon as I knew who it was. So no, I don't know what he wants and honestly, I don't care.″

″Ever thought that he maybe wants to say sorry?″ she asked quietly.

″Maybe I don't wanna hear it Erin,″ he said and turned around, trying to leave the room for a second time this evening.

″It's six years, isn't it?″ she asked and he stopped again, turned around to her and looked at her with a gaze she failed in interpreting.

″I was better off without him my whole life and even if it were twenty years I wouldn't wanna see him, so just leave it now, okay?″ he snapped and his voice was rising which was so unusual for him that Erin slightly shivered.

″Jay,″ she started and her voice came soft, understanding.

″No,″ he interrupted her and shook his head. ″Leave it Erin!″

″Fine!″ she called and now her voice also got a little out of control as well as the things she was saying. ″I really hope you will never do anything stupid in your life that makes your daughter hate you forever.″

″Anything stupid?!″ he yelled and his eyes widened in disbelief. ″I told you the whole damn story, so you out of all people should understand that our history is not just based on anything stupid!″

″Eddie abused Bunny and I witnessed it all and still, when I thought he's going to die I went there because I wanted to give him the chance to say sorry!″

″And we both know how that ended, don't we?″ he asked and a sardonic laughter escaped from his lips.

″Yes we do, Jay. But no matter what people do, they deserve a second chance,″ she said emphatic and tried to get her voice back to normal. ″Who knows where I would be today if Hank hadn't given me a second chance by giving me my badge back! Where would we be if you hadn't given me a second chance, Jay? Huh? Tell me! Because I can tell you for sure that we wouldn't stand in our daughter's nursery right now!″

″This is something completely different and you know that!″

″Is it?″ she asked him faintly.

″Yes Erin it is. Because I loved you and I never stopped loving you even when you decided to sever all ties with me. And Hank loves you like a daughter, so it was not too hard for him to give you a second chance. But there is absolutely no love left for my father and this Erin, is the damn difference!″ he said and he was back to almost yelling. ″Why do you even care so much about him after everything I told you about him?″

″Why I care?″ she echoed snappishly. ″I'll tell you why I care, Jay. I want our daughter to grow up in that kind of family that I never had. It's already sad enough that she won't have any loving grandmothers. She has Hank as her grandfather and I'm more than grateful for that but she has another grandfather who is still alive, so shouldn't we give her any chance to have the grandparents in her life she still has?″

″There is absolutely no friggin' way that this man will be our daughter's grandfather let alone that he will take any other role in her life! He's an ass who ruined my life!″

″Did he Jay? Because I can vaguely remember how you told me in Wisconsin that you actually should be thankful because everything you had to go through because of him led you to me,″ she said quietly.

″I said everything in life happens for a reason, Erin, because I would surely never thank him for anything,″ he laughed sarcastically and shook his head, couldn't believe what they were doing here. Fighting about a man who was dead to him.

″That's funny because I have every reason to thank him. You remember how you said thanks to Bunny you have me?″ she asked rhetorically. ″Well, thanks to him I have you. And even if you and Will are the only good things he ever did in his life he deserves to get a second chance.″

″I can't believe this and I can't do this right now,″ he snorted and shook his head again. With these words he turned around, went to the hall, put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

″What are you doing?″ Erin asked, watching him anxiously.

″I need some fresh air before I say something I regret later!″ he said and left the apartment by slamming the door without looking at her again.

″Fine, then run away! We both know that's easier, right?″ she fired at him as she opened the door again but she only saw him disappearing around the corner. Now she was the one who slammed the door and kicked her fist onto it angrily. They were living together for not even a week now and this has certainly been one of the biggest fight they had ever since they've become a couple. She swallowed the lump in her throat, inhaled some deeps breaths, took her phone to order pizza and then sat down on the couch and turned the TV on without paying special attention to the things that were flickering on the screen...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Half an hour later the delivery guy brought her pizza. And Jay's. She had ordered two in case he was still hungry when he came home. Another 30 minutes later she heard the key in the doorlock and Jay stepped into the apartment. He took his shoes off and hung his jacket on the wardrobe before he joined her in the living room, carrying two pizzas in his hands. He smiled faintly when he saw his favorite pizza on the coffee table and handed her the pizza carton without saying a word. She opened it and also gave him a faint smile. It was her favorite one. Of course. Jay sat down next to her as she placed the pizza on the table in front of her. Thanks to this little pizza-chaos now the atmosphere between them wasn't as tense as both of them had expected it to be.

″Erin I'm sorry for yelling at you,″ Jay said quietly and his voice was cracky.

″It's okay,″ she answered immediately and before she was able to continue he interrupted her.

″No it's not,″ he said and shook his head vehement. ″No matter how hard we fight, I should never ever yell at you.″

″But you had every right to because this whole fight was my fault in first place,″ she mumbled. ″I'm sorry Jay, I had no right to push you into anything and you have your reasons why you don't want to have your father in your life and I do accept them. I think I've exaggerated with all my nesting and family vibes lately and just thought it would be nice if she had as many people as possible in her life who love her. That she can get all the love I never got,″ she said quietly.

″She will be the most loved little girl on this planet, Erin,″ Jay said and laid his hand on top of hers, squeezed it gently. ″She will get so much love from you and me and from uncle Will and and grandpa Hank and all the other dorks from the bullpen. She will grow up knowing she is loved by so many, I promise. But there is no way I will let him get back into my life and forgive him.″

″Jay, I never expected you to forgive him, just listening to what he wants to tell you. But it's okay, I understand why you don't want it, I really do. And Hank will do the job for two grandfathers, I'm sure,″ she smiled faintly.

″Also for two grandmothers?″ he asked and also smiled a little.

″Yeah, maybe even that,″ Erin chuckled. ″And although we don't see Michael and Susan that often and they're just your uncle and your aunt they will also somehow be her grandparents, won't they?″

″They will,″ Jay nodded. ″I love you, Erin. Never forget that.″

″How could I?″ she asked and placed the softest of kisses on his lips. ″I love you, too.″

″You want some more pizza?″ he asked her and grabbed for one piece while eyeing the three full cartons.

″Naah, I can't eat anything anymore.″

″Come on, we'll eat pizza for the rest of the week,″ he laughed.

″I'm sorry but your daughter takes all the space from what once was my stomach,″ she winked.

″Guess the boys in the bullpen will be happy when they get one-day-old pizza tomorrow.″

″They are like zoo animals. They are happy as long as you give them anything to eat,″ Erin answered all dry and Jay nodded smirkingly in response.

They spent the rest of the evening with watching a movie and Jay was more than glad that they had worked things out this quick as it was another prove of how strong their relationship was and how much they loved each other. This had been quite a test for them as a couple but they both regretted the things that had happened while especially Jay's mind kept on revolving about the happenings of the day and whether Erin's words have influenced him even more than he wanted to admit. Little did he know right now that the topic with his father was far from being over yet.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay walked into the ED of Chicago Med on Tuesday evening after he's gotten a message from his brother a couple of hours prior that he wanted to talk with him about something important. And as they didn't have a case for the first day in weeks today, he's been able to leave work early and therefore visit his brother at his workplace.

″Hey bro, you wanted to talk with me?″ he greeted his brother who was working on the computer.

″Good to see ya,″ Will grinned and hugged him shortly.

″So, what's up?″

″Uhm, not here, lets go somewhere else,″ Will suggested and Jay slightly frowned but then nodded in response. They took the elevator to the last floor and stepped out on the patio where the doctors always made short breaks. But right now no one else was here other than them.

″Alright, what did you do that requires a conversation with your little brother up here?″ Jay asked teasingly but given the fact that Will wanted to talk with him about something important and now wanted to make this conversation in private he actually should've known what this was about.

″I talked with dad yesterday,″ Will started to tell his brother and the smile immediately fell from his face and it became hard again.

″Oh great, so this is about him? Then goodbye,″ Jay answered and walked back to the elevator. There was no way he wanted to have another discussion about this man, especially not with his brother who has always had a soft heart for him.

″Jay don't be like that,″ Will called.

″Be like what Will, huh?″ he asked furiously as he turned around to his brother again.

″We both know you're not that kind of person.″

″When it comes to him I'm exactly this kind of person and that's what we both know, isn't it?″ he said with a sarcastic undertone in his voice and kept on walking away.

″He changed, Jay!″

″Good for him,″ Jay just waved aside lackadaisical and Will came running after him, held him back on his shoulder.

″Give him at least the chance to talk to you,″ he begged.

″Why should I give him a damn chance, Will? Why? Remember the time when nothing I did was good enough for him? When everything I did was wrong? When I was the wrong son? A shame for the family? Remember the time when I came back from war and mom was dying and he was gone, leaving her to her fate?″ Jay asked his brother and his voice was rising to a dangerous level. ″Oh wait, you can't remember because you weren't there either, right?″

″Well wow, I really thought we were over that,″ Will answered stunned and shook his head.

″We are Will. But don't you ever push me into this again. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with him and if you still care about him, then do it, I accept that. But for me he died more than six years ago and that's something you have to accept,″ Jay said and his voice was slowly coming back to normal.

″Alright,″ Will finally sighed but Jay could see that nothing was alright. ″I'm sorry, I should've known it better.″

″I'm sorry, too,″ Jay said and gave his brother a pat on the back. He loved his brother, he was one of the most important persons in his life and the last thing he wanted was a family feud with him because of their father. This man has destroyed enough already.

″Uhm Jay,″ Will stumbled after the doors of the elevator have closed. ″I might made a mistake,″ he said and didn't dare to look his brother in the eyes.

″What mistake?″ Jay frowned.

″I might gave him your address,″ he admitted with a low voice.

″You did what?!″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was unpacking some more of Jay's boxes when the door bell rang. She checked her clock and tried to figure out who could visit them at around 7 in the evening without telling them before. They haven't ordered any food as they wanted to cook together as soon as Jay would return from meeting his brother, so for once it couldn't be the delivery guy.

Erin placed the three books she originally wanted to put in the rack, on the coffee table and shuffled to the door, as always wearing leggins, some comfy socks and one of Jay's big, gray hoodies, her hair tied to a messy ponytail. She opened the door and saw an elderly man, aged around 65 she guessed, standing in front of it. Or better: leaning against the wall. He didn't seem to be in such a good condition, was breathing heavily and she saw cold sweat shimmering on his forehead in the dimmed light of the hall.

″Excuse me Sir, can I help you?″ Erin asked.

″I hope so,″ the man smiled faintly and Erin felt how he scanned her with his tired eyes. ″Is Jay Halstead living here?″

″Uhm...yeah...he is. But he's not home. Excuse me again, but what is this about?″ Erin frowned.

″Oh sorry, how rude of me. My name is Robert Halstead, I'm Jay's father,″ he introduced himself, still breathing heavily. Erin needed a moment to process this information and find her words again. This fragile-looking, gray-haired man with the brown eyes and the glasses and the outmoded jacket was the man who'd made Jay's teens a living hell. She knew Jay didn't want to meet him and she wasn't even sure whether she wanted to get to know him more. They had agreed that this man was not going to be a part of their life and she would for sure not stab Jay in the back by being extraordinary friendly to him.

″Uhm, nice to meet you Mr. Halstead,″ Erin said politely but she abstained from introducing herself.

″May I...″ he started but had to take a deep breath to continue. Erin had the feeling he was about to collaps any second. ″May I maybe come inside and wait for him?″

″I don't think this is a good idea, I'm sorr-,″ she said but stopped abruptly when he slowly slid down the wall he still leaned against. ″Mr. Halstead!″ she yelled instead, her panicked voice resounding in the staircase...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading :) Please leave a review and tell me what you think!**


	35. Broken Strings And Bonds Of Love

**Thanks again for your feedback! I promise the wait for baby Halstead will be over soon, the chapter of her birth is already finished! :) But before, some little (big) things will happen, so have fun with this one! :)**

* * *

 **35\. Broken Strings And Bonds Of Love**

″Mr. Halstead,″ Erin called and knelt down right next to him. ″Mr. Halstead can you hear me?″

″Yeah, yeah, I'm good,″ he nodded slowly and his voice came faint.

″You don't look too good to be honest. Maybe I should better call an ambulance,″ she said and pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie.

″No, no, you don't have to, I'm fine, honestly,″ he assured her and touched her arm to keep her from dialing 911.

″If you say so,″ Erin answered, furrowing a brow while looking at him. She didn't need to be a doctor to see that he was anything but fine. ″How about a glass of water though?″

″Yeah, that would help, thank you,″ he smiled faintly.

Erin nodded in response and scanned him again. Now that she knew he was Will's and Jay's father she could see quite some similarities with the facial features of the older of the two brothers but definitely none with Jay.

″Do you think you can get up?″

″I think that should work,″ Mr. Halstead said and so Erin helped him to get up and guided him into the apartment and let him sit down on the chair on the dining table, bringing him a glass with water immediately.

″Thank you, I really appreciate it,″ he said and took some gulps and some color came back to his face instantly.

″No worries,″ Erin nodded. She still tried to figure out how this man could be such a monster. Of course she didn't doubt Jay's story, not for one single second, but this man looked so broken that she assumed a lot must've happened ever since Jay has banned him from his life.

″May I ask you what your name is?″ he asked and his question came a little shy.

″Oh yeah, sure, I'm sorry. I'm Erin. Erin Lindsay,″ she said and took his hand to shake it.

″Nice to meet you,″ he smiled. Erin couldn't answer anything. She didn't know how to feel about this, whether it was nice to meet him or not. And before she would lie to him she decided it was better to say nothing at all. Due to this, an awkward silence occured. That kind of silence between two people who both didn't know what to say.

″Do you feel better?″ she asked him to break the silence.

″I do, thank you again,″ he nodded, still smiling faintly. ″So do you and Jay live here together?″

″We do,″ Erin confirmed.

″It's a nice apartment, I like it,″ Mr. Halstead said while he was gazing around and Erin wondered whether he was just bootlicking or whether he really meant it. And at the same time she wondered whether he still felt as sick or was just playing out time until Jay would eventually get here.

″We like it, too,″ she shrugged, not knowing what else to say. ″How did you know Jay's living here?″ she then asked him, being a little curious about this as they've only been officially living in her apartment together for a little over a week now. His name wasn't even on the door bell yet and just yesterday they had managed to go to the Citizens Registration Office to change his adress so his mail would get delivered here from now on.

″Will gave it to me,″ he answered and sounded a little embarrassed. ″How much longer do you have?″ he then asked, not giving her the chance to say anything about it and for the first time he looked directly at her round stomach. She has literally already been waiting for this question.

″A little more than six weeks,″ she said, placing her hand on her belly automatically and smiling lovingly as she gazed down to it.

″Well, wow...congratulations,″ he smiled and Erin was sure it was a real one, not a faked one. ″I really don't want to be nosy but do you mind telling me whether it's a boy or a girl? Just in case you know of course.″

″It's a girl,″ she smiled. At this point everyone knew that they were having a girl so she saw now reason to keep this a secret from him.

″Yeah, that suits him,″ the old man smirked.

″What is that supposed to mean?″ Erin asked and raised her eyebrows, knowing pretty well that Jay was the first Halstead in generations to break the family tradition by having a daughter.

″Oh I didn't mean it derogative,″ he assured her immediately. ″It's just...Jay's always been different than all the other Halstead men, so it suits him perfectly that he's having a daughter now. And with that being said I really mean it suits him,″ he said emphatically.

″It does indeed,″ Erin agreed. She couldn't say that she disliked the old man but yet she didn't want to disclose any more details about their life, didn't want to answer any more questions about herself and Jay. He knew enough for now and for sure already more than Jay would want him to know.

″Mr. Halstead, I don't wanna sound rude but...,″ she said and bit her lower lip with her teeth, feeling a little uncomfortable with saying this. ″I know Jay's and your story, all of it, I know that he doesn't want to have any contact with you so I feel a little uncomfortable with this right now because it feels like I'm betraying him. I helped you because you needed my help and I would never deny someone help who needs it but I have to admit, otherwise I wouldn't have let you inside and as you obviously feel better I must politely ask you to go now.″

″Oh...uhm...yeah...sure,″ he spluttered and got up from his chair.

″Alright, I will bring you to the door,″ Erin said.

″Don't mind him, I will,″ Jay said and stepped in the room out of nowhere. When he had unlocked the door a couple of seconds ago he first couldn't believe his ears as he's recognized this voice instantly and he then had stayed in the doorway only to hear how Erin basically told his father to leave their apartment.

Erin looked at him and tried to figure out what he was thinking. She had expected to get that kind of glare that could easily put her six feet under but he didn't look mad, at least not at her, what made her assume that he's maybe heard the last part of hers and Robert Halstead's conversation.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded.

″Jay,″ his father started but Jay interrupted him instantly.

″Not here,″ he said and guided him to the door. Erin followed them and was surprised that it seemed like Jay was about to have an actual conversation with him.

″I'll be back in some minutes,″ he said as he turned around to Erin.

″Jay,″ she said quietly and placed her hand on his heart. ″Be gentle. He doesn't seem to be in such a good condition.″

″We'll see,″ he shrugged, gave her another glance and then followed his father down the stairs, keeping the question back why he should be gentle to a man who's never been gentle to him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The night was cold when they stepped out on the street, snowflakes were falling from the sky to even increase the snow chaos they already had. With his hands in the pockets of his jacket Jay stared at the man in front of him, the man he hasn't seen in six years, his father. He's become old, looked a whole lot different than he used to know him. These past six years have definitely had an effect on him. And Erin was right: he didn't look like he was in a good condition at all. But he couldn't say that this was something he cared about. He was too annoyed, still too bitter, to care about anything regarding him at the moment.

″How can you dare coming here?″ he spat as he wasn't able to hold it back any longer.

″I wanted to talk to you, Jay,″ his father said completely calm. ″It's been a while and I wanted to see you.″

″Ever thought that I maybe don't want to talk to you and don't want to see you?″ he asked and tried to keep his voice under control. Erin had begged him to be gentle so he tried his best to not spit out all the things he wanted to spit out right now and tell his father that he should go where he came from and should stay far away from him and his family.

″Yes,″ he simply answered. ″A lot to be honest.″

″Don't you think I rejected all of your calls for a reason? And you dare to come here anyway.″ His voice was still rising and he shook his head in disbelief. ″What did you expect from this visit?″

″I don't know,″ he shrugged.

″Great,″ Jay laughed sarcastically and shook his head again. ″So you simply show up at our place like 'hey, here I am, it's been a while, let's talk'...without giving a care in the world?!″

″Your girlfriend is really nice, I like her and she seems like a real sweetheart,″ Robert said, completely ignoring his sons remark, and smiled faintly. ″And I saw all the photos on the wall...I'm glad you're happy, Jay.″

This statement caught Jay off guard and kinda put him off his stride as it was something he hadn't expected. He frowned for a moment by this sudden change of subject, by bringing Erin up in this conversation, but it also made him thinking. He was happy indeed. This was in fact the happiest time of his life so all this hate and bitterness didn't fit in, didn't even feel right.

He remembered Erin's words from some days ago when she'd talked about being thankful for how things have turned out and he has thought a lot about it. Without his father pushing him to become a soldier and to do three tours there would most likely be no 'Erin and Jay' now, no Emilia, no detective Halstead and God knows where he would be by now. His life was good, more like perfect right now regardless his past, so maybe he should be clement towards his old man although he didn't deserve it?

After all he had given Michael and Susan a second chance a couple of months ago and he was so happy to have them back in his life now, but it wasn't that easy with his father. This wound was still too deep, hurt too much. These were some broken strings that couldn't get repaired anymore. Some broken strings he contrary to his relationship with Michael and Susan didn't want to get fixed. He had missed his family, his uncle, his aunt, his cousins, but he couldn't say he had missed his father and now seeing him he felt nothing but emptiness.

In addition there was no need to hide behind a protective shield anymore whenever things came up that had to do with his father, like he used to do when he was a child, a teenager, a young adult. He was a grown-up man now, he had a job he liked a lot, a woman he loved who was pregnant with their daughter, he felt confident with himself, was happy with his life, so what could this man possibly say that would make him feel like the little, crying child again that was not worth his father's attention and needed to protect itself? When he looked at the fragile man in front of him he assumed odds were higher that these roles might have changed in the meantime. So maybe it wasn't the wrong thing to do to make one step into his direction, to give him the chance to say whatever he wanted to say.

Jay stood up to his father's piercing glance as he decided in this moment that he would give him the littlest of chances. He took a deep breath and then chose his words advisedly.

″She's my best friend, my soulmate, my family. She's all I have and she's the reason for my happiness. She changed me for the better. She always believes in the good in people and she told me that everyone deserves a second chance, even someone like you. This is not about giving you a second chance, because too many things are too broken for this, but I will listen to whatever you wanted to tell me and forget for a moment that you never listened to me,″ Jay said and he couldn't hold back this little sideblow. Robert only nodded and response and seemed to search for the right words at first.

″First of all I wanted to see my son again, Jay,″ he started to tell.

″Did you? I can remember the times where you would've given a lot if you didn't have to call me your son,″ Jay snapped. ″But maybe you don't remember them anymore.″

″I do remember them, Jay. And no day passes where I don't regret the things I did,″ he said and his voice broke a little but he cleared his throat and continued. ″I made lots of mistakes in my life, Jay, did lots of things I'm not proud of and I can understand why you don't want to have any contact with me, why you don't want me to be a part of your life, of your family. I accept that and I don't expect you to forgive me as I can't even forgive myself. Believe me, there's not much dignity for myself left in me. But I want you to know that I'm sorry, Jay. For everything. For never being there for you, for treating you in a way you didn't deserve to be treated, for abandon mainly you but also Will and your mother for so many years, for pushing you into something you didn't want to do, for leaving your mother when she needed me most. That's who I was but not who I am anymore. This is all I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry.″

All the time Jay has looked directly into his father's eyes, had more or less tried to challenge him with his glance, and now he saw how some tears formed behind his glasses and even he had to swallow down the lump in his throat. He hasn't thought that the words of the man he had zero feelings for would emotionally affect him like this. But he's always been sensitive when it came to his past and this just brought back so many painful memories.

″Uhm...okay,″ he spluttered in response and shrugged his shoulders. There was nothing more he could say right now.

″I am...I am proud of you, of what you do every day to make this city a better place. And as I said before, I'm glad you found happiness and I wish you and Erin all the best for your future. I'm sure you'll be a great father, a whole lot better than I was,″ he said quietly and gave his son a forced smile.

″This ain't difficult,″ Jay answered but his voice didn't come as cold as before, was almost as quiet as his father's.

″I know,″ Robert nodded, turned around and trudged away through the snow that was lying on the sidewalk, leaving Jay back a little perplexedly by the outcome of this conversation. He watched him disappear in the distance, the man who looked so broken and seemed to be so lonely, while the conversation replayed in his head, while the things he had said, most of all the apology that had come from his lips in such an unknown honesty, resounded in his ears.

He stood outside like some stone for a little longer, tried to sort his thoughts and feelings, watched his own breath escaping from his mouth into the dark night and only went back into the house when he started to shiver with the cold. When he closed the big front door behind him before walking up the stairs he was sure he also closed one chapter of his life that hasn't been closed until yet. The one with his father. He had said sorry in all honesty and Jay had to admit that this was all he's ever wanted and needed to hear to close exactly this dark and painful chapter of his life. Permanently. At least he thought so...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin watched Jay attentively when he walked into the apartment and joined her in the kitchen. For a moment she was unsure whether she should ask him about the conversation with his father or not. But talking helped, they both have learned that throughout the last few months, and it was important for her to know what was going on inside of him.

″Are you alright?″

″Yeah, I'm good,″ he assured her instantly, maybe a little too fast.

″What did he want?″

″He wanted to apologize for the things he's done and he sounded like he really meant it.″

″Did you accept his apology?″ Erin asked.

″Sort of,″ he shrugged. ″I will never forgive him for the things he's done but I needed to hear this apology to close this chapter of my life. He said what he wanted to say, I heard what I needed to hear, that's it. But my feelings for him won't change and I still hope I don't have to see him again,″ he added and Erin realized that he sounded at least not as bitter and hateful anymore.

″I think he's lonely,″ she noticed.

″That's his own fault Erin,″ Jay answered. ″He still has Will though.″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″Jay, you're not mad because I let him in, are you?″ she asked and her question came shy as she looked down to her feet she could barely see anymore because of her bump.

″Hey Er,″ he said softly and grabbed her chin so she had to look at him. ″Of course I'm not. Just because he's my father doesn't mean you have to deny him help. You did the right thing although I'm not sure whether he maybe just faked it.″

″I'm pretty sure that he didn't fake it Jay,″ Erin whispered.

″Whatsoever,″ he shrugged.

″I think he's sick, Jay. Really sick,″ she said, giving him a meaningful glance.

″I don't care, Erin,″ he said, turned away from her and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of beer. Of course she could emphatize with him and understood why he felt that way but yet she couldn't get the picture of Robert Halstead leaning against her wall out of her head, looking more dead than alive. While Jay didn't care, she did, whether she wanted or not. But as hard as it was, she would accept Jay's decision that he wouldn't make any further move to fix these broken strings and would therefore concentrate on the family they had and not on the one family member Jay didn't want to have in his life for obvious reasons.

″He said he's proud of me and that I'll be a great father,″ Jay interrupted her thoughts and only now she recognized that he still stared into the open fridge without putting anything out of it.

″He's right about that. You will,″ Erin answered and nestled her head against his back, wrapped her arms around him from behind.

Jay closed the door of the fridge again, turned around and wrapped his arms around her back, buried his face in her hair. She leaned her head against his strong chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. He wasn't as tough as he pretended to be. This conversation and meeting his father in general has left its mark. More than he was able to admit, she knew it. This was the Jay she knew, the vulnerable, caring, loving one, not the one who acted like he didn't give a care in the world. And with his latest statement she got another suspicion confirmed as well: Robert Halstead hadn't come to say sorry in first place. He'd come to say goodbye...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Are you nervous?″ Erin smirked at Jay when he walked into the bedroom, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist, some waterdrops running down his bare chest. It was Christmas Eve, they were supposed to be at Hank's house in an hour and she stood in front of her wardrobe in just her underwear, looking for some of her chicer maternity clothes that still fit her. She had the feeling that baby Halstead literally grew bigger every hour at the moment. Sleeping was still a mission impossible, no matter with how many pillows she surrounded herself, she had to pee every two minutes and had no idea how they should ever make it to Wisconsin in some days and although her baby was too big for making somersaults inside of her, the constant movement was still as strong and sometimes even painful. But she tried not to complain too much about it. She was happy that their baby girl was still growing inside of her and after making it to almost 36 weeks already she was sure she would get the final countdown of four-and-a-half weeks done as well.

″Should I be nervous?″ he joked laughingly.

″With Hank you never know,″ she teased him. Things were back to normal between the two of them, Erin hasn't mentioned his father again because she had promised not to push him into anything, just like he never did, and to accept whatever decision he made for himself. Maybe, but only maybe, she would try to talk to him again after Christmas, after their babymoon in Wisconsin, when she was on her maternity leave that started in some days. Her last official day in the bullpen would be the 28th, one day before they would leave for their vacation. And afterwards they would have enough time to talk about all of this again if it was necessary. But not now. She wanted to enjoy Christmas and their last getaway two in two and she really accepted his decision. It was his choice and as long as he didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't bring up this topic again.

″Uh-huh,″ he only chuckled in response, hoping that she so wouldn't hear how nervous he actually really was. It wasn't spending the evening with Hank and the rest of the Voight family that made him nervous but rather something else he had planned to do this evening that made his heart skip a beat whenever he was thinking about it.

″He likes you,″ Erin winked and sat down on the edge of their bed as she's finally found her black pants and a matching shirt she wanted to wear.

″I think it's more like that he slowly but steady realizes that he doesn't get rid of me anymore, so he can't do anything than accepting it teeth-gnashingly,″ he laughed and sat down next to her to put some socks on.

″So you're not scared any longer that he'll drown you in the lake?″ she chuckled and stood up in front of him to put the elastic band of her pants over her ever-expanding stomach. In fact she knew of course that Hank has completely accepted Jay as a part of the family no later than he had invited him for dinner some weeks ago when he'd showed her the video from Camille. But it was too much fun to tease him about it anyway as Jay always had the feeling that his current 'relationship' with Hank was too good to last.

″I knocked you up and I'm still here,″ he grinned and raised his eyebrows playfully as he looked up to her.

″Touché,″ Erin laughed and ran her fingers through his hair.

″Did you hear that Emmy? You're my witness, I won over your mommy,″ he chuckled and leaned forward to place a kiss next to her bellybutton before he rested the side of his head against her stomach to listen to the noises inside her belly, Erin's fingers still tickling his neck gently.

″Guess there's always a first, huh?″ she smirked down to him.

″Didn't think that this day would ever come, but yes,″ he laughed and when he felt a strong kick right against his cheek Erin started to chuckle loudly, knowing exactly that their daughter has basically just punched her father in his face.

″She kicked me in my face,″ Jay said and tried his best to sound like he was acutally complaining about it.

″She kicks me in my ribs 24/7, honey. You now know how I feel?″ she asked him all dry but couldn't hide a smile. ″And anyway, that was just her way of telling you to not cheer too much about your little win. Because you know, girls must stick together,″ she grinned all innocent.

″Yeah, I totally see that,″ he sighed smirkingly and got up to wrap his arms around her. ″Guess it will be hard for me against my two girls.″

″Super extremely hard,″ Erin chuckled.

″Can't wait,″ he murmured and got up to crash her lips with a passionate kiss.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

About half an hour later they drove to Hank's house, the roads were covered in snow as the winter road clearance was once again overstrained with the amount of snow, especially on Christmas Eve when half of the employes had the day off. After the heavy snowfall had made a pause last week it has made a comeback just in time for Christmas and yet they've already almost had more snow than they've had last winter all together. And it was only December. The snowy months January and February and sometimes even March were still about to follow.

At least the weather forecast for the following days and for the day they wanted to drive to Wisconsin predicted blue skies, sun and no snow and they both hoped it would stay like this. Otherwise they wouldn't have the chance to make it ever up to the cabin and their little vacation would fall through.

″This is insane,″ Erin sighed when they trudged through the 20 inches of snow to the front entry of Hank's house. She was sure Hank had ploughed the path from the snow before but with the way it was snowing at the moment this didn't even last an hour.

″I can't remember when it snowed that much for the last time,″ Jay said.

″Uhm last year maybe?″ Erin laughed. ″Just not in December already.″

″Caution!″ Erin suddenly heard Justin's voice yelling and in the next moment a snowball hit her on her shoulder.

″Justin!″ Erin called as she looked up to the balcony and saw Justin standing there, holding Daniel in his arm.

″It was him, I swear,″ he smirked down to her and pointed to his one-and-a-half year old son all innocent.

″You're an idiot,″ Erin laughed and slightly shook her head. She has missed him, her goofy, little big brother.

″What do you think, Daniel, will we hit auntie Erin again?″ he asked his son loud enough for Erin and Jay to hear him.

″Yes,″ the little boy giggled.

″Don't you dare,″ she warned him, shooting him a death glare but of course Justin Voight didn't care about her threat and threw another snowball down from the balcony, hitting her thigh this time, followed by two more, one of them landing in the nirwana of the front yard and the other one hitting Jay on his chest.

″Do you guys have a bearing up there?″ she asked and wiped the powdery snow from her pants.

″Let's put it this way: We were prepared for your arrival,″ Justin laughed.

″You will pay for that, bro,″ Erin grinned and then walked to the front entrance where they were protected from Justin's attacks.

Before she was able to knock on the door, Hank already opened it with a warm smile on his face. Jay was sure he's never seen him like this before and even Erin couldn't remember when she's seen this rare kind of smile for the last time.

″Hey kiddo, glad you made it without further damage,″ he smirked and hugged her.

″I'm surprised you weren't up there with them,″ Erin chuckled.

″I wanted to but I needed to prepare dinner with Olive,″ he grinned.

″Too bad,″ she laughed raspily and walk past him into the hall of the house.

″Jay,″ Hank nodded.

″Sarge,″ Jay answered and shook his hand formally.

″No Sarge today, Jay. It's Hank,″ he said to the younger man, giving him a small smile.

″Alright...uhm...Hank,″ Jay spluttered perplexedly. He couldn't help but think that this situation was kind of awkward. At least for him while Hank seemed to be surprisingly casual.

″Come on in already or do you wanna celebrate Christmas Eve on the porch?″

″Uhm...I prefer to come inside,″ Jay grinned as he realized that he was still standing in the doorway all dressed up and with nowhere to go and then stepped into the hall.

″You can leave it open, I have to plough the sidewalk again,″ Hank said when Jay wanted to close the door.

″I can do that,″ Jay suggested. ″I still have my shoes and my jacket on so it's not a big deal.″

″Well, alright,″ Hank nodded and this time he seemed to be the one who was a little perplex.

″Look who's there,″ Justin said when he came down the stairs with Daniel in the same moment and they slowly ran out of room in the small hall.

″Justin,″ Erin smiled and hugged her pseudo-brother she hasn't seen in ages, tightly.

″You know it's been a while when you see your little sister again and you can't really hug her because there is something in the way,″ he grinned and looked down to her bump.

″First of all I'm not your little sister,″ Erin started to protest.

″I'm taller than you, so of course you are,″ Justin smirked and earned a punch onto his shoulder from her.

″Your daddy thinks he's funny today, right?″ she asked the toddler who still rested on his arm.

″Yes daddy,″ Daniel giggled and hid his head on his father's shoulder.

″See, your son agrees with me,″ Erin smirked

″He didn't even understand you.″

″Of course you did, right Daniel?″

″Yes,″ he giggled again and then reached for Erin's arms.

″You're a good kid,″ Erin laughed when Justin handed her her nephew before she walked with him into the living room together with Hank, leaving Jay and Justin alone in the hall for a second.

″Jay,″ Justin nodded and reached for his hand.

″Justin,″ Jay said as their hands met in a firm handshake. He hasn't seen Erin's 'brother' ever since they'd met in the gym years ago and this meeting had been anything but warm-hearted. But things have changed since then, Justin was a lot more grown-up now, had a wife and a son and wasn't the pissed, rebellious kid anymore. And Jay assumed that Hank had told his son about the relationship status of his pseudo-sister at some point so Justin could get familar with the thought that Jay, the guy he already had thought years ago had a thing going on with Erin, was now the man on her side.

″You need a hand with getting rid of this freaking snow?″ Justin asked.

″Yeah, sure, why not?″ Jay asked in response, being a little surprised by Justin's suggestion but of course he wouldn't deny help. In addition he wanted to get to know Justin a little more anyway, so this was the perfect occasion.

Justin put his shoes, his beanie and his jacket on and then the two men stepped outside to plough the path and the sidewalk.

″I'm pretty sure we can do this again in an hour,″ Jay said.

″Yep, you could be right about that. Sometimes the thought about moving to Texas or Florida or California isn't that bad,″ Justin laughed.

″Ah come on, you would miss that. No snow, no cold, no chaos on the streets, no ploughing. Man this would be boring,″ Jay also laughed.

″No drivers to laugh about,″ he said pensively. ″You're right, that would be boring,″ he laughed.

Silence occured after the little conversation that had helped to break the ice between the two men a little and after salting the sidewalk they walked back towards the house when Justin suddenly stopped next to Jay.

″Listen man,″ he started and Jay also stopped walking and turned around to the younger man. ″I know the first time we met I didn't act like the nicest guy...and I'm sorry for that. I'm not that guy anymore but back then at the gym I saw a fella who casted an eye on my good-looking sister. Turns out my feeling wasn't so wrong after all but as I said, I changed. Because today I see a man who obviously makes her genuinely happy, so...uhm...yeah, thank you for this. There's no other person who deserves happiness more than Erin,″ Justin said and reached for Jay's hand to shake it again. For the second time this evening Jay was absolutely perplex. He'd known that Justin has changed over the years but he definitely hadn't expected such warm words to come from his lips.

″You're right, she deserves the world,″ he nodded slowly, ″and I do my best to give her all the things she deserves and make her feel special.″

″You better. Because if you break her heart I'll break your neck and will turn into the not-so-nice guy again and make your life a living hell,″ Justin warned and Jay wasn't even surprised by this threat. Justin was Hank Voight's son for sure.

″I'll never break her heart,″ Jay answered, putting emphasis on the word never, not breaking eye-contact with Justin for even a millisecond.

″Then we'll never have a problem,″ Justin said and gave Jay a pat on the back. ″Just that you know, I don't wanna scare you, I'm just looking out for my sister.″

″And that's exactly what brothers should do,″ Jay agreed and also gave Justin a pat on the back. He was sure he would be the same if he had a sister so he could totally understand Justin's intentions. But he was also sure that he would never ever give Justin a reason to put him six feet under as well as he would never give Hank a reason to drown him in the lake. He would keep on treating Erin like she deserved to be treated, would keep on doing his best to make her smile and happy every single day, would keep on protecting her and showing her how much he loved her, would keep on loving her. For the rest of his life.

After taking off their wet beanies, jackets and shoes the two men joined Hank and Olive in the kitchen to look how much longer they had to wait until they could fill their growling stomachs and Jay could finally say hello to Olive he hasn't really got to know until yet either.

″Where's Erin?″ Jay asked after introducing himself although he assumed she could only be up in her old room that was now Daniel's room, to keep him entertained.

″She's in the backyard, building a snowman with Daniel,″ Hank grinned. ″I told her to take it easy and that it's maybe better to finally slow down a bit.″

″It's Erin we're talking about,″ Jay laughed. He was used to it that she somehow couldn't really slow down and he accepted it as he knew she would slow down when she had the feeling she needed to. So as long as she felt good and was so full of energy, why shouldn't she do the things she wanted to do? But he found it kinda cute that Hank was so worried that she was overexerting herself with building a snowman.

″Yeah I know. I bet she will even insist letting you drive when it's time to go to the hospital,″ Hank smirked and Jay couldn't believe that Hank was joking with him like it was the most normal thing in the world.

″I guess I have to steal her keys at some point,″ Jay shrugged smirkingly.

″You better,″ Hank nodded.

″Anyone needing this carrot?″ Justin chimed in and grabbed one of the carrots that lay on the kitchen counter, waiting to get cooked. ″Otherwise I'll go out and help them with the snowman as I can't really help you here in the kitchen.″

″Take it, we have enough,″ Olive smiled.

″Thanks. What about you Jay?″

″Uhm, I stay here and give them a hand,″ Jay answered, hoping that he could maybe use this moment to put his actual plan into action. In case he could work up the courage to do it.

″Alright,″ Justin nodded, went to the hall to grab his shoes, jacket and beanie again and then joined Erin and Daniel in the garden a couple of minutes later.

″Guess what I have here,″ he said and showed the two of them, who were kneeling on the snowy ground, the carrot proudly.

″Oh look Daniel, your daddy brought the nose for our snowman,″ Erin grinned and Daniel changed his attention from the ball they were building as a trunk for their snowman, to his father.

″Daddy,″ he laughed and Just in knelt down next to them. ″Look,″ he said and showed him what they have built so far.

″Looks like the two of you are doing a great job,″ he smiled.

″Of course we do,″ Erin smirked.

″Let's make a second and a third ball, so we can finish our snowman, huh?″ he asked his son.

″Yeeeees,″ Daniel giggled and got down on his knees to grab more snow, of course getting a little help from Erin and Justin when it came to forming another ball but it was a joy to watch the toddler and how he eagerly tried to do his best to help them.

″How are things going, Justin?″ Erin asked by the way.

″Really good. I'm almost done with my training and Olive and I think about moving back to Chicago in case I can have a job at the base here. So we can be closer to our families and Daniel can grow up with his grandparents around.″

″Your father would be so happy about that,″ Erin smiled.

″Not to forget his aunt and his cousin,″ Justin winked.

″We'd love that,″ she smirked. ″Justin?″

″Huh?″ he asked and looked at her.

″Your mom would be so proud of you, that I know,″ she said quietly, glancing from him to Daniel and back to him.

″And I know she would be proud of you, too,″ Justin smiled, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

″I think we both did good.″

″We needed some time, but yes, we did,″ he nodded. ″So,″ he then said and glanced down to her stomach smirkingly. ″How did that happen?″

″I don't think I have to explain YOU how this happened, do I?″ she laughed.

″What? You don't wanna explain your little brother where babies come from?″ he joked.

″Uhm, let me think about this for a moment...nope,″ she grinned.

″Too bad. I'm sure it would've been...awkward,″ he laughed.

″That for sure,″ Erin chuckled and slightly shook her head. ″So instead of talking nonsense here, how about you make yourself useful and put that ball on top of the other so we can maybe finish this snowman, huh?″

″Yes ma'am,″ he grinned and stood up to put the smaller ball on top of the first one. Now they only had to form a third one as head.

″You know Daniel, Erin and I used to build snowmen when I was a kid and it was so much fun. At least for me,″ he told his son while they were forming the head together but Daniel was too occupied with the snow than that he really listened to his father. ″Not sure whether Erin had that much fun.″

″I was a teen and had to take care of my little brother who could be a pain in the neck sometimes, so of course it was the greatest fun of my life,″ she winked.

″You were 17 and I was 10, so I was basically a teen, too.″

″Uh-huh, of course you were,″ Erin grinned. ″But the snowball fights were fun though.″

″Yeah, because you always won,″ Justin laughed.

″Exactly,″ Erin answered, smirking mischievously at him. ″Always had impressive shooting-skills I'd say. But I have to admit, you've become better.″

″Had a good teacher I guess,″ he shrugged and gave her a wink. ″Do you remember the snowball fight where we, well mainly you, shellacked these two idiots from further down the street who always played nasty tricks on me and baited me in school? How you witnessed when they said something nasty to me and said they were going to pay for it? It ended in that snowball fight and you stood up for me, protected me and told them to stay away from me, otherwise they'd get a big problem with you. They never dared to even look at me again because they knew I had a badass sister who would keep her word and they always changed the side of the street when they saw you.″

″Yeah, I remember that,″ Erin nodded. ″Having been a streetkid for so long also had its benefits and putting them in their place was almost too easy compared to...other stuff,″ she added pensively.

″I think I never appreciated it enough, but I was really lucky to have a big sister like you.″

″Having you as a little brother wasn't that bad either,″ she smiled.

″You are for sure my favorite sister.″

″You don't have another one.″

″Exactly,″ Justin laughed and earned a punch onto his shoulder from her.

They finished the head of their snowman a couple of minutes later and Justin put it on top. Then he picked up his son so he could place the carrot in the middle of the face all proud while Erin gave the snowman some eyes and a mouth with some stones. In the end Justin even placed his scarf around the snowman and especially Daniel was more than happy with his snowman, kept on babbling about it the whole evening although at some point they couldn't see it anymore because it was snowed in.

They enjoyed a perfect Christmas Eve dinner in the dimmed light and candle light of the dining and living room while some christmas songs played from the stereo in the background and the snow kept on falling from the sky outside. After Olive and Justin had brought Daniel to bed so he would be well rested on Christmas Morning, they sat down on the couch next to the Christmas tree with water and wine and the only light in the room came from the lights on the tree and some candles that surrounded them. Later in the evening they were also joined by Alvin who had had dinner with both of his daughters and his ex-wife in her house and had then brought Michelle to some of her friends as she wanted to party with them.

With having his arm wrapped around Erin's shoulder and Erin more or less leaning on him, Jay listened to all the stories of the Voight family he hasn't known yet, to Al's stories and his Christmas Eve dinner that had started awkward but had then turned out to maybe be a new beginning for all of them. Sometimes Jay couldn't abstain from burying his face in Erin's hair and placing a soft kiss on it. No later than Hank had forbidden him to call him Sarge this evening he had also come to the conclusion that they didn't have to keep it professional this evening and could act like the couple they were. In addition, Jay felt so happy at the moment for a different reason that he had to exchange some tenderness and fond glances and smiles with her from time to time.

Every time Erin looked up to Jay and saw that spark in his eyes and that little grin always surrounding his lips she wondered what was going on with him. He seemed to be relaxed, satisfied and he really seemed to enjoy this evening with her family. Her family that he was now a part of, too and this fact made her genuinely happy. Years ago, when she hasn't had a family at all, when she had spent Christmas Eve in her room, alone and with a movie that was the only reminder that it was actually Christmas, she had always dreamed about this kind of Christmas, where everyone sat together on Christmas Eve, eating and chitchatting together in full anticipation of Christmas Morning. Her first real Christmas with the Voight family had been amazing but back then she'd also been overstrained with all the love and the family vibes as she hadn't been used to it and it had been too much for her. And today, years later, it was as magical as it hasn't been since Camille died and she fully enjoyed all these little bonds of love they shared and she somehow hoped this evening would never end.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Christmas went by and it was Wednesday in a flash which meant it was Erin's last day of work. Even before they went to work that morning it was hard for Erin to keep herself together as she knew that this day was going to be one of the hardest in a while, she even kinda feared this day as she was sure she wouldn't be able to handle her emotions and would therefore show all her feelings in front of her colleagues, would show them a side of her they barely knew.

When the two of them walked up the stairs to the bullpen later that morning they couldn't believe their eyes. There were some pink balloons strapped around Erin's desk, a big cake was placed on her desk as well as a big gift basket with all kind of baby stuff in it and on her chair sat a giant teddybear.

″You guys are crazy,″ Erin smiled to her colleagues who have all been waiting for her to arrive.

″We do crazy things when our best goes on maternity leave,″ Antonio said and Erin had some trouble to keep herself together now already and not let the tears fall from her eyes. Not only because of his words and this warm welcome which also was a goodbye, but mainly because it was a goodbye. A goodbye from her old life forever and a temporary goodbye from her colleagues. Her life would be completely different when she would come back in some months and although she was at a point where she looked forward to be a mother, the thought about not being in the bullpen on a daily basis for a longer period of time made her sad and her heart heavy.

″Don't you dare to make me cry now already,″ she laughed and inhaled deeply.

″First gifts and cake and then cry?″ Adam teased her.

″Yeah, that sounds better,″ Erin nodded and blinked some times towards the ceiling so the tears would fade.

″Alright, then here's another gift for you, Linds,″ Kevin said and handed her a little package that was wrapped in fancy paper.

″Thank you,″ she smiled and opened it immediately, all of her colleagues watching her curiously as they of course knew what was inside.

Erin smiled when she saw the onesie with the logo of the Chicago Police Department on front but when she discovered what was written on the backside she couldn't help but shaking her head smirkingly.

″50% mommy + 50% daddy = 100% badass,″ she read loudly and chuckled and Jay also started laughing right next to her while the whole crew grinned like Chesire Cats.

″We thought that'll suit her pretty good,″ Adam smirked.

″I'm glad she can't read that herself,″ Jay chuckled.

″Oh damn, and we just ordered the same shirts for every stage of her childhood,″ Kevin laughed.

″Sorry Kev, but you can keep them for yourself, I'm sure they'll fit you perfectly,″ Jay laughed and all the others chimed in as imagining Kevin in a tight kids-shirt was a sight for sore eyes.

It was a low day in the bullpen, as almost always in between Christmas and New Year's Eve the criminals seemed to take short break, so they had lots of time to sit down together, eat cake, drink tea and coffee and celebrate Erin's last day of work. All of these team vibes and little bonds of love didn't make the imminent goodbye easier for Erin and although she knew she would for sure not stay at home and stare at the walls of her apartment for the next four weeks but would most likely rather check by on most days of the week and spend some hours with her colleagues in the bullpen nonetheless, she couldn't keep her tears from falling in the early evening when they all hugged her and told her how much they were going to miss her. It wasn't the goodbye from her colleagues that made her sadest though, she knew she would still see them often enough, it was the goodbye from her work life, from the life she used to know and love, that made her heart heavier than usually.

″Don't even think about stealing my chair, Ruzek,″ Erin said to Adam after hugging him, a smirk forming in the corners of her lips, tears still sparkling in her eyes.

″I would never do that,″ he winked.

″Good for you,″ Erin chuckled. ″You take care of that,″ she said as she turned around to Jay who couldn't hide a grin as well. Erin's and Adam's little teases and fights, they would surely all miss them a lot as it was the funniest thing how Adam always tried to win against Erin but always failed.

″Of course,″ Jay nodded eagerly.

″Great,″ Erin answered and a sigh escaped from her lips as this was it now. She had said goodbye to her colleagues and her work temporary and would only come back in some months when she was a mother, when their life would be completely different.

″So...uhm...goodbye then,″ she said and grabbed her jacket and the giant teddybear while Jay took all of their other gifts.

″Have fun in Wisconsin,″ Antonio said.

″We will,″ Erin grinned.

″Take care of your girls, Jay,″ Hank said and Erin was sure she saw how he gave Jay an almost imperceptible nod.

″I will,″ Jay assured him before he wrapped his free arm around Erin's shoulder and walked down the stairs with her. And they didn't just walk down the stairs, they much more walked into the direction of their new life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After a quick stop at the grocery store to buy all the things and food they needed for their days in the cabin, they went back home to finally pack their bags, filling them with with lots of thick pullovers, beanies, gloves, scrafs and all the other clothes they would need once they were surrounded by inches of snow in the middle of nowhere.

And when Erin finally took a shower and Jay was all alone in the bedroom he could put the most important item into his bag and bury it between all of his clothes. He opened the drawer of his dresser and grabbed for something that was hidden in the corner behind his boxers and covered with some socks. His heart already started racing because of his nervousness when he thought about the things he planned to do. When he thought about that the right moment would maybe come during their vacation. When he looked at the little, black, velvet box in his hands that hid the sparkling diamond ring he'd bought a couple of days ago...

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 **I hope you liked this chapter, I had in any way lots of fun writing it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think :)  
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	36. Love Makes Us Do Crazy Things

**Thanks for the feedback on my last chapter! I hope you'll like this one ;)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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 **36\. Love Makes Us Do Crazy Things**

The cabin and the woods were covered in inches of snow and the lake was completely frozen when Erin and Jay arrived in winter wonderland on late Thursday afternoon and it was even more magical than Erin had imagined and maybe even more beautiful than Jay had remembered. He hasn't been here in winter for a while, so coming back to this place covered in white was truly something special.

When Erin got out of the car she felt like she was directly stepping into a fairytale forest. It was completely silent around them, the firs and trees were sunken in snow that slightly sparkled in the faint winter sun that was shining from the sky. The cabin almost looked small compared to how it looked when it wasn't surrounded with inches of fresh powder. And it was cold up here, even colder than in Chicago and Erin couldn't wait for cozy days inside the cabin, for snuggles at the fireplace, for hot baths and for relaxing under dozen of blankets in their giant bed.

″And, what do you think?″ Jay asked, wrapping his arms around her waist and her ever-expanding stomach from behind.

″It's incredible,″ she smirked and turned around to him. ″I think it's going to be some great days.″

″For sure,″ he nodded smilingly. ″How about we go in, turn the heaters on, make a fire at the fireplace, you lie down and relax a bit and I will unload the car and cook something for dinner?″

″I have to admit, that sounds pretty attractive,″ Erin chuckled.

The drive here had been quite crazy, not only because Jay'd had to fit snow chains to the tires for the last few miles as there was of course no winter road clearance on the road up to their cabin, but also because the roads had been full with drivers who should better not drive a car in winter and because they had to stop at every highway rest stop as Erin had to pee all the time and needed stretch her legs and her aching back. After spending more than seven hours sitting in the car it was needless to say that she was more than relieved that they were finally at the cabin now where she could just lie down or walk around. Everything was better than sitting at this point.

″Okay, come on,″ he winked, took her hand in his and together they cleared a way through the snow to the front door.

Of course it was more than chilly inside of the cabin but thanks to the heaters and the fireplace in the living room, it got warmer really fast. Covered with two cozy blankets Erin lay down on the couch and watched the orange flames of the fire and listened how it spitted quietly. Meanwhile Jay first cleared the small path from the car to the front entry from the snow and then unloaded the car and brought all their belongings inside. When he started to cook Erin decided she had rested enough and suggested she could unpack their bags and put their stuff in the dresser but Jay denied it instantly as there was this velvet box in his bag he didn't want her to find. So he told her that he could rather need a hand in the kitchen and ordered her to cut some cucumbers and tomatoes for their salad, teasing her that she should be able to do this by now as she's become quite housewifely within the last few weeks.

Their first evening was perfect in every single way, they enjoyed a delicious dinner and ice cream as dessert and spent the rest of the evening on the couch with watching movies. And the following days that led to New Year's Eve were just as perfect. Long morning cuddles were followed by making snow-angels in the garden, by strolls through winter wonderland until it became too strenuous for Erin, by playing Uno and Jenga and Sequence in front of the fireplace, by watching the snow fall down in front of the window, by cooking dinner together, by taking hot baths in the big bathtub, and by late night snuggling in their king-sized bed before their eyes fell shut.

The morning of New Year's Eve came and it wasn't any different than the days before, wasn't more special. And other than that the year would change from 2016 to 2017 at midnight it was a normal day. Up here in the middle of nowhere they wouldn't even see the fireworks and they hadn't bought one for themselves as it seemed to be unfair to frighten all the animals around them which weren't used to these loud noises deep in winter. So for Erin this day wasn't a big deal but little did she know that things were completely different for Jay and that it wasn't just a normal day for him but rather one of the most important of his life, one he was as nervous as seldom before, maybe as nervous as he's never been before, one where his heart skipped a beat more than once whenever he was thinking about the things to come...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The evening came and they ate raclette, the only light came from some candles they had placed on the dining table. Afterwards they played some more board games which was their favorite activity at the moment, always trying to beat the other and when one of them lost they wanted to start the next game immediately to take revenge and maybe win this time.

Around 11.40pm Jay told Erin he needed to go outside to bring in more wood so they could keep their fire going for a little while longer but when Jay wasn't back more than five minutes later she wondered whether he maybe froze to death outside or didn't find his way back. On the other hand she wasn't really surprised that it took him so long as he seemed to be confused all day already, distracted somehow, even nervous. Maybe she would simply ask him what was going on with him when he came back. She couldn't think of something that had happened that would explain his weird behavior but obviously something must've happened and she wanted to know what was going on and wanted to be there for him in case it was something bad.

″I need to show you something,″ his voice interrupted her thoughts and once again she could've sworn that there was a nervous undertone in his voice.

″Is everything alright?″ Erin frowned, scanning her boyfriend from head to toes.

″Yeah, sure, why not?″ he winked. ″I just need to show you something,″ he added and brought her her jacket, her beanie and her boots he was carrying in his hands.

″Outside?″

″Obviously,″ he chuckled. ″Now come on, otherwise it'll be gone.″

No later than now she was more than just curious. His weird behavior all day and now he wanted to show her something in the garden in the middle of the night when it was all dark outside. And cold. Maybe he'd seen an animal he wanted to show her and that was the reason why he'd been outside for so long. But why would he make such a big deal out of some animal. It wasn't like they hadn't seen wildlife here before and she was sure they would see more within the next days or the the next times they were here.

″Erin?″ Jay asked and his voice was impatient.

″Uhm sorry,″ she grinned, got up from her chair and took her jacket, beanie and boots from him.

″It better is something really special that you make me go outside that time of the day,″ she chuckled while she put on her boots. Yet she had no clue how special it was going to be.

″It'll be worth it,″ he smirked and then pulled her with him outside when she was finally done with clothing herself. He guided her to the frontyard, the one part of the garden Erin hadn't been able to see from inside of the cabin and in the moment they walked around the corner she knew what had taken him so long. He's made a little bonfire and next to it were lots of oversized, enlightened sparklers stuck in the snow. Sparklers that formed a big heart and spread their sparks all over the snow. Her heart flipped a little by the inevitable thought that rushed through her head in this very moment. Butterflies that surely had the size of airplanes started to take-off in her stomach as she assumed this wasn't just arranged because it was New Year's Eve.

″Erin,″ Jay whispered and took her hands in his. She turned her gaze away from the heart in the snow and looked into his heart-eyes instead. Although the dark night was only enlightened by the bonfire and the sparklers she could see how his eyes blue sparkled.

Jay took a deep breath as he looked into the face of the woman he loved more than anything else in his life, as he was about to speak out the words that would change their life forever. Hopefully. His heart beat unhealthy and nervously in his chest when he tried to remember the words he wanted to tell her and for a moment he freaked out inwardly as he thought he would mess up this moment that he wanted to be perfect.

″You are the most stubborn, headstrong, grouchy, sarcastic and determined girl I know, quite a handful to handle sometimes, and you're surely the only person I know who always, always, always needs to have the last word. But you also have so much heart, empathy and loyalty and you're the smartest, kindest, bravest, strongest and most amazing woman I know. You drive me nuts every single day in the most positive way. You are my biggest challenge, my greatest distraction, my only addiction. You're all I have and all I need. Every time when I look at you, I am amazed, not just because of your looks, because you are the most beautiful, unique woman in the world, but because of the fact that everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me.″

Jay's eyes never left Erin's while he spoke with the softest of voices. He put his hand in the pocket of his jacket for a second and then revealed a velvet, black box. He opened it and a perfect diamond ring sparkled right into Erin's face as he knelt to the ground, into the snow, his other hand never letting her hand go.

″You once told me that I don't know a good thing when I see it. But I can tell you, although you might don't wanna hear it, you were wrong. Because the best thing was already right in front of me then and I knew it very well. From the moment I saw you for the first time I knew you are the one. The one for me. Being with you I feel complete. You are my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life. For this life and the next life. Meeting you changed my life and no matter how strong we are as individuals, together we are unbeatable and will master all the challenges life will come up with like we did in the past as well. Thanks to you I have the feeling I'm living the dream and I do never want to be without this feeling ever again,″ he said and inhaled deeply again as popping the one question was only seconds away now. And although he was nervous and it was too dark around them to see things properly he was sure to see tears welling in her eyes, ready to slide down her cheek any second. Hoping that it were tears of emotion and joy he spoke the four final words out loud, the most important words that would ever come from his lips other than the two words he was hopefully allowed to say, to promise her, in a couple of months.

″Will you marry me?″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Jay paced up and down in front of the door of Hank's office in his house. Until a couple of minutes ago he had helped Olive in the kitchen while Erin and Justin were in the garden with Daniel. Until a couple of minutes ago Hank had also been with them but he had then disappeared to his office as he had to take care of something, how he had told them. When Hank hadn't been back after ten minutes Jay had decided to look for him as this was possibly the one moment he's been waiting for and he had to take this chance to talk with Hank all alone. He didn't know how many more chances he would get this evening and he had to ask him before they would leave for Wisconsin, otherwise the plan he had would literally fly away in the distance._

 _Until a couple of minutes ago he had also felt brave enough to do it but now he didn't have the guts to knock on the door and he rather had the feeling that his stomach would turn any second._

 _He didn't even know what exactly held him back, why he didn't simply go in. Hank seemed to be in a really good mood today so it shouldn't be a big deal to ask him for his blessing to marry his pseudo-daughter, should it? Maybe it was because he still thought that proposing to Erin was kinda crazy. But this was what happened when people were in love. They did crazy things. It was not that long ago when he had answered the question of his cousin about when he was going to put a ring on Erin's finger with someday. And back then he hadn't thought that this someday would come so soon. But during the last three months their relationship has grown even stronger, they've become even closer and on more than one occasion Erin had showed him how much she trusted him, how much she needed him, had leaned on him when all of this had always been her biggest struggle. He had the feeling that she was ready for this next step, for answering this one question with a word that consisted of three letters, that this someday was here. And he wanted to do it right all the way along._

 _In this moment he turned around and knocked on the door without thinking about it any longer. Now or never, these were the options he had. And he wanted it to be now._

″ _Yeah?″ he heard Hank's voice from inside. Slowly, almost shy, Jay opened the door and looked into the room. Hank was standing in front of the large windows with a glass of scotch in his hand, obviously watching Erin, Justin and Daniel building the snowman in the floodlight of the garden. He turned his head around and slightly frowned when he saw who was joining him. For whatever reason he had obviously expected it would be Olive instead of Jay._

″ _In case you were looking for the bathroom, that's the wrong door,″ he smirked._

″ _Uhm...I wasn't,″ Jay spluttered. ″I was looking for you,″ he said and stepped into the room, suddenly having the feeling that it was unbelievably hot in there._

″ _Huh,″ Hank nodded and looked at Jay with a piercing glance, the latter having the feeling that he was looking right through him. ″You want one, too?″ he then asked, showing Jay his glass._

″ _Uhm...yeah...why not?″ Jay answered and took the few steps to stand next to Hank's side, looking through the window into the garden for a moment and seeing Erin, Justin and Daniel laughing dearly._

″ _Here you go,″ Hank said after filling the liquid into the glass and handed it to the younger man._

″ _Thank you,″ Jay answered with a smile and clinked his glass with Hank's, pouring down parts of his nervousness with a first, long gulp._

″ _Christmas is always hard,″ Hank said into the silence, never turning his gaze away from the three people in the garden, and Jay was sure he's never heard his voice sounding like this before._

″ _It is,″ Jay nodded and when Hank turned his head to him for a split second, when his blue eyes met his brown ones, he was sure to see the same silent pain in Hank's eyes that was in his own eyes. Pain that not every beloved member of the family was here with them today. Pain for the people they missed and wished they could celebrate Christmas with. And he was also sure that Hank saw this pain reflecting from his eyes as well._

″ _But seeing this makes up for it,″ Hank said, motioning his head to the beautiful scenes outside. ″Seeing them all being so happy makes up for it,″ he added and took another gulp from his scotch. ″I just wish Camille could see this.″_

″ _That's what I've wished with my mother for so many times within the last few months. That she could see and meet Erin and could be with us during this exciting time. And I guess it will be a lot harder once the baby is here,″ Jay sighed and was surprised about saying these things to Hank. But he couldn't help but having an unknown feel of sympathy and empathy for him. ″I'm always telling myself that she's sitting somewhere, looking down to us with a big smile on her face because she wanted me to be happy and that's what I am. And Camille is doing the same. Looking down at her kids and grandkids all proud and all happy because they are happy.″_

 _Hank looked at him again and for a moment it seemed like words failed him. Then he turned his head away again, emptied his glass and focussed his gaze on the garden, letting an awkward silence occure._

″ _I'm glad Erin has you, Jay. She deserves to be happy and I can tell she is. She only deserves the best and it seems like you are the best for her,″ Hank said and Jay couldn't believe his ears. This conversation went into the right direction all alone and the only thing he had to do now was to seize the chance._

″ _I hope I am,″ Jay nodded and took a deep breath of air, ready to speak out his request._

″ _Hank,″ he started and cleared his throat so the nervous undertone in his voice would fade. ″Erin is the greatest gift I've ever been blessed with. She changed my life for the better and the feelings I have for her are unreal. I love her and I will forever. With the birth of our daugher we'll be a little family and there's only one thing that is still missing: that we all have the same name and that I can call her my wife,″ he said and took another deep breath. ″So I wanted to ask you for your blessing to marry her.″_

 _The words were out and Jay already felt how it took a load off his mind although he didn't know Hank's answer yet. The older man turned his head to him again, scanned him sternly for a brief moment and for the second time this evening, Jay had the feeling Hank was looking through him and his glance literally burned on Jay's skin._

″ _Why would you ask me?″_

″ _Because I want to do this right. I know it's important for Erin that we have your blessing and I was raised and teached that you ask the father of the bride for his approval instead of doing it behind his back. It's maybe a bit outdated but it seemed to be the right thing for me to do,″ Jay said and a short, nervous chuckle escaped from his mouth before they fell into another short moment of silence as Hank seemed to think about how to answer this big request._

″ _I like this attitude, Jay,″ Hank nodded. ″Actually I like most of your attitudes which is quite hard for me to admit. And because of these attitudes, because you are gentle and patient and caring and protective and calm, because you are serious when something requires you to be serious, because you can make Erin laugh when she needs a good laughter, because you make her happy every single day which is exactly what she needs, I give you my blessing Jay. I only hope you know what you're doing because I'm not sure whether she's already ready to walk down the aisle and make a marriage promise.″_

″ _She is,″ Jay answered emphatic, for a moment forgetting that he had gotten Hank Voight's blessing to make Erin Lindsay his wife and only paying attention on Hank's last words._

″ _I hope you're right and she won't break your heart,″ Hank said, giving him a meaningful glance. He cared about him. Jay couldn't believe it._

″ _She won't,″ Jay said and shook his head. Although he was a little insecure now he knew deep down inside that she wouldn't break his heart. She was ready for this next step and he would make this proposal so perfect that she would only answer with yes. That was at least what he dreamed of._

″ _At this point you seem to know her better than I do, so when you think it's the right thing to do, then do it,″ Hank answered pensively, placing his glass on the sideboard in front of him and filling it with scotch again._

″ _Thank you, this really means a lot to me. And I know it means even more to Erin,″ Jay said, a thankful smile forming on his face as he clinked his glass with Hank's once more._

″ _Cheers! Keep on being you.″_

″ _I will,″ Jay nodded. ″Cheers.″_

 _When the scotch burned down his throat, which was completely dry, Jay started to realize what had just happened and his heart jumped up and down in his chest in excitement and happiness. He had Hank Voight's blessing. He was going to propose to the love of his life. He would see her walking down the aisle in a couple of months, would make a promise for a lifetime, would put a ring on her finger, a ring for eternity, would make her his wife, would make her Erin Halstead..._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

All the time Erin has looked directly into Jay's blue eyes, has almost forgotten to breathe while soaking in this moment and listening to all of Jay's words. Words that made her tear up because they were chosen so perfectly, because they were so much Jay, that they sent her to the edge of her emotions. Because they were for sure some of the most beautiful words he's ever told her yet. Because the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with showed her the most stunning ring she could've asked for and then knelt down in front of her to ask her to become his wife.

Just as Camille had predicted, she didn't even have to think about the answer she was going to give him. She has thought quite a lot about whether marriage was something she wanted ever since Liv had asked her a couple of weeks ago and in the beginning it was hard to admit to herself that it definitely was something she wanted. She's even been surprised about how much she actually wanted this and how small her commitment issues have become. So small that she wanted to give him the one and only answer to his question. And although it was a word that only consisted of three letters, it maybe was the craziest answer she would ever give him. But this was what love did with people. Love made them do crazy things.

″Yes,″ she breathed. ″A thousand times yes,″ she said smilingly and a little louder this time, but her voice came hoarse and shaky as a tear slid down her face.

″Did you say yes?″ Jay asked, letting out a long breath he didn't know he had held back and an unbelievable smile appeared on his face as all the tension fell from his body.

″I guess so,″ Erin smirked and in the same moment Jay jumped up to his feet, lifted her up and swirled her through the air.

″She said yes!″ he yelled laughingly into the dark night, telling the wildlife or whomsoever, before he let her back down to the ground, cupped her cheeks with his hands and placed an intense kiss on her smiling lips.

″So let's make this right,″ he grinned afterwards, took the ring out of the box he was still holding in his hands and put it on the wedding finger of her left hand. His hand was still shaky and so was hers and both of them had to chuckle as they seemed to be too clumsy to put the ring on properly.

″We made it,″ Erin laughed when the diamond ring finally found its spot on her finger and she couldn't do anything other than staring at it in awe while her heart still wanted to explode in her chest, while the airplanes in her stomach slowly turned back into butterflies. This was real but felt so unreal. She was going to marry her best friend, her hero, her rock, the love of her life. She was going to be his wife and he was going to be her husband which sounded so weird but yet so perfect at the same time.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay grinned, crashed her lips again and wrapped his arms around her to hold her tight. Erin's answer has made him the happiest man in the world and he was sure, that in this very moment, no one all around the world was happier than him, no one felt more blessed than him and no one was more grateful than him.

He was holding his whole life in his arms as he placed soft kisses on her forehead, as he buried his head in her beanie, as he raised his hand behind her shoulder to check his clock and realized it was three minutes after midnight. The year had changed in silence from a really exciting 2016 to a 2017 that would for sure be even more exciting, more special and they had missed it while exchanging soft kisses and fond glances with sparkling eyes which reflected their smiles.

″Happy New Year,″ he whispered and his hand travelled down to her stomach, his fingers stroking softly over the fabric of her pullover that kept her belly warm.

″Happy New Year,″ she smiled and placed her hand with the sparkling ring atop of his, stroking his knuckles as they both looked down to her big belly that made it impossible to close her jacket, before they both lifted their heads again. Their lips melted in another soft but passionate kiss, in the light of the bonfire, under the clear, starry sky, in full anticipation of the things that were about to come in this new year.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They spent the following day being all lazy again and as it was snowing the whole day they didn't leave the cabin for even one second but after all they motivated themselves to clean out Will's and Jay's old room, that was more of a storage room at the moment, in the afternoon so it could become Emilia's room. They also repositioned some of the furniture they would keep and the stuff they didn't need anymore Jay chopped into pieces in the garden later so they could use it to make a fire. They had even brought some of the baby stuff they had bought multiple here, so while Jay was outside in the garden, Erin accessorized the room with the few things they had. Some pillows for the small couch, some stuffies she placed on the dresser, some baby blankets and an activity mat.

Of course they didn't know yet when they would come here next time, maybe somewhen in the summer when their baby wasn't a newborn anymore, but at least her room would be more or less finished then and they only had to bring a travel bed and some other stuff they needed on a daily basis.

When they lay in their bed later in the night, listening how the wind howled outside and watching how a snowstorm occured, they both hoped that after this snowstorm it would finally stop snowing and the sun would make a comeback so they could enjoy some more time outside in winter wonderland before they had to drive home in two days as Jay had to go back to work.

But after Jay's eyes fluttered open on the following morning, taking a look outside the window he couldn't believe what he was seeing as everything was white in white with an abnormal amount of snow and he knew immediately that driving home on the following day would become a mission impossible. It was still slightly snowing but the significant problem was that they had so much new snow that they were basically snowed in. He went down the stairs into the living room and stepped out on the porch.

″Holy shit,″ he sighed as he couldn't even really see their car anymore because it was covered in so much snow and he was sure if he tried to walk through the garden the snow would reach him to his hips. There was no way they would be able to leave this place tomorrow and yet he wasn't sure when they ever would. He went back inside and upstairs, grabbed his phone from the bedside table as he wanted to call his old neighbor Bill so that they could arrange that winter road clearance would also take care of the streets up here so that all the cabins and farms wouldn't be cut off from the outside world for too long. But his brilliant plan got foiled when he only heard the free-line-signal. The service up here has never been the best but obviously the telephone lines were completely damaged now thanks to that snow chaos.

″Damn it,″ he cursed while he walked back into the bedroom, tossed his phone on the bedside table again and crawled back under the covers, hoping that the power lines would withstand the masses of snow, so that they would at least have warm water, electricty and heaters during the days they would be caught in the cabin. And it was a good thing that they had more than enough food brought here so they would at least be able to cook and eat proper meals.

″What's wrong?″ Erin yawned next to him, streched her body and rubbed her still tired eyes.

″Nothing,″ he assured her immediately and sighed. ″We're just snowed in.″

″We're what?″ she frowned while she snuggled closer to his side.

″The snowstorm last night snowed us in,″ he said and wrapped her arm around her to pull her as close as it was possible at this stage of her pregnancy.

″That means...we can't leave for now?″ she asked and instead of freaking out about it she smiled a little. She liked the thought of spending some more days here with him instead of returning to Chicago where he would go back to work and she would be bored all day while playing the waiting game.

″Yep. You're stuck here with me,″ Jay sighed and kissed her forehead.

″Oh well, I could imagine worse things than being stuck here with my fiancé,″ she smirked and this statement also brought a smile back on Jay's face. Her fiancé, this was what he was now.

″Me too, believe me,″ he grinned and placed a kiss on her lips, the stubbles of his facial hair softly scratching on her face. He hasn't shaved ever since they've come here and she had to admit, she really liked this look on him, maybe even wished that he would keep this little beard as she found it pretty sexy.

″Great, so we just have to tell Hank that we're unfortunately snowed in and can't leave for now,″ she chuckled.

″Well, that's the next problem,″ he sighed. ″I guess the snow was too heavy for the telephone lines so we don't have any phone service at the moment and I'm afraid it will take a while until someone repairs it.″

″So we're not able to get in contact with anyone?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows.

″That is pretty much correct,″ Jay confirmed.

″Hank's going to kill us,″ she said all dry but she still didn't sound like she found this situation particularly tragic while Jay didn't like the thought that they were caught here, especially with Erin being close to 37 weeks pregnant which basically meant that she was full-term and their baby could be born any day now. Although they both doubted that she would come that much early, but still, it was a possibility and the fact that it was impossible to get to the hospital made him more than just a little nervous. And he also didn't like that no one knew anything about them and would most likely worry. Unless there was the same snow chaos in Illinois as well and the media reported about what's happened in Wisconsin, so all their people in Chicago could put two and two together. ″But I guess he's going to kill us anyway, so what?″ she added, interrupting his worries, and a chuckle escaped from her lips as she looked at the diamond ring on her hand.

″He won't, at least not because of this,″ Jay said, stroking her hand with the ring that rested on his chest, and a bright grin spread over his face as he saw how Erin was furrowing a brow by these words.

″Is that what you're telling yourself?″ she teased him.

″Believe me or not, I KNOW he's not going to kill you or me or the both of us together,″ he smirked all convinced.

″How's that?″

″He gave me his blessing,″ Jay answered casually, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and Erin's eyes widened in disbelief.

″Uhm...sorry?″ she spluttered, making sure that she's heard right, and Jay's grin grew even wider.

″I asked him for his blessing to marry you and he gave me his blessing. I'm officially allowed to make you my wife.″

″You...you asked him for his...blessing?″ Erin repeated his words slowly.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay chuckled.

″Why would you do that?″

″Because I knew this is important for you,″ he said and out of a sudden his voice was all serious. He looked down into her face, saw that she was slightly emotionally affected by this gesture, so he cupped her cheek with his hand and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips.

″It is,″ she whispered after the kiss. ″Thank you.″

They fell into a comfortable silence of just holding each other and enjoying their closeness. It was indeed important for Erin to know that Hank was okay with them tieing the knot. When she'd said yes she hadn't thought about Hank, he'd in fact been the last thing on her mind in this moment, but now knowing that they had Hank's blessing made her feel even better than she already felt, made the anticipation even bigger.

″So we have to find a date I guess,″ she blurted into the silence as she wanted to express her anticipation somehow.

″Yeah, we have to. I thought about spring, maybe April or May or so, when everything is in full blossom.″

″Cheez Jay, at least give me six months to get back into shape,″ she laughed.

″You won't need six months,″ he murmured and gave her a playful twinkle.

″You can't know that and as I plan to only marry once in my life I want this day to be perfect what means I want to look perfect.″

″Er, you look perfect every single day.″

″That's not what I mean, Jay, and you know that, don't you?″ she asked and raised her eyebrow while glaring at him

″Alright,″ he sighed. ″So what about summer? End of July maybe?″

″That sounds better,″ she nodded approvingly, hoping that six to seven months would be enough time to plan a wedding and get herself in a shape she liked to see herself in.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Of course the TV also didn't work on this day, and didn't on the following day either, so they had no chance to find out whether Chicago was covered in inches of snow as well, whether their friends and family hopefully knew what was going on in Wisconsin. They spent the majority of these two days inside of the cabin again, reading books, cooking together or playing more board games. Fortunately they had a lot of different and also older games here, so it didn't get boring at all. When it stopped snowing in the afternoon they even went outside, slashed themselves a way to the lake and then walked back to the cabin as further strolls simply weren't possible.

It was around 10 in the evening on the 3rd of January, they've already been cut off from the outside world for more than 36 hours, they sat on the couch and the armchair close to the warming fire of the fireplace and they were playing their fifth match of parcheesi in a row as both of them had lost two and won two, when Jay recognized that Erin seemed to be a little strained, uneasy, anxious and distracted. She still tried to laugh when he said something dorky or teased her when he diced a number that would him allow to kick her meeple but her laugh wasn't real, more forced, and instead she was inhaling and exhaling deep breaths quite often.

″Is everything alright?″ Jay asked, hoping that it was just Emilia's feet in her ribs again and nothing more.

″Uhm yeah, sure,″ she nodded, biting her lower lip with her teeth. ″Your turn,″ she said and pointed to his dice.

″Erin,″ he sighed but his voice also came strict and just speaking out her name like this made her look to him instead of the game board. Once again she bit her lower lip while she glanced at him for a brief moment, an expression of insecurity surrounding her face and she inhaled deeply again before she spoke out the words that let any color fall from Jay's face and let his heart drop not only to his knees but to his smallest toe.

″I might have contractions...″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! I'll try my best to not leave you with this cliffhanger for too long!**

 **And as baby Halstead's birth is definitely happening soon, I'd like to know what you want to read as soon as Emilia is born! Of course I already have some ideas but I'd like to hear yours! Leave your suggestions in a review or a PM and I will try to write them in! :)**


	37. Family Matters

**Thank y'all again for your feedback on my last chapter! As promised I changed my updating-rhythm a little, so here's the next one! Hope you enjoy it :)**

* * *

 **37\. Family Matters**

Time stood still for Jay and he didn't only have the feeling that his heart has dropped to his smallest toe, he also felt like his heart has basically stopped beating by her words and someone has punched him in his gut in addition. He felt nauseous and hot and cold at the same time and his head was all over the place. This had to be a bad joke from her, it couldn't be true that one of his biggest fears, something he had feared when she had suggested him to come here for New Year's, was becoming reality right now. With the difference that they didn't even have the chance to get to the hospital now.

They didn't deserve another drama and although it would fit perfectly into their life, the birth of their daughter wasn't supposed to happen like this. And there was no way that she would be born today, more than three weeks early, in their cabin, completely unattended. This hasn't been the plan. Not at all. But just looking into Erin's face he knew that she wasn't joking and it took him some effort to swallow all his nervousness, nausea and fear down so that he was able to say anything in return.

″Contractions?″ he echoed stammeringly. This was the only thing his mind came up with, the only word he could speak out at the moment as he was still too shocked to even breathe. Just shortly before Christmas Dr. Hanson had told them once again that Emilia was still a small baby and that it was very likely that she would need all 40 weeks or even more, so Erin couldn't be in labor. She simply couldn't.

″There's been a dragging pain in my lower back and stomach for half an hour now,″ she admitted, trying to stay as calm as possible about it although she was scared and nervous beyond limits, was inwardly panicking just as much as he did.

″You can't have contractions, Erin, not now,″ he said desperately and Erin could hear that he was about to have a mental breakdown any second. ″We're in the middle of nowhere, completely alone, have no chance to get to a hospital and...″

″Jay,″ she interrupted him with the softest of voices and laid her hand on his arm to give him some support although it should've been him who supported her. But right now he seemed to need it more than her. In addition she maybe didn't want to hear the things he was saying. ″Keep cool.″

″How am I supposed to keep cool?″ he asked furiously, snappishly.

″Freaking out doesn't bring us anywhere either,″ she answered, still being completely calm. At least she looked like being it from the outside, deep inside she was a wreck but for now she was able to keep these feelings and emotions down. ″Maybe it's just Braxton Hicks or false labor.″

″Maybe?″ he echoed and his eyes were still wide in shock and fear as his head still imagined worst-case-scenarios of an unattended home birth with none of them having a clue, maybe even with a dangerous situation for Erin and the baby.

″Yeah maybe. I didn't have contractions before in my life and neither did I have Braxton Hicks or false labor yet, so I can't tell you whether it's real or not.″

″You had some a couple of weeks ago though,″ he remembered her.

″Yeah but that was more of a stabbing pain and the light contractions I had I almost didn't recognize. It feels different today.″

″Alright,″ Jay sighed, taking some deep breaths to collect himself. They weren't prepared for this and other than the baby blankets they had nothing here. No diapers, no clothes, nothing. But he had to stay calm, he knew it, although everything inside of him still wanted to flip. ″Lie down over here,″ he said and patted the spot next to him on the couch.

While Jay made her space on the couch she also got up from the armchair and lay down on her right side on the couch, her knees bent, her hand resting on her ever-expanding stomach while she prayed that these weren't the first signs of labor. The thought about giving birth here in their cabin all alone scared the hell out of her and she didn't even know how she managed to keep herself that calm. Maybe it was because she tried her best to concentrate on her breathing and on the things her body tried to tell her.

Jay gave her some more pillows and covered her with a blanket before he sat down on the edge of the couch, his hand stroking her cheek softly.

″Is it comfortable enough like this?″ he asked.

″It is,″ she nodded.

″Okay, I'll bring you something to drink and make you a calming tea,″ he said and got up to walk to the kitchen.

″Make sure you make one for yourself, too,″ Erin called and even had to laugh slightly. She closed her eyes, listened to how Jay put out some cups and glasses of the cupboard, how the electric kettle heated up the water, how he poured juice into a glass while she reminded herself to stay cool and collected and tried to calm down as far as possible by inhaling and exhaling in a steady rhythm. In the first second she may had inwardly panicked but the more she now thought about that she maybe would give birth tonight, the more she was sure that she wouldn't. Something told her that this wasn't it, that their little lady wouldn't conquer the world tonight and that they had to wait a little longer until they could welcome Emilia into their life. In a hospital in Chicago, with a doctor and a midwife. And not in the cabin in Wisconsin all alone, snowed in and cut off from the outside world.

It took a couple more minutes until Jay came back to her, placed a glass with orange juice on the coffee table and took his spot next to her again.

″Here, I mixed it with cold water,″ he said and handed her the cup of tea.

″You take a sip first,″ Erin said while she sat up a little.

″Okay,″ he nodded, took a long gulp and then gave her the cup. ″Anything changed in the last ten minutes?″

″I think it's not real,″ she said as soon as she saw his worried gaze burning on her face again, as she felt his hand supportingly stroking her thigh.

″You can't be sure about that,″ Jay sighed and for Erin it was obvious that his mind was still focussing on the worst possible scenario.

″I'm actually pretty sure about it, Jay. It doesn't get stronger and it more feels like it's slowly fading. And it doesn't feel like the real deal,″ she said and gave him a faint smile before she sipped on her tea.

″The real deal?″ he asked, furrowing a brow.

″I can't explain it but I don't have the feeling that she will be born tonight or anytime soon. I think actual labor feels different than what I feel at the moment,″ she said, taking another gulp from her tea.

″But it could still be real, Er,″ he said emphatically.

″Jay, I think it's better when you drink this tea instead of me,″ she answered all dry and handed him the cup.

″I don't need..-″

″You do,″ she assured him immediately. Of course she was right, he needed it way more than her. He had not clue how she managed to keep herself cool while he still felt anything but comfortable with their current situation, felt like everything was about to run out of control and while his heart was still beating unhealthy in his chest. But maybe she could assess this situation better because she could feel the things that were going on while he couldn't. Because her maternal instincts, which she had doubted for so long, told her that there was no reason to get worried and so maybe he should start to tell himself that everything was under control, that they would not become parents tonight.

″Thanks,″ he said with a forced smile. ″I hope you're right.″

″I'm always right, you remember?″ she chuckled while she lay back down into the cushions again, tracing circles onto the blanket that covered her belly.

″Vaguely,″ he answered and a real smirk returned to his face.

″Good for you,″ she winked. ″But just imagine we would return to Chicago not only being engaged but also with holding Emmy in our arms. We could say we started the new year with a bang,″ she grinned and Jay grimaced by her words.

″At the moment I definitely prefer the thought of returning to Chicago with her still being in your belly.″

″So you don't want to see me giving birth on the kitchen floor?″

For a moment Jay thought whether joking about it was appropriate given their current situation but then he came to the conclusion that Erin being so casual about it was maybe the best sign possible. If she was in real labor she most likely wouldn't joke with him like this.

″Your mommy thinks she's super funny today,″ Jay said as he leaned down to her stomach and placed a soft kiss on it before resting his head there. ″Why does she think she would give birth to you on the kitchen floor when we have the couch here...which would be so much more suited since you were conceived...-″

″Jay!″ Erin laughed and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″She doesn't need to hear that.″

″What? That she's our couch-kid?″ he chuckled and looked up to her all innocent.

″Exactly,″ she nodded and was all serious when she continued talking. ″She's not just a kid that was conceived on the couch accidentially. I mean she is somehow but she's you and she's me, she's us. She came into our life to show us, or especially me in this case, how much I acutally need and want this. She's our unplanned surprise, our little miracle, our greatest gift.″

″She is,″ Jay whispered, being somehow emotionally affected by her words. A couple of months ago it had been impossible that she would talk about their baby like this one day. But here they were, some short weeks before they would finally meet their bundle of joy, and Erin was absolutely in love with the tiny human being she was carrying under her heart.

″So little lady,″ he then said. ″You would make mommy and daddy very happy if you stay in there for a little while longer, alright? We would appreciate it so much that you'll get all the toys you want when you're older, I promise.″

″Did you just suborn our daughter?″ Erin laughed and raised her eyebrows, giving him a second punch this evening.

″Hey, when it helps,″ he shrugged smirkingly.

″You didn't have to do that because it's really fading,″ she smiled, running her hand through his hair as his head still rested on her stomach.

″Yeah?″ he asked hopefully, her statement taking a huge load off his mind. Not everything yet but still a lot of it.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded ″I think it'll be gone soon.″

″I think other than your answer to my question the other night this is the best thing you've said to me in a while,″ he said, changed his position and placed a soft kiss on her lips. ″And by the way Emmy,″ he added and ran his hand over her stomach, ″daddy takes it all back.″

″Jay!″ Erin blurted and gave him a third punch. Most likely he would have a black and blue mark there tomorrow. ″When she decides to come now it's all your fault,″ she laughed and got another kiss from him in response.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their baby wasn't born that night. After spending a little more time resting on the couch, Erin took a long, hot bath which helped her to completely relax and then slipped under the covers later without having any sign of labor, false labor or Braxton Hicks anymore. While she fell asleep pretty fast given the circumstances that she got kicked all the time, Jay stayed awake for three more hours and watched her sleeping, was always prepared that she would wake up with contractions again but she seemed to be just fine and as he was pretty tired after these stressful hours, somewhen he simply couldn't keep his eyes open any longer.

On the following day everything was back to normal but Jay was still anxious anyway and made sure that Erin didn't do too much and begged her to rest as much as possible. She did him the favor and spent most of the day in bed, watching DVDs, but only with the requirement that he stayed there with her, so the whole day was about binge-watching Star Wars and trying whether they finally had service again so they could call Bill and their friends and family. But the telephone lines stayed dead all day.

Things didn't change for two more days either. They had no service, the road that led to their cabin was still impassable but at least it hasn't snowed ever since the crazy blizzard had covered the world around them in inches of snow. Instead the sun was shining and they spent a little more time outside again, tried to walk through the snow, built a snowman, had light snowball fights while their giggles and laughters resounded in the silence that surrounded them and simply enjoyed the extra vacation time they've been given, tried to make the best out of this situation. All of this also gave Jay some distraction and it helped him to sometimes forget about the fact that an unattended homebirth could still happen and got even more and more possible the longer they had to stay here. But for now Erin assured him constantly that she was feeling good, because she really was, and that there were no signs of Braxton Hicks or false labor or whatever it had been the other night and that their baby was still as active as always, punching against her stomach with all she had almost 24/7.

It was Saturday morning after sleeping in and then waking up when Jay tried for what felt like the 300th time in five days to dial Bill's number but other than the days before, his call got connected this time and the raspy voice of the old farmer answered on the other end of the line. For a moment Jay was so perplex, he failed in saying anything but then the words blustered out of him as he and his neighbor discussed what they could do so Jay and Erin were finally able to go back to Chicago. He also phoned with someone from winter road clearance and they told him that people from Chicago, two very angry and furious sergeants called Voight and Platt, have already contacted them to get someone to their cabin two days ago but as they were overstrained with the whole situation and hadn't known what to do first, they haven't been able to clear all the small roads that led to the farms and cabins yet. Jay was sure he's never heard someone apologizing that much before but he tried his best to convince the guy that he understood it and that they were doing fine.

The murmur of Jay's voice outside of the bedroom let Erin wake up and for a moment she considered the possibility that Jay maybe turned a little crazy and was talking with himself. But when she looked to his bedside table and didn't see his phone lying there she knew that her fiancé hasn't lost his mind yet but was rather phoning with his neighbor or people from winter road clearance. On the one hand she was sad that their extended vacation would now most likely come to an end soon but on the other hand she also felt relieved that they would be back in Chicago soon and could keep playing the waiting game there.

″Good morning,″ Jay smiled brightly when he stepped into the room in this moment and Erin could already tell from his face that he had good news to tell.

″Morning,″ she yawned. ″Guess our babymoon is over, huh?″

″Not yet, but soon,″ he winked and slipped under the covers again. ″Bill already talked with someone from winter road clearance earlier and I talked with them a couple of minutes ago, too, and they will clear the roads around here during the day so we should be able to leave tomorrow.″

″I will miss this peaceful place, the silence, maybe even the snow,″ Erin sighed laughingly and curled into his side. ″We should call Hank.″

″I just finished talking with him a couple of seconds ago. Chicago had a smaller snowstorm, too and the news reported about the blizzard here, so they all already assumed that this was the reason why we didn't call. But they were all really worried about us because they didn't know whether we're okay and unharmed,″ Jay said and also told her about how their people from Chicago had contacted the authorities here and how especially Hank and Platt had been breathing down their necks.

″Now I feel bad,″ Erin admitted, trying to push the thought away how hard these past few days must've been especially for Hank but also for the rest of their friends and Will of course.

″Me too. But he's okay and he's just relieved that we're fine, Er,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her hair and told her more about the things that were going on in Chicago and also that Bill and his wife have invited them for dinner in the evening to share stories about the happenings of the last few days.

The day passed just like the others had passed and in the afternoon they heard the snowplow that cleared the way to the main road. Jay went outside and exchanged some words with the driver, asked him about the general road conditions at the moment and thanked him for coming all the way up here to finally release them from being caught in the cabin and the driver told him that he would come back in the morning to salt the road again.

As they had accepted Bill's invitation they needed their car for the first time in nine days in the evening and after freeing it from the snow they were a little nervous at first that the cold and the snow has maybe been to much for their engine and it wouldn't start. But with the third try the engine revved and they could drive to Bill's farm some miles north.

Spending the evening with the old farmer and his wife was a welcome change after these long days in the cabin. They had an unbelievable delicious dinner, talked a lot about the blizzard which had been one of the craziest in decades and Erin also learned a little more about Jay's past again when old stories were told.

Later, when they lay in their bed, they both were fully aware that this was the last night here as just the two of them for a really long time and when they locked the front door around noon on the following day after an extensive breakfast and packing their stuff without stress, they both thought about the next time they would come here. That they would be a little family then and would bring their baby with them. Imagining this was a little sad as they'd created so many memories here already and the time they'd spent here as just the two of them had been the best time, but coming back here with Emilia, creating memories as a family, was simply the most beautiful thought and filled them with a whole lot of anticipation.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After returning to Chicago on the previous evening, it was time to get back into a daily routine on Monday. At least for Jay as he had to go back to work. Erin on the other hand had to find a new daily routine first now that she was on maternity leave. But as she had an appointment with Dr. Hanson at Med this day would at least not be completely boring and only consist of staring at walls. She dropped Jay off at the precinct in the morning as they had planned that she would also pick him up in the evening and tell their friends about their engagement on this occasion, and then drove to Med.

Just when she walked through the entrance she ran into someone she hadn't expected to meet here as he actually should be at work in the 21st and not at Med. He was carrying a bunch of red roses in his hands and was apparently about to leave the hospital.

″Mouse,″ Erin said as it seemed like her colleague was walking past her without even recognizing her.

″Ouh...uhm...hi Erin,″ he spluttered when he saw her, looking like a doe in the beam of the headlights. He forced a smile in the short moment he gazed at her and then stared at the roses in his hands again. Erin could tell that he felt a little uncomfortable with this situation. ″Uhm, what are you doing here?″ he managed to say and looked at her again, trying to act all casual.

″Routine check with little Halstead,″she winked, placing her hand on her how she found giant, almost 38-weeks bump.

″Oh, yeah, sure,″ he smiled. ″Not long now, huh?″

″We're getting there,″ she laughed. ″What are you doing here? Is someone sick?″ she asked although she was pretty sure she knew the reason why he was at Med. She knew that he had a crush on Sarah Reese, that he had been at Med quite often when Jay had been a patient and that he had continued to stop by every so often after Jay had been released from hospital. She also knew that the only dates they've had so far have consisted of drinking coffee in the cafeteria during their lunch breaks. But that was it. Either they haven't had a real date yet or Mouse hasn't told his best friend about it.

″Uhm...yeah...uhm, but it's not so bad and I'm already on the go, running late today,″ he said, trying to avoid a further conversation.

″You forgot to give that someone who's sick the flowers then,″ Erin said casually and watched how his cheeks blushed instantly.

″I...I bought them in the hospital shop a couple of seconds ago,″ he shrugged, realizing immediately that this answer didn't make any sense.

″For who? The dorks in the bullpen?″ she chuckled but Mouse didn't answer anything, just shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. He obviously wasn't in the mood of joking.

″I'm sorry,″ Erin said quietly. ″I think you should go in there in give her the roses, Mouse.″

″Who?″ Mouse asked back a little to fast and Erin sensed that her suspicion has been right.

″You should go in there and give her the roses like you planned to do it,″ she repeated her words and gave him a meaningful glance.

″I...I don't know what you mean,″ he stumbled.

″I think we both know what I mean,″ she smiled faintly. ″It's about time to make a step into her direction.″

″W...Wait...you know about me and...-″

″Reese? All I know is that you're having a crush on her for about four months now,″ Erin said.

″Did Jay tell you?″ he asked and Erin heard a furious undertone in his voice occuring.

″It's not like that he's walking around and tells everyone about it. But yeah, he told me about it. Only me. Because he was so happy that you've found a girl you like,″ Erin explained him all calm and Mouse nodded in response, seemed to accept this answer.

″No matter how much I like her, I don't even have the courage to ask her for a date although I promised myself I'll do it in 2017,″ he sighed, revealing little bits of what was going on inside of him.

″What are you scared of?″

″That she says no. I don't know,″ he shrugged. Erin felt bad for him, wanted to help him somehow but didn't know what she could do about it. She liked Mouse, they've become quite good friends and he deserved to be happy after everything that life has thrown on him already.

″Listen, I'm acutally the very last person who should give advice when it comes to such things like asking someone for a date. But Mouse, if you don't ask her the answer will always be no,″ she said, giving him an encouraging smile. ″You woke up with a mission this morning, man. So go in there, fight for what you want, give her these damn roses and ask her out.″

″It's not that easy.″

″It's exactly that easy,″ Erin disagreed. ″Is she still working on the ICU?″

″Uhm...no...oncology.

″Great, oncology is on the 3rd floor if I remember correctly, Labor and Delivery is on the 4th, let's go,″ she winked, placed her hand on his shoulder and pushed him into the right direction.

″Erin, don't...″

″Mouse, if you don't do anything about it she will go on and have a date with another guy at some point. She doesn't wait forever, so don't give her the chance to choose someone else over you,″ Erin said emphatically and pushed the button for the elevator.

″I can't,″ he said, sounded almost desperate and shook his head.

″You can. Just be you,″ she smiled and pushed him into the elevator as the doors opened.

″Alright,″ he finally nodded after the doors were closed and the elevator was on its way up to the third floor. ″Am I looking good?″

″Perfect, Mouse,″ she winked and gave him a pat on the back before they left the elevator together on the third floor as Erin wanted to make sure that he wouldn't turn around again, wouldn't be his own worst enemy again but would instead get his shit together and do what he apparently has wanted to do for a while already.

When they saw her standing in one of the rooms, Erin decided that it was now time for her to go. She gave Mouse another encouraging smile, told him another few words, gave him a pat on the back again and then left him to his fate.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Erin, how are you doing?″ Dr. Hanson greeted her and reached for her hand as she joined Erin in the examination room. One of the nurses has already started to do a CTG, so she was lying on her left side on the examination table, her head resting on a comfy pillow, the transducer fixated to her skin with bands around her belly, and has been listening to the steady heartbeat of her daughter for the last fifteen minutes. It was a welcome distraction and helped her to stop thinking about something she'd seen a couple of minutes ago on the oncology floor, when she'd walked to the staircase to take the stairs for this one floor between oncology and labor & delivery.

″I'm good. We both are,″ she smiled.

″Glad to hear that. The CTG looks perfect, too. Heartrate is great and no contractions yet,″ she said after taking a look at the monitor and started to put the band and the transducers off.

″I think I had Braxton Hicks or false labor last week while we were on vacation,″ Erin said when she rolled to her back.

″It's very common that first-time moms only feel this in the last four weeks of the pregnancy,″ Dr. Hanson explained and started to palpate Erin's stomach to check how the baby lay in there.

″First of all, she's still head down which is perfect, but she definitely dropped a little, so I guess what you felt was false labor,″ she confirmed.

″Did she?″ Erin asked.

″Yeah, she's further down than two weeks ago but she's still lying quite high, so you will most likely feel more false labor until she'll be born.″

″How do I know whether it's false labor or real labor?″

″How did you know last week?″ Dr. Hanson asked in response.

″It somehow didn't feel real,″ Erin shrugged.

″Exactly,″ Dr. Hanson winked. ″You will feel it when it's real, believe me.″

″Alright,″ Erin sighed. ″She will stay head down now, right?″

″It's unlikely that she will change her position now. Babies that already lie head down usually never change their position two weeks before the due date.″

″That's great,″ Erin smiled, hoping that her wild child wouldn't be the exception.

Dr. Hanson also checked Erin's cervix but it was still completely closed, made an ultrasound and afterwards told her that it didn't look like their baby would come within the next week or before her due date in general, which kinda wasn't what Erin wanted to hear. Now that they were back in Chicago she would appreciate it when Emilia would come earlier than the 26th as she was slowly but steady done being pregnant. But on the other hand she obviously needed all 40 weeks in there, so it was best for her when she stayed in there just as long.

″Do you already have a birth plan?″ Dr. Hanson asked after the ultrasound was done while she was making some notes on a chart and while Erin was pulling the elastic band of her jeans over her belly.

″Uhm...naah, not really,″ she said, pulled her pullover down and sat up. ″I don't want to have a c-section and I don't want to get induced if possible.″

″At the moment there's no need to consider a c-section and about induction we only talk once you are some days past your due date, so no worries on that side right now,″ she assured her. ″I think in the prenatal classes you also talked about pain relief in form of an epidural, have you thought about that?″

″No epidural and no other drugs,″ Erin answered immediately and shook her head.

″How's that?″ Dr. Hanson frowned.

″She was on antibiotics for the first three weeks of the pregnancy because of my pneumonia and she was also basically conceived while I took them, so there's no way she will also be born drugged out. She had enough poison thanks to me already.″

″Erin, an epidural is no poison and it will definitely not harm her. But it will help you to cope with labor and get a little rest,″ she explained.

″Yeah, maybe, but I don't want that. No drugs,″ Erin said again. Maybe it was also because of her own history that she was so vehement against any kind of drugs that could and would take the pain away from her for a while. She knew how it felt to be on drugs, how everything around one was blurry and seemed so far away and she definitely didn't want to give birth like this. ″But I like the thought of a waterbirth and then I couldn't have an epidural anyway, right?″

″That is correct,″ Dr. Hanson nodded. ″Maybe you will decide different when the day's here. Most women do.″

″Yeah, we'll see,″ Erin answered, smiling faintly, more because of necessity. She didn't want to do this with the help of drugs but she also knew that she would maybe come to a point where she simply couldn't do it without them. And in addition she got more and more nervous when she thought about the day that was so dangerously close now, the day that could be any day now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin walked through the ED, looking for the man who would soon be her brother-in-law. Her head was all over the place after the things she had seen before her appointment and her mind has already drew its conclusions although it was actually just the confirmation for something she had assumed a couple of weeks ago already.

″Erin?″ she heard the voice of a woman call behind her. She knew the voice but couldn't allocate it until she turned around and saw Natalie Manning walking towards her.

″Oh, hi Natalie,″ she smiled.

″Haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?″

″Given these circumstances pretty good,″ Erin answered.

″How much longer do you have?″ Natalie smiled as she glanced at Erin's round stomach.

″Two-and-a-half weeks, give or take,″ she sighed. ″What about you, how are you doing?″

″Also pretty good, thank you. My little man just started walking and keeps me busy,″ she laughed.

″Really? How old is he now?″

″Will celebrate his first birthday next week,″ Natalie grinned.

″Wow, time really flies these days,″ Erin said and slightly shook her head. ″Natalie do you know where Will is?″

″I think he's treating a patient in trauma one, I'll let him know that you're here.″

″Thank you.″

″No worries,″ Natalie said when she walked past Erin towards the trauma room. ″And Erin, good luck in case we don't see each other again before your special day,″ she winked before she opened the door and disappeared.

Erin walked up and down in the ED, trying to figure out how she should approach Will about this, what she should tell him, thinking for a second that it was maybe better to leave it and just go. But that was who she was, she couldn't just simply let something like this go although it was most likely the better option in this case. She sensed that she was about to step directly into another drama.

″Hey Erin,″ Will suddenly said next to her and she startled a little.

″Hi Will,″ Erin said and forced a smile.

″Is everything alright with you? And little Halstead?″ he frowned.

″Yeah sure, everything is perfect,″ she answered, placing her hand on her stomach automatically. The hand with the ring.

″Wait wait wait wait wait,″ Will grinned like a Chesire Cat when he saw the sparkling ring on her finger. ″Is this what I think it is?″

Erin looked down to her hand, to her perfect engagement ring, and felt like being caught. They'd wanted to tell Will together and now she'd messed it up.

″Damn, this wasn't the plan,″ she cursed quietly. ″Please act surprise when Jay's going to tell you, okay?″

″Cross my heart,″ he winked. ″I can't believe my little brother popped the question,″ he laughed and shook his head. ″I bet it was...Jay-like.″

″Of course it was,″ she grinned, remembering every single word of his proposal.

″I'm really happy for you, Erin,″ he smiled and hugged her shortly.

″Thank you,″ Erin also smiled. ″Uhm Will, I need to talk to you,″ she then said, biting her lower lip as she brought this conversation back to why she was here.

″Ooookay,″ Will frowned by the sudden seriousness in her voice. ″Go ahead.″

″Not here. Can we go somewhere private?″ she asked and Will's face got even more confused.

″Sure, follow me,″ he said and walked into the empty break room.

″What's wrong?″ he asked after Erin had closed the door behind herself. She took a deep breath, still not really having a plan how to do this, and then chose her words advisedly.

″Will I saw your father earlier..."

″Yeah? Where did you see him?″ he asked casually. At least he tried to.

″Oncology,″ she said and gave him a meaningful glance.

″Ouh,″ Will sighed, running his hand through his hair.

″Which stage?″ she asked quietly, scanning her brother-in-law sternly.

″How do you...-″

″I went through this with Camille,″ she interrupted him and had to swallow by these memories. ″I know what cancer does with people and I've already assumed this when he visited us three weeks ago. What kind of tumor is it?″

″It's leukemia,″ Will answered. ″He's on chemo but if he doesn't get a bone marrow transplantation within the next two weeks there's nothing they can do for him anymore.″

Erin needed a moment to proceed this information while her head put some puzzle pieces together into a picture she didn't like.

″Your bone marrow isn't a match I guess,″ she stated but talked more with herself than with him.

″Nope, it's not. And his is so rare, it's absolutely unprobable that we'll find a matching donor in time.″

Erin only nodded in response, prepared herself for the question she had to ask him, for speaking this inevitable thought out loud that got confirmed by his latest statement.

″But Jay's could be a match, right?″ she asked, looking directly into Will's dark brown eyes.

″It's possible,″ Will shrugged.

″It's possible or you already know it is?″ Erin dug deeper. The detective in her was fully awake now.

″Of course I took a look inside his file,″ he admitted. ″We would still need to run some more tests but it looks like he's a match.″

″Will, be honest with me,″ Erin said and took a deep breath. ″Did your father only come back into Jay's life because he hoped that he could save his life by giving him a bone marrow donation?″

″What? No! How can you think that?″

″How can I think that?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows. ″I'll tell you how I can think that. Your dad, who always treated Jay in a way no person on this planet deserves to be treated, reaches out for Jay after years of silence, apologizes for the things he's done and tells him he's proud of him. Turns out your father has a deadly disease and Jay can probably save his life. What am I supposed to think here Will, huh? Is it so wrong that I think he only contacted Jay because he needs him, not as a son, but as a donor, that he only reached out for him because the son he never loved and appreciated is probably the only person in the world who can keep him from dying?″ Erin asked and her voice was rising with every word that escaped from her lips.

″He changed, Erin,″ Will said and his voice was also a little harsher than usually. ″It was my idea to ask Jay about it. But dad didn't want this because he said Jay doesn't owe him anything and he doesn't want him to do this, not with the history they have. He only wanted to see him again, wanted to apologize, wanted to say goodbye. That's why I gave him your adress and Jay's number. I was the one who couldn't accept his decision and so I begged Jay to come here, tried to tell him about it but as soon as I mentioned dad he wouldn't even listen to me anymore,″ he said and a sardonic laughter filled the room.

″Can you blame him?″ Erin asked.

″No, of course I can't, it's a decision he made for himself that he doesn't want to have any contact with him. But he's my father Erin and although he isn't important to Jay anymore, he's important to me. I don't wanna lose him,″ he said and his voice got really low towards the end.

″Hey Will,″ Erin said and lay her hand on his arm supportingly. ″You'll find another donor, I'm sure.″

″Erin, Jay is his only chance at this point. We've been looking for a donor for three months already and now we're running out of time. Jay is the only option we have left,″ the young doctor explained and his voice came desperate. ″Can you...I mean...can you maybe talk with Jay about it? I wanted to approach him about it in the evening anyway, wanted to try it one last time before it's too late, but maybe it's better when you do it.″

Erin sighed by this huge request, remembering exactly how the conversation about his father had ended the last time. And it was something she didn't want to have again but what would happen again as soon as she mentioned his father.

″Erin please,″ Will begged as she didn't answer anything. ″I know this is a big request but I think the chances are better when you talk with him than when I do it.″

″You're right, Will, this is a big request. And even if he would be willing to do it, I can for sure tell you that he won't do it within the time your father needs the donation because the baby is due any day now and as long as she's not here, he won't do it.″

″It's just a small procedure for him, honestly. It takes about an hour and he can leave the hospital the day after,″ Will tried to convince her.

″Risks?″

″There's always risks when you do something under general anesthetic but other than that he will only have some bruises from the punctures. It's not a big deal, really Erin. He won't miss the birth of the baby because of it but he could save a life instead. And he'll be certified unfit for work for a week so you can wait together for little Halstead to arrive. You can get to him so much better than I, please try to talk to him,″ he pleaded and once again Erin needed a moment to think about all of this. She understood Will's point and that he wanted his father to live but she also knew Jay's answer already, knew that it would end in another fight. She also knew that he wouldn't want to have this procedure before the baby was here, she didn't want to have this either. But on the other hand, he could save a life and Jay was the life-saver kinda guy. And no matter that his father wasn't a part of their family, this somehow was family matter anyway and she should at least try to talk to him, tell him about his father's deadly disease and his prognosis. Maybe he would change his mind then, maybe not. But not even trying it at all was the wrong thing to do. And she knew she had a better chance than Will, so it was on her to do it although she didn't feel completely comfortable with this thought.

″Alright,″ she finally nodded. ″I'll tell him in the evening.″

″Thank you, Erin,″ Will said, let out a long breath and smiled faintly.

″Don't thank me now already. I will talk to him but I will not push him into anything.″

″I know, thank you anyway.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Walking up the stairs to the bullpen was a lot more strenuous now than it had been two weeks ago but Erin had to smile nonetheless when she reached the last step and saw all of her colleagues sitting on their desks. It seemed to be a low day and they obviously all just waited for Hank making the call to go home.

″Hey guys,″ Erin said and immediately all eyes were on her.

″Look who's here, a stranger,″ Adam grinned.

″You must really miss us, coming here on your first free day,″ Antonio laughed.

″Of course I miss you, what do you think?″ Erin asked smirkingly.

″And you even brought deep dish pizza, how do we deserve that?″ Kevin asked.

″Is this Uno's?″ Adam asked, eyeing the giant pizza box she now placed on Jay's desk.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded. ″We have something to celebrate,″ she winked and sat down in Jay's lap while their colleagues all gathered around them to get a piece of pizza.

″What do we have to celebrate?″ Al asked and sat down on the edge of Erin's desk across them while the other four took their chairs and sat around them in a circle. Only Hank still leaned on the doorframe of his office casually and scanned his pseudo-daughter, knowing pretty well what they had to celebrate. And Erin only had to look at him to know that he knew.

″Well,″ Erin grinned. ″Jay asked me a very special question on New Year's Eve...″

″...and Erin said yes,″ Jay finished her sentence and she held her hand up and showed them her sparkling diamond ring.

″You two are engaged?″ Adam asked like it was something out of this world.

″Was about damn time,″ Antonio laughed.

″Congrats kiddo,″ Hank said and Erin got up from Jay's lap, took the few steps towards him and kinda fell into his embrace. ″I told you he's a keeper. I'm really happy for you,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair.

″Thank you,″ she mumbled onto his chest. His words really meant the world to her.

″So when are you tieing the knot then?″ Antonio asked after they had been congratulated and hugged by everyone.

″Summer, maybe end of July. But we still have to figure that out,″ Jay winked.

″We leave you alone for two seconds and you get engaged,″ Adam laughed and acted like he still couldn't believe it.

They stayed in the bullpen for another two hours, ate pizza and drank sodas and talked about the days they'd been snowed in in Wisconsin. Somewhen they were also joined by Kim and Roman and of course Erin told her friend the whole story about the proposal and showed her the perfect ring she got. It was while they were all laughing about one of Adam's joke when Erin somehow hoped that this evening would never end. She enjoyed this distraction and knew what she had to do as soon as they would be home. Only thinking about it let the smile and happiness fall from her face. And Jay didn't miss how her behavior changed. He saw how she didn't really listen anymore, how she seemed to think about something different, how she forced her laughters and how she always smiled at him faintly when he scanned her sternly.

″Erin, is everything okay?″ he finally asked her during their car ride home.

″Yeah, sure. I just need to talk with you. But let's wait until we're in the apartment,″ she said and concentrated her gaze on the street, on the tail light of the car in front of her. No later than now Jay was really worried. She's had an appointment with her doctor today, maybe something was wrong with the baby.

″Is the baby okay?″ he asked with barely no voice and Erin immediately looked to him for a split second by this question.

″The baby couldn't be any better,″ she answered and lay her right hand on his thigh. ″It looks like our little lady will need all the time in there.″

″Yeah?″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″Her position is still quite high and after checking everything Dr. Hanson told me that she doesn't think Emmy will come before her due date.″

″This will be some long two-and-a-half weeks I guess,″ he sighed.

″Tell me about it,″ she agreed.

″So what is going on then, Er?″ he asked.

″I'll tell you as soon as we're upstairs,″ she said as she just in this moment parked the car in the parking lot in front of their apartment.

A couple of minutes later they tossed all their stuff in the hall and while Erin paid the toilet a quick visit and changed her jeans to some leggins, Jay already sat down on the couch, anxiously waiting for her so she could finally stop talking in secrets.

She shuffled back into the living room and after bringing them two glasses of water she sat down on the couch. But before talking to him she first took a long gulp like she was giving herself a liquid courage.

″Alright,″ she finally said and she felt his gaze burning on her. ″Promise me you'll listen to me and hear me out without freaking out.″

″Why should I freak out?″ he frowned.

″Please Jay,″ she pleaded.

″Erin, stop talking in secrets!″ She saw how he got furious and realized that it didn't make any sense like this. He would most likely not be able to keep himself cool either way, so she could simply tell him without this whole promising thing. She took another deep breath and prepared herself for the storm she knew was coming.

″It's about your father..-″

″You gotta be kidding?″ he interrupted her instantly and shook his head in disbelief, looked at her like she was out of her mind.

″Jay,″ she blurted and her voice came reedy, found its way right to his heart. ″Remember how I just begged you a couple of seconds ago to hear me out. Please do me the favor and listen first and freak out afterwards, okay?″

He didn't say yes and didn't say no, just sat there motionless and kept his gaze directly on her face as if he wanted to daunt her with it somehow. But she stood up to his glance and gave him the same one back.

″Thank you,″ she said, interpreting his silence as approval to continue. ″I saw your father at the oncology of Med today. He's sick Jay, your brother confirmed it to me when I talked to him earlier. He has leukemia and when he doesn't get a bone marrow transplantation within the next two weeks they can't do anything for him anymore and he will die in the next three months.″

″So what?″ Jay shrugged. ″I closed this chapter of my life and you know that. For me he died years ago and that he's now really dying doesn't change a thing.″

″Jay,″ she almost whispered. ″You've never been a person who doesn't give a care in the world and you don't have to prove me that there's no love left for him. I know meeting him affected you more than you want to admit.″

″Maybe it did, yeah. But I can't say I'm extraordinary sad that he's going to die. In the end everyone gets what they deserve and in the end we all die,″ he said bitterly.

At this point Erin didn't see a reason to beat around the bush any longer. His answer would be no anyway, no matter how much she tried to calm him down before dropping the bomb. So why holding it back.

″Jay, there is one person on this planet who can save his life by donating bone marrow. And this person is sitting in this room right now. It's the person I call my fiancé. It's the person I'll call my husband soon. It's the person Emilia will someday call daddy.″

Boom. These words definitely caught Jay off guard and had an effect on him, he couldn't deny that and it took him a moment to process this and find his words again but it weren't the words Erin has been hoping for.

″So that's why he sneaked back into my life?!″ he asked and his voice was at a dangerous level. He knew this wasn't Erin's fault but he couldn't hold his angriness back. ″After being the wrong son for so many years I'm suddenly the right son because I'm the one who can save his friggin' life?! Now he needs me because I can save his ass?! Oh this suits him so perfectly, it's incredible,″ he said and laughed sardonically.

″Jay he didn't come back into your life to ask you for doing this for him. He came to say goodbye,″ Erin called.

″Yeah, for sure,″ he snorted and shook his head in disbelief.

″Exactly, for sure,″ Erin said, bringing her voice back to a lower level. ″He didn't want to ask you because he knew you don't owe him anything and he knew you wouldn't do it given your history. It's Will who wanted to ask you on the day he begged you to come to the hospital because opposite to you he doesn't want to lose his father. That's why he begged me today to talk to you. I agreed on talking to you but I also told him that I won't push you into anything. And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm talking to you but I won't push you into anything Jay. It's your decision to make and I can only tell you what I think about it in case you want to hear it. I support you no matter what, okay?″ she almost whispered towards the end and lay her hand atop his, stroked his knuckles softly to give him some support. He could've pulled his hand away but he didn't. A moment of silence occured as Jay obviously thought about all of her words and Erin gave him the time he needed, patiently waiting for him to say something.

″I don't owe him this,″ he somewhen said into the silence and slightly shook his head but it seemed like he didn't know what to do, was fighting with himself.

″You don't,″ Erin agreed and they fell into silence again before Erin decided to go a step further, chosing her words advisedly once again.

″Jay, we both know you would do this for anyone in this city, for any stranger without further thinking about it. Don't do it for your father, do it for your brother.″

″I thought you wouldn't push me into anything, so what exactly are you doing there?″ he asked and his voice was a little more furious again as his eyes still directly focussed on hers.

″I'm trying to keep you from making a decision you'll regret someday, Jay,″ she answered all calm, never taking her eyes away from him although he lowered his gaze by her words. ″You can safe a life. No matter whose life it is, you can safe a life right there.″

″This isn't only about me, Erin,″ he said but his voice was a lot softer than before. ″It's also about you. About Emilia. This has to be done within the next two weeks and you can go into labor any day within the next two weeks. There's no way I'm going to do this and risk to miss my daughter's birth. And afterwards it'll be too late.″

″Babe,″ she mumbled and squeezed his hand. ″I can only tell you what Will told me and maybe you should better talk with a doctor about it but it isn't a big procedure. It'll take an hour and you'll be able to leave the hospital the day after.″

″I don't wanna miss this, Er,″ he whispered as he placed his hand on her stomach, caressed it with rubbing soft circles on it.

″You won't,″ she said and placed her hand next to his. His voice had come so broken, it almost was too much for her and she knew he fought a hard inner fight against himself at the moment as he tried to make one of the hardest decisions of his life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin lay in their bed three hours later while Jay was still in the bathroom, taking a shower, the decision has been made. While watching TV he had suddenly and out of nowhere told her he would do it. Would talk with the doctors, would run the necessary tests and would give him the bone marrow asap in case it was a match. It was what Erin had expected deep down inside. This was Jay. Letting someone die when knowing he could safe them wasn't him. Not even when it was his father. She had maybe even hoped that he would decide for doing it as she knew he would regret this one day otherwise. But at the same time she also was nervous of course. It was a surgery after all with the typical risks, there was always something that could go wrong so it was natural that she was scared that something bad would happen once again. But she tried to push these thoughts away, tried to stay calm and not giving her daughter a reason to come earlier because she was stressing herself too much.

″Listen Emmy,″ Erin sighed, placing both of her hands on her belly. ″I promised your daddy that you'll stay inside of me until everything is done. So please, please, please do me the favor and really stay inside and don't let me break this promise. Your daddy is a hero and is doing the right thing, so he doesn't deserve to get punished for it by missing your birth. Aside from the fact that I can't do this without him, you know? So please, little lady, stay in there for a little while longer and only decide to enter the world when he can be by my side,″ she said and blinked some times towards the ceiling to keep her tears from falling as she had the feeling that once again everything started to get too much for her...

* * *

 **Sorry to everyone who hoped Emilia would be born in this chapter but it's happening in the next two chapters, I promise! They're already finished and I'll post them over the weekend because I don't wanna let you wait for too much longer! Thanks for sticking with me! :)  
**

 **Please leave a review and tell me what you think, thanks :)**


	38. The Waiting Game

**Because I promised, so here you go! :)** **Thank you all for your constant feedback!**

* * *

 **38\. The Waiting Game**

No more hospitals before d-day. That was what Erin and Jay had agreed to in November after her collaps and the preterm-labor scare. That they would only come back when she was in labor and when it was time for Emilia to finally enter the world. And now here they sat, in the office of Dr. Fermont, the chief of oncology, waiting for the final test results, waiting for having a conversation with him how things would go on from here.

Hank had been far from being excited when one of his best detectives had asked him to get the morning off after he had just returned from vacation and had been at work for a day but after Jay had told him about his reasons Hank hadn't hesitated for even one second and had granted him to take off the time he needed for resolving all of this. After all it was a noble thing to do and of course the one week long medical leave he would be on after the procedure wasn't a problem as well.

When Dr. Fermont joined them, Jay could feel how Erin squeezed his hand immediately. All the time she has never let go of his hand and this was exactly the support he needed. He couldn't do all of this without her for sure. He watched his doctor anxiously as he sat down across them, maybe still slightly hoping that he simply wasn't a match, that a little detail of his blood wasn't the same as his father's. But life wasn't always a bowl of cherries.

″As expected, you're a match Mr. Halstead,″ Dr. Fermont said, bringing Jay back to reality. Now he had to face it. Now there was no going back, or was there? He felt how Erin even tightened the grasp around his hand and looked at him encouragingly. He let out a deep, long breath before he was even able to say anything, his mind still revolving about the drama he was in now. He was so much his mother, had her looks, her character, had always thought he had nothing from his father. But all the way along they've shared a blood group, shared genetic characteristics that could now save his old man from dying. Life really had a funny way sometimes.

″Alright,″ Jay finally said. ″So what's the plan now?″

″We'll extract a liter to one-and-a-half liters of bone marrow from your iliac crest in a couple of days and then your father will get it via an infusion. You will be admitted to the hospital the evening before the procedure, the following day we'll do it and it takes one-and-a-half hours max and after spending another night at the hospital you can go home and enjoy a week of medical leave without actually being in pain,″ the doctor explained.

″When can you do it?″ Jay asked.

″Your father needs two more sessions of chemotherapy before to give his body the best chance to accept your bone marrow, so doing the procedure on Sunday morning and giving it to your father on Sunday evening should be just fine.″

″Sunday?″ Jay echoed. ″Don't get me wrong but I'd really appreciate it if we could get this done asap because of the baby,″ he said, glancing to Erin's stomach for a second. He didn't want to wait until Sunday. The longer they waited the closer she came to her due date and Sunday meant Erin was just some short one-and-a-half weeks ahead of it.

″I'm afraid Sunday is the earliest we can do it.″

″Well then...-″ Jay started and Erin sensed that he was to reverse himself any second.

″Jay it's okay,″ she assured him. ″It doesn't feel like she will come anytime soon.″

″This feeling can change any day now Er,″ he disagreed and Erin saw the worry and discomfort in his eyes.

″It won't. She will stay inside of me, trust me,″ she said softly. She didn't only say it because this was what he needed to hear, she said it because her maternal instincts have kicked in more than ever and told her that they would have to wait a little while longer. At the moment she even sensed that they would have to play the waiting game beyond the 26th.

Jay's blue eyes met Erin's hazel ones as he stared at her, not knowing what to do, unwilling to believe her, struggling to make a decision that could have such giant consequences. But Erin seemed to be so sure about it and the longer he looked into her eyes, the surer he became that she was actually pretty convinced about the things she'd said. In Wisconsin she'd been right about not having real contractions because she'd been able to assess the situation better, because opposite to him she had maternal instincts which told her what was going on, which showed her to trust her body. So maybe he should simply not question and doubt the things she was saying but rather also trust her body, her maternal instincts. Trust her.

″Okay, so Sunday,″ he finally agreed, hoping that his life wouldn't punch him in his gut once again for doing the right thing.

″Great,″ Dr. Fermont smiled and explained them again in detail what would happen from now on. Since Jay had a quite dangerous job he told them that she should try not to harm himself and not to strain himself too much in the days to come, should maybe rather work the desk than work the streets, and then handed them some papers they could read and he should sign until Saturday evening.

When Jay stepped out of the office later he still didn't know how to feel about it, almost felt like a split personality. He knew it was the right thing to do but this didn't help him to feel better. Now he was in and he would do it, would save the life of the man who had made his childhood and teens a living hell. He didn't do it for him, he did it for his brother, did it because Erin had been right when she'd said he would do this for any other person in this city. Because he would. He would save any life if he had the chance to do it.

″Jay!″ the familar voice of his brother called behind them when they walked to the elevators, their fingers interlocked to give each other some comfort. They stopped and both turned around. Will walked towards them and without saying anything else he wrapped his arms around his brother's back and hugged him tightly.

″Thank you,″ he murmured and when he ended his embrace Jay saw tears welling in his eyes.

″I'm not doing it for him,″ he shrugged.

″I know,″ Will nodded. ″I will never be able to thank you enough for this. And thank you of course,″ he then said to Erin and also hugged her. ″Without you we wouldn't stand here now and I will also never be able to thank you enough for what you did.″

″We're a family Will,″ she said quietly.

″That we are,″ he nodded. ″In case you guys ever need something...you know...″

″Ouh, I think that costs you more than just one time babysitting, right?″ Erin grinned and gave Jay a little wink.

″For sure,″ Jay nodded and smiled faintly.

″I would like nothing better than to babysit my niece,″ he smiled.

″We'll count on that,″ Erin smirked.

″You can,″ Will confirmed. ″Uhm Jay...do you maybe wanna see dad, talk with him in personal?″

″No,″ he answered immediately and shook his head. ″Just because I'm saving his life doesn't mean it will change anything about our relationship. I'll do this but I still don't want to have any contact with him,″ he said. ″For now.″

″Okay,″ Will answered, accepting his brother's decision and his answer was at least not a complete refusal and there was hope that he would talk with him when the time was right for him. ″How about dinner on Friday?″

″Sounds like a good idea,″ Jay agreed. ″But no talk about him.″

″Sure. There's still the story about you guys being snowed in I don't know yet,″ he winked before they said goodbye. Before Jay went back to work to take his mind off with working their current case and before Erin went grocery shopping to stock up their empty fridge and to also take her mind off while filling her cart with all the things they needed.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The days that led to Sunday seemed to be endlessly long, even for Jay although he had more than enough work to do in the bullpen. For Erin it was even worse as she was bored beyond limits and spent all day with thinking about the things that were about to happen. She cleaned the apartment, laundered the rest of Emilia's newborn clothes and put them in the drawer, cooked dinner so they could eat in the evening when Jay returned from work, tried to take her mind off by zapping through the channels and following the things that flickered on the screen more or less interested. But as she didn't have to clean the apartment every day, didn't have to go grocery shopping every day and didn't have to do their laundry every day, she started to spend the mornings in the bullpen again, officially of course not for work but only for visiting her colleagues, bringing them breakfast or lunch, but ended up with helping them with their cases anyway. She didn't want to be alone at home and it was definitely not too strenuous for her to sit on her chair in the bullpen and listen to her colleagues, interposing her thoughts from time to time. Of course she didn't interrogate suspects anymore but just being in the bullpen for some hours, seeing something else than the walls of their apartment and spending time with the people she liked and loved, helped her to take her mind off, helped her to feel better. And Jay was also a lot calmer when she was with them and he could see that she was doing fine instead of looking at his phone every five minutes, waiting for the one call.

After what felt like the longest five days in history it was finally Saturday evening and Erin brought Jay to Chicago Med. One of the nurses showed him his room and brought him some light food. Dressed in sweatpants and a black shirt with a v-neck Jay sat on the edge of the bed and ate his dinner. It felt odd being back here, especially since he was completely healthy. There was something about hospitals he has never liked. The smell, the food, the nurses who walked in and out of the rooms every hour and kept their patients from sleeping, all the meds, the needles, the doctors with their concerned glances all the time, knowing how many sick people were here, how many of them died here every day. He's never understood how his brother could do this day in day out but he was also impressed by it as working as a doctor really required a lot.

″You'll be home in 48 hours, remember that,″ Erin, who sat right next to him, said when she saw how he picked at his food. He assumed she was most likely also saying this for herself.

″I know,″ he sighed but couldn't eat anything anyway. Erin could understand him because she wasn't hungry at all either and would most likely throw up if she had to eat something.

″I try to see the positive side of it: from Monday on we can drive us nuts 24/7 for a week out of boredom,″ she said and chuckled slightly.

″I've already made plans, no worries,″ he winked.

″Did you?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows. ″Will you tell me about them?″

″We can go to the zoo, we can discover some new parks, we can go to the Aquarium and the Art Gallery, we can look for places for the wedding, we can look for destinations for our honeymoon,″ he smirked mischievously.

″I especially like your last suggestion,″ she murmured and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

″Uh-huh,″ he chuckled. ″And next Saturday we'll go to the Bulls game, Sunday to the Blackhawks.″

″That's a lot of sports in one weekend,″ she stated and grimaced a little. She loved going to the games but two in two days was maybe a bit too much for her liking. On the other hand it was distraction, so maybe it wasn't the worst idea to attend them both.

″We have to do it as long as we still can,″ he grinned, rubbing her belly with his hand, earning some kicks instantly.

″Your brother just offered to be our babysitter whenever we need him, so I doubt these will be our last games for the next ten years,″ Erin chuckled.

″You got a point there,″ he smirked. ″You want me to give the tickets to Atwater and Ruzek?″

″Naaah, let's go there, it'll be fun,″ she winked.

″Good,″ Jay nodded. ″Because they already volunteered that I can willingly give them the tickets in case we have a date with the delivery room that day. I even think they hope for it somehow, so I really don't wanna give them the tickets,″ he added laughingly.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After staying with Jay for two more hours where they kept on to distract each other, Erin left him reluctantly around 9 in the evening. She wanted to come back early on the following morning, before they would bring him to surgery but it still was quite hard for her to say goodbye and Jay didn't want to let her go as well.

Sitting in her car on her drive home, she realized that she hasn't spent a single night away from him since he'd had his accident. And she had to admit, she didn't feel comfortable with the thought of spending this night all alone in their apartment, knew she wouldn't be able to sleep there tonight. But there was this one other place, where she maybe couldn't sleep as well, but would at least feel a little more comfortable tonight, the place that once had been her home and still felt like home whenever she was there.

She tossed some clothes into a small bag as soon as she was back at home and then drove to Hank's house, letting out a deep breath when she saw the light flickering in the living room. She grabbed her bag, stepped out of her car into the cold night and walked straight to the big, wooden front door, knocking on it loudly instead of using her key and scaring Hank to death. It took a while until she heard noises in the hall and she sensed he was once again lurking around with his gun in his hands.

″Hank put the gun down,″ she said and literally a second later he opened the door.

″What are you doing here, kid?″ he asked, a look of confusion and curiosity on his face.

″I just brought Jay to the hospital and I didn't want to spend the night alone...″ she said. ″Can I maybe stay here tonight?″ she asked shyly and her cheeks blushed a little. She knew her old room was Daniel's room now but Justin's old room was a cozy guestroom with a giant bed that just waited for someone to sleep in it.

″I hope you know that the answer would always be yes, Erin,″ Hank smiled.

″Thank you,″ Erin also smiled and followed him into the house, tossed all her stuff in the hall and joined him in the living room.

″Have you already had dinner?″ he asked.

″I'm not hungry.″

″Erin you need to eat something, you will soon need all your power and I'm sure your baby is hungry. I have some leftovers from dinner, nothing spectecular, just pasta,what do you say?″

″Can't say no to your pasta, right?″ she smiled faintly.

″That would break my heart,″ he nodded and a raspy chuckle escaped from his lips.

While Erin sat down on the dining table, Hank heated her dinner up for her and then brought her a plate full of pasta and a glass of water. They even managed to have a conversation where the words bone marrow and all the stuff related to it weren't mentioned but instead Erin told Hank more about the days in Wisconsin as she hasn't had the opportunity until yet and he only knew the few things they had told all of their colleagues the other day when they had also told them about their engagement.

After finishing to eat Hank told her that she looked beyond tired and exhausted and that she should try to catch some sleep. She didn't feel too bad, just mentally exhausted and strained but she agreed and went upstairs, took a long, hot shower, slipped into her pajamas and dried her hair a little before lying down in the cozy bed all alone. It was while trading some texts with Jay, who couldn't sleep as well, and watching the rerun of a casting show on TV when she felt the familar pain of Wisconsin making a comeback. Hoping that it wasn't a precursor, an indication of upcoming real labor this time either but was just false labor again because her daughter slowly but steady dropped into the right position for her imminent birth, Erin tried to stay calm by breathing through it in a steady rhythm.

Surprisingly, concentrating on her breathing not only helped her to stay calm and the false labor to fade but also lulled her into a much needed sleep when her eyes simply fell shut in between inhaling and exhaling deeply.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin walked into the kitchen on the following morning she felt surprisingly well rested. Given all the current circumstances sleeping from midnight to 4am in the morning wasn't that bad but after waking up shortly after 4am because she had to pee, she hasn't been able to go back to sleep as suddenly all the nervousness has made a comeback. So she'd laid awake, had told herself over and over again that it was just a really small, uncomplicated procedure and that there was no reason to be extraordinary nervous, had turned around from one side to the other impatiently which was quite some work with the current size of her stomach and had then somewhen settled on her back as Emilia preferred once again to always kick and box her into the side she laid on. So the two hours until she had heard Hank walking down the stairs had consisted of rubbing her stomach, of boxing back sometimes, of watching her baby's crazy movement that made her wonder whether their daughter would maybe try to box and kick her way out into this world.

″Why are you up already?″ Hank asked her when she joined him in the kitchen and sat down on the small table there. He was already occupied with making pancakes. Just for her. She hasn't had them in forever and knowing that he made some to make her feel better was one of the best feelings in the world, made her heart pound and warm.

″Wild child doesn't think I need that much sleep,″ she sighed.

″Not long now Erin,″ he said and gave her an encouraging smile before filling more batter into the pan.

″Yeah, I know. I wanted to get up early today anyway so I can see Jay before the surgery, but 4am wasn't the plan,″ she yawned. ″When Jay's back home tomorrow evening I hope this whole waiting game comes to an end soon. Like really soon. Tuesday would be great, Wednesday would also be okay, Thursday would still be acceptable, that would make 39 weeks. I'm so done being pregnant, you can't imagine.″

″Oh, I can. Camille started complaining like this in week 34, so you're pretty good,″ he smirked.

″It's not so much about complaining, I'm happy she's still in there and although it's quite hard I try to enjoy it. I just can't wait to sleep like a normal human being again, comfortably and without having her feet in my ribs and in my sides. I can't wait for the day I don't have to pay the toilet a visit every two hours anymore. I can't wait to sit on a chair again without having the feeling that everything inside of me is squished together. I can't wait to wear normal clothes again. And of course I can't wait to meet her,″ she smiled. ″But I have a feeling our little lady won't do me the favor and come even a day early. She will rather come late, I'm calling it,″ she sighed with a laughter, not knowing how right she was about her suspicion.

″Even if she would come late, Erin, it's just a sign of how well she feels inside of your belly and that being said, it's a proof of what a hell of a job you're doing there,″ he smiled and Erin felt her cheeks blush a little. ″You've come a long road since the beginning of your pregnancy.″

″Mhm,″ she only nodded in response. Thinking back to the beginning of her pregnancy, to how she almost decided to kill her own child that she now already loved with all her heart, was something that sent chills down her spine, that forced her swallow hardly every time she thought about it.

″When is Jay's procedure?″ Hank changed the topic and she startled from her thoughts.

″It's scheduled for 10, so it should be done by 11 to 11.30,″ she answered, got up and put some plates out of the cupboard to set the table.

″Do you want me to come with you?″

″Would you...?″ she asked perplexedly.

″I don't wanna let you wait there alone to be honest and time always moves faster when you have some company. But if you rather want to be for yourself I also accept that of course.″

″No...uhm...I'd appreciate it when you come with me. A lot,″ she smiled, feeling a little bit of her nervousness fade as she now knew she wouldn't have to watch the seconds ticking down on the clock for 90 minutes.

Hank and Erin enjoyed a delicious breakfast together and after she's had the feeling that her stomach would riot any second after she'd waken up earlier, she was surprised that she was now able to eat four pancakes although she'd thought that she wouldn't be able to eat anything at all. But Hank's pancakes always worked wonders and so she felt quite good when they later arrived at Chicago Med. She tried to not worry too much but did her best to stay as positive as possible. The doctors here made such small procedures every day, it was routine and everything would turn out just fine.

″Hey babe,″ she smiled when she walked into Jay's room while Hank was waiting outside. He was already wearing his gown for the surgery and the needle for the IV was already in his arm as well.

″Hey beautiful,″ he smiled back and enjoyed the kiss she placed on his lips. ″How are you doing?″ he asked, cupping her cheek with his hand and stroking it softly with his thumb.

″I'm good, what about you?″

″Since you're here I'm good, too,″ he smiled. ″What about wild child?″

″Well, wild child is...wild,″ she laughed.

″So nothing new there, huh?″ he grinned.

″Nope,″ she smirked and snuggled closer to his side, enjoying almost an hour of undisturbed closeness that helped to take their nervousness away. At least a little. Jay told Erin about his mostly sleepless night and how he had spent almost the whole night with watching TV. He wasn't nervous because of the surgery, maybe a little, but not too much. It was because he still feared that she could go into labor while he was in the OR, saving his old man's life and missing the arrival of the life they'd created. And although he had told himself over and over again that it was highly unlikely that a first-time-mom would give birth in three hours or less and that he therefore wouldn't miss the birth even if she went into labor while he was in the OR, he didn't feel comfortable with this situation. He wanted to be there, every step of the way, from the first contractions to the last, holding her hand and supporting her just as he had promised it.

But he didn't tell Erin about all of this, she was nervous enough already, he knew it and there was no need depress her with all the things that had kept him awake last night.

So Erin told Jay about spending the night at Hank's and even teased him that she has brought some pancakes for him which he could eat after the surgery. Jay complained how mean it was to mention this now, as he was already starving because he had to be empty, but she kept on teasing him that he could call himself lucky if she wouldn't eat all the pancakes until he would be able to eat them. It was exactly the kind of banter their relationship was built on, the kind of banter they needed on a morning like this, the kind of banter that let them forget the world around them for a moment.

All of this found quite a sudden end when two nurses came in and told them that it was time. They shoved Jay's bed out of the room and Erin accompanied them until the doors of the OR, hugged him tightly, gave him another long kiss and told him that she loved him and of course he did the same. At this point they were also joined by Will and he promised Erin that he would keep an eye on everything. The doors closed and Jay disappeared behind them and while Erin walked back to the waiting area, the anesthetist injected the narcosis into Jay's IV and told him to count to ten. Reaching three everything around him turned black.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Hank sat in the waiting area and saw Erin walking towards him. Gone was the woman who had played strong earlier this morning, now she was a picture of a misery and when she came closer he saw tears running down her face. His heart immediately dropped to his knees, fearing that once again something has happened she didn't deserve.

″What's up?″ he asked and got up from his chair, ready to hold her tight in case she needed it.

″Nothing,″ she shrugged and wiped her tears away with her hand. ″Just me hyperventilating under the influence of these bloody hormones.″

″Come here, kiddo,″ Hank said softly and gave her a long hug before the both of them sat down, Erin's head resting on his shoulder.

″It's so stupid,″ she said with a cracky voice, inhaling deeply.

″It's not Erin. It's a normal reaction,″ he assured her.

″This is definitely not a normal reaction. Not for me. It's a small procedure with almost no risks and I KNOW he will be fine but I can't keep myself together anyway.″

″Don't be so hard with yourself. You love this guy, so why should it be a bad thing showing emotions regarding him?″ Hank asked.

″I don't know,″ she answered quietly. ″I guess it just brought back too many memories from when I thought I'm losing him forever.″

″He will be back driving you nuts tomorrow when he plays super sick and wants you to take care of him 24/7,″ Hank grinned and Erin lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him with teary eyes.

″He would never do that. At least not at the moment. He rather wants to take care of me 24/7,″ she grinned.

″Good for him. Otherwise a serious talk between me and him would've been necessary.″

″I can imagine that,″ Erin chuckled before they fell into a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes. But only as long as Hank sensed it was okay for Erin to say nothing at all. When he saw how she started to rub her palms nervously and how she couldn't take her gaze off the clock across them, he decided that it was better to keep her occupied somehow.

″Olive is pregnant again,″ he said out of the blue.

″What?″ Erin asked and a bright smile appeared on her face.

″They told me on Christmas before you and Jay arrived. I'm actually not supposed to tell anyone as it's still early but I guess you can keep a secret and act surprised when Justin tells you,″ he smiled.

″Of course,″ Erin laughed. ″This is incredible. And fast. When is the baby due?″

″Mid-July. They wanted them to be close in age so they can grow up together. And they want to move back to Chicago before the baby will be born.″

″Yeah, that's what Justin told me, too. But he forgot to mention the little detail about the baby,″ she laughed and shook her head. ″Your house will be full of little kids this summer, huh?″

″Looks like, yeah,″ he grinned and Erin saw the anticipation for barbecues and garden parties and kids in sandboxes and kiddie pools in his face.

They kept on talking about this for a little longer and Erin had some struggles to not reveal her daughter's name in front of Hank. When she talked with Jay about her they both almost always talked about her as Emilia or Emmy but for everyone else her name was supposed to stay a secret until they could introduce their daughter to their family and friends in person.

Somewhen in between these talks, between Hank trying to keep Erin distracted and Erin being thankful for exactly this distraction, Dr. Fermont approached them without them even recognizing it at first.

″Ms Lindsay?″ he asked and only now she saw the tall doctor with the fair gray hair and the glasses coming closer. She felt her heart drop a little but reminded herself to stay cool. Everything was fine, she knew it.

″Are you done already?″ she asked, taking a look at the clock. It's just been a little more than an hour.

″Yes,″ he confirmed smilingly. ″We have one-and-a-half liters of best bone marrow and everything went as perfect as could be expected.″

This statement was enough to take the load off her mind. All of it. They had overcome another drama without further damage and from now on they could fully concentrate on Emilia's imminent birth and on their life as a family. She felt so relieved in this moment, she had to keep herself together from letting happy tears fall from her eyes.

″Can I see him?″ she asked and swallowed her emotions down.

″He's in recovery and not awake yet but you can see him and be there when he wakes up if you want.″ Of course she wanted, was this even a question?

″Yes, please,″ she pleaded.

″Alright, follow me.″

She got up and so did Hank. He told her that he would go home now, would give them their well-deserved alone-time, would maybe come back in the evening with the rest of the unit. She hugged him tightly for goodbye. It was more than just a hug. It was a thank you for everything he's done for her in the last 24 hours, for simply being there, for going through this with her, for taking care that she didn't have to face this alone, for being the person she needed so much in her life, her father.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay's eyes were still closed when she sat down in the chair right next to his bed in recovery. He looked so peaceful, completely different than the last time after his surgery, and other than the IV in his arm that supplied his body with some liquids and vitamins there were absolutely no tubes or anything else, not even a heart monitor, no additional oxydgen which she assumed was the best sign possible. She took his hand in hers, stroked it softly and then brought it up to her face to place a kiss on the back of his hand.

She didn't know how long she's been sitting there, maybe around half an hour, waiting patiently for him to wake up, when his bright blue eyes fluttered open and when he checked his surroundings a little confused in the beginning.

″Hey babe,″ she said and squeezed his hand.

″Erin,″ he whispered and smile flashed across his face as he recognized this raspy voice immediately. He blinked some times to get a clearer vision and slowly but steady the blurry picture faded and he saw the beautiful face of his fiancée smiling at him happily. ″How long was I out?″

″Just two hours,″ she told him. ″Everything went in the best possible way. Do you have any pain? Feel nauseous?″

″No, nothing,″ he answered and shook his head. ″Just feeling a bit high.″

″That will fade,″ Erin winked, changed her position from the chair to the edge of his bed, leaned in, brushed her finger over his lips and then placed a gentle kiss on them.

″How do you feel, Er? Everything alright?″

″Yeah...yeah...now everything is perfect,″ she smiled and couldn't hold back to kiss him again.

Jay was transfered to his room half an hour later, slept a little more and was already allowed to get up by himself and to change into his comfy clothes in the afternoon. As he was allowed to eat as well, Erin gave him Hank's pancakes and although it wasn't easy for him to admit, Hank Voight's pancakes were a complete different level than the ones he always made and for sure the best he's eaten yet.

Will checked by some times during the afternoon and they spent the time until all their friends came to visit Jay in the evening with playing some rounds of Uno. When all of their favorite colleagues from the 21st, including Platt and even Roman, came in the evening, the room ran a little out of space. They brought Chinese takeout and some sodas, so all of this was more a casual evening of a group of friends than a sick bed visit. If it wasn't a hospital they could've had a lot more fun this evening of course but this was still the best way possible to end the day.

Erin went home again with Hank, spent another night in the guest room of his house. She didn't even know why but she had the feeling that it was the right thing, sensed that she would sleep better in an unfamilar bed than in her own where she was used to have Jay next to her.

Of course she didn't know whether she would've slept just as good in her own bed but on Monday morning she felt better than all the mornings of the previous week ever since she'd known that Jay was undergoing surgery. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that it was over now, that she didn't have to worry anymore, didn't have to be nervous anymore, that she was just about to take her hero home later and could spend a week at home with him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay was already waiting anxiously when Erin finally walked into his room. He had signed the discharge papers first thing in the morning, even before breakfast, and he couldn't wait to get out of here as fast as possible.

As the end of Erin's pregnancy was near now, she had appointments with Dr. Hanson once a week and so she had one today. Jay was happy that he, opposite to last week, could be with Erin today and fully enjoyed this first advantage of his medical leave as he listened to the steady heartbeat of their daughter during the CTG and later saw their almost full-term baby on the screen when Dr. Hanson made an ultrasound. Dr. Hanson took Erin's hopes that their baby would be born soon when she told her afterwards that there were still absolutely no indications that she would go into labor soon. Talking from her experience she even said that it looked like it would be at least the 26th, maybe even later, which basically, and much to Erin's disfavor, confirmed the feeling she's had for a while now.

Coming home a little later in the morning, they made themselves comfy in their bed, their backs resting against a couple of big pillows. Jay placed the laptop in his lap and Erin rested her head on his shoulder when they started to look for destinations for their honeymoon. Not that they already wanted to book something, they didn't even have a date for the wedding yet, but just scrolling through all these sites with pictures of white beaches and clear, turquoise water, of breakfast buffets in 5* hotels and rooms with tester beds was enough to let them start dreaming. And dreaming it was indeed, because destinations like the Fiji Islands, Mauritius or the Maldives were simply out of any reachability as it was way too expensive and spending 19, 33 or 37 hours traveling only to get there was for sure nothing to aim.

″So Hawaii is a destination that comes into question,″ Erin summarized in the end. ″Or the Bahamas.″

″I still like the Fiji Islands better,″ Jay smirked.

″You a Rockefeller now?″ she laughed.

″Hawaii is not that much cheaper. I mean, I would like to see my then-wife in a little hula skirt though,″ he said and a mischievous grin rushed over his face.

″Keep on dreaming,″ she answered all dry. ″Because this is definitely not going to happen.″

″We'll see,″ Jay smirked. ″I'm sure they also have these little hula skirts on the Fiji Islands, so that shouldn't be a problem,″ he kept on teasing her.

″Jay, Fiji is a 19 plus hours trip, Hawaii is around eleven to twelve which is already long enough with a baby, don't you think? And the Bahamas are only aroud six hours away, so that would be the best option maybe.″

″Waaaaait,″ he said, furrowing a brow by these words. ″You want to take her with us?″

″Uhm, sure, what do you think?″ she asked and now she was the one who looked at him like he has lost his mind. ″Leaving her here like, mommy and daddy will come back next week but we're sure you'll manage your life?″ she chuckled.

″Of course not like this. But it's our honeymoon, Er.″

″Yeah and we will be parents then,″ she winked. ″Our life will be completely different from now on.″

″I know that, believe me. But a honeymoon with a baby is not the same.″

″You scared that we wouldn't be able to play scrabble as often or...?″ she joked and had to laugh a little when he grimaced.

″That's not the reason,″ he answered and shook his head. ″I just think honeymoon is something we should enjoy as a couple. Just the two of us. It's not like that we go for two weeks. We can leave her with Hank for a week, then we can come back and still spend a week at the cabin with her. How about that?″

″I don't know,″ Erin shrugged. Of course she wanted to go on honeymoon just with him but this wasn't about just them anymore. There was now this little human being joining them soon and they had to consider all the consequences of their decisions for her as well. And she didn't know whether she could leave her then 6-months old baby alone for a week while she was a 19-hours flight trip away.

″Let's decide this in a couple of weeks, okay?″ she asked. They wanted to go to a beautiful beach or maybe to Europe, something like Paris, and they now knew their possibilities, had of course also checked other destinations than just Hawaii, the Bahamas and Fiji and Paris, places in South America and all over Europe and also Canada where they could go, but they didn't want to rush anything and they still had time.

″Of course,″ Jay smiled and kissed her temple. ″I guess I'll dream about you in a little hula skirt for the next six months until I actually see you in one,″ he chuckled afterwards.

″Sounds like a nice dream and you can even dream about this for the rest of your life, babe, isn't it awesome?″ she teased him, biting her lower lip playfully and grinning at him innocently. She had a way to drive him nuts for sure.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The week of Jay's medical leave passed fast. One day they went to the zoo although they had only been there with Noah a couple of weeks ago. But Erin liked the thought of walking around all day as she'd read that walking could help to encourage and induce labor, so this would maybe give their baby a push to finally hit the road.

Instead of going into labor the waiting game continued as Emilia had a mind of her own and didn't even think about doing them the favor to enter this world while Jay was on medical leave and Jay always teased Erin that their daughter had her stubbornness definitely from her, already showing how much of Erin's character she had. Other than that her back pain increased a little and that she had false labor and Braxton Hicks again, everything stayed the same.

So they tried to enjoy their last days two in two, took it as a bonus they've been given to have some more alone-time, strolled through parks, still hoping that Erin could walk their baby out somehow, went to the Aquarium and other museums but also spend a lot of time with just relaxing on the couch and watching movies or Netflix all day long.

As they had planned, they went to the Bulls and Blackhawks game on the weekend and went out for dinner in some nice little restaurants afterwards, enjoying these date nights as they didn't know when would be the next time they could simply go out in the evening, stroll through the city and go into a restaurant that looked nice and had some delicious meals on its menu.

The only thing they didn't do during all this time was visiting Jay's father but after all Jay had asked his brother how he was doing which was a sign that he cared about him a little more although he was still not ready to face him. Will told them that things looked good so far, that it looked like his body wouldn't reject the bone marrow but that it was still too early to tell that he was out of the woods as he was in a critical phase now and would stay in it for at least four more weeks because every little cold could kill him. When everything was still good in four weeks it was safe to say that he would make a full recovery.

Monday morning arrived and Jay had to go back to work which was something he didn't like so much because it meant he had to leave Erin alone. But when she didn't have to do anything in their apartment, didn't have to go grocery shopping or didn't have an appointment at Med, where she had to go in a 3-day-rhythm now, she drove straight to the 21st district around noon, brought their colleagues lunch and spent the afternoon in the bullpen, the bag for the hospital being always in her car now. On one hand Jay wanted Erin to rest and therefore stay at home but on the other hand he felt a whole lot better when she was in the bullpen with them. Leaving her in the morning was the hardest thing for him and he was a wreck inwardly, his nervousness reaching a dangerous level. He tried his best not to show this in front of his team members but of course they all saw him looking at his phone every two minutes and even without this they knew how he felt, could emphasize with him and tried their best to distract him, to calm him down and of course sometimes also teased him about it.

The 26th of January came and passed without anything special happening that day. Erin had to go to Med again in the morning and now had to come in every two days as she was basically overdue. Afterwards she went back to the bullpen and in the evening she and Jay went to the theater to get some distraction from their frustration and tried to forget about the fact that today should've been the day they've waited for so long.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Antonio celebrated his birthday in Molly's on Saturday evening and although he had told Erin that he understood it if she wouldn't come, she came. She was sick and tired of this whole waiting game and she rather spent the evening with her friends at Molly's, regardless that she was two days past her due date, than in their apartment, waiting for something to happen when she still didn't have the feeling that this something would happen soon. Of course everyone of the firefighters and nurses and doctors she didn't have that much contact with usually asked her this evening how she felt and how far along she was and when she answered she was two days late all casual, everyone looked at her with wide eyes and asked her why she was here then. And every time she explained them that there was nothing she hated more than waiting so she was thankful for all the distraction she could get.

Erin and Jay sat next to each other on one of the tables with the benches, across Kevin and Adam, drinking water and beer and talking nonsense once again, when Mouse joined them, a little shy as always.

″Uhm, do you have a minute,″ he asked and looked to Erin and Jay.

″Sure,″ Jay nodded and got up.

″I meant Erin,″ Mouse admitted and laughed nervously.

″Ouh,″ Jay also laughed. ″You now pinch my best friend?″ he grinned to Erin and raised his eyebrows.

″Looks like, huh?″ she chuckled. ″Try not to be too jealous,″ she winked when she walked past him and followed Mouse who unfortunately went outside into the dark night.

It wasn't too cold for end of January but of course Erin shivered after only two seconds and hoped that they wouldn't stay here for too long. Getting sick was the last thing she needed right now.

″Oh sorry, should've told you we go outside as it's so much quieter here,″ Mouse said and instead of slipping into the jacket he was holding in his hand, he gave it to Erin, placed it around her shoulders.

″Better?″ he asked.

″A lot, thank you,″ she smiled at the young tech-whiz. ″So, what's up?″ she asked. Given the fact that he wanted to talk with her alone, outside, she was pretty sure to know what was up.

″I need your advice on something,″ he said.

″Go ahead,″ Erin winked and no matter that it was dark, she saw how his cheeks blushed.

″So...uhm...Sarah and I have a date tomorrow,″ he started and the cutest little smile surrounded his lips. ″But I have no idea where to go and I thought...maybe you can give me a tip? I mean, where did Jay take you for your first date? Where did you have your first date?″

″In Jay's bedroom,″ Erin answered all dry and without beating around the bush.

″Ouh...″ Mouse stammered by her unexpected honesty.

″Mouse, Jay and I were friends before for quite some time and there was always this...magic and attraction between us. It was normal for us to go to bars together in the evening, so we completely skipped that classical part of having dates,″ she chuckled slightly. The only thing one could consider a date before she had appeared in front of his apartment after a shitty day at the task force was the evening of her high school reunion and this was long before something really happened between them.

″Okay,″ he nodded and still tried to process this information. ″But do you have any ideas where we could go? I thought about the Art Gallery or a museum but maybe she finds it boring and...″

″Mouse,″ Erin said and lay her hand on his arm. ″Does she like art? History?″

″Yeah, she does. That's at least what she told me,″ he shrugged.

″Then I think the Art Gallery is a perfect idea,″ Erin smiled.

″Yeah?″ he asked and his face lighted up.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″And afterwards you should take her to one of these nice, little restaurants in the Loop.″

″Okay...I don't have to wear a suit, do I?″

″That would be a little overdressed I guess,″ she grinned. ″Wear something casual, clothes you like and just be you, that's it Mouse.″

″Alright,″ he said and took a deep breath. ″Something casual,″ he repeated her words quietly. ″What about flowers?″

″Well, she would have to take them with her into the Art Gallery then...but bringing her a single rose should be just fine,″ she said and Mouse nodded in response. She could see how he already imagined the following day in his head. ″Will you pick her up?″

″Uhm...no, we will meet somewhere.″

″Mouse, go and pick her up,″ Erin ordered and had to suppress a slight chuckle this time as it was just so cute how helpless he was.

″Okay, I will pick her up. Anything else?″

″Don't forget to breathe and enjoy it,″ Erin grinned. ″It's going to be great, Mouse.″

″I hope so,″ he answered and smiled faintly. ″Thank you Erin.″

″No worries,″ she winked.

″And Erin...can this stay between us?″

″I promise,″ she said all serious and linked arms with him while walking back into the bar. Of course Jay was quite curious what his fiancée and his best fried had talked about outside but no matter how hard he tried to get the two of them talking, they kept their little secret.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was long after midnight when they lay finally under the covers in their bed that night but these days none of them was able to sleep. So they enjoyed some late night cuddles while Jay was drawing circles onto her stomach, while he tickled her belly softly, while he told their daughter that she should come out now as they preferred to end the waiting game at this point. Jay knew Erin was exhausted, couldn't sleep at night, was tired of waiting, was done being pregnant and just wanted it to be over now as her back started aching more and more. He also knew she gave her best to stay positive about it but she was snapping at him more often again and wasn't in the best mood in general. He could understand her, he also wanted it to happen by now, didn't want to wait any longer but at the moment he could do nothing more than support her in the best way possible and try to tell her that the end was in sight and of course giving her back some well-deserved massages three times a day.

When their eyes somewhen fell shut because regardless their nervousness they were so tired that they couldn't keep them open anymore, they didn't know how soon the waiting game would be over...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and tell me what you think :) Already going a little bit ahead here, I'd love to know what you think about their honeymoon: alone or with Emilia? And where should they go?**

 **Next chapter is the one you've been waiting for... ;)**


	39. A Beautiful Story

**Thank y'all so much for your ongoing support! So here it comes, the chapter you've been waiting for...I really hope you like it! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **39\. A Beautiful Story**

Life has its own rules and creates stories that sometimes feel like a joke. Life is unpredictable and sometimes has a funny way to play with fate.

Not only once during the last nine months, Erin and Jay had feared that their baby would be born early, maybe too early to survive, maybe unassisted so no one would be there to help them in an emergency and they had therefore prayed that she would stay inside where she was safe for a couple more weeks. Multiple times they had told their daughter that she should stay in Erin's belly until she was supposed to enter this world, until she was strong enough, until they could go to a hospital for the delivery. And she had listened to them. Maybe a little too good. Because now here they were, three days past Erin's due date, still waiting, getting more and more impatient, and constantly telling their baby that she should and could come by now. But they weren't the ones who pulled the strings here, the ones who made the rules. Life pulled the strings, life made the rules, life was the playmaker and life was about to create a beautiful story for them...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A ray of sunshine that found its way through the curtains into the bedroom on Sunday morning let Jay wake up. He blinked sometimes and turned to Erin's side of the bed. Of course she was awake already, it was almost 9am after all and there was no chance for her to sleep that long. She leaned against some pillows and scrolled through some things on her phone, didn't even recognize how he stared at her.

″What are you doing?″ Jay yawned and pulled himself up on his elbow.

″Checking out tips how to induce labor naturally,″ she said and kept her gaze focussed on her phone.

″And did you find something useful?″ he asked.

″Naah, not really, but we can at least try some of this stuff,″ she grinned at him, a glance of roguery in her eyes. ″I have a plan for today.″

″Do you?″ he asked, getting a little curious. ″Does your plan have to do with this stuff or how you called it?″

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″We need to have sex, lots of sex,″ she laughed without keeping him on tenterhooks any longer and his eyes widened to an unimaginable size. They haven't had sex since the night he had proposed to her as she hasn't been in the mood, felt heavy and fat and uncomfortable. For Jay she was still the sexiest woman alive though and he loved every single bit of her body, her full breasts, her new curves and most of all her expanding stomach that provided their baby a home.

″Uhm, I think I like that,″ he murmured, grinning mischievously now, too.

″No seriously,″ she laughed. ″Sex helps to induce labor. And so does walking and eating spicy and a belly-massage and a foot reflexology.″

″So that's your plan for today?″

″Exactly,″ she nodded. ″Starting or ending the day with a little bit of scrabble, walking along Lake Michigan all day, coming home, getting a belly-massage with almond oil from you and you can also massage my feet and then we'll walk to that Indian restaurant a couple of blocks from here and eat the spiciest things they have,″ she told him about her plan, the tiniest bit of determination glimmering in her eyes. She wanted this baby out and as Emilia obviously didn't want to come on her own, she would do all these things to force her to come out.

″Ouh Emmy,″ Jay smirked and leaned over her belly to place a kiss on it, ″your mommy's really kicking your ass outta there now,″ he said with a chuckle and then faced Erin again to place a soft kiss on her lips, his hand still tracing circles onto her stomach.

″She was in there for long enough now, so she can't complain that I finally want my stomach for myself again,″ she laughed, tickling his neck with her fingers.

″Can't argue about that,″ he chuckled and kissed her again while his hand pulled her shirt up so his fingers could caress her bare skin. ″Talking about scrabble in the morning or the evening...do you think our chances would be better when we do it in the morning AND in the evening,″ he murmured into her ear and started to place kisses along her jaw.

″I don't know but maybe we should try?″ she asked and giggled when she felt his soft lips breathing down her neck while placing kisses there.

″I'm in,″ he grinned when he looked up to her before their lips crashed in a longing kiss and all their feelings for each other bursted out of them passionately.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They strictly followed Erin's plan throughout the day, walked along Lake Michigan for almost four hours and ate hot dogs with a spicy sauce. When they returned home in the afternoon Erin took a long, hot bath with aromatic oils and then got spoiled by Jay massaging her belly gently for fifteen minutes and continuing afterwards with massaging her feet. After getting dressed they walked to the Indian restaurant just like they had planned and ordered some spicy meals. Erin almost overdid it a little as hers was so spicy that she had to cry while eating it, so the kitchen took it back and added some coconut milk to make it milder and when she got it again it was eatable but still spicier than the things she usually ate. So she hoped it would have an effect anyway.

Lying in their bed later that night they both weren't in the mood for another round of scrabble because they were both a little frustrated as nothing seemed to work and Erin still felt the same. Jay reminded her to stay patient and that it took time until all these things would make inroads although he had of course also hoped that things would maybe happen a little faster with everything they had tried throughout the day.

Monday morning came and a little scrabble before work was never wrong, maybe it would help this time. They also agreed that they would do the same things again they had already done yesterday when Jay returned from work in the evening. Hank was clement with him and he didn't have to work the all-nighters, was instead allowed to leave the bullpen around 6pm to be with Erin and spend some time with her. As always, Erin checked by around noon, brought them pizza for lunch, an extra spicy one with jalapenos for herself, and helped them to put some pieces of their current case together. She left the bullpen in the late afternoon before Jay to run for some errands and already waited for him on the couch when he came home in the evening.

They parked their car close to downtown, strolled through the still busy city although the freezing cold was about to make a comeback, went to another restaurant that had lots of spicy dishes on their menu and then walked back to the parking garage. Coming home, Erin took another bath and later got another belly-massage from Jay when they lay in their bed and no matter how bugged Erin was at the moment, she enjoyed every single second of his hands caressing her round stomach as she knew this would soon be over.

″Maybe this whole massage-thing isn't something that makes her come out but maybe what keeps her inside,″ Jay said when he felt his daughter's well-known kicks against his hands.

″At this point I really don't know what keeps her inside,″ Erin sighed and also rubbed her belly. Maybe four hands had a better effect than just two. ″I mean, it must be super tight in there by now. This can't be comfortable.″

″It's dark in there, it's warm, she is supplied with food all the time and doesn't have to cry to get some and at the same time she still gets all the attention and all the love,″ Jay smirked. ″Doesn't sound too bad, huh?″

Erin only nodded in response, stared down to their hands which covered her belly and when she started to speak again, her voice was all serious, even had a depressed undertone in it.

″Today Dr. Hanson said that I'll get induced in case she's not here by Friday. She doesn't want to let me go to 42 weeks and said 41 weeks are more than enough and once I passed 41 weeks it's better to give her a little push and they recommend induction,″ Erin said and towards the end her voice got lower and lower while she still glanced at her bare belly.

″Hey Er,″ Jay said softly and grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″That's still four days. Anything can happen in four days,″ he assured her and tried his best to give her some comfort.

″I don't want to get induced, Jay,″ she whispered and a silent tear rolled down her cheek.

″Babe,″ Jay also whispered and pulled her into his embrace. He felt so bad for her, the Erin he knew would never cry because of this. But she was on the edge of a breakdown, was physically and psychologically exhausted and he knew she couldn't keep going like this for so much longer.

″Maybe getting induced isn't the worst idea at this point,″ he said and stroked her hair while she sobbed onto his shoulder.

″No, I don't want this,″ she said and lifted her head to look at him with tear-stained eyes that shimmered green right now. ″Everywhere I read that induced labor is so much harder than natural labor and the thought about being in labor already scares me enough. And often iductions end in a c-section because the baby gets in stress. I don't want this Jay,″ she said desperately and leaned onto his shoulder again, enjoyed how he rubbed her back, trying to calm her down.

″We won't need it, Erin,″ he told her and also told it himself.

″I can't go on any longer, Jay,″ she whispered onto his chest. ″I can't wait any longer, I can't wake up every morning realizing everything is still the same, I can't go to bed every evening, accepting that nothing we do helps, I simply can't do this anymore.″

″Erin I feel exactly like you but still I can't even imagine how much harder it must be for you. But we're almost there, it's a matter of days now, maybe a matter of hours. We won't give up. We'll keep on doing what we're doing since yesterday and you know what? I think she takes exactly the time she needs and she will come when she's ready. We should give her that time and just try to enjoy these last few days as just the two of us although it's hard because we want her to be here by now so badly. But I'm sure there's a reason why she's letting us wait.″

″Yeah, pretty sure she wants to test our patience to check how resilient we are...you know, for the future already,″ Erin said but she also had to laugh a little by her own words.

″Something like this, yeah,″ Jay chuckled. ″And now lie back,″ he ordered and softly pushed her into the cushions, covered her with the blanket while she watched him frowning.

″Close your eyes,″ he said.

″What are you doing?″ she asked.

″Just close your eyes, okay?″ he winked, brushing a strand out of her face.

″Okay,″ she sighed and closed her eyes.

″Now inhale and then exhale, inhale and then exhale,″ he said and without questioning it any further she obeyed, stayed in that steady rhythm even when he stopped talking.

″How do you feel now?″ he asked.

″Better,″ she answered. Her eyes were still closed but a faint smile formed on her lips.

″Okay, keep on concentrating on your breathing and tell me about your maternal instincts. What do they tell you? Do we have to consider induction or not?″

″Jay...-″ she sighed and opened her eyes.

″Keep those eyes closed, concentrate on your breathing and then tell me what your body tells you,″ he said all calm. She looked at him for another second and then closed her eyes again. It took some time until she spoke again.

″She'll come before Friday,″ she finally said and her eyes fluttered open. ″But maybe my body is just telling me what I wish for.″

″Even if it is, keep this positive feeling now,″ Jay smiled, being relieved that whatever he had done there out of pure desperation had obviously helped. ″Positive vibes is all we need right now.″

″I'll try,″ she said quietly. ″Thank you for this Jay. Thank you for calming me down when my hormones freak out.″

″I have quite some experience with it by now,″ he shrugged and grinned at her innocently.

″The bad thing is, I can't even argue with that,″ she chuckled and instead of celebrating this little win by teasing her, Jay just placed the softest of kisses on her lips which was so much more appropriate in their current situation.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The ringing of Jay's alarm clock broke the silence in the bedroom on early Tuesday morning at 6am. Jay turned it off as fast as possible so Erin could maybe sleep a little while longer. He got up, stretched the aching muscles of his body and pulled the curtain in front of the window back a little to take a look outside. Chicago was still sleeping as the darkness of this winter morning surrounded the streets and the skyscrapers, as snow fell from the sky again. Everyone had hoped that after the snowstorm they wouldn't get any more snow but such hopes were highly unrealistic when the name of your hometown was Chicago and winter could even make a comeback here in late April.

Jay grabbed some of his clothes, went to the bathroom, took a shower to wake up completely and then started to make breakfast. When Erin still wasn't awake when breakfast was ready, he put a plate with toast and bacon and scrambled eggs on a tray and joined her in the bedroom again. He woke her up in the softest way possible, by whispering her name and kissing her cheek. On any other occasion he would've let her sleep but just like every morning he wanted to know how she felt, wanted to ask her whether everything was alright before he left. And just like every morning she told him that she felt good, that he should go to work and that she would check by later.

So Jay kissed her for goodbye when it was time for him to leave for work and then left her alone in their apartment, not feeling comfortable with it just like every other day of the last two weeks. Erin spent another hour in bed as she was beyond tired. She's had false labor again during the night, but this time it had taken two hours until it was gone which she assumed was normal at this stage.

When she waddled into the bathroom an hour later to take a shower it was the first time that she felt an unknown and really uncomfortable pressure in her pelvis and taking a look in the mirror once she'd hit the bathroom confirmed that feeling. Her belly has definitely dropped since yesterday and maybe this was a sign that she was finally making some progress, that all their little tricks slowly but steady played out.

It was while folding some of Jay's shirts in the bedroom, while putting the dishes out of the dishwasher and into the cupboard, while vacuuming the floor of the living room, when the first waves of this unknown pain swept through her lower back and her abdomen. She didn't give it much thought for two hours, it came and went unregularly, at least in the beginning and it felt like false labor though definitely stronger than last night. But when she somewhen had to wince quietly by the increasing intensity, when she had to sit down on the couch and breathed through the pain and when the intervals in between got shorter and more regular, the realization hit her that this wasn't just some pain but that this was it. This was what they've been waiting for, what they have forced to happen. She was having real contractions. She needed a moment to process what was happening, to tell herself to stay calm, waited for the next contraction and stopped the time until another wave of pain swept through her body. They were still far apart, eight to nine minutes, but anyway, the last thing she wanted right now was being alone. She wanted Jay to be with her, needed his comfort, needed to hear his soft voice. Hoping that he was in the bullpen and not out on a bust that would take him some hours she dialed his number with trembling fingers, ready to tell him the words that would bring him close to suffer a heart attack...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Guys, Erin's calling, do I have all your orders?″ Jay asked when he saw the beautiful face of his fiancée flash up on the screen of his phone. It was a couple of minutes after noon, Erin was supposed to join them soon. Some days she simply brought lunch without asking them before what they wanted, sometimes she called before. Today seemed to be a calling-day.

″Hi babe, I already have all the orders here,″ he answered the call laughingly but it only took some seconds and any color fell from his face and he jumped up from his chair hectically.

″I'll be there in ten,″ he managed to say hoarsly and hung up.

″What's wrong?″ Antonio asked, being slightly worried about his friend who looked like he's just seen a ghost. Given the fact that he was considered to be one of the best detectives in Chicago he actually should've known himself what was going on.

″Erin's having contractions, I gotta go,″ he said and grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair. ″Can you guys tell Hank?″ he asked. Their boss and Alvin were out on the streets, talking with some CIs.

″Sure,″ Antonio nodded instantly.

″Thanks,″ Jay answered, took a deep breath and ran out of the bullpen.

″Jay, good luck,″ Antonio called when Jay was already halfway down the stairs.

″Thanks,″ he called back, taking two steps at a time, ignoring a sassy remark from Platt about whatsoever while storming out of the precinct and running to his car. Of course today it had to snow. Of course today he would most likely need twenty minutes home. Of course today he would most likely directly drive into a traffic jam. Of course Erin would go into labor on a day when barely any road was cleared from the snow.

As expected it took Jay more than twenty minutes to get home. More than once he wondered why no genius has invented beaming by now. Thinking about beaming that would be so much appreciated right now, getting into a fuss about stupid drivers in front of him, scolding all the red traffic lights he had to stop at helped him not to think about this one thing that let his stomach turn, that let his heart stop beating. Or start racing? He didn't know. But what he knew was that he was going to become a father today.

″Erin?″ he asked immediately after locking up the door of their apartment.

″I'm here,″ she called and shuffled from the bedroom into the living room. An endless feeling of relief filled her when she saw him standing in the hall like the rock he was, the rock she needed right now, and she literally fell into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his back, pressing her cheek into his cotton-shirt, listening to his heartbeat. Now everything was going to be okay.

″How do you feel?″ he mumbled into her hair.

″It's getting stronger and it's definitely coming regularly.″

″When was your last contraction?″

″Six or so minutes ago,″ she said, still not changing her current position. In his strong arms she felt so much better, felt like his strong arms made her stronger.

″Do you need anything?″ he asked, wanting to help her somehow, to do anything for her.

″Just keep on holding me, the next one is coming soon,″ she mumbled into his shirt.

″Okay,″ he said and placed a kiss on her hair. They stood in the middle of the living room like this for another minute when Erin's breathing got heavier and she winced quietly. Jay automatically increased the pressure of his hands on her lower back by rubbing circles on it. The contraction was gone after not even a minute and he felt Erin relaxing in his arms as soon as the pain was gone.

″How far apart are your contractions?″

″Seven to eight minutes, give or take,″ she told him and lifted her head, even managed to smile faintly at him. They both were nervous but at they same time they were also full with anticipation. The day was here. Finally.

″You want to go to the hospital?″

″Naah, not yet,″ she said and shook her head. ″Let's stay here for a little longer.″

″Alright,″ Jay nodded, took a deep breath and told himself that everything was under control. Although this was Erin's first baby he was sure she knew what she was doing and when she wanted to stay here, they would until she would tell him different. He brought her her big pillow from the bedroom so she could get as comfortable as possible on the couch and then also brought her a glass of water. She needed to stay hydrated and she needed to eat to have all the power possible for the hours to come.

Erin kept on laboring at home for another three hours. Whenever she had a contraction she got up from the couch and leaned on Jay, letting him help her to get through it somehow. When the contractions got stronger she spent half an hour in the warm water of the bathtub and it really helped her muscles to relax.

″I guess it's time,″ Erin said after getting out of the bathtub when Jay helped her to get into her clothes. Her contractions were about five minutes apart now and considering that they still had to drive to Med, which would take twenty minutes to half an hour with all the snow, it was time to leave their apartment. Time to leave their old life behind. Time to only come back here with their baby girl.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You're at three centimeters but your water isn't broken yet,″ Dr. Hanson said after examining Erin. It was 4.30pm, they'd arrived at Med half an hour ago. Since then Erin has been connected with the CTG that controlled their baby's heartbeat and Erin's contractions. As they both hated hospitals quite a lot they had beforehand decided that they preferred one of the big family rooms instead of an usual delivery room. In this room they didn't feel like being in a hospital at all, more like being in a birth house. It was a big room painted in peaceful, warm colors. Instead of a typical hospital bed there was a normal king-sized bed with colorful sheets, in the edge of the room close to the window was a big bathtub, a birthing ball was also here and some mattresses were placed on the floor. And the best thing was, this wasn't only a room for laboring, Erin could even give birth in here in case everything went smooth but they also had an OR close in case of an emergency.

″Okay, what does that mean?″ Jay asked.

″It will take a while,″ Erin sighed. ″Right?″ she asked and looked to her doctor.

″It's a matter of hours now but yeah, it'll take a while,″ she confirmed. ″We keep on writing the CTG for another fifteen minutes and then you can walk up and down the hall and up and down the stairs as long as you feel comfortable with it or until your water breaks.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded, preparing herself for some very uncomfortable hours.

After slipping back into her sweatpants and her shirt they walked through the corridor of the labor & delivery floor up and down and down and up and also explored the staircase of the six-storeyed hospital, taking all the steps in a pace that was okay for Erin. Two hours went by and with every step she took Erin had the feeling that her baby dropped a little further. Two hours of leaning on Jay more than ever. Two hours in which the contractions started to come closer, within three to four minutes now, and became stronger and more painful but her water still didn't break. After these two hours they had to do another CTG to control whether their baby was in stress but everything was still as perfect as possible and Erin was at five centimeters now, halfway there.

″Five centimeters,″ Erin said when they walked through the corridors once again, passing the same doors, chairs, vending machines, and all the other things for what felt like the 100th time. ″That means just two damn centimeters in more than two hours, what makes at least five more hours until I'm at the point where I can push her out,″ she sighed. As long as she didn't have a contraction she felt more or less good. But once this disgusting pain started to increase in her lower back she felt like being caught in hell and she wasn't sure how much longer she could bear it. And she knew the contractions were just about to become even stronger.

″Halfway there,″ Jay said and gave her an encouraging smile.

″The first contraction was more than nine hours ago. Nine. If this is only the half of it now I...,″ she started to complain but stopped aprubtly when she felt another contraction radiating through her body.

″Oh damn,″ she breathed out, buried her head in Jay's chest, holding on him with all she had, clawing her fingers into his shirt. He massaged her lower back with his fingers but unfortunately she was at a point where the pressure of his hands and fingers didn't help anymore.

It was an hour later, shortly after 8pm, while being on the way back to their room as Erin started to feel really uncomfortable with walking and just wanted to lie down when her water broke, when the liquid that gushed down her thighs left her sweatpants all wet. Unfortunately, things didn't go faster from now on anyway, only the contractions increased in their intensity and lasted longer so she had barely three minutes to relax in between. She spent quite some time on the birthing ball or got on her knees, embracing the ball so she could halfway lie on it while soft music played in the background, while Jay massaged her back all the time to somehow help her to deal with the pain, and she then somewhen lay down in the bed again, the CTG monitoring her contractions closely.

″Jay,″ Erin groaned, clawing her fingers into his hand as another strong contraction came up. It was 10.30pm. Three hours ago she had already thought that she can't stand this pain any longer and by now the intensity of the contractions has even doubled.

″I'm here, you're doing great,″ Jay whispered, not knowing what else to tell her. Seeing her in pain was the hardest thing for him and he has never felt as helpless as right now, knowing that he couldn't do anything for her other then feeding her ice chips, being there for her and show her his support somehow when all he wanted to do was just taking the pain away from her.

″I can't do this anymore,″ she whimpered, another moan escaping from her lips. She had known that labor was hard but now she knew that someone who had never been through this before could not nearly imagine how hard and painful it actually was.

″You can,″ he assured her, squeezing her hand. ″The contraction is almost over,″ he said, looking at the monitor just to see that the line had already reached its peak. She buried her face in her pillow, moaned into it and kept on inhaling and exhaling deeply. There was nothing else she could do anyway other than breathing through it somehow and hoping that it would soon be over. Both, their midwife Katy and her doctor had already asked her whether she wanted an epidural but she had declined. She was still determined to do this without any drugs although she was close to the point where she would give this plan up and would simply take whatever could take the pain away from her.

″Why exactly did I want her to come out?″ she said when the contraction was gone. ″Because I think I changed my mind.″

″I think it's a little to late for that now,″ Jay smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

″I just want her to be out now, like right now. I want it to be over.″

″You're getting there babe. Every contraction brings you closer to meet her,″ he said, brushing a strand, that had loosened from her messy ponytail, behind her ear.

″Us,″ she answered and even managed to smile faintly but it immediately fell from her face and turned into a wince first and then a groan when another wave of the hardest pain she's ever felt went through her back, her pelvis and her abdomen. She was tired and exhausted and labor took everything from her but yet the most strenuous part was still about to come...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Push Erin, give me a really hard push,″ Dr. Hanson encouraged her. Again. Like she had so often within the last 20 minutes. This was how long Erin has already been pushing without having the feeling that she was making any progress. At least not as much as she wanted.

At around 11.00pm Erin had changed from the bed into the big bathtub filled with warm water that had surprisingly helped to reduce the labor pain at least a bit and had also helped her to finally fully dilate. And now she was still lying in the tub, which she had all for herself, her knees bent in front of her, while trying to push her baby out somehow. Jay sat on her left side, held her hand and encouraged and supported her in the best way he could while Dr. Hanson and Katy were on the right side of the tub. The atmosphere in the room was actually quite nice and relaxing, with normal lights and not the usual cold hospital lights, with as less people as possible in the room and with the medical people being pretty relaxed as everything went smooth and easy and as perfect as possible.

At around 12.45am, 25 minutes ago, their midwife had called Dr. Hanson and Erin had then started pushing her baby into this world, had discovered energy and strength she thought she'd lost within the last fifteen hours. Maybe by now there really wasn't any energy and strength left in her anymore but although the pain was unbearable, she knew she had to keep going. There was no going back now. She was so close to hold their baby in her arms and she had to keep pushing and deliver her safely although she had the feeling to collaps due to exhaustion any second.

″I can't,″ she cried, closing her eyes to gather all her energy once again.

″You can, Er, you can,″ Jay said emphatically. She was close now. So close. He had no idea how she did it, how she still kept going after more than fifteen hours of labor, how she could handle the pain without screaming aloud. All the way along she had sticked to her plan to give birth completely unmedicated and the respect and admiration he had for her reached unreal levels.

″Come on Erin, not long now,″ Katy said, checking the heartbeat of the baby with the Doppler. Still a strong and steady woosh-woosh.

Erin took a deep breath and leaned forward, tucking her chin to her chest and bearing down, pushing as hard as she could. Once again her fingers clawed into Jay's hand, that was maybe broken by now, by the burning pain that went through her body when she felt her baby moving further down to the entrance of this world.

″This was awesome,″ Dr. Hanson said when Erin gasped for air and leaned her head back against the tub. ″It looks like your little lady has dark brown hair.″

Erin didn't really realize the things being said around her anymore. Everything was kinda blurry because of the burning pain, she was concentrated to not scream the pain away and focussed on her breathing instead, on her contractions and on gathering enough energy in between the contractions. For Jay seeing the head of his daughter coming, was so unreal, he was unable to sort all the feelings that went through his mind and he just tried to soak in this moment as good as possible. He would remember this day forever anyway.

″Another contraction?″ he asked when he saw her grimacing. She only nodded in response and kept her eyes closed.

″Alright, big push Erin,″ Katy said and once again Erin leaned forward and pushed with all she had. In between she took a deep breath and pushed again, tried to take full advantage of this long contraction. ″That's great, the head is crowning, keep on going,″ her doctor said but Erin didn't need to hear it, she could feel the excruciating, searing, burning pain that her daughter's head crowning caused in every inch of her body.

″It fucking hurts so much,″ she groaned, gasping for air once again. Why couldn't someone just simply pull her baby out by now and relieve her from the pain? Why did this take forever?

″You're doing great Er, you're doing so great,″ Jay whispered, being all fascinated from the miracle he was allowed to attend at the moment. Being all fascinated and amazed from her unbelievable strength.

″Three more contractions and she's here,″ Katy encouraged Erin.

″I can't do this anymore. I can't."

″Hey, Er, you are the strongest person I know, so when anyone can do this, it's you. I don't doubt you and you shouldn't doubt yourself either. You're almost there now, come on, I know you can do this because you're a rockstar,″ Jay said quietly, cleaning her sweaty forehead with a cold wash cloth.

″Okay,″ she breathed out. Looking into his eyes, listening to his encouraging words, holding his hand, knowing that he was there was exactly the support she needed. ″Thank you.″

″That's why you have backup,″ he winked and squeezed her hand. He was her backup. Always had been and always would be, in each and every situation.

When the next two contractions radiated through her entire body, when she once again almost broke Jay's hand with her grasp, when the pain reached an even higher level, she birthed the head of her daughter and just as predicted it took another contraction afterwards and some effort and Erin birthed the shoulders and the rest of her baby's body into the world.

And then it was there: the unreal moment of love at first sight, the moment where time stood still, the moment they would never forget for the rest of their lives, the moment when Katy placed the tiny, squishy baby with the dark brown hair on Erin's chest only seconds after her baby's body had slipped from inside her. Emilia Camille Halstead was born on the 1st of February 2017 at 1.21am, entering the world with a loud and healthy scream, the one noise her parents have been waiting for so long, the once noise that let tears fall from their eyes. Tears of emotion, tears of joy, tears of exhaustion, tears of gratitude.

″Oh god, hello baby girl,″ Erin sobbed, looked down to that perfect human being that lay on her chest and ran her hand across her daughter's wet hair and her soft cheeks while Katy covered the baby with a towel.

″You did it,″ Jay said and in this moment this was all he was able to say as all of his emotions and feelings hit him with full force and left him speechless. He didn't even try to hide all his tears and let them run down his face. There she was, their daughter. Dark brown hair, bright blue eyes. Beautiful. And as perfect as possible. He was a father now and Erin a mother. How could one moment feel so unreal but at the same time also feel like the most real moment ever?

″She is beautiful,″ Jay whispered and only now he also ran his hand across his daughter's head carefully and then rested it on her back to calm her down as she was still slightly screaming.

″She is,″ Erin agreed and turned her head to him, a beaming smile surrounding her lips while some tears still fell from her eyes.

″I love you. God, I love you so much,″ Jay said and leaned in, pressed his lips against Erin's. Before these intense hours in the delivery room he had thought he couldn't love her any more than he already did but seeing her giving birth to their baby has brought the love he felt for her to a complete new level. ″I'm so, so, so proud of you. Thank you for this,″ he whispered and looked down to Emilia who slowly seemed to settle on her mother's chest and had stopped screaming, was only slightly whimpering now.

″No Jay, thank you,″ Erin smiled while stroking Emmy's tiny fingers. ″I mean look at her. Can you believe we made her?″

″Nope,″ Jay grinned.

″Me neither,″ she answered and slightly shook her head, still not being able to find the right words to describe her feelings and the love she felt at the moment.

Erin stayed in the tub with the warm water for a little while longer while Jay was busy with making lots of pictures and snapping every moment. She enjoyed these first moments of bonding and skin-to-skin time with Emilia and only got remembered that she had actually given birth not long ago when she felt another contraction coming up as she still had to birth the placenta, which was, compared to the actual birth, not a big deal.

Afterwards, when Jay had proudly cut the umbilical cord, Erin changed to the bed again and Katy took Emilia from her for a quick routine check-up in the same room, with Jay watching attentively and taking some more photos.

″6lbs 12oz, 19.7 inches long, not so big for being six days overdue,″ Katy grinned to Erin.

″But she's healthy, isn't she?″ Erin asked, trying to catch a glimpse of what Katy was doing.

″Perfectly healthy,″ Katy confirmed and a wide smile spread across the new parents's faces.

With the help of Katy Jay was the one who gave their daughter her first bath, being extremely careful with every touch as he was a bit scared that he could hurt her as she was so tiny and fragile but Katy always assured him that he was doing fine and that he didn't have to be scared. He then also put her on her first diaper, almost handling it like he's never done anything else in his life. When Emilia was freshly bathed and pampered, Erin got her half-naked baby back for a little more skin-to-skin time and also nursed her for the first time under the instruction and with the help of Katy. She settled her against her breast, holding her carefully and Emilia instantly knew what to do and latched onto her nipple, began nursing hungrily.

″Am I doing it right?″ Erin asked and her voice came insecure. It somehow felt weird and she assumed that she was maybe doing it wrong as she had actually no clue what she was doing.

″You couldn't do it any better mama,″ Katy winked while Jay took some more photos with his phone.

″Okay...it just feels strange,″ Erin admitted, looking down to her baby girl, still not being able to believe that this was really happening, that Emilia was here, that she was a mother. That this beautiful baby was what she and Jay had created in this one night on the couch.

″It'll only feel strange the first few times until you get used to it,″ Katy answered, trying to take the insecurity off the young mother like she did on a daily basis.

When Emmy was all fed and happy, Erin felt strong enough to take a much needed shower, so while Katy helped her to go to the bathroom, it was now Jay who lay down in the bed and enjoyed some skin-to-skin time with his daughter, getting to know her a little better. Now that the few strands of hair that covered her head were dry, her hair wasn't as dark as they thought it is, it looked more like a light brown, a honey brown-blonde to him, quite similar to Erin's hair color. And she definitely had Erin's nose and her lips and all in all he thought she looked a lot like her mother. With exception of her eye color. Her eyes shined in the brightest blue, like diamonds. That this tiny perfect miracle was his daughter was something he still couldn't believe. He stroked her tiny hand and she wrapped her hand around his smallest finger. Jay had to grin, not only because this was such a perfect moment, but also because he was sure that this was his future. That his baby girl would wrap him around her little finger easily.

″Daddy loves you,″ he whispered and placed a soft kiss on her head. ″And I promise you I will give my very best to be the best father you could wish for,″ he said quietly. ″I promise you I will not end up like my father baby girl but I will make you happy and protect you for the rest of my life.″

While waiting for Erin, Emilia fell asleep on his bare chest, his heartbeat obviously giving her some comfort and reminding her to the time in Erin's womb, and only now Jay realized that they haven't informed Hank and his brother about the birth of their granddaughter respectively niece yet. The last time he had informed all of their friends and family about what was going on was long before Erin had entered the tub. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Will's number but of course he didn't answer as it was almost 3am, so he just took a picture of the sleeping baby on his chest, that was covered with a yellow, cozy blanket, and sent it to him, leaving him the simple message 'You're an uncle now' on his voicemail.

Things were different with Hank though. He has obviously been waiting for this one call and answered his phone after a couple of seconds.

″Jay, finally. I started to get worried,″ Hank greeted him. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yes,″ Jay said smilingly, looking down to Emilia again, stroking over her back, that was covered with the blanket, with the thumb of his free hand. ″She was born at 1.21am, weighs 6lbs 12oz and is 19.7 inches long. She's perfect in every way and looks a lot like Erin.″

″Wow...,″ Hank said, obviously being a little speechless by these news although he'd known that they were coming. ″Congratulations Jay, to the both of you.″

″Thank you.″

″How's Erin doing?″ Hank asked.

″She's fine. She's taking a shower at the moment but damn, she was a rockstar,″ Jay sighed.

″Bet she was,″ Hank answered and Jay could hear in his voice that he was smiling. ″Does the baby have a name or did you forget to tell me this on purpose?″

″Well,″ Jay said and chuckled slightly. ″She has a name but we'll only tell you when we can introduce her to you in person.″

″Alright, first thing in the morning,″ Hank said. ″Tell Erin I love her.″

″I will. I hope you can sleep well now,″ Jay laughed.

″Yeah, now I can. See you in the morning.″ With these words Hank hung up and the room fell into silence again until Erin came back from the bathroom, wearing a fresh pair of leggins and a long shirt and being very happy to lie down again as showering hadn't been that much fun.

Again with the help of Katy Jay put Emilia some clothes on and he was amazed how deep their baby's sleep was as she didn't wake up although Jay had the feeling what he did was quite clumsy. He could handle all kinds of weapons without further thinking about it, could fight against the toughest gangsters of the city, but dressing his tiny daughter for the first time was a complete different challenge.

Before Erin was transfered to another room on the labor & delivery floor, as this room was of course needed for the next expecting couple, Katy took some first family photos of the three of them. They both looked beyond tired and exhausted but at the same time as happy as never before in their lives, still smiling from ear to ear.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay was allowed to spend this first night with his girls as the morning was close anyway. Emilia slept peacefully in her bassinet next to Erin's bed and although Erin's feelings were still all over the place, the exhaustion of the last hours won the fight over her excitement and her eyes have somewhen fell shut while Jay had tickled up and down her arm softly. Jay meanwhile stayed awake, sent some more texts to their friends with the only info that their baby was here now happy and healthy and watched his girls sleeping. In this moment he felt so endlessly blessed, he still failed in finding words to really describe what was going on inside of him. His heart just wanted to jump out of his chest whenever he looked at Erin or their perfect baby girl. He wondered how long it would take until all of this would feel real, because right now he still had the feeling he was caught in the most beautiful dream someone could have.

Emilia's quiet whimpering interrupted the silence in the room and Jay had to smile immediately. This was their life now and it couldn't get any more real. He got up from his chair, leaned over the bassinet and picked her up carefully, placed her against his chest, always holding her neck and head, so he could wrap the cozy blanket loosely around her before sat down again, now holding her in his arm so he could stare at this little bundle of perfection.

″Sssshh, Emmy,″ he whispered, stroking her head and rocking her gently. ″Everything is fine, daddy is here.″ Unfortunately she kept on whimpering quietly but taking a look at Erin, Jay saw that she was still sleeping, her head turned away from him.

″Hey baby girl, you should let your mommy sleep, you took a lot from her today,″ Jay whispered and Emilia stopped whimpering aprubtly, clawed her little fingers into his shirt and stared at him with her big blue eyes as if she was able to understand him. ″You know Emmy,″ he kept on talking as he had the feeling this was what calmed her down, ″you share your birthday with a very, very special woman. She was the most important woman in my life until I met your mommy. Today would be her 60th birthday and I know she would like this kind of birthday present, of sharing her birthday with her granddaughter, very, very much,″ Jay said smilingly and blinked some times to the ceiling to not let the tears fall that welled in his eyes, the tears that came up inevitably by speaking these words out loud.

″Why didn't you tell me that it's your mother's birthday today?″ Erin asked and only now Jay saw that she was staring at him, tears welling in her eyes as well. She tried to remember whether there've been dates on the obituary she'd seen a couple months back, so she should've known that the 1st of February was his mother's birthday, but she was sure she hadn't seen a birth date on it. Or maybe she just hadn't recognized it because his mother's full name had drawn her full attention?

″Why are you awake? We tried to be super quiet.″

″Guess my mom-senses are on now,″ Erin smiled faintly. ″She whimpered once and I was awake but listening to you talking to her is my new favorite thing in the world.″

″Did you hear that Emmy? Mommy is eavesdropping us. We should be really careful when we cast aspersions on her,″ he chuckled.

″Yep, you should,″ Erin grinned. ″And you should stop avoiding answering my questions.″

″Well,″ Jay sighed. ″I never thought about it until you went into labor yesterday.″

″And why didn't you tell me?″ she frowned.

″Because I know you Erin. I know you would've tried to hold it back until after midnight so that it is the same day and I didn't want you to do that. The 31st of January would've been just as fine. That it's the 1st of February now is just a sweet, sweet coincidence.″

″Believe me Jay, when you're in labor and have the feeling the pain is tearing you apart you come to a point where you for sure don't hold anything back anymore,″ she said and gave him a little grin before turning her attention to the baby in his arms, being unable to believe that some short four hours ago she still had been inside of her.

″You remember how I told you she's letting us wait for a reason? Now I can't help but think that it was meant to be like this somehow.″

″It was,″ Erin nodded and when Emilia started to whimper again, Jay handed her the baby and she placed her on her chest, her hand covering Emilia's small head. It only took some seconds and she was all calm again, even seemed to lull away.

″She knows your heartbeat,″ Jay smiled and his heart wanted to explode in his chest by this cute sight, by Emilia resting on Erin's chest, getting kisses from her on the top of her head, her eyes closed and her mouth agape.

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded in response, a smirk surrounding her lips. She had never thought that she could fall in love so fast, so easy. But here she was, being a mother and feeling a love she hasn't known before. She loved Jay and the way she felt for him was unreal but this was a complete different kind of love.

″I love you,″ Jay whispered. ″I love you both so much, it's unreal,″ he smiled and once again Erin got the proof that Jay was able to read her mind.

″And I love you,″ she smiled back. ″Both.″

Jay crashed her lips with an intense kiss and then lay down in the bed right next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder so Erin could rest her head on his chest as always, stroking Emilia's fingers with his other hand. He felt blessed. Blessed beyond limits. Life was beautiful and without a doubt, life had created a beautiful story right there...

* * *

 **Well, Emilia is here now and I hope this chapter met your requirements! :) Please leave a review and tell me what you think. Of course this story is not over yet, there's a lot more to tell but I will get back to a regular weekly updating rhythm now, maybe sometimes a little longer as I have to write my bachelos thesis within the next couple of months. If there's anything special about this little family you want to read about, do not hesitate to tell me! :)**


	40. Bundle Of Joy

**Thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter! Here comes part 1 (of many) of the Halstead-family. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

 **40\. Bundle Of Joy**

Pregnant women were always told how they forgot the pain of labor as soon as they would finally be able to hold their baby in their arms. While being in labor a couple of hours ago Erin had thought she could never forget this excruciating pain in her life ever again but from the moment her midwife had placed her daughter on her chest it all was forgotten. The strenuous hours of handling the pain and pushing her baby out. The tears, the screams, the contractions, it was all so far far away and even now, some short five-and-a-half hours later, the only thing she remembered from the last 24 hours was the moment she'd seen her baby for the first time, the moment of love at first sight.

While eating her breakfast, Erin couldn't stop smiling as she thought about all the things that had happened ever since they'd left their apartment not even 24 hours ago. And whenever she turned her gaze from the plate with the fruit oatmeal in front of her to Jay, who was standing at the window, holding Emilia in his arms, showing her the skyline of the city that was covered in snow, the city that was slowly waking up as the dawn set in, as the stars disappeared from the clear sky, her heart wanted to burst out of her chest. There was something about tall, strong men holding tiny babies. There was something about seeing the man you love holding and cuddling the baby you created together and talking to it that gave you a whole bunch of emotions. This picture-perfect cuteness was almost too much for Erin to handle and she had to stare at the two of them all the time. Jay was made to be a dad for sure. And without a doubt, they were both debauching in pure baby bliss.

After enjoying her own breakfast, it was time for Erin to breastfeed Emmy as she started to get a little grumpy in Jay's arms. He handed her the baby and although Erin only nursed her for the third time, it already felt almost normal. Maybe it also helped that Emilia knew exactly what she wanted but still, for someone who had doubted her motherhood skills for so long, Erin took it all with an impressive naturalness.

″How was the breakfast?″ Katy asked when she entered the room just after Erin had finished nursing her and Emilia had also already burped, was now comfortably resting on her chest again.

″Not too bad,″ Erin grinned.

″Glad to hear that,″ Katy winked. ″So there's a very excited grandfather waiting outside and although I told him visiting hours don't start until ten, he refused to go home and as we always make exceptions when it comes to new family members I told him that I'll inform you that he's here. So, can he come inside?″

″Yes, please,″ Erin smiled and felt how her heart started racing again as Hank was about to see his granddaughter for the first time. She couldn't wait to see his face. And she also couldn't wait to tell him their daughter's name.

″Alright,″ Katy nodded and left the room with the empty tray and literally a second later, Hank stepped into the room, carrying a stuffed Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh in his hands, and his eyes immediately fell onto the bundle of life that was resting on Erin's chest, a bright smile flashing across his face by seeing his pseudo-daughter with her very own daughter for the very first time.

″Hey kiddo,″ he smiled overjoyed and leaned down to her to place a kiss on her forehead. ″Congratulations.″

″Thank you,″ she answered. Hank's eyes were sparkling with joy and pride when he carefully touched the baby's mellow head.

″Welcome to the family little lady,″ he said and although it was just a simple gesture, some simple words, some simple glances, it brought tears to Erin's eyes.

″You wanna hold her?″ Erin asked and her voice came hoarse.

″Was this even a question?″ Hank asked back and with these words, Erin picked Emilia up from her chest and placed the sleeping baby in his arms. Hank sat back into the chair, looking at his granddaughter in complete awe. Seeing her father-figure with her baby definitely brought Erin to the edge of her emotions as her hormones still played crazy with her. Jay saw her swallowing hardly and squeezed her hand. Erin squeezed it back and just watched Hank and Emilia bonding, being happy that she didn't have to say anything at the moment.

″She's absolutely beautiful,″ he said and lifted his head to look at her. Erin and Jay were both sure that they've never seen him smiling like this before. ″You did a great job right there. Both of you I have to admit. Although I think she looks more like you,″ he smirked.

″Do you think?″ Erin asked. Until yet she hasn't found one similarity that made Emilia more look like her or more look like Jay. She thought she was a perfect mix of both of them.

″Mhm.″

″Mhm.″ Hank and Jay nodded synchronously and all three of them had to laugh.

″Well, I guess we have to wait and see how this will turn out,″ she grinned.

″I just want to say that I already said she looks like you when we got the second print of the sonogram,″ Jay said, giving her a winning wink.

″Yeah, you're my hero,″ she chuckled and raised her eyebrows playfully.

″So, does hero's baby have a name?″ Hank interrupted their little moment as he's been quite curious about this ever since Jay had called him last night.

″Yes, she has,″ Erin smiled. ″We've named her after our mothers.″

Hank's first reaction to this statement was priceless. His eyes widened in disbelief and Erin knew he assumed that her name therefore was Bunny or Barbara. At the same time she wondered how he could think she would name her daughter after this person she didn't want to have any contact with ever again.

″I hope this is a joke,″ Hank said.

″It's not actually,″ Erin answered. ″But Bunny isn't the person I consider my mother just like Eddie is not the person I consider my father,″ she said and gave him a meaningful glance and by the way Hank's face changed instantly, she knew that he was getting it. ″You're holding Emilia Camille Halstead in your arm,″ she smiled. Hank looked down to the baby, then lifted his gaze and looked directly into Erin's hazel eyes, tears burning in the corners of his own eyes. It was a glance full of emotions, a glance of pure thankfulness and Hank even had to clear his throat before he could speak.

″This is the most perfect name for this little lady,″ he said. ″Thank you Erin. Wherever Camille is, I know she's smiling right now,″ he added and squeezed her hand, tears falling from Erin's eyes. ″And I know your mother is smiling, too, Jay,″ he said, looking directly to Jay now.

″She is,″ Jay nodded, swallowing down his own emotions. He had never thought that Hank Voight could bring him close to cry but on a day like today, where everyone was a bit emotional, everything was possible.

″Camille would be so proud of you kiddo. I think they both would be so damn proud of you two,″ Hank said and in this very moment, all three of them wished that these two amazing women, Camille Voight and Diane Halstead, were here with them today and could celebrate the arrival of the newest family member, of this little bundle of joy that would change all of their lives completely but would also bring them so much happiness.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Sarge, do you have any news on Erin and Jay and baby Halstead? All we got last night was a friggin' message that she's here. No pics, no name, no more infos and no answers to our texts,″ Adam said as soon as Hank reached the last step that led into the bullpen. All of the others were also standing around, even Platt, Burgess and Roman. They had obviously discussed about it while waiting for Hank to arrive.

″Maybe,″ Hank smirked and walked to the board to pin some very special pics on it. Pics Jay had sent him last night, pics he had taken half an hour ago in the hospital and had printed in a copyshop on the way to the district. As all of their colleagues couldn't visit them until the evening, Jay and Erin had decided to give Hank the honor to share the first pics of his newborn granddaughter with the rest of the unit.

″Oh my God, is this baby H?″ Kim sqeaked as she was the first to see which kind of pictures Hank was pinning onto the board and all the others gathered around the board as well, all of them wanting to be the first to see the photos.

″Look at this cute little face,″ Antonio smiled, eyeing the family picture of the three of them, the picture with just Erin and Emilia, the picture with just Jay and Emilia and the portrait-like photo of just the sleeping baby.

″She is beautiful,″ Kevin said and kept on staring at the pictures.

″Damn, Jay really outdid himself with this one,″ Adam laughed and shook his head slightly.

″Yeah, he did a good job. But I think she looks more like Erin though,″ Al said.

″She totally favors Erin,″ Hank confirmed smilingly.

″So you've already seen her, right?″ Antonio asked and Hank only nodded in response.

″Will you give us some more details or will you leave us in the dark, boss?″ Kevin asked. Pictures were great but they all of course wanted to know more, a name particularly since there's been another bet.

″Well, you already figured out that she's beautiful, which I can confirm,″ Hank smirked. ″She's also super healthy and so is Erin. She was born last night at 1.21am, weighs 6lbs 12oz and is 19.7 inches long.″

″1.21am?″ Adam echoed. ″Didn't Erin call Jay at around 12.15pm?! Jeeez, that makes more than thirteen friggin' hours,″ he noticed, his voice sounding like he couldn't believe it.

″Giving birth isn't a walk in the park Ruzek,″ Platt chimed in, as always when she talked with Adam in particular, a sarcastic undertone in her voice.

″I know Sarge, but THIRTEEN hours, holy crap.″

″This is a complete normal timeframe for a natural birth Adam,″ Kim told him before turning her attention to Hank again. ″And Erin is doing fine, Sarge?″

″She's a bit exhausted of course but all in all she couldn't be any better and she's over the moon. They both are. Erin would never admit it herself but according to Jay she was a rockstar, doing it all without any medication,″ Hank said, the pride of a father sparkling in his eyes.

″Wow...I mean, I always knew she's tough but still...wow,″ Antonio said and all the others nodded approvingly.

″So what about a name Sarge? Does she have a name or are they still arguing about it?″ Mouse asked, bringing the conversation back to what they all wanted to know.

″She has a name,″ he grinned, obviously enjoying it to keep them all on the tenterhooks.

″So?″ Adam asked curiously. ″I bet for Anna.″

″Charlotte,″ Kevin chimed in.

″Ava,″ Mouse disagreed.

″Sophia,″ Kim said.

″It's none of them, any more guesses?″ Hank smirked.

″Trudy,″ Platt stated and when all of them started to laugh, she didn't know whom to shoot a death glare first.

″Sorry Trudy, but I have to disappoint you here,″ Hank said. ″Her name is Emilia Camille Halstead, named after Jay's mother's second name and my wife's first name,″ he finally told them and 'aaaww's' escaped from his team member's lips's.

″This is one perfectly beautiful name,″ Al said and placed his hand on his old friend's shoulder, knowing pretty well how emotional it must've been for Hank to learn that Erin has named her baby after his late wife.

″And it's a very unique name, I like it a lot,″ Antonio said.

″It definitely suits her,″ Kim smiled. ″I can't wait to see her this evening.″

″I think neither of us can,″ Adam laughed, giving Kim a way too fond wink considering that they were still just friends.

Throughout the whole morning, baby Halstead of course stayed the number one topic in the bullpen and the 21st district in general and they all couldn't get tired of looking at the pictures pinned on the board which were for sure the cutest and most beautiful pictures that've ever been pinned there.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Meanwhile at Chicago Med, Erin, Jay and Emilia got a visit from another very special person soon after Hank had left them alone. With the brightest of smiles on his face, Will Halstead entered the room, carrying a pink balloon with 'It's a girl' written on it as well as a little stuffed elephant they could add to Emmy's already quite big collection of stuffies.

″I heard there's a new Halstead in town,″ he greeted them and of course his eyes instantly fell on the tiny baby that was swaddled in a cozy grey-and-white blanket and sleeping in Jay's arm.

″Guess my big brother can call himself an uncle now,″ Jay chuckled.

″Hard to believe,″ Will laughed and then leaned down to give his sister-in-law a hug. ″Congratulations.″

″Thank you,″ Erin smiled and Will walked around her bed to join his brother and to get a better view of his new niece.

″Damn Jay, congratulations,″ he said, gave him a pat on the back and slightly shook his head by seeing this little, perfect human peacefully sleeping in Jay's arm. ″You guys did an amazing job with this one for sure,″ he smiled.

″Yeah, I think we did quite good,″ Jay laughed, giving Erin a fond wink. ″You wanna hold her?″

″May I?″ Will asked and looked from Jay to Erin, waiting for her approval.

″Sure,″ she smiled and Jay got up to place Emilia in his brother's arms.

″This is awesome,″ Will grinned from ear to ear, gently rocking his niece. ″Look at this little angel, I might have to kidnap her.″

″Don't you even think about it,″ Jay smirked.

″After the first weeks with her at home you'll wish I kidnap her so you guys can sleep through the night for once,″ Will winked.

″Most likely,″ Erin chuckled.

″I hate to break it to you Jay but she looks completely like Erin and not so much like you,″ he laughed.

″I don't have a problem with that,″ Jay answered, laughing once again.

″Why does everybody keep telling that?″ Erin chimed in. In her opinion Emilia didn't look as much as her as they all pretended she did.

″Because she does,″ Will shrugged, giving her a smiling wink. ″So is this little cute lady still nameless or could you guys decide on a name?″

″We decided on a name in December already,″ Jay grinned, ready to reveal their little secret.

″Impressive,″ Will laughed.

″Her name's Emilia Camille Halstead,″ Jay said and he could see in his brother's face that he was a little perplex and speechless in the first moment.

″I'm sure mom would love that,″ Will managed to say but his voice was raspier than usual while he looked directly into his brother's eyes, seeing the silent pain reflecting from them. ″She was born after midnight, wasn't she?″

″1.21am,″ Jay confirmed with a nod.

″Wow...″ Will sighed. ″You picked a very special day for your big entrance little lady.″

″She did indeed,″ Jay agreed pensively. ″I mean, she let us wait for quite a while, really tried our patience but now it all makes sense.″

″It does,″ Will said. ″Mom would've loved this kind of birthday present for sure.″

Until Will's pager forced him to go to the ED, they kept on talking about this special day, about how the Taylor-family had reacted to the big news, who opposite to all the others, had gotten some pictures as they all couldn't meet Emmy so soon. Will also told them congratulations from Natalie and when they wondered how she already knew about it, Will just smirked and said she was the first person he had met in the breakroom this morning and had therefore told her the news instantly. Talking a little more about Natalie he also revealed that he had attended her son Owen's first birthday party two weeks ago and Jay only had to look to Erin for a split second to see that she was thinking the same thing he did: Will Halstead and Natalie Manning were obviously on a good way to finally be more than just friends.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The morning passed and the three of them could enjoy some more hours of undisturbed bonding. After she'd changed Emilia's diaper for the first time and had nursed her again, Erin even dozed off and slept for a couple of hours, her body slowly but steady regaining all the energy she'd lost last night. And all the time Jay stayed awake and took care that Emilia wouldn't wake her up again immediately so she got the sleep she needed so urgently.

″Why don't you go home and take a shower and come back then?″ Erin asked Jay after waking up, when he yawned as loud that the whole hospital could hear it.

″I rather stay with my girls,″ he winked and looked at the clear bassinet where Emilia was sleeping, all snuggled up in her blanket, looking like an angel.

″Jay, you're awake for almost 30 hours now, so just go home, take a shower, drink a cup of real coffee and another one for me. I feel pretty good now and Emmy and I will get it handled,″ she smiled.

″You sure?″ he asked. He didn't want to leave them but he had to admit the thought of a long shower sounded pretty attractive right now.

″Positive,″ she nodded.

″Alright,″ he sighed and got up. ″Do you need anything from home?″

″Not that I know of,″ she answered and shook her head.

Jay nodded in response, leaned over the bassinet and placed the softest of kisses on his daughter's head. ″Be nice to your mommy baby girl,″ he whispered.

″And you be nice to our daughter,″ he joked when he leaned down to Erin and kissed her lips.

″I'll try my best,″ she chuckled.

″I love you,″ he said and kissed her again.

″I love you, too,″ she smiled. ″Drive safe.″

″Always,″ he assured her and then left his two girls alone for the next three hours.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The first thing he did when he was in their apartment was walking into the nursery, checking whether everything still met his requirements or whether they needed to change something, needed more things. But the nursery was still perfect in every single way and he couldn't wait to bring their baby home as soon as possible, to see Emilia lying in her crib or on the baby mat on the floor, to change her diapers and clothes on the changing table. To have a domestic life as a family of three.

Jay went to the kitchen and poured a cup of black coffee down as soon as the coffee machine had finished brewing it. Actually he was still too excited to be really tired and he wondered whether it maybe was a bad idea to drink coffee as this would make him even more hyped than he already was. Giving it no further thought he went to the bathroom and took a long shower and even when he had his eyes closed and the water ran down his back, the only thing he saw were Erin and Emilia, his two girls which were his whole life.

With a towel wrapped around his waist he went back to the bedroom a couple of minutes later and a bright smile flashed across his face when he opened the drawer of his dresser to grab some boxers and socks as the prints of the sonograms they had gotten during the past months still lay atop of them. It's always been so unreal to see their baby on the screen, almost unimaginable that she would one day really be with them, but with Emilia's birth last night it all became reality although it still felt like a dream. They didn't only have to stare at the prints anymore, couldn't feel her kick inside of Erin's stomach anymore. She was here now, with them, made them a family. They could kiss and cuddle her whenever they wanted, could touch her soft skin, her fuzzy hair, her tiny fingers, could smell the famous scent babies had after a bath.

Sitting down with his phone on the couch in the living room, scrolling through the many many photos he'd taken within the last couple of hours, smiling by seeing everyone of them, he decided to give his aunt and uncle in New York a call as he knew they were waiting for it. They weren't satisfied with just pictures and some info about Emilia's weight. They wanted to hear their nephew's voice, wanted to hear him talk about his daughter. And this was what they did, talking for full twenty minutes, about the birth, about this tiny little miracle called Emilia, about the perfect birthday. Promises were made that Jay would of course send more pictures soon and they also discussed that they could maybe facetime or skype with Erin as soon as she was home. Jay already sensed that Erin's first days home would be busy not only because they now had a newborn but also because all their friends and family, who lived all over the continent, like Liv and Noah, Justin and his family, Susan and Michael, Nick and his family, and who lived in Izzie's case, on the other side of the world, wanted to skype with her so it was almost like they could see Emilia in person.

Returning to Chicago Med in the early afternoon, Jay opened the door of Erin's room quietly and once again his heart almost bursted out of his chest by the beautiful, cute sight that greeted him. Erin was sleeping peacefully and so was Emilia, resting on Erin's chest comfortably, her little hand close to her mouth like she was almost sucking on it, Erin's hand covering the baby's back protectively although she was sleeping. His two girls were angels for sure. Angels from heaven to light up his life and make him endlessly happy. Knowing that Erin would wake up as soon as he sat down right next to her because she was always able to feel his presence, he turned around and tiptoed out of the room so she could sleep a little while longer.

Earlier, when he'd been at home, thinking about how blessed he was he had also thought about the one man in their family, who acutally wasn't a part of their family in his opinion but who was bound by blood to him anyway, who didn't know about the birth of the newest Halstead yet. And on a day like today, the happiest day of his life for sure, so full of love and joy and gratitude, all of this hate and bitterness towards his old man has somehow faded, there simply wasn't space for it anymore. And there was nothing, absolutely nothing that could ruin this perfect day, not even a conversation with his father. He still wasn't ready to forgive him and most likely he never would, but he was ready to make a step into his direction. He should learn from him and not from Will that he was a grandfather now. And although he wouldn't play a big role in Emilia's life as her grandfather for sure because Jay didn't want to give him that right, he deserved to know that she's been born into this world last night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The room of his father was on the Oncology floor and Jay has been sure he had to wear scrubs to minimize the risk of bringing any germs or diseases into the room but the only thing he had to do was disinfecting his hands and wearing a surgical mask. Taking a deep breath he knocked onto the door and got a silent ″yes″ in response.

He opened the door slowly, not because he was afraid or regretted his decision, but because there was always something about seeing his father that took him back in time to the days when the only thing he got from him were contemptuous glances and harsh words.

His old man lay in his bed, looked pretty weak but not too bad all in all and when he saw who was entering the room his face brightened up in a way that it could easily compete with the sun that shined from the blue sky outside and let the city, that was covered in white, sparkle like diamonds.

″Jay,″ he said and his voice was a hoarse whisper.

″Uhm...hey,″ Jay said, took some more steps towards his father, for a moment not being sure whether he should remain standing on the bottom end of his bed or sit down in the chair that was placed on the left side, close to the window. ″How are you doing?″ he asked, walking around his bed and taking a seat in the chair.

″Things are looking good,″ he answered, scanning his son sternly.

″That's good,″ Jay nodded, not knowing what else to say. The atmosphere in the room was awkward as both of them didn't seem to know how to deal with each other. He still didn't feel good being in company with his father and most likely this would never change, but what helped him to feel better was the fact that donating his bone marrow to him had been a success and hadn't gone out of the window for nothing.

″Listen Jay, there's nothing I can say that expresses my gratitude for what you did for me. I didn't expect you to do this and being in your shoes I don't know whether I would've done it to be honest. You had every reason to decline it, so thank you Jay. I don't know what else to say. What I know though is that there aren't many people out there with such a history like we have who would do this for their father,″ he said, never taking his eyes off his son. ″But you are different than many people Jay. And I mean that in the most positive way although I remember the time years ago when I didn't mean it positive at all. You have golden attitudes, Jay. Keep them. Forever.″

Jay didn't answer immediately. He kept on focussing his father's brown eyes and let his words sink in. This wasn't the person he knew, this behavior wasn't the behavior he used to know, these words were words his father's never told him before, speaking them out in a voice he's never heard him speaking before. Rueful. Honest. Thankful. Trustworthy. Proud. In this moment, and for the very first time, Jay was sure that his father didn't play a game but that he has changed. That life had taught him a lesson and was successful with it. That he had thought about the things he'd done in the past, that he regretted them. He wondered whether it was having leukemia that has changed him or whether something else had happened in between the time he had accused him being guilty for their mother's death and the day he appeared in front of their apartment.

″I will,″ Jay only nodded in response. He didn't have to tell his father that he hadn't done it for him. He was sure he knew anyway. And as all the bitterness was gone he didn't feel the need to tell him exactly this in his face like he would've done maybe a couple of weeks ago. To challenge him. To bring home to him what a lousy father he's been. To tell him that he didn't care about him. Because deep inside he did care. Has cared all the way along although he had never been able to admit it, had suppressed this feeling of caring for someone who didn't deserve his care at all. But this was who he was. He couldn't turn this off with a button like turning off a light though sometimes he wished he could as it would make many things so much easier.

″You're a grandfather now,″ Jay stated matter-of-factly, changing the topic of their conversation with his words and also the atmosphere in the room. Opposite to Jay, his father didn't have to wear a surgical mask, so Jay could see how a faint smile rushed across his face.

″Congratulations,″ he said, nodding appreciatively.

″Her name's Emilia and she was born last night at 1.21am weighing 6lbs 12oz and being 19.7 inches long,″ he smiled proudly and without further thinking about it he asked: ″Do you wanna see some photos?″

″I'd love to,″ his father answered and Jay was sure seeing tears welling in his eyes behind his glasses. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and started to show him some pictures of their perfect daughter.

″She's absolutely beautiful, Jay,″ Robert said after scrolling through the photos. ″And the name you chose is just as beautiful. Did you guys decide on this date for her birth or was it coincidence?″

″She was due last Thursday and Erin went into labor on Tuesday morning but Emilia decided she needs over 15 hours to enter this world, so it was all coincidence.″

″Wow, 15 hours is a long time. Were you with her?″ he asked.

″Every single second,″ Jay answered, remembering everything from the moment he had locked up the apartment to the moment Emilia had slipped from inside of Erin's body. For nothing in this world he would've wanted to miss this. And he was sure that these long hours of her getting through the pain somehow and him supporting her in the best way he could, had brought them together even closer.

″I didn't expect anything else,″ Robert said, once again giving him an appreciative glance. ″I wasn't there when Will and you were born.″

″This honestly doesn't surprise me,″ Jay shrugged.

″I regret it,″ he admitted.

″I would, too,″ Jay said. ″This was the most amazing and impressing event of my life.″

Jay had the feeling that the air in the room was getting thicker again, maybe because of the statement of his father that he hadn't been there for their mother during the births of their sons. He had in fact never really been there for their mother so this honestly wasn't that surprising but still, in Jay's opinion it was preposterous to leave your woman alone during labor, while she was giving birth to the baby you created together, when she actually needed your support most. So before Jay started to regret his decision to make a step into his direction however, he decided it was better for him to leave now.

″I will go back to Erin and Emilia now,″ Jay said and got up from his chair. He couldn't wait to be back with his girls anyway.

″Yeah, you should. I'm sure they're already waiting for you,″ Robert answered and Jay only nodded in response before walking to the door.

″Jay,″ the voice of his father made him stop in his movement. He turned around, the door handle already in his hand, and looked at his old man. ″Thank you.″

″Yeah...uhm...no worries,″ Jay said and left the room, taking off his surgical mask while closing the door from the outside.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Are you full little girl?″ Erin asked Emilia after she had unlatched herself from Erin's nipple, looking at her mother with big, awake eyes. She pulled her shirt down, threw the cloth over her shoulder and then lifted Emilia up from her chest, so she was looking over her shoulder, holding her small head and neck with one hand and patting her back softly with her other hand until a burp slipped out of Emmy's mouth.

″Good girl,″ Erin said softly.

″I wonder where your daddy is. Of course he's letting us wait when we want to tell him big news,″ she said and chuckled slightly. She placed a kiss on the side of Emilia's head and then nestled her cheek against it. Her eyes were closed and she fully enjoyed this little moment, inhaled her daughter's baby shampoo scent while she was still drawing circles onto her back with her hand. In this moment she heard someone opening the door and her eyes fluttered open, a smile spreading over her face when she saw Jay stepping into the room.

″Talk of the devil, and his imp appears,″ Erin chuckled, throwing Jay an innocent glance.

″Who's a devil?″ he asked and sat down on the edge of her bed.

″You,″ she smirked, leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his lips. ″You smell good,″ she murmured and buried her face in his neck, inhaling his scent.

″So does this make me a good smelling devil?″ Jay laughed.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled and lifted her head again. ″But I'm afraid I have to send my good smelling devil home again.″

″What? Why?″ Jay frowned.

″Because we need her car seat so you can take us home,″ she smiled fondly while his eyes widened.

″Home...? Today...? Now...?″ he spluttered. Erin had given birth barely fifteen hours ago so the last think he has expected was that he could already take his girls home today.

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded. ″I'm doing good, Emmy's doing good, so there's no reason to stay here any longer and Dr. Hanson and the pediatrician allowed us to go home.″

″Alright,″ Jay grinned brightly and got up.

″Can you also bring that thick blanket?″

″You think we need it?″

″I don't know but it's cold outside,″ Erin shrugged. ″So maybe just bring it and we can decide then.″

″Okay,″ Jay nodded, gave her another kiss and left.

So while Jay went home to bring the car seat, Erin changed her leggins to her comfy maternity pants, unfortunately had to put on a bra again although it was a quite comfy nursing bra and slipped into a fresh shirt that showed the belly that was still forming under it. But she didn't care. This was how women looked like after giving birth and it's only been fifteen hours since she'd given birth to her daughter and she was proud of what she'd achieved last night. So everyone could see it.

She brushed her hair that was shining in brown and blonde and falling onto her shoulders and by the time Jay arrived, she had also already changed Emmy's diaper and had changed her clothes to fresh and extra cute ones. Before they left, the hospital's photographer, who always took photos of the newborns before the families went home with their new addition, came and made some very cute and beautiful portraits of sleeping Emilia and also photos with her and 'Eeyore' or the little elephant she got from Will and Erin and Jay couldn't wait to get these pictures in best quality in a couple of days.

When the little photo session was over, Erin covered Emmy's head with a beanie and put her her thick, fleecy jacket on, which was, although it was newborn-size, almost a little too big for her and settling her in her car seat, she looked completely lost.

″God she's so small,″ Jay chuckled and had to take a photo of this super cute sight before he covered her with a cozy, grey blanket with white and pink and green dots, not the really thick one but another one he'd brought from home.

″She will grow into it,″ Erin smirked.

″I'm afraid she will,″ he winked, took Erin's bag in one hand and with both of them holding the car seat in between them, they walked out of the hospital and into their new life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Installing the car seat in their car, handling it like a pro, Jay earned some impressed glances from Erin and told her that he had of course practised this earlier so they wouldn't have to be in the cold for too long, trying to figure out what they had to do.

″I guess you don't wanna drive today?″ Jay teased when he closed the back door carefully.

″I think for once I prefer the back seat,″ Erin winked and they walked around the car, Jay opening her door nonchalantly so she could slip inside, sitting down next to their baby.

″But don't get used to it. It's a one time deal,″ she chuckled when Jay took his place on the driver's seat and pulled out of the parking lot.

″One time deal like the couch-thing?" he smirked innocently.

"You're an idiot," she laughed.

"Sometimes," he winked. "But no worries, I won't bring up my hopes that high."

″Good for you,″ she said and in the rearview mirror Jay could see her smirking. ″How about we stop by in the 21st?″ she then suggested.

″Really?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows. ″I thought you rather want to go home as quick as possible.″

″I want,″ she agreed, ″but they all wanted to visit us in the hospital this evening to meet Emmy and now they can't.″

″They can visit us at home later.″

″Naaah, I rather spend an hour in the bullpen now and have a calm first evening with just my two favorites at home then,″ she smiled.

″You sure you feel up to that?″ Jay reassured himself. He wanted her to rest as he assumed she was still pretty groggy but apparently she was full of energy and maybe by now he was the one who was tired beyond limits.

″I'm good Jay. And I nursed Emmy and changed her diaper not long before we left, so that should work.″

″Alright,″ Jay nodded. ″Then off to the 21st,″ he said and took the turn to the left instead to the right on the next crossing.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

With their hands intertwined and Jay proudly carrying the car seat in his other hand, they walked up the stairs of the 21st district and when Platt saw who paid them a visit, her face brightened up in a way Erin and Jay have never thought was possible.

″No way,″ she said loudly and showed them her biggest smile. ″What are you doing here?″

″We're on our way home and thought we stop by for a minute,″ Erin grinned.

″On your way home?″ Platt echoed. ″Didn't you give birth like an hour ago?″

″More like 16 hours ago,″ Erin laughed while Jay placed the car seat with the still sleeping baby up on Platt's front desk.

″Holy hell, you're looking great,″ Platt said, scanning her from head to toes and shook her head slightly. ″And now let's look at this little peanut,″ she said, her glasses somewhere in the middle of the back of her nose what made her look like a strict teacher, and turned her attention to Emilia.

″Chuckles, she doesn't look like you,″ Platt stated all dry, not taking her eyes off the baby.

″I know,″ Jay grinned. ″She looks like Erin but she has my blues.″

″Every baby has blue eyes,″ Platt lectured him, as usual a sassy undertone in her voice.

″They will stay,″ Jay said, being pretty sure that her eyes would not change their color but would stay blue or turn into a blue-green.

″Maybe,″ Platt shrugged and then leaned down to Erin, starting to whisper conspiratorially. ″13 hours of labor?″ she asked.

″More like over 15 all in all,″ Erin whispered back. Whatever this was about, she decided to get herself into it. Her mood was too good to tell Platt that this was acutally not a topic she liked talking about with her desk sergeant.

″No drugs?″

″Nope,″ she answered and chuckled slightly.

″Jeeez, and I thought women these days need a week to recover from that,″ she said and over was the moment of whispering as her voice was back to its usual self.

″They don't and well, Erin is not every woman anyway,″ Jay said and gave his fiancée a fond wink.

″I know that Chuckles, but still, walking in here not even 24 hours later and looking like a ray of sunshine is impressive,″ she said and gave Erin a big smile.

″Well thank you,″ Erin laughed. ″Can you maybe buzz us up?″

″Of course Erin,″ Platt said all sweet and with these words, Jay took the car seat in one hand again, Erin's hand in his other and walked up the stairs.

″I still think she genuinely loves you,″ Jay murmured into her ear when they walked through the door that led up to the bullpen. ″And she doesn't even make a secret out of it.″

″Yeah, sometimes I have that feeling, too,″ Erin chuckled. ″But no worries, nothing's going to happen there,″ she joked, giving him one of her famous smirks that were his favorite.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Mouse was the first to see them and it only took some seconds and all the others had their eyes on the little Halstead family as well.

″What the hell are you guys doing here?″ Antonio laughed.

″Someone wanted to meet you all before we go home,″ Erin grinned and they all followed them to Jay's desk where he put the car seat down. He put the blanket away, took her beanie off and opened Emilia's jacket as it was quite warm in the bullpen and then they all could finally stare at the newest member of the Intelligence Unit.

″She's even more adorable than on the pictures and I didn't think this was possible,″ Al smiled. ″Congrats kiddos,″ he said and first hugged Erin and then Jay while all the others still gathered around Emilia, touched her tiny hands and talked to her in finest baby voices. Jay was glad that newborn sleep was so deep and she would most likely not hear these dorks.

″Good job, bro,″ Antonio said and gave Jay a pat on the back before he hugged him. ″And of course outstanding job, Erin,″ he smiled at the younger woman and also hugged her tightly. They were hugged and congratulated by all the others as well and all the time Hank leaned against the doorframe of his office and watched his team attentively. Especially Erin. She was glowing. And he was sure he had never seen her this happy before. And he also had to admit that he hadn't thought that becoming a mother would make her smile like this. Gone was the Erin from the beginning of her pregnancy, when she didn't care about her baby, when she was scared and insecure, when she couldn't be happy about this little miracle. Of course she has grown into it during the last few months, especially after all the happenings with Olivia, but seeing her like this now melted his heart. She seemed to be confident and was without a doubt super proud of her little daughter.

″As the result turned out so great, you guys should really repeat that on the next occasion,″ Adam joked.

″Ruzek, stop it! Not that they get into mischief,″ Hank called.

″No worries, she's going to stay an only child because I'm NEVER going to do that again,″ Erin laughed and in the same moment Emilia started to whimper, grimaced in the cutest way. Erin leaned over her car seat, took her her jacket off and then lifted her up, pressed her against her chest carefully and then sat down in the chair on her desk. This little bit of contact with her mother was enough for her to settle instantly and Jay handed Erin the blanket and helped her to slightly wrap it around their daughter's tiny frame.

″You two are a pretty good team already,″ Kevin smirked to Jay, who was now standing behind Erin, massaging her shoulders and her neck gently.

″You wanna tell us we weren't a good and badass team before?″ Jay laughed and raised his eyebrows.

″Oh no, most badass team there is,″ Kevin laughed. ″I just meant you guys are a good team on the parents front. Looks like you never did anything else,″ he winked.

As Emilia was completely calm now again, Erin and Jay stayed in the bullpen for a little while longer and left with them together when Hank called it a day. But before they got more stuffies from each of their team members, which they had hidden in their lockers and Erin asked them whether they had robbed the Disney Store together during a cloak-and-dagger operation as it were all stuffies from various Disney movies. And they really had to give their best to not laughing out aloud when Mouse handed them a plush Minnie Mouse, telling them he thought it suited perfectly and they would always remember from whom they got this gift. Shortly before they all left Kim finally returned from patrol and all the sqeaking and hugging and talking in baby voice started again.

Erin and Jay fully enjoyed the time with their team members, their chosen family, but they were also glad when they were in the car again, finally on their way home, so they could settle in their apartment and bond a little more.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Home sweet home,″ Jay said after unlocking the door of their apartment later that evening. He placed the car seat on the dining table, unpacked Emilia from her blanket and all the thick winter clothes and lifted her up, ready for his mission to show her the apartment. So he took her to the nursery, showed her the room that was all hers, then showed her the bedroom and the bassinet where she would sleep in during the first weeks and then returned to the living room, where Erin was sitting on the couch and he couldn't bite back to say a comment about this one couch.

″Look Emmy, thanks to this couch you're here today,″ he said and he saw how Erin's eyes fell on him, saw in the corner of his eyes how she raised her eyebrows. He turned her head to her and gave her the most innocent smile.

″So you mean if I slept with you in the bedroom that night I wouldn't have ended up pregnant?″ she chuckled.

″We'll never know,″ he laughed. ″But I like the way things have turned out.″

″Me too,″ Erin said quietly, got up from the couch and pressed a kiss against his lips. ″So are you okay with ordering pasta or pizza?″ she yawned.

″I can cook something,″ Jay suggested.

″Let's stick to takeout today, okay? We're both tired and you can cook any other day of the week,″ she smiled and gave him another kiss. Of course Jay would stay home with Erin for at least a week. He preferred two weeks and he hoped that Hank would grant him these full two weeks as he knew things wouldn't be so smooth like right now in the first weeks with a newborn baby.

″Alright,″ he nodded. ″You order, I change Emmy's clothes to a comfy stretchie?″

″Sounds good,″ Erin agreed, so Jay went into the nursery and before ordering dinner, Erin first changed her pants to her beloved leggins and took off her bra that seemed to be a little tight, although she had bought it late in her pregnancy so that it would fit. But with her basically being a milking machine now, her breasts have even become a little fuller than during her pregnancy.

Meanwhile Jay was in the nursery and already finding a stretchie was a challenge as they had bought so many and they were all so cute that he couldn't decide for one.

″What do you think Emmy, is white with pink fine?″ he asked his daughter and then simply grabbed the white one with the light and dark grey and pink dots, pink cuffs and tootsy and a smiling, pink giraffe on front of it.

″Alright, here we go,″ he said and lay her down on the mat of the changing table.

″Let's take a look into your diaper little lady,″ he said after undressing her.

″Ouh, looks like daddy was faster than you could start to cry, huh?″ he grinned, tossed the dirty diaper into the garbage can next to the changing table and put her a new diaper and a fresh onesie on.

″So, now we only have to manage this,″ he said, holding up the long-sleeved stretchie, Emilia scanning him with awake eyes.

″One foot in here, one foot in here, one arm in here and the other arm in here,″ he said while dressing her carefully, still being a little scared that he could break her.

″Hah, we made it Emmy. Aren't we awesome?″ he laughed after closing the buttons and also covering her tiny feet with some extra socks so they wouldn't get cold.

″We are a good team, baby girl,″ he whispered and leaned down to kiss her mellow head before he picked her up, resting his face against the soft skin of her cheeks for a moment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After bringing her to bed together and watching how her eyes slowly fell shut, Erin and Jay went back to the living room and enjoyed some moments of cuddling before their takeout arrived. But as soon as they started eating, Emilia's loud, unsatisfied crying sounded through the apartment, signalising them that she was hungry too.

″So I guess this is our life now,″ Erin grinned but also couldn't suppress a sigh, took another bite from her pizza and went to the bedroom to pick Emilia up.

With Emilia and the big nursing pillow they had bought she joined Jay in the living room again a couple of seconds later. She placed her on the pillow and then settled her against her breast and she started nursing directly. Having her one arm around her baby's butt and back and her hand on her head to give her some stabilization, she had still one hand free to eat her pizza. Things got only complicated when she wanted to eat some of Jay's spaghetti, as they had agreed to share, so while she was supplying her baby with food, Jay was supplying her with food by bringing spoons full of pasta directly in front of her mouth. The awkwardness of this situation made them both chuckling a little but this was how their life would look like from now on. Emilia came first and all the other things followed then. They knew having a newborn at home would not always be this smooth. It would be a challenge, especially the sleepless nights and the ever-lasting exhaustion during the first weeks until they would maybe find a rhythm.

But for now they fully wanted to enjoy these calm and unstressful moments of love and after nursing and feeding and eating was done, when Erin curled into Jay's side on the couch, Emilia resting on his chest once again, covered with a blanket, they used the time until her eyes fell shut again for more kisses and cuddles, for talking to her with soothing voices, for stroking her back and touching her fingers. For finally really realizing that this little bundle of joy was all theirs. For the rest of their life...

* * *

 **I hope you liked all the fluff! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)  
**


	41. Sleepless Nights

**Just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews on my last chapter! Unfortunately I don't have much time to write at the moment (plus I got distracted with writing a oneshot which I will post next week) so my updating rhythm will be a little longer than usual for the next few weeks but I hope you'll stick with me anyway! And of course I hope you enjoy this new chapter full of domestic Linstead now that they're home with their baby! :)**

* * *

 **41\. Sleepless Nights**

Exhaustion. Pure, absolute, all-pervasive exhaustion. This was what Erin and Jay felt after the first three days at home on the evening of the 4th of February. The last days since bringing Emmy home from the hospital on Wednesday evening had consisted of sleepless nights and then them trying to make it through the days somehow. Days in pajamas or sweatpants and shirts that were covered with baby drool. Days they spent in their apartment, with the only exception of Jay running for errands and diapers the other day, as they were too tired to leave their little nest. Having a newborn and finding a routine with their baby was without a doubt one of the biggest challenges two people could face. Emilia's intense crying woke them up every two hours at night and didn't let them get back to sleep for a full hour then as she needed at least one of her parents's full attention to settle again. So they were basically up 24/7 at the moment.

Just this morning Jay had suggested that Erin should simply sleep throughout the day when Emilia was sleeping as well, because this was what mothers did, they slept when their babies slept. And it had worked surprisingly well. Jay had taken care of Emilia when she had started to get unsettled, had changed her diaper and had then spent an hour with her in the rocking chair, telling her stories until she'd lulled back to sleep, so Erin had gotten a full three hours of undisturbed sleep until Emilia had started to get hungry. She didn't really have a rhythm yet when she was hungry, sometimes it were two hours in between nursing, sometimes it were up to four but all in all Erin nursed her 10 to 12 times in 24 hours, which was exactly what their midwife had told them how often she should nurse her in the beginning. So while then Erin had been the one to take care of Emilia, she had suggested that Jay should lie down too and try to catch some sleep as he wasn't any less tired than she was. Needless to say that he was in dreamland literally not even a minute after his head has hit the soft cushions.

Next to nursing her baby, changing her diaper and rocking her to sleep Erin used the time to finally skype with Justin, Olive and Daniel, getting the news that she was going to be an aunt again from them. She then continued her skype-session with Liv and Noah, the latter being as goofy as always, making silly faces all the time, and last but not least she also skyped with Michael and Susan, who were super excited and discussed jumping on the next plane to meet Emilia in person. During all the time she was sitting in the rocking chair in Emmy's room, her daughter always resting on her chest, swaddled in a blanket, while she used the iPad to talk with some of her favorite people. When she'd finished her skyping with Michael and Susan she was kinda glad about the time difference to Australia, so she didn't have to skype with Izzie, too and could postpone this to another day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You're doing so good, baby girl,″ Erin whispered and Jay's eyes fluttered open by the soothing sound of her voice. He turned his head to her side of the bed and a smile spread across his face instantly when he saw Erin lying there on her left side, her bottom arm tucked under her head, nursing Emilia while her other hand softly cradled the newborn's head. This has become Erin's favorite way of breastfeeding but sitting on the comfy rocking chair or the couch to nurse her wasn't that bad either and she tried to use a different position every time.

″Sleeping beauty is awake,″ Erin grinned at him.

″More like the living exhaustion is awake,″ he chuckled and brought himself closer to his two girls, stroking over his daughter's tiny feet that were covered in thick socks.

″Don't you dare to complain, you slept for more than four hours,″ Erin noticed all dry and Jay's eyes widened by her words.

″Why do I feel like I've been hit by a truck anyway?″ he yawned.

″Because you maybe need more like 40 hours of sleep in a row?″ she laughed slightly, trying not disturb Emmy's nursing.

″Maybe we should consider letting Will kidnap her,″ Jay joked, smirking at her with eyes full of love. ″But just for two days or so. Per week,″ he added.

″Did you hear that Emmy? Daddy just simply wants to give you to your uncle so he can have his beauty sleep,″ Erin chuckled.

″I need to set priorities, right?″ he laughed and couldn't take his eyes away from his daughter once again. ″But jokes aside, no matter how stressful it is, I don't wanna spend a single night away from her for the next couple of years.″

″Is that so?″ Erin asked, turning her attention from her baby to her fiancé and raised her eyebrows. ″What about the honeymoon though?″

″Well, except for the one week we'll go to the Fiji Islands of course,″ he grinned.

″You still dream about Fiji?″

″I still dream about seeing you in a little hula skirt,″ he chuckled.

″And I can still tell you that this is not going to happen,″ she laughed and shook her head, turning her attention to Emilia again, who had just unlatched herself from her nipple. Erin adjusted her position in the bed so that she was now sitting against the back of the bed, and picked Emilia up.

″We'll see,″ he winked. ″But did you think about the possibility of going on honeymoon without her?″

″Naah, not really,″ Erin answered, softly patting Emmy's back to help her to burp. ″She's just four days old and at the moment I can't imagine leaving her with someone else, you know?″

″I have to admit, at the moment I can't imagine leaving her with someone else for a whole week either,″ he said.

″Let's decide this is a month, okay? Because honestly, at the moment our honeymoon is one of the last things on my mind,″ she answered and a loud yawn escaped from her lips. ″Plus, in a month we might be so desperate and sleep-deprived that we don't even have to think about it.″

″Sure, we still have time,″ Jay smiled while a burp came from Emilia's mouth.

″Good girl,″ Erin whispered and placed a kiss on the side of her head. ″So now it's bathing time with daddy.″

Since Erin was the one who could use breastfeeding for bonding a little more with their daughter, they had agreed that Jay was the one who would bathe her in the evenings and today would be her first bath at home. And since Emmy was born in the tub and seemed to enjoy bathing and the warm water a lot, they just've had the idea this morning that Jay could take a bath with her together in their big bathtub. So after filling the tub with warm water and baby bath foam, Jay lay down in the tub and Erin placed Emilia on his bare chest.

″Just take care that the water doesn't reach her head,″ Erin, who was sitting on the edge of the tub, said, running water over Emmy's back with her hands.

″I'll get it handled,″ Jay assured her and had to smile. Erin in full mommy-mode was the cutest thing to witness.

″I know you do, sorry,″ she smiled. ″You need anything else?″

″Maybe you can place a towel within reach, just in case I need one to cover her a little.″

Erin got up, took a towel out of the small closet and placed it on the edge.

″Well, have fun guys,″ Erin said and leaned down to kiss Jay. ″I'll go and cook something.″

″Don't burn the kitchen down...or the entire apartment,″ Jay chuckled and grinned at her all innocent. Although they were sleep-deprived beyond limits, their special banter was still fully awake.

″If you didn't have the baby on your chest right now I would punch you really bad Jay Halstead, just that you know,″ Erin winked and turned around to give Jay and Emilia their deserved alone-time.

″Your mommy is so violent sometimes, Emmy,″ he told his daughter with a laugh. ″But I'm sure it'll be eatable and not so bad because she's learned a lot already,″ he added, now grinning at Erin again.

″Was this a hidden compliment about my cooking skills?″

″Maybe,″ he smirked. ″I mean, I can't deny that they've improved.″

″Why thank you,″ she laughed, feeling her cheeks blush a little. ″But don't expect something glamorous today,″ she said and left her two favorites alone for real this time.

″Your mommy is the most adorable person in this world, Emmy,″ Jay whispered, always running water over her back with his hand so she wouldn't get cold. ″She tries so hard to be perfect and wants to make all things right but she doesn't realize that she already is perfect. I mean, of course she has her imperfections, just like me, just like everyone, but for me she couldn't be any more perfect,″ he said. He looked down to his daughter and she yawned. It was the cutest thing to watch how she grimaced.

″Well, I guess you don't want to hear me talking about how much I love your mommy, huh?″ he chuckled. ″How about I talk about how much I love you and how perfect you are? Would that be better?″

He sat up a little and picked his daughter up from his chest to hold her in front of him, her head resting in his palms and the rest of her tiny body on his arms in the water. She looked at him with her awake, big blue eyes as if she was waiting for him to continue talking.

″How did I get blessed with so much perfection?″ Jay whispered fascinated. ″Do you know how beautiful you are baby girl? I'm afraid I'll have to lock you in your room when you're older because there will be lots of boys who want to date you but daddy doesn't want to have them near you,″ he chuckled. ″So I guess I'm just warning you now already because you can't disagree and have to accept it.″

He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Emmy's forehead. ″Maybe sometimes it won't be easy to be your daddy but always remember that I love you, Emmy, and that I'll always be there for you,″ he said quietly and kissed her mellow cheek before they continued their staring contest for a little while longer, before he lay back against the wall of the tub again with Emmy resting on his chest again, enjoying every single second of this new life. It was stressful and exhausting but all these calm moments full of love absolutely made up for it and he couldn't imagine a life without this little person anymore.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After finishing their bath, Jay carried Emilia to her room, lotioned her skin with baby lotion and made her ready for the night, dressing her in a Blackhawks stretchie they'd of course gotten from Kevin, Adam and Mouse, in addition to the Cubs and the Bears and the Bulls stretchies and onesies and even socks. She had to cheer for the right teams from the very beginning after all. This had been their friends's explanation why they'd overflowed them with all the stuff of the Chicago teams. And Jay had to admit, she looked way too cute in her red Blackhawks stretchie or the dark blue Bears stretchie she'd worn the night before. After closing all the buttons, he swaddled her in her blanket and brought her to the bedroom to put her into her bassinet, her eyes already being heavy and sleep only seemed seconds away. He waited until they fell shut, changed the towel that was wrapped around his waist against some boxers, sweatpants and a shirt and then joined Erin in the living room.

″Dinner's ready in a sec,″ she said and watched him throwing himself onto the couch with a deep sigh escaping from his lips.

″What did you cook?″ he asked, another yawn escaping from his mouth as he propped his feet up on the coffee table.

″Mac and cheese,″ she answered, walked to the couch, handed him one of the full plates and a fork and sat down next to him, also propped her feet up on the table. ″I know I should really start to cook healthier with more vegetables and vitamins and all that stuff but I simply wasn't keen on washing, peeling and cutting vegetables. But at least the sauce is homemade,″ she sighed.

″Hey babe, I'm totally okay with mac and cheese,″ Jay said and gave her an encouraging smile. He was amazed that she'd decided to rather cook something herself than simply order something anyway and he got the feeling that the days of ordering food for five days in a row were over.

″Yeah...I mean...it's delicious but I don't wanna eat that much junk food and takeout anymore,″ she said while she started to eat her dish, confirming exactly the thoughts that he had in his mind right now.

″It's the easiest thing at the moment. None of us has time to spend two hours with cooking,″ he shrugged.

″I know,″ Erin sighed. ″But breastfeeding Emmy means she basically eats the same things that I eat. And I really want her to get healthy things as often as possible. So we'll use more vegetables and fruits and rice and lettuce in the future,″ she added, a glimmer of determination in her eyes.

″Alright,″ Jay smirked. ″I'm sure we'll get lots of vegetables tomorrow at Hank's though.″

″Yeah, most probably,″ she laughed.

Hank had invited them for lunch on Sunday and of course they had agreed. Hank's homemade food was always to die for and they couldn't hide in their little nest forever, needed to get out of their apartment anyway and make some steps back into civilization so this was the perfect occasion to do so. Furthermore they wanted to stroll along the River Walk or the Lake Front Trail in the morning as the freezing cold was gone for now and as all the snow from the day before Emmy was born was finally melting so that it wasn't a problem to use the stroller outside.

They enjoyed the rest of their dinner in silence and no baby cries interrupted them this time, which was a rare thing. After placing their plates on the coffee table in front of them, Erin curled into Jay's side, her head resting on his chest while she listened to the beating of his heart, her fingers tracing soft circles and other patterns onto his shirt. He wrapped his arm around her to pull her even closer to his body and before they would fall asleep in the dimmed light of the living room, he turned the TV on, the sports channel to be precise, just as always.

″You smell of baby bath foam,″ Erin mumbled, nuzzling her nose onto his shirt.

″Yeah, guess that's my new cologne. You like it?″ he laughed.

″Oh yes, so sexy,″ she murmured and chuckled slightly. ″Reminds me that I still have to take a shower as long as our little monster is peacefully sleeping.″

″Don't let me stop you,″ he said and and had to grin as he looked down to her. She had her eyes closed and she didn't seem exactly eager to get up now, seemed more like to doze off any second.

″Just five more minutes,″ she yawned.

″Alright,″ Jay grinned and kissed her hair, his hand always stroking up and down her back. ″Shall I wake you up in five minutes in case you fall asleep?″ he joked.

″Maybe,″ she mumbled, being half asleep already, and this was the last word that escaped from her lips before her breathing changed into that kind of deep breathing that people only had when they were sleeping. Jay turned the volume of the TV down a bit and let Erin sleep for the next hour. She needed it, more than a shower for sure, so using all the time she got to squeeze in a quick nap wasn't the worst thing to do.

Brushing a strand of her quite messy looking hair out of her face and kissing her cheek gently he woke her up in the most tender way possible.

″You still want to take that shower?″ he whispered when her eyes slowly fluttered open. ″Otherwise just keep on sleeping.″

″How long was I out?″ she asked but still couldn't motivate herself to change her position. Snuggling into Jay like this was simply the best and most comfortable thing in the world. At least for her. For him maybe not so much.

″Little more than an hour.″

″Ouh awesome, then she'll most likely wake up and be hungry within the next thirty minutes anyway,″ Erin sighed. ″So I guess no shower for me today.″

″Er, just go and take your well-deserved shower, I'll get it handled,″ Jay said.

″Apart from the fact that you can't give her what she wants,″ Erin chuckled. ″Because you know, could get difficult without the boobs.″

″Oh, really? I didn't know that and thought I should maybe simply try it,″ he teased, a dorky smirk covering his face, earning a head-shaking from her in response. ″No seriously, I'll entertain her until you're done.″

″Okay, I try to make it quick,″ she answered and got out of his embrace to shuffle into the bedroom to grab some clothes before disappearing in the bathroom.

It haven't even been five minutes since the water's started running in the bathroom when Jay heard the familar, quiet mewling from the bedroom. He got up from the couch rather quick before it would turn into loud cries that would make Erin abort her shower immediately.

″What's up princess?″ Jay asked as he leaned over the bassinet to pick his daughter up. He pressed her against his chest softly, rubbed her small back with his hand and rocked her gently by teetering from one foot to the other. Surprisingly she started to calm down instantly instead of crying even louder.

″Seems like being hungry wasn't your problem, huh?″ Jay asked her with a soothing voice. ″I guess this was more of an attention problem, right? But daddy's got you and now everything is fine baby girl,″ he added and grabbed her cozy blanket before he sat down on the edge of the bed with her. He turned the faint light of the bedside lamp on, rearranged his pillows and then lay down, Emilia resting on his chest respectively stomach, covered with her blanket. The moment his head hit the deep, soft cushions, all the tiredness hit him even more.

″How's that Emmy? Is this good?″ he asked but the fact that she was all calm confirmed him that she was satisfied. At least for now. He kept on rubbing her back for a little while longer, talked with her, but his eyelids got heavier and heavier in the faint light of the bedroom and at some point he allowed himself to close them for just a second.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After brushing her teeth, blow-drying her hair and slipping into her comfy pajamas Erin felt a whole lot better than before, felt more like a human again than a zombie. She tossed her clothes, which she had just plunked down on the floor earlier, into the laundry hamper only to realize that it was already overflowing with dirty clothes. Since having a baby the amount of laundry has doubled and they urgently needed to wash. But their whole apartment was a bit messy at the moment as they didn't get anything done and preferred to use Emmy's naptime to sleep or just relax, too. Thankfully they had a dishwasher, otherwise all the dirty dishes would pile up in the kitchen, too.

″Tomorrow,″ Erin sighed and tucked the clothes into it, leaving the cover open. She shuffled back into the bedroom, ready to hit the cushions, but what she saw once she walked into the room melted her heart in various ways. Jay was lying on his side of the bed, snoring quietly, and Emilia was sleeping on his chest while his hand covered her back protectively. Both of their mouths were slightly agape and they both looked so peaceful, it was beyond adorable. Erin tiptoed through the room and sat down on her side of the bed, tucked her knees to her body so she could rest her head on them and just watched Jay and Emilia sleeping for a while. She loved these two so much, it was unreal and every time she looked at them she had to smile. It was that kind of love words could not express, that kind of love that was indescribable. No matter how chaotic their life was right now, she loved every single bit of it and wouldn't change it for a thing. This wasn't the life she'd always thought she wanted but it was without a doubt exactly what she needed. And now, seeing this perfect little human and having her in their life, she couldn't imagine anymore that there had been a time when she didn't want this, when she didn't want to have her baby, when she was so damn close to end her baby's life. A lump built up in her throat and tears formed in her eyes by these thoughts. She tried to blink them away but there was no chance and they started to stream down her face like a river. Unstoppable.

The sound of a sob right next to him let Jay wake up and his heart dropped to his knees by the inevitable thought that something bad has happened. He turned his head to Erin's side of the bed but only saw her getting up.

″Erin?″ he asked quietly and sat up.

″Keep on sleeping,″ she said with another sob escaping from her mouth and she didn't dare to look at him.

″Babe what's going on?″ he asked and his voice was clearly worried.

″Nothing,″ she shrugged.

″No, no, no, not this again,″ Jay said and placed Emilia on the sheets in front of him before reaching for Erin's hand and pulling her back down to the bed. She didn't even try to resist, her hand and arm felt limp. He leaned back against the cushions and without asking her anything else he pulled her into his embrace, holding her as tight as possible. She buried her face in his chest and kept on sobbing. Jay had absolutely no idea what was going on and he was beyond worried. Finding his fiancée crying heavily wasn't the nicest thing to wake up to, especially since there had been absolutely no indications that she was unhappy or depressed. The first thought that came into his mind was postpartum depression. He'd read about it in one of the various pregnancy books he'd studied in the months leading to Emilia's birth. But ever since they'd brought Emmy home Erin seemed to be happier than ever, so all of this didn't fit together.

Jay decided to wait for her until she was ready to tell him what was going on and let her cry as long as she needed to. He stroked her cheek and her hair with his thumb and whispered that everything was okay and that he was there for her. It took a while but eventually the sobs faded and she started to calm down.

″I'm sorry for waking you up,″ she mumbled into his shirt with a cracky voice.

″It's okay,″ he whispered, kissing her hair gently. ″What happened, Er?″

He heard and felt how she took a deep breath and then lifted her head and got out of his embrace, glancing at Emilia who slept further down on the bed.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″These bloody hormones still have a way too big influence on me I guess.″

This wasn't the answer Jay was waiting for and he knew that she knew it. So he waited for her to continue, gave her more of the time she obviously needed. The room fell into silence and while Jay scanned her sternly, Erin kept on staring at Emilia and tears started to fall from her eyes again. Although he got more and more worried he still didn't push her to talk to him. He just squeezed her hand that was intertwined with his to show her that he was there and that he was going to wait patiently until she was ready and could share her thoughts with him, could talk it all off her chest.

″I can't believe I didn't want her,″ she sobbed with a voice that was barely a whisper, finally speaking out loud what was going on inside of her at the moment. ″I can't believe I didn't want her,″ she repeated her words as more tears fell from her eyes. She inhaled a deep breath of air as she tried to calm herself down, swallowed the lump in her throat.

″When I came into the room and saw the two of you my heart melted in five million different ways and I couldn't do anything but staring at you. And then it hit me with full force that I almost killed her in the beginning of my pregnancy, that I didn't want her,″ she managed to say and stopped again to take another breath of air. ″Apart from you this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was so close to make the biggest mistake of my life. So close Jay,″ she said and showed him the small margin with two of her fingers. ″And now I can't stop thinking that I almost killed her and that we would never have known her then,″ she said and her voice got crackier again.

″Erin you were scared and overstrained,″ Jay said quietly and pulled her into his embrace again.

″Yeah, but I had no reason and no right to do it. It wasn't like when I was fifteen, where I had no real choice and where it was for the better for the baby not to be born into my fucked up life. This time I was an adult in a stable relationship and still I considered killig her. It's no excuse that just because I couldn't deal with it and was overstrained and scared and whatever else I almost decided to rather kill her than have her. My own child Jay,″ she sobbed.

″But you didn't,″ he mumbled into her hair, trying to say anything that would help her to feel at least a little better. He has always wondered whether this topic would come up again, whether it would catch her again that her first intention had been to abort their baby. ″That's all that matters. You didn't do it. You decided for our family because from the moment you heard her heartbeat and saw her on the screen for the first time you loved her although you might didn't realize it back then. And she's here now with us, all happy and healthy because of you. You are a rockstar, Er. Nine months long she grew inside of you into this perfect, adorable, little human and you protected her and then delivered her into this world safe and sound. That's what matters and that's something you can be proud of. You did an incredible job. You still do,″ he said emphatically. Erin didn't answer immediately, seemed to let his words sink in, but when she did her voice was surprisingly clear.

″It was not just seeing her on the screen and hearing her heart beating. The words you said back then, that you want us to be a family and that we will make it work and that you will be there had really had a big impact on me,″ she said and got out of his embrace again so that she was able to look at him. ″So thank you Jay. For the things you said back then, for the things you said within the last couple of months, for the things you said today. Without you I'd be lost in so many ways,″ she whispered and closed the gap between their faces to place a soft, thankful kiss on his lips.

″I love you,″ she said after the kiss, a faint smile returning to her face. ″I love you so much. Thank you for being you, for being the way you are. For being so amazing and perfect. And well, thank you for knocking me up I guess,″ she grinned and chuckled slightly, wiped the last tears away with her hand.

″You're welcome,″ Jay laughed and leaned in again to kiss her. ″Thank you for everything, Er. This is a dream coming true. That kind of dream I never even dared to hope that it would come true one day. You and Emmy are my life. And I love you. You can't even imagine how much I love you,″ he smirked and just when he wanted to kiss her again, Emilia's loud crying interrupted them.

″I've been waiting for this to happen,″ Erin chuckled, crawled to the end of the bed and picked her up. ″Guess you're hungry little lady, huh?″

″I swear if she's doing this once we'll get back to play scrabble, I'll be mad,″ Jay laughed while Erin leaned against the back of the bed and the pillows, lifted the shirt of her pajama and settled Emilia against her breast. Just as always she latched onto her nipple immediately and started nursing.

″Chances are high that this is going to happen,″ she grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded, embracing Emmy's tiny foot with his hand. ″You're such a good eater, little lady.″

″I wonder where this comes from,″ Erin laughed, giving him an all innocent smile.

″I have no clue,″ he smirked.

″This is definitely a Halstead-thing. But seriously, she makes it pretty easy for me because she knows exactly what she wants.″

″I wonder where this comes from,″ Jay repeated her words and now he was the one with the innocent and winning smirk on his lips as he meant of course that she had this from Erin.

″Well, given the fact that she goes straight for the boobs this question is not so hard to answer,″ Erin grinned teasingly, just as always making sure that she was winning this little verbal fight.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It felt like they have only been sleeping for five minutes since Emilia's eyes fell shut last when her crying ended the peaceful silence in the bedroom later that night.

″Really?″ Erin yawned and pulled the pillow over her head while Jay turned around to his bedside table and checked the clock. It was 1.07am.

″She slept for almost two hours,″ he noticed.

″Did she? Feels more like five minutes to me,″ she sighed and pulled her tired body up.

″Stay. I'll get her,″ Jay said as he was already unwrapping himself from the sheets. He got up and padded to the bassinet, picked the screaming bundle of life up into his arms.

″Is she hungry?″ Erin asked.

″Nope, smells more like a diaper problem,″ Jay chuckled. ″So let's solve this problem Emmy, what do you say?″ he soothed and left Erin alone in the bedroom.

While Erin's eyes fell shut again within minutes, Jay and Emmy stayed in the nursery after changing her diaper as she was a little unsettled and he wanted Erin to catch a little more sleep as long as Emilia was not hungry. He grabbed the 'Eeyore' that has found its spot in the crib and sat down in the rocking chair, Emilia staring at him with awake eyes, sometimes kicking with her little arms.

″Look Emmy, this is Eeyore,″ Jay said and showed her the quite big stuffy, almost as big as Emmy herself. Of course he knew that she wasn't able to discern this yet, wasn't able to grab for it either but he'd read in a baby book that it was a good thing to show babies toys from the very beginning.

″You got him from grandpa Hank,″ he continued and instead of Jay, Emilia now stared at the stuffy. ″I think he's cute. I mean, not your grandpa, but Eeyore,″ he laughed.

″I know he looks a little sad with his big eyes and his floppy ears but he also smiles a little, don't you think?″ he asked and eyed the stuffy's mouth. ″Yeah, I'd say that's definitely a little smile,″ he added and had to grin by the thought what he was doing here. Analyzing a stuffy and its facial features and telling his daughter about it who could neither answer him nor understand him. But it seemed like she listened to him attentively and was all calm for now.

″He's so sad because he always loses his tail,″ he said and only now he saw the Velcro that connected the tail with the butt. They really thought about everything these days when it came to producing toys.

″You wanna hear a little more about Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh? I'm not sure whether I remember much but I can for sure try because it was one of my favorite stories and my mom had to read me stories every evening,″ he smiled and started to tell Emilia the bits and pieces he remembered from his childhood, from the stories of Winnie the Pooh his mother had told him when he was a child.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin's eyes darted open after she'd reached for Jay in her sleep but her hands had grabbed for nothing, had only felt the matress and the sheets. His side of the bed was still abandoned, empty and cold. Checking the time on her alarm clock she realized that it was after 2am. She got up and padded to the nursery, wanted to make sure that everything was alright.

″Hey,″ Jay smiled when he saw her walking into the room.

″Hey,″ she said and walked behind him, looked over his shoulder into their sleeping daughter's angelic face. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, she was just a little unsettled, so I decided to stay here and let you sleep. She fell asleep a couple of minutes ago after I told her stories about Winnie the Pooh for almost an hour,″ he smirked, turning his head to her.

″She's so spoiled,″ Erin chuckled, massaging his shoulders with her hands.

″Maybe,″ Jay grinned and turned his glance to Emilia again. The room fell into a moment of silence as Jay enjoyed the massage Erin was giving him and he felt so at peace with himself and with his life like never before. Telling Emilia stories about his favorite children's book and therefore remembering one of the few positive childhood memories he had, had made him realize that there was one thing he needed and wanted to do now. One thing he's avoided to do if possible in the last couple of years because he'd never felt ready for it, because it had hurt too much for him to take it.

″Erin?″ he mumbled while he kept his eyes closed.

″Huh?″ she asked and response, feeling how his shoulders and probably his whole body tightened. Whatever he was going to tell her, she knew in this moment it wasn't something that came easy for him.

″About tomorrow...in between taking a stroll and visiting Hank...could we...uhm...could we maybe go to my mom's grave?″ The question came shy and Erin heard the pain in his voice. His mother and her death and that she died thinking he was dead was still the one thing in his life he couldn't deal with too well. The one big demon he was still fighting against hardly and maybe forever would. The one topic that made him the most vulnerable because he was so sensitive about it.

″Of course we can Jay,″ she said and leaned over the backrest of the rocking chair to place a kiss on his hair.

″I haven't been there in a while because...I don't know...,″ he stammered. ″Whenever I'm there I have the feeling the pain and the guilt is ripping me apart,″ he choked. His voice was barely a whisper and the broken and hurt tone of it also broke Erin's heart into pieces. ″But now I somehow want to go there to introduce Emmy, you know? It's maybe stupid because you can't introduce someone to a dead person but...-″

″Hey Jay,″ she interrupted him and got down on her knees next to him so she was able to see his face. ″It's not stupid at all,″ she whispered and embraced his arm supportingly, stroked his skin with her thumb.

″Thank you,″ he said and managed to smile faintly at her.

″You're welcome,″ she smiled. ″How about we try for another round of sleep?″

″I guess she'll be hungry within the next hour.″

″At this point an hour is better than nothing,″ she winked.

″Alright, it's worth a try,″ he answered and got up.

They put Emilia into her bassinet and both kissed her forehead before they literally fell into their bed, all cuddled up to each other because this was all they needed right now. These sleepless nights were hard, especially this night as they've had to deal with so many emotions. But these sleepless nights, this one in particular, also showed that they were stronger together, that they were still growing stronger together with every day passing or in this case, with every night they spent awake, taking care of their daughter. Showed the special bond they shared. That special bond of pure trust, of always understanding each other, of always supporting each other, of always listening to each other, to the unspoken and the vocalized words. Of always being there for each other. No matter what...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! :) Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)**


	42. The People We Call Family

**Hey there,**

 **first of all I hope you all had nice holidays with your loved ones! Thank you your reviews and sorry for letting you wait for quite a while! Just this week I realized that I started writing this story last year around Christmas and back then I didn't think I would be at 42 chapters a year later and that I would still have enough ideas to keep it going for a little while longer :) So, thank you all a lot for your ongoing support, it really motivates me to give you more and I hope you still like what I scrawl down :)**

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 **42\. The People We Call Family**

It's been another night with four hours of sleep, if at all, when the daybreak heralded the start of a new day. After staying in bed a little while longer to enjoy some Sunday morning cuddles, with Emmy lying in the bed between the two of them, and a delicious breakfast consisting of Jay's homemade chocolate chip pancakes and fresh fruits and after packing the diaper bag, they were finally ready for leaving their nest, for their first little trip and outing as a family of three.

″Do you think we have everything?″ Erin asked Jay, opening the diaper bag again to take a look inside while he was settling Emilia in her car seat.

″Er, we checked it twice and I'm sure we have all we need,″ Jay assured her.

″Blankets, change of clothes for me and her, diapers, baby wipes, a towel...is there anything else we could need?″ she asked him again.

″Not that I know of,″ he said. ″Are you ready then?″

″Yeah, I think so,″ she sighed but a small smile of excitement formed on her lips anyway.

″Then let's conquer the world,″ Jay laughed and grabbed her hand.

Reaching for Jay's hand and taking a look at her daughter who slept peacefully in her car seat, she asked, ″Do you think she's warm enough?″

″Yeah, I think she might rather be melting than freezing,″ Jay winked.

″It's insanely cold outside,″ Erin noticed.

″It is. But she's wearing the warmest romper they had in the store and she'll be all packed up in the stroller, so if someone's freezing to death, it'll be us, not her. Come on,″ he smiled.

″Alright,″ she sighed in response. ″Let's conquer the outside world,″ she repeated his words with a little smile on her face, Jay squeezing her hand gently before they left their apartment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They parked the car in a parking garage near Grant Park, put Emilia from her car seat into the stroller and then walked along the Lake Front Trail for almost an hour, Jay pushing the stroller all proud and having his other arm around Erin's shoulder, Erin having her arm wrapped around his waist. It was cold, not as cold as it had been during this winter already and nothing they weren't used to. When the name of your hometown was Chicago you were definitely used to winters that felt like you lived somewhere close to the polar regions. But it was still freezing for sure and they both couldn't wait for winter to finally be over as it felt like forever since they last had more or less pleasant temperatures.

Nonetheless they enjoyed the fresh air and the faint winter sun and being out of their apartment in general as it was a really welcome change to just spending the days inside of their apartment. And they saw lots of other couples with strollers who also used this chilly but sunny Sunday morning for a walk with their babies.

″I have the feeling we need a dog,″ Jay somewhen stated out of the blue when the sixth or so couple in a row with a stroller and a dog passed them.

″Excuse me?″ Erin frowned, eyeing him suspiciously.

″Didn't you recognize how most of the couples with a stroller also have a dog?″

″I'm pretty sure they all had the dog before they had the baby,″ she answered all dry.

″Maybe. But we could do it vice versa,″ he grinned, giving her a little twinkle that left Erin certain that he was just joking.

″Yeah, sure, because having a newborn isn't challenging enough already?″ she laughed.

″Exactly,″ he chuckled. ″A baby and a puppy. They could grow up together.″

Erin stopped walking, furrowing a brow as she looked at him again. Until yet she's been sure he was joking but his latest statement came pretty serious and she sensed he wasn't joking at all.

″You really want a dog?″ she asked.

″I think it would be nice,″ he admitted. ″As a kid I loved having Carly around whenever I saw my grandfather and I think growing up with a pet is a good thing for a child.″

″I'm being honest with you, I never thought about having a dog,″ Erin said, taking a deep breath, not being able to believe herself what she was about to say. ″But,″ she grinned, ″I like this thought more than I want. And should. Just not now Jay, okay?″

″Hey, I never said let's go and pick up a puppy,″ he grinned. ″This lil' peanut is enough for now, then there's the wedding in July and maybe after that we can get into it again. Or we wait until we have a house with a garden,″ he winked.

″That sounds like a plan I'm okay with,″ Erin smirked, shaking her head by the thought how domesticated they've become within the last few months and how much she loved this domestic life and everything that came with it. A wedding, a baby, a house, a dog, when the hell did she become like this?

She gave Jay a short kiss, enjoyed how the stubble of his facial hair scratched on her lips. He hasn't shaved since two days before Emmy was born, just like during their babymoon in Wisconsin, and she still loved that look on him and somehow wanted him to keep it. Not a full beard of course but with these stubbles she didn't have a problem at all.

″What are you grinning about?″ Jay asked when their lips parted.

″Nothing,″ Erin smirked. ″Just like that sexy little beard of yours,″ she chuckled, raising her eyebrows playfully and slapped him across the backside before they continued their stroll back to the car.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The cemetary was almost empty when Erin and Jay walked towards Diane Halstead's tombstone, Jay carrying the car seat in one hand and having his other hand intertwined with Erin's. Usually it was Jay who gave her support with holding her hand tightly but today it was vice versa and Erin was the one who squeezed his hand when she recognized how he hesitated at the entrance of the cemetary.

The sunny weather with the blue sky did completely not match with the way Jay felt and the closer they came to his mother's grave, the heavier his heart got and the more the lightheartedness of the previous weeks and months faded. He hasn't been here in more than a year. The last time he had been here was the 6th anniversary of his mother's death in July 2015 when he'd spent this balmy summer night sitting in front of her tombstone, drinking one beer after another until the feeling of being drunk had overlaid the feeling of grief and pain and guilt. Until he had drowned all of his feelings in alcohol and only numbness had been left.

It had been the time when Erin had severed all ties with him, when he'd felt lost in more than just one way, not only grieving the loss of his mother because it was her death day but also grieving about the future he'd thought he and Erin had. Grieving because he'd thought he'd lost her, too. The only good thing in his life at this point. Because this was how fate had always played with him until then. He'd lost the good things in his life, the people he'd loved most. And at this point, Erin, the woman he had had deep feelings for, had only been a shadow of herself, spiraling downward unstoppably to a place of no-return.

″Jay are you okay?″ the soft voice of his fiancée interrupted his dark thoughts and brought him back to reality. He looked at her and had to smile faintly. The woman he'd thought he'd lost forever back then was now his fiancée, the mother of his daughter. The future he'd thought they would never have back then was now exactly the future they were living in. For the first time in his life, fate had played well with him by giving him Erin back, by having a baby with the woman who was the love of his life. Always has been.

″Yeah,″ he nodded. ″I'm just so glad to have you,″ he said and pressed a kiss on her temple. Erin didn't know what this was about but in this case she didn't have to. She was sure he had a reason why these words had come from his lips with an undertone of deep gratitude.

They walked through the rows of tombstones in silence until Jay stopped and placed Emilia's car seat down on the ground in front of his mother's grave and got down on his knees himself. Erin first handed him the flowers they'd bought so Jay could place them in front of the tombstone and then pulled three candles out of her bag, enlightened them and handed them to Jay as well so he could put them there, too. One candle for him, one for her, one for Emilia.

″Uhm, I think I'll go for a walk and you can...maybe talk with her,″ Erin said quietly, sensing he wanted to be alone for a moment, that it was maybe easier for him to talk with his mother when she wasn't around.

″Erin, stay. Please.″ His voice was cracked as he kept on staring at the flickering flames of the candles and at the letters and numbers that were engraved in the stone.

″Okay,″ she said and also got on her knees next to him, placed her hand atop of his.

″There's not much I wanna say anyway I guess,″ he shrugged and took a deep breath. Erin squeezed his hand gently to give him the comfort he needed.

″So uhm, mom, this beautiful woman next to me is Erin,″ he finally breathed out. ″I know I'm quite late with introducing her but she's the love of my life and we're going to marry this summer. By the end of July I will hopefully be able to call her my wife,″ he said and was even able to give Erin a little twinkle. ″And this other charming lady here, this little sleepy head, is your granddaughter. Yes, you heard right mom, you're a grandmother now and I'm a dad, it's unreal, isn't it? Her name's Emilia Camille but we mostly go by Emmy and she's five days old. So yes, she picked your birthday for her birthday. I think you'd like that, sharing your own special day with your first grandkid.″

He made another pause and Erin knew that only now he was about to say something that was extremely hard and painful for him. She tightened the grasp around his hand instantly. It was a simple gesture that meant so much more, a way of silent communication between them, showing him that she was there, that she _knew_.

″I wish you could meet them both, mom. Erin and Emilia. They are my life. I wish you could see how happy I am. Although I might not look that happy at the moment. I am. I truly am. And these two are the reason for it,″ he said, inhaling deeply once more. ″But I wish you were here. I wish you were allowed to be a grandmother because I know you would be the best. I wish Emmy could grow up with you being around. I wish you could teach her all the things you taught me. I wish you could give her all the love you gave me. I miss you mom. Especially when I look at our daughter I miss you and I hope that wherever you are, you somehow know that I'm alive and that I'm happy. I'm alive.″

The longer he'd talked the more his voice had turned into a whisper and he couldn't hold back some tears from falling. He wasn't always the one who supported others. He was often but not always. Sometimes he was the one who needed someone else's support. The one who was vulnerable. And broken. And Erin was one of the few people who knew this fragile side of him. But in this moment she couldn't do anything but crying with him. She couldn't handle seeing the man she loved, her rock, so broken. In addition her emotions were still a rollercoaster and she knew too well how he felt right now. Almost all of his words she could also use for Camille and Nadia, so no matter how hard she tried to be strong for him, it was impossible for her to not shed some tears. She wished for Jay to still have his mother around, she wished for him that she had at least died knowing that her son was fine and not dead. She wished for her daughter to have both of her loving grandmothers in her life, to grow up with the two best grandmothers this world has ever seen. She wished for Emmy to grow up with her crazy and loving aunt Nadia.

It was a true blessing, something she was beyond grateful for, that they had all the other people they called family in their life. These amazing people Emmy would grow up with and who loved her like their own. But it hurt beyond limits that three of the most important people in their lives had left the Earth way too early and could never come back to be with them.

″I'm sure she knows you are,″ Erin whispered after she'd managed to swallow the lump in her throat. ″She's sitting somewhere up there with Nadia and Camille and your grandfather and they're all smiling so bright because they're proud of us and happy for us. We don't see them but they are here,″ she said and lay her hand on his chest, right where his heart was. ″Because we carry them in our hearts. They are the people we call family no matter where they are.″

He gazed down to her hand on his chest and then turned his head to her, his tear-stained eyes sparkling in the lightest blue, tears still welling in his eyes.

″That's what I told you a couple of weeks ago,″ he said quietly and forced a small smile.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″I usually listen to the things you say,″ she smiled faintly.

″The corny stuff, too?″

″Everything Jay. I listen to all the things you say. You may not know it but you have a way with words and you always find the ones that I need to hear, that make me feel better. And this was something I needed to hear. Because it was true. We miss them so much but they're never completely gone because they have a special place in our hearts. And so they will forever be a part of us. They will forever have an influence on us and we will take care that Emmy learns about all these great people we miss dearly one day when the time is right and she's able to understand.″

Jay didn't answer immediately, thought about her words for a moment and swallowed the lump in his throat.

″You have a way with words, too, for sure,″ he said and a little, real smile returned to his face. ″Making quite a lot out of one sentence.″

″Yeah. Now you see what the things you say to me, do to me,″ she grinned. ″But seriously, this was simply something I thought a lot about and this is a conclusion I can live with.″

″Me too,″ he nodded. ″Thanks for being here with me Er. This really means a lot.″

″There's no other place I wanna be than by your side,″ she answered all serious and Jay's answer to this statement was crashing her lips with a thankful kiss. Simply because words failed him and this was the best way to express his current feelings for her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was around 1pm when Jay parked the car in front of Hank's house. Surprisingly he was still the one driving and until yet Erin hasn't even tried to steal him the keys and get back behind the wheel herself, so of course he kept his mouth shut and enjoyed being the one to drive his little family around, feeling like the head of the family for once.

″Are you excited to see grandpa again?″ Erin asked her sleeping daughter while she leaned over the car seat and unbuckled the seatbelt. ″I'm pretty sure he's super excited to see you Emmy,″ she smiled and lifted the car seat out of the car before they walked through the small path of the front yard and knocked on the big, wooden door.

Of course they expected Hank to open the door as he was the only person who lived here but the surprise was giant and their eyes widened to an unimaginable size when someone opened the door they hadn't expected to see at all.

″No way,″ Erin said perplexedly but at the same time the brightest of smiles appeared on her face when she saw Liv standing in the doorway, her smile being just as big as Erin's. ″What are you doing here?″

″I heard there's a new addition to the human race and I really wanted to meet her in person,″ Liv smiled. Erin was speechless for a minute and this really was a rare state as she was usually a person who had all the words. Liv had come all the way from New York just to meet their baby girl. Well, maybe there was a second reason as well, but still, Erin was so touched, she almost teared up again.

″But now come on in, I think it's a lot nicer to talk inside,″ Liv winked and closed the door from the inside after they both had walked past her. Erin placed the car seat with their sleeping baby down on the floor and kinda fell into Liv's embrace right from getting up. She was beyond happy and grateful to see her friend, her role-model, again in person, all healthy and happy and back to her full strength.

″Congratulations Erin,″ Liv said. ″I'm so happy for you.″

″Thank you. It's so nice to see you again,″ Erin smiled and ended their hug. Of course Jay was the next in line to get a hug from her.

″Congrats Jay, I guess being outnumbered feels great?″ she grinned.

″It's the best,″ he smirked.

″Eriiiiiiiiiin,″ Noah screamed and came running into the hall. She got down on her knees, picked him up and swirled him through the air which made him giggle joyfully.

″Hey champ,″ Erin smiled and kissed his cheek. ″How are you doing?″

″I miss you,″ he said and hid his head against her shoulder, became all calm for a moment. Thanks to her crazy postnatal hormones this statement and gesture was almost too much for her fragile emotional state again and she had some trouble to keep herself together. She wondered whether this would ever change again or whether becoming a mother has turned her emotions upside down forever.

″Aww Noah, I missed you, too,″ she whispered, tracing circles onto his back with the palm of her hand.

″You play with me?″ he asked and lifted his head, a glimmer of mischief and hope sparkling in his eyes.

″Of course I play with you,″ Erin laughed and tickled his belly while she carried him to the living room, Liv and Jay with Emilia following close behind.

″Nooooooo,″ Noah sqeaked. ″No tickling, pleeease.″

″Alright, I'll stop,″ Erin said, but couldn't hold back to tickle him once again nonetheless. ″Do you wanna see the baby?″

″Yes I want see baby,″ he said and Erin walked with him to the couch where Jay has placed the car seat and was occupied with taking her thick winter clothes off that she for sure wouldn't need inside of the house.

″She's so precious,″ Liv said, stroking Emilia's little hand and fingers and couldn't take her eyes away from her. ″Looks like an absolute angel.″

″Well, she is,″ Jay grinned all proud. ″I mean, she's quite easy-going, right?″ he said and turned his head to Erin.

″She's demanding...but most times she's not too complicated...yet,″ Erin smirked. ″So Noah, this is Emilia,″ she told the almost three-year-old and let him down to the floor. He got as close to the car seat as possible and looked at the baby in complete awe, his eyes big and his mouth slightly agape, the fascination on his face being visible for everyone in the room.

″Hello baby,″ he said and reached out to touch her face but Liv held him back instantly.

″Easy Noah, you have to be really careful because she's so small, okay? She's not like your friends. You can stroke her face but you need to be all gentle,″ Liv said and Noah nodded in response.

″Look mommy,″ he said, reached out again and touched Emilia's face in the softest way and then went on to stroke her tummy and her fingers.

″You're such a good boy,″ Liv, who was obviously emotionally affected by this super cute behavior of her son, whispered and pressed a kiss against the side of his head.

″Me like baby,″ Noah giggled and stroked her cheeks again. ″Me hold baby?″ he asked and looked from Liv to Erin and Jay.

″You wanna hold her?″ Erin asked back.

″Yes, please,″ he pleaded, nodding eagerly.

″Alright young man, you can hold her,″ Jay said, sat down on the couch and picked Noah up to settle him in his lap. Meanwhile Erin picked Emilia up, told Noah what he had to do with his hands and then placed Emilia in Noah's arms, Jay's arms and hands of course also holding and covering her.

″What do you think, how is it?″ Jay asked the little boy in his lap.

″Good,″ he beamed, the pride of a big borther reflecting from his face. "Look Emila gets a kissy," he said and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.

″You would make a great big brother buddy,″ Jay laughed and threw Olivia a little wink while Erin made some steps back to memorize this perfect moment with her phone. Seeing Jay, Noah and Emilia all together like this was almost too much for her heart to take and she wondered whether her heart could melt any more than it already has within the previous days. Jay was the most perfect dad for sure and seeing him, her unbelievably good looking fiancé with Emilia or now with both, Noah and Emilia, attracted her in whole new way. In addition she had the feeling that her ovaries were exploding by this sight but was this even possible five days after giving birth?

″Where is Hank though?″ she asked and interrupted her own thoughts, put her phone back into the pocket of her jeans.

″Kitchen,″ Liv answered. ″He didn't want any help.″

″Yeah, Hank and cooking is a very special relationship,″ Erin chuckled. ″I think I might check whether he's still alive,″ she added and left the four of them alone for a moment to finally say hi to her father-figure.

She opened the door of the kitchen and the smell of delicious, homemade food filled her senses instantly. It was a mixture of fried meat and roasted potatoes and onions and gravy.

″Hey kiddo,″ Hank smiled and hugged her shortly. ″How are you doing?″

″Tired...but happy,″ she grinned. ″Do you need a hand?″

″Naah, I'm almost done here and we should be able to eat in a couple of minutes. You better keep my granddaughter entertained. And Noah. He didn't stop asking for you yesterday,″ Hank smirked.

″Your granddaughter is sleeping and gets all the attention at the moment,″ Erin laughed. ″So, Liv and Noah have been here since yesterday?″ she asked and tried to make it sound as casual as possible. She still couldn't get over the fact that Olivia Benson had opened the door of Hank Voight's house and she had to admit, it was something she could get used to. Although if this would happen one day, it was as far in the future as possible. But there were so many, various questions whirring through her head right now and she needed answers urgently as she was way too curious for her own good.

″Yeah, Liv wanted to surprise you and I offered to help her, so they flew in yesterday morning, we spent the day at an indoor playground and made a sightseeing tour with one of these hop-on hop-off busses. She's been here so often but never saw the beauty of this city.″

Hank Voight at an indoor playground and on a sightseeing bus for tourists. Erin needed a moment to handle this information and had to supress a bright, way too obvious grin.

″The beauty of this city in winter is truly incredible,″ she laughed instead.

″I told her it's a lot more beautiful in summer and she'll come back then,″ he shrugged.

″Yeah, I guess she will,″ Erin mumbled, said it more to herself but of course Hank didn't miss it.

″She sleeps in the guest room,″ he noticed and Erin immediately felt his eyes burning on her skin.

″Uhm, I never implied anything else, did I?″ she asked him, raising her eyebrows a little.

″We're just friends.″

″I didn't say you're anything else. Hank, you don't have to justify yourself in front of me. I told you back in November what I think about it but you have to make this decision for yourself, a decision you feel comfortable with. The both of you.″

″We're friends,″ he repeated his words but Erin couldn't really believe him. There was something between him and Liv, something deeper than a friendship, a deeper connection, deeper feelings. But maybe they were both not ready to explore this yet. Maybe they needed a little more time to figure out what they wanted. To be brave enough to give it a try although the circumstances with living in New York respectively Chicago and with having a little kid weren't the best.

″Just let me say this one thing: sometimes, listening to your heart isn't the worst thing in the world but rather the best,″ she said and gave him a little smile which spoke volumes.

″Erin Lindsay giving an advice about love. Never thought that this day would come,″ Hank said and a raspy laughter escaped from his lips.

″Well, I had a good teacher I guess,″ she shrugged, giving him a meaningful glance. Of course they both knew what she referred to. The time back in May, when she had almost broken up with Jay because her feelings for him had overstrained her, and out of all people it had been Hank Voight who had given her a lecture about love and that truly and deeply loving a person sometimes was scary and overwhelming.

″Hmm,″ he only mumbled in response. ″Can you help me to set the table?″ he changed the topic and it was more than obvious that he didn't want to talk about his so called relationship with Liv any longer.

″Sure,″ Erin nodded. ″How about I set the table and you say hi to Emmy? Just this morning she told me how she misses you, so you shouldn't wait too long,″ she smirked.

″Well then I better don't let the princess wait,″ he laughed and walked with Erin, who was carrying the plates, into the living room.

Noah was back playing with his toys and now Liv was the one who was holding Emilia and rocking her gently, Emmy being fully awake now.

″Where's my little girl?″ Hank asked and sat down next to Liv.

″Grandpa is here, Emilia,″ Liv said and handed Hank the baby before she left to help Erin bringing all the dishes to the dining table.

″Hey beautiful lady,″ he whispered and pressed a kiss against Emilia's head. ″Are you a sleepy head today?″

″She kept us up all night, so of course she's tired now,″ Jay laughed.

″Is your dad complaining, Emmy?″ Hank grinned, being fully absorbed into the baby-bubble. ″Because for me it sounds like he is. But you're such an angel.″

″Only when she sleeps,″ Jay joked. ″When she's awake the devil in her comes through.″

″Your dad is the only devil in the room, Emmy,″ Hank joked back. It was such a light atmosphere between the two men now, it was incredible and for Jay still unbelieveable. ″You're my little angel and don't let him tell you different.″

When Erin and Liv had finished to set the table, they all sat down and enjoyed Hank's delicious meal, the best one Erin and Jay had within the last few days and especially Erin couldn't describe in words how grateful she was for this perfect moment with her family. This was exactly what she'd dreamed about since she was a child. To have this kind of family, these kind of Sundays, one day.

But Emilia seemed to love to interrupt their lunchs and dinners whenever she had the possibility to do so and so she did today, her loud, unpleased screaming suddenly shrilling in the room.

″Seriously, it's like she smells food and she goes like: alright, I want to eat now, too,″ Erin sighed and got up, leaving her half eaten steak behind unwillingly.

″Come here, Emmy,″ she said and picked her up from her car seat, patted her daughter's butt to calm her a little. ″Are the heaters in Daniel's room on?″ she asked and grabbed the blanket and the diaper bag.

″Yeah, sure,″ Hank nodded.

″Okay, see you in thirty minutes or so I guess,″ Erin said. ″And don't you dare to eat or even touch my steak, Jay,″ she laughed, gave her fiancé a little wink and walked up the stairs.

Up in Daniel's room, she sat down in the comfy armchair, threw the towel over her shoulder, wrapped the blanket around Emilia's backside a little, lifted her shirt and opened her nursing bra and settled her hungry daughter against her breast.

″Easy baby girl, we have all the time in the world,″ she soothed when Emmy started nursing instantly, maybe a little too fast for Erin's liking.

″This is better,″ she said and stroked over her head with the fuzzy brown hair. She looked down into her daughter's satisfied face and she shook her head and also smiled a little when she remembered how she'd feared all of this throughout her pregnancy. How she had feared to be a mother, how she had feared a life with a baby, how she had been feared of all the struggles that could might come up. And now here she sat, breatfeeding her baby without any problems and it had come so natural, had only been strange in the very beginning. But it was not just breastfeeding that was so normal now, also changing diapers, dressing her, picking her up, holding her, it was like she's never done anything else. And Jay also handled it all like he's been a father forever. Of course there was still enough time to mess this whole parenting thing up but for now she found that they were playing the parents-game pretty good and did a solid job as mommy and daddy...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) The next chapters are almost done, so it shouldn't take 3 weeks again until I update. I'm still open for any ideas/wishes you have, so just tell me if you want to read about something specific (or maybe I already have the same idea :D).**


	43. A Glance Is Worth A Thousand Words

**Thank you all for your feedback on my last chapter and Happy CPD Day! :)**

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 **43\. A Glance Is Worth A Thousand Words**

Later in the afternoon of this chilly Sunday, after eating apple pie with vanilla ice cream, Noah begged Jay to go to the playground with him and of course Jay couldn't say no to this request. Hank suggested to come with them with the condition that he was allowed to take Emilia with him so he could be the proud grandfather who pushed his granddaughter's stroller through the neighborhood and without thinking too much about it, Erin of course agreed to it. Having time to chitchat with just Liv was quite nice and Hank's and Jay's relationship was as good that she didn't have to worry that they would kill each other and only one of the two men would make it back.

″Two men, a toddler and a baby. I'm not sure whether this is a good idea,″ Liv laughed after they'd left and the two women have sat down on the couch with two mugs of tea.

″Yeah, when they're not back in two hours we should maybe go and look for them,″ Erin chuckled.

″Give them three. They will forget time anyway,″ Liv winked.

″Oh no, they won't. Emmy will make sure of that, no worries. In no more than two hours they will walk in here with a crying, hungry baby.″

″Guess this is not such a wrong assumption.″

″Uh-huh,″ Erin grinned before she became pensive. ″This is the first time that we're seperated for more than twenty minutes, that she's not close to me but some place else. It feels strange not having her here and knowing that she's not in the room next door either.″

″Shall we call them to come back?″ Liv asked.

″No, I think it'll be nice to have a baby-free hour. I just need to get used to it I guess,″ Erin answered. ″Plus, we can talk undisturbed without any baby cries or Noah goofing around here, so that's nice too.″

″Yeah, really nice,″ Liv smiled.

″I still can't believe you're here,″ Erin grinned and slightly shook her head.

″And I still can't believe you didn't recognize I was at Hank's place when we skyped yesterday in the late afternoon,″ Liv laughed.

″Uhm...well...I'm a sleep-deprived young mother, I didn't pay attention on any background details,″ she chuckled. ″Despite, weren't you and Noah simply sitting in front of a yellow wall? This could've been everywhere.″

″You could be right about that,″ Liv winked. ″But now let's talk about the important stuff: how is it? Being a mother.″

″It's...great. It fullfills myself in a way I didn't think it would,″ Erin admitted smilingly and bit her lower lip, for a moment thinking about whether she should tell Liv more than just that she really enjoyed motherhood.

″You know, I was a fucked up person, always good at destroying my own life. Or the lives of others. And my whole life I cleaned up behind the mess I'd left myself and put the pieces of my life back together...to somehow make it work again,″ Erin said all pensive. ″But since Emilia was born, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something right from the very beginning,″ she added and made a short pause. She hadn't spoken these thoughts out loud before.

″I mean, it's only been five days and I still have at least eighteen years to screw this up but right now I just feel so at peace with myself like never before. I have the feeling because of all the shit I had to go through in the past, because of all the people who had a bad influence on me and of course because of the amazing people who made me the person I am today, I know exactly how I want to do this, you know?″

″Yeah,″ Live confirmed. ″The things we had to go through in the past made and make us the persons we are today, influence our decisions, our behavior, everything. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of shit until we find the sun. But eventually it all turns out just fine. And there's nothing that teaches you better what really matters in life than having a child.″

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded thoughtful. ″I found the sun when I met Jay. He's lightened my life up in so many ways and now Emmy is our little sun and she brings us so much joy. And you're right, having a baby helps to bring things into perspective somehow. Every time when I look at Emilia I feel a flutter in my stomach because I can't believe she's mine. Ours. She's a little miracle and it's so unreal that we did this. She's the best thing that has ever happened to us, she completes us and she's our priority now and at the moment there's nothing I would rather want to be than being her mom,″ she smiled.

″I'm so glad you're happy Erin, you deserve all the happiness and I tell you something: I know you won't screw anything up,″ Liv smiled back.

″I will work hard not to.″

″You won't, believe me,″ Liv assured her and a grin formed on her lips by the next topic she wanted to adress and was super curious about.

″Now that we talked about how it is to be a mother, how about you tell me about this beautiful ring on your finger,″ she said and pointed to the sparkling diamond ring. Erin's smile grew big when she glanced down to it, too, remembering every word of the night where Jay had asked her to become his wife.

″Well...″ she smirked, ″he asked me on New Year's Eve in Wisconsin and it was the most beautiful and most perfect proposal you can imagine. And I said yes.″

″What happened to: I don't need a white dress and a ring to prove that I love him?″ Liv mimicked her words from November and raised her eyebrows.

″I still don't need it. But I want it. I want to tell the world that he's my husband and I want us to be something real. A real family. Like the ones I used to dream about when I was a kid. Like the ones I never had,″ Erin admitted. ″I thought a lot about marriage after you asked me about it in November, whether this is something I want. And I needed some time to admit it to myself because it scared me, but it is. So I didn't even have to think about my answer when he popped the question because there was only this one word in my head,″ she smiled.

″I knew this would happen,″ Liv smirked. ″You maybe didn't think much about marriage before we talked about it but somehow I was so sure Jay had. The way this guy's always been looking at you I knew it was around the corner. Sometimes a glance is worth a thousand words, you know?″ she winked.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin grinned.

″When's the big day?″

″Either the weekend of the 22nd of July or the weekend of the 29th of July. Depends on how booked out the locations already are. We really have to get into this now but at the moment we're busy with handling our new life and the thought of organizing a wedding now kinda freaks me out,″ she sighed.

″Hey, things will get easier and then you'll find the time to think about the wedding, I'm sure,″ Liv said and gave the younger woman an encouraging smile.

″It's not that it's particularly complicated. It just hard because we're exhausted all the time, so at the moment we sleep when Emilia's sleeping,″ Erin said and decided to tell Liv a little more about their new life. ″The second night at home with her was really bad. She was so unsettled and wouldn't stop crying, so we walked through the apartment for hours, rocked her, talked with her but nothing helped and we felt quite helpless. We figured out she might has a colic, so we rubbed and massaged her belly and finally the crying stopped somewhen between three and four in the morning and she fell asleep on my chest after I had laid down on the couch out of pure exhaustion and I fell asleep with her. We then put her in her bassinet and went to bed as well and half an hour later it all started again. Was a rough night,″ she sighed, hoping that they wouldn't experience this in such an extremity so soon again but at the same time knowing that they most probably would.

″When does Jay have to go back to work? Tomorrow?″

″Thank God not,″ she answered and shook her head. ″He'll stay another week at home and at the moment I can't imagine doing it all without him. Spending my days without him, maybe even the nights when he has to work the all-nighters. And I don't want him to go to work all tired in the morning because he needs to be concentrated but he won't get that much sleep for the next couple of weeks, maybe months, so we'll see how this works.″

″It gets easier Erin. Especially the nights. She'll sleep more and be awake less, I promise,″ Liv winked.

″Yeah, I know. She's only five days old and we still have to get used to all of it,″ she said and a smile spread across her face by these words.

″What' up?″ Liv asked.

″I just had to grin because I said she's only five days old when my head always freaks out and tells me she's already five days old. It's fascinating to think about that one week ago she was still inside of me and we waited for her to finally come,″ Erin said and looked down to her still slightly swollen stomach. ″I miss feeling her kicks and the other day I caught myself how I had my hand on my stomach and I had to remember myself: hey, you're not pregnant anymore, there's no reason for you to place your hand there,″ she laughed.

″This was your way of communcating with each other and you did that for the last couple of months, so I think it's normal that you miss it.″

″Uh-huh,″ Erin grinned. ″But I didn't remember how great it is to sleep like a normal human being, without having any feet in my ribs or my organs getting punched all the time. It's seriously incredible. Although I don't get much sleep at the moment, it's the best feeling to finally be able to sleep again how I wanna sleep. And just this morning I had my first small cup of coffee in ages. Well, it was more milk than coffee I think, but damn, this taste made me so happy.″

″I can imagine that,″ Liv laughed.

″But you know, the moment the midwife placed her on my chest seconds after her birth I forgot about all the things I sacrificed during the last nine months. Pregnancy isn't just sunshine and roses. It's a tough job to grow a baby and you have to deal with a lot of stuff during your pregnancy and even after it, because the after pains I had the first two days after her birth also really sucked and were almost as painful as real labor. But it was all so, so, so worth it,″ Erin smiled overjoyed.

″As a woman you for sure have to do a hell of a job before your baby is finally here and you still have to when your baby is finally earthside,″ Liv agreed. ″Since I never gave birth myself and will never do, I have to admit, I'm a little curious about her birth...but I can of course totally understand when you don't want to talk about it,″ she added and her cheeks blushed a little.

″Liv, you're one of my closest friends what makes you one of the few people I can tell about it,″ Erin said and smiled faintly. She wasn't eager to share her birth experience with too many people as it was quite an intimate thing, but she had absolutely no problem with telling Liv about these fifteen intense hours. She was also sure she had to tell Kim about it as soon as they had time for another girl's evening again and of course she would also tell her. But that was it.

″Wow...uhm, now I feel honored,″ Liv smiled.

″Do you?″ Erin asked rhetorically in response and a raspy laughter escaped from her lips. ″So, where to start?″

″The beginning? How was it?″

″Overwhelming,″ Erin sighed, but that special smile still surrounded her lips.

″Positive or negative?″ Liv asked.

″Both,″ she answered promptly. ″It was without a doubt the hardest thing I ever did in my life, the most intense fifteen hours. But when you see your baby, touch your baby, hold your baby for the first time, you forget about it instantly,″ she smiled.

″Was Jay with you?″

″Every single second. Well, almost, because he was at work when I had the first contractions and then rushed home to be with me. But I couldn't have done that without him. I'm sure he'll get arthrosis in his fingers one day because he massaged my back for more or less twelve hours in a row,″ she chuckled.

"Poor guy," Liv laughed.

"Yeah totally," Erin also laughed. "And then I almost broke his already damaged hand with my grasp and he had to listen to me complaining all the time. I don't know how many times I said 'I can't do this anymore' and how many many more times I thought it but didn't speak it out loud. But in the end I did it. When you give birth you develop a strength you never, never thought is possible...," she said and continued to tell Liv about the day and the night which changed her life, the night that was the hardest and most painful but at the same time the most beautiful and impressive night of her life and remembering and talking about the moment when Katy had placed a squishy Emilia on her chest and all the pain was gone and forgotten in a heartbeat still sent chills down her spine. She showed Liv all of the photos Jay had taken directly after the birth and during the first hours in the hospital and also showed her the professional ones the the hospital photographer had taken before they'd left Med.

When she was finished with telling Liv Emilia's birth story and Hank and Jay were still not back from the playground she decided to ask Liv about her version of her current relationship status with Hank, trying to figure out whether it was only Hank who was still hesitating or whether Liv felt the same about whatever it was they had.

″Can I ask you something now?″ Erin asked and bit her lip. Usually she wasn't someone who cared about other people's private lives. But she cared about Hank and she cared about Liv and so she cared about their personal lives.

″Sure,″ Liv nodded, already sensing what this was about.

″You and Hank...what's going on there?″ The question came a little shy and Erin's cheeks blushed in the slightest way.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged in response. ″I think I can't deny that there is something between us. But at the moment we're just friends and we will take one step after another and see where it goes. Taking it easy, giving us time, trying out where it could go, whether it could work. It's not easy but I like spending time with him and I think the same applies for him. Noah likes him. Not as much as he likes you and Jay, because seriously, he adores you guys, but they're getting along well,″ she smirked.

″I honestly wish you and Noah would live around here. I'd love to spend more time with this little munchkin and I'd love to spend more time with you, like I could just come over in the evening for a glass of wine. I have the feeling I can talk about everything with you and usually I'm not an open person...except for Jay. But he's my special person in so many ways, so he's an exception anyway,″ she smirked.

″I wish you and Jay and Emmy would live in New York. We could take turns with babysitting and Noah would be something like a big brother,″ Liv said and her voice came thoughtful. ″But seeing us every few weeks or months makes it even more special and the time we spend together more precious,″ she smiled.

″That's true,″ Erin also smiled and in this moment they heard how someone locked up the front door and a couple of seconds later the silence was over when they heard Noah's excited voice babbling in the hall and Emilia's well-known screams resounding from there as well.

″Told you so,″ Erin laughed to Liv and got up from the couch to check on her two main men, her favorite little boy and her baby girl.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey,″ Jay grinned when he joined Erin in Daniel's room where she was nursing Emilia again.

″Hey,″ she smiled back, looking up from her baby girl to him. He crossed the room and sat down on the armrest of the armchair she was sitting in.

″Is she hungry?″

″Oh yeah,″ Erin sighed. ″Told you she has that Halstead-gene when it comes to eating.″

″Ey, a girl gotta eat,″ he winked. Teasing her with phrases she'd once used against him was one of his favorite things to do.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin grinned by this statement of her adorable dork. Though, it always made her feel special when he did this because it showed her how important she always had been for him even when they'd just been partners, remembering mostly every random conversation they ever had. ″How was it at the playground?″

″Great! Was a lot of fun.″

″Who had more fun, you or Noah?″ she laughed.

″Uhm, no comment,″ he smirked. ″But I had to behave and couldn't climb on the monkey bars this time because I wasn't sure what my boss or father-in-law would think about it. So we just seesawed together and I helped Noah to climb up wherever he wanted to climb up.″

″Bet he was happy about that and had a blast,″ she chuckled.

″He had,″ Jay confirmed. ″He was giggling and laughing and babbling all the time. He's different than in November. He talks more and is not as shy anymore.″

″Well, he's almost three. Not to forget that he lived with us for more than two weeks, so he knows us pretty well. And the time in November was an exceptional situation for him in general,″ she said pensively. Thinking back to this kinda frightening time in November when they were so close to another catastrophe with Liv's life being in jeopardy and with herself almost having preterm labor and therefore a preterm baby still let her shiver and she was beyond grateful that everything had turned out the way it has.

″That's true,″ he nodded and stroked her thigh supportingly. ″You know, actually I wanted to ask you something but somehow I forget what it was.″

She looked up to him, raised her eyebrows but couldn't hide a cheeky smirk. ″You're getting old, huh?″ she grinned.

″Please, I'm just sleep-deprived not old, okay?″ he asked and grimaced by the word old. This was for sure something he didn't want to hear although he knew Erin was just teasing him.

″Just for once,″ she twinkled. ″Was it something important?″

″I think so,″ he said and gazed around in the room, hoping that his eyes would find anything that would help him to remember. When his eyes fell on a poster of the Chicago Bears on the wall across from the crib, he knew why he'd joined her in first place.

″Ha, that's it,″ he laughed, earning a skeptical glance from Erin in response. He knew she was curious now so he didn't keep her on the tenterhooks any longer. ″Will and Mouse asked whether they can check by this evening so we can watch the Superbowl together.″

″Is it already that day of the year again?″ she yawned. Of course she'd watched lots of this season's games with Jay but in the last few weeks she's had other things to do than thinking about the Superbowl.

″Yep,″ Jay grinned. ″So what do you think? Can I tell them they can come?″

″I don't know Jay,″ she sighed and her face also told him that she was anything but excited about it. ″Our apartment is a complete mess, we are super tired and I can't wait for our couch and my yoga pants and today was enough hustle and bustle already, don't you think?″

″They don't care about a messy kitchen or you wearing yoga pants and a hoodie. They just want to watch the game, eat nachos and drink some beers,″ he said.

″Why don't you just simply go to Will's place to watch it?″ Erin suggested.

″I told them I will not leave you alone for half of the night, so I said I will ask you whether you're down with them coming to our place or not. But it's okay, if you don't want it I'll tell them to watch it some place else,″ he said and gave her a little smile, trying to show her that he was absolutely not mad at her but could rather understand her.

″Just Will and Mouse, right? Not all of the dorks?″ she asked. She loved all of her colleagues, but having their apartment full with all of their friends was simply something she didn't want at the moment because she didn't want all the hustle and bustle. And for Emmy she wanted it to be as quiet as possible in the apartment during the evening and night so that she would maybe learn that this was the time where she was supposed to sleep. Just like she'd read in a baby book. Because she'd read them, too. Not only Jay.

″Just the four of us plus Emmy,″ he winked.

″Well, it's the Superbowl. It's only once a year...and maybe they can prove whether they're good babysitters,″ she agreed and chuckled slightly.

″That was a fast change of mind,″ he laughed.

″I just thought...without Emmy we would do it. It wouldn't even be a question for us. Of course we have to consider her now with every decision we make...but I don't want to give our old life up completely. So let's try it and see how it works,″ she smiled.

″Alright,″ he answered, placed a kiss on the top of her head and pulled his phone out of his pocket to text his brother and his best friend that they could plan to spend the evening with him, Erin and Emilia.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The rest of the afternoon went by fast and after Erin had played with Noah for a little while, building towers and houses once again while Liv kept Emmy entertained, it was time to say goodbye as they needed to go home and Liv and Noah needed to catch their flight back to New York. Needless to say that saying goodbye was quite hard for all of them. Erin considered Noah and Liv her family and so did Jay, so of course the farewell didn't come easy as they all didn't know when they would see each other again and would have the chance to spend this kind of quality time with each other again. They shortly talked about that it would maybe be the wedding in July but Jay also said that they would maybe try to come to New York in spring since they wanted to visit his aunt and uncle anyway, depending on how eager they were to take a flight with a three to four months old baby.

Back home at their apartment, Jay took care of Emilia and made her ready for the night and when he walked into the bedroom to lie her in her bassinet he had to give his best to suppress a laughter. Erin was lying flat on the bed and seemed to be in a deep sleep while the light was still on. Changing into yoga pants, a hoodie and cozy socks has obviously turned in her hitting the cushions in pure exhaustion and literally falling over onto the bed. He tried to be as quiet as possible with putting Emilia to bed and then also placed a cozy blanket over Erin's body lovingly. He turned the light off, went to the kitchen to put the dirty plates and other stuff from breakfast into the dishwasher and prepared some little bowls with different kinds of snacks. After finishing these preparations, he went to the bathroom to start with laundring their dirty clothes and when the first load of laundry was in the washing machine he used the time he still had until Will and Mouse would show up to take a quick shower.

Even before he walked into the bedroom to slip into some fresh clothes afterwards he heard Emmy's unpleased mewling so there was no doubt that Erin's little nap had been short-lived.

″Little monster woke you up, huh?″ he grinned when he crossed the room towards the dresser.

″Yeah, she's somewhat grumpy at the moment,″ she answered, rocking Emmy gently in her arms as an attempt to soothe her.

″Hungry, diaper?″ he asked, unwrapped his towel and slipped into his boxers.

″No, I tried to nurse her but she wouldn't want and I already changed her diaper. I guess it's attention or general dissatisfaction. I told you she's too spoiled,″ Erin grinned.

″You can't spoil a baby too much,″ Jay chuckled, put his sweatpants and a black v-neck on and sat down on the edge of the bed next to Erin.

″Come to daddy baby girl,″ he soothed and reached out to take her from Erin. He pressed her tiny body against his chest, covered her head with his hand and stroked over her fuzzy hair with his thumb.

″Is this better Emmy?″ he whispered and placed a kiss on the top of her head. It didn't even take a minute and the mewling stopped and she became all calm, even her facial expression looked completely satisfied now.

″Seriously Emmy?″ Erin chuckled and slightly shook her head. ″So I guess this kind of noise is her way of showing that she needs her daddy to comfort her, huh?″

″Looks like,″ Jay grinned.

″I slowly but steady have the suspicion that she's daddy's girl,″ she noticed.

″Of course she is,″ he winked.

″I can't complain because you two together is the cutest thing,″ she smiled, looking at him with heart-eyes. Her whole world sat right in front of her and being blessed was an understatement when she searched for words to describe how she felt.

″You and Emmy together are not bad either,″ he murmured and leaned down to press his lips against hers. In the same moment there was a knock on the door, the sign the calm part of the evening was over.

″Oh dang, they're here already and we have nothing prepared,″ Erin sighed, ″we're for sure the worst Superbowl-hosts around the globe this evening.″

″We're not,″ Jay smirked. ″I prepared some snacks, the kitchen is clean and I started doing the laundry. There's nothing that indicates that we're living in a chaos at the moment.″

″When did you do all that?″ she frowned and there was this really stunned undertone in her voice.

″While you took your little nap,″ he winked and got up to open the door and not let Mouse and Will wait outside for too long.

″Wow...uhm...you work fast,″ she laughed. ″House husband, huh?″

″Soon,″ he smirked and left her alone. Erin watched him disappear in the living room and before the voices of Mouse and Will broke the silence in the apartment she once again felt how her heart got warm and started fluttering by the thought how blessed she was to have Jay in her life, to call him her partner for life, father of her daughter, soon-to-be husband. He was everything she never thought a man could be. Caring, loving, protective, gentle, attentive, always listening, always giving his best to make her happy, to make her smile, to make her feel like she was the only diamond in the world. And he had the unique gift to use and show all these attitudes at the same time. 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. Jay Halstead would rob the stars from the sky for her for sure. In fact this was what he was doing on a daily basis.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Do you have it?″ Mouse whispered to Will who was sitting in the armchair across him.

″I have it in black and white,″ Will chuckled quietly and leaned forward to show him the picture he'd taken with his phone.

″I can't believe they both fell asleep before the last quarter,″ Mouse grinned and looked to the couple that dozed on the couch. Or more accurate: was dead asleep.

″My brother fell asleep during the Superbowl. I'm going to tell this story for the rest of my life and I will rag him with this forever,″ Will said and suppressed a loud laughter. ″Whenever something comes up where I need to tease him I will go like: You remember the Superbowl 2017...oh wait you can't.″

″Yep, I think I will use this against him at some point, too,″ Mouse smirked. ″Although it's mean because they have the baby and they're clearly super exhausted.″

″But falling asleep during the Superbowl, Mouse. The Superbowl. That's a crime, seriously,″ Will chuckled.

″It is,″ Mouse agreed. ″But somehow it looks cute how they half sit, half lie there, completely out, don't you think?″

″I wouldn't say my brother looks cute,″ Will joked. ″But yeah, the both of them together look kinda cute right now.″

″Only right now?″ Mouse asked. ″Man, have you earlier seen how they look at each other? Talk about heart-eyes right there. It's like they're each other's whole world.″

″They are,″ Will nodded and this time his voice came all serious. ″I hope that one day Nat-...a woman looks at me the way Erin looks at Jay. And I hope that I can give that woman the same look back that Jay gives Erin.″

″Me too,″ Mouse said pensively.

″They don't need to tell the world that they're in love,″ Will said and looked to his brother and his sister-in-law again, maybe a little jealousy for what they had reflecting from his eyes. ″Everyone can see the deep connection they have because sometimes glances are worth a thousand words...″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and tell me your thoughts :) From now on there will be some smaller time jumps and the next chapter is called "Dance With Me Tonight".**


	44. Dance With Me Tonight

**Okay, so I kept my mouth shut about anything regarding CPD for some months because I wanted to see what S4 is like first and the start was promising. But now I feel like it's time for another rant...because it's been a while and we're halfway through the season...and because this story was created out of my frustration about the cancelled road trip and started with a rant as well. So if you don't want to know my opinion about the things that lately happened on the show, just skip this little intro and jump right to the new chapter (also if you haven't caught up to S4 yet).**

 **One of the things I always loved most about CPD was the relationship between Erin and Hank because they celebrated that family isn't bound by blood. So Hank out of a sudden being her real dad...nope. Just nope. This would ruin their whole relationship and storyline for me. He's her father already and they don't need to share a DNA for that. Leave him being the man who saved her life and was the father she never had, the father she deserved, the man who raised her and made her the person she is today. Let him stay the person who took her in because he saw something in her that nobody did before, not the guy who knew there was a possibility that he was her father and saved her because he felt guilty. I don't even want to think about the possibility of Hank being her real father because it makes me cringe and I don't know how I would go on from there. And neither do want to imagine what it would do to Erin when the only good part of her growing up turns out to be a lie. Talk about her world breaking into pieces once more...**

 **Now on to Linstead: yes, let them fight, yes let them have some bumps, no relationship is perfect and couples need to have fights to grow and I like some angst if they still end up staying together. But what I'm disappointed about is that we were promised so many things for S4, like that Erin leans on Jay more and lets him in. So yes, the DNA test wasn't the smartest move but it wasn't like that he did it behind her back. He was just looking out for her and wanted to make sure she doesn't live in that happy bubble for too long and falls even harder when it bursts. Because that's who Jay is, always trying to protect her. And yet, Erin keeps running away like she usually does, almost like she blames him for the result, and pours her feelings down with alcohol because hey, this worked so well for her in the past, right? Talk about great character development (though I guess character development is a foreign word in the CPD writer's room, smh). This was such a perfect opportunity to finally give us a scene where Erin relies on Jay after a tough day but instead they waste it for a scene with a 'friend' who wasn't in the picture since late S1 - kudos.  
At this point all I want is a scene of them at home, where Jay's just holding her and is there for her and Erin actually _lets him being there for her_. Is this too much to ask for? I don't even want Skinstead anytime soon, I just want to see them growing in their relationship because how will they ever build a future when they still can't hit solid grounds? **

**We were also promised to see how it is for two very independent people to live together - well, was there even _one_ domestic Linstead scene so far?! I want to see them cuddling in bed (because thanks to a _deleted_ scene we know Erin loves it), I want them to argue about who took the last milk from the fridge or who has to do the laundry. I want to see them outside of the Bullpen or Molly's, just like I imagined after what the producers teased during the summer - but here we go again, imagination and hard reality what they actually give us...must be nice to get the viewer's attention with false promises that make them all excited...**

 **Another thing: Linstead was supposed to be the sun between the clouds in S4 and thanks to Derek's Q &A's I don't think there'll be sun anytime soon. So while I keep on waiting for them to be the sun I prepare myself that they'll be the clouds before the season ends. Am I surprised by this? Nope. Not at all. CPD is a show of inconsistency so why not breaking them up for a second time (not sure whether they really go down that path again because actually they can't right? Right?!) and bring them back together for a third, regardless that it makes a relationship look ridiculous and implausible. Linstead have been through so much and we all know they're endgame because they're THE couple of the show (for me even THE couple of the whole franchise) but instead of giving them happiness for a minute they continue to throw drama at them because apparently there are no other characters on the show they can create drama with. **

**Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of it.**

 **Rant over.**

 **Sorry if anyone feels 'attacked' (because they feel different about it) but this is my opinion and I needed to get it off my chest. I've never been as invested in a TV show and their main couple before, so that's my sheer disappointment talking here.**

* * *

 **44\. Dance With Me Tonight**

″Hey,″ Jay called after unlocking the door of their apartment and stepping into the hall. The first thing he heard was Emmy's mewling from the bedroom and he had to grin by this familar sound as he'd quite missed it throughout the day. Today had been his first day back in the bullpen, the first time that he had to leave Erin and Emilia alone for more than an hour. It'd been strange to leave them alone in the morning and not having his two favorite girls around. He had traded texts with Erin throughout the whole day though, she had sent him photos and luckily Hank was still very clement with him and he didn't have to go with them on late-night busts for another week and was instead allowed to leave the bullpen at 6pm to enjoy some quality time with Erin and Emilia.

The previous week had gone smooth, at least as smooth as possible. They had spent their days with taking strolls, going grocery shopping, visiting the pediatrician to check whether Emilia was developing and gaining weight in the way she should but just like every newborn she'd lost a little bit of weight during the first week although she was such a good eater. And of course they had visited their colleagues in the bullpen, had spent some time with them there while the others had literally fought who was allowed to hold Emmy first. Their nights were still as sleepless but since Erin has started to express milk three days ago Jay could at least also feed Emilia during the night, so they took turns with giving her the bottle or in Erin's case, nursing her.

″Look who's back home,″ Erin said to her daughter when she walked into the living room.

″Hey beautiful,″ Jay grinned and walked to Erin, pressing a kiss on her lips instantly.

″And hello my favorite little girl,″ he soothed and took the mewling baby from Erin's arms. ″Why are you crying? Are you a little unhappy today?″ he asked and kissed her head before he sat down on the couch with her. He extended his arm to show Erin that she should join him and of course she snuggled into his side immediately.

″How was your day?″ he asked, stroking up and down her arm with his hand.

″Not too bad,″ Erin answered. ″We were outside for an hour in the morning and in the afternoon and went to the farmer's market and then we cooked dinner and did all this other housewifely stuff, like doing the laundry, folding clothes and putting them back in the dressers and closets, vaccuming the rooms. And we also tried to sleep, but that was kind of a mission impossible today because she was so unsettled all day long and only slept for an hour before she would cry again,″ she sighed.

″That's because she missed me,″ Jay smirked.

″I really think she did,″ she confirmed. ″She wasn't that calm and angelic all day,″ she added, looking at Emmy who was dozing off on Jay's chest. ″But she's not the only one who missed you.″

″I missed you two, too, believe me,″ he murmured and buried his face in her hair. ″I guess we all have to get used to this new situation first.″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded in response. ″How was your day?″

″Normal day in the bullpen. Following leads with our current case, that's it. Best part of the day was when you texted me these super cute photos of this little angel though,″ he smirked.

″Yep, I really tried to make the best out of the rare times she looked peaceful,″ she chuckled.

″Keep them coming, the guys liked them, too.″

″Will try my best,″ she yawned.

″Hey, how about you take a shower and try to catch some sleep and I take care of her for the next three or so hours?″

″Sounds too good to be true,″ she smiled faintly and got up from the couch. ″There's dinner in the pot on the stove, you just need to heat it up again.″

″I'll wait for you,″ he winked.

″Alright, I try to make it quick,″ she said and shuffled into the direction of the bathroom.

″Hey babe,″ he called and she turned around to him again. ″Tomorrow evening we have a date,″ he grinned from ear to ear and although she wasn't standing really close to him, she could see the tiniest bit of excitement sparkling in his eyes.

″Who?″ she frowned.

″You and me. Date night. Tomorrow.″

″Uhm...you maybe forgot something important when you made your plan, huh?″ she answered and her eyes fell on the sleeping baby.

″No worries, I have it all organized. Because you know, I have a babysitter guy,″ he chuckled.

″Do you?″ she asked back and raised her eyebrows but a smile spread across her face, too. Of course her couch guy had a babysitter guy and of course they both thought about the same situation right now. A babysitter guy who'd take care of their baby that was conceived on the one couch she'd needed a couch guy for.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded. ″Very reliable. And it wasn't a big deal to convince him, so we can go on a date tomorrow and for one evening pretend we don't have parental duties.″

″Can I think about this?″ she joked.

″Nope,″ Jay grinned. ″You don't have a chance here, sorry.″

″Too bad,″ she laughed, turned around and disappeared in the bathroom.

Jay was sure Erin had completely forgotten what day tomorrow was. He couldn't blame her for it, she had much more important things to do at the moment and usually they wouldn't make a big deal out of that day. Valentine's Day. They didn't need a day to celebrate their love. He didn't need a day to show her how much he loved her as it was his goal to show her this every single day. But Valentine's Day was the perfect excuse to tell her and show her once again how much he loved her and he wanted to spend some time just with her, wanted to take her out, wanted to show her that not all of their old life was lost. He knew this was important for her and it also was for him. He wanted her to get out of their apartment for other things than running for errands or walking around with the stroller. He completely cherished and loved the new life they had but it was still very important that they had time as a couple, as just the two of them and Valentine's Day seemed to be the perfect occasion for their first date night since Emilia was born. And of course this wasn't a sudden idea out of the blue but he had instead planned this special day a couple of weeks ago already.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Emilia, your daddy is a kidder,″ Erin sighed and closed the door of her closet after she'd been standing in front of it for good ten minutes. She turned around and looked to her daughter who was lying on their bed, kicking with her tiny legs and arms occasionally, stretching her tiny fingers and scanning her surroundings, or in this case, her mother, with awake eyes.

″He wants me to wear a dress. A dress,″ she said and leaned over her daughter, her ellbows left and right from Emilia's body so she could rest her head in her palms and look directly into her baby's perfect and cute little face and her deep blue eyes. ″I mean, did he forget that I gave birth to you only two weeks ago and that all the dresses I wore before you inhabited my stomach don't fit again already?″ she asked.

Although the swelling of her stomach was almost completely gone she was still far from having the body she's had before her pregnancy. She's indeed already lost a couple of pounds thanks to breastfeeding but there were of course no more abs, no more flat stomach and a little too much of baby fat on her thighs, hips and waist for her liking. But for now she wanted to give her body a little more time to recover from the pregnancy, maybe two to four more weeks, before she would start to do workouts again and bring her body back into shape. She had to buy a wedding dress within the next couple of months after all.

″Huh, do you have an opinion about this little lady?″ she asked and leaned down to kiss her cheeks and then her belly. ″Maybe I should suggest him to wear leggins and a hoodie but as he wants me to wear a friggin' dress I doubt that this would be appropriate,″ she chuckled.

″He knows that I don't like wearing dresses so I bet this must be a super fancy place where we go, don't you think?″ she sighed, giving Emilia her smallest finger so she could wrap her hand around it. ″It's a pitty that you're not able to talk yet because I bet he told you about his plan, am I right?″ she grinned and placed another kiss on Emilia's forehead.

″Guess I have to tell him that I unfortunately don't have a dress for whatever he's planned for tonight.″

She turned to her back so that she was lying directly next to her baby girl, pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie and took a selfie of Emilia and herself to send it to Jay, adding a simple text about not having a dress and asking him whether a jeans and one of her nicer shirts would do the job, too.

It didn't even take a minute until she got his answer back. It was obviously a really low day in the bullpen and he had way too much time.

″My side of the closet, in between my suit and shirts,″ Erin read his text aloud. ″What does that mean Emmy?″ she asked her daughter and got up to check out the content of his side of the closet. She pushed a couple of shirts aside until she found what was talking about and for a moment she was completely speechless. She grabbed the hanger with the simple but elegant and comfy looking black dress with a v-neck and three-fourths sleeves. Jay Halstead had bought her a dress because he'd known that none of the ones she had would fit her again already. Was there anything in this world this man did not think about when he planned a surprise?

″Your daddy is the loveliest dork that exists on this planet,″ Erin said smilingly and her voice came as emotional as she was. ″Look at this,″ she added and showed Emilia her new dress. ″Do you think I'll look good wearing it?″ she asked right before her phone started ringing. She pulled it out of the pocket of her hoodie again and of course it was Jay's face together with Emilia's that flashed across the screen.

″How do you like it?″ he greeted her before she could say anything. Only from the sound of his voice she could tell that he was smiling.

″I love it,″ she smirked. ″And I love you. Thank you.″

″Love you, too. Be ready at 7.″

″Will try my best,″ she laughed, hung up and then picked Emilia up to enjoy some cuddles with her.

″What do you think Emmy?″ she whispered, ″will you let mommy take a shower, do her hair and put make-up on all before 7?″ she asked, already knowing that it wouldn't work that smooth for sure and as if Emilia wanted to agree she started to mewl just a couple of seconds later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Getting ready until 7pm became, as expected, quite a challenge and there were moments when Erin thought she would not make it in time and maybe also moments where she thought that she would rather enjoy the evening on the couch and catch some sleep instead of having a date night far away from their warm, comfy, beloved bed. But on the other hand she was kinda excited to spend a baby-free evening with just Jay, where they could talk undisturbed and just enjoy their togetherness. So her afternoon had consisted of a constant change between showering and nursing Emmy, between expressing her milk and doing her hair and changing diapers, between trying to put some make-up on and rocking her baby back to sleep.

It was shortly before 7pm, after nursing Emmy one last time before they would go, after changing her clothes for the night and putting her to bed, when she finally changed her leggins and shirt to the black dress. Of course it fit her perfectly and she honestly hadn't expected anything else. Standing in front of the mirror and flattening the fabric of the dress on her thighs she had to admit that the dark color really flattered her current build and that the dress looked surprisingly good on her. She loosened the ponytail so her hair, she'd done earlier, could fall onto her shoulders in soft waves. True to the motto: let's go the whole hog, she put a pair of highheels on, hoping that they wouldn't spend too much time outside. Otherwise her toes and feet would maybe not survive the night and rather freeze to death.

When she heard a key unlocking the front door, she walked into the living room to welcome her 'date' and the brightest of smiles spread across her face when she saw him, maybe even her mouth dropped open a little. There was something about seeing Jay in a suit that made it impossible for her to stare anywhere else but him. With his black suit and the white shirt with the top buttons being open he just looked sexy and handsome beyond limits.

Jay's smile was just as bright when he looked at his fiancée because she looked absolutely incredible and he wasn't able to turn his eyes away from her either. The highheels which made her legs look so long, the v-neck of her dress which perfectly emphasized her breasts, the subtle make-up and the soft waves of her dirty blonde hair that surrounded her face. This was what perfection looked like.

″You can close your mouth now,″ Jay chuckled as he was the first to find his words again.

″You can stop drooling and eating me up with your glance now,″ she sassed back. He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing a passionate kiss against her lips.

″You look absolutely gorgeous,″ he murmured into her mouth.

″You don't look too bad yourself either,″ she chuckled and kissed him again. ″When did you change?″

″Took a shower at work and had my suit there already,″ he grinned.

″Always prepared, huh?″

″Of course,″ he laughed. ″Where's my other princess?″

″Sleeping,″ she answered and he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the bedroom.

Having his arm wrapped around her shoulder they both stared into the bassinet and watched their daughter sleeping for a couple of minutes.

″I still can't believe we did this,″ Jay smiled, pressing a kiss against Erin's temple. Every time he looked at his daughter he was still all fascinated, felt beyond blessed and was so damn proud that this little bundle of life was their daughter.

″I can't believe she's already two weeks old tomorrow. I mean, two weeks ago today was a really tough day, you remember?″ Erin chuckled.

″Could never forget that in my life,″ he whispered, all the love he had for her sparkling from his bright blue eyes once again.

It took ten more minutes until a knock on the door signalised them that their babysitter was here. Erin opened the door and had to grin when she saw that Jay's babysitter guy wasn't his brother but Hank. She didn't even know why she'd expected it to be Will instead of Hank but she'd somehow thought Jay would rather ask his brother. She trusted them both in the same way and they were both allowed to babysit Emilia any time but the fact that Emilia would spend the evening with her grandpa made her even happier than she already was. After all this was the first time that she would be seperated from her daughter for at least four hours, maybe more, depending on what Jay had planned. And it didn't come easy to her to say goodbye to her little princess.

″Alright,″ Erin sighed after taking her jacket on. ″The bottles with milk are in the fridge. There's exactly the amount of milk inside she should drink. You just need to heat it up but take care that it's not too hot.″

″Sure, it's not the first time I take care of a baby, Erin,″ Hank smirked.

″Yeah, I know,″ Erin mumbled and her cheeks blushed a little. ″We fed her with the bottle occasionally the last three nights, so she shouldn't have a problem with it. But if there's anything, don't hesitate to call us so we'll be back in no time.″

″Of course,″ Hank nodded.

″Okay,″ Erin sighed, walked into the bedroom again to give Emilia another kiss, hesitated at her crib for a moment and then joined Hank and Jay in the living room again.

″Are you ready?″ Jay asked, reaching for her hand.

″I think so,″ she said and gave Jay a small, almost insecure smile.

″Then let's go,″ he grinned and pulled her towards the door.

″Oh wait,″ she said and stopped, turned her attention to Hank again. ″While she's awake and with you in the living room, you can air the bedroom for five to ten minutes but before you bring her back in you have to check that it's not too cold.″

″Uh-huh,″ Hank nodded but couldn't hide a little smile. ″I'll get it handled, no worries, Erin.″

″It's just the first time,″ she shrugged and it sounded like she was apologizing for her behavior.

″Hey Er, it's okay,″ Jay assured her immediately and squeezed her hand. ″You rather wanna stay here?″

″No,″ she answered and shook her head. ″It's just a little harder than I imagined it would be,″ she smiled faintly.

″I'll call you in case there's anything, I promise,″ Hank chimed in. ″But no call means you can enjoy your night, kiddo, so please just enjoy your night.″

″I will,″ Erin nodded and turned her head to Jay again. ″Let's hit the streets.″

He leaned down to gave her a short kiss before they waved to Hank once again and left him alone in their apartment by closing the door from the outside. Hank walked into the bedroom and leaned over the bassinet of his granddaughter only to see that she was awake, and stroked her little cheeks with the back of his fingers.

″Have you thought that your mommy would be such an overprotective mama-bear?″ he asked quietly. ″Because I haven't. Your dad, yes, I was sure he would be all protective over you, but your mommy, that's honestly a little surprising. I never thought that she could be like this but damn was I wrong and you know what: I'm so happy that I was,″ he said and picked her up into his arms, let her look over his shoulder and rubbed her back.

″She's so protective over you because she loves you so much and for me it's the greatest thing to see your mom so entirely happy and so in love with her life. That's all I've ever wanted and there were times when I thought I would never see her like this. But thanks to you and your dad she is and I will forever be thankful for this,″ he said, resting his cheek against the side of her head. ″I have to admit I can't believe I'm thankful for your dad knocking up your mom but I am. Because just like your parents I can't imagine a life without you anymore. You are my little girl, my princess, Emmy. Forever.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

A candle-light gala-dinner in the Signature Room of the Hancock Tower, with cheesy love songs playing in the background, with food to die for and an incredible view on the Chicago skyline that was always something special in the dark. This was what Jay had planned for this very Valentine's Day. It was quite an exclusive event with way less tables than one would usually find in the restaurant and instead there was lots of room for a dance floor. Sitting down on their table for two, that was decorated with the leafs of red roses and some small candles with flickering flames, next to the giant windows and then reading the menu they could expect this evening, Erin couldn't help but slightly shaking her head.

″What's up?″ Jay asked smirkingly after sitting down on his side of the table.

″We're all fancy now, huh?″ she grinned and she had to admit that she really liked it feeling so special. And fancy. Much to her own surprise. She would've been fine with just burgers and fries at Au Cheval.

″Sometimes,″ Jay smirked, covering her hand with his, stroking over her fingers with his thumb.

″I think I like being fancy sometimes,″ she chuckled.

″Glad to hear that,″ he winked. ″Will you dance with me tonight?″

″Uhm, I highly doubt that,″ she laughed.

″What? Why not?″ he asked and acted like he was upset about it.

″I don't think I feel like dancing at the moment.″

″I will convince you,″ he grinned. ″And you know: we need to practice because I assume there's a wedding dance coming up soon.″

With mentioning the wedding and the honeymoon associated with it, they'd found a topic they kept on talking for a little while longer, always enjoying little courses of their gala dinner in between. But there was one thing about their impending wedding Jay still had to adress and while they were waiting for their main course, he used the time to start talking about it. He had to do it eventually anyway, no matter whether he wanted to do it or not. And it was something they really needed to talk about before making further arrangements. For him, the things Hank had told him a little over a week ago on the way to the playground didn't change a thing but he wasn't sure whether the same applied for Erin, whether she was on the same page. This was why he'd sort of pushed this conversation to another day all the time but slowly but steady they needed to do the thing properly so pushing it any further wasn't the smartest thing to do.

″There's something I need to talk with you about,″ Jay said and gone was all the joke, all the flirt in his voice and he was suddenly dead serious.

″I don't like the sound of that,″ Erin answered and chuckled nervously.

″Hmm,″ he just shrugged in response.

″Seriously, just spit it out, you make me nervous right now.″

″It's nothing bad,″ he assured her immediately, squeezing her hand. ″It's just something Hank approached me about last week and he begged me to talk about with you,″ he added and started to tell her what Hank had told him on that chilly Sunday afternoon.

 _Hank was pushing Emilia's stroller and Jay was walking next to him, Noah sitting on his shoulders, his legs left and right to Jay's neck, his little hands resting on Jay's beanie. For some time they walked in silence and Noah was the only one who was constantly babbling. About birds and cars and the playground. He was beyond excited, everyone could see and hear that._

″ _How are things with the wedding going?″ Hank asked when they could already see the big playground in the distance._

″ _We haven't had time to really get into it yet. The wedding will be by the end of July but no decisions have been made yet,″ Jay answered, scanning the man who was basically his father-in-law for a moment, trying to figure out where this conversation was about to go._

″ _Well, I guess that's a good thing,″ Hank said and Jay's face grew even more skeptical by this statement. Was he about to take his approval back or what was he trying to tell him?_

″ _What is that supposed to mean?″ he frowned and his voice came more furious than he'd intended._

″ _The Ivory Tower, or Crowley in particular, approached me on Friday,″ Hank answered, giving Jay a meaningful glance and making a dramatic pause. Of course it immediately clicked and Jay sensed to know what the older man was going to say next._

″ _What did she want?″ he asked and now his voice had changed to being nervous._

″ _We both know, don't we, Jay?″ Hank asked back, looking directly into Jay's eyes. Brown meeting blue. No later than now Jay felt his suspicion confirmed and his heart maybe started beating a little faster in his chest. ″With the two of you marrying there's no chance you can stay partners and at the moment it looks just as bad for the two of you staying in the same unit,″ Hank confirmed. Although Jay had known that these words were coming he had to swallow hardly. He had never thought about this possibility before. That the Ivory Tower, or Crowley, would separate them, place them in different units or districts. Not being partners anymore was one thing and although he didn't like it, he could maybe understand the reason behind it a little, but that they weren't allowed to stay in Intelligence both? This was something he hadn't expected._

″ _And I wanted you to know that and I want Erin to know about it,″ Hank interrupted Jay's thoughts as the younger man didn't answer anything._

″ _Why? Because you think she will change her mind?″ Jay snapped._

″ _Doesn't this change things for you, Jay?″ Hank asked back, his voice also rising a little._

″ _No!″ Jay called furiously. ″I didn't ask her because I felt like asking her, because it was meant to be a joke or something. I asked her because I love her and I want her to be my wife. I asked her because I meant it. Because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Because I want to make her a promise for a lifetime and give her a ring for eternity. I want to marry her, Hank.″_

″ _It's just a ring, Jay.″_

″ _Getting married is not just about a ring and I'm pretty sure you know that.″_

″ _But in this case this ring would change everything,″ Hank said and Jay's eyes were still wide as he looked at him, as his mind put the pieces together and he couldn't believe the picture that built in his head._

″ _So let me get this straight: us being together was never a problem. Us having a baby also never seemed to be a problem, a reason for any changes. But marrying her is one? This is ridiculous,″ Jay said and laughed sardonically._

″ _It's because you'll be an official family then,″ Hank tried to explain._

″ _We are a family already!″_

″ _Jay, you two will be husband and wife. That's the closest connection two people can have. And you're going to have the same name.″_

″ _So this is about a name?″ Jay asked stunned and once again couldn't hide a sardonic laughter. ″Because this won't be a problem. She'll keep her name for work and take mine for everything regarding our personal life.″_

″ _It's not about a name,″ Hank disagreed. ″These are the rules, Jay. I didn't make them but I can understand them, can't you?″_

″ _No. Because they're beyond any comprehensibility. We never gave the department any reason to split us up. We never brought our personal life to work. We kept it professional all the way along because we respect our jobs and our private life is our private life and that's what we get for it?″ he asked and tried his best to keep his voice under control but of course he was still all furious._

″ _It wasn't my idea, believe me,″ Hank said and for the first time his voice softened a little, even his eyes showed the tiniest bit of compassion. ″Because you can bet I want to keep the two of you in my unit.″_

″ _So that's it? We're marrying and our wedding gift will be that we have to work in different districts?″ Jay asked._

″ _Or you're not marrying and you can both stay in Intelligence and nothing will change,″ Hank said._

″ _This is not an option,″ he answered and shook his head._

″ _What about Erin?″ Hank asked and Jay felt his heart dropping to his knees a little by this question. This wasn't an option for her either, right? She was all in in this whole wedding-thing. She'd said yes because she wanted it as much as he did. But maybe the possibility of them not working together anymore would completely change things for her. Would she want them to sacrifice their partnership at work for a wedding band? He couldn't say that he was entirely sure that Erin would be on the same page as him regarding this newest drama. He still wanted to marry her, even if that meant that their precious partnership at work would come to an end. But he could also understand if this was something that would throw Erin completely off, that one of them having to leave Intelligence would make her change her mind. Maybe for her a ring wasn't worth it and they should simply keep things as they were. They loved each other and were a family already, this would never change. Maybe they really didn't need a wedding band for it and if this was what Erin wanted he would not push her into the direction of marriage of course but would accept her decision._

″ _I don't know. I honestly don't know,″ Jay shrugged. ″But what I know is that no matter what she decides for, it will not change anything for us and I will accept it. If she wants us not to marry because of it we'll not marry. For now,″ he added emphatically._

″ _You need to talk to her soon.″_

″ _I know,″ Jay nodded._

″ _Listen: you promise me you'll talk to her and I promise I'll pull out all the stops to keep you in the same unit. Because as I said before, I'm not exactly eager to lose any of you, neither you nor Erin. With Erin not being around at the moment I think we all realize every day how much we need her and when you were at home with her after Emilia's birth we noticed the same applies for you. This unit needs you. Both. But although I maybe know people I can't promise that it'll work out and that's why Erin needs to know that there's the possibility of one of you leaving the unit, Jay.″_

″ _I understand,″ Jay sighed. ″I'll talk to her...and, uhm...thank you for your efforts,″ he added and Hank only nodded in response._

″ _Jaaaay, look,″ Noah squeeked as they reached the playground in this moment._

″ _You wanna go to the slide first, buddy?″ he asked, picked him up and let him down to the ground. The joy in Noah's face infected him instantly and he was glad for any laughter he would get now._

″ _Yes, come on,″ he giggled, grabbed for Jay's hand and pulled him to the slide while Hank sat down on the bench, pushing the stroller back and forth, and watched the man, who maybe or maybe not was going to his son-in-law soon, goofing around with Noah._

″So this means...,″ Erin stumbled after Jay had finished telling his story, trying to sum up what she'd just heard. ″When we marry there's no guarantee that we'll both stay in Intelligence and they will most likely place us in different districts?″

″Exactly,″ Jay nodded sighing and lay his hand atop of hers. ″What do you think about it Erin?″

″I hate bureaucrazy and I hate people who follow it,″ she answered and chuckled slightly. ″Not sure whether I've ever heard something that entirely stupid in my life before to be honest.″

″Tell me about it,″ Jay agreed before his words turned into an insecure stammer as he now had to ask her whether this stupid rule would destroy their plans. ″But...does this...does this change anything for you?″

First she looked at him like he was out of his mind but the longer she stared into his insecure eyes, the more a soft smile formed on her lips while Jay was holding his breath tensed.

″No,″ she whispered and she could literally hear all the weight falling from Jay's chest by speaking out this simple word. ″Jay, I love you and when I answered with yes I meant it. I want to marry you and I want to be your wife. You and me, our little family, that's way more important than any job in this world,″ she smiled and her heart melted by the giant smile that spread across Jay's face by her words. He has obviously been more than just a little tense. ″What about you?″

″There's nothing in this world that would make me take my question back,″ he grinned, squeezing her hand and just as always his sparkling eyes showed all his love for her. He would lie if he said he hadn't feared her answer. Of course he'd hoped she would answer like this but he hadn't been sure. Not because he doubted her love or thought that she'd just answered with yes back then in Wisconsin to not hurt his feelings, but because Erin has always been someone who identified herself with her job, who lived for her job because it has been the one constant thing in her life. So her answer now was just another proof how much she's changed in the last couple of months. Because the worm has turned and her own little family was now what she lived for.

″Good for you,″ Erin said and her raspy chuckle interrupted his thoughts. ″Maybe I should give the Task Force another try, what do you think?″ she laughed.

″Because it was such a success last time?″ he teased her.

″Uh-huh,″ she grinned. ″I mean, I can't say that I regret it though,″ she added and raised her eyebrows playfully, of course referring to their first little firework of feelings after her horrible day at her new job.

″Oh no, it was a great decision,″ Jay smirked. ″But maybe this isn't something you should try again.″

″You could be right,″ she agreed. ″But there are lots of other options, like working for the Prosecution Attorney's Office for example. Sounds boring but maybe it isn't,″ she laughed.

″Maybe Hank will...find a solution. He said he knows someone...″

″Well, he usually does. Guess we just have to wait and see. At the moment I don't even know when I'll come back to work. I have other priorities now.″

″I know,″ Jay nodded, giving her a little smile. ″So, 29th of July will be the day? Or the 22nd?″

″One of them, depends on the available wedding locations,″ she shrugged. ″I don't prefer one date over the other, do you?″

″Nope, I'm like totally open to both of them,″ he grinned.

″Are you totally open to a small wedding, too?″ she asked and her voice came a little shy, almost as if she wasn't sure whether she really wanted to ask him this. ″Because I think I prefer a wedding surrounded by just our friends and family, maybe some of the people from 51 or Med we work with regularly but that's it. I don't want to invite the whole district or any neighbors or any other people that crossed my path once or that we meet once a year. I want it to be small. And intimate. With all the people who really mean something to us.″

″Sometimes I have the feeling you can read my mind,″ Jay murmured smilingly and gave her a little wink before the waiter served them their main course.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their main course and the desert were, just like all the other small courses, without a doubt some of the most delicious dishes they've eaten so far. They joked around a little more, Erin constantly reminded Jay how crazy he was to spend so much money for just one evening and somewhen they also started talking about his father and his impending stay in a convalescent home. Jay's old man was doing fine but of course he was still weak and couldn't do much at this point and he had to regain his strength step by step, so he would leave for a facility in Michigan in a couple of days and would stay there for at least six weeks, getting further treatment while reducing the medication slowly and also getting lots of physical therapy and learning how to live again in general.

″Where are you going?″ Jay asked Erin when she got up from her chair and pulled her phone out of her small handbag.

″Uhm, just giving Hank a call,″ she answered.

″Did he send you a message?″ he frowned. He somehow hoped that their evening didn't come to a sudden end now. He enjoyed this precious time with just Erin way too much.

″No...I just want to know whether everything is alright.″

″Babe, no message means everything is perfect,″ Jay said quietly and also got up, kept her from leaving by standing directly in front of her.

″Am I paranoid?″ she sighed and placed her phone back on the table, stared at it as if she was waiting for it to start ringing.

″No, you're just a new mom who isn't used to leave her baby with someone else for so long,″ he smiled and brushed a strand out of her face, stroked her cheek with his thumb.

″As I said, paranoid.″

″Er, stop it,″ Jay whispered and came closer to her face, placed a kiss on her cheek. His hand found its spot on her lower back and he pulled her a little closer to his body, smelled the scents of her perfume and her shampoo, before his soft voice murmured into her ear: ″Dance with me tonight.″

This time she didn't say no. She looked him in the eyes and a grin formed on her lips. That was enough of an answer for him and he reached for her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. And then they danced in the dimmed light of the Signature Room. To all kind of corny love songs. To old ones and really old ones. To new ones and really new ones. To songs whose lyrics expressed what probably all of the couples around them felt this evening: pure, unconditional love. Exchanging kisses and tenderness all the time and making full advantage of their date night. While Erin's head rested on his chest, while she soaked in the scent of his cologne, while his hand covered her lower back, while they moved gently to the sound of ″The Power Of Love″, she realized that she really hadn't known how much she acutally needed this. Having him just for herself and being able to think about other things than diapers and nursing.

″Thank you for this,″ she whispered and lifted her head from his chest to look up to him. ″For this perfect evening.″

″Thank you for coming with me although you rather would've spent the evening on the couch wearing leggins,″ he chuckled.

″I have to admit, I really would've missed something tonight. This is a very special evening and I'm glad I was kinda plunged in at the deep end from you,″ she smiled, the cutest dimples forming on her cheeks.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded. ″Happy Valentine's Day,″ he then smirked before their lips melted in another kiss.

The night ended with a special Valentine's Day firework at Navy Pier and from their current location high above the streets of Chicago they had the most perfect view for this colorful spectacle.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After they've taken advantage of every second of their date night they returned home a couple of minutes after midnight and found Hank and Emilia dozing on the couch. They tried to be as silent as possible but of course Hank's hearing was trained enough that we would recognize every little noise and his eyes fluttered open by the sound of Erin putting her highheels, she'd already taken off in the staircase, down to the floor.

″How was your evening?″ Hank asked Erin as she joined him on the couch.

″Perfect,″ she smiled. ″Thanks for taking care of this little monster.″

″It was a pleasure and I'm always open for babysitting,″ he smirked.

″We will come back to this, no worries,″ Erin laughed and bit her lip before she shared the quite big news with him. News he might didn't expect. ″Because we're maybe going to take a couple of dancing lessons before the wedding that we don't make complete fools out of ourselves when it comes to the wedding waltz.″

The way Erin was looking at him, giving him a very meaningful glance, and the sound of her voice, hinting an emphatic undertone, were enough for Hank to know that Jay had talked to her and that she was aware of the possibilities now that one of them maybe had to leave Intelligence. On the one hand he was surprised by her decision to stick to the plan of marrying anyway, on the other hand this wasn't so surprising at all. Jay has changed her. She's become a different person thanks to him, a better person. A person who didn't struggle with her commitment issues anymore but was able to commit to her one, special person. A person who didn't put her job first anymore but her family. A person who was ready to tie the knot.

″Maybe not such a bad idea,″ he nodded, giving her the same glance back that showed her that he was aware and okay with her decision, maybe even appreciated it.

″Exactly our thought,″ she chuckled and turned her head to Jay who has just sat down on the armrest of the couch, smiling extremely bright.

″So how was your evening with the princess?″ Jay asked, placing his hand on Erin's neck and massaging it gently.

″She's an angel,″ Hank grinned and looked down to the sleeping baby in his arms. ″Right Emmy, you're my angel?″

″I have the feeling she's always an angel when she's with you guys and she's always grumpy when she's with me,″ Erin complained laughingly.

″I didn't say she wasn't grumpy though. Because she was. But even when she's crumpy she's my little angel,″ Hank smirked. ″And she fells better asleep to the sounds and noises of Terminator 3 playing on TV than to that stuffed musical box you have. Which shouldn't surprise me because she's your daughter,″ he chuckled raspily and looked to Erin and he earned a little punch on his shoulder from her in return.

″So you watched Terminator with our two-week-old?″ Erin asked and slightly shook her head.

″Yep. She was so excited about it that she completely passed out.″

″Amazing,″ she laughed. ″So would you mind bringing our little action-addicted girl to bed?″

″Not at all,″ Hank replied and got up from the couch to put his granddaughter to bed.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was around 1.15am at night, Erin has maybe slept for half an hour, when she woke up because Emilia started mewling in the most quiet way. But as always she heard it immediately and got up before Jay would wake up. He needed his sleep because he had to go to work in the morning while she could at least try to sleep throughout the day.

She picked her baby up and walked with her to her nursery, sat down in the rocking chair and settled her against her breast. She was sitting there in silence while she was nursing her daughter, stroked over her cheeks or her fuzzy brown her occasionally and just watched Emilia's features while she nursed and how she placed her tiny hand on her breast naturally, watched her swallowing the milk and how her faced got more and more satisfacted with every gulp she took.

″You know Emmy, you and me, we're maybe the two most blessed girls in this world. Because we have two extraordinary men in our lives,″ she whispered. ″Your grandpa is one of them. He's always there when we need him and I owe him so much. He's a perfect example for tough on the outside, soft on the inside. Especially when it comes to you. You have a way to melt people's heart, baby girl, especially his,″ she said and shifted her baby to her other breast after she'd unlatched herself from this one.

″And guess who's the other one?″ she asked while Emilia started to nurse again. ″Your daddy, Emmy. He's the one, you know? The one I fail in describing with words because everything he does for me leaves me speechless. Like tonight. For some people it would maybe just be a date night but it was so much more for me. I don't think many people would understand how special this evening was for me. Because there were times when I wasn't worth any efforts, when no one cared. But your daddy, he would divide oceans for me. And this is the best feeling in this whole world baby girl. When people you love do anything for you to make you happy, to make you feel special. Sometimes it's the little things that bring us to the peak of our happiness...″ she added pensively, feeling exactly this amout of overwhelming happiness filling every inch of her body. But as happy as she was in this very moment, she knew too well that no one was allowed to live in their happy-bubble forever. At some point it would pop. This was reality, this was life, this was her life in fact. She was the last person who would be allowed to live a happy ever after because when has she ever been allowed to be constantly happy over a longer period of time? To enjoy her life without something bad happening? She didn't trust this whole thing. Fate had a way to play with her like a bouncy ball. Up and down and down and up. After every peak there was a fall and she's been at this point too often. As often as that she knew that sometimes it also were the little things that brought people to their darkest place, that shattered them into a million pieces and let them call everything into question...

* * *

 **Thanks you for reading, I hope you liked it! And thanks for your reviews and nice words on my last chapter, if you have time, please leave me one again and tell me what you think about the chapter, about CPD, whatever you like! ;)**


	45. Do You Believe In Magic?

**First of all I wanted to say thank you for all your positive feedback on my 'little' rant (and on my last chapter of course)! I'm glad that I'm by far not the only one who feels like this. That being said, wasn't it awesome how much of a follow-up to the first Linstead fight we got in the last episode? *coughcough*. Seems like the resolution of their fight was really just a friggin' text message and all the other things that might happened in between the two episodes are up to our imagination (can't say we're not used to it by now *sigh*). We didn't even get the tiniest clue whether they worked things out and where they are right now. Is Erin still mad? Did they talk? Do they still have issues? Are they back being all in love? What happened to Erin's thoughts about leaving Chicago? Guess this was just a senseless, useless cliffhanger to make fans anxious because of course she was back at work, like nothing ever happened, like she never called her life into question. Ooh this little CPD bubble of focussing on the cases and not giving a shit about continuity is awesome.**

 **And just to add another thing: when they already focus on the cases and don't have time for personal storylines, why on earth can't Jay sit next to Erin in that last scene in Molly's? Why can't he wrap his arm around her shoulder press a kiss against her temple? This would for sure not cost more screen time than showing Erin sitting next to Kim and Jay sitting at the bar and they could show the fans that they're doing fine and would also give us 5 seconds of happiness. Smh. There are just some things I'll never understand.**

 **I hope CPD won't give me as many reasons for more rants for the remainder of the season but I guess we'll have to wait and see what they come up with. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to bash CPD, I love that show. But because I love it I'm this invested and that's why all these things just leave disappointment at the moment.**

* * *

 **45\. Do You Believe In Magic?**

″This better be an urgent emergency. Like urgent urgent,″ Erin said after Kim had opened the door of her apartment on this Wednesday evening three weeks after Emilia's birth. An hour ago Kim had called her and begged her to come to her place as there was some kind of emergency. She hadn't told her all the details but of course Erin had instantly assured her best friend to come. So as Jay was not home because he was back to also working overtime, and today was the first time it would get really late as the unit was about to bust some gangbangers later the night, she had changed Emilia's clothes to her thick winter stuff as it was freezing cold again outside, had settled her in her car seat and had driven straight to Kim's place which was fifteen minutes from her apartment.

″It is...kinda,″ Kim chuckled nervously and let Erin inside.

″Kinda?″ Erin asked and raised her eyebrows while walking past her friend, the smell of fresh cooked food invading her senses in the most positive way. She placed the diaper bag on the floor and the car seat with her awake daughter on the couch and started undressing her.

″Yeah kinda,″ Kim said and joined Erin after closing the door. ″There's my sweetest little girl,″ she smiled at the little bundle of life dressed in a gray and white pajama with Winnie-the-Pooh on front, talking with a typical, silly baby-voice. ″She's so cute.″

″She wasn't that cute a couple of minutes ago when I put her in the car seat. Screaming like a maniac because I put her out of her bed and changed her clothes. Little monster, right Emmy?″ Erin smirked and stroked her baby's rosy cheek with her thumb.

″Oh, I'm sorry,″ Kim apologized immediately and felt a little bad that she'd called her and had in addition dramatized it all way too much. When Erin found out that there was actually not really an emergency, at least not one someone would ever call an emergency, she would most likely bite her head off.

″No worries, she calmed down ten minutes into our car ride. Seems like she likes driving just as much as I do,″ Erin laughed. ″So what's up?″ she asked and threw her own jacket and beanie over the back of the couch before she picked her baby up into her arms.

There it was, the one question Kim really didn't want to answer right now so she tried to play out time a little by focussing on the baby and stroking her tiny hand.

″Uhm...can I maybe hold her?″ she asked and it sounded almost shy.

″Yeah, sure,″ Erin winked and handed her the baby carefully. ″I'm always here for volunteers who want to prove their babysitting skills.″

″Hey Emilia, come to auntie Kim,″ she soothed and they both sat down on the couch, Kim giving Emilia her littlest finger so she could wrap her hand around it. ″She has Jay's eyes,″ she stated and couldn't turn her gaze away from her. Babies really had their own magic to mesmerize people completely.

″She has,″ Erin nodded smilingly. She still thought Emilia was the perfect mix of both, her and Jay, but everyone else kept telling different, that she was all Erin except of her bright blue eyecolor. ″So back to the 'kinda' emergency, what's wrong?″

 _Damn it_ , Kim thought and kept her gaze focused on Emilia while her mind tried to find a better explanation than the truth. Unfortunately there was none and playing out time wouldn't work for a second time for sure.

″Soooo,″ she said before she started speaking almost a little too fast for Erin to follow. Which was exactly her plan. Packing as much words into one sentence as possible. ″I cooked Fettucine Alfredo because someone was supposed to join me for dinner tonight. Someone who's always hungry which means I naturally cooked a lot. But now he can't come and I don't wanna eat Fettucine Alfredo for the next five days and I knew you were alone at home too, because Jay's also stuck at work and we didn't have a girl's evening in ages and...I thought it would be nice,″ she choked and took a deep breath after finishing her endless sentence, turning her head with her blushed cheeks to Erin.

″Wait wait wait,″ Erin stumbled and her mind needed a moment to process all of these information. Because there were a lot of things that made her curious right now and she tried to weigh what she should adress first.

″So you made me wake up my baby, put her in her winter romper and come here in a rush just because you cooked too much? This is the most absurd emergency ever,″ she stated.

″We really needed another girl's evening, you can't deny that,″ Kim grinned innocently.

″That's seriously the only excuse that saves your life right now,″ Erin laughed and shook her head. ″You're crazy, you know that, right?″

″I know. But that's why you like me,″ Kim chuckled before she got serious again. ″Honestly, I didn't think about the fact that 7.30 is possibly bedtime, I'm sorry.″

″Never mind,″ Erin shrugged and then looked at her daughter who was still occupied with Kim's finger. ″At the moment she seems pretty satisfied with her new surroundings.″

″Of course she is because she's with her favorite auntie,″ Kim laughed.

″Yeah, keep telling that to yourself,″ Erin joked and decided to go one step further in analyzing Kim's monologue about why she'd called her.

″So you and Adam are back together?″ she asked all casual. And Kim's reaction was priceless and exactly how she had expected it to be. She turned her head around immediately and looked at Erin like a doe in the beam of the headlights. Big eyes, blushed cheeks, maybe even gasping for air and definitely searching for words.

″What? No,″ she spluttered and shook her head vehement. ″Why would you think that?″

″Kim, there's one thing you need to learn: although I'm on maternity leave doesn't mean I lost all my detective skills. They are still fully awake, every time of the day, no matter how exhausted I am,″ she said and only stopped to give her friend a meaningful glance. ″So you can talk as fast as you want, I still get it. You talked about how _he_ can not come and you knew I was alone at home because Jay is _also_ at work. How would you know about Jay still being at work if it wasn't because Adam told you they have an all-nighter ahead?″ Erin grinned. She simply loved putting pieces together and she enjoyed it even more when she could tell people about the picture these pieces formed, who didn't think someone would figure it out but rather thought they were sneaky enough. Although this one was a pretty easy one.

″Touché,″ Kim only sighed in response. ″You really enjoy that, don't you?″

″Oh yeah,″ Erin laughed. ″Although you could've made it at least a little more challenging.″

″Maybe next time,″ she grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded, deciding to get back to her main question as she was still curious about what she's missed within the last few weeks. ″So, what's going on there?″

″We're...taking things slow. As slow as that even a snail would pass us I guess,″ Kim finally confirmed and a special smile flitted across her face.

″So you're in the phase of hanging out together and having dinner together? As friends?″

″Well...″ she sighed. ″At the moment I don't know what we are. We're beyond the point of just being friends but we're not a couple either.″

″Friends with benefits?″ Erin asked outright.

″No!″ Kim choked and once again her cheeks blushed in embarrassment. ″Nothing happened there.″

″So why are you beyond the point of being friends then?″ she frowned.

″Because...we kissed on Valentine's Day,″ Kim admitted quietly but once again she couldn't hide a fond grin. It was obvious that she was thinking back to this evening when her lips and the lips of her ex had reunited.

″Oh come on, really? That's so clichée,″ Erin laughed.

″I knoooooow,″ she sighed, rolling her eyes dramatically. ″But it simply happened, just like in these corny movies where you eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream while watching them and think eeewww.″

″I wanna hear the full story now,″ Erin said and looked at her daughter who slowly drifted back to sleep. She reached for the cozy lime blanket that lay in the car seat and handed it to Kim. ″Swaddle it around her a little.″

With some help from Erin Kim wrapped the blanket around Emilia in a couple of seconds and luckily the newborn didn't wake up again instantly by the movement, so Kim could tell Erin what she was quite eager to hear now.

″So...he invited me for dinner in this real fancy place in the Loop and afterwards we went ice skating in the moonlight and then he brought me home and I hugged him and we looked into each other's eyes and yeah. You can work that out for yourself. But it was so different than all the kisses we shared before. So much more...intense. And it felt so right. It felt like there's now something between us that hadn't been there before,″ she said and she was clearly living these memories again, so Erin was kinda surprised when she continued talking with a voice that was completely different, rather pensive and quiet. ″Do you believe in magic, Erin? And with magic I don't mean the Wizard of Oz or Harry Potter. I mean this magic between two people. You know what I'm talking about?″

″I do,″ Erin nodded in response immediately. She didn't even have to think about it. She knew exactly what Kim was talking about. Her's and Jay's relationship was filled with this kind of magic and every single day it was dancing around them or there was this tender bond of magic sparkling between them, sometimes more, sometimes less, but it was always there. It was something far from simple attraction and lust and passion and chemistry. It was some kind of connection, it was real, it was love, it was trust and so much more than that. And it was impossible to describe with words because it was what it was: magic.

″You and Jay have it, right?″

″Yeah, I would say so,″ Erin smiled.

″I don't know whether Adam and I have it but it for sure felt magical that evening,″ Kim said and also smiled faintly before she inhaled a deep breath. ″I think I want to give us a second chance. Do you...do you think this is stupid?″

″Kim,″ Erin said and lay her hand on her friends's arm. ″It doesn't matter what I think. Or what anyone else thinks. This is your life and no one's business but yours. Do what makes you happy. Do what's right for you. You want to give your relationship with Adam another chance, then go for it. No one can read your fortune and tell you whether this is right or wrong, neither me, nor yourself. When you don't do it you'll maybe regret it one day because you'll never know how it would've turned out. When you do it you'll maybe regret it one day either because it didn't turn out in the way you imagined. But in the end we mostly regret not taking the chances we had. Only time will tell, so be brave and listen to your heart to do the right thing for you.″

″Did anyone ever tell you that you have a way with words?″ Kim asked and gave her friend a thankful smile. ″I think...I want this. I want Adam. Maybe I even want this with him...way in the future,″ she said and looked down to the sleeping baby.

″Do not go back to rush things, this wasn't the smartest plan last time,″ Erin grinned.

″Thanks for the reminder, but no, snail pace, you know?″ she chuckled. ″Dang, do I really consider taking this idiot back?″

″I knew this was bound to happen back in October. It was just a matter of time,″ Erin smirked.

″Why did you never say something?″

″What should I have said? Hey Kim, I'm sure you and Adam will get back together because I can totally see the heart eyes and the spark right there?″ Erin asked. ″No, this was none of my business and I wanted you to figure things out yourself, without me influencing you.″

″Uh-huh,″ Kim nodded. ″Thank you. I'm glad you're my friend.″

″Not really the best kind of friend at the moment though.″

″You have other priorities now and you're still here when I need you,″ Kim winked. ″So, how about eating some Fettucine Alfredo?″

″That is actually a brilliant idea. Because that's what I came for, right?″ Erin laughed and the two women got up from the couch to fill their plates with pasta.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

While eating Fettucine Kim told Erin a story how this was actually Adam's famous dish and how he had once surprised her with his extraordinary cooking skills and now she'd wanted to surprise him with his favorite dish, showing him that hers were just as good. As Emilia had one of her better evenings and only started to cry when she became hungry, which Erin could simply fix with nursing her, and not general dissatisfaction, they continued their girl's evening beyond dinner and later found themselves on the couch, eating ice cream and gossiping about the newest rumors around the 21st, the fire station and Med.

″Talking about 51,″ Kim said, swallowing down her ice cream. ″Cruz will teach another Zumba class. In Antonio's gym this time. Monday and Thursday evenings from nine to ten, starting March 13th.″

″Well...that's nice for Cruz,″ Erin answered, not knowing what her friend wanted to tell her.

″Sylvie told me about it and said it's a lot of fun. So I think I will give it a try. What do you think about doing it together?″ Kim smiled.

″Zumba?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows. ″I don't think I'm a Zumba person.″

″It's actually pretty hard and arduous. Come on Erin,″ she pleaded.

″I don't know...″

″It'll be fun. Sylvie and Gabby will be there, Maggie and Natalie want to come, April and Sarah are thinking about it, even Platt considers it.″

″Platt? Do we really wanna do Zumba with our desk sergeant?″ Erin chuckled.

″Just seeing Platt doing Zumba is worth it,″ Kim grinned. ″Come on, give it a try.″

″Kim, even if I would want to come, what am I going to do with Emmy?″ she asked and looked at her sleeping baby in the car seat.

″I'm convinced Jay will be happy to take care of her all alone twice a week for two hours.″

″What if he has to work late like today? It happens all the time.″

″Then you can easily bring her to the gym with you,″ Kim answered. It seemed like she had a solution for everything but for Erin it wasn't that easy.

″And let her sleep in her stroller in a room with loud music?″ Erin asked back and raised her eyebrows. No matter how good and deep the sleep of babies was, this was something she would for sure not do. She wanted Emilia to have as peaceful surroundings as possible, especially in the evening.

″She can sleep in Antonio's office, there's always someone around who can call you when she's crying.″

″I have the feeling you had way more time to think about your arguments than I had,″ Erin grinned and slightly shook her head, sensing there was no way out of this. And maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. She wanted to get back in shape anyway, wanted to hit the gym within the next few weeks for the first time to work on the comeback of her muscles and abs, and taking part in Cruz's Zumba class with lots of women she knew and liked was for sure funnier than running on the treadmill or lifting weights all alone.

″Of course I have. I knew you would be a tough piece of work,″ Kim laughed.

″Alright I'm in,″ Erin finally spoke out the words Kim wanted to hear.

″This is going to be awesooooome,″ Kim squeaked, the brightest of smiles spreading over her face.

They kept on talking about Cruz's famous Zumba class a little while longer and when Erin came up with the explanation that she needed to get back into shape for the wedding anyway, much more for buying a wedding dress in spring, they've found another topic they kept on talking about for almost an hour and somehow completely forgot time while discussing wedding locations and shops to buy wedding dresses as Kim had of course devoted herself with everything that had to do with weddings a little more than Erin.

It was almost 11pm when Erin left Kim's apartment but before the latter could close the door, Erin turned around again as a sudden thought has come up in her mind, something she hadn't really thought about before.

″Did you forget something?″ Kim frowned when Erin walked back to her.

″Uhm...no...well yes...basically,″ Erin spluttered and chuckled slightly about this mess of words.

″Well, okay,″ Kim laughed.

″I forgot to ask you whether you want to be my maid of honor,″ Erin said and smiled faintly at her friend whose mouth dropped open a little by this question.

″There's...,″ she started but her voice came cracked, so she cleared her throat before she continued talking. ″There's nothing I'd like to do more,″ she smiled and Erin was sure to see some small tears of emotion sparkling in her eyes.

″Great, thank you,″ Erin smiled, let Kim hug her once again and then waved goodbye to her friend who still looked all perplex.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

March approached with big steps and Erin more and more found a routine in her new role as a housewife and mother throughout the day and she wondered how she ever could've thought that her life with a newborn would consist of staring at walls. Because it was anything but boring. In the mornings she always did the laundry or cleaned anything else in their apartment as there was always something that needed to be cleaned or to be done. But she also enjoyed to just lie down on the floor next to her daughter on the cozy lamb-looking-like baby mat in the nursery, to stare at her or to show her some of her stuffies and other toys. Emilia was already up a little more throughout the day and seemed to realize her surroundings more.

After an easy morning they always went for an one hour stroll and when they just needed a couple of things from the grocery store Erin combined the stroll with paying the store around the corner a quick visit. And the rest of the day consisted of either going to the grocery store by car and cooking or enjoying a quiet afternoon at home, as quiet as it could be with a newborn, or with visiting her favorite people in the bullpen for two hours when she knew they had not much to do anyway or were just putting pieces together and following leads.

When Jay came home from work they spent their evenings mostly all lazy, on the couch with watching a movie while Jay cuddled with Emilia. Ever since he'd returned to work the evening belonged to him and from the moment he unlocked the door of their apartment to the moment they went to bed he was the one to do everything. Bathing her, changing her, giving her the bottle, calming her down, rocking her to sleep, letting her sleep on his chest. He needed this. These pure, peaceful moments with his daughter. Especially after hard days, after seeing brutal crimes and after emotional talks with relatives and friends of their victims he needed these perfect moments of pure joy that showed him that the world was not only bad.

They both couldn't believe how fast time went and asked themselves on the 1st of March how it was possible that Emilia was already a month old. To celebrate this day a little they went out to a nice restaurant in downtown in the evening for the first time as a family of three and surprisingly it didn't end in a catastrophe but worked pretty well. Afterwards they strolled through the still busy city, Jay pushing the stroller all proud with one hand while his other arm was wrapped around Erin.

With Emilia turning one month old, Erin's doctor also gave her the green light that she could slowly start to workout again, so after giving herself another week, this was the first thing she did on the morning of the 8th of March. She hit the gym, that was a 20-minutes walking distance away from their apartment, and discussed a plan with one of the trainers who told her exactly what she should and could do and how she could increase the level slowly. Of course Emilia was with her, sleeping in her stroller close by. As Erin had nursed her right before they'd left the apartment, she only cried once because of her diaper, so she changed it and waited until Emmy was more or less back to sleep before she put her back in the stroller and trained a little more. She figured that having a little break in between wasn't the worst thing but rather a welcome change to regain energy.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Monday evening came and it was time for the first Zumba class with Kim and the rest of the girls she knew and she had to admit, she was honestly excited about it.

″Byebye Minnie,″ Erin almost sang and placed a kiss on Emilia's head as the baby looked over Jay's shoulder. It was 8.30pm and usually she was asleep at this time but this evening she was a little grumpy and unsettled. Erin had asked Jay whether she should rather stay at home but he had assured her that he would get it handled. And of course he would, she didn't doubt that for one second. Jay was the most amazing father Emilia could wish for and seeing the two of them together still melted Erin's heart every time.

″And byebye daddy,″ she smirked and melted her lips with Jay's for a quick second.

″You sure you wanna do sports again after you cried all weekend how you have the worst charley horse ever and how everything hurts and you can't move?″ Jay teased her, grinning at her all innocent.

″I didn't cry babe,″ she objected.

″You whined every time you had to get up or move your body,″ Jay chuckled.

″I didn't whine. I...complained. A little,″ she smirked.

″A little?″ Jay echoed and laughed teasingly.

″Yeah, a little little. But whatsoever, it's almost gone now and doing more sports only helps...I hope,″ she laughed.

″I hope so, too. Because I'm not sure whether I can take it again when you moan all the time...for the wrong reason,″ he joked, the most dorky grin ever covering his lips.

″You're an idiot,″ she chuckled with a shake of her head and turned around to leave.

″Just saying, it's about time that you moan for the right reason again,″ he teased. She turned her head to him again, her cheeks were slightly blushed and she couldn't hide a grin.

″You know, I'm really happy that our daughter is too young to understand this conversation, really happy,″ she said all dry before she turned around again and left the apartment with the second attempt.

″Oh Emmy, you better start to learn ignoring mommy's and daddy's dirty talk. And maybe you should learn in general to ignore us doing the dirty stuff and better not interrupt us. Like last night. Daddy doesn't like that. But you have the big advantage that you're the cutest little girl and daddy's favorite, so I can't even be mad at you,″ he chuckled and placed a kiss on the side of Emilia's head.

Almost two weeks ago, when Erin had been at her doctor's office to get back on birth control, her doctor had not only given her the green light to do sports again, but also to have sexual intercourse again whenever she felt ready for it. Of course their sex-life has been stone-dead these last six weeks and yesterday evening could've been the first post-baby sex when cuddling turned into kissing, into canoodling and almost into completely losing it...

 _Both of them being somehow sick of just cuddling and maybe a tad bit impatient to feel each other again, Jay leaned over Erin and after kissing her a little more intense and longer and teasingly than usual, he looked into her eyes as if he was asking for her permission for the things they both knew were about to happen if they didn't force themselves to stop instantly. The desire in her eyes was real, maybe almost as big as his own. She didn't say anything, just smiled faintly at him. Silent communication, telling him that she was ready and that they could try it, unless it would hurt too much. He brushed a strand out of her perfect face and then brought his lips down to hers to kiss her again. It started slow and soft, their lips melting in passion until their kisses deepened and their tongues started to explore each other's mouths. He felt how she placed her hand on his bare back and pulled him closer while her other hand found its spot on his neck. His left hand traveled under her shirt and touching her skin softly he could feel the goosebumps it created at this exact spot and most likely over all her body. And of course his body was already reacting, too, just like it always did. Erin felt his cock throbbing against her thigh through the fabric of his sweatpants while his hands traveled up further and found her bare breasts._

″ _Jay,″ she whispered and suppressed a groan by feeling his fingers caressing her nipples softly and carefully because they were a little sore._

″ _Ssssshhh,″ he mumbled and crashed her lips again but unfortunately she slightly pushed him away. ″Erin,″ he moaned in frustration._

″ _You have a condom?″ she asked and rolled over to her bedside table to turn the light on and to look for a condom in the depth of her drawer._

″ _A condom?″ Jay frowned and leaned over her body to also catch a glimpse into her drawer. ″You're back on birth control, we don't need a condom.″_

″ _I'm on birth control for not even two weeks which means my body is absolutely not used to it and women are super fertile after giving birth, so you are going to cover your little friend for at least the next four weeks or nothing is going to happen between us...which would be a pity,″ she chuckled slightly before a frustrated sigh escaped from her lips. ″I don't have one.″_

″ _Alright, let me check,″ Jay said and rolled over to his side of the bed, hoping that there would be one from whenever they'd needed condoms for the last time ages ago. Luck was on their side tonight and he found one in the deepest corner of his drawer._

″ _Happy now?″ he murmured after turning to Erin again, showing her the little package with the important content._

″ _Uh-huh,″ she nodded and this time it was on her to lean over him to first place kisses in his neck before finding his lips. They started their foreplay all over again but even before Erin came to the point of ripping the wrapping of the condom open, Emilia's crying filled the air in the bedroom and gone was all the romance._

″ _This is not happening now,″ Jay moaned but Erin had already stopped with teasing him with her kisses and touches and was about to get up. Gone was the possible reunion of their bodies._

″ _Guess it is,″ Erin sighed, got up and picked Emilia up from her bassinet._

″ _Oh baby girl, we should really work on your timing,″ she soothed and sat down in the bed again, leaned back against the cushions and settled her crying baby against her breast._

″ _This is something I will not forgive you for a long time, princess,″ Jay said and although he was anything but happy he managed to chuckle slightly._

″ _Now that I think about it,″ Erin said and kept on looking down to her daughter, ″I'm not sure whether I could've done it. With her in the room. I mean, it's awkward to know that she...hears it and stuff.″_

″ _Erin she has no clue what's happening.″_

″ _Yeah, but still, don't you find it awkward to know that we're not alone? I don't think I can do this as long as she sleeps in here,″ she said and the last smile dropped from Jay's face by these words._

″ _W...wait, she will sleep in here until she's at least three months old,″ he noticed._

″ _That is correct,″ Erin confirmed and looked at him for the first time, saw the kinda shocked expression on his face and she really felt a little compassion towards him. First no scrabble for six weeks, then their daughter interrupted their possible first post-baby scrabble-session and now he obviously thought about being celibate for another two months._

″ _But we have other spots in this apartment that proved their qualities for playing scrabble, don't we?″ she smirked mischievously and gave him a little wink._

″ _Yeah I think there should be some,″ he answered. ″And you know, we can always push the bassinet into another room for an hour,″ he added and this time it was him who smirked mischievously before he paid the bathroom a visit._

″That was a fun night, right?″ Jay said and shifted his almost 6-week-old daughter down into his arms before he sat down on the couch with her, Emilia staring at him with her big blue eyes. She was so focused on people already, especially him and Erin of course, it was incredible. And as if she wanted to agree that she found it indeed funny, she gave him a smile. The very first real bright smile. Jay's heart almost exploded in his chest. His daughter was smiling at him in the cutest way and although it's just been a brief moment, Jay was absolutely over the moon.

″Did you just give daddy a smile, Emmy? Huh, did you just give me a little smile?″ he asked, making silly baby faces while he was talking to her so she would maybe bless him with another smile.

″Will you do me the favor and give me another big smile or nah?″ he asked but instead of showing him her tiny smile again, she yawned and grimaced which was just as cute.

″Alright, I got the message, maybe tomorrow,″ he chuckled and lay back down on the couch, letting Emilia rest on his chest, and turned the TV on.

″But you know what Emmy,″ Jay whispered while covering her with the blanket he grabbed from the backrest of the couch. ″We're not going to tell mommy about this, okay? We're not going to tell her that you gave me your first real smile because I think she would be a little sad about this. She's the one who deserves your first smile because she takes care of you almost 24/7. So you better show her your smile soon, too and until then we'll keep our little secret, deal?″ he asked her, kissed her head again and then covered her tiny back with his hand protectively before he turned his attention to the TV and some documentary about Antarctica.

As proud and delighted and happy as he was that he'd just gotten and seen Emilia's first real, bright smile, he really didn't want to reveal this to Erin. She did a hell of a job at the moment, was the most perfect mother and in his opinion she deserved Emilia's first smile more than he did. So he would stay quiet about it and would patiently wait for the day Erin would tell him ecstatically that Emmy had smiled for the very first time and would then be delighted with her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After sleeping on Jay's chest for almost an hour, the peace was over when Emilia started to scream. He sat up and first tried to calm her by rubbing her back softly and talking to her but when it didn't help, he went to the nursery to check her diaper, finding the problem right there.

″So my naked baby girl, are we satisfied now again, yeah?″ he asked after cleaning her and leaned down to kiss her bare belly, suddenly feeling a wet blotch occuring on his shirt. He only needed a second to sense what this warm fluid was.

″You didn't just pee on me, did you?″ Jay asked her and straightened himself, seeing very well that she had peed on him. ″Oh well, you peed on me, amazing,″ he chuckled and took his shirt off before finally putting her a new diaper on.

″Note to myself: always make sure that everything's covered before getting up to nonsense,″ he laughed and closed the straps of the diaper.

″You know Emilia, you really could've warned me somehow,″ he said while dressing her in her grey-and-white-and-purple striped stretchie for the night again, covering her feet with cozy socks. ″And just that we're on the same page about this: this little accident stays between the two of us as well,″ he chuckled and once again Emilia stared at him attentively as if she was able to understand every word.

He picked her up, grabbed his dirty shirt, went to the bathroom to throw it in the laundry basket and then went to the bedroom to get a new one and bring his little girl to bed.

″But no matter that you peed on me and no matter how many more times this might happen within the next years, I love you so much, Emmy. More than you will ever know,″ he whispered before placing her in her bassinet. Her eyes were already heavy as he stroked over her head and watched her for a couple of minutes. He still could easily stare at her every day all day long. When she started to lull away, he went to his closet to get a new shirt and when he looked into the bassinet again before leaving the bedroom, her closed eyelids with the long lashes showed him that she was already in dreamland.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin returned from her Zumba class not even an hour later and literally fell onto the couch right next to him.

″How was it?″ he asked, turning his attention from Netflix to his fiancée and he had to suppress a laughter as she looked completely done with the world.

″It was fun,″ she grinned, blowing a strand, that had loosened from her messy ponytail, out of her face, ″but holy hell, I didn't think it would be this hard. It's seriously crazy and I might gasped like a steam enginge but I feel so good now,″ she yawned and stretched her body to give her aching muscles some relief.

″So you wanna keep doing it?″

″Natalie, Sylvie, Kim, Gabby, Platt and Maggie were there and we laughed a lot, so yeah, I think I'd like to go there twice a week if possible,″ she shrugged. ″I mean if it's okay for you?″

″Of course I'm okay with it. Do whatever you want, babe,″ he smiled and pulled her into his embrace.

″I just feel bad because the evening is the only time of the day when we see each other and can spend time together and I'll be out and about two times a week.″

″The week has five other evenings,″ he winked. ″And I thought that we could maybe arrange a weekly date night. Where Hank or Will or maybe Kim take care of Emmy and we go out for dinner, to the theater, to the Bulls or Hawks game or to play squash, take dancing lessons, whatever. Just the two of us once a week for an evening. What do you think?″

″I would like that,″ she smirked, liking this idea a lot. She loved their baby and their new life and enjoyed every minute of it but in between their parental duties and work it was important that they still had time for each other, time they could cherish as a couple and having this time once a week was a really nice thought.

″Me too,″ he murmured and placed a kiss on her temple only to have the taste of salt on his lips instantly.

″Not such a brilliant idea to kiss me before I took the shower,″ she chuckled when she saw how he grimaced his face.

″I hate to break it to you, but you're smelling,″ he teased her.

″That happens when you do Zumba and have the stamina of a 70-year-old. Seriously, even Platt is fitter than I am,″ she sighed

″Platt wasn't pregnant for the last nine months and she didn't give birth six weeks ago.″

″But she's basically a hundred years old,″ Erin laughed.

″Well...this statement better stays between us because otherwise the news will read: Drama in the 21st; Desk Sergeant kills her own Detective after Zumba class,″ he laughed.

″Most probably,″ she chuckled in response, imagining Platt's reaction if she would say this statement in front of her. No matter that Platt loved her, she would for sure not survive this day.

″Plus it'll only take a couple of weeks and you'll be back to being better than her,″ he grinned.

″I sure hope so,″ she said and got out of his embrace, bracing herself up to take the much needed shower.

″What are you doing?″ Jay asked, sounding a little disappointed. Cuddling with her in the evening was the best, even when she was smelling of sweat a little.

″Working on my scent,″ she winked and shuffled towards the bathroom but halfway through the room, she turned around to him again. ″How long is Emmy already sleeping?″

″Not even an hour, so no worries, you don't have to hurry and even if she wakes up and is hungry, I'm here and can give her the bottle,″ he assured her.

″This is not why I was asking but good to know that it seems like _I_ have time for a _long_ shower,″ she answered huskily, giving him a meaningful glance combined with a naughty grin before she left him alone in the living room.

Of course Jay got the message instantly. He'd heard which words she'd emphasized and he knew this little grin too well and this glance was also not new for him. He felt his heartbeat quicken in excitement a little but tried to keep himself cool. Emilia could still wake up any second and disturb their plan again. He waited a couple of minutes to give Erin some time to start her shower, went to the bedroom to grab the important little package and then sneaked into the bathroom.

″I already thought you didn't get the message,″ Erin said from inside the shower while he was stripping his clothes as fast as possible.

″I totally got the message, no worries,″ he answered huskily and slipped into the shower with one galant move.

″Good,″ she smirked before their lips melted in a longing, passionate, hot kiss, as hot as the water that streamed down their backs...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Holy hell,″ Erin said breathlessly when she stepped out of the shower behind Jay, still having the feeling that the air around them was unbelievably hot although they'd ended their little scrabble-session with lots of cold water to cool down. ″That was...steamy.″

″Not bad for the first post-baby sex,″ Jay smirked and handed her a towel, roaming all the curves, that were still left from her pregnancy, with his eyes, a somehow bad feeling overcoming him out of nowhere.

″Not bad at all,″ she grinned back at him.

″Mhm,″ he nodded while wrapping his towel around his waist and watching her how she dried herself off. ″Can I ask you something?″

″Yeah, sure,″ she answered and frowned by the change of his voice. Out of a sudden he appeared so serious.

″Did it hurt?″ he asked quietly, fearing that he might had hurt her, suddenly feeling guilty for whatever reason, for maybe getting lost in his passion and not being gentle enough but too hard for the first time after she'd given birth.

″A little,″ she shrugged and slipped into her fresh panties and Jay's shirt he'd worn earlier. It wasn't a big deal for her. She'd expected that it would hurt up to a certain degree. When he didn't answer anything, she kept on reassuring him that there was no need for him to worry.

″It was nothing against how much giving birth hurts. And it was absolutely worth it,″ she smirked and gave him a little, playful wink when she saw his concerned face.

″I'm sorry, I shouldn't have forced you and I should've kept myself under control better,″ he murmured, staring down to the floor.

″Hey babe,″ she almost whispered and closed the gap between them, cupped his cheek with her hand. ″You didn't force me to do anything. I wanted this, too. Because I missed this, you, us. And it was incredible. It was hot. It was what I _needed_. I think first post-baby sex always hurts somehow and I promise you, it only hurt a little and it's not that kind of pain that would keep me from doing it again on the bathroom floor right now,″ she chuckled slightly.

″Maybe we should first regain our energy and save round two for tomorrow night, huh?″ he asked back but fortunately a smile also returned to his face.

″Not a bad idea,″ she grinned. Standing on her tiptoes, she pressed a gentle kiss against his lips. ″I love you.″

Wrapping his arms around her body and burying his face in her wet hair that smelled of raspberry he murmured: ″I love you more...″

* * *

 **This chapter was kind of a jubilee-chapter for me as I posted my very first chapter of this story exactly one year ago! So time to say a huge THANK YOU for all the ongoing support, feedback, reviews, likes, favorites and messages over the past year! You guys are amazing and although I don't know whether I can keep this story up for another year, I can assure you that I have enough ideas to continue it for quite a while! :) And even if I ever run out of ideas for this one, I have enough ideas for new stories...if only I had more time to write two or three at the same time :D**

 **Anyway, please leave a review and tell me your thoughts about this chapter! The next one is called "Brothers" and you can look forward to a little bit of Jay-Will-Mouse-Bromance! :)**


	46. Brothers

**Thank y'all so much for your feedback on my last chapter, you guys are the best! I hope you enjoy this one as well :)**

 **Disclaimer: I still own nada.**

* * *

 **46\. Brothers**

The days of March passed as fast as the days of February had and time was literally flying by. Which had the positive side effect that slowly but steady the Chicagoans could hope that winter was gone for good and that spring would arrive step by step now. Although they all knew that mid March wasn't the time to already cheer that winter was over. But for that time of the year it was surprisingly sunny already and most days the sky was crystal blue and strolling through parks, along the lake or through downtown was a lot more fun than before since the temperatures also reached nicer, more enjoyable levels.

One evening Jay came home from work and found Erin and Emilia on the couch, with Erin making silly faces. When she turned her head to him, she smiled as bright as a kid on Christmas morning and told him that Emmy had really, purposely smiled at her for the very first time. With having a beaming smile on his own face as well, he joined her on the couch and the rest of the evening consisted of trying to get Emilia to smile at both of them. With success.

On another evening Hank volunteered to babysit, so they of course didn't say no and used their free evening to have dinner in a nice, little, Italian restaurant in the Loop, discussing about their honeymoon again, finally agreeing that they would want to go to whatever destination they would decide for as just the two of them for a couple of days before they would return to Chicago and then drive to Wisconsin as a family. In case Hank would agree to take care of Emilia for a week. On the one hand Erin liked the thought of spending time just with him and having a real honeymoon, on the other hand she didn't like the thought of leaving her baby for so long and maybe she would change her mind again and in the end Emilia would come with them anyway. This was an option she also told Jay about and he just grinned in response and said that they would do whatever she felt good with.

On the weekend, Saturday afternoon to be precise, they first went baby clothes shopping as most of Emilia's newborn clothes were a little tight by now, and only the ones that had been too big for her in the beginning still fit, just as everyone had predicted their baby was growing way too fast for their liking, and then ended their day with a stroll along the lake while watching the sun go down, discussing about some really interesting observations they'd made in the baby store earlier.

Their Sunday was then spent with lots of morning cuddles in their bed and a really lazy day in general that only consisted of enjoying their rare time as a family, whether it was with taking a stroll, cooking together, just watching Emmy sleeping or trying to entertain her somehow by showing her different toys, telling her stories or making silly faces. It was only when the evening arrived when a little dynamic got into their low day as Erin wanted to go to the theater with Kim for a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' night, consisting of the first film and the newly released second one, while Jay had invited Will and Mouse to watch the game and turn their living room into a man cave for once. Three men, sports on TV and a baby. Erin was sure this evening was going to be epic for them and she kinda toyed with the idea to install a camera just to have the opportunity to watch later how it all turned out.

″Hey Mouse,″ Erin greeted her fiancé's best friend and hugged him shortly after he'd knocked on their door.

″Hey Erin, how are you doing?″ he asked, giving her a shy smile, and followed her into the apartment, leaving his shoes and his jacket in the hallway.

″Couldn't be any better, what about you?″ she asked back while walking into the kitchen to put the bowls with nachos and haribos on the coffee table. Since Jay had taken a bath with Emilia and was currently dressing her in the nursery, she was the one in charge to organize all the little snacks.

″Just as fine,″ Mouse answered and sat down on the couch. ″Where's Jay?″

″Making Emmy ready for the night, so you guys can hopefully enjoy an undisturbed evening,″ she laughed. ″Do you want a beer?″

″Yes, please,″ Mouse nodded and a couple of seconds later Erin joined him on the couch, thrusting a bottle of beer into his hand.

″Here you go.″

″Thanks. And cheers,″ Mouse smirked, clinking his bottle with Erin's glass of water before taking a gulp.

″So...,″ Erin started after also taking a sip from her water and placed her glass back on the coffee table. There was one thing she was beyond curious about and she really needed to ask him about by now. One thing she hasn't exactly forgotten about during the last few weeks since Emilia was born but during the rare times she had seen him, the moment had never been right. There had always been someone with them who wasn't supposed to hear about it since she'd promised to keep it a secret. But now, with Jay being in the nursery, she had to take the chance. Although she didn't know whether Jay maybe even knew about it by now. They had never talked about it, because she'd made a promise, and she didn't know whether Mouse had ever told Jay about it in the bullpen. She'd only figured Mouse rather hadn't because otherwise Jay would most probably know about her being his partner in crime and would've talked with her about it, about her pulling the strings in the background. But since he hasn't approached her about it thus far, she assumed Mouse's lovelife was still supposed to be kept on the down low.

″I know I'm a real bad friend for only asking this now but I hope you forgive me as my life was a tad bit crazy these last few weeks...but that doesn't mean I've not been curious,″ Erin apologized rambling, grinning mischievously. ″How did your date with Sarah go? You know...the one you asked me about in Molly's a couple of days before Emmy was born.″

″Uhm...,″ Mouse hemmed and hawed, his cheeks turning into a slight reddish color, his eyes fixating on the beer bottle in his hands. ″It was...good,″ he mumbled under his breath and Erin was sure to see the slightest of smiles on his lips although he tried his best to not look at her.

″Good?″ Erin dug deeper. ″Come on Mouse, I'm your partner in crime here, you gotta give me more than that,″ she chuckled.

″What do you want to hear?″ he shrugged and lifted his head to look at her again, his cheeks still slightly blushed.

″I don't want all the details...but...I don't know...how did it go? Did she like it? Did you see each other again? Are you maybe even dating now? I mean it's been seven weeks now, right? So there must be some progress...or not?″ she asked, her voice turning a little uncertain as Mouse's facial expression stayed exactly the same. His pokerface for sure wasn't the worst.

″It was good. She liked it a lot and it was a perfect day and I will forever be thankful for all your tips and for forcing me to make a step into her direction. But other than that all I'm going to say is that...I might need a wedding invitation for me plus one...if possible,″ he said, biting his lip in an attempt to hide his bright smile but he failed completely. Maybe his pokerface wasn't as good as Erin thought.

″That shouldn't be a big deal,″ Erin grinned, giving him a little wink that signalised him that she'd understood him, was happy for him and would not ask him any more questions regarding his private life.

″Thanks,″ Mouse smiled. ″And really thanks, Erin. I'm almost sure without you things would be different now.″

″Whenever you need me,″ Erin winked. ″Does Jay know about it?″

″No,″ he answered and shook his head, giving her the cutest little smile yet again. ″So far you're the only one who knows about it. There hasn't been the right moment to tell him so far, so can you keep it a secret for a little while longer?″

″Of course,″ she nodded.

″Thanks, I really appreciate it,″ he smiled before he decided for a change of topic. ″When are you coming back to work though? The bullpen really misses you.″

″I really miss the bullpen as well and all of you dorks of course but...I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″Not for a while I think,″ she added pensively before they kept on talking about work, their colleagues and their current cases, which Erin was of course in the loop about as she was a regular guest in the 21st, for a little while longer until Jay and Emilia joined them. But the four of them weren't alone for long as Will arrived only a couple of minutes later. After a quick smalltalk with the man who was soon going to be her brother-in-law, and checking the time, Erin realized that she was already running late and that Kim was probably already impatiently waiting for her to pick her up.

″Have fun guys,″ Erin waved after giving both, Emilia and Jay, a kiss.

″You too,″ Will said before Erin left the three men and her daughter alone and closed the door from the outside.

″What are they going to watch again?″ Will asked his brother afterwards, sinking into the armchair next to the couch.

″First Fifty Shades Of Grey and then the new one, Fifty Shades Darker or something like this.″

″Uuugh,″ Will chuckled. ″Guess tonight is going to be great for you, huh?″ he teased him, a dorky grin covering his whole face and Mouse couldn't hide a laughter as well.

″Oh shut up,″ Jay laughed.

″Come on, don't say you didn't think about it. I mean, she'll learn a lot of...dirty...hot...stuff, won't she?″ Will also laughed and Jay only shook his head in response.

″He's blushing,″ Mouse stated matter-of-factly.

″Of course he is,″ Will chuckled. ″He knows what's in store for him ton...-″

″Stop it. Right now,″ Jay laughed. Up to a certain degree joking about it was fine but their boys night out was not supposed to be a discussion about his and Erin's sex life.

″Alright,″ Will grinned. ″Just know that we're really excited for you.″

″Yeah, thanks, so generous,″ Jay answered.

″I know I am, thanks,″ he smirked.

″I'd rather say it's jealousy talking, but whatsoever,″ Jay laughed, deciding that this was enough. Their evening hasn't even really started yet and they were already talking about that kind of stuff so who knew where this would end in general. ″Alright, change of topic right here: I ordered pizza, should be here in a bit. Do you want a beer? Wine? Long drink? Water?″

″Did you really suggest water? We're watching the Hawks game man,″ Will laughed.

″Okay, so beer for you,″ Jay grinned. ″Take her for a minute,″ he then said and handed Emilia to Will.

″Hey my favorite baby girl,″ Will smiled as Jay placed her in his arms but his smile kinda fell from his face when he saw what kind of onesie she was wearing.

″Oh come on Jay, really? The Cubs?! Was there really the need to dress her in a Cubbies outfit tonight?″ Will complained, making a distgusted face. Will has always been a Sox fan, like the whole Halstead family in fact. Except of Jay. He's been the rebel of the family in so many ways and so it wasn't that surprising that he's been a Cubs fan all the way along. Maybe in the beginning just because he'd wanted to be different than his family but he'd sticked with 'his' Cubs and became a real fanboy.

″Hey, who won the World Series?″ Jay asked from the kitchen and although Will couldn't see his face he knew only from the sound of his voice that there was a winning smile on it.

″Don't even remind me of this disaster,″ Will sighed. ″You grew up in Canaryville bro. It's a crime to cheer for the Cubs when you're a Canaryville-boy. It's like cheating on where you come from.″

″Don't dramatize it. Just because we won a title the Sox will never win,″ Jay laughed and joined them again, placing Will's beer on the coffee table.

″True that,″ Mouse agreed, bumping his fist with Jay's. His best friend was a Cubs fan as well and after returning from war and struggling with their lives, attending the games occasionally had been quite a welcome distraction.

″Admit it, you dressed her like this on purpose,″ Will said, still grimacing while eyeing the logo yet again.

″Maybe,″ Jay shrugged, smirking innocently at his older brother. Of course he had. It wouldn't be Jay if he hadn't.

″Emilia, you know what: I'm going to buy you a way cooler outfit, what do you think?″ Will asked the baby and tickled her stomach softly. ″Sox forever, right?″

″Don't waste your hardly earned money on an outfit she'll never wear,″ Jay laughed.

″She'll outgrow this one soon anyway,″ Will answered.

″No worries, she already has the next size in her closet,″ Jay grinned. Thanks to all their friends, who were Cubs fans as well, she would always have Cubs-clothes in the right size in her dresser.

″Emmy, don't listen to your daddy, you'll get one from your uncle Will anyway, I promise,″ he told the baby that stared at him with awake eyes. Emilia had a way to focus on people with her bright blue eyes, it was incredible. ″God, she's grown so much already.″

″Don't even mention it,″ Jay sighed, taking a gulp from his beer. ″Parts of us want her to stay small forever but then again we're pretty excited to see her changing and growing up. But...just not as fast.″

″Yeah, I understand,″ Will nodded. ″I guess you guys can go shopping every week now.″

″We actually were for the first time since she was born yesterday. At a really nice store Natalie told Erin about in the Zumba class on Monday,″ Jay said, giving his brother a meaningful glance that signalised Will that there was something they needed to talk about. Later, when they maybe were alone as Jay didn't want to expose his brother. ″They had lots of cute stuff and we already bought things for the summer,″ Jay added as he saw that Will didn't really know what to answer to this statement.

″I...I bet she'll look adorable wearing them,″ Will smiled, Emilia starting to get a little grumpy in her uncle's arm. Which was something he was quite thankful for as it was a welcome change of topic yet again. ″What's wrong little lady? You want to go back to daddy?″ he asked her and got up to give her back to Jay.

″Hey Emmy what's the deal?″ Jay whispered as soon as she was in his arms. He rocked her gently and then pressed her against his chest, tickling her neck and head a little or patting her back. Just as almost always when she was with him, she started to get calmer instantly. Daddy's girl without a doubt.

″Damn Jay, I still can't believe you're a father,″ Mouse said by this quite cute sight of Emilia comfortably resting on Jay's chest, her tiny fingers clawing into Jay's shirt while he traced circles onto her back to soothe her.

″It's crazy, right?″ Jay grinned, placing a short kiss on the top of Emmy's head.

″It is,″ Mouse answered pensively. ″I mean, a couple years back, have you thought that your life would look like this one day? That things turn out like this?″

″No,″ Jay said honestly, thinking back to the time after coming home from war, when he'd been at the darkest of places, not knowing how to go on. ″When I was able to see things a little more positive again, I maybe dreamed about it. Finding this special someone and settling down with her, maybe even start a family at some point. But it was just that: a dream. Especially after everything I went through I didn't think that good things would happen to me. And I was realistic enough to know that dreams coming true is a rare thing.″

″But sometimes they do,″ Mouse smirked.

″Yes, sometimes they do,″ Jay echoed, looking down to his little daughter smilingly. His dreams have come true indeed. They've more than just come true in fact. He'd found the love of his life, his partner for eternity and she'd blessed him with the greatest gift by making him a father. And in some short months he would be allowed to call this very special person, who'd let all of his dreams come true, his wife.

″You absolutely deserve that,″ Mouse said and clinked his bottle with Jay's and then with Will's. ″Cheers. To...the things we deserve...and a great evening.″

″Cheers,″ they echoed. While the cold liquid ran down his throat, Jay's mind was already one step further as there was another topic he really needed to adress by now. Something that had of course to do with the wedding, something that really fit into this moment as they've just had this kinda deep conversation, especially given the fact that this was supposed to be a goofy boys night out.

″So, as we're all in a really sentimental mood right now and have these meaningful conversations as it seems...″ Jay said after taking a gulp from his beer and chuckled slightly, ″there's another thing I need to talk about with you.″

A moment of silence occured as Will and Mouse just looked at him frowing, waiting for him to continue talking expectantly. But Jay's brain was still occupied with forming the best possible way to say this as he didn't one anyone to get hurt by his decision.

″Soooo?″ Will broke the silence and when Jay looked at him he saw the curiosity on his brother's face.

″Well,″ Jay sighed, ″as you know, I'm going to marry soon but yet I don't have a best man. Because making a decision had not been that easy but I finally made one. I really had to by now,″ he said and made another short pause, looking from Will to Mouse and back to Will.

″You both are two of the most important people in my life and I consider you both as my best friends, as my brothers. Will,″ he said and turned his head to him. ″You are just as much my best friend as Mouse is,″ he told him and looking at Mouse he said: ″And you are as much my brother as Will is. So you can imagine why it was quite hard for me to make a decision because I want you both to be my best men. But as this would maybe be a bit awkward I had to decide for one of you...and it's not that I chose one over the other, just that you know...but thanks to you, Mouse, I'm here today. You saved my life and dragged me home and I owe you so much. So I wanted to ask you whether you want to be my best man,″ he finally breathed out after rambling quite a lot, giving his best friend a weak smile but before the latter could answer, Jay looked at Will again, for a second being afraid to see deep disappointment on his face. But there was none. He just smiled approvingly.

″This is not a decision against you. It's just...without Mouse I wouldn't be where I am today,″ he said and it really sounded like he was apologizing.

″Hey Jay, this is the perfect decision. Without Mouse there would most probably be no wedding and I would most likely not have a brother anymore, so there's no one else to be your best man other than Mouse,″ Will smiled. ″I mean, you're going to do it Mouse, right?″

″Uhm...yeah, thanks Jay, I feel honored to be your best man. And by the things you said. But without _you_ I would not have been able to overcome my fears back then and...″ he said and his voice trailed off.

″Maybe not. But _you_ found a safe place when we needed one. When I wasn't able to walk you carried me there. There's no doubt in my mind that you saved my life that day.″

″Mhm,″ Mouse nodded mechanically. Talking about their time in Afghanistan was still hard for him, even harder than for Jay. While Jay had been able to close this chapter of his life, at least more or less, Mouse still struggled with these demons. This didn't mean that Jay has forgotten about this time when he had served for his country, because how could he ever? He still thought a lot about all of his comrades and all the soldiers that were still trying to bring peace to this country. He still had all the cruel pictures in his head from time to time, picuters of his fallen comrades and of dead kids. But he'd been able to move on, to find true happiness again, while Mouse was only in the phase of moving on right now.

″Thanks Jay,″ Mouse said again. ″Thanks for asking. This really means a lot,″ he said and a little smile returned to his face.

″Thanks for accepting and I hope it won't get too stressful,″ Jay winked.

″Just a question,″ Will interposed. ″I'm still allowed to organize the bachelor's party, right? Because I already have some mad ideas, so if you need help Mouse, don't hesitate to ask me,″ he laughed.

″No no no no no,″ Jay laughed. ″This is just a second reason why I chose Mouse. Because he's definitely the more reliable and reasonable of the two of you. So please buddy, abstain from taking _any_ advice from him.″

″We'll see,″ Mouse smirked mischievously. ″I think I will at least listen to his ideas.″

″Awesome,″ Jay answered and rolled his eyes, already sensing that his bachelor's party would become something really special, positive or negative remained to be seen. ″Just no strip clubs. And no Vegas.″

″This my friend,″ Mouse grinned, ″is out of your hands now.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their evening consisted of men jokes, of heated discussions about the game they watched and of entertaining Emmy when she was awake and needed attention, which she of course got from all three of them. Making silly faces was the easiest thing for them to do and talking in baby voices wasn't a big deal either. And shortly before the evening came to an end, Mouse used the chance and even told Jay and Will that he's been dating Sarah for almost two months though he didn't mention the small detail that Erin had been his partner in crime all the way along.

″So Mouse has a girlfriend,″ Will said after Mouse had left and only the two brothers were in the apartment, Jay already starting to clean up. ″I can't believe it.″

″I can't believe it took him so long. My accident was in August and that was when he first met her. And I can't believe he was able to keep it a secret. I mean, how did he do that?″ Jay chuckled and shook his head. He was absolutely delighted for his best friend and he hoped that Mouse's new happiness would help him to overcome all the issues regarding his past he still had.

″Still waters run deep,″ Will grinned. ″But honestly, you and Erin kept your relationship on the down low in the beginning either. I think it's a normal thing to do to not share it with everyone as long as it's nothing...serious.″

″Will, I kissed her in Molly's. In front of your eyes, in front of everyone's eyes. I wouldn't exactly say that this is keeping a relationship on the down low,″ Jay laughed.

″I remember that, believe me,″ Will also laughed, thinking back to the moment his little brother had simply kissed Erin in crowded Molly's and had left her a little stunned and speechless with this unexpected outburst of his feelings. ″But afterwards you kinda took things slow for a couple of weeks, didn't you?″ he asked and it almost sounded like he was asking for advice.

″Yeah maybe,″ Jay shrugged, ″because everything was still fragile, it was a new situation for both of us and it was new to us that we were actually allowed to date, that we were allowed to show PDA. We were used to keep any kind of tenderness behind doors, to keep our feelings to ourselves and enjoy them in private. So yeah, it took us a while until we really showed our relationship in public more often,″ Jay explained.

″Mhm,″ Will nodded thoughtfully.

″Soooo,″ Jay said, deciding that this was the perfect moment to address something else, and joined his older brother, who was sipping on his last beer, on the couch again. ″How long have you and Natalie been keeping your relationship on the down low already?″ He asked this question all casually and Will choked on his beer by these words, his eyes widening to an unimaginable size.

″Hey buddy, you good?″ he asked and patted his back as he was coughing hardly but inwardly he was smiling because this was the confirmation that his brother and Natalie have finally gotten their shit together.

″Yeah,″ Will mumbled somewhat breathlessly, letting out a long, last cough and clearing his throat. His cheeks were slightly red but Jay couldn't tell whether it was from almost suffocating or from being revealed to be in a secret relationship with his co-worker.

″You saw us in the baby store yesterday, right?″ Will asked when he was able to talk again.

″Yep,″ Jay nodded and couldn't hide a grin when he thought back to yesterday afternoon when he and Erin had seen Natalie and Will, who had been carrying Owen, in the baby store, looking for new toys for the toddler. When they had seen them laughing and talking with each other with literal heart-eyes and amorous smirks. When they had seen them sharing a kiss, apparently feeling safe that no one in the store knew them.

″A kid's looking good on you,″ Jay added smirkingly. ″You already looking like the father-figure here, I wonder: how long have you guys been secretly dating?″

″Uhm...″ Will stammered and grinned faintly. ″It happened around and after Owen's first birthday.″

″Wait...″ Jay said, furrowing a brow as he tried to put some dates in order in his head. ″Owen's birthday was before Emmy was born...″

″Yep,″ Will answered smirkingly.

″So you've also been dating her for more almost two months without telling me the tiniest little bit about it?″ he asked and his voice sounded like he couldn't believe it. And he really couldn't believe it. Both, his best friend and his brother, have been dating their girlfriends for around two months now and he'd been completely clueless about it all the time.

″Bascially,″ Will confirmed, laughing by his brother's shocked facial expression. ″Owen's birthday ended with a kiss but we've only been dating since the day after Valentine's, so it's a little over a month now. We decided to keep it just for us for now until we know whether it works because we don't want to be gossiped about in the hospital. And deciding not telling anyone really included everyone, sorry bro,″ he winked.

″What shocks me most is that I'm a detective and I didn't figure it out myself,″ Jay laughed, still shaking his head in disbelief.

″You're a sleep-deprived detective, maybe that's why.″

″Yeah, I think I go with that,″ he chuckled. ″But congrats Will, it was about time.″

″Tell me about it,″ Will grinned.

″So I guess things are going great?″ Jay dug deeper. Now that it was confirmed he wanted to know more, wanted to take part in his brother's new happiness, his new life as a partner and step-dad.

″They are,″ Will confirmed. ″I've never felt like this before. Being with her feels so unreal, like a dream and I just want to keep this feeling forever. I guess you know what I mean?″

″Absolutely,″ Jay grinned. ″It's the best feeling in the world to be with your soulmate. Don't mess this up.″

″I will give everything not to,″ Will said, a for him unknown determination flickering in his eyes. Not that kind of determination he had when he went against the rules or against his superiors but a determination that showed Jay that he would do everything to make this relationship a forever lasting one.

″I know,″ Jay nodded, grabbed his beer and clinked it with Will's. ″Here's to you and Natalie.″

″Thanks,″ Will smiled and took some gulps from his beer.

″Just one last question,″ Jay said when he placed his beer back on the coffee table.

″Oh come on, Jay, I already feel like being in interrogation,″ Will sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes.

″Well, you are, basically,″ Jay laughed. ″Erin and I will make the wedding invitations within the next few weeks...and the question is, will you and Natalie need seperate ones?″

Their wedding invitations, it was something they really needed to get done by now since the wedding was supposed to be in four short months. At least they had already made a guest list a couple of days ago and Natalie and the rest of the girls from Erin's new Zumba class, the ones she'd only known a little before from the rare times they met due to work but were only now becoming friends, were on it as well.

″We're going to make it public at some point within the next few weeks but for now we'll keep it for us. So if this was your way of asking whether you can tell Erin, the answer is no. I know you're a horrible liar but please Jay-″

″Hey bro,″ Jay laughed, holding his hands up in defence. ″Erin was in the store as well. And she saw it with her own eyes, sorry.″

″Damn it,″ Will laughed, clinked his bottle with Jay's yet again and emptied it with one long gulp to swallow these news down. "Then this has to stay between you and Erin and me and Natalie."

"Of course," Jay nodded, wondering whether they could keep their relationship a secret for as long as they wanted to. He and Erin had been there, at dating secretly and they were cops, usually good at working undercover but nonetheless Hank had found out about it somewhen, so he was kinda excited to see whether Natalie and Will were better at it.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin came back home half an hour after Will had left and found her fiancé sitting on the couch and zapping through the channels. His face lit up when she joined him on the couch, kissed him and then curled into his lap to be as close to him as possible.

″How was the film?″ he asked.

″It was good. None for the history books but entertaining nonetheless,″ she chuckled. ″How was your evening?″

″It was...interesting,″ Jay laughed, earning a questioning look from her. ″And it was a lot of fun. Emmy behaved perfectly and enjoyed the attention Mouse and Will gave her.″

″Yeah, I can imagine that. She's having a distinct attention-seeking. Especially from you. Or any other men. Which kind of worries me,″ Erin laughed.

″Yep, we have to work on that,″ he winked. ″She has to learn that she's not allowed to date before she's at least 25...or wait, make that 35.″

″35 sounds better,″ Erin grinned.

″Talking about dating...″ Jay started, ready to tell Erin the big news about his best friend who hadn't specifically said that his relationship status was supposed to stay a secret, that he wasn't allowed to tell Erin at least. ″Mouse might need a wedding invitation 'plus one'.″

″I know,″ Erin answered casually without even thinking about her answer.

″You know?″ Jay echoed incredulously and only now Erin recognized what she'd said. She lifted her head and looked up to him, gave him an innocent grin.

″Yeah, I know about Mouse and Sarah,″ she admitted and this time it was his face that showed a million question marks.

″How do you know about that?″ he asked, a mixture of shock and surprise reflecting from his face.

″Well, that's a longer story,″ Erin chuckled and started to tell him about meeting Mouse in the hospital after returning from Wisconsin, about forcing him to bring Sarah the roses he'd bought for her and ask her out, about being his partner in crime, about giving him advices about the perfect date outside of Molly's three days before Emmy was born. For a second time that night Jay couldn't believe what he was hearing, that Erin had been able to keep this a secret from him for so long without giving him the slightest indication that she was 'involved' in Mouse's lovelife, that she had never told him about it. But of course he also understood why she never told him but rather respected Mouse's wish to not tell anyone, not even Jay. Erin was damn good at keeping a secret for sure.

″I'm so happy for him,″ Jay said after Erin had ended telling her story.

″I know,″ Erin smiled and brushed her lips against his.

″I asked him to become my best man and he said yes. And Will's also okay with it.″

″See, you racked your brains for no reason,″ Erin winked.

″Yeah, you were right. Again,″ he admitted teeth-gnashingly.

″Surprised?″ she teased him.

″Uhm, I'm not obligated to answer that question, am I?″ he laughed.

″This answer is enough, thanks,″ she answered, giving him that kind of winning grin only she could give him before she snuggled against his chest again. For literally a second before Emmy's crying resounded from the bedroom. Erin got up from his lap and walked into the bedroom, Jay joining her a couple of seconds later.

″Hey sweetheart,″ Erin almost sang and leaned over the bassinet to untangle her from her blanket she was wrapped in and picked her up into her arms. ″What's up, huh?″ she whispered and pressed a kiss against the side of her head. She sat down on her side of the bed, leaned back against the dozen of cushions and settled her against her breast, Jay lying down on his side, his head propped up on his elbow and watching Emmy nurse which was one of his favorite things to do. Seeing this incredible bond between mother and daughter, seeing Emmy's face getting more and more satisfied and listening to her gulping down the milk.

″Earlier, the boys said once again how she looks completely like you,″ Jay said into the silence. Erin turned her head to him, ready to disagree but he didn't let her. ″And I have to agree with them. Every day she looks more like you and I didn't think this was even possible. Except of her eyes, they're turning into a light blue. Which gives me hope that she at least keeps my eye color,″ Jay laughed.

″She doesn't more and more look like me. She has your eyes and she definitely has your smile and her features are a perfect mix,″ Erin said, studying her daughter's face to figure out why everyone, literally everyone, told them that Emilia was Erin's mini-me.

″Nope, her features are all you and that smile is all you as well. I just wait for the dimples to show up one day,″ Jay chuckled.

″They won't because she has your smile,″ Erin disagreed again.

″Okay, how about we compare baby pics and check out how you looked as a baby and how I looked as a baby. Then we'll know whether she's more Jay or Erin,″ Jay suggested, still grinning widely as he really liked this idea, wondering why they'd never had this idea before, but it fell from his face when Erin looked at him, sadness suddenly reflecting from her eyes. She wished she could be that kind of mother to scroll through old photo albums and figure out whether her baby looked like her as a baby or more like Jay. But she couldn't.

″Jay, do you really think Bunny was that kind of photo-album-mom?″ she asked him with a voice that was almost a whisper and Jay's heart dropped to his knees, guilt and regret overcoming him, immediately knowing why he'd of course never mentioned it before. But driven by his excitement about this idea he'd literally forgotten to use his brain. Because in fact he of course knew that Bunny would not be that kind of mother who took many photos of her children and sticked them into some cute album with funny captions.

"Oh damn, I'm sorry," Jay said quietly and stroked her leg above her knee, his heart still aching for her. "I didn't think about it."

"No worries," she shrugged it off, giving him a weak smile before turning her gaze to her baby girl again. "It just makes me sad that we can't do stuff like that, that's all. Because I wish we could."

"I'm sure there are some...somewhere." Jay knew Bunny wasn't even anywhere near of getting the mother-of-the-year-award, but not taking a single pic of her daughter in all these years was something he couldn't believe. Or more like didn't want to believe because it made his heart ache for Erin even more.

"I'm sure there aren't. Maybe there's one the hospital staff made after I was born but that must be it. And I doubt she kept a photo of the biggest mistake of her life," Erin said and her voice was as bitter as she meant it. Now, with being a mother herself, she more than ever never wanted to have to deal with Bunny ever again.

"But," she added and looked at Jay again, her real smile returning to her face, "I'd love to see pictures of baby Jay to prove you that there's actually lots of Halstead in her genes."

"There won't be many similarities," Jay chuckled and got up to look for the baby album his mother had made, the album that documented his whole childhood like taking his first steps, eating his first pulp, going to school for the first time. It was exactly the kind of album he wanted to make for Emilia as well.

When he returned to the bedroom a couple of minutes later Emmy had finished nursing and was snuggling with Erin and so they started to scroll through his baby album, literally in the middle of the night, Erin seeing photos of him as a baby for the very first time. Watching these truly adorable photos, she realized that her fiancé has always been cute and good-looking but she also had to admit that despite of those big blue eyes and a little bit of this smile, Emilia and Jay didn't look as much alike as she thought they would and she had to accept the fact that it seemed like she had a little mini-me after all...

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed it and that these little bits of Linstead-fluff made up for not getting anything on the show at the moment! Please leave a review and tell me what you think, they're always appreciated! :)**


	47. Demons Of The Past

**Thank you once again for your feedback and sorry for the delay! I planned to update before I went on vacation last week but I just didn't find the time to edit it properly. Anyway, I think I'm now finally back to a weekly updating rhythm, so enjoy! :)  
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* * *

 **47\. Demons Of The Past**

″Hey guys,″ Erin grinned when she reached the top of the stairs that led into the bullpen, carrying Emilia's car seat in one hand and balanced two huge pizza boxes on her other hand. Earlier on this Friday morning of the 24th of March, Jay had texted her that it was a super low day in the bullpen and that they all needed a dose of Emilia, so of course Erin had assured him to pay them a visit, bringing them Deep Dish Pizza from Uno's for lunch on that occasion. She really missed her colleagues and she enjoyed the days when they had barely anything to do and she could visit them for an hour or two. Or when they were just following leads and she could even help them a little, tell them what she thought about certain things.

″Look at that, pizza and Emilia, our two favorite things, thanks Erin,″ Adam laughed and took the car seat with the 7-week-old baby while Kevin grabbed the pizza boxes and placed them on his desk.

″I hate you,″ Erin answered all dry and shook her head. Adam was for sure like another little brother, but one she'd never asked for.

″You don't,″ Adam smirked. ″Right, Ems, your mommy doesn't hate me?″

″Ems?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows.

″Yeah,″ Adam shrugged and placed the car seat on Erin's desk.

″Her name's Emilia and her only nickname is Emmy. No Ems or whatever else you might come up with in the future.″

″Linds, sometimes you're...″ he started to tease her again but didn't dare to finish his sentence as he sensed this would maybe not end well for him.

″Yeah?″ Erin asked, raising her eyebrows again, waiting for him to say something that would allow her to punch him. Not that she needed a reason for that anyway.

″Amazing,″ Jay interposed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

″Exactly what I wanted to say,″ Adam smirked innocently while all their other colleagues gathered around Emilia as well, each of them trying to get her attention just as always.

″Only sometimes?″ Erin asked Jay as she turned her head to him.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded and pressed a kiss against her temple before he murmured: ″All the other times you're beyond amazing and absolutely incredible.″

″Try not to slip on your trail of slime,″ Erin chuckled, raising her eyebrows playfully and Jay couldn't help but think that her eyebrow-game was strong today.

″Of course,″ he laughed.

″Good,″ she grinned. ″I still have the urgent desire to punch Ruzek by the way. And with punching I mean _really_ punching him.″

″Do it, I won't hold you back,″ Jay winked.

″I will. Somewhen. When the time's right. When he's not holding our daughter,″ Erin laughed as she watched Adam picking Emilia up from her car seat.

″Sometimes I wonder whether she feels like a zoo animal,″ Jay stated, also watching how the five men touched her tiny hands and made silly faces.

″There are five men standing around her acting like goofs and she's not crying so I think she really likes to get all the attention. Because I would cry, honestly.″

″I hope they will continue to gather around her when she's older, too. So no guy will ever come close to her when she's protected and surrounded by five cops all the time,″ Jay grinned mischievously.

″Poor girl,″ Erin chuckled. ″Five cops plus her dad. And not to forget her grandpa,″ she added and motioned her head to the door of Hank's office that swung open in this moment. Hank stepped out but remained in the doorway to watch his unit entertaining the baby. Seeing this it was hard to believe that they were supposed to be some of the most badass cops of Chicago.

″And her mother,″ Jay whispered and another laughter escaped from his lips.

″Yup,″ Erin grinned. ″Tough times ahead.″

″Hey kiddo, you have a moment for me?″ Hank called and all the others were so occupied with Emilia, they didn't even hear it.

″Sure,″ Erin nodded but also frowned a little as she couldn't think of something that required a private conversation.

After following him into his office, closing the door from the inside and taking a seat in the chair across him, she looked at him anticipatory, waiting that he would tell her what this was about.

″How's everything going?″ he asked.

″Still as good as last week,″ she answered, giving him a little smile. It wasn't like that they didn't see each other often. With Erin checking by and Hank babysitting they saw each other at least twice a week, sometimes even more often. And every time Hank asked her how things were going, whether there was something she wanted to talk about. Which she actually found really cute. He cared about her and wanted to make sure that everything was alright, especially since he knew how much she'd feared to become a mother before Emilia's birth.

″Glad to hear that,″ Hank smiled. ″She's growing so fast,″ he said, motioning his head to the scenes that happened outside of his office. Erin turned her head around only to see that now Antonio was the one who was holding her.

″She is,″ Erin nodded. ″She's already smiling so much and last weekend we had to buy new clothes. Some of her clothes that were way too big in the beginning still fit her but I guess we can say goodbye to them soon,″ she sighed.

″You now know why everyone kept telling you that time's flying once you have a child?″ he smirked.

″For sure. It feels like yesterday that I gave birth to her but it's already more than seven weeks. How can she already be seven weeks old and where is my tiny newborn going?″

″Every stage of her growing up will be special, Erin, not only her newborn stage,″ Hank said, the wisedom of a father talking.

″I know and I can't wait to see her growing up, to see what kind of person she becomes, to see her exploring the world around her more and more. And I can't wait until she sleeps through the night or only wakes up once. But part of me wants her to stay that tiny forever,″ she said pensively.

″Yeah, there's always two sides of the coin I guess,″ Hank answered.

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded. She didn't really want to talk about this too much as it was kinda hard for her to see how fast Emilia was growing and changing. ″But let's stop with this before I get too emotional. What's up?″

″Well, it's not really a topic change in this case,″ Hank said. ″I just wanted to know whether you've already thought about when you want come back to work.″

″Uhm...,″ Erin spluttered, searching for the right words. She has indeed thought about it already but maybe her answer wasn't the one Hank was expecting. ″Sort of...″ she shrugged.

″Okay,″ Hank said and it was obvious that he was waiting for her to tell him more about her plans.

″I...I can't...I can't already give her to someone else for a whole day, every day. Although I'm missing work a lot I'm not ready to let go yet and I think I will at least stay at home until she's three or four months old and then I will start with working part time. I'm sorry.″

″What are you apologizing for kiddo?″ Hank asked, giving her an encouraging smile. ″You don't have to let go of anything and I never expected you to come back to work fulltime already, neither did I expect you to start from nil to hundred. I was sure you would want to stay at home for a little while longer. But I had an idea that will maybe make it easier for you.″

″What idea?″ Erin frowned.

″Look, if you come back to work in May or June directly from maternity leave, I think it will be very hard for you to leave her with a nanny or at daycare three days a week. So I thought you could start coming back to the bullpen by mid April, after your birthday maybe, for two or three mornings a week to work the desk and Emilia can be with you. She still doesn't need that much attention that she will surely need in a couple of months so she can sleep in the break room and you're always there when she needs you. Then, maybe from May 1st, we have one morning that she spends at daycare or with a nanny and somewhen we add another morning that she spends not here with you either and Jay could only work until 2pm that one day a week while you will work the full day. And like this we'll play things out until you're at 50% or 60% or 75%. Depends on how much you want to work at all. What do you think?″

″Sounds great,″ Erin answered, smiling thankfully at her pseudo-father. She had never thought that this would be a possibility. But in fact it was what she had been doing in the last stages of her pregnancy and during the last weeks since Emilia's birth as well, always spending some time in the bullpen, although it's always only been two or three hours she spent at her workplace.

″Fine,″ Hank smirked. ″How much do you think you want to work again at some point?″

″50% sounds good, maybe 60. I don't think I want to work more than that for the next couple of months because I don't want Emilia to be raised by some nanny. But,″ she said as another thought crossed her mind, something that she'd completely forgotten about, ″this is only a temporary situation anyway, right? Because my time in Intelligence is limited and ends with our wedding, so all of this is highly hypothetical and I can only use the time until end of July to get used to work again and leave her with someone else but then things will be different anyway maybe because of my new job wheresoever.″

″Easy kiddo,″ Hank said instantly. ″I don't have any word from the Ivory Tower about their decision yet but for now you're in my unit and I did everything I could that it stays that way,″ he added, giving her a meaningful glance. Erin knew that he knew people with lots of influence or that he had something on almost every person that had more influence than himself. So of course she was still allowed to hope that things were going to turn out just fine.

″Yeah...but you never know,″ she shrugged, trying to keep her new upcoming hope as low as possible so the disappointment wouldn't be as big in case things didn't work out in the way they all dreamed of. Not wanting to think about it any further she changed the topic again as there was something else they still needed to discuss.

″So...uhm...Jay and I talked about our honeymoon the other day and we want to go to Wisconsin for a week, taking Emmy there for the first time. But before that we'd like to go to a beach resort on the Bahamas or to Paris for a couple of days as just the two of us...″ she said, still holding the big request, that came with this plan, back.

″Okay,″ Hank nodded. ″So I guess this means I'm going to spend one week with my granddaughter?″ he smirked.

″Maybe just five days but technically, yes,″ Erin confirmed, biting her lower lip with her teeth. She still wasn't 100% sure that this was a brilliant idea, how to feel about it and she was fighting a hard inner battle between taking Emilia with them or just going as the two of them. Not because she didn't trust Hank but because she felt bad leaving her daughter for so long.

″Does this...does this make us bad parents?″ she asked all quiet and couldn't even look him in the eyes. He couldn't believe why she still doubted herself when she was doing an extraordinary job as a mother but of course he _understood_.

″Erin, look at me,″ Hank said and his voice was exceptional soft and he only continued talking when her hazel-green eyes met his. ″You're a great mother and Jay is a great father and the two of you are playing the parents-game really well. And this doesn't make you bad parents because a honeymoon is a honeymoon, it's something special, so I can understand your intentions why you want to go there all alone. In the end you have to do what you feel good with, you have to decide for the option that makes your honeymoon most enjoyable for you. Whether this is with Emilia or without her is something no one can tell you, neither me nor Jay. You have to listen to your heart and then make a decision based on what your heart tells you, based on what you think is best for yourself. And whatever you come up with, I'll be there and back this decision up and will either drive the three of you to the airport or wave the two of you goodbye with Emilia.″

Erin needed a moment to process all of his words and realized once again how thankful she was to call Hank her father. But this didn't change the fact that she still didn't know what to do.

″I'm torn,″ she admitted after a moment of silence.

″I know,″ Hank nodded.

″I have the feeling no matter how I decide, it'll be wrong.″

″There's not such a thing as right or wrong here, Erin. Take a little more time to think about it and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself. And I'm just saying, things like Skype and FaceTime exist for a reason and five to seven days are as short as that you'll be back before you can even blink,″ he said and gave her yet another encouraging smile.

″Yeah, they do,″ she answered and also managed to smile faintly. ″Thank you for this, for being there. It means a lot.″

″Always, Erin. And now let me save my granddaughter from these goofs,″ he chuckled and got up from his chair to join the rest of his unit, literally kidnapping Emilia from Kevin so she could rest in his arms now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Over the weekend, Erin felt a little better with their decision of going on honeymoon without their daughter but when Jay said that he was about to book flights and a hotel, not telling her where they would go as he wanted the destination to be a surprise for her, she begged him to book the flights including a baby, just in case she would change her mind again. Jay only grinned at her like a Chesire Cat because of course he would've booked for the three of them even if she hadn't said anything. He knew his woman too well, knew that she was still struggling with her decision. And telling her exactly this, that he knew her and that he was just about to book for the three of them, she literally jumped into his arms after being a little speechless at first, buried her face in his chest and told him that this was one of many reasons why she loved him. This was her Jay, the man who seemed to know her better than she knew herself. It was beyond scary but at the same time, having this deep connection with someone was something so special and made her feel so loved that she had the feeling she was living on cloud nine.

Monday evening, after the Zumba class, Erin went to Molly's with Kim, Maggie, Sylvie, Natalie and Gabby for some drinks, or in her case for a fruit-juice cocktail without alcohol as she was still nursing, and as Jay had to work late on Thursday, she decided to take Emilia to Antonio's gym to at least try whether it worked or not. And thanks to Michelle, Al's daughter, who had just finished her boxing training when the Zumba class started, it all worked perfectly fine because she volunteered to babysit for an hour, so Erin didn't have to fear to not hear her daughter crying and at the same time there was someone who would entertain her in case she woke up.

It was after the class while she was joking around with Kim and Sylvie as they were trying to get their breathing under controll again and did some last exercises against sore muscles, when she saw Jay standing at the other end of the room, holding Emilia, and they were both looking at her, Jay obviously telling Emmy something like: ″There is mommy.″ Erin's smile grew big by the sight of the two of them and she skipped her exercises to join them instantly.

″What are you doing here?″ she grinned and pressed a kiss against his lips. ″Huh, what is daddy doing here, Emmy?″ she asked her 8-week-old daughter and stroked over her head.

″The tip we got was shit and it was just a waste of time. There was absolutely nothing in that warehouse and we were done after 15 minutes. So I decided to watch how this whole Zumba works. Looks like fun,″ he noticed.

″I didn't think I would ever say that but it is a lot of fun. And Cruz is great, really kicking our asses,″ she smirked.

″Yeah, I saw that,″ he nodded. ″Can we go home then?″

″Yeah, sure, just need to get my bag,″ Erin answered and scanned him for a moment. Only now she saw that something was obviously bothering him, that his facial expression was a little harsh. ″Is everything alright?″

″Uhm, yes, sure,″ Jay answered, maybe a little bit too fast.

″Okay,″ Erin frowned and walked away to get her bag.

After loading the stroller in the trunk of her car and settling Emilia in her car seat, Erin drove home with her car, Jay with his and Erin still couldn't help but think that not everything was alright. He was a horrible liar after all, especially in front of her but basically in front of almost everyone. There was something going on and she wanted to know what it was. She doubted it had to do with work. Maybe he was pissed because she went to the Zumba class and took Emmy there, too? But she'd texted him and told him she would go there with her and he'd answered that it was okay. They'd even talked about the possibility of this situation and he had always encouraged her to give it a try and simply do it the way Kim had suggested. Because he always supported her and didn't want her to give up on the things she liked to do.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Arriving at home, Erin disappeared in the bathroom to take a very needed shower while Jay brought Emilia to bed and when she joined him in the livingroom afterwards she still thought that the atmosphere was somehow tense.

″You want a beer?″ she asked him while she filled her glass with tab water.

″Yeah, why not,″ he answered from the couch where she joined him a moment later. He took the beer and only gave her a short glance before he turned his attention to the TV again. Erin didn't know what to say and also failed in interpreting his behavior so she focused on the flickering of the screen as well, sipping on her glass from time to time. Eventually she would ask him again, at least before going to bed because they'd agreed to never go to bed angry or with something standing in between them, but right now she tried to figure out why he'd lied to her when no later than now it was absolutely obvious that there was something that was definitely not alright. Something that had apparently to do with her and was bothering him.

″Soooo...,″ he somewhen broke the silence, turning his gaze to her. ″Michelle is taking care of Emilia now, too?″

″She did today, yeah. She volunteered to keep an eye on her and to tell me in case she starts to get unsettled. Why?″ Erin frowned.

″Do you think this is a good idea?″ he asked back, his fingertips trembling against the bottle he held in his hand.

″Uhm, she offered me her help and I was very thankful that she was there, so yeah,″ Erin shrugged, still trying to figure out what this was about, maybe sensing where this was leading to. But for now she kept her assumption back. Eventually they would get to that point anyway.

″So you think this _is_ a good idea?″ he asked again.

″As I just said, _yeah_ ,″ she answered and she failed in hiding a bugged undertone. ″Can you maybe just spit out whatever you're trying to spit out?″ she added and her voice came a little provoking.

″See, I don't think it is a good idea,″ he said, confirming Erin's assumption, finally stopping to dance around the crunchpoint.

″Why?″ she asked and once again her voice came snappishly.

″I don't think she's trustworthy.″

″She was great with her,″ Erin noticed. ″And she mostly just watched her sleeping and pushed the stroller back and forth.″

″I don't think she's a person who I want to be around our daughter.″

″Are you serious?″ she asked and looked at him like he was out of his mind. ″Jay, she's our friend's daughter. She's Al's daughter. She's a good kid.″

″She has a past,″ he stated and for the second time Erin couldn't believe what he was saying. Of course he was overprotective when it came to Emilia, she was too, but this was nothing but ridiculous and absolutely unlike him.

″So have I,″ she answered and her voice was rising in anger. ″We all have, don't we?″

″We do,″ he nodded, taking a deep breath. ″But she still has some of her old friends. Wrong friends.″

″She has changed. Al is doing a great job with her and so is Antonio. They gave her a chance and she's making the best out of it.″

″You don't get my point, Erin. She's an ex-juvie and I don't feel comfortable with her taking care of my child.″ he said and now his voice was also slightly furious.

Erin felt something dropping inside of her by these words. Maybe even something breaking a little. And maybe she was _completely_ overreacting, most likely she was, but out of nowhere a lump built up in her throat and it took her some effort to swallow it down as she interpreted his words in a complete different way. And they unfortunately triggered something inside of her. Something that has been pushed to the very last corner for a while now.

″This is actually funny,″ she choked and even managed to chuckle sardonically. ″Because I'm more or less an ex-drug-addict or ex-junkie, however you wanna call it, who only didn't end up in juvie thanks to Hank, so you don't feel comfortable with me taking care of _your_ daughter either?″ Her voice was faint, cracked. All the anger was gone and only hurt was left, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, tears she didn't want to let fall. Before they could indeed fall she got up and emerged towards the bedroom, not looking at him again.

″Erin,″ he said quietly. Gone was all the anger in his voice and it was instead super soft but still emphatic. ″I absolutely didn't mean it like _this_.″

″Didn't you?″ she asked disappointedly as she spun around again, a sardonic laughter escaping from her lips yet again.

″This is something completely different and you know that,″ he said and got up as well but she backed away when he came closer.

″Really Jay? Because I don't see a damn difference there. Ex-juvie, ex-drug-addict, it's all the same in the end. So if you don't want Michelle to take care of _your_ daughter, you actually don't want me to take care of her either,″ she shrugged defeated.

″Er-″

″Just leave me alone,″ she choked and disappeared in the bedroom. She lay down on her side of the bed, curled into a ball, pulled the blanket over her whole body and cried silently. She blamed it on the postnatal hormones once again that she was still this sensitive regarding literally everything. Her normal self, the Erin from a year ago, would never have freaked out about something like this. Never. But now these words hurt endlessly, in a way she had never expected they would. She hated being like this, so sensitive, because it showed how vulnerable she was deep down inside. And this was still something that didn't come easy for her. Showing others her vulnerability. She's come a long way and when there was one person who she allowed to see her being all vulnerable, it was Jay. He'd seen her in this state quite some times by now and had always just been there for her, giving her the comfort she needed so much. But today this vulnerability broke through because of something he'd said and this was something that usually never happened. So how should he make her feel better today when he was the reason she felt bad in first place?

Jay gave her a couple of minutes but it didn't take long and he was by her side again, whispering her name and apologies. Erin tried to ignore him, to push him away but he stayed adament and as much as she tried to ignore his words, she couldn't. He sounded absolutely rueful and she knew he felt bad for the things that had slipped from his mouth. It didn't happen often but sometimes he also spoke out things before thinking about them, before thinking which effect they maybe had on others. Or maybe he simply hadn't thought that these words would have such an effect on her. He'd been overprotective over their daughter, which was _exactly_ how she wanted him to be, and she herself was just as overprotective, but this time he's gone a little too far. Had hurt her with his words although she _knew_ this hadn't been his intention. Not at all. But still, these words were the reason that something in her felt a little cracked now, that she was about to call certain things into question again now. Her ability to be a mother, the thoughts that someone like her shouldn't be a mother. She couldn't redeem her past, she would always be the ex-drug-addict, the ex-streetkid, the girl with the rough past and exactly this past would forever catch up on her or even outrun her at some points and collide with her current life and happiness.

″Er,″ he whispered again, ″please listen to me.″

Different than the other twenty times he'd already said that she turned around this time and pulled the blanket down so she could look at him. A couple months back she would've stomped out of the apartment no later than now, even earlier most likely, clearing her head someplace else, but her runaway-like behaviour has faded to a point where she could stay and face upcoming problems. At least most of them.

″I always listen to you,″ she whispered, wiping her tears away with her hands.

″Today you shouldn't have,″ he said quietly, his piercing blue eyes never leaving hers. ″I'm sorry for the things I said. It wasn't my intention to hurt you and I didn't think about it. To be honest, I totally forgot about it, Er. Because for me you're _not_ the ex-drug-addict, the ex criminal streetkid. In no way. For me you're the _best_ mother _our_ daughter could wish for, a badass cop, a woman who gives all her heart for everyone. For me you're my _life_ , Er, the love of my life, the one person I don't wanna be without ever again. I don't see you as the person you were once. I see you as the incredible person you are every single day now, the person that makes me as happy as no one ever has before. Not even close.″

Erin inhaled a deep breath. This was the Jay she knew. The Jay who talked with her all calm, the Jay who always said the things she needed to hear, the Jay who thought about his words advisedly and could always make her feel better and comfort her. And even today his words had this effect. To heal her somehow, to bring these little, broken pieces inside of her back together again. The words that made her _believe_ him. And she only had to look him in the eyes so see how much he hated himself right now for the things he'd blurted out. That he regretted it more than anything and just wanted to undo it.

″Maybe I freaked out a little too much about it,″ Erin admitted quietly because she knew she had. ″I understand where you're coming from, that you just want to protect Emmy. But Michelle-″

″Erin, this is not about Michelle now,″ Jay said, still not taking his eyes away from hers. ″This is about what the things I said did to you. I want you to know that I didn't mean it like this, okay? This was in _no way_ related to you.″

″I know that Jay. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we...lose ourselves and say things without thinking about the effect they have on others. I've done it before and now you did it,″ she shrugged.

″This is no excuse. I wish I could take it back but as I said, I totally forgot about it,″ he said and once again Erin could see in his face how bad he felt. He hated to see her being hurt and this time it was his very own fault.

″This is on me, too, because I overreacted somehow. It's just...you know...," she shrugged, looking at him and knowing he understood without her speaking it out that the demons of her past were still dancing around her, influencing her, although they weren't as present anymore most times. "But you saved yourself pretty nice with the things you just said."

″And I meant it, Er. You are the most amazing mother. Never let _anyone_ tell you different,″ he said and brushed a strand out of her face before he leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.

″Our daughter is a lucky girl, because she also has the most amazing father. Although he's an idiot sometimes," she said and smiled faintly.

″Guilty as charged,″ he chuckled and pulled her into his embrace. Erin snuggled as close to his body as she could, holding him tightly and feeling how the last little broken pieces got back together while she was lying in his strong arms, inhaling his unique scent.

″Erin,″ he somewhen whispered into the silence.

″Huh?″

″I'm sorry about Michelle. I went too far and overreacted,″ he sighed. ″It was just...I knew that Al still has trouble with her sometimes because of her old friends and then I saw her with Emmy and was just like: why on earth is she taking care of her?!″

″Jay, I get it. But it's not like that I let her take care of Emmy for hours, let her go outside with her. She offered her help and I was very thankful she did. She could've gone home or she could've gone to see her friends she rather shouldn't see, but instead she sacrificed her free time to stay at the gym and take care of Emmy. She's that kind of girl that deserves to get a chance because she's not a bad kid. She just had too much stuff to deal with already and took the wrong way and only now she has people in her life who are leading her into the right direction.″

″Yeah,″ Jay only nodded in response, realizing how right she was and feeling even worse because he'd overreacted so much, felt bad because he'd doubted the reliability of one of their best friends's daughter. ″I guess I really fell for the prejudices in this case.″

″You're just one overprotective daddy and this is exactly why I love you. This is how I want you to be. But yeah, this was ridiculous and you out of all people should know it better than judging people because of their past," she whispered towards the end.

″I do know this, Er. I think I just saw red...somehow. I saw her with Emmy and all I could think about is that she's an ex-juvie, that she's still in contact with the wrong people sometimes, that she could have a bad influence and that she's not trustworthy.″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded, getting his point as well. ″But I do trust her, Jay. She's really sweet and as I said, she's on the right way. Sometimes it's the right and best thing to do to give people a chance so they can prove they've changed. I know I said that before but people gave me chances and I took them and I don't think anyone regrets it.″

″Yeah, you're right," he nodded pensively. "And sometimes you simply need Erin Lindsay to open your eyes. I'm sorry for all of this.″

″I'd call it: sometimes you simply need Erin Lindsay to tell you that you're an idiot,″ she answered and a soft chuckle escaped from her lips.

″Won't fight you on this one for once,″ Jay grinned, kissing her hair, his tense body relaxing slowly.

″A fault confessed is half redressed,″ she teased him before silent cries signalised them that Emilia was awake now, too and wanted to join the party.

″I'll get her,″ Jay said and got up to pick his daughter up into his arms. ″What's wrong Minnie?″ he whispered against her head and placed a kiss there but as almost always she stopped crying as soon as she had Jay's full attention.

″She's such a daddy's girl,″ Erin grinned. ″I swear if I had picked her up she would still cry.″

″Is your mommy maybe a little jealous Emilia? Because I'd say so,″ he chuckled and lay down on his side of the bed again, giving Emilia some tummy time by letting her rest on his chest respectively stomach.

″Well, I can understand why she's a daddy's girl though,″ Erin smirked, getting closer to Jay and stroking over her daughter's fuzzy brown hair that has grown a little longer already. ″She's so alert and active already. And just look at those eyes,″ she added smilingly, staring into Emilia's perfect little face with the deep blue eyes, that were definitely becoming a little lighter and were changing from dark blue to light blue, the long lashes on her eyelids, her tiny nose and her perfectly formed lips.

″She's absolutely perfect and way too adorable,″ Jay smiled and changed his position, let Emmy rest against his slightly bent legs so he could stare at her as well, giving her his finger so she could wrap her hand around it. But instead of being really interested in her daddy's finger, Emilia kept on staring at her parents and flashed them the cutest smile.

″I guess someone is really happy right now, huh?″ Erin grinned and stroked her tummy, tickled it in the softest way.

″God this smile is killing me,″ Jay sighed. ″Yes little lady, you're soooo adorable and your smile is too much for me,″ he told her with a baby-voice and made some silly faces.

″She's already smiling longer now and she never smiled in the middle of the night before,″ she noticed before she chuckled slightly. ″We're totally turning into this kind of crazy parents.″

″What kind of crazy parents?″ he frowned.

″Those parents that are super excited about everything their child does and find amazement in every small milestone and find literally every little thing so super adorable.″

″Er, look at her. How can you not find everything she does super adorable?″ Jay laughed. ″I like being a crazy parent.″

″I guess me too,″ she grinned and snuggled closer onto Jay's shoulder while they enjoyed some more minutes of this peaceful family bonding. But it didn't take long and Emilia started to get grumpy, so Jay took her to the kitchen to make her a bottle. He joined Erin in the bedroom again for feeding her and while sucking on the bottle their baby girl drifted back to sleep.

Erin still leaned against Jay's shoulder as they both peered down to see how she struggled to keep her eyes open and it was in this moment when Erin wondered how she could ever have lived without this little person, how she could have functioned without her. Because this life now was absolutely everything. Emilia was absolutely everything. She, together with Jay of course, were the reason of her current happiness. Before having their baby she hadn't known what she's been missing but it was exactly this. Her own family. Her own child that completed her and made her a different person. A better person.

Before Erin's eyes fell shut a little later as well, she felt at peace with herself again. At least she thought so. Because at this point she didn't know how sensible and fragile she was now and how soon and how easy all these little pieces that had broken inside of her but had then been fixed again instantly thanks to Jay's words, their conversation and their cuddling time with Emilia, could and would shatter again...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After a stroll in the morning sun and a visit to the grocery store, Erin returned to their block around noon on the following day. The weather was surprisingly pleasant given the fact that it was only the 31st of March, which in previous years had often been a date they still had snowstorms, and she tried to spend as much time outside as possible, especially when the sun was shining. The fresh air was good for Emilia and it has become their routine to go at least for a stroll once a day, sometimes even twice.

She was already in front of their apartment building, searching for her keys in the depths of the diaper bag when a familar voice suddenly called her name from across the street. A voice she's always hoped she didn't have to hear again. A voice that let her freeze in her movement, let her heart drop to her knees somehow and brought back memories. So many memories.

″Erin!″

By the sound of this voice Erin had the feeling to fall down. Endlessly and with nothing to hold onto. Like in a nightmare. When you keep falling into the darkness and wait for hitting the ground. In addition she felt her stomach turn a little as she had the feeling that someone has punched her in the gut. She was unable to believe that this was true.

Why? Why now? Why at all? This had to be a friggin' nightmare and she wished she would just wake up. There was no way that this was happening, that this person was back in her life. One of the last persons she wanted to meet again. And there was no way she would let this person, who had destroyed so much, back into her life.

So she ignored it and kept on looking for her keys desperately as she just wanted to disappear inside the house, inside these safe walls of their apartment as fast as possible when the penetrating voice of the person she never wanted to see again for the rest of her life shrilled from across the street again, when she knew she had to face it anyway, that there was no way out.

″Erin!″

It was in that moment, when she heard the voice, that sent chills down her spine and let some of her worst memories revive, once more, that she wondered whether the demons of her past would _ever_ stop catching up on her...

* * *

 **I know some people were waiting for a bit of drama but I first wanted to give them a little break and enjoy their family before things get rough again, so thanks for your patience :D I wrote this chapter a while ago already (actually before the previous one, but then I decided I needed to fill some holes first), so I also sensed it's time for bursting the bubble of everything being sunshine and roses ;)**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Maybe you already have an idea which demon makes an appearance here!**


	48. Somebody That I Used To Know

**Thank y'all for your feedback on my last chapter, I really appreciate it and reading your kind words always makes my days! So here comes chapter 48 and the reveal of the demon of the past that is making a comeback here. Some of you guessed it right.**

* * *

 **48\. Somebody That I Used To Know**

″Erin,″ the voice that gave her a headache shrilled from across the street for the third time. Slowly, as if she was scared of what she would see, maybe still hoping it was someone else although she knew very well it wasn't, Erin turned her head around to face the woman who used to be her mother and who she hasn't seen in more than a year. Maybe Erin had expected her to look completely drugged out, high, drunk, homeless or whatever else but surprisingly she looked like always, not especially bad or like a junkie, and from the distance she couldn't tell whether she was sober or not.

Erin's facial expressions were as cold as ice and no single muscle in her face moved when she stared at the older woman with the wild blonde hair across the street. Looking at her mother she suddenly felt so empty and all the energy she usually had after taking a stroll in the sun was gone. The lightheartedness of the last weeks was gone. Her happiness was somehow gone. Instead her heart was heavy and she felt limp, worn out. She's always felt bad in Bunny's company. That's why she'd run to her after Nadia's death. Because everyone else had wanted to make her feel better but Bunny had _wanted_ her to feel bad, had _wanted_ her to feel guilty and she had the ability to always make her feel bad, to feel like she wasn't worth anything. She'd allowed her to feel bad because she didn't care, because she was a bad person herself and seeing someone else suffering didn't bother her at all.

″Erin,″ Bunny called once again, smiling big this time and she started to cross the street. With every step she came closer Erin had the feeling she stepped right back into her life, unstoppable, determined. But she would do everything she could to not let that happen, would build up walls to protect herself. And of course to protect her daughter. In this moment she was more than glad that regardless the sun it was still as chilly so one could barely catch a glimpse at the baby that slept peacefully in the stroller and was so blissfully oblivious of the drama that was about to build up around her. She didn't want Bunny to see her daughter, her most precious treasure. She had to protect her, no matter what.

″Erin, honey,″ Bunny said with the sweetest of voices when she joined Erin and embraced her. Erin herself still didn't move and stood there like some stone. Her whole body was tense and her fingers were clawing around the handlebar of the stroller.

″Bunny,″ she managed to say after Bunny had ended the one-sided embrace.

″You're looking great,″ Bunny smiled brightly, scanning her from head to toes but Erin knew she looked anything but great. Maybe she had until a couple of minutes ago because even without make-up and although she was sleep-deprived she was still glowing thanks to the baby-bliss but this glow had definitely disappeared from her face the moment she'd heard her mother's voice calling for her.

″Mhm,″ she only shrugged in response, still trying to figure out whether Bunny was on something or not. And whether she came with good intentions or bad ones. While she couldn't answer the latter question, she was almost 100% sure that Bunny wasn't sober. There was something about her eyes that told her that she'd taken something. She wasn't exactly super high but she was definitely not sober either. And now thinking about it, Bunny actually never came with good intentions, so this question was answered quickly as well.

″You honestly do,″ Bunny assured her and only now her gaze fell at the stroller for the first time but she didn't look like she assumed that this was her grandkid. Erin was 100% sure that Bunny had seen the stroller before, she'd watched her walking down the street to her apartment building after all, but Bunny's acting has always been impressive. ″Oh honey did you lose your job or why are you playing nanny now?″

For the split of a second Erin could've sworn that there was a malicious grin flittering across Bunny's lips but within the next moment it was gone and she was back to her typical fascade.

″Uhm,″ Erin stumbled, weighing the options she had here. Bunny had furnished a fit occasion. She could simply go with it and lie about it, tell her that she was in fact taking care of someone else's child. But that meant that she would also confirm that she'd lost her job and Bunny would for sure notice it with satisfaction that she wasn't working for Hank Voight anymore, that he'd given up on her or something similar. She wanted to go with one part of the lie but for sure not with the other part that came with it.

″Erin honey, it's okay, you can tell me,″ Bunny purred and touched her arm supportingly but Erin shrinked back by her touch, almost as if it was burning her skin right through her jacket. Not to mention that she _hated_ nothing more than Bunny calling her honey. This woman had no right to give her a nickname, least of all honey, and yet she's said it three times within the last two minutes. ″It's not a bad thing that you lost your job.″

These words were enough for Erin, this faked voice, this faked smile, this faked compassion compared to this glimmer of reparation. There was no way she would allow her mother to think that she'd messed up her life once again when in fact she was happier and felt better than ever before.

″Actually I didn't lose my job, sorry to disappoint you,″ Erin said sarcastically, never breaking eye-contact with the woman that once had given birth to her, but yet she held back with telling Bunny that it was her baby. She could draw her own conlcusions now. And it was obvious that this was what she was doing, putting these pieces together into a different picture, one she hasn't thought of before, her face lighting up instantly.

″So this is your baby?″ she asked ecstatically and came closer to the stroller to catch a glimpse inside but Erin also made a step to the right to shield her baby from Bunny. ″Honey why didn't you tell me when you were pregnant and that I'm a grandmother now?″

″Because you're anything but my baby's grandmother,″ Erin answered dryly. She saw her mother's face dropping a little but yet she didn't give up that simple. Bunny was resistent. Like a parasite.

″Erin I'm your mother,″ she said incredulously, still trying to get a look at the baby but Erin didn't even think about leaving her spot.

″Yeah? Since when?″ she spat back, trying to keep her voice under control. ″Because as far as I'm concerned mothers don't abandon their kids and leave them alone in an apartment without functioning heaters and without warm water. They don't spend their money for drugs instead of buying food for their hungry kids. They don't tell their kids that they're their biggest mistake. They don't care more about themselves than they do about their children. They're not selfish bitches. They don't try to take adavantage of their daughters when they're in a vulnerable space, when they're lost in grief, do they?″

″Oh come on, don't say you didn't enjoy taking some pills and losing yourself in being high. That's you, that's always been you. And you came to me after all. You came to my bar back then, not vice versa. I only offered the pills to you, so don't blame me for the decisions you made because taking them or not was your decision, not mine. I helped you back then because I wanted to make things easier for you. I wanted to make you feel better because I couldn't see you being in pain, you feeling responsible and guilty to what happened to Nadia. I did what a good mother does, I helped my child dealing with a very dark chapter of her life. So please, let me see my grandchild, Erin. It's my right.″

″You don't have any rights here,″ Erin answered, still blocking the sight, protecting her daughter like a lioness, and her voice came as cold as never before but she also had some trouble to keep her act together as she felt her voice cracking because Bunny's words got right to her core. Because all of her words weren't exactly untrue, Bunny wasn't the only one to blame for everything that had happened after Nadia's death. Part of it had also been her very own fault because drowning her guilt and her grief in alcohol and running away from everything and everyone had seemed to be so much _easier_ and the pills had helped her to forget, had helped her to ignore her own feelings, to feel numb.

″Erin-″

″Stay away,″ she interrupted her, also interrupting her own disturbing thoughts, and pointed her index finger at her warningly as she made another attempt to come closer, to finally see the baby. ″Stay away from my baby,″ she repeated her words. Her voice was rising, her eyes sparkling furiously, angrily as she felt her heart beating unhealthy in her chest. Once again she saw something dropping in Bunny's face and the last small smile that had still been there left her features, replaced by that kind of face that told Erin that this wasn't going to end well, that Bunny was in attack mode now and would give her best to hurt Erin in any way possible. Erin tried to prepare herself for the words which were about slip from Bunny's lips but unfortunately this woman always had a way to get through her, no matter how much she tried to protect herself.

″So you got knocked up and play house now, congrats Erin,″ Bunny said snappishly and laughed villainously, the change in her character being more than obvious. Gone was the sweet mother who wanted 'the best' for her daughter, back was the bitch who loved to hurt her by telling her that she wasn't worth anything. ″I bet it's this detective's child. The one who always danced around you like a knight in shining armor and shot me death glares.″

Again there was this laugh that sent chills down Erin's spine in the most negative way and she wondered how much longer she could take this. She just wanted to disappear inside the apartment building but she couldn't move, felt like she was paralyzed, pinned down to her current spot only by Bunny's presence.

″But oh wait,″ Bunny then said, ″you can't maintain a relationship over a longer period of time but always screw things up and he always seemed like the kind of guy who wants to have something longterm and stable, wants to marry one day, have four kids and two dogs and live happily ever after, so you're definitely not the right girl for him. You're not good enough, worth enough for someone like him and this is maybe more the result of a one-night-stand with some random guy you've never seen again since he inseminated you.″

″This is actually, none of your damn business. This conversation is over,″ she finally said and changed her position so she could push the stroller inside the building, forgetting in the heat of the moment, as her head was all over the place, that she still hasn't found her keys. She didn't want to give Bunny the chance to say something else or to see Emilia but Bunny wouldn't be Bunny if she accepted things that easily.

″Oh come on Erin, don't get butthurt. We both know that you're not the kind of woman a guy wants to stick around with. That kind of woman a guy wants to have a child with.″

Erin tried her best to ignore her, to just keep walking towards the front door and not listening to the things she said but how could someone possibly overhear such words that were beyond nasty and painful and had the only purpose to hurt her. These words pulled at her heartstrings, not in a positive way but in the most cruel way.

Bunny didn't even think about leaving it there but kept on going. It was like she kept on beating her although she was already lying on the ground, covered in blood, unable to move.

″You're not the kind of woman who should have a child and we both know that as well. You're an ex-junkie and you always will be. Drugs and booze will always be your weakness. Because you're like me. Like mother like daughter, this saying exists for a reason. You don't even want this, having a child, being a mother, if you're being honest with yourself. So what can you even provide your child?″

There it was again, this sardonic, mean, brutal laughter that hurt in every inch of Erin's body. She usually had all the words, could win against everyone in a verbal fight but right now her mouth was so dry and her lips felt like they were stuck together with superglue. Everything around her was spinning and all of Bunny's words resounded in her head. Over and over and over again. Until she was able to break these thoughts and say something herself.

″I can tell you what I can provide my child, what you could never provide Teddy and me,″ she said, turning her head to her mother again and taking a deep breath to steady her voice before continuing. ″I can provide my child a safe home, with heated rooms and food whenever it's hungry. I can provide my child a carefree childhood, that kind of childhood it deserves. I can provide my child growing up in a peaceful environment without any violence. I can provide my child a family. I can provide my child love. Lots of love. This little person is the best thing that has ever happened to me, so don't you dare to tell me what I want when you have no fucking clue about my life. But thank you for being a bad mother all the way along, it only taught me how I never want to be and now you're just somebody that I used to know.″

With these words she turned around again and sent silent prayers that this conversation was over now. She couldn't do this any longer and she knew, if Bunny said just one more thing she would break down. She wasn't as strong as she pretended to be. And Bunny has always been good in sensing her vulnerability and as she couldn't take it really well to get in defense she didn't hold back to give Erin the death knell.

″You're not a better mother than I am and when you say I'm a bad mother then you're just as bad. You couldn't even take care of Nadia and you want to tell me you're better than me? I feel really sorry for my grandchild and I'm quite happy you don't allow me to meet it and to get to know her or him. Because if taking care of your child means you'll take care of it like you did of Nadia it will end up dead in a body bag in some morgue. Raped and murdered after going through hell because you failed. Just like you did with Nadia.″

This was it. Erin couldn't move and neither could she breathe, felt like Bunny has stabbed a knife right into her heart, was absolutely frozen as these words got to her core once more, but even much much deeper this time, as they resounded in her head, as the pictures of Nadia's dead body came up again, as there were suddenly pictures of her dead daughter in her head. Suddenly she realized that it was all silent around her except of her sobbing heavily, uncontrolledly. She looked around to recognize that she was all alone and Bunny was gone. Her whole body was shaking, she felt like she was losing control over herself, felt like she was suffocating and most definitely hyperventilating, her feet not being able to carry her weight any longer. She got down on her knees, her one hand still clawing into the handlebar of the stroller above her while she wrapped her other arm around her own waist somehow, as if she was in pain, trying to keep her shaking body together while she couldn't stop sobbing, no matter how hard she tried. Or maybe didn't try. She didn't have the power to fight against it as emptiness was surrounding her and as she kept drowning in her own tears.

She didn't know how long she's been sitting in front of the apartment building, how often the minute hand of her watch had circled while she's been crying her eyes out and trying to catch her breath, when a gentle touch on her shoulder let her startle and brought her somehow back to reality.

″Ms Lindsay, are you hurt? Did you have an accident?″ a concerned voice she couldn't allocate asked. She inhaled some deep breaths of air and wiped her tears away with her hands to clear her blurry view. It took a while until her vision was clear and she saw the worried face of their around-60-year-old neighbor Ms Lewis, who lived in the apartment underneath them, gazing at her.

″N...N...No,″ Erin stumbled and shook her head. She wanted to tell her that everything was alright but she couldn't. Because it was a lie and because she could barely speak anyway, her voice caught somewhere in her throat.

″Okay, and the baby is alright, too?″ Ms Lewis asked gently.

″Yeah,″ she answered, still inhaling and exhaling deeply to get control over herself again. She was embarrassed to let someone else, in this case her neighbor who only knew her as the tough cop, see her in this state of mind.

″How about getting up and going inside? It's getting chilly out here.″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded mechanically. She was thankful that the older lady didn't ask her whether she was alright, obviously respected her privacy, because anyone could see that she was far away from that.

″Okay, come on,″ she said and held her arm supportingly as Erin got up and started looking for her keys in the diaper bag frantically for the third time which was quite a challenge because her hands were still shaking just like if she was having withdrawals from drugs.

″I...I can't find my keys,″ Erin said desperately, this situation being enough that she was on the edge of another breakdown as she was emotionally and mentally exhausted and just wanted to hide in her bedroom under dozens of blankets and pillows to disconnect from reality.

″Do you mind if I take a look?″ Ms Lewis asked, touching Erin's arm again to give her some comfort and the latter only shook her head in response.

It only took Ms Lewis a couple of seconds to find Erin's key. Afterwards she guided her inside the building and into the elevator and was then the one to lock up the apartment for her, Erin meanwhile picking Emilia up from the stroller that was always parked in the hallway. Being anything but pleased that she had to leave her warm bed, Emilia started to scream instantly.

″Sssshh, Emmy, everything is alright,″ Erin soothed and pressed a kiss against the cap that kept Emilia's head warm. Her movement resembled the one of a robot and her whole body, especially her hands, were still shaking.

″Ms Lindsay is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?″ Ms Lewis asked as soon as they both were inside of the apartment.

″Uhm...no, thank you,″ Erin answered. She wanted to give the older woman a forced smile but she couldn't. ″And thank you for...″

″No problem,″ she smiled in return before she got serious again. ″Look, I don't know what happened and I don't want to know. But you seem to be really rattled, so how about you take care of your baby while I make you a calming tea and then I'll leave you alone.″

″I really appreciate it but I'm...,″ she started but she couldn't finish her sentence with fine. Because she wasn't. Not even close. She felt like her world was out of control, had broken into a million pieces. She felt broken. All the happiness was gone and she felt darkness was surrounding her. Darkness in form of all of Bunny's words, of all the pictures she's left behind in Erin's head. A very well-known darkness in fact.

″It's just a cup of tea and I think you could really need one. I promise I will go afterwards, okay?″

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. She was too tired, too powerless to argue about it, so accepting the offer was the easiest thing to do.

Without saying anything more, Erin left her neighbor alone in the living room and went to the nursery to check Emilia's diaper and undress her from her thick clothes. But all these things that had been so normal for her before suddenly felt like she was doing it wrong, especially with her cold and shaking hands. Changing a diaper and putting her clothes on again had never been a bigger challenge, not even at the first time. And it didn't help at all that Emmy didn't stop crying all the time. It became even more intense and increased Erin's doubts that everything she did was wrong.

″Sssshh Emmy, mommy is here, I've got you,″ she whispered after she'd picked her up and pressed against her chest and shoulder again, covering her little head with her hand.

Walking into the living room again with her mewling baby there was a mug with steaming tea waiting for her on the coffee table and her neighbor was already on the go.

″In case you need anything you can come downstairs anytime,″ Ms Lewis said, giving her another concerned glance, before she opened the door and left Erin and Emilia alone.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay reached for the bag of nourishments in the trunk of his car before he locked it and made his way up to their apartment. The unit had closed their current case in the afternoon and Hank had sent them all home early to enjoy some time with their families or follow their hobbies, so of course Jay was excited to spend some extra time with Erin and Emilia. Leaving the precinct at 4.30pm and coming home around 5.00pm was a rare thing when you worked in Intelligence and brought justice to the city every day.

On the way home he'd stopped by by the delicatessen store so he could cook Erin's favorite meal for her. Linguine with salmon. They haven't had this delicious dish for way too long now and as he still felt a little bad for the things that had slipped from his mouth last night he wanted to surprise her and maybe also apologize again. Although they'd worked things out pretty quick and everything seemed to be as normal as always again. He's always had trouble with forgiving himself after making a mistake, especially when he'd hurt someone who was important to him, and his regret was always following him for quite some time.

He opened the door of their apartment and stepped inside, put the bag with the groceries down to the floor so he could take his shoes and his jacket off. He'd expected Erin to join him with a surprised gaze, with a big grin on her face because they had more than their usual three hours together in the evening, but it stayed all silent. Since the stroller was outside in the hallway and her car was in the parking lot in front of their building he assumed she was sleeping as most nights were still tough.

Jay picked the grocery bag up again and put it on the kitchen counter and after frowning for a moment because there was a full cup of tea on the coffee table, he tiptoed into the direction of the bedroom, expecting to find his fiancée and his daughter sleeping all cute and all peaceful. But the picture he got instead let his heart drop to his knees instantly for various reasons.

Erin sat on their bed, her knees bent and pulled into her chest, her arms wrapped around them as if she was holding herself together, and she was staring at the sheets in front of her with empty eyes. Even from the distance he could see that they were red and tear-stained, silent tears running down her cheeks. It didn't seem like she even recognized how he stood in the doorway. To say she looked like a picture of a misery was an understatement and the only time Jay has seen her like this before was during her darkest days. After Nadia's death, when her world had been out of joint. His thoughts went from her having postpartum depressions to that something really bad, catastrophic, cruel, had happened. She's been a beam of light these last few weeks, always smiling and laughing, being undeniably happy, so he ruled the possibility of postpartum depressions out pretty quick and figured something must really have shaken her up.

″Erin,″ he said with the softest of voices, trying to hide the nervousness, but neither did she move nor did her eyes leave the spot they were focussing. Her behavior was scaring the shit out of him and his mind already assumed the worst, created unconceivable scenarios. Crossing the room to be by her side he took a glance into the bassinet and saw Emilia sleeping like an actual angel, her chest rising and falling steadily which let his heart beat a little healthier again. Their baby was fine and the possible tragedy had nothing to do with Emilia's well-being but of course he was still deeply concered by her demeanour.

″Erin,″ he whispered again and sat down right next to her, scanning her with his blue eyes that were beyond worried. Her reaction stayed the same, she didn't move, didn't look at him and Jay wondered whether she's even recognized him by now.

″Hey babe,″ he said quietly and placed his hand on her foot slowly, didn't want to startle her in case she really hasn't recognized him being there yet. Stroking over her foot with his thumb softly she finally turned her head to him, her facial expression not only being sad and dejected and doleful but completely devastated and broken. The glow was gone, the joy was gone, the happiness was gone, it almost seemed like the Erin of these past few months was gone. To a very, very dark place, only leaving her silhouette behind.

Naturally, the last thing he expected was that she would say something now but to his surprise she did, with a voice that came faint and somehow strange.

″Am I a bad mother, Jay?″

″W...what?″ Jay stumbled frowning and felt how his stomach turned a little, felt how guilt crawled up inside of his body. This was on him. Her looking completely disconnected from the world around her was his fault. Only his. Because with his stupid statement last evening she's started to doubt her motherhood skills again.

″Am I a bad mother?″ she asked again and this time her voice was already a little stronger.

″Erin, I already told you that I didn't mean it like this yester-″

″Am I a bad mother?″ she interrupted him, her voice rising. She inhaled a deep breath and Jay saw that it took her everything to not let any more tears fall, to keep herself more or less together.

″No, you're not! You're amazing!″ he called furiously before he added quietly, almost whispering: ″Erin you are the best mother Emilia could wish for and no one could do a better job than you!″

She turned her gaze away from him again, stared at the light blue sheets and shook her head.

″Anyone could do a better job and anyone would be a better mother and I shouldn't be one,″ she said and laughed sardonically before she got up and walked out of the room, leaving Jay back a little perplexedly. Something was going on here. And whatever it was, it didn't only have to do with the things that had happened last evening, that's what he knew no later than now. This was only part of a bigger picture and something else must've happened ever since he'd kissed her for goodbye in the morning. After needing a moment to think about the possibilities, the things that could've happened throughout the day when he had been at the bullpen, he got up, too and joined her in the living room, saw her standing in front of the open fridge.

″Erin what the hell is going on?″ he asked without beating around the bush and although his words were not as soft as they should've been, his voice definitely was soft and desperate, the deep worry all hearable. During the last hours she's obviously started to build up walls again, to retreat into her shell where she barely let anyone else in. So naturally she kept on staring inside the fridge, made it look like she was busy with looking for something, ignored him and his question.

″Erin please,″ he pleaded, closing the distance between them. He saw that she was holding onto the handle of the fridge frantically, that her knuckles were white already and her other hand was shaking, in fact her whole body. ″I just told you that you're the best mother. Which is the truth. But yet it doesn't seem like you believe me and you keep talking yourself down. For me it seems like you want me to tell you how bad you are. So what happened?″

″It doesn't matter,″ she answered and her voice was as shaky as she herself was.

″It does matter. Talk to me,″ he whispered, placing his hands on her shoulder blades supportingly. Erin shrinked back by his soft touch as if his hands were burning her, slammed the door of the fridge closed and walked some steps away from him, not daring to look him in the eyes.

″Don't,″ she whispered almost unhearable.

In this moment, and for the first time in months, Jay felt like she was really stepping away from him. All the progress she's made with always opening up to him and letting him in was gone and all the steps she'd taken into the right direction within these last few months she seemed to step backwards now. Suddenly he felt like she was slipping away from him, felt like he was losing her. Suddenly he saw the future he'd thought they have, the life he dreamed about, in jeopardy. Suddenly he saw the version of Erin in front of himself he'd he thought he would never have to see again...

* * *

 **I've more and more become someone who's better in writing all the fluff (I love to write happy Linstead, especially since the show doesn't give us any) but I hope this angsty stuff isn't too bad either (because things can't always be all great, right?)! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!  
**


	49. Like A Light In The Darkness

**Serious question: when the CPD writers are sitting in their nice little writer's room, collecting ideas for possible storylines, do they write them down and then discuss them all afterwards, going like: _"That's the most stupid one, let's do that!" -_? Because it damn sure feels like it *shakes her head until losing consciousness* (warning, if you haven't caught up to 4x17 yet, skip this little intro)!**

 **We all knew Linstead wouldn't stay happy all the time, we knew there would be bumps every once in a while because that's how TV shows run. Even the possibility of a break-up has always been in the back of my mind, because yeah, TV show, I get it.** **So my main problem is not that I'm super mad for the mess the CPD writers have created. But I'm just utterly disappointed how they treat their flagship couple (the couple with the most chemistry in the entire franchise imo).  
** **Since Jay moved in in 4x02 we didn't get one meaningful kiss (stakeout makeout doesn't count because they just did their job). We barely got ANY Linstead in 15 episodes. We never even got ONE damn domestic Linstead scene although it was teased during the summer and although we kept on asking for it over and over again. Actually, the first domestic Linstead scene since Jay moved in was Jay moving out. Yep, well played, CPD, that's EXACTLY what we wanted.  
** **We were never allowed to see truly happy Linstead this season other than in 4x02, when they were actually supposed to be the sun between the clouds all season, and now we're forced to watch things go downward. They didn't ever give us what we wanted and begged for and what we deserved but they are now giving us a unnecessary storyline/possible break-up nobody wants and needs. That's just what annoys me most and I'm so over it! So I decided to put watching CPD on hold for now as it brings me more disappointment than joy and that's not what a TV show should do to you. And in case Jay doesn't show up in front of her apartment rather soon (as in things will be fine before the season ends), telling her that he's sorry, that he shouldn't have left, that leaving her was stupid and that she's the only one he ever really wants to marry, I won't come back for S5 either.**

 **On another note: I might me wrong but shouldn't there be background checks before someone joins the Police academy or a unit like Intelligence? So I highly doubt that for 8 years, nobody knew Jay was legally married. That's just not possible from a logical point of view in my opinion and I see a massive plot hole there.**

 **Okay, this was more than I intended to write about this whole mess but I needed to get it off my chest. On a happier note: here comes chapter 49 and I hope you like the outcome of it!**

* * *

 **49\. Like A Light In The Darkness**

Jay needed a moment to shake his own disbelief off. This wasn't happening. She would not go back to be this version of herself again. The version of shutting down and cutting people out of her life, of cutting _him_ out of her life, dealing with everything on her own and burying her feelings deep inside the darkness that surrounded her. She's come too _far_. Way too far.

″Even if I have to tell you this a hundred thousand times until you believe me, you're not a bad mother. You never were and you'll never be,″ Jay said, out of his helplessness about this whole situation not knowing what else to say.

″Really Jay?″ she asked, laughing sarcastically yet again and turned around to him, tears running down her face again, endless pain and raw emotions surfacing.

″Yes, Erin, really. Why would you even think that? Why?″ he asked and now his voice broke in desperation.

″Because I'm a fucked up person Jay. A fucking ex-drug-addict that I'll forever be. Great role-model for our daughter, am I?″ she yelled, her words and the sound of her voice hurting in every single inch of Jay's body.

″Because my first intention after finding out I was pregnant was aborting my baby. Until I was 14 weeks I risked my baby's life every day because I didn't care. During my pregnancy I collapsed twice because I didn't take care of myself enough, didn't think about my baby first. Now she's here and instead of spending time with her at home I take her to the gym with me because I'm a selfish person who doesn't want to quit her workouts. Instead of coming home after the Zumba class to take care of my baby I go to Molly's with the girls because I like it and it's fun. I'm going back to work soon because I love and miss my job. I want to go on honeymoon without her. I always think about myself first, is that what mothers do? I couldn't take care of Nadia and got her killed and you want to tell me that I can take care of a baby and that I'm not a fucking bad mother?″

And just like this her yelling turned into an uncontrolled, hyperventilating sobbing and she broke down on her knees right in front of him. Seeing the woman he loved, the woman that was his life, breaking into a million pieces right in front of him, Jay fell onto his knees as well immediately, wrapped his arms around her fragile frame and pressed her head against his chest while he stroked over her hair and down her spine, holding her as close as possible. In the beginning she tried to resist, thrummed her fists against his chest while she cried heavily but she didn't have a chance against his strong arms and he didn't even think about letting her go, just kept on holding her and let her cry. Seconds turned into minutes but the sobs still didn't fade, maybe became even stronger.

Jay still had no clue what exactly had happened, what has brought her world in turmoil, but this was his least problem right now. Seeing her sobbing like this, seeing her being this out of control, this broken, he knew enough. Knew that her world's been shaken up in a cruel way. Knew that giving her time and being there for her was the only thing he could do in this very moment, the only thing he needed to do. No questions. Just holding her as long as she needed him to hold her, whispering ″I've got you″, ″I'm here″ and ″everything is going to be okay″ into her hair, his hand moving up and down her spine softly or his fingers tickling her neck gently to soothe her.

It took almost ten minutes until her sobbing slowly faded and her breathing steadied. Even though she slowly seemed to come back to her real self, Jay kept on holding her, waiting for her to pull back, showing him she didn't need him anymore. But except from her arms, that had been buried between his and her chest and she only now wrapped around his waist, she didn't move, kept her head resting on Jay's chest, listening to the beating of his heart, holding onto him frantically.

They stayed there, down on the floor, in between the dining table, the couch and the kitchen bar for another five minutes, absolute silence surrounding them, before Erin moved her head and looked up to him, _really_ looking into his eyes for the first time this evening. Behind all the pain that reflected from her hazel-green eyes he saw the glimmer of thankfulness breaking through. Their silent communication still worked and he knew she wasn't able to say anything yet and he would give her all the time she needed. This first step was enough for now.

He cupped her cheek with his hand and brushed his thumb over her lips. ″It's okay, take your time.″

Her answer was an almost imperceptible nod, still obvious enough for him to see, more of this deep gratitude appearing on her face, slowly but steady overshadowing the pain, the sadness, the despair. She buried her head in his chest again, which was her way of telling him that she just needed him to hold her for a little while longer, before Jay somewhen got up, pulled her up as well and guided her to the couch. He wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and went to the kitchen to bring her a glass of water and make her a tea.

In the same moment he placed the mug and the glass on the coffee table in front of her, Emilia's crying resounded in the living room and ended the moments of silence between them.

″I've got her,″ Jay said and disappeared in the bedroom only to appear back in the living room a couple of seconds later, their unsatisfiedly crying baby resting against his shoulder. Without saying another word he went to the kitchen, grabbed one of the prepared bottles with Erin's pumped milk from the fridge and put it into the microwave to heat it up properly.

″Hey baby girl, be patient, it's almost done,″ he whispered against her head, rubbing her back with his hand while his other arm was under her butt to hold her.

″Here you go,″ he said with the ring of the microwave, took the bottle and sat down on the couch next to Erin. He shifted Emilia down into his arm, dripped a drop of milk onto the back of his hand to check whether it was too hot before he finally gave Emilia what she's been waiting for.

″Are we satisfied now, princess?″ he grinned, watching her sucking on the bottle hungrily.

Holding onto the mug of tea in her hands, Erin watched Jay and Emilia interacting for a little while, felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes again. These two were her whole world. But they deserved better than her. Someone who could be the mother respectively wife they both deserved. Someone who really could be a mother, a wife, who could give them what they needed and wanted.

Without taking a sip she placed the mug back on the coffee table and closed a little bit of the distance between herself and Jay. Her hand embraced her daughter's tiny, in a thick sock covered foot and when Jay turned his attention away from Emilia to her, silent tears were running down her face again. Knowing very well that she'd realized him looking at her for a split second, he looked at his daughter again, showing Erin that he didn't want to push her to talk to him but that he was rather giving her the time she needed and waited for her patiently until she was ready to talk. Erin appreciated it, this attitude of him of always knowing when she needed time and wasn't in the mood of talking. She had only given him a thousand reasons to worry, had only left questionmarks behind and yet he hasn't asked her a single question since her breakdown. He's been so patient with her and she knew he was waiting for her to make the first step.

She kept on massaging Emilia's foot with her thumb while she was fighting with herself about telling him or not. She didn't want to relive this but yet, all the words still resounded in her head anyway. Although Jay holding her had helped tremendously her heart still ached. Although Jay had assured her that she was a great mother all the things that were left in her head were still all of Bunny's words why she was a bad mother.

But it wasn't fair to leave him in the dark. Today, on day where she has called everything into question more than ever before, he's been her rock, her safe haven again. Her one person. The one man on this planet who was understanding her better than anyone else, who knew her better than anyone else, who's always been there for her, even when she was yelling at him, and could comfort her in each and every situation just with his presence. When there was one person in her life she could tell about this painful encounter with her past it was him. And only him. Because he would _listen._ Because he would _understand._ Because he _deserved_ to know. Because there was this slight glimmer of hope inside of her that he could somehow make her feel better. Heal her.

Shortly before Emilia's bottle was empty, she took a deep breath, being more or less ready to share the happenings of the day with him.

″Bunny was here today,″ she broke the silence but although her voice was hoarse and faint and barely a whisper Jay turned his head to her by hearing the name Bunny instantly. It hit him like a streak of lightning. Suddenly it all made sense. She didn't even have to tell him more than that. The picture in his head formed already and he sensed to know what had happened. He had almost been sure before that her current state of mind had to do with her past, that her past had once again caught up on her. But somehow, in between them always talking about Camille and referring to her as her mother and Hank as her father, he'd forgotten that Bunny was still very much alive and very much her biological mother.

They'd only never known where she was ever since Erin had severed all ties with her after getting her badge back. The only info Erin'd gotten during all the time was that Bunny had messed up another marriage and was back on the hunt for husband number 100 and counting. But Erin had never had the wish to reunite with her, to look for her, had cancelled her from her life, always saying that Bunny would show up sooner or later anyway. Because this was her. When she was in trouble she remembered she had a daughter.

″What did she want?″ Jay asked quietly but at first Erin only shrugged her shoulders in response. They fell into silence again and Erin kept on staring at Emilia, more tears falling from her eyes. She loved this little human so much it was scaring her, but yet she wasn't enough. Wasn't good enough to raise her daughter. Good enough to take care of her. Good enough to be her mother when being her mother was all she wanted to be.

Erin took another deep breath, making a decision for herself in this very moment. She maybe wasn't a good mother but she definitely wasn't a runaway anymore. Talking has never been her asset but she knew it helped more than burying everything deep inside of herself and then run away from any confrontation. This wasn't her anymore, running away from her problems, running away when life got tough, not talking with anyone else about it. She could share it all with Jay because she trusted him. He would catch her before she could fall once again.

″She was waiting for me in front of the building...″ she started to tell him and this time she didn't stop talking again after the first sentence but kept on telling him the whole story, every single detail, Bunny's words and her own words, talked it all off her chest. More than once she had to swallow the lumps in her throat, had to inhale and exhale deeply or get her cracked voice back under control but she never stopped. With every word that escaped from her lips, Jay's stomach turned a little more and towards the end there was almost no color left in his face anymore, his features characterized by inconceivability. And anger. And hate. He's never liked Bunny but the way he felt about her now reached a complete new dimension. How could one person be this cruel and icecold? How could a mother want to destroy their own daughter like this? If he saw this disgusting person ever again he would surely throw a brick in her face. Well, maybe he wouldn't but he surely wanted to. And what was just as worse, he would've been there, could've protected her if he hadn't gone to the grocery store.

When she'd finished her monologue, when tears streamed down her face again he simply pulled her into his embrace. There was nothing he could say right now as this story has left him speechless. And he felt guilty. So damn guilty. For not being there earlier, for deciding to go to the delicatessen store rather than going home immediately. He could've avoided this, all of it, but instead she'd had to deal with it all alone. While he was buying salmon and all the other ingredients for their dinner Bunny had literally killed her with her words.

Erin snuggled closer into his embrace, one of his arms wrapped around her shoulder, Emilia still comfortably resting on his other arm while waves of guilt still overcame him, while his mind kept on revolving around the things she'd told him.

He knew Bunny's words had had the only purpose to hurt her, to break her and he could totally understand why they've shaken her world up. Everyone would break down when someone else told them these things. He didn't know what would happen to him if it was his father who talked with him like this, attacked him in such a cruel way, telling him that his mother's death was only his fault and that he was a bad father himself. Opposite to Erin he's never doubted whether he should and could be a father, so things would maybe be a little different for him. But for Erin, after doubting her ability to be a mother for so long and then settling into motherhood so easily, only hearing Bunny say she was a bad mother was enough to believe her mother, who didn't even really know her anymore, more than all the other people who constantly told her how great she was.

Of course Bunny's words had been absolutely distgusting and horrible and no one should ever be forced to hear something like this but yet he wondered why Erin gave her words so much credit. Why could Bunny tell her once she was a bad mother and she believed it when everyone else, he himself, Hank, Kim and all their other colleagues always paid her compliments by telling her what a great mother she was. And they hadn't only said it because they wanted to be nice but because it was the truth. Even Adam had told her in all honesty how great she was and Adam usually never wanted to be nice but always tried to tease her, to win against her.

Maybe it was because Bunny's words had confirmed all her feelings from the early stages of her pregnancy, when she had been insecure and scared and had thought she couldn't do this, but for months now everything has been smooth, despite some small struggles every first-time parents went through. She has never doubted her motherhood skills ever since Emilia was born. Because she loved to be a mother and it all came so naturally, like she's never done anything else.

And now she was on the best way to go down this path again, this path of thinking she was a bad mother and Jay knew in this moment he needed to give everything to prove her different. As soon and fast as possible. He wouldn't allow her to stay in this state of mind for so long.

″Erin,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair. ″You're not a bad mother. You are _not_ a bad mother,″ he said emphatically. She changed her position a little and looked up to him and saw raw emotions sparkling in his eyes.

″Bunny's only intention was to hurt you. Because you did what a great mother does: you protected your child from any harm, you protected Emmy from her because Bunny is evil and she was most likely on something. Instead of letting her take a look at her you accepted the possibility that she would maybe try to harm you, would try to hurt you.″

″Maybe I was a little too hard on her. Maybe she was sober. Maybe I...-″

″No Erin, this is not your fault. This is all Bunny and we both know it. You did the right thing,″ he assured her, placing his hand on hers and squeezing it gently.

Erin nodded mechanically. ″I just wanted to protect Emmy.″

″I know. That's one of the reasons why you're an amazing mother, Erin.″

″I just told you a hundred reasons why I'm not,″ she shrugged and moved away from him a little, pulled her hand back.

Jay looked at her and realized that it didn't make sense like this. He needed to change his strategy and try it differently. Make her believe him in another way than just with words. He just needed to find an idea how to do this.

″You know, I feel a little hand-cuffed here, because no matter what I say, it doesn't seem like you want to hear it. But I will tell you this for the rest of my life: You're the best, most loving mother and Emilia and I are very, very, very lucky to have you in our lives.″

″You deserve better,″ she murmured almost unhearable but Jay heard her words anyway. And they hurt. That she thought she was not good enough for him hurt him deeply.

He ignored her remark, acted like he hasn't heard it. At this point, this discussion was senseless. But thanks to her words he suddenly had an idea, more like a last, desperate attempt. He wasn't sure whether it would work in the way he imagined but it was worth a try.

″You know what, how about I prepare a bath for you? It'll maybe help you to take your mind off a little,″ he said and gave her a faint smile.

Erin looked back at him, saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes. He tried so hard to make her feel better and he would for the rest of this evening, more like forever if he had to. She still felt limp and worn out and the idea of taking a long bath wasn't the worst but rather pleasant.

″Yeah, why not,″ she shrugged but failed in giving him even the littlest of smiles.

″Alright,″ he said. ″Is this little lady allowed to join you? She still needs her bath today and I think she'd love to bathe with you.″

″Uhm...if you think that's a good idea,″ she answered, her deep insecurity being all obvious.

″I _do_ ,″ he nodded, letting out a long breath he'd held back because he hadn't been sure whether her answer would be yes, but what he was sure about was that Emmy would _help_ her in her very own way.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Lying in the warm water, surrounded by actual mountains of baby bath foam was the first time since meeting Bunny that Erin felt kinda relaxed and was able to push all of her words in the last corner of her brain. She soaked these moments with Emmy in and just tried to enjoy this little bit of bonding time with her baby girl who was comfortably resting on her chest, obviously enjoying this skin-to-skin time very much, as much as she did. Lost in thoughts, in memories from the last time she'd been in a tub with her, which had been the day of her birth, she stroked over her soft skin and her head, tickled her neck with the tips of her fingers, listened to her steady breathing, felt Emmy's tiny heart beating against her own and when she looked down again, her eyes were closed but the cutest little grin was still on her lips. And for the first time within these last few hours, the faintest of smiles formed on her lips for a brief moment.

″You having sweet dreams, huh?″ Erin whispered and kissed her head. ″You know, when I told Bunny that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, I meant it. I love you so much and I always thought you've made me a better person. And now...I don't know anymore.″

After finishing their bath, Jay was the one who made Emmy ready for the night while Erin slipped into some clothes as well. As Emmy was wide awake again he placed her down on the activity mat in the living room, showing her the different toys that were hanging above her.

″Look, this is a squirrel,″ he said, showing her the little stuffed squirrel, when Erin shuffled back into the room, her whole frame almost disappearing in Jay's favorite hoodie. But still, she looked better than before. Not as broken anymore. The bonding time with Emmy in the tub had been good for her, had had the effect he hoped it would have. Although it's only been one step into the right direction so far.

″Not so much into sleeping today, huh?″ Erin asked and sat down on the couch, looking over the backrest to watch them, her elbow propped up on it so she could rest her head in her palm.

″It's only 6.30pm, give her half an hour and she's tuckered out, right Emmy?″ he asked and tickled her belly softly.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″What are you doing with the laptop?″ she asked, motioning her head to the laptop that was on the floor right next to him.

″I need to show you something,″ he answered. ″You join me down here?″

″Yeah...″ she said and his face lit up only by her answer. She sat down right next to him, their backs resting against the back of the couch and Jay placed the laptop in his lap. For a moment Erin looked at her baby, how she kicked with her little feet and arms and seemed to really enjoy herself and her surroundings, staring at the hanging toys above her with her beautiful blue eyes. It was Jay's gentle touch as in grabbing for her hand that let her attention turn to him.

″I made something for you. And I want you to watch it and to listen to the things I say. Try to forget everything that happened today and just focus on the things you see and hear, okay?″

″Jay...-″

″Ssshhh,″ Jay said, silencing her by lying his index finger on her lips. ″Just watch and listen, no talking,″ he added and gave her a little smile before he pressed enter and the black screen disappeared, revealing a black-and-white photo of Erin hugging Noah, or better, Noah hugging Erin wholeheartedly.

″This is you. Back in November. When you were almost the only person who could bring a smile back on this little boy's face. You gave him a home and you were the person he needed in this moment. He felt save and comfortable with you, he trusted you. Because you gave him the love and comfort only a mother could've given him,″ Jay said, pressed enter again and the picture changed. It was another black-and-white photo of her, one he'd taken of her at the farthest point of Navy Pier, one hand resting on her big baby bump protectively, showing him the peace-sign with her other fingers.

″This is you. Forty weeks and three days pregnant. Out on a stroll and finally arriving at Navy Pier after walking along the Lakefront for hours when we tried to encourage labor and to walk Emmy out somehow because she preferred to stay inside of you. Because she felt safe inside of you. Because you did a hell of a job, so she wasn't exactly in a hurry.″

The picture disappeared again and another one appeared. One of her once again, but one she didn't know he'd taken. It was their hospital room and Erin was lying in the bed, connected to the CTG. It was taken from far away, maybe from the doorway, so her face contorted with pain wasn't visible.

″This is you. During your 16-hour labor. I took this photo after I came back from giving Hank an update outside. Although the pain was unbearable you did it all without drugs and I have honestly no idea how you did it and my respect for you is unreal. You were so determined to do this all natural because you didn't want Emmy to be born drugged out, because you were scared an epidural or any other drugs for pain relief could harm her,″ he said, squeezing her hand as he saw that her eyes were filling with tears again. Pressing enter, another photo came up, black-and-white again, like all of them, because he'd edited them like this for the slideshow he'd prepared while Erin had taken her bath. It was the first picture he'd taken after Emilia's birth, minutes after she'd entered the world, and the squishy new-born was resting on Erin's chest, her bright smile overshadowing her exhaustion, pure emotions sparkling from her eyes.

″This is you. Seeing and holding Emmy for the first time. The picture is a little blurry because although I took it a couple of minutes after her birth I was still completely overwhelmed by this moment, by this miracle and my hands were all shaky. Seeing you giving birth to her was the most impressing event of my life and thanks to you she arrived all safe and happy and healthy.″

The picture on the laptop changed again and was replaced by one of Erin sleeping on the couch, their newborn daughter dozing on her chest.

″This is you. During our second night at home. When she simply wouldn't settle and cried all night. I somewhen went to take a cold shower in the middle of the night that should help me to keep my eyes open and when I came back I found the two of you sleeping like this. My heart wanted to explode when I saw my two angels peacefully sleeping. She loves listening to your heartbeat and I guess that's what lulled her to sleep that night and it still does. Because it reminds her of the time in your belly, she felt safe in there and now hearing your heartbeat from outside still makes her feel safe.″

His fingers found the enter-key again and a picture of Erin nursing Emilia in their bedroom flashed up on the screen. She was leaning against some pillows, looking down to her daughter blissfully.

″This is you. Nursing our daughter. Something you'd been so afraid of because you always thought you don't know how to do it, that you couldn't do it. And then she was here and you just simply did it all so easily, like you've never done anything else before. And although your nipples are sometimes sore and sensitive now you still nurse her because it's the best for her, so you don't care that it's not always comfortable for you.″

Another click, another new picture. This time one from only a few days ago. One of Erin's and Emilia's faces, their cheeks resting on each other's and both of them smiling. It was Jay's favorite and the current background picture on his phone. He also wanted to print it and put it on his desk in the bullpen, next to the newborn portrait from the hospital which the professional photographer had taken.

″This is you. Last weekend. Beaming like the brightest star, being undeniably happy. And Emmy is happy, too. I tell you, she's already smiling so much because she's one happy baby. And not only is she happy, she's also lucky, because she has the very best mom and she knows it and that's why she's so happy.″

The next picture which showed up wasn't one of Erin or Emilia but one of Jay. Young Jay. Maybe from seven or so years ago. And it wasn't the Jay she knew. The young man in the picture looked sad and broken and upset, the deepest pain reflecting from his beautiful face, his eyes being empty and somehow colorless. She guessed she looked as miserable today as he did in this picture and her heart ached from only seeing him like this because she didn't get to see this of him too often and not in such an extreme way anyway. To be precise, she's _never_ seen him like _this_.

″This is me,″ Jay said after a moment of silence and now his voice was hoarse, driven by pure emotions. ″Before I met you.″ Erin lifted her gaze and looked at him and when she saw this raw vulnerability on his face she had the feeling that she could see right into his soul.

He pressed enter again and a collage of various pictures from the past three years appeared. A picture of them at Molly's from the time they'd just been friends, a selfie from their friends-times as well when they'd attended a Hawks game together, selfies and pictures from the last one-and-a-half years since they've been a couple. The Jay in these pics was the Jay she knew, the one with the boyish, mischievous, contagious smile and the all-time sparkling eyes.

″This is me after I met you,″ he said quietly and gave her a moment to look at all the pictures and when he continued to speak Erin was sure she's never heard his voice being this emotional and vulnerable before.

″I know I said that before but meeting you changed my life, Erin. Thanks to you I am who I am because you're the one who brought joy and happiness back into my life when I wondered whether these things still exist. In fact you are my life, Erin and thanks to you I'm living again and furthermore live my dream. So don't you _ever_ say again you're not enough. Because you're _everything_ for me.″

He clicked again and the screen showed another collage, one with all the pictures of Erin he'd shown her before.

″And now look at this and tell on which planet this woman is a bad mother. If this is what a bad mother looks like I don't know how a good mother looks like. So just tell me, Erin,″ he said, his voice turning into a whisper, his emotions doing the talking once again. ″Because for me she's the best. In fact she reminds me a lot of my own mother with her endless love, her gracious empathy and her attitude to always care about everyone around her. My heart aches that she thinks she's not good enough, that she thinks she's a bad mother and other than what I'm doing right now I have no idea how to convince her how amazing she is.″

Of course Erin had listened. To all of his words. Had watched all the pictures that had come with these words and while she kept on staring at the collage, seeing this undeniably happy version of herself, all of his words resounded in her head, drowning Bunny's words. And suddenly the tiniest bit of light broke through the darkness that surrounded her. The dark bubble of thinking she was a bad mother and thinking she wasn't good enough she's been living in for the last couple of hours seemed to lighten up a little. His words had a healing effect on her, just like they usually had. Some single tears were running down her face again, tears of emotion. He'd once again proven why he was her safe haven, had once again caught here when she's already been spiraling but before she completely fell, had once again found the right words, had once again caught her when she was on the edge but before she could jump from the cliff. She still stared at the last collage of pictures as her heart started to feel not as heavy anymore but still far away from the lightheartedness of the previous weeks, far away from the woman on the photos who beamed in happiness.

″Stop being so hard on yourself and giving the words of a woman so much credit who doesn't know anything about you, Er,″ Jay whispered and changed his position a little to sit right in front of her so he could look her directly in the eyes. He cupped part of her cheek and ear with his hand and stroked over her face with his thumb. ″Bunny doesn't know you. Not anymore. She's the very last person to judge what kind of mother you are.″

″What about...what about all the things I told you...why I'm bad...and selfish? That's also me and you can't just forget about them,″ she said, insecurity still clearly surrounding her.

″I don't know at which point you're seeing yourself being selfish, I honestly don't. Yes, you're going to the gym in the mornings to do your workouts and you take her there but is this a problem?″ he asked rhetorically. ″No, it's not, Er. You're not oblidged to give your life up and Emmy doesn't care whether she sleeps in the stroller in the gym or in her bassinet at home. This may get a little complicated once she's crawling or walking and doesn't want to sleep or sit still anymore but for now it's just fine. And yes, you went to Molly's after the Zumba class but is this something bad? No, Erin. You care for her almost 24/7, so going out with some friends and having fun with them for two hours is absolutely not a bad thing. You are allowed, more like you shall do the things that make you happy. You don't have to give up on the things you like to do just because you're a mother. Beyond that you're still an independent woman who's entitled to do whatever she wants to do. That's why the parents-game is a two-people-job, you know?″ he asked, smiling at her faintly.

″And about your job: yes, you're going back to work soon but you're starting it slow because you don't want her to be with someone else so much. It's not like that we hire a full-time nanny so you can go back to work full-time as well. Your job was once the most important thing in your life because it was the one constant thing you had and now you don't even want to work full-time anymore but only up to 50% at some point. Because Emilia is so much more important for you but of course your job is still, too. Although not as important as it's been before. Once again I don't see anything bad there,″ he said, never breaking the eye-contact with her. ″We're living in a time were women don't have to be only housewifes anymore but can rather have a child and a career simultaneously. This doesn't make them bad mothers but more badass mothers,″ he added, giving her a grin and got an actual weak smile back from her in response.

″If I remember correctly all that's left now what makes you think you're a bad mother is the honeymoon thing. Maybe you don't remember anymore but when we booked a couple of days ago we booked for three people. Because you are still not sure whether you can leave her for a whole week or not. You never said you want to go without her, this was in fact my idea and I'm sorry if I pushed you into something you don't feel good with. But leaving her with Hank wouldn't make you a bad mother either, okay? Just the fact how much you think about it, how torn you are whether we should go alone or not shows what a great mother you are, Erin. I need you to believe me how amazing you are and I need you to stop believing people like Bunny. People who only want to hurt you and want to see you down. People who just want to triumph over you and stop at nothing. Believe the people who bring you to your brightest self, who want to see you being the bright star you are, not those who bring you to your lowest self, who want to take your dignity away from you and treat you like garbage. Bunny is a bitter person who enjoys to see people break. To see them down. It gives her some sort of joy seeing someone being weaker than herself. But I promise I will take care that she'll never hurt you again,″ he murmured, the emotion in his voice hearable, before he rested his forehead against hers.

″And there's one last thing I think you need to hear again: Nadia's death is not your fault. And you know that. And you also know that Bunny only said that because she knew how vulnerable you are about it. Once again her words had the simple purpose to hurt you and I know they did hurt immensely. But there's nothing you could've done differently, Erin,″ he said ever so soft and brushed a short kiss against her lips.

″I know it's easier to remember all the negative things we hear, they burn into our minds and we carry them with us for quite a while. And I know it's hard to forget about what Bunny said but don't let her have this much influence on you. Because this is you,″ he said and pointed to the collage again that was still on the screen of the laptop. ″This is who you are. This magnificent human is who you are. This incredible momma is who you are.″

Erin felt more of the light breaking through the darkness, the light slowly prevailing by all of his words and all of his simple gestures. She looked from the picture back to him and then to Emilia who was still awake, lying on her mat like an angel, like she knew her parents needed a little time to talk. She was this little perfect human's mother and this was something she could and should be proud of.

Moving away from Jay a little she slid across the floor to be closer to her daughter. ″I love her so much it scares the shit out of me,″ Erin whispered, stroking Emilia's belly before she lay down right next to her on the floor on her side, pulling herself up to her elbow. ″If something ever happens to her...-″

″Hey hey hey babe,″ Jay interrupted her and lay down behind her, wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her closer. ″Nothing's ever going to happen to her,″ he said quietly into her ear.

″You promise?″ she asked, her voice barely a whisper as she turned her head to him.

He looked at her, saw this vulnerability reflecting from her hazel-green eyes, but being reluctant with answering her request because he couldn't actually _promise_ such a thing. Life was unpredictable, he knew it better than anyone else, and in a world full of tragedy and cruelty, which they in fact witnessed every day in their jobs and also had witnessed on their own already because fate hadn't been their best friend in the past, no one could _ever_ make such a promise. But it was what she _needed_ to hear and so he made a promise he prayed would _never_ _never_ _never_ get broken.

″I promise. I'll protect her with my life and I know you will, too,″ he answered, pressing a kiss on her hair.

″What if something happens to us?″ Erin asked back. It was the one question they've somehow avoided talking about since Emilia's birth. But it was something they really needed to talk about, especially with their jobs. What would happen to Emilia if something happened to them? If the worst-case happened? Who would be the one to take care of her? It was always possible that something happened, they knew whenever they went for a bust or whatever else that it wasn't a given that they would all go home that night. Of course this wasn't what they thought about when they put their vests on because if it was, they should do a different job, but this didn't mean that they weren't aware of the possibilities.

″Can we not talk about this tonight, Er?″ Jay asked. He didn't find that their current situation was appropriate to conduct a conversation about such a heavy topic although Erin seemed to be doing slightly better. ″We will talk about it, but not now, okay? There's enough going on right now.″

″Okay,″ she nodded. They fell into silence again, a quite comfortable one, and only watched their daughter, who still didn't seem to be tired, for a little while before Jay started moving behind her and sat up, his stomach growling in dissatisfaction.

″Are you hungry?″ he asked.

″Naah, not really,″ she answered, turning her head to him.

″Not even for linguine with salmon?″ he asked back.

″Well...″ she answered and the littlest of smiles spread across her lips, one that made Jay happier than any other smile ever had. ″I can't say no to that, right?″

″Nope,″ Jay smirked, getting up to his feet to check the bag of nourishments which was still placed at the kitchen bar. Meanwhile Erin lay down on her back, her head resting on the activity mat next to Emmy's, sharing her current view with her as she looked up to the hanging toys as well.

″Jeez Emmy, how can you look up there for so long without starting to cry?″ she said and chuckled slightly. Jay couldn't believe his ears and his heart flipped a little. Erin would overcome this. It would maybe take some time but she was on a good way already, better than he'd expected her to be by now. Thankfully his words and his little slideshow had helped her because if this hadn't been a success as well, he'd be completely lost and helpless now.

″This is really scary, Emmy but as long as you like it.″ Turning her head a little she pressed a kiss against her daughter's cheek and then kept on doing what Jay had started with earlier; telling her about the various toys that hung above them.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

During dinner Erin even found her appetite again, Jay's famous dish working wonders. She started to feel better with every bite she took and it didn't only have to do with this delicious meal but with Jay in general. This man was a saint. A safer. A gift. And when they later lay in bed, all snuggled up to each other, she was ready to share her deep gratitude with him.

″Jay,″ she said quietly, not wanting to wake their daughter up and also checking whether he was already sleeping since his breathing was so steady.

″Huh?″

″I...I just wanted to thank you. For everything you did today,″ she started, searching for the right words to really express what was going on inside of her. ″You might don't know it but you're a real bright light, Jay. Ever since we're together the darkness that once surrounded me has disappeared thanks to this light. And today, when this darkness started to surround me again, when it invaded me, you proved once again why you are like a light in the darkness, why you are my light in fact. With everything you did today, with every word you said, you lightened up this darkness a little more and although it's not like it's been before yet, I know the sun will shine again soon...because you are here...and I know for sure that without you I would still wandering around in the darkness, lost, waiting for the light to appear to show me where to go...″

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 **Thank y'all for the feedback on my last chapter, I hope you enjoyed this one! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) I guess it's time for Jay and Bunny to meet now, eh?**


	50. Ray Of Sunshine

**50 chapters, can you believe it? Because I can't :D Thank you for the ongoing support, the feedback, the reviews, simply everything! This story is my escape from reality and I'm glad that you still like it! So on to the next 50 (well, maybe not but we'll see) :D**

 **I still own nada. Unfortunately. Would change quite some things *cough***

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 **50\. Ray Of Sunshine**

It's barely been 24 hours since Erin's breakdown when Jay found himself in one of the parts of Chicago he usually only visited when it had to do with a crime, facing a certain, bedraggled bar. After breakfast he'd told Erin that he would go for a run like he usually did on Saturday and Sunday mornings, except today his destination had never been the Lake Front Trail but rather the exact building he was standing in front of right now. There was something he needed to do to protect his family, something he usually never did but this time he would step out of his comfort zone, go beyond his own limits if it was necessary because he would do everything to keep his family safe, to keep Bunny as far as possible away from Erin and Emilia so she could and would never hurt Erin again.

Jay took another deep breath of air, almost as if he soaked in courage as he knew he would need it, before he walked right to the front entrance, knowing very well that no matter the early time of 10.30am, it would be open. Because bars like this one opened early for their regular customers that day by day started their mission to drown themselves in alcohol in the morning already. He hesitated for a short moment when his eyes fell on the sign with the owner's name next to the door. It read Barbara Fletcher and though the sleazy bar had most probably not been too expensive, he seriously wondered where she had gotten the money from to buy this place. Maybe she'd made a good deal with her last husband but maybe he simply didn't want to know any details about any kind of shady deals that had gone down here.

A wave of smoke and alcohol and something else he was sure was illegal met him when he stepped into the bar he's never been in before, the bar that looked as shabby from the inside as it did from the outside. The cop he was, he gazed around to check what kind of people where in here but he wasn't surprised by the clientele that ensured the turnover of the bar on this Saturday morning. Two men where sitting on bar stools, sipping on their beers, smoking cigarettes and he was sure to see little packages with a certain white content in front of them for a split second. And a group of three men and a woman sat on a table in the corner, pouring down shots. For a moment Jay couldn't help but think that this was how Erin must've looked like during her darkest time, how she must've spent her days caught in the clutches of her mother, all muzzy by booze and pills, probably waking up being drunk already and then spending the day in here, reaching a higher alcohol level that would help her to forget.

After letting his gaze wander around in this triste, dark place, his eyes fell on the blonde woman behind the counter, who was the reason why he was in here at all. As she currently stood with her back to him and probably filled a glass with a long drink for one of her loyal customers, she of course didn't see him, so Jay made his way to the counter, his fingertips thrumming against the sticky surface of the counter impatiently, maybe even nervously.

When Bunny finally turned around and saw him standing there she literally froze in her movement, if only briefly. It was obvious that she'd never imagined the possibility that he would show up here in her little kingdom. It only took Jay a second to see in her eyes that she wasn't anywhere near of being sober and in the corner of his eyes he saw a little box with pills standing next to all the bottles filled with booze which should hide the box but didn't.

″Detective...,″ she said, obviously not knowing his full name anymore, a faked smile covering her features. ″How can I help you?″ she asked and Jay could've sworn that he heard a nervous undertone in her voice. Which had every right to be there. He wasn't here to be the nice son-in-law. Sensing that there was trouble lurking, Bunny poured him a shot and flashed him a sweet smile.

″Not with this,″ he answered harshly and pushed the drink back, the clear liquid slopping over the edge of the glass. ″But you can help me by staying away from my family,″ he said and his voice was as cold as seldom before. But not threatening. Not _yet_.

″So you _are_ Erin's baby daddy, that's interesting,″ Bunny laughed scornfully. ″I never thought you'd want someone like her to be the mother of your child. But I guess you will only wake up when she one day shows you who she really is, when you find her high and drunk, your baby lying next to some needles and empty bottles.″

″Well, she's not you, right? So I don't have to worry about this,″ Jay said all dry but he was seething inwardly. No one was allowed to talk about his girl like this, least of all this woman who was nothing but bad news. ″You have no idea who Erin is and you only want her to be worse and weaker than you are yourself. But Erin is so much better and stronger than you are and than you ever were and than you'll ever be.″

″No Detective,″ Bunny said, pointing her finger on him. ″You have no idea who Erin _really_ is. You only see what you want to see but what will happen if she shows you her true self? Will you still defend her then? Will you still tell yourself that she's different than I am? Will you keep your eyes shut from reality?″

Jay ignored her remark although it was hard. It didn't make any sense and Bunny would never suddenly turn into the sweet mother, would never stop talking Erin down. The things Bunny said about Erin hurt him and he didn't even dare to imagine how much worse it must've been for his fiancée yesterday because the way she spoke about her own daughter broke his heart.

″Stay. Away. From. My. Family,″ Jay said once again and this time the tone in his voice was definitely threatening. ″Stay away from Erin. Stay away from our child. Stay the hell out of our life. Erin is a ray of sunshine and _you_ will not take this light away from her!″ With these words he turned around. He actually knew that this wasn't enough to keep Bunny from doing whatever she wanted to do but he's never been good at threatening people. Maybe he should give this all to Hank but this was about his family, so it was his task to keep them safe, not Hank's. But for keeping them safe and protected he needed to do more than this, way more and he'd told himself that he would do anything to keep Erin and Emilia safe, that he would go beyond his own limits. Which he hasn't done so far. In this moment he decided that he would not simply leave like that, as the nice guy, but before he could fire more things at Bunny, it was her who fired back at him.

″Ray of sunshine?″ Bunny echoed and laughed synthetically. ″Come on Detective, your _ray of sunshine_ didn't even want this. A baby, being a mother. I bet this was an accident. I bet she actually didn't want to keep the baby. I bet she rather would've wanted a life without a baby. I bet you forced her to keep the baby and she was as stupid to listen to you,″ Bunny said and Jay's jaw dropped by her words. Because parts of it were true, Erin's first intention had indeed been to terminate the pregnancy and for a split second he only heard Bunny's words ringing in his ears and wondered whether he'd really forced Erin to keep their baby against her own wishes.

″And seeing your reaction now I bet I'm right,″ she laughed maliciously and Jay had to give his best to defend the urgent wish to punch her in her face to erase this winning, ugly grin from it. It took him a moment to swallow all his anger down and to remain cool. He usually had a good self-control but in this moment it took him everything to keep calm and act like he normally did, not letting his actions turn into Voight-style. At least not as much. But he knew what he wanted to say and chose his words advisedly, hoping that they would have the effect he wanted them to have.

″Do you see a badge on me Bunny?″ Jay asked rhetorically but didn't give her the chance to answer. ″No? That's because I'm not here as a cop today. I'm here as a father and as Erin's partner, so this is basically your lucky day. Because in here are at least ten reasons for me to shut this place down immediately and to bring you all behind bars and charge you and your little drug dealer friends for drug abuse and dealing with drugs. So I tell you one last time, stay away from my family. Or I will come back with my badge and no matter how hard you've cleaned up in here, I'll _find_ exactly the amount of drugs that will keep you behind bars for the rest of your life, so you'll never be able to come close to my family ever again. You understand?″

″Is this a threat?″ Bunny asked but her voice didn't sound as confident anymore.

″This is whatever you think it is, so if you feel threatened, good for you.″

″You wouldn't do that. Hank Voight would do that, but you wouldn't,″ Bunny snapped.

″Wanna test it?″ Jay asked back provokingly. ″I'm not in the mood for jokes today because you're pissing me off and there's one thing you must know about me: I would do _everything_ to keep my family safe, so you really don't want to get on my bad side, Bunny, believe me. Stay away from my family or you'll regret it for the rest of your life that you tried to sneak back into Erin's life.″

With these words Jay turned around and tried to leave the bar for a second time, with the difference that he really wanted to leave this time as he'd said everything he needed to say and had made his point clear.

″You can't forbid me to contact my daughter,″ Bunny called and sounded like a defiant child.

″Do whatever you want Bunny, I'll be more than glad to shut this shabby place down and clean this city from some little drug dealers, because you know, many a little makes a mickle,″ Jay waved aside without looking at her again and then left the bar to step out into the fresh spring sun again, inhaling some deep breaths of air as soon as he was outside to bring his pulse back under control.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was changing the sheets in the bedroom, the faint spring sun shining through the open windows, when she heard Jay unlocking the door of their apartment.

″Hey, I'm back,″ she heard his voice calling from the hall.

″Hey,″ she said when she stepped into the living room, still having one of the pillows pulled into her chest. She tilted her head to the side and frowned a little when she saw him as he wasn't sweaty at all. She couldn't say she was surprised though.

″I need to talk to you,″ Jay said and came some steps closer to her. He didn't want to have any secrets from her and while he was sure that she would have tried to stop him in case he had told her about his plans before, he could at least be honest with her now after he'd done what he'd needed to do. No more secrets, no more lies, no more walls.

″You weren't out for a run, right?″ Erin asked instantly, her eyes focussing on his tensed features. Something had rattled him, she could see it. ″You were at Bunny's bar, weren't you?″

″How do you know?″ he asked back, letting out a sharp breath.

″I know you, Jay,″ she answered, giving him a faint smile to show him that she wasn't mad at all. ″Plus you're not a single bit sweaty, that's suspicious,″ she added, a little laughter escaping from her lips. It was Jay's favorite sound, especially after last night, but he was still too angry about Bunny's behavior as that he could really enjoy it.

″Yeah...but I could really need a run right now,″ he sighed and rubbed his temples that ached a bit.

″After meeting Bunny you usually need more than just a run,″ Erin said bitterly. ″Will you tell me about it?″

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded, reached for her hand and pulled her down on the couch with him to tell her about everything that had happened inside of this heartless, icecold witch's bar.

Usually Erin was an independent person and liked to figure problems out on herself, wanted to deal with certain people all alone, especially when they had to do with her past, and most of all she didn't want to get patronized by someone else. But not this time. This time she was beyond grateful for everything he'd done to protect her and Emilia, that he'd gone to Bunny's bar to basically tell her to go to hell because she herself couldn't have done it this time. Not after everything that had happened the day before. So when he'd finished to tell her about the happenings in the bar, she couldn't hold back some tears of emotions from falling and thanked him for simply being who he was, for protecting her and Emilia with his life, before she curled into his side to be as close to him as possible.

Now there was only one thing on Jay's mind he still was thinking about. It were in fact some of Bunny's words that preyed on him. Yesterday he'd wondered why Erin had given Bunny's words so much credit but now he understood it completely because he was also giving some of her words more credit than he should have, instead of simply ignoring them. Because he actually _knew_ they weren't true. But still. Bunny's words were in his head now.

″Erin,″ he somewhen whispered into her hair.

″Huh?″

″Back in the beginning of your pregnancy, I didn't force you to keep our baby, did I? I didn't force you into something you didn't want? You didn't keep her just because of me although you didn't want it, right? You're not living a life now that you never wanted?″ he asked and his voice was nothing more than a faint whisper.

Erin got out of his embrace and looked at him, deep confusion reflecting from her face. She could see in his face that this really seemed to prey on him and she also saw that he was embarrassed to even ask this question. She could see that his eyes were looking for comfort in hers and of course she got it.

″Bunny said this, right?″ she asked back, already knowing the answer. After everything that had happened in the beginning of her pregnancy she couldn't even blame him for sort of believing Bunny's words. Because especially in the early stages of her pregnancy she hadn't given him the impression to be happy and she had to admit, she hadn't been happy about it in the first few weeks. It had been a real struggle for her and it had taken a while to accept the changes a baby would bring. But the more her baby had grown inside of her, the more she'd fallen in love with this little miracle and she has been her happiest self ever since they'd welcomed Emmy into their life. In addition, it was Bunny they talked about and she had the incredible talent to always make people believe her cruel words, to get right to their core and pull on their heartstrings. She'd experienced it firsthand yesterday and she still struggled with the aftermath.

″Possibly,″ he shrugged. ″Was she...was she right?″

″Jay, you didn't force me to do anything,″ she said softly and stroked his thigh right above his knee. ″Your words had a big influence on my decision and I'm beyond glad and thankful they had. I know I said that before but I'll say it again: I don't know how I could ever have lived and functioned without Emmy and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't know how much I needed her until she was here. She made me realize that being a mother is all I ever wanted to be deep down inside. So that I can make it better and can be that kind of mother I never had. That being said, if you forced me to anything, it was only that you forced me to my biggest fortune,″ she said quietly and cupped his cheek with her hand, her thumb stroking along his jaw and over his stubble. ″I know we don't talk about it often but I can't tell in words how much I love the life we live. It's everything I never knew how much I need it.″

She flashed him a little smile that reached her eyes and let them slightly sparkle and brushed her lips against his, ever so soft, ever so sweet, ever so thankful.

″I love you,″ she murmured and straddled him, her hands cupping both of his cheeks, before Jay returned the kiss, though it was definitely more passionate, his hands finding one of their favorite spots on her waist.

″I love you, too,″ he breathed out, their lips melting yet again, right before Erin broke the kiss as they were about to get to a point of no-return, close to completely losing it on this spring morning in their living room. On their couch. The one couch.

″Jay, Emmy's here,″ Erin chuckled innocently and motioned her head to the baby mat on the floor at the other end of the couch close to the window.

″Ouh, hey princess, didn't see you chilling there,″ Jay laughed as he looked at his daughter. ″She's so calm, not making any noises,″ he noticed.

″Possibly disturbed by what she's seeing,″ she smirked.

″Naah, she's fine, right Emmy?″ Jay asked, pushed Erin aside softly and got up from the couch to pick his daughter up from the floor. ″Who's two months old today, huh?″ he murmured against her head and placed a kiss on her fuzzy brown hair. ″Is my little princess already two months old?″

″She's growing up way too fast,″ Erin sighed, her heart melting just as always by seeing Jay being all cute with their daughter. ″It's like she'll walk before we even blink. And in ten seconds she'll introduce her boyfriend.″

Jay grimaced dramatically as this was something he definitely didn't want to hear. ″Stop it. Instantly.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After the rest of the weekend had passed smooth and without any other incidents, Erin found herself in front of her neighbor's door on Monday around noon. She'd for sure given her a turn with her behavior on Friday, so she at least wanted to tell her that she was alright and also wanted to give her a little present for being there and not asking any stupid questions.

She knocked on the door, Emilia resting against her shoulder, her tiny fingers clawing in Erin's hair, and it took a couple of seconds before the older woman opened the door, being all surprised by who was standing in front. Erin had only seen her occasionally before, has never had much to do with her, with any of her neighbors in fact, because before and during her pregnancy she used to leave early in the mornings and return late in the evenings as her job required overtime and night shifts almost on a daily basis.

″Ms Lindsay,″ she said and her face lit up like the rising sun.

″Ms Lewis,″ Erin smiled back. ″I...uhm...I just wanted to apologize for Friday because I'm sure I scared you. And I also wanted to say thank you for being there,″ she said and handed her the present which was covered in transparent foil. It was a big mug with three packages of different teas and some sugar candy sticks, something she figured an elder woman could need.

″Oh, you shouldn't have, thank you. Do you want to come in?″

″Uhm...,″ Erin spluttered. She hadn't thought about the possibility that her neighbor would invite her to stay. But she didn't want to be impolite and she had time anyway. ″Yeah, sure.″

Erin followed her into the apartment, of course gazing around to see how her neighbor lived in her apartment that was cut almost like her's and Jay's. The furniture was a little older, not super old yet not super modern, but everything was pretty neat and charming.

″Sit down, please,″ Ms Lewis smiled, pointing to the couch. ″Do you want anything to drink?″ she asked while Erin sat down.

″No, thanks,″ she answered and shifted Emilia down into her arm.

″Alright, if you get thirsty, don't hesitate to tell me,″ she said and sat down next to Erin. ″You're looking way better than on Friday, so I hope everything is fine now?″

″Yeah, I'm getting there,″ Erin shrugged. She was feeling better though she wasn't back to her old self and she knew it would maybe take a couple more days. ″I just encountered someone I didn't think I ever have to meet again and it really shook me up,″ she added, immediately wondering why she was so open towards the woman she barely knew. ″I'm sorry you had to see me like this. That's usually not who I am.″

″Don't be sorry. Though I have to admit you worried me. But I'm glad you're getting better now,″ she said and her eyes fell on Emilia as she made some quiet noises and grimaced in the cutest way.

″She's absolutely adorable,″ Ms Lewis smiled. ″What's her name again?″

″Emilia,″ Erin smiled back, once again being surprised and thankful that Ms Lewis didn't ask any more questions although they were plenty she could ask after Erin's statement.

″That's a beautiful name. And how old are you now Miss Emilia?″ she asked and stroked Emilia's little hand.

″Two months already,″ Erin answered and looked down to Emmy to see that she was smiling.

″They grow up fast,″ Ms Lewis said. It was the preset sentence everyone told them and unfortunately it was true.

″They do,″ Erin nodded, remembering that she hasn't seen her neighbor with her grandchildren in a while. She usually hadn't seen her neighbor often throughout the day while she'd been in Intelligence fulltime but when she had, there'd always been two little boys and a girl with her. But ever since Erin has been on maternity leave she had only seen her neighbor all alone. ″What about your grandkids? They haven't been here in a while, have they?″

″Oh, you mean Xander, Lainey and Oliver?″ she asked, sadness starting to overshadow her features. ″They're not my grandchildren. My husband and I couldn't have kids.″

Erin swallowed hardly and felt how her cheeks blushed. How could she have been so insensitive to assume something she actually had no idea about? With this question she'd made a gaffe for sure. She usually wasn't someone who jumped on conclusions.

″I'm sorry,″ Erin mumbled embarrassed and gazed down to Emmy again instead of Ms Lewis's face.

″You couldn't know,″ she answered and tried to sound lighthearted about it before she started to share her story that pulled on Erin's heartstrings in various ways.

″Pretty early into our marriage we discovered that we'll never get blessed with kids, so I started to work as a preschool teacher and it really was my vocation. When my husband got Alzheimers with only 52 I quit my job and took care of him for two years until the day he died three years ago. Afterwards I couldn't live in our house anymore because of all the memories and moved to the city, thought the turmoil would be good for me. I thought it would distract me but it didn't. I didn't need a job but I was all alone and didn't know what to do with my time, was unbelieveably bored and when you're bored you never stop to grieve. But being 54 it was difficult to find a job again and so I offered a daycare facility for four kids max, not for the money, just to do something useful and help someone. Then this family called me and we met and there was a lot of sympathy instantly. They didn't have a lot of money but I offered to take care of their kids for only a small amount of money. They agreed and were beyond thankful that they could go to work while I took care of their three little kids aged six months to four years for four days a week. Those kids were like the grandkids I never had, they lighted up my life and let me live again, made my life worth living again and for two years I was a main part of their lives, of their growing-up. Lainey made her first steps inside here, Xander got potty-trained in my bathroom and Oliver rather slept in the bunk bed here than in his bed at home,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath. Erin saw that she was fighting with her emotions. ″They moved to Boston last November due to their jobs. And ever since I've been feeling so empty but at the same time I haven't been sure whether I can do it again because saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest things in my life.″

Erin's heart broke for the older woman and she just wanted to hug her although this was usually not her thing. Hugging a stranger to comfort them. But she felt so bad for her neighbor who'd not only lost the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with but also those kids who'd brought so much joy back into her life after her husband's death.

″I'm so sorry to hear that,″ she said quietly, not knowing what else to say to comfort her. In some situations there simply wasn't anything to say.

″I'm getting better,″ Ms Lewis answered and smiled faintly. ″I just miss these little munchkins. They were somehow all I had and now my apartment is so silent and my life so empty.″

″Have you ever considered fostering a child?″ From her job Erin knew there were lots of children with DCFS who needed a stable and loving home.

″Yeah, several times,″ she confirmed. ″But I'm too old to adopt them and could only foster them until they get adopted, which means I would have to say goodbye again. Unfortunately we never thought about it when we were younger because I had accepted it that we wouldn't have kids and was satisfied with my job. The kids in preschool were my kids somehow and I never felt like something was missing.″

″I understand,″ Erin nodded and looked down to Emilia who started to get grumpy and unsettled. Gazing at her two-month old, a sudden inspiration hit her. She would go back to work soon, as in two weeks, and for the beginning Emilia would be with her but from May or June on they would need a nanny or a daycare facility for two or three mornings a week. And how perfect would it be if their nanny lived in the very same building? She got inwardly excited for a brief moment because this idea was too perfect to be true but she decided not to tell her neighbor about it for now. She first had to talk with Jay and ask him what he thought about it as she didn't want to go over his head.

″Looks like someone's getting tired,″ the voice of Ms Lewis interrupted her thoughts.

″Uhm, yeah,″ Erin nodded and couldn't hide a bright smile because this idea somehow made her happy. ″It's time for her forenoon nap, right Emmy?″ she asked her baby and tickled her belly softly but she kept on mewling, showing her dissatisfaction distinctly. ″I guess I better bring her upstairs before the real terror starts,″ Erin chuckled and got up from the couch.

″Of course. I held you up long enough,″ Ms Lewis said and guided her to the door.

″Naah, you didn't. It was nice,″ Erin smiled.

″It was,″ she agreed. ″Maybe we can catch up again somewhen. I mean, only if you have a spare minute and want to spend your time with an old trout like me,″ she laughed.

″Yeah, for sure,″ Erin nodded eagerly.

″Fine,″ Ms Lewis answered and Erin could've sworn to see her eyes sparkling excitedly for a split second. ″Then have a good sleep little lady,″ she told Emmy before Erin left to put her tired baby to bed.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear mommy, happy birthday to you.″ The sound of Jay singing let a smile grow on Erin's face even before she opened her eyes on the morning of the 12th of April, her 32nd birthday. She blinked some times to get used to the light while Jay sat down on the edge of the bed, holding Emilia against his shoulder.

″Good morning birthday girl,″ he smiled brightly.

″Good morning,″ Erin grinned and sat up, running her hand through her messy hair.

″Happy Birthday,″ Jay said and leaned in to place a long kiss on her lips. ″Come on Emmy, now it's your turn. Tell mommy happy birthday.″

″Well, you better try that again in a year or so,″ Erin chuckled.

″I swear I taught her to say happy birthday and she babbled it all morning. Maybe not in the mood now,″ Jay shrugged, a dorky grin covering his features.

″That must be it,″ she laughed. ″But I'm all okay with some birthday cuddles anyway,″ she smirked and reached for Emilia who was dressed in some grey leggins and a white onesie with Minnie Mouse printed on front, wearing the matching red socks with white dots as well. It was beyond adorable and Jay was for sure better in picking outfits for their daughter than she was.

″Here you go,″ Jay said and Erin placed her baby on her chest, holding her butt with her one hand and covering her head with her other while placing a kiss on her forehead. This was already her best birthday ever.

″It smells really yummy in here...,″ Erin grinned, giving Jay a smirking glance.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded. ″We already baked this morning,″ he said all proud.

″You baked this morning?″ Erin asked perplexedly and gazed at the clock on her bedside table. It was 8am. How had he already baked and how had she not recognized a thing? Either she had a very good sleep or Jay was the most quiet person when it came to baking.

″Of course. Only the best for my woman on her special day,″ he smiled and as almost always when Jay paid her these kinds of compliments, her cheeks blushed slightly. In addition she loved to hear him calling her 'my woman'.

″What did you bake?″ she asked and Jay could see the curiosity in her eyes.

″Give me ten minutes and you'll see,″ he winked, brushed his lips against hers for another short kiss and then let her alone to prepare the surprise for her.

″What did you and daddy do this morning, huh Emmy?″ she whispered. ″It's great when daddy's here on a week day, isn't it?″

Of course Jay had the day off to spend it with Erin and Emilia. They'd discussed whether he should simply go to work and she would check by throughout the day and celebrate her birthday in the bullpen but Jay had insisted that he would take the day off as he had lots of overtime anyway. They didn't have any sepcial plans though, at least none that she knew of. Maybe they would just do something relaxing, like a picnic in the park, celebrating not only her birthday but also that spring was here. And then, in the evening, they would go out for dinner as just the two of them. An easy-going day all in all.

They could really need some downtime at the moment. Just when things had slowly gone back to normal after everything that had happened with Bunny, the next drama had been just around the corner. Six days ago Emilia had gotten her shots and while it was normal for babies to react to it with getting a slight elevated temperature, Emilia had developed a high fever some hours after her shots and had then not stopped to throw up, so they'd rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night, where the doctors had given her fluids to rehydrate her and medicine to get the fever under control. Erin had been on the edge of a collaps that night and when the pediatrician had started to penetrate Emilia's tiny arm with a big needle for the IV, her baby's heart-wrenching cries resounding on the whole floor, she had left the room because it had been too much for her to take. She had thought she'd seen everything and so she'd thought she could handle every situation, but seeing her baby in pain had been a complete different level compared to everything she'd handled before and all she'd wished for was to take the pain away from her daughter or to change places with her. She would take any pain if it meant Emilia didn't have to suffer.

Emilia and with her Erin and Jay had stayed in the hospital for two nights until the fever was gone and she could keep the milk down. She'd lost over two pounds of her weight during these two days, and had been quite groggy for the first two days after coming home from the hospital but for two days now she's been back to her happy little self, making her parents endlessly relieved with smiling as often as before and nursing hungrily to regain her weight. But nonetheless Erin sensed that Emilia would never be that kind of chubby baby with cute baby rolls but would stay more of a tiny doll.

Emmy making a quiet, unsatisfied noise let Erin sort of wake up from these memories that still frightened her because seeing your baby in a hospital bed connected with tubes and cables, thinking about what would happen if her condition got more critical was inevitable. The thoughts that parents lost their babies in the pediatric ICU on a daily basis were inevitable.

″What's wrong little lady?″ Erin whispered against her head. ″Do you want to get up and take a look outside?″ she said and untangled her legs from the sheets to get up. She walked to the big windows and pulled the curtains back to see the sun lighting up the city.

″You see this bright sun, Emmy?″ she asked, teethering from one foot to another as an attempt to calm her down, and rocked her gently. ″This sun is your aunt Nadia. She died two years ago today, so this is not only a happy day for me. But I know she's here with us today as a ray of sunshine to light up this day. And you know, she would've loved to be your crazy aunt,″ Erin said quietly but even managed to smile faintly.

″Hey babe, your surprise is ready,″ Jay said and Erin turned her head to him to see him casually leaning on the doorway.

″Uhm yeah,″ she nodded, inhaling a deep breath. Even from the distance Jay saw tears looming in her eyes and of course he knew why. Her birthday would forever be a tough day for her but for the rest of their lives he would give his best to also make it a nice day under the given circumstances. He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her and Emmy from behind and she leaned the back of her head against his chest instantly.

″I miss her,″ she whispered and kept on studying the skyline outside of the window.

″I know,″ Jay answered, burying his head in her hair and kissing it, inhaling the sweet scent of her raspberry shampoo.

″I can't believe it's already been two years. Still feels like yesterday that...you know,″ she said quietly and Jay could feel her shuddering in his embrace. ″Those pictures are still so close, especially today.″

″Yeah,″ he answered pensively. ″We'll never be able to forget these pictures but at the same time we'll also never forget Nadia. She's a part of this family and she always will be.″

″I know,″ Erin said and swallowed the lump in her throat. ″She's our guardian angel.″

″She is,″ he agreed. ″Do you want to stop by the district later?″

″Yes, that would be nice,″ she said and they fell into a comfortable silence for a moment, Jay still holding Erin in his strong arms, both of them staring out of the window while Jay was waiting until she was ready for his surprise. He wanted to give her all the time she needed and he knew she would show him when she was ready and could be really happy about the things that were waiting for her.

″About that surprise...″ she somewhen said into the silence and turned her head around to him and Jay was glad to see the curiosity making a comeback to her face.

″Still waiting for you in the living room. You ready?″

″I am,″ she smiled faintly and let Jay guide her to the other room where a bouquet of daisies was on the dining table as well as chocolate brownies with lots of candles and a present wrapped in fancy paper.

″Chocolate brownies?″ Erin asked excitedly, her facial expression being the proof that people could very well look at food with heart-eyes. ″They are my favorite.″

″I know,″ Jay grinned. ″I found my mom's old recipe the other day when I looked for my baby photos and thought to give it a try. So there's no guarantee that they're actually eatable.″

″I'm pretty sure they are because you're a perfectionist so you wouldn't serve them if you were afraid you mixed up sugar and salt or whatever else I would probably do,″ she laughed.

″Possibly,″ Jay winked. ″Come on, you're allowed to try them first. And give me the princess, so you'll have both of your hands for your present,″ he said and reached for Emilia to take her into his arms.

They sat down on the table and Jay insisted that they would first eat the brownies before Erin was allowed to open her present. She tried to make a deal with him to open it somewhen in between because her curiosity was killing her but Jay didn't give in and so Erin had no option other than accepting it and before she came to the point to tear her present open, they enjoyed his delicious chocolate brownies, the best ones Erin has ever eaten in her life. And as a chocolate brownie fan she'd literally tried every brownie in the city. But the brownies Jay'd made with the recipe of his mother were a complete different category and she was sure she could never eat other brownies than these ones again.

″Oh my God, those calories I just ate will do it for the rest of the month I guess,″ Erin sighed after licking the last crumbs of brownies from her fingers. She'd eaten way too much for her own good but they were too tasty to stop.

″Who cares about calories anyway,″ Jay chuckled, smiling proudly because during the last fifteen minutes Erin had said on repeat how much she loved his masterpiece brownies.

″Well I do...sometimes,″ Erin grinned. ″But not today,″ she added, giving him a little twinkle before her eyes fell on the present. Again.

She was about to ask whether she was finally allowed to open it, when Jay already answered her question, well-knowing which words were on the tip of her tongue. ″You can,″ he smirked and she grabbed for it instantly, smiling like a kid on Christmas morning when she teared the fancy paper up, being all excited for its content because Jay's gifts were always special and so well and perfectly chosen.

She didn't know what she'd expected but when she saw a folded piece of paper after lifting the lit of the box she could say that this wasn't what she'd thought would be in there.

″What's that?″ she asked, looking at Jay only to show him her confusion.

″How about checking it out yourself, huh?″ Jay chuckled in response. He couldn't tell in words how much he enjoyed this. Teasing her and seeing her being this curious and confused.

Erin looked at him for another second before she turned her attention to her present again and picked the paper up to unfold it. Written in Jay's surprisingly neat and not usual scrawly handwriting it read:

 _Good morning dream woman, I know you're curious about your birthday present but I have to disappoint you and tell you that you have to wait for it for a little while longer. And you have to do some things to get it at all, sorry babe._ While reading it Erin could literally see in front of her eyes how Jay must've smirked like an adorable dork while writing this. _For now I want you to go to our bedroom and look for your bag in our wardrobe. You'll find further instructions there if you look precisely._

″Is this some kind of treasure hunt?″ Erin asked, looking up from the paper to Jay just to see the exact smugly grin on his face she'd somehow expected to be there.

″Could be,″ Jay shrugged, a bright smirk, he couldn't hide, revealing him that this was in fact what he had organized for her.

″I swear to God if I have to wait and look for my present the whole day Jay Halstead...″ she laughed and shook her head.

″Then what?″ Jay grinned, raising his eyebrows playfully. Her impatience was beyond adorable.

″Then...then...I have to think about what's then,″ she chuckled. ″So wardrobe you said, let's go,″ she said more to herself and got up to look for the next hint. Patience wasn't her best attitude.

It didn't take her long to find her bag in the depths of her wardrobe and when she picked it up she was kinda surprised that it was heavy and not empty. For a moment she got excited that her present was maybe inside of the bag. She placed it on the bed, Jay now leaning against the wall and watching her joyfully, after settling Emilia on her mat in the living room, that smugly smile still covering his features. She opened the biggest zipper only to find some of her own clothes packed in the bag and another piece of paper on top of her shirt.

She was quick with unfolding it, her curiosity driving her nuts. _Bring the bag down to the car. In case you're still wearing your pajamas, change into your casuals first and bring it down then. You'll find the next hint in the trunk._

Of course she was still wearing her pajamas and although her curiosity was rising constantly and she just wanted to run down to the car to check what was inside of the trunk, she had to bite the bullet and make herself ready for the day first. Nonetheless she had a vague idea now. She was a cop after all and loved to put pieces together, so the fact that she had to bring her packed bag to the car was enough for her to sense that would probably not spend the day and the night in Chicago.

″So I have to bring my packed bag to the car?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows playfully, and closed the gap between her and Jay, tracing random patterns on his chest with the tips of her fingers while he wrapped his arms around her and interlaced his hands behind her back.

″If that's what the note says I guess you have to,″ Jay shrugged and smiled at her teasingly. No matter how hard she would try, he wouldn't tell her any details.

″Where do we go?″ she asked casually, not looking into his face but concentrating onto her fingers which still caressed his shirt.

″Nice try, babe, real nice,″ Jay chuckled, and when she looked up to him all innocent and pouting he only pressed his lips against hers because her begging hazel-green eyes and this adorable pout were his weakness and he really didn't want to give in that easily but would if she kept on looking at him like this.

″You really enjoy that, don't you?″ Erin asked against his lips, brushing hers against his in the slightest way again.

″Just a little,″ he chuckled, showing her the small margin with his fingers. ″But the faster you change and bring the bag down, the faster you'll find the next hint,″ he winked.

″So I better don't waste any more time with kissing my fiancé and trying to get him talking, huh?″ she murmured.

″Exactly,″ Jay nodded but didn't hold back from kissing her again and slapping across her backside gently before she disappeared in the bathroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Having the bag in one hand and opening the trunk with her other hand, Erin got quite surprised when she saw that the trunk was almost completely full already. Full with two more bags, a picnic basket and the stroller as well as the baby front carrier. She stored her bag in the trunk as well, because that's what she was supposed to do, and only saw the sticky note on the inside of the trunk lid when she was about to close it as she had totally forgotten that there was another hint in the trunk because ever since seeing all the stuff in the trunk her excitement has grown rapidly. At this point chances were more than high that they would spend some days away from the city turmoil and although she had no idea where they were about to head, she loved the idea of some family downtime someplace else already.

 _Take a seat on the passenger side (and please do not argue about that, thanks I appreciate it) and enjoy the journey. New hints will follow soon, don't worry. You just have to stay patient, tough stuff, right?_

Erin's grin grew wide when she read the sassy note because it was so much Jay. And although she had no idea where they would spend the night and what her birthday present was at all, this treasure hunt was already the best birthday present she's ever received. Because it made her feel special. This whole idea, all these little notes, packing their bags and loading the car, a little getaway, had for sure been quite the effort to plan and to organize but he had done this for her. To surprise her, to show her how much he loved her, to give her something for her birthday she would always remember. She had no idea how he did it but he simply had this way to always make her feel special and she permanently asked herself how she even deserved him and how she got to be so lucky to call him her one and only, her partner for life.

″So, are you ready?″ Jay's voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned her head around to see him standing in the door, carrying Emilia's car seat in his one hand, the diaper back hanging over his shoulder, and holding the stuffed Eeyore along with their jackets in his other hand.

″Hell yes,″ Erin grinned. If he didn't have his hands full with their baby and all the other stuff she would jump into his arms, wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him for five minutes straight.

″Then take your seat,″ he winked. Erin flashed him another bright smile and sat down on the side of the car she's gotten quite used to during the last few months. Meanwhile Jay placed their jackets, the diaper bag and the stuffy on the back seat and buckled Emilia's car seat behind the driver's seat, his little princess giving him a bright smile which was exactly the same smile Erin had flashed him a couple of seconds ago. Emilia was so much Erin, he still couldn't believe it but he of course didn't complain.

″Are you excited, Emmy?″ he asked and tickled her belly before he closed the door and took the spot next to Erin.

Before he pulled out on the streets to first stop by the district to remember Nadia by lightening some candles, he looked at Erin again and reached for her hand so he could hold it for as long as they were in the car. She turned her head around and what he saw in Erin's face made him beyond happy. Her soft smile that surrounded her lips and displayed her dimples, the sparkle in her eyes that let them shine green, two of the things he loved most but had disappeared since Erin's encounter with Bunny, were back. His Erin was back, shining like a ray of sunshine. This was how he wanted to see her for the rest of his life and he would do everything for it, for this smile, for these dimples, for these sparkles, for Erin being her happiest self.

″Where do we go?″ Erin asked again, inwardly hoping that he would finally tell her but knowing that her chances were small.

″Wait and see,″ Jay winked and squeezed her hand which rested near the console.

″Not fair,″ she chuckled.

″Uhm...take it as payback. You know, for what you did with me on my birthday. And you even covered my eyes, so you can consider yourself very lucky that you can still see where we go,″ he said and flashed her a fond grin before he pulled out on the street to drive up north to Lake Geneva...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! If you have time, please leave a review and let me know what you think! :)**


	51. Lucky Stars

**Thank you for your feedback on my last chapter and thank you for 400 reviews in general! Happy reading! :)**

* * *

 **51\. Lucky Stars**

A soft wind breezed through Erin's dirty blonde waves when she stood on the balcony of their room at the Geneva Inn Hotel, her hands firming on the wooden handrail as she enjoyed the picture perfect lake view in front of her, the surface of Lake Geneva sparkling in the spring sun. She inhaled some deep breaths of air and felt how the strain of the last few weeks slowly disappeared only from being here, at this place that seemed so peaceful like no bad things ever happened here. Or anywhere else in the world. She closed her eyes, let the sun shine in her face and listened to the birds that chirped around her, obviously celebrating that winter was over and spring was here, maybe singing happy birthday for her, who knew.

The grin, that has been plastered on her face ever since they'd arrived at this beautiful place a couple of minutes ago, grew bigger by this thought. It was her birthday, a day she thought she could never really enjoy again but here she was and she was happy. Really happy. With all her heart. Because different than last year she allowed herself to be happy. Because she knew Nadia would want her to be happy, especially now with her own little family. Because Jay wanted her to be happy and did everything for it and all of his efforts made this day beyond special and enjoyable again.

Jay.

He'd once again surpassed hisself with this surprise getaway and her heart hammered against her chest in an unhealthy rhythm when she thought about how much she loved him for everything he did for her, for literally dividing oceans for her and for simply being who he was, a man she failed in describing because there were no appropriate words that did him justice.

″Hey,″ she heard the voice of the man she's been thinking about for the last five minutes right next to her ear, his soft breath on her earlobe sending chills down her neck and spine. ″You ready?″

″Yeah,″ she smirked when she turned around to him, her heart melting a little more when she saw the look he was giving her. This look full of undeniable love with a smile that reached his crystal blue eyes and let them sparkle unreally. This look he only gave her out of all people in this world. ″Is our little lady in a better mood now?″

″Yeah, the new diaper worked wonders,″ Jay chuckled and reached for her hand to pull her inside of their big family room so they could make themselves ready for a stroll around the lake where they then could have a picnic at a nice spot in the sun, somewhere close to the water.

Emmy was lying on their king-sized bed, already dressed in some of her thicker clothes as it was still not too warm, and after Jay had helped Erin to attach the baby carrier, which they hadn't really used before, and to settle Emilia in it, all snuggled up to Erin's chest, they were ready to go.

″How's that Emmy, huh?″ Erin asked and looked down to her daughter, stroked over her head that was covered in a dark blue beanie.

″Looks satisfied to me,″ Jay grinned and took a photo of this super cute sight, waiting for Erin to tease him that he was such a typical proud dad who snapped literally every moment of their daughter's life. But surprisingly she stayed silent. Almost.

″I bet this photo will turn out a lot nicer when you take it outside...with a nice background like the lake for example,″ she teased him.

″Guess what, I can take another one there,″ he winked, grabbed the diaper bag to throw it over his shoulder and then also reached for the blankets and the picnic basket before he interlaced the fingers of his free hand with Erin's, one of his favorite things to do as her hand and fingers fit perfectly in his hand, in between his fingers.

And when they strolled along the lake, searching the perfect spot for their picnic in this beautiful piece of nature, their hands still holding each other's tightly, Emilia dozing off in the baby carrier, Jay couldn't help but think that if one year ago, on Erin's 31st birthday, someone had told him that only 365 days later they would be parents to the most beautiful little girl, would celebrate her birthday as a family of three and that they would almost be married, he for sure had commited this someone to Dr. Charles's station in Chicago Med for further treatment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They found a nice spot under a big tree close to the lake and as the leafs were only about to show up in a couple of days they still had enough sun to not get cold. They sat down on the picnic blanket, drank cranberry and orange juice, ate Jay's prepared sandwiches and more chocolate brownies and afterwards fed each other with strawberries and grapes and pieces of melon that Jay also had prepared beforehand. When their stomachs were full and satisfied, Jay wrapped the second blanket they'd brought around Erin's shoulders and it was big enough to also cover Emilia, who was of course not in the baby carrier anymore but still all snuggled up to her mother. Jay leaned back against the tree trunk and Erin took the spot between his legs and used his trained body as her human pillow when she leaned back on him, her head resting somewhere under his chin. He wrapped his arms around her and Emmy from behind and Erin snuggled deeper into his embrace subconsciously, feeling like wrapped in a cocoon, feeling so damn safe in his strong arms, her favorite spot in the world.

″This is the greatest,″ Erin murmured, her gaze focussing on the lake in front of them and the sun that went lower by the minute and would disappear within the next three hours. ″Thank you Jay,″ she said and Jay could hear from her voice that she'd said it from the bottom of her heart, with deep, deep gratitude.

″Everything for you,″ he whispered in all honesty and placed a gentle kiss on top of her hair. Erin moved a little in his embrace as an attempt to nestle even closer to him but she was already as close that not even a piece of paper would find a spot between them. She inclined her head to the side so her ear rested right above his heart and could hear and feel it beating in his chest. This was it. Her safe place. Listening to his heart and letting him hold her close was all she needed to finally completely relax, to feel safe and protected, to feel like nothing bad would ever happen to her again.

She closed her eyes, a soft smile still surrounding her lips and they fell into a comfortable silence until Jay noticed that Erin's breathing has turned into that kind of deep and steady breathing people only had when they were asleep. He tried to catch a glimpse of her face only to see that she, and Emilia as well, were completely tuckered out. He suppressed a chuckle that would might wake her up and let her doze for the time being as she really needed it.

They'd gone through hell these last two weeks, especially Erin, with Bunny showing up and breaking her with being her cruel self and then with Emilia having to stay at the hospital for two nights with high fever. Bunny alone had already brought her to the edge but these two things combined had been too much for her and when the pediatrician had started to find one of Emilia's tiny veins with a needle that seemed to be way too big, he'd been sure that Erin would faint or collaps any second. When he'd seen the rare color that was left on her face falling from it, when he'd recognized her shaking and tears streaming down her face he'd told her to wait outside, that he would be with Emilia and not leave her side although tears were also burning in the corners of his eyes, but she'd resisted, wanted to be with her baby. Only when the doctor still hadn't found a vein after the first two tries, Emilia crying in pain and as loud and intense as never before, she'd told him that she couldn't do this and went outside to wait somewhere where she wouldn't hear her baby crying but she'd ended up in the restroom, vomiting the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl.

Erin had looked like a ghost during these two days at the hospital, pure strain and pain reflecting from her face. She hadn't slept, just like him, but also had barely eaten anything. She had only allowed herself to leave her daughter's bedside when he had begged her to go to the cafeteria with him to have a quick meal, telling her that he was beyond scared she would end up in a hospital bed within the next few hours as well in case she would continue to turn down every snack with the words that she wasn't hungry.

Only when they'd returned home with their healthy but still groggy baby, Erin's zombie-like look had slowly disappeared, being replaced by the Erin he loved most, her appetite making a comeback as well.

Nonetheless this had been when he'd decided that they needed some downtime just for themselves, some happy family time someplace else and not in Chicago, her birthday giving him a fit occasion for a surprise getaway. And given the fact that he'd organized this _whole_ surprise, there was more to come, only a couple of days ago, he found he'd done quite the job.

Erin stirred a little in her sleep, bringing his attention back to her, and he tightened the grasp around her body to give her even more security. It took another thirty minutes before she moved again, nestling her head against his chin.

″Hey sleepyhead,″ he chuckled when he looked down and saw her eyelids moving, blinking against the sun.

″How long was I out?″ she murmured, her voice thick of sleep, a yawn escaping from her lips.

″Around 45 minutes, give or take,″ Jay grinned, kissing her hair yet again.

″Really? Felt like five minutes,″ she chuckled.

″Then just close your eyes and keep on sleeping.″

″Naaaah, I rather enjoy this view,″ she said and moved her head so she was able to see the lake and her surroundings again. This was really a perfect place and she loved it, though she didn't know why. The gras was not really green yet, the trees had no leafs and the flowers would only start to blossom in two weeks but there was something special about this place anyway and she imagined it was for sure almost as magical as at Jay's cabin here in summer.

″I want to marry here,″ she said out of the blue, catching Jay off-guard with this unexpected statement.

″What?″ Jay stuttered.

″I want to marry here,″ she repeated her words, still not changing her current position but grinning by only imagining Jay's current facial expressions.

″Right now?″ Jay chuckled nervously, not being sure whether she was joking or not.

″Well, that would be nice,″ Erin laughed. ″But I guess there are lots of people who will all kill us if we return to Chicago as a married couple. Kim's already driving me nuts about looking for a wedding dress and talks about her own dress all the time and how she's so excited. Mouse is already planning something although I don't know what. And Hank...well, he would drown us in the lake if he wasn't allowed to walk me down the aisle. But you know, I'd love to marry you right here, right now, in jeans and this flannel.″

″You don't want to see me in a nice suit?″ Jay smirked. ″Because I have to be a little selfish here as I want to see my hot woman in a gorgeous wedding dress on our wedding day and not in a flannel.″

″Yeah, I guess I want to see my handsome man in a wedding suit as well,″ she grinned and wondered whether she was drooling because only imagining Jay in a suit let her heart beat faster and her mind go places.

″Awesome, glad we agreed on that,″ Jay laughed before he remembered how this conversation has started at all. ″Let's marry here then,″ he murmured into her ear with the softest of voices. ″In July. Surrounded by our family and friends.″

Erin got out of his embrace, carefully to not wake her sleeping baby up, and sat up right in front of him. ″Really?″

″If this is what you want,″ Jay smiled.

″Jay, our wedding should be what we both want, not what I want.″

″Er, I never thought about the possibility of marrying anywhere else than Chicago, other than the cabin maybe which is too far away, but this,″ he said and let his gaze wander around, seeing with his mind's eye how he would say 'I do' here in some short months, ″is perfect and more beautiful than any location in Chicago. Let's find out about the possible venues around here tomorrow,″ he said and leaned in to place a soft but long kiss on her lips, his excitement and anticipation taking command of him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

In the evening Erin found herself on the bench on their balcony, soaking in this fresh air of pure nature while answering various birthday messages, the blanket wrapped around her shoulders again as she waited for Jay, who was in charge to bring Emmy to bed, to watch the rest of the sun go down and the stars appear on the firmament.

″She's finally asleep,″ he said when he joined her, carrying a small bottle of champaign and two glasses in his hands.

″Uhm, what exactly are you planning, Mr. Halstead?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows as she looked at the bottle.

″I know you're breastfeeding and not allowed to drink alcohol, but to celebrate this special day I thought we could make an exception and you could drink three or four sips,″ he said and sat down right next to her, pressing a kiss on her temple.

″I think three sips won't harm,″ she smirked and watched him opening the bottle. ″But really not more than that,″ she said when he filled the sparkling liquid into the glass.

″Here's to you,″ Jay said when he clinked his glass with Erin's and leaned in. ″Happy Birthday,″ he whispered against her lips and kissed her shortly before they sipped on their drinks.

The cool liquid ran down Erin's throat, the first time that she tasted any kind of alcohol since last June when she hadn't known she was already pregnant, and while she'd really missed her beloved coffee during her pregnancy she couldn't say that she'd missed alcohol as much. Maybe things would be different if this was a beer and not champaign, as she's always been one for the beer or the hard stuff, but maybe any kind of alcohol just wasn't her thing anymore, though she could imagine herself drinking a beer while watching some game with Jay a couple months from now.

″I'll go in and bring the rest of the strawberries, that should go well with the champaign,″ he said and got up.

″Uh-huh, that's what the fancy people do,″ Erin sassed and watched him disappear in the room. It only took him a couple of seconds to return, carrying not only the bowl with strawberries in his hand but also a present wrapped in fancy paper, which almost had the same size as her first present this morning.

″Soooo, I guess you didn't get your birthday present yet,″ Jay smirked when he sat down next to her again.

″Uhm, being here with you and Emmy is my birthday present, isn't it?″ Erin frowned.

″Not quite,″ he chuckled and handed her the present.

″You're crazy,″ she smiled as she took it from his hands. She wasn't used to get overflowed with so many incredible presents on her birthday because there'd been times when no one even remembered that it was her birthday, when there'd been no cake, no candles, no flowers, no presents, not even some nice words or any other kind of acknowledgement that this was a day that was supposed to be celebrated. When Teddy had been too young to understand and Bunny had been too high to even remember whether it was Sunday or Wednesday, whether it was March or April, when being with some random, addicted, abusive guy who was able to give her the drugs she craved for had been all she cared for. And so her first real birthday celebration had been in the Voight-househald a couple of months after she'd moved in with them, when they all celebrated her 16th birthday with cake and presents and lots of laughters. When Camille had made the best birthday cake she'd ever seen. Just for her.

″Maybe it's just another hint,″ Jay teased her and she was thankful that he interrupted her dark and saddening thoughts with the usual hint of sass in his voice.

″Don't you dare,″ Erin chuckled and teared the paper apart, wondering whether her fiancé was really a devil and would keep her searching for her present for the remainder of the evening.

She opened the lit of the box that was revealed after unwrapping and the first thing she saw was...a piece of paper and some cotton wool. She unfolded the paper quickly, preparing herself for another hint that told her where she needed to keep on searching but she was surprised when she read the simple caption _I love you._

Her favorite three words in the world and hearing him saying them or now reading them written by him was pure heart-balm and she knew it would forever be. These three little words, one of them in particular, were able to make her heart skip a beat easily every single time. _Love_.

It was such a small word but the meaning behind it was bigger than anything else, especially for her. As a child and a teen she'd never thought that she deserved to be loved, that she was worth getting any love. Only when she'd moved in with Hank and Camille she'd learned what love was, had learned to accept the love other people were giving her, had learned to let other people love her, though reluctantly in the beginning. She'd learned that she was worth to be loved. They had laid the path with showing her what love was in general, but still, she hadn't known, hadn't understood what _love_ really was, what _loving_ someone and getting the same love back really was and what _real_ love did with people until Jay had stepped into her life. When he'd shown her how it was to be loved by a man unconditionally, when he'd shown her that _love_ was greater than everything she ever had expected from a word that only consisted of four letters.

Erin still stared at the little note in her hand and only realized that silent tears were running down her cheeks when one of them fell on the paper and blurred parts of the writing.

″Hey, what's going on?″ Jay asked all soft but couldn't hide his concern. He brushed his thumb over her cheek to wipe her tears away.

″I just love you, that's all,″ she whispered and sniffed, despite all of her emotions offering him a faint and shy smile. ″So so so so much,″ she added and pressed her moist lips against his. It started soft and slow, Jay parting his lips and returning the kiss but their kiss quickly melted into something deeper, driven by pure passion. And love.

When Erin broke the kiss to catch some air her tears were dried and when Jay looked into her face and her glassy eyes, a roguish smile covering her lips, he was sure he's never seen her eyes looking this vulnerable and soft at the same time before.

″I love you, too,″ he murmured and brushed his lips against hers briefly before he let out a soft chuckle. ″I think you should check that box again because you might've missed your actual present.″

″Ouh,″ Erin stammered, her cheeks blushing a little. Jay loved it when this happened as it made her more adorable than she already was. ″I would totally have gone with that little note, you know?″ she grinned at him, displaying her dimples, which he loved even more than her cheeks blushing.

″Good to know,″ Jay winked jokingly while Erin looked for her actual present that was hidden under the cotton wool.

″Oh my God, Jay,″ she gasped, ″they are beautiful...and exactly the ones I wanted,″ she said when she saw all the golden, matching earrings for her various earlobe piercings and stroked over them in awe. She'd seen them while browsing through the web three or four weeks back when Emilia had been sleeping and she'd been bored, and she'd loved them instantly.

″I know,″ he grinned in response. ″You can leave internet pages like this one open on the iPad more often, makes things easier for me.″

″I did that on purpose,″ she joked.

″Smart,″ he chuckled.

″No seriously,″ she said and took her eyes away from her present to look at the man who'd really made this day her best birthday in ages, maybe her best ever. ″Thank you Jay. For this perfect present and for taking me here and for everything in general. Thank you,″ she said and leaned in to kiss him softly but longingly at the same time. Jay placed his hand on her neck and brushed his thumb along her earlobe which was enough to send chills down Erin's spine in the most positive way. She could feel heat crawling up inside of her body and the more intense their kisses got, the more her heartbeat quickened. Her hands found one of their favorite spots behind his neck, craddling his head when she straddled him and peppered kisses along his jaw.

They continued their foreplay on the balcony for a little while longer, until to the point they both got impatient and needed more than just kissing and touching and definitely less of their clothes in between them so they could feel each other's skin. When Jay got up, because there was no way they would do it right here on the balcony, he lifted Erin up with him, her legs wrapped around his waist and holding on him proprietorial. He carried her inside, straight to the bathroom, where they could continue their foreplay with undressing each other slowly and teasingly, their lips only parting when they had to, while the huge corner bath tub, which was their actual destination, filled with warm water. The blanket, that had still been wrapped around Erin's body and shoulders and had been supposed to keep them both warm while watching the stars appear, fell down to the tiled floor first, because honestly: who needed to watch the stars when you could hold your very own star in your arms and show them how much you loved them...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hi, how can I help you?″ a young, blonde woman welcomed them with an ecstatic voice a couple of seconds after they'd stepped into the local wedding agency on the following day. Erin gazed around, her eyes falling on the various wedding photos on the walls, which braced her wish to marry here, although the young woman, who was a wedding planner apparently, was too walsy-palsy with them in her opinion. But she sensed this had to do with her job and was the attitude every wedding planner had.

″Uhm, we're going to marry and we'd like to have the ceremony and the reception here,″ Jay answered and squeezed Erin's hand.

″Alright,″ the young woman smiled. ″I think we sit down over there,″ she said and motioned her head towards one of the desks where they sat down a moment later. Jay placed Emilia's car seat down on the floor next to his chair, and the blonde, who introduced herself as Rachel, brought them two glasses of water and each of them a cappuccino. After a little bit of smalltalk, mostly about Emilia because a baby was always great to talk about, they fortunately got right to the point why they were here. All they wanted was to find a location somewhere around the lake, maybe talk about some details and then leave again so they could enjoy their getaway with nicer things than sitting in an agency while the sun was shining from the blue skies outside.

″So, tell me about your plans,″ Rachel said, once again offering them a bright smile. ″What do you want, what do you imagine? How many guests will you have approximately and when do you want to marry?″

″We want to keep it small and intimate, only with our closest friends and family, so we'll definitely not be more than 35 people, maybe even less. And five of them are kids three years or younger,″ Erin answered, exchanging glances with Jay who nodded approvingly. ″We'd like to have the ceremony somewhere close by the lake, a nice place in the middle of nowhere preferably, surrounded by water and trees and flowers...″ her voice trailed off because she had a pretty perfect picture in her head how she wanted to marry.

″We have a lot of nice places here and I'm sure we'll find the perfect one for you,″ Rachel smiled excitedly. ″I can show them to you in a bit, I just need to know when you guys want to marry.″

″July,″ Jay said.

″Perfect month for a wedding,″ Rachel exclaimed. ″This leaves us plenty of time to plan your wedding and there should still be some venues available for July 2018.″

″Uhm, no no no,″ Jay spluttered, looking to Erin to figure out whether he'd heard right, but her facial expression was just as confused as his own. ″We meant this July. As in three months.″

″Ouh,″ Rachel breathed out, her face changing from being all smiles to that I-don't-have-good-news-for-you face. ″I'm sorry but we're fully booked out for the summer. People book their weddings here more than one year in advance.″

″They do?″ Erin asked, inwardly admiring the people who could plan their lives over a year in advance because she was more one for the last-minute decisions. Which wasn't the best attitude in this case and she got a little sad that the dream of marrying here was coming to a sudden end now. Though maybe it's been a little naiive of them to just walk in here and expect to organize a wedding within less than four months, especially since this was such a beautiful place that was apparently very popular for weddings.

″Yeah,″ Rachel nodded.

″Should we wait a year?″ Jay asked Erin.

″No way,″ she answered and shook her head. ″I'm not going to wait another year to call you my husband,″ she grinned, her heart-eyes confirming her statement. God, Jay loved it that she was all in and commited and couldn't wait for him to be her husband. Because he also counted down the days until he could introduce her to others as his wife, as Erin Halstead. What a beautiful ring.

″What about you though?″ Erin's voice interrupted these wonderful thoughts. ″Do you want to wait so we can marry here?″

″No. I mean it's beautiful here but I would marry you in an old cow barn if this was the only possibility to marry you this July, so we'll find another place,″ he smirked at her.

″A cow barn? Well, doesn't that sound charming?″ Erin chuckled, for a moment forgetting that they sat in front of the wedding planner who was sort of devastated that she couldn't give the couple the wedding they dreamed about.

″Yep,″ Jay grinned. ″I mean it would be something different,″ he winked before he turned his attention to Rachel again. ″I'm sorry but I guess we're just wasting our time here.″

″I'm sorry that I can't give you better news,″ she answered. All the excitement in her voice was gone and she seemed to be sadder than Erin and Jay.

″No big deal, really,″ Jay assured her. ″It was just a spontaneous idea yesterday, a little too spontaneous in this case,″ he added and got up from the chair and so did Erin.

They thanked Rachel for her efforts and said goodbye before they walked out of the agency to enjoy their day outside in nature that surrounded them.

″You sad?″ Jay asked Erin as soon as they were outside. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer so he could brush a kiss against her temple.

″A little. It wasn't meant to be I guess,″ she shrugged. ″It was a nice thought to marry here but I have to agree with you, in the end it doesn't matter where we marry.″

″Chicago is quite nice, too.″

″It definitely is,″ she smiled. ″So what's the plan for today? Eating ice cream in that cute little town you talked about at breakfast?″

″Erin, Jay,″ they heard Rachel's voice calling before Jay was able to give Erin an answer. They both looked at each other in confusion before they turned around to see her standing at the front entrance of the wedding agency, waving her hands excitedly.

″I might have something for you,″ she called.

Jay looked at Erin for a brief moment, not sure what they should do about it as they just had decided to marry in their hometown. ″Shall we give it a shot?″

″She seems pretty convinced that her idea is great,″ Erin chuckled, motioning her head to Rachel who was still waving for them to come back. ″Let's give her another chance,″ she added before they crossed the street again to join the younger woman.

″I think you'll love this,″ Rachel smiled overjoyed and guided them inside again so they could take the same spots they'd left a couple of minutes ago. ″I felt so bad for you guys, like I destroyed all of your plans, so I kept on thinking and thought about all the possible places and then I had this sudden flash of thought about this one place a couple miles from here. It's not really one of our venues, just some place we could use. But there's never been a wedding there before because it's quite small and people always wanted the well-known places and it's a little bit in the middle of nowhere but it's definitely possible to arrange a wedding there, even in just three months. In the evening you can see perfect sunsets there and there are trees and the lake is close by,″ she rambled and Erin got worried that she would suffocate any second if she kept on talking because it seemed like she forgot to breathe. ″But let me show you,″ she smiled, finally letting out a long breath before she turned the monitor of her computer to them...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The following days until they had to leave this little paradise on Sunday morning, because they had to be somewhere else by the afternoon Erin had no clue about yet, went by in a flash, much to their displeasure. They tried to spend as much time outside as possible and explored different areas all around the lake, hiking some lake trails and having lunch at a nice lake restaurant with a big patio on Thursday. After a long and cold winter it was one of the best feelings to finally be able to be outside without thick winter jackets and the fear to freeze to death regardless how much you were wearing.

While walking along the lake and watching the boats sailing on the soft waves, Erin finally used the chance to tell Jay about her conversation with Ms Lewis and asked him what he thought about the idea that their neighbor would become their something like their nanny. Although Jay didn't know her too well and had only seen her in the staircase a couple of times, he absolutely liked the idea of having their nanny in the same building and as he was also quite touched by the older woman's tragic story he loved the idea even more because Emilia could maybe be able to bring some joy back into her life. So they agreed on approaching their neighbor as soon as they were back home.

On Friday, the one day it was cloudy and foggy and raining slightly, they first went back to the wedding agency and then spent the better part of the day in their hotel, enjoying the benefits of the spa area, both of them getting a long massage to loosen the knots in their uptight backs and shoulders, and swimming some rounds in the indoor pool. The rest of the day until it was time for dinner was then spent with cuddling with Emilia, making nonsense with her or showing her the two stuffies and stuffed rattle they'd brought. She was all alert now, recognizing more and more things around her and already reached for the toys, especially the stuffed Eeyore, although it was way too big for her because she seriously adored this gift she'd gotten from Hank on the day of her birth.

And after enjoying another beautiful spring day with spending the majority outside, on Saturday evening, around the time when the sun slowly started to go down, they went to a very special place to meet Rachel there and used this perfect low sunlight to take some very special photos for some very special invitations...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Emilia's quite cooing interrupted Erin's dreams during this last night at Lake Geneva. Just as always she heard her daughter within a heartbeat and untangled herself from the sheets quickly. She glanced to Jay's side of the bed, checking whether he was awake as well, but he seemed to sleep deeply, his mind probably far away on a foreign place in dreamland.

She walked over to the crib and picked Emilia, who was all bundled in her sleeping bag, up. She knew her crying and this wasn't how it sounded when she was hungry or had a diaper problem but it was rather the kind of crying that showed her parents she was unpleased about the situation. So Erin grabbed Emilia's cozy blanket that hung over the chair next to the crib and wrapped it around her and also reached for the blanket they'd used to keep themselves warm at their picnic. She tried to be as quiet as possible when she opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside into the fresh air that smelled of spring although it was long after midnight.

Emilia's whimpering stopped as soon as they were outside. During the last few days since they've been here, they'd figured out that their daughter seemed to settle better during the night when she was surrounded by lots of fresh air. In case general dissatisfaction was the only thing that made her unhappy.

″How's that Emmy?″ Erin whispered and wrapped the big blanket tightly around herself and Emilia as well so they both wouldn't get cold.

″It's so nice here, right?″ she asked and followed her daughter's glance and looked up to the starry sky which seemed to be especially clear and beautiful tonight.

″Look at all those stars,″ she said, rocking Emilia gently so she would maybe drift back to sleep within the next few minutes. ″If I listened to your daddy correctly this should be the Orion,″ she said and pointed to the famous constellation on the dark sky. ″And over there, that should be the Great Bear,″ she said, a smile rushing over her face as she remembered how Jay, her nerdy boyfriend, had told her about all the constellations during a stroll along the Lake Front to the Aquarium in a mild fall night a couple of days into their relationship. She'd been quite impressed by how much he knew about stars and planets and the space and she'd loved how he had wrapped his arms around her from behind, his stubble scratching the soft skin of her cheeks while he tried to show her what he saw and she tried to see what he was showing her, Jay always using the occasion to sneak a kiss onto her cheek or temple before their lips had finally melted in a passionate kiss under the stars.

″You remember how I told you we're the luckiest girls in the world, Emmy?″ Erin asked her daughter, looking down to her two-and-a-half month old again, the deepest of gratitude overcoming her. Gratitude not only for the bundle of life she was allowed to call her daughter but also for Jay, the man who'd shown her that life and this whole world were beautiful. Still did in fact. Like with this weekend getaway. Like giving his all day after day just to make her happy. After having struggled with her life for so long, for once her lucky stars have meant well for her and there was nothing she was more grateful for than for whichever lucky star had brought this incredible man into her life.

″That's because of our lucky stars that are up there, shining down on us. Especially because of the lucky stars that brought your daddy into my life to stay, ″ Erin said hoarsly, only thinking about how beyond lucky she was to have found her partner in crime giving her a whole bunch of emotions.

″What are you two doing here?″ she suddenly heard Jay's voice from behind. She turned around, saw him leaning in the doorway in the faint light of the full moon, a tired smile, that expressed so much love, covering his features.

She gave him a smile that seemed to be faint and bright at once, swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked away the tears that welled in her eyes. ″Just thanked my lucky stars that they brought you into my life...″ she whispered and lost herself in Jay's tight embrace a second later...

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter full of fluff :) Please leave a review and let me know what you think, thanks!  
**


	52. Colorful Life

****Here's your broken record again, thank y'all for the feedback and ongoing support! Hope you'll enjoy this one! :)****

* * *

 ** **52\. Colorful Life****

They returned to Chicago on the afternoon of Easter Sunday, both of them feeling insanely better and so much more relaxed than before their little getaway and Erin still struggled in expressing her gratitude for these amazing four days because Jay had once again exactly known what she'd needed most. Some downtime with her family to take her mind off, escaping the daily grind and regain her energy. Just in time before she would return to the bullpen on Monday and face brutal crimes and broken people again on almost a daily basis.

Back in the familar streets of Chicago and much to Erin's surprise Jay didn't drive to their apartment building but right to Hank's house in the outskirts and she immediately sensed that her whole birthday surprise would find its end at her former home. A thought that made her heart jump in excitement.

″What are we doing here?″ she grinned at her fiancé.

″What do you think we're doing here?″ Jay winked, once more completely enjoying it to tease her because he knew and she didn't. A fact that was quite amusing because he knew it drove her nuts.

″Visiting Hank, apparently,″ she answered all dry.

″See, you figured that out all yourself,″ he sassed and got out of the car to unbuckle Emilia's car seat.

″I'm a smart kid, you know?″ Erin smirked back as she opened the other door across him to reach for the diaper bag which has been their constant, daily companion ever since the 1st of February.

″Of course I do,″ he laughed, took the car seat with the sleeping baby and walked around the car to slip his fingers in between Erin's before they crossed the street and made their way through Hank's front yard to the big wooden door.

″Finally,″ Hank welcomed them when he opened the door, a warm, almost unknown smile greeting them.

″Yeah sorry. The princess got somewhat grumpy during the car ride and we had to make a longer stop at a highway rest stop,″ Jay explained.

″Is this true or did he drive like an 80-year-old?″ Hank grinned to Erin while Jay grimaced dramatically. Some things would never change. Like Hank enjoying to tease him. Although he liked this kind of tease much more than the 'keep-it-in-your-pants-tease' or the 'I'll-drown-you-in-the-lake-in-case-you-touch-her-tease' back in the days. Though it might had not been teasing in first place but rather his boss being dead serious and really cutting his life on this earth short in case he dared to touch his pseudo-daughter.

″The latter,″ Erin laughed jokingly, flashing Jay the most innocent grin.

″Yeah, that's what I thought,″ Hank nodded and gave Jay a fatherly pat on the back. ″But now come on in, there are lots of people already waiting for you, kiddo.″

They followed Hank through the house and when they reached the patio Erin recognized that lots of people were in fact all their team members plus, and her heart filled with even more happiness although she hadn't thought that this was possible, Justin and his family. A BBQ with her _whole_ family - minus the Halstead part - just like they had always had once a month during the spring, summer and fall when Camille had still been with them but they've _never_ had ever since the woman she called mother had left them way too early. And now, for her birthday, this tradition of Sunday BBQ's at Voight's seemed to make a comeback. Her heart wanted to jump out of her chest in happiness once more because this meant more to her than anyone could possibly imagine.

″Look who I found in front of my door,″ Hank called and suddenly all the attention was on Erin and Jay and baby Emilia. And although her birthday had been on Wednesday, they all started to sing Happy Birthday right away, as if they had trained it, and Erin felt tears coming up. Not because they didn't quite strike the right notes here and there, but because the feeling of being loved by so many overwhelmed her as did the memories of the last time they'd had a BBQ on this exact same patio with Camille Voight running inside the house and back outside all the time just to make sure her guests had everything they needed. She'd without a doubt always been the best host in the neighborhood, maybe even the best in this city. While Hank had always been the master of the grill. Naturally.

″Happy belated birthday,″ they all yelled and before Erin could say something she had to take some deep breaths first so her voice wouldn't be all shaky.

″Thank you guys, you are the best,″ she said hoarsely nonetheless but was also smiling brightly, and was then hugged by everyone while only the best wishes were whispered into her ear for this new year of her life.

The last one to congratulate and embrace her was her sister-in-law Olive. ″Happy belated birthday, Erin.″

″Thank you.″

″And congrats in personal to your little princess. She's a cutie pie,″ she said, motioning her head to Jay, who had Emilia resting against his shoulder while talking with Antonio and Adam.

″Thanks. She's just growing too fast,″ Erin sighed, gazing at her daughter who'd definitely left the newborn-stage behind her and would reach new milestones week by week now.

″Don't they all?″ Olive asked as her gaze now fell on Daniel who was playing in the sandbox with his father. ″I can't believe he'll be two next month. It feels like yesterday that I gave birth to him and now he's going to be a big brother soon,″ she said and her hand dropped to her super round stomach.

″Does he understand what's happening?″ Erin asked.

″Kind of. He understands that there's a baby inside and sometimes he wants to give the baby a kiss or stroke my stomach but I don't think that he really understands that the baby won't stay in my stomach forever but will be here soon,″ she said. ″I just hope it will be smooth sailing and that he won't feel neglected and get jealous though I know it's a normal process.″

″It's a big change for him but I'm sure he'll be an amazing big brother as soon as he's used to the new situation,″ Erin said and gave her an encouraging smile. ″When are you due?″

″July 17th,″ Olive answered.

″Really?″ Erin asked and her eyes fell on Olive's stomach. This was what she'd looked like around 35 weeks and doing the math quickly she figured out Olive was only around 27 weeks.

″Yeah I know,″ Olive laughed. ″People already asked me whether I'm having twins when I told them how far along I am. But Danny was already a big baby and I guess this one will even be bigger. Plus, with the second one you just show faster and you grow way bigger, you'll maybe experience it yourself one day,″ she winked.

″Uh-huh, maybe,″ Erin nodded, smiling back of necessity because this was something she didn't want to think or talk about yet. One was enough for now and maybe it was enough forever.

″But maybe it'll be different for you, because holy hell, I wish I'd looked like this not even three months after giving birth,″ she said, an undertone of admiration in her voice as she scanned Erin from head to toes. ″You already have your pre-baby weight back?″

″Not quite but I'm getting there,″ Erin answered and this time her smile was real. She was proud of what she'd achieved during the last few weeks. Not only did almost all of her pre-pregnancy-clothes almost fit again and was she only around 6 to 7 pounds away from her pre-pregnancy weight thanks to breastfeeding, which really did an outstanding job, and a healthy diet, that consisted of lots of homemade food with vegetables, because yes, she, Erin Lindsay, who had barely been able to boil eggs without that it almost ended in a larger catastrophe before her pregnancy has become quite a solid cook during the last few months. Not as good as Jay and still far away from a kitchen fairy but the things she cooked were healthy and eatable, sometimes more, sometimes less because it still happened that she overcooked the vegetables and had to accept the mushy consistency they turned into. In addition to her healthy diet, hitting the gym two times a week along with attending the zumba class two times a week as well have of course also greatly contributed to her getting back in shape in quite a short amout of time. Her muscles have strengthened steadily and the abs on her stomach have slowly been making a comeback. But she still had a bit of way to go.

″You know I have to buy a wedding dress within the next couple of weeks, so I have to give my best that my body then looks like how I want it to look like in July as well,″ she added and with mentioning the wedding they had another topic they could talk about for a little while. And when Olive got worried that she couldn't attend the wedding because of the possibility that her due date collided with the wedding date, Erin just smiled and said that she shouldn't worry because she was sure that things would work out just fine but she held back from giving any details away yet. They all would get to know about all the details soon enough.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After finishing her conversation with Olive she joined Justin, the other person she hadn't seen since Christmas, other than some short, occasional skype sessions every once in a while, in the sandbox.

″Well, big sister, how are things going?″ he asked, bumping his shoulder against hers, grinning mischievously at her.

″Everything's perfect,″ she smiled. ″What about you?″

″Same,″ he said.

″And what about you young man?″ she asked Daniel and stroked over his brown hair but he seemed to be busy with playing with his little monster trucks. ″Huh, Danny? No happy birthday for your auntie Erin?″

He looked up to her for a brief moment and smiled a little, his blue eyes reminding Erin of one person who was dearly missed today. Every day in fact. ″No,″ he said and gave his attention to his trucks and the sand again.

″You have a real nice kid,″ Erin laughed.

″I know,″ Justin chuckled. ″They're just lovely in that age.″

″Honest at least,″ Erin grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded in response before he turned his gaze from Daniel to Erin. ″Emilia is absolutely adorable by the way. I have to say you did a good job,″ he grinned boyishly.

″Why thank you. But team effort, you know?″ she joked.

″Looks completely like you though be-″

″Besides of her eyes, yeah I know. I hope she has at least Jay's character because I'm not sure whether it'll be that much fun if she has mine,″ Erin laughed, imagining that if her daughter had also inherrited her stubborn, sassy, character they would most probably clash on a daily basis when she got older. It was something she actually didn't want to imagine and luckily there were still about 12 years in between before things would get tough regarding any heated, teenage discussions and arguments.

″Well, that would definitely be fun,″ Justin teased her. ″No seriously Erin, you look happy and that's the greatest thing to see.″

″I am,″ she nodded pensively. ″This life with Jay and Emilia is everything. It finally makes me feel complete. I guess you know what I mean, right?″

″I do,″ Justin also nodded. ″Olive and Danny changed my life and helped me immensely to get my shit together. Without them...who knows where I'd be by now...and now we're having another little one, it's unreal.″

″Who had thought five years ago that we would sit here today, in Hank's garden to finally have a Sunday BBQ again and each of us having a child? That we are a family again like we were during the time when I was 17 and you were 10, when we had a colorful life and everything was close to perfection before things turned black-and-white?″

″I didn't,″ Justin answered shortly before they fell into a moment of silence, both of them dedicating themselves to their own thoughts and watching Daniel letting his trucks drive down from a small sandhill. ″We're having another boy.″

″You do?″ Erin asked, a bright smile appearing back on her face.

″Yeah,″ Justin also smiled. ″We learned it during our last appointment because finally the little guy wasn't as shy anymore and showed us his...jewels,″ he chuckled. ″We're going to name him Henry. But don't tell anyone, this is supposed to be a secret, especially from Dad.″

″Scout's honor,″ Erin grinned.

″And my base granted my redeployment to Chicago, so we'll move back in June just in time before the birth.″

″Are you kidding me?″ she asked in response and her smile grew even bigger than before.

″Nope,″ Justin grinned just as bright. ″We actually not only used this Easters weekend to visit dad but also for house hunting.″

″I can't believe it,″ Erin said and shook her head before she leaned against Justin's shoulder to rest her head right there. ″This day just keeps getting better.″

Their little brother-sister moment was short-lived when Erin heard Emilia's familiar I'm-hungry-or-had-a-diaper-accident-crying resounding from the patio and she lifted her head from Justin's shoulder to see that her baby looked really unsatisfied, not because Adam was currently holding her but more likely because she was hungry since it's been a while since Erin had nursed her last at the highway rest stop.

″I guess my little lady needs to eat,″ Erin sighed and got up to join the rest of the gang on the patio and look what made her baby girl crying. Maybe it _was_ Adam's presence after all. This would be too hilarious.

″Hey Emmy, you're hungry, right?″ she soothed and took her from Adam's into her own arms. ″Yeah, you are I know, but we'll fix that,″ she whispered against her head before saying to Jay, who was standing right next to Adam: ″I'll go upstairs with her.″

″Erin, you can also nurse her here, that's no problem,″ Adam said generously, a dorky grin covering his face.

″Sorry to desillusion you, but you're not going to see my boobs, Ruzek,″ Erin answered all dry, threw him a super sweet look and then disappeared inside of the house.

″What...nooo...I didn't mean...″ Adam spluttered, Jay and Antonio already cracking up.

″Sorry bro,″ Antonio snorted when he was able to breathe again. ″But the queen of sass struck again.″

″Some things never change,″ Jay also laughed and gave him a pat on the back, inwardly celebrating his ever-sassy fiancée for beating Adam once again. He couldn't wait to witness their little fights on a regular basis again from tomorrow on.

″Jay, come on over,″ Hank called from the grill where he took care of the steaks and burgers.

″What did you do now again?″ Antonio joked, almost as if it was still standard that Voight barked at him or gave him a telling off although it wasn't, and gave his friend an encouraging pat on the back.

″Coming,″ Jay called back and joined his boss – father-in-law – at the grill. ″What's up?″ he asked as soon as he was next to him, watching him turn the meat.

″Just wanted to check, how was Lake Geneva?″ he asked casually.

″Perfect,″ Jay answered shortly, eyeing his boss – father-in-law – from the side to figure out where this conversation was about to head. ″We had a great time and being out of here did Erin good.″

″Yeah, I figured that. She's beaming,″ Hank noticed. ″Which makes me wonder: did you tell her about our secret?″

 _So that's where this is going_ , Jay thought. Now it made sense that his boss – father-in-law – wanted to talk to him in private. ″Of course I didn't,″ he answered honestly. It had been the hardest to keep _this_ from her these last few days but he'd promised it and he wouldn't stab Hank in the back. In addition, this was really Hank's announcement to make, not his, so he'd kept his mouth shut although he'd just wanted to blurt it out in front of her.

″Huh,″ Hank only grunted in response and Jay wondered whether he really hadn't expected him to keep their secret. ″Thank you Jay,″ he then added and looked directly into his eyes, this statement catching Jay off guard somehow because he was sure he'd never heard him thanking him like this and instead of being happy about his boss's gratitude he felt nervousness crawling up inside of him. It wasn't Hank Voight to thank him in such a way for something like this.

″Uhm, sure...no worries,″ he spluttered.

″I didn't mean for keeping the secret,″ he said, a typical Hank-Voight-smile spreading over his lips for a second as he sensed his detective's – son-in-law's – nervousness. This would forever be a reason to smile for him. _Forever_.

″You didn't?″ Jay asked back, more because of he didn't know what else to say.

″I wanted to thank you for everything you do for Erin. After everything that went down with Bunny she could've spiraled down or ran away again but she didn't and when there's one thing I know for sure then it's that she didn't because of you. You changed her Jay. Emilia does her part as well of course but you were there before Emilia and the person she is now, she's mainly thanks to you. So thank you for keeping her happy, Jay and for doing everything for her happiness, for her to be her best self. This really means a lot to me and knowing that she has you makes me feel less anxious about whatever life might still throw at her because you're her back-up in the most important way and I _know_ you will _always_ catch her before she falls.″

Jay wasn't sure whether he was about to fall over or to jump in the air. If he didn't know it better he'd say Hank's words had basically been a love declaration for his new son-in-law. And other than his blessing to marry her, this had been the most important words he'd ever told him. Maybe they were in fact even worth more than his blessing. Because Hank was not only accepting him, with acceptance maybe being the main reason for allowing him to marry her back in December. But he liked him and had more than just come around the thought that he had to deal with him being a full family member because Jay was here to stay. Much more, for the first time Jay had the feeling that Hank _really_ appreciated and valued him with all his heart.

″Always...″ he rambled as words failed him. ″She means everything to me and her happiness is mine.″

″I know,″ Hank nodded pensively. He knew this kind of love too well. It was that kind of love he and Camille had shared. Always being the reason for each other's happiness and sadness and joy and tears. It was that kind of love that broke you in case you would ever lose it and he prayed that neither Erin nor Jay ever had to go through this. Through being left behind.

They fell into an awkward silence and so Jay only nodded once again, mainly because words _still_ failed him, before turning around to head back to the boys and let all these words sink in.

″Hey Jay,″ Hank called and Jay spun around again, looking at Hank with furrowed brows for the second time within the last five minutes.

″Yeah?″ he asked expectantly.

″You're not only a good guy but also a great dad,″ he smirked. Well, maybe now it was definitely time for Jay to fall over. These kind of compliments within the short of five minutes were definitely too much.

″Uuuhm...thank you,″ he stammered, almost feeling like an idiot because within these last five minutes he's been stammering more in front of him than within the past year.

″Just thought I'd tell you,″ Hank said casually and Jay wondered whether he still waited for him to actually fall over. ″I know women get to hear all the time what great mothers they are because they're doing the main job but people always seem to forget that there are two people involved and that the fathers are also doing quite the job. So they deserve to hear this from time to time as well,″ he explained his reasonings for this unexpected compliment. ″My granddaughter is very lucky to have you as a father, Jay.″

Jay couldn't believe that this was really happening and if his hand wouldn't firm around the ceiling, he might would really have fallen over by now, regardless of all these nice words for sure very much to Hank's pleasure. Hank paying compliments was a rare thing and it only happened when something really impressed him. But Hank paying _him_ compliments was even rarer and always had to do with work. 'Good job, Jay' was quite the standard and was as much as he would get. He couldn't deny that his heart swelled with pride in his chest by this unexpected compliment. And Hank was right, it really did his heart good to hear these words coming from someone he'd never expected to tell him something like this. _He was a great father_. These words would resound in his ears for the next decade.

″Thank you,″ Jay finally managed to say. ″This uhm...this really means a lot,″ he smiled faintly.

″Uh-huh,″ Hank smirked once more before he handed the still perplex Jay the barbeque tongs. ″Can you take over the grill for a bit?″ he asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world. ″Danny wanted to show me his sand buildings.″

″Sure,″ Jay nodded, trying to hide his surprise and not to stammer once again. Hank Voight, the master of the grill, who, how Erin had told him, had _never_ let anyone even come close to the grill before, has just made him the man in charge for the steaks and burgers. _What the hell was happening today?!_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They used this celebration of Erin's birthday on Easter Sunday for the first BBQ of the season, the first Voight-BBQ in years, and each of their team members had prepared a side dish they could eat with the steaks or the burgers while sharing stories about Lake Geneva, about kids and siblings and family and friends, while laughing about Adam's and Kevin's stupid jokes. It was needless to say that everyone enjoyed their time with their chosen family and that moments like this one were exactly the reason why the team of the Intelligence Unit was so strong and unbreakable.

Later in the evening, when it was already almost dark outside, the garden enlighted by some lanterns, and when Emilia and Daniel were already upstairs to sleep, Hank and Antonio brought a giant cake with enlightened sprinklers to the patio and placed it on the table. Once again Erin had to swallow hardly because she hadn't expected this at all. Yet she had no idea how soon she wouldn't be able to keep herself together anymore.

″So,″ Hank said after the oh's and ah's had hushed and after Erin had had the chance to see the words that were written on the icing of the cake. _Happy Birthday and Welcome Back!_

″We're here today for various reasons, kiddo,″ he started his speech and looked directly to Erin, whose eyes were sparkling with grateful, unshed tears. ″Your birthday is one of them and the other one is that you'll be back in the bullpen tomorrow. Not for visiting us or supplying us with pizza and outtake or cheering us up, but for finally working the cases with us again.″

″Yay!″

″Finally,″ the others cheered and Erin's cheeks blushed a little because it seemed like they'd all missed her more than she'd imagined, _although_ she'd been a regular guest at the 21st, visiting her favorite team at least once a week to bring them lunch and also seeing them when she'd picked up Jay so they could use the evenings he had off on time to take a stroll or go out for dinner.

″But there's a third reason for us to celebrate today,″ Hank said and made a dramatic pause to make sure that everyone was listening to him when he was dropping the bomb. ″Last week I got the green light from the Ivory Tower that you both can stay in Intelligence after your wedding and that there'll be no interference with whom I partner you guys up. My unit, my rules and Halstead and Lindsay will stay a thing in the bullpen for the days that you both work.″

While everyone around her laughed and cheered Erin's mouth dropped open by his words in astonishment and while she asked herself whether she'd heard right, tears were already welling in her eyes again and this time she didn't try to hold them back. Because it were tears of emotion and her team members, who had seen her at her best and at her worst, could very well see how entirely happy she was about these news.

″Are...you...serious?″ Erin asked hoarsely, feeling how Jay stroked over her thigh supportingly.

″Absolutely,″ Hank smirked.

″You have no idea how much this means to me,″ Erin said and got up to literally fall into Hank's embrace and hug him tightly. She was allowed to stay in Intelligence, to work with her husband, her father and all the other people she cherished and called family. And most importantly, the only person she wanted to be her back-up for the rest of her life, in any life-situation, would stay her back-up and she herself, the only person she _really_ trusted with being Jay's back-up, would become his back-up again. It was nothing against their other team members though, she trusted them all with her life. But there was something special about Jay having her back and she having his, something that only the two of them had, something that was maybe built on their history, something that had maybe formed out of them saving each others lives multiple times already, something that had actually established on their very first day of working together already.

″I do know, kiddo,″ Hank whispered against her head. ″And believe me, I couldn't be happier.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said when she lifted her head and looked at him again and she saw the exact same happiness and the exact same emotions in his eyes that surely were in hers. She knew there must've been something that Hank had had on one of the big guns of the Ivory Tower, most likely on more than just one, but she didn't care how he'd gotten them to agree on her and Jay staying in the same unit and even staying partners and was just genuinely thankful for whatever was documented in one of the files that were hidden in a certain storage facility.

″So here's to Intelligence,″ Antonio said and raised his glass. ″And Erin.″

″And Erin,″ they all chorused and raised their glasses as well.

When the liquid ran down Erin's throat, Hank's arm still wrapped around her shoulder, her smile still brighter than the biggest star, she was sure that water has never tasted better than right now.

″You knew, right?″ Erin asked Jay when she sat down next to him again. She'd figured this out the moment she'd looked at him during the toast. There'd been something in his eyes, in his face, a smile, a sparkle that had revealed him that this wasn't news to him.

″Yeah,″ he nodded, giving her a fond smile and reached for her hand. ″Hank told me last Tuesday. But this was his moment.″

″It was,″ Erin agreed and beamed at him, that kind of smile displaying from her face that could for sure cure the world from all the bad things, before she leaned in to kiss him by brushing her lips softly against his, completely ignoring the fact that probably everyone was watching.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They all sat on the patio and ate cake and told stories until it got too chilly and until they all got reminded that tomorrow was Monday, what meant they had to be at the district by 7.45am. And although the thought of getting up at 6.30 for the first time in months, having breakfast, making Emilia ready for the day and leaving the apartment by 7.30 without forgetting anything important at home kinda freaked Erin out, she crawled into bed all happy that night, that kind of happy that made you smile for no reason. Not only because she was happy about returning to the bullpen regardless all the stress it would cause and bring but because Hank's news today and celebrating her birthday with all the people she loved and most of all the incredible man, who snored quietly next to her, had brought the color back into her life.

It had been black-and-white for a while after Bunny had shown up because she'd drained all the color from it. But Jay had made it his business to take the paint brush and fill her life with color again and with their weekend getaway and the surprise party he of course also had been involved with, it was easy to say that he'd succeeded in an extraordinary manner and that she was indeed back living in her colorful bubble called life...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! :) Let's see how long their lives will stay that colorful :P  
**


	53. Love Is Just A Word

**Thank y'all for your kind words!** **I have to admit, this is one of the chapters I really like myself (doesn't happen often that I'm completely satisfied with my work), so I hope you enjoy it! :)**

 **I hope you like this one :)**

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 **53\. Love Is Just A Word...**

Hank looked at the white envelope in his hands, his name written on front in golden letters in Erin's neat handwriting, a little sticker of two intertwined wedding bands on the left side of his name. While he'd always wondered during the last few months when Erin and Jay would dispatch their wedding invitations and finally do the job properly it was only now, when he held the envelope in his hands, that it became real. His little girl would marry, would commit to a man for the rest of her life. It wasn't like that he wasn't happy for her, because of course he was and Jay Halstead was for sure the most perfect son-in-law he could've wished for, although it had taken him a while to accept that. He was a man who robbed the stars from heaven for her, who took the weight from her shoulders and carried it himself like it was his own, a man who had the unique ability to make her as happy as he'd always wished to see her one day. But he still had to let his girl go in some way.

The girl he'd protected from the day he'd met her for the first time when she'd been 14 years old, looking like a picture of a misery, tiny, with a faked smile and too much make-up, her long brown hair being all scruffy, her eyes, that reflected sheer indifference, looking so much older because of what they'd seen already, but her body still looking like the one of a child though at the same time also already having witnessed more than any body should ever witness in a lifetime.

She'd always played tough and strong and feisty, had always told him that she was fine when it was more than clear that she wasn't, had always told him she could deal with everything life threw at her on her own, that this was her burden. But he'd seen the look behind her eyes, this raw vulnerability she _never_ showed anyone other than maybe her teddybear at night in case she got to spend the night at the place one couldn't really call home but was in any way better than the streets of Chicago or the bed of some guy or the house of a drugdealer friend where she tended to sleep from time to time as well.

And although she hadn't wanted it at first, it became his burden to protect her, to keep her out of lock-up, to save her from her mother's abusive boyfriend. And as she hadn't felt well with getting all these benefits of a cop for free, pretty soon, as in after the second time he'd helped her to get out of the 21st without being charged for theft of food, she'd become his CI, a damn good one, of course also taking the money he'd offered her for a good tip. He'd somehow hoped that she wouldn't buy booze and drugs with it or that it would at least keep her out of some stranger's bed. And indeed, she'd used his money to get food on the table for herself and her little brother but unfortunately it hadn't stopped her from earning money in a different way, one he didn't like at all, hadn't stopped her from spending time with the wrong crowds, like Charlie Pugliese, hadn't stopped her from selling and taking drugs and drinking alcohol so she could stand the things she had to do, so she could forget and ignore the sad and triste life that she lived for a minute when she was in booze- and drug-wonderland.

It had been during a drive home to her mother's abandoned place, after he'd once again solved her troubles with police officers who'd busted her for possesion of marihuana, when she'd opened up to him for the very first time, when she'd told him about her life and her dreams, two things that were as far apart as the Earth from the Moon. This had been the evening when he'd seen something in her that probably no one else had before, when he'd seen something that was worth fighting for, no matter how hard it would get. Because she was not only smart, way too smart for the life she lived, she also had a huge heart, going beyond her own limits just to keep her little brother safe and provide him a childhood he deserved, one she hadn't had herself. A heart that was still golden even after all the shit she's been through in her life already. A heart beating in the chest of a girl that deserved the world but was caught in the most miserable life one could imagine. And the worst had been, instead of believing in her dreams, she'd accepted her fate, had accepted that she would most probably end up as a dancer in some strip club or as some whore in a brothel and would one day, maybe even in the near future, die with a needle in her arm because this was the life she'd been born into. This prosaic acceptance, this pure halfheartedness that it made no difference whether she was dead or alive in her opinion because no one cared, this giving up on her dreams because she thought a girl like her would never be able to escape this life of addiction and violence, had been what preyed on Hank's mind most and had him wanting him to help her out even more.

But Erin Lindsay and accepting help have always been two different sides of the coin and so it hadn't been surprising that she'd always shrugged any attempt of him providing her a better life off. Hank however had promised himself to not give up on her that easy, kept on being the man who was there when she needed him, trust building up slowly inside of the girl who wasn't used to trust anyone, not even herself.

And around one-and-a-half years after their first encounter, when her little brother had already been with DCFS, all these little steps had all paid off in the night he got a call from the hospital, that they had found his card in the pocket of a young girl with an overdose, when he'd rushed there to be by her sight, being scared that it was too late already. That night she'd finally accepted that she needed to change her life in case she didn't want to die before she was 20, she'd finally _wanted_ to change her life for the better because she'd escaped death by an inch and had realized she wanted to live, really _live_ , and she'd finally trusted him enough to agree on his suggestion to move in with his wife and his son so she could get a better life, one she deserved. And no matter how hard it had been in the beginning, how often there had been yelling and tears and lectures about rules and doors being slammed, they'd raised her as her own from this day onward. And slowly, her walls and her protective shield had started to fall down, when she'd stopped fighting against the feeling that she didn't deserve a family and that no family should have the burden to handle someone like her, when she'd realized they wouldn't give up on her no matter what and so she somewhen had been able to show them her feelings and gratitude and they'd gotten a daughter in return.

Hank shut his eyes for a moment when all these memories flooded his mind, making him even more emotional than he already was. He knew she didn't need his protection anymore, hasn't needed it for a while already because she'd found herself another protector a while ago, but nonetheless he would forever want to protect her, because sometimes, when he looked at her, he still saw the 14 or 15-year-old version right in front of his eyes.

He took a deep breath, swiped his thumb over the intertwined wedding rings before he slowly opened the envelope and pulled the card out. The moment he saw the picture that was glued on front of the card, he knew why he'd allowed another man to marry his girl at all. He had no idea where they'd taken it but it was perfect in any regard. It seemed like they were at some lake because there were reed and water in the background. The sun was low and the light was perfect, Jay was giving Erin a piggyback ride, her brown waves falling onto her shoulder, her head resting against his cheek, her hands intertwined in front of his chest and they both smiled brightly, though not looking into the camera but somewhere into the direction of the ground. Both of them were wearing casual clothes, Erin a white top and blue plaid flannel, the buttons open, along with black jeans, Jay wearing dark jeans as well plus a light grey henley, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It looked light the most perfect snapshot in history and what shined out was the true happiness that reflected from their faces. Below the picture, a quote was written in golden cursive that was just as perfectly chosen and suited them so damn well:

 _I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me._

After glancing at the photo and the quote for too long, he flipped the card open. On the left side was a collage of three smaller pictures of Erin and Jay, one of them also with Emilia. His eyes roamed the photos for a moment before they fell on the golden cursive on the right side.

 _Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning._

 _~ Erin Lindsay ~_

 _and_

 _~ Jay Halstead ~_

 _invite you to share in their joy_

 _at the celebration of their marriage_

 _Saturday, the 29th of July 2017_

 _at five o' clock in the afternoon_

 _at Lake Geneva._

 _Reception and dance to follow._

Hank flipped the card shut to check the accurate adress of their wedding location which was written on the lower end of the backside. Lake Geneva it was. Lake Geneva was the place he would walk his daughter down the aisle and give her to Jay Halstead so they could tie the knot. Lake Geneva was the place she would turn from Erin Lindsay to Erin Halstead, a married woman, the wife of Jay Halstead, who was one of the best young detectives CPD has had in a long time, one man that could and would go places someday because of his incredible attitudes and talents.

Even after seeing the invitation with the beautiful pictures of his undeniably happy daughter his heart felt heavy because he had to let go. But randomly, at the same time, his heart was as happy as seldom before, swelling in his chest with pride, because Erin being able to commit to a man for the rest of her life showed him that he and Camille had done a proper job with her from the day they'd ended her life as a streetkid and had taken her in. All they'd ever wanted for her was being happy and if it took Jay Halstead for her to be her happiest self, then he accepted it, even appreciated it because this guy was a raw diamond and would do _everything_ to keep Erin happy for as long as they lived.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Where is my little monkey?″ Jay smirked approaching Emilia, who lay on her mat in the living room, after returning from work on a Tuesday evening by the end of April. Tuesday was the day Erin usually stayed at home all day just like Thursday as her mornings in the bullpen so far were Monday, Wednesday and Friday, always working the desk from 8am to 2pm, Emilia still being with her and sleeping in the break room for as long as Erin needed to adjust to going back to work, until she was ready to leave her with someone else for two-and-a-half to three days a week. From the following week on, Emilia would stay with Ms Lewis, who had overjoyed agreed on their request whether she wanted to take care of Emilia, for one to two mornings a week and from there on they would slowly increase the time Emilia spent with her so Erin could do all the busts again as well and not only working the desk because she had to admit, all this paperwork slowly but steady bored her to death and she longed for some real action, for holding her gun again and for chasing some suspects through the streets of the city with the 300.

At the moment, they had the plan that Erin would work a regular day fridays at some point in the future, and Jay would leave the district earlier to spend the afternoon and evening with Emilia, while she would only work from 8am to 2 or 3pm on three other days, having the afternoons off and having one day per week she didn't have to go to work at all. Plus no weekends for her either. How all of this would be implemented and would work remained to be seen though.

″Hey princess, how's it going?″ Jay asked and sat down on the floor next to her, Emilia offering him a big smile. ″And where's mommy, huh?″ he asked and tickled her stomach.

″Mommy's here,″ he heard the voice of his fiancée. He turned his head to her and saw her walking into the living room, carrying a basket full of dirty laundry on her hip.

″Uh, my favorite housewife,″ Jay sassed, throwing her a cocky wink and roaming her body with his eyes. She looked absolutely fabulous and way too good in her yoga pants and the tight Cubs shirt, her hair tied up in a loose bun, some dirty blonde strands falling into her face.

″I still don't like this word,″ she grimaced, placed the basket on the couch and sat down right next to him on the floor.

″But I do,″ Jay murmured and pecked her lips. ″And Emmy does too, just look at her,″ he grinned, motioning his head to his daughter who was kicking her feet joyfully and was still smiling so bright, Jay wondered when she would start to cry because her face hurt so much.

″Yeah, this munchkin has way too much energy today,″ Erin chuckled and embraced Emmy's tiny hand with her own. ″Right little lady? We should tell daddy that he can't leave you on the changing table unattended anymore because you're able to roll over all by yourself now.″

″She rolled over all by herself already?″ he asked, his eyes widening, pure pride and excitement resounding from his voice. He knew babies could roll over at that age already but it was still early.

″I didn't see it but apparently, yeah. She was on her mat, just like right now, and I went to the bathroom for a minute and when I came back she lay on her tummy instead of her back,″ she explained.

″Rolling over, sleeping through the night, she'll sleep in her room as from next week. She's growing up. And I don't like it. I mean I like it...but I don't,″ he laughed slightly. Their daughter was way too agile for her age already.

″Me neither,″ Erin sighed. ″Though the sleeping through the night thing is awesome,″ she chuckled. A week ago Emilia had slept through the night for the first time and Erin had woken up in the middle of the night around 3am because she was used to get her sleep interrupted at least twice a night and in the first moment she'd totally panicked because Emilia hadn't cried all night. Jumping out of her bed in panic to check on her, she'd found her sleeping all peaceful in her bassinet but had checked on her breathing nonetheless just to make sure that everything was alright. Since then, she'd slept through the night one more time from 7pm in the evening to 6.30am in the morning and the other times she'd waken up once only and had drifted back to sleep while nursing. It was safe to say that Emilia was quite an easy and uncomplicated baby. They were blessed in _so_ many ways.

″And the sleeping in her own room shouldn't turn out too bad either,″ he murmured into her ear, his voice so low, it sent butterflies off in her stomach, heat crawling up inside of her.

″I guess this will bring us some...advantages,″ she said huskily, the sexual tension between them glistering in the air they inhaled.

″Exactly,″ Jay nodded. ″Not the worst thing to have our bedroom for ourselves again. Although, you know, it wasn't bad in the other places either,″ he added, throwing her a flirtatious wink.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin chuckled, maybe getting a little too excited that they soon could play scrabble in their huge bed again because...it's been a while.

″So, is tonight date night or not?″ he almost whispered into her ear, changing the topic from their current dirty talk, and pecked some kisses along her jaw. Once a week they actually wanted to have an evening just for themselves, like they'd agreed on a couple weeks back. In case Jay didn't have to work and they could actually have a date night. Last week they'd had their first since agreeing on trying to have one special evening a week and they'd gone playing squash, this week they wanted to go out for dinner and attend a dancing class that should prepare them for the wedding waltz as they'd quite the desire to impress their friends and family on their special day.

They didn't have a regular day because the criminals in the city didn't care about their date night so it was possible that Jay had to work all-nighters to bust some gangbangers or drug dealers and they had to be spontaneous when it came to the evening they wanted to enjoy as a couple once a week. Which was quite a struggle because Erin still went to the zumba class on Monday and Thursday evening and Jay was trying to work out at the gym as well whenever he could leave the bullpen at a decent time, so they only had five or less possible evenings that they could use and when Jay called her in the early afternoon, telling her things looked good as they were about to wrap a case or were only fighting with paperwork, they still had to find a babysitter. Last week, Ms Lewis, or Carol, how they now called her, had watched Emilia for the first time and today, their daughter would spend the evening with her grandfather.

″Hank's coming over in an hour, so date night it is,″ she grinned. ″Didn't he tell you in the pen?″

″Nope,″ he answered and shook his head. ″He was out catching up with some CI's and left us with the mountains of paperwork.″

″Yeah, that sounds like Hank,″ Erin laughed, brushed her lips against the ones of her fiancé again.

″This case left us quite an aftermath of bureaucratic bullshit. But no worries, we still left you some for tomorrow,″ he winked cheekily.

″Why thank you. You guys are simply the best,″ she chuckled somehow sardonically before she got up from the floor to finish the laundry and make herself ready for the date night with her soon-to-be-husband.

″So bug, what are we up to now?″ he asked Emilia, embracing her feet with his hands and making silly faces, displaying his inner child. ″Will you show daddy that rolling-over-trick?″

He picked her up, pressed a short kiss against her cheek and soaked the scent of baby bath foam in before he placed her back down on the mat, but on her tummy this time. Jay lay down next to her on his side, his head propped up on his hand so he could watch her and stroke her little back and her head with the strands of honey-blonde-brown hair with his other hand at the same time.

″Come on, Emmy, do it for your daddy,″ he encouraged her. But instead of trying to roll over, she started to show her dissatisfaction about her current position as her face transfered from happy to unhappy and little cries escaping from her mouth.

″Okay, okay, you're not in the mood, that's fine,″ Jay said, adjusted his position to pick her up, got up from the floor and lay down on the couch, his head resting against the armrest and a pillow, and let Emilia rest on his stomach and chest, his one hand covering her back protectively so she wouldn't fall down now that she didn't lay still anymore but rather moved all the time.

″Is that better, huh? Cuddling is a big hit, right?″ he asked when the cries stopped instantly and the almost 3-month-old instead lifted her head and looked at him with her light blue eyes. She even extended one of her arms and tried to reach his face and grab for his chin.

″I guess that's a yes,″ Jay chuckled and captured her hand to place a kiss against her sweet little fingers. ″I like it better, too.″

As if she wanted to agree, this adorable smile appeared on her face again and Jay's heart melted in various ways, knowing exactly that this smile would give him trouble one day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″How did you like it?″ Jay asked Erin when they sat in their favorite Mexican restaurant after the dancing class, that kind of music playing in the background that made them feel like they were right in the middle of Mexico, while they were waiting for the best burritos in the city.

″I think it might have been a great idea to learn that kind of dance properly,″ she chuckled, thinking about how clumsy and robotic they'd been in the beginning of the class and how much better and smoother their movements had been in the end, after one-and-a-half hours of intense training, thinking about how this would have ended on the 29th of July without them practicing before. Catastrophe was quite the fitting word for it. ″And you?″ she asked him.

″Apart from that I stepped on your feet twelve million times?″ he laughed.

″Thirteen,″ Erin winked.

″Or that,″ he laughed once again. He'd never stepped on her feet before when they danced because their movement fit together perfectly, was unanimously, but doing certain steps in a certain order had been a whole different challenge for both of them. Though exactly because of their clumsiness they had had a blast at the dancing class, laughing more than any other couple that had attended the class as well. ″But I liked it. It was fun and I think one or two more classes and we'll be pro's.″

″Oh yeah, totally,″ Erin smirked. ″We'll at least be perfectly prepared for that one dance then, though I somehow wished the wedding waltz wouldn't be as boring but more like...I don't know, Dirty Dancing maybe?″

″You want to turn our wedding waltz into _dirty_ dancing?! Naughty naughty,″ Jay grinned, raising his eyebrows playfully. Erin reached across the table and punched her fist against his upper arm in response, her cheeks blushing slightly.

″This is not what I meant,″ she exclaimed.

″Then what did you mean, Ms Lindsay?″ he teased her, this dorky grin still covering his features. God she loved his smile, no matter whether it was dorky or fond or faint or mischievous, because they all had one thing in common: they were beyond sexy and sent her heart racing _every damn time_.

″I just meant it as I said and not dirty in _any_ regard, Mr. Halstead,″ she laughed. ″But waltz is simply kinda boring. Fact. Feels like being stuck in a movie about some royal house in Europe from eighteen-hundred-whatever. So it could be a little more modern, just that kind of more attractive dance, like in Dirty Dancing.″

″So you'd rather wanna be Baby with me being your Johnny, flying on my strong arms, telling me you carried a water melon and doing some hot and sexy moves while my hands roam your body?″

 _Find yourself a man who has as much knowledge about Dirty Dancing as about sports. Jackpot it is,_ Erin thought and chuckled slightly. ″It's really impressive how much you know about a film that still lets hearts of women and girls all over the world melt,″ she sassed.

″Er, you watch that damn film every freaking time it's on TV,″ Jay laughed. ″And I was forced to watch it with you at least three times during the last one-and-a-half years. So of course I know all the corny details.″

″And so do I know all the details about Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings because of you.″

″Ey, don't you say you didn't like them because I know you were hooked once I finally got you to watch them with actual attention,″ he winked.

″Yeah, they're not that bad,″ she smirked. Jay has really got her hooked on all his nerdy films about fantasy worlds and superpowers and by now she liked them as much as he did. ″But Dirty Dancing stays one of my favorites nonetheless,″ she said and her voice sounded kind of pensive. When she continued speaking Jay heard why.

″It was Camille's favorite film, you know?″ she asked, smiling sadly by the memories that obviously flooded through her mind right now.

″It was?″ Jay asked quietly and lay his hand on top of hers, stroking over her knuckles with his thumb.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″She loved that film and had it on video and when Hank and Justin were at the theater or at some Cubs or Hawks game we would make cinnamon popcorn and juice-fruit-cocktails as soon as they closed the door behind them and we would snuggle up on the couch and watch it. She knew all the dialogues by heart and somewhen I did, too. And afterwards we would dance in the living room and try to become as good as them but actually we just got up to nonsense. We laughed until our stomachs hurt too much. And when I watch it now, my mind still goes back to the time when we ate popcorn and said all the lines synchronic with the actors, when we giggled and laughed about our own craziness. It's a nice memory. One of the best,″ she said, her voice getting really low towards the end and gazed at their hands on the table. Nonetheless Jay saw the tears that were welling in her eyes and tightened the grip around her hand.

″This sounds amazing,″ Jay said just as quiet.

″It was,″ she nodded. ″It's something I'll always remember because it was such a mother-daughter thing I never thought I'd ever have. After we'd overcome our initial issues, suddenly there was someone who looked at me and took my hand and just simply said: I'm here. And I'll be your mother if you let me.″

″And you let her...,″ he said.

″It took a while, but yeah,″ she agreed. ″Because I didn't know that mothers could be gracious and loving and selfless. I thought every mother is like Bunny and I didn't allow myself to get my hopes up to a point where I would fall down so far in case it turned out to be another bubble. I was scared that one day I would wake up in my old life and it was all just a dream.″

As much as Jay loved it when Erin opened up to him and told him bits and pieces about her past, about her growing-up with the Voights, the only good part of her growing-up in fact, his heart ached and got heavy when he listened to the words that left her mouth and every time it made him realize through how much she's been already in her life. And also every time this realization hit him, his admiration for her strength and toughness even grew although it has reached unreal levels already.

″And sometimes, when I wake up at night and look at you, I can't help but wonder whether maybe it's really just the most beautiful dream someone can have,″ she said and lifted her head, offering him a faint smile.

″You don't know how many times in the last few years I've been wondering whether I'm dreaming,″ Jay smirked.

″Great minds think alike I guess,″ she smiled.

″They do,″ he nodded and squeezed her hand again right before the waitress brought them their burritos con carne with rice and salad so they could finally satisfy their growling and empty stomachs.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After sharing a dessert, churros with chocolate sauce, vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries, they ended their date night with a stroll along the Riverwalk, enjoying downtown in the dark, the lights of the skyscrapers reflecting on the Chicago River.

″Kim's driving me nuts about buying a wedding dress,″ Erin said just when they walked underneath Michigan Avenue Bridge.

″Well, there's not that much time left anymore,″ Jay grinned, his heart skipping a beat in anticipation by the thought that in a little over three months she would be Mrs. Halstead.

″I know, but it can't be that hard to buy a dress,″ she said, sounding pretty confident and optimistic, in a not-a-big-deal-manner. Jay turned his head to her and eyed her for a second and of course Erin didn't miss his glance. ″Can it?″ she asked.

″I don't know but I wouldn't assume it's that easy,″ he shrugged. ″So I'd say it's a good thing that Kim's kicking your ass about it,″ he added smirkingly.

″I promised her we'll do it on one of the following weekends and she tried to talk me into doing it this weekend already because she said we're running out of time. So I explained her that we have to go back to Lake Geneva to choose flavors for our wedding cake and talk about some more details and she accepted that excuse.″

″I guess this was the only excuse she would accept,″ he chuckled, imagining how Kim would literally kill Erin if she postponed their wedding-dress-shopping-day any further.

″Most probably,″ she answered, already thinking about something else they've somehow avoided to talk about since they'd dispatched the wedding invitations a week ago. She chewed on her lips for a moment because this topic was one Jay hated to talk about. And she knew it. But still, she had to ask because she sensed he wouldn't start talking about it anytime soon, maybe hoping that she would simply forget about it as well. But she wouldn't and couldn't. Sometimes she wished she could simply turn all this empathy and loyalty she had for other people off like a light as it would save quite the trouble sometimes.

″Did you think about the one wedding invitation that is still lying in the drawer in the living room?″

Almost as expected, Jay stopped walking instantly, let go of her hand reflexively and within a second Erin had the feeling that the air between them was suddenly unbelieveably tense because all the joking, the teasing, the sass, the laughters had somehow disappeared in a heartbeat in the moment Erin had asked this question. Because the invitation she'd talked about was for the man who was his father. And naturally only mentioning him in any regard still brought back memories from the time when Jay hadn't been the kind of son his father wanted to have, from the time when he'd returned from war, Robert Halstead having left his fatally ill wife to die alone, no matter that things have gotten slightly better during the last few months. But ever since he'd saved his old man's life, he'd only talked to him once, which was when he'd told him about Emilia's birth. They'd never visited him in Michigan but Jay had occasionally asked his brother how he was doing and whether he was making any progress. But that has been it. And he'd never wanted to be involved any further in his recovery process. Only when they'd dispatched the invitations last week it came up again as they had some extant ones, so Erin had asked him whether he wanted to invite his father or not and he'd said he needed to think about it. Erin has construed it as a good sign that he hadn't declined it instantly, which he would've done a couple of months back.

″No, not really,″ Jay breathed out. ″But I don't think I want him to be there,″ he answered vaguely but he abstained from looking her in the eyes, instead focused on a boat that drove by and showed some tourists the city by night.

″I think it would make him happy,″ Erin said quietly. She didn't even know why she had so much empathy for Jay's old man. After everything he'd done to Jay in the past she should be disgusted by him. And she was in some way. But in some weird other way, she felt bad for him because she only knew him personally as the sick, old, lonely man who had nothing anymore other than his house and his eldest son who sometimes stopped by to spend time with him but was caught at his workplace too often.

″Erin,″ he said furiously and she slightly shuddered by the way he spoke out her name. ″This is going to be the happiest day of my life and I don't really care whether I can make him happy or not. Because this is not about him. It's about me. Us. And I don't know whether I can be as happy when he's around,″ he said and this bitterness he only had when it came to his father reflected from his face. The bitterness Erin had thought was gone by now.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded and scanned his features sternly for a moment and then decided that it was not okay. She still didn't want to push him into anything but she also didn't like to see him being this bitter. It didn't suit him. And it _wasn't_ him.

″Jay, I know there aren't any feelings left for your dad other than anger and disappointment, but sometimes we have to stop judging people for what they did in the past and just look at them now and figure out what kind of person they've become. Maybe they're still the same. Maybe not. Sometimes it's not about forgiving someone what they did but for giving someone a new chance. You already made some little steps into his direction, like after Emilia's birth, and I never had the feeling you regretted them but instead had the feeling that the bitterness has slowly disappeared. So I just thought it would maybe be another step, a good thing,″ she said, also somehow explaining her reasoning why she'd brought his father as a possible guest for their wedding up at all when she knew how sensitive he was about everything regarding him.

″Believe me, it's not a good thing when he and Michael and Susan meet at our wedding. This is supposed to be a day of celebrating our love, not a family feud because of someone who hasn't even really belonged into this family ever,″ he said and tried to keep his voice low, hiding the bitterness in it. In this moment he made a decision for himself as speaking it out loud made him realize what he wanted.

″No Erin, all the people I want to celebrate with us have their invitations,″ he said, now _really_ looking into her eyes for the first time since they started this conversation. ″And you're right, I don't regret the steps I made thus far because they always felt right and I will visit him soon and talk to him now that he's back in Chicago but let's keep all these steps small and simple and one at a time. That being said, it doesn't feel right to invite him to one of the most important days of my life and he's not one of the people that means so much to me that I want him to be there,″ he added and his voice softened with every word and so did his eyes while his hand reached for her hand again as his fingers slipped through hers. He knew Erin had a lot of empathy for other people, people she knew and people she didn't know. Her big heart was one of many reasons why he loved her so much. Not to forget that it made her an incredible cop, always being as sensitive as the case or situation required her to be. But although things between him and his father weren't as bad anymore, she still somehow wasted her empathy for the wrong person in his opinion.

″Some things are just too broken, too damaged as that they can get repaired. I'm not as bitter anymore as I was before this whole bone marrow thing but inviting him to our wedding is something I wouldn't feel comfortable with, okay?″

″Okay,″ Erin whispered and this time she really meant as this hadn't just been a bitter 'no' now but an actual explanation how he felt about his father at the moment and how he planned to rebuild parts of the broken road their past was and maybe have some sort of relationship with him again at some point.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Erin,″ Platt greeted her on Monday morning when she and Jay walked into the precinct, for the first time in months without their baby. After they'd spent another nice weekend at Lake Geneva to talk through some more details about the wedding with Rachel, Emilia was spending her first morning with Carol today until Erin would pick her up between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. It had been incredibly hard for her to say goodbye to her baby girl this morning but by the time they'd reached the district, she's become more and more excited that she now could also go to crime scenes again or could question witnesses in their homes and interrogate suspects in the pen. Could all in all do more things than just headache-causing paperwork.

″Good morning, Sergeant, nice to see you, too,″ Jay said sarcastically, wondering whether things would ever change and he would get a proper good morning from her as well.

″Morning Chuckles,″ she nodded. This was probably the closest he would ever get but with his sassy remarks he probably could call himself lucky to even get this kind of greeting.

″Morning Sarge,″ Erin smiled, stopping by in front of her desk for a minute.

″Where's the little princess of the 21st?″ she asked, looking over the front desk searchingly as if she expected that they were hiding her somewhere. Until today, Emilia had always been with Erin when she came to the 21st for more or less the past year, whether it was inside of Erin's stomach until the 1st of February, although they hadn't known about Erin's pregnancy one year ago already, or in her car seat ever since the day she was born.

″She's with her babysitter for the first time today,″ Jay explained.

″But she will be with you again on Wednesday and Friday?″ Platt asked, her voice sounding kinda worried that she wouldn't see Emilia as often anymore. Erin could barely hide a grin when she thought about how Platt hadn't been really impressed when she'd come back to work with Emilia because in her opinion babies had no place in a police station but had then spent more time than ever before up in the bullpen and had even occasionally kidnapped her during her lunch break and taken her to the break room downstairs. One could easily say Platt loved their little girl but then again, who didn't?

″Yeah, sure, for now she'll still spend one or two mornings a week here with me, no worries,″ Erin smirked.

″Oh well, that's great,″ she answered with a hint of relief in her voice, one of these rare smiles rushing over her face.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded. ″See you later then, Sarge,″ she then said, knocked on the front desk with her fist and turned around to go upstairs so she and Jay wouldn't miss Hank's briefing about a possible new case.

″Wait, wait, wait,″ Platt called, her strict desk-sergeant voice making a comeback, signalising them that the smalltalk was over and they were instead back to business.

″Anything else?″ she asked and turned around again, not letting go of Jay's hand that has been laced with hers since they'd left the car.

″Obviously,″ Platt sighed and made an attempt to roll her eyes. ″Your gun requalification is in two weeks, Monday the 15th.″

″Oh damn, I totally forgot that I have to do that again,″ Erin said, a nervous feeling detaching in her stomach. They had to do their gun requalification every couple of months but of course she hadn't had to do hers while being pregnant because of the loud noises. In addition she'd used her gun for the last time about 9 months ago, so needless to say that she needed to requalify before she was allowed to do any busts again. To say that she was out of practice was the understatement of the century and that's why she got a little nervous over something she's never been nervous about before. Probably going to the shooting range before the 15th wasn't the worst idea.

″Yeah, I might have known it,″ Platt said in her typical manner before Erin thanked her and finally walked up the stairs.

″I need to go to the shooting range. Instantly,″ Erin said to Jay while he buzzed the door open.

″Hey, don't stress yourself. You'll sail through,″ he answered, giving her a soft smile as he sensed her uneasiness.

″Yeah...well...I don't know. I haven't used my gun in forever,″ she shrugged.

″But that doesn't mean that you forgot anything,″ he winked and squeezed her hand a little tighter before they took the last few steps to join their colleagues in the bullpen.

″Where's Emmy?″ This was the first thing Adam asked as soon as he saw them, for the first time in weeks without Jay carrying the stroller and Erin carrying the car seat and the diaper bag.

″She's with her babysitter today,″ Erin said for the second time this morning and threw her jacket over the back of her chair.

″What? Why?″ he asked and sounded honestly disappointed. Uncle Adam was also loving Emilia dearly and whenever they had a low day without a case and not much to do, he would be the one to make nonsense with her. In general, on low days they all constantly fought who was allowed to hold her, give her the bottle or rock her to sleep. Just diaper changing they always left generously to Erin or Jay. If someone ever saw the boys with Emilia, when they really reminded Erin of big teddybears, no one would ever believe that this was supposed to be the most badass unit in the city and criminals would most probably be less afraid.

″Because I'm slowly but steady getting tired of only doing your guys's paperwork and figured you deserve to do that by yourself again,″ Erin sassed while making her way into the break room to fill hers and Jay's mug with coffee. Real coffee. She allowed herself to drink one cup of finest bullpen coffee in the morning as soon as they were at the district and all her drinks afterwards were water, juices or tea. But as she'd learned to live completely without coffee during her pregnancy, she didn't even need and want more than one to two cups anymore. Which was a good thing because her caffeine intake had been seriously dangerous.

″Didn't you bring Emilia today?″ Antonio, who was just pouring the black liquid in his own mug and who'd apparently not paid attention to the conversation outside, asked.

″Nope,″ Erin laughed. _Talk about adding another super sad cop to the list_ , she thought smirkingly but at the same time her heart pounded in her chest because their daughter was the most blessed baby girl in the world, being loved by so many incredible people.

″Where is she?″ he asked and handed Erin the pot of coffee.

″With her babysitter,″ she said and filled their cups.

″You don't need a babysitter for her when you have the best babysitters here, Linds,″ Antonio winked.

″Don't I know it,″ she laughed, leaving the break room with him. ″But she can't come here with me forever so it's better we all get used to it.″

Just after she'd placed Jay's steaming mug on his desk and had sat down on the edge of her own desk, Hank stepped out of the office and told them that they didn't have a new case so far but that there was more than enough paperwork they needed to finish. They all muttered in discontent because paperwork was the worst word in your vocabulary when you worked in Intelligence and while it wasn't that they wanted someone getting murdered, they still all hoped a case would pop up soon.

″Uhm Sarge,″ Jay said, jumping up from his chair, motioning his head to Erin that she should follow him while he also followed Hank into his office.

″Huh?″ he grunted.

″Erin needs to do her gun requalification in two weeks and could use a couple of hours at the shooting range before. And as we have no case right now, can we maybe use the time to go there?″ he asked, looking to Erin, who until now hasn't had a clue about this plan. She nodded her head imperceptibly in response because this was a perfect idea and she didn't know when else she should go there if not now. Plus, the less paperwork she had to do the better.

″Sounds good,″ Hank approved. ″But keep your radios on standby.″

″Copy that,″ Jay nodded and threw Erin a short grin before they left his office. They both poured their coffees down, took their jackets from the back of their chairs and wished their team members a lot of fun with all the paperwork before they headed out to the car pool.

″So why do you even come with me?″ she asked on their way to the 300, scanning him from the side with a raised eyebrow.

″Because I'm your partner,″ he shrugged but this kind of mischievous grin covered his lips that told Erin that there was more to come. ″Plus, you need a challenge, so you better take the best shooter of this district with you.″

″Yeah, you better boost your ego before I'll show you who's the best shooter here,″ she sassed, giving him a playful wink. ″And by the way, I drive,″ she said and sneaked into the driver's seat before he even had the chance to.

Having the feeling that it has never felt better to ride shotgun than today and with a grin plastered on his face he couldn't help but realize how much he's missed _this_ during the last few months...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please drop a review and let me know your thoughts! :) I'll try my best to update asap but I'll have my final university exams in the next two weeks, so I might not be able to update before that shit's done.**


	54. Never Say Never

**Thank you all so much for your feedback on my last chapter. I really, really appreciate it! Hope you'll enjoy this one, I had a lot of fun writing it! :)**

* * *

 **54\. Never Say Never**

Erin has never been a person who had many female friends. She's never been someone to hang out with other girls or women to polish their nails together while gossiping about other people. She's never been into all of this girl-stuff, like going shopping together every weekend, like scrolling through magazines and talking about the current fashion trends and lifestyle tips or discussing whether Brad Pitt was single again. Maybe it was because she'd always chosen the people she surrounded herself with carefully, had never trusted people enough to let them be a part of her life and if she had, it had taken a while and had required a lot, had always been afraid that people would leave her in case they found out who she was. Like Steph and her clique back in the days at St. Ignatius, though she had never _really_ trusted them enough to call them her friends, let alone tell them her secrets. It had just been nice not to be alone all day but that didn't mean that she'd felt all comfortable around them, especially with always pretending to be someone she wasn't.

Though this had been a long time ago and lots of things have happened in between, Erin had surprised herself astoundingly when she'd simply asked Sylvie and Natalie after the zumba class on Thursday whether they wanted to join her and Kim with looking for a wedding dress. She couldn't deny that the four of them have grown quite close during the last few weeks ever since they all attended the zumba class together regularly and occasionally went to Molly's afterwards. But she usually wasn't someone who asked something like this before even thinking about it. Usually she would need some time to make such a decision and wouldn't ask them anyway in the end. But while walking outside to their cars and laughing about something funny Cruz had done during the class, these words had slipped from her lips before she even realized what she was saying and could hold them back. Because it had somehow felt right to ask them and she _wanted_ them to join her and Kim. Because she really enjoyed the time she spent with these three women twice a week and for the first time she had the feeling to _really_ belong to some kind of girl's clique. One consisting of four strong women, sometimes up to seven when Gabby and Maggie and Platt joined them. One she definitely liked to be in, felt accepted the way she was.

And now, two days later, on a sunny day mid-May, two days before her gun requalification, she found herself entering the third wedding dress shop on Kim's list to try what felt like the 50th white fairytale dress within the last few hours. So much for this whole buying a wedding dress thing not being a big deal because it was kind of the biggest deal _ever_. It was an advantage that they had started their day with having brunch at the best bakery in the city, filling their stomachs with fruit oatmeals and scrumbled eggs and bacon and toast and pancakes, otherwise their moods would be at rock bottom by now. Though while Natalie, Kim and Sylvie were still laughing all the time, maybe the champaign they got offered in the shops doing the job here, Erin's mood was definitely on the way down but she tried her best to not show them. They were all here for her after all, so the least she could do was to grin and bear it although this slipping from one dress into the other but none of them looking like she had imagined slowly but steady wore her out. She had to admit, the thought of marrying in just jeans and a plaid flannel was becoming _beyond_ attractive again but wishful thinking it was.

She'd tried so many dresses within the last few hours, short and long, with straps and strapless, with lace and without, with a wide skirt and pretty tight, with sleeves and without, white ones and ivory ones, simply _everything_ possible there was in the world of wedding dresses. And there'd been quite some she'd liked when the shop assistants had showed them. Several times she'd thought: _that's it_. But as soon as she'd worn it she'd had to realize that this wasn't it. Again. She didn't even really know what she was looking for, she just wanted it to be perfect, because Jay deserved to see her like he's never seen her before. So she just had this vision in her head that she slipped into a dress and thought: _this will take Jay's breath away_. Unfortunately this hasn't been the case yet. And so they needed to keep looking and hitting the next store although she preferred to go home and spend this beautiful day with Emilia and Jay at the park or doing whatever else her two favorites were doing right now on their daddy-daughter-saturday, especially since she had the feeling that in between work and Emmy they barely had time for each other anymore, neither as a family nor as a couple. Their last date night had been the one more than two weeks ago and it didn't look like these busy times would change anytime soon so they would have the chance to enjoy some more family downtime or _much_ needed intimacy.

She started to wonder whether one dress would _ever_ meet her requirements when the shop assistant, an elder woman aged around 60, greeted them and interrupted Erin's thoughts and daydreams about what kind of way funnier things Jay and Emmy probably did and how she would rather spend time with them right now.

″Hello ladies, how can I help you?″ she asked and offered them a friendly, expecting smile. Erin already liked her because she wasn't as ecstatic and over the top as the shop assistants in the other two stores had been, who'd seriously reminded Erin of teenagers that freaked out about Justin Bieber.

″Our friend,″ Natalie said and gesturing to Erin, the bride-to-be, ″is going to marry by the end of July and she needs to find the perfect wedding dress.″

″Alright,″ she nodded and after introducing herself as Erica she looked at Erin, saying: ″So tell me about what you want.″

″That's actually a good question,″ Erin chuckled slightly but couldn't hide a sigh that escaped from her lips at the same time. ″I think by now I decided I want to have a long dress but about anything else, I don't know,″ she shrugged. Was it embarrassing or sad that even after trying various wedding dresses all day she still couldn't tell the others what she actually wanted?

″She wants that kind of dress that makes her husband gasp for air when he sees her,″ Kim interposed and Erin felt her cheeks blush a little by her friend's statement. _No more champaign for Kim_ , she thought but then again it maybe wasn't the worst that Kim was being all honest about the fact that she had quite huge and maybe even impossible expectations regarding the dress she wanted to wear on the 29th of July.

″Well, which bride doesn't?″ Erica laughed, obviously hearing statements like this all the time, before she focussed on Erin again, gazing at her like she was looking right through her with her warm brown eyes. It was quite uncomfortable even though Erin sensed she only did it because she imagined how she would look in a certain dress and tried to figure out which size she needed. ″I think I have the perfect dress for you,″ she then smiled kindly after a moment and Erin smiled back, but only because of necessity. She'd heard this too many times already today and not even once the dress had been _perfect for her_.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded in response and let her gaze wander around in the shop for the first time as she'd been deep in thoughts about anything but wedding dresses when they'd entered it. It was small, the furniture old, even antique, but very charming and all the little details and decoration fit together perfectly. Although she had a feeling that the variety of wedding dresses was limited here, she really liked this sweet little shop that was decorated with so much love.

″Do you all want to have a cappuccino first?″ Erica asked the four women. Okay, no hard feelings, she definitely _loved_ this shop. No matter that she would probably not find a dress in here either because of the limited variety of dresses it had to offer and because she was at a point where she was almost certain she would _never_ find a dress.

″Yes please,″ Erin smiled, nodding eagerly and so did the other three. A dose of caffeine was what dreams were made of right now and Erin could really use an energy boost in form of her beloved favorite drink. Who knew how many more hours of this wedding-dress-odyssey they had ahead of them.

Erica served them all a quite big mug of cappuccino along with some homemade chocolate chip cookies and let them all drink the hot liquid while chitchatting a little about the wedding dresses Erin had tried already before she asked Erin to follow her. Erin got up from the quite comfortable chair she's been sitting in for the last ten minutes somewhat reluctantly and followed Erica towards the back of the shop, curiosity building up in her for what the older woman would show her.

″Alright,″ she said, opening a door and Erin followed her inside. She didn't know what she'd expected, maybe a little chamber, but definitely not this. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she stepped into a beautiful, big, lightflooded studio that was the home of organza and tulle and various white and cream and ivory wedding dresses as well as all kind of different colorful bride's maid dresses.

″Wow,″ Erin mumbled and only from looking at the dresses she knew that they were something special because they were somehow different than the ones she'd tried so far.

″So, the dresses I make are sometimes looking similar when it comes to their silhouettes but each and every of them is different because their embellishments are unique,″ Erica explained, confirming Erin's thoughts that these dressed were indeed something very special. ″You can of course look around and tell me what you like but if you don't mind, I'd like you to try one that I already have in my mind and think is made for you.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded slowly, still amazed by what this little, unremarkable shop had to offer. Small but mighty indeed. ″I'd love to try the dress you recommend,″ she added and gave Erica a sheepish smile, feeling a little bad that she'd for once fallen for the prejudices and had thought this shop didn't have anything special to offer.

″Perfect, the fitting room is over there,″ she said and pointed to a seperate room on the left. ″You can already go in there, I'll bring you the dress in a minute.″

Erin made her way to the fitting room and started to take her shoes off while curiously waiting for Erica to bring her _the dress_ , somehow having a strange good feeling about it although she hasn't even seen it yet. Nonetheless she tried to keep her hopes within a limit so the disappoinment wouldn't be as hard in case it was another dead loss.

″Here you go,″ Erica interrupted her thoughts once more, carrying the white dress on her hands carefully and then hung it on the peg on the wall next to the mirror so Erin could see it entirely. To say the dress was beautiful was the understatement of the year because it was absolutely gorgeous by any measures.

″That's beautiful,″ she said, her voice almost sounding melancholic, but at the same time she reminded herself that only because she liked the dress on the clothes hanger didn't mean she actually liked it when she was wearing it. Unfortunately she had quite some experience with things turning out like that by now.

″You should try it and then tell me what you think,″ Erica said, smiling by her client's reaction. ″Just call me when you need help to close it.″ With these words she left Erin alone and closed the door from the outside.

Erin undressed herself quickly until only her panties and her socks and her strapless bra were left. She put the dream in white on as far as she could and then called Erica for her help to adjust it properly and close the lace-up on the back. Erin looked down to her décolleté, along her breasts, her waist, her hips and to her feet that she couldn't see because they were covered by the wide skirt of organza, her heart hammering against her chest because so far she definitely liked what she was seeing and the excitement was rising constantly.

″Are you ready to take a look in the mirror?″ Erica asked her expectantly after she'd finished to close the lace-up.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded nervously. If she'd looked into Erica's face instead of her feet she would have seen that there was no reason for her to be nervous. She would in fact have seen something else, an expression that could tell more than words.

″Then turn around,″ she said and gave her shoulder a soft push.

Slowly, as if she knew that this moment was going to be special and one to remember forever, Erin turned around and when she saw her own silhouette looking back at her from the giant mirror, she slightly gasped for air. _This was it._ She knew in this moment that this was the dress she would walk down the aisle with in July. She had to blink some times to assure herself that this was real and that the woman in the mirror was really she herself, Erin Lindsay, the girl that once had lived on the streets of Chicago. The strapless, sleeveless, white A-line dress with the sweetheart neckline and only a small court train, nothing flamboyant but just how she'd wanted it, was exactly what she's been looking for. It was plain but elegant and noble in the right places with soft beading embellishments from her décolleté down until just over her pelvic bone where it passed into the wide organza skirt, which was not too wide for her liking but also not too tight. It was beyond beautiful and absolutely magnificent, nothing over the top but simply _all her._ This dress was _hers_ and it was indeed _made for her_. This was the one dress she was sure would take Jay's breath away because it already took her's away, so there was no doubt that Jay would might have some breathing troubles on their wedding day.

″What do you think?″ Erica's voice broke through her blissful bubble of imagining Jay's face when he would see her like this and brought her back to reality. _Never say never_ , Erin thought and smiled.

″It's amazing,″ she said hoarsely, emotionally, and it was all she managed to say because she was still entirely overwhelmed by the perfection of this dress, by what she saw in the mirror, by the fact that this was her own image in the mirror and so words failed her.

″You're looking beyond gorgeous,″ Erica smiled approvingly. ″Would you like me to tell your friends to come in?″

″Yes please,″ Erin beamed and with these words, she left Erin alone for a minute. Surrounded by complete silence for more or less the first time today, a thought settled inside of her, that a couple of years back, hell even one year back, would've completely terrified her: things were getting real. Like _real_ _real_. They had the most beautiful venue for the ceremony and the reception, they'd decided for flavors for the cake, all the people they'd invited had happily called them and confirmed to come to celebrate this special day with them, even Paul and Izzie would make all the way from Australia, and now it seemed like she also had found her dress. She would marry Jay in short two-and-a-half months and would commit to him for eternity. And it was in that moment, when she still looked at her own reflection in the mirror because she couldn't take her eyes away, that she realized that there was nothing she wanted to be more than being Jay's wife and that there was nothing that made her happier than that she would be Erin Halstead three months from now. And _this_ also terrified her immensely. But in the most positive way.

The silence in the studio was short-lived when she heard the girls's excited babbling and giggling coming closer from outside. But the second they stepped into the room and saw Erin standing there in her white dress, almost looking like some princess from a Disney movie, her brown-blonde waves falling onto her shoulders, they became silent in a heartbeat as their mouths dropped slightly open in awe. She had a sheepish but beaming smile on her face and her eyes sparkled like the most beautiful hazel-green-grey diamonds. They'd seen her in countless dresses today but none of the had let her glow like this. Not even close.

″Wow,″ Sylvie, who was the first to express what they all thought, whispered. ″Erin you're looking fabulous.″

″This is absolutely beautiful, wow, just wow,″ Kim also marveled and a bright smile appeared on her face. ″That's it, isn't it?″

″Hell yes it is,″ Erin exclaimed laughingly, the tiniest bit of relief settling in her that the others had also noticed in the very first second that this dress was different, was hers to be.

″This will definitely take Jay's breath away, no doubt,″ Natalie winked.

″It better does,″ she laughed in response.

″I'm sure it's a good thing that there'll be two doctors around who can help him in case he chokes,″ Natalie grinned at the woman who was more or less her sister-in-law before they all hugged her, careful to not damage the dress, to congratulate her for finding _the_ dress for her special day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The four women ended their successful shopping day with having an early dinner at Au Cheval after Sylvie, Kim and Natalie had also tried some of the bride's maid dresses and had all eventually decided for a dress they wanted to wear on Erin's and Jay's big day. As Will had to work and Owen was with his grandmother Helen and Adam and Kevin and Antonio were playing paintball and Jay and Emmy surely also had a lot of fun on their special daddy-daughter-day, they all had quite a little more time without any obligations to celebrate all their new dresses with eating the best burgers of the city at Erin's expense.

Nonetheless Erin couldn't wait to get home to be reunited with the two most important people in her life. It's been quite a long day and she still wasn't used to spend too much time away from Emilia although her baby had already spent seven hours with Carol the last two Mondays and would spent the following Monday morning and parts of the afternoon with her again before they would add another day in a week.

It was around 7pm when Erin finally unlocked the door of their apartment. She dumped the keys into the bowl on the sideboard next to the door, hung her jacket on the rack and kicked her sneakers off her feet directly onto the floor next to Jay's. Seeing his two pairs of shoes standing there neatly, she reached down and put hers there just as neat. One could say Jay Halstead has quite rubbed off on her.

As the living room was empty, Erin padded towards the soft light that came from the nursery. She remained in the doorway when she saw Jay sitting in the rocking chair, reading Emilia a chapter of Winnie the Pooh, the 3-and-a-half month-old cuddling against his chest, her fingers clawing into the fabric of his shirt, her facial expressions being completely relaxed and satisfied but also full of sleep, her eyelids heavy and struggling to stay open. Jay was being totally absorbed into this bubble that he didn't even recognize Erin standing there glaring at them in awe. She would _never_ get enough of this view. Her heart would _never_ stop fluttering when she saw the two of them like this. Emilia maybe was Erin's mini-me but she was without a doubt daddy's girl and there was _nothing_ Erin loved to see more than this incredible bond between father and daughter. These two have shared something special from the very first second and for Erin, Jay being in full daddy-mode, Jay being this amazing father, was not only the most endearing but also the sexiest she's ever seen him.

″Hey you two,″ she whispered, careful not to disturb the peaceful silence in the room. Jay looked up by the sound of his favorite raspy voice and his face lit up, the same big smile surrounding his lips that also played around Erin's.

″Hey you,″ he said, placed the book on the little table next to him, kissed Emilia's head, which was covered with strands of light brown hair, and got up to get a kiss himself. ″Look Emmy, mommy's back. She didn't get lost in a wedding dress shop after all,″ he whispered against his daughter's head, giving Erin an all innocent smirk when he stood right in front of her.

″Yeah, I made it out alive. Are you proud?″ she chuckled and pecked his lips with a short but burning hot kiss.

″Thankful describes it better,″ Jay grinned, brushing another short kiss against her lips before Erin turned her attention to the slumbering baby.

″Hey sweetheart, how are you doing?″ she whispered and placed a kiss on the side of her head right next to her ear.

″Completely tuckered out,″ he smirked, also gazing down to his daughter. ″You wanna have her for a minute for bedtime cuddles?″

″Naah, let's bring her to bed and postpone cuddling-time to tomorrow morning. She'll be up by 6.30, so we better keep her entertained with cuddles until a more human time to get up on a Sunday,″ she laughed. Emilia sleeping through the night or waking up once, twice at the maximum and having a rhythm was quite nice but unfortunately her rhythm was also working on their days off when they could sleep in and she was usually awake between 6.30 and 7.

″Alright,″ Jay nodded in response and walked over to the crib, Erin following on his heels. He placed her on the soft bedding of the crib and put her in the cozy sleeping bag carefully although he didn't have to worry to wake her up because it was clear that she was already in dreamland.

″Goodnight princess,″ he whispered and leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek.

″Sweet dreams baby girl,″ Erin said quietly, stroking her hand over her head before also leaning down to give her goodnight kiss. ″I love you, Emmy,″ she whispered against her cheek, inhaling this unique sweet scent of hers.

Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulders, pressed a kiss against her temple and for a couple of minutes they just stood there, in the dimmed light of the nursery, and watched Emilia sleeping. Now that their baby was sleeping in her own room, this was their new night routine. Reading her a story, bringing her to bed together, if possible, and staying with her for a couple of minutes to make sure she was all settled.

A couple minutes later they tiptoed out of the room, although they knew Emilia's sleep was deep enough to not wake her up again, turned the light out and Jay already made himself comfortable on the couch while Erin changed into yoga pants and a comfy shirt.

″So?″ Jay asked even before she joined him on the couch when she emerged from the bedroom.

″So what?″ Erin asked back, falling onto the couch next to him. A day full of looking for a dress had been exhausting to say the least.

″Did you find a dress?″ he asked smirkingly. Erin turned her head to him, saw the curiosity that surrounded his face. She knew he would die to know about the dress, to see it. But she wouldn't do him any of these favors. Not in a million years.

″Maybe,″ she shrugged and tried to keep her pokerface straight.

″Oh come on babe, at least tell me whether this was a wasted day or not,″ he sighed dramatically, making clear that he wasn't excited to spend another day off completely without her.

″I don't think you have to spend another whole Saturday without me, that's all I say,″ she winked and snuggled into his side, promising herself that she wouldn't give away any other details. She wasn't superstitious, as in that she thought it brought ill luck when he saw her in her dress before the wedding, but she didn't want him to see the dress before, not even a photo of it. This was supposed to be a surprise for him and she would keep it a surprise although she couldn't wait to see his face and literally counted down the days in her head until he would see her wearing it.

″That's at least something I guess,″ he grinned.

″Yeah, you can consider yourself lucky,″ she joked, tracing random patterns onto his chest with the tips of her fingers. ″What did you and Emmy do all day?″

″We went baby swimming in the morning and then-″

″You did what?″ Erin frowned and looked up to him. She hadn't known about this plan.

″We went baby swimming,″ Jay repeated his words, chuckling by her reaction. ″I mean, first we went shopping to buy her a swimsuit but then we went to a baby swimming class. I read in one of these books that it's good for babies three months and older, it strengthens all their muscles, so I decided to give it a shot because she loves to be in the water, so why not?″ he explained.

Erin couldn't help but slighly shake her head while a bright smile flashed across her face. He was the perfect dad already but every day he became even more perfect although she didn't think this was possible. She was sure there was no man in this whole world who was a better dad than him. No man was made to be a dad more than him. Their daughter was the luckiest girl in the world to have a father like him. And she herself was just as lucky to call this incredible man her partner in crime.

″How was it?″ Erin asked, her voice being emotionally affected in the slightest way.

″She loved it, as expected,″ Jay smirked proudly. ″Guess we have a water lover.″

″Uh-huh, surprising,″ she chuckled. Emilia's loved bathing time from the very first second and maybe being born in the water contributed to their daughter loving water that much. ″What about you, though? You liked it was well?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows playfully but Jay didn't get the message behind it as maybe this transition from being all emotional to being all flirtatious was a bit too quick for him.

″Yeah, it was fun,″ he answered and now he was the one furrowing a brow.

″To be the only man amongst ten or so women in that class?″ she teased him, that smile occuring on her face that displayed her dimples in the most perfect manner.

″What? No, I wasn't-″

″Liar,″ Erin laughed. She knew him too well, knew how his facial expressions changed when he was telling a fib. Because Jay and not telling the truth were two things that didn't go well with each other.

″Well okay, maybe I was the only man,″ he admitted. Sometimes it was so easy to get Jay to telling the truth. It didn't even need much effort.

″I bet the women enjoyed that, huh?″ she chuckled, roaming his body with her eyes cockily once more. Their banter was on point tonight, the sexual tension glistering in the air around them.

″I have no idea what you're talking about,″ he answered, his smirk giving him away. He knew exactly what she was referring to.

″Oh come on babe,″ Erin laughed and with one fast move she straddled him, her hands finding his cheeks with her favorite stubble, her lips only centimeters away from his so he could feel her hot breath burning on them. ″You want to tell me _you_ walked in there in _just_ your _bathing trunks_ , carrying our super cute baby in your arm and having a towel and the diaper bag hanging over your shoulder and not _all_ eyes of _all_ women aged 20 to 70 in that swimming pool were on you? Nice try Jay Halstead,″ she giggled.

″Well...″ he sighed dramatically. ″I was innocent, okay? They maybe stared a little.″

″A little, huh?″ Erin grinned, tilting her head to the side, her eyes roaming his torso, knowing exactly what was hidden underneath his shirt that made every woman's mind go places. Hers included. ″I can't blame them though,″ she chuckled, stroking her fingers over his muscular chest and abdomen teasingly. ″How many of them did give you their number and invited you for homemade lunch tomorrow?″

″Uhm...,″ he stumbled, chewing his lower lip and gazing at the fingers that caressed, no _tortured_ , his chest and made it feel like the skin underneath his shirt was burning. How on earth was it even possible that Erin knew exactly what had happened inside of the public swimming pool? And how on earth was he supposed to concentrate when she was sitting so close to the one part of his body that was already aching for more, was ready for more. ″Two of them were single mothers and gave me their numbers and said they would cook for me anytime and that I could always call them in case I need something.″

″Wow, those chicks didn't waste any time I guess,″ Erin laughed, almost feeling sorry for Jay because she knew him, knew that this situation had been highly embarrassing for him. But then again, he should've known that his body would catch the attention of _every_ female individual, so this was actually pretty funny. And of course single mothers would sniff their chance when a hot guy with a baby attended a baby swimming class, hopes rising that he was that kind of weekend-daddy with shared custody and therefore a single parent as well.

″What did you tell' em though?″ she asked, her hand _finally_ resting right above his heart.

″Accepted their invitations of course, what do you think?″ he said, finally being able to tease her back.

″Of course you did,″ Erin chuckled.

″And then I asked them whether it's okay when I bring my fiancée. Have never seen a bubble bursting that fast before,″ he laughed and lifted his head only to look at her with that kind of heart-eyes that literally _killed_ her every single time. Those eyes that told her that no other woman would ever reach her. Those eyes that showed her that these other women had so much to be jealous of because she's got _the_ boy.

″Walking around and bursting single mothers's bubbles and dreams of calling a hot man theirs, shame on you, Jay Halstead. Always knew you were a charmer,″ she smirked.

″There's only one woman that I want to call me hers,″ he murmured, his voice low and so honest, it melted Erin's heart. And just like that, before she could counter anything, he pulled her closer and crashed her lips hardly and passionately to finally stop this foreplay of banter and teasing and get closer to what they'd both known was inevitable in the moment she'd straddled him. It was about damn time...

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 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Also, my exams are done which means I'll update once a week again now! :)**


	55. House Of Dreams

**Guys, I don't even know what to say. My world got crashed just as much as anyone else's. I haven't watched CPD for a couple of months now, simply because these senseless storylines and continuity errors frustrated me too much and when I watch a show I want to enjoy it, not having the urge to throw my cell against a wall afterwards. I've followed the things that happened anyway, to check whether it's worth to watch again, worth my time again and no matter how much I told myself I wouldn't watch it again in case Linstead aren't back together by the end of the season, I know I would've started to watch it again in S5 as soon as these two dorks were a thing again.**

 **And now it feels like a slap in the face, that after four years, this is what remains from our beloved Linstead, that is how things end with a couple that was supposed to be endgame. I still can't believe it and I'm in complete shock and denial and could rant so much more as there are so many damn things I'm mad about but I just don't feel like ranting these days because what's the worth of it anyway?**

 **I will, however, continue to write this story. It's somehow my safe place, my escape from reality and I met so many great people here and thanks to Linstead I was finally able to post something I scrawled down. I have so many more ideas to keep this bubble alive for a little longer and I would be happy if you guys stay with me and bring this story to a deserving end though I can totally understand if you can't read Linstead fics anymore now knowing that nothing of this will ever happen.**

 **But no matter whether you stay or leave, I just want to say: thanks for all your support, it means the world to me!**

 **One last thing: I don't know what's going with the notifications and whether you got notified about the latest chapter with the wedding dress but if you haven't I would recommend reading it before you read this one ;)**

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 **55\. House Of Dreams**

″Where do we go?″ Erin asked Jay on the following Sunday morning after lots of morning cuddles with Emilia in their big bed and enjoying a delicious breakfast consisting of Jay's homemade apple crisp pancakes, when they were on the way to their car. During breakfast he'd told her he needed to show her something, had a surprise for her, this surprise-thing slowly becoming a pattern. As she was a curious person this naturally drove her nuts, especially since he didn't want to reveal any further details.

″Wait and see,″ Jay grinned, giving her his standard answer to this question. He settled Emilia's car seat behind the driver's seat and sneaked into the front seat a minute later.

″Sometimes I really hate you,″ she chuckled and buckled her seatbelt.

″Naah, you don't,″ he answered, put the gear shift into drive and pulled out on the street.

″You know me too well, babe,″ she winked, slightly shaking her head. ″But still, I'm curious.″

″Don't I know it,″ Jay laughed, hoping that their banter, that was still alive from last night, would hide his nervousness. Because what was about to come was almost as huge as proposing to her had been in December.

During their drive, the only noise in the car came from the radio but it was a comfortable silence, curiosity filling the air. Erin was staring out of the window, trying to figure out where they were about to head. They drove along the Lake Shore drive for a minute, but of course she still had no clue about any possible destination that was a bit outside of the city because they could literally head anywhere from here. Maybe they would spend this beautiful, almost summerly day at another park a bit outside of the city but they hadn't taken the stroller, the baby carrier or anything else with them that contributed to this idea. And when they left the Lake Shore drive only a couple minutes later, her suspicion, that this wasn't a Sunday family trip out of town, got confirmed. It seemed like for whatever reason they were heading to the suburbs, maybe Beverly or Mount Greenwood she assumed. She hasn't been here often, only when it had to do with a crime and they had to notify the relatives of their victims. Which didn't happen often as this was one of the really nice family neighborhoods in Chicago with good schools and lots of green places with playgrounds and a low crime rate and barely any troubled kids.

″The suburbs?″ Erin asked in confusion, when she recognized they were indeed driving right to Beverly. What would _they_ do in the suburbs on a Sunday morning? Her detective brain for sure wasn't working at it's best in the early hours of this sunny day.

″Looks like,″ Jay chuckled nervously and kept on driving on the main road before taking a few turns and ending up in a really nice residential neighborhood, far away from the busy streets, beautiful houses with green front gardens and trees lining the street. Kids were playing outside in front of the garages, shooting hoops or painting the driveway and sidewalk with cranyons.

It was only when Jay parked the car in front of one of the houses where no kids played in front that she was able to put and two together and her mind came up with two words instantly: house hunting. They had only occasionally talked about their plan of buying a house with a garden in the last few weeks and months, this dream having always been put in the back of their minds. With welcoming Emilia into their world and planning their wedding everything had been crazy enough and there hadn't been the time to really look into it and for now their apartment did a proper job as their home. It wasn't too big but it was enough for them. Nonetheless it seemed like Jay had indeed invested quite some time to look into possible new homes for them. In Beverly apparently, _the_ neighborhood for young families. This man didn't do things by halves.

″So house hunting, huh?″ Erin asked and gazed out of the window to take a look at the house Jay'd apparently decided could be the one house they could live in in the future. And although she definitely liked what she saw, she couldn't help but feel somewhat taken by surprise.

″Uh-huh, I got a tip last week that there's a house for sale here and Emmy and I checked it out yesterday after the baby swimming class and thought it's worth showing you,″ Jay explained and reached for Erin's hand only to feel that she was quite tense. ″What do you think?″

Erin didn't answer immediately. The detached, two-story brick house was quite big, most probably even too big for them. It was beyond beautiful from the outside, seemed to be newly built or at least completely renovated not long ago, huge white casement windows covering the fascade. It was surrounded by a garden, a double garage and driveway on the left side, attached to the house, a neat frontyard with a little tree and colorful flowers leading the way up the stairs to the porch and the white wooden front door. It was kinda scary but it was exactly what she's been dreaming of. Only that it was too big for them in her opinion.

″It's big,″ she stated honestly and turned her head to him, giving him an insecure smile. ″I mean, it's beautiful. But it's big.″

″Yeah, you know, five bedrooms need quite some space,″ he winked, trying to convince her from the benefits as he could totally see the doubts in her face.

″Five bedrooms?!″ she echoed, her eyes widening in disbelief. Her fiancé was apparently out of his mind when he thought they needed that much space. ″That's ridiculous Jay, we sure as hell don't need _five_ bedrooms.″

″Well, we need one for us and Emmy needs one. Then we could use one as a guest room and one as a man cave for me, you know, with a 65-inch-flatscreen,″ he smirked and even got a smile in return from her. Over the last few months since he'd moved in, he's driven her nuts with buying a bigger TV so watching his beloved sports as in soccer, baseball, basketball, ice hockey, football and all the other stuff he liked to watch, would get even more enjoyable.

″And the fifth one we'll maybe need one day for Halstead number two,″ he winked smilingly, more jokingly than anything else, but the moment he'd spoken these words out loud, he knew his joke had fallen flat and that it had been the complete wrong thing to say. Erin sucked in a sharp breath, the tension in her hand making a comeback, her face full of incomprehension and anxiety.

 _Well done, statement of the year_ , Jay thought, having the urge to punch himself for his own stupidity. Sometimes he still couldn't believe they'd made it to that point where they were right now and yet he'd just took her unawares by blurting his thoughts about a second child out in front of her, like it was nothing, not a big deal. It had indeed just been a joke but he should've known better than joking about such a delicate subject. And he couldn't disown the fact that the tone of his voice had maybe been a bit too serious for it being just a joke, a bit of wishful thinking mixed into it. _Sometimes I should just shut the fuck up or think before I speak_ , he thought but too much anticipation had probably overcome him here.

″Huh,″ Erin only shrugged in response because she honestly didn't know what to answer. This statement had caught her off guard in various ways. They haven't talked about a second child yet. Naturally, as their daughter was only three-and-a-half months old and adding another one to their brood was the very last thing on her mind as they were still adjusting to their new life although they _loved_ everything about it. Having Emilia was enough for her. She was grateful for what they had and her life was as perfect as never before. She wasn't sure whether having a second at some point was it for her although she loved being a mother, although being a mother fulfilled her in a way she never thought it would.

″Don't you want to have a second child at some point?″ Jay asked and tried to make it sound light, suited to the _joke_ before. Now that he'd blurted it out like this he could and should simply ask her as it was too late to take anything back anyway though a conversation about the future has definitely not been his mission of the day. But now he somehow had to pay the prize for a typical speaking-before-thinking-accident.

Erin sensed immediately that adding another one to the mix was very much on his agenda, no matter that he'd said it jokingly. Some truth was almost always behind such a statement. So she tried to choose her words advisedly as she didn't want to hurt him.

″I don't know Jay. Emilia is just three months old and she's my priority...-″ she started to explain, not looking at him while doing so.

″Hey babe, I didn't say: let's go home and make another baby,″ he answered understandingly, trying to lighten the mood somehow, tracing light circles into the palm of her rigid hand with his fingers. ″But maybe one day...″

″Jay I can't promise you something like this. Maybe one day, yeah, but as of right now I more tend to maybe not. I'm grateful for what we have and I feel like I'm _complete_. We're complete.″ She tried to keep her voice low and fought against the urge to snap at him for somehow presenting her with a fait accompli. She didn't want to spend the rare time she had with him with arguing and fighting. But it literally took her _all_ her self-control to keep her tone friendly.

″Okay,″ Jay answered and squeezed her hand. He didn't want to put up a fight over this because it hadn't been the smartest move to burst something like this out jokingly in front of her instead of talking about it with her when the time was right, a couple of _years_ down the road. But when he'd seen the house and all the rooms for the first time yesterday he'd indeed _imagined_ that two kids would one day run through the backyard. Because in his mind Emilia wasn't going to stay an only child if possible. But this was not his decision to make. It was something they should one day decide together and he'd completely overstrained her by giving her the impression that he'd already planned _their_ future without asking her about how she imagined their forever. ″I'm sorry,″ he murmured.

″No, I'm sorry,″ she sighed and finally looked him in the eyes again. ″Can we decide that we both keep an open mind on both options?″

″Of course,″ Jay nodded and moved his hand up to her face to cup her cheek.

Erin inhaled another deep breath and Jay knew there was more to come, more she had on her chest, that she wasn't convinced yet, the doubtful look on her face telling him all he needed to know. "Jay, are we really on the same page about that? About our future? Because if not, I don't know whether anything of this makes sense..." she said quietly, looking at the house and then down to her engagement ring, her voice trailing off towards the end.

Jay's heart sunk to his knees by her words. This had not been his intention, hell this wasn't what his words should've triggered in her, that she started to call certain things into question again, particularly _them_.

"Babe, you and Emmy are _everything_ I need in my life and whatever the future holds for us, another child or maybe just a dog or staying just the three of us, we're facing it together. It wasn't my intention to take you by surpise, to pressure you. It was just some sort of joke. One that fell flat," he apologized. "This life is more than I ever could've dreamed of and I don't need anything else but you and Emmy to be happy, Erin, and I know you know that,″ he said honestly, his voice emotionally affected.

Of course she knew. "I know," she told him, nodding her head slightly, finally looking at him again. ″And just so you know, it's not that I'm _completely_ against the idea of having another child with you somewhen in the future, Jay. You're the greatest and best father and every child that is allowed to call you daddy is blessed beyond limits. Seeing you with Emmy gets me every single time and you are truly made to be a dad,″ she said and offered him a weak smile. ″It's just that _I_ can't _imagine_ having more than one, that I don't feel like I can _handle_ more than one, that I don't feel like I _want_ more than one. Right now. And I can't promise you whether this will change two or three years from now. That's why I want to make sure that we're okay. But I'll keep an open mind and we'll see what the future holds for us.″

″So do I,″ he agreed and brushed a short, apologizing kiss against her lips. _Averted disaster last-minute._ It was time for a change of topic, they were here for other reasons after all. ″Do you want to take a look inside the house anyway? I honestly think you'll love it.″

Of course she would love it, she knew it already. Jay wouldn't show her a house when he wasn't completely sure she would like it. He wouldn't show her a house he wasn't positive about himself. But there was still the fact that it was big and there was no doubt on her mind that this house was going to cost a fortune. They could simply look for a smaller house with only 3 bedrooms or 4 at the maximum, one that was more their size and therefore more affordable.

″Can we even afford that?″ she asked him. Regardless the size and only from seeing it from the outside, this house had the potential to be their house of dreams so she wanted to make sure that it was possible for them to buy it before she would go in and fall completely in love with it. And there were quite some doubts on her mind that such a house in such a neighborhood was affordable for them. It wasn't her plan to pay a loan back for the rest of their lives after all.

She knew Jay had quite some savings back from the days when he'd been on duty in Afghanistan multiple times, earning good money without actually needing it overseas in a war zone. Plus his share of his mother's heritage, which wasn't much but still a little amount they could use. Although his mother had died thinking he was dead he'd been a legal heir because she'd already been too sick to change her testament. From his grandfather he'd inherited the cabin in Wisconsin while his money had been split between Will, Izzie and Nick. She herself had started saving money again after her sabbatical and they had their apartment they could sell to pay the old mortgage off and using the rest of the proceeds as equity capital as well. But regardless that they in fact had a bit of equity capital, she sensed that they were not anywhere near of having enough that would keep them from having to pay off the mortgage for this house for the next forty years.

″Do you think I would show you a house we actually can't afford?″ he asked back with the softest of voices, hearing the obvious doubt in her voice. ″Let's get out of the car, let's walk up to the porch and I'll tell you a couple more details before we go in. I know you want to see it,″ he smirked.

″I do actually,″ she grinned faintly, a soft nod signalising him that she was in although she still wasn't entirely conviced that they had the money to make this place their home.

″Okay, then come on,″ Jay smiled, opened his door to get out of the car, took the car seat from the backseat and intertwined his hand with Erin's, that was still too tense for his liking, when they made their way through the frontyard, the sweet smell of spring surrounding them.

″So, as you see this is a relatively new neighborhood and I guess the most special thing about this house is, we would be the first to live in it,″ he said, earning the most confused glance from Erin, just as he'd expected. ″A couple built it for their family of four not long ago but the father got a job offer from overseas before they moved in. That kind of job offer you only get once in a lifetime and doesn't make you think twice, even when you just built a house. This means there's no need for any renovations, just painting some rooms maybe. The family will move to Switzerland in the next eight weeks and they really just want to sell it to the right people that value it truly and make it a special place. To cut a long story short, I made quite the impression on them and maybe our super adorable daughter contributed to it just as much,″ he chuckled shortly before he continued, ″and a police officer once saved their daughter's life, so they kinda have a thing for first responders and were very impressed with both of us bringing justice to this city every day. And they would indeed sell it to us in case we want it as they think we _are_ the right people. For a very reasonable prize that still requires quite the mortgage but is nonetheless significantly lower than what you would usually pay for a house that size in this neighborhood.″

″Quite some people you made an impression on yesterday, huh?″ Erin chuckled and raised her eyebrows. Her usual flirty demeanour seemed to make a comeback. _Thank God._

″Yeah, I kinda nailed it yesterday,″ he smirked proudly. ″Surprised?″

″Not really,″ she laughed and Jay was glad the tension between them seemed to slowly fade. They reached the front door and Erin tried to catch a glimpse through the big windows and to see what laid behind them.

″You want to take a real look inside?″ Jay asked her expectantly, sensing that he had almost convinced her in at least actually going inside. And there was still one thing she didn't know yet but this was his trump card in case she still wasn't convinced after seeing the house from the inside. Because he sensed she would indeed fall in love with this house once she was inside, he knew his woman after all, but she'd maybe still struggle about what buying a house really meant for them, the responsibility that came with it probably overstraining her, because yeah, he knew his woman.

″I guess so, yeah,″ Erin smiled faintly. She already had the feeling that she would like whatever was behind that door and she tried to keep her excitement low because the thought of buying a house, of paying such a giant mortgage back kinda freaked her out.

″Okay,″ Jay nodded, pulled a key out of the pockets of his jeans and unlocked the front door a moment later.

They stepped inside a quite big, light hall, the steps to the upper level on the left, and Jay started to show her around. The first room they went into was the light-flooded kitchen with a cooking island and white cabinets and a granite top and a dark wooden floor. The kitchen was quite big, especially compared to what they had right now, and as it was an open kitchen, they could directly go to the huge, open dining and living room that was connected. The light shined through the many giant casement windows and on the wall that was the backfront of the house, next to the windows, was a French window that lead the way to the patio which was surrounded by a beautiful garden with the greenest grass, some flowers and a maple tree. They walked outside, took the few steps down from the patio and when they stood in the middle of their possible garden, Erin could totally imagine how they would have a sandbox in the shade of the tree, a swing set on the other end of the garden as well as a kiddie pool during the hot Chicago summers and maybe even a trampoline at some point. Not to forget a basketball hoop for Jay. It seemed to be so peaceful here, no noises from the city, just the birds chirping and some kids laughing in the neighborhood and Erin could absolutely envision how their life here would look like, the word perfection not doing her visions justice. And maybe, for a second, she could understand why Jay'd mentioned a second child because she sensed to know to which place his mind had traveled yesterday when he'd been here for the first time.

After enjoying some moments outside, they went back inside and Jay showed her another room on this floor, a possible guest room or the man cave he dreamed of, and a small bathroom before they took a look at the garages and the basement with the laundry room, the pantry and another big room with a carpeted floor they could use as a storeroom for various things as the house had only a small attic. The last rooms he showed her were the four remaining bedrooms upstairs and another bathroom, all of the rooms having roof slopes which was pretty neat and charming. Every bedroom was quite big, just as light-flooded as the rooms downstairs, the beautiful dark wood covering the floors as well. The master bedroom had a seperate bathroom with both, a big tub and a shower with dual steam heads that let Erin's mind go places, and it even had an access to another small balcony that also faced the garden. There was no doubt on Erin's mind that this house was worth every penny because it was modern, charming, new, beautiful and perfect and indeed her house of dreams.

″What do you think?″ Jay finally asked her after showing her every detail of the house when they were still standing in the master bedroom, the last room he'd shown her.

″I love it. It's perfect,″ she answered honestly but there was still something that held her back from being completely enthusiastic. The thought about buying a house, this house, scared the crap out of her. Could they handle all the responsibilities that came with it? Could they make it work, out here in the suburbs? Shouldn't they simply cherish the life they lived in their cozy apartment instead of aiming for something as huge as a house in the outskirts? All these questions swirled through her head though deep down inside she knew the answers to all her questions: they could handle anything. As long as they had each other. ″But it's too big for us, Jay. Who's even going to keep that house clean for example?″

″You have a pretty good house husband, don't you remember?″ he chuckled softly, being kinda relieved that cleaning problems seemed to be her only sorrows by now. How wrong he was though. He needed to buckle down a bit more here. ″It'll be a bit more work for us, but you and me, we'll get it handled. It's not your burden to keep this house clean, Er. It's ours.″

″Huh,″ she shrugged but had to grin a little nonetheless because this statement was so much Jay and she knew he would even clean this house after an endless and exhausting day at work just that she didn't have to do it all by herself. Given that he didn't have to work through the better part of night like he's had to quite often during the last couple of weeks. "What about the spare bedrooms? We don't need five rooms," she stated once more.

″It's always advantageous to have a guest room, you know, when Liv and Noah visit us or Michael and Susan," he said, trying to convince he from the benefits, bringing his ideas up again.

"Yeah well, that's true," she smiled, imagining that Liv and Noah or Michael and Susan could maybe visit them more often in the future in case they would buy this huge house. "I guess I'm okay with the guest room. But it makes two left anyway..."

"My man cave...," he winked smilingly. "You know I could have that 65-inch-flatscreen and I could paint the Cubs or the Hawks or the Bulls or the Bears logo on the wall, or maybe all of them," he chuckled and his eyes sparkled excitedly. "A playstation for when Adam and Kevin come over or Will, a dartboard, a foosball table, you know, all that stuff you wouldn't let me have in any other room," he smirked boyishly.

"That means you'll watch sports in your man cave in the future while I watch TV in the living room? So you're basically trading me for your man cave?" she noticed in mock offence, the joke in her voice thankfully being evident. She wasn't exactly super excited about his ideas of making one of the rooms his man cave as their time they could enjoy as a couple was limited anyway, so she didn't really want him to be in another room in the evenings he actually was at home. But how could she possibly deny him something when he stood in front of her, looking like a kid in candystore while talking about the vision of his little paradise?

"Kind of," Jay teased her and pulled her into his embrace, looking down into her hazel eyes with endless love. "But you'll be the only woman that is allowed to set foot in there."

"Wooow," Erin laughed. "Now I feel special."

"You should," he murmured, pecking her lips shortly and slapping his hand across her backside. "A lot of things can happen in a man cave, you know?" he added huskily, Erin getting the message instantly, her cheeks blushing a little. _God, what was going on with them since yesterday evening?_ Their sexual tension was _insane,_ possibly the result of not having had too much time for intimate moments for too long.

"Uh-huh," she nodded eagerly, heat still crawling up in her body, so she cleared her throat to gather herself before speaking. "Well, then a man cave for my man. That makes still one room left, right?" she asked. In her opinion one room wasted in case they never needed another nursery. And in case they ever needed an additional nursery they could easily transform one of the other two rooms into a one, so they still didn't need _five_ bedrooms.

Of course Jay came up with another idea, because what else. He was a man with a plan. "What if Emilia gets a bedroom _and_ a playroom? You know, one room with the crib, the changing table, her closets, the rocking chair, the baby mat and only a few toys and some stuffies and one room with all of her toys, almost like her own indoor playground?″

″We're definitely not going to spoil our daughter in such a way as giving her _two_ rooms, Jay Halstead!″ she called incredulously, her finger poking into his chest. She knew Emilia was Jay's princess but this would just overdo things immensely. ″There's no way our daughter's going to be some spoiled princess! She will grow up down to earth, cherishing the things she has,″ she added, her voice as strict as she meant it.

″She will,″ Jay answered calmingly. ″You and I will make sure of that. But wouldn't it be amazing, if we didn't have to tidy up her nursery every evening and put all her toys in boxes so we don't fall over them in case she needs us during the night? Wouldn't it be awesome if she had a room where it doesn't matter that her toys are spread all over the floor? A room we only have to tidy up every couple of weeks?″ he asked her, a winning smile rushing over his face because he knew with this argument he had her on his side. Every room Erin could leave messy or had to tidy up less was a great one for her.

″That's actually pretty smart,″ Erin admitted and a grin spread across her face. One room less to tidy up was indeed beyond attractive, so this was definitely his victory.

″I know,″ Jay smirked, looking at her somewhat expectantly. ″So?″

Erin gazed around the room again. She loved this house and she could envision their settled family life here, but still, buying this house was _huge_ and it filled her with a bit of anxiety. "Do we even fit into this neighborhood, Jay?" she asked, her voice suddenly being a tad bit insecure instead of teasing. "I mean, surely all the moms here are stay-at-home moms who always meet in one of their nice gardens in the mornings to drink coffee and chitchat about others and let their kids play together. Moms who have all the time to plant their neat frontyards and prepare dinner for their husbands. But I'm a working mom and...-" she sighed.

"And it's great that you are, Erin," he assured her instantly. "Each their own. They can do what they want, what's best for them and we can do what we want, what's best for us. None of their business how we're living our life and anyway, since when do we care about what other people think?"

"I do...sometimes," she shrugged.

"Yeah, sometimes I do, too. But not in this case," he answered honestly. "So?" he asked her again.

″I don't know,″ she said, not exactly the answer he's been waiting for one he'd somehow expected. This was a huge responsibility and she was possibly scared that they were rushing things, however definitely scared of the responsibility. Usually he would give her time to think about it properly, would not pressure her, but this house was available now and for sure not for too long and it was the house of his dreams and if they didn't take it, they would compare all the houses, they would look into in the future, to this one and finding one they liked would literally become impossible. Because this was it.

″It's the house of my dreams...-″ Erin interrupted his thoughts and he smiled by her statement, confirming that she loved the house as much as he did. Nonetheless he knew she needed one last push to overcome her insecurity whether this was the right choice, the right move.

″It's mine as well. And this is a chance we'll never get again,″ he said softly, pulling his phone out of his pocket to type a short message. Erin gave him a somewhat confused glance before he put it back into the pocket of his jeans again.

″You remember how I told you the most special thing about the house is that we're the first to live in?″ he asked her before she could ask him what this had been about.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded slowly. Now he definitely has got her confused.

″Well, that wasn't quite the truth,″ he smirked, ″because there's one thing about this house that's even more special.″

 _If he's now telling me he already bought it, I'm going to kill him,_ Erin thought. She hated it when people went over her head and that he had looked into houses without asking her whether now was the right time and had detailed plans about their future has been enough already. The fact that she hadn't freaked out about it was nothing short of a miracle because in earlier days she would've given him a piece of her mind _for_ _sure_.

″Is there?″ she asked anxiously, hoping that her fiancé wouldn't give her a reason to freak out completely. Or _actually_ kill him.

″Yep, save the best for last,″ he smirked and pushed her towards the French window and out on the balcony. Before Erin could ask what they were doing here, he whispered into her ear from behind: ″I know the neighbors.″

He grabbed her shoulders softly and turned her to the left and Erin couldn't believe her eyes when she saw Justin with Daniel and a heavily pregnant Olive standing on the balcony of the house next to them.

″No way,″ she called, being completely perplex. This was something she definitely hadn't been expecting. She'd indeed needed a little push to overcome the rest of her doubts but this was the biggest push possible. ″You guys are going to buy that house and moving in there?″

″You bet,″ Justin laughed. ″Bought it already. Guess who gave Jay the tip about the house on which balcony you're standing right now.″

"I didn't look into houses, it was the last thing on my mind to be honest. But at your birthday I talked about the possibility of buying a house _somewhen_ with Justin and last week he called me, telling me about their new house and about the house for sale right next to them. We thought you'd love it and we liked the idea as well," Jay explained from behind.

″Wow,″ Erin mumbled as words failed her and shook her head in disbelief. Justin had told Jay about a possible house for them. Justin wanted Jay to be his neighbor. What was going on here? And much more, they could move into their house of dreams, they would live right next door to her little brother and Emilia, Daniel and Henry could all grow up together. It couldn't get any more perfect than this, regardless that this house had too many rooms they would waste with a man cave and whatever else, regardless the responsibility. This was too perfect to be true and Jay hadn't gone over her head by looking for houses without telling her or asking her. It was a simple, perfect coincidence, possibly exactly meant to be like this.

″You down?″ he whispered into her ear, knowing the answer already.

She startled from her daze, from her daydreams about the three cousins growing up together and spun around, her eyes sparkling joyfully, the softest of smiles surrounding her perfect face.

She brushed her lips against his lips. ″I'm down.″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	56. Scared To Be Happy

**Thank you all so so much for all the lovely comments and messages! I'm happy to hear that you're going to stay with me until the end, it really means a loooot! :)**

 **This one is a bit on the shorter side (at least compared to the usual length) and it's kind of a filler chapter but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.**

 **Disclaimer: I still own nada.**

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 **56\. Scared To Be Happy**

Erin was holstering her gun for the first time in almost 10 months, putting her star on her belt as well, when Jay joined her in the locker room of the bullpen on Monday after their house hunting weekend around lunch time.

″Hey you,″ she said when she saw him stepping into the room. ″How was it at the crime scene?″

″Not nice,″ Jay sighed, trying to push the picture of their 20-year-old victim who'd been burned alive into the back of his head. ″But tell me about your gun requalification." That was what he's been curious about for the last three hours after all. Her missing gun requalification had been the reason why she hasn't been allowed to be at the crime scenes or out in general with the rest of the unit yet, which had therefore extended her desk duty for a couple more days although Emmy was with her babysitter once a week now. ″Did you pass?″

″You didn't just _really_ ask whether I passed, did you?″ she asked back, throwing him a little death glare for even considering that there was a possibility she hadn't passed. She pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans and showed him a picture of her dispersion pattern proudly. All her shots were almost all right in the center and it wasn't possible to do it much better than this. She was _almost_ as good as him.

 _That's my girl,_ Jay thought, a big, proud smile rushing over his face. ″Son of a bitch,″ he smirked. ″Nailed it, huh?″

″Yeah, I would say so,″ she grinned shortly, her voice being pensively at the same time, before seriousness started to overshadow her face. She looked down to her belt and her gun, swiped her fingers over her star abstractedly and suddenly it seemed like she was fighting with herself.

″What's wrong?″ Jay frowned, the change in her behavior being all obvious for him, and watched how she was chewing on her lips.

″This is the right move for me, right?″ she asked quietly, still not looking up but focussing on her fingers which drew patterns onto her badge. The badge she was so damn proud of. Because it made her who she was. At least in the past it had made her who she was. But now, being a mother, she suddenly struggled to figure out whether this was still who she was. The badass cop, always seeking for some kind of thrill.

″What do you mean?″

″Me being back at work, doing the dangerous stuff as well. I can still do that although I'm a mom, right?″ she asked, insecurity displaying from her voice.

″Of course you can,″ Jay assured her and cupped her cheek with his hand so she had to look at him. When their eyes met she reminded him of a doe in the beam of the headlights. ″As long as you feel like it's the right move, it is the right move. Only when you don't feel comfortable with it, you should maybe skip the dangerous stuff for now because you need to have your head in the game when we go in somewhere. No distractions.″

″It's not that I'm scared. If I was I could look for a permanent job behind a desk. I love my job in Intelligence, every single part of it, and I'm excited for the first time I'm allowed to wear my vest again and bust some drugdealers that think they're smarter than us. It's just...I know it's not a given that cops make it home in the evening...I'm aware that bad things happen all the time...especially to us because we kinda booked front row seats when it comes to tragedy and drama...so what if...what if something happens to us...to the both of us at the same time during a bust or a chase? Life can be cruel...we see more cruelty in a week than most people see in a lifetime...and no child should lose their parents and Emilia should at least always have one of us...she shouldn't be left behind alone...″ she rambled and her voice broke, tears looming in her beautiful hazel-green eyes.

″Hey babe,″ Jay whispered, brushing the pad of his thumb over her face to give her some comfort. Of course he'd thought about this as well but what should he tell her? If there was one thing life had taught them, it was that it was unpredictable and that there were no guarantees. Only hope that fate wouldn't force any of the three of them to get left behind. ″She's always going to have both of her parents, okay?″ he said, knowing very well that this wasn't as convincing as she needed it to be.

″That's what we hope,″ she answered, inhaling a deep breath to steady her voice. ″But we can't know that. And when we go out there, although I know you have my back and you can be sure that I always have yours, I want to be sure that there is someone who would raise her like their own in case something ever happens to us.″

″Something like a guardian?″

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded briefly.

″You want it to be Hank?″ he asked, guessing that her father-figure was her first choice, his hand trailing down to her shoulder, squeezing her uptight muscles gently.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″I've been going back and forth with that and it's anyway something we should decide together, not just me alone. I thought about Hank indeed because he raised me as well and I trust him. But him taking care of her if...you know...that would mean he couldn't protect this city in the way he wants to protect it. And in the way this city needs his protection. I thought about your brother as well but he also has a full-time-job with different shifts all the time and taking care of her would most probably come with restrictions for him in regard with his job. I don't want to give anyone that burden to change their lives drastically...″ she explained and her voice trailed off once more.

Jay didn't like the way she was talking. Completely didn't like it. More like utterly hated it as it filled him with anxiety. Because she talked like it was already carved in stone that something would happen to them at some point, that they would leave Emilia behind and someone else had to raise her.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed, his hand moving up to her cheek again. ″ _If_ something ever happens to us, no one would deny to take care of our daughter and raise her for us. No one,″ he said softly. _And if something happens to us all their lives would change drastically in various ways anyway_ , he thought but held back from speaking it out loud.

″And babe,″ he then almost whispered, his voice affected by raw emotions, ″as much as I hate the thought of you leaving me or me leaving you before we grew old and grey and wrinkled together in Wisconsin, I have to tell you that she'll always have one of us. Because we mostly do the really dangerous stuff in the evening or during the night. And the only evening you'll work somewhen will be the one I go home early to be with our princess. And all the other mornings when we work together it can for sure get dangerous. There can always be shootings or chases throughout the day as well that might get dangerous. But we'll always have each other's back, all the guys have our backs whenever we're not teamed up together, so these are the normal risks we have to face and other than those mornings we both work one of us will _always_ be with her.″

He placed a short kiss on her forehead and pulled her into his embrace because he knew that this was what she needed most right now. Just being held by him, his strong arms giving her some security.

″And you know what?″ he murmured into her hair, deciding that he didn't want to leave her in this state of mind any longer.

″Huh?″ she asked and lifted her head.

″We'll be there when she starts to crawl. When she starts to pull herself up everywhere because she wants to stand on her own little feet. When she takes her first steps. When she says her first word...which will be daddy of course,″ he chuckled softly and even got a faint grin and an attempted eye-brow raise from her in return. He sensed she wanted to argue so he continued talking before she could. ″We'll be there to watch Frozen with her every single time she wants to watch it. We'll be there when she pretends to be Elsa or Anna and sings Let It Go in the most adorable way. We'll be there for her first day at school. We'll be there when she goes out with friends in the evening for the first time. We'll be there when she introduces her first boyfriend,″ he said somewhat teeth-gnashingly. ″We'll be there for her during her first heartbreak. Because you know, this will be the time for me to break some guy's neck,″ he smiled softly and even got a real, raspy chuckle from her in return. ″We will be there, Erin. You and me, we will be there. Both.″

She looked at him, unshed tears sparkling in her eyes once more. This man was a saint in so many damn ways. Not only that he knew the details about Frozen, which let her wonder whether he'd watched it secretly somewhen because she didn't know a single thing about the movie that was loved my millions of girls all over the world, but also because he had a way of talking to her, of choosing words that really made her believe him.

″We will be there,″ she echoed and nodded, convincing herself. She would want a guardian for Emilia anyway but Jay's words had once again helped her to calm down nonetheless. He was right, chances were slim that something bad happened to both of them at the same time. Life has used them as bouncy balls or punching bags for long enough and for once they deserved that everything turned out fine, without constant tragedies. Maybe they just had to believe in the good things more often for them to come true. Maybe they simply had to believe in their happy end instead of always waiting for another drama to blow up just around the corner. Maybe fate was finally clement with them and would stop playing tricks on them, testing how strong they were and how much they could take. Maybe they were really allowed to grow old and grey and wrinkled together. In Wisconsin, just like Jay'd already been dreaming of during the time when they'd dated behind Hank's back and their relationship status had been something between having an electrifying affair and having serious feelings for each other.

″We will,″ Jay said once more, taking her hand in his, squeezing it shortly.

″We will,″ she echoed again, took a deep breath and brushed her lips against him shortly. Keeping it professional in the bullpen was something they'd quit a long time ago. ″Thank you,″ she whispered against his mouth.

″Always,″ he smiled and pecked her lips again. ″Are you ready to join me with questioning some of our victim's friends then?″

″Yeah, I guess I am,″ she said, giving him a thankful smile, her hand clapsing against her badge. ″And the first suspect we're going to bring into interrogation will be mine to interrogate. Can't wait to tear some little turd apart.″

 _Me neither_ , Jay thought. ″That should get interesting,″ he laughed before they made their way to the pen to sum up the facts they already had and brief Erin with the case. Erin as a mom was one thing and he loved Erin in full mommy-mode. But Erin as a cop, in badass-mode, was also something he could never get enough of.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It didn't even need a day for the whole unit to realize that Erin apparently hadn't lost her sass when it came to interrogating fishy suspects and pricks. To say she was on fire was quite an understatement and although she was still only in cop-mode once a week for a couple of hours it felt like she'd never left. The suspects they'd cuffed during the last few months might have been lucky that she hadn't been there to interrogate them but then again, with Hank Voight being the head of Intelligence no guilty suspect could ever be considered to be lucky.

It was two weeks after her gun requalification, the calendar nearing the end of May, when Erin decided that she was ready to add another morning that Emilia would spend with Carol. Monday and Friday from around 7.30 in the morning to around 2.30 in the afternoon were now the days she would spend seperated from her daughter. Adding hours or mornings whenever she was ready for it has made the transition from maternity leave back to work life quite comfortable and easy for her and she was thankful that she was allowed to do it like this as she knew this wasn't a given but rather a rare luxury.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey beautifuls,″ Jay said on early Friday evening when he stepped into the nursery after wrapping their current case quite early in the afternoon, leaving the pen only two hours after Erin. The first weekend of June was ahead, which meant Emilia was four months old. And their little lady was changing rapidly and growing like a crazy, it seriously scared the crap out of them. Rolling over was her favorite thing to do, she literally did it all day long, and Erin could've sworn Emmy was already making attempts to crawl. Not really crawling of course but whenever she was lying on her tummy on her playmat on the floor, she tried to move away from her current spot. Thankfully her legs and arms weren't strong enough for such activities yet because Erin _seriously_ wasn't ready for her baby to crawl. She needed her to stay her little baby for just a tad bit longer.

″Hey handsome,″ Erin grinned and looked up to the man who looked beyond handsome and way too sexy in his black jeans and the grey henley, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. She was sitting on the floor, Emilia sitting in her lap, playing with a rattle, squeaking joyfully whenever she managed to shake it as hard that it made a noise. But the current toy was only interesting as long as Erin didn't show her another one. Then she would let go of the toy she was holding in her tiny hand and reach for the one in her mother's hand. Seeing the various toys spread around them, Jay assumed they must've played this game for quite a while now.

Jay sat down right next to them, pressed a long, lingering kiss on Erin's lips first and then leaned down to place a kiss on Emilia's head. ″Hey princess, how's it going?″ he asked, picked the little stuffed elephant, that she'd gotten from Will on the day of her birth, up to show her. Of course she dumped the rattle instantly and reached for the elephant instead, giving her father her famous, big smile, one that was contagious and melted his heart, like ice melted in the sun, every time. Jay was sure Emilia was the happiest baby on this planet because it required quite a lot that she wasn't smiling. Their daughter was still demanding though and let them know loudly when she wasn't satisfied with the situation. But other than that she was happy and alert at all times although her serious and judging faces were darn cute as well. They always reminded him of Erin's pout and her facial expressions when she was serious and he sensed that their daughter had not only inherited her mother's looks but also her character because the similarities were obvious already.

″You want to go to daddy?″ Erin asked her baby and picked her up to settle her in Jay's lap. He placed his hand on her stomach to hold her safely although she was more lying in his lap than sitting since she wasn't supposed to sit for too long yet.

Erin leaned her head against his strong shoulder, tickled the hairline of his neck with the tips of her fingers while now Jay was the one to pick up toys and show them to Emmy. But currently she seemed to be all fascinated by a chunky yellow ring from her Stacking Ring toy for which she was too young yet to use it properly. Not too young to explore it with her mouth though. She loved to put her hands and fingers in her mouth as well as bringing her toys up to her mouth, her drool covering literally everything these days.

″Soooooo,″ Jay said into the silence, in a way that made Erin look up instantly. ″The bank called earlier,″ he added and looked down into her face, giving her a meaningful glance.

″They did?″ she asked back, looking at him expectantly, hoping for him telling her that the bank would give them the green light for this next step in their together life. Because during the last two weeks she's more and more fallen in love with the idea of buying their house of dreams in the suburbs and moving there. No matter how crazy it was. The rest of her hesistance has slowly disappeared and during one morning, when Emilia had been sleeping, she'd even found herself looking for interior design ideas on Pinterest and her brain was literally overflowed with tons of ideas now. She knew that she wanted Emilia's room to look exactly like her nursery looked right now, she had an amazing idea for the wall behind the dining table and some ideas for the kitchen and the master bedroom as well and she wanted to transform those ideas as soon as possible. Although they'd agreed they would not move in before the wedding in case they got the loan as their life was stressful enough for the moment and they for sure didn't need more stress with the few renovations they had to make and organizing their move all within the next few weeks. They would maybe paint some rooms on the weekends, when they were in the mood, but they would only move in after the wedding, after their honeymoon. In case the bank has indeed granted them the loan they needed.

″Yup,″ he nodded, a smile forming in the corners of his lips. ″The loan went through and we can sign all the necessary contracts tomorrow.″

″Wow,″ she exhaled slowly, joy and fear settling in her at the same time. Although this was exactly what she'd wanted him to tell her she still felt a tad bit overwhelmed. Because how could someone possibly not be overwhelmed by the thought of paying a mortgage back for the next twenty plus years? All the responsibilities that came with buying a house were now theirs to carry and this was in fact still a scary thought.

″Are you...happy?″ Jay asked confused, failing in interpreting her gaze. She looked shocked to say the least.

″Yes...,″ she nodded, a small smile appearing on her face, slowly spreading into a wider one. ″Hell yes I am. But holy damn, we're going to be house owners of a house in the suburbs...in one of the best neighborhoods in the city in fact...that's crazy,″ she exclaimed, chuckling softly and shaking her head as if she couldn't believe it. And it would maybe take a while until she was finally able to really believe it, that she, Erin Lindsay, would move to the suburbs with her little family, so far away from the places where she'd grown up.

″We are,″ Jay answered and his voice also showed hints of disbelief. Because he couldn't believe that yet another of his lifelong dreams was about to come true.

A comfortable silence started to surround them again and Erin's mind was still occupied with various things. Were they rushing things with also buying a house now? Most definitely. But when had they ever not rushed things? Getting together, getting pregnant, getting engaged, having Emilia and then getting married all within 21 months wasn't _exactly_ taking things slow. Their life was one damn rush. But it was the most perfect rush. This rush was the reason for Erin being happier than ever before. And so they would keep on rushing things because so far it has never turned out wrong or bad and deep down inside she knew that this was the right move. Knew that their happiness would continue to grow though she sometimes wondered whether this was still possible because they seemed to be at the peak already.

Emilia's joyful squeaking startled her from her thoughts and she looked up to see that she was currently 'flying' over Jay's head, is hands holding her safely. She looked from her laughing daughter down to her fiancé's face and saw him smiling just as bright while making some silly, undefinable noises that _maybe_ should imitate an airplane or helicopter. Her heart wanted to jump out of her chest because there was nothing that she loved more than seeing him like this. So undeniably happy.

″Are you ever scared to be this happy?″ she asked quietly. In the moment these words slipped from her mouth she wondered why on Earth she'd spoken them out loud. Because she was happy, _very_ happy, and so was he, so these words didn't actually fit their current situation. But yet they did. Only Jay didn't seem to get it as well, giving her a somewhat confused look.

″Huh?″ he frowned, settling Emilia in his lap again, giving her the stuffed rattle this time. When his blue eyes met her hazel ones he instantly knew that something was _really_ preying on her mind. ″What do you mean? Don't you want to buy the house?″

″Uhm...no...it has nothing to do with the house...not really at least...and it's not that I'm calling our life into question,″ she rambled slightly, inhaling a deep breath before sharing with him what was going on inside of her. ″But...aren't you sometimes scared that something happens and it all slips away? This whole life we've built? That we lose it all and can do nothing about it? Aren't you scared to be _this_ happy, Jay?″ she whispered.

Knowing exactly what she meant, he took her hand in his instantly and squeezed it gently. It was in situations like this when he realized that her past still influenced her immensely. That some fears and doubts would forever chaperone her. With everything that she'd been through, that had happened in her life already, she still wasn't able to believe in a happy ever-after. Because she didn't know any real life happy endings. Because something always happened to the people she loved most. Because she still didn't trust life enough that she allowed herself to believe that for once she wouldn't drown in another drama, that for once her happiness wouldn't be taken away by tragedy.

″I'm only scared of the possibility of somewhen not being this happy anymore but I'm not scared to be this happy because it's too beautiful to be scared and I enjoy it too much,″ he answered all honest. He lived for all of these moments of pure happiness because there'd been times when he didn't believe that he would ever be allowed to experience all of this. Finding the love of his life, marrying her and having a child with her, calling himself a husband and a father. Back in Afghanistan when he'd gone to bed in the evening, not knowing whether he would see the sun rise again and when he'd made himself ready for the day in the morning, not knowing whether he would see the sun set again. Back when he'd returned from war, having lost his mother to cancer, his grandfather to dotage and his cousin to war and his beloved aunt, uncle and other two cousins turning away from him. Back when he'd been almost all alone with his grief and guilt and with dealing with the aftermath of seeing and doing things overseas he didn't wish his biggest enemy to witness.

But ever since meeting Erin, the woman who he'd hoped back then would maybe change his life for the better, he has slowly but steady started to believe in happy endings again, had somewhen allowed himself to be happy again because that's what he's been whenever he was with her: happy. As happy that it hurt in the most positive way. And regardless that he knew she was beyond happy as well, her latest statement confirming it, she still had a way to go until she would trust her own life enough to believe in happy endings. He couldn't blame her though but he would for sure give his very best to help her to overcome her last insecurities so she would allow herself to really _be_ as happy as she acutally was deep down inside, and not with still some of her happiness bottled up and locked inside of her to protect herself.

″You should try that, too,″ he said softly, his thumb brushing over her knuckles.

″I will,″ she nodded before asking: ″We'll always fight for the things we can influence, for what we have, right? Even if life gets complicated, if our relationship gets complicated...″

″ _Always_ ,″ he assured her instantly although he knew they didn't need this kind of promise. His life was only complete with Erin and the same applied for her. They would _never_ give up on each other. There weren't any relationships without any fights and he knew they would come up occasionally but their relationship was without a doubt worth any fight, was built on solid grounds. ″You know, love is for fighters. And we're both some stubborn fighters,″ he said, giving her a little smile, his fingers now tracing lazy circles onto her hand.

Erin let out a soft chuckle by his statement and before brushing her lips against his ever so slow and thankful she grinned: ″That we are.″

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 **Thanks for reading, please leave a review and let me know what you think! The next chapter should be up next week, this one was only delayed because I was on vacation but it's my plan to update weekly for the next couple of weeks!  
**


	57. Four Paws

**Here comes a new dose of Linstead fluff! Enjoy :)**

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 **57\. Four Paws**

June brought the first days of summer to Chicago, the city reveling 12 hours of pure sunshine a day, the skies crystal blue without any hints of clouds. Unfortunately with the temperatures and the humidity rising, the lunatics seemed to leave their hiding places and the crime rate rose simultaneously, leaving Erin and Jay very little time to enjoy their family life because most days he worked overtime or even the whole night and one day Erin had found herself calling Carol for the first time and asking whether Emmy could stay with her until the evening as a case required Intelligence to be on the scene in full force. Of course Carol had happily agreed, this woman was a saint to say the least, but she'd nonetheless never felt as bad in her life than when she'd picked her daughter up in the evening after a full 12-hours workday, Jay and the rest of the unit not even close to call it a day, and she'd promised herself to let this be the exception. As this had been one of the cases that _needed_ to be solved at all costs, she'd worked for four days in a row, just not as late the other three days, and she couldn't help but feel guilty for somehow abandoning her child and not being there for her enough. She'd been incredibly relieved when the case was wrapped successfully after four exhausting days and she's been back to work her regular hours and days ever since, trying to spend as much time as possible with her baby girl to somehow make up for the days she'd barely seen her.

Things were even worse for Jay because other than seeing Emilia in the morning and late at night when he came home and could only give the sleeping baby a kiss for goodnight or when she was still in the bullpen with Erin one morning a week, he hadn't had many opportunities to spend time with his daughter as he'd even worked through the weekends for the past two weeks since the beginning of June. Literally the moment they'd finished their talk about happiness back then, Hank had called him to inform him that they had a new crime and ever since then Jay has barely had a moment to breathe, neither to spend with his daughter. Erin knew this was preying on him. He didn't want to be this kind of dad who only saw his child in the morning and late at night. It reminded him too much of his own father, how he'd never been there during his childhood. But his job didn't leave him a choice, this was what he'd promised the moment he became a cop. To protect this city, to make it a better place and to do everything for it.

He's been in a bad mood quite often these last two weeks and was generally overworked and exhausted, Erin could see it in his eyes, in his body language and his behavior. He barely ever complained though, this just wasn't him. He'd gone through worse, through longer periods of absolute exhaustion when he was on duty, fighting for his country far away from home, so he just did his job now as well and he did it as extraordinary as always.

Nonetheless Erin was thankful that Hank had seemed to recognize that his best sniper needed to catch a break without her saying a thing to him and had therefore given him the weekend off, no matter how many criminals would decide to commit a crime within the next few days. They would want to go to the park tomorrow and have a picnic there with Will, Natalie and Owen and just simply _relax_ , trying to forget the rush of the previous weeks and enjoy some very needed family downtime. And maybe on Sunday they would start to change some things in their new house by painting the rooms they already had some ideas for, like the nursery and the master bedroom.

Unfortunately it was only Friday evening now and like so often within the last two weeks Erin and Emilia were alone, waiting for Jay to come home, hopefully before midnight today, so at least Erin could spend some time outside of work with him. Some time as in five or ten minutes before they would fall asleep.

After picking her daughter up from Carol earlier, she had already done the grocery shopping so they didn't have to do it on their free weekend, had cleaned the bathroom and changed the sheets in the bedroom and had then ended the day with taking a stroll with Emilia in the nightfall of this summerly day. Now she was sunken into the cushions of the couch, the TV running in the background, not for her entertainment but more for interrupting the silence in the living room, and Emilia was drifting to sleep on her chest, her baby's head tucked under her chin so she could give her soft kisses all the time and inhale her sweet scent. When she couldn't cuddle with Jay in the evening these days, she could at least cuddle with her baby but she wanted nothing more than to cuddle with the both of them together because it's been a while and she missed it more than anything else.

Her phone buzzed on the coffe table, where her feet rested as well, and she carefully adjusted her position and reached for it, trying not to wake Emilia up with her movement.

″Daddy's coming home soon, sweetie,″ she whispered against her daughter's head after reading the message from the man she loved. ″He caught all the bad guys and is on the way back to the district. So we should just wait here so he can bring you to bed, what do you think?″ she asked and stroked over Emilia's light brown hair lovingly. It was already past Emilia's usual bedtime and normally she would just bring her to bed so she could sleep there but she wanted to give Jay the opportunity to finally bring his princess to bed again.

The happiness about Jay coming home was short-lived. Her phone buzzed again only 10 minutes later and instead of telling her that he just left the district and asking her whether they needed anything he should bring on his way home, he told her that they just responded to the call of a possible shooting in a neighborhood they were close by, closer than any patrol unit even. So of course Intelligence was already on the way to the scene and Jay's quitting time was postponed for now.

″Well, that's that,″ Erin sighed frustrated and dumped her phone on the couch. _Now_ midnight seemed like a nice time for him to come home but she didn't expect him to show up within the next four hours if there really was a shooting or even worse, if there was an active shooter out there. Her man probably had another nightshift ahead before he was allowed to go home and enjoy his weekend off with his family. In case this wasn't one of the cases that needed him to be involved regardless that Hank had acutally given him the weekend off.

When Emilia was sleeping deeply on her chest half an hour later, Erin brought her to bed, all alone, like every evening these days without Jay wrapping his arm around her and them watching their baby sleep for a minute. She missed their domesticated life they've got used to, their evening routine, her making dinner ready while he took a shower after a long day and afterwards Jay enjoying some undisturbed bonding time with Emmy by bathing her, giving her her bottle for the night and reading her a story while she would clean up the kitchen after dinner and take a shower before they would end their evening with snuggling on the couch while watching some movie. This was how their perfect evenings looked like when Jay wrapped by 6pm. Unfortunately things only went that smooth 50% of the week, give or take, and these days this number was down to a steady, unsatisfying zero.

Erin shuffled back to the living room, dimmed the light and checked her phone again, hoping that Jay had messaged her, saying it was nothing and that he was on his way home, but the only message she had was from Natalie, asking her when they wanted to meet the next day. Erin typed her possible sister-in-law a message back quickly before she turned the TV on and made herself comfortable on the couch. Netflix was her best friend these days and she hoped that it could entertain her and keep her awake until Jay would come back home later the night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey babe,″ she heard the voice of her fiancée whispering into her ear, followed by his lips kissing her cheek softly, his stubble scratching over her skin. She blinked some times to clear her vision and a tired smile spread across her face when she saw Jay leaning over her. Apparently the plan of staying awake hadn't worked that well and she had no idea when exactly her eyes had simply fallen close.

″Hey sleepyhead,″ Jay smiled and leaned down to brush his lips against hers.

″Hey,″ she mumbled into his mouth. ″What time is it?″ she added and her hand tangled around his neck to pull him closer again so she could return his kiss.

″Almost 12.45am,″ he sighed when she released his mouth.

″Jeeez, I guess I just slept for three hours,″ she chuckled.

″Well, that explains it,″ he laughed.

″Explains what?″ Erin frowned but before he could answer she heard a noise coming from the front door that _sounded_ like paws of a dog scratching over their wooden floor. She sat up instantly to assure herself that she was most probably hallucinating, hearing things that weren't there due to her tiredness but when her eyes focused on the hallway they indeed found a dog sitting there in the dimmed light. Right in front of their door. _Inside_ of their apartment. For a moment she wondered whether she _was_ actually hallucinating, her eyes playing a trick on her in the middle of the night.

″Erin-,″ Jay said quickly as his eyes followed hers and found the pup.

″Wait a second,″ Erin said frowning, holding her hand up and making a face that showed him that she tried to put some pieces together and analyze the current situation. ″Why on Earth is there a dog in our apartment?″ she asked slowly, her eyes not leaving the animal that was still sitting there all calm, like it was waiting for someone to call it as permission to join them. Or for someone to pick it up and take it home.

″We found him at the crime scene,″ he started to explain carefully.

″Jay, you can't just simply bring a dog home you found at a crime scene!″ she interrupted him, her voice sounding like she was sure he'd lost his mind by bringing a strange dog to their apartment.

″Hey, keep cool,″ he answered softly. ″Would you just listen to me and let me explain the whole story?″ he pleaded and grabbed her chin with his thumb and his index finger so she had to look at him. ″Please?″

″This better be the best explanation you've ever given someone,″ Erin said teeth-gnashingly and slightly shook her head. This wasn't what she'd wanted to wake up to. A foreign dog in their apartment and a possible discussion with Jay ahead when all she wanted to do was going to bed with him, feeling his hand tangled around her waist and holding her as close as possible.

″Okay,″ Jay nodded, hoping that she would understand his reasonings. Otherwise he maybe had to make a trip to the animal shelter in the middle of the night and could then sleep on the couch himself. But he had a feeling she would understand once she knew the whole story. And once she knew there weren't any reasons to be worried about Emilia's well-being because of the dog. Because if there were, he never had brought him home.

″Come here buddy,″ he told the dog and the latter got on his four paws instantly and walked to Jay, even fawned a little. No doubt this dog has already found its master. ″Good boy,″ Jay said and stroked his head extensively.

″So?″ Erin asked expectantly, watching how her fiancé kept on petting the dog that was without a doubt beautiful and had a really cute, innocent face. He looked like a mix and from his conformation and looks Erin guessed Labrador and Border Collie were the breeds that had been crossed here. His build resembled the one of a Labrador, just a tad bit smaller and more petite than a normal Labrador. His fur was short, like the one of a Labrador but his markings resembled the one of a Border Collie. He was mostly black but had three white feet respectively legs and on his left hind leg only his paw was white. His chest, neck and belly were white as well and so was the tip of his tail, like it had been dipped into a bowl of white paint. He had white jaws, the light fur also covering some of the space between his light brown, trusting eyes up to his forehead. His black floppy ears made him look extremely naive but also extremely cute and lovable.

″Well,″ Jay said and exhaled a deep breath, not because he was afraid of telling her why he'd decided to bring the dog home but because the case that came with it was one of the most brutal crimes they've had recently. ″This is Crispin. He's a Labrador-Border-Collie mix, about two years old and I found him at the crime scene,″ he started to explain and changed his gaze from the dog to Erin who still looked anything but impressed.

″When we arrived at the scene, it was too late already. The perp had already disappeared, leaving a bloody massacre behind. He killed a single father and his two young kids, aged 4 and 5, in their home. Execution style.″ He stopped and closed his eyes to push the pictures of the two, in their own blood covered, dead kids that had their whole life ahead, into the back of his head. He failed. These were pictures he would never be able to forget. Just like the ones of the many dead kids during his time in Afghanistan. He was kinda glad to have the weekend off and Hank not taking this generous offer back, so he didn't have to see these little dead bodies in the morgue and the horrible pictures pinned on the board in the pen. Cases with kids have always been hard but especially since having a child themselves these were the kind of cases that hit too close to home. Way too close.

″Oh my god,″ Erin whispered and swallowed the lump in her throat down while squeezing his hand to comfort him. Cases with kids were always the hardest, the ones that followed her for a while. But two innocent kids killed in the place that should be their safe home, killed execution style, made this case one of those that made her hate her job. That made her reconsider whether this was it for her. But the aspiration for justice, for at least doing something by bringing the perps who did this behind bars, always kept her going. It was their way to give their victims their voices back, to let them rest in peace. Nonetheless she was kind of glad that she hadn't been the one to respond to the call, to discover the bodies. Since coming back to Intelligence they haven't had cases with dead kids and she had no idea whether she could handle it and how she would deal with it at all.

″Their father tried to shield them but the perp was merciless and shot them all. It looks like it was personal and so far we only know that the father had indeed a shady past but turned his life around for his kids after their mother overdosed and died three years ago. He had a good job, the kids went to pre-school, they lived in a house that didn't look too bad and they had a dog,″ he explained, his eyes falling on Crispin again, who sat in front of them on the floor, looking at them expectantly.

″After we discovered the bodies I was the one who heard a quiet whimper. I wasn't sure whether it was another child that maybe survived or a dog and at first the others thought I was crazy because they didn't hear it. But then I heard it again and I simply ordered Adam to follow me. We found Crispin hidden behind the bed in the father's bedroom. His feet and nose were covered in blood. It seemed like he wasn't in the same room during the shooting, maybe outside in the garden or in the kitchen, then found his family dead and retreated into the bedroom because he was traumatized by the events. He looked so scared, it was heartbreaking and then Hank said we need to call someone from the animal shelter who would take care of him until we find family members...,″ he said, biting his lower lip with his teeth all innocent.

″And that's when you decided you rather bring him home,″ Erin concluded.

″Yeah...I mean, he was scared and traumatized, witnessed a shooting and lost his family. I just couldn't give him to a shelter where he would get even more traumatized. Not after what he went through tonight,″ he said apologizing. God, her man had such a _huge_ heart. Sometimes Erin wondered how it even fit into his chest.

″I tried to call you because I wanted to tell you, warn you, whatsoever,″ he continued, a soft laughter escaping from his mouth. ″Twice, by the way. But you wouldn't answer,″ he winked, a hint of mischief spreading over his face.

″Yeah, I was pretty much out I guess,″ she answered. Not hearing the buzzing of her phone meant she'd been _completely_ out.

″Uh-huh,″ he chuckled before he continued with the story of Crispin joining their family temporarly. ″So when you didn't answer I decided to take him with me anyway, hoping that my fiancée wouldn't put me six feet under for it. I took him to the only vet who had emergency service tonight, just to check whether he's injured, whether he needs any vaccinations, to check him for fleas and to check whether there's anything else that would make it impossible to bring him here. We also gave him a bath there and it turned out he's completely healthy and had all the necessary vaccinations. I swear, he was simply the sweetest, most well behaved dog all the time. The vet just confirmed that he's indeed a bit traumatized and rather needs a home with loving people now than an animal shelter. He's used to kids and so I thought we could foster him over the weekend and maybe next week as well until we figured out whether there are family members that would take him or someone from the animal shelter helps us to find a forever family for him without that he has to spend even one night at such a scary place. And I really don't want to bring him there now,″ Jay ended his explanation, looking at her pleadingly. For a moment Erin was sure that Jay had bigger puppy-eyes than the actual pup.

She could completely understand why Jay had brought Crispin home though, she would probably have done the same in this situation. And that he'd most probably woken up some vet just to make sure that bringing the dog home wouldn't be dangerous for Emilia in any way was so much Jay, the considerate man who always thought about everything, even when he made such a spontaneous decision that was kind of uncalled for him.

″So Crispin, huh?″ Erin asked and the dog lifted his head by the sound of his name. For a moment she thought she was crazy but she was sure to see sadness and grief reflecting from his eyes. She leaned forward to stroke his head with both of her hands and then stroked down his neck and back, her hands finding his tag on his collar. It was a silver heart, the name _Crispin_ engraved into it. There was no doubt that this dog had been loved by his family. And there was also no doubt that he definitely didn't deserve to spend the night in an animal shelter. Crispin was here to stay. For _now_.

″Alright, he'll stay with us for the weekend,″ Erin finally agreed. ″But looking for a family for him will be the first thing Monday morning.″

″Sure,″ Jay nodded, smiling brightly. ″See Crispin, I told you she's amazing,″ he said to the young dog and gave him a quick pat before melting his lips with Erin's in a long, thankful kiss that quickly turned into one where their tongue's danced in each other's mouth. Jay pushed her back down into the cushions of the couch softly, his lips capturing hers before his mouth found her earlobe and he peppered kisses along her neck, his hand starting to strip the straps of her top and bra down so he could kiss the sensitive skin on her collarbone. Even through the fabric of his jeans Erin could feel his arousal as a sign how much he needed her. During the last two weeks with never ending cases and nightshifts in a row, their intimate moments had gone short so it didn't need much for him these days.

″Jay,″ she whispered into his mouth and pushed him away softly. Of course she wanted him as well, no matter that the clock was nearing 1am, her body already heating up and craving for him, but there was something that kept her from completely loosing it on their couch once again. He stopped kissing her and groaned in frustration, waiting for her to tell him why on earth she'd interrupted the very needed reunion of their bodies.

″What?″ he asked, breathing a little heavier than usual.

″We never did it in front of our daughter and we're sure as hell not doing it in front of the dog,″ she chuckled huskily. ″Sorry babe, but it wasn't my idea to bring him home,″ she teased him when he rolled his eyes dramatically by her statement.

″Well, that ain't a problem,″ he smirked boyishly, got up from the couch, pulled her up as well, his hands finding her butt as soon as she was standing so he could lift her up, her center pressed against the bulge in his jeans.

″Wait,″ she laughed when he already carried her to the bedroom but before he had the chance to crash his lips against hers, Crispin following on their heels. ″You need to give _your_ dog a bed where he can sleep tonight and maybe a bowl of water, don't you think?″

He grunted something she didn't understand in response, most probably that she was right and had a point, but kept on carrying her to the bedroom nonetheless and put her down on their bed.

″Stay,″ he smirked and went to the closet to pull out two blankets and a big pillow. He couldn't take Crispin's bed from the crime scene and no pet shop was open during the middle of the night, so he had to improvise.

″Hey, _I_ am not a dog,″ she complained by his order.

″Thank god you're not,″ he winked cockily at her, giving her another of these boyish smirks that killed her, and left her alone for a minute. Or five.

He put the two blankets and the pillow down in the hall to make Crispin a comfortable bed as possible and placed a bowl of water next to his new bed. Jay reminded himself that the first thing they had to do in the morning was buying dog food. But Crispin would probably remind them as well.

″Come on buddy, this is your bed for the night,″ he said and got down on his knees to first pet the dog and then show him his bed. ″You can sleep here. And only here, okay? If we find you on the couch tomorrow morning Erin is going to kill you. And me. And we don't want that, right? So please be a good boy and stay here. I promise we'll look for some toys and food and a real bed for you tomorrow morning. Come on Crisp, down,″ he spoke to the dog and he first looked at him in return and then stepped onto the pile of blankets and the pillow with his paws, sniffing carefully before lying down.

″Good boy,″ Jay smiled and stroked his head to assure him that everything was fine. Crispin let himself fall onto his side, so Jay could tickle his stomach and of course he did him the favor. Jay couldn't deny that he enjoyed having the dog around. It reminded him of the time with his grandfather's dog Carly and these were great memories that could make him smile anyday.

″Okay that's enough buddy,″ he said after three minutes of extensive tickling. ″There's someone else I need...my hands for, you know?″ he laughed to himself and gave Crispin one last pat before he got up and turned the lights out on the way to the bathroom.

When he walked into the bedroom a couple of minutes later, only wearing his boxers, he found Erin still lying on the bed, just with the difference that she has also changed to her lingerie only, her hair fanned out on the pillow. They've obviously had the same thought.

″Not wasting time with undressing, huh?″ he chuckled softly, his eyes roaming her perfect body, her still fuller breasts and her stomach that was back being flat and trained, almost no evidence left that there ever had a baby lived inside.

″Nope,″ she grinned, her eyes focussing on the only part of his body that was covered with cloth, the part she craved for, the evidence of his arousal still being all clear for her to see, it made her pulse quicken its pace.

″I like the way you think, Erin Lindsay,″ he said, his voice so low it sent chills down Erin's spine, and he lowered himself onto the bed, not starting with a soft kiss this time but kissing her hard and mercilessly, his eyes dark of passion. She kissed him back just as hard, her hands sneaking around his bare, muscular back to pull him even closer.

And just like most times he already sent her over the edge with his skillful hands and fingers even before he buried himself inside of her to make love and sent them both over the edge with it...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was the first to wake up by Emilia's whining resounding from the baby monitor on the following morning around 7. She turned the volume down quickly so Jay could hopefully sleep a little bit longer, because he really needed it after so many nightshifts, and untangled herself from the sheets. She grabbed some panties from the drawer as well as one of Jay's shirts that hung over the chair next to the dresser and put it on while making her way to the nursery. She expected Crispin to be up as well already, impatiently waiting for his breakfast they first had to buy but when her eyes fell on his bed in the hallway, they only found it all empty and abandoned. She quickly checked all the possible places in the kitchen and living room out where he could hide but the dog was nowhere to be seen.

″Crispin?″ she called as quiet as possible. The young dog had to be here after all, he couldn't have simply disappeared from their locked apartment.

″Crispin?″ she called again, a little louder and more urgent this time. But the result stayed the same. No dog appeared in her picture. Instead she suddenly heard the voice of her fiancé behind her, thick of sleep.

″What's wrong?″ he asked, leaning in the doorway and stretching his Adonis-like body that was only clothed in a pair of sweatpants.

″Oh sorry, I didn't wanna wake you,″ she sighed, her hand pressed against her forehead.

″You didn't. Emmy did,″ he winked. ″So what's up?″ he asked again, wondering what kept her from getting their whining baby.

″The dog's gone,″ she shrugged like she didn't care, but her eyes gave her away as they were showing hints of concern.

″What?″ Jay uttered.

″He's not here. Or do you see him anywhere?″

″Er, he can't be anywhere but here.″

″Tell me about it. But I checked in the kitchen, under the table and behind the couch. He's not here,″ she explained. ″I'll go and get Emmy, you look for him again. Maybe he's...I honestly don't know where,″ she sighed and made her way through the hall and towards Emmy's nursery. She stopped in her tracks when she saw that the door was slightly open when she was sure she'd closed it last night but then she figured that Jay had most probably said goodnight to Emmy and had left it open.

″Hey Em-″ she said when she pushed the door open and stepped into the room but immediately stopped in her tracks yet again. ″Uhm Jaaaaayy,″ she called and watched the scene in front of her.

″Huh?″ he called back and walked into the direction of the nursery as well. ″What's wrong?″ he asked when he almost reached her.

″You didn't tell me that this dog can open doors,″ she answered all dry and her hazel eyes and his blue eyes fell on Crispin, who lay on the plush rug in front of the crib, all relaxed, not being bothered by Emilia's crying at all.

″I had no idea,″ Jay exclaimed stunned. ″Crisp what are you doing here?″

They kept on standing there in the doorway for another moment, wondering how on Earth he'd opened the door and why at all when his comfy bed was in the hallway, before Erin walked to the crib and picked Emilia up and Jay sat down on the floor next to Crispin.

″Only four-and-a-half months old and you already have a secret, male guest overnight, huh?″ Erin chuckled and kissed Emilia's rosy cheek. She looked down to Jay and Crispin, the latter enjoying Jay stroking him and looking beyond satisfied and comfortable. The insecure and scared and sad expression that had still been visible on Crispin's face last night seemed to have disappeared and it instead seemed like he enjoyed his new surroundings. And the attention Jay was giving him.

Erin didn't even know why but she just sat down cross-legged on the floor next to the two of them and pulled her shirt up so Emilia could nurse and have an early breakfast. The things that then happened neither Erin nor Jay could believe though. Crispin lifted his head when Emilia's crying lapsed into silence and regardless Jay's petting he got up and walked closer to Erin, who automatically shifted Emilia a little as she was wary of the situation and the dog basically being eye-to-eye with her. But instead of doing whatever Erin expected him to do, Crispin just lay down again on his side right next to her, his head resting on her bare knee and thigh so his head respectively neck touched Emilia's little feet.

″Uhm, okay,″ Erin said perplexedly, looking from the pup to Jay who had the same expression of astonishment on his face. ″Well buddy, I didn't expect that,″ she added smilingly and extended her free hand to stroke over the soft fur on his stomach.

″You know what I think?″ Jay asked pensively after watching this beautiful and peaceful picture in front of his eyes for a moment.

″Huh?″ Erin asked back, her hand resting on Crispin's shoulder, her fingers still tickling his fur softly.

″I think he slept in the children's room, you know, in his former home. And I think he was looking for comfort last night and although we didn't introduce him to Emilia he found her. And found comfort in her room by being close to her. I don't know whether it's the smell of a kid that reminds him of home or hearing the steady breathing of a kid but he definitely rather slept on the floor in front of her crib, like he was protecting her, than on his pillow in the hallway. And yeah, apparently this little rascal can open doors,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, that could be it,″ Erin agreed. ″Looks like he's a smart one,″ she smiled and gazed down to Crispin again, who had his eyes closed and seemed to just enjoy the moment. There was no doubt on Erin's mind that this dog was probably the most fond of children dog in this city and whatever family would adopt him would for sure find a friend and protector for life.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After their unusual early morning session in Emilia's nursery, Jay made himself and Emilia ready for the day, put his daughter in her stroller and took Crispin for a walk, also buying at least some dog food in the store three blocks down the road on that occasion, while Erin prepared scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast.

During their breakfast, Jay suggested he would go to the pet shop and buy Crispin a couple of toys they could take to the park with them later in the afternoon when they met Will, Natalie and Owen there for a picnic. So while Erin later prepared a couple of things for aforesaid picnic, Jay went shopping.

Meanwhile, Emilia occupied herself on the playmat, squealing joyfully while exploring her toys, Crispin always lying on his side quite close to her, never leaving her side, just like a guard. In the beginning, Erin kept her eyes glued to the two of them because regardless what had happened earlier this morning, regardless that he was so fond of children, Crispin was still a strange dog they didn't really know. He was only around two years old and the kids he'd lived with were 4 and 5 years old, so he didn't exactly know babies. And Emilia was in that age where she started to grab for everything, so Erin didn't know how he would react if Emmy pulled on his fur, neither did she want the situation come close to this possibility. But Crispin intuitively kept a little bit of distance between himself and Emilia and as she couldn't crawl yet, she had no chance to reach him. Once again Erin couldn't help but think that the young dog was guarding her somehow and so she started trust him a little more and furthermore started to relax a little bit and was therefore able to get the preparations for the picnic done.

When she was finished, she joined Emilia and Crispin down on the floor, picked her daughter up, held her under her arms and let her stand on her thighs which Emilia loved. Erin somehow had the feeling that her daughter would be an early walker and would start to explore the world on her own feet sooner than most babies and sooner than they wanted her to.

″Crispin come here,″ she told the young dog and he looked up instantly by the sound of his name, like he's been waiting for her permission to join them, and of course he listened and followed her order. She settled Emilia in her lap and ordered Crispin to lie down right next to them.

″So my boy, this is Emilia but I guess you already know her, right?″ she smiled and petted his head. ″Emilia, this is Crispin and he's going to live with us for a couple of days, so it's time you get to know each other properly,″ she added and lifted her baby closer to the dog so the two of them could interact a little.

Erin firmed her hand around Emilia's arm so she could guide her little hand to Crispin's back. The moment she touched the soft fur, she squealed joyfully and seemed to be completely fascinated. Emilia quickly reached out with her other hand to bury it in Crispin's fur as well. Every once in a while Erin changed Emilia's position so she could also explore Crispin's neck and head and even when she twisted his fur in her little fists and pulled on his fur, Erin strictly telling her no instantly and trying to make her release the fur, he didn't seem to bother at all.

″You're such a good boy, Crisp,″ Erin said proudly, petting him once again. She had to admit, she was truly impressed and fascinated by the dog's demeanor and attitudes, maybe even more than earlier this morning when he'd surprised them for the first time.

Emilia was still occupied with touching Crispin, which was another thing that surprised Erin because all her toys were only interesting for a minute before she would trade them for the next, when Jay unlocked the door of their apartment. Erin's eyes widened in disbelief when she saw all the things he was carrying, obviously struggling to not drop anything and she wondered how he'd even managed to open the door. He had not only bought a leash and two or three toys but rather all the toys the shop had had to offer. And a bed. _Of course_ Jay had bought Crispin a real bed. She should've known it.

Erin settled Emilia on her mat again and left her with Crispin for a minute so she could help her fiancé before he would fall over his own feet.

″So a bed, huh?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows, while her hands reached for all the toys.

″Yeah,″ he nodded. ″I mean, he needs a proper bed,″ he smirked innocently and placed the giant, fluffy bed in the hallway.

″Totally,″ Erin chuckled and shook her head. ″He definitely needs one for the few nights he's going to sleep here.″

″Exactly,″ Jay winked, actually toying with the idea of keeping Crispin and giving him a forever home themselves...

* * *

 **I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it! Please leave a review and let me know how you liked it. Do we have a** **new member for the Halstead family or not? What do you think? :)**


	58. I Knew You Were Trouble

**Thank you so much for your lovely reviews and feedback! So let's see whether Crispin is here to stay ;)**

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 **58\. I Knew You Were Trouble**

Will, Natalie and Owen were already waiting for them at their agreed spot in Lincoln Park when Erin, Jay, Emilia and Crispin approached them in the afternoon, the whole city once again reveling in pure sunshine. Even against the sun and from the distance Jay could see the frown and questionmarks on his brother's face and the older Halstead didn't hold back with his question as soon as they were within earshot.

″What the hell is going on here?″ he asked laughingly, his eyes falling on the leash in Jay's hand and the black-and-white dog that walked beside him dutifully.

″Be patient and we'll tell you,″ Jay smirked before they all hugged each other and extended their picnic area in the shade of a giant tree with the blankets Jay and Erin had brought with them.

They all sat down, Crispin sitting next to them and scanning the surroundings attentively, and Jay told them the story about how the young dog's joined their family last night. However, he kept it rather short. There was no need that his brother and Natalie needed to hear about the cruel scenes he'd seen and he himself still tried to push those pictures as far away as possible. He just wanted to enjoy his weekend off, wanted to enjoy some family downtime and for once not think about work and all the brutal crimes he was confronted with on a daily basis.

Once the story was told, Will and Jay took Owen and Emilia to the playground for some entertainment, leaving the two women and Crispin alone.

″Sometimes it's so nice to just have a moment of silence,″ Natalie grinned as they watched the four of them disappearing in the distance.

″Hell yeah,″ Erin laughed, adjusting her sunglasses that a couple of minutes ago Emmy had tried to steal from her nose, and reached for one of the cooled sodas in the ice box. ″And Jay really needs to spend some time with his princess, so I won't complain at all.″

″Will and Owen can use moments like this to bond, so I won't complain either,″ Natalie agreed and grabbed a soda as well.

″How are things going with the three of you?″ Erin asked the woman who would one day possibly be family. They saw each other quite often thanks to the Zumba classes they were still attending but they never had time to talk about stuff like this, _family_ _stuff_ , when the other girls were with them as well.

″I wish we had more time for doing these kind of things,″ she sighed and gazed around the park. ″Everything's going well but Will and Owen still barely know each other because he either comes to my place in the evening when Owen's already sleeping or he has to work through the night. The only time we really get to spend time together as a family is in the mornings, in case he even spent the night at my place, or when we both have the same day off but that's it. So we're currently playing with the idea of moving in together,″ Natalie admitted, a sheepish smile rushing over her lips.

″Already?″ Erin asked and raised her eyebrows. But then she thought about it a little more and recognized that she was the last person to scrutinize someone else's reasonings of moving in so quickly. Natalie and Will have been together for four months now, she'd gotten pregnant six months into her relationship with Jay, so she was the last person to tell someone that they were possibly rushing things. Plus, rushing things wasn't always a bad thing. Her's and Jay's story was the perfect example for it.

″Yeah,″ she nodded. ″It would give us at least a little more time together. We already try to synchronize our schedules as much as possible, to take the same shifts as often as we can but his shifts still change between dayshifts and nightshifts while I only work dayshifts, so I can spend time with Owen in the evening, bring him to bed myself and make him ready in the morning and spend some more time with him before Helen comes and takes over. I mean, I see Will at work every day, that's not it, but I want us to be more of a...family.″

″I understand,″ Erin answered, knowing exactly what Natalie was referring to because her's and Jay's private life looked pretty similar at the moment although they lived together, and so she started to tell Natalie that their family life has been completely thrown off recently as well.

After they'd discussed this topic a little while longer, Erin really enjoying that she had someone who just simply understood all of this without further explanations, Crispin got bored of just lying around and not doing anything adventurous and brought Erin one of the various toys he'd gotten from Jay as request to throw it through the air so he could catch it.

″You're bored, right boy?″ she asked, petting his back, and took the toy from his mouth, his eyes following the movements of her hand attentively. ″Alright, you ready?″ she asked and threw the toy, Crispin chasing after it immediately.

″So you're having two kids out of a sudden, huh?″ Natalie grinned as they both watched the young dog picking up the toy and bringing it back instantly.

″Temporarly, yeah,″ Erin chuckled. ″But he's really easy and simply the nicest and sweetest dog I've ever met,″ she smiled when Crispin brought her the toy again so she could throw it once more.

″You guys are totally going to keep him,″ Natalie laughed as she watched Erin and Crispin interact. There was no doubt on her mind that the dog was already a loved member of the Halstead-Lindsay-family.

″No way,″ Erin said but to her own surprise her answer came somewhat reluctant and didn't feel right.

″Why not?″ Natalie frowned.

″We don't have time for a dog and he deserves to get all the attention all day long. We can't give him that. The wedding is in six weeks, then the honeymoon and afterwards we have a lot of things to do with the house and the move there, that's more than enough and we don't need a dog running around. Plus, with our jobs we barely have time for each other so we definitely don't have time for a dog. We'll look for a great family for him on Monday and I'm sure it won't be problem to find one for him.″

″You might be right. You don't need a pet when you can't do him justice,″ Natalie agreed.

″Exactly,″ Erin nodded pensively, gazing at Crispin for a second, watched how he trotted back joyfully just to bring her the toy again. It was without a doubt quite easy to make this dog happy.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Meanwhile Jay and Will conquered the swings on the playground, Jay settling Emilia in his lap, holding her safely and pushing the swing back and forth lightly with his feet, Will having Owen sitting in his lap and pushing the swing a bit stronger than his little brother. The one-and-a-half year old giggled joyfully the faster they seesawed and Jay gazed at his big brother somehow stunned. The ginger has become mature and acted and looked like a father. Until a couple of months ago Jay hadn't thought to see his brother like this as fast but Natalie Manning has obviously changed him, the wild child, that he always had been, slowly disappearing and leaving a loving father, a mature man behind, who was ready for the responsibility of having a family of his own.

″What?″ Will asked when he caught his brother staring at him.

″Ouh, nothing,″ Jay grinned.

″Bro, I thought we already agreed that you can't lie,″ Will laughed.

″Huh,″ Jay grunted because he was right. Other than when it came to working undercover he was the worst liar on the entire planet. Always has been. ″It's just nice to see you like this,″ he admitted, motioning his head towards the dark-haired toddler.

″It feels great to be somehow responsible for such a little person, to take care that he has everything he needs, to make him happy. I never thought it could be like this. I know he's not mine but I really enjoy this. All of it,″ he answered smilingly, his happiness being all evident, and gazed down to Owen who babbled something that sounded like faster.

″I'm happy for you, bro,″ Jay smiled, knowing _exactly_ what his big brother meant.

″Thanks,″ Will said, fulfilling Owen's demand of seesawing faster. ″We might move in together, you know?″

″Wow,″ Jay smirked, ″you guys are moving fast, aren't you?″

″Says the guy who knocked his girlfriend up, proposed to her and will marry her all within less than two years,″ Will noticed all dry.

″Touché,″ Jay laughed and looked down to his daughter, who looked too adorable with her summer hat, her colorful shorts with a floral pattern and the white shirt with the matching print. Who knew where he and Erin would be without this little surprise turning their life around. There was no doubt on his mind that they would still be together but he was almost sure that they would have taken things in a different pace, more slowly.

″And now you're even adding a dog to the mix. Can you guys get any more domesticated?″ Will chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

Jay shook his head. ″We're not keeping Crispin. I think.″

″Seriously? He's potty-trained and very well behaved and I could've sworn _you_ want to keep him,″ he answered somewhat perplexedly. Jay had always loved Carly, had had a very special bond with her and he knew that he's always wanted a dog of his own.

″I wouldn't mind if we keep him. Or maybe I really do want to keep him but this is not my decision to make. I don't think Erin wants a dog right now and I can understand her because she would be the one to get even more work to do in case we keep him,″ Jay explained. No matter that he didn't like the thought of giving Crispin to someone else, he knew it was most likely inevitable. The wedding and the house were their big projects for now and especially the whole buying-a-house-thing had happened faster than they both had anticipated and though he didn't feel like they were rushing things, he knew very well that they were moving fast. And adding a dog to their family now, too, was maybe too fast. They'd once agreed to take one step at a time but these days they were already taking a hundred steps at a time so they maybe needed to slow the pace and keep the plan of adding a dog to their family for the future, when things have settled and they were ready for this next step of extending their family.

″But hey, in case you want him,″ Jay said, trying to lighten his own mood. Deep down inside he felt bad to give Crispin to another family again so soon after losing the most important people in his life. He seemed to have settled into their family so quickly and so perfectly but he would soon lose it all again.

″Me?″ Will asked back. ″Sorry bro, no time for a dog these days.″

″Too bad,″ Jay answered, hoping that it sounded somehow light and not sad.

They fell into a moment of silence, only Owen's babbling and Emilia's sqealing breaking through as well as the birds that chirped around them and the voices of the kids that came from all over the playground.

″Will you come to Dad's next weekend?″ the older brother asked the younger somewhen after some moments of consideration whether approaching him about this topic was the smartest of moves.

″Uhm...haven't had time to think about it so far,″ Jay answered vaguely. Next Sunday was their father's birthday and he had called Jay three days ago to invite him and Erin and Emilia to come over for cake and dinner. Before his father calling him, Jay'd called him four weeks back. They hadn't talked much, he'd only wanted to know how he was feeling and doing and how it was to be back in Chicago but he'd nonetheless been surprised when his old man had called him to invite him for his birthday a couple days back.

Their relationship was indeed a tad bit better than back in December, when Robert Halstead had shown up for the first time in seven years, they could talk with each other, at least more or less, but he hadn't expected that his father would make a step into his direction and invite him to celebrate his birthday because usually his father wasn't the one to make steps into someone's direction and only followed his very own direction. But the feeling, that he had already had back in December and January, that he has changed for the better, got confirmed by this call. It seemed like his father really wanted to make up for some things. Jay just didn't know whether he wanted to take part in his father's path of redemption. And whether he was ready to go back to the place that once had been his home, naturally only his home thanks to his mother, the place where Diane Halstead had inhaled her last breaths before her eyes had fallen close for a very last time.

″Come on Jay, get over yourself and give him a chance,″ Will said and for the very first time he sounded more mature than his brother. ″He's still so grateful that you saved his life and he's really trying, okay? So what does it take you to just give in for once?″

″Overcoming,″ he answered pensively, pushing the thought of the final moments with his mother away because they still made his heart ache like it's been yesterday. ″It takes a whole lot of overcoming. All the things that happened still hurt and I can't just simply forget them.″

″Jay, you remember our favorite film? The one we watched over and over and over again when we were kids?″ he asked rhetorically, knowing very well that Jay knew. There was only one film they'd watched every two weeks when they were 9 and 11 years old. ″There's one quote that stuck with me because it's quite powerful: The past hurts, but you can either run from it or learn from it,″ Will said, throwing his brother a meaningful glance but didn't give him the chance to answer. ″From what I see, you definitely learned from it because you know exactly what kind of father you don't want to be and I know you'll never be like him, not only because of your past but also because you're so different than him. But what I also see is, that you're still running from it by avoiding everything that has to do with Dad.″

″I don't avoid him. I told him about Emilia's birth, showed him pictures and a couple weeks back I called him. He's just not the kind of person I need and want in my life, Will,″ Jay tried to explain.

″But maybe he needs and wants you in his life,″ Will shrugged.

″That's exactly the point Will,″ Jay said somewhat furiously but tried to keep his voice low because of the kids. ″He didn't need and want me for a very very long time and now things have turned around I shall just simply act like nothing ever happened? Sorry, but it's not that easy.″

″Okay,″ Will sighed frustrated. ″This is senseless and I don't want to argue with you on such a nice day.″

″I appreciate it,″ Jay said, before adding quietly, almost meekly: ″I think we'll stop by for a minute. I wanted to visit him anyway one day, I just always postponed it because it was so easy to find an excuse but now...I should maybe just use the occasion I guess.″

″You probably should,″ Will answered, giving his brother an encouraging smile and wondering whether his words have maybe had a bigger effect on him than he let him know.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay and Will returned to their picnic spot with a tired Emilia and a hungry Owen, the easy-going afternoon found a temporary end and the baby and the toddler both showed their dissatisfaction by being quite grumpy. However, Emilia drifted to sleep while Jay was giving her the bottle and after Owen had gotten a sandwich and some apple and melon pieces, tiredness overcame him as well. So while Emilia and Owen were dreaming sweet dreams in their strollers, Crispin once again lying directly under the handle bar of Emilia's stroller, Jay and Will started to goof around with a soccer ball and even persuaded the two women to join them so they could have a real match, tackling, bodychecking, hugging and kissing included. Not even once during their intensive matches the young dog tried to chase after the ball, like they all had somehow expected him to do, but he stayed by the strollers like he needed to protect the sleeping baby and toddler and make sure that no one else would come close to them.

They stayed at Lincoln Park for the remainder of the day, ate all their prepared food, which was a lot, talked about anything but work, played with Owen, Emilia and Crispin and kept the little ones entertained and satisfied in general. It was exactly what Jay needed after these stressful weeks of working almost 24/7. It was exactly what made Erin realize that this family life was the absolute best life and that something she'd never pictured herself in when she was young, a real family, was now her reality, was now _her_ life. And she never wanted to live differently again other than with spending her days with all the people who had a special place in her heart.

The family vibes continued on Sunday, when they were at their new house to paint Emilia's room and the master bedroom, as Justin and Olive, who were already living in their new home, invited them to come over for a barbeque in the early evening. Self-evidently they didn't turn this invitation down and while Erin and Olive prepared the side dishes, and Hank, who of course didn't miss the opportunity to spend an evening with his whole family, kept his grandkids entertained by building a railroad line through the complete living room, Jay helped Justin to build up Daniel's brandnew swing in the garden. Erin still couldn't believe her own eyes when she watched Jay and Justin working hand-in-hand. Of course Justin was way more mature now than he'd been back when him and Jay had met for the first time and when it had been evident that there was no appreciation for Jay on Justin's side, but them having this kind of almost brotherly bond, this kind of bromance, was beyond her wildest dreams. Not that she would complain though. It was just something she hadn't expected and was therefore still a tad bit weird.

After enjoying steaks and burgers and baked potatoes and grilled vegetables on the patio, while Erin and Jay envisioned in anticipation that this would soon be their daily routine, a peaceful life in the suburbs, that the traditional Voight-BBQ's on Sunday including their extended families could make a comeback by alternately Justin and Olive hosting or Erin and Jay or Hank himself, Erin and Jay used the occasion to show Hank their new house before they went home. They showed him each and every room, even the basement, and the big backyard proudly and told him about their plans what they wanted to do and change before moving in in August after their honeymoon. Hank was pretty impressed by the house his two detectives had decided would become their new home and counting all the bedrooms he wondered what kind of bigger plans these two had he wasn't in the loop about so far. Not that it was any of his business or that he _really_ wanted to know any further details about it.

And anyway, he loved being a grandfather, so the more the merrier and if Erin and Jay planned to expand their family by adding more little ones to their little brood, as in children, not dogs – though Crispin was a fitting addition to the family - he certainly wouldn't complain at all. Not anymore. Sure, one year ago, when he'd figured out that Jay had knocked his pseudo-daughter up, he'd wanted to cut the young detective's balls off but luckily for him things have changed since then. Emilia, their perfect, adorable princess, has made their all's world a little brighter, especially Erin's, and Jay has become an appreciated member of his family.

The place right next to Erin, the place on her side, this was exactly the place where the young detective needed to be, where he belonged, where he, Hank Voight, wanted him to be. And when he watched his daughter talking about their plans of redesigning and painting the rooms and buying new furniture, saw her eyes sparkling in excitement for a settled life in the suburbs, far away from the city turmoil that she'd always used to love, he couldn't help but smile by the thought that this girl was the same girl that had once had commitment and trust issues as huge as the Mount Everest.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Reality caught them again on Monday morning when they entered the bullpen and were faced with the crime that had happened on Friday night and had brought Crispin into their lives. The unit had a few leads so far but mostly lose ends and nothing that brought them anywhere, nothing that indicated that this case would be wrapped soon, and so Erin had to work a case that hit close to home for the first time since coming back from maternity leave.

Going through some files and talking with the rest of the team, which had worked through the weekend, they quickly learned that there were no family members that could take Crispin, who was with them in the bullpen as they didn't want Carol to also take care of the young dog, and so they had to contact the animal shelter for help with finding him a new home.

″What did they say?″ Jay asked Erin after following her into the break room. She'd just finished her call with Adrian from Paws and had motioned her head to the break room when Jay'd given her the 'what-did-they-say-look'. Needless to say that he was curious and maybe even a tad bit anxious.

″They asked whether he can stay with us until they find a family for him but from the description I gave them they think it won't be a big deal to find one and they could easily already pick him up within the next two or three days,″ she explained and kept herself busy with filling her mug. She didn't want to see his face while telling him those news because she was sure she would discover hints of disenchantment on it.

″Ouh...okay,″ Jay said and Erin tried to overhear the sadness in his voice. She knew he wanted to keep the dog rather than giving him to someone else. But they couldn't. Not now. This was the worst possible timing as their life was enough hustle and bustle and they needed to focus on other things, so adding a dog to the mix was simply not an option. Right now.

″They'll find a great family for him, Jay,″ she said when she finally turned around to him and gave him an encouraging smile that didn't reach her eyes.

″Yeah, I know,″ he sighed, biting his lower lip that signalised Erin that there was something on the tip of his tongue he wasn't sure he should hold back or blurt out.

″What?″ she asked, giving him a meaningful glance that showed him that she knew he was holding something back.

″Uhm...″ he stumbled. Sometimes she could read him like an open book, it was scary. ″Shouldn't we simply keep him? I mean the weekend was great and...″

″Jay,″ Erin sighed and placed her hand on his chest. It wasn't that she was completely against the idea of keeping Crispin, but they simply had to be rational here. And make a decision in Crispin's best interest. ″We can't. The weekend was great because we had a lot of time for him. But during the week, we simply don't have that time and it's not fair to him to take him to the bullpen with us every day or leave him alone at home. He's a great dog and that's why he deserves to live with a family that can really give him the attention he needs and deserves, where someone is there for him all day long. At the moment a dog simply doesn't fit into our life. And we'll soon have the house that'll be a lot more work regarding housework and everything and adding a dog would be even more work and I don't think I want that right now.″

″You're right,″ Jay nodded. What she said made sense but it didn't make things easier. ″But we only give him to the best family possible.″ A weak smile rushed over his face by his words.

″Of course. We only give him to a family we feel comfortable with,″ she assured him, cupped his cheek with her hand and brushed a short kiss against his lips.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The call came a couple hours later, shortly before Erin wanted to leave the bullpen to spend the afternoon with her baby girl. Paws had already found a possible family for Crispin and they wanted to meet him on the following morning. In the first moment Erin was quite shocked as this came sooner and happened faster than expected and she'd honestly thought they would at least have him around for another two days. But in fact the sooner he joined his new family, the better it was for all of them. They wouldn't get used to him, more than they already were, and Crispin wouldn't get used to them, more than he already was. The whole day in the bullpen he'd constantly changed places between lying under Erin's desk and Jay's and Erin had to admit that her heart broke a little by the thought of saying goodbye to him. Even though it's only been three nights it's become so normal that his bed was placed in Emmy's room and that he slept there and would greet them fawning in the morning when they opened the door to the nursery. But then she thought about all the things the other family could give him that they couldn't and she felt a little better with their decision, or in fact her decision, of giving the dog away.

After picking Emmy up from Carol, Erin took her and Crispin for a long stroll and only returned home when it was almost time to make dinner as her hungry man would come home anytime within the next two hours. Hopefully. She changed Emilia's diaper and then decided to spend a couple more minutes with her daughter. These were the best moments of the day, especially after a day and a case like today, so cooking could wait a couple more minutes. She sat down on the floor, Crispin lying down next to her instantly, his head resting on his favorite spot on her thigh. Of course the young dog wanted to be as close to them as possible, just as always. She settled Emilia in her lap and showed her her favorite stuffy, the big Eeyore, always brought it up in front of her face and pulled it back when Emmy tried to reach for it while making noises that were surely not from this earth, noises she'd once sworn herself she would never make. But here she was, playing with her almost five-month-old, talking in baby voices and letting her inner child display. Emilia's noises meanwhile were pure heart-balm, her joyful squealing and giggling sounding like music in Erin's ears. Never had she thought that a baby's squealing would one day be her favorite sound in the world instead of scaring the crap out of her.

″Okay, here you go, bug,″ Erin finally said laughingly and gave Emilia her beloved stuffy that was still way too big for her. But of course Emilia reached for it anyway, no matter that it was almost as big as she was herself. She was Erin's daughter after all so there was no doubt that this girl knew exactly what she wanted and went for it.

″We should take Eeyore to the living room and start to prepare dinner because daddy will come home soon and I bet he'll be super hungry. He asked me to make mac n' cheese, so I guess mac n' cheese it is today,″ she told Emilia while getting up from the floor. Of course Crispin jumped up from the spot he's been lying on for the last ten minutes as well and followed Erin on her heels as she walked to the living room. She placed Emilia down on the playmat on her tummy, made sure that all her toys were within reach so she could occupy herself for a minute and then started to make dinner in the kitchen, always keeping an eye on Crispin and Emilia. But once again there was no need for her to be worried. Not that she was anyway. Not anymore. She trusted him and she was sure Crispin would never hurt Emilia. He was so careful with her, it was incredible.

Witnessing these two interacting was heart-touching and Erin couldn't turn her eyes away. They were the cutest and most adorable duo. Instead of reaching for all her toys, Emilia aimed for Crispin's fur and the dog did her the favor and changed his position so he was lying closer by her side, as if he was able to understand what she wanted, as if he knew she couldn't reach him on her own yet, as if there was some sort of invisible connection between the two of them. He even encouraged her by giving her butt a soft nudge with his nose. She grabbed for the fur on his side and the moment she touched it, she squeaked joyfully, her whole body shaking due to her excitement, her happiness evident in her big blue eyes.

It was in that moment, when she watched her daughter smiling as bright as never before, when she thought her eyes were playing tricks on her because it looked like _Crispin_ was smiling as well, when she once again realized that Crispin didn't bother at all that Emilia twisted his fur in her tiny fists but rather seemed to enjoy it, when she was sure this was one of the most beautiful scenes she's ever witnessed, that she decided that this dog would not go anywhere. That Crispin was here to stay. That this was his forever home, right in the middle of their little family. That he was in fact a member of this family already and that they wouldn't let him go or give him away. That he belonged into this family, was like a puzzle piece that fitted perfectly. He didn't need another family that maybe had more time for him or could give him more attention. He's found his place and he didn't need anything but this to be happy.

She stopped with preparing mac n' cheese, not that she had already really started anyway – she's been too occupied with watching Emmy and Crispin and maybe it was time for take-out for the first time in weeks - and joined the two of them on the floor again.

″So Crisp,″ she said and stroked the dog extensively, ″what do you think about staying with us permanently, buddy?″ she asked. ″I know that's crazy but you know what? I don't care. You belong here and we won't give you away. And I bet Jay will be over the moon with this as well,″ she chuckled, imagining her soon-to-be-husband's face when she would tell him that Crispin was here to stay.

Erin was still down on the floor, cuddling with Emilia and Crispin and enjoying this new reality to have a four-legged kiddo next to the two-legged one, when an unexpected ring of the bell on the door disturbed their little family moment.

Crispin jumped up immediately and for the first time since he joined them, he barked. Loudly. Almost aggressively. It seemed like their newest family member wasn't really into this kind of noise and he suddenly seemed to be a bit out of his comfort zone.

″Buddy keep cool,″ Erin told him, giving his head a pat. ″You stay here with Emmy and I check the door, okay? No one bad's coming, I promise,″ she said, suddenly realizing that he maybe remembered how the bell had rang a couple days back before some guy had killed his family. No wonder he was a bit jazzed.

″Stay Crisp, it'll be fine,″ she said. Yet, she had no idea.

Of course Crispin stayed, he was a well-behaved dog after all, but instead of lying or sitting down and starting to relax, he stayed on his four paws and watched her anxiously as she made her way to the door.

Erin didn't give it further thought but the moment she opened the door she knew that there was a possible second reason why the dog was acting weird. She only wished she could turn back time to look through the peephole before opening the door, just like she usually did. Except today. A whirlwind of emotions and thoughts hit her when she saw who was paying them a visit. Again.

″You gotta be fucking kidding me,″ Erin snapped at the woman with the wild blonde hair who stood in front of the door wobbling, not anywhere near of being sober. Erin could even smell the alcohol from her breath and her eyes told her that she'd mixed the booze with pills or some other drugs that made her triste life more enjoyable.

″Eriiiin,″ Bunny slurred and made a step into her direction, was almost falling into her arms, her fingers clawing around a bottle of rum. ″Lemme see my graaaaanchild.″

″Uhm, no. Never,″ Erin said and shook her head vehement, pushed Bunny back a little.

″Pleeeeease, Erin, I wanna...I wanna meet the baby,″ she hiccuped.

″Get out of here,″ she answered, her voice coming cold and strict, her finger pointing into the direction of the staircase. ″Right now,″ she added and a threatening undertone appeared in her voice as well. This time this woman would not triumph over her. This time Erin would be stronger than her. Maybe she had to slam the door in her face but she couldn't say she would mind. As long as this woman stayed out of their appartment and out of her life she would do anything, even hurting her physically.

″Erin, I'm the grandmother of your child,″ Bunny whined, making another attempt to get into the appartment. But Erin blocked the way and she wouldn't change her position. _Not this again_ , Erin thought, wondering whether Bunny's forgotten about their last encounter. Because she sure as hell hasn't.

″Bunny, you're only one thing, and that's trouble,″ Erin answered all dry, trying to keep cool. ″The moment you were back and tried to sneak back into my life I knew you were trouble. I just honestly thought Jay made his point _clear_ about what coming back again means for you.″

″Oh, your _boytoy_ made his point clear, no worries,″ she laughed maliciously and out of sudden she didn't seem as high anymore. So Erin prepared herself for a possible comeback of the beast.

″Good,″ Erin breathed out. ″So what are you doing here then?″ she asked her provokingly.

″Getting my grandchild,″ Bunny answered and before Erin could do anything or prepare or react in any way, Bunny pushed her back as hard and brutal and sudden that she stumbled backwards over her own feet, not being able to hold her balance. She tried to grab for anything that could keep her from falling but it all happened too fast and her hands reached for nothing and the next thing she felt was a stabbing pain when the back of her head crashed against the edge of the sideboard. Within a second everything around her turned blurry, the burning pain made her stomach turn and her eyelids got unbelievably heavy. Crispin's intense barking seemed to be far away and the last thing she saw before the darkness closed in around her was Bunny, who was not able to walk straight, making her way to Emilia's mat. And there was nothing she could do about it...

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 **Reviews are appreciated, as always! Meanwhile, I'll go and hide!**


	59. Broken Promises

**Thank y'all for your feedback and sorry for leaving you hanging there...**

* * *

 **59\. Broken Promises**

Everything was completely black around her but she could feel the pain. She had the feeling her head was about to explode, the searing pain throbbing on the back of her head and down her neck, making her nauseous. Nonetheless she forced herself to open her eyes but as soon as they met the tiniest bit of light, it sent her world spinning and she closed them instinctively before she would completely lose her consciousness again. She tried to remember what had happened, why she was lying on the floor, the pain in her head slowly killing her, but she couldn't put the pieces of all these blurry pictures in her head together into one that made sense and the pain increased in its intensity when she tried to activate her brain cells, when she tried to sort all these loose pieces in her head.

She let out a deep breath and swallowed the feeling of nausea down that all these rushed, fuzzy pictures combined with the pain caused. She tried to open her eyes for a second time, this time preparing herself for the light that would blind her and would send a sharp pain through her whole body. She opened them slowly, let them adjust to the light and forced herself to keep them open, fought against the urge to close them again so she would possibly be relieved from the hammering pain in her head. Her eyelids were heavy but she forced herself to open her eyes a little more, step by step, until she was able to open them completely. She tried to check her surroundings but only saw the ceiling of their apartment. Staring at the white ceiling, she suddenly saw tiny stars dancing in front of her eyes again like crazy and she couldn't do anything other than to close them for a second, the darkness that surrounded her giving her relief, her world stopping to spin as the blackness took over.

She forced herself to stay awake, to not give in and let her eyelids flutter open again, just a tad bit this time and tried to push herself up into a sitting position. Surprisingly this worked better than the process of adjusting her eyes to the surroundings and although the pain in her head got worse by the minute, she found herself sitting on the floor of the hall a couple of seconds later. She stayed down there for a moment until the blur disappeared, focussed her eyes on the familiar surroundings without letting them rest at one spot for too long and without moving her aching head too much. She took a few more deep breaths, still fighting against the nausea.

She managed to keep the contents of her stomach down and adjusted her position into one that would allow her to get up. Slowly and carefully she got on her knees first, fighting against the dizziness that hit her and made her almost fall over again, before she got up, her legs barely being able to carry her weight, her head surely being close to simply explode into a million pieces. She stumbled a few steps backwards, like she was absolutely drunk, but miraculously managed to stay on her wobbling feet, her world spinning around her once more and she firmed her hand against the wall for support. Her other hand traveled to the back of her head to check out the damage that's been done and she moaned in pain once her fingers carefully touched the bump. She brought her hand up in front of her face and that's when she saw the blood on her fingers. Her blood. She had a bleeding wound on the back of her head caused by...– in this moment it all clicked in, all the pieces formed into one picture, leaving the frightening imagine of one person behind.

Bunny.

The woman that has been news ever since had once again shown up in front of their apartment to mess everything up but this time she hadn't even held back to hurt her physically by attacking her and pushing her as hard that she crashed against the sideboard with the back of her had. And she'd then left her own daughter unconsciousness, bleeding, injured, not giving a care whether she was fine or dying. Bunny Fletcher. That was her all over.

It was only in this moment, as she was once more disgusted by the woman that claimed to be her _mother_ , that another piece came into the picture, that still had some missing pieces, one that sent her heart racing and her world crashing. One that trapped the air in her lungs and made her stomach turn.

Bunny hadn't just left. She'd instead walked over her, breaking into their apartment, right to the place next to the window where Emmy had been lying on her mat, blissfully unaware of the bad things that happened only a few meters away from her.

With unsteady, weak legs and her whole body shaking in general, with having the feeling to pass out any second and panic creeping up in her, Erin made some slow steps forward, ignoring the stars in front of her eyes, one step after the other, concentrating not to fall over and crash with the floor once more, praying inwardly to see her daughter lying there but deep down inside already knowing that what she prayed for wasn't what she would find, her feeling and the silence in the apartment telling her everything she needed to know.

Once her eyes fell on the colorful mat and the various toys spread around everything she's always feared got confirmed. It was empty and abandoned. Her heart literally stopped beating when she terrifyingly realized that Emilia was in the clutches of Bunny. Time stood still in the most horrible way and she had the feeling that the entire universe was closing in around her, assaulting her, abusing her.

The place that should have been her daughter's safe home was the place Erin's own mother, high on booze and pills and possibly out on revenge, had barged into and had kidnapped Emilia to do God knows what with her. The pain she felt in that moment, as the realization settled, was worse than any pain she'd ever felt before. She had the feeling that she was being teared apart inwardly, her heart being ripped out of her body, a knife being rammed into her stomach, her lungs not doing the job of breathing properly anymore as there was no air left. She was gasping for air and then hyperventilating, choking, wheezing and crying all at once as her legs gave out and she doubled over. The only good thing she's ever done, the one thing that had taught her how it was when her own heart was beating outside of her chest, the one thing she'd sworn to never let anything happen to, was the one thing she hadn't been able to protect from the evil. One of the two things in her life she couldn't lose, she'd just lost. And it was all her fault.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _7.35pm_

″I don't need a damn hospital!″ Erin yelled at the paramedics who'd just told her for the second time that she needed to get checked out at Chicago Med because her concussion seemed to be severe. She could feel the wound on her head pulsating by her words, another panic attack creeping up, her guts tightening. ″I just need my baby!″

Things had happened in a blur ever since she discovered that Emilia was missing. She couldn't even recall all her actions, the chronology of events, but she'd apparently managed to call Jay to come home, had told him about what happened because he'd stormed into their apartment literally five minutes later with the better part of the 21st district in tow. Patrol cars lined down the street outside of their apartment complex, the whole neighborhood illuminated in blue. Suddenly the perspectives were changed. Suddenly they weren't the detectives interrogating the parents of the kidnapped child in their home. Suddenly their very own home was the crime scene where a domestic had happened and they were the parents that've lost their most precious treasure and were walking on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump down, close to fall down any second.

″Okay, okay,″ Jay said and pushed her back into the cushions of the couch. She could see in his eyes that he was just as terrified as she was, fearing for Emmy's life, sweat covering his forehead, his eyes wide, his pupils huge, the blue color almost being disappeared. But so far he kept his act together. For her sake she guessed. ″Just give her a band aid, something against the pain,″ he told the two paramedics.

″She needs a head scan and...-″ the younger of the two explained.

″She'll get one. But not now,″ Jay said determinedly. ″Please.″

″We're not responsible if anything happens. We told you to go...-″

″Yeah, whatever,″ Jay answered impatiently. ″Just give her something that takes the pain away.″

The two paramedics exchanged another uncertain glance before they injected a clear liquid into her vein. They told them something about how they would stay outside for the time being but Erin didn't really listen. Her mind was anywhere but in their apartment, dealt with pictures of her baby girl being at some shabby place with that lunatic all alone. She didn't care about the pain. Whether she had any serious injuries. She ignored the dizziness, the nausea, the pouding pain, the possibility of a traumatic brain injury or a brain bleeding, was running on pure adrenaline, her thoughts turning around one thing. They had to find Emilia. Soon. _Very_ soon. Kidnappings always had that timeframe in which it was likely that everything turned out fine, so they were running out of time.

She covered her head in her palms, closed her eyes for a minute and wished she could turn back time. So she could watch through the peephole and keep the door locked. Or only open it with her gun positioned behind her back. But she hadn't done anything of this and the aftermath of this one stupid decision was that they would maybe never see their daughter again. Wouldn't see her growing up, wouldn't be allowed to experience all those things they'd envisioned. Like holding her hand while she was making her first steps, hearing her babbling her first real words, getting some wet kisses or her wanting to share her sippy cup with them. The air caught in her throat again. She felt paralyzed. And numb, the medication doing its job.

She felt Jay sitting down next to her. He embraced her icecold hands with his and leaned his forehead against hers. ″We're going to find her,″ he whispered. It sounded like a desperate wish. Not like something he was convinced of.

Because he was lying. Of course he was. She could hear it. But he said what she needed to hear. Only that she knew better than this, knew that they were moving on pure hope and nothing else, knew how kidnappings went. Hell, she was a cop. This was exactly what she always told the parents or other relatives, knowing very well that chances were slim and that one could only hope.

″Kiddo,″ she suddenly heard Hank's voice. She looked up and that was when she almost lost it for the second time. She already had when she'd fallen into Jay's arms a couple of minutes ago, sobbing uncontrolledly. She felt her tears coming up again and exhaled and inhaled deeply to keep them down. She didn't want to get compassion. She didn't want to get hugged. She didn't want to be told that everything was going to be fucking fine.

″When was Bunny here?″ Hank asked instantly, not hugging her or saying any other encouraging words that would only make it worse. He took the spot right next to her and waited for her to tell him what exactly had happened. So far she's only been able to give Jay a few details, almost not being able to form full sentences and only throwing single words at him, and he'd given them to the patrol units immediately. Now, with the pain killers and light sedative slowly kicking in, she hoped that she could tell them more than a scatterbrained stammer of words.

″I don't know,″ she answered defeated. She wished she could remember any more details but she didn't know when Bunny had showed up and how long she'd been out, lying on the floor unconscious. ″I took Emmy and Crispin for a stroll and returned home and wanted to make dinner because Jay was supposed to come home soon. So it was probably around six.″

Erin gazed down at the watch around Jay's wrist. It read 7.43pm. The knots in her stomach tightened. If she was right about the timeframe, Emilia's been in Bunny's clutches for more than an hour already. More than one hour of Emmy being with the woman that was as high as a bird. Her body started to shake, her heart to race, her world to spin. Again.

″What about the dog? Where is he?″ Hank asked.

″I don't know, probably with Bunny as well. He never left Emmy's side so he probably followed them outside and took off then.″ She couldn't say that she cared about the dog. Crispin was the very last thing on her mind right now and she didn't really care whether he was with Bunny as well or whether he'd just saved himself from the trouble by leaving through the wide open door. She couldn't blame him for the latter.

Hank's phone rang before he could continue asking questions, he picked it up instantly, exchanged a couple of words with whoever was on the other end and hung up again.

″Anything?″ Erin asked, lifting her head, the tiniest bit of hope appearing on her face. The moment Hank looked at her she knew he would take that hope away from her in a heartbeat. Her hand clawed into her other hand, hoping that this would hurt more than the words that were about to leave Hank's mouth. But she was numb to the pain. At least to the physical pain.

″No,″ he answered honestly and shook his head. ″O'Hare and Midway are in the loop, Union Station as well. There are traffic controls on every highway that leads out of Chicago. Patrol units are all over the city, at bus stations, at El stations and at the Greyhound station. They're also checking every place where she could be and literally tear this city apart. The news channels and radio stations have Bunny's and Emilia's descriptions and pictures and they'll air it every fifteen minutes. I informed every damn of my CI's before I came here and everyone is already reaching out to theirs. Kevin and Adam are dismantling the bar, Antonio and Alvin are outside, asking neighbors, Platt and Burgess are paying her friends a visit and Mouse is pinging her phone and checking her credit cards. We're going to find her, Erin,″ he said and squeezed her upper arm supportingly, his voice characterized by rare emotions. ″We're going to find her, Jay,″ he then added, looking at the young detective who tried to be strong for his other half. ″She most probably didn't plan this. She'll make a mistake.″

″She was high on booze and pills,″ Erin said slowly like she hadn't paid attention to Hank's words, gazing at her two hands that were clutched together, holding on for dear life, her knuckles turning white. ″She has no car seat for her,″ she continued, her voice trembling, her eyes empty but yet full with unshed tears. ″She's not roadworthy like that...what if...,″ she swallowed hardly, her hands turning even whiter, no blood left in her fingers. ″What if she speeds against the next bridge pier?″ she whispered, her voice breaking in despair as pictures flooded her mind. Pictures of a completely destroyed car, burned out, leaving only ashes and a wreck behind, no life.

″Erin, there's no car registered in her name. Emilia will be fine.″ This was all he said. But even Hank's raspy and usually clear voice sounded terrified and like he didn't believe himself.

″Sarge,″ Antonio called from the doorway and walked over to join them and in the first moment he seemed hesitant with telling his news in front of them. But Hank didn't leave his spot next to Erin, only looked at him expectantly.

″One of the neighbors saw something. Says a blonde woman came out of the building with a baby in her arms, got into a car and drove off,″ he explained the newest developments. Erin sucked in a sharp breath by his words, feeling sick to her stomach, silent tears streaming down her face as she exchanged a quick glance with Jay. He just shook his head slightly and Erin wasn't sure whether it was because he wanted to tell her without words that her mind shouldn't go there or because he tried to shake the same thoughts and pictures off as she did.

″We have a license plate?″ Hank asked anxiously.

″No,″ Antonio answered but he was quick to continue. ″But it was a white Toyota Corolla, older model, probably from between 1995 and 2000. Mouse is already on it.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _10.11pm_

Around four hours have passed since Bunny had kidnapped the little girl from Erin's and Jay's apartment and so far they had absolutely nothing. Nothing on the car, nothing from Bunny's drugdealer friends. This had been their greatest hope, that she would show up at one of her dealers because she needed a fix. But either she had what she needed with her or was already coming down from a high at some hidden place that was probably in danger of collapsing. No matter what, it seemed like she's disappeared, not leaving any trace behind.

Everyone in the bullpen, the whole 21st district, even fire station 51 gave their all to find the daughter of the two detectives. They were all out and about, talking to CI's or looking at any place where Bunny once had been, where she had connections to.

Erin and Jay were in the bullpen, together with Alvin and Antonio who were calling every gas station in Chicago, asking for a certain white Toyota. They weren't allowed to do anything other than checking internal files and data but Erin couldn't concentrate on anything anyway. She paced up and down the aisle of the bullpen, from the break room to the locker room and back, always asking her colleagues for anything new as soon as they hung up, praying that finally someone would tell them that the Toyota was seen. The pain in her head was throbbing unbearably and she had no idea how she was still functioning. She felt dizzy, limp and lifeless but she didn't allow herself to break down.

Her mind constantly created worst-case-scenarios as she knew that the chances that they would find Emilia got smaller with every minute that passed uneventfully. Bunny could already be out of town with her, on the way south to the Mexican border. Up north to the Canadian border. They could already be in Iowa, Indiana, Minnesota, Missouri, Michigan or Wisconsin. They could literally be anywhere, though of course they could still be in Chicago. But did she really believe that? She wanted so badly but she couldn't. Deep down inside a feeling settled that she would never see her daughter again, never smell her sweat peach scent again, never hold her close again and cuddle with her for hours. Their life would never be the same again and probably they would have to live wondering where their daughter was, whether she was dead or alive, until the day they died.

At that thought, Erin vomitted the contents of her stomach into the sink of the break room and it seemed like everything she'd held back all the time she was throwing up now until nothing was left and she was only dry heaving. She heard someone entering the room and a couple of seconds later there was a hand gently rubbing up and down her spine. Jay's hand. She would recognize this touch from a million.

She cleared her mouth with icecold water when she was done and then lifted her head to look at him. She expected him to _finally_ look at her reproachfully, to blame her for this, to tell her that she's robbed him of his daughter. But when her eyes found his, she only saw the same agonizing fear, the same deep pain that have been there since he had stormed into the apartment a couple of hours prior. She couldn't even look at herself in the mirror, so how could he look at her like this?

Guilt was eating her up, was taking everything from her and he just acted like it wasn't her fault. Like it was the most normal thing that her own mother would break into their apartment and kidnap Emilia. Like she hadn't screwed up by not protecting Emmy enough, by not foreseeing what Bunny was up to and what she was capable of doing. Why was he still this supportive? Why didn't he blame her? Why didn't he yell at her? Why was he so calm? Why was he acting like he didn't know that all of this was her fault? Why couldn't he simply scream at her for failing in protecting their daughter in the moment she'd needed her protection most?

″Come on,″ Jay said and she startled from her daze. He reached for her hand to pull her with him but she kept on standing there like some stone.

″Why are you doing this?″ she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.

″What?″ Jay asked and spun around again, looking at her in confusion.

″Why are you doing this?″ she asked again, a little louder this time, and pulled her hand back.

″Er, what are you talking about?″ he asked softly, reaching out for her face but she took a step back.

″Why can't you just simply be mad at me? Why can't you just simply yell at me? We both know this is my fault and don't pretend differently,″ she yelled, felt a lump building in her throat. But this didn't keep her from continuing to yell at the one person who's always had her back. ″Why the hell can't you just scream at me for the way I failed? For being guilty for whatever happens to her in this moment? Scream at me Jay! JUST FUCKING SCREAM AT ME!″

With those words she broke down. Her legs gave up and she sunk on her knees. Heavy tears falling from her eyes, crying as hard that she struggled to breathe. She felt how he wrapped his arms around her and held her close to his body against his muscular, warm chest. She didn't fight against it. She couldn't.

He buried his face in her hair and kissed the top of her head. ″Because screaming doesn't help to push the pain away,″ he mumbled, his hand cradling her neck. ″And most of all, because this is not your fault. If it's anyone's fault it's mine because I should've locked her up back in April, when I had the chance to do so,″ he said and his voice cracked on the last words.

When Erin looked up to him again she saw silent tears running down his cheeks like a river. Tears of despair, tears of frustration, tears of dread, tears of hopelessness. Her hero, her rock, her champion was broken. Just like she was.

In case they didn't find Emilia in time they would jump off the cliff together.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _11.07pm_

Hank's Escalade, followed by three other police cars, was speeding through the empty streets of Chicago, Erin and Jay sitting on the back seats as the sirens resounded in the darkness of this rainy summer night. A heavy thunderstorm had set in two hours ago and has left downpour behind. It seemed like whichever higher power was up there decided to fit the weather to the current situation as the world was breaking in around them in two ways.

But there was a tiny glimmer of new hope. Someone had found the Toyota, slightly damaged and abandoned under a bridge in Englewood, one of the areas they often had to go to due to crimes. There was the possibility that Bunny and Emilia were still around, in case their car broke down or they had a little accident and this wasn't a part of a bigger plan, as Bunny most probably had to flee on foot now. Nonetheless a cold shiver ran down Erin's back by imagining that her daughter was in this troubled neighborhood with her drugged out _mother_.

Hank jammed on the brakes almost from 100 to 0 as soon as they reached the scene. Erin and Jay jumped out of the car and so did Hank, the three of them making their way to the white Toyota with big steps, almost running. For a brief moment Erin turned around to see whether the rest of the unit was following but they already spread out to search the circuit.

Even before they were close enough to inspect the car and determine the damage, one of the patrol officers came their way.

″Sergeant, Detectives,″ he nodded briefly. ″We found something in the car,″ he said and motioned his head to follow him.

Erin's heart was hammering in her chest. What had they found? Something that would give them a lead? Or something that would cause their world to crash even more? Her gut feeling told her it was rather the latter and once they stood in front of the car and the officer reached for something, this feeling got confirmed.

″Is this your daughter's?″ he asked and showed them one of her bandanas, the one with the 'I-love-my-daddy lettering, droplets of blood covering the yellow fabric.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded mechanically, not being able to say more. Emilia had been here. She had been bleeding and was probably seriously injured. And who knew whether she was even still alive. They'd apparently had a car accident and without a car seat, this could've been fatal for her.

″That's all we found,″ the officer said. ″Unfortunately it doesn't seem like anyone witnessed what went down here, whether there was another getaway car here, whether she met someone or whether they had an accident and are now fleeing on foot. Patrol units are already combing the area.″

″What about helicopters?″ Hank asked instantly, eyes darting. This was the Hank Voight no one wanted to cross paths with. ″K9?″

″Uhm,″ the officer stammered. ″Not yet.″

″The child of two Chicago Police Officers is missing and it didn't cross your mind to pull out all the stops instantly?″ Hank yelled at him and the man in uniform automatically stepped back. ″You were the one to respond and were the first on scene and you just wasted ten valuable minutes by not calling all instances possible! Those _ten_ minutes can decide whether there's a chance to find her or not!″ he barked and Erin was sure he would go for his throat any minute.

But instead he just turned around and stormed away, pulled his phone out of his pocket while doing so, leaving Erin and Jay back alone with the officer, his colleagues and the car.

Erin stepped away from the scene, wrapped her arms around her body to hold herself together and let her gaze wander around in the darkness, Jay following her. Naturally.

″Where is she?″ she whispered desperately, terrifyingly. ″Where is she?″ she whispered again but the wind and the heavy rainfall swallowed her words.

″She's here somewhere. We're close. We'll have her back soon,″ Jay answered quietly. Erin slightly shook her head. Maybe he was right and she was here somewhere but that didn't mean she was _alive_. Maybe they would have her back soon but that didn't mean they would have her back _alive_. Any minute someone could call them and tell them that they found her tiny, lifeless body. Something told her that they were too late. Just like they had been too late with finding Nadia. For the second time they let someone down who'd depended on them. Only this time it was their own daughter who wouldn't even be allowed to celebrate her first birthday.

″What if...what if we're too late?″ she choked.

″We're not,″ Jay answered emphatically and turned her shoulder so she had to face him. ″She will be fine, okay? She will be fine.″

She turned away from him, her eyes focussing on the blue sirens, tears starting to stream down her face again. ″You promised...-″ she sobbed quietly, almost inaudibly.

″You promised,″ she whispered.

″You promised.″ Once again she turned her head, this time towards him again, and when her eyes met his tear-stained, hurt ones she knew he knew what she was referring to.

″You promised,″ she said again, her voice gaining strength and Jay couldn't swallow his sobs down anymore, was weeping bitterly, shaken by a crying jag.

″YOU PROMISED,″ she yelled at him and once again he answered her yelling with wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace. Only this time she fought, thrummed her fists against his chest to escape. But he wouldn't let her go as she felt him crying into her hair.

″YOU PROMISED NOTHING'S EVER GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER,″ she screamed at him, throwing her head against his chest in absolute desperation, ignoring the throbbing pain that seemed to be worse than all the time before.

″You promised,″ she sobbed quietly into the fabric of his shirt.

″You promised,″ she whispered defeated and just like this the world around her turned black.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _7.28pm_

Will Halstead was discussing a chart of one of his patients with the head of neurology, when the panicked voice of his younger brother resounded from trauma room four.

″Will!″ he yelled and within a second the older Halstead dumped the chart on the desk and ran towards the room where his brother paced up and down in front of the bed. The bed where is sister-in-law was lying in. She was as white as the sheets, any color drained from her face, cold sweat covering her forehead. She was wheezing heavily, the heart monitor that had the only purpose to control her heartbeat just to be on the safe side, not because she necessarily was in a critical condition, beeping loudly and dangerously. Her face was contorted with pain but she wasn't exactly awake. More in between drifting in and out of consciousness. It didn't even need him five seconds to analyze the situation.

″She's having a panic attack,″ Will said, moving to the medicine cupboard quickly, looking for a sedative that would help her to calm down.

″Let me try something first,″ Jay insisted before Will could inject the drug into her IV. He didn't want her to drift back to sleep for the next couple of hours. He _needed_ her to wake up. And from the time he'd struggled with symptoms of PTSD and had helped Mouse to get through his night terrors, he knew that sometimes all people in distress needed was having someone close talking to them, showing their subconscious mind that they were there.

″Jay-″ Will started to argue but Jay cut it short.

″Just thirty seconds,″ he pleaded and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He cupped Erin's cheek with his hand, stroked over her face with the pad of his thumb.

″Hey babe, everything is alright,″ he said quietly and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. ″You're safe and I'm here and I won't let anything happen to you. I need you to calm down so you can wake up soon, okay? I won't leave your sight until you're back with me and if Will has to give you that sedative now you won't wake up all night. I need you with me Erin,″ he whispered, stroked his other hand over her hair and kissed her again, nuzzled his nose against her soft skin.

He wasn't sure whether it was him being close to her or the words he'd said but the heart monitor slowed down to a regular rhythm, her breathing steadied, her body loosened. Unfortunately she didn't wake up but as long as she didn't need a sedative that would keep her sleeping for the whole night, he was okay with it. Though _okay_ was not the appropriate word to describe his state. He was as far away from being okay as possible, was walking on a tightrope, losing his balance any second.

″Thanks,″ Jay breathed out as he looked up to his brother who seemed to be unexpectedly stunned and put the injection back into the medicine cupboard. ″When will she wake up?″

″Soon,″ Will assured him, the desperate tone of his brother's voice breaking his heart. ″She has a very bad concussion, so the longer she sleeps before waking up, the better for her,″ he explained. ″But the good news is, there are no injuries to her brain, no bleeding. I just discussed her head scan with the chief of neurology and there's nothing to worry about. She'll be fine.″ He placed his hand on Jay's shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze.

″Thank God,″ he breathed out, the tiniest amout of relief settling inside of him. ″But what is she going through?″ he asked quietly, desperately and wrapped his hand around hers, squeezed it gently. He just wanted her to wake up so he could hold her in her arms and tell that she was safe, that there was nothing she had to be afraid of.

″Her mind's most probably processing the things that happened,″ Will sighed. _The things that happened_ , Jay thought. Things like being attacked in her own apartment. By her own mother. This was about all he knew.

When he'd been in the locker room over an hour ago, ready to leave his workplace to go home to his two girls, his phone had buzzed in the pocket of his jeans. He'd been confused to read Carol's name and had answered it, asking what was up, and had then gotten a barrage of words that had brought him close to having a heart attack. She'd told him something about Crispin not stopping to bark, so she went upstairs, ran into a blonde woman with a bleeding wound on her arm on the stairs but didn't give it much thought, and found Erin unconsciousness in the doorway. She'd called him just after she'd called 911 and Jay had rushed to Chicago Med, ignoring all traffic rules on the way. Meanwhile the rest of the unit had gone to the crime scene, _their home_ , and Carol had told them the whole story again, a little more structured this time. The description of the blonde woman had sounded terrifyingly familiar to Hank and there was only one person on his mind who would've been capable of doing something like this. He'd shown her a photo of Bunny and had gotten the answer he'd expected.

″Hey Jay, you good?″ Will's worried voice broke through his daze.

″Uhm...yeah, sorry,″ Jay nodded and sighed. ″It's just...a lot.″

″I know. You need anything? A cup of coffee? Sandwich? Chocolate?″ the ginger asked.

″Coffee would be great, thanks,″ Jay answered, trying to give his brother a smile. It stayed with a try.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _8.16pm_

Jay's hand was still wrapped around Erin's hand tightly and he was sipping on his coffee-to-go when Erin started to move, not as panicked as an hour prior. She seemed to drift into consciousness gently. She moaned quietly, her eyelids fluttered and Jay squeezed her hand a little harder to encourage her to open them completely, to show her that he was there and she wasn't alone.

″Hey babe, it's okay,″ he said and took the spot on the edge of her bed again to be as close to her as possible. ″Come on, open those eyes.″

Slowly her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a couple of times to adjust her eyes to her surroundings, to figure out where she was, confusion being written all over her face.

″Hey,″ Jay smiled faintly when her confused eyes found him and he leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.

″Where...where am I?″ she whispered, a moan escaping from her lips and she squeezed her eyes together for a moment. Jay could tell she was in pain, the fluorescent light in the room hurting her eyes.

″Chicago Med. You hit your head pretty hard when...-″ he started but didn't keep on telling her what had happened that she's ended up in the hospital. _Too soon._ She needed to relax and telling her about what had happened in their apartment would surely not contribute to her recovery.

But it was too late already as it seemed like these words were enough to bring Erin's memories back and something triggered inside of her because before he could do anything she sat up with one fast move, wheezing due to the pain the fast movement caused in her head, her eyes wide in shock as the realization hit her.

″Emmy!″ Her voice was full of pain and fear, it shattered Jay's heart. He's never heard her voice like this before. And when he thought she was white before, he had no idea how describe the color of her face now.

″She's fine,″ he assured her quickly and pushed her back into the pillows. ″She's fine.″

″No, no, she isn't,″ Erin said, shaking her head, which sent pain like electrifying shocks through her whole body. ″Bunny, she kidnapped her. Bunny has her.″ She sat up again, fought against his hold by developing a strength he hadn't expected and started to pull on her IV.

Suddenly the pictures fell into place for Jay. _This_ was what her nightmare, her panic attack had been about, this was the reason for her heartrate reaching dangerous levels. She thought Emilia had been kidnapped by Bunny and was still with her in this very moment.

″Er, Er, Er,″ Jay said quickly, holding her hand so she wasn't able to rip out the needle in her lower arm. ″Emmy is fine. You hear me? She's fine. She's with Carol. And she's _fine_ ,″ he said emphatically.

″No Jay...Bunny...They had an accident. You _saw_ her bandana. She's injured,″ she whispered desperately, looking at him like he was out of his mind for being this calm, for telling her everything was fucking fine.

″Babe, listen to me,″ he said sternly, still not letting go of her hand although she squirmed her wrist in his hold. ″Emilia is fine. If you just give me a minute I will show you. Please just stop to hurt yourself. Please,″ he pleaded helplessly, the concern in his voice and eyes being all evident.

″Jay, Bunny got into out apartment. She...she...-″ Her voice broke, tears looming in her eyes, threatening to fall.

″I know,″ Jay nodded, silencing her by brushing his finger over her lips. Finally she let him push her back again but her eyes were still wide in fear.

He didn't trust her enough to leave her alone even for only ten seconds, so he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Carol's number. The older woman has been waiting in the doctor's lounge all the time, refusing to go home with the baby until Erin was awake. Now that he thought about it, Jay couldn't help but realize that their nanny had probably sensed that Erin would need to see her daughter, would need to assure herself that her daughter was fine, once she was awake.

″Hey Carol, Erin's awake and needs to see Emmy,″ he said before he added a ″thanks″ and hung up, his hand never letting go of Erin's.

″She's coming and she's bringing Emmy. It'll be alright Er, everything will be alright,″ he said and literally a second after the last word had left his mouth, Carol stepped into the trauma room, a sleeping Emilia cuddled against her chest.

″Oh my God,″ Erin gasped. ″Oh my God,″ she sobbed, tears streaming down her face like all gates were open. It were tears of endless relief.

″Look, there's mommy,″ Carol whispered against Emilia's head and placed the baby on Erin's chest. Erin wrapped her arms around her daughter's tiny frame, stroked up and down her back with shaky hands, inhaled her sweet scent, placed kisses on the top of her head and felt her heart beating against her own while the tears didn't stop to flow down.

″I'll leave you alone for a bit and wait in the doctor's lounge,″ Carol winked at Jay and left the little family alone.

″How...?″ Erin asked, not being able to form a full question out of the words that swirled through her head. Her headache was killing her but looking down into her daughter's peaceful, dreamy face, the pain seemed to fade. ″How...is that...possible?″

Jay reached for one of her hands and took it in his own again before he started to tell her what they knew. What they _thought_ had happened earlier.

″Bunny wanted to kidnap her. But she didn't. She couldn't. We think Crispin protected Emilia with his life and didn't let Bunny come close to her and when she tried, he even went one step further and bit her. Carol heard him barking and went upstairs to check whether everything was alright, especially since he wouldn't stop. On the stairs she ran into Bunny who had a bleeding wound on her arm but she didn't care about her. When she got to our apartment and found you, she called 911 and me instantly.″

At that, the realization kicked in and suddenly everything seemed to make sense for Erin. Everything she thought had gone down, had been a friggin' nightmare, had been something her mind had created while she'd been unconsciousness. In between Bunny attacking her and her waking up in Chicago Med, she'd never gained consciousness. Her mind had gone to these places, picturing her greatest fears. Nothing of what she thought had happened, of what had felt so scarily real, had actually happened. No kidnapping, no accident, no yelling about broken promises.

″I thought...I thought,″ she stammered, her voice breaking for the millionth time today.

″I know,″ Jay simply answered. He could vividly imagine what she'd thought and the idea of what she must have been through was almost too much for him to take. She didn't deserve this. Anything of this. She deserved all the happiness in the world and yet her past had come back to haunt her once more. And once again he hadn't been home early enough to prevent all of this. Not being able to protect his family and more or less allowing Bunny to hurt Erin for a second time, was something that preyed on his mind terribly. He should've locked Bunny up when he had had the possibility to do so, not only scaring her with a stupid threat. He'd promised to protect them with everything he had, but yet, had he really done that?

″Where is she? Where is Bunny?″ Erin's faint voice broke through to him.

″We...we don't know,″ he said honestly, biting his lower lip. A long time ago they'd agreed on not lying to each other. So no lying meant no lying, regardless the situation.

″She's still out there?″ Fear was creeping up in her again and her body stiffened.

″We guess so,″ Jay nodded. Feeling her anxiety, he lay down right next to her in the small hospital bed and pulled her into his embrace. ″The team is trying to track her down. You're safe here. I'll stay with you all night, I promise,″ he mumbled into her hair and he felt her body relax against his own.

″Where's Hank?″

″He was here for a minute earlier, just after they'd brought you in. But I told him I'll take care of you and he should be out there looking for Bunny. You know, he probably knows some places where she could be that we all have no idea of,″ he explained.

″Bet he does,″ Erin answered.

″You should've seen him. He'll tear this city apart until they find her.″ Jay had never seen Hank Voight like this and he'd seen him in many different situations and many times he'd wished not to witness whatever he was doing. But this. This had been a new level because it was personal. Bunny had attacked members of his family and no one simply attacked members of Hank Voight's family and got away with it. Hank wouldn't stop before Bunny was where she belonged. He just wasn't exactly sure _where_ Bunny belonged in Hank's opinion.

″He will,″ she whispered pensively. ″In case Hank's the one to find her she's up for a trip to the silos and I'm not sure whether she'll ever make it to the station.″ Sometimes Erin had a crazy talent to speak out the exact same things he was thinking, like a invisible connection between the two of them, always sensing or even knowing what was going on in the other's mind.

″There's a likelyhood that this is going to happen,″ Jay admitted, not wanting to think about it any further as it brought him into a deep conflict. On the one hand a trip to the silos was exactly what Bunny deserved but on the other hand wasn't it the right way to handle things. Not at all. Even though he wouldn't be able to keep his self-control in line either in case he would meet the woman who'd attacked Erin and wanted to kidnap Emilia. So how should Hank, whose temper has always been a _tad_ bit more explosive than Jay's, keep his self-control?

″You should try to sleep, babe,″ Jay eventually murmured into her hair, pushing the conflict aside for the time being. He'd told Hank that he wanted to be informed in case they found Bunny, so he could decide about right and wrong then. ″And when you wake up again you'll maybe not feel like having been hit by a truck anymore,″ he smiled and brushed some strands out of her face.

″Feels more like having been hit by cruise liner anyway,″ she sighed, groaning slightly when she nestled deeper into his embrace. Jay pulled the blanket up and covered her and Emilia with it, providing them a safe cocoon as he wrapped his arm around the both of them.

″Jay,″ Erin mumbled against his chest, her voice already thick of sleep as she was drifting off. He looked down into her face, her eyelids fluttering open again, revealing her tired, exhausted eyes, hints of pain reflecting from them as well. ″Where's Crispin?″

″He's at the 21st with Mouse, no worries.″

″Is he alright?″

″Yeah, the little hero is alright,″ Jay smiled down at her. ″Now sleep Er, you need it urgently.″

″No. There's something I need to tell you first,″ she said and despite all the pain a faint smile rushed over her face. ″While I made dinner I decided that Crispin is here to stay. He's ours. He belongs to us and he more than proved that this is the right decision earlier. Don't give him to the other family tomorrow.″

″Okay,″ Jay smirked and it was the first time that he _really_ felt like smiling. ″Now sleep,″ he added and placed a long kiss on her forehead. She was out not even a minute later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _10.44pm_

The light in the trauma room was dimmed and Erin was still sleeping all snuggled up to Jay's chest, his strong arms holding her safely, when Will entered the room.

″Hey,″ he nodded towards Jay. ″We finally have a room for her upstairs and we'll transfer her as soon as possible.″

″That's good,″ Jay answered, pulling Erin even closer as she stirred a little.

″You can go home then and catch some sleep yourself. You look like you need it."

″Thank you. But I'll stay.″

″She'll sleep through the night anyway due to the painkillers and you should try to do the same,″ Will said.

″I'll stay,″ Jay insisted again. ″I promised that I won't leave her tonight and I'll sure as hell not break this promise.″

″Okay,″ Will sighed. He knew he didn't have a chance against his stubborn brother and most likely Jay would catch more sleep here, with sharing a hospital bed with her, than at home, where he would always worry about her. ″What about Emmy? Shall I pick her up somewhere?″

″Carol took her home earlier and she's staying with her tonight. But thank you,″ he answered appreciatively.

″Alright, so I'll make sure that you guys get settled soon,″ Will said and turned around. But instead of leaving the room he remained in the doorway, weighing whether he should approach his brother about something that had happened in trauma one or not since there was already enough he had to deal with.

″What's wrong?″ Jay asked.

″Uhm,″ Will stammered and spun around again. Now he had no chance anyway other than approaching him about what he'd developed. ″The name Barbara Fletcher rings a bell?″

Mentioning this name, all the muscles in Jay's body clenched. ″Yeah, why?″ he asked, holding his breath.

″Paramedics brought her in earlier and we found Erin's card in her purse while looking for her ID.″ This statement felt like a punch into the face.

″Bunny is here?!″ Jay called out, almost jumping out of the bed in the heat of the moment.

″Waaaait,″ Will frowned. ″Barbara Fletcher is Bunny a.k.a Erin's mom?!″

″Yeah,″ Jay nodded, wanting to ask _why_ Bunny was here but Will interrupted him before.

″I had no idea,″ he sighed and rubbed his temples. ″But until a couple of hours I didn't even know that her mom's a hardcore drug-addict...″

″Well, that's usually not something you hawk around with during family dinners, don't you think?″ Jay asked somewhat furious, having the urge to defend the woman who lay in his arms.

″Yeah, yeah, sorry,″ Will placated his younger brother. Things weren't about to get easier.

″I need to see her so I can cuff her and Hank can drag her ass to the district right now,″ Jay said determinedly, ready to leave Erin's side for a minute if that meant he could take care that Bunny would finally end up where she belonged.

Will shook his head and bit his lip. ″Jay, she overdosed. Blew her brain away with heroin. For whatever reason the paramedics got her heart beating again but...scans just showed that there's no brain activity anymore.″

″She's braindead?″ Jay whispered incredulously.

″Yeah she is,″ Will confirmed, inhaling another deep breath before dropping the bomb. ″And now knowing that Erin is blood-related to her, that she's relation in first degree, she would be the one to decide to take her off life-support.″ This time it felt like a punch in the gut.

″What?!″ Jay uttered shocked and gazed down into Erin's peaceful face, knowing in this moment that once the sun rose again, once those beautiful hazel eyes fluttered open again, she would get confronted with more news she didn't deserve...

* * *

 **Okay, first of all, sorry for putting you through this, I know it was kinda mean (but I'm still pretty proud of this chapter)! :D Thanks for reading it anyway! Please leave a review and let me know what you think, thanks! :)  
**


	60. A Final Goodbye

**Your reviews and feedback really always make my day, so thank you all for continuing to read this story! :)**

* * *

 **60\. A Final Goodbye**

With the sunlight making its way into the sparse hospital room of Chicago Med, Jay woke up from his slumber. Every single muscle of his body ached from the uncomfortable position in the tight hospital bed, but looking down into his fiancée's sleeping face it was all worth it. He would sleep in the most uncomfortable position forever if it meant she was comfortable, felt safe and protected. His arm was probably dead, his blood circulation not working at its best as Erin has been lying on it all night, her own arm wrapped around his torso, holding onto him almost frantically. But he anyway didn't have the slightest intention to change his current position before she would wake up and do it herself. She needed him being this close.

He placed a gentle kiss on top of her head, nestled his nose in her hair and somehow wished she would not wake up anytime soon. He had no idea how he should tell her about Bunny's condition and her being the one to literally pull the plug. It would shatter her once again. Not in a way how it would shatter other people when they had to take their parents off life-support, people who had a normal, loving relationship with their mother. But it would still shatter her, just in a different way.

This whole drama wasn't supposed to end like this. Yet, it was almost iconic how things have turned out. Erin would be the one to end the life of the woman who'd given birth to her 32 years ago but who'd never been her mother. She would end the life of the woman who'd never cared about her, who'd been the reason for her having the most miserable childhood, who'd hurt her countless times, who'd brought her to the edge of throwing her life away on many occasions. In Jay's opinion Bunny didn't deserve to die like this. She deserved to go through a cold turkey and then rot in her cell in jail for everything she did to Erin over all these years. But she'd decided to take the easy way out. Injecting as much heroin into her system that it caused a short circuit in her brain, only leaving dead cells behind.

He wished the paramedics hadn't tried to safe her life, that the CPR hadn't been successful. It would save them a lot of trouble now. It would keep Erin from going through another rough patch. A couple of months back Hank had told him that he was glad Jay was by her side, so she would manage to turn out fine from whatever life might still throw at her but Jay honestly wondered how much more one person could take. She's been through so much already and yet it didn't seem like it would change for the better anytime soon. Something was _always_ coming up. No wonder that she was scared to be happy and didn't belief in happy endings. Because so far life and fate haven't given her too many hints that she was allowed to be happy for a longer period of time, let alone that there was a real happy ending waiting for her down the road.

Erin stirred in her sleep before her eyelids slowly fluttered open and although Jay still had no idea how to approach her about Bunny, he was thankful that she was awake as it was a welcome distraction to all his thoughts about happiness and tragedy. Two things that were so far away from each other but yet so close together.

″Hey,″ Jay whispered, pressing a kiss on her forehead.

″Hey,″ she mumbled, her voice thick of sleep and she grimaced when she moved her head to give his arm free.

″How are you feeling?″

″Last night was worse but it could be better,″ she sighed and adjusted her position. ″I need to get rid of this terrible gown though.″

″Yeah,″ he chuckled slightly. ″Hank brought you a bag last night. I could help you to get changed,″ he suggested.

″That would be great,″ she smiled faintly.

Last night, after Will had told Jay about Bunny, he'd called his future father-in-law to tell him that they could stop their manhunt because Bunny was in the hospital and would not be able to harm anyone ever again. An hour after the call Hank had appeared in Erin's room, carrying a bag with change of clothes for her in his hand. He'd stayed with them for half an hour but not many words had been exchanged. They'd quickly talked about Erin's condition and about Bunny's diagnosis and about how they'd both underestimated what Bunny was capable of before they'd fallen into silence until Hank called it a day and left, though not before assuring him that he would pick up Emilia from Carol's place in the morning and bring her to Med somewhen during the forenoon. Jay'd wanted to tell him that Carol could bring her as well but he'd sensed that after all this drama, Hank needed to spend some precious time with his granddaughter, so of course he didn't argue.

Jay helped Erin to get into a pair of yoga pants and a shirt and Erin made Jay laugh when she pouted and complained that it wasn't one of his shirts. He made her laugh in return when he told her that Hank might didn't know the detail that she preferred his shirts over her own and for a short moment, reality seemed so far away.

She looked exhausted after this small amout of strain but in her casuals she definitely looked much healthier than in the white hospital gown that had made her look like a ghost together with her pale skin and the dark circles under her eyes.

″How's that head of yours doing?″ he asked worriedly when she lay back into the cusions and pressed her hand against her forehead. Truth was, the pain was throbbing awfully and definitely taking the better of her.

″Can't say it's that great,″ she admitted and closed her eyes. When Erin admitted she was _not_ doing fine, it was definitely alarming.

″I'll go and get a nurse,″ Jay said and jumped up from the edge of the bed only to almost run into a nurse in the doorway as she was about to bring Erin breakfast.

″Easy Mr Halstead,″ she laughed and made her way into the room to serve Erin her oatmeal accompanied by same painkillers.

″Sorry,″ he mumbled and followed her to Erin's bed. ″I just wanted to get someone so she can have something against the pain.″

″Already served,″ the nurse smiled and motioned her head to the two pills that lay on the tray.

She left them alone again and with the help of lots of water Erin swallowed the two pills before she managed to eat five spoonful of oatmeal.

″You should go home and take a shower, have a coffee and a real breakfast,″ Erin said tiredly. Apparently the painkillers had a sedating effect and also helped that she wasn't as scared as last night about Bunny coming back again. If only she knew.

Jay knew with the painkillers she was about to drift back to slumber soon. Which left him very little time to talk to her and tell her about Bunny. She needed to know but now didn't seem like the right moment. She was too groggy, too weary to process such news. But he couldn't withhold this information from her for too much longer and she shouldn't learn about Bunny's life depending on machines from anyone but him.

″Er, there's something I need to tell you,″ he said, gazing at his fingers that stroked up and down her arm.

″Huh?″ He looked down to her, recognizing that she was almost out. Nope, now was definitely not the right time.

″Uhm,″ he stammered. ″I'll tell you later. I go home for a quick shower and be back in two hours. Is there anything you need?″

″No,″ she answered but Jay wasn't sure whether she'd even understood him since her eyes were still closed, her lips moving slowly as she was clearly semi-conscious.

″Okay.″ He got up, leaned down to her and placed a kiss on her forehead. ″I love you,″ he whispered before he left. Two more hours of being oblivious to all the drama around them couldn't harm in her condition.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay went home to their apartment but hesitated in the doorway for a second as all he could see was how Erin had lain there yesterday evening. He hadn't been there, hadn't seen it as he'd directly rushed to Med but he could imagine it vividly. It took him some effort to push the pictures away and step into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

He quickly brewed himself a coffee and took the steaming mug first to the bedroom as he picked some fresh clothes and then to the bathroom, sipping on the black liquid before taking a well needed shower, refreshing his tired body and aching muscles with cold water first, then with hot water and finally with cold again.

Feeling a lot better when he stepped out of the shower, he dried his wet body off, slipped into a fresh pair of boxers, stripped one of his favorite shirts over his head, black with a v-neck, and poured his tepid coffee down before brushing his teeth. Afterwards he tried to get his unruly hair under control and when it looked more or less acceptable he went back into the bedroom to look for a pair of jeans and some socks. He had to grin when he stood in front of his dresser and remembered Erin's complaints about not having one of his shirts in the hospital, so he quickly grabbed the one he knew was her favorite and put it into a plastic bag along with a pair of his socks and his hoodie jacket because, yes, Erin Lindsay wore his clothes more often than she wore her own and some pieces of his wardrobe were already missing. He knew exactly where he would find them, on her side of the wardrobe or in her dresser, waiting there for her so she could wear them again on a lazy evening, day or weekend.

With the plastic bag in his hand he left the apartment again to pay Carol and his little princess a quick visit before he would go back to Erin. It was only shortly after 9am, so he guessed that Hank hasn't picked her up yet.

Carol opened the door a couple of seconds after he'd knocked and let him in, guiding him to Emilia's playmat in the middle of the room.

″Hey princess,″ Jay smiled and knelt down on the floor, getting the brightest of smiles from Emilia in return. ″How are you doing little lady?″ he asked and tickled her belly which made her squeak even more joyfully.

″You're super fine, right?″ he asked her and listened to her cutest babbling for a moment, his heart pounding in chest with pride that this perfect, little human with the bright blue eyes and hints of the most adorable dimples was his daughter.

″Do you want some breakfast, Jay?″ Carol asked from the kitchen, already placing a mug of coffee for him on the counter. ″Could offer you scrambled eggs with bacon and toast.″

″Don't go to any trouble,″ Jay winked back at the older woman. ″I wanted to pick something up on the way to the hospital.″

″Oh come on Jay, I can see when a man's hungry,″ she laughed and started to pull some eggs out of the fridge.

″Thank you Carol,″ Jay smiled at her and slightly shook his head. This woman had a heart of gold and when Bunny showing up back in April had lead to one good thing, it was that she'd brought this angel into their lives. Without Erin breaking down in front of the building and Carol finding her they might never have gotten to know her properly.

″Come on big girl,″ he said to Emilia and picked her up into his arms, placing a soft kiss on her rosy cheek. He took the mug of coffee and sat down on the table, let Emilia stand on his thighs while she explored his face with her little hands.

″How's Erin doing?″ Carol asked, the bacon frying in the pan.

″Better,″ Jay answered. ″She's still having a very strong headache and is quite groggy but she's better than last night.″

″When are they going to discharge her?″

″Not before tomorrow I think,″ Jay shrugged. Based on Erin's current condition he considered it impossible that the doctors would let her leave today already and he guessed it was better for her to stay at Med for another night.

″You need me to take care of Emmy tonight again?″ she asked, pouring the raw scrambled eggs into a pan.

″I think I'll sleep at home tonight but thank you,″ he smiled. ″Daddy-daughter night, right monster?″ he asked Emilia, grimacing a little when her hand explored his nose not exactly gently.

″That sounds like fun,″ Carol chuckled and served him his delicious breakfast a couple minutes later. He settled Emmy in his lap and started to satisfy his empty stomach, the baby always trying to grab his plate or the fork with her little hands. Not surprising, since she grabbed for everything these days, wanted to see and explore it all. Jay sensed that things were about to get funny and a lot more stressful with their little, active munchkin and soon nothing would be safe from her anymore.

″You'll get your first pulp in a couple of weeks, Emmy, but this is daddy's breakfast and he's not sharing,″ Jay laughed, enjoying and cherishing this pure moment with his little princess. Spending time with her always felt like stepping away from reality and living in a fairytale for a moment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was still sound asleep when he returned to Chicago Med, so he took the familar place right next to her bed, waiting for her to wake up, which she did about 45 minutes later.

″Did you have a good sleep?″ Jay asked her, leaning in to brush a light kiss against her lips.

″Yeah,″ she yawned, pushing a button on the remote of the bed so the back section would push her into a sitting position. ″How was the shower?″

″Incredible,″ he chuckled. ″Emmy told me to say hi. She'll check by with Hank later.″

″I can't wait,″ she smiled.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay nodded, looking down to his fingers that drew lazy circles into her palm. He had to tell her about Bunny, now was the right time. Though there never was a right time to crash her world. But now was better than two hours prior and he didn't want to postpone this any longer.

″There's something I need to tell you,″ he started, the words leaving his mouth slowly, reluctantly and he still wasn't able to look her in the eyes. ″Uhm...Bunny was found last night...and she was brought here...″ At this, he looked up to her, saw her swallowing hardly.

″Bunny is here? At Med?″ she assured herself, Jay nodding in response. ″I need to see that bitch and then I'll drag her to the silos myself.″ Determination glimmered in her eyes and something else he rarely got to see: hate.

″There's more...″ he said, inhaling deeply before telling her that a trip to the silos wasn't exactly necessary. ″She OD'd. The paramedics were able to stabilize her and they made some tests here...″ he said, chewing on his lip nervously. ″Erin she's braindead.″

″What?″ she muttered, her eyes widening.

″The machines are keeping her alive. There's no brain activity anymore,″ he explained.

″Huh,″ she breathed out, her face staying emotionless as her mind processed these news. Jay wondered what was going on inside of her right now, because if this was her only reaction, why had he been this reluctant with telling her in first place?

″Erin, it would be up to you to decide to take her off life-support. There's nothing else that can be done anymore.″

Erin looked at him incredulously. She wanted to scream, to punch someone, to throw something against a wall. Not because these news devastated her but because the woman who'd barely acted like a mother in all these years and had tried to kidnap her baby deserved so much worse than getting away like this. Simply dying was too easy.

″You know...″ she said slowly, her voice sounding like it wasn't herself talking. ″She would deserve to spend the rest of her life in jail, thinking about all the things she did. She would deserve to stare at the same walls every single day until they are closing in around her and swallow her whole. But instead she got the one thing she doesn't deserve: getting away with it by dying. When things get rough she always runs but she knew exactly that there was no way out this time so she saved herself the trouble,″ Erin said bitterly before her voice turned into a whisper. ″She would deserve to vegetate.″

″I know,″ Jay answered quietly, agreeing that Bunny had taken the cheap exit.

″She deserves to suffer but what's the good of this when she can't feel the suffering?″ she asked rhetorically, defeated, and Jay knew in this moment that she would take her off life-support because nothing else made sense, because she barely had a different choice, because there was no point in doing revenge by keeping someone alive whose brain had the consistency of mashed vegetables.

″I need to call Teddy,″ she said suddenly, her voice faint, and grabbed her cell from the bedside table.

After everything her little brother had gone through in his life, he'd needed some time off far away from everything, had skipped the hotel classes he attended early on, instead staying at a ranch for young traumatized and troubled people and kids for a couple of months before he'd gone back to school again to get a degree this time. And for a couple of months now he's been working at the very same ranch in California. This place has changed his life for the better and so it's become his vocation to help those kids, be their role-model and show them that living a different life, a better life, was always possible. Erin was beyond proud of him, of what he'd made out of these very bad circumstances but their relationship was still strained.

She hasn't had much contact with him over the last couple of years. They've traded texts occasionally, the messages mostly coming from Erin. She's always only asked whether he was alright and that he should call if he wanted to meet, that she'd even fly to California so he could show her his workplace, his new life. But Teddy had always declined and she's sensed he wasn't ready for it.

When she'd been six months along she'd told him about her pregnancy but from the message she'd gotten back, a simple _'that's great, congrats'_ , she couldn't tell whether he was excited to become an uncle or not. She'd wished him a happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas and had sent him a photo of Emilia along with a short message on the day of her birth. Once again she'd only gotten a _'congrats, she's a cutie'_ in return. They'd anyway sent him an invitation for the wedding and he'd replied and had vaguely told her that he didn't know whether he could take a couple of days off in July but that he would try. When Erin was being honest with herself, she didn't believe he would show up or put any effort in actually getting a couple of days off for their wedding.

And now, after only exchanging messages for years, after not talking to each other in a really long time, she had to call him to tell him that their mother, who he also hasen't had any contact with since she'd kicked husband number five to the curb as he'd learned his lesson once more that he was better off without her, was braindead.

The pain in her head was pounding unbearably once more when she dialed his number and pressed 'dial' and she somehow hoped that Teddy wouldn't pick up.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Teddy had picked up, possibly sensing when his big sister called him at 8.45 PDT in the morning, something has happened that required him to pick up. His voice had been as emotionless as Erin's when he talked after she'd told him about Bunny's condition and the decision of taking her off life-support. He'd nonetheless agreed on taking the next possible flight from San Francisco to Chicago for a final goodbye. He wouldn't be here before the evening and they'd stipulated that he would message her when he was boarding so she could tell Jay when to pick him up from the airport.

″I wanna see her,″ Erin said into the deafening silence of the room. After the call she'd gotten another pill against the pain and by now she felt strong enough for the trip to the ICU.

″You sure?″ Jay asked and looked up to her.

″Yeah,″ she nodded.

″Okay, I'll go and get a wheelchair.″

″Jay, I don't need a wheelchair,″ she argued.

″Erin you're not that fit yet...-″

″I don't need a wheelchair,″ she repeated her words. _God, sometimes she is too stubborn for her own good,_ Jay thought but abstained from speaking it out loud as it would only lead to a fight and that was the last thing they needed right now _._ ″You being by my side and holding my hand will do the job,″ she added quietly, conciliatory.

″You tell me when you start to feel dizzy...?″ he half questioned, half stated and reached for her hand to pull her up slowly.

″I promise,″ she nodded, threw her feet over the edge of the bed so they could get in contact with the floor. Jay helped her to get into her sneakers before she pushed herself up, Jay holding her.

″You good?″ he asked, seeing how she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment.

″Yeah, one second,″ she exhaled and then opened them again. ″Now.″

Jay slipped his fingers through Erin's and together they padded through the hallway of the hospital, took the elevator one floor upstairs and then walked along the rooms of the ICU towards room 217, the smell of disinfecting agent accompanying them.

″You sure you wanna do this?″ Jay asked when they stopped in front of the room and she inhaled some deep breaths or air.

″Yeah,″ she said. ″I wanna know how I feel about this. And I can't until I see her.″

Jay squeezed her hand a little tighter to give her the support she needed before they went inside. Bunny lay in her bed, her arms resting on the sheets and other than the bandage around her right arm that covered the wound she had thanks to Crispin, there were no signs that she was injured. A heart monitor controlled her heartbeat and a huge tube, connected to the ventilator, went down her throat. This was the machine that kept her alive and her heart beating, the machine Erin would allow the doctors to turn off in a couple of hours so it would be _over_.

Erin's thought seeing Bunny like this, weak, dying and depending on machines, would trigger anything inside of her, would loosen any feelings that were maybe glued somewhere deep down inside. But she felt absolutely nothing and she realized that no matter the situation, there were no feelings left for the woman who was her biological mother.

″You know, if she wasn't a druggie, we could donate her organs,″ she said bitterly and Jay turned his head to her to see that her lips were trembling. ″She would leave the world with doing one good thing at least. One good thing in her entire life. She would save lives instead of destroying them.″ Some single, silent tears streamed down her face. It weren't tears because she was about to lose her mother, she'd lost her mother 8 years back when cancer had taken Camille Voight away. It were tears of sheer disappointment about the kind of person Bunny, her mother by blood, had been.

″There's one good thing she did, babe,″ Jay said and this statement made her look at him, naturally. ″She was involved in creating you. She carried you inside of her for nine months and gave birth to you. Thanks to her you exist and that's something I have to thank her for. The one good thing she did lead to me having you, the best thing that has ever happened to me.″ He pulled her into his embrace and kept on holding her until her sobs faded. That was what he'd meant with her world shattering once more.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Hank and Emilia stopped by for a visit it brought some very needed and decent distraction from all the drama and since Hank seemed to be able to read their minds, that talking about Bunny wasn't the smartest of ideas, they were able to escape reality for a bit and reveled in Emilia being her cute, happy, adorable self.

″How are you holding on kiddo?″ Hank asked when they were alone for the first time as Jay has taken Emilia outside to change her diaper in the baby changing room and also ask one of the nurses whether she could heat up the milk for her since Erin wasn't allowed to breastfeed with all the painkillers in her system.

″I'm fine,″ she answered but only the look Hank was giving her made her take her answer back. ″The headaches are not the nicest things to experience but...″ she shrugged, knowing very well that this wasn't what Hank wanted to hear. So she changed her answer again, into one that was true in two ways. ″My world is spinning.″

″I know,″ Hank said and laid his hand atop hers. ″But Jay and I and everyone else are here for you and we'll do our best so it stops spinning.″

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded absently before whispering: ″Am I icecold and coldhearted, Hank?″

″What do you mean?″ Hank frowned.

″When I knew Camille would die I bawled my eyes out for days. Weeks. It hurt so much knowing that the day for a final goodbye would come soon. With Bunny, I don't feel anything but shouldn't I? If at all, I only feel hate, even now that I know she'll die. I'm not sad. I'm relieved. Relieved that it will be over and that she can never come back to hurt me or Emmy ever again. The thought of her dying should make me feel bad but to be honest, it feels like someone is lifting a weight off my chest that has been there for too long. And this is not how I should feel about the death of a person I grew up with, should I?″ she asked faintly, her voice cracking, tears looming in the corners of her hazel-green eyes.

″Erin,″ Hank said, his voice a mix between being clear and hoarse. ″After everything Bunny did in all those years you have every right to feel like this. And I also can't say that I'm exactly sad that she'll make a trip she won't come back from. So if you consider yourself icecold for the way you feel, I'm happy to join the club,″ he said honestly and squeezed her hand, this statement earning him a short, raspy chuckle.

″When there's one thing I know it is that you are one of the kindest, most affectionate people I've ever met. You have your heart in the right place and it's beating for the right people,″ Hank said softly and now Erin couldn't hold some tears back from falling. Hank reached out, cupped her cheek with his hand and got up to place a kiss on her forehead.

″I love you kiddo,″ he murmured. Hell, he could completely understand how she felt. He'd wanted to drag Bunny to a place of no-return for hurting Erin and trying to kidnap Emilia. And he wasn't sad at all that Bunny wouldn't wake up from her sleep. Erin deserved that this chapter of her life would finally be closed forever. But as much as he hated Bunny for everything she's done to Erin over the last 32 years, as much as he was disgusted by her, as much as the negative things prevailed, there was one thing he always remembered and he somehow had to thank her for. Without Bunny being that kind of worst possible mother he had never met Erin. Camille and he had never gotten the daughter they'd always prayed for. Their family would never have been complete. Bunny screwing up big during her growing-up had given them a daughter and seeing it from that perspective it had led to something beautiful.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The 8pm news were playing on the radio when Jay parked the 300 in the parking lot of O'Hare to pick up Teddy. As expected Erin hadn't been discharged during the afternoon as the doctors wanted to keep an eye on her for another night. Erin hadn't even argued, which was a sign that she must feel pretty bad. Usually nothing could keep her in the hospital and she was more the kind of person who discharged herself against the advice of the doctors.

But now, sitting in his car in the parking lot, he wished nothing more than Erin being by his side so they could welcome Teddy together, so she would tell him there was no reason for him to be nervous. Them picking up Teddy wouldn't even leave him being nervous, because they would be together, he would stay in the background, would just be her back-up. But as Erin was still in the hospital, he had to do it alone and that filled him with a tad bit of anxiety.

Meeting Teddy, who'd changed a lot and looked like a grown-up man, skin slightly tanned, blonde stubbles covering his face, turned out to be as awkward as he'd expected. A firm handshake followed by a couple of words, as in the standard question whether he had a good flight, before they walked to the car in silence. As soon as Jay put the car in drive and pulled out, leaving the airport behind, he tried to force some kind of smalltalk, getting Teddy to talk, so the around 30-minute ride into the city wouldn't be that awfully awkward all the way along.

Jay only knew him from the case centered around him a couple years back and Teddy only knew him as the cop, not as Erin's soon-to-be-husband, so finding something they could talk about was quite the challenge. He didn't want to tell him about the new house, this quite fancy place, so different from where he and Erin had grown up. And talking about Emilia wasn't an option either, as he's never been interested in his niece, so he couldn't tell him how much she's grown and how she would soon be able to sit by herself.

″So, uhm,″ Jay said and turned the radio down. ″Visiting hours in the hospital are over and Erin's probably already asleep. I mean, we could stop by for a minute if you want to see her tonight...″ he said questioningly.

″Tomorrow morning is fine,″ Teddy answered shortly.

″Okay,″ Jay nodded and that fast they fell back into silence. It seemed like Teddy wasn't interested in any kind of conversation, so Jay was kinda surprised when he was the one to keep on talking.

″When are they turning the machines off?″

″Whenever you guys say so,″ he answered. This was the topic he'd tried to avoid but at the same time this was what Teddy was here for after all, so of course he asked about it. ″So I think somewhen tomorrow.″

″Yeah, would make sense,″ Teddy said, keeping his gaze focussed on the street while pulling his cell out of his pocket to type a message.

″Uhm, did you book a hotel or should I just drop you at one downtown?″ he asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

″Didn't have the time to book one,″ he shrugged, not looking up from his phone. ″Thought I could crash with you guys for that one night.″

″Sure...you can. But I can only offer you the couch,″ Jay answered perplexedly. The last thing he'd expected was that Teddy wanted to spend the night at their apartment, going all family-like. Maybe he just wasn't keen on spending any more money while being here. Paying for two flights only because his estranged mother had decided to OD was probably already too much.

″Couch is fine, slept on worse,″ Teddy said matter-of-factly, leaving Jay with no idea how to answer.

″I just have to pick up Emmy from Hank's place and then we can head home.″

″Whatever you need to do,″ Teddy said disinterestedly and with that, they fell into silence for the remainder of the drive.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was almost 9.30 when Jay unlocked the door of their apartment. At this point he was so tired, he had no idea how he should stay awake for even another minute. Running on barely no sleep was taking its toll and he just wanted to lie down, pull the sheets over his body and let sleep overcome him. But yet, there were a few more things he had to do.

″So, this is Emilia,″ Jay said, picking his sleepy baby up from its car seat. Thanks to Hank she was at least already dressed in her pajamas and he didn't have to make her ready for the night. ″Emilia, this is your uncle Teddy.″

″Hey sweet girl,″ Teddy said and for the first time he smiled, seemed to open his heart. ″She looks like Erin.″

″She does,″ Jay nodded proudly and pressed a kiss against her head before he started to show Teddy his bed for the night and the bathroom. He gave him some towels so he could take a shower while he brought Emilia to bed and turned the couch into a more or less comfortable bed with the help of some sheets and pillows.

By the time Teddy came back into the living room, Jay was in the kitchen, pouring down a glass of water.

″You want one, too?″ he asked and when Teddy nodded he quickly filled him a glass and put it on the coffee table.

″Are you hungry? We don't have any leftovers but I could order you something,″ he suggested.

″Jay, I'm fine,″ Teddy answered and for the first time he smiled at him. It seemed like the short encounter with his niece and seeing Jay interacting with Emilia, plus recognizing that he was trying his best to make this stay as comfortable as possible for him, have made him change his behavior and he was not as distant anymore. ″Go to bed, you look like you pass out any second.″

″That pretty much sums up how I feel,″ Jay laughed and padded towards the bedroom. ″Goodnight Teddy.″

″Goodnight Jay. And...thank you.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When his alarm went off on the following morning, it felt like a bad joke. His hand reached for the bedside table and his phone disorientated until he was finally able to put it to snooze. He granted himself five more minutes before he reluctantly pushed the sheets back and sat up, rubbing his still tired eyes. Only now he heard a muffled voice from the living room, wondering why Teddy was on the phone at 7 in the morning, when all his people were in San Francisco where it was only 5am.

He slipped into a pair of sweats and a shirt and padded towards the living room but remained in the doorway when he saw the reason for the muffled voice. Teddy was sitting on the couch, Emilia in his lap, and was reading her a book and showing her pictures.

″Good morning,″ Jay said.

″Oh...uhm...good morning,″ Teddy stammered, looking like he's been caught by doing something he wasn't allowed to. ″I couldn't sleep...and about thirty minutes ago I heard her mewling...so I decided to entertain her that you can sleep a bit longer...″ he explained, his cheeks blushing a little.

Emilia had mewled and he hadn't heard it through the baby monitor? Jeez, he must've been completely out. Usually it didn't require Emilia having a meltdown for him to wake up.

″Well, thank you,″ Jay smiled. ″I guess I really needed it. You mind keeping an eye on her for another minute or two?″

″No, not at all,″ Teddy grinned.

Jay went for a quick shower to wake up completely and while Teddy was making himself ready for the day, he prepared breakfast. They later filled their stomachs in silence, only this time it was a comfortable silence, Emilia resting in Jay's arm, his one hand holding the bottle so she could have her breakfast as well, his other hand bringing his toast to his mouth. It was all about multitasking, though Emilia was already making attempts to hold her bottle herself. Not that she was already strong enough to do that, but their little Miss Independent, totally being her mother's daughter in this case, surely wanted to.

Breakfast was followed by Jay making Emmy ready and bringing her to Carol and them leaving the apartment around 8.30 for the quick drive to Chicago Med and the closer they came to the hospital, the more tense the atmosphere in the car got. Naturally, as the things that were about to follow, weren't nice at all, no matter that Bunny hasn't played an important role in Teddy's life either.

″Listen man,″ Jay breathed out when they walked towards Erin's room. ″I know your relationship with Erin hasn't been the best...but Erin went through a lot recently. And it's not that I want to lecture you how to act around her...I'm just looking out for her and I don't want her to get hurt again.″

″You're a good guy, Jay,″ Teddy said, eyeing the detective next to him. ″But no worries, it's not my intention to hurt her.″

″Good,″ Jay nodded. ″That's her room right there, I'll give you some time alone.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was zapping through various morning shows, for the first time her headaches being not as strong that she had the feeling that watching TV would do more damage, when she heard a knock on the door, followed by her brother stepping into the room a second later.

″Teddy,″ she whispered, turning the TV off and placing the remote on the bedside table, her eyes never leaving her little brother. He looked great. Healthy. Happy. And all grown-up. His arms were muscular, his skin slightly tanned thanks to the Californian sun, blonde stubble surrounding his mouth and jawline, his hair longer than when she'd last seen him two-and-a-half years ago.

″Hey,″ he smiled faintly, maybe forcedly, Erin couldn't tell, and sat down on the edge of her bed. To Erin's surprise, he pulled her into a hug. ″It's good seeing you.″

″You too,″ Erin said and smiled back at him. ″You look great.″

″You don't look too bad yourself either,″ Teddy paid her the compliment back.

″Yeah, you know, this hospital really lets me shine,″ she answered and chuckled slightly before she got pensive. ″I'm glad you came,″ she said quietly and the atmosphere in the room changed immediately, making Erin remind that this wasn't a happy family reunion.

″Uh-huh,″ he only nodded in response. ″You wanna tell me the full story how you ended up here and how mo- _she_ was involved?″

″Uhm...yeah...sure.″ She couldn't exactly say that she _wanted_ to tell him but she couldn't deny it from him either as Bunny's condition had to do with it as well. So she told him some pieces about Bunny showing up in April and then about the things that had gone down two days ago, that had lead to her having a bad concussion and that had possibly been the trigger for Bunny to OD.

″I feel like her dying is...better for all of us,″ Teddy said quietly when she'd finished, clearly shaken by what she'd told him and he covered her hand with his own.

″Yeah, I can't help but feel the same,″ she nodded.

″I'm sorry you had to go through all of this,″ he said, not daring to look her in the eyes. ″I don't know whether I could've gone through this and still be that strong and not being broken now.″

″The only reason it didn't break me is because I have the greatest back-up. He always catches me, fixes me, makes me feel better.″

″He seems like a pretty nice guy,″ Teddy agreed, hints of a smile coming back to his face.

″That's an understatement, but yeah, he is,″ Erin grinned.

″You guys make pretty cute kids. At least the one you have is freakin' adorable.″ For the first time in _forever_ his smile seemed genuinely real.

″Yeah, she's a heartbreaker,″ Erin chuckled.

″That she is,″ he nodded, turning back into being all thoughtful and Erin wished nothing more that she could read his mind or that he would open up to her a little.

″Tell me about you though. You having someone?″ she asked, testing the grounds.

″No,″ he answered and shook his head and Erin already thought this was about as much as she would get. ″I'm living for my job these days. Seeing those kids in the beginning when they arrive and seeing them in the end when they leave, how they changed, it's incredible. And knowing that I'm an important part of their journey, that thanks to my help they'll have a life again, it's the best feeling in the world,″ he said and his eyes slightly sparkled.

″I'm proud of you, you know that?″ she whispered emotionally. She couldn't even tell in words how proud she was of him. He'd gone through hell and back and still, after everything that had happened to him, he's managed to turn his life around, and furthermore did a job that reminded him of what happened to him, every day. ″And in my opinion you're even stronger than me because I don't know whether I could do _that._ ″

″Seeing those kids getting better, it's all worth it. They need role-models. But you can only be a real role-model when you went through it yourself. When you know what they're going through, when their pain is yours. There's a difference between those who are only therapists and those who have the real experience and that's what makes the difference for those kids. That's how you get through to them. They don't need a shrink. At least not only.″

"Yeah,″ Erin nodded. She couldn't believe that this man was her brother, the same man who'd a couple years back prostituted himself on the streets of NYC. ″But still, I'm proud of you Ted. Really proud.″

″Thank you,″ Teddy smiled faintly, squeezing her hand. ″And Erin, I'm also glad that I came.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The moment for the final goodbye came two hours later when Erin and Teddy and with them Jay went to see Bunny for one last time. Just like Erin the other day, Teddy didn't show any emotions when he saw his mother, didn't want to have a moment with her alone either. So when the doctor stepped in and asked whether they were ready, Erin only told him that he could turn the life-supporting machines off. He pushed some buttons and left the three of them alone and they all glanced at the heart monitor when Bunny flatlined not even a minute later, the penetrating beep resounding in the room, giving them certainty that this was it. Bunny Fletcher had left this world. And no one could say that she would be missed.

″It's over,″ Erin whispered, a single tear sliding down her cheek. ″It's really over.″

″It is,″ Jay said and let go of her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulder and pull her closer.

″It's over,″ Teddy echoed, fighting with his tears as well.

Both of them didn't shed some tears because they were sad but because it brought up a whole bunch of emotions as some of the most miserable chapters of their lives were finally closed with Bunny's death. It was over.

A doctor came in to turn the heart monitor off and with the beep becoming silent, he pronounced her dead at 11.34am on the 21st of June 2017. She'd died with her children being present. The children she'd never wanted. The children she'd almost destroyed and put through hell. The children who'd deserved so much better than her. The children who would never forget her, though in the most negative way. And still, they had been there, which was more than she's ever deserved.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin was discharged a couple of hours later after doing all the necessary paperwork that came with Bunny's death, her and Teddy agreeing that neither of them wanted a grave they had to look after and that therefore burning her and spreading her ashes was the only option left.

″Babe, you should go to bed,″ Jay said as soon as they were back in the apartment. She looked completely groggy and he sensed that her headaches were getting stronger again.

″I will. But I need to play with Emmy for a minute and then we can take a nap together,″ she said and carried the baby into the nursery, sat down on the floor with her and started to pull all the toys out of the box.

″Okay, but don't overdo it,″ he said and bent down on his knees, his hand squeezing her uptight neck gently.

″I won't,″ she smiled faintly, cupped his cheek with her palm and brushed a light kiss against her lips.

″Good. So I can go and pick up Crispin from the bullpen without having to be worried?″ Their dog has stayed with Mouse the last two nights but now it was time for a reunion of the whole family.

″Yeah,″ she nodded. ″It's about time he comes home. And make sure you buy all the treats in the world,″ she chuckled.

″Will do,″ he grinned, brushed another kiss against her lips and got up.

″Keep an eye on her,″ he said to Teddy, who was leaning in the doorway, when he walked past him.

″No worries, I will,″ the younger said and sat down on the floor, across from his sister and niece.

They played in silence for a while, only Emilia's squealing and babbling breaking through as she got all the toys from her mother and her uncle.

″Is there anything we have to deal with regarding Bunny's estate?″ Teddy somewhen asked.

″Well, apparently she owns that shabby bar in Gage Park. No idea how she's even funded that but I don't want to deal with it. I would give it to some lawyer, he organizes a foreclosure sale and the money will be used to pay back the loan she possibly had to take to buy the bar. And when there's no loan I can guarantee you that we don't wanna know where this money came from and I don't want to have it either. What about you?″

″Sounds good for me. In case there's money left after everything is transacted, which I honestly don't expect, how about we donate it to the ranch I work at?″ he asked. ″So there's at least something good coming out of it.″

″I would like that,″ Erin said.

Silence started to surround them again. They actually had so much to talk about, so much to catch up on, but it seemed like they were both not able to break through these invisible walls. So Erin concentrated on Emilia, soaked these moments with her in, talked with her in baby voices and Teddy watched them interact, gave Emmy a toy from time to time as well.

″You know,″ Teddy somewhen said, not looking at her but keeping his gaze focussed on his niece. ″I don't think I ever appreciated it enough what you did for me when I was a child. I don't think I ever thanked you for it. I know you had to...do some things, to provide me the childhood I had. I know you always tried to give me a normal childhood, one you didn't have yourself. You always tried to make the best out of a miserable situation. You put my needs above your own and crossed lines for my well-being. You were so selfless and went through so much shit and I never thanked you.″ His voice broke on the last words, tears looming in his eyes. ″So I do it now and I know it comes late, but: thank you Erin. Thank you for giving me some kind of normal childhood. Thank you for paying such a high price for my well-being.″

Erin tried to swallow the lump in her throat down but she already felt the tears falling. She sat Emilia aside, let her rest against the big breastfeeding pillow that now gave her stability when she sat on her own, and wrapped her arms around her little brother for a long hug.

″Everything for you,″ she mumbled against him. ″You were everything I had. Everything _real_ I had.″

″I hope my niece knows how blessed she is to have you as a mother,″ he said and pressed a kiss on her hair.

She lifted her head, brushed her tears away with her hand so her vision was clear. What she saw in Teddy's face brought almost all the tears back instantly. He looked at her like he hasn't since they'd been kids, when Erin had more or less been his only caregiver, when she'd been his whole world.

″Right little Miss Halstead, your mom's the best,″ he said to Emilia, tickling her belly softly and picking her up into his arms to settle her in his lap.

″Her uncle is not too bad either,″ Erin grinned when she was able to talk again.

″Yeah, your uncle is a cool dude as well,″ he laughed. ″You know, there's still a gift for you in my bag, how about we go and get that?″

He got up and left the room with her for a minute before he came back, Emilia holding a stuffed octopus in her tiny hand, Teddy having a set of stroller or car toys in his hand.

″I saw she already has some on her car seat, but maybe you can use them for the stroller,″ he said and handed them to Erin as he sat down again.

″Oh, she can't have enough toys, no worries,″ Erin chuckled and watched him for a minute, chewing on her lip while doing so. ″Do you really have to fly home tonight? Don't you want to stay for another night or two? Jay's a great cook and could make dinner tonight. You could spend more time with Emmy and we could catch up although I can't promise I'll make it past 8 tonight.″

″I think...I would like that,″ he smirked sheepishly. ″Just have to call my boss...and on that occasion. ...the invitation for the wedding still stands?″

″Always has,″ Erin smiled, her heart making a somersault.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Crispin was ecastic to be back with his family, going crazy in the most positive and most adorable way when he was reunited with them, fawning all the time, wanting to lick their faces and snuggling as close to them as possible.

Teddy stayed for two more days, getting the full dose of family vibes, and on the afternoon before they brought him to the airport, they spread Bunny's ashes into Lake Michigan in silence, no words, no tears, no gestures. He'd come to Chicago for saying a final goodbye to Bunny and it has lead to a new beginning for him and Erin...

* * *

 **Hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**

 **As I'll travel around the world for the next 3 months, I can't guarantee frequent updates as it depends on wifi-connections but I'll try my best to update whenever I have a spare minute or two! ;)**


	61. Father And Son

**Thank y'all again so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it! I hope you like this one as well :) In case you don't remember what happened between Jay and his dad (in my story - has nothing to do with how OneChicago handled this), I recommend going back to chapter 11 (Dancing In The Moonlight) because that's where he told Erin about it. Other (major) things with Jay's old man also happened in chapters 35 and 37, so maybe you want to check them again! :)**

* * *

 **61\. Father And Son**

″Are you sure you feeling up for this?″ Jay asked Erin, concern in his voice and eyes.

″Babe I'm fine,″ Erin sighed, trying not to roll her eyes at him and packed a few more things into the diaper bag. ″I just have the feeling you want me to tell you I'm not so we can stay here...″ she noticed meaningfully.

″That's not it,″ he argued.

″You sure?″ she asked back, raising an eyebrow at him. It was Sunday, his father's birthday and given the fact that she'd only been discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, she sensed that he wanted to use her condition as an excuse that they didn't have to go there. She was fine though, her condition has been improved day by day, the lump on the back of her head has formed back, her headaches were almost non-existent anymore and she would go back to work the following day, though put behind a desk for the week.

″Maybe I'd rather go to the zoo with you two,″ he shrugged, avoiding her eyes. ″But I said I'll give it a shot, so let's go.″ He picked Emilia up from her mat on the floor to settle her in the car seat, ready to leave the room like he was in a rush out of a sudden so he couldn't change his mind last minute.

″Jay,″ Erin sighed, closing the gap between them and placing her hand on his lower arm, squeezing it gently. ″You don't have to do something you don't feel comfortable with. Nobody forces you to go there.″

″No,″ he answered, shaking his head. ″I told him we'll stop by, so we will. And I've wanted to visit him for a long time anyway, so I'm not going to postpone it again just because it would be more convenient for me.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded, her eyes never leaving his face. She knew how hard this was going to be for him, going back to the place where his mother had died, where so many bad childhood memories were buried. And she had to admit, she was kind of afraid that it would reopen old sores, that it would become too much for him. When there was one thing he was absolutely sensitive about it was everything that had to do with his mother's death. ″I'm there, okay?″

″I know,″ he said, forcing a smile before leaning in to peck her lips shortly but thankfully. ″I couldn't do that without you for sure.″

″That's why you have backup,″ she smiled up to him.

″Yeah,″ he grinned back at her. She was his backup, in each and every situation. Always has been and would forever be and he couldn't help but peck her lips again because only her saying the words that've somehow been their motto from day one helped him to ignore some of the doubts he still had about visiting his dad. He knew she would be there, no matter what, facing this challenge with him together.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay parked the car in front of his former home around twenty minutes later. The drive had been mostly silent, the atmosphere chastened and tensed and Erin has rested her hand atop his on the console all the way along, stroking over his knuckles tenderly, had watched him sternly from time to time but had then focussed her gaze on the buildings they had passed.

″Here we are,″ Jay breathed out and Erin caught a short glimpse through the window to see the place where her man had grown up. It was an older house, quite big, though not as big as she'd expected after learning that Jay's father had been a big boss with the Army. But it was definitely one of the biggest and classiest in the neighborhood, big frontyard, double garage and all.

″Come on,″ Erin said and squeezed his hand before she got out of the car. After needing another moment to prepare himself for what was about to follow, he got out as well and took Emilia's car seat from behind the driver's seat while Erin let Crispin out and put him on the leash.

″You okay?″ Erin asked when she caught him staring at the house, diaper back hung over his shoulder, his grasp firmed around the car seat. Slipping her fingers through the fingers of his free hand, she squeezed his hand again because she actually knew the answer. He wasn't.

″I don't know,″ he answered quietly and swallowed hard. ″The last time I was here was the day my mom died. When the mortician's came to...you know...I left the house with them and never came back. I never wanted to come back.″

″Hey,″ Erin whispered, ever so soft, like an actual angel and her voice found its way right to his heart. ″I'm here. We're going to do this together. And whenever it gets too much for you and you wanna go, we'll go, alright?″

She's gone through so much this past week, through a rollercoaster of emotions, through hell, and still, she managed to be there for him as always, like she hadn't recently been attacked by her own mother and had then had to take her off life-support. But of course she was there for him. This was who she was. Not matter how hard life was shaking her, she never stopped to care about the people she loved. She was so much stronger than he would ever be.

″Alright,″ he nodded, giving her a thankful smile, not one of his trademark Halstead smiles but one that didn't quite reach his eyes, and like that they made their way to the front door as a family of four, loaded with a fully packed diaper bag and a basket full of toys and other baby stuff that would keep their little one and the dog entertained.

Before Jay knocked on the big wooden front door, he inhaled another deep breath, preparing himself for stepping into the house where so many memories were hidden, ready to pop up from behind the couch or jump out of some cupboard, knocking him over with full force.

Robert Halstead smiled like a kid in candy store when he opened the door to welcome Erin, Jay and Emilia, his eyes widening in surprise when he saw the dog that accompanied them. The first thing Erin recognized was how good he looked compared to when she'd last seen him in December, leaning onto the wall in front of their apartment almost lifelessly. There was a healthy color on his face, he wasn't as thin and pinched anymore, his eyes wide awake instead of tired and defeated, his grey hair growing back much fuller.

″Erin,″ he said and she let go of Jay's hand to shake Robert's. ″Nice to meet you under different circumstances.″

″Yeah. Nice to see you're doing fine,″ Erin smiled. ″And happy birthday!″

″Jay,″ he then nodded to his son and reached out for a firm handshake as well, Jay telling him happy birthday in return.

″And I guess you must be Emilia,″ he smiled and leaned down, Emilia eyeing him skeptically. No famous smiles for grandpa Halstead so far.

″Yeah, that would be our little Miss Emmy,″ Erin said proudly.

″Nice to meet you little girl,″ he said, stroking over her hand before lifting his head, his brown eyes sparkling with emotions behind his glasses. ″I'm glad you came,″ he added, ″but come on in. Will, Natalie and Owen are already here.″

He left his spot in the doorway so they could follow him inside. Erin saw Jay swallowing nervously, being hesitant to set foot into the house. Gently, her hand found its spot on his back, rubbing soothing circles onto it. Nonverbal communication that she was there, had his back.

Reluctantly, Jay stepped into house that once had been his home, realizing in the moment he passed the threshold, Erin's hand still guiding him, her soft touch giving him comfort, that what Hank had told him on Erin's birthday, also applied to him. With her by his side he could master all the challenges life threw at him. He was strong thanks to her and she was strong thanks to him. They were like puzzle pieces that completed each other, that needed each othe and one was strong when the other was weak and vice versa.

″Everything good?″ she whispered, only for him to hear.

″Yeah,″ he nodded though he wasn't sure. The hall still looked exactly the same and lots of memories flooded him. Like when he'd walked in here after school, being the victim of bullying all day but having no one he could talk to since he didn't want to bother his mother, wanted to protect her from the things he had to go through, and since he couldn't tell his father either as he would call him a wimp and ask him whether he would ever be a man and stand up for himself.

″Come on, we're out on the patio, taking advantage of this incredible weather,″ Robert waved from the living room, interrupting his thoughts.

Erin's hand gave him the slightest of pushes and they followed him but when Jay caught a glimpse in the kitchen many more memories came up as this room also looked exactly like it had been back in the days, when his dad was out of town for his job and his mother waited with freshly cooked food or the most amazing cinnamon rolls, when his grandfather would pay them a visit and prepare his famous dish in the kitchen, grilled fish with baked potatoes. Those had been the days when he was happy. The days when his father had been on the other side of the country or even the world, far away from his family.

″Jay?″ she asked worriedly and only now he recognized that he's stopped in his tracks, gazing at the kitchen with empty eyes, the pictures flashing in front of them. For a moment it all seemed too real.

″Uhm...it's just...this kitchen was like a safe place. I would always find my mom in there. Sometimes Will and I helped her cooking. Around Christmas we baked together. When we got older, she still waited with the best food for us in the evening, making sure we ate enough to outgrow her even more,″ he smiled sadly and forced himself turn his eyes away.

″I wish I could've met her,″ Erin whispered, her heart aching for the man she loved and who looked so broken right now. Seeing him like this was the worst and she just wanted to pull him in a hug and never let him go.

″Me too,″ he nodded. ″She would've loved you, that I know.″ A sheepish smile tugged in the corners of his mouth.

Erin's cheeks blushed a little and a faint grin spread across her face. They walked into the big, open, living and dining room and much to Jay's surprise, his father has changed this room completely and nothing looked like it had a couple of years back and everything was quite modern. Which he was very grateful for since his mother's hospital bed had not been upstairs but in this exact room and she'd taken her last breaths here. So the memories that broke through him in this room, the one he'd feared most, weren't as bad as he'd imagined. Though still painful enough that his chest tightened.

″Doggiiiiieeeee,″ Owen came running into the living room and the toddler's ecstatic voice was able to interrupt his mind going to dark places.

″Hey buddy, how are you doing?″ Erin asked and got down on her knees to unleash Crispin, Owen already hanging on his neck, burrying his face in his fur.

″I so knew you guys would keep him,″ Will laughed, leaning in the doorway to the patio casually.

″You know this means that Owen will bug me about getting one once he's old enough to ask for one, right?″ Natalie grinned.

″You should totally get one. This dude is great,″ Jay smiled, exchanging glances with Erin because Crispin was the greatest dog in many ways.

After a quick hello they all went out on the big patio and Erin's eyes instantly fell on the pool by the end of the garden. This was what she'd expected when imagining Jay's childhood home. All fancy, with a big backyard and a pool. Jay's eyes also fell on the pool, but for different reasons as there was an impovised fence around it.

″I thought...to make it safe. Otherwise it's too dangerous for the kids, especially Owen when he's running around,″ Robert explained, his gaze following his son's. ″But there's a kiddie pool for them,″ he said and pointed to the colorful kiddie pool, protected by a sunshade, a couple toys swimming on the water.

For a short moment, Jay was speechless. He'd definitely not expected his father to act this forward-thinking. His mother would be someone to do this, he himself would do this, but his father? That was honestly surprising since he usually didn't care much about others.

″That's...great,″ he said perplexedly, giving his father the hint of a real smile.

″I thought they would like that, especially with this crazy warm weather,″ he smiled back.

″Yeah, Emmy's a water lover anyway,″ Jay said, put the car seat down on the floor and scooped Emmy up into his arms. ″Right princess? Water's your element.″

″Uhm...may...may I?″ he asked quietly. For a short moment Jay froze. He'd always told himself that his father would never be a grandfather-figure in Emilia's life. But he's made quite the effort with the kiddie pool and all and telling him no now, they could also easily pack their things and leave again as the afternoon would be ruined and everything would be even more tensed and awkward.

″Yeah...sure,″ he nodded and handed him the baby, though still somewhat reluctantly. He couldn't help but somehow hope Emilia would start to cry but she didn't do him the favor.

″Hey Emilia. How are you doing today?″ Robert asked beamingly and rocked her a little before he took the one step down into the garden and showed her the kiddie pool and the toys.

Erin came up behind Jay, nestled her head against his arm until he wrapped it around her shoulder, her arm sneaking around his waist as they watched Robert interacting with his grandchild for the first time.

″How's that?″ she murmured, looking up to him.

″I think...I'm okay with it,″ he breathed out, kissing the top of her head, the tension slowly leaving him.

Owen and Crispin joined Robert and Emilia at the pool, and for a moment Jay thought Crispin would jump in any second but thankfully their dog abstained from showing off that he could indeed be crazy and the only thing he did was stealing one of the rubber ducks that were swimming on the water. Robert was holding Emilia so she could dip her hands in and splash the water while Owen climbed over the edge and waded through the water, falling onto his butt when he tried to bend down to grab one of the toys. And when everyone laughed about it wholeheartedly it was the first time in forever that Jay felt like laughing in this house, too.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They all settled on the patio a little later, eating apple pie and drinking iced coffee, Emilia sucking on her bottle and Owen spreading his chocolate ice cream over his whole face and clothes by trying to eat it on his own. The conversation on the table mostly included Erin, Jay, Will and Natalie, sharing stories about their kids, while Robert was the silent listener, following the stories of his sons and their partners attentively.

The afternoon turned out to be not as bad and painful as Jay'd expected, but he mostly distracted himself with taking care of Emilia in the kiddie pool or lying down right next to her on her blanket on the grass to play with her and Crispin and Owen, somehow trying to avoid a real conversation with his father. A conversation that was in the air and needed to be made at some point. But at least he was here. A year ago this had been an unthinkable scenario.

Eventually, Emilia wasn't interested in her toys anymore, not even in Crispin, and she instead started to get grumpier by the minute and it soon turned into a loud screaming, a definite sign that she was super tired and needed to sleep.

″Ssshhh Emmy,″ Jay soothed and picked her up, walked with her through the garden and up to the patio, rocking her gently. ″You're tired right?″

″I...uh...I have a room for her upstairs. A children's room. There's a travel bed where she could sleep in case she needs a quiet place,″ Robert said sheepishly, obviously also being uncertain how to act around his son.

″You have?″ Jay asked, not hiding the surprise in his voice.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded, smiling a little. ″It's Will's old room. I can show you...″ he suggested.

″Uhm,″ Jay stammered and in the corners of his eyes he saw how Erin imperceptibly nodded her head and her lips formed the word _go._ ″Yeah, I think a bed would be best for her.″

″Okay, come on,″ the old Halstead said and got up from his chair to guide Jay inside.

″You've got her?″ Erin asked when Jay walked past her and he immediately knew that she didn't mean whether he was able to bring Emilia to bed but rather whether he needed her to join him so he wasn't alone with his father.

″I've got her,″ he nodded, giving her a short smile and followed his father inside and upstairs to the second room on the left, Will's old bedroom, right across from his old bedroom. His father opened the door and for the second time this afternoon, Jay couldn't believe his eyes. This room was a paradise for little kids, with a carpeted floor and Simba, Nalah, Timon, Pumba and Zazou covering the walls and with all the toys a toddler could dream of, including a small plastic slide, a little ball pit, a Bobbycar and a play tent with tunnel.

″Wow,″ Jay exclaimed, still rubbing soothing circles onto Emilia's back. She slowly drifted into a slumber, her drool leaving a wet spot on his shirt.

″When Will told me he has a girlfriend with a one-year-old son I decided to use one of the spare bedrooms as a children's room, so there's a place where he can play in case they visit me,″ Robert explained. ″And of course I've always hoped it could be a room for my granddaughter as well,″ he said quietly, almost like he was embarrassed to speak it out loud. ″That's actually for her,″ he added and pointed to a more than 39 inch big teddy bear with a plaid bow around its neck, sitting in the corner of the room.

″Well, that is one big teddy bear,″ Jay chuckled slightly and made his way to the crib to tuck Emilia in.

″I know. I always wanted to bring it but I never knew whether you want to see me so I...I kept it here, hoping that one day I could give it to her,″ Robert said and Jay only nodded his head in response, not knowing how and what to answer. He didn't have to anyway.

″Listen Jay,″ his father continued, his voice so unknownly soft. ″There's nothing I'm more ashamed of than how I treated my wife and my kids. I was a lousy father, I know that. I never deserved to call myself a father and I'm sorry for all the things I did. But I'm trying to be the best possible grandfather, maybe being able to somehow make up for how I failed as a father. And I know we have a long way to go but I just wanted to thank you for coming over today and for giving me the opportunity to meet my granddaughter. I don't take this for granted and I appreciate it very much,″ he finished his little speech, tears sparkling in his eyes, vulnerability displaying that Jay didn't know from him.

Even he had to swallow hard. This was such a new side, one he didn't know too well although he'd already seen this new side back in December when he showed up for the first time in years and in January after he saved his life. Honesty. Gratitude. Empathy. Regret. All the characteristics he hadn't had before. One could almost think he was a complete new person now.

″You're...you're doing quite a good job as a grandfather so far,″ Jay admitted, these words taking him quite some overcoming. But they were true. Robert Halstead was really trying and the efforts he's taken were impressing, he had to give him that. And maybe this could be a new beginning for them. Step by step. He just needed to allow it. Needed to leave the past behind and give him a fair chance. If only that was so easy.

″I hope I do. I want to make this right,″ Robert said thoughtfully, looking down to his sleeping granddaughter. ″You can be so proud of her. She's adorable, Jay."

"She is and you bet I am," Jay said, smiling faintly. Talking about Emilia or Erin was always easier than addressing the issues they had due to their past.

"Besides of her eyes she looks a lot like Erin, doesn't she?″

″Thank God she does, yeah,″ he grinned. ″Her smile's the perfect mix, her eyes are mine, though even bluer, and other than that she's all Erin.″

″Erin is a beautiful woman,″ he smiled.

 _Hell yes she is._ ″Inside and out,″ Jay nodded, a proud smile spreading over his lips. Sometimes he still couldn't believe how blessed he was that Erin was the woman on his side.

″Come on, let's go downstairs again. Or you rather wanna stay with her?″ Robert asked before they could run out of topics and would fall into an awkward silence.

″Naah, I'm coming,″ Jay answered, stroked over Emilia's cheek and then followed his father downstairs and back to the patio.

″Everything okay?″ Erin whispered as soon as he sat down right next to her, her hand finding its spot on his thigh, right above his knee, stroking it gently.

″Yeah, I'm good,″ Jay said and for the first time this afternoon the answer to the question about his well-being didn't come reluctantly or unsurely but was rather all honest.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The afternoon meandered along, Robert now being more actively involved in the conversations. Jay and Erin talked about their new house, Will and Natalie about their plans of moving in together and somewhen Natalie went inside as she's brought finger food for dinner that only needed to be dressed now, Erin giving her a hand, leaving the three Halstead men alone on the patio for a minute.

″So uhm, Jay,″ Robert said as soon as the two women were out of earshot, looking from Jay to Will and back to Jay. His father seemed to be a bit nervous and Jay wondered what he wanted to talk about that made him suddenly this uneasy. Especially after this whole afternoon has gone smoother than expected.

″Come on dad, tell him,″ Will encouraged him almost excitedly and the questionmarks on Jay's face even grew.

″So...I decided that I want to live healthier, use the bike more, walk more, all that stuff. Make the best out of the extra time I've been given thanks to you. That means I don't need my cars anymore or only a small one to buy beverages, flower soil, things for the garden...″ he said.

″Okaaaayy, that's...great,″ Jay frowned, still trying to figure out where this conversation was going and what it had to do with him.

″I offered one of the cars to Will-″

″Took the roadster,″ Will interrupted his father laughingly.

″'Course you did,″ Jay chuckled. They both loved fast cars, that was something they had in common. But he hadn't known that his father owned a roadster and apparently a second car as well. He must've bought them within the last couple of years back in the days when he'd had to make a statement by showing off what he had.

″And I wanted to offer you the other one,″ Robert finally breathed out and Jay turned his head to his father instantly, looking at him askingly as if he wanted to make sure he's heard right, the smile from joking with Will falling from his face.

″What?″

″I want to give you my car. As a gift,″ Robert explained, his voice still showing hints of nervousness. ″It's an Audi Q5, Daytona Grey, three years old. All the extras. And quite a big trunk. Everything is surely a bit tight in your current car with stroller, dog and all the other stuff...so the Audi would be perfect for you.″

″Uhm,″ Jay stumbled perplexedly. His father was right. It was quite a struggle to fit everything into Erin's current car and the 300 wasn't convenient for a dog either. The other day they'd indeed talked about needing to swap Erin's car for a bigger one but with the wedding in less than five weeks and the renovations in the house they couldn't go car shopping, too. One thing after the other.

″I can't take this,″ he breathed out. After everything that had happened between him and his father he couldn't simply take such a gift. He didn't even want this. Not as a gift and definitely not from him though it was one of his favorite cars. One he could never afford with all the other obligations they had.

″Jay,″ his father said but he interrupted him, anger rising inside of him out of nowhere.

″Look, if you want to make up for something, this is not the right way!″ he snapped, shaking his head in disbelief. Everything they've built up today seemed to fall apart in this moment.

"I don't want to make up for something. Because I know there's no way I _can_ make up for this. I don't need the car anymore and I don't need the money I get from the sale. But you guys could need such a car. So it's a gift," Robert said, still being all calm despite his son looking at him furiously.

"You can't buy me!" he spat. This was what Jay thought it was all about, as always assuming the worst. This was why he was seething with rage inwardly. That his father wanted to buy him by giving him such an expensive car, so he felt obligated to stay in his father's life. Everything, all the feelings that were still bottled-up inside of him were suddenly on the edge of bursting out.

"I don't want to buy you Jay," he argued.

"So there'll never come a time: _but Jay, I gave you the car, so you owe me_?" he asked, a sardonic laughter escaping from his lips.

Something in Robert's face dropped by this question. "Why would you think that?"

"Why would I think that?" Jay echoed, adding sarcastically: "Tough question, really."

In this moment he realized that they still had so many things to fix and right now they were as far away from fixing things as they'd been in December. Maybe some things were really too broken to get fixed no matter how hard they tried. And maybe all of this has just been one damn bad idea.

"Jay, stop being a jagoff!" Will called, his voice seldomly harsh. "How about you let him finish before you totally freak out, huh? Man," he sighed.

"Look," his father said quietly. "I thought you could use it. There was never an ulterior motive. And you don't owe me anything, Jay. You never did and you never will. I am the one who owes you the world because you saved my life. I would've been dead in February without you. Thanks to you I have the chance to become a better person. Thanks to you I'm here today. And I am truly thankful for what you did because I know you didn't have to. If you don't want to take it as a gift, take it as a thank you. If you don't want to take it as a thank you, give me 500$ and it's yours. If you don't want to take it all, let's forget about this conversation because I hate the thought that we return to square one," he said, his facial expressions defeated and broken.

There it was again, this brutal honesty and vulnerability in his father's voice that he's never heard before December 2016, that made his anger grow, but for different reasons. Why could his father not still be the same asshole he'd been during his growing-up? It would make things so much easier for him and he could simply go on with hating him, with cancelling him from his life. Why did his father have to be the one trying so hard to make things right that he himself instead looked like the greatest, most stubborn asshole in history by not giving him a real chance and by always scrutinizing his actions? Only because he was now in a position where he could yell at his father when it had been vice versa for so many years? Was he really that kind of person to do revenge, to turn the tables and to do such a low payback? And why could he still not stop accusing his father of things after seeing that he was trying his best?

The answer to those questions was simple: whenever something involved his father and the past they had, he could barely control himself, neither could he control the words that left his mouth, turned all hotheaded, his temper and anger always taking the better of him. And he wasn't sure whether this would ever change, whether he would be able to look past all the things that happened all those years ago and accept his father as the new person he was. Acceptance. That was it. The magic word.

 _Sometimes it's for giving someone a second chance so they can prove they've changed_. This was what Erin had told him a couple months back when they'd talked about second chances and the people who deserved one, she making her point clear that she believed in second chances. By visiting today he's given his father not a full second chance but a small one and he couldn't say that he was screwing up. It was more the opposite. Robert Halstead was doing everything right and this exactly was the problem, the crunchpoint. That he was suddenly this new person. A person he _couldn't_ hate anymore. A person he would usually _appreciate_ because he was this nice old grandfather with the glasses, the happy smile and not to forget the sparkling eyes when he held his grandkids in his arms. Today his father has proved that he's changed and now it was on him to give him credit for it by finally giving him a real chance, not only a half-hearted one. If only he could turn all his bottled-up feelings towards his old man off like a light.

Hell, not even a week ago he'd told Erin that _Bunny_ , one of the worst people he's ever met, did one good thing in her life, having Erin, and that he had to appreciate it because without Bunny giving birth to Erin his life would be completely different. And now his father, who'd been a bad person in a different way for so many years, was really finally doing good things and he still couldn't appreciate all these efforts without these feelings coming up that shot those efforts down.

Erin.

For a moment he wondered what she would tell him if she was the one sitting next to him instead of Will and he couldn't help but think that she would react pretty similar as Will had, telling him he was acting like an idiot. She didn't call him that in all seriousness often, but when she had, it had always been true, and idiot had always been the correct word to describe his behavior. And it had always helped him to overthink his actions, his words, his behavior, realizing that she was right. Though Erin wasn't sitting next to him right now and hadn't called him that fitting description of his character, and only from thinking about her possible reaction, he realized that also today idiot would describe him perfectly, would even be too nice in this case.

And if he was being brutally honest with himself, deep down inside he knew this was on him. His father couldn't do anything else but trying as hard as he could and that was what he was doing. Now it was on him to try as hard as he could to give him that chance. The chance that he deserved. This whole dilemma was almost like an obstacle course and he just needed to overcome the last obstacle now. Unfortunately it was the highest and most difficult one by far and the chances to fail were huge, putting him back to square one in case he couldn't get over it.

″I'm sorry,″ he murmured ever so quiet and he lifted his head to meet his father's gaze. ″I'm sorry, dad. You didn't give me any reason to lose it like that and I acted like an idiot. I'm sorry.″

″It's okay. I deserve this,″ Robert said.

″No you don't,″ Jay argued, shaking his head. ″You're trying so hard to make things right. I see that. And I'm still trying to find something, _anything_ , that allows me to be mad at you. At this new you. Because I'm still mad at you for the person you were once. When nothing I did was right, when you were a heartless asshole. But that's not who you are anymore and that's something that I have to accept, to learn to accept. I see you with my daughter and wonder why you could never have been that loving to me. I see you talking with Erin and wonder why you could never have talked like this with mom,″ he said, taking a deep breath, his voice cracking a little. ″Everything you do, I see the old you and the new you. And the old you is someone I hate, someone I don't want to have anything to do with. But the new you is someone I...appreciate. Someone I could imagine...being a part of my life. And someone I want to leave our past and everything behind for to start all over...″

For a moment it was dead silent and Jay didn't think he's ever heard a silence so deafening. He wasn't sure whether Will was even breathing at this point because there was absolutely no noise coming from the place right next to him and he couldn't look at him either because his gaze was focussed on the man across him. At first he only saw plain shock, then the tears started to flow.

He got up from his chair, walked towards his father, who got up as well and fell into an embrace with his son. The first one in forever. It felt good. Right. And like a new beginning between father and son. For sure there would still be bumps down the road but they could work on that now, reconcile step by step with an open mind, especially on Jay's side.

And when they ended their hug, Robert whispering thank you, tears sparkling in his eyes, they still didn't recognize Erin standing behind the window, tears looming in her own eyes. She'd paced towards the patio when she heard Jay's rising voice and had been there just in time to see one of the most touching scenes she's ever witnessed. Little did she know how much she had to do with it.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Thank you for today,″ Jay said later in the evening when they put all their stuff in the car, inclusive Emilia's new giant teddy bear that would find a place in her new room.

″Uhm...I didn't do much,″ Erin frowned.

″You did,″ he smiled. ″First of all you were there and second of all...I don't know, all the conversations we've had about him since December helped to accept that he's a different person and finally give him that chance. So it's a beginning I think.″

″Don't play this down, Jay. This is great and much more than a beginning.″

″I guess I finally figured out what the problem was...″ he said meaningfully and closed the trunk, wrapping his arms loosely around Erin, her fingers tapping against his chest.

″Yeah?″ she asked. ″Now I'm curious.″

″I'll tell you. But let's get home first.″ He pecked her lips shortly, though he definitely wanted to kiss her all passionate, just not in front of his father's house out on the street. ″I'll go and get the princess and the prince,″ he grinned.

While Erin took her favorite spot on the driver's seat - they've settled on a fifty fifty when it came to driving, at least regarding their private life, work was still ninetynine to one - Jay went back inside to get Emilia and Crispin.

″You guys have everything?″ Robert asked.

″Yeah, I think so. If not you can call and Erin or I can pick it up after work.″

″Will do that,″ he nodded. ″You sure you don't want to take the Audi with you today already?″

The Audi. Their new car. After everything had settled he talked to Erin about it, asking whether they could possibly take such a gift. The glow in her eyes had been unreal when he'd told her about the kind of car his father wanted to give them but she'd still told him that this was a decision only he could make because he was the once who had to feel comfortable with it and that it was indeed a huge gift. Eventually Jay'd decided to take it. After all it was still a little dream coming true to own such a car.

″Naah, use it for grocery and beverage shopping until you have your small car and tell us when we can come and get it,″ Jay answered, making his way to the door.

″I think I'll pick the new car up within this week, so maybe next weekend?″

″Yeah, sure.″

″See you then I guess,″ Robert smiled. ″And you, too,″ he said and leaned down to pet Crispin. ″And you of course little lady,″ he said to Emilia, squeezing her foot.

″See you, dad,″ Jay waved. ″Take care.″

With these words he went down the steps from the porch and made his way to the car on the other side of the street. He settled Emilia's car seat in the back, let Crispin hop in as well and took his well known seat, riding shotgun.

Erin was pulling out on the street, Robert waving them from his neat frontyard when Jay suddenly said: ″Can you just stop for a minute?″

″Sure,″ Erin frowned and slowed the car down. Before she could ask what this was about, he already unbuckled his seatbelt and literally jumped out of the car. She watched him walking towards his father, they exchanged a few words and much to her surprise, their short conversation ended in a hug.

″What was that?″ Erin laughed in confusion when he jumped back in.

He turned his head to her, grinning sheepishly. ″I asked him whether he's anything planned for 29 July...″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The first days of July passed, the wedding coming closer day by day, their very much anticipated honeymoon being within reach as well. Erin still had no clue where they would go, Jay keeping this is a secret from her no matter how hard she was trying to get him talking. In fact, it didn't matter where they would go. She looked forward to their honeymoon, to their time as just the two of them for a week regardless the destination. Even if they just went to the other side of Lake Michigan they would have the best time ever. But still, she was curious and just wanted to know and she hated nothing more than that Jay could tease her about it whenever he felt to do so. Which was quite often.

″Erin,″ Platt called from her front desk when she was on her way out of the district, interrupting her constant thoughts about the wedding and the honeymoon and the weekend getaway a week before the wedding Kim and the girls have planned while Mouse has planned a guys-weekend for Jay. All she knew about the weekend getaway was...well, that it existed. But that was about it. Everyone around them had way too many secrets for her liking these days and she always had the feeling that they were all talking behind her back.

″Where are you going?″ she asked.

″Home,″ Erin smiled.

″Aren't you still on the clock?″ Platt frowned, checking her watch. It was only 12.33pm, so if at all it was only lunch time.

″Not much going on there today so I decided to check out early and make Emmy her first pulp,″ Erin explained. The boys could very well finish their paperwork alone after wrapping their case last night, no need for her to be there as well.

″Well, that sounds like some real adventure,″ she said in typical Platt-manner, sardonic as always.

″Yeah, I'm afraid it will be an adventure,″ Erin chuckled. Not only making a parsnips pulp would be an adventure, but feeding it to Emmy would for sure be just as challenging.

″Be prepared for her spitting it all over you. And if she does, don't forget to take a photo because I'd die to see that,″ she grinned.

 _You wish_. ″Totally. Shall I print it out and frame it so you can put it on some wall around here?″ Erin sassed back. She knew very well that she was about the only person to talk to Trudy like this.

″Something like that,″ Platt nodded deadpan, before she leaned down, her voice turning into a whisper and suddenly she was all serious. ″Gotta ask you something here.″

″Go ahead,″ Erin frowned, confused by the sudden change.

″Is Hank sick or something?″

″Uhm...not that I know of. Why?″ she asked nervously.

″Because he just handed in a request for a one week furlough. One week. One _whole_ week. He hasn't done that in forever. Always took a day or two but that was it. So one week is definitely not good,″ Platt said, trying to keep her voice low to avoid any rumours but Erin could hear and see that she was honestly concerned. Fortunately there wasn't any reason and Erin relaxed instantly.

″Trudy, he's fine, believe me,″ she grinned, placing her hand on her arm, knowing exactly why Hank was going to take furlough. ″It's the week after our wedding, isn't it?″

″July 31 to August 7,″ she confirmed. ″How does that change things?″

″Jay and I will leave for our honeymoon on August 1 and come back the week after. Emmy will stay with Hank...″ she explained meaningfully.

″Ooooh,″ Platt exhaled, getting the message. ″You're not taking her with you?″

″Uhm, no,″ Erin grinned and shook her head. After weighing their options over and over again they'd somewhen finally decided to go to the surprise destination as just the two of them, especially after not having many intimate moments or generally time as just the two of them in months. ″We're going on our honeymoon and figured it would be more of a honeymoon as just the two-″

″Oh, say no more,″ she interrupted her, grimacing by the inevitable thoughts that crossed her mind.

″Alright,″ Erin smirked mischievously, knowing _exactly_ which pictures she's just planted in Platt's head. ″Have a nice day Sarge,″ she winked jauntily before leaving the district to start this new adventure of giving Emilia her first solid food. More proof to add to the long list of evidence that their baby girl was growing up like a crazy.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay came home early that evening. No new case meant he'd been allowed to leave the district before 6 and could finally spend a long evening with his family again. Finding a balance in between working and having enough time with Emilia and also spending time with just Erin was a real struggle and he always had the feeling that he wasn't home often enough, was missing out on something. If him and Erin didn't have the same job, they sometimes wouldn't really see each other in days, except in the mornings before he left or late at night when he could only press a kiss to her forehead and inhale her sweet scent of raspberry and vanilla. So the rare times he was allowed to leave early were very appreciated. And very needed.

″Hey bug,″ he greeted his daughter when he walked into the nursery, Emilia sitting on her mat, Crispin being her 'pillow' she could lean on, exploring a plastic giraffe, a special teething toy, with her mouth. She wasn't teething _yet_ but Jay sensed this fun adventure was just around the corner by now as babies usually started to teeth between four and seven month old and being a little over five she was basically in between.

″How's it going down there?″ he asked and sat down on the floor, his fingers finding her belly and she squealed when he tickled her. ″And where's mommy? Huh, Crispin, where's Erin? Did you eat her?″ he chuckled, petting the dog's head. Him and Emmy really were an inseperable duo and it was simply the cutest thing to witness the bond they shared.

″Come on Emmy, let's look for mommy, what do you think?″ he asked and picked her up in his arms, kissing her cheek. ″I missed you today, princess,″ he whispered against her soft skin. And as if she wanted to tell him that she'd missed him as well, she dropped the giraffe and grabbed for his face with her wet, in drool covered hand. Not that he would mind anyway. She'd peed at him and she'd vomitted at him multiple times, so her wet hand wasn't that big of a deal.

″How about we dry those little hands of yours, huh?″ he asked her, grabbed a cloth that hung over the crib and cleaned her hands while walking to the living room, Erin stepping into the room from the direction of the bedroom in the same second.

″There she is,″ Jay smirked.

″Hey you,″ she smirked back and closed the gap, pressing a kiss against his lips.

″Hey,″ he murmured.

″You're home early,″ she grinned.

″Is that a problem?″ he joked, raising his eyebrows playfully.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded eagerly. ″Had to hide my affair in the wardrobe.″

″Too bad for him, huh? Hope he's comfy in there,″ Jay chuckled, kissed her lips again and then let himself fall into the cushions of the couch, Erin doing the same.

″Bet he is,″ she laughed, her fingers finding his neck, tickling along the hairline while Jay let Emilia stand on his thigh, holding her under her arms, her little hands finding his face once more.

″Uh-huh,″ he grinned. ″But let's talk about the important things: how was the pulp?″

″Well,″ Erin sighed dramatically. ″One could say it was a disaster,″ she chuckled.

″What happened?″ Jay laughed, imagining various hilarious scenarios, sensing that at least one of them might had happened.

″She sat in her high chair like a queen and she took the first spoon like a pro and I guess that was the point when I cheered too soon,″ she laughed raspily. ″You should've seen her face afterwards, when she gulped it down. Given the grimace I don't think she liked it very much and after that she refused it. So in the end most of it was all over her table and all over her face and bib and hands and all over the floor. But at least Crispin liked it. Took care of the stuff on the floor.″

″Not so much into parsnips, huh princess?″ Jay chuckled.

″Well, she has to take it, right sweetie?″ she asked and stroked Emmy's head. ″You'll get the same tomorrow again. And maybe by next week we can try carrot.″

″Doesn't that sound delicious?″ Jay asked his daughter, lifting her up, not all the way over his head but just far enough that she squeeked happily.

They stayed in the living room a little while longer, enjoying this rare family time on a weekday, before Jay went to the bathroom to take a bath with his daughter. This was still their evening routine, Jay taking a bath with her in case he was home at a decent time, enjoy this rare father-daughter-time. And while it had mostly been Emilia snuggling on his chest or floating on his arms in the first couple of months, it's been all about rubber ducks and splashing the water for a couple of weeks now but it didn't matter to Jay how he spent time with his daughter. He was thankful for the days he could spend time with her at all and he loved watching her explore the world more and more. Plus, they always snuggled afterwards, when he read her a story for the night so she could fall asleep on his chest or in his arms. Except of today as they had different plans.

After finishing their bath, Erin dressed Emmy in her pajamas already while Jay slipped into a shirt and a pair of shorts as well, so they could end their day with a stroll along the lake. The evenings, when the sun went down were the best time for strolls in summer as the humidity slowly decreased, a soft wind breezing and Emmy always fell asleep so much better when they were outside. This was the only thing Erin would miss as soon as they lived in Beverly. Their strolls along the lake as Beverly wasn't as close to the lakefront as their apartment was. Of course they could easily take the car and drive here and then take their stroll but they would probably stay in the Beverly area and the parks around there most times.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay had his arm wrapped around Erin's shoulder, pushing the stroller casually with his other hand while Erin had her arm sneaked around Jay's waist so she could snuggle quite close to him, her left hand holding the leash.

″You know what?″ Jay asked when they walked from the Aquarium into the direction of the Buckingham Fountain and Grant Park, the sun slowly going down behind the skyline.

″Huh?″

″Today in four weeks we'll be on our honeymoon,″ he said lightly and turning his head to her, she saw that bright smile on his face that made her heartbeat pick up its pace.

″Hell yes we'll be,″ she smirked, her dimples displaying perfectly.

″I can't wait,″ Jay murmured and pressed his lips against hers.

″Me neither,″ she whispered in response after the kiss, her lips finding his lips again instantly.

23 days.

23 days from now she would walk down the aisle to become his wife.

23 days from now she would become Mrs. Erin Halstead.

23 days from now she would marry the love of her life.

23 days from now their forever would start.

23 days.

The countdown was on...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) I don't know when I'll be able to update next but be sure we're totally heading towards the wedding now :)**


	62. Counting Down The Days

**Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter and for being patient with me! I totally want to update once a week but currently I'm working on a ranch in the middle of nowhere in Canada, so the access to WIFI is limited. However, I hope you like this one, it's quite long, so enjoy :)**

* * *

 **62\. Counting Down The Days**

 _16 July 2017_

Having a teething baby sucked. Really sucked. Only a couple of days after Jay had sensed that Emilia would start to teeth soon, it had become evident that she was indeed teething already. She was fussier and grumpier during the day, chewing on everything that she could put into her mouth, had swollen gums and much worse, she wasn't sleeping through the night anymore, was awake at least two times a night and opposite to when she'd been a newborn and settled back easily only to wake up again an hour later, she didn't settle too well during the night now, was quite restless, keeping her parents up for hours. They didn't want to bring night feeds back and so they walked with her through the apartment, spent some time with her out on the balcony to watch the stars and listen to the noises of the city by night, a rubber teething ring or washcloth they've chilled in the fridge before always accompanying them so Emmy could chew on it, the coolness helping her to cope with her aching gums.

″Hey princess,″ Jay said on Sunday morning two weeks before the wedding, when he leaned over the crib to pick her up. She was already holding her arms out for him, a conscious effort to be picked up that she showed him for the first time. ″You've already been waiting for daddy?″ he smiled down and scooped her into his arms.

″Hey you,″ he whispered, pressing a kiss on her cheek. ″How are you doing this morning?″ he asked her, tickling her belly softly which earned him the cutest giggle.

″You're in a good mood today, huh? Are your gums a bit better?″ he asked her and opened her mouth gently so he could look for the pearly whites he expected to break through soon. It's been a week now since it has become obvious that there was something going on in her mouth and he had no idea how long it was supposed to take until the first tooth would appear. They _hoped_ she would at least be done with her two bottom teeth by the time they went on honeymoon, so they wouldn't have to leave Hank with Emmy who was 50% of the day/night not really her usual happy, easy-going self.

″Naah Emmy, still nothing there,″ he sighed, walking to the kitchen with her where Erin was preparing the pancake batter for breakfast, wearing a pair of pajama shorts and a white top, her hair a complete mess from their Sunday morning activities earlier. God, how much Jay loved seeing her like this. As the sexy housewife. Though he would never tell her because he really wanted to live a little longer and she shot him death glares whenever he was as sassy to call her housewife, so at some point she would might throw a knife.

″Hey sweetheart,″ Erin almost sang when they approached her and took Emilia from Jay's arm. ″Did you have a good sleep since you were up last at 4?″ she asked, Emmy grabbing for her hair and pulling on it, smiling brightly as she did.

″I guess that's a yes cheeky monkey,″ she laughed and tried to free her hair from Emmy's grasp and in particular, her strong pull.

″She's in quite a good mood today, so maybe it's getting better,″ Jay said and leaned down to first press another kiss on Emmy's head and then on Erin's lips. It wasn't like they hadn't kissed this morning already, they'd done way more than kissing in fact - making the best of the extra time they'd had this morning thanks to Emilia sleeping longer since she was up during the night - but he of course took the chance of brushing his lips against her soft ones whenever he could.

″Let's hope it stays like this, right Emmy? Teething sucks,″ she said, wondering whether they could expect this kind of drama for every damn tooth within the next one-and-a-half years.

″Poor little girl,″ Jay sighed and stroked over her cheek. If he could go through this instead of her, he would do it in a heartbeat. As if she'd understood the compassion from her father she reached out for him again.

″Such a daddy's girl,″ Erin laughed, passing her back to Jay.

″You wanna go for a jog with me and Crispin before breakfast, as long as its not too hot outside?″ he asked the baby. ″You wanna come, too?″ he then asked Erin.

″No, I don't think so, I'm already _worn out_ from our early-morning exercise...you know?″ she laughed huskily, raising her eyebrow coquettishly.

″Uh-huh,″ he smirked, knowing very well that if they didn't have a baby, he would take her on the kitchen counter right now, wearing themselves out for a second time this morning. Luckily he was able to interrupt his own thoughts before his mind could go to these places. ″So just you and me and Crispin,″ he said to Emmy.

″She hasn't had breakfast yet, so let me nurse her first. Otherwise you will not enjoy that run,″ Erin chuckled.

″Okay, so breakfast for Emmy first,″ he said, imitating an airplane when he passed her back to Erin.

While Jay changed into his running gear, Erin settled in the rocking chair in Emilia's room to nurse her. Ever since she'd been at the hospital, when she was forced to not nurse Emmy for a couple of days due to the medication, she's started to slowly wean her and was only nursing her two times a day now, once in the morning and once in the evening. Around lunch time she was always getting her pulp, that she liked more and more and ate with way more enthusiasm now though it was still a mess, and when she needed something in between she got water or tea to drink or formula or more pulp in case she was hungry. Especially with the honeymoon coming up and Erin being seperated from Emmy for a week, it was important for her that she accepted all the other things different than the milk she was providing her. Plus, with her teeth soon breaking through, nursing would possibly even become painful at some point, so it was time she got used to other food.

From next week on she would reduce nursing to one time a day and a tad bit of melancholy overcame her when she imagined that after coming back from the honeymoon, she wouldn't have this intimate time with her daughter anymore, this special time of bonding they've shared from the moment she was born.

After nursing was done and Emmy had a fresh diaper and was wearing an adorable jumpsuit, Jay could finally go for his run on the Lake Front Trail. He settled her in her stroller, half-lying so she was facing him, made sure that there were enough toys on the safety bar so she would be entertained and gave her a cooled teething ring, just to be on the safe side. He put an excitedly waiting Crispin on the leash, gave Erin, who was back in the kitchen, cutting fruits they could later eat with the pancakes, another kiss and then left. When Erin walked on the balcony and watched the three of them disappearing in the distance she was sure that this was how a perfect, domesticated Sunday morning looked like; a little bit of alone-time, Jay going for a jog with both, Emmy and Crispin, while she took a shower and finished to prepare breakfast so they could later eat together before enjoying their Sunday as a family...

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They spent the afternoon in their new house as it was too hot and too humid to spend much time outside. Almost all the rooms were painted already, except of the wall behind the dining table but they had to wait until after the wedding as this was going to be something special, and the last room they still needed to paint was Jay's man cave. Yesterday they'd bought a giant corner sofa for the living room and the company would deliver it within the next two weeks and their old couch, _the_ one couch, would get a spot in the man cave because there was no way they would get rid of this special piece of furniture.

They'd just finished to paint the Hawks logo on the wall, being very proud of the result as it's turned out perfectly, and were preparing the opposite wall so they could paint the Cubs logo on it, when Erin's cell rang. She frowned for a second when she saw Olive's name flashing across the screen.

″Olive?″ she asked.

″Hey Erin,″ she said. ″You and Jay are at the house, aren't you?″

″Yes we are. Why?″

″Uhm...Justin's not home. He and Hank are in Indianapolis to pick some things up that are still at my parents' place,″ she explained, inhaling deeply before dropping the bomb. ″Erin I...I think I'm in labor.″

 _Damn._ She's totally forgotten that Olive was due any day now. _This is not good._ ″Okay, keep cool Olive, I'll be there in a minute,″ she said, swallowing down the upcoming feeling of nervousness and hung up, putting her phone back in the back pocket of her shorts before meeting Jay's questioning gaze.

″Olive might be in labor and Justin's in Indianapolis,″ she answered his unspoken questions. ″I'll go over and check on her.″

″You want me to come with you?″ he asked, sensing that this situation filled her with anxiety.

″Uhm, not yet. In case she's really in labor I think she wants as less people as possible see her in that state. At least that's how I felt. But I'll call if I need you,″ she smiled thankfully and ran out of the house to knock on Olive's front door a couple of seconds later.

When the young blonde woman opened the door Erin could immediately tell that she was definitely in labor, her pinched facial expression and the sweat covering her forehead telling her all she needed to know.

″Hey,″ she said gently, placing her hand on Olive's shoulder and guiding her inside.

″Thanks for coming,″ Olive said and sat down on the couch, leaning back in the cushions, her hand tracing circles onto her large belly. She was definitely more than ready to have this baby.

″Of course,″ Erin assured her, bending down on her knees in front of her. ″When did your contractions start?″

″This morning. Somewhen around 9 I think,″ she said.

″Around 9?″ Erin echoed, her eyes widening in disbelief. ″Jesus Olive, that's five hours! Why didn't you call earlier?″ she asked, trying to keep her voice gentle. Blaming her surely was the last thing she should do.

″I didn't think...I don't know...I thought it was false alarm and I tried to play it down...Danny was born almost two weeks after his due date and I'm only due tomorrow so I thought...but it's gotten so much stronger in the last hour and...″ she stammered, completely overwhelmed by the situation. ″And the baby can't come now. Justin's not here and I can't reach him or Hank. He has to stay inside until Justin's here,″ she whined desperately.

″Sssshh Olive,″ she soothed, stroking her knee. ″I don't think this baby wants to wait...″

″No no no,″ she panicked. ″He can't come now!″

″Olive, take a deep breath, okay? Inhale, exhale,″ Erin said, showing her the breathing rhythm and hoping that she would pick it up.

″Erin I can't do this without him,″ she whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

″I know,″ Erin nodded. Hell, she didn't know what she would've done if Jay hadn't been there for Emilia's birth and if she had to do it without his support. She would've freaked out just as much as Olive did right now. But unfortunately freaking out didn't bring them anywhere. This baby was most likely going to be born today, no matter whether Justin was here or three hours away.

″Listen Olive, here's what we're going to do. I'll bring you to Med and I'll stay with you and I'll do everything to reach Justin and Hank, okay?″

″Okay,″ she nodded, grimacing as a contraction came up in this moment. Her hand automatically reached for Erin's and for a second Erin thought her fingers would might not survive this. If this was rudimentarily how she'd squeezed Jay's hand for hours back in February she wondered how he was still able to hold a pen and how his fingers survived this day without further damage.

Erin let her squeeze the shit out of her hand and waited until the contraction was over. ″How far apart are they?″

″Four to five minutes,″ she answered.

″Okay. What about your water?″

″Intact.″

″That's good,″ Erin breathed out. ″Where's Danny?″

″In his room, taking a nap.″

″Great. I'm going to check on him and then I'll call Jay to come over to take care of him while we go to Med, alright? You just stay here and I'll be back in a minute,″ Erin explained, gave her knee another pat and got up.

On the way upstairs she gave Jay a quick update, telling him about her plan and before she entered Danny's room, she dialed Hank's number. Just like Olive she was led to voicemail instantly. _Where the hell are you?_ she cursed inwardly and walked into the room. As expected, Daniel was sleeping peacefully, being completely unaware that he would be a big brother soon.

She stayed with him for a moment, getting her own nervousness under control, before a knock on the front door downstairs signalised her that Jay was already here. She quickly opened the door and grabbed Olive's car key to take her to the hospital, so Jay could later take their Audi to bring Emilia, Daniel and Crispin to the apartment because who knew how long this was going to take. While Olive settled in the passenger's seat, she put Daniel's car seat out of the car and placed it on the porch.

″I'll stay with her until Justin arrives,″ she told Jay.

″You reached him?″

″Not yet,″ she sighed. ″Damn he can't miss this. I don't even understand why they had to drive there today when her due date is tomorrow...″

″I never had done that.″

″I know. When did you start to go crazy and didn't want to leave my side anymore? Week 36?″ she chuckled slightly.

″Yeah, something like that,″ he winked. ″Now go, I don't think Olive appreciates our smalltalk.″

″Alright,″ she nodded. ″I'm sorry I have to leave you with two little kids.″

″Babe, Olive needs you and I'll get it handled,″ Jay assured her.

″I know you will,″ she smiled, pecked his lips shortly and made her way to the driver's side, wondering whether their lives would ever slow down and they could just simply relax for a couple of weeks without anything dramatic happening.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Shortly after they arrived at Med, while Olive was examined in a room, Erin waiting outside and pacing up and down the hall anxiously, Hank finally called back, telling her something about a giant thunderstorm in Indianapolis that literally killed the telephone lines. Erin quickly told him about Olive being in labor and hurry the fuck up in case Justin didn't want to miss the birth of his second son. At this point she wasn't even sure whether hurrying up would be enough as she knew most times everything went faster with the second child, so she hoped devoutly that the doctor wouldn't tell her Olive was already at 7+ centimeters.

Being back in a delivery room was somehow weird, especially since she now was in a role she hasn't thought she'd ever be in: she was the one supporting another woman in labor, rubbing her back, speaking soothing, encouraging words. Words that were the biggest lie in history because she actually knew that nothing could take the pain of labor away, Olive knew too, and there was no worse pain than feeling a contraction at its peak. She even somehow shuddered by the thought which pain Olive was feeling in every moment but she concentrated on telling her about the moment when she would _soon_ get the greatest reward, when it would _soon_ be over and a bundle of life would rest on her chest instead of inside her belly. And these thoughts also sent chills down her spine, but only because it was the most magical moment someone could ever experience, seeing and touching the child you created with the man you love for the very first time, and maybe, just maybe, a tiny part inside of her wanted to experience this again at some point.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Three hours and what felt like ten broken fingers later, when the midwife already talked about Olive starting to push with the next contraction, Justin came _finally_ running into the room, his breathing as heavy as if he's just run the Chicago Marathon.

″Thank you, Erin,″ he said, giving her a nervous smile and hugged her shortly, placing a kiss on her head before he took the spot Erin's occupied for the last three hours, the spot where only he needed to be right now. Not Erin or anyone else.

″Good luck,″ she smiled back and left the room so Justin and Olive could have some privacy for this big event.

Together with Hank she went to the cafeteria to get a very needed cup of coffee, settling at one of the tables.

″Maybe I should get my fingers x-rayed,″ Erin chuckled when she brought the cup to her lips, unsure whether her aching fingers would be strong enough to hold it.

″That bad?″ he grinned.

″Yeah, you know, women in labor develop a unbelievable strength. This strength helps them to get through this but it can also damage your limbs apparently,″ she laughed. ″Hell, how did Jay do this?! I squeezed the crap out of his hands for almost 15 hours straight,″ she chuckled and shook her head.

″He's a tough guy,″ he smirked. ″And it's different with men. They can take any pain when they see what their women have to go through.″

″You mean that's just what they deserve in that moment?″ she laughed, the usual hint of rasp in her throat.

″Basically they're just glad they don't have to do it themselves, so they take smushed fingers in a heartbeat,″ he winked.

″Charming,″ she grinned and they fell into a moment of silence.

″Where's Danny?″ Hank asked somewhen, sipping on his coffee.

″With Jay. He took him and Emmy and Crispin to the park and then to our apartment.″

″So Jay's now taking care of a five-and-a-half months old, a two-year-old and a dog?″ Hank asked and raised his eyebrows. ″You sure he's still alive?″ he smirked.

″Pretty sure,″ she chuckled, grabbing her phone that laid on the table in front of her to show him a picture Jay's sent her from the park earlier. It was a selfie of him and Danny, both of them wearing sunglasses and holding a cone with icecream, the melting ice all over Danny's face and hands.

″Yeah I see, he's got it covered,″ Hank grinned. His best sniper was really and absolutely made to be a dad. No doubts given.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin smirked proudly. She was sure she could leave Jay with a whole horde of kids and dogs and he would still magically and magnificently find a way to get it all handled.

″Shall I pick him up and take him home with me overnight later?″

″Well, Emmy is not the greatest sleeper these days. You'll figure that out soon by the way,″ she winked. ″So maybe it's not the worst idea if he stays at your place tonight. But let's see how late it'll get until we're out of here. Maybe he'll already be asleep and then we should just simply let him sleep,″ she explained. She'd read in various baby books that it was the worst to wake up a sleeping toddler, only to put them back in bed a couple minutes later. This never worked. And that's why it was parents' biggest nightmare when their kids fell asleep in the car on the way home.

″Okay,″ Hank nodded, a proud smile rushing over his face as he was eyeing her from the side. _Such a mommy_. Who had ever thought that?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They didn't have to worry about it getting too late. Henry Christopher Voight was born all healthy only a mere 35 minutes after Justin had arrived, making him a father of two and Hank a grandfather of three. After giving them a little time as just the three of them, because especially Erin knew how important and needed this was after such an intense time, she and Hank got to know the newest member of the family an hour later. She took a couple of photos of the wrinkled baby with the dark hair and when she was allowed to hold him she was sure he was heavier than Emmy had been at a month old. She got the actual confirmation when Olive told her about his weight and length. Little Henry was quite the chunk, having a fighting weight of more than 9 pounds.

They only stayed for around 15 minutes before they gave them their well-deserved alone time, so they could get to know their newest son a little more before he would meet his big brother on the following day, and were at the apartment shortly before 8, just in time for bedtime stories.

When Erin stepped into the apartment, Hank following close behind, her heart melted like ice in the sun. Jay sat on the couch, Danny sitting on one of his thighs, leaning against him, Emmy sitting on his other thigh, also leaning against him, and he read them a story from a book, Crispin listening attentively as well as he laid down on the floor by Jay's feet.

″What did I tell you?″ Erin smiled at Hank, who's eyes have also fallen on his son-in-law.

″Impressive,″ he answered and it sounded like he really meant it and was in fact truly impressed about how well Jay seemed to handle the situation with two little kids.

″Look who's there,″ Jay said to Daniel, bringing the boy's attention from the storybook to his grandfather.

″Papaw!″ Daniel screamed excitedly and Jay helped him to get on the floor safely so he could run to him.

″Hey munchkin,″ Hank smiled when he picked him up into his arms. ″You're a big brother now.″

″Me?″ he asked.

″Yes, you,″ he answered, prickling him softly with his finger. ″His name's Henry and he's a lot smaller than you are.″

″Henny?″

″Yeah, something like that,″ Hank laughed before he changed his attention to Erin and Jay who were sitting on the couch, witnessing the interaction between grandfather and grandson silently. ″Would it be okay if I take him to my place?″

″Sure,″ Erin nodded.

″I bathed him and he's already wearing his pajamas, so you just have to tuck him in,″ Jay explained. ″And I packed some clothes and the stuffy he was snuggling with during his nap into a bag. It's by the door.″

Erin looked from Jay to Hank and if his facial expression had been impressed before, she had no idea how to describe the look on his face now. Perplex was quite an understatement and for a moment he seemed to have lost his tongue. Which was something that never happened as Hank had _always_ something to say.

Then, finally, he nodded his head appreciatively. ″Listen Erin, I told you this before but I'm going to tell you again right now: this man's a keeper.″

″I know that,″ she smirked sheepishly, placing the softest of kisses on Jay's cheek because she sensed he was probably not even breathing at this point, after getting such a huge compliment from no one less than Hank Voight, the man who'd once threatened to cut his life short in case he dared to touch her.

″Good,″ he smirked. ″And just so you know Jay, she's a keeper as well.″

″She is,″ Jay nodded slowly, still trying to process Hank's words. It wasn't the first compliment he paid him. He'd paid him quite some on Erin's birthday but still, Hank Voight telling him something like this in all honesty was always a reason for him to nearly fall over. ″Guess why I put a ring on her finger,″ he grinned at his soon-to-be father-in-law before turning his head to Erin, gazed at her with those perfect blue heart-eyes that had the ability to look right into her soul.

″Huh,″ Hank only grunted, a smile still covering his features. ″I think I should go now and bring this munchkin home,″ he added, ready to give these two lovebirds some privacy.

Jay handed Emmy to Erin and went downstairs with Hank to give him the car seat. They exchanged a few more words, nothing as spectecular this time, before he went back upstairs to find Erin and Emilia cuddling on the couch, the stuffed music box playing in the background.

″She out?″ Jay whispered, dropping himself onto the couch.

″Pretty much,″ Erin yawned.

″You too?″ he chuckled.

″Probably,″ she grinned.

″So Henry, huh?″

″Yeah, Henry Christopher. After both of his grandfathers. He's a chunky monkey,″ she chuckled and handed him her phone so he could take a look at the pictures she'd taken at the hospital.

″He is,″ Jay agreed when he scrolled through her camera roll.

″I can't believe Emmy was that small not long ago,″ Erin sighed when she saw the photo of her holding the newborn. ″I mean, look at her now, she's so big. She'll soon start to crawl, to talk, to walk. Of course it's great to see that but sometimes I wish she would slow down just a bit. Or that we could turn back time to when she was a tiny newborn that looked even tinier in your strong arms,″ she smiled, her voice revealing hints of melancholy, and she pressed a kiss on her daughter's light brown strands of hair.

″Me too,″ Jay whispered, wrapping his arm around her to pull her closer. ″But it's still amazing to witness how she's changing and exploring the world.″

″Yeah. And somehow I want her to stay little but somehow I also can't wait for her to babble and interact with us more. You know, hear her saying her first word. Mommy,″ she laughed slightly.

″You wish,″ Jay laughed as well, nestling his chin in her hair and kissing her head. ″But I don't think we have a real competition here because her first word will be Crispin anyway,″ he joked.

″Yeah, there's a likelyhood that this is going to happen,″ Erin chuckled, leaning even deeper into him so they could enjoy a little more valuable family time after a day that has turned out so different than they'd expected in the morning.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _21 July 2017_

After another week, one with lots of gang related crimes and night shifts for Jay, Antonio, Kevin, Adam, Mouse and Will literally kidnapped him for a boys weekend on Friday morning, 8 days before the wedding, when they showed up at their apartment by 6.30am. They'd at least warned them about their early arrival the evening before, so they were prepared for these goofs showing up in shorts and sunglasses in front of their apartment at a time they usually only crawled out of bed. While they waited for Jay to get his duffle bag and say goodbye to his still sleeping daughter, they didn't hold back from teasing Erin that maybe after this last legendary weekend as a bachelor, Jay would change his mind and not come back. As she wasn't a morning person _at_ _all_ , they were lucky she didn't bite their heads off right there in the doorway but managed to sass back instead and after Jay'd pressed a long kiss on her lips for goodbye and she was alone in the apartment again, the silence that surrounded her was very welcomed. The silence only lasted until she'd poured down her cup of coffee anyway as she had to wake up Emmy, make her ready for the day and go for a quick stroll with her and Crispin all before the girls would pick her up later, so all in all just the usual weekday morning stress.

Jay meanwhile had still no idea where the boys would take him. He was fine with anything as long as they wouldn't drag him on a plane with the destination Las Vegas. He didn't need the stereotype bachelor party in Vegas, getting drunk, losing a lot of money and visiting some strip clubs and he hoped that his friends and brother knew that this wasn't what he wanted to do on the last weekend before getting married. His worries, however, were unfounded as they didn't drive to one of the city's airports but took the highway up north and after one-and-a-half hours of driving, in between eating semi-good waffles from a drive-in restaurant and drinking way too much beer for that time of the day, the guys revealed that they were heading to the wilderness of Wisconsin, 3 more hours up north to be precise, for a weekend full of whitewater rafting, campfires, ziplining, kayaking and fishing. Jay wondered how he could ever have thought that these guys would do anything else than giving him the best possible weekend, one that suited him perfectly.

In Chicago, Erin got picked up as well, when two hours after the boys had left Kim, Natalie and Sylvie stood in front of the apartment. Just like Jay she had no idea where they would go but she couldn't help but hope that it was something relaxing and not a weekend full of partying and embarrassing things she had to do out in public. Because that was definitely not her thing. She wasn't even the partying type anymore. She'd left this phase of her life behind her, was only going out in the evenings occasionally but never for dancing through the night but rather for having a drink with friends.

Before they left, she brought Emmy and Crispin downstairs to Carol, where Hank would pick them up later. This weekend was kind of the test run for their honeymoon though Erin was sure Hank would never tell her in case these three days turned out to be a complete disaster as he didn't want to ruin their honeymoon. At the same time, it was also a test run for her, regarding how she handled to be seperated from her daughter for more than a day for the first time. In case she didn't get through this weekend very well it was easy to predict that seven days would nearly be impossible. Though seven days all alone with Jay were maybe a different story as it was easy to say that she _really_ looked forward to a couple of days of undisturbed togetherness.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The girls have picked the wellness and spa hotel the Unit had been last year for the team building event for Erin's last weekend as a unmarried woman. And after stopping by at an outlet center to go shopping, talking Erin into buying the cutest summer dress, they arrived in New Buffalo in the early afternoon, slipping from their shirts and shorts directly into a bath robe so they could enjoy a massage each and then spent the rest of the day outside by the pool, drinking cocktails and chitchatting about everything and anything.

In the evening, they enjoyed the best of dinners before they ended their day with a walk along the beach towards the direction of the lighthouse. The one lighthouse Erin and Jay had played scrabble a year ago. Erin could literally feel Jay's hands on her body when they approached the pier with the red-and-white tower and she felt heat crawling up inside of her by the memories of this evening when he'd pressed her against the cool walls of the lighthouse to make love. She hoped most urgently that the girls didn't recognize the blush on her cheeks.

″This is such a beautiful place,″ Kim exclaimed, taking her shoes off so she could sit down on the edge of the pier to dip her feet into the water of Lake Michigan.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin chuckled slightly, those memories _still_ taking the better of her because yeah, making love with Jay was _always_ a pleasant memory. She took her shoes off as well and sat down next to her maid of honor, Natalie and Sylvie joining them, too.

″Thanks for this girls,″ she smiled, her gaze focussed on the sun that went lower by the minute and colored the sky in all shades of yellow and orange. ″And thanks for not forcing me to do any embarrassing things,″ she laughed. ″And thanks for no stripper or anything similar.″

″Hey, this weekend is not over yet. It only just started,″ Natalie smirked, bumping her shoulder against Erin's.

″Don't cheer too soon, Erin,″ Sylvie giggled as well.

″Should I be worried?″ Erin asked. She was almost certain there was more to come after all the secrets over the past few weeks.

″Not yet,″ Kim winked. ″But no worries, everything is harmless.″ This weekend was indeed just for relaxing and talking, for the sauna and the pool, the beach and the lake, the exfoliations and the massages, the strolls and the food. But next weekend was a different story as Kim and Mouse had decided they should let them go through the embarrassing stuff together.

″So no stripper?″ Erin made sure.

″You can thank whomsoever that your man looks like Adonis himself. Because we figured no stripper in this world can give you something that you don't see _and_ touch on a daily basis.″ Sylvie tried to say it all casual but as soon as these words were out, she cracked up laughing and so did the other three.

 _Truest statement in history._ ″Remind me that I'll never complain about Jay working out again,″ Erin snorted. Not that she'd ever _really_ complained when he went to the gym on a day he could go home from work early or when he went there for an hour on Saturdays and Sundays. It was mostly just mock offense. She would never complain about the results of his work-outs as they were pure eye candy. And now these results have even saved her from an encounter with a stripper. _Praise those muscles, the abs, the v-line, his perfect, fucking hot body._

″Can't he get his brother into working out at least a bit?″ Natalie complained laughingly.

″Or motivate Adam to do a bit more?″ Kim chuckled.

″Seems more like you guys need a stripper at some point,″ Erin smirked mischievously. ″Good to know.″

″It's not that I don't like Will's body...it's just...you know...I wouldn't mind if he worked out,″ Natalie grinned.

″No worries Nat, we got it that you want a stripper on the next possible occasion,″ Sylvie teased. ″When's your birthday?″

″Oh shut up,″ Natalie laughed.

″Okay,″ Sylvie grinned and they all fell into a comfortable silence, the chuckles slowly fading away.

″You nervous about next week?″ Kim asked.

″I guess I am,″ Erin shrugged. She was acutally counting down the days in anticipation though there were some things that made her nervous. ″But only about everything going smooth, that everything will be like we imagine because I have these nightmares that there'll be a thunderstorm or a hurricane or an earthquake or that the world goes down, whatever.″

″You will have the most perfect day, no worries,″ Kim smiled encouragingly. ″With blue skies and sun.″

″Let's hope so,″ Erin smiled forcedly. This was really her biggest fear. That they couldn't have the ceremony outside, in front of the lake, the evening sun shining at them from the side. Of course there would be a big tent at the venue, where they later could celebrate and dance, but the actual plan was that they would exchange their vows outside and not inside of the tent. She's been checking the weather forecast for the 29th for the last week and so far it looked like they would get the weather they were dreaming of though she knew very well how fast things could change.

″You have your vows finished?″ Sylvie asked.

Her vows. That was another thing that caused her quite a headache. There were _so_ many things in her head she wanted to tell him but she struggled with writing them down and seriously considered to improvise next week and just tell him whatever her heart wanted to tell him in that moment. So far she had at least three sentences that she liked, so that was better than nothing.

″Still working on it,″ she admitted. ″I still need to get them down pat.″

″Seriously, I can't wait to hear them,″ Natalie smirked.

 _Well, thanks for the pressure,_ Erin thought but she could understand her friend because she couldn't wait for Jay's vows either as she was sure they would melt her heart, would get right into her soul and would bring her waterproof make-up at its limit. And maybe this was why she struggled because she wanted her words to get right to his heart and into his soul as well and whenever she scrawled something down she asked herself whether they would.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The darkness started to surround the cabin and the woods in Wisconsin, the chirp of the birds hushed, the clitter of the crickets took over and the bugs started to attack the six men around the bonfire.

″I'll go and get the bug bite spray,″ Jay said after killing the 10th or so bug that had sat down on his leg to subsist on his blood.

″I can go, too,″ Mouse suggested.

″Naah, it's okay,″ Jay assured him and went inside, getting the spray giving him the opportunity to finally give his fiancée a call without the guys making fun of him how they couldn't even spend one weekend without hearing each other's voices. The voice network wasn't the best up here in the middle of nowhere but thankfully it was enough for a call and Erin picked up after the third ring.

″Hey babe.″ There was the usual hint of rasp in her voice and he knew there were those dimples on her face right now and suddenly he was wondering whether calling her was such a brilliant idea. He maybe needed to jump into the chilly river next to the cabin afterwards.

″Hey dream woman,″ he chuckled slightly, looking for the bug bite spray in the depths of the box with nourishments and other stuff. ″How's it going?″

″Pretty great. What about you?″

″Same,″ he grinned.

″Where did the guys take you?″

″Vegas,″ Jay managed to say deadpan.

″Really?″ Erin asked and he could hear that she didn't believe him the tiniest bit. ″That's funny 'cause we're in Vegas, too. We should meet,″ she laughed.

″You are?″ he frowned, unsure whether she was joking or not. So far the guys haven't told him where the girls were and somehow the thought of Erin being in Vegas didn't settle well with him, mostly because he knew that Erin hadn't wanted to go to Vegas either, just like him.

″No,″ she laughed. ″But you aren't either,″ she noticed.

″Touché,″ he laughed as well. ″We're in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin. We went ziplining and fishing today and just finished grilling our quarry over the campfire. I think tomorrow we'll go whitewater rafting and Antonio said something about the possibility of climbing under a waterfall or something.″

″Wow, that sounds like some real adventure,″ Erin chuckled ever so raspy, it wasn't even funny.

″What about you?″

″The wellness and spa hotel we were for the team building event last year, you remember?″ she asked rhetorically. ″We're doing all the spa this weekend, it's incredible. Getting massages, relaxing in the sun, using the whirlpool and the _sauna_ ,″ she said, especially emphasizing the last word to tease him. And of course she succeeded and his mind went to places it shouldn't go to with her a 7 or so hour drive away.

He cleared his throat before he was able to answer. ″Sounds perfect.″

″It is,″ she confirmed. ″We actually just came back from a stroll to _the_ lighthouse,″ she said huskily.

 _Maybe I should really go for that cold shower before I go back outside_ , Jay thought, swallowing hard by hearing her husky voice combined with the memories from that evening over a year ago, when they'd had sex in a more or less public place. Fucking good sex. As usual.

″Jay?″ she chuckled into the phone. ″You still there?″

″Barely,″ he murmured loud enough for her to hear.

″Ouh, you're at that place,″ she teased, her raspy chuckle not making the situation any easier for him.

″Shut up,″ he grunted.

″No worries babe, my mind was there as well earlier. I just thought you deserve to go there as well,″ she laughed.

″Thank you, aren't you just the loveliest woman under the sun?″ Jay joked. He still hasn't found the bug bite spray.

″I am. That's why you want to marry me,″ she said lightly, a flirtatious undertone in her voice.

″Might be one of the reasons,″ he grinned, in the same moment hearing someone stepping into the cabin behind him.

″Damn Jay how long can it take to find bug bite spray? They eat us up out there!″ Kevin complained loudly, giving him a pat on the back, only now realizing that he was on the phone.

″Well, I guess that's 10 bucks I owe your brother now,″ he laughed and grabbed the phone from a surprised and confused Jay who looked like being caught doing something he wasn't allowed to.

″Yo Linds,″ Kevin said. ″Stop distracting your man or they'll only find our skeletons tomorrow because the friggin' bugs are trying to kill us.″

″Sorry Kev, didn't know he was on a mission to save your lives,″ she laughed.

They exchanged a couple more words before Kevin graciously handed Jay the phone back so he could at least say goodbye.

″So the mosquitoes as big as birds are trying to eat our friends and you rather call me? Shame on you, Halstead,″ she chuckled.

″Yeah well, you know...priorities.″

″Uh-huh,″ she answered. ″But now go, the girls want to go to the bar for a cocktail anyway, so I should get ready.″

″Alright,″ he sighed. ″Love you.″

″Love you more,″ she said hung up, Jay putting the phone back into his pocket and going back to the fireplace with Kevin.

″Jeeez, you guys,″ Kevin laughed and slightly shook his head, giving him another pat. ″Your brother said you would sneak in and try to call her but I said: _nooo, he doesn't do that. It's a boys weekend and he's a brother, he doesn't break the rules._ ″

″I'm sorry,″ Jay grinned.

″Yo, gimme those 10 bucks I owe your brother now and we're even,″ Kevin joked.

″Deal,″ Jay agreed but Kevin's 'even' didn't include him not telling the others about Jay calling Erin.

″Finally!″ Will cheered when they took their spots around the fire again.

″Y'all know, Halstead really missed his girl. Caught him on the phone.″

″I knew it,″ Will celebrated.

″Was it dirty?″ Antonio laughed.

″It wasn't,″ Jay said immediately before Kevin could tell them anything else. ″Just wanted to know where she is since you guys didn't tell me.″

″You know, O threw my phone from the top of a building when I used it while I wasn't allowed to,″ Adam smirked. ″Maybe yours should go for a dive in the river. Not as punishment. Only as exercise.″

″Someone's talking from experience here, huh?″ Jay teased him, passing the spray around.

″Sure as hell was the only time my phone went for a dive from a rooftop,″ Adam said casually.

″Rookie mistakes are the hardest, bro,″ Antonio laughed. ″But let's just agree Jay won't make that mistake again and let's focus on drinking more beer, 'cause that's why we're here.″

″That is actually true,″ Mouse said, opening another sixpack and giving everyone a new, cooled bottle.

″So, here's to Jay's last weekend as a free man,″ Will said when they all raised their bottles.

″Remember this weekend buddy, because it'll never be the same again,″ Antonio joked.

″Oh come on,″ Jay laughed. ″I'm only marrying. Not going to prison.″

″About the same thing,″ Antonio winked.

″I'm actually counting down the days until I can call her my wife, not the days I'm still a unmarried man,″ Jay smirked.

″Tell us something we don't know already,″ Mouse chuckled.

″Seriously, when there's one thing I know it's that you and Erin will make this work,″ Antonio said. ″But let us make this weekend a legendary one nonetheless.″ To that they all clinked their bottles and let the cool beverage run down their throats.

It was indeed going to be a weekend none of them would forget for a while, a weekend full of laughters, adventures and stupid man jokes and no matter how great it was and how much Jay enjoyed this time with his friends that were family and how much he appreciated their efforts to make his bachelor getaway weekend the best and most legendary one possible, he couldn't wait for the days to pass and the following weekend to hurry up already.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _28 July 2017_

Jay, Erin, Emilia and with them Kim and Mouse as the maid of honor and best man arrived at Lake Geneva around lunch time one day before the big event, pure excitement glistering in the air around them. They checked into their hotel, the same one they'd been in April for Erin's birthday, and then drove right to the venue where the wedding would take place on the following day to meet Rachel and talk with her through some last details or things that maybe needed to be changed or rearranged last minute.

When Erin got out of the car, soaking in the fresh air that should help the giant butterflies in her stomach to settle down as they made her all antsy, she was sure that this place was now, at the end of July, even more beautiful than she's imagined though she'd already thought in April and May that this little piece of nature was too beautiful to be true. The grass and the leaves on the trees were deep green and swaying in the soft breeze, colorful flowers were blossoming everywhere, red and yellow apples and purple plums on the trees, the small lake sparkling in the summer sun. Two men were working on the white tent, another boy, probably a teen doing a summer job, mowed the grass where the chairs for their guests would be located tomorrow, where she would walk down the aisle and where Jay would wait for her directly in front of the lake.

At the edge of the woods, around 200 meters from where the tent was, was a small but charming wooden cabin with huge windows, a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a patio with a lake-view. Inside of this cabin, she would slip into her wedding dress tomorrow. Inside of this cabin she and Jay would have their wedding night. Not in the hotel where all their other guests, and their daughter, would spend the night but right here at the place they'd say I do, in this beyond charming cabin with the big canopy bed.

They took another look inside the small cabin, especially to show Mouse and Kim, and afterwards went inside the tent to check whether it all looked like they imagined and of course it did. They didn't have the help of a wedding agency for nothing. Chains of lights, similar to the ones in Molly's, were already hanging down form the roof so it would look like they were dancing under the stars tomorrow night. The wooden floor was already built up, tables and chairs placed around the dance floor. The only things that still needed to be done here were setting the tables and doing the decoration but that wouldn't be done before tomorrow morning as the flowers would only arrive then, so everything was on schedule.

″This is perfect,″ Erin whispered when they stood by the lake, gazing at this perfect scenery, Mouse and Kim and with them Emmy and Crisp having mysteriously disappeared with Rachel. Secrets _everywhere_.

″It is,″ Jay agreed, wrapping his arms around her from behind, brushing his lips over her cheek.

″It's like a fairytale,″ she smiled as she turned around to him and pressed her lips against his.

″I can't wait for everyone to come,″ Jay said, his eyes sparkling excitedly. Their guests would all arrive tomorrow morning, literally from all over the US. Olivia and Noah were flying into Chicago from New York today, just like Teddy was from San Francisco, and would then take the one-and-a-half hour drive up here with Hank tomorrow morning, accompanied by the rest of their Chicago people. Paul and Izzie have already been with Nick and Lydia down in Texas for the last couple of days, Michael and Susan being down there as well, and they would also take a flight from Austin to Chicago today but then already arrive here in the late evening.

″Me neither. I have the feeling we haven't seen lots of them in forever,″ she sighed.

They'd had so many plans, like going to New York to visit Olivia and Noah and Michael and Susan but everything had been so stressful with them getting adjusted to their new life with a baby, with planning the wedding, buying a house and all the drama that happened in between, that there simply hadn't been the time to make the trip to New York. Michael and Susan had once stopped by in May when they'd been on their way to the cabin and they'd spent the day outside in Chicago visiting some tourist spots, but other than that the only interaction they'd had with their family outside of Chicago were some occasional skype sessions.

A couple of days back Jay had talked to Michael on the phone, telling him about his father joining the party and that he hoped this wouldn't be a reason for them not to come as naturally Michael and Robert have never been the best of friends, especially with Robert simply leaving Michael's beloved sister alone to die. However, Michael's reaction had been one of the most surprising, when he'd said that Jay had given him and Susan a second chance and he was beyond thankful for that and so he could of course also give his father a second chance and that this didn't do any damage to their relationship. He would still be something like their son and as long as he was happy, they were, too and that they wouldn't want to miss his wedding for anything. Needless to say that Jay'd almost teared up. Sometimes he really was a tad bit too sentimental for his own liking. On the other hand, it was just a proof how much his family meant to him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They all stayed at the venue until the afternoon, talking through some more details of the ceremony and the following reception, checking whether they needed to change something, Erin taking a look at the weather app on her cell literally every hour but so far it still predicted sun, blue skies, a soft breeze and around 82° and no signs of thunderstorms or any other natural disasters, and then even practised the sequence of the ceremony to find out who would stand where best.

Instead of going back to the hotel afterwards – they'd even practised it _all_ for a second time though everything had been almost perfect the first time around - Mouse and Kim talked them into going to the best ice cream parlor in town to have a giant sundae there and Jay only had to exchange one glance with Erin to figure out that they were having the exact same thoughts. Something was very suspicious and these two definitely didn't want them to be at the hotel for whatever reason. They were two of Chicago's finest detectives, so after practising everything twice and Kim asking too many questions at the venue and now them making a short trip to the little town, it wasn't too hard to figure out that something was going on here.

Of course they didn't say anything and just played along with it, acting like they haven't caught up on that and made it Mouse and Kim pretty easy to play out time. Eventually they had to go back to the hotel to shower and get dressed for the evening anyway and at some point, long after they'd finished eating their sundaes, Kim _finally_ agreed that it was time to go.

Erin and Emilia shared a room with Kim and Jay shared his with Mouse, Crispin finding a spot to sleep in the men's room as well. Needless to say that Mouse and Kim took their jobs very serious, much to their own pleasure in this case, and insisted on the bride and the groom not spending the night before the wedding in the same room, naturally much to Erin's and Jay's displeasure. So the next night they would spend together was indeed their wedding night, once she was his wife and he was her husband. _What a wonderful thought..._

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I hope I can give you the next chapter next week ;) There's one more before the wedding and it's one of my favorites ;)**


	63. From This Moment On

**Thanks again for your patience and of course your feedback on my last chapter! Have fun with this one, I hope you like it (I kinda do :P)!**

 **Lyrics are from Shania Twain's "From This Moment On"**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

 **63\. From This Moment On**

 _28 July 2017_

″Girls? Are you ready?″ Jay called from outside the door in the evening around 7. ″'Cause I'm starving.″

″Chillax Jay, you had a giant sundae with double chocolate,″ Kim laughed when she opened the door, carrying Emmy.

″Yeah well, a sundae doesn't usually do a proper job to fill an empty stomach,″ Jay complained.

″Okay okay, be patient. I think Erin needs another minute or two,″ Kim grinned, handing Emmy to her father as she reached out for him. As always. Whenever she saw her daddy she got all excited, it was the cutest thing to witness.

″Of course she's _not_ ready,″ Jay chuckled.

″Ey, she had to bathe the little one _and_ to shower herself,″ Kim defended Erin. ″So she had much more to do than you had.″

″You could've given the task of bathing this monkey to me,″ Jay grinned, tickling Emmy's belly. ″Then we could already eat by now.″

″Jeez Jay, you're really a complainer, aren't you?″ Kim laughed.

″Only when he's hungry,″ Erin smirked when she opened the bathroom door in that moment, Jay almost falling over by her sight. She was wearing the most adorable white summer dress with embroideries and no sleeves. A short one that revealed way too much skin. Not that he would ever complain about seeing her perfect legs though. Her brown-blonde waves, that have grown back quite long in the last couple of months and were shining in a thousand different colors, falling over her shoulders lightly, effortlessly. Her make-up was subtle as she was glowing without it anyway, her lashes dreamingly long. Automatically his mind traveled a couple hours forward and he honstely wondered how he should survive seeing her in a wedding dress when seeing her like this, in a simple summer dress, already almost knocked him out.

″You can put your tongue back in your mouth now,″ Erin sassed, her raspy chuckle bringing him back to reality.

Jay didn't say anything, only closed the gap between them and leaned down to kiss her cheek. ″You have any idea how beautiful you look?″ he murmured into her ear, that was blazoned by the earlobe piercings he'd given her for her birthday, his hot breath tickling her sensitive skin there.

″You don't look too bad yourself either,″ she smirked, eyeing him from head to toes in his dark blue jeans and the perfectly fitting light grey polo shirt that revealed the muscles that were hidden underneath.

″Well, Mouse told me to dress nicely but compared to you...″ he winked.

″Ahem,″ Kim cleared her throat, interrupting their little moment. ″You can actually thank me, Nat and Sylvie for that dress because we talked your ever-stubborn fiancée into taking it. Which was quite the challenge.″

″Bet it was,″ Jay grinned, vividly imagining how Erin had contemplated forever whether to take it or not because she was always telling herself she wasn't the _dress-kinda-girl_. Jay seriously wondered where that came from because whenever he's seen her in a dress so far she'd looked nothing but stunning. This woman could simply wear anything and wearing an old potato bag she would still be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

″Guys, can we go or what?″ Mouse called from the door.

″Yeah,″ Kim said. ″These two just needed to act like they haven't seen each other in a week and make a point to prove how much they're in love,″ she laughed and gave them both a slight push into the direction of the door.

″Do I hear jealousy talking here?″ Jay teased her. ″Huh Emmy, what do you think? Is Aunt Kim jealous?″ he asked his daughter, getting a punch onto his upper arm from Kim in return.

″That hurt my feelings,″ Jay chuckled.

″Drama-queen,″ Erin teased him, slipping her hand through his fingers.

″Sometimes,″ he grinned down at her.

″Where do we even go?″ Erin asked confused when they walked towards the exit of the hotel. She's expected them to have dinner at the hotel's restaurant as the food there was delicious but apparently their destination was a different one. At the same time she still wondered why they'd had to play out time earlier.

″Wait and see,″ Mouse smirked, not giving away any more details.

″Huh,″ Erin grunted in return. All those secrets drove her nuts to say the least and she just wanted to know what was going on already.

Fortunately they only crossed the street and went to some kind of beach bar and steakhouse directly by the lake. _Steakhouse is always great_ , Jay thought satisfied, wondering whether everyone else could hear his stomach rumbling, his mouth was watering only from the thought of a delicious medium grilled steak with fries and onion rings.

″Wise choice,″ Jay grinned when they approached the restaurant with a big, beautiful patio and a perfect lake-view. He was so hungry, he didn't even notice that no one was sitting outside and that there were apparently no other guests. Which was weird, given the time of the day and the season in general.

″Yeah, we thought you'd like that,″ Mouse laughed, giving his best friend a pat on the back before he held the door open so Erin and Jay could step in first, their hands still intertwined, expecting anything but what happened now.

″SURPRISE!″ Their jaw's dropped and their eyes widened to unbelievable sizes as they stared at all the smiling and cheering people in front of them. Everyone, seriously everyone, was here. Hank, Olivia, Noah, Teddy, Will, Natalie, Owen, Carol, Robert, Susan, Michael, Robert, Paul, Izzie, Nick, Lydia, Mylo, Antonio, Sylvie, Sarah, Adam, Alvin, Meredith, Kevin, Trudy, Mouch, Gabby, Matt, Maggie and even Justin, Olive, Daniel and not even 2-week-old baby Henry. All their guests, these people they loved dearly and wanted to celebrate their special day with were here for them, one day early.

″Oh my God,″ Erin exclaimed, a big smile spreading across her face.

″What are y'all doing here?!″ Jay asked equally stunned.

″We wanted to give you guys a real party before you tie the knot and thought what would be better than doing it here, with all your friends and family present,″ Kim explained.

″That's why there was no _real_ bachelor party,″ Mouse said. ″We thought you'd prefer to do that together.″

″Thank you so so much,″ Erin whispered, being a bit emotional and having some trouble to keep her tears at bay as this meant much to her than Kim and Mouse could possibly imagine, and hugged her best friend. She had no idea how they'd done that, how they'd organized that without them knowing the tiniest bit about it and she was still absolutely speechless.

″Of course, you guys deserve the best weekend,″ Kim whispered into her ear. The organization of this special party had been the biggest challenge. After Erin had told her that they were marrying at Lake Geneva it had been hers and Mouse's task, Will helping as well, to tell all their guests to come one day earlier so they could be here for the party. They'd talked with most of them various times, telling them about the plans and coordinating arrival times. They had had to check with the hotel whether it was even possible for everyone to come early, they'd had to find a venue for this party that they had just for themselves this evening and had even spent a weekend up here in early June to plan everything properly. And earlier today, they'd had to play out time and make sure everyone was in their rooms when they returned to the hotel, the cars they knew, like Hank's, being parked someplace else so Erin and Jay wouldn't catch up on anything before they were supposed to. To keep this a secret had been insanely difficult but they've made it work and from their reactions she knew that they'd expected anything but this. _Mission succeeded._

Erin hugged Mouse when Jay was done embracing his best friend, Jay hugging Kim as well, before they finally gave their full attention to their guests, their _family._ Bound by blood or not, this was what they all were: their family. What followed was a big hello to everyone including dozens of more hugs, music playing in the background, waiters serving cocktails and other drinks, a buffet overloaded with all kind of food waiting for them. The talking seemed to be endless as there were so many people, especially Jay's family of course, that wanted to get to know Emilia and talk with them in general and of course Erin and Jay wanted to give each of their guests a bit of their time for conversations as well. Not to forget that Noah was really happy to see his Aunt Erin and Uncle Jay again and made sure that they gave him enough attention.

Eating happened in between all those conversations and Jay didn't mind at all not getting the steak he'd imagined to eat tonight and all the little snacks were just as delicious and able to fill his stomach.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Okay guys, it's time for some games,″ Kim announced when the only food that was left was the desert and all the little ones where back in the hotel, Olive taking care of her boys and Carol tucking in Noah, Mylo, Owen and Emilia. Of course this had been planned beforehand as well, Carol having been in the loop all the way along, and she even seemed to be excited to take care of four kids aged between 6 months and 3 years.

″You gotta be kidding,″ Erin said, rolling her eyes at Kim. She sensed she'd definitely cheered too soon last week when she thought she escaped all the embarrassing games.

″I'm not actually,″ Kim laughed, pointing to the two chairs in the middle of the room, everyone else sitting on their tables around them, waiting excitedly for the things that were about to follow.

″Come on,″ Jay whispered into her ear, placing his hand on the small of her back to guide her there.

″She will pay for that. One day,″ she whispered only for him to hear before they positioned themselves next to Kim and Mouse, waiting for the next instructions.

″Aaaaaalright,″ Mouse said. ″Would you two sit down please?″

″Sure,″ Jay grinned and they took the spots on the chairs, back-to-back.

″Perfect. Now I'd like you take off your shoes and give one each to the other,″ he continued to explain. As neither Erin nor Jay have been to many weddings before, they didn't have a clue what kind of game this was and what was in store for them.

″Here you go,″ Jay said and handed one of his shoes to her, getting her heel in return.

″Thanks babe,″ she laughed.

″Great,″ Kim continued to explain. ″You'll get a couple of questions now like for example: who's doing the laundry? You raise the shoe of the person who does it and the goal is to have as many accordances as possible because as you might sense, you'll probably not always have the same opinion. So let's get a little more inside on your life,″ she laughed and everyone around cheered.

 _Oh heavens_ , Erin thought. She _knew_ those questions wouldn't all be about who was doing the laundry at home. These were the cute ones but she was sure there were other ones they would usually never answer, some they probably wouldn't feel super comfortable with sharing. But: cling together, swing together!

″Let's go,″ Adam called, laughing dorky. Yep, this game was definitely to his liking. No doubts. Most probably he was even the one who'd helped with the questions.

″Okay, first question,″ Mouse said, looking at a piece of paper. ″Who's a morning grouch?″

That one was easy, they both didn't even need to think about it as they both lifted Erin's shoe. She couldn't function without her coffee and preferred as less words being shared at 6.30 in the morning as possible while Jay would stand in the kitchen and sing along with the radio.

″Yay, 100% so far,″ Kim laughed. ″But let's see with this one: who needs more time in the bathroom?″

Not too difficult either and they both lifted Erin's shoe again. It wasn't that she was particularly peacocky but especially in the beginning of their relationship she'd changed her outfits twice before finally being ready to go as she'd wanted everything to be perfect. Which was stupid because Jay's always, _always_ , looked at her like she was the only star in the sky.

″As a morning grouch she needs those long showers in the morning and afterwards you can talk with her,″ Jay exclaimed, earning him laughters from their guests who didn't need to know that sometimes even a morning grouch didn't want to shower alone.

″Still a 100%. Impressive,″ Mouse commented. ″Who's the messier?″

Erin's shoes rose into the air instantly, everyone laughing once more. There was absolutely no doubt that she was way messier and he was the tidy, accurate one, his military past still influencing him in this case.

″Well, that seems clear,″ Kim laughed. ″Maybe we get you thinking with this one: who's better at riding shotgun?″

″Jay,″ Kevin called before they could answer. ″ _The_ professional co-driver of the 21st.″

″Well,″ Erin chuckled and lifted Jay's shoe.

″Can't even argue,″ Jay laughed, raising his own shoe as well.

″Alright, you guys are still going unanimously here but we'll find _the_ question, no worries. So, now that we know who's better at riding shotgun, who's the better driver?″ Mouse asked. ″And just for your info, we didn't ask who's driving all the time because that would be an easy one but who's actually the better driver,″ heclarified. Everyone laughed heartily but only because Jay's raised a shoe ever so quickly which Erin didn't see.

″Doesn't change a thing,″ Erin smirked smugly. ″Don't lift the wrong shoe now, babe,″ she joked, wanting nothing more than seeing his face and grinning at him all innocent.

″Erin, Jay decided a lifetime ago,″ Kim laughed.

″He did?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows, her shoe joining her other up there that was held by Jay. Naturally, everyone cheered.

″Yo Linds, you really trained him right, eh?″ Kevin called.

″Yeah, he's a good kid. Quite easy,″ she winked at her colleague.

″I can't believe that you're still at a 100% even after the driving questions,″ Kim said in mock offense, shaking her head slightly. ″So let's try this one: who's the better shooter?″

Of course Erin wanted to be the better shooter but this didn't mean she actually was and there was no doubt that Jay was the best sniper in town and she bit her lip when she raised Jay's shoe, he raising his own as well because he knew that was something he was a tad bit better at than she was.

″Yeaaaahh, go Jay!″ Adam and Kevin cheered.

″Who's the more stubborn one?″ Mouse continued when all the laughters hushed.

Both Erin and Jay lifted their own shoe instantly, laughter erupting once again because they _finally_ had different opinions.

″So you both think you're the most stubborn one? Well, your relationship seems to be more interesting than we thought,″ Kim commented. ″Would die to know how two stubborn people actually decide on a compromise. Wanna give us any details?″

″No,″ Jay simply laughed. There wasn't something as a secret recipe. When they fought none of them was able to admit that they'd done something wrong and when they argued they always thought that they were right, and the atmosphere between them was tense for a while but in the end of the day, they _both_ realized that they'd acted stupid and apologized, made up, talked about it again and moved on.

″Too bad,″ Kim winked and after asking a few more questions that they _mostly_ answered unanimously, she asked: ″So let's talk about tomorrow instead: who'll be the first one to cry?″

″Definitely me,″ Jay said when they indeed both lifted his shoe and _aaawwww's_ were heard all around.

″He's a bit of a softie,″ Erin chuckled. It was hard to predict who would cry first because ever since she'd been pregnant she was more emotional than before, cried easier but she somehow knew that Jay would reach for his tissues first and that she could keep herself together for a bit longer.

″Okay, then let's go back to the past: who was the one making the first step?″ Mouse asked.

That was indeed a difficult one because they had so many things one could consider a first step. Like back in the days when they hadn't been allowed to date but she'd invited him for a beer at her place after a particular hard day anyway. When he'd held her hand after she told him her story of Hank taking her in. When he told her that they didn't work together anymore. Had this been the first step or had the first step been her showing up in front of his apartment? Or her kissing him on her couch for thanking him for never giving up on her? Or him kissing her at Molly's, out in public for the first time, as they've been together since then?

″This is difficult, but I would say...″ Erin said and lifted Jay's shoe up. All in all he'd made more first-step attempts. Apparently Jay's seen it similar as their guests clapped.

″I knew it,″ Hank grunted jokingly.

″Sorry Hank,″ Jay grinned mischievously. ″I couldn't stop trying until she was mine.″

″Who cares about rules anyway,″ Erin shrugged smirkingly.

″You two don't,″ Antonio laughed, speaking out what Hank thought. _Oh these dorks._

″Okay, next question: who initiated the first kiss?″

Jay lifted Erin's shoe, Erin lifted Jay's, everybody _uuuuuhhh-ing_ and _aaaaahhh-ing._

″You said it was me? Babe that was you,″ Erin chuckled. God, she wanted to see his face so badly right now.

″No no no, that was you,″ Jay laughed, this memory ever so vivid. Her standing in his apartment in her pantsuit, not wanting to talk about her rough day, her eyes showing him a different desire instead, their lips crashing together like magnets that couldn't be kept apart, their tongues dueling in each other's mouth.

″Well, I guess it was kind of the both of us,″ Erin said. This night had been magic and she didn't really care who'd kissed whom first because it had happened that night and that was all that mattered. This had been their first time. This had been the start of something more than just a game, feelings developing in a rapid and truely scary pace.

″Let's settle on that you both couldn't keep your lips away from each other,″ Mouse said before he continued with the next question. ″Who's wearing the pants in your relationship?″

If Jay was being completely honest with himself, it wasn't him and so he raised her shoe slowly, Erin lifting her own shoe all innocent as well. Of course everyone laughed once more. In fact, they haven't really stopped since this game started.

″I can't say I'm surprised,″ Kim commented laughingly. ″I know you guys'll want to kill us for this next question but we organized your party so that's the price you pay,″ she added, making sure that everyone listened attentively, Jay and Erin expecting the worst.

″Who's more insatiable when it comes to sex?″ she asked.

There it was: the one embarrassing question Erin has been waiting for. She felt her cheeks blush instantly, not feeling comfortable with the thought of giving anything so intimate away. But then again, it was just a game and it was really a shallow question, one they didn't have to give much away.

″Come on guys, don't be so shy,″ Mouse encouraged them.

″Alright,″ Jay sighed, lifting his own shoe, Erin lifting her shoe in the same moment.

″Uhlala,″ Adam laughed, the others murmuring and laughing as well.

″Seems like you both are insatiable,″ Kim smirked.

″Yeah, how can you not with a woman like her?″ Jay asked and Erin knew his eyes had the form of hearts right now. However, it didn't help her head from turning as red as an overripe tomato.

″Wanna comment on that, Erin?″ Mouse asked.

″Uhm...no...same,″ she spluttered, smiling sheepishly.

″Okay, now that we clarified that we can tell you that you survived the first part of this game,″ Mouse grinned, Erin and Jay letting out a small breath that there were no more questions of this category coming. But as this has only been the first part, worse things could and probably would still come.

At least they were allowed to put their shoes back on and to sit next to each other again, so their gazes could meet whenever they needed to find comfort in each other's eyes.

″So as detectives, you guys are always interrogating other's and you don't actually know how it feels to get interrogated yourselves. But this will change as of today,″ Kim explained.

″All you have to do is answering our questions, it's that easy,″ Mouse winked, placing his hand on Jay's shoulder.

″What kind of questions?″ Jay asked, turning his head to his best friend.

″Patience you must have, my young padawan,″ he smirked, squeezing his shoulder.

″Yes master Yoda,″ Jay laughed.

They both got drinks before it started, Jay a Long Lindsay Iced Tea and Erin a Frozen Halstead Daiquiri without alcohol and whatever was actually in there, it tasted delicious.

″Here we go then,″ Mouse said after they'd both taken a couple of sips, cheesy love songs now playing in the background. ″First one is for you Jay: what did you think when you saw Erin for the first time?″

There were soft giggles around them and Jay could tell that everyone was waiting for that answer and expected it to be something super romantic and yeah well, it was indeed a bit cheesy.

 _He stood in front of the 21st district, inhaling a couple of deep breaths so the nervous feeling in his stomach would hopefully detach. Today was his first day on his new job. His dream job to be precise. The job he's earned thanks to being shot during his undercover assignment. As of today he would work as a detective in Intelligence, the elite unit in Chicago everybody wanted to join. That he had to work under Hank Voight, without a doubt one of the most shady cops in the city, was something he simply had to take for this opportunity. He's heard stories and it was an open secret that he'd been in jail not long ago, so no doubt that he would question whichever of his actions that were questionable. Maybe not on his first day already. He wanted to stay in this unit longer than a minute after all. But he had his morals and he would stand up to them._

 _He walked up the stairs and opened the big double door, followed a couple more steps and opened another door, stepping into the precinct that didn't seem too busy this morning. He made his way right to the front desk, waiting for the desk sergeant coming over from her computer to ask him why he was here. However, she stayed back there, seemed to ignore him and instead kept on looking on the screen, her glasses low on her nose._

″ _Uhm, excuse me,″ he said, clearing his throat. Still no reaction from the grey-haired woman other than that she sipped on her coffee, so he tried it again, his fingertips thrumming against the wood of the desk nervously._

″ _Excuse me, Sergeant,″ he repeated his words, a little louder this time._

″ _You see I'm busy right?″ she asked, her voice way too bugged for it only being 7.30 in the morning and her shift most likely only having started._

″ _I don't actually,″ he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood but immediately regretting it as she shot him a death glare. Well, it seemed like it was best not to tangle with her._

″ _Young people, no patience at all,″ she said as she raised from her chair, adjusted her glasses and walked to her actual spot in front. ″What can I do for you, Chuckles?″_

 _Okay, that nickname would definitely disappear as soon as she knew that he was one of their own, that he was a cop as well, of course younger and of course she was outranking him but still, they were colleagues. Little did he know back then that this nickname was here to stay for eternity._

″ _I need to see Hank Voight...-″_

″ _Regarding?″ she interrupted him._

″ _I'm working in his unit as of today. Detective Jay Halstead,″ he introduced himself._

″ _Uh-huh,″ she nodded anything but impressed. ″If you go up there without doing the paperwork here downstairs before he'll kick you out of this unit before you can say Intelligence,″ she snorted, grabbed something from under her desk and handed it to him._

″ _You can sit down over there to fill them out,″ she said, pointing to the bench next to a small office. ″Fill them out legible. If there's only one letter I can't read I'll let you do it all again.″_

″ _Ooookay,″ Jay frowned, wondering whether she was fucking joking or not. Most probably she was not and this was her usual attitude. Sergeant Trudy Platt. For sure one to remember._

 _He took all the forms and the pen and sat down on the bench, starting to fill out this bureaucratic bullshit. 21st century but they still had to fill this out by hand instead of simply checking everything that was done beforehand and signing it at the bottom._

 _The cop and soldier he was, he naturally lifted his head whenever someone entered the precinct and stepped into the hall to check who he was surrounded with, so he didn't miss when_ **she** _walked in, wearing a red leather jacket, a white shirt, black jeans and boots, her star pinned on her belt. Her long brown waves fell down her back and for whatever reason she was smiling, the most adorable dimples displaying, the most perfect pearly whites revealed. He was sure_ **that** _smile could cure the world from all the bad things. For a moment he couldn't help but stare at her as he was sure she was one of the most beautiful women he's ever laid eyes on. It was Sergeant Platt's signature voice that brought him back to reality and he quickly gazed down at the papers again, hoping that no one's caught him staring at the beautiful brunette._

″ _Lindsay, good morning!″ Platt called, her voice suddenly super sweet and so absolutely different that Jay looked up again only to check whether it was the same person._

″ _Sergeant Platt, good morning,″ the brunette said, a hint of rasp in her voice. The most beautiful rasp he's ever heard._

Goddamn Jay, get your act together, _he thought. He didn't even know this woman, whose name apparently was Lindsay, but his brain acted out of control like it's never done before._

″ _How are you doing today?″ Platt asked. Jay's frown grew bigger. Had she really just ask someone else about their well-being? No doubt that the brunette, Lindsay, was something like the golden child of the district, probably loved by everyone._

″ _All good. Only hope to get something to do soon. I'm really not made for paperwork,″ she chuckled. There it was again, this rasp that somehow turned him on. As she was wearing plain clothes, he wondered whether she was working in Intelligence as well. Or maybe the Gang Unit? Or Narcotics?_

″ _Talking about paperwork,″ Platt said, motioning her head to him. ″There's a new kid in town for upstairs.″_

″ _Uh, okay,″ she said. ″Good to know,″ she added and turned around, walking straight into his direction._

″ _Hey,″ she said to him. He lifted his head, giving his best to act like he hasn't seen her before, or more truthfully, stared at her for the last two minutes._

″ _Hey,″ he said casually, placed the forms aside and got up._

″ _Lindsay, Intelligence,″ she said._

Holy shit, I'm really going to work with her, _he thought. Either this was going to be the best or the worst._

″ _Uhm, Jay,″ he said, reaching for her hand to shake it._

″ _Is that what they teach you at the academy nowadays? Going by first names?″ she frowned, chuckling a little, her statement letting Jay frown as well and because he was as perplex he didn't even notice how her eyes roamed his body._

″ _Actually not...but you went with Lindsay so I thought...″ he stammered. To be honest, he hadn't thought anything because his brain was not working at its best in her presence. He looked at her, into her perfect, flawless face, losing himself in her hazel-green eyes that shined like diamonds._

″ _Lindsay's my last name,″ she smirked, raising an eyebrow at him. Okay, Detective Lindsay probably invented eyebrow raises, no doubts. ″So let's do this properly again: Erin Lindsay,″ she smiled, reaching for his hand this time._

″ _Halstead. Jay Halstead,″ he said, smiling back faintly. Sure as hell the last time he'd felt like this was when he'd given Mary Sullivan a love letter in 6_ _th_ _grade._

″ _Alright Halstead, let's go upstairs,″ she said, motioning her head to the stairs._

″ _I can't. Have to fill out those forms first.″_ First full sentence without stammering like a complete moron, congrats Jay _, he thought._

″ _You can do that upstairs.″_

″ _I can?″ he asked confused, remembering Platt's words of how he needed to get everything done before she would buzz him up._

″ _Yeah, we have pens up there,″ she said, a hint of sass in her voice and she walked upstairs, Jay making sure he followed her quickly. ″Why would you even think that?″ she asked while keying in her code but she answered the question before he could. ″Oh wait, Platt told you, didn't she?″ she chuckled. Yep, Erin Lindsay's laugh was definitely one of his new favorite sounds in the world._

″ _Basically,″ he nodded._

″ _She likes to tease people all the time, tries to give them a hard time. You'll get used to it,″ she said lightly as they walk through the door._

″ _What about you? Doesn't seem like you're on the list of people she tries to give a hard time,″ he analyzed, walking up the stairs next to her._

″ _I guess there's an exception to everything,″ she winked, those dimples showing of again as she smiled at him and for a moment he felt paralyzed because deep down inside of him settled a feeling that this feisty, sassy girl was the woman of his dreams. He didn't know anything about her but he was fascinated by her whole appearance, eager to learn more, to get to know her better._

 _He watched her stepping into what he would soon learn was the bullpen, telling the others that the rookie was here, especially mentioning to Antonio that the kid he'd vouched for had already been Platt's victim this morning._

 **The kid**. _As if she was that much older than him. If she was older at all. But apparently she's been here for a while already or has at least known them all for a while, otherwise she wouldn't talk to them like this. He heard her joking about the possibility of having lost him on the stairs or him having fallen down backwards and only then he realized that he was still standing on that damn step like an idiot, thinking about a woman he's known for five minutes._

 _There was no doubt that Erin Lindsay has already invaded his head and when Hank Voight later told him that he was Erin's new partner he was sure that this was the best day in forever and without a doubt, for the first time in forever, he felt like he was somehow living again, his heart beating again, his life making a bit more sense again only because there was his partner, lighting up his world only with her presence. From this day on he got out of bed excitedly in the mornings, ready for a day full of car rides and busts and interrogations with her, a unknown joy he hasn't felt in a really, really long time, making a comeback..._

 **From this moment life has begun**

 **From this moment you are the one**

 **Right beside you is where I belong**

 **From this moment on**

″I thought...that's her,″ Jay said, smiling sheepishly. ″That's the woman of my dreams. She's the one.″

″You knew that right away?″ Mouse asked stunned. That was something even he hadn't known.

″Pretty much, yeah,″ he smirked, turning his head to Erin, her eyes sparkling suspiciously. He'd told her so many times how she'd changed his life right from the start, how she'd brought laughters and happiness back into his life when he'd thought there weren't such things anymore, how she'd saved him long before he saved her without her even knowing she did. But still, him saying something like this got her every damn time.

″Amazing,″ Mouse smiled, giving his friend a pat on the back.

″Okay, next question is for Erin,″ Kim said. ″What do you remember from your first day working with Jay?″

Frankly, she remembered everything about her first day with Jay and the funniest thing had maybe been the moment when he'd introduced himself and she'd tried to give him a hard time for going with his first name. But there was something else she remembered from their first day, something their whole partnership and trust was built on.

 _Thankfully she didn't have to fight with the mountain of paperwork all day as a new case popped up, meaning she and Jay would go to a crime scene as partners for the first time. Erin took the driver's spot in the 300, seeing in the corner of her eyes how Jay frowned by the fact that she didn't even ask him whether he wanted to drive._

Boy will learn the rules, _she thought smirkingly. The driver's seat was all hers and she wouldn't give that away only because she had a new partner now. A damn looking good one to be honest._

″ _So what did you do before?″ she asked when they drove to Englewood._

″ _I was a soldier,″ he answered shortly._

″ _Marines?″ she asked, stopping at a red light._

″ _Rangers.″_ _His voice was rough, different than before and he stared out of the window, trying to avoid her gaze._

″ _You saw action, didn't you?″ she asked quietly, carefully, though she already knew the answer._

″ _I did,″ he nodded and turned his head to her, something in his piercing blue eyes catching her off-guard. Suddenly he looked so vulnerable and broken and she knew instantly that he maybe had some demons he hasn't dealt with properly so far._

″ _I'm sorry,″ she apologized. ″Stupid question. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.″_

″ _It's okay.″ He shrugged it off like it was nothing when she actually knew that this was anything but nothing for him._

″ _I did three tours in Afghanistan, Korangal Valley,″ he said after a moment of silence, very much to her surprise. She hadn't expected him to tell her more and she even somehow wished he hadn't because she had no idea how to answer._

″ _This must've been hard,″ she said eventually. She's been through hell herself but she couldn't imagine living in a war zone, always expecting the worst, losing friends faster than one could make new ones, knowing that every day could be the last._

″ _Yeah it was. I saw and witnessed countless cruel things and did a lot of things myself I'm not...proud of...but that you have to do when you're on duty. It's not a time in my life I like to think back at,″ he confirmed and she didn't know why but for a moment she was sure he'd just told her more than he'd told anyone else in a really long time. She glanced at him, meeting his blue eyes and somehow hoping that her eyes could tell him what her mouth couldn't, that they could somehow give him the comfort he needed._

″ _Uhm, I don't think it gets any greener,″ he interrupted their little moment, the boyish smile returning to his face as he motioned his head to the traffic lights._

″ _Ouh,″ she exhaled and stepped on the gas, trying to play cool, her cheeks blushing into that kind of red that was all obvious nonetheless but Jay proved to be a gentleman and didn't say anything teasing although she knew he's recognized it very well. It seemed like he didn't want to mess with his new partner on the first day already._

 _It was late in the evening, all of them working overtime as the case required it, when Hank told them to vest up and prepare for a bust in some abandoned warehouse that seemed to be the home of a newly developed drug ring._

 _She was putting on her vest when Jay joined her. ″Let me help you,″ he said._

″ _I can do that alone, Halstead,″ she answered._

″ _Well, I'm your partner now and it's my job to make sure you're safe. That also includes checking your vest and helping you to get it on right,″ he explained, a smile tugging in the corners of his mouth, his eyes sparkling slightly. There was something about Jay Halstead that made her lose her words. And this usually never happened._

″ _Okay partner, do your job,″ she said casually, trying not to show him how much he was able to put her off her stride._

″ _See, that easy,″ he smirked and closed her vest on the shoulder and of course she helped him afterwards as well, because yeah, partners. Little did she know back then how much of routine this vesting up thing would become._

 _It was completely dark outside when they arrived at the location and Hank ordered Antonio and Jules to enter the warehouse from the left side while he and Al would take the front, which left the back side for Erin and Jay. She was taking the lead, her partner following close behind as they creeped through the warehouse, their weapons at arm-length, when suddenly everything happened too fast. A guy jumped out from behind a corner, firing at them in an desperate attempt to get out of the warehouse. Luckily neither Erin or Jay got hit, his shots way too imprecise, and Erin immediately took off, chasing after him, in the heat of the moment forgetting to clear the room first, a mistake she's never made before. She saw the guy, who was running fucking damn fast, right in front of her when she suddenly heard a shot. She stopped in her tracks, half expecting pain to occur somewhere in her body but there was none and her heart dropped to her knees when she realized that she'd just taken off to chase after the offender, without having cleared the room before and leaving her partner without backup._

 _She turned around slowly, afraid of what she would see, expecting Jay lying on the floor in his own blood and a second offender pointing a gun at her. She let out a breath she didn't know she's been holding when she saw her partner standing there, unharmed, and her gaze fell to the man on the floor, gunshot wound to the head, a gun lying next to him. She needed a moment to realize what had just gone down here. A second offender must've been hidden somewhere, following her when she'd followed the shooter ever so headless, his finger most probably already on the trigger to kill her, when Jay had pulled the trigger before to kill the offender and save his partner's life._

 _Their gazes met, their eyes wide in shock, Erin's heart beating unhealthy in her chest. This had been a close call and she'd brought their both lives in jeopardy with her reckless behavior._

″ _We should...″ she stammered, intending to say that they should follow the suspect._

″ _He's directly running into Antonio's and Jules's arms, no worries,″ he answered, closing the gap between them. ″You alright?″ he asked, concern in his eyes._

″ _Yeah, I guess...″ she nodded, inhaling a deep breath. ″Thank you,″ she said quietly, managing to look directly into his eyes._

″ _That's why you have backup,″ he answered softly, trying to make it sound light, and bumped his fist against her shoulder. He called something into his radio, probably telling the others that the offender was coming their way, but she couldn't really focus on what he was saying._

That's why you have backup. _These words somehow stuck with her. He hadn't yelled at her, scolded her for being that stupid and risk both of their lives, giving her a lecture that they could both be dead now because of her actions. He'd just simply told her those words all honest, like he meant it with all his heart, like the only thing he cared about was that she was fine, unharmed and him not being pissed that she'd almost got them both killed._

 _One day with her new partner and he'd already saved her life and it was in that moment that she realized that she could and would trust Jay Halstead with her goddam life. And for someone who usually needed a lot of time to build up trust, this was quite the step. Only that with him it was different, not just because he'd just saved her from getting shot in the back, but also because Jay Halstead himself, as a man, was so different, fascinatingly different, than the men she's known so far..._

 **From this moment life has begun**

 **From this moment you are the one**

 **Right beside you is where I belong**

 **From this moment on**

″He saved my life that day,″ Erin said, some of their guests gasping quietly. There weren't many that knew this story. In fact, it were only Al, Antonio and Hank, the latter having given her a huge telling-off later that night. ″One day in and my partner already proved why I needed him. When I thanked him for saving my ass, he only said: that's why you have backup. And these words somehow became our quote,″ she smiled.

″You guys really have some lovestory,″ Kim smiled.

″Talking about love,″ Mouse took over. ″Jay, when did you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with her?″

That one was easy because he could remember this day like it had been yesterday. He'd definitely known earlier that he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, that this wasn't only just some game, some flirt, than she had.

 _She was sleeping all snuggled up to his chest, his arm wrapped around her tiny frame almost possessively because he didn't want to let her go ever again, her hand loosely lying across his torso told him that she probably felt the same. He was super thirsty, needed to rehydrate, but he didn't want to leave her just yet, wanted to hold her for a bit longer. He looked down into her peaceful, perfect face and even in the dimmed light of the bedroom she looked like an absolute angel and he still couldn't believe what had happened in these last few hours. That she'd showed up in front of his apartment, looking for comfort and distraction and finding it both in him. They hadn't danced around the inevitable for too long, their lips crashing and bodies melting like their lives depended on it._

 _The first round had been nothing but hot, driven by their impatience of having had to wait for each other for so long. Round two had followed shortly after but everything had been much slower and more delicate, they'd taken the time to explore each other's bodies, had driven each other nuts with their fingers and tongues before they'd lost themselves in each other for a second time. They'd worn each other out with those two rounds and despite it only being around 10.30, they'd both fallen asleep._

 _While Erin was still sleeping, making the cutest noises from time to time, he'd woken up after only an hour of slumber a couple minutes ago because he needed to assure himself that this hadn't only been the most beautiful dream someone could ever have. And when he'd indeed realized that her weight was still on his chest, that he was still holding the woman of his dreams in his arm, he'd decided that he never wanted to wake up to anything different again other than Erin Lindsay lying in his bed, all snuggled up to him, her hair fawned out on the pillow and his bare shoulder, the sweet smell of raspberry invading his nostrils whenever he kissed the top of her head. He wanted this kind of perfection for the rest of his life and he was pretty damn sure after only one night with her he was head over heels in love with her..._

 **From this moment I have been blessed**

 **I live only for your happiness**

 **And for your love I give my last breath**

 **From this moment on**

 **I give my hand to you with all my heart**

 **I can't wait to live my life with you I can't wait to start**

 **You and I will never be apart**

 **My dreams came true because of you**

″The first time I woke up next to her,″ Jay answered softly and this time probably everyone could see his heart-eyes as they were all evident. ″That's when I decided she's the only woman I want to wake up next to for the rest of my life.″

″Well, with that you probably just melted every heart of every woman in here,″ Mouse laughed.

″Ey, he melted ours as well,″ Adam laughed, placing his hand on his chest dramatically.

″Always knew you're a softie as well, Adam,″ Jay winked.

″Most days,″ Kim grinned, raising her eyebrows at her boyfriend. ″But back to the game: Erin, when did you realize you love him?″

Love was such a big word. One she'd always been afraid of. She'd never allowed herself to completely fall for someone, being afraid of what those feelings would do to her. She'd never wanted to depend on someone that much. For a while she'd tried to lock these feelings for him deep down inside of her, not allowing them to come up. But if she was being honest with herself, she'd fallen for him way before she'd first told him those three little words. Way way way before.

″ _You want a beer as well?″ she asked him from the kitchen right after they'd walked into her apartment, Jay already falling onto the couch, his phone in his hands to order deep dish pizza so they could enjoy an evening with take-out, beer and some game, and with Nadia studying for her exams with a friend and then sleeping at her place, they could even act like the couple they were, kissing, cuddling and her cocooning herself in his arms and not worrying that they would get caught._

″ _What a question,″ he laughed._

″ _Alright,″ she answered, grabbing two bottles of their favorite beer. ″You need another ice pack for your groin?″ She couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped from her lips. Today had been the funniest low day in ages, them not having a case but having to do that stupid taser certification. Naturally she'd been the one to tase him, not holding back from tasing him in the groin. By now she kinda regretted it because it meant they couldn't go for their usual evening routine tonight but for the look on his face it's been worth it. And she would for sure never forget how his blue orbs had widened in shock when she'd really gone for his groin with the taser, much to everyone's fun. He'd spent the rest of the day walking around with a freaking ice pack but of course he'd generously volunteered when it came to tasing her. Given the fact that her pelvis still hurt a little, she was sure that Jay still didn't feel too comfortable and this evening would not end with them losing themselves in each other but maybe just with cuddling and him complaining how she's killed his balls._

″ _Funny,″ he half-complained and she closed the fridge to join him, leaning over the back of the couch from behind, her lips brushing against his ear._

″ _You know,″ she whispered. ″Just wanted to make sure that it doesn't take too long until everything down there works properly again,″ she smirked mischievously, her voice all husky as she brushed her lips along his earlobe._

″ _How nice of you,″ he breathed out._

″ _I know,″ she chuckled, walked around the couch to place the beers on the small table and then left him alone for a second to change into yoga pants, knowing exactly that her husky words had probably been enough to send him close to losing it and just not giving a fuck about the fact that they probably really shouldn't have sex tonight._

″ _Hey Erin,″ he called from the living room when she pulled a hoody over her head. ″You want your pizza as usual? Mushrooms, pepperoni, garlic and double cheese?″_

 _Of course Jay Halstead already knew by heart how she liked her pizza best. It was something so simple but yet it made her heartbeat quicken because for the very first time she felt like a man really cared about her and was paying attention to the smallest details. For the first time it wasn't all about sex though of course they had that a lot and it was_ great _. For the first time she felt truly loved. Not for what she could give a man but for who she was as a person. He accepted her the way she was and always looked at her like she was the only woman in the whole damn world. With him, everything was so different, because he was different. So gentle, attentive, protective, loving, caring. All these attitudes none of the guys she'd used to run with had. In fact they hadn't had even one of these attitudes. And although it was scaring the crap out of her, if she was being absolutely honest with herself, she knew she's been fallen head over heals in-._

″ _Er?″ Jay calling her by her nickname interrupted her thoughts. Her nickname. This was yet another thing that made her heart skip a beat. No one has ever given her a nickname before and she hadn't even thought there was a possibility to shorten her name but him calling her by her nickname, those simple two syllables, was the most beautiful sound in the world and she would never get enough of it._

″ _Uhm, yeah, the usual,″ she managed to say. She sat down on the edge of the bed, putting on a pair of cozy socks before pulling her hair into a messy bun and padding back to the living room._

″ _Pizza should be here in 30 minutes,″ he said when she dropped on the couch next to him. He pulled her into his embrace and she rested her head on his chest, losing her senses in his unique scent that attracted her so damn much._

″ _Perfect,″ she murmured, enjoying how his hand traveled up and down her spine. ″You know, we could never finish that talk about Wisconsin...″_

″ _Huh?″ he asked. ″I thought we agreed that it's a nice thought.″_

″ _We did,″ she answered, her fingers tracing lazy circles onto his abdomen. ″But you didn't tell me when you want to take me there to show it to me.″_

″ _You want to go there?″ he asked surprised. She lifted her head and looked at him, his blue eyes sparkling at her with so much love and she brushed her lips against his lips softly._

″ _Yeah,″ she said afterwards, a smile spreading over her face. ″You know, maybe I don't like it. So I have to check before I agree on living in northern Wisconsin,″ she joked. Though it wasn't a joke. The words had tumbled out of her mouth this morning without her really thinking about it. It had indeed sounded like a joke, like their usual flirty banter. But afterwards, when she'd realized what she just said and when she'd thought about her words, she'd realized that it had been anything but a joke and that she could really imagine to grow old with this handsome man whose eyes were sparkling like diamonds when he talked about this cabin in the middle of nowhere. It had terrified her at first, having these kind of thoughts as she usually wasn't one for commitment. But there was something about Jay Halstead that wanted her to toss all her issues overboard and instead allow herself to fall for him completely. After six weeks of having this affair, relationship or whatever it was between them._

″ _I can't wait,″ Jay whispered and this time it was on him to kiss her. And when their lips melted in a passionate kiss, like they were made for this, she realized that she was the luckiest girl in the world that she was the one he kissed ever so soft and all the thoughts from when she'd been in the bedroom a couple minutes earlier came up again. Only this time she was able to finish them, to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, she was a little bit in love with Jay Halstead..._

 **You're the reason I believe in love**

 **And you're the answer to my prayers from up above**

 **All we need is just the two of us**

 **My dreams came true because of you**

 **From this moment, as long as I live**

 **I will love you, I promise you this**

 **There is nothing I wouldn't give**

 **From this moment on**

″It was something that settled over a long period of time and I needed a while, like forever, until I was able to _tell_ him that I love him,″ Erin said, her cheeks blushing. ″But _realizing_ that I love this dork?″ she chuckled and looked at him, his soft smile giving her comfort to go on and share a bit more.

″That happened _so_ early on that it honestly scared the crap out of me. In fact it happened while drinking a beer and watching some game and talking about pizza and Wisconsin, six weeks into us dating secretly,″ she admitted. ″That's when I realized I've never felt like this before.″

″And suddenly this whole marrying in Wisconsin thing makes sense,″ Kim concluded, smiling at the couple.

Neither Erin nor Jay have seen it from that point of view before but with Kim speaking it out loud, it hit them that she was right. Wisconsin had a special meaning to them in so many ways and with marrying here, they've come full circle...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! The big moment will come in the next chapter ;)**


	64. I Do

**Here it comes, the chapter you've been waiting for ;) Enjoy!**

* * *

 **64\. I Do**

 _~ Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale ~_

 _29 July 2017_

Tying your tie was quite the challenge when your hands were a bit shaky, when your heart pounded in your chest nervously, excitedly and definitely anything but healthy, and butterflies that propbably had the sizes of helicopters flew around in your stomach. Jay was currently on the third attempt of tying his light silver tie properly but he could already tell that the result wouldn't meet his requirements again.

They still had more than one-and-a-half hours until the ceremony would start, so more than enough time to get the problem with the tie fixed, but his nervousness was reaching dangerous levels by now. Today was the day. The day he would marry the love of his life. The day he hadn't thought would ever come a couple years back because after coming back home from fighting a war and losing too many friends he hadn't believed that he would ever be allowed to be truly happy again, that he would find this one girl that changed his life for the better, that made him feel like living in some fairytale. The day he's anticipated from the moment she'd said yes to his proposal back in December. The day he's been waiting for forever. In about two hours Erin Lindsay would be Erin Halstead and he would be a married man, a husband. If someone had told him four years back, when he'd first met her, or even one year back, when they'd only learned about her unplanned pregnancy, that they would say _I_ _do_ four years respectively one year later he would never have believed a single word, would have said that it was a nice thought, a nice dream and nothing more. But here they were, at Lake Geneva, only a heartbeat away from giving each other a promise for a lifetime.

″Jay, let me do that,″ Mouse said into the silence of their hotel room, his duty as best man calling. He's been sitting on the bed calmly, has watched his best friend struggling with his tie but he's figured Jay wouldn't get this done in a hundred attempts today, so it was time for him to take over before he would strangle himself or whatever else he would probably do in his current state.

″Not the worst idea,″ Jay answered, opening the failed knot again so the tie hung loosely around his neck.

″Yeah, I bet,″ Mouse laughed and started to work on the tie. He didn't even need two minutes and the tie was around his neck, the knot as perfect as possible.

″Wow,″ Jay said impressed when he took a look in the mirror in front of them. ″How did you even do that?″ he asked. Tying your own tie was already quite the challenge but tying someone else's tie was a complete different challenge because you had to do it the other way around than you usually did. Women could do that because they were used to tying their men's ties from time to time, but men? For them it was already hard enough to get it done one way around.

″You know, I sensed you might need help today, so I practised it with Sarah,″ he smiled, giving him a pat on the shoulder, his hand resting there for a moment as they both looked at their imagines in the mirror.

″Damn man, look at these two super rad and super handsome men,″ Mouse laughed, shaking his head slightly. They made indeed quite the duo in their black dress pants, white button-downs, Jay wearing a silver tie, Mouse a light blue one, their usually unruly hair neatly done, some soft stubbles covering Jay's jaw. This was how Erin liked it best and he also didn't like it all shaved so he'd decided that a little bit of stubble was okay, even on a day like today.

″They look good, don't they?″ Jay joked.

″Hell yes they do,″ Mouse winked. ″I'm so happy for you Jay,″ he added, turning away from staring into the mirror and pulled his best friend into a hug.

″Thank you brother,″ Jay said, adding after ending the hug: ″And thank you for being here with me today. For last night. For last weekend. For everything. _Everything,_ ″ he made sure to repeat this last word because there were so many things he had to thank him for. Things they usually didn't talk about, like Mouse saving Jay's life back in Afghanistan or in general all things that had to do with the time overseas and the time after, coming home to a new life that didn't feel worth living. Things they didn't have to talk about because only Jay emphasizing this one word was enough for Mouse to understand what he meant and there was no need for any other words.

″You deserve that so much,″ Mouse answered. He had so many reasons to thank him for as well, so it's been a pleasure and a honor to be involved in everything regarding Jay's and Erin's special day.

″But before we both start to cry and ruin our make-up,″ he joked, the laughter returning, ″how about we get you ready and our asses out of here?″

″We probably should,″ Jay chuckled nervously.

″Let's do it then,″ Mouse nodded and helped him to get into his black suit coat. The only thing they still had to do then was attaching the boutonière, a white rose.

″I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to say that but you look gorgeous,″ Mouse smiled at him.

″I take it as a compliment,″ Jay grinned. ″Though I'm not sure whether I'll still look that gorgeous once we're at the venue because I'll probably melt.″

″Oh come on, we drive there with that fancy car of yours,″ Mouse laughed. ″So no worries, I'll make sure that we turn that thing into some place even polar bears would enjoy.″

″Well, that sounds charming.″

″Uh-huh,″ Mouse nodded. ″You ready to go then?″

Jay inhaled a deep breath, took another proving look into the mirror and exhaled again. ″Yes, I am.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin's brown-blonde hair fell down over her shoulders in the most beautiful, soft waves, only a few strands pinned back with some pearls in some sort of loose braids on both sides of her head to complete her bridal hairstyle perfectly, adding shine and texture without overwhelming the look. Her make-up was subtle, of course a little more than usual, but still all her and all natural and though there wasn't exactly much eyeshadow on her lids, it let her eyes shine greener than usual, the slight sparkle in them coming from her excitement and emotionality without a doubt.

The make-up artist and hair stylist was still here, in case they needed her again, but she was done and there was only one thing left to do for Erin: slipping into her wedding dress that lay on the bed, waiting for her to finally wear it.

″You ready?″ Kim asked her. Her maid of honor looked absolutely stunning in her dark purple dress, her hair pinned back into some loose bun, her make-up also done by the make-up artist.

″I guess so,″ she smiled back and got up to take off her robe and let Kim help her getting into the dress she would only wear once in a lifetime. Today.

″Erin?″ she heard Olivia's voice calling from outside the bedroom before she stripped her robe completely.

″Come on in,″ Erin called back and fixed the knot around her waist again.

″You look...wow,″ Olivia smiled when she stepped into the room, her eyes falling on Erin instantly. ″And you're not even wearing that dress yet.″

″Eriiiin,″ Noah smiled and ran to her.

″Hey buddy,″ she said and got down on her knees.

″You look nice,″ the little boy giggled, his eyes roaming her hair and her face in awe.

″Why thank you,″ Erin smiled, her cheeks blushing from getting a compliment from a 3-year-old. ″You're looking just as nice.″ Noah looked absolutely adorable in his dark blue suit pants, his white shirt and the matching bow-tie around his neck, his brown hair neatly done with the tiniest bit of hair gel.

″I do,″ he nodded and giggled, making the three women in the room laugh with his statement.

″You know why I messaged your mom to come up here with you?″ she asked him, her voice turning into a whisper.

″No,″ he whispered as well, his eyes widening as he thought she was going to tell him a secret.

″I wanted to ask you whether you can do something super special for me today. Something only you and Danny are allowed to do out of all people here,″ she said and she could totally see the excitement in his face. ″You want to be my flower boy today when I walk down the aisle? Throwing all the petals in the air?″ This idea had occured in the morning, when they all, minus Jay and the guys because they strictly followed that tradition of not seeing each other, had been at breakfast together and she'd watched the oldest two boys running around and playing with each other. Emilia was naturally too young to be their flower girl but what would be better than these two cute little boys doing the job and melting their guests hearts with throwing the petals of white roses and being their goofy little selfs?

″Yes yes yes,″ Noah beamed. ″I want I want I want.″

″You're the best. Thank you so much, Noah,″ Erin smiled and pressed a kiss against his cheek.

″Mommy did you hear it?″ he asked excitely when he turned around to face his mother.

″I did,″ Liv smiled at her son. ″You'll do the best job little gentleman.″

They talked through some more details, how the first few minutes of the ceremony were supposed to happen and when Noah's and Danny's big performance would be and Liv assured them she would give all the instructions to Justin and Olive so they could try to tell their 2-year-old what he had to do. And even if it was going to be a chaos, it would still be endlessly cute.

After Liv and Noah had left, it was time for Erin to finally get into her wedding dress before they would run short of time. When she slipped into the white dream carefully it felt even more magical than it had when she'd tried it for the first time because today was the day Jay would finally see her wearing it and from the way her heart was pounding in her chest she wondered whether she would even survive this day or simply pass out somewhen as her heart couldn't take all the excitement and nervousness.

Kim closed the lace on her back and helped her to put a simple, silver necklace around her neck, compatible to her earrings. She slipped into her white heels – she'd seriously discussed to just wear some flats as no one would barely see them anyway but the girls had talked her out of it - and last but not least Kim handed her the bridal bouquet, a dream of white roses, perfectly fitting to everything else.

″Oh my God Erin, you look incredible,″ Kim whispered, scanning her from head to toes, her eyes sparkling suspiciously. Everyone was a tad bit over-emotional today.

Erin took a few steps so she could see her own image in the giant mirror and when her eyes fell on herself, she needed a moment to realize that it was her imagine that was reflecting as she could barely believe it. The dress combined with her hair and the make-up was beyond her wildest dreams. When she was a little child, around six years old, and had disappeared in fantasy worlds about princesses and fairytales to escape the violent and triste life she lived in, she'd always dreamed to marry a prince one day and wear the most beautiful princess dress. Nowadays she was far away from wanting to be a princess but she couldn't help but admit that her very own fairytale has come true anyway.

″I bet Jay will faint,″ Kim said, sensing that her best friend wasn't able to say anything.

″Well,″ Erin said, her voice hoarse and so she cleared her throat, a smile tugging in the corners of her mouth. ″If he waits with fainting until after we exchanged our vows I'm okay with it. Because I don't wanna do that all again.″

″Fair point,″ Kim laughed.

″Thank you for everything Kim,″ Erin said, looking at their images in the mirror. ″You did so much for me these last few months and I couldn't have done that without you.″

″You're one of the greatest persons I've ever known,″ Kim smiled before they both hugged. ″And I would be your maid of honor again anytime but I'm glad to know that there won't be another time you need one,″ she whispered into her ear.

″Maybe you need one. One day,″ Erin winked.

″Maybe I do,″ Kim nodded. ″And when the day comes I know who I'm going to ask.″

″Wise decision,″ she smirked mischievously. ″Because you know, that would be payback time for some certain games last night.″

″Hey, they were harmless. Mostly,″ Kim giggled. ″You should've seen all the other games we discussed.″ There had been two more games last night but neither of them had been especially embarrassing. They'd tried to keep mostly everything within a circle where Erin and Jay still felt comfortable. Of course there had been some exceptions, some must-haves that a party like this couldn't go without.

Shortly before Hank arrived a couple minutes later, Erin moved her sparkling engagement ring from her finger on the left hand to her finger on the right hand. It was the most important piece of jewelry she's ever owned and without a doubt she's never worn another piece of jewelry with more pride than the ring Jay Halstead has given her seven months ago. By the end of the day, or more honest, in not even an hour, there would be another piece of jewelry she would wear with even more pride and never take off again. This little emblem of love, her wedding band. The same that Jay would wear as well. A simple silver ring, hers with three small diamonds and an engraving on the inside, Jay's with only the engraving.

″Erin?″ she heard Hank's raspy voice from outside the door and her heart sunk to her knees because the man who's become her father all those years ago would be the first man to see her in her dress. Plus, he was here to walk her down the aisle, which meant that the moment was already here.

″Can I let him in?″ Kim asked.

Erin inhaled a deep breath of air. ″Yeah.″

Kim opened the door and Hank stepped into the room, looking fancier than ever. Black suit, white shirt, dark blue tie with a plain pattern. Naturally, his eyes fell on the woman he considered his daughter instantly and he let out a sharp breath when he saw her silhouette, tears suddenly welling in his eyes out of nowhere, a faint but ever so proud smile spreading over his face.

″Don't you dare to cry,″ Erin whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat down and trying to keep her tears at bay. The last thing they needed was doing her make-up again but hell was it difficult to keep them back.

″Can't promise,″ Hank managed to say, his voice as emotional as seldom before and he crossed the room to close the gap between them.

″Kiddo you look...you're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. And I think even Camille would agree on that,″ he said and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″Wherever she is right now, I know she's looking down on you and smiling so, so big,″ he added and with those words, Erin wrapped her arms around him and buried her face on his shoulder as much as she could without ruining her make-up and hair.

This was one of days Camille Voight had wanted to experience so badly, they both knew that. Erin's wedding day. Just like Justin's wedding day. And the birthdays of her grandkids. But cancer had robbed them all of celebrating these days with the most warmhearted woman Erin has ever known, of them crying together in happiness, of Camille running around, being the proud mother, being all excited about this big day, about Erin marrying the love of her life, that kind of man Camille had always prayed Erin would find one day, that would make her toss all her issues overboard.

″I wish she was here today,″ Erin whispered, still giving her best to hold back the tears.

″She is, Erin,″ Hank said. ″Just in a different way. You carry her in your heart, I carry her in my heart, Justin carries her in his heart. She's here through her grandkids, she's here as the sun that's shining from the sky, as the wind that's breezing through the air. She wouldn't miss this day for anything.″

″She wouldn't,″ Erin agreed, smiling faintly at him.

″You ready to go then?″ he asked, offering her his arm. ″Or did you change your mind? I'm sure I can help you to find a way out of here,″ he smirked smugly, enducing a real laughter from her.

″Yeah, you wish,″ she chuckled.

″I don't actually,″ Hank grinned. ″You belong with that nervous wreck that's waiting for you down there by the lake.″

″So I shouldn't let the poor guy wait any longer, eh?″

″If you don't want him to have a heart attack, no,″ he answered casually.

″Then,″ she breathed out and reached for his arm. ″Walk me down the aisle, _dad_.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Every ten seconds, Jay's eyes wandered to the cabin by the woods, checking whether he could catch a glimpse on Erin so he wouldn't miss one single second of her appearance. Hank had gone inside ten minutes ago, so they should walk out any second by now but so far there was no one to be seen. Their guests, all dressed in the most beautiful and colorful dresses and fancy suits, were all already sitting on their chairs left and right from the aisle, that was decorated with white roses, and excited chatters filled the air. Justin and Olive and Lydia and Nick as well as Natalie tried to keep their energetic sons in check so their adorable suits wouldn't be covered with grass stains before the ceremony even started. Noah was the most well-behaved boy, sitting in his mother's lap, probably the phone he played with doing its job, and baby Henry was sleeping in his stroller, hopefully through the duration of the ceremony.

And then there was Emilia, their little princess, sitting in the first row in Susan's lap, currently being occupied with one of her favorite toys, being completely oblivious to the importance of this day for her parents. She was dressed in the most adorable aquamarine dress, a special design made by the woman who'd also made Erin's dress how he'd learned, and was wearing the fitting shoes, her strands of light brown hair shining in the late afternoon sun.

″Man, keep cool,″ Mouse said when Jay checked the time on his watch for the hundreth time. 5.01pm.

″Trying,″ he answered shortly, watching the second hand turning.

″She's always late, we learned that yesterday,″ he laughed, remembering how during the shoe-game, Erin had admitted that she was the one usually running late while Jay was always on time.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay only nodded in response.

″She's coming buddy,″ he said, giving him a pat on the back.

″I know,″ he answered, still focusing on his watch like he waited for the time faster run faster.

″No, I meant she _is_ coming,″ Mouse repeated his words, only this time he got the message.

He lifted his head slowly, knowing how very special this moment was going to be, and even though she was still far away and he couldn't see much more than a woman in a white dress accompanied by a man, time stood still in that moment. There she was. In a wedding dress. The woman of his dreams. His savior. His addiction. His lover. His fiancée. His very very soon-to-be wife.

A murmur went through the crowd when they saw her as well and they all got up from their chairs as the pianist and singer started to play and sing _Thank You For Loving Me_ by Bon Jovi. Because yeah, they had a pianist/singer, a professional photographer and all. This was a once-in-a-lifetime thing so they've wanted this day to be perfect.

His eyes never left her as she slowly made her way towards them and when she stopped and looked up to the sky for a moment he knew exactly what she was looking for, or better, whom she was giving a silent hello. Camille and Nadia. Two of the people who could only look down from above today instead of celebrating their wedding with them. Two of the people who were dearly missed, especially on a day like today. The first thing he'd done earlier, when they'd arrived here, was looking up to the blue skies, making sure his mother and grandfather were here, smiling down at him from above, being absolutely delighted for him and being there for him today even though not in person.

The closer Erin came, the more Jay had the feeling to fall over as his heart couldn't take it, his knees weak, having the consistency of flummery. She looked beyond beautiful and stunning, there were actually no appropriate words in his vocabulary but all the wows and aaaws and oowws summed it up pretty damn good. Her hair, her smile, the dress, it was absolute perfection. This was so much more than he's ever dreamed of and their eyes only focussed on each other like there were no other people around them.

″Breathe buddy, just breathe,″ Mouse murmured to his friend, reminding him to not forget this essential thing that kept him standing.

Laughters erupted when Noah and Daniel came running to Erin, asking her whether they were finally allowed to do their secret job. Erin's laugh was even more angelic when she told them yes and the two boys proudly walked in front of them to throw the petals. For a moment, Jay turned his eyes away to watch the two boys in their suits being completely in their element, before he lifted his gaze again so he could soak this moment in and now as she was this close, he couldn't hold back some tears from falling and reached for his tissues, everbody aaah-ing and oooh-ing once again, big smiles plastered on their faces.

By the time they reached the end of the aisle, his tears were dried though still sparkling in his eyes, just like in Erin's and they stopped walking, Jay taking a few steps towards her. Hank removed his arm and gave her a kiss on the forehead before turning his attention to Jay.

″Just keep on being you, Jay,″ he said hoarsely. Jay's never heard his voice like this before, so emotional and vulnerable. Hank Voight giving his daughter to another man was obviously something that wasn't all easy for him.

″I will,″ he assured him.

Hank nodded and stepped back to take his place in the first row and Jay took Erin's hand so they could take the remaining few steps together.

″You look so _so_ beautiful,″ he whispered.

″You too,″ she whispered back smirkingly. All the way down the aisle she hadn't been able to turn her eyes away from him as he'd been standing there in his suit, the lake behind him, the sun shining at him from the side, exactly like she'd imagined, only that seeing him like this had given her a lot more emotions than she'd expected and when he'd reached for his tissues she'd almost lost it as well. For the sake of her make-up she'd miraculously managed to keep the tears, that had threatened to fall down her cheeks, back.

Everyone took their seats, the voices hushed and then it was time for the marriage registrar to begin to speak.

″We are gathered here today, friends and family of the bridal couple, at this beautiful place to witness and celebrate Erin and Jay entering the bond of matrimony...″ He continued to talk, about all the things Erin and Jay had discussed with him beforehand, and about love and loyalty and marriage and respect and affection and trust but neither of them was a complete, attentive listener today. They were occupied with staring at each other, losing themselves in each other's eyes, smiling at each other brighter than ever before, just soaking the other in.

″So who gives Erin to be married today?″ he asked and this question brought them both back to reality.

″I do,″ Hank answered as they both turned their heads to him, giving him appreciative smiles and Hank smiling back at them. The woman he considered his daughter has found her match and so he could give her to Jay Halstead all happy and all proud.

″If there be anyone present who may show just and lawful cause why this couple may not be legally wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace,″ the registrar said, continuing by looking at Jay after a moment of silence.

″Do you Jay Halstead, take Erin Lindsay to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and in woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto her for as long as you both shall live?″

″I do,″ Jay smiled at her, his heart-eyes once more sparkling with all the love, his thumb stroking over her fingers.

The registrar nodded and gazed to Erin.

″Do you Erin Lindsay, take Jay Halstead to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and in woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto him for as long as you both shall live?″

Erin inhaled a deep breath, fighting against her emotions once more. ″I do,″ she smiled.

Once again the registrar nodded. ″Then it's now time for your own chosen vows. Jay,″ he smiled at him.

Jay inhaled a deep breath and for a moment the only noise was the clicking of the camera that captioned all these unforgettable moments. He'd worked on his vows for so long, had perfected them over the last few weeks and now was the time he could finally tell her.

″Erin.″ He breathed her name out like it was the only word in his vocabulary. ″You're my best friend. The one I can always count on to pick me up when times are bad. To share my joy when times are good. And to tell me I'm an idiot on the rare occasions that it might be true.″ He made a short pause as there were lots of laughters for that statement, Erin chuckling slightly as well, tears looming in her beautiful hazel orbs.

″But much more you are the one person who brought joy and happiness back into my life when I started to wonder what these things even are and how they feel. Being with you, suddenly everything has made sense and I feel like I'm home after wandering around for too long. You are the piece of me that's always been missing and now I'm complete.″ He swallowed down his emotions that came with some single tears sliding down her cheek.

″Erin, I promise to remember that neither one of us is perfect. But I will strive to remind myself of the ways we are perfect for each other. I promise to cherish you. To laugh with you. To protect you. To love you. Not from this day forward, because I've always loved you. I promise I will continue to love you, in good times and in bad, in sadness and in joy, with everything that I have to give, completely and forever. And for the rest of my life I'll ask myself how I ever got to be so blessed.″ He looked at her for another moment, gave her this kind of enamored smile, before he turned around to Mouse to take the ring from him and slipped it over Erin's finger, the silver band with the small diamonds never going to leave her finger again from this moment on.

Erin needed another moment before she was able to tell him her vows and she inhaled a deep breath that would hopefully help to get her emotions under control.

″Jay,″ she said. ″You're my best friend,″ she smiled as they'd chosen the exact same first words for their vows, ″my partner, my back-up, my rock, my hero, my lover. And from the day we met, thanks to you, I've got to fly. The girl with the rough past...who was always so scared to even dream that she could ever be truly happy, let alone think that it might come true. But now I've got the fairytale wedding and I'm blessed to marry the love of my life,″ she said, her voice almost breaking in between, tears sparkling in his crystal blue eyes.

″Jay, you accepted me beyond all my issues and beyond my past, you never gave up on me but you have instead been here to stay from day one to have my back, to look out for me, to protect me, to make sure I'm alright, to make me feel complete. You understand me in a way no one else can and sometimes I have the feeling you know me better than I know myself. You catch me before I fall. You are the reason I get through my hardest days. You give me strength. You give me hope. You support me. You push me to be my very best. You love me even harder during the hard times. You are everything and more I could have ever dreamed of." She inhaled a deep breath, smiling up at him through the tears that were looming in her eyes.

″With my whole heart, I take you as my husband, acknowledging and accepting your faults and strengths, as you do mine, promising to continue to love you through sunshine and thunderstorms, through heat and cold, through hard times and really hard times and good times and really good times. Forever.″ Some tears were running down his beautiful face and before she would stand there and cry with him she turned around to Kim to take the ring and then slid the silver piece of jewelry over his finger with shaky hands.

″Got it,″ Erin chuckled when the ring was finally where it belonged, having found its place for eternity.

The registrar smiled at them once more as did their guests, most of them also having this suspicious sparkle in their eyes, their beautiful vows bringing tears to their eyes.

″By the authority vested in me by the State of Wisconsin I now pronounce you husband and wife,″ he said.

On 29 July 2017 at 5.28pm Jay became Erin's husband and Erin became Jay's wife, the two of them officially united for eternity, their forever starting in that very moment.

″Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: Mr and Mrs Halstead,″ he said, finally adding. ″Jay, you may kiss your bride.″

″'Bout time,″ he smirked and he leaned down to melt his lips with hers in their first kiss as a married couple. And though they've felt each other's lips a hundred thousand times before, this one was more special, more intimate, more meaninful than all the kisses they'd shared before. The crowd was cheering for them, naturally watching the couple sharing this 'first' kiss, the both of them taking full advantage of this kiss, needing a little more time to break the kiss than they usually would when everyone was watching. They turned to their cheering and laughing family afterwards, smiling ever so bright and glowing in happiness and love, and Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulder so he could pull her closer and press another kiss on her temple. Erin was his wife now and he would maybe need a couple of days to really process this but he was sure that there's never been a more beautiful ring than his last name accompanied by her first name. Erin Halstead.

Finally.

Officially.

Forever.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The ceremony was followed by hugs and congratulations and a first photoshot of Erin and Jay as husband and wife, the beautiful scenery around them doing a perfect job. Of course they also took lots of photos with Emilia, some with Emilia and Crispin because he was their four-legged child, some with their unit, some with their families, some with their friends, some of just Jay and the guys and some of just Erin and the girls, Erin also getting one with just her male colleagues, as well as group pictures with all of their guests. Photos over photos over photos so in the end everyone had a photo with everyone.

Once the big photo session was done it was time to conquer the buffet with all kind of delicacies. Before everyone started to eat, Jay and Erin gave a little speech, thanking all their guests from the bottom of their hearts for coming and celebrating this special day with them, telling them how much this meant to them that they were here to share their joy.

More surprises were following when Kim and Mouse handed everyone a red heart-ballon after they were done eating and after they'd also cut the wedding cake for dessert, Erin's hand on top of his, naturally, as she was the one wearing the pants, and had then fed each other a fork full of cake. Kim and Mouse also gave them all cards where they should write down the wishes for the couple's future or any other nice words and shortly before Erin and Jay had another little photo session during the sunset, they all went outside to let the 40 red balloons fly up to the sky, their eyes following them until they disappeared.

Afterwards, the photographer took more incredible pictures and they already couldn't wait for the edited results though they knew it would take a while until they would get the final versions with what felt like a million photos having been taken today. When they returned to the tent it was almost time for the dance, the lights above them shining already. And it was about time for that one dance they'd practiced quite determined for as Jay really wanted to 'dance' with his daughter afterwards. They've tried to change her sleeping rhythm a bit during the last few days so she was able to be up longer today but even though she still seemed very happy, it was late for her already and the mood change could come any second.

″Guys,″ Kim said into the microphone, standing in the middle of the dance floor, all the attention on her. It was her's and Mouse's task to do some kind of moderation tonight. ″I think it's time for one special dance.″

″Yeaaah,″ some of their guests agreed.

″Alright,″ Mouse said after taking the mic from Kim. ″Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the first dance of Mr and Mrs Jay Halstead.″

They rose from their seats, everbody cheering yet again, and Jay gave Erin one of his trademark smirks accompanied with a little wink and then slipped his hand through her's to guide her to the dance floor.

″We better don't mess this up,″ she whispered when their hands found the spots where they needed to be for the wedding waltz, hers on his shoulder, his on her waist, their others intertwined.

″Oh come on, we practiced for a reason,″ he chuckled and couldn't hold back from pecking her lips gently while they waited for the music to start.

″Yo Halstead, we wanna see ya dance, not kiss,″ Kevin laughed loudly.

″Damn Kev, when we call Halstead now we always have to clarify whether we mean Erin or Jay,″ Adam noticed and Erin and Jay turned their heads to their dorky colleagues, wondering whether they've maybe already had one drink too much or just tried whether they also could work as comedians in case their police careers ever went south.

″You're right bro. No more Linds, that's sad,″ Kevin said, still loud enough for basically everyone to hear. ″Watcha think about Halds?″

″Naah, not the same,″ Adam complained laughingly. ″Sounds...weird.″

″You two sound weird,″ Jay noticed casually, smirking at them, Erin hiding her head on his shoulder and laughing slightly and they both were more than glad when just in that moment Joe Cocker's and Jennifer Warnes's _Up Where We Belong_ started to resound from the speakers.

And like this they started to dance for four minutes straight, like they've never done anything else before, the practice paying off as their feet were moving on their own, as they were able to really enjoy this, as they had just eyes for each other, their faces full of smiles instead of concentration, their moves unanimously and ever so light, the stage all theirs. And just before the words _Love lifts us up where we belong_ resounded for a very last time, they stopped in the middle of the dance floor to melt their lips in one long, passionate kiss, Erin's hands cupping his cheeks, on a day like today not giving a single fuck that everyone was watching, and to the last chords he lifted her up, swirling her through the air gently and kissing her once more when he put her back down on the floor.

They looked at their guests and of course they all cheered and clapped again after witnessing such a moment full of undeniable love and affection.

″What was that?″ Adam uttered, his jaw still dropped.

″That was the demonstration of a perfect wedding dance,″ Kim murmured. ″I hope you watched attentively.″

″I already had my phone ready so I could forever tease them with that video. And now there's nothing to tease,″ he said, still stunned, and slightly shook his head. ″But whatever, will you dance with me my love so they have a reason to forever tease me?″ he chuckled, reaching for Kim's hand.

″Yeah, I guess I'm all here for you stepping on my feet,″ Kim smirked, taking his hand and they joined the couple on the dance floor as did many others and soon the dance floor was full of couples dancing to all kind of love songs.

Jay's first dance after dancing with Erin belonged to Emilia because they already had to practice that father-daughter-dance thing. While she was resting on his arm, Jay imitating some kind of real dance in the most adorable way, Erin's dancing partner was Noah, who could, compared to Emmy, really dance with her though he was a little wild and mostly up to nonsense.

Since it was time for all the kids to go to bed anyway, Olive, Carol and all the little ones headed back to the hotel with a shuttle afterwards as the party was naturally not over just yet. Erin danced with Hank, what a very rare sight that was, and Will and Michael and Robert and Mouse and Teddy and Justin and Alvin while Jay danced with Susan and Izzie and Liv and Kim and Natalie and yes, this one was for the history books, with Sergeant Trudy Platt. And finally, when they all had changed partners for a thousand times, everyone had their one back in their arms, Jay Erin, Mouse Sarah, Adam Kim, Will Natalie, Antonio Sylvie, the list could be continued endlessly and it also included Hank holding Liv in his arms.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They danced, most of the women having discarded their high heels long ago, the men having the sleeves of their shirts rolled up and their ties loosened, and celebrated and just sat together until the early morning hours. Shortly before midnight, when their wedding day was officially over, there was another surprise, one from Teddy this time, when they all had to go outside for the most beautiful fireworks, all those colors exploding on the dark sky, a huge red heart sparkling above them in the end. And somewhen long after midnight Erin threw her bridal bouquet and it was Natalie who caught it, Jay instantly joking at his brother that he now knew what he had to do.

It was around 3.30 when their guests left, leaving Erin and Jay back at the venue, all the adrenaline and the emotions helping them to not be a single bit tired but still full of energy. They waved their last guests goodbye as the shuttle drove off and then looked around this beautiful venue again, most of the area in front of the tent and to the cabin enlightened with lanterns.

Erin giggled when Jay quickly scooped her up into his arms as soon as they didn't see the lights of the car anymore, one arm under her back, the other under her knee pits, so he could carry her inside the cabin. Because the day and night of celebrating their love might just have ended but _the_ night of celebrating _their_ love just has started...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed and it didn't disappoint. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! I hope you'll stay with me even though this is kind of a happy end now. There's lots more to come, I promise! ;)**


	65. All Of Me Loves All Of You

**I'm glad you enjoyed my version of the Linstead wedding - thank you so much for your lovely feedback on my last chapter and sorry for letting you wait, but the ranch I worked at until today was out of wifi. But I hope this chapter was worth the wait and I promise to update weekly now again! :)**

 **Anyway, there are two things I'd like to say before you read:**

 **1\. The first part of this chapter is Linstead's wedding night, so yes, after 64 chapters this is the very first time that I wrote something M rated and I guess it will be the only time as well :P These last couple of days/weeks I wasn't sure whether I even want to include that part or just simply delete it again but eventually I decided to keep it. If you don't like M rated stuff, simply skip this first part of the chapter, there's lots of other stuff you'd still like to read :)**

 **2\. I wrote this chapter weeks ago, long before any hurricane caused this huge damage (by the end of this chapter you'll know why I tell you this) and I didn't have the time to rewrite this chapter and the following one, so these two are dedicated to everyone who was affected by these natural catastrophes.**

 **Thanks for reading, now enjoy!**

 **(Lyrics: All Of Me by John Legend. I don't own anything)**

* * *

 **65\. All Of Me Loves All Of You**

 _~ Love is too weak a word for what I feel for you. One life is too small a time to express how madly I am in love with you ~_

Jay carried Erin through the garden with all the lights and lanterns and then inside the old, charming cabin, straight up to the bedroom under the pitch of the roofs where this unbelievably big and soft canopy bed was waiting for them, waiting to witness them worshipping each other's body. He placed her down on the bed gently and looked down at her for a moment, soaking this picture of Erin in a wedding dress in for a very last time because other than on all the photos he would never see her like this again, in that dress that had without a doubt been made for her. Her hair was fanned out on the white matress and she was smiling up at him in that way that showed her dimples off in the most perfect way.

″When I watched you walking down the aisle...damn, seeing you like this took my breath away,″ he whispered, his eyes roaming her body that was covered in this most gorgeous wedding dress he's ever seen. Maybe he was a bit biased here but this dress combined with Erin wearing it was so much more than a sight for sore eyes. Erin was beautiful regardless what she was wearing but her appearance in that white dress, that had slightly sparkled in the sun, made her look like an angel coming straight down from heaven.

″That was the goal,″ Erin chuckled, her cheeks blushing but since the only faint light in the room was coming from the lamp on the bedside table, he didn't notice how this compliment once again changed the color of her face, just as always. She reached out for him and he pulled her up right into his arms, his fingers starting to fumble at the lace-up instantly.

″But you know,″ she murmured, playing with his already loosened tie. ″You also made quite the appearance in that suit.″

″I told you I have nice suits,″ he winked cockily before he leaned in to brush his lips against hers.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″But I also like that style with the rolled-up sleeves and loosened tie. So sexy,″ she said huskily and loosened his tie a little more so she could pull it over his head and discard it somewhere down on the floor, her fingers starting to work on the buttons of his shirt next.

″Wait wait wait Mrs Halstead,″ he smirked at her, holding her hand and keeping it from tearing his shirt open. God, speaking it out loud himself was even better than hearing other's say it. ″It's my turn first.″

He turned her around by her shoulders gently, tugging her dirty blonde waves to one side so he could pepper kisses down her jaw and neck to her shoulder blade, sucking on the sensitive skin in between while his fingers untied the lace skillfully but agonizingly slow so he could tease her with his lips and hot breath at his leisure.

Eventually he peeled her out of the dress and they placed it on the couch in the corner of the room neatly because there was no way they would toss it to the ground like they usually did with their other clothes.

″This is also a sight I like,″ he murmured when she stood in front of him in just her strapless bra and panties.

″We have to work on yours though,″ she said, raising her eyebrow playfully and now it was on her to unbutton his shirt painfully slow while her lips kissed his jaw and earlobe and sucked on the sensitive skin in the crook of his neck. Opposite to the dress, this piece of clothing fell straight to the floor once Jay's perfectly shaped torso was revealed and he picked her up by her thighs before she could continue to torture him, so he could carry her back to the bed, their lips glued together.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, could feel the bulge through his boxers and pant suits and everything lower than her bellybutton was throbbing in anticipation. She cradled his head with her hands, her lips never leaving his until he placed her down on the bed for a second time this night, only this time he hovered over her instantly, his fingers making quick work of the bra with the front clasp, discarding this unnecessary piece of fabric somewhere in the darkness of the room.

Their mouths sealed together again, their tongues dancing and dueling, Erin fumbling on his belt with hurried fingers so another piece of unnecessary fabric could settle somewhere on the floor, the only fabric being left now his boxers and her panties.

His lips left her mouth as soon as he'd shrugged his suit pants off but only that they could go for a new destination. He trailed kisses down her neck and shoulder again and this time his lips also traveled down the valley between her breasts and down to her navel and he stopped just above the waistband of her panties so he could make his way up again, placing the softest of kisses on the undersides of each of her breasts on his way up.

She sucked in her breath in anticipation and a moan escaped from her lips when his tongue started to caress her nipple, his teeth soon taking over, the fingers of his other hand massaging her other nipple. Her hand weaved in his hair, squeezing his neck when he bit her softly, both goosebumps and the slightest shimmer of sweat covering her body.

″Jay,″ she whimpered in pleasure and he sucked one last time before lifting his head and crashing her lips hardly again, though only for a second.

″Be patient,″ he chuckled.

The inside of her thigh came next and once again he made sure to kiss every little spot from her knee upwards, giving every part of her soft and sensitive skin the attention and love it deserved. He repeated his actions on the inside of her other thigh, before he finally hooked a finger into the waistband of her panties to pull them down so they could join all the discarded clothes, and he placed the softest of kisses on her clit.

His fingers stroked over this sensitive area teasingly and it was enough to almost send her flying. Her back arched and she reached for anything to hold on to so Jay brought his other hand up, their fingers lacing, giving her the hold she needed. He placed another kiss on her clit before inserting a finger inside of her.

″Jay,″ she groaned, her voice going right to his groin and he wondered whether the fabric of his boxers was resilient enough for this kind of challenge tonight.

He inserted a second finger, her fingers gripping around his hand and holding on for dear life, and it only took a curl of them inside of her to send her over the edge, her heavy breathing and his name spilling her lips in moans of pleasure filling the air in the bedroom.

By the time she'd finished riding out her climax she was covered in sweat. She opened her eyes lazily, his face already over hers again, and he leaned down to kiss her softly, delicately, his erection throbbing against her entrance through the fabric of his boxers.

She reached for the waistband of his boxers, her soft fingers slipping in for a second and stroking over his dick which let him grasp for air and she then helped him to strip them down, letting his erection free. He settled between her legs, his cock at her entrance, the tip stroking over it teasingly, her hips jerking in anticipation, but when his name left her lips in a whimper again he couldn't keep on teasing her any longer and finally gave in, sliding into her easily, slowly, gently, her wet walls welcoming him, welcoming him home, their simultaneous groans filling the air.

His head fell into the crook of her neck as he started to move, pushing in and out of her agonizingly slow in the beginning, their pace speeding up quickly until they fell into their familiar rhythm, her legs wrapped around his waist so he could have the best access possible. They both felt their orgasms building up as they sped up further, the air filled with more groans, her walls tightening around him, and they were soon both sent into oblivion as they let go of the pressure, Erin finding release first, her fingernails digging into the flesh on his shoulder, and it only took his name leaving her lips for Jay to explode inside of her before collapsing on top of her, their naked, sweaty bodies matted together, their heavy breathing the only noise in the room for a moment.

″I love you,″ he murmured breathlessly into the crook of her neck before lifting his head, her eyes showing this raw vulnerability and this ravenous passion at the same time, the after-glow of their love-making written all over her face. ″God, I love you so much.″

″I love you so much more,″ she smiled back at him. ″ _Husband_ ,″ she added, her fingers tracing lazy circles onto his shoulder blade.

His face lit up even more by her calling him husband as it was for sure one of the most beautiful things she's ever told him. He leaned down, their lips melting slowly again.

″Don't argue about this with me, _wife_ ,″ he joked.

″Would I ever?″ she laughed, lifting her head a little so she could nibble on his lips. They continued lying there in the semi-darkness of the room, their bodies glued together, sharing lazy kisses until their breathing evened out.

″I guess I could need a shower,″ she murmured against his mouth all husky, ″care to join?″

″Oh definitely,″ he grinned and they rolled out of the bed to move their naked bodies to the bathroom with the big shower, both of them knowing exactly that this wasn't going to be a normal shower to cool off but instead round two of making love in their wedding night. Only this time it was Erin who tortured him as long as she could before Jay thrusted into her again while the steamy water ran down their backs, the sound of the running water not being loud enough to swallow all the things that left their lips.

And when they later lay in bed, when the birds started to go crazy outside, the dawn already set in and the upcoming sun heralded the beginning of a new day, their naked bodies snuggled up to each other as they fell into at least three to four hours of slumber before they would meet with their family and friends again, they were sure that apart from the day their daughter had been born, this, their wedding day inclusive the night that followed, has been the best day of their lives.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay woke up from his slumber with the first rays of sunshine making their way through the window barely two hours later and he propped himself up on his elbow, his other arm lying across Erin's waist, and just watched her sleep for a while, which he's done countless times before, and so he naturally noticed when she was about to wake up because her nose always crinkled just before her hazel eyes fluttered open lazily. She blinked against the sunlight in the room and then turned her head to him, a smile spreading over her face when she caught him staring at her.

″Hey dream woman,″ he whispered, tugging her still damp hair behind her ear before leaning down and kissing her.

″Hey dream man,″ she smiled, chuckling slightly when she realized how cheesy this was, and snuggled against his chest, her hand finding its spot right above his heart. ″Why are you up already?″

″Couldn't sleep. Had to make sure this wasn't just a dream,″ he answered honestly and buried his face in her messy hair.

″Me too,″ she admitted quietly and moved her head so she could look at him, her hand moving up to his face, her thumb stroking over his stubble. He moved a little as well, his hand also finding her cheek, his thumb brushing along her earlobe as they continued to stare at each other, blue eyes into hazel-green, looking for nothing particular but finding all the love and vulnerability and affection and emotions there.

″But this isn't a dream,″ he whispered.

″Hell no,″ she smiled. ″This is as real as it can get.″ Her lips found his lips in a kiss that could simply be described as the most delicate they've ever shared, all the love they had for each other, all the unbelief that this was reality, lying in it.

Their kiss deepened slowly, unhurriedly, their hands still cupping their cheeks, their tongues exploring each other's mouths like they didn't know the territory, like they had all the time in the world to make this third round of making love the most deliberate, most delicate, most special one in forever.

 _ **'Cause all of me**_

 _ **Loves all of you**_

 _ **Love your curves and all your edges**_

 _ **All your perfect imperfactions**_

 _ **Give your all to me**_

 _ **I'll give my all to you**_

 _ **You're my end and my beginning**_

 _ **Even when I'm lose I'm winning**_

 _ **'Cause I give you all of me**_

 _ **And you give me all of you**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was an hour later when Erin padded through the living room of the cabin and along the large table with all the gifts they'd gotten from their loved ones. Jay watched her from the open kitchen, almost not being able to concentrate on scrambling some eggs as his eyes couldn't leave her silhouette. She was wearing panties and his shirt from yesterday, which was long enough to cover most of her butt, the fabric hanging over her shoulders loosely, the long sleeves falling over her hands, the front buttons not closed properly but just in typical Erin-style.

Erin let her eyes wander over all the envelopes and other gifts that were still wrapped in fancy paper or foil and waited for them to unwrap them, when a certrain light blue envelope attached to a smaller sized gift drew her attention as it read: _For Erin and the man she chooses to be her husband._ She sucked in a sharp breath when she realized whose neat and perfect handwriting this was.

″Er?″ Jay asked, hints of concern in his voice. When she didn't answer he turned the heat of the stove down to zero and joined her.

″Hey,″ he whispered, not wanting to startle her. He followed her eyes and they found the blue envelope as well. It was the only one that hadn't _Erin and Jay_ written on front and combined with the sudden change in her behavior he sensed to know why.

″This is...,″ she said, her voice breaking. ″This is from Camille,″ she breathed out, confirming his suspicion and she reached for it but pulled back as if it was burning her, giving her electric shocks.

″You don't want to open it?″ he asked carefully, his hand on the small of her back, rubbing comforting circles onto it.

″I don't know...,″ she stammered. ″In that video last November she mentioned something that there are videos and that Hank would give them to me when the time's right. And I totally forgot about it...and now it just caught me off-guard,″ she explained and she grabbed for the envelope and the gift again, only this time she took it and swiped her finger over the writing.

″Come on, it's for the both of us,″ she said before he could answer anything and they sat down on the couch, Erin inhaling deeply before she opened the envelope carefully, not wanting to destroy anything as this was most probably the last card she would ever get from Camille Voight, something like her last legacy.

″You read it to me?″ she asked, not daring to flip the card open.

″Sure,″ Jay nodded and took the card from her hands.

″Dear Erin and the guy who stole her heart,″ he started, Erin smiling faintly at those first words Camille'd chosen, tears glooming in her eyes already. ″When you read this card you already saw the first video I made for you and you know that there will be more. And much more important, when you read this card you are a married woman and your husband is most probably sitting next to you. That's great because the video attached to this card is for the both of you and I beg you to watch it together. This is my way of being there with you to share this joy and celebrate such a life-changing event. I know it's not the same but I hope you'll feel my presence anyway and I just want you to know: my heart is bursting with joy for you and I'm so so proud of you. That's all for now, everything else will be in the video. Love, kisses and hugs, Camille.″

Jay flipped the card closed and looked at her, saw some single tears running down her cheek. He pulled her closer and pressed a kiss against her temple.

″I miss her so much,″ she whispered.

″I know,″ Jay said. Due to the tragedies life had thrown at him in the past, he knew this pain so damn well because he missed his mother as much as Erin missed hers. And regardless all the amazing pictures they'd taken yesterday, with all their family members and friends, both of them would've given their all for Diane Halstead and Camille Voight being present in those photos as well, for having pictures with the women who'd raised them, had laid the path for them becoming the people they were today.

″I still can't believe she did all these things for me,″ she said, her fingers fumbling on the fancy paper and tearing it open.

″She must've been an incredible person.″

″She was,″ Erin smiled sadly. ″You will see,″ she added, looking at the DVD in her hand and got up to set the DVD-player and TV so they could watch Camille's special message.

As soon as Erin was back on the couch and curled into Jay's side, her head resting on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her, the screen flickered and Camille's face appeared, her angelic smile overshadowing her exhaustion, only the headscarf that covered her bald head and the missing eyebrows giving away that she was on chemo.

″Hey Erin,″ she smiled, chills running down Erin's spine as this warm voice got right to her heart. ″And hello...well, I've thought about how to call you but nothing brilliant came up,″ Camille laughed lightheartedly. ″I thought about calling you Mr. X but that somehow sounds wrong, so how about I just say hello my son-in-law? Because that is what you are now. You are my son-in-law and although this may sound a bit weird for you now, this is a dream coming true for me. I've always wanted Erin to find all the happiness in the world, to find someone who treats her like she deserves to be treated. And as you guys are now watching this video I know for 100% sure that Erin is endlessly happy and that you are exactly that kind of guy I wanted her to find, that kind of guy Erin didn't know exists until she met you.″

Jay didn't know this woman, has only heard Erin's stories so far, hasn't seen her before other than on some photos but he suddenly found it unbelievably hard to breathe, his emotions going wild by Camille telling him those things, talking to him like that.

″And there's another reason why I know you must be someone really, really special. Hank for sure wouldn't give his girl to another man easily. And he probably tried to give you a hard time for a very long time because that's who he is,″ she laughed, shaking her head a little. ″But watching this video now you battled through it and I can tell you Hank likes and appreciates you when he allowed you to marry his little girl because otherwise he would've run you out of town instead of walking Erin down the aisle and giving you guys that video. He only wants the best for her and apparently that's what you are. And with Hank allowing you two to marry, I also know that what you share is real love. So there's no need for me to tell you to love the other fiercely and completely and unconditionally because I know you do. But there is one thing I want to tell you, want you to remember at all times. Always keep your marriage vows in your minds. They are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep,″ Camille said meaningfully and she made another short pause, tears shimmering in her blue eyes, also giving them a chance to process her words, her advice.

″My dear son-in-law,″ she continued, ″I wish we could've met, I wish I could've seen how happy you make my little girl, how her eyes shine when she looks at you because you are her whole world now. So thank you for everything you do for her and mostly for making her happy,″ she said and Jay had the feeling that Camille was looking right into his soul.

″Erin, my sweet girl, I wish I could've seen you walking down the aisle in a gorgeous wedding dress, I wish I could've witnessed you making a promise for a lifetime. I wish I could've seen you and Hank dance because I'm sure that's something no one should miss. I wish I could've seen how your husband beams whenever he's looking at you because he knows he found a raw diamond. I wish I could've seen the love you two share. I wish I could've been there to be by your side every step of the way, to share your happiness. I wish I could've told you all of this in person.″ She whispered towards the end, tears streaming down her face. She wiped them away with her hand, making an attempt to smile.

″I wish so many damn things but most of all, I wish you two beautiful souls all the very best for your future. Make the best out of your lives and tell the other every day that you love them and how much you love them. I for my part love you both.″ With these words the video stopped, the picture of Camille blowing them a kiss frozen on the screen as they both kept on staring at the TV, tears running down Erin's face, Jay's eyes brim-full of tears.

″That's my mom,″ she smiled through tears, a hint of pride in her voice. Jay pulled her even closer and placed a kiss on her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo.

″The best mother-in-law I could've asked for,″ Jay agreed, his voice as cracked as hers. He hasn't thought that a woman he never had the chance to meet could make him this emotional, that a simple video would be the most precious wedding gift of them all, that he would miss a woman he only knew from this video and some of Erin's stories. At the same time he couldn't help but wish his mother would've had the time to make something like this for him as well, so they could watch her messages or read her letters now, but cancer had taken her away in the shortest amount of time and by the time she died she'd thought her son was dead.

″I wish we had something like this from your mom as well,″ Erin said, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. Sometimes she could read him like an open book, it was scary yet the most beautiful connection. ″But even without it I know that I would be blessed with the most perfect mother-in-law.″

Her head left its spot on his shoulder so she could look up to him as she had a pretty good idea what this video has triggered in him, that this was just as emotional for him as it was for her.

″When there's one thing I know for sure it's that she would've loved you. She would've thanked you for making me happy just like Camille thanked me for making you happy,″ he said quietly and tried to give her a weak smile.

″She would be so proud of you, just like Camille would be proud of me,″ Erin whispered, her hand cupping his cheek. Strangely she didn't feel completely lost after watching this video, didn't feel like she was drowning in sadness. Of course she was sad and her heart ached but the joy outweighed. Joy because she knew she'd made her mother proud, joy because all Camille'd wanted for her was being happy and she was happier than ever before in her life. She wouldn't allow her sadness to overtake her happiness. Not on a day like today. Never again. It just felt too good. She was undeniably happy and she finally allowed herself to be, allowed herself to revel in this happiness and not think about all the what-if's that could take it away. Because this right now was real and maybe she should just simply live for the moment a little more instead of always expecting the worst.

″You once told me that they're possibly sitting next to each other looking down on us from above. Smiling, because they see how far we've come. And you know what? Their smiles are so bright now, I guess it already hurts,″ she chuckled raspily, a quiet sob leaving her mouth as well.

He looked right into her eyes for a moment, saw the silent pain in them, her own pain and the pain she felt for him, and then captured her lips with his own so they could melt in a salty kiss. Here she was, comforting him although it should've been him comforting her after watching this message of the woman she considered her mother.

When their lips parted and he looked into her eyes again, the pain was gone, his own heart aching less as well, and it was in this moment that he realized that with everything they did, simple gestures or thoughtful words, the one didn't only comfort the other or vice versa but that they comforted each other simultaneously.

 _ **'Cause all of me**_

 _ **Loves all of you**_

 _ **Love your curves and all your edges**_

 _ **All your perfect imperfactions**_

 _ **Give your all to me**_

 _ **I'll give my all to you**_

 _ **You're my end and my beginning**_

 _ **Even when I'm lose I'm winning**_

 _ **'Cause I give you all of me**_

 _ **And you give me all of you**_

″I love you,″ he whispered, his trademark smile returning to his face.

″I love you, too,″ she smiled and they both leaned in for another soft kiss that was instantly disturbed by the loud rumbling of Erin's stomach which made them both laugh heartily.

″Are you a tad bit hungry, Mrs Halstead?″ he smirked, tickling her stomach.

″Yeah, you know, I guess I wasted quite a lot of energy ever since we walked into this cabin 5 hours ago, Mr Halstead,″ she winked cheekily. ″So for a change I'm hungry for real food.″

″So I better don't let my wife get any hungrier, eh?″

″That would be wise,″ she grinned and kissed him again before they moved to the kitchen together to talk about their mothers a little more and finish cooking their spare breakfast. They would meet for brunch with all their guests at the hotel around 11 anyway, so some scrambled eggs and toast did the job for now and they could still fill their stomachs later before it was already time to say goodbye.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Emmy girl, did daddy actually tell you where we go for our honeymoon?″ Erin sighed when she tried to pack her suitcase on Monday afternoon, Emilia sitting on the bed next to her suitcase and playing with some toys. All she knew so far was that their flight would depart at 5.30am from O'Hare tomorrow morning, for sure not the most convenient time, and that she needed her passport but other than that Jay hasn't revealed any information which made packing incredibly hard.

″He did, right? But unfortunately for me you can't talk,″ she laughed and tickled Emmy's belly and then changed her focus to the still almost empty suitcase again.

″Babe?″ she called. Jay was in the living room, already packing some of their stuff into boxes because moving to the house was what followed after their honeymoon and vacation in Wisconsin. Of course her super organized husband had packed his bag this morning already but knowing what their destination was it was much easier for him. If she knew she would be finished by now as well. That was at least what she told herself.

″What's up?″ Jay asked when he walked into the bedroom. He'd expected a complete mess of clothes but surprisingly there wasn't even one shirt lying on their bed. Only Emilia's toys spread all over the sheets.

″I don't know what to pack in my suitcase because you wouldn't tell me where we go,″ she pouted. ″So just imagine I pack all my summer stuff into that bag and we end up heading to Antarctica.″

″Oh damn, how did you know we're going to Antarctica?″ he teased.

″I can read your mind,″ she said casually. ″Oh wait, I can't because then I would know where we go,″ she complained and Jay couldn't help but laugh because she was the most adorable like this, pouting and being bugged that he'd been able to keep their honeymoon destination a secret for so long.

″Just remember,″ he said, wrapping her arms around her from behind and his voice turned into a whisper, ″what I always told you about how I want to see you during our honeymoon.″

 _Hula skirts._

 _Not going to happen,_ Erin thought. ″So a beach destination?″ she concluded.

″Well, I wouldn't make you walk through Paris in a hula skirt, would I?″ he chuckled.

″You're an idiot,″ she laughed, bumping her elbow into his stomach.

″But an idiot who knows the destination,″ he trimphed and pressed a kiss against her cheek before he made his way back to the living room.

″Keep on doing that and I consider divorce,″ she laughed, throwing a pair of socks, that had already found its way into her suitcase, after him, and hitting the back of his head.

He spun around, gave her one of his famous eyebrow-raises and picked the socks up from the floor. ″You won't need socks,″ he winked and threw them back to her. ″And I for one would be completely fine with you not packing any clothes at all.″

″Yeah, you wish,″ she laughed and threw the socks through the room again, only this time he was prepared and caught them.

″'Course I do,″ he smirked.

″Perv,″ she chuckled.

″Language,″ Jay exclaimed, his eyes falling on their 6-month-old daughter. They slowly but steady had to take more care of the words that slipped from their mouths or their daughter would grow up learning vocabulary they didn't want her to learn in the next 10 years.

″I really have to work on that,″ she grinned innocently.

″Yup,″ Jay agreed and walked around the bed to scoop Emmy up into his arms. ″Come on princess, we let mommy pack and you help me to pack some of your stuff into boxes.″

″Hey, you can't kidnap my little helper,″ Erin half-complained.

″Only taking away the distraction,″ he winked and left her alone. Maybe it was really better like this as she'd actually rather played and cuddled with Emmy earlier than packing her bag, not knowing what to pack contributing to it. Every distraction had been a welcome one and her cute daughter demanding attention had been the best excuse to not even start packing but postpone it to later. But now, with only a couple hours left before they would go over to Hank's to have dinner there with him and Olivia, who would only fly home tomorrow, and leave Emilia with her grandfather for the next 7 days.

Thanks to Jay talking about hula skirts she was almost certain that they would go to some beach destination and she wondered whether he'd really decided for Fidji Island or the Maldives, like he wanted to back in January, or whether they would go to a place that wasn't 20+ hours of traveling and 3 flights away.

She quickly threw some bikinis, sandals, shorts, tops, shirts, panties and bras into her suitcase as well as the white dress she'd worn for the party Friday night and two other short summer dresses that she'd rarely worn before. Her sports gear also made it into the suitcase because maybe they wanted to do other sports than playing scrabble. She went to the bathroom to put all her toiletries into her beauty case, took two books from her bedside table she's always wanted to read but never's had the time, and proudly closed her suitcase when everything was inside after not even twenty minutes.

″Easier than expected,″ she said to herself and made her way to the nursery to join Jay, Emilia and Crispin.

″Your definition of packing boxes is interesting,″ she chuckled, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Instead of filling the boxes with things Emilia didn't necessarily need until their move, Jay was sitting on the floor, tickled Crispin behind his ears and encouraged Emilia in her attempts to crawl. She tried to push herself up on her hands and knees but her limbs were still a little too weak for that. Nonetheless she managed to move on the floor and it wouldn't be long now until she was able to crawl properly so she could explore the world even more.

″We had to work on that crawling thing,″ he smirked.

″You don't have to work on that _crawling thing._ The longer she doesn't crawl the better for us,″ Erin laughed and joined her three favorites on the floor.

″Emmy, don't listen to mommy,″ Jay chuckled and picked her up. ″She just doesn't want to run after you all the time,″ he explained, holding her under her armpits so she could bounce up and down on his legs, finding sensation in putting her weight on her feet.

″That's not it,″ she grinned. ″I just see it in the big picture. Once she's crawling, pulling herself up everywhere isn't far and once she's pulling herself up walking isn't far. And once she's walking she's basically a teenager.″

″Jeez, you're even worse in dramatizing this than I am,″ he laughed.

″Yeah well, I just wonder where those last six months went,″ she sighed, her fingers tickling Emilia's neck and her soft hair. ″It feels like yesterday that I gave birth to her and she was the tiniest bundle of life. And now she'll be six months old in two days. Six months. And another six months from now she'll already be a year old. It's crazy. That cliche thing about time flying once you have a child – I never believed it. But now I have to accept that it's true and I'm not sure whether I'm ready to let go of all these baby things although this age now is awesome.″

She loved how Emilia was already trying to interact with them, how she was 'babbling' in her own language, how she explored the world on her own a little more every day, how she had the two tiniest white pearlies in her mouth, how her personality developed. Only all of this could happen in slo-motion in her opinion so they could enjoy all of these milestones and phases more.

″It's hard to let go because it was only such a short time that she was so small and would almost disappear in our arms but that's how it goes. We all get older. It's only that with kids we see how fast time passes and with ourselves we luckily don't,″ he twinkled at her. ″Just imagine we would see every day when we look in the mirror how we get older. That would be aweful.″

″You mean more evidence than those few grey hairs right there?″ she chaffed him, giving him the most innocent smile. She loved this man for many reasons and one of them was definitely how he was always able to cheer her up with one dorky statement, how he could change their conversations from sentimental to fluffy so they could fall into their usual teasing, flirting banter.

″There are no grey hairs,″ he answered deadpan.

″If you say so,″ she smirked, biting her lower lip. ″I could prove you different though.″

″Why don't you just simply go back and finish packing, huh?″ he asked in mock offense.

″Babe, I'm done packing.″

″Also with your bag for Wisconsin?″ he grinned, knowing the answer already. There was no way Erin Lindsay – _Halstead_ – had packed two bags in twenty minutes.

″Why should I pack for Wisconsin already?″ she frowned.

″Because we come home next week in the evening and want to leave for Wisconsin in the morning, so there won't be much time for packing,″ he explained.

″You haven't packed that second bag either so far.″ Okay, truth to be told, there was a _really_ small chance that Jay hasn't packed this second bag yet but she could try at least.

″Of course I have,″ he grinned proudly. ″I also packed Emmy's bag for Hank and the one for Wisconsin where we'll only have to add a couple of clothes that Hank will wash before we come back.″

″You've organized that pretty perfectly, haven't you?″ she asked all amazed.

″Surprised?″

″Naah, not really. That's my nerdy, _perfect_ husband,″ she chuckled and leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek.

″Nice guy your husband, eh?″ he laughed.

″Most times,″ she smirked back at him, his laugh being contagious as always. Damn, she couldn't wait for one week alone with this dork. She loved their life in Chicago, living in their perfect little family bubble, but they haven't had much time only for themselves in a really long time and when they had, it had only always been one evening. And maybe she was a bit selfish here but she really wanted to have him for herself every once in a while, so their honeymoon with one whole week of undisturbed togetherness couldn't start soon enough.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They arrived at Hank's place in the early evening and with all the stuff that they unloaded from the trunk of their car Hank seriously wondered whether the whole Halstead family wanted to move into his house for a longer period of time instead of only Emilia and Crispin for a week. How could a 6-month-old and a dog have so many things?

Stroller, a huge bag with dozens of clothes, her favorite stuffy, the big Eeyore she'd gotten from him, some more toys she loved dearly, diapers, pacifiers, her favorite blanket, the sleeping bag, toys for Crispin and even his own bed found their way into Hank's house and upstairs into the room that would be Emilia's and Crispin's for the next week because the dog still demanded to sleep in her room every night.

″That kid has too much stuff,″ Hank commented once everything was inside. ″Right pumpkin? So much stuff,″ he said and picked his granddaughter up from her car seat.

″That's not even half of what she has,″ Erin laughed.

″I know. That's why I said she has too much,″ Hank answered casually.

″Well, if I remember correctly you're also one of the people who overflows her with presents and brings her new clothes and toys and stuffies every once in a while.″

″Huh,″ he only grunted in response, knowing that she had a point but not wanting to admit it.

″Where are Liv and Noah?″ she changed the topic.

″In the garden. Noah's obsessed with that kiddie pool,″ he smiled.

They went downstairs and out on the patio, Jay already talking with Liv and Noah making friends with Crispin. While Jay and Hank stayed outside, taking care of the grill and the kids, Liv and Erin went inside to prepare some potatoes and a salad they could eat with their grilled steaks.

″So, how's the married life treating you?″ Liv asked.

″Well, those two days so far have been kind of okay,″ Erin laughed, glancing down to her wedding band.

″Do you feel something changed?″

″Not in the way I feel for him...but...,″ she answered, trying to find the right words because something was indeed different. ″Giving him this promise with all of our friends and family present and saying yes to him, to our future, with all my heart...I don't know how to explain it but yeah, something changed. I didn't know how much I need this, saying I do and wearing this wedding band now. It's everything I've ever dreamed of deep deep down inside...and now it's real...and everyone knows about the love we share, that he's my person and that we belong together forever,″ she beamed.

″As I said, hard to explain,″ she chuckled slightly when Liv didn't answer anything but instead only eyed her from the side.

″No, I think I got it,″ Liv grinned. ″It's even more special now, right?″

″Yeah,″ Erin confirmed. ″And I haven't thought that's possible because what we share has always been special.″

″Quite the story you two have,″ Liv laughed, referring to Friday night when during all the games their guests had heard stories they've never told anyone before, or during their vows, when they'd admitted some things publicly they hadn't shared until that day. Although Liv knew more than most people as Erin had confided in her quite some times already there had still been things she naturally hadn't known.

″Blockbuster material, didn't we agree on that last November already?″ Erin laughed.

″Could also be some sort of typical fairytale of the Grimm Brothers,″ Liv winked. ″And talking about fairytales: did your prince meanwhile tell you to which far and foreign destination he takes you for your honeymoon?″

″Not a single word,″ Erin sighed frustrated. ″And it's driving me nuts. Only thing I know is that our plane departs at 5.30am and I'm not sure whether I'm a fan of that time,″ she chuckled, knowing that it meant they had to leave their apartment around freakin' 3.30am or even earlier.

″You have to see the positive side: no long lines at the security control at that time of the day. Especially during holiday season,″ Liv winked.

″I guess that's an advantage I haven't considered so far,″ Erin admitted. ″What about you? When's your plane leaving?″

″6.10pm. I guess I will have all the lines,″ she sighed. ″But I didn't want for Noah to come home in the middle of the night and in the morning or afternoon it would be even worse.″

″Maybe you're lucky,″ Erin answered, for a moment considering whether she should push into a certain direction _again_ , especially after Hank and Liv had had more than just one dance together. ″Don't you want to stay a couple more days though?″ she asked incidentally but still meaningfully and Liv turned her head to Erin instantly, knowing exactly what she meant.

″I don't know,″ she answered honestly and shrugged her shoulders. ″I mean, I guess I could with all the overtime I've worked lately. But...″

″I'm sure Hank and Emmy would love for you guys to stay. You could go to the zoo together, to the Aquarium, to the parks and the playgrounds, to the beach...″ Erin said.

″I would like that,″ Liv answered, a smile tugging in the corners of her lips, though only briefly. ″But no, I have to go home so Noah can be back with his friends and I can go back to work.″

That was a pretty lame excuse but Erin kept her mouth shut and didn't tell it her friend like this. She knew Liv wanted to stay but maybe she needed another push. Not from her but someone else. And she didn't need to give Liv that push but rather this someone else.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After enjoying grilled steaks and potatoes on the patio on this warm, humid summer evening, it was time for Erin and Jay to tuck Emilia in and with it saying goodbye to her for the next seven days. They read her a story in her room upstairs and watched her slowly drifting to slumber, her dreams taking over as her eyes fell shut.

″Goodnight sweet girl,″ Erin whispered against her head and gave her a kiss. ″Have the best time with your grandpa and don't make this too hard for him, okay? Daddy and I will facetime with you and we'll be back next week to take you to Wisconsin to daddy's beautiful cabin. We will miss you, Emmy,″ she whispered, tears looming in her eyes and she felt Jay's hand on her back. No matter how much she looked forward to spending this precious week just with him, leaving her baby for seven days was as hard as it could get.

″We can still take her with us,″ Jay said when she handed him the baby so he could cuddle with her as well.

Erin shook her head no. ″Naah, it's better like this and I guess the goodbye is the hardest. Plus, we can't do this to Hank. He's really looking forward to taking care of her,″ she smiled weakly. Her heart had bursted with joy when Hank had told everyone proudly at the wedding how his granddaughter would stay with him during their honeymoon.

″You sure?″ he asked.

″Absolutely. She stays here with Hank and Crisp and next week we'll be on full family vacation mode,″ she said, imagining how much fun the four of them would have at Lake Lindsay next week, with Crispin romping in the water and showing Emmy this new place that meant so much to them.

″Okay,″ Jay nodded. ″Daddy will miss you a lot princess but he knows that you're in the best possible hands. Be nice to your grandpa. And do not start to crawl before we're back, deal?″ he laughed slightly and pressed a kiss on Emilia's head.

They enjoyed another moment of cuddling in silence before he placed her in the crib. They watched her sleeping until they were sure she wouldn't wake up again and then made their way downstairs to join Hank and Liv again. They talked about everything and nothing for the next two hours, Erin hoping that Jay would accidentially reveal their honeymoon destination but he didn't do her the favor, and then left Hank's house around 10.00 so they could at least get a couple of hours of sleep before they had to be at the airport. They hugged Liv and of course their dog goodbye and went upstairs again to stroke over Emilia's soft cheek one more time and give her more kisses.

″Thank you for everything,″ Erin said to Hank outside on the porch and fell into his embrace.

″Always kiddo,″ he grinned and hugged her tightly. ″Enjoy your honeymoon. It's a very special vacation for a reason.″

″We will,″ she smirked. ″I hope we didn't forget to pack anything for Emmy or Crisp but otherwise you can go to the apartment and pick it up.″

″I'll get it handled,″ Hank nodded.

″I know you do,″ she smiled gratefully before she hugged him again. ″Ask her to stay,″ she whispered into his ear and when she lifted her head and he looked at her confused, she only gave him a meaningful glance accompanied with a shrug, an eyebrow-raise and a smile and then turned around, waving again as she took her spot in the passenger's seat.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

3am was really not a time they both prefered to get up at but instead of putting their phones into snooze so they could have another five minutes of slumber, they jumped out of the bed in excitement instantly. They made themselves ready quickly, checked whether they had everything in their hand luggage that they needed and then locked the door behind them when they left.

The streets were almost empty and they stopped by some coffee shop that was open 24 hours because regardless their excitement they really needed their caffeine fix, and then made the drive to O'Hare in no time. They parked their car in one of the huge parking garages and then strolled to the terminal, Jay pulling both of their suitcases, a backpack resting on his back.

They went straight to the counter to check in their luggage, the woman on the one open counter smiling at them expectantly when they approached her and handed her their passports, Erin's still with her maiden name. It somehow sucked that she couldn't travel as Erin Halstead but no one could get a new passport within a day and as the flight ticket and her passport needed to have the same name, she was still Erin Lindsay for the airline.

″Good morning,″ the woman, Christy, smiled and reached for their passports. She typed something into her computer and then asked: ″St. John's is the destination, correct? V.C Bird International Airport via Miami?″

″That's correct,″ Jay nodded, a smile spreading over his lips when he looked at Erin briefly.

 _Where on earth is St. John's?!_ Erin's brain cells tried their best to come up with a country that had a city called St. John's but no success on that end. She's never been good in geography so she had no idea whether St. John's was in the Carribean, on the Maldives or Fidji Island.

″That's an awesome destination. Honeymoon?″ Christy grinned while printing the tags and putting them on their suitcases.

″Uhm, yeah,″ Jay smirked. ″That obvious?″

″Kind of,″ Christy winked and handed them the tickets, telling them their boarding time and which gate they had to go and wished them a safe trip and a wonderful honeymoon.

″Where is St. John's?″ Erin asked as soon as they walked into the direction of the security check, their hands laced together. ″You know I could pull my phone out in two seconds and figure it out myself,″ she warned him grinning mischievously. ″But I prefer my husband telling me.″

″Well,″ Jay said and stopped walking so he could look directly into her face when he told her. ″The first stop will be Miami. And from there we'll fly to St John's, where's the airport of Antigua. And from Antigua we'll take a boat to Jumby Bay Island.″

Her eyes widened by his words. She didn't know about Jumby Bay Island but she's read about Antigua, that island in the Caribbean with white sandy beaches and turquoise water, a little paradise without a doubt, the Caribbean being a place she's always wanted to go.

″That okay?″ Jay asked nervously when she didn't say anything.

″Yeah, of course,″ she nodded slowly. ″I just realized that I've never been outside of the US before other than Canada when I was on vacation with Hank and Camille and Justin.″

″So this is a first?″

″Uh-huh. But there's no person on this planet I want to experience this first with rather than with you,″ she smiled brightly and got on her tiptoes so she had a better access to his lips.

Her stomach was making somersaults in excitement when she murmured ″I love you,″ just before their lips melted.

 _ **'Cause all of me**_

 _ **Loves all of you**_

 _ **Love your curves and all your edges**_

 _ **All your perfect imperfactions**_

 _ **Give your all to me**_

 _ **I'll give my all to you**_

 _ **You're my end and my beginning**_

 _ **Even when I'm lose I'm winning**_

 _ **'Cause I give you all of me**_

 _ **And you give me all of you**_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! :)**


	66. You And Me

**You lovely people, thank you so much for all your feedback! Here comes the Linstead honeymoon part 1, I hope you like it! :)**

* * *

 **66\. You And Me**

Jumby Bay – a place that could simply be defined as paradise, located in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, surrounded by nothing but pure, turquoise, crystal clear water with the most stunning underwater world and coral reefs, endless white beaches with the softest sand and giant palm trees that provided shade under the torrid sun, a luxurious resort built on the island that was only as big that one could easily jog around it.

A soft breeze waved through Erin's hair, that was tied up in a high ponytail, the smell of the salty water and the sea filling her nostrils, the Caribbean sun shining in her face, her eyes protected by sunglasses, when they were on a small boat that brought them from the main island Antigua to Jumby Bay, the place where they would spend the next six days and nights. Jay had his arms wrapped around her from behind, holding her as close as possible regardless the heat and humiditiy so he could pepper kisses on her cheek all the time and whisper things into her ear excitedly as they watched the island coming closer, the buildings on it getting bigger.

″This feels like a dream,″ Erin smiled and she still couldn't believe that this was their reality for the next few days. That they would wake up to blue skies and even bluer water and would fall asleep to the most incredible sunsets. That they had as much time just for themselves as seldomly before, that they haven't had since they were parents and Emilia was the center of their life.

″So this destination is a success?″ he murmured into her ear, his stubbles scratching along her cheek. He already knew the answer. Her eyes have been sparkling like diamonds ever since he'd told her about the destination and since they'd stepped on the boat, seeing this unreal water and everything else for the first time with their own eyes, the glow that surrounded her has even grown. The same glow of pure happiness and love that was surrounding him as well. He's never been here before either, or the Caribbean in general, but it has always been a destination on his bucket list and now being here with Erin, his wife, was definitely a dream coming true. Another dream coming true thanks to her. With her.

″This is the most perfect place you could've chosen,″ she answered and turned around, giving him the brightest smile before she kissed his lips delicately slow, her hands snaking around his neck.

The boat arrived at the island a couple of minutes later and a bellhop from the resort welcomed them, taking their luggage and guiding them to the main building where they checked in and got the key cards for their little bungalow, Erin's eyes widening when they stepped into the hall with the desk because this place was fancier than everything she's ever seen. Jay'd really decided for nothing but the very best for their honeymoon.

They were told about the big pool with pool bar and all the other spa facilities they could use anytime, about arranging massages in case they were interested, about bicycles they could use and other adventurous stuff they could do like a scuba diving course or snorkeling, and where they could have breakfast and dinner in case they didn't want their meals to be delivered to their bungalow because breakfast in bed or a candle light dinner in their room were also a thing here.

When they finally stepped into their beach bungalow, Erin's eyes widened in disbelief for a second time within the last fifteen minutes and she slightly gasped for air.

″Wow,″ she exhaled. Their bungalow, that was quite far away from the other bungalows – there was in fact a lot of space and lots of tropical plants and palm trees between all the bungalows to guarantee privacy - consisted of one big, luxurious, light flooded room with a couch area, a small table with two chairs, a wardrobe, a little fridge with cooled sodas and a huge canopy bed with white curtains and lots of fluffy pillows, a heart consisting of the petals of red roses decorated on the sheets. The en-suite bathroom was just as fancy with shower, bathtub, golden faucets and all and in front of the windows of the main room, the curtains blowing in the breeze as they were open, they had their own little garden with their own whirlpool, a hammock taut between two palm trees, and beach access, the white sand and turquoise water shimmering just behind some low-cut hedges. ″This is...insane.″

″Welcome to our home for the next few days,″ he grinned and placed their suitcases next to the wardrobe so he could pull her into his embrace and kiss her mercilessly.

″You know,″ he said after the kiss, a dorky grin covering his features as he looked down into her hazel-green eyes. ″I think we're wearing way too much fabric for this climate.″ They were indeed both still wearing long pants from the flights as it had been ice cold in the planes due to the air conditioners doing a propper job and they were seriously melting by now.

″You're right. We should change into our bathing suits and use the rest of the afternoon to go to the beach,″ she chuckled and kissed him back, feeling his hand traveling under her shirt, his fingers stroking along her skin as teasingly that it sent chills down her spine, her heartbeat quicken its pace.

″I thought,″ he said, leaning down to brush his lips against hers again before he continued to tell her about his plan. ″After being up for so long already and such a long journey, we should maybe lie down in that bed first, to... _rest_ a little. What do you think?″ He kissed her once more and then looked at her for a moment, raised his eyebrow cockily to emphasize his statement. Not that she needed clarification anyway.

They've waited for the moment they would finally be in their room since they'd been at O'Hare at 3.30 this morning, so for more than 12 hours already it's all been about patience. They'd used the time until boarding their plane with canoodling in the waiting area and making other people jealous with their affection and had then continued to exchange kisses and tenderness in the planes, when Erin had curled into his side as much as the tight seats would allow them to. For a minute they'd weighed their options and considered joining the mile high club but they'd soon agreed to wait until they had more privacy and space than the lavatory of a plane. Though they had to admit that the thought was really exciting and they should and would maybe do it as culmination on their way back home, following the motto save the best for last.

″To rest, huh?″ Erin chuckled, raising her eyebrow just as cocky.

″Exactly,″ Jay murmured and captured her lips with his own again, his tongue delving into her mouth. Their clothes were discarded quickly, building a puddle on the floor, most of the pillows and the sheet with the petals joining them when the bed was tested how stable it was for the first time this week, moans, heavy breathing and exclamations of pleasure filling the air.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin giggled when Jay started to trace lazy circles onto her stomach with the tips of his fingers, caressing the sensitive skin around her navel. He was lying behind her, nuzzling his nose in her hair, holding her as close as possible to his body, almost possessively, a light sheet covering them as they just enjoyed each other's closeness after their love-making, after coming down from this special high.

Only Erin's bladder apparently didn't want them to spend too much time lying there doing nothing but exchanging tenderness, the sound of the waves hitting against the beach not being helpful at all, and so she tried to free herself from his embrace, which was quite the challenge because Jay didn't even think about letting her go anywhere else.

″Jay,″ she murmured and placed her hand atop of his so he would stop tickling her belly but her attempts only made him pulling her even closer to his own naked body. ″Let me go,″ she laughed and tried to turn her head to him.

″I'll never let you go again,″ he smirked teasingly yet honestly and kissed her cheek, his hand moving further down although she tried to hold it back from going to this one place where she would simply give in and ignore her bladder for a little while longer.

″But I need to pee,″ she chuckled, giving his hand a smack as his fingers came dangerously close to her clit.

″Way to ruin a romantic moment,″ he pouted groaning and his fingers actually stopped torturing her.

″A girl gotta pee,″ she shrugged smirkingly, placed a short kiss on the tip of his nose when he sighed dramatically, gave his hand another pat and freed herself from his grasp, making sure to wiggle her hips a little extra when she padded to the bathroom.

″You're the worst,″ he called laughingly and slightly shook his head. He loved this woman so much, it hurt in the most positive way.

When she came back, he was already out of the bed as well, wearing his bathing trunks, their bed neatly done, and collected their clothes from the floor to put them into the wardrobe along with all their other clothes from their suitcases. She quickly slipped into her black bikini and loaded with two big towels they made their way through the garden and to the beach to enjoy at least an hour or two in the sun before they had to make themselves ready for dinner.

They made a couple of goofy selfies and took pictures of this paradise they could maybe use for some kind of photo album they wanted to make about their wedding and honeymoon and also made a short video for Hank, telling him that they've arrived safely, that everything was great and that he should tell them a time when they could facetime tomorrow. They went for a swim in the waves of the ocean, the water being incredibly warm, especially compared to the temperatures they were used to from Lake Michigan and sunbathed a bit afterwards, their hands always laced, their skin always touching, until their rumbling stomachs signalised them that it was time for dinner so they could finally fill their stomachs with better food than what they'd gotten on the plane.

Dressed in a short summer dress and sandals respectively shorts and a shirt, they went to the restaurant an hour later, their eyes almost popping out of their heads when they saw the buffets that simply topped every buffet they've ever seen before. There was a huge salad bar, a buffet with all kinds of sea food and meat, various sides as in rice, noodles, vegetables and a smaller, quite colorful buffet with all kinds of tropical fruits, the most incredible watermelon carvings and a chocolate fountain. Jay had known that the food here was supposed to be outstanding but only seeing this surpassed his imaginations immensely.

Plates with salad were followed by plates with sea food and sides and later by plates full of fruits, some of them covered in chocolate and they feasted for more than an hour, refreshing cocktails accompanying their meal. While they later walked along the beach, always in the direction of the sunset, they agreed that they would only have breakfast and dinner while they were here and not eat anything else in between other than fruits throughout the day, otherwise they could roll each other home and Jay reminded Erin twinkling that they only had to do a lot of _sports_ , so they could easily eat all the food. Erin nodded eagerly in response, a dimpled smile covering her features when she told him huskily that she's probably never been up to sports more than during their time on Jumby Bay.

They sat down in the sand, Jay leaning against a palm and Erin taking the spot between his legs so she could rest her head on his chest and cocoon into his embrace as they watched the burning sun go down on the horizon, the water slowly swallowing the red fireball.

Back at their bungalow they went for some canoodling in the hammock while gazing up to the dark, clear sky and counting the stars that appeared on the firmament and later tested whether it was possible to play scrabble in a hammock when their canoodling turned into hot and passionate kisses and they figured there was too much fabric seperating them. Surprisingly they didn't fall out of the hammock while undressing each other and then worshipping each other's body but balanced everything quite good and afterwards, when their breathing had steadied and they gazed up to the stars again, their naked bodies snuggled up to each other, decided that they definitely needed to find more new places to play scrabble during their honeymoon so they could have many more firsts like this.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Good morning pumpkin,″ Hank said when he approached Emilia's crib at 7 in the morning, the 6 month-old smiling up at him. What a sunshine this kid was, happy and smiling at all times. Mostly.

″You have your mom's smile, you know that?″ he asked and scooped her up into his arms, placing a kiss on her forehead, Emmy continuing to smile at him brightly, her tiny hands reaching for his nose. ″But I guess there's at least one thing you have from your daddy besides of your eyes because you seem to be a morning person. Other than your mom,″ he laughed and captured her hand with his, kissing her little fingers.

″God, your mom as a teen...when we dared to wake her on a Sunday morning for breakfast...she wanted to jump in our faces. Every two weeks it was pancake Sunday and that's when she sat on the table downstairs in a heartbeat because she was scared Justin would eat them all but any other day we woke her up for breakfast we thought she's going to murder someone. And don't even remind me about weekdays when she had to get up by 6am. She would shuffle through the house like a grinch and only open her mouth when she absolutely had to. She would pour a cup of black coffee down and make herself one to-go, always hoping that no one wanted to start a conversation where she had to response more than a grunt.″ Hank smiled by those memories. Erin as a teen had been quite the challenge and even after she'd settled and accepted her new family and circumstances, mornings had been the worst and when they'd had a fight, it had mostly been in the morning as any kind of communication with her had nearly been impossible before it was 10am or even later.

″But I like this attitude so much more, cheeky monkey,″ he grinned, stroking his finger over her rosy cheek. ″Let's get you something to eat before your mood changes into your mom's morning-mood, huh?″ he asked her and carried her down the stairs, Crispin following on his heels.

He prepared a bottle with formula for her and filled Crispin's bowl so he could have breakfast as well and then sat down on the table in the kitchen, letting Emilia suck on the bottle. Though he was fully absorbed in the baby bubble, his eyes peering down on his granddaughter who looked up at him with her big blue eyes with those long lashes, he heard one of the steps creaking in the hall, a sound he hasn't heard in the mornings in a really long time since he's been all alone in this house for the last couple of years, a sound that made him smile. And he knew whom he had to thank for that. Erin, who'd definitely played matchmaker here when she'd told him to ask Olivia to stay for a couple more days. He'd waited until the afternoon to finally ask her and she'd immediately agreed to stay with him and Emmy for a little while longer, unpacking her already packed bag again.

″Good morning,″ Olivia smiled when she walked into the kitchen. She went to the coffee machine to fill a mug with freshly brewed coffee and one could almost think this was their usual morning routine.

″Morning,″ Hank grinned.

She placed her mug on the table and sat down as well. ″Hey Emmy, how was your night?″ she asked and embraced the baby's bare foot. ″Did you have a good sleep?″

″She was up once around four, so we went outside for a bit and she fell back asleep in my arms,″ Hank said. ″How did Noah sleep?″

″Oh you know, he occupies the better part of the bed, sleeping like a starfish,″ Liv laughed. ″So I guess he's just fine.″

″Still sleeping?″ he asked.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″But he should be up soon,″ she added, sipping on her coffee. ″So what's on our agenda today?″

″I'll take Crispin for a quick walk as soon as Emmy is done with her bottle and then we could go to the zoo later?″

″Zoo's always a big hit,″ Liv winked. Her son could go to the zoo every day and it still wouldn't get boring for him. He would still watch all the animals with big eyes like he's never seen them before.

″Then zoo it is,″ Hank nodded in response.

As soon as the bottle was empty, he put Emilia in her stroller and went for a quick walk down the block with her and Crispin and by the time he returned home, excited babbling came from the kitchen, the smell of fried bacon filling the air. He didn't know when was the last time that he's come home to chatters and someone else cooking but it felt like it's been a lifetime ago. He joined Liv and Noah in the kitchen, the latter telling him excitedly that they were going to the zoo, and they enjoyed a very entertaining breakfast together. He hasn't had that kind of breakfast for too long and only now he realized how much he's missed it.

By the time everything they needed was in his Escalade it was 10.30. They brought Crispin to the 21st so he didn't have to stay at home alone as dogs weren't allowed in the zoo, and the unit was always happy when the black and white dog, prince charming how they called him, was in the bullpen and Crispin would always get enough attention with all the volunteers throwing his toys or tickling his belly. Sometimes they would give him even too much attention and so he told the guys not to feed him too many treats, otherwise Erin and Jay would blame him for Crispin being chubbier than before they left.

The day at the zoo turned out to be a full success, Noah running from one compound to the next excitedly, always telling them which animals he saw as soon as they caught up. Naturally, Emilia didn't really get what was happening around her or that she was at a zoo, but she giggled joyfully when they were at the children's zoo and Hank guided her hand to one of the dwarf goats so she could touch the fur.

″How's that, bug?″ he asked her and placed a kiss on top of her head that was covered with a sunhat. ″Not as soft as Crispin's but still great, huh?″

″Hank, look,″ Noah called, giving another goat some of the food they'd bought. ″He likes it,″ he exclaimed excitedly.

″Good job, Noah. Just take care of your fingers,″ Hank reminded him.

″Yes,″ he smiled, dedicating his attention to the goat again.

They also stroked a sheep and some rabbits, went to watch the feeding of the seals and spent a lot of time watching the lions as they fascinated Noah the most. It was the first time that Hank had a real day off in years and never has he thought that taking care of a three-year-old and a baby could be this relaxing, could satisfy him just as much as catching some perps.

When they returned home in the early evening, Hank bathed Emilia while Liv started to prepare dinner, telling him she wanted to make some dish she was famous for, and once his granddaughter was smelling of peach and vanilla and wearing her fresh diaper and onesie, he facetimed Erin and Jay, just like they'd arranged the day before after he'd received their video.

″Hey you two,″ Hank said as soon as they appeared on the screen of his computer, palm trees and blue skies in the background.

″Hey,″ Erin smiled. ″Hey Emmy,″ she waved at her daughter who sat in Hank's lap, completely fascinated by the screen.

″How's it going princess?″ Jay asked, also waving at her. A smile appeared on Emilia's face and her joy was evident when she heard her parents's voices, maybe it was also because she could see them, who knew.

″How was your day with grandpa?″ Erin asked.

″It was great,″ Hank answered. ″We were at the zoo with Noah and Liv and had a lot of fun,″ he smirked.

″Sounds great,″ Erin smiled, giving Hank that kind of meaningful wink that he could interpret in a heartbeat.

″Which animals did you like most, huh Emmy?″ Jay asked, still making some weird and funny faces when talking with his daughter to make her squeal more.

″I think she fell in love with the dwarf goats,″ Hank said. ″But she was happiest when she was reunited with Crispin an hour ago.″

″Yeah, she adores that dog more than she adores us,″ Jay laughed.

″Could be,″ Hank chuckled. ″What about you, what did you do all day?″ he asked to keep the conversation going, not wanting to have an honest answer at all because he _knew_ very well what couples did during their honeymoon all day long, him and Camille had done it as well and as these two lovebirds for sure didn't constitute an exception, he had a pretty good idea how his daughter and his son-in-law used their time of undisturbed togetherness, trying to make the most of not having any paternal or other obligations.

″Uhm, today was just really lazy. We relaxed at the beach, went for swims, slept in the shade, used our whirlpool and had our backs massaged which was sooo good. Tomorrow we might do more than just hanging around and go snorkeling and maybe we'll rent a motorboat on Friday or Saturday to explore some bays,″ Erin answered.

″You should definitely do the snorkeling thing. I heard it's gorgeous and more beautiful than you can imagine,″ Hank said.

″We will,″ Jay assured him just as Liv called Hank for dinner from the kitchen.

″Dinner's ready,″ he told them.

″Yeah, we'll head for dinner, too, we're kind of starving″ Erin grinned. ″Goodnight baby girl, sleep well later,″ she added and blew Emmy a kiss.

″Byebye princess, we love you,″ Jay said, giving her a virtual kiss as well.

″Tell Liv we said hi,″ Erin said to Hank. ″And have fun with whatever you guys will do tomorrow,″ she smiled.

″You too,″ Hank smiled back and took Emilia's hand to wave at them before they ended the call.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Honeymoon was definitely the best kind of vacation for many reasons and Erin and Jay contemplated whether they should maybe go on a honeymoon- _like_ vacation once a year now, being a little selfish in this case by going to some kind of paradise as just the two of them, leaving their daily grind and all their obligations behind for at least five to seven days a year. When Jay said that they could easily go on a honeymoon every year, to celebrate their wedding anniversary for example, Erin teased him and said that it was only special as long as they were newlyweds and completely in that pink bubble of love and Jay melted her heart when he said that he's been completely in love with her for years now and that he would always be, that he would continue to live in this pink bubble for as long as they lived because the love of his life was his wife now and he would never not be completely in love with her like a lovestruck teenager that experienced these kind of overwhelming feelings for the very first time.

They proved the typical honeymoon-clichee, that this time as newlyweds was used for lots of intimate moments, right and showed their affection for the other multiple times a day when they found the sweetest of releases and after the hammock on the evening before, they went for a scrabble-session in their whirlpool the evening after. Among others and followed by round four of that day, their bed being the witness once more this time, before they fell asleep quite wearily.

After their second night in paradise, they would again start the morning with making more love as they definitely had to begin their days in the same way they ended them, their still naked bodies from the activities from the previous evening attracting each other like magnets as their skin touched and their fingers started to explore the other's body lazily, tenderly and then hurriedly as if they had never explored it before. They would drive each other nuts with their fingers and hands and tongues, with their touches and kisses and sucks before they couldn't hold back any longer and he finally thrusted into her, her wet walls welcoming him, pushing in and out of her and they would then find release simultaneously.

This day was the first one they didn't spend all lazy at the beach, so after showering together – they needed to keep their average going after all since they would be away from their private room and beach for the most part of the day - and having the best and most delicious breakfast they joined two other couples and a guide on a boat for a day full of snorkeling and discovering the colorful and truly incredible underwater world of the Caribbean sea. They drove to the most beautiful coral reefs located around various islands and neither Jay nor Erin have ever seen something equally stunning before. The vibrant colors of the reefs along with all the beautiful, diverse and colorful Caribbean fish were truly mesmerizing and outstanding and took their breaths away and each and every coral reef they explored was different than the one before.

Not only this day flew by but also the following one that they spent by the pool and at their private beach again, doing nothing but reading, snuggling, sleeping, sunbathing, swimming and yeah, that other thing they tended to do quite often these days. The freckles that have shown up all over Jay's face and body due to the huge amount of time they were spending in the sun combined with his stubble he hasn't shaved in days now and his hair being kind of curly whenever it got wet turned Erin on immensely and she wanted to run her fingers through his hair and kiss and touch him all the time, her lust taking the better of her. Thankfully the feeling was mutual and Jay couldn't keep his hands and lips from his wife away either as her by now slightly tanned skin was only covered with the tiniest bit of fabric that her bikini was.

In the early evening, they surprisingly even managed to work out a bit in the hotel's fitness room that was almost as big as a gym as a sudden wave of motivation overcame them but they kept their training short anyway and only for good conscience as they had a significant better way to wear themselves out than with treadmills and lifting weights.

As Jay nonchalantly and teasingly mentioned during dinner that evening, that they easily could've saved a whole lot of money and stayed somewhere close to Lake Michigan if the almost only thing they did was having sex, they found themselves packing their carry-on bags on Friday morning as they now had quite big plans for this day and the following Saturday, plans that consisted of leaving Jumby Bay for the next 36 or so hours. After breakfast and receiving a picnic basket and ice box with all kinds of beverages and food from the hotel, a boat brought them over to Antigua where they'd organized the rent of a motorboat at the harbor and after getting a handful of instructions that mainly had to do with anchoring the boat, they were off to explore all the little, uninhabited islands with their gorgeous, lonely bays.

″Babe, where are you?″ Jay called from outside, the sound of the waves crushing against the shore almost swallowing his voice. They'd anchored their boat at one of these incredibly beautiful bays, where the water seemed even bluer and everything was even more peaceful and quiet, a couple of minutes ago and while Jay was already outside to prepare their picnic area, she'd excused herself under deck for a minute as she had a very special surprise for him, one he sure as hell didn't envisage at all. She was kind of proud of herself that she'd managed to keep this a secret from him, ordering these special items at the reception on their first evening when she'd excused herself to the bathroom during dinner, picking them up after her massage when a delivery guy from the shop in Antigua had especially brought them the next day and then putting them in her bag while he'd been in the bathroom this morning.

″Just give me one more minute,″ she called back, taking another reassuring glance into the mirror and giggling slightly at how ridiculous she looked in that special outfit. But she would do anything for her man, especially since he's teased her about it for so long and talking about it over and over again, making his point clear that this was really something he wished to see.

″You have 45 more seconds before I'm coming and get you myself,″ he laughed while Erin took the few steps up to deck.

″I'm here,″ she chuckled, his back currently facing her as he arranged a couple of things on their sheets.

″Amazing! What did even take you so-,″ he asked, his jaw dropping and his mouth losing his ability to form words when he turned his head around and saw her standing on deck of the boat in the shortest of hula skirts that sat low on her hips. She was wearing some kind of matching bra that only consisted of a couple of colorful orchids and covered almost only her nipples. A lei with the same flowers hung around her neck and there were petals tucked behind her ears, her brown-blonde waves flapping in the sea breeze.

″Surprise,″ she smirked sheepishly and as he simply kept on staring at her, which was by the way the best feeling in the world, eating her up with his eyes, she couldn't hold back the sass that came with his facial expression being completely incredulous and his jaw literally on the floor. ″I would close my mouth before some Caribbean mosquitoes decide to make themselves a home in there.″

″Holy fuck Erin,″ he breathed out, the biggest of smiles appearing on his face. He couldn't take his eyes away from her and roamed every inch of her body when he waded through the shallow water to the boat so he could lift her right into his arms. He's seen her in the sexiest lingerie with lots of lace countless times, red, black, purple, in string panties and all but this was a sight he hasn't expected to see ever and damn did she look amazing and beyond sexy in that fucking hula skirt and seeing this for real was so much better than where his mind had always gone when he'd teased her about it. His wife knew how to wear the shit out of such an outfit. Not that this was a particularly surprising discovery since she even wore the shit out of his old shirts that were too big for her and were only long enough to fall over her butt.

″Always knew you'd be one for hula skirts,″ he murmured huskily when he lifted her into his strong arms and only let her down enough so her feet dipped into the water and they were eyes-to-eyes, lips-to-lips. ″I could get used to that. _So_ sexy,″ he whispered against her lips.

″You better don't. That's some kind of once-in-a-lifetime thing,″ she chuckled in response after his lips had released hers.

″So I better make the most of that, huh?″

″That would be wise,″ she grinned and she placed another lingering kiss on his lips before he carried her through the water and to the sheets where they were _supposed_ to have their picnic.

He lay her down on the blanket, her hair fanned out, and took in the sight of his wife in that little outfit once more. Some rays of sunshine shined in her face and let her glow even more, eyes full of undeniable love were blinking up at him and for a moment he got lost in her green orbs.

″God Erin, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on,″ he said, his voice low, his mouth speaking out loud the thoughts that swirled through his mind and Erin felt her cheeks blushing. He leaned down to kiss her slowly in a way that made her heart stop and beat faster all at once, their lips melting into each other, his hand stroking her thigh simultaneously and traveling under the hula skirt she was especially wearing for him and no later than when he discovered that she wasn't wearing anything underneath, the picnic and their rumbling stomachs were forgotten. Not that this was what they'd aimed for when he'd carried her to the blankets anyway.

Their love-making was incredible and breathtaking, just as always, but something about this place, about being the only people on this island and no other humans anywhere around them made it even more special and their groans and exclamations and riding out their orgasms were especially loud, no holding back here in the middle of nowhere.

″I love you so much,″ Jay murmured, his breathing still not anywhere near of being steady, their bodies covered in sweat, sand sticking on them as his hand moved up and down her spine. He pressed a gentle kiss against her forehead and she snuggled even closer to him subsconciously, her arm lying across his chest, her leg draped over his.

″I love you so much, too,″ Erin grinned, her eyes closed as she enjoyed these pure moments of afterglow, and as she was too lazy to lift her head she only pressed a light kiss onto his chest where her head rested at her favorite place in the world.

They continued to lie there in silence, hands and fingers caressing their bare skin lazily and they only moved when their stomachs signalised them that they needed to be filled with food, not love. They ate chicken wraps and muffins and fruits and when they had the feeling that they'd eaten too much for their own good, they went for a swim that soon turned into water fights and chases, their laughters possibly hearable all over the island.

They left the island somewhat reluctantly a little later, Erin wearing that outfit for Jay again because he deserved to see her in it a little longer and she hadn't organized all of this only that he could peel her out of it after five minutes, and continued to explore the Caribbean sea with stopping by at three other islands that were equally beautiful and lonely before they headed back to the harbor of Antigua. And long before they even saw their destination on the horizon, this day provided them another highlight when suddenly three dolphins were swimming alongside their boat, jumping in and out of the water joyfully. As neither Jay nor Erin have seen these incredible animals before, they turned the engine down and watched them in awe for a moment, trying to take some photos and videos they could show their daughter one day. Even when they continued their journey back to the harbor, the dolphins kept on guiding them and only left them once the big island got into sight.

They returned the boat and strolled to a hotel not too far away from the harbor where they would spend the night as they had more adventurous plans for the following day that required them to stay at the main island instead of going back to Jumby Bay. Naturally the hotel wasn't as fancy as the resort, though it was even impossible to find a fancier one, but for only one night they didn't need more than a bathroom and a bed. And after going out for dinner at a restaurant close by the water, where they could watch the sun go down while eating seafood on the patio, another perfect day found another perfect ending.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Babe, wake up,″ Erin purred into Jay's ear at 3.30 in the morning, peppering soft kisses along his jaw, his stubble scratching on her lips.

″Huh?″ he mumbled disorientated, his eyes fluttering open slowly.

″We have to get up,″ she said quite excitedly for that time of the day.

″How late is it?″ he yawned, stretching his limbs.

″3.30.″

″Oh god,″ he sighed and pulled his pillow over his head.

″Come on, don't be such a sleepyhead,″ Erin chuckled and reached for the pillow to throw it down on the floor so she could kiss his lips and tease him a little more.

He opened his eyes again and gave her a confused look. ″Who are you and what did you do with Erin, my morning grouch?″

″Who are you and what did you do with my Jay, _the_ morning person par excellence?″ she laughed in response and stradled him with one fast move, her hands stroking his bare chest, her eyebrow raised playfully as she looked down at him.

″I'm tired. You know, my wife wore me out last night,″ he noticed casually but he couldn't keep a straight face as a smirk tugged in the corners of his lips.

″Pretty sure my husband didn't complain last night,″ she sassed back. ″So get that lazy body up,″ she added, gave his chest a pat, kissed the tip of his nose and left the place on his hips and pelvis to get up and go to the bathroom for a quick shower before they would head out.

″Ey, what about our newly established morning-routine?″ he pouted.

″Well, a minute ago my husband whined that I wore him out, so I thought the poor guy needs to take a break,″ she teased him, biting her lower lip innocently. ″But in case he feels super energetic out of a sudden, he only needs to get his ass out of the bed and join me in the shower.″ With these words she turned around and walked the short distance to the bathroom, throwing him another look over her shoulder before she closed the door slowly. Jay needed exactly ten seconds to jump out of the bed, leaving the comfy mattress behind, and open the door to the bathroom so they could enjoy this very early morning shower together.

They left the hotel around 45 minutes later and hiked to Shirley Heights, an overlook from where they had a tremendous view over the English Harbor and the Falmouth Harbor with all the yachts and sailing boats and the mountains in the south of Antigua. The only reason they'd gotten up this early was because they wanted to see the sunrise. Even before the sun came up, the few clouds and the sky shined in all colors of orange, red and purple and when the sun started to rise, a bright yellow was mixed into it as well. And when all these colors sparkled from the early morning sky, almost like some rainbow, they knew that every minute of less sleep they'd gotten this morning has been more than worth it as this was the most beautiful sunrise they've witnessed in their lives so far.

The sun rose further, all the colors from the dawn slowly disappearing and leaving blue skies behind, but they stayed there anyway to enjoy the view, to listen to the birds and soak in these moments in this little paradise they would probably only have once in a lifetime. Erin cocooned into Jay's arms, the one place that would always provide her a home no matter where she was. The tweets of the birds were more beautiful than any kind of music could ever be and it almost lulled them into some kind of slumber. Before they would really fall asleep and wake up with the biggest sunburn in history, they decided to leave this perfect place on the heights and go back to their hotel so they could check out and return to Jumby Bay where they could have a late breakfast.

With their fingers intertwined they walked back to the hotel, stopping by at a charmingly small bakery by the harbor as Jay's stomach was rumbling as loud that it could easily wake up the entire neighborhood and they were back at their resort on Jumby Bay two hours later where they spent the rest of the day with relaxing at the beach, in the hammock or in the whirlpool.

″Look at that,″ Erin smiled when they were lying in the shade of some palm trees, bringing her phone up in front of Jay's face.

He opened his eyes, needing a moment to adjust them to the brightness before he could see the picture she was showing him. Crispin was lying on his side on Emilia's blanket, apparently sleeping, Emilia basically lying half on him, her head resting on his neck, her hands burried in his fur while she was sleeping as well.

″Isn't this the most adorable thing?″ he chuckled, not being able to take his eyes away from the photo.

″Uh-huh,″ she grinned. ″Hank wrote he has no idea how they got into this position,″ she laughed. ″Said he went to the kitchen to heat up her pulp and when he came back he found them like this.″

″Little rascals,″ he chuckled. ″I miss them. I miss Emmy more than Crispin though but I also miss this clown.″ Their daily five minutes facetime-sessions and the pictures they got were great but by far not enough to help them closing the hole in their hearts that was there because their baby wasn't with them.

″I miss them, too,″ Erin agreed. ″I miss our little girl so much and I can't wait to hold her in my arms again. I mean, I enjoy this time with you entirely because it's such a rare thing and we really needed this and it's all sorts of perfect. Everything we do here is amazing and distracting but I can't help but feel that something's missing, that I'm not complete, you know?″

″Yeah,″ he nodded. ″I feel the same. I think I could never be without her for more than a week.″

″Those seven days are enough because no matter how beautiful it is to be here and how much I enjoy every second of it, I can't wait to be back on Monday evening,″ she smiled.

″And then Wisconsin,″ he murmured and lifted his head so his lips could meet hers.

″I can't wait to be back there. It's been too long,″ she said, thinking back to the last time they had been there when the man who was now her husband had asked her to become his wife.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

As if this little paradise wanted to show them that it was time to go home, a heavy tropical thunderstorm approached Antigua and the surrounding islands that evening, the penultimate evening they spent here, so they were forced to spend this last part of the day inside of their bungalow instead of having a late-night bath in the whirlpool. They listened to the rain pouring down on the roof and watched the lightnings streaking through the ominous dark sky with all those heavy clouds. As thunderstorms weren't Erin's thing at all, she once again found her safe spot in Jay's arms and soon they were distracted enough anyway and sent into oblivion that she didn't care about thunder and lightning anymore.

The pouring rain stayed while the thunder and lightning and storm disappeared and after their countless time of love-making within the last few days, their naked bodies matted together in silence, Jay suddenly moved and said: ″Come on.″

″What?″ she asked in confusion and looked up at him.

″Let's go outside,″ he winked and the only response he got was a furrowed brow. ″It's going to be fun,″ he added.

″It's pouring the shit down from heaven,″ Erin said, looking at him like she was contemplating whether he was joking or possibly had a sunstroke. But it seemed like her husband was dead serious about this.

″So what?″ he shrugged. ″You never danced in the rain?″

″Uhm, no. Rain usually hasn't been an occasion that made me dance.″

″Then let's change that,″ he smirked, got up and reached for her hand. ″Come on, babe.″

She took his hand reluctantly and let him pull her up right into his arms, still looking at him like he was out of his mind. Jay placed a kiss on the tip of her nose and then pulled her towards the French window with him, stopping shortly before they stepped outside.

″You know, my mom and Will and me danced in the rain occasionally,″ he explained, his blue eyes super soft as he opened up about another chapter of his growing-up. ″Because she had that kind of favorite quote that she told us all the time whenever life got tough.″

″What quote?″ Erin asked carefully, curiously, her hand resting right above his heart.

″Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain,″ he said, remembering his mother's voice while speaking out these words for the first time in fifteen to twenty years.

Erin looked up at him, her eyes never leaving his as her mind processed these words. This quote that fit to them just as well. Their life had been stormy in the past and it would for sure continue to be stormy at times in the future but it was only about how they dealt with these storms. Whether they let them consume them and blow them away or whether they would accept them, stand up to them and make the best out of them. Would not wait for them to pass but learn to dance in the rain.

Her smile grew bigger when she realized how much this quote applied to them and how much she wanted to follow this motto and make this their quote. She got on her tiptoes so she could reach his lips and kiss them gently.

"This is beautiful," she whispered. ″Let's go and dance in the rain then,″ she added and now she was the one pulling him outside.

And like this they danced through the garden and along their private beach until their hair was drenched from the warm summer rain, until they fell down in the wet sand giggling, making memories they would never forget, would never let go, would keep in their hearts forever...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Honeymoon part 2 coming up next ;)**


	67. Under Starry Skies

**Thanks for your feedback once again! Hope you enjoy the Linstead honeymoon part II :)**

* * *

 **67\. Under Starry Skies**

With a delay of 18 minutes, flight AA234 from Miami landed at O'Hare a couple of minutes after midnight, bringing Erin and Jay, fresh members of the mile high club, back to the city they called home, back to reality. Returning to Chicago this late at night meant they could only meet their daughter in the morning but it had been the only possibility to avoid traveling for 25+ hours and spending lots of time hanging out at airports just like their outbound flight at 5.00 in the morning a week ago had been the only one to bring them from Chicago to Antigua within 10 hours and not wasting too much time with waiting for connection flights.

By the time they arrived at their apartment it was 1.13am and they fell into their king-sized bed deadbeat, trying to catch as much sleep as possible as they had a 6-hours car drive up north to Wisconsin ahead of them in the morning. They'd set their alarms for 7.30 but the anticipation of being reunited with their bundle of joy made them wake up almost an hour before their alarms would have interrupted their sleep and after showering together – they had to keep those honeymoon vibes alive for as long as they could after all – they loaded the car with the bags they'd packed beforehand last week, making sure they haven't forgotten anything essential. They threw some of their dirty laundry from Jumby Bay they would absolutely need at the cabin into an extra bag to wash it there and after pouring down a cup of black coffee each, they already left the place, that soon wouldn't be their home anymore, again. They made a quick stop at their favorite coffee shop on the way to Hank to buy sandwiches and the best muffins of Chicago for their drive as well as a box full of donuts as they wanted to stop by at the 21st for a second later to say hi to their favorite colleagues and bring them this very healthy breakfast.

Erin's heart was pounding in her chest in excitement when they knocked at Hank's door and Jay also felt as excited as a kid on Christmas Morning. They both couldn't wait to hold their princess in their arms again, to cuddle with her and kiss her soft cheeks, to simply spend time with this little person they couldn't live without anymore.

″Look who's there,″ Hank said when he opened the door, holding Emilia in his arms and the moment the 6-month-old saw her parents, she reached out for them and started to smile as bright and squeaked as joyfully that Erin had trouble to keep some tears of joy at bay.

″Hey sweetie, hey my favorite little girl,″ she said hoarsely and reached for her to take her from Hank's arms into her own to press her against her chest and inhale her scent, her hand moving up and down her tiny back.

″Hey princess,″ Jay said, stroking his hand over her head before leaning down to place a kiss there. ″We missed you so much, Emmy,″ he whispered and in the same moment Crispin came running around the corner, barking in joy, wagging his tail excitedly. He ran around them, not being able to decide which of his masters he wanted to greet first and jumped up and down like a bouncy ball.

″Hey buddy, how's it going?″ Jay asked and leaned down to tickle him behind his ears and stroke him extensively. ″Did you miss us, huh?″

″Hey Crisp,″ Erin smiled and handed Emilia to Jay so he could cuddle with her and she could say hi to their four-legged child. ″You excited to go to Wisconsin with us?″

As if he wanted to say yes, he tried to lick her face. ″You know I don't like those wet kisses,″ she laughed, running her hand through his soft fur. All the time, Hank was standing in the doorframe, watching this beautiful scene of a family being reunited right in front of his eyes and finding joy in their obvious joy.

″Don't you kiddos want to come in for a minute? I have coffee and I might made pancake batter,″ he smirked. He knew how much Erin loved his pancakes.

Erin turned her attention from Crispin, who by now lay on her feet to make sure she kept on tickling him, to Hank, feeling a little bad instantly because between Emilia and the dog, saying hi to the man she considered her father had gone short.

″You made pancake batter to make us the best pancakes in the world and we haven't even said hi to you yet,″ Erin smiled sheepishly and told Crispin to get up so she could walk to her father-figure to fall into his embrace and hug him tightly.

″Those two were way more important,″ Hank winked and kissed her forehead.

″Naah, the man who's kept them happy for the last seven days is just as important,″ Erin argued, resting her head in the crook of his neck for a moment. ″Thank you.″

″It was a pleasure,″ Hank assured her. ″Come on in now.″

Jay and Hank shook their hands accompanied with a fatherly pat on the back from the older and more thank yous were exchanged before they went inside the house that once had been Erin's home, Crispin still running around them like a crazy whilst Emilia was babbling in her own language in her father's arms, her hands always reaching for his face because this was her favorite thing to do. They settled around the kitchen table and filled their mugs with coffee while Hank started to make pancakes, easy small-talk filling the air.

″When did Liv and Noah leave?″ Erin asked, Emilia being back with her now and sitting in her lap, occupied with a spoon while Crispin had his head resting on Jay's thigh so he couldn't do anything else but tickle him behind his ears which was exactly what the young dog demanded.

″On Sunday evening,″ Hank answered.

″Did you guys have a great time?″ she asked, sipping on her coffee, trying not to make it too obvious what she really wanted to know.

″Yeah,″ Hank nodded and his back faced them they couldn't see him smiling. ″We were at the zoo and the aquarium, went to that big playground in downtown, were out of the city at some beach and on Saturday, Justin, Olive and the boys were here for a barbeque. Noah and Danny really get along great and they had a lot of fun.″

″Sounds perfect,″ Erin smiled. ″I hope we'll repeat that kind of barbeque soon.″

″Sure. I heard you guys are throwing a big housewarming party soon so that's the perfect occasion for such a thing, right?″ he laughed. ″Plus, my birthday's coming up and I thought about celebrating a little bigger this year, with the whole unit around and not only you, Jay, Justin, Olive and the kids.″

″This is a great idea,″ Erin agreed. There was nothing better than the legendary Voight-BBQ's that have only made a comeback recently. ″Will Liv and Noah also come for that party?″ she asked casually but she actually knew that Hank would catch up on the keynote of that question in a heartbeat.

″Maybe,″ he shrugged, knowing that this wasn't a satisfying answer for her and so he changed the topic to something else. ″But enough about me. How was the honeymoon? What did you do except of relaxing?″

″Not much more than what we told you,″ Erin answered, taking another sip from her coffee.

″We played a lot of scrabble,″ Jay answered ever so casual and unexpected that Erin almost spilled the coffee in her mouth all over the table. However, she magically managed to gulp it down which resulted in heavy coughing.

Jay almost cracked up by her reaction, smirking mischievously when he asked: ″You good?″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded, her cheeks flushed and her wide eyes signalised something like _what the hell?!_

″Scrabble?″ Hank asked and turned around to them, eyeing them skeptically.

″Yeah, it's a great game. Really...versatile,″ Jay answered and Erin, coughing once more by his answer, had no idea how he managed to keep a straight face.

″Is it?″ Hank asked, still this suspicious look on his face. The last thing he could imagine was Erin and Jay playing one round of Scrabble after the other when they were at such a paradisaic place. Definitely not what he would do during his honeymoon but whatsoever. ″Weird thing to do during your honeymoon but I guess it was fun then?″ he asked and turned around to the pancakes again.

″A lot,″ Erin said, recovered from the shock of Jay blurting their main activities out in front of her father-figure after she'd realized that Hank had no clue what Jay was talking about. _Thankfully_. ″It kind of became our...addiction,″ she chuckled lightly, placing her hand on Jay's thigh and squeezing it gently while she raised her eyebrow cockily as she looked at him. If he wanted to play this, she was in the game now as well.

″We could arrange some kind of game-night during fall and winter and play it here,″ Hank suggested and this time it was Jay who almost spilled his coffee through the entire kitchen and now it was him coughing hardly as some of the coffee has run down his trachea instead of his esophagus when he'd swallowed the black liquid down too quick before this accident could happen.

Hank turned around to them again, watching them even more skeptically than before. ″What's going on with you guys today?″

″Air conditioners,″ Erin answered quickly, making up a story in no time. ″In the plane,″ she added seriously. ″They kinda screwed up our throats.″

″Uh-huh,″ Hank nodded and for a moment it looked like he contemplated whether this was a believeable explanation. ″Don't get sick then,″ he said and dedicated his attention back to the pancakes before they would get burnt.

″We won't, no worries,″ Erin assured him and only now she turned her gaze to Jay, giving him the most innocent smirk accompanied by a sassy wink.

″This was the greatest white lie of the century,″ he murmured into her ear as quietly that only she could hear him.

″Well, someone had to save your ass and get us out of the mess you maneuvered us in, right?″ she whispered just as quiet, a winning smile rushing over her lips because whether he wanted to admit it or not, she had saved the situation he'd started by coming up with an explanation quicker than he'd been able to think about one. He would only have stammered something in response and Hank had most probably figured out that Scrabble in their vocabulary hadn't the same meaning as Scrabble in his vocabulary.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They survived the breakfast without any further incidents as Jay didn't try to be sassy for a second time and it seemed like he's learned his lesson for now. Afterwards they loaded the stroller and the bags with Emilia's toys and clothes and Crispin's bed and toys in the car, the trunk not providing enough space as it was already half full only with Crispin's folding transport box and together with the stroller, the travel bed, the dog bed and two of their bags it was as full that the use of the rearview mirror would be impossible. In the end everything found a spot in the car anyway but one could say that it was going to be a cozy drive.

Hank followed them with his Escalade when they drove to the 21st as his furlough was over and the surprise was huge when he walked up the stairs to the bullpen with Jay, Erin and Emilia in tow.

″What are you guys doing here?″ Antonio asked laughingly.

″We thought we bring you breakfast and pity you for having to work without us for another week,″ Jay grinned and embraced his friend brotherly.

″Aren't they generous, our Mr and Mrs Halstead?″ Adam joked and gathered around them, and the donut box in particular, as well.

″How was the honeymoon?″ Kevin asked and pulled Erin into one of his famous teddy-bear hugs.

″All sorts of amazing,″ Erin smiled.

″Yeah, those photos you sent were mean,″ Antonio half-complained. ″Was it as beautiful as it looked?″

″It was even more beautiful,″ Erin answered, thinking back to their little paradise. ″It's one of those places its beauty can't be reflected or captured by photos.″

″I might have to go there one day,″ Antonio winked.

″You should, bro,″ Jay agreed.

″Okay, now that we cleared that, on to the important questions,″ Adam said, his dorky grin revealing his intention where this was probably headed.

″Yeah?″ Erin frowned, raising her eyebrow at her younger colleague and preparing herself for another verbal fight that she would of course win in the end. Because when had she ever not beat Adam Ruzek when he'd tried to be a sassy little shit? ″What could that be?″

″How many times did you have sex?″ he asked without batting an eye and for a moment it was dead silent.

″Yo, bro-″ Antonio stepped in, trying to make clear that this was _not_ what they wanted to know, that this was _not_ something he should've asked as it was none of anyone's business and quite inappropriate. But Erin interrupted Antonio before he could lecture him. Sometimes it amazed her that even after more than four years of working together, Adam still thought he could mess with her.

″Probably more often than you've had in your life so far,″ she said casually, dryly but still with a hint of sass and as laughters errupted it seemed like the others were breathing again as well.

″I doubt that,″ Adam answered flippantly but Erin knew she's got him thinking and was in the better position now.

″You sure?″ Erin asked. ″Because men who ask something like that are either sexually unsatisfied...or just simply have a really small one,″ she winked, emphasizing her statement by showing the _size_ with two of her fingers.

″Woooooh, that hurt,″ Kevin laughed, giving his best friend a pat on the back.

″Naaaah. Erin, you're barking up the wrong tree here,″ Adam said.

″See, that's something I doubt,″ Erin sassed. ″And the more you try to defend yourself, the more you make us believe that I'm right,″ she shrugged.

″Ruz, by now you should know that you can't win against her,″ Antonio smirked.

″I will. One day. Be prepared,″ Adam grinned. ″And anyway, I just wanted to know whether the rumors about newlyweds on honeymoon are true.″

″Why would you want to know that? Because after three times only popping the question and showing the white feather this would be _the_ reason for you to finally make it to the altar?″ Erin asked, not having any compassion for him. He'd started this, thinking he was cheekier than her, and now he had to deal with the aftermath, with her showing him that he still had so much to learn until their little fights would be on an equal footing.

″I guess that would be your time to surrender,″ Kevin said, trying not to laugh while Antonio bumped his fist with Erin's. Until the day Adam really learned his lesson they would all be on her side and no one could deny that they didn't enjoy those verbal fights and seeing Adam lose every damn time.

″Yeah, that's not such a bad idea,″ Adam agreed.

″Wise decision, buddy,″ Erin chuckled and walked past him, murmuring into his ear to mess with him a little more and leave this pictures in his head: ″And just so you know, the rumors are true.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Driving for six hours with a six-month-old baby was a challenge to say the least. Emilia, who'd unfortunately taken her forenoon nap while they'd been in the bullpen, was not happy that she had to lie in her car-seat all the time, the hanging toys on the handle bar not providing enough entertainment for her liking. Erin spent only the first thirty minutes with riding shotgun before Emmy started to show her dissatisfaction loudly. She changed to the back to sit next to her – they'd especially left that seat free of any bags in wise foreknowledge - so she could entertain her with rattles and stuffies and give her her bottle with cold fennel tea.

Around noon and after only one-and-a-half hours of driving, they made a short break at a highway rest stop to stretch their legs, take Crispin for a walk, feed Emilia her pulp and let her stand on her own feet on their thighs before they settled her into the car seat again for the next couple of hours. They changed positions, Erin now driving and Jay taking care of Emmy staying satisfied and when she was finally asleep again, he sneaked back into the passenger's seat on the next occasion.

″I thought a six-hours drive nine months pregnant is hard to top but this...,″ she chuckled slightly.

″It's maybe not the best age for such a trip as she's too agile for just lying in her car seat for hours. If she was younger, she would sleep most of the time and if she was like a year old we could let her watch something on the iPad,″ he said. ″I know that we want to raise her with as less iPad and TV and all the other stuff as possible but on such an occasion it would be a good thing to keep all of us happy and in a good mood,″ he laughed.

″Yeah, there are always exceptions,″ Erin agreed. ″I just don't want her to grow up getting used to it and I don't want to be that kind of parent that places their child in front of the TV or the iPad constantly just that she keeps her mouth shut. Maybe I'm old-fashioned here but I rather sit in the sandbox with my child and keep her entertained myself than place her in front of the TV so I can clean the bathroom or the kitchen. Cleaning can always wait,″ she chuckled.

″Especially when your name's Erin Halstead, huh?″ Jay teased her.

″Probably,″ she smirked. ″But seriously, I just want her to learn to occupy herself with her toys, to be mesmerized by puzzles and stacking toys and lego bricks and sorting cubes and balls and xylophones and not some cartoon on TV.″

″That's how I want her to grow up as well,″ Jay said, placing his hand atop of hers. ″But as much as we imagine and want it to be like this, I know that there'll be days full of meltdowns when we're so done that placing her in front of the TV is the only way to restore the domestic peace. And it wouldn't mean we failed,″ he said quite emphatically. He never wanted her to think that she was a bad mother ever again because she was the very best mother by all measures, so he'd needed to providently tell her that _they_ , not she, would not be bad parents in case the TV was the only option left to avoid further drama.

″I know,″ she nodded in response. ″Maybe we're lucky and our daughter is the most perfect angel,″ she chuckled, not believing it herself.

″She's your daughter...″ Jay only said meaningfully, teasingly.

″You mean that precludes it?″ she grinned, raising an eyebrow at him.

″Noooo,″ he laughed and shook his head. ″It just means chances are high that she is some kind of rascal-whirlwind-angel with too much energy and a strong mind of her own.″ He leaned to her and placed a kiss on her cheek, whispering into her ear: ″That means she would be all like you. And given the fact that you're the strongest, most nimble-witted woman I know, this wouldn't be such a bad thing.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The decision that they would drive back home overnight the following week so Emilia would sleep all the way along was made quickly and after what seemed like endless hours of driving, another stop at a service plaza to change Emmy's diaper, Erin afterwards sitting in the back again to read her stories, tickle her belly and keep her smiling by bringing her favorite toys up in front of her face, and a stop at the last big supermarket before the wilderness of Northern Wisconsin - only all these very small towns with even smaller mom-and-pop-stores following afterwards - to buy all the things, mostly nurishments, they needed for the next few days, they finally arrived at the Halstead family cabin in the early evening.

Setting feet on the ground and inhaling this fresh air up here in the middle of nowhere, the birds welcoming them with crazy chirping, felt like coming home, the lake already waiting for them swimming in it, the garden with all the colorful flowers and big trees waiting for them to relax in the sun and the cabin with this unbelievably cozy bed under the roof slopes waiting for family cuddling in the mornings.

″Welcome to daddy's cabin,″ Erin sang after she'd picked Emilia up into her arms. ″It's one of the most beautiful places in the world.″ And it wasn't only that, the beauty of this perfect place mesmerizing her, it was also that they'd created quite a lot of memories here, that quite a lot of things had happened her. Like Jay opening up to her like he's never done before over a year ago, telling her about his father, his mother, his time in Afghanistan and all the demons he's been battling silently until this point. Like drinking lime juice and eating chocolate ice cream and dancing in the moonlight, relieving some of Jay's childhood memories by doing so and creating new ones at the same time. This was the place where she'd recognized that she could be pregnant, what back then had freaked her out, had turned her world upside down and was now the best thing that could ever have happened to her. This was the place where Jay'd proposed to her on New Year's Eve, where they'd a couple days later freaked out for a minute when she thought she was in labor at 36 weeks while being snowed in and cut off from the outside world. And now they were here with their daughter, who'd been with them all three times they were here before, but only in Erin's belly when she'd been around 8 weeks, 21 weeks and 36 weeks pregnant. Now they could show Emilia this peaceful piece of nature and make many more memories that also included this blue-eyed, brown-blonde-haired girl that was half her and half Jay, at least genetic-wise.

″It is _the_ most beautiful place in the world,″ Jay murmured into her ear from behind, wrapping his arms around his two girls. ″Because the two most beautiful girls are here as well.″

″Yeah, I guess this incredibly hot, _Adonic_ man I call mine kinda upgrades it to the most beautiful place with the most amazing _views_ ,″ she smirked and turned around to him, looking at him with literal heart-eyes, and brushed her lips against his.

Unloading the car took quite some time and there were moments when Jay wondered how they'd managed to load all of their stuff into their car because one could seriously think they wanted to stay here for a month given all the things that found their way into the cabin. He brought all their things inside, Erin meanwhile throwing some of Crispin's toys through the garden so the young dog could finally stretch his legs by running around and chasing after balls and all the other things that were his.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay, the master chef how Erin occasionally called him, was in charge for dinner on their first evening and probably for the remainder of the week as well and while he prepared grilled steaks with potatoes and corn, Erin was upstairs to build up the travel bed in the nursery they'd started to decorate and equip back in December. She filled the drawers with diapers and Emilia's clothes and found spots for all the various toys they'd brought and when she was done arranging and rearranging stuff, she had to admit that this was a pretty perfect nursery, charming on all ends and she wished they could be here more often than once or twice a year.

By the time they finally had dinner on the patio, the sun low over the lake, it was as late that Emmy already slept in her stroller next to them and after a stroll along the road that led to the cabin, as walking along the lake with its rather small and bumby paths or meadows with the grass as high that it reached up over their thighs was a tad bit difficult with the stroller, they tucked Emmy in together, Crispin staying with her as always, and made themselves comfortable in their hammock in the garden.

Erin's eyes were already heavy with sleep, it's been a very long day with not as much sleep the night before, her head resting right above his heart, the rhythmic pounding in addition with his fingers lazily trailing up and down her arm slowly lulling her into slumber.

″You know, I've been wondering,″ he murmured into her hair. ″After joining the mile high club, is there even a more exciting place? Especially around here...″ The huskiness in his voice let her eyes flutter open in a heartbeat.

″Probably not,″ Erin giggled and thinking back to their quickie in the lavatory on their flight from Antigua to Miami let her heartbeat pick up its pace. It had for sure not been their best round of Scrabble, their most romantic and most intimate one due to the circumstances of having as less space that Jay almost couldn't stand upright. It had been hot, driven by pure passion and impatience. And fast, as fast as seldomly before, a few flaming kisses being shared before they'd shimmied down their leggins, panties, shorts and boxers and he'd pushed into her, pumping in and out fastly, his moans and her cries when their orgasms had rippled through them swallowed by kisses. But it had for sure been the most exciting one, being 10.000 feet above the ground, somewhere over the ocean, surrounded by other passengers and flight attendants who had no clue what was happening in this one square meter of space.

″It was exciting and all kinds of crazy,″ she grinned. ″But I'd still rather have sex with you here, under starry skies for example, doing it _our_ _way,_ than going for a second quickie on a plane.″

″Under starry skies, huh?″ he mimicked her words with a low growl. ″I think I can help you with that one.″

″Yeah, I think that, too,″ she chuckled raspily and lifted her head so their lips could meet in a firework of feelings and passion that was interrupted quickly when Emilia's crying resounded from the baby monitor they had with them.

″Didn't we say she's not allowed to do that?″ Jay sighed after he'd released her mouth reluctantly.

″Welcome to our honeymoon as parents,″ Erin laughed and got out of the hammock.

″She's usually never awake at that time,″ he called after her half-complaining when she walked inside.

″I don't think she cares about that,″ she called back laughingly before she disappeared.

A couple of minutes later she appeared in the garden again, Emmy pressed against her chest, still whimpering a bit so she whispered things against her head to soothe her, Crispin following on her heels. Jay went inside to grab the blanket from the backrest of the couch and a couple of pillows and placed them in the garden, signalising Erin to lie down. She settled on the ground, her head resting against those big fluffy pillows and Jay took the spot next to her. She handed him the baby and he placed her on his chest and stomach so they all faced the dark sky with all the stars, Crispin lying down next to Erin, his head resting on her stomach so she could scratch his favorite spot behind his ears.

″Can you see how different the sky's here compared to the city, Emmy?″ Jay asked, kissing the top of her head. ″There are so many stars here and you'll never see a sky like this in Chicago.″

″There's the Milky Way,″ Erin said and pointed up to the sky, turning her head to Jay. ″Right?″

″Right,″ Jay laughed, giving her a twinkle. ″You learned.″

″Uh-huh,″ she grinned. ″I once had that nerdy boyfriend that I now call husband and he tried to tell me everything about constellations and it seems like something's stuck with me.″

″I'm impressed. What else do you remember Mrs Halstead?″ he teased, flirt in his voice.

″Uhm...there's one called Orion. It's pretty easy to find because there are three stars next to each other building a belt or something,″ she said, searching the sky for these three stars. ″It's over there, isn't it?″ she asked excitedly once her eyes have found those famous stars.

″Look at that princess, mommy's turning all nerdy,″ Jay chuckled but he couldn't hide the pride in his voice. Before he'd first told her about constellations and the Universe in the early days of their relationship, stars had only been that for her: stars. The little bright spots that appeared on the firmament whenever it was dark. She had heard about the Milky Way before but her eyes could never find it and there'd never been someone who showed her the magic their universe was. ″Do you see it as well, Emmy? It's right there,″ he said, taking her little hand in his and guiding it into the direction of where Orion was located.

″And isn't that the Big Dipper?″ Erin asked, gazing somewhere else already. Who had ever thought that star gazing could fascinate her that much?

″Trying to impress me much tonight, huh?″ Jay asked somehow stunned. ″Mommy indeed found the Big Dipper,″ he told his daughter. ″And since we're here in Wisconsin, you can't only see the Big Dipper but also the Great Bear.″

″What, where?″ Erin asked, her eyes roaming the sky for anything that looked like this big animal.

″You see those other quite light stars around there?″ Jay asked back, pointing to the sky. ″That's supposed to be his body, over there is the head, and down there, those two stars close together on the left and those two on the right are supposed to be his legs,″ he explained, not being able to hold back a laughter when he saw Erin's frown. For him it was easy because he could see it but for anyone else it was quite hard to figure out what he was talking about.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded, looking at the stars that were supposed to be a bear. ″Astronomers have quite a different understanding of how a bear looks like than normal humans have, haven't they?″

″I guess so,″ he laughed.

″This could also be a cat. The Great Cat,″ she noticed. ″Or a racoon which would make it the Great Racoon. That one would be awesome,″ she laughed.

″Oh Emmy, mommy is creating new constellations,″ Jay chuckled and turned Emilia around so she was lying on her belly before he lifted her up over his head, her joyful giggles filling the air.

″You know the greatest constellation with the two brightest stars?″ Erin asked, her voice a bit melancholic and serious as she watched these two humans that were her whole world.

″Huh?″ he asked in confusion, his head trying to find a constellation she knew about and he didn't.

″It's the Jay-Emmy constellation,″ she smiled. ″Two of the brightest stars you would ever find. And I have the honor to call them mine.″

Jay placed Emilia back down on his chest by this sweetest love declaration, turned his head to her, his eyes slightly filled with tears. ″I love you.″ That was all he was able to say and to emphasize his statement he kissed her slowly, delicately. ″And you can bet you two are my brightest stars, the lights in my life, as well.″

″I know,″ she nodded, bringing her lips to his lips again. ″I love you more.″

They kept on lying there under starry skies, Emilia resting comfortably on Jay, Erin snuggled up to him as much as possible and Crispin snuggled up to Erin until first Emilia fell back asleep and somewhen also Erin's steady breathing signalised Jay that she was in dreamland. He told Crispin to change his position so he could let Emilia rest against him and bring Erin upstairs first as she would probably wake up as soon as his body wasn't close to her anymore. As she was only wearing a top and some soft shorts he could tuck her in just like this, covering her with a light sheet and pressing a kiss against her forehead before he went back downstairs to pick Emmy up and tuck her in as well, Crispin getting another pat for the night of course when he lay down in his bed next to Emmy's travel bed.

He turned all the lights in the cabin off, stripped his clothes until only his boxers were left and lay down next to Erin, who mumbled something that sounded like _come to bed_ , and he pulled her closer to his own body until she was all curled up to him. When he lay there in the darkness, inhaling the familar scent of Erin's shampoo mixed with the smell of Emmy's baby lotion that was also on her, he realized that he's never been happier and more satisfied and fullfilled being here than this time. Family vacations with his grandfather, his mother, Will and the Taylor family had been great and almost the only positive childhood memory. Being here with Erin the last three times had been even better, greater. But being here with her and Emilia now, with his _wife_ and his _daughter_ , was something so unreal, so great, that there weren't any words in his vocabulary to express his feelings, his happiness, his gratitude. This place was already full of great and happy memories and he knew they would make so so many more great and happy memories in the days and years to come...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) There's a little more Halstead-family-time coming up next before other things happen... ;)**


	68. There's No Joy Without Sorrow

**Thank you so much for your continued support and feedback on my last chapter! :)**

* * *

 **68\. There's No Joy Without Sorrow**

Deciding which was the better honeymoon, Antigua or Wisconsin, neither Jay nor Erin could give a clear answer as they both were so differently special in their own ways. Antigua had been great because they've never been there before, because they'd been able to enjoy an incredible amount of time as just the two of them, because they'd been able to really live those honeymoon-vibes. And Wisconsin was great because it was their first family vacation, because this cabin was home, because they could revel in rare and precious family time like never before, no interruptions by Jay being called to a crime scene during the night or over the weekend, no night shifts and overtime, no bullpen ruling their lives.

They enjoyed every single second of being at this charming place in the wilderness of Northern Wisconsin and while their nights were filled with naked midnight swims in the lake under the full moon while Emmy was sleeping peacefully in the cabin, their days were filled with hikes around the lake, Emmy resting in the baby carrier, Crispin exploring all these new places with pointed ears and alert eyes, with extensive morning cuddles in their bed in the mornings, Emmy being the center of attention, with cooking together, sitting around the campfire in the evening or relaxing in the garden throughout the day. Never has Erin thought that she needed to see Jay, shirtless Jay, pulling up weeds, but damn this was one for sore eyes with the muscles on his back and shoulders flexing with every move and she simply couldn't turn her eyes away and concentrate on the book she's been trying to read, simply giving up on it after reading the same paragraph for the tenth time without actually realizing the words that were written there. She placed the book aside and just watched him for a while, more like stared at him, licking her lips occasionally because holy hotness, this man in farmer-mode was sexier than she ever could've imagined.

″What is that?″ Erin asked Jay in the early afternoon of Friday, their third day, eyeing the item he was carrying in his hand as he approached her, Emmy and Crispin at the lake. He'd gone to the next bigger supermarket earlier so they had enough vegetables and fruits, food and beverages until they would leave on Tuesday, and had only returned recently.

″That's a swimming ring,″ he said proudly, sat down next to them and started to unwrap the foil, revealing a swimming ring for babies and toddlers. A swimming ring in form of a white unicorn with rainbow-colored mane and tail to be precise. Of course Jay Halstead would buy his daughter a unicorn swimming ring instead of simply going for a duck or the normal, not so fancy yellow baby float.

″Please tell me you didn't just jump on the unicorn-train and buy our daughter a unicorn swimming ring,″ she giggled and rolled her eyes dramatically.

″They were almost sold out. Got the last one literally a second before someone else could snatch it,″ he winked, starting to blow air into it.

″I'm pretty sure there were other ones,″ she teased him.

″There were,″ he confirmed, filling his lungs with air again. ″But the princess deserves a unicorn,″ he smiled before he concentrated on Emilia's newest toy again.

Once it was filled with air, he picked Emmy up from the spot where she's occupied herself with some wooden bricks for the last couple of minutes and padded towards the water with her and after she'd adapted to the water, he settled her in the swimming ring so she could float on the water.

″How's that, bug?″ he asked, her bright smile and baby babbling giving him the answer after she'd first eyed the thing skeptically. ″It's great, isn't it? I think mommy's jealous because she didn't get a unicorn from daddy,″ he chuckled and as if Emmy wanted to agree, she giggled as well.

″Guys, say cheese,″ Erin called and took a couple of photos of them before she threw her phone on the blankets, took Crispin's ball and joined them in the water, the dog jumping up as well and going for his seventh or so swim today.

″Look Emmy, mommy and Crisp are coming,″ Jay said and pressed a kiss against her head that was covered with a sunhat to protect her from the hot summer sun.

″Hey little lady,″ Erin said as soon as she reached them. ″How's that unicorn treating you, huh?″

″Say great, Emmy,″ Jay chuckled. ″Say it's so much greater than some duck.″

″You wish she'd say that,″ Erin laughed, raising her eyebrow at her most lovable dork. ″But I have to admit it seems like it's kind of a big hit,″ she grinned, watching her daughter completely enjoy this, her little hands trailing along the ring and the neck of the unicorn.

″Told you our princess needs a unicorn,″ Jay shrugged in response, a smug smile covering his face.

″Yeah, you're our hero,″ she laughed but her eyes and her voice signalised him that this wasn't just a tease, a joke, but that she really meant it with all her heart.

They stayed in the water for as long as they could, giving the unicorn soft pushes from time to time so it floated a bit more, Crispin swimming around them, always chasing after the ball they threw. Their four-legged kiddo got tired first and they soon joined him on the blankets as well, wrapping Emmy into her towel with the hood that made her look like the cutest dwarf.

The evening approached quickly and dark, dangerous clouds gathering out of nowhere were the signifier of a typical Wisconsin summer thunderstorm and the first raindrops started to wet the world around them while Jay was preparing pasta for dinner and Erin was upstairs to bathe Emmy and make her ready for the night.

The cabin provided them coziness while lightnings and thunder and pouring rain took over, Erin setting the table and Jay adding some last herbs to his fresh tomato sauce, when Erin's ecstatic voice suddenly drowned the rain that drummed on the roof and patio.

″Oh my God, Jay, she's crawling,″ she called, her voice a mixture of freaking out and being over the moon all at once and Jay turned the heat of the stove down instantly to not miss a second of this milestone. He joined Erin and his eyes fell on Emilia, who'd left her mat in front of the large windows and was on her hands and knees, still quite unsteady, following Crispin slowly, intently.

″She's crawling,″ Jay echoed stunned and pressed a kiss against Erin's temple before they both bent down on their knees to encourage Emmy to crawl to them.

″Come here Emmy, come to mommy and daddy,″ Jay said excitedly, his hands reaching out for her.

″Come on baby girl, you can do it,″ Erin encouraged her equally excited.

″You're the champ, princess, hands and then knees, keep it going,″ he cheered like he usually only did when the Cubs were in for a homerun.

″You're almost here, sweetie!″

″Here she comes, Emilia Camille Halstead, she's in front. Can she make it to the finish line?″ he asked, imitating a typical sports commentator in his own goofy Jay-style. ″ Yes she can, yes she can,″ he rejoiced and picked her up into his arms to swirl her through the air once she was close enough. ″Emmy's the champion!″ he laughed, bringing her down to kiss her cheek before lifting her up again.

″I guess we can already install those baby safety gates upstairs and downstairs before we move into the house so our little adventurer doesn't get herself into danger,″ Erin grinned, watching Jay and Emmy in awe. This was something she would never get enough of and she could watch these two and their special bond all day long.

″Now the fun really starts,″ Jay laughed heartily, knowing that their bubbly girl would now start to explore everything she could on her own.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Fortunately the rain only stayed overnight and they woke up to blue skies and sun again on Saturday. They went for their usual morning cuddles with Emmy, followed by eating blueberry pancakes on the patio. As most of the paths in the area were still slippery and muddy from the storm last night, they decided to stay at the cabin to spend another day by the lake and in the garden, playing with Emilia and Crispin and watching their little one crawl. Now that she had the hang of it there was no holding back.

Sunday followed quickly, their honeymoon and first family vacation nearing its end rapidly, and in the early afternoon Michael and Susan came over for a barbeque. Jay's aunt and uncle had told them at the wedding that they would directly travel up to the cabin and spend three weeks at their summer retreat. Needless to say that Michael and Susan had been ecstatic when Erin and Jay'd told them that they would spend one week of their honeymoon at the Halstead family cabin and Erin had immediately suggested that they should come over for a barbeque so they could finally share stories again and spend quality time with two people that really meant a lot to them.

″There they come,″ Erin said when she heard a car interrupting the peaceful silence and she turned her head around to the driveway where Michael in this moment parked their pick-up.

″Finally, I'm already hungry only thinking about all the things we'll eat tonight,″ Jay chuckled. ″So the sooner we start fishing the better.″

″Is there even anything else you think about other than constantly thinking about food?″ Erin laughed and got up from the sun bed where she'd relaxed for the last hour.

″Yeah, you,″ he winked, smiling fondly, getting up from his sun bed as well and pressing a kiss against her cheek.

″Erin, Jay,″ Susan waved from the car and as soon as they'd made their way through the frontyard and into the big garden, they were pulled into hugs.

″You look incredible, Erin,″ Susan smiled, stroking over her cheek shortly. In earlier days, Erin would've flinched by a gesture like this but these times were long over. Susan was family and Erin was beyond happy to have this amazing woman in her life. She was that kind of mama-bear and in some ways she reminded her of Camille. ″The married life really lets you glow.″

″Guess it does,″ Erin smiled back brightly.

″Ey, what about me?″ Jay asked in mock offence.

″Oh Jay, I can't even look at you because you glow as much that it hurts my eyes,″ Susan laughed and pulled her nephew into a hug, Michael hugging Erin meanwhile.

″That's what I wanted to hear,″ he smirked.

″That beard suits you,″ she said, eyeing the stubbles he hasn't shaved in more than two weeks now.

″Yeah, right?″ Erin grinned, stroking over his cheek lovingly. ″It makes me sad to think that he has to shave on Wednesday when he goes back to work.″

″Maybe I'll keep it,″ Jay shrugged but he also knew that he would most probably go back to his usual, shorter stubbles. ″But come on, the patio is waiting.″

″Where's Emmy?″ Susan asked when they made their way through the garden.

″Taking her nap upstairs. She crawled around a lot this morning and we went swimming in the lake, so she was out pretty early today, right after lunch, and will most likely sleep another hour,″ Erin told her, remembering how Emmy had struggled to keep her eyes open when Jay'd fed her the pulp around 12.30.

″She's crawling already?″ Susan asked excitedly and so Erin and Jay started to tell them about how Emilia had reached this milestone two days ago, showing them a couple of videos as well, proving the the typical pround-parents-cliche right.

They didn't stay on the patio altogether for too long since Jay and Michael wanted to go fishing so they could have grilled salmon for dinner, of course using the recipe of Jay's grandfather as this had been his famous dish. Erin and Susan stayed outside for a little longer before they went inside to start preparing the roast potatoes with rosemary, the dip with cucumber, garlic and chives, the green aspargus and the fruit salad with dark and white chocolate mousse for dessert.

″In case Michael and Jay don't fish anything today we'll at least not starve,″ Erin noticed laughingly when she eyed the mountains of vegetables and fruits that needed to be cut, peeled, washed and cooked.

″These two won't come back without anything, believe me,″ Susan laughed. ″Too ambitious and too stubborn to come back empty-handed.″

″So dinner at midnight is a possibility today?″ Erin joked.

″I would say so,″ Susan winked at her.

Erin was peeling the potatoes, Susan the aspargus, when Emilia's whining resounded from the baby monitor that was placed on the dining table.

″I guess someone just woke up,″ Erin grinned and went upstairs to pick her up. As soon as Emmy saw her mother, the crying relapsed and her usual smiley face took over.

″Did you have a good sleep?″ she soothed, stroking over her hair and pressing a light kiss on her forehead. ″You thristy, sleepyhead?″ she asked and reached for the bottle with cold fennel tea on the dresser.

″Here you go.″ She held the bottle for her, Emmy as always trying to hold it on her own and taking a few sips.

″All good?″ Erin asked, offering her the bottle again but as she didn't want it, they made their way back downstairs.

″Look who's here,″ she said as soon as she could see Susan in the kitchen and pointed to her.

″Hey Emmy, hey beautiful girl,″ Susan waved, drying her hands with a towel.

″You remember her?″ Erin asked, looking at her daughter. ″It's Susan, you sat in her lap during mommy's and daddy's wedding. She's your grandmother,″ she smiled at Emmy and when she lifted her gaze and looked at the older woman with a sheepish smile, she saw that tears were looming in her brown eyes.

″Erin...,″ she managed to say hoarsely and Erin could tell from the emotions reflecting from her face that she was deeply touched.

″Jay is like a son for you, like a brother for Izzy and Nick. And Myles. You being Emmy's grandmother is the only thing that makes sense here,″ Erin smiled brightly.

″You have no idea how much this means to me,″ Susan smiled just as bright, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall with her hands.

″No, you have no idea how much it means to us that Emmy has a grandmother in her life,″ Erin said. Emilia would grow up knowing that she had two grandmothers in heaven. She would grow up with Hank and Robert being her grandfathers. But she would also grow up with calling these two special people her grandparents as well, because why the hell not?

″You have a golden heart,″ Susan answered and pulled her into a short embrace. ″Right, Emmy?″ she asked afterwards and took the baby from Erin.

″You should go outside with her and play with her,″ Erin suggested, motioning her head to Emilia's little playing area, that was protected by a sunshade, all her toys spread across the blanket and the grass.

″What about dinner?″ she asked.

″I'll get it handled. My skills in the kitchen have improved quite a bit since last year,″ Erin chuckled, remembering how nervous she'd been when Susan asked to help her in the kitchen back in June 2016 when she'd met Michael and her for the first time. Back then she almost hadn't been able to boil eggs. Or make popcorn in the microwave. ″You should spend some quality time with her,″ she added with a little wink.

″Alright Miss Emilia, then let's go outside,″ she told the baby, giving Erin a thankful smile back before she walked outside with her new granddaughter proudly.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Even after more than an hour of fishing, the bucket where Michael and Jay wanted to put in the salmon was still all empty.

″Maybe we should try someplace else?″ Michael asked.

″Naaah,″ Jay answered and shook his head. ″That's the place where grandpa _always_ caught something. He never came back without anything when he went to that spot and when I was with him we also waited for two hours sometimes. But in the end our patience got rewarded with the best salmon.″

″Alright, then we'll stay,″ Michael laughed.

″How great would it be if he was still with us though?″ Jay smiled, looking up to the sky for a minute. ″He would be around 90 now and even if he sat in a wheelchair or needed a rollator, he would be right here with us, holding his fishing rod and probably catching the first salmon.″

″Yeah, that would be dad,″ Michael agreed. ″He would be so happy to see you like this, Jay. Grandparents are not allowed to have a favorite grandchild but we both know you were his favorite. You and Izzy.″

″Being the nice kid and not the wild one had its benefits I guess,″ Jay smirked.

″Uh-huh,″ Michael nodded. ″You know, when you and Erin walked into our garden over a year ago I wasn't sure whether I've ever seen you happier than back then. When we celebrated your birthday last September, Erin growing your baby under her heart, I was sure I see the happiest man on this planet right in front of my eyes. But then came the wedding and I see you right now and have to admit I didn't know that one person can glow with so much happiness, especially after what you went through in the past,″ he said, his blue eyes, that were so much like Jay's, never leaving him.

″It's all Erin,″ Jay said quietly. ″And Emmy. They've changed my life. They _are_ my life.″

″I know,″ Michael smiled faintly. ″If your mother could see you like this she would cry the happiest tears someone can cry and maybe good old Jonathan would, too.″

Jay swallowed hard by his uncle's words and took a deep breath before he spoke. ″She would. They both would,″ he agreed.

″And they would be proud of you,″ he smiled. ″Fighting for what you want, not giving up no matter how bumpy the road was,″ he said, referring to all the little stories he'd heard for the first time on the evening before the wedding when Erin and Jay had given away private details, like dating secretly behind Hank's back, during those games. ″That's how you do it, son,″ he added appreciatively, giving him a fatherly pat on the back.

″It was all worth it,″ Jay smiled back at his uncle. ″She can make me happy without doing anything.″ Before meeting Erin, he hadn't known what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason. But now he was this kind of happy that he was smiling for no reason literally all the time and it was the best goddam feeling in the world, one he never wanted to be without again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The salmons couldn't withstand the baits for too much longer and after around two hours of absolute patience, their bucket finally wasn't empty again. The second and the third one followed quickly after the first and Jay and Michael made their way back to the cabin with quite some pride. They prepared the fish and put it on the grill and together with all the sides and the desserts that followed, they later had the most delicious dinner, all of them eating too much until nothing was left anymore.

After taking a postprandial walk they made a bonfire and settled around the fireplace with a bottle of wine. Since they haven't seen each other in so long, they all had quite a lot of stories to tell and it was long after midnight when Michael and Susan left, declining the offer that they could easily stay in the guest room. In favor to avoid not seeing each other in person again for almost a year they invited them to visit them in Chicago as soon as they would live in the new house, the guest room they now had providing them a place to sleep whenever they wanted to come and Michael and Susan excitedly agreed on making the trip from New York somewhen in the fall or winter.

″I really love these two,″ Erin said as they watched the tail lights of the pick-up disappear between the woods in the distance.

″I'm so glad that they are a part of my life again,″ Jay said, smiling at her. ″Our life.″

″I wish we could meet them more often. Those family vibes...I really enjoy them.″ Standing on her tiptoes, she placed a light kiss on his lips.

″Have I told you that I love you today already?″ Jay asked quite off-topic, cupping her cheek with his hand and brushing over the soft skin with the pad of his thumb.

″Since it's after midnight, no,″ Erin chuckled, looking into her man's eyes that were as blue as the sea, that were sparkling with endless love. Every single day this man was looking at her like he's won the lottery and had the whole world in front of him. And she would never get enough of this as it was the very best feeling, as it sent the butterflies in her stomach flying every time, making her wonder whether she would ever stop feeling like a lovestruck teenager. Not that she wanted those butterflies to stop anyway. Jay's been the first and only man to bring those butterflies to life, to make them fly around in her stomach like a crazy and she wanted to feel them for the rest of her life.

″I love you,″ he whispered, pressing his lips against hers. There it was again, this feeling of a hundred butterflies taking off.

″Show me,″ she whispered back huskily and she didn't need to beg him twice. He picked her up by her thighs and carried her inside the cabin and up to the bedroom where he would worship her body, where he would show her how much he loved her, where they would make love until they both felt dizzy.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

As Tuesday would be used to pack and clean the cabin and could therefore not be considered a vacation day, Monday was their last vacation day for quite a while as they didn't know when they would get a week off again. Probably not before Christmas which was way too far away for both of their likings.

They used the morning for a little hiking through the woods, Jay showing Erin more places from his childhood and telling her little stories about things he, Will and their cousins had done here.

″Look, it's still there,″ he exclaimed excitedly when they approached a small creek.

″What?″ Erin frowned.

″My treehouse, over there,″ he said and pointed to the _thing_ in a tree that didn't have much resemblance with a treehouse anymore.

″The one Will, Nick and Myles stole the ladder while you and Izzy were inside?″ she smirked.

″Who told you about that?″ he asked. He'd talked about it with Nick and Will at his birthday party last year but he couldn't remember that he'd also told Erin about it.

″Izzy,″ Erin winked. ″She told me all about how you were always the calm kid, protecting her and spending time with her while the other three were the wild kids.″

″They were insane, seriously,″ he joked, his trademark smile spreading over his face.

″You know, I think I would've been one of the wild kids as well,″ she grinned innocently.

″Doesn't surprise me a bit,″ Jay laughed, kissing the tip of her nose shortly. ″Emmy, do you want to see daddy's treehouse?″ he asked his daughter, who was in resting in the baby carrier attached around him. ″Yes you do, right?″

Erin helped him to undo the baby carrier so he could show her his old treehouse properly. She and Crispin stayed back when Jay walked around the wooden ruin up in the tree, always pointing up to something and whispering things into Emilia's ear she couldn't understand. She was curious what he told her but this was a daddy-daughter moment only between the two of them and soon enough those moments would become rare again which kind of broke her heart. This was how Jay wanted to be as a dad, having time for his daughter, being there for the milestones, showing her the world. But reality was that he had a job that reduced such moments to weekends and vacations, that only mostly allowed him to spend a couple of minutes with his daughter in the mornings and maybe two hours in the evenings, if at all. Returning home would be especially hard this time and she somehow wished that they could simply stay here and continue to live this kind of easy and perfect life until retirement.

″Oh Crisp, you'd like to stay here as well, right?″ she asked the dog and bent down on her knees to stroke him. ″We could go for swims and long walks all day and in winter you'd have the most fun in the snow, wouldn't that be awesome?″ she sighed. ″But you'll have a big garden soon, so that's also something I guess,″ she smiled because no matter how much she wanted to stay here, she couldn't wait to move into their new home either.

″Emmy told me she wants to have a treehouse,″ Jay smirked when he approached Erin and Crispin a couple minutes later.

″Did you?″ Erin baby-talked and reached for Emmy to take her from Jay's arms. ″Does daddy have to build a treehouse for you, bug?″

″Yes,″ Jay nodded. ″As soon as we're back here next spring or summer it will be my main project to build the best treehouse ever.″ Next spring or summer. It sounded like a lifetime away. Emilia would be almost one-and-a-half then.

″Won't we come back during the winter this year?″ she asked and Jay could hear the sad undertone in her voice.

″Er, we can always come back, whenever we want to put ourselves through a 6-hour car ride with that munchkin,″ he smiled reassuringly, tickling Emmy's belly with his fingers. ″But I can't build that treehouse in winter, that's why we definitely have to come back next spring or summer,″ he winked.

″To enjoy a couple of days of undisturbed family time I'd put myself through the worst car ride,″ she smiled. ″So I really like the thought of the three of us having red noses and cheeks and warming ourselves up in front of the fireplace inside the cabin after building a dozen snowmen outside.″

Those vivid pictures of the three of them enjoying perfect winter days up here let his smile grow bright. ″Me too,″ he said and wrapped his arm around her shoulder so he could pull her closer and kiss her temple.

Their hiking adventure through the woods continued until the early afternoon and they returned to the cabin just in time to tuck Emmy in for her nap and while their little one dreamed the sweetest dreams, they used the time to relax by the lake and catch up on the sleep they'd lost due to their late night acitivities last night. Once Emmy was up again they went for more swims, including Crispin and the unicorn, played with her on the blankets in the shade of a big tree, especially Jay making nonsense with her as always, and later first bathed Emmy and then Crispin, who was anything but excited about this, before they had one last dinner on the patio for this summer. This summer that was their first as a family of three. Or four, considering that Crispin was a part of their family as well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It started as a dull pain in her stomach somewhen after dinner and before they went to bed but she didn't give it much thought in the beginning. She'd once again eaten way too much during dinner and maybe her stomach wanted to tell her that it was about time to eat normal again and stop overfilling it with all the delicious food. Unfortunately the pain didn't go away until they went to bed and instead even increased in its intensity, especially around her navel.

Hitting the cushions, she fell asleep rather quickly anyway, lying down helping her to feel a tad bit better, but she woke up again only three hours later due to the pain having reached a higher level and a wave of nausea overcame her that caused her to jump out of the bed and making her way to the bathroom as fast as she could in her current condition.

″Erin?″ Jay mumbled subsconciously by the sounds he heard from the bathroom and no later than when his ears figured out that someone was throwing up, he was broad awake.

He untangled himself from the sheets quickly and walked to the bathroom, the door wide open, his heart picking up its pace when he found his wife literally embracing the toilet bowl and emptying the contents of her stomach into it.

″Babe, hey,″ he said and rushed to her side, holding her hair back and handing her some toilet paper when she was done.

″Thanks,″ she managed to say weakly.

″What happened?″ he asked, massaging her neck softly. She was as white as a ghost, maybe even green-ish – he couldn't tell in the light of the bathroom – and cold sweat covered her forehead, her eyes fever-bright. Her whole appearance worried him deeply in fact.

″I guess I caught a stomach bug,″ she shrugged, adding sadly: ″Nice way to end our honeymoon.″

″Hey, that doesn't matter right now,″ he said, kissing the top of her head. ″Let's get you back to bed and I'll make you a camomile tea.″

″Okay,″ she nodded. Jay helped her to get up and once she stood upright, she immediately almost doubled over, holding her stomach, and winced quietly.

″Erin,″ Jay exclaimed, his voice filled with pure concern. ″What's going on?″

″There's this pain in my stomach, I don't know. It's quite bad right now,″ she breathed out and it was not only her face that told him enough but also her admitting that she was in pain and that it was bad.

″I'll look for some Tylenol as well,″ he said, his eyes never leaving her face as he spoke. ″Come on, it'll maybe get better when you lie down.″ He guided her back to the bed slowly but by the way her body instantly hunched into fetal position he could tell that lying down wasn't better at all and that she was still very much in pain.

″On a scale from one to ten, how bad is the pain?″ he asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his thumb stroking over her face.

″A six or seven maybe,″ she answered and closed her eyes. She'd thought after throwing up the pain would decrease as some of the pressure was gone but instead she felt even worse now, the pain being more uncomfortable.

″Maybe it's better I take you to the next doctor,″ Jay said meaningfully.

″In the middle of the night?″ she asked and opened her eyes to look at him. ″It's just a stomach bug, babe. It'll probably get worse before it gets better.″

″Okay,″ he sighed and got up. ″I'll be back in a minute.″

He went downstairs to heat up water and make her a camomile tea that should help her stomach to settle and coming back to the bedroom, he found it all empty, a familiar noise coming from the bathroom across the hall. He put the mug down on the bedside table and rushed back to the bathroom to be by her side and she looked even worse this time, hunched with pain while crouching over the bowl.

Once again he bent down next to her to tie her hair into some kind of ponytail and stroke over her back soothingly. She continued to throw up until she was only dry-heaving and signalised him that she wanted to get up. He helped her to clear her mouth at the vanity, took some Tylenol from the cabinet and made sure she got back to bed safely. For a moment he had the feeling she would faint any second due to the pain she was obviously in combined with the exhaustion and he was more than glad when he tucked her in.

″Here,″ he said and handed her some of the Tylenol and the mug with tea. She swallowed it down and took a couple of sips and for a second it looked like it would all come right back up again but for now she managed to keep it down.

″Try to rest, okay?″ he said softly and leaned down to kiss her forehead. ″Maybe you can catch some sleep and everything will get better.″

It was an optimistic statement and the night turned out to be a sleepless one for both of them. Erin threw up multiple more times, mostly only dry-heaving by now as there was nothing left in her stomach, and he could tell by the way she grimaced that the pain didn't get any better, that the Tylenol didn't help in the way it should. He was already contemplating to take her to the doctor first thing in the morning when she finally fell asleep just around the time the sun started to rise. He went to the bathroom to take a cold shower and then went to the nursery to turn the baby monitor off so Erin wouldn't wake up as soon as Emmy's night was over. Settling in the armchair, his eyes fell shut within seconds. However, his slumber didn't last long as unsatisfied baby whimper interrupted it rather quick.

″Sssshh, Emmy,″ he soothed when he scooped her up into his arms. ″Mommy is sick and we don't want her to wake up, okay?″

As always, her mood turned into happy as soon as her father was giving her all the attention and he changed her diaper, put her a new onesie on as well as a pair of light leggins so she wouldn't hurt her knees now that she was crawling and then went downstairs to prepare the bottle with formula and let the dog outside.

″Satisfied now?″ he grinned at her once the bottle was empty.

″Alright bug, I'll leave you and Crispin here for a minute and check on mommy,″ he said and settled her on her playmat in front of the windows inside the cabin. ″Don't get up to nonsense you two, okay?″ he smiled, kissed Emilia's head and gave Crispin a pat.

Erin was smiling faintly at him when he stepped into the bedroom and maybe it was the light but he thought she was looking a little better than last night. Still way too pale and weak but not as much in pain anymore.

″Hey,″ she said, her voice raspier than usual from all the throwing up.

″Hey,″ he smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed. ″How are you feeling?″

″Not too bad.″

″What about the pain?″

″It's dull now. Maybe a two or three. It's getting better, so that's something,″ she said, trying to give him an assuring smile but it never reached her eyes.

″Yeah,″ he sighed. He still didn't know whether he should simply drag her to the doctor so they were sure it wasn't anything else than a stomach bug, the fact that she was still in pain making him uneasy.

″Is Emmy alright?″ she asked and now her face was worried.

″She's fine. She's downstairs with Crisp.″

″Keep her out of my way today. I don't want to contaminate her with that virus.″

″Sure,″ Jay answered, stroking over her cheek that was still too warm for his liking. ″I'll bring you another tea. You want some saltines to eat?″

″No, I'm absolutely not hungry and I'll be happy when I'm able to keep the tea down,″ she grimaced, before adding quietly, almost teary: ″I'm sorry.″

″What for?″ he frowned.

″That our last vacation day is like this and you have to pack and clean all alone now and take care of me and Emmy. That's not how it was supposed to be,″ she explained, tears looming in her eyes.

He leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek, whispering into her ear: ″Babe you're sick. There's nothing to be sorry for.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The pain came back to full force in the afternoon, just not around her navel this time but in her lower right abdomen and all the tea she's drunken over the last couple of hours found its way into the toilet bowl through her mouth. Jay heard the sounds from downstairs where he was cleaning the kitchen and sprinted up to the bathroom instantly, the picture his eyes found scarily reminding him of last night when she'd felt worst. He didn't even have to ask her whether she was in pain, her face told him that she was anything but alright and painfree.

″How bad?″ he asked when he helped her up.

″Like last night probably,″ she answered through gritted teeth, not being able to stand upright.

″I finish packing our bags right now and then we'll leave for the doctor. And maybe he clears you and we can drive home or he admits you to the next hospital.″

″Hospital?″ Erin echoed, making clear that she thought he was completely overreacting. ″It's just a damn virus and the pain and throwing up was for sure caused by the tea because my stomach is super sensitive right now.″

″Er, you can't keep simple tea down,″ Jay noticed, his voice rising a bit. ″That's definitely not how it should be and can cause dehydration.″

″You usually can't keep anything down when you have a fucking stomach bug,″ she snapped, squeezing her eyes shut when the pain obviously increased again.

Jay tried not to roll her eyes at her and snap back at his wife who was once again too stubborn for her own good. As a fight was the last thing they needed and he wanted and in favor to restore the peace, he gave in. For now. ″Er, I'm just worried about you, okay?″ he asked softly.

″I know,″ she nodded conciliatory.

″Promise me you'll tell when it gets worse?″

″I promise,″ she said without hesitation.

″Okay, then let's get you back to bed.″ He wrapped his arm protectively around her and guided her back to the bed, giving her a little more Tylenol that would hopefully help like it had last night when she'd somewhen been able to sleep.

Over the next hours, he kept on preparing their departure, packing all their bags and loading everything into the car and taking care of Emmy at the same time. Erin threw up once more and asking her about the pain she said that it was still the same, the Tylenol not doing the greatest of jobs. She mentioned that it was a good sign that it didn't get worse but he couldn't really agree on that because for him it was a bad sign that it still didn't get better.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

By the time they left the cabin in the early evening, just after Jay'd given Emmy her bottle for the night so she would hopefully fall asleep within the first hour of their drive, Erin's pain was back down to a four or five which relaxed Jay at least a bit.

″You comfortable like this?″ he asked after arranging a small pillow behind her head and giving her another one she could place wherever she needed it.

″Yeah,″ she thankfully smiled at him. ″You're the best.″

″Trying,″ he winked and leaned down to kiss her forehead. He handed her a blanket as she was slightly feeling cold, regardless the heat outside and although her eyes were still fever-bright – just another sign that she was super sick – and gave her a plastic bag in case her stomach turned once more and he couldn't stop on the breakdown lane fast enough.

″I'll miss this place,″ she sighed when Jay put the car into drive.

″We'll be back in winter, I promise,″ he said, squeezing her thigh gently and pulled out from the driveway.

″I can't wait,″ she smiled at him but it was far from her famous dimpled smile that could cure the world from all the bad things.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After two hours of driving and still four ahead, the pain in her abdomen started to increase again, reaching the level from earlier that day, and one hour later sitting more or less upright's become a torture. She tried to change her position as often as she could but none could bring any form of pain relief and she wished nothing more than to lie down but unfortunately her bed was still three hours away, maybe less as Jay was driving faster than he was allowed to. All she could do was clenching her teeth and concentrating on her breathing, that should also help to keep the feeling of nausea far away, and she tried her best not to think about the amount of pain that she was in. Somewhen it had to get better and she's been fighting this virus for almost 24 hours now, so chances were good that it would simply stop at some point.

Jay constantly asked her how she was doing and as she'd promised to tell him when the pain got worse, she told him that it was back to a 7 but that he shouldn't worry because she could handle it and she was fine. There it was again, his favorite word: fine. He'd really thought they were past this point where she told him she was fine even though she wasn't. Not at all in this case, hunching with pain in her seat from time to time, breathing heavier than usual, her face still absolutely pale.

″Erin, you're not fine,″ Jay argued when she was more or less doubling over once more.

″It's not that bad, seriously,″ she breathed out. ″I just wish I could lie down. This whole sitting all the time isn't the most convenient thing.″

″How bad is it, Er?″ he asked, his voice seldomly strict, signalising her that he wanted to hear nothing but the truth.

″Probably up to an 8,″ she admitted quietly.

″So it's getting worse?″

″Uh...yeah...,″ she confirmed. ″I promise I'll go to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning in case it doesn't get better.″

Jay's eyes fell to the screen with the GPS. They were still one-and-a-half hours away from Chicago. Given the fact that the streets were empty and he was speeding quite a bit, he could make it there in an hour and fifteen minutes, maybe even less.

″Okay,″ he nodded absently and his destination wasn't their apartment anymore but rather Chicago Med. There was no way he would witness her being in pain until tomorrow morning and no matter what it was that caused Erin to look like a picture of a misery, he was almost sure it had nothing to do with a simple stomach bug and this feeling almost made _his_ stomach turn.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The shoulder of the highway substituted the toilet bowl two times in the next hour, though Erin was again only throwing up the tea and dry-heaving, before the Chicago skyline finally came into sight, the clock nearing mignight and Erin obviously doing worse by the minute. She was even slightly groaning with pain, her forehead covered in cold sweat and he wasn't sure how much of the things happening around her she still realized. That was the point when he told the hands-free device of their car to call Will as he was the only person who could help him right now because he was about to freak out over her steadily worsening condition, his mind going to places it shouldn't go while he was speeding over the highway with his whole family in the car.

″Will?″ he asked as soon as he heard that his brother picked up.

″Jay?″ the older asked back, confusion in his voice. ″What's up?″

″Are you working tonight?″

″Yeah, having the graveyard shift,″ he sighed. ″You already back home? Or still on the way and bored because your wife doesn't let you drive?″ he laughed.

″Will, Erin's sick. Really sick. And I'm bringing her in. We're 15 minutes out,″ Jay said breathlessly and without beating around the bush.

″What?″ he uttered, the tease in his voice gone. ″What's wrong with her?″

″I don't know. She's been throwing up and having this pain in her stomach since last night and it got worse during the drive.″

″Alright, we'll wait for you at the ambulance bay,″ Will assured him instantly and Jay knew his brother's brain was already occupied with possible diagnoses. ″She'll be fine, Jay.″

″I hope so,″ Jay answered quietly, still not allowing his mind to further create those worst-case scenarios that were already flying around in his head.

″She will, no worries,″ Will said emphatically before he ended the call.

″Oh God,″ Erin winced, doubling over and holding her stomach and Jay's heart skipped a beat by the sound of her voice.

″We'll be at Med in less than fifteen minutes. They'll help you, babe,″ he said, his voice cracked and ever so worried.

″It hurts so much,″ she whimpered through gritted teeth.

″You just need to hold on for a couple more minutes. Please, Erin,″ he beseeched, his hand reaching for her cold one and squeezing it tightly. He knew he should've followed his intention. He knew he should've brought her to the doctor in the morning. He knew he should've left the highway to drive to the next hospital no later than when her pain had risen from 7 to 8. He knew she could be painfree now if he'd handled it all differently. He knew he could lose her because he's waited for too long. He knew he could never forgive himself then...

* * *

 **Sorry for ending it here but I promise I won't let you wait too long until I update again. Please leave a review and let me know what you think, your feedback really make my day better! :)**


	69. Three Thousand Six Hundred Seconds

**Once again, thank you for all your feedback, it means the world to me that you guys stay with me and this story! :)**

* * *

 **69\. Three Thousand Six Hundred Seconds**

Jay almost slammed on the breaks when he finally arrived at the ambulance bay of Chicago Med, the way Erin groaned with pain having been increased in the last couple of minutes and he could only imagine how bad it actually was, the thought making his stomach turn, and he was sure whatever it was, it was something very serious, something very far from a simple stomach bug. The door on her side was opened before he was even out of the car and by the time he was at the other side of the car to be with her, they already had her on a gurney and were about to bring her inside the Emergency Department where someone could hopefully finally help her and figure out what was going on.

″Jay, Jay, Jay,″ Will said hurriedly, holding his brother back from following them.

″I need to be with her,″ Jay answered, his eyes wide and he was ready to throw a punch in case his brother didn't let him go otherwise.

″I know,″ Will nodded understandingly. ″But you can't be with her and there's nothing you can do for her right now. Take a deep breath and let them do their jobs, okay?″

″Nothing is okay!″ Jay snapped furiously. ″I...I...I can't...″ he stammered and swallowed hard, the words _lose her_ getting stuck somewhere in his throat.

″Jay,″ Will said, placing his hand on his brother's shoulder in an attempt to calm him down, and for a second the older Halstead already prepared himself for a directed punch in his face. ″She'll be fine. Let's park that car somewhere else and bring Emmy to the doctor's lounge. I think we can make an exception for Crispin as well tonight,″ he told him, squeezing his shoulder. Of course his brother was about to lose it, not knowing what was going on with the woman that was his whole life, the reason he lived for, driving him insane. ″Once we're back they maybe already know more.″

″Okay,″ Jay nodded mechanically, tired of arguing and tired of the drama that constantly seemed to find them again when their happiness was at its peak. Because who needed perfection for more than a second anyway?

Will took the spot behind the steering wheel, Jay riding shotgun, and parked the car at the doctor's parking lot, as close to the hospital entrance as possible. Jay took the car seat with the sleeping baby, a lump building in his throat when he looked at his daughter, Erin's mini-me, who was so blissfully oblivious to her mother's condition and all the drama that once again surrounded her. What if she would never see her again?

″Yo, Jay, where's the leash for Crisp?″ Will interrupted these dark thoughts of Emilia growing up without her mother.

″Uhm, backseat, wait,″ Jay stumbled, looked for it and then handed it to his brother so he could take Crispin on the leash.

They brought the both of them to the doctor's lounge, Will justifying his decision of letting the dog inside the hospital in front of another doctor with the explanation that this was a family emergency. Going against rules was the easiest thing for Will Halstead but especially in situations like this he couldn't care less about hospital policies or any possible consequences his decision may had.

″Any news on Erin?″ the ginger asked Maggie, who was working the graveyard shift as well tonight, as soon as the dog and the baby were settled, Emilia thankfully still sleeping and dreaming the sweetest dreams, probably about unicorns and lakes and woods and dogs and the perfect life they'd lived in Northern Wisconsin until a couple hours ago and now seemed to be so damn far away.

″Not yet but I can check on her,″ she suggested, looking from one Halstead to the other.

″Please,″ Will answered.

″Okay,″ she nodded, gave them that everything-is-going-to-be-fine glance and left the two men alone.

″What could it be?″ Jay asked his brother the one question that's been on his mind ever since they'd arrived, pacing up and down in front of him anxiously.

″I don't know, Jay,″ Will shrugged, gnawing on his lower lip.

″You're a doctor, Will. I'm sure your head's providing plenty of possibilities,″ he noticed, knowing very well that there were a couple of things on Will's mind he denied him and he wondered whether those possibilities were as bad that his brother thought it was better to hold them back instead of being straight with him. "Just tell me."

″Jay, I can't make a diagnosis without knowing the details and seeing the patient because abdominal pain? Could be anything, honestly,″ he sighed. His eyes never left his brother, who was still pacing up and down in front of him, and he then, against better judgement, he decided to provide his desperate brother some answers that were likely to explain Erin's condition and it was one big mistake that followed. ″Appendicitis, a gastric ulcer, an ectopic pregnancy...″ He realized instantly that he'd just made everything a thousand times worse as his younger brother froze in his movements.

″Uhm _what_?!″ Jay exclaimed and spun around to face him, his eyes wide in shock at his brother's last words. There was no way that Erin was pregnant. They were not losing a child right now. ″Erin's not pregnant, Will.″

″It _could_ be an ectopic pregnancy,″ Will explained meekly and only in this second he remembered how Jay'd told him an hour ago on the phone that Erin has thrown up for the last 24 hours, an important detail he's forgotten about in the heat of the moment as Jay was desperately looking for answers that explained Erin's condition, as he'd made the mistake to come up with possibilities when he actually had no clue, speaking them out loud being the biggest mistake of them all. Now he had a pretty good idea though. ″It's unlikely...my guess would be appen-″

″No it couldn't because she's not pregnant!″ Jay called furiously, completely ignoring the other things his brother had to say.

″Yeah, I get it,″ Will answered, holding his hands up in defence.

″We don't even know whether we want a second child and we've taken the precautions very seriously,″ he said but Will wasn't sure whether he was talking to him or rather to himself in an attempt to convince himself that a pregnancy wasn't a possibility.

″Look Jay, sometimes it happens anyway, right? It happened before. And given the timeframe that she was on meds a couple of weeks back due to her concussion I just thought...″ he said calmly, still holding his hands up. This was not what he wanted to say at all but instead of telling his brother what suddenly he was sure it really was, he tried justify why he'd come up with this at all. Not with the best success, or rather, with no success at all.

″You conclude that history repeated itself?″ Jay finished his brother's sentence, his voice angry and incredulous. Of course Emilia had been anything but planned. Of course he'd knocked Erin up while she'd been on antibiotics. Of course she'd been on the pill back then as well but mixed with the antibiotics only one of them had worked and that was the reason why there was now their little daughter lighting up their lives. But only because it's happened once didn't mean they would let it happen a second time.

″Would it be _that_ out of the world?″ he asked back, not because he still thought that Erin could be pregnant but because his brother was driving him crazy right now and they were just about to clash like in the old days. ″Listen Jay, I think she has an appendi-″ he started again but once again Jay wouldn't even listen.

″Given our _history_ , maybe not,″ Jay snapped furiously. ″But I can tell you for 100% sure that Erin's not pregnant!″ His voice was rising with every word that left his mouth.

″Jay, I'm just trying to help...-″ he said, his voice just as loud and now he was the one who wanted to throw a punch to make his stubborn brother listen to him.

″Do you? Where?! Because other than-″ Jay almost yelled, the fire in his eyes threatening to burn down the entire ED.

″Hey! Guys!″ Maggie called, keeping the two brothers from starting a serious argument. ″What's going on? You're in a hospital, keep those voices down.″

″I'm sorry,″ Jay apologized instantly, this behavior so uncalled for him. ″It's just...too much,″ he said, his voice defeated and he rubbed his tired eyes. He's barely slept in more than 36 hours, he's been worried about Erin for more than 24 hours and he was walking on the edge, close to tumbling down any second if someone didn't already tell him that Erin's condition was nothing serious.

″She's going to be fine,″ Maggie smiled faintly, touching his upper arm supportingly.

″Do they have a diagnosis?″ Will asked instantly.

″Severe appendicitis,″ Maggie said, confirming Will's suspicion. ″They will bring her up to surgery now and it should be all done in an hour or two.″

″Cecal perforation?″ Will asked, Jay still trying to process everything and only listening to the conversation with one ear. Appendicitis. This was for sure one of the more harmless diagnoses out of all the things it could've been, of all the things his mind had already created. No gastric ulcer, no tumor, no ectopic pregnancy.

″No. But another hour...″ Maggie said, not finishing the sentence. Will knew what she meant anyway. ″They _think_ they can do it laparoscopical.″

″That's good. Thanks Maggie,″ Will smiled at the woman who was the heart and soul of the ED.

″Sure,″ she smiled back. ″Whenever you guys need anything, just let me know.″

″Can I see her?″ Jay asked, his mouth finally doing the job again.

″They'll bring her up to surgery in a minute or two. You can attend them bringing her upstairs.″

″Okay, thank you,″ he said and tried to give her a forced smile. It stayed with a try.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay had the feeling minutes were turning into hours, the hands of the clock on the wall turning agonizingly slow as he was waiting in front of the OR in the middle of this night, waiting for someone to step out of these huge double doors, where Erin lay behind on the operating table, to tell him that she was okay, that everything went well and that she was out of the woods and in recovery.

He'd kissed her forehead and squeezed her hand in the elevator earlier but she'd already been on a sedative that let her sleep. He'd whispered into her ear that he loved her and that she wasn't allowed to do anything stupid inside that operating room. Anything stupid like falling into cardiac arrest due to sudden complications or whatever other reasons. He'd told her that he needed her, that Emmy needed her. And that they both needed her to be fine, this whole situation turning out to be nothing but a scare so they could prove the for better or worse part of their vows quite early into their marriage.

He'd informed Hank afterwards, surely bringing him close to having a heart attack as a phone call from his son-in-law at 1am was certainly one of the least things he'd expected. Such calls usually only delivered bad news, this one proving no excepting. Hank had come running into the ED merely twenty minutes later, had then exchanged a couple of words with him and Will and had taken Emilia and Crispin home with him so Jay could stay with Erin because he knew very well that there was no other place the young detective wanted and needed to be tonight.

 _One more hour._ That's what Will had told him when he'd waited with him outside the OR until a couple of minutes ago. Until Jay had asked whether he could go inside and observe the surgery, so he could tell them to not stop fighting for her in case complications occured. Because no matter that it was a fairly easy procedure, something could happen anytime while being put under. And who knew whether it wasn't worse than they thought and they had to perform a laparatomy anway because they'd assessed the situation wrong. Of course Will had agreed instantly, changing into scrubs so he could keep an eye on his sister-in-law, doing whatever would make his brother feel easier about this situation.

 _One hour. Sixty minutes_. _Three thousand six hundred seconds._ This was all Jay could think about, those numbers swirling through his mind in one never-ending circle. One more hour and Erin's appendicitis would've turned into a cecal perforation that _could've_ ended fatal rather quick. Sixty more minutes and Erin's life would probably hang by a thread now instead of her most probably turning out just fine. Three thousand six hundred seconds between life and death. Between a life with her and without her. Between continuing to walk their path together and him being left behind, their future shattered into a million pieces that could never be glued together again. Three thousand six hundred seconds were everything it took to make the difference.

If that timeframe was different she could be dead by now or they would at least have to perform the big surgery with more possible complications. If this timeframe was three thousand six hundred seconds different, they probably wouldn't have made it to Chicago Med in time and Erin would've died right next to him. In the car. On their way home from their honeymoon. And it would've been his fault because instead of following his gut feeling and simply bringing her to the next hospital, he'd agreed on driving home. Instead of leaving the highway and approaching the next hospital close by, he'd decided to drive the rest of the distance so he could bring her to Chicago Med. Two decisions that could've changed his life forever if the timeframe of these three thousand six hundred seconds had been different.

Those thoughts made his stomach clench, his body shake and his eyes burn, tears threatening to fall and he could hear the pouding of his heart in his ears. Life was unpredictable at all times and they could never take anything for granted. They had to live and love each other like there was no tomorrow while continuing to build their future at the same time because in one moment everything could be perfect and in the next, this perfection could fall apart, all of what's happened in the last couple of hours being the perfect example for it. The last two-and-a-half weeks had been some of the best of his life while the last two-and-a-half hours had been some of the worst of his life.

The doors of the OR swinging open interrupted his thoughts, his doom-mongering and he jumped on his feet in a heartbeat. He looked at his brother expectantly and found the answer to his unspoken question in the smile and wink he gave him before the words that left his mouth confirmed that the woman he loved was out of the woods, that she was going to be fine.

″Everything went as well as could be expected,″ Will said, giving his brother a pat on the back. ″She'll be sore for a couple of days, has to follow a strict diet for the next week and has to take things easy but all she'll keep are three very small scars that you probably won't even see anymore in a year and compared to the pain she went through her healing process should be a walk in the park.″

″Thank you,″ Jay breathed out, for the first time in hours having the feeling that he could actually breathe again as a wave of relief was overcoming him and he pulled his brother into a hug. ″And sorry...for earlier.″

″Forgiven and forgotten,″ Will grinned. ″I'm sorry for...″

″Alleging that we're too dumb to contracept just because it happened once?″ Jay finished, raising an eyebrow at his brother.

″Well...no...yeah...whatever,″ Will chuckled.

"You tried to tell me, didn't you?" Jay asked meekly, giving his brother an apologetic smile. "About the appendicitis."

"More than once but you wouldn't listen to me," Will said. "Which I can understand...it wasn't my place to come up with any diagnosis and I'm sorry for even bringing this up and you know..."

″Doesn't matter now,″ Jay smiled tiredly. ″All that matters is Erin and that she's fine. Can I see her?″

″They're just about to bring her to recovery. We should give them ten minutes and then I'll bring you there. I guess you want to stay the night?″

″Not going to leave her for a minute,″ he confirmed. ″You can make a deal with the nurses for me?″ he asked, a little smirk returning to his face.

Will laughed in response an slightly shook his head. Even without that _deal_ Jay would stay and the nurses wouldn't have a chance to get him out of the room. ″Yeah, we'll work something out.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin in a hospital bed was a sight that would never not tighten the knots in his stomach. She looked beyond fragile in those white sheets and gown as he watched her sleep, waiting for those hazel orbs to flutter open, but at least the color of her skin seemed to be a bit better already, still pale but not as green-ish, grey-ish as before. He arranged the chair on that side of the bed where she didn't have the IV in the back of her hand so he could hold her hand, bring it up to his lips and kiss it softly.

He was already about to panic inwardly because she didn't wake up as fast as he'd expected her to, as fast as the surgeon had told him she would, when her eyelids finally began to flutter. She needed a couple more minutes to open them completely and to fight against the obvious feeling of tiredness. She looked around disorientated, uneasy, trying to figure out where she was, but as soon as her eyes found him, she seemed to relax.

″Hey babe,″ Jay said softly and squeezed her hand a little tighter.

″Hey.″ Her voice was just above a whisper but still, hearing it without any hints of pain in it sounded like music to his ears.

″How are you feeling?″ he asked, his hand traveling up to her face to cup her cheek and she instantly snuggled into the warmth of his palm.

″Like I'm high on something,″ she murmured, her eyes finding the needle in the back of her hand.

″Yeah, I guess they gave you a pretty nice cocktail,″ he winked.

″For sure not the kind of cocktail I prefer,″ she answered, a faint smile tugging in the corners of her mouth. ″What happened anyway? It's all a blur.″

″You kinda blacked out in the car and they diagnosed you with severe appendicitis. They had to perform some kind of emergency surgery to remove the appendix and the sore histoid around just before it turned into a cecal perforation.″

″Oh jeeez,″ she sighed. The pain had been absolutely unbearable in the end, had brought her closer to unconsciousness than consciousness, but still, she hadn't thought that it had been this kind of a close call that required an emergency surgery. ″Do I have a big ugly scar on my stomach now?″

″Naaah,″ Jay said, smiling at her. ″You've got lucky. They could do it laparoscopical.″

″That's good I guess.″

″It is. You gave me quite a scare,″ he admitted quietly, his crystal blue eyes still full of concern and leaned over her to peck her lips and rest his forehead against hers.

″I'm sorry,″ she apologized, inhaling his unique scent that could always give her comfort and closed her eyes for a moment because they started to get heavy, the meds in her system taking control over her body. But she had to ask him one more thing before she would sleep allow to win the fight against her wanting to stay awake. ″Where's Emmy?″

″Hank picked her up while you were in sugery. I called him while I was waiting for you to wake up and he said she's perfectly fine, she and Crisp sleeping like angels,″ he said, his forehead still resting against hers. ″Told me he'll never let us go on vacations again if that's the way we end them,″ he laughed.

″Yeah, that sounds like Hank,″ she chuckled slightly but with a sharp intake of breath and a quiet wince she stopped instantly by the pain it caused in her abdomen, the fresh scars twinging.

″Maybe you should better not laugh in the next couple of days, babe,″ Jay said, lifting his head and looking at her with this well-known worried look on his face. He would never not be worried about her well-being and in fact, if he got paid for being worried about her, he'd be a millionaire by now.

″Maybe you shouldn't make me laugh, huh?″ she answered, giving him a weak smile with a hint of sass.

″Deal,″ he winked. ″Now sleep, Er. I see you're fighting.″

″You too,″ she said, scanning his tired face sternly, those dark circles under his eyes probably bigger than her own. ″Go home, Jay. Get some rest. You haven't slept in almost 48 hours.″

She was right, he hasn't slept in almost 48 hours and he had no idea how he was still functioning, how he was able to keep his eyes open, but he shook his head no anyway. ″I'll stay. Make sure that you're fine.″

″Babe, please,″ she pleaded, her hand with the IV coming up to his face, her fingers stroking over his stubbles. ″I'm okay. Please go home and sleep. You need a proper bed and not this chair.″

He didn't want to leave her, wanted to stay with her because it made him feel better, easier. But then again, if he didn't catch a couple hours of proper sleep, he'd probably collapse somewhen during the day tomorrow and what was the worth of that? He wouldn't be able to take care of her and Emmy at all then and his two girls and their dog would definitely need him as the househusband in the next week until the doctors would give her the go ahead to do everything without any restrictions.

″Okay,″ he sighed. ″I'll be back in the morning with a bag of clothes.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said and Jay knew she didn't mean the clothes but rather that he'd agreed on going home to sleep in their bed. All alone.

″I love you,″ he murmured and brushed his lips against hers.

″Love you more,″ she whispered back, finally giving up the fight of staying awake and Jay left as soon as she was back sleeping to spend the first night after coming back from their honeymoon completely different than they'd imagined.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin hated nothing more than hospitals, the place that should make sick people feel better but only made her feel worse and sicker than she actually was. The first day after the surgery, she was still pretty groggy, tired, dizzy and tender and was only allowed to leave the bed for the first time in the afternoon where she realized that walking hurt more than she'd thought and was definitely more uncomfortable than lying in that bed. Jay and Emmy stayed with her for most part of the day so some kind of entertainment was guaranteed but she couldn't even cuddle with her daughter as it wouldn't do any good to the stitches on her stomach, which frustrated her immensely.

″There are still so many things to do in the house,″ she said in the evening, staring at the plate with one piece of zwieback in front of her. This was the first food they've given her since the surgery but she wasn't the tiniest bit hungry and the thought of eating rather made her sore stomach turn.

″It's just the wall behind the dining table and moving all our stuff from the apartment to the house. So it's not that much actually,″ Jay assured her, giving her an encouraging smile.

″We wanted to do the wall somewhen this week so we can move there over the weekend. And now...,″ she sighed.

″Now we'll move one or two weeks later. We have to be out of the apartment by 31 August, so we still have a bit of time.″

″I know...,″ she murmured, but the sad expression on her face told Jay that she was absolutely unhappy and almost devastated about the situation.

″Babe, we'll live there soon enough. For the rest of our life. One or two weeks more or less don't matter now, okay?″ he asked, squeezing her hand a little tighter. ″All that matters is that you're going to be fine,″ he added quietly and leaned in to kiss her.

″Getting there,″ she answered, giving him that kind of smile that didn't reach her eyes.

″I know,″ he nodded. ″I think it's time for some kind of no-more-hospitals-for-a-while deal again, what do you think?″ With Erin having been here a couple weeks back after her concussion and her being here now, they were on the best way to become regular guests in Chicago Med again, like they had been last year, and they wanted to avoid that at all costs.

″Definitely,″ she agreed. ″I hate this place. They poke you with needles, the bed is uncomfortable and the food is far from being delicious,″ she said, eyeing the piece of dry zwieback on her plate.

″Not even hungry but complaining about the food,″ Jay chuckled, before adding: ″But hey, maybe they'll discharge you by Friday.″

″Uh-huh,″ she only nodded in response, not being that optimistic. ″Babe, this no-more-hospitals deal goes for both of us, okay?″ Her voice was quiet, pensive, as she's just remembered how it was almost a year ago that she'd been as close to losing him as never before. When he'd been in that building and that bomb went off. When they'd almost lost him on the table. When he'd been in a medical induced coma. When he'd almost died due to lung failure. When she'd been sure she had to raise their child without him. This was something she never wanted to go through ever again; through this feeling of losing him, of being left behind.

″Sure. No more hospitals from the inside for both of us for a while,″ he said emphatically, really hoping that they could keep that deal for more than just a couple of weeks.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay dropped Emmy off at Carol's place on the following morning, after packing and labeling moving boxes for the better part of the night, and visited Erin quickly before making his way to the district, taking Crispin with him. As soon as Erin would be discharged, he had to stay at home anyway as she wouldn't be allowed to carry anything heavy, not even their daughter, for at least a week, so he'd figured he could and should work as long as she was in the hospital. On this occasion, he could also ask all his team members for a very special favor, one that had to do with the house and was supposed to be a surprise for Erin and of course they all agreed to his plan without even thinking about it because this family always had to stick together and when someone needed help, they were all there to provide it.

He left the bullpen somewhen after five in the evening to bring Crispin to the apartment, pick Emmy up from Carol and visit Erin with her. The woman he loved and has been allowed to call wife for almost three weeks now was already doing way better, her facial color almost back to normal, only a dull pain in her stomach left and the scars twining whenever she made a wrong movement that always caused her to wince because everything was still sore.

She complained how she's been bored to death all day long, even with the laptop Jay had brought her in the morning so she could watch all kind of movies that were on the harddrive. Will and Natalie had checked by during their lunch break and Carol had made the trip with Emmy during the afternoon but still, days in the hospital were endlessly long and one minute felt more like one hour. Jay and the rest of the team had wanted to use their lunch break for a quick visit as well but they'd gotten a lead on their current case during the forenoon so they all hadn't even had time for a break today and while Jay was now with Erin, the rest of the unit was still working the case that's turned out to be more complicated than they'd thought.

With Emmy getting grumpier and refusing to sleep in her stroller and therefore giving them a glimpse how tantrums would look like once she was older, Jay had to leave Erin sooner than expected, before their daughter would shout the hospital down. However, while driving to their apartment building, she fell asleep in her car seat, completely tuckered out by her tiredness and all the crying. So instead of tucking her in and spending the evening in front of the TV, he went back to his former plan, loaded the travel bed in the car and let Crispin hop in the trunk as well and drove straight to Beverly so he could start with their last painting project that would for sure require the following night as well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After another never-ending day in the hospital, where she walked around more and started to eat her bland diet and drink her tea regularly, and the doctors telling her that they wanted to keep her in for another night, just to be on the safe sight, Erin was discharged on Saturday morning when her inflammation scores were satisfying, and Jay picked her up around 10am. She was still far away from her usual strength, only the walk to the car bringing her to her limits as walking was where the pain was the worst but never in a million years she would revert and go back inside to tell the doctors that they'd probably discharged her too soon. She needed to sleep in her own bed again, next to her husband who had his own way of healing her only by holding her close to his muscular body that always provided a safe place.

″Where do we go?″ Erin frowned after they'd stopped at the pharmacy for a minute to pick up the meds she needed to take for the next week. She just wanted to go home, lie down in their bed and try to snuggle with Jay and Emmy and Crispin but wherever Jay was driving to, it wasn't their apartment.

″We're going home,″ he smirked happily.

″Uhm, you just missed the turn for that, you know?″ she teased him, trying not to chuckle because this still hurt.

″I don't think I did,″ Jay answered casually.

″Huh,″ Erin shrugged. ″You can still take the next one I guess.″

″Something like that, yeah,″ he grinned, enjoying the fact that she had no idea about this surprise, that she didn't know that _home_ wouldn't be the apartment anymore as from tonight.

The scales fell from her eyes only a couple of minutes later, when it became obvious that they weren't driving to their apartment building but rather to Beverly, the neighborhood they would soon live in. Yet, she had no idea how soon.

″You didn't...?″ she asked stunned once she'd realized where they were going. Jay was able to pull off a lot of things, mostly because he had a guy for _everything_ , but organizing their move from the city to the suburbs in just a little over two days? This was nothing but impossible, even for him.

″Wait and see, babe,″ he smiled, giving her one of his famous, adorable winks.

And so she waited until they were at their house a couple minutes later and what she saw let almost pop her eyes out of her head. There was a big moving van parked right in front and Kevin and Adam were carrying Emilia's dresser inside while Antonio and Mouse were in the van and just about to lift the crib so they could carefully carry it inside the house as well. Erin's gaze followed Kevin and Adam up the porch and that was when she spotted the banner that hung over the door. It read: _Welcome home!_

It was only in this moment that it hit her, that this beautiful house was the place they called home now. As from today home wasn't the 2-bedroom apartment close to the city turmoil anymore. As from today home was this 5-bedroom house with the big backyard in the suburbs.

″Welcome home, babe,″ Jay said quietly, interpreting her speechlessness as being completely overwhelmed.

″How did you do this?″ she asked, her voice hoarse and when she turned her head to him he could see tears glooming in her eyes.

″I guess I just asked them whether they can help me with something,″ he winked.

″I...this is...thank you,″ she rambled and leaned in to kiss him, ignoring the burning pain her movement caused in her stomach because right now nothing could keep her from kissing this incredible man, her man, her Mr. Incredible in fact.

″Everything for my woman,″ he smiled fondly, his blue eyes sparkling with all the love. ″Emmy and Crispin are with Olive and that's where I want you to stay for the rest of the day as well. But first I have to show you something. In case you feel up to it.″

″I want to take a look inside,″ she demanded, nodding eagerly.

″That's what I thought,″ he laughed. He got out of the car, walked around it, opened her door and helped her to get up because this movement was another one that made her scars twinge a little extra. He laced his hand with hers before they slowly made their way through the frontyard and up the few stairs to the porch. Naturally, everything inside the house was a big mess, stacked moving boxes that haven't found their ways into the rooms yet welcoming them in the hallway but Jay was sure he could use the following days, that he had to spend home because Erin needed his help, to unpack everything and make this house their home.

They found Natalie in the open kitchen, where she washed plates, glasses, pots, pans, bowls, Tupperware containers, cuttlery and any other kitchen stuff and devices and put all those things into the kitchen cabinets, telling them that she was putting any breakable things in the upper cabinets so those were safe when Emilia would soon start to explore and empty out every cabinet she could reach like her son Owen had done.

Erin's eyes roamed around in this one giant, light-flooded room that their kitchen with the cooking island, dining room and living room was and next to finding Hank and Justin building up the sand box and the swing in the garden and Will and Alvin builing up their new wall unit across from where their new, big, comfortable, grey corner sofa with all these soft pillows was located, they also found the wall painting they'd decided to create on the wall behind the dining table. _Of_ _course_ Jay had taken care of this very special detail in the room they would probably spend most of their time.

″Wow,″ she whispered. ″This even turned out better than I thought.″

″I think I kinda like it, too,″ Jay grinned proudly.

″This is amazing, seriously,″ she smiled in awe and couldn't take her eyes away from the cursive, that had the same light grey color as the wall behind their wall unit and the couch as everything in their living and dining room was going to be white and grey, just like their kitchen with the white cabinets and granite top, so it could and would get highlighted with photos they'd taken themselves, like the ones from the incredible sunsets and sunrises from their honeymoon and other paradisaic snapshots no professional photographer could take better and they only needed to decide for some now and let them print on canvas.

 _In these moments, time stood still...,_ that was what was written there. Two quadratic pictures printed on canvas followed below, one the portrait photo the photographer at the hospital had taken of Emmy as a newborn and the other one Erin and Jay sharing a kiss in front of the lake on the day of their wedding. Under Emmy's picture, the same cursive read:

 _Emilia Camille_

 _02-01-2017_

Below the writing was a white clock with Roman numerals, the clock hands showing the time Emilia had been born: 1.21am.

The very same clock was also under the wedding picture, showing the time they'd gotten married in this case, 5.28pm, and the cursive there read:

 _Jay & Erin_

 _07-29-2017_

And no matter that they didn't know yet whether they wanted to have a second child at some point, there was still more than enough space left to add another picture and clock whenever they maybe needed it and they could still do one for Crispin as well, their four-legged kiddo maybe getting a special spot on their family wall, too.

″You are the best of the best,″ Erin smiled at the man who never failed to amaze her and gave him a soft, thankful kiss full of love and affection. How was it possible that her love for this man was still growing every day although the feelings she had for him were already beyond everything she ever thought love could be? How was it possible to love someone even more although you already loved them to the moon and back? She didn't care about the answers to those questions, she only hoped that those intense feelings would never decrease because being in love like this was the best goddam feeling in the world.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin requested to also take a look at Emilia's new room, just to make sure that all her furniture were at their right places but of course Jay had given Sylvie and Kim, who were furnishing the nursery with all of Emmy's stuff, clear instructions of how they wanted everything to be. The painting in this room had been finished weeks ago as they'd simply painted it exactly like her old room, with exception of the quote _Dream Big Little One_ now also decorating the wall behind the crib, so it was all about filling the dresser, changing table and shelves with clothes, diapers, books, stuffies and toys, arranging rugs and playmats on the floor, adding pillows to the rocking chair and making this room Emilia's cozy place. Making the spare bedroom her playroom was put on hold for now, as they first wanted to finish all the other rooms before dedicating their time to this project, and for the next couple of weeks until everything has settled, her nursery, the living room and the play pen there would be her places for entertainment.

Just as Jay'd ordered, Erin stayed at Olive's and Justin's house for the remainder of the day, trying to relax and catch some sleep on the couch which wasn't that easy with a two-year-old, a 6-month-old and a one-month-old in the house and one could say that Olive had her hands more than full with taking care of those three. Erin tried to help her as much as she could, as feeding Emmy her pulp was something she could do herself and even playing with her was possible but when it came to changing her diaper or tucking her in for a nap, she needed help because she wasn't allowed to carry her daughter due to the risk of rupturing her scars.

Meanwhile Hank, Justin, Natalie, Will, Mouse, Antonio, Alvin, Kevin, Adam, Sylvie and Kim helped Jay to make the house the new Halstead family home and after endless hours of sweating and carrying moving boxes and furniture inside, all the stuff they had, had finally found its way from the apartment to the house. Washer and dryer were installed in the basement, the kitchen and the nursery were the only rooms that were almost completely finished and at least every piece of furniture was built up and in the room where it belonged, only the majority of boxes still needed to be unpacked and all kinds of decor and photos to be added to the shelves, sideboards and walls. But this was something they could do themselves within the next couple of days, making this house their cozy safe haven step by step.

The long day ended on the patio, with beer and pizza Jay'd ordered and after promising that they would throw a housewarming party for Jay's 33rd birthday in four weeks, as soon as they were all settled and all the rooms were finished, they were finally alone to spend the first night in their new home. With Emmy on his hips and Crispin by his feet, Jay waved all of their helpers goodbye as they drove off and then made his way upstairs to their bedroom where Erin's been resting for the last hour after she'd said goodbye to their friends earlier, excusing herself to go upstairs and rest because she'd felt that she should take it easy.

″How are you?″ Jay asked, peeking into the bedroom and seeing Erin was awake, Crispin already making his way inside and lying down on the floor on her side of the bed, knowing very well that he was not allowed to jump on the bed.

″Better now that you guys are here,″ she smiled lazily and adjusted her position. ″You come and join me?″

″That's the plan,″ he winked and crossed the room to make himself comfortable on his side of the bed, resting against some pillows, his knees bent so Emmy could sit on his stomach, one arm wrapped around Erin's shoulder so she could snuggle into her favorite position, as close to him as those damn scars would allow.

″So that's it, huh? The first night in our new home,″ Erin smirked, her hand stroking over Emilia's hair. ″How do you like it, baby girl?″

″Sooooo much, right princess?″ Jay grinned and tickled her stomach with his fingers which resulted in their favorite sound in the world: Emmy's happy squealing and giggling accompanied with her adorable smile.

″So so so much,″ he said laughingly and lifted her up over their heads, her squeeking even increasing as was 'flying' on her father's arms, Erin watching her favorite dork, this amazing father, her husband in awe. If there was something like the father-of-the-year award and the husband-of-the-year award he would sure as hell get them both because there was no doubt that he was the very best and most perfect father and husband around the globe.

″You wanna give mommy a kiss?″ Jay asked his daughter, bringing her down just above Erin's face so his wife could give their daughter a kiss on the cheek.

″Hey monkey,″ Erin smiled and gave her a kiss, Emmy grabbing for her nose with her tiny hands.

″Can daddy have a kiss, too?″ he asked and lifted her up again only to bring her down just above his own face so he could kiss her cheek.

″Thank you, princess. Another one for mommy?″ What could simply be described as a little workout for him seemed to be a very funny game for Emmy and she babbled and giggled joyfully when Jay lifted her up and down again so Erin could give her another kiss.

″There you go,″ Erin grinned and her lips found Emmy's rosy cheek again and before their evening continued with more tickling, giggles and playing peek-a-boo before Emmy eventually fell asleep on Jay's chest, she asked: ″Can my husband give me a kiss as well?″

″I don't think my wife should ever have to ask for that,″ he smirked and turned his head to her so she didn't have to move and their lips could meet in a long kiss.

And as she tasted Jay's lips against her own, as she felt the familiar curve of his lips melting perfectly into hers, her heart was full, regardless all the drama that had happened in between leaving Wisconsin and being here in their new home five days later now. This was the place their daughter would grow up, the place they would raise her, the place they would make so many many more memories in the years to come. They'd made many great memories in the apartment, that had become theirs not even a year ago, the place where they'd rekindled their relationship in her living room, the place where their daughter had been conceived, the place they had brought her home to after her birth. But from now on they would continue to add chapters to their story here in Beverly and there was nothing Erin looked forward to more than their settled family life in the suburbs and the things the future held for them...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! :) Please leave a review and let me know what you think and get ready for more adventures of the Halstead-family in their new home :)**


	70. Full House

**You lovely people, thank you so much for your feedback! I hope you enjoy this one as well :)**

* * *

 **70\. Full House**

The rest of August consisted of hot and humid days that passed quickly, summer still in full force as September came closer. They used the days of Erin's sick leave, where Jay stayed at home with her as she was not allowed to even carry Emilia, to unpack all of their boxes to reduce the mess, Erin helping as much as her condition would allow, and to clean and decorate the house, including photo walls with many photos of all their loved ones and special memories in the hallway downstairs and upstairs. The photos of sunsets and sunrises printed on canvases found their spots on the walls in the living room, the ones with white beaches and crystal blue water from Anitgua in their bedroom, perfectly fitting to the colors they'd chosen for the walls there. Curtains were hung up in the nursery and the bedroom, decorative rugs found their spots on the wooden floor in the bedroom, nursery and living room and Jay went to shop for his 65-inch flatscreen and proudly installed it in his man cave at its destined place, so the first evening full of sports couldn't come soon enough. They added some decor stuff here and there and more framed pictures to the wall unit and their bedside tables, and slowly but steady the mess and chaos turned into the coziest and most beautiful home with lots of personal details.

With living in the suburbs, their morning routine changed as well as soon as Erin was allowed to work again by the end of August because much to her absolute displeasure they had to get up even earlier now, having breakfast, driving towards the city, dropping Emmy off at Carol's place, their nanny now also taking care of a ten-month-old girl named Adeline, which they liked a lot because Emmy would grow up with having someone almost her age around, and making it to the district by 7.45am. But the extra stress in the mornings was all worth it as especially the evenings in their very own backyard made up for it. Evenings in the kiddie pool or in the sand box. Evenings that consisted of pushing the swing back and forth, which turned out to be Emilia's new favorite thing, and of throwing balls that Crispin could chase. Evenings that were the most perfect when Jay didn't have to work through the night and could be home with them for some rare family time full of joy now that everything has settled and Erin was all healthy again, three very small scars being the only reminder of what had happened after their honeymoon.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was in mid September, just three days before Jay's birthday on the 17th, when Erin wanted to pick up Emmy in the morning to make her ready for the day and was greeted by her 7-and-a-half-month-old daughter standing on her own two feet on the mattress of her crib, her hands firmed around the bars. She smiled brightly, obviously being pretty proud of herself and Erin had to swallow hard to keep her emotions down as her daughter suddenly looked so much more like a toddler and not a baby anymore. Emmy's been on the move a lot lately, crawling everywhere she could, was able to sit by herself and change her positions but so far she's never tried to pull herself up somewhere, the possibility of standing on her feet with her parents's help always being enough for her. Not anymore as it seemed now.

″Jay,″ she called once she was able to speak again. He needed to witness this new milestone as well so he could get as emotional as she already was by the fact how fast their baby was growing up. Holding her bottle all by herself, only getting formula two times a day, babbling things like _mamamamama_ and _dadadadada_ , sitting, crawling and now standing – where had the time gone since the 1st of February when she'd just been a little over six pounds?

″Huh?″ he called back from the bedroom where he was changing into his clothes for work.

″Emmy needs to show you something. Be quick!″ she called, running her hand through her messy hair. Opposite to Jay she didn't have to go to work today – Thursday was still her day off - so she was still wearing her pajama shorts and a top, her hair, that had been a bun before she went to bed last night, quite the mess, loose strands falling into her face.

″What's up?″ he asked, stepping out of the bedroom shirtless, closing the zipper and button of his jeans while crossing the hallway to the nursery.

″Look,″ she said, motioning her head to Emmy who was still standing there like it was the most normal thing in the world for a 7-month-old. Of course it wasn't unusual for babies that age to pull themselves up and stand on their feet, some were simply earlier with that just as some were making the first attempts to walk quite late. But it confirmed her suspicion that chances were high that Emmy would be one of those early walkers and she honestly didn't know how to feel about that as she was both, proud and sad.

″Uhm...wow,″ he exclaimed stunned once his eyes fell on his little princess. ″Emmy, what are you doing there?″

Erin wrapped his arms around Jay's bare torso from behind and nestled her head against his muscular back. ″Should we tell her that she's not allowed to do that yet?″ she murmured against his skin, inhaling his scent.

″I don't think she'll listen to us,″ he chuckled. Although only being a little over 7 months old, Emmy had a strong mind of her own, always knowing what she wanted and going for it and maybe this was the reason why she was already standing on her own feet now. ″Because you know, she's so much like this other woman I love more than life itself.″ He turned around and wrapped her arms around her, a boyish smile covering his face.

″Trying to tell me I don't listen to you, Halstead?″ she chuckled.

″If that's the way you interpreted it, _Halstead_ ,″ he smirked, raising his eyebrow cockily and pressing a kiss on her lips before spinning around to dedicate his attention to Emmy again. ″And you, little Ms Halstead, what are you up to this morning already, huh?″ he asked her as he crossed the room to pick her up into his arms.

″Who's my favorite cheeky girl? Is that you, Emmy?″ he grinned, tickled her stomach and then lifted her up over his head. ″Are you daddy's favorite little girl? Yes you are,″ he laughed, brought her back down and kissed her cheek, Erin laughing heartily as well because Jay's facial expressions while talking with his daughter like this had been hilarious and absolutely adorable.

″Unfortunately daddy has to make himself ready work now or he'll get into trouble with grandpa Hank for showing up late,″ he whispered against her ear. ″But you can totally show me your new trick again tonight, deal?″ he asked her and handed her over to Erin.

″In case we don't have to bust some gangbangers tonight,″ he sadly smiled at his wife. He loved his job and the adrenaline that rushed through his body whenever they needed their vests and were out on a bust, whenever he was allowed to use the long gun but at the same time this exciting job was the reason why the time with his family was mostly limited to mornings and weekends and why he couldn't bring his daughter to bed every evening like dad's with an office job and regular hours could. Though he wouldn't complain; not many people were allowed to do what they loved while at the same time trying to bring justice to a city full of crimes, drugs and corruption. And although their paychecks weren't stellar, their jobs allowed them to live in an area like Beverly and own a house lots of people could only dream of.

Erin grimaced by the thought of spending the evening alone – thursdays have been way more boring since Cruz had ended the zumba class a couple weeks back but they were already talking him into starting a new one now that fall was approaching and things were looking good that Cruz gave in – but she couldn't change it anway. This was their life and as from tomorrow, she would work full fridays, including possible busts in the evenings and nightshifts, while Jay would leave around 3 or 4pm to be with Emmy, so their roles would possibly be reversed soon, at least for that one day a week.

″Let's think positive and pretend you can check out on time, what do you want to have for dinner tonight?″ she asked.

″Uhm, anything,″ he chuckled.

″You okay with chicken enchiladas, rice and salad? It's a new recipe I found on the internet the other day,″ she shrugged like it was not a big deal that she, Erin Halstead, was searching the internet for new recipes every once in a while. And maybe by now it really wasn't a big deal anymore.

A bright, proud smile spread over Jay's face by her suggestion. Sometimes he couldn't believe that this woman, who's been trying new delicious recipes fairly often in the last couple of months, was the same that had a year ago had trouble with heating up canned ravioli.

″Sounds perfect,″ he smirked and kissed her once more before retreating into the bedroom to slip into one of his henleys.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Say byebye daddy,″ Erin said, standing on the porch with Emmy on her hip when they watched Jay taking the driver's seat in the 300. ″Byebye,″ she said once more and took Emmy's hand to wave at him.

″Byebye,″ Jay waved back and threw them another trademark smile just before he sat down, closed the door and put the car into reverse to pull out on the street.

″There he goes,″ Erin sighed and pressed a kiss against Emmy's head.

She went back inside and started her morning routine by feeding Crispin and preparing Emmy's formula, giving her daughter the bottle while she was eating her fruit oatmeal at the same time, which was then followed by changing Emmy's diaper and dressing her in one of her colorful leggins and a matching plain shirt. Once Emmy was ready for further adventures, she brought her back downstairs and put her in the play pen so she could make herself ready as well, trying to arrange her messy hair and slipping into a pair of yoga pants and a shirt.

After putting Emmy in the stroller, she went for a light jog through the neighborhood and one of the parks with her and Crispin and decided to postpone grocery shopping to later when it started to rain just when they rounded the corner to their street. So instead of putting Emilia in the car seat and driving to the next superstore after her morning nap and her own very needed shower, she settled with her baby girl in the nursery, building towers with bricks, Emmy finding special sensation whenever Erin crashed the tower and the wooden bricks spread all over the floor only to build it again.

″You really like that, huh?″ Erin giggled when collected the bricks to build the 16th tower in an hour. Lately, Emmy's been loving doing the same tasks over and over again and Erin had read in one of the baby books, that this was a baby's way of learning, of remembering things so they could somewhen do it theirselves. And even though it was kind of boring for her to do the same thing over and over again, she would keep on building the same tower for hours as long as Emilia found excitement in it and giggled and babbled the way she was right now.

″Okay, again?″ she asked and gave her one of the bricks. ″Here you go, tower number 16,″ she laughed and started to build a new one, Emmy looking at the building that was getting higher in front of her completely fascinated.

Erin's day, that could easily be described as the one of a usual housewife – though she would still punch anyone who ever called her that – continued with building more towers until it was time for her to make Emmy's pulp and so she took her downstairs to the living room to keep an eye on her, and soon toys were spread all over the floor here as well. After Emmy was all fed and happy and with the rain having stopped an hour ago, she went for a really quick walk just around the block with her and Crispin, hoping that the fresh air, that definitely showed some first hints that fall was around the corner, would lull her to sleep. However, Emilia was still wide awake after those 15 minutes and so she settled her on her mat in the living room again while she emptied the dishwasher so she could just fill it again tonight after cooking dinner. It became suspiciously quiet in the room and once this unloved task was done and she looked for her daughter in the living room, she found her sleeping on her mat, all cuddled up to Crispin who was sleeping as well.

 _This dog and this kid_ , she thought smilingly and shook her head slightly, reaching for her phone on the dining table to take a picture and send it to Jay.

She let the two of them sleep there and started to clean up the mess in the living room by putting all of the toys back in the play pen, knowing that she could completely avoid this mess by putting Emmy in there to play. But it reminded her of a jail too much with those bars and she wanted Emmy to be able to move wherever she wanted to and so she only used it when she couldn't keep an eye on her as it was the safest place then.

When Emilia was taking her nap, it was almost the only time of the day that she could do something productive as her baby girl didn't crave for the attention she loved to give her. As she urgently needed to do their laundry, this task, that was also high on her personal list of unloved things, was her activity for the following hour, sorting the dirty stuff and putting it into the machine, folding the clothes she'd put into the machine and the dryer throughout the morning and putting them into their dressers upstairs.

If someone had asked Erin a year ago how she envisioned a day at home, a day away from the bullpen and all the action that went down on the streets of Chicago, she would've answered it with deadly boring and agonizing. But ever since being a mother, not a single day at home has been boring. It was more the opposite in fact. Other than the times she sat down on the floor to play with her daughter, she didn't have a moment to rest or stare at walls, like she'd scared back then. There was always something to do and she was always on the run, this day proving no difference. She still had to go grocery shopping for dinner tonight and for the birthday-BBQ and housewarming party on Sunday and as soon as Emmy woke up from her nap, the superstore was her next destination.

Returning home after what felt like endless hours of walking through aisles with groceries, overloading her cart with everything they needed, then carrying those dozens of bags inside the house, storing everything away and afterwards spending a couple of minutes outside in the backyard so Emmy could get her daily dose of seesawing, meant that it was already time to prepare dinner without that she'd done all of the things she'd wanted to do. Maybe Jay would have a spare minute tomorrow afternoon to clean the bathroom and vacuum the other rooms. And if not, their Saturday would be used to play housewife and househusband at its finest.

It was while the enchiladas were in the oven that her phone buzzed on the counter of the kitchen island and she sensed to know who was writing her a message and why. Reaching for her phone and unlocking it, her apprehension got confirmed. Unfortunately.

 _Suspect just gave us an adress. Might get late. Don't eat all the enchiladas alone. Love you._

″Well Emmy, there goes our family dinner,″ she sighed and plopped down on the floor next to her daughter, settling her in her lap and giving her one of the chunky rings of her Stacking Toy.

″Seems like it's just you and me and Crisp tonight, so what do we make of that, huh?″ she asked and kissed the top of Emmy's head. Another of those evenings without Jay, of possibly not even seeing him before the morning, wasn't something she exactly looked forward to.

A little later, she had a quite early dinner in company of her daughter and Crispin, who always hoped that she would give him something although he knew he wouldn't get anything as they never fed him from the table. She was pretty proud of herself because those enchiladas were definitely high on the list of the best things she's cooked so far, and once her stomach was too full for her own good, she went for the third stroll that day with her two-legged and four-legged kid.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Who's the cutest naked little monkey?″ Erin baby-talked, leaning over her daughter and blowing kisses onto her bare belly after she'd just finished bathing her.

″Is that you, bug?″ she grinned, Emmy's hearty laughter being pure heart-balm when she blew more kisses on her stomach, her soft skin smelling of baby lotion.

″Are you the cutest naked little monkey?″ she asked again, reaching for the diaper and putting it on. She'd just closed the last strap when the doorbell was ringing.

″Who could that be?″ Erin frowned, looking from her daughter down to Crispin. Ever since Bunny'd almost kidnapped Emmy after pushing her back that she'd crashed against the sideboard, she was very apprehensive whenever the bell was ringing and they didn't expect guests, a package or the delivery guy. But Crispin seemed to be completely fine with the situation, no barking and his face as innocent and happy as always. So it didn't seem like that another catastrophe was waiting for her in front of the door.

″Okay guys, let's check that door,″ she said, wrapped the towel with the hood around Emmy and picked her little dwarf up into her arms.

The bell rang again while she was on the way downstairs and she yelled ″coming!″ seconds before she reached the door to open it, being completely surprised when she found her brother-in-law standing on the porch, looking like a drowned rat because it was pouring down again.

″Will,″ she smiled but that smile dropped when she saw the look on the older of the Halstead brothers's face. Sad, devastated, his eyes giving away that he'd possibly cried not long ago. In addition there was a duffel bag hanging over his shoulder, so it didn't even take her five seconds to figure out what was going on without him saying anything.

″Uhm...hi Erin,″ he stammered, looking down to his feet and avoiding her gaze. ″Is Jay home?″

″No, he's working late,″ she answered. ″You wanna come in?″

″Uhm...maybe...no,″ he shook his head. ″Sorry, this was a bad idea.″

″Will,″ Erin said, grabbing his arm before he could turn around and leave. ″You should know by now that I don't bite. So come in already,″ she smiled encouragingly, her hand still firmed around his arm.

″If I...if I come in now...I don't know whether I'll leave again that soon,″ he said quietly, for the first time looking directly into her eyes and the look he gave her almost broke Erin's heart. Whatever has _exactly_ happened, it's shattered him, leaving a broken man behind.

″Doesn't matter, we have a guest room,″ she shrugged, giving him a meaningful glance that should signalise him that she knew what was going on and that there was no need for him to explain.

″You sure?″

″Yeah, we don't have that guest room for nothing. Come in now,″ she smiled faintly and finally the ginger accepted her offer and walked past her through the open door.

″Thank you, Erin,″ he said, trying to smile at her and looking around in the hall like he's never been here before.

″Of course, Will,″ she nodded. ″I'll just go upstairs, dress this monkey in her pajamas and tuck her in. I don't know how long it'll take today but you know where the guest room is, so make yourself comfortable. You can use the shower, there are towels in the cabinet and in case you're hungry, there are enchiladas in the oven but I guess you would have to heat them up in the microwave.″

″Thank you,″ he said again and at least smiling worked a little better now.

Followed by Crispin, Erin went back upstairs, dressed Emmy in her pajamas and settled with her in the rocking chair to read her a story until her eyes got heavy and then rocked back and forth with her until her eyelids with those long lashes fell close. She put her in her crib, covered her with her favorite blanket and made sure that her two important stuffies were with her as well.

″Sweet dreams, bug,″ Erin whispered, her hand stroking over Emmy's cheek one last time before she would leave the room. ″Seems like you'll have to help us to cheer your uncle Will up in the next couple of days,″ she sighed, her mind contemplating whether she should Will ask about what's happened or whether she should wait for him to tell her. If he was anything like his little brother, it was better not to push him though.

With that in mind, she went back down to the living room and found her freshly showered brother-in-law standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, staring outside in the backyard.

″You tried those enchiladas?″ she asked, Will startling by the sudden sound of her voice behind him.

″Uhm...no,″ he denied and turned around to her, his facial expression so different than she used to know it. ″I'm not hungry.″

″Hey, you can tell me when you don't want to eat my food,″ she joked, giving him a soft punch and even got the tiniest of smiles from him.

″It's not that. I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't feel like eating,″ he said almost apologetically.

″Okay,″ she nodded, scanning him sternly. ″But just so you know, the fridge is open all night and you can take whatever you want. Especially ice cream can help a lot,″ she winked, trying to lighten the mood when she had actually no idea how to behave around him.

″Good to know,″ he half-smiled. ″Would you mind if I go to my room?″

″Will, you don't have to sit down and watch TV with me,″ she smiled. ″You can watch TV in your room, you can watch TV in Jay's man cave upstairs, you can do whatever you want.″

″Okay...thank you,″ he answered like he's really needed her permission for this, made an awkward gesture with his hands and disappeared towards the guest room that was on this floor.

Erin made herself comfortable on the couch, arranged Crispin's blanket so the dog could lie down next to her without that his hair would be all over their new couch. They've come a long way from Crispin not being allowed to join them on the couch but with Jay working late every so often, Crispin was the only decent replacement for cuddles while watching TV until he would at some point get up himself and simply go upstairs into Emmy's room to sleep there. And the young dog knew exactly that he was only allowed to lie down on this exact blanket and only when Erin gave him the permission to do so.

″So Crisp, what do you wanna watch?″ she asked, settling in one of the corners of the couch with two fluffy pillows, Crispin jumping onto his blanket and lying down on his side, his head resting on Erin's thigh.

″Rerun of America's Got Talent?″ she asked the dog as if he could say yes or no, zapping through the channels. ″Or Ninja Warrior?″ she added, staying with that channel for a second and then deciding to keep watching it at least until the next commercial break.

″Looks like fun, doesn't it?″ she smirked when one of the contenders failed and fell into the water, her fingers absently tickling Crispin's favorite spot behind his ears.

She didn't know how often she's swapped channels, not being able to decide on anything as nothing interested her that much, always waiting for Jay's key to turn in the lock, when Will shuffled back into the room.

″This ice cream thing,″ he said and sounded almost shy. ″It works?″

″Yeah, ice cream works wonders,″ Erin grinned. ″Want me to get you some?″

″Naah, I can do it myself,″ Will answered and shuffled towards the kitchen. She heard him arranging a few items in the freezer before he eventually found it and much to her surprise, he didn't disappear in his room with the Ben & Jerry's but sat down on the couch next to her and Crispin. She watched him for a minute but when he didn't say anything, she decided to keep her mouth closed as well, waiting for him to be ready to talk.

″You were right,″ Will somewhen said in between swallowing down and already putting the next spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

″That's my favorite thing to hear,″ Erin chuckled, turning the volume of the TV down.

″Huh,″ Will smirked and for the first time this evening it seemed like a real smile. ″Can I eat all of it?″

″Uhm, you're the doctor, I don't know how healthy that is,″ she laughed. ″But when you eat it, I won't, so that's good I guess.″

″We could share,″ he suggested.

″Will, just eat, okay?″ Erin winked and Will nodded in response as they fell back into silence. Erin turned the volume of the TV back up and for a while they both concentrated on whatever was flickering on the screen before it was Crispin jumping up and simply leaving the room towards the hall that brought the conversation back.

″What's he doing?″ Will frowned, his eyes following the dog. If at all, he'd expected him to go outside in the backyard through the open French window.

″He's tired, so he goes upstairs to sleep in his bed in Emmy's room,″ Erin explained.

″He could sleep here, with you tickling his ears and stroking his belly. That's what any dog would do.″

″I know. But Crispin is not any dog,″ she smirked. ″And he would only sleep with Emmy being around because he's been protecting her from the moment Jay brought him home. He's amazing with her.″

″Yeah, I remember at dad's birthday, how great he was with Ow..-″ he started, interrupting himself mid-sentence. Erin looked at him and their gazes met for a brief second before Will turned his head away somehow ashamed. Maybe it was because of the tears Erin had discovered in his eyes. Maybe he didn't want her to see him this vulnerable and hurt.

She turned her attention back to the TV quickly, expecting the ginger Halstead to leave and go into his room for some privacy but he stayed, an awkward silence surrounding them no matter that the TV was running.

″He called me daddy,″ he suddenly, unexpectedly blurted out.

″Ouh,″ Erin exhaled, putting two and two together in a heartbeat. Usually something like this would be a happy moment but not with the way Natalie Manning had lost her husband, her son's father, war taking away the man that was supposed to spend the rest of his life with her.

″She freaked out. She completely freaked out,″ Will said, staring at the TV with empty eyes but not paying any attention to the things that actually flickered on the screen.

″I'm pretty sure this whirled up a lot of feelings and emotions inside of her...″ Erin said, trying to imagine how Natalie must've felt.

″I know. And I understand that, Erin, I really do. But I suddenly have the feeling that she's clearly not over him and I honestly don't know whether I want to compete with a dead man for the rest of my life because this is a fight I can't win,″ he answered quietly.

″So you left?″ Erin raised her eyebrows, her voice a bit too incredulous given the fact that her brother-in-law was kinda pouring out his heart to her.

″No,″ he denied and shook his head. ″I wanted to stay, talk with her about it. But she said she needs space and basically asked me to go, so I decided to back down and left. Now she surely shows him pictures of his dad all night, trying to get him to realize who his real dad is,″ he added bitterly. ″And no matter how hard it's to accept, that's not me. I'm not his dad. I never was and I'll never be. Not the same blood running in our veins, end of the story,″ he shrugged like he didn't care when Erin knew how much he actually did.

″Family is not about blood, Will. Sharing the same DNA doesn't make you a father just like not sharing the same DNA prevails you from being a father. Hank is not my biological father either but he's my father in every way that counts.″

He seemed to contemplate her words for a minute, nodding slightly. ″Yeah, but in our case Natalie doesn't even want me to be his father, Erin,″ he laughed sardonically. ″What am I going to be for him? The guy that fucks his mother?″

Erin sucked in a sharp breath by his choice of words that left his mouth seldomly harsh. ″No Will, you're the only father-figure he has at this point and I'm sure deep down inside Natalie knew that this would happen eventually. Give her some time to deal with that. It's not an easy situation and I don't think you can ever fully move on from something she went through.″

″I know that Jeff will always be a part of Natalie's life. He's Owen's dad and Owen will grow up learning his dad was a hero,″ he said, gnawing on his lips like his brother always did when he wanted to say more but was undecided. ″I guess...I guess I'm just scared that I'll play a different role in all of that than I thought,″ he admitted quietly and suddenly he seemed so vulnerable again.

″You really wanted to be his dad, huh?″ Erin asked.

″You know, I was happy when he called me daddy. I never thought that I need to hear that but damn, it felt amazing,″ he admitted, his face lighting up for a moment. ″And now it seems like everything fell apart and I don't know whether this is something we can fix.″

″Of course you can,″ Erin assured him. ″Every relationship eventually goes through a rough patch. For me and Jay it was when he asked me to move in together out of nowhere, when I wasn't ready for this step. This was before we even knew about Emmy's existence. My sudden reaction out of fear and whatever else was mixed into it almost destroyed everything we had as I pushed him away. And regardless that the issue is different, I'd say Natalie reacted pretty similar,″ she explained, touching his upper arm. ″Give her time. This is something that has to settle, something she has to come to terms with but in the end of the day these overstrained feelings will fade and she'll realize that she overreacted and that you're the man she wants to be with.″

″I hope you're right,″ Will said pensively. It sounded more like a desperate wish than something he was convinced of. ″My life has never been as perfect as in these last couple of months with Natalie and Owen.″

″I know,″ Erin nodded. ″And I know what she did hurt you. Immensely. And you have every reason to be disappointed. But when she wants to talk, don't get butthurt and push her away just because she pushed you away. Be there for her and work through this together. We're all only human and we all make mistakes.″

Will gazed at her for a moment, letting her words sink in. ″Talking from experience?″ he winked.

″Maybe,″ she grinned. ″Just because Jay's and my relationship might look easy and perfect from the outside doesn't mean we haven't been at points like this either, especially in the beginning. But we have something that's always been worth fighting for and I _know_ you and Nat have that, too.″

″You know, Erin, until today I thought we had that, too,″ he smiled sadly. ″Anyway, I think I'll try to sleep, I'm on the early shift tomorrow,″ he ended the conversation quickly and got up. ″Goodnight Erin.″

″Goodnight Will,″ she said and watched him walk away only for him to disappear in her vision again literally a second later.

″Uhm...thanks for the talk. It felt good to talk about it and to hear your advice,″ he smiled faintly.

″Anytime,″ she winked and this time her brother-in-law retreated to his room for real.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was around 10.30pm when Jay finally came home after another endless day full of work, Erin still zapping between different channels in an attempt not to fall asleep on the couch.

″Hey babe,″ she greeted him when she walked into the hall where he was taking off his boots to put them in the shoe cabinet neatly.

″Hey wifey,″ he smirked and pressed a kiss against her lips. ″How was your day?″

″The usual madness,″ she laughed. ″And yours?″

″This city has too many idiots,″ he sighed and rubbed his temples.

″You're pretty beat, huh?″ she asked worriedly, bringing her hand up to his neck to massage it gently.

″Literally chased one of those idiots through half of the city...on foot,″ he smirked tiredly. ″I'm as beat that I already had hallucinations and saw Will's car parked in front of the house,″ he chuckled.

″Uhm, this wasn't necessarily a hallucination I guess,″ Erin answered, biting her lower lip with her teeth.

″Wait,″ Jay frowned. ″Will's here? Why? Did Natalie kick him out?″ he joked but he only needed to see the look on Erin's face to realize that this joke has fallen flat and that there was truth to his words. ″They broke up?!″ he exclaimed in disbelief.

″No...it's complicated. I think he'll crash with us for a bit and make our house fuller but in the end they'll work it out,″ she explained, hoping for Will's sake that they could really work through this, leave it behind and continue to live their life together. ″There are some of those enchiladas left, so how about I tell you the whole story while you fill this growling stomach of yours so it doesn't wake up any sleeping individual in this house?″ she asked him, smirking innocently, her hands resting on his waist, her thumbs stroking up and down over the fabric of his henley.

″I'd kill for some food right now,″ he chuckled.

″Then come on my hungry man,″ she grinned, her hand traveling to his back so she could guide him towards the kitchen.

While he was eating – telling her on more than one occasion how delicious those enchiladas were – she told him about her conversation with Will earlier, about the things he'd told her and the things she'd told him. Jay was somehow glad that Erin had been the one who was home when Will had shown up in front of their door because he was sure that the words she'd chosen had a better effect on him than any words Jay would've told him. This was one of the things Erin was so brilliant at; giving other people the feeling that she understood them without taking a side, being rational yet sympathetic and caring and encouraging them not to give up.

″I think I'll check in on Nat tomorrow evening after work,″ she concluded her story.

″Babe, I know you mean well but you don't have to play peacemaker. They have to work through this on their own,″ he said, pushing his empty plate away and covering her hand with his.

″I don't want to play peacemaker. This is their battle, not mine. I just think Natalie could need a friend to talk. Sometimes it's easier to talk about it with someone else and that makes you realize what you really want. So I'll be there as her friend, as her shoulder to cry on, as her punching bag, as listener, as someone who tries to give advice in case she asks for it.″

″You are one amazing woman, Erin Halstead,″ Jay smiled, his heart-eyes emphasizing his statement. Every day his love for this woman was growing and he had no idea how endless love could even grow more endless. ″Amazing wife, amazing friend, amazing mom, amazing cook,″ he winked, looked at the empty plate where not even a hint of sauce was left, before leaning in to kiss her.

″Most times,″ she chuckled, her words swallowed by his kiss.

″I just wondered,″ he murmured against her lips. ″Whether I could have a dessert as well...″

″I'm afraid your brother ate the whole ice cream,″ she chuckled, kissing him apologetically.

″Didn't mean ice cream anyway,″ he answered huskily, a cocky, playful eyebrow-raise making it clear what kind of dessert he was aiming for. ″You know, I still have to take a shower, so I more thought of having dessert in th-″

She captured his lips with hers before he could finish his sentence, their lips melting in a hot, passionate kiss. ″Get that shower running already,″ she murmured into his mouth.

She didn't have to say that twice.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It took Erin a minute to figure out that her brother-in-law didn't have the househusband qualities his younger brother had when she came into the kitchen on the following morning to prepare Emmy's formula. While Jay would've put his used bowl into the dishwasher, Will had only put it in the sink, the few pieces of granola that were glued to it not even rinsed off. In addition, the box of granola was still standing on the counter and she knew how Jay would tease her now if it had been her who'd left something on the counter: _do you think there's magic and it'll find its way back inside the cabinet all by itself?_ She chuckled slightly by this thought as she could vividly imagine this conversation; it's happened quite a lot after all.

″Look, mommy is in a good mood this morning,″ she heard Jay saying and found him standing in the doorway, carrying their fully dressed daughter on his hip.

″Your brother is so much more like me than he is like you,″ she laughed and waved with the cereal box before she put it into the cabinet.

″Neatness is something not everybody is gifted with,″ he smirked innocently, expecting a punch from her in return.

″It's a good thing that extremes meet, huh?″ she chuckled and closed the gap between them, not going for that punch he deserved right now. ″Hey baby girl,″ she sang and kissed her cheek, ″did you greet daddy standing on your feet this morning, too?″

″She did,″ Jay nodded proudly. ″And she said _dadadadada_ when I walked in.″

″She didn't,″ Erin said, narrowing his eyes at him.

″I swear,″ he laughed. ″And right after that she said _mamamamama_.″

″Okay, nice saving, Emmy,″ she laughed as well and handed Jay the bottle of formula she'd prepared so Emmy could have her breakfast while she would go for a quick walk with Crispin, the two of them buying their own breakfast in their favorite coffee shop on the way to the district later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Leaving the bullpen just after 3pm was something Jay could definitely get used to. As today was Erin's first official full day, it was the first time he was allowed to leave the district early to spend some precious time with Emilia once a week. Together with Hank they'd agreed that he could leave the district between 2 and 4pm that one time a week Erin worked a full day, in case the unit didn't require his skills. In this case both of them would at least work until 6pm and when the unit had a nightshift ahead, one of them could go home then, whether this was Jay or Erin was up to them, unless they needed a sniper.

Today there was no need for a sniper as the whole day had been about the aftermath of last nights bust and other than arresting some more perps this morning, they'd dealt with paperwork for the rest of the day and so Jay checked out unusual early, generously leaving the rest of his paperwork to Erin. Given the fact that he was finally allowed to spend a couple of hours with Emmy on a weekday, she even did it with joy because her husband totally deserved this rare time with his princess.

″So bug, what are we doing now? Anything special you want to do?″ he asked his daughter, scooping her from the car seat into his arms. When he'd picked her up from Carol 20 minutes ago, she'd just finished her nap, so she was basically a bundle of energy now, up to any adventure he would offer.

″How about we go for a quick walk with Crisp, stop by the park so he can chase some balls and power himself out and you can maybe try the slide? Does that sound like a plan?″

″Dadadada,″ she babbled excitedly and reached for his face.

″I take this as a yes,″ Jay laughed and after putting the stroller out of the trunk and settling Emmy in it and also letting Crisp, who'd stayed with Carol as well, out of the trunk, they were already on the go to explore the neighborhood.

They reached the small but beautiful park with the playground in no time and while Jay knelt on the grass, Emmy standing on her feet in just her socks, Jay holding her safely to give her the support she still needed, Crispin chased after the balls he threw and always brought them back dutifully. Emilia found special excitement in watching Crispin run after the ball and see him running back towards them and she laughed as hard that her whole body was shaking and she almost lost the little bit of balance that she had.

″Easy, princess,″ Jay laughed and pressed a kiss on her head from behind. ″Don't be jaunty. That standing thing is not that easy.″

They kept on playing this game until Crispin came running back and simply lay down next to them instead of giving Jay the ball for a countless time, signalising that he was done for now. So they changed the location and went to the smaller of the two slides, Jay lifting Emmy onto it and letting her slide down while he was of course still holding her, making sure that she was safe. And no matter that it wasn't too fast, she seemed to have a blast, this new experience making her giggle and babble loudly and excitedly.

″Sliding's high on the list of big hits, huh?″ Jay asked and swirled her through the air. ″Daddy always liked it as well. Once you're older we'll try all the bigger slides in the waterpark, what do you think? Good idea?″ He brought her back down so they were face-to-face and kissed her forehead shortly.

″I love you so much, baby girl,″ he whispered, inhaling her unique scent, this mixture of peach and vanilla and raspberry and something that was just simply Emmy, before their sliding adventure continued for a little while longer.

As Erin would go to Natalie's place right after work and as they had enough enchiladas left from the previous day anyway, there was no need for him to cook tonight, which he was quite happy about because it meant he could play with Emmy a little more before it was time for her to sleep. He expected Will to be home since he'd been on early shift but neither his car nor Will himself were anywhere to be seen. While he was sitting on the floor in the nursery, basically all of Emmy's toys spread around them, he sent his brother a quick text, getting an answer he'd somehow expected and wasn't surprising at all. _Pulling a double shift, won't be back before mignight._ Of course Will distracted himself with work. The more time he spent in the hospital, saving other people's lives, the less time he had to spend in his room in their house, staring at walls and thinking about Natalie and witnessing all those happy family vibes. Jay had to admit that he would probably do the same. No matter how different they were in general, there were some situations where they reacted similarly and overloading themselves with work was a their way of dealing with problems.

″Dadada,″ Emilia babbled, holding up her teething toy, a giraffe, her voice interrupting his thoughts.

″I'm sorry, bug,″ he smirked at his little attention seeker, taking the giraffe from her hand. ″Now you've got my full attention again,″ he said and tickled her belly with his fingers.

Time passed quickly and after feeding her and changing her for the night, he read her a story from the fairytale book in the living room before she eventually fell asleep in his lap. He picked her up and placed her on his chest and stomach for more cuddles, his hand stroking up and down her back soothingly, his lips finding her head for soft kisses on her hair. His comfortable position in the corner off the couch combined with Emilia's steady breathing and her warm little body on his own let his own tiredness break through and instead of fighting against it, he allowed himself to drift into slumber as well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Erin...what are you doing here?″ Natalie asked when she opened the door of her apartment, Erin standing in front of it with a bottle of wine and chocolate ice cream.

″I thought you could need someone to talk, some company...,″ Erin shrugged, giving her a faint smile.

″Did Will send you?″ she frowned.

″Nope, he has no idea that I'm here,″ Erin answered. ″This is just me offering my company because I've learned my lesson that in some situations it's better to lean on someone than dealing with everything on your own.″

Natalie looked at her for a second, a little smile tugging in the corners of her lips when her eyes fell to the things Erin was holding in her hands. ″Wine and chocolate ice cream?″

″With extra big chocolate chips. The ultimate combination,″ she winked.

″I guess I can't miss out on that,″ Natalie grinned but it wasn't the way the dark-haired woman usually smiled. ″Come in.″

Erin followed her inside and settled on the couch in the living room while Natalie looked for two glasses and spoons in the kitchen.

″Where's Owen?″ Erin asked when Natalie joined her, placing everything on the coffee table in front of them. It was only around seven and she'd expected the toddler to still be awake.

″He's sleeping already. We spent the whole day outside at the park and he was running around a lot so he was pretty beat after his bath and I tucked him in early. I guess I will regret that in the morning when he's up around 5,″ she laughed slightly, reaching for the bottle to open it and pouring the red liquid into the glasses.

″Oh, I bet he loved it that you had the day off,″ Erin grinned, taking one of the glasses and clinking it with Natalie's.

″I didn't exactly have the day off...″ Natalie said, sipping on her wine.

″You called in sick...,″ she noticed, Natalie's cheeks blushing a little.

″I swear it was the first time in my career that I did that,″ Natalie chuckled innocently.

″Hey, you don't have to justify that. We all did it at some point,″ Erin laughed.

″It was probably for the best,″ Natalie said pensively and as they fell into a moment of silence, Erin reached for the ice cream and the spoon, handing one of them to Nat so they could both dig in at the same time.

″Nothing better than chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips,″ Natalie said after the first spoon had found its way into her mouth.

″It's the best,″ Erin mumbled, her own mouth full with ice cream as well.

″By far,″ Natalie grinned. ″How's the married life though?″

″You know, other than this ring on my finger and my new last name regarding everything that has to do with our private life, it's not that different,″ Erin smirked. ″Is it supposed to be different?″

″No,″ Natalie laughed. ″Why should it? It's still the same life you live. The same routines, nothing really changed other than your name, the ring and that you can officially call him husband now. At least that's how Jeff and I saw it as well. In the end of the day it's a piece of paper that makes you husband and wife.″

″Well, I like to think that it's a little more romantic than that but yeah, you might be right, it comes down to a technicality,″ she laughed.

″Technicalities,″ Natalie sighed and from one moment to the other, she became all pensive and absent again. ″Is Will crashing with you guys?″ she asked quietly.

″Yeah,″ she confirmed. ″First one to use our guestroom.″

"So you have a full house now?" She tried to make it sound light but she failed.

"It's a big house, we still have space," Erin answered.

″How's he doing?″

″How do you think he's doing, Natalie?″ she asked back, her voice soft. ″His world crashed down in front of him and he couldn't do anything about it.″

″He told you,″ Natalie noticed, her voice just above a whisper, tears sparkling in her eyes.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded.

Natalie wiped her tears away with her hand and inhaled a deep breath. ″I've been telling Owen about his daddy every evening since the day he was born because I want Jeff to be a part of Owen's life somehow. I showed him pictures, told him stories, gave him some of Jeff's childhood toys, did everything that he grows up with his father being present as much as possible. And then Owen called Will daddy and something inside of me saw red,″ she told Erin and shook her head slightly. ″This moment I felt like I rob Jeff of his son. All I could suddenly see was Owen forgetting about his father and that's not fair to Jeff, to be forgotten by his own son. Replaced by another man. Like he never existed,″ she whispered towards the end, tears falling down her cheeks again.

″Oh Natalie,″ Erin said, pulling the brunette into an embrace. ″Don't you think Jeff would've wanted you to move on and to find a man who loves Owen like his own? A man that Owen loves and is a father-figure for him, who takes him to soccer games and helps him to land his first date and who is just simply there when he needs advice? Jeff will always be Owen's father and Owen will grow up knowing that, learn that once he's older and able to understand it. But right now, you're living with a man, who's there for Owen just as much as you are, so it's only natural that he's the closest thing Owen has to a dad,″ she said softly and Natalie pulled off to look at her. ″Back in June you told me you wanted you guys to be more of a family and I guess that is what you are now. Son, mother, _father_.″

″I know,″ Natalie said quietly. ″And ever since we moved in together in July it's been perfect. I just...maybe...I just pushed away the possibility that this could happen and thought we could make it work like this, as mom and Will.″

″The way I see it, Will gets up in the middle of the night when Owen's unsettled, right?″ Erin asked and Natalie nodded in response. ″He changes his diapers, plays with him, reads him stories, takes him to the playground, is fully involved?″ Once again Natalie nodded.

″Okay,″ Erin exhaled, asking quietly: ″Don't you think he deserves the title _daddy_ then?″

Natalie bit on her lips, trying to hold back the tears from falling as the realization kicked in. ″I'm such a horrible person.″

″No, you're not,″ Erin smiled faintly. ″You overreacted. That happens. You're only human.″

Again Natalie looked at her with tear-stained eyes. ″He's amazing with Owen,″ she sobbed. ″And I pushed him away in the most horrible way like I don't cherish everything he does for us. What if I ruined it all?″ she asked quietly.

″This guy loves you. I can't deny that he's not hurt because he is and you know that. He's hurt because as of right now he plays a different role in yours and Owen's life than he thought. Than he _wanted_. And whenever you're ready to talk with him, I'm sure he'll listen but you have to keep that in mind.″

Natalie nodded and exhaled a deep breath. ″I will. I will fix that.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Coming home and finding Jay and Emmy sleeping on the couch, both of their mouths slightly agape, Erin's heart almost exploded in her chest because this was still as adorable as it had been when Emmy was a newborn. She watched them for a minute and thought about Will's and Natalie's situation once more, hoping and wishing that her brother-in-law could soon experience those family vibes with his own little family again because it was simply _everything_ and when you once had it, it was impossible to live without it ever again...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I'll try my best to upload once a week now :)**


	71. Motherhood

**Thanks for all your feedback once again! :) This chapter, as well as the ones that follow, I wrote this summer, while I worked at a ranch in Canada and after long and hard days I would always end the day with lying in my cabin by the lake, retreating into my Linstead-world to scrawl all my ideas down. So I hope you enjoy the storyline that evolved there :)**

* * *

 **71\. Motherhood**

″Where are we going?″ Jay asked for what felt like the hundreth time within the last few minutes, just like an impatient child that constantly asked how much longer the drive was during a road trip. But in this case it wasn't bugging Erin at all, like it probably usually would, it amused her as she loved nothing more than teasing him. Especially since he's surprised her countless times during the last few months she enjoyed this kind of payback and surprising him for once even more.

″Babe, _you_ should know what the purpose of a surprise is,″ she chuckled, stopping at a red traffic light. She turned her head to him and smirked innocently and mischievously. Only a couple more hours and her husband, this perfect man with the freckles and the baby blue eyes, would be 33 years old. And as Will didn't have to work tonight, she'd made him the babysitter in charge for the evening, taking advantage that the doctor was crashing with them these days, so she and Jay could celebrate into his birthday as just the two of them, having a special date night that consisted of all the things Jay liked a lot.

″I do actually,″ he smirked back at her, just as innocent. ″Doesn't change the fact that I want to know where we're going though.″

″I'm afraid you have to be patient,″ she winked and leaned in to peck his lips quickly.

″Er, please,″ he pouted and his super adorable face was almost enough to tell him everything. Fortunately only almost.

″Stop that, right now,″ she laughed, covering his lips with her hand before looking to the traffic lights that turned green in this moment. ″You'll see soon enough,″ she grinned smugly, continuing to drive into the direction of their first event this evening, one she was sure would be a big hit because they haven't done that in forever.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay only realized where they were heading to when Erin parked the car in the parking garage of Wrigley Field, the stadium of the Chicago Cubs. They got out of the car and followed all the other fans who were dressed in blue and white towards the stadium, his eyes sparkling excitedly, this very same excitement growing the closer they came to the stadium, the singing of some fans accompanying them. They haven't been at any game together – Cubs, Bears, Hawks, Bulls – since before Emmy's birth, so attending the home game of the Cubs versus the St. Louis Cardinals was the perfect way to start his birthday celebrations and their first date night in quite a while.

″You're the best of the best,″ he murmured, his arm wrapped around her shoulder so he could pull he closer while they were walking. ″Have I ever told you that?″ he smiled and pressed a gushy kiss against her temple.

″Quite some times,″ Erin chuckled, remembering how she'd told him the same thing just a couple of weeks back. ″But I'll never get tired of hearing it.″

″You deserve to hear it every day,″ he winked.

″Do I?″ she laughed, raising an eyebrow at him. ″I'll remind you of that when you're pissed because I didn't clean the shower from my hair after showering or when you complain because I take your space of the cabinet in the bathroom.″

″You're still in a state of improvement regarding your mess but you've come a long way already,″ he smirked.

″One does what one can, right?″ she shrugged, his favorite smile with those dimples that could make his knees weak every damn time still plastered on her face. ″You want a shirt and a cap?″ she asked, motioning her head to the fan store.

″Will it be _my_ shirt or will it magically find a place in your side of the closet after tonight?″

″Would I ever...?″ she smirked innocently and shook her head.

″Noooo,″ he laughed dramatically, playing along with her. ″ _Never_.″

They went to the store and not only Jay got a new shirt of his favorite baseball club – one he would one day in the near future definitely find in Erin's dresser for sure - but also Erin as she bought one for herself, too, so they were dressed perfectly for the game. Equiped with beer and popcorn, they settled on their seats that provided a perfect view to see all the action and Jay smiled like a kid on Christmas Morning when he soaked the atmosphere in. It was easy to say that she's hit the bulls eye with her surprise so far.

The game turned out to be a real thriller, with suspense until the very last minute and an end all of the Chicago fans had hoped for. But regardless the result – the fact that the Cubs won of course contributing that their good mood even increased – they had a blast, this evening at Wrigley Field reminding them to the days of their friendship and the early days of their relationship, when they'd attended any kind of games fairly often. And they realized that no matter that they were married now and had a child, the banter and all those sparks from back then were still there, as strong and hot as ever, and they knew that they probably looked like a couple that has only recently started dating and was head over heals in love with the other.

″Where are we going next?″ Jay asked as soon as they'd left the parking garage behind and were driving towards downtown, not home towards the suburbs.

″You really think I tell you this time, huh?″ Erin smirked mischievously.

″Worth a try,″ he shrugged with a stupid grin on his lips.

″All I say is that I hope you're hungry for late-night dinner.″

″I'm starving, actually,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, I might have known that,″ Erin laughed, shaking her head slightly. Going out for dinner was always a big hit with her ever-hungry man, so no doubt that he would love their second destination of the evening respectively night just as much as the baseball game. Or maybe even more.

The Purple Pig was another of those places that provided quite some memories from the early days of their partnership, friendship and relationship, so this whole evening was kind of a trip down the memory lane back to where it had all begun. Whenever they'd bet about something, which had been fairly often, it had been about the looser buying the winner food and the Purple Pig had played a significant role in that as the food was definitely from another planet, just like the prices, but they'd had extreme fun with always letting the other pay after winning the bet, though of course it wasn't always as fancy as the Purple Pig and sometimes it was just lunch from Chipotle or breakfast from their favorite bakery. Nowadays, with many other obligations like paying back quite the mortgage, dinner at the Purple Pig has become a rarity but for special occasions it was still their favorite place to eat, Jay still going for the truffles. Some things simply never changed and Jay eating those delicacies was definitely one of them.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After sharing a dessert that was too good to be true, they ended their date night with a stroll through downtown and along the Riverwalk, the lights from the skyscrapers reflecting on the Chicago River, those familiar noises of the city turmoil like horns and sirens and squeezing wheels accompanying them while they walked along the river, their fingers intertwined. A chilly breeze signalised that fall was in the air and just around the corner by now, because no matter that most days were still sunny and warm, once the sun went down, it got chilly pretty fast and those long summer nights of sitting on the patio in just shorts and a shirt or strolling through the neighborhood without a jacket seemed to be gone for this year, the time to pull out the thick jackets and pullovers, the months of storms and wind and rain and cold and snow coming dangerously close already.

Thanks to the wind that they haven't been really prepared for, they ended their walk rather quick and returned home quite some time before midnight, the moment when his age would officially turn from 32 to 33 still a bit away.

″We could start watching one of those fantasy movies you like so much, drink a beer and just wait for the date to change,″ Erin suggested, hanging her light summer jacket on the coat rack.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay whispered into her ear from behind, his hot breath letting her shiver slightly. She prefered this kind of shivering over shivering due to the wind and cold in a heartbeat. ″Or,″ he whispered and kissed her neck slowly and absolutely teasingly and of course she knew where he wanted this to end, what he wanted to suggest, without him speaking it out loud. ″We could do something else...″

″Could we?″ she asked, turning around to him, her eyebrow raised coquettishly.

″Let me rephrase that,″ he smirked, bringing his lips as close to hers that she could almost taste them. ″We should do something else,″ he breathed out, closing the small gap between their lips to give her a lingering kiss.

″Yeah?″ she murmured into his mouth. ″What could that be?″

″You know...″ he smirked, licking over his lips and the taste her's have left on them. ″So far we haven't had a chance to christen the new couch. Which is a shame.″

″To christen the couch?″ she echoed.

″Yeah. You know, like we did with your last one,″ he winked, this absolutely adorable, dorky grin rushing over his face. ″Give it a test drive to check function and form. However you wanna call it.″

″You forgot that your brother's living in the room next door, huh?″ she chuckled, shaking her head slightly.

″The walls are thick,″ Jay answered casually, pressing another kiss on her lips.

″He could walk in any second because I doubt he's sleeping already,″ Erin said just as casual. Will, or anyone, being the witness of them losing themselves in each other on their brand new corner sofa was for sure the last thing she wanted.

″Then we should kick him out right now,″ he joked.

″Jay!″ she laughed and punched her fist onto his shoulder just before wrapping her hand around his neck to pull him closer and kiss him, her tongue delving into his mouth, exploring this familiar area.

″Take me to bed,″ she whispered in between burning hot kisses and he picked her up by her thighs in the same second these words had left her mouth, her legs wrapping around his waist, and carried her to upstairs to the master bedroom, the test drive for their couch not forgotten but postponed to another day, when they had their house all for themselves again and them playing scrabble in the living room wouldn't bother anyone.

In between round one and two of making love, the clock hands turned past midnight and in her semi-conscious state of mind, Erin murmured: ″Happy Birthday.″ She opened her eyes and turned her head to him only to find his ocean-blue ones staring at her with so much gratitude and love that it almost overwhelmed her and she pressed a lazy kiss against his lips, her hand moving up to his face to cover his cheek.

″Happy birthday, _husband_ ,″ she said again, her voice all raspy, and in this moment Jay was sure that no happy birthday has ever sounded better than this one, that in fact none of his birthdays has ever started better than this one, with the love of his life, his wife, lying in his arms while they were coming back from oblivion, while their breathing was slowly returning to a steady rhythm.

″I love you,″ she smiled at him, soaking in this pure happiness on his face that these three little words out of her mouth always put there. Nowadays she often wondered why she'd feared to say those words for such a long time when by now she could simply tell him all the time. When he was sleeping and his nose crinkled for whatever reason, when he was eating the food she made, playing with Emmy in the most adorable way, stroking their spoiled dog, complaining about her mess, stepping out of the shower with drops of water on his perfectly shaped torso. When he was trying to order his unruly hair in the mornings and of course when they were making love. She loved every damn side of this man, in whose arms she was lying, with all her heart and more and she wanted to tell him all the time how much he meant to her.

″I love you more,″ Jay grinned, giving her the standard answer to her love-confession. The one to give the I-love-you back would always add _more_ and it would always make them smile all bright.

″Not possible,″ she smirked and kissed his smiling lips again, slowly first and soon more intense as round two of their love-making was just around the corner.

33 felt pretty damn good so far.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Say happy birthday, daddy,″ Erin said when she walked into the bedroom on the following morning, carrying Emmy on her hip. ″Say happy birthday,″ she baby-talked, her voice all excited.

″Maybe next year, huh?″ Jay chuckled, bringing himself in a more upright position. When he'd woken up a couple of minutes ago, the other side of the bed had already been empty. Not exactly what he'd wanted to wake up to on his birthday but he was sure Erin had her reasons for getting up unusally early on a Sunday.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ she laughed. ″But you can do birthday cuddles, right Emmy?″

″Dadada,″ Emmy babbled and reached for him as if she'd understood every word.

″That's just as good as a happy birthday,″ Jay smiled proudly and took her from Erin's arms to let her sit on his stomach.

″Emilia Camille Halstead, you better get that mamama thing going as well,″ she chuckled and sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking Emmy's head. ″You can teach her for the next 30 minutes or so,″ she told her husband, poking her finger into his chest.

″Of course,″ he nodded deadpan but it didn't even take a second and a boyish smile tugged in the corners of his lips.

″Thanks,″ she grinned and leaned down to give him a short kiss. She would have loved nothing more than lying down next to her two favorites now to cuddle with them, but she needed to finish her surprise for Jay first and all those birthday cuddles would hopefully happen afterwards.

″You smell of cinnamon,″ he whispered, inhaling her scent that was so different than the usual raspberry-vanilla mix he loved so much to smell.

″You'll soon know why,″ she winked, gave him another kiss and Emilia one on the cheek and left the two of them alone.

″There she goes,″ Jay said, watching Erin walk out of their bedroom. ″What did mommy already do this morning? Do you know?″ he asked his daughter. ″Were you her partner in crime, bug?″ He lifted her up over his head and let her fly on his hands for a moment before bringing her down and settling her on his torso, her head tugged under his chin.

″You know Emmy,″ he said, his hand stroking up and down her back. ″One year ago you were so so so small in mommy's belly, kicking all the time and we didn't even know you were a girl,″ he told her, remembering exactly how they'd spent his previous birthday in Wisconsin, where Erin had arranged a surprise party with his whole family. Where he'd met Izzie and Nick for the first time in years and his family had finally been reunited. Where he'd recovered from a bomb going off in front of him though at this point the only reminders had been some twinging, pink scars on his thigh and his abdomen. Scars no one would see today, one year later, if they didn't know where they were.

He looked down at his daughter and then let his gaze wander around in their master bedroom, his eyes falling onto the photo on his bedside table. A photo of him and Erin on their wedding day, the lake and the setting sun behind them. Sometimes he couldn't believe how much has changed in just one year. From expecting a baby and only agreeing on moving in together, they've not only gone to being parents to the most adorable little girl. They also owned a house in the suburbs, a dog was a loved family member now as well and they were married. This was more than he could and would've dreamed of 365 days ago. Way more. And he couldn't help but wonder what the next 365 days would bring and what their life would look like another 365 days from now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Cinnamon rolls. That's what Erin had prepared in the early morning hours of Jay's birthday. From the moment he'd told her about the cinnamon rolls his mother always made back when they'd visited his dad for the first time, she'd known that she would want to surprise him with cinnamon rolls one day. But instead of asking for the recipe Jay surely had somewhere, she'd decided to use a recipe from the internet and make them all by herself so they were Erin-Halstead-cinnamon-rolls, not Diane-Halstead-ones. The effect kinda was the same though, Jay's eyes were sparkling suspiciously when he saw what she'd baked for him, that she'd remembered this very small detail about his childhood that he'd only mentioned once.

He didn't even have to lie when he told her that these were the best cinnamon rolls he's ever eaten, her cheeks blushing by this compliment. Erin told him that hers could never be as good as his mother's but he just smiled at her, telling her that probably not all the incredients alone made them that good but also all the love she'd made them with.

Before the stressful part of the day started they even had time to go back to bed for some family morning cuddles but soon enough they found themselves in the kitchen, preparing all the stuff they would need for their big barbeque that was not only Jay's birthday party but also a housewarming party and a thank you for all the help they'd gotten when they moved here. Getting everything done in time without any accidents and taking care of their very agile and very attention demanding 7-and-a-half-month-old was quite the challenge and they both were more than glad when Will came back early from his shift at Med, telling them that this must be the slowest day in the hospital's history. With uncle Will keeping Emilia entertained, they were literally able to double their speed and by the time their first guests arrived around 4pm everything was done, the weather even allowing them to celebrate on the patio and in the garden.

What followed was an afternoon and evening of showing their house of dreams to all of their friends and family now that every room except Emmy's play room looked how they wanted it to look, of celebrating Jay's 33rd, of drinking beer, wine and soda and eating steaks, hamburgers, salads and Erin's cinnamon rolls and damn delicious banana cake with a special vanilla icing, _Happy Birthday Jay_ written on top of it with chocolate. Jokes and stories were told and laughters shared, most of them when the boys told Jay about his present - a two-day trip with motorcycles wherever Jay wanted to go on the next possible free weekend somewhen between now and the end of October – and Erin complained why this was a 'men-only-trip' and she wasn't invited as well as she was basically one of the boys workwise, Antonio answering casually that otherwise Jay would never get to drive. Which was quite possibly pretty damn true. Not that she would admit this. Basically they all knew anyway that Antonio's explanation wasn't that far away from the truth.

Regardless that they all had to work on the following day, everyone except Justin, Olive and their kids stayed almost until midnight as they all enjoyed the calm backyard-atmosphere in the suburbs, some lanterns in the garden given them light, the table full with candles and never-empty glasses of wine or bottles of beer. They all left somewhat reluctantly and only because their phones reminded them that they had to get up in a little more than six hours and after bringing all the dishes in, when they said goodbye, thanking them for everything and telling them what a great afternoon and evening it had been, they didn't hold back with asking when the next BBQ would take place, which was hopefully before the winter, and what kind of dishes they should bring so Erin and Jay didn't have to do all the work. It was safe to say that next to the Voight-BBQ's Halstead-BBQ's were a thing now as well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The days got shorter, the sunlight disappearing earlier day by day and the leaves on the trees started to change their colors, from green to yellow, red and brown, the sunflowers in their garden losing their petals and after using the weekend after Jay's birthday for the motorcycle-trip right away, Jay found himself at home on a Friday night by the end of September while Erin was working late for the first time. The other Fridays she'd worked so far, she always returned home no later than 8pm but today she'd sent him a text that one of Al's CI's had given them a relevant tip about their current case and now they were preparing for a bust later that night, when the darkness would give them some extra security.

It was her first bust without him ever since they've been parents. Knowing her pretty well, Jay was sure she was both, excited and nervous. Excited because it was her first late night operation in more than a year. Nervous because it was her first late operation in more than a year _and_ he wasn't with her to have her back. He sure as hell was nervous as well, being at home and knowing that his wife was doing the dangerous stuff tonight, probably dealing with some of the biggest drug dealers that Chicago had to offer at the moment. Now he could vaguely imagine how she must've been feeling every time he called or texted her to tell her that he would come home late because they had to do whatever dangerous stuff it required to solve the case and bring justice to the streets of the city they loved and called home. And while for him this 'knowing that your partner is out there chasing some gangsters', this 'waiting for a call or a text that everything is fine and staying awake until she is back home' was something that probably didn't happen more often than once or twice a month, this was what Erin had to face once or twice a week, sometimes even more often than that. Now he could understand why he would always find her on the couch, sometimes still awake with some late night show entertaining her, sometimes crumbled into a ball and already sleeping deeply, because he wouldn't go to bed before she was home either.

And as Will had moved back to Natalie's place just two days back, the two of them fortunately solving their problems quite quick and continuing to live their together life as a real family, and with Emmy already sleeping in her room upstairs, the only company he had were Crispin, a bottle of beer and some game running on the 65-inch flatscreen in his man cave. For sure not the worst Friday night, though watching the game with his brother or friends or even better, with Erin while they would eat the lasagna he'd prepared for dinner today would of course be the kind of Friday night he preferred.

It was around 10pm, the Cubs game in its last inning, when Erin called him to tell him that they were on their way back to the precinct, their bust not having been as effective as they'd hoped as they had only been able to arrest two suspects that were now brought in by Hank and Antonio in their cars.

″Does this mean I have to work tomorrow?″ Jay asked her, not being able to hide a sigh. He'd really hoped that this bust would tie all lose ends of their case up so they could have their weekend all for themselves and not with Erin and Emilia at home while he was in the 21st.

″Could be,″ Erin answered. In fact, chances were pretty high that he would spend the day in the bullpen, working overtime on a Saturday because the case required the unit to be there this weekend. ″We'll see what we get from them now but I'm sure they're not the head of the snake.″

″Most probably not,″ he agreed, knowing very well that this case was a tricky one and two perps were by far not all of this crew. ″But hey, on to the important things: how was the late night bust in general?″

″Uhm...all sorts of exciting and amazing,″ she chuckled and only imagining how her eyes sparkled right now made him smile.

″Of course it was amazing, she had the most amazing partner after all,″ Adam suddenly said, thanks to the free-hands device being able to listen to every word of their conversation.

″Shut it, Ruze,″ Erin laughed, adding: ″But I guess he was kinda okay.″

″Kinda okay?″ Adam echoed.

″Take it, Adam. This is as much of a compliment as you will get,″ Jay chuckled.

″Exactly,″ Erin agreed and only from her voice Jay could tell that she was smirking. With dimples and all. ″So I guess it'll take at least two more hours until I'm home so you can go to b-,″ she said but then stopped suddenly. He could hear their radios talking in the background and figured that this was the reason for the abrupt silence. ″Hold on for a second.″

He tried to understand what was happening and what they were told via their radios but he couldn't understand the tiniest bit as there were too many other background noises and the voice wasn't clear and loud enough.

″Apparently there have shots been fired in Pilsen,″ she informed him some seconds later while Adam was answering something into the radio. ″We're like three minutes out and don't have any suspects in the car, so we'll go and check it out.″

″Alright,″ Jay answered, the knots in his stomach tightening a little. A shooting in Pilsen in the middle of the night and as it seemed right now, Erin and Adam being the only cops there, at least until some patrol units arrived. ″Be safe.″

″Will be,″ Erin said, an unspoken I-love-you in the air, and the next thing he heard before she hung up was how she started the sirens.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The rain was pouring down like heaven has opened up all gates, the Windy City doing its name justice in addition, when Erin slammed on the breaks of the 300 as they arrived at the adress where the shots had been reported by some neighbors, those very same neighbors looking out of their windows and telling them from which apartment of the quite shabby apartment building they'd heard the shots only around five minutes ago.

″I think it was in number 110, right across from my apartment,″ an older woman said, fear written across her face.

″Thanks ma'am,″ Erin said. ″Please close your window and stay inside.″

With their guns at arm's length, ready to be fired any second, they made their way through the staircase to apartment 110. There was a chance that the shooter was still around, probably hiding somewhere in the staircase or in the apartment itself but chances were much higher that he'd used those five minutes to flee and was now in the wind already.

″Chicago PD!″ Adam yelled just before he busted through the door and into apartment 110, Erin following close behind. They cleared the small hallway and the bathroom on the right, nothing to be seen so far.

″Clear!″ Adam yelled from what seemed to be a mix of a living room and bedroom.

Erin wished she could say the same. ″Body!″ she yelled back from the kitchen, looking down at the young boy that was probably not older than16 and that was lying in a puddle of his own blood, his eyes wide open, one gunshot wound to the head and one to the chest.

″Clear,″ Adam called from the last room of the small apartment and joined her in the kitchen where she was already kneeling besides the victim, calling the crime in and demanding backup.

″He's just a kid,″ Erin said to her partner, her voice somewhat hoarse and she wasn't able to turn her head away from the blonde boy with the dead, blue eyes. ″Looks like they shot him in the chest and when he was already lying on the ground, they shot him in the head, execution style.″

″Gang crime?″ Adam asked.

″Probably,″ she sighed.

″How old is he even? 15?″ he asked, shaking his head.

″Yeah, something around that,″ Erin confirmed.

″Which gang shoots a 15 year old white boy in his home? And where are the parents?″

″That's what we're going to find out I guess,″ she said, both of their heads spinning around in that very same second as they heard a noise, something like a crack, from the room Adam had cleared two minutes ago.

″I thought you cleared that room?!″ Erin whispered, her heartbeat picking up its pace as she shot her partner a glare that could easily put him six feet under, her hand reaching for the gun in the holster on her belt in the same moment she jumped up from the floor.

″I did,″ Adam said, his hand firming around his gun already as well.

With their guns in front of them they went back to the bedroom, expecting to find the shooter hidden somewhere in this small room that consisted of a wardrobe, a dresser and two beds, one of them a children's bed that was definitely not made for a 15-year-old but rather for a much smaller child. They checked the wardrobe but didn't find anything other than some clothes which left the only place where someone could hide the space under the bigger of the two beds. Even before they could check that one out, a silent sob from this exact place under the bed startled them shortly and putting two and two together, the cry and the children's bed, Erin knew that they wouldn't find the shooter under the bed.

″Chicago PD!″ Adam called, obviously not being able to identify this cry as a scared child's cry.

″Adam,″ Erin said, putting her gun back in her holster. ″There's no need for this,″ she said, motioning her head to his gun. She got down on her knees, almost lay down on the floor herself when she tried to catch a glimpse, the light of her flashlight finding the face of a little boy, probably around four years old, his eyes wide and scared, tears running down his face, his little body shaking.

″Hey buddy,″ Erin said, her voice all calm and soothing. ″My name is Erin Lindsay and I'm with the Chicago Police Department.″ Sometimes it still felt weird that she had two different names, was Erin Lindsay when she was working and Erin Halstead anytime else. ″Do you want to tell me your name?″ she asked.

The little boy stared at her with those eyes full of fear and tears and then shook his head slightly.

″Okay, that's fine bud. Just so you know, me and my colleague Adam are here now and we'll take care that nothing bad happens to you,″ Erin said, getting a little closer to the traumatized boy who immediately backed away and tried to get even deeper into the corner. ″Can you maybe do me a favor and come out from there?″

Once again the boy only stared and his lips stayed motionless, his head shaking in the slightest way.

″Okaaaay,″ Erin breathed out, for a second contemplaiting the options she had. She didn't want to traumatize the boy any further by simply crawling to him and pulling him with her. He'd probably witnessed a crime tonight, probably saw a dead family member, so what he needed was time. Time to calm down, time to learn that he could trust her. And it was on her to calm him down and to earn his trust.

″So you don't want to come out and I guess you don't want me to join you either, right?″ she asked, hoping that her voice was as comforting for the boy as she wanted and he needed it to be.

He didn't take his eyes away from her for a single second but this time, instead of shaking his head, he nodded slowly which was one of many steps into the right direction. Hopefully. Because right now he had walls up as huge as her own had once been.

Erin gazed around under the bed, found some pillows and blankets and toys and books spreaded around everywhere. ″When I was a kid, I didn't want anyone in my fort as well,″ she said. ″I mean, this is your fort, right?″

This time the nod came faster and not as reluctant anymore and she didn't know whether it was the flashlight but it seemed like his face lightened up a bit.

″I used to build forts under my bed as well when I was a child,″ she told him, revealing a piece of her childhood that she probably hasn't told anyone so far. ″I always had some toys and books with me and I could just forget the world around me and be in my own world for a while. It was always like my safe place. Where I was protected from all the bad things. But your fort is so much cooler and bigger, I'm kinda jealous right now that I never had one like this,″ she said, giving the boy a smile. He didn't give her one back but at least he listened to her attentively, seemed to soak her words in.

″You know, I would really like to see all of your fort so I can one day build one like this with my daughter. Am I allowed to come just a little closer so I can take a look?″ she asked.

Though the intense look on his face stayed the same, he nodded his head, allowing Erin to make this next little step. Carefully she crawled further under the bed, still leaving some distance between her and the boy so she wouldn't scare him. One step after the other.

″This is absolutely amazing,″ she smiled at him. ″This might be the best fort in Chicago.″

″Did you see the stars?″ the boy asked much to her surprise, his voice nothing more than a whisper and he rolled over onto his side, pointing to some stars that were glued onto the downside of the bed. Erin turned her head a little so she could see them as well because she wasn't able to turn around completely and would probably have a stiff neck on the following day anyway thanks to her current position.

″They are glowing in the dark,″ he added just as silent.

″They do?″ Erin asked. ″I wanna see that,″ she smiled and turned her flashlight off.

″See, they're glowing!″ the boy said, his voice louder and a little more excited.

″Wow, this is awesome,″ Erin answered, her brain trying to find a way to keep the boy talking. ″I didn't have something like that when I was a child. But I liked it anyway because I could hide when my mom and one of her boyfriends were fighting. Or when any other bad things happened. I always felt safe in my fort.″

″Me too,″ he admitted, his answer being enough for Erin to know that he'd witnessed something earlier no child should ever have to witness. Whether it was the murder itself or just hearing the shots or seeing the dead body she didn't know but seeing the boy getting more uneasy again, she figured that it was too early to dug deeper and ask for more details.

″You know, now that I've seen your fort, I'll tell my daughter about it tomorrow. But I don't know what I should tell her: does the greatest fort in Chicago belong to Cayden or to Ben or to Paul or to Evan? I guess I just have to make something up here and can't give you the credit you deserve,″ she shrugged and made an attempt to crawl away, praying inwardly that this little trick would do it.

And it did.

″Luke,″ he said quickly. ″It's Luke's fort.″

″Luke,″ Erin echoed. ″Nice to meet you, Luke, master of the fort.″

″Master of the fort,″ he whispered proudly and for the first time a smile rushed over his face.

″That's what you are, right?″ Erin winked. ″But sometimes even the master has to leave its fort to take care of some very important things. So maybe we can leave your fort together so you can help me with something very important?″

″No,″ he said, shaking his head vehement, the smile leaving his face again. ″It's not safe outside.″

″I promise you that I'll keep you safe and that nothing will happen to you. There's nothing you have to be afraid of and I'll be there to protect you. Come on, buddy,″ Erin said, her voice ever so soft, offering her hand to the boy slowly, desperately hoping that he wouldn't back away again.

She had no idea whether it was her soft, soothing voice or her words or the fact that he already trusted her a bit or a mix of all of them but he reached for the hand she offered him.

Erin embraced his tiny, cold hand and gave it a little squeeze before she started to crawl back while pulling Luke, who was still reluctant, with her. As soon as they were out, she helped him on his feet but when he saw Adam, who'd turned the light on in the meantime, standing in the room, he automatically hid behind her legs.

″It's fine Luke. That's my friend Adam and he's a really nice guy,″ she said and knelt down so she was eye-to-eye with him. Only now she saw that his Spiderman-pajama was wet, the blonde boy with the grey eyes obviously not having been able to control his bladder due to being as scared as never before.

″How about we look for a new pajama for you while Adam goes outside and talks to some of our colleagues?″

″Mhm,″ he mumbled and nodded.

″Alright,″ she said, motioning her head to Adam to signalise him that he could leave the room and inform all the other cops that should be here any second, the sirens already hearable in the distance.

″Hell of a job, partner,″ Adam said truly impressed before he left, giving her an appreciative nod and a small smile.

In the third dresser, she found a monstertruck-pajama and she helped Luke to slip into it after undressing the old one that she put beside neatly so Forensics could put it into one of their plastic bags later just to be sure.

″Do we wanna play a game? I ask you a question and then you can ask me one,″ she suggested after pulling the top piece over his head and ordered his unruly blonde, wavy hair.

″Okay,″ Luke agreed and climbed onto his bed, Erin sitting down next to him.

″How old are you?″ she asked, deciding that she had to start slow.

″Almost five,″ he said, showing her five of his fingers. ″My birthday's on Halloween.″

″That's some cool day to have a birthday,″ she smiled.

″Yaaah,″ he smiled back.

″So now it would be your turn to ask me something.″

″Uuuuhm...how old are you?″

″32.″

″32?″ Luke echoed, trying to count 32 with his fingers. ″That's old.″

 _Well thank you,_ Erin thought. ″Just a liiiiiittle older than you, bud,″ she winked, showing him the small margin with her fingers. ″Where's your mommy and daddy tonight?″

″I don't have a daddy and mommy is working. The whole weekend,″ he answered like it was the most normal thing in the world. And probably for him it was.

″Who's taking care of you this weekend?″ Erin frowned.

″Ey, it's my turn,″ Luke giggled and for the first time he seemed like a normal, goofy 4-year old.

″Oh yeah, right,″ Erin sighed. Although she just wanted to forget about the game right now and find out what was going on here, she had to keep playing the game if that was the way to keep Luke talking and earn more of his trust.

″Where are your parents tonight?″ he repeated her question.

″I don't have a mom anymore and my dad is working,″ she answered quickly. ″Luke, who's taking care of you this weekend?″ she asked again and though she didn't have all the pieces, she had a pretty good idea. One that she hoped the little boy wouldn't confirm.

″Ty.″

″Who's Ty?″

″Tyler. He's my mommy's brother,″ he explained.

″Do you all live here together?″

″Yes,″ Luke confirmed. ″It's me and mom and Tyler. The Three Musketeers.″

″Does Tyler still go to school?″ Erin asked, hoping inwardly that he would tell her no and his uncle wasn't the dead boy outside but rather some older man who'd left him alone for whatever reason.

″Yes. But he doesn't like it.″

″Okay,″ Erin breathed out. ″I think we have to call your mom, buddy.″

″We can't. We can't call her when she's working the whole weekend. We have to wait until she's back on Sunday.″ Once again he said it ever so casual like he was more than used to this circumstance and Erin had a slight suspicion that whatever his mother was working wasn't exactly legal.

″Then we have to take a ride,″ she said, got up and reached for his hand. ″Come on.″

″No,″ Luke said quietly. ″It's dangerous there,″ he added and pointed to the door of his room.

″Did you see or hear anything earlier?″ Erin asked carefully.

At first, he only nodded his head, tears looming in his eyes, his lips trembling. ″There...there were two really loud noises and they really scared me.″

″But you didn't see anything?″

He shook his head no, Erin letting out a breath of relief. ″I crawled into my fort to hide.″

″It was really good that you did this, Luke,″ Erin said, giving him a weak smile, her hand stroking over his cheek. ″But we need to get out there now anyway and I promise you that you're safe. Because I'm with you. Anything or anyone that tries to scare you again first has to scare me, okay?″

″You promise?″

″I promise,″ she nodded. ″How about I carry you out and you hide your head on my shoulder?″

″Okay.″

″Good, then let's do it like this.″

Looking for some socks in the closet, Erin also found a pair of shoes and a jacket and she helped him to put it all on. She put some more clothes into a bag and then scooped him up into her arms, went to his bed, grabbed the cozy blanket that lay on top and asked him for his favorite stuffy that turned out to be Pluto from Mickey Mouse. Fortunately, they didn't have to go through the kitchen on their way out but Erin preferred him to hide his head against her shoulder anyway so he didn't see all the other cops invading the place that was his home.

Reaching the car, he suddenly lifted his head. ″Erin?″ he asked her with tired eyes and she was honestly surprised that he remembered her name. ″Where's Ty?″

″Uhm...he just...can't take care of you right now,″ she lied. He's been through enough already tonight and he didn't have to learn about the death of his uncle now as well, that there were only two of the three Musketeers left.

″Will you?″ he asked.

″What?″ she asked back, putting him down on the backseat. They didn't have a car seat for him in the 300 naturally, but for once she would give the steering wheel to Adam so she could sit right beside Luke and make sure that he was safe.

″Take care of me,″ he whispered.

Without hesitating and thinking about it any further she nodded her head and said: ″Of course.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

By the time they arrived at the 21st, Luke was sleeping and as soon as they were up in the bullpen, that was unusally busy with the unit suddenly having two cases to take care of, Erin tucked him in on the couch in the break room.

″How's the kid?″ Hank asked as she closed the door behind her.

″Pretty shaken but more or less okay,″ she answered, running her hand through her hair and glancing at the sleeping boy.

″He's more or less okay thanks to you, Erin,″ Adam winked. ″Seriously boss, she was amazing with him.″

″I can imagine,″ Hank nodded. Ever since being a mother, Erin was even better with kids than before although she'd been the best to really get through to them before as well. ″Where's the mom?″

″We don't know right now,″ Erin said, biting her lower lip because things were about to get a little difficult now. ″But we'll find out. The mom's brother, our victim Tyler Jackson, was supposed to take care of him.″

″So she left her minor son alone with her minor brother for the whole weekend?″ Hank asked, his voice rising a little.

″Not the first mom who did that,″ Erin shrugged and she had no idea why these words had left her mouth at all and why she was defending a woman who she didn't know and who'd left her 4-year-old son alone with a 15-year-old boy that was likely connected with a gang.

Hank gave her this look she knew too well and only he out of all people would give her but didn't say anything about it. ″You called DCFS already?″

″No,″ she answered shortly, almost snappishly like she was challenging him and out of nowhere the air around them was unbelievably thick.

″Erin, I have two suspects of a drug ring downstairs in the cage that sell dope that kills kids all over Chicago. That's what I have to take care of right now, so please go and call DCFS,″ Hank said and for the first time in months his voice was strict, him being the Sergeant and her only the Detective that worked in his unit.

″No,″ she said again, her voice just as strict, her eyes never leaving his. ″It's almost midnight and I'm not putting him into the system tonight. I don't leave him with a foster family he doesn't know and trust after everything he went through.″

″So what's your genius plan then?″ Hank asked although he already knew the answer.

″I'm taking him home with me,″ she breathed out, telling him about this decision she'd made in the moment Luke had asked her whether she would take care of him.

″You know as good as I that you can't do that, Erin. This has to go through DCFS. I know these cases are hard and motherhood probably made you a little more emotional over it than before but these are the rules. He has to be placed with child services.″

″Yeah, screw the rules,″ she snapped, the sudden fire in her eyes threatening to burn down the bullpen. This boy would not be taken away from child services tonight, no matter what because right now she was sure that she was about the only person who could give him the comfort he needed, who was able to understand the demons he would probably have to deal with during the night. And she'd made a promise. ″And if it's _motherhood's_ fault that I care for a boy that witnessed a crime tonight, if it's _motherhood's_ fault that I don't want him to get any more traumatized by giving him to new people again, if it's _motherhood's_ fault that I know what's best for him, so be it. At least I can sleep well tonight because I don't have to wonder how he's doing and whether he feels safe. So I take him home with me now and then we'll figure something out tomorrow and maybe we find his mother and he doesn't have to be put with a foster family at all.″

This time Hank didn't say anything against it, just kept on staring her in the eyes and his features seemed to soften a little. ″You'll try to find the mother first thing in the morning.″

″I'll be here tomorrow and maybe I can get more information about her from Luke,″ she nodded.

″Okay, then you're off the clock now. Go home and get him to bed,″ Hank said, motioning his head to the boy before turning around to go back downstairs to the cage.

″You sure you wanna do this?″ Adam asked now that he was finally able to breathe again instead of trying to be invisible.

″Absolutely.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The noise of the key turning in the lock jolted Jay awake from his slumber. As a former soldier it usually didn't need much for him to wake up. He yawned and rubbed his sleepy eyes so he could open them a little more and reached for his phone that lay on the couch besides him. 12.41am. In case he really had to work on the following day, it would definitely be a short night. Again.

He got up from the couch and shuffled to the hallway, ready to kiss Erin and go upstairs with her so they could fall asleep all snuggled up to each other after a day of not having spent a lot of time with each other. Halfway through their huge living- and dining room with the open kitchen she came walking towards him and for a moment he was sure that his tired eyes were playing tricks on him because his wife was carrying a child that was definitely not Emilia, a cozy blanket losely wrapped around it to keep it warm, Erin holding a stuffy in her hand as well.

″Uhm...hey,″ he said, confusion written all over his face, his eyes scanning the blonde boy that slept against her shoulder.

″Hey,″ she smiled weakly, tiredly and maybe kind of nervously.

″Who's that?″ he asked instantly, this question literally burning on his tongue.

″Well...″ Erin sighed, glancing at the boy and then back to him. ″That's Luke...″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked and enjoyed it! :) Please leave a review and let me know what you think, your feedback always makes my days so much better!**


	72. Ask Me No Questions, I Tell You No Lies

**Thank you for all your feedback on my last chapter! I hope you like and enjoy this one :)**

* * *

 **72\. Ask Me No Questions, I Tell You No Lies**

For the first time in a while Erin had no idea how to interpret Jay's gaze, had no idea what was going on inside of him, couldn't read his mind like she sometimes could as they were standing in the dimmed light of their dining room, Luke sleeping in her arms and she had the feeling that the atmosphere was somehow tense. His facial expression was a mix of confusion, shock and being perplex and speechless and she sensed that it probably would've been better to inform him about this circumstance before coming home with a sleeping child and telling him that they would take care of him for the next day. Or two.

″You remember when you brought Crispin home because he was traumatized and needed a safe place?″ she asked rhetorically, the situation now being basically the same, only that he'd brought home a four-legged kiddo and she a two-legged one. ″Because this is kind of a Crispin-situation,″ she explained, smiling nervously.

A weak smile rushed over Jay's face by her choice of words, by calling this a Crispin-situation. Now he could vaguely imagine what had happened but no matter the story behind it, he was sure that Erin's had her reasons to bring the boy home. ″Why don't we tuck him in in the guest room and you explain then?″ he asked, his hand finding her neck as he pressed a kiss on the side of her head.

″Yeah, I think my arms would appreciate that,″ Erin said and let Jay guide her to the guestroom. They undressed Luke's shoes and jacket carefully and tucked him in, covering him with his own blanket and an extra one, placed his stuffy close by and used some pillows to make the queen-sized bed a little safer so he wouldn't fall out even if he was tossing and turning.

Before they left the room, Erin stroked his cheek lovingly and closing the door behind them, she immediately turned her gaze to Jay and said quietly: ″I'm sorry that I took you by surprise and didn't inform you before.″

″There's no need to apologize,″ he smiled tiredly.

″I saw the look on your face when I came in and I should-″

″Hey babe,″ he said, his thumb stroking over her lip soothingly. ″It's fine. I was just shocked because I didn't expect that at all. But I'm sure you did it for the right reasons,″ he said, his hand traveling up to cup her cheek, his lips finding her forehead. ″How about you eat some of the lasagna I prepared and tell me the whole story?″

″Lasagna at 1am?″ she chuckled. ″Well, isn't that healthy?″

″I know you can't say no to my lasagna, no matter the time,″ he winked.

″You could be right about that,″ Erin laughed and took his hand so he could pull her to the kitchen with him.

After heating up Jay's homemade lasagna in the microwave, they settled on the bar stools in the kitchen, Erin digging into the Italian dish while telling Jay the whole story about what had happened ever since she'd ended the call and had shown up in their house more than three hours later with a four-year-old boy.

Though it was nothing new to him that Erin was simply amazing with kids, he was truly impressed about how she'd gotten through to him and after hearing the whole story, from how she'd earned his trust to how he'd asked her who would take care of him, he could understand her decision even more. This was Erin. The woman he loved more than life itself. The woman that had more empathy for others than anyone else he knew. The woman that was apart from that the most amazing mother and he knew that those maternal instincts had probably played a significant role in the choice she'd made tonight as well.

In addition, she told him that ever since the case with Teddy she was still having trouble with giving a child to DCFS and although they'd caught the head of the snake back then, the only person within the department she really trusted was Clara, who wouldn't be back in the office before Monday.

″So right now we have no idea where the mother is?″ Jay summarized in the end after she'd told him everything, even her discussion with Hank, coming to the conclusion that if they didn't find the mother tomorrow, Luke would stay with them until Monday because this was the earliest Erin would be able to reach out to Clara – even though Erin has only been talking about this one night Luke would stay with them so far. He knew his woman and he knew she would find a way to keep Luke with them until Monday and would under no circumstances place him with Child Serives earlier.

″No,″ Erin confirmed. ″We have her phone number and Mouse already tried to ping her phone just before I left but it's either turned off or in flight mode. Seems like Luke was right when he told me we can't reach her until she's back,″ she sighed.

″Which mother is unreachable for three days although she has a small child and a minor brother at home? I mean, anything can happen anytime, so why would someone even do that?″

″I don't know,″ Erin shrugged, her voice kinda defeated because deep down inside she had the feeling that this case wasn't going to end well for Luke and that no matter how hard she tried to tell herself that the mother could explain it all, she actually knew that it would end with calling DCFS anyway, would end with a child being seperated from his mother. ″But I'll find out I guess,″ she sighed and got up from her stool in one fast move, ready to hit the cushions.

″Heeeyy,″ Jay said, holding her by her arm while getting up himself and as soon as he stood in front of her, he pulled her closer to his body and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame.

″I know this is a tough one for you,″ he mumbled into her hair. Cases with kids have always been hard for her, even harder since being a mother. And especially those with abandoned ones were probably still waking up some demons from her past, demons that were deep down inside but sometimes still coming up when situations were similar to her childhood and hit therefore close to home. ″But I'll be there and _we_ will find out together what's going on here.″

Even though Erin knew that Jay was always there for her, that he would always have her back, it felt good to hear him saying that they were in this together. ″Thank you,″ she murmured against his chest, snuggling into his embrace even more and just letting those strong arms and the rhythmic beating of his heart giving her the safety and comfort she needed right now.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The night turned out to be one of the most sleepless ones since Emilia had been a newborn, their 8-month-old not being the main reason for it. Just as expected, Luke had nightmares for the better part of the remaining night and at some point Erin stayed downstairs on the couch so she could be with him faster in case he started to cry and scream again. In the early morning hours around 5.30am, just when she'd fallen back into slumber on the couch, Emilia decided that her night was over and no matter that Erin was sleeping downstairs, she of course woke up from her daughter's crying.

″I feel like a zombie,″ Jay yawned when he came down the stairs and into the living room, Emmy carrying on his hip and Crispin following on his heels.

″Yeah, I join that club,″ Erin yawned as well but looking at her daughter she could only smile. ″I guess you're the only one that's well rested, huh monkey?″ she asked and left her bed on the couch to kiss her husband and daughter good morning. ″Come here,″ she said and took her from Jay's arms into her own.

″Hey sweet girl,″ she whispered and kissed Emmy's brown-blonde hair. ″I missed you yesterday.″

″She missed you as well,″ Jay smirked, this picture of Erin and Emmy cuddling in front of him letting his heart flutter. ″She said mamama all the time,″ he said, suddenly remembering what he'd wanted to tell her last night but has completely forgotten due to her showing up with Luke. ″I even made a video, wait a second.″

He went to the kitchen to grab his phone from the place where he charged it every night, Crispin following him with the hope to get an early breakfast but then staying by his empty bowls to signalise them that in his opinion it was definitely time for breakfast when Jay went back to join Erin and Emmy again.

″Here you go,″ he said and pressed play to show her the video how Emmy tried to pull herself up on their coffee table, Jay sitting close by and encouraging her and then helping her in the end so she could stand on her own feet. She held herself on the coffee table, Jay giving her some extra stabilization with the one hand he didn't hold the phone with. ″Emmy, I'm making a video for mommy. You wanna say hi mommy? Say hi mommy,″ Jay baby-talked and Emmy looked at him with her bright blue eyes and adorable smile and then babbled: ″Mamama.″ Jay cheered and said: ″You got it girl,″ and then turned the camera around to film his own face, a goofy grin covering his features when he said: ″See what I just taught her?″

″You're such a dork,″ Erin giggled once the screen turned black. ″Thanks for this,″ she smirked and gave him a light kiss but their little moment was interrupted aprubtly when Luke started to cry and scream for what felt like the 10th time in the last 4 hours.

″Give her to me,″ Jay said and took Emmy back into his arms, following Erin towards the guest room but waiting outside because Luke hasn't met him so far and he didn't want to scare him, Crispin now being with him again, probably confused where this unfamiliar cry was coming from.

″Stay here bud,″ Jay whispered when Crispin tried to get into the room, holding him back by his blue plaid bandana.

″Hey Luke,″ Erin said inside the room, her hand stroking over his head. ″Everything is fine and you're safe and you can get back to sleep. I'm here to protect you and so is Pluto,″ she said and showed him his stuffy that he instantly reached for to cuddle it. ″Nothing will happen to you and you don't have to be scared of anything, okay?″

Luke looked at her with tired, tear-stained eyes and nodded slowly.

″Close your eyes and breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...″ she told him, her hand traveling to his back to rub soothing circles onto it and different to last time, when he'd needed quite some time to settle, he fell asleep quickly, his breathing deep and easy within a few minutes.

When she opened the door, Crispin sneaked in before she could do anything about it and for the first time since they've had him, he did something he knew he was absolutely not allowed to do. He jumped on the bed and lay down by Luke's feet.

″Crispin, out!″ Erin whispered strictly, her finger pointing to the door, but the black-and-white dog only looked at her with his big, lovely eyes, his ears all attentive and his face sweet and innocent in general.

″Er,″ Jay said and put his hand on her arm so she would lower it because he had a pretty good idea why Crispin was doing this. Even though Crispin was the most amazing dog already, he never failed to amaze him even more. ″Let him.″

For a second Erin looked at him like he was out of his mind that he allowed the dog to lie in the bed now as well but then she suddenly understood why Jay made an exception this time.

″You mean he can help him to sleep?″ she asked.

″Maybe. Sometimes animals can do unbelievable things. So we should just let Crispin do his thing and see what happens,″ he suggested.

″As long as our four-legged rascal knows that this bed-deal today is an exception,″ she answered, chuckling slightly, and closed the door behind them.

″He knows,″ Jay grinned. ″And now on to the important stuff: what do you want for breakfast?″

″It's not even 6am and I had a plate full of lasagna less than five hours ago,″ she grimaced, her statement and facial expression telling him that she wasn't the tiniest bit hungry.

″Well Emmy, looks like daddy will get two breakfasts today. One now and the second later when mommy has her first. Isn't that awesome?″ he laughed, Emmy, as always, giggling along with him.

″Sometimes I really wonder where you put all that food,″ she chuckled, roaming his body with her eyes, her hand stroking over his chest and then resting on his stomach with all those muscles underneath the shirt he'd just slipped into after getting up.

″Jealous?″ Jay asked back, raising his eyebrows playfully.

She formed the hand that rested on his stomach into a fist and punched him softly. ″You wish.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After only having granola with joghurt for the first breakfast, Jay found himself back in the kitchen a little more than two hours later to make apple crisp pancakes for their family breakfast. Luckily Hank had texted him earlier to tell him that he could come in with Erin later and that they would only take the next step of their drug case tonight, so he could spend the morning at home before pulling another long night shift.

Erin was currently upstairs to catch on some more sleep and Emmy was in her playpen in the living room since he couldn't keep an eye on her and as she currently pulled herself up everywhere but didn't have quite the balance yet to stay on her feet this was the safest place for her. Probably thanks to Crispin, Luke was still sleeping as well and ever since their dog has been with him, there haven't been any cries.

When he started to set the table, Emilia demanded his attention again, so after only putting on the cuttlery, he had to set the rest of the table with just one hand since Emmy occupied his other arm.

″Alright princess,″ he said after placing the last glass of orange juice on the table. ″Let's wake mommy up.″

″Mommy's up already,″ Erin said behind him, walking into the kitchen in that moment, not wearing her pajama anymore but yoga pants and her cubs shirt, her hair tied into a ponytail.

″Perfect, then we can eat right away,″ he winked and put Emmy in her highchair.

″I'll just go and check on Luke and Crisp,″ she smiled back at him and made her way to the guest room. As the door was not completely closed, she could hear a hushed voice and opening it completely and stepping into the room, she found Luke sitting in his bed, his hands stroking Crispin's fur extensively, the dog enjoying all the attention very much. Naturally.

″Hey, you're up, good morning,″ she said and sat down on the edge of the bed, her hand finding Crispin's fur as well.

″Who's that?″ Luke asked, his gaze not leaving the dog.

″That's Crispin, our dog. You like him?″

″Yaaah,″ he answered and lifted his head, a beaming smile on his face.

 _Crispin you did it again_ , she thought. This dog was one in a million and for sure one of the greatest gifts they've ever been blessed with. A gift that was hungry all the time, also right now, his stomach growling which Erin could understand because he hasn't had any breakfast so far.

″Did you hear that?″ she asked Luke. ″That's his tummy. He's hungry because he wanted to stay with you rather than eating something.″

″Can I give him a treat?″

″Maybe later. He has to eat some real stuff first,″ Erin explained. ″How about we get him and you some breakfast and I introduce you to my daughter and husband, who made pancakes by the way,″ she winked.

″Pancakes?″ he asked, his eyes widening and Erin sensed that at home, in this small apartment in Pilsen, pancakes were an exception for him.

″Yeah, apple crisp pancakes,″ she nodded. ″And I think he even made some chocolate chip pancakes especially for you.″

Holding Luke's hand, she walked to the dining room where Jay and Emmy were already waiting for them, Luke hiding a little behind her leg when he saw Jay, yet another stranger.

Kneeling down in front of the boy, Erin said: ″I know you met lots of new people last night and this is all a lot for you but you don't have to be scared, okay? I would never introduce you to any bad people.″

″Okay,″ he whispered.

″Good,″ Erin smiled and lifted the boy up into her arms. ″So Luke, this is my husband Jay. He's a cop as well. And this is our daughter Emilia,″ she said. ″Jay, Emmy, this is Luke, the master of the fort that I told you about.″ By those words, a big smile rushed over Luke's face and some of his hesitation seemed to fade only by these words.

Jay's lips curved into a smile, accompanied by an almost invisible wink. Erin always knew how to handle such fragile situations, which words she needed to choose that would break the ice and this moment proved once more that she was simply and truly made to be a mother because she could always make children, that have been through hell, feel better, feel safe and protected and accepted. And there was nothing that he was more proud of than that he was allowed to call this incredible woman his wife.

″Hey Luke, master of the fort,″ Jay waved at the 4-year-old.

″Hi,″ Luke smiled shyly.

″You ready for some pancakes?″ Jay asked, already putting one on Luke's plate.

″Mhm,″ he nodded, this shy smile still on his face.

They mostly had their breakfast in silence but Luke seemed to enjoy it and they didn't even have to ask him whether he wanted another one because he asked himself all shy which was quite a big step for him.

″You can have as many as you want,″ Jay said and put another one on his plate and cut it in smaller pieces so he could pick it up with his fork.

″What do you usually eat for breakfast?″ Erin asked, this being the perfect opportunity to dig deeper into his family life, to find out whether they had to deal with child abandonment more than his mother just leaving him alone over the weekend.

″Toast with peanut butter or jam. Pancakes only on Christmas and my birthday and Ty's birthday and mommy's birthday,″ he explained, putting the fork with the piece of pancake in his mouth.

″Is your mom usually there to make you your breakfast?″

″Sometimes she comes home after breakfast,″ he answered casually because this was another circumstance he was used to. ″Then Ty makes me one. But sometimes Ty doesn't want to get up so I do it myself.″

Erin exchanged a short glance with Jay as neither of them liked what they were hearing.

″Do you go to preschool?″ Erin asked although she was sure to know the answer.

″Uh-uh,″ he mumbled and shook his head no. ″After mommy slept we play together or watch movies or go to the playground.″

″That's...awesome,″ she lied, forcing a smile before glancing to Jay who looked like he had the same thoughts and bad feeling about all of this that she had as well although Luke wasn't exactly telling them something absolutely dramatic.

″Erin?″ Luke asked and looked directly at her to ask her a question that let her heart drop to her knees because she still didn't know how to answer. ″Will Ty be back today?″

″Uhm,″ she stammered. ″No, I don't think so,″ she said, postponing the inevitable to later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Come on bug,″ Erin said when she scooped Emmy from the car seat into her arms after they'd arrived at the 21st. ″Look at you, big girl,″ she sighed when she had Emmy resting on her hip, the 8-month-old looking so much more like a toddler than a baby in her dark blue jeans, the long-sleeved white shirt, the pink vest, the light blue bandana and the little, comfy white-and-pink babyshoes she was wearing. ″Can you just stop growing already, little lady?″ The fact that by now her daughter was way closer to being a year old than being a newborn seriously scared the crap out of her. If time kept flying like this, Emilia would be 15 before she could even blink.

″You sure you wanna go in there without backup?″ Jay joked while she was settling Emmy in the stroller.

″Yeah, I'll get it handled,″ she smiled faintly and suppressed a sigh because telling Hank that she wouldn't inform DCFS until Monday wasn't something she looked exactly forward to. ″You sure you don't need backup at the playground with these three?″ she grinned, looking from Emmy to Crispin to Luke, the latter holding Jay's hand. One could say that the blonde boy's warmed up to Jay quite quickly.

″I'll get it handled, no worries,″ he winked.

″Alright,″ she said and leaned in to peck his lips quickly. ″I don't think I'll need more than an hour, then I come over to the playground and you can go to work.″ They'd figured that it was best not to take Luke up to the bullpen again with two ongoing cases and that Jay should stay at the playground close to the precinct while she would try to find out more about Luke's mother and tell Hank that they would keep the boy until Monday in case they couldn't find his mother. And even if they found her tomorrow, they wouldn't be able to justify the decision of not calling DCFS anymore as more than two days without being reachable were simply too long, so it seemed like she had to call Clara on Monday anyway. Though she didn't give up all her hope yet that Mouse was able to track her down and they could bring her in within the next few hours so she could ask her what the hell was going on. Because this woman was her's to interrogate.

This hope, however, was kinda taken away as soon as she asked Mouse about any news because they still had no idea about her current location and all they had was her identity. Rylie Jackson. 21 years old. Which meant she'd become a mother by the age of 16, her brother 10 years old back then, the father dead and no info on where the mother was. Just another of these completely messed up families as it seemed, the kind of family she knew too well.

″Erin, my office,″ Hank called through the bullpen when she and Mouse were scrolling through the messages on Tyler's phone, trying to find anything that could lead them to Rylie.

″What's up?″ she asked as soon as she'd closed the door behind her, assuming that this would turn out to be that kind of conversation not the whole bullpen had to witness.

″You called DCFS?″

″No,″ she answered. ″Clara is still the only one I trust and she will be back in the office on Monday and that's when I make the call. And anyway, maybe we find Rylie today and...″

″Erin,″ Hank said, holding his hand up to signalise her to stop speaking. ″Forensics found traces of cocaine on the kitchen counter, the amount you would find when someone scored a line. They did blood tests on Tyler and he's clean.″

She should've seen it coming, should've known that drugs were probably involved and deep down inside she had but she'd pushed those possibilities away nevertheless and that's why she now felt this little bit of hope crashing inside of her, why these news felt like a punch in the gut. And the thought that she soon had to crash Luke's world made her knees weak because there was no way he could stay with his mother now that they'd found traces of drugs in the apartment. He would lose it all.

″I thought I could reunite them,″ she said defeated and plopped down on the chair. ″I thought Luke doesn't have to lose both, his uncle and his mother. I so badly wanted to believe that I can keep mother and son together, that everything turns out fine and that she's a good mother. I was aware of the possibility but I didn't want to believe that Luke's living the same life that I lived. Having an addict as mother.″

″I know,″ Hank answered softly and leaned forward to place his hand atop hers. He knew exactly how hard this was for her, that this was a perfect remembrance of her own crappy life she no one in this world wished to have, so he didn't say anything else.

″How's the boy doing?″ Hank asked into the silence.

″Good,″ Erin said and forced a smile. ″He's been warming up to us and he's a happy little boy. He's polite and doesn't seem abandoned or neglegted. We had other cases where it was all obvious that the kid had a crappy life,″ she sighed.

Hank looked at her sternly and then made a decision that was probably not the smartest but in the boy's best interest. ″Promise me you'll call Clara first thing Monday morning.″

″I promise,″ she said without hesitation and gave him a weak smile. ″Thank you.″

Her father-figure only nodded at her in response and so she got up from her chair but when her hand was already on the doorknob, she turned around to him again. ″When you find Rylie, let me know instantly. Because I wanna do that,″ she said, determination in her eyes and voice. ″Please,″ she added.

″We'll see,″ Hank answered, which was neither a no nor a yes. She took it anyway but didn't forget to tell Mouse, who still owed her one from back when she'd helped him to land a date with Sarah, the same thing on her way out.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Saturday passed and neither Mouse nor Hank called Erin, only Jay texted her in the evening that they haven't been able to track Rylie down yet. So far busting the drug ring was their priority anyway and the murder of Tyler Jackson would be investigated on Monday, when they could hopefully interrogate his sister and go to his school to talk with teachers and friends to get some hints why someone would want to murder him in such a cruel way.

Due to a successful late night bust and following interrogations all night, Jay only came home on early Sunday morning around 4.30 and fell into bed completely beat as he wasn't able to keep his eyes open any longer. Nonetheless he woke up only two hours later by some noises coming from the kitchen. Still more or less slumbering, he reached out for Erin, expecting her side of the bed to be abandoned because she was in the kitchen as Emmy was probably awake already, but when his arm found her next to him, he was wide awake in a heartbeat. His first intention was to go to the wardrobe to get his gun out of the safe that was in there but giving it a second thought, he figured that if there was a burglary going on in their house, first of all the alarm system would've recognized it and second of all, their four-legged alarm system would make quite the terror as well because there was no way their attentive hero would miss out on strangers being in the house in the middle of the night. But other than those noises from the kitchen, everything was completely silent and Crispin seemed to sleep in Emmy's room, just as always.

He made his way downstairs all quiet nonetheless but glancing into the kitchen, where the light was on, he saw the reason for the noises quickly and just as he'd expected, there was no burglary going on.

″Luke, what are you doing?″ he asked the little boy who stood on the counter and seemed to look for something in the upper cupboards.

″I'm looking for the jam,″ he said and pointed to a plate with one piece of bread that hasn't been toasted so far.

″Buddy, you can't just simply climb up there, that's dangerous,″ Jay said and lifted him down from the counter to the floor.

″But I was hungry.″

″You have to wait until Erin or I make you something for breakfast,″ Jay explained.

″I can do it myself. Just like I do at home sometimes,″ Luke said like it was the most normal thing that an almost 5-year-old made breakfast all by himself.

″You climb onto cupboards at home as well?″ Jay frowned.

″No,″ he shook his head. ″Everything is where I can reach it.″

″Yeah bud,″ Jay said and scooped him up into his arms, ″but here it's different. The things that you can't reach, you simply can't reach, okay? There's no climbing on counters because Erin and I would be really sad if you hurt yourself, little monkey.″

″Okay,″ he nodded.

″High-five?″

″High-five,″ Luke beamed and gave Jay a high-five.

″What's going on here?″ Erin yawned behind them, stretching her tired limbs. She'd been woken up by some hushed voices coming from downstairs and she'd then decided to check what was going on and whether her husband maybe needed a hand, especially since Luke'd had quite the tantrum yesterday afternoon.

″Uhm, just a conversation between men,″ Jay winked. ″Right Luke?″

″Right,″ Luke giggled.

″Luke is hungry and he thought he's a monkey and can climb on our counters to make himself breakfast,″ Jay said, throwing Erin a meaningful glance that could tell her the unspoken. They really had to take better care of him and tell him some rules, even though he would leave them tomorrow. ″So I explained him that he's not allowed to do that and that I will make breakfast for him instead.″

″How about you go back to bed and catch up on a couple more hours of sleep and I make this monkey breakfast?″ Erin smiled and closed the gap between them so she could tickle Luke's belly with her fingers.

″I actually like this plan even better,″ Jay smirked and let Luke back down to the floor.

″Perfect. You wanna help me making breakfast, Luke?″

″Yes,″ Luke nodded eagerly and while Jay crawled back into bed, falling back asleep in less than five minutes, Erin prepared scrambled eggs for herself and Luke and then went to check on Emmy so she could pick her up before she would start to cry and wake Jay up again. It proved to be perfect timing because Emmy was just about to pull herself up with the help of the bars and so she took her right downstairs so she, Emmy, Luke and Crispin could have breakfast together and then go for a little walk through the neighborhood afterwards.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Erin?″ Luke asked later that Sunday morning when she was sitting on the floor in the living room to play with him and Emmy. She still had a thousand things to do today; going grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, changing the sheets in the bedroom, the list could be continued endlessly and although her day had started early, she hasn't done anything so far other than making breakfast, making two kids and herself ready for the day and going for a quick stroll with them and the dog. And with Jay still sleeping and with two kids demanding attention, she had no chance of getting anything done and she seriously wondered how moms that had more than one child managed their lives without living in an absolute chaos.

″What's up?″ She looked at him and saw the pensive look on his face.

″When my mommy's coming back tonight, will Ty be back then as well?″

Erin bit her lip with her teeth and hesitated with giving him an answer. He had to learn about his uncle's death before tomorrow because then he would be placed with DCFS, would learn that his mother couldn't take care of him anymore and that he had to live with a foster family. Within 24 hours his world would get crashed twice in the most cruel way and it was on her to decide when to crash it for the first time. But how did you even tell a 4-year-old that one of the most important persons in his life had been murdered and was not coming back?

Contemplaiting her options, she decided against doing it now, mainly because she didn't want to do it alone, wanted Jay to be with her so they could do it together because even if she was the one to tell him, just him being there would make her feel better. ″We'll talk about that later,″ was all she said, hoping that he wouldn't dig any deeper.

 _Later_ came a couple hours after Luke's question, right in the afternoon while Emilia was taking her nap and Luke was outside in the sandbox, Erin keeping an eye on him while folding laundry in the living room.

″Bathroom is clean,″ Jay cheered when he walked into the living room and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

″Perfect, leaves just ten other things we have to do,″ she chuckled slightly. She was really not cut to be a housewife but what had to be done had to be done although the word cleaning and anything that had to do with it were surely her least favorite ones in the world.

″You wanna tell Luke first before we do anything else?″

″Yeah,″ she sighed and glanced out into the garden where the boy was occupied with building a castle. ″I guess we have to.″

Jay intertwined his hand with Erin's and squeezed it supportingly as they made their way outside onto the patio and into the garden, joining Luke in the sandbox.

″It's not finished yet,″ he told them instantly.

″Looks great already,″ Erin smiled faintly, inhaling a deep breath so that sick feeling in her stomach would hopefully leave. ″Listen Luke, you asked us about Ty, right?″

″Yeah,″ Luke nodded and lifted his head to look at them, his attention not on his castle anymore. ″Do you think when mommy picks me up he can come here, too, and see my castle?″

″Uhm...no,″ she breathed out and swallowed hard because this sick feeling wasn't decreasing the tiniest bit. ″Luke, Ty...he...he,″ she stammered, not being able to let those words leave her lips that would make his world fall apart.

″Luke,″ Jay said all calm. ″Come here for a minute, buddy,″ he added and offered him the place in his lap which the blonde boy took, though visibly confused.

Jay settled him in his lap and then never left his eyes while he was speaking all soft. ″Ty won't come back, Luke. He's at a place where he can't come back from and where you can't follow him. But he would want you to be strong and happy and as long as you have him in your heart, he'll never be completely gone and will always be with you. Because you carry him in there,″ he said, his voice breaking a little and his hand found its spot on Luke's chest while Erin had trouble to hold her tears at bay.

″He won't come back?″ Luke whispered, tears looming in his grey eyes and Erin wondered whether he was able to figure out that Tyler was dead. ″But Ty would never leave me and mommy.″

″I'm sure he wouldn't and it wasn't his choice to leave you. But sometimes bad things happen to the people we love and there's nothing we can do about it, Luke. All we can do is keeping them in our hearts because that's exactly where they belong,″ Jay said, rubbing Luke's chest. ″He'll forever be with you, just in a different way and he's looking down on you from above.″

″No,″ Luke said loudly and shook his head. ″He has to come back!″ he cried, tears running down his face and he tried to squirm out of Jay's grasp.

″I know. But he can't,″ Jay whispered and pressed the little boy closer to his chest. Looking at Erin, he saw some tears running down her face as well and she looked to the sky and blinked a couple of times, inhaled some deep breaths and all he wanted to do was holding her just as close as Luke.

″I want my mommy,″ Luke sobbed against Jay's chest desperately and in this moment Jay was sure to hear two hearts breaking for him. Erin's and his own. Because the second part of crashing his world was inevitable and neither of them wanted to tell him that he wouldn't see his mommy again either.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Mouse's call that he'd tracked Rylie down and that Adam was just about to bring her in came in the early evening, while Jay was taking a bath with Emmy upstairs and Erin bathing Luke downstairs, hoping that some giant bubbles could make him smile again because ever since they'd told him about Tyler, the smile has disappeared from his face, leaving sad eyes behind.

She finished bathing Luke quickly, helped him to put his pajama on and apologized to Jay that she had leave him alone but as usual he only smiled at her and told her that he would get it handled because of course he would. So while she drove to the 21st to meet Rylie, he changed Luke's clothes again and put Emmy in her stroller so they could go for a walk with Crispin, their dog hopefully able to cheer Luke up. And stopping in the park to play fetch with Crispin, Luke somewhen asked whether he could throw the ball as well, which Jay of course allowed, and a little smile returned to his face when Crispin brought the ball right back to him, bascially asking him to throw it again. At least one positive thing out of that day.

Meanwhile Erin stormed into the almost empty bullpen, only Mouse, Adam, Kevin and Hank being there while all the others had the weekend off.

″She in the interrogation room?″ she asked instantly, taking the three men's nods as a yes and turned on her heels to go there without wasting another second.

″Erin,″ Hank's voice called through the bullpen and she stopped in her tracks to turn around to him but only because she knew that she had no chance to ignore him.

″Huh?″ she asked.

″You're not going to do that interrogation,″ he said and closed the gap between them, lay his hand on her arm. ″You're too involved and this is maybe a little much for you.″

″I have a four-year-old boy at home that Jay and I just had to tell that his uncle is dead because his mother wasn't there to tell him herself. So I'm sure as hell going to do that interrogation and have a little chat with that mother!″ One of the reasons why Erin was such a great cop was because she knew exactly what she wanted and always had the right amount of determination and even though Hank _knew_ that this case has long become personal for her, he nodded his head and allowed her to go because in this moment he realized that she had to do this to get some closure for the boy. And for herself.

″Go ahead,″ he said and with these words Erin turned around again and stormed into the interrogation room, as pissed as she usually only was when they interrogated some real pricks that were trying to mess with them. However, when she opened the door and found Rylie sitting there on the chair, she decided to maybe start this conversation different than she wanted to, though still agressive, because the girl with the long blonde hair and too much make-up looked almost more like a child than a grown woman.

″Why am I here?″ Rylie asked before she'd even closed the door behind her, and her eyes were definitely shooting her death glares. But Erin saw instantly something else in and behind those grey orbs her son has inherrited. In them she saw that Rylie wasn't sober and behind them she saw very well hidden fear, insecurity and a huge amount of vulnerability. ″I didn't do anything and there was no reason to drag me here in cuffs!″ she spat.

″Hey, you shut up right now and answer my questions and when I'm in the mood I might answer yours, alright?″ Erin asked, giving her the same attitude back that she was giving her, Rylie's behavior foiling her plans of starting this conversation differently, and for a moment they just stared into each other's eyes, grey into hazel-green, fire in both of them.

″I didn't do..-″ she yelled but Erin interrupted her.

″Didn't you listen? You answer my questions and when your answers satisfy me I might answer yours,″ Erin said again, crossing her arms in front of her chest and not even thinking about taking the chair and making this a nice conversation though in the back of her mind she of course knew that she had to tell Rylie about her brother's death as well. And she had to do that in a different way than how this has started. ″Where have you been all weekend?″

″My rich boyfriend took me to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac,″ she snapped.

″Really? I just came back from a trip there with my sugar daddy, too bad we didn't meet,″ Erin fired back. ″How about we make this easier for both of us and you stop telling me lies?″

″Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies,″ Rylie answered casually and crossed her arms in front of her chest as well but for the first time she broke the intense eye-contact with Erin which was a small win.

″Listen Rylie,″ Erin said, her voice still strong. ″ _I_ know you got a son. Luke. 4 years old. But what _you_ don't know is that we found traces of cocaine in your apartment. So the answers you give me now can make a difference whether you see your son again before he goes to live with a foster family or not.″

Rylie's head snapped up by her words and out of a sudden, her facial color remembered the one one of a ghost and she seemed to be speechless. ″No,″ she whispered, tears appearing in her eyes. ″You can't do that.″

″I can, Rylie,″ she said. ″If I had a choice I wouldn't seperate a mother from her son but your choice of scoring some lines here and there doesn't leave me a choice.″

″I'm not a bad mother,″ she defended herself but suddenly the feisty teenager was gone, leaving a picture of a misery behind. ″I would do everything for my son. In fact I do.″

″Okay, how about you answer my questions for your son then?″ Erin asked, the change in Rylie's behavior changing her strategy as well and so she sat down across from her.

″I...I...was with a man,″ she stammered, looking down to her hands, her knuckles already turning white because she was squeezing them as hard. ″A customer,″ she breathed out. ″He wanted me for the whole weekend and we went to Indianapolis. Full weekends give good money.″

″You working as an escort?″

″Is that a nicer word for prostitute?″ Rylie laughed sarcastically. ″You know, when I was young I had dreams. And then reality caught up on me and here I am. Working as a prostitute so my kid and my brother have food on the table and a warm apartment.″

Though Erin was glad that Rylie was opening up to her, she had to swallow hard by her words because this life sounded scarily familiar to her and for a moment she saw herself sitting there all these years back with Hank sitting across from her. ″Tell me your story, Rylie, so I might understand some things I don't right now,″ she said softly.

″There's not much to tell,″ she shrugged but continued anyway. ″My family's always been a mess. My dad was never a good guy and he was involved in an armed robbery while my mom was pregnant with Tyler. He went to jail and died there. Aneurysm in his head after a fight. My mom...she was into alcohol and drugs and then she met that guy and from one day to the other, we were alone. I was 14 then, Tyler was 8. That bitch left her own children like we were nothing,″ Rylie told her, no emotions in her voice, only coldness, and the way she talked about her mother also wasn't unfamiliar to Erin.

″Tyler was everything I had, the only family I had, and so I took care of him, made sure he went to school and only hoped that no one would find out that we were on our own and would therefore seperate us. But you know what? You can't raise a younger brother without money. You can't pay the rent and buy groceries without money. So next to trying to go to school I started to work at one of these small supermarkets but the money wasn't enough for both, rent and food, even though I somewhen quit school to work more. One day my supervisor caught me stealing bread. He didn't call the cops but made sure I wouldn't find a job again. But you know who pays 15 year old girls that don't find a job? Men,″ Rylie said, laughing sardonically once more, her fingers playing with some strands of her long blonde hair now.

″And suddenly I was pregnant by God knows who. When I found out it was too late to do anything about it. So I worked as long as I could, trying to make as much money as possible but when you're seven months along and look like you swallowed a water melon only...well, whatever," she interrupted herself shuddering. "And then, I went into labor. I didn't know whether I was fullterm or not, whether my baby would be born with 3 arms and 4 legs but after 10 endless hours he was born into my arms in my bedroom full of life and just simply perfect and so innocent.″ At this point her voice broke and she allowed a single tear to fall down. ″Any thoughts about leaving him behind on some steps in front of a church were forgotten the moment he made his first scream and I decided no matter how hard it will be and no matter what I have to do, that I keep him and that I'll do whatever it requires to give him the childhood he deserves. And now some cop shows up and tells me I'm a bad mother when she has no fucking idea how hard it is!″

″Actually I know how hard it is,″ Erin said matter-of-factly, a statement that Rylie obviously didn't expect at all. ″For the people you love, to keep them safe and make sure they have everything they need, you would do everything, even if it takes your own dignity away. Sometimes you just want to vomit because you're disgusted by yourself. You can't even look at yourself in the mirror anymore. But then you see your brother's face lighting up, or in your case your son's face, when you bring some donuts home or take them out for ice cream and suddenly it's all worth it. These are the things we do for the people we love.″

With every word that left Erin's mouth, the fire in Rylie's eyes seemed to fade again and Erin could instead see the shock in them. Shock that the cop in front of her knew how it was to live _that_ life.

″And sometimes, the only thing that helps you to stand the things you have to do is scoring a line because it makes it all so much easier, so much more bearable,″ Erin said and Rylie nodded her head slightly. ″When did you start with taking drugs?″

″It was only after Luke was born...with having a baby life was so much harder and sometimes I just needed out, needed to forget. But I'm not a hardcore addict and I only start to take stuff before I go to work in the evening so I get through the night. And then I take more throughout the night. The rest of the day I try to stay sober for him. And I would _never_ score a line in front of him. Never.″

″See Rylie, the thing is, your son is four years old and when he climbs on counters to look for something in a cupboard he usually can't reach, finds your cocaine and takes it because he thinks it's sugar, he could die or end up with brain damage. It doesn't matter that you don't score in front of him and what you do for him. What matters is that there were traces of drugs found in your home and that's why it's not a safe place for a child,″ Erin explained.

″I never had a package of cocaine in the kitchen counter or anywhere close to him. You can't take him away!″

″We're past that point already.″

″He's my son!″ she spat, the fire coming back.

″He is,″ Erin said all calm. ″But your son really needed you these last two days and you were simply not reachable. That's just not acceptable under any circumstances. No matter that you did it for him.″

″I'm never reachable when I'm away over the weekend. Because customers don't like it when they don't have my full attention all the time. Ty knows that. Where is he even? And why the fuck am I here?!″ she asked two of many unanswered questions.

Gone was Erin's hope that this question about Tyler would come up later, when the situation was not as tense as right now. On the one hand, she still wanted to throw it right in Rylie's face that she'd found her scared son under the bed, that she was the one who's been taking care of him since, being up all night to be with him when he had a nightmare, and that she and Jay had been the ones to tell him about Tyler's death. But on the other hand she felt bad for the young girl in front of her because after learning that her child, she did everything for, would be placed with DCFS, Erin would now have to shatter her world even more by telling her that the other closest family member she had was lying in their morgue with a hole in his chest and one in his head. And out of a sudden, she just felt bad for Rylie, that 21 year old girl that would soon have no one anymore and she kinda regretted the way she'd talked with her so far because after all this girl was just like she'd once been. Doing whatever it took to keep the family she'd left safe. And within one weekend, she's lost it all...

* * *

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	73. Stronger Than You Know

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* * *

 **73\. Stronger Than You Know**

″You can't even tell me why I'm here, can you?″ Rylie snapped when Erin didn't answer right away because she was still thinking about how to notify the young girl, how she should go from this heated atmosphere, that was just as much on her as it was on Rylie, to tell her about her brother having been the victim of a brutal and icecold murder. Telling Luke had been hard and absolutely heartbreaking but telling Rylie was just as hard because Erin knew _exactly_ how it was when the only family you had left was your little brother.

″We were called to a shooting in Pilsen on Friday night,″ Erin started to explain, swallowing nervously but never taking her eyes away from Rylie. ″Neighbors reported shots coming from one of the apartments. My colleague Adam and I went in there and that's where we found Luke hidden under your bed,″ she said, inhaling a deep breath before dropping the devastating news that would shatter Rylie's already broken world even more. ″We found Tyler in the kitchen. But we couldn't do anything anymore. I'm sorry.″ She's always hated to do notifications but this one felt like the worst for many reasons.

″No,″ Rylie whispered and shook her head vehement, the last tiny bit of light in her eyes disappearing. ″No. You're lying!″

″I wish I was,″ Erin said quietly.

″No! No! No! Not Ty!″ Rylie screamed and just like that she broke down in front of her, sliding down from the chair onto the cold floor, crying bitterly and Erin's heart broke into a hundred pieces for her, a lump building in her throat as well.

Helplessness filled her as she looked at the young girl that had lost her brother forever and her son at least temporarily, if not forever as well, and as she didn't know what else to do, she joined her on the floor and wrapped her arms around her shaking body and just held her, hoping that she could give her comfort but knowing that nothing could make her world, that's fallen apart, right again at the moment. She could vividly imagine what Rylie was going through right now, in what kind of pain she was because if someone had told her that her brother was dead back when she'd been a teenager and Teddy had been the only real thing in her miserable life, her world would've fallen into pieces, to a point of no repair, as well and this thought really brought tears to her eyes as the lump in her throat grew.

″It's fine, let it all out and don't hold anything back,″ Erin whispered and she didn't know how long they were sitting on the floor before Rylie started to calm down and then lifted her head to look at her, really look at her for the very first time tonight, her grey eyes red from all the crying and possibly from first signs of withdrawals.

″Does Luke know?″ she asked, her voice as faint as it could come, and she wiped her tears away with her hands so her make-up was all over her face.

″Yeah,″ Erin confirmed. ″My husband and I told him this afternoon.″

″Your husband and you?″ Rylie frowned.

″Luke's been staying with us. He heard the shots and when I found him he was shocked and scared and rattled and just needed a safe place with someone he could trust in that moment. And that was me,″ she explained.

″How's he doing?″

″He's okay. Some moments he's fine, some not. He's confused and still scared and sad. But he's also laughing like a normal 4-year-old from time to time, especially when he's with our dog.″

″I _need_ to see him,″ she demanded.

″I'll see what I can do for you, okay? But right now you first have to answer some questions because we really wanna find out who did this to your brother. You feel up for that?″ Erin asked softly.

″Yeah,″ Rylie nodded mechanically.

″Okay, then let's sit down again,″ Erin said and helped her up so they could sit down on their chairs again but it was easy to say that the atmosphere was completely different now, that all the fire in Rylie was gone, leaving a defeated, devastated, broken girl behind.

″Do you have any idea who would want to hurt your brother and why?″

She hesitated for a moment, long enough for Erin to recognize it, and then shook her head. ″Tyler is...was...the sweetest kid,″ Rylie said, tears still looming in her eyes. ″We had our differences sometimes but usually he was simply such a nice kid and tried to help me whenever he could.″

″There are hints that this is connected to a gang,″ Erin said, playing out the cards she had right away, more or less implying that Tyler wasn't the nice kid that Rylie described him as to check her reaction.

″A gang?″ she echoed.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. ″Is there any chance that Tyler was in a gang?″

″No, no way! He was a good kid, a great uncle. He loved Luke and Luke loved him,″ Rylie said, biting her lower lip and turning her gaze away as if there was more to say, which Erin of course recognized.

″Rylie, if there's anything you should tell me, now would be the time,″ she said meaningfully. ″Are you connected to a gang?″

″I'm not. I'm into a lot of stuff but not into gangs,″ she made clear and Erin only needed to look her in the eyes to believe her. Rylie had a lot on her plate but gangs weren't a part of her life. Still, there was something she was thinking about and holding back.

″I...I told him to let go...told him to stay out of that...and I thought he did...he never mentioned it again,″ she stammered, biting her fingernails in addition and therefore giving Erin some trouble to follow her.

″To let what go, Rylie?″ she dug deeper.

″There's this girl at his school. Jaz or Jess or Jen or something, I can't remember exactly. She's two years older and I don't know how they met but he liked her and she liked him and you know...that kind of teenager-love-thing,″ Rylie said, a sarcastic laughter escaping from her lips, probably because she had as much experience with love as Erin had with quantum physics. ″Problem is, she turned out to have a boyfriend. Whose brother is high into some gang...G-Park Lords. The boyfriend is in there as well, naturally. She wanted out and Tyler wanted to help her, be her hero but I told him to let go and not get himself into trouble with a gang because this never ends well. He promised me...-″ At this point her voice was breaking and she swallowed down some sobs. ″He promised me,″ she whispered. ″And I believed him...do you think it was them?″ she asked, looking at Erin like a doe in the beam of the headlights.

″There's a likelihood, yeah,″ Erin confirmed, being already sure that this tip would help them tremendously to solve the case. ″He kinda came into their territory and they usually don't like that.″

″I had no idea he was still trying to help her, that he was still seeing her,″ she said more to herself. ″I should've been there for him more, take care that he doesn't get into trouble,″ she blamed herself.

″Hey Rylie,″ Erin said and placed her hand on her lower arm. ″This is not on you, okay? There's nothing you could've done because against love we're all powerless and there's nothing we can do about it.″

″Love,″ Rylie laughed sardonically. ″He paid a high price for that _love_. We all did in fact,″ she said bitterly and Erin knew what she meant. Without Tyler trying to help that girl out, he would never have been shot and she and Adam had never found Luke. Forensics had never found traces of cocaine that was the reason that her son would grow up in a foster family, seperated from his mother.

″Rylie can you tell me any more names? Anything I can work with?″ They would go to Tyler's school tomorrow to find the 17-year-old girl name Jaz, Jess or Jen. But usually, when cops showed up, asking about secret relationships and gang relations, the person was not keen to talk and give any further information, being scared of getting into trouble themselves being the main reason for it.

″She was here once. Nice girl. Black. Beautiful. She didn't tell me her last name. I think Ty mentioned her boyfriend's name at some point...″ she said, covering her head in her palms. ″It was something similar to Tyler...Ty said he's around 20...″

″Keep going Rylie, you're doing great,″ Erin encouraged her.

″Tyrell. It's Tyrell,″ she exclaimed and looked at Erin. ″That's all I know.″

″That's a lot more than we had before. Thank you,″ she said, giving her a faint smile.

″Can I see Luke now?″

″He's probably already sleeping and seeing you but not being allowed to stay with you would only confuse him but-″

″You promised!″ Rylie interrupted her furiously.

″I didn't promise anything but I wanted to promise you one thing right now if you'd let me finish,″ Erin answered, her voice rising a little as well. ″Do I have your attention now?″

″Yeah,″ Rylie said meekly.

″I'm honest with you, things are not looking good for you right now. So far, DCFS hasn't been notified because I wanted to wait until the woman I know is back in the office tomorrow. There's no way I'm not going to call her but when you want me to put in a good word for you so you can see him again or call him before he's placed with a foster family, there's conditions,″ Erin explained, expecting Rylie to protest again but to her surprise she stayed silent, her attention focused on Erin. ″I'll bring you to a hotel now and you will show up here tomorrow morning at 10. Sober. If I see in your eyes that you used, that's it for you. If not, I promise you that I will help you to get a better life by getting you into a facility and once you're completely clean, I'll help you to get your son back.″

″You say that now but when I really need you, you won't be there. Just like everyone else,″ she snorted and shook her head.

″Hey, didn't I just give you a promise?″ Erin asked. ″Take it or leave it, that's up to you. I'll bring you to that hotel and then you can decide whether you want to get another fix or whether you're son is more important to you than a line of cocaine. That's your choice and about the only chance you will get. But I'll give you one little hint: you're a mother. Act like one.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Erin came home, she didn't hold back with telling Jay every little detail about her encounter with Rylie, from how she'd opened up to her after a couple of minutes to the ultimatum she'd given Rylie and the promise she'd made in the end. And no matter that Jay was both, proud and impressed of how she'd handled the situation, something about this whole thing didn't settle well with him. Erin helping a girl to get clean, to get a better life, sounded all too familiar to him. Of course this was who Erin was, always trying to help, especially girls that remembered her of her own past, girls she could take under her wing like Hank had done with her, showing them that there was a better life, that there was a way out. But he couldn't help but somehow be afraid that it would wound up old sores due to what happened to Nadia and how she'd blamed herself for not leaving her alone in the first place after her death. And in general, everything that had to do with Nadia would always be what she was absolutely vulnerable about and this was kind of a Nadia-situation now that would remind her of the young brunette, who had been something like a sister for her, on a daily basis. And though he of course didn't expect Rylie to get murdered by some psycho, he wondered what it would do to Erin if Rylie's rehab failed and she would end up taking drugs again and working what she did right now instead of living the life Erin obviously wanted her to have, if she simply couldn't fix her and make everything alright.

″You think she will show up?″ Jay asked after he knew the whole story. They were resting on their couch, her head resting against his chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, his hand traveling up and down the soft skin of her arm.

″I don't know. Right now I don't know whether she's strong enough,″ she sighed. ″But I hope so.″

They fell into silence, the strong beating of Jay's heart slowly lulling Erin to slumber after what has been another eventful day, the light headaches she had possibly the best indication that it had all been a lot for her today because this case soaked up her energy on a personal and emotional level. In her semi-conscious state of mind she recognized how Jay turned the TV on but the background noises didn't bother her at all, even let her drift to sleep further. Sleep that was short-lived because the ringing of her phone jolted her awake unexpectedly. She let out a deep sigh and adjusted her position so she could reach for her vibrating cell on the coffee table, a unknown number showing on the screen.

″Erin Halstead,″ she said when she answered the call.

″Erin,″ she heard Rylie's panicked voice and was therefore wide awake in a heartbeat. ″I'm really trying but I can't,″ she cried into the phone, her voice shaky. ″Ty, Luke...it all hurts too much.″

″Rylie, listen to me,″ Erin said emphatically. ″You're stronger than that, okay? You can get through this, I know it.″

″I don't know how,″ Rylie cried desperately. ″I need to take something. I'm sorry.″

″No you don't! You can do this. Do it for your son, you're all he has left. Think about Luke. That's what you're doing it for and he's the reason why you'll stay away from that line in front of you!″

″I want. I want so badly but...but...,″ she sobbed, her body probably shaken by withdrawals.

Erin didn't even need another second to decide what to do because in her opinion there was only one right thing. ″Hang in there Rylie! I'm coming and we're going through this together.″

″I don't know how much longer..-″

″You can! Hold on for a couple more minutes. I'm on my way, I promise.″ With those words, Erin ended the call and jumped up from the couch like her life depended on it.

″You gave her your private number?″ Jay asked, following her to the hallway where her shoes and jacket were. Giving Rylie her card was one thing but giving her her private number was kind of a different story. In his opinion she was too involved into this. Way too involved, way more than she should and this still made him anxious.

″I gave her my card and scrawled it down there, why?″ she asked back while slipping into some sneakers.

″You really wanna go there now?″ he asked instead of answering her question and checked the time on the watch around his wrist. 9.17pm.

″I promised her that I'll be there for her, so yeah, I'm going,″ Erin said, her voice showing hints of being annoyed.

″Can I expect you coming back home at some point tonight?″ Jay asked more snappishly and challenging than he'd intended.

″Probably not in the next couple of hours,″ Erin answered shortly while taking her red leather jacket on. ″And I honestly don't know what your problem is right now.″

 _Just trying to save you from another possible heartbreak and protect you from getting too involved into something you probably should stay out of,_ he thought but didn't speak it out loud but the words he chose instead kinda had the same, anything but great effect. ″You know, you leave me here with two kids for the whole night while you are with a drug-addict you barely know, so excuse me that I'm just trying to figure out why you're doing this.″

By these words, her head snapped up and what Jay saw in her eyes made him swallow hardly. Sheer disappointment. And hurt. Of course the atmosphere between them has been tense because he's gone into protective mode but he hasn't expected her to look at him like she hasn't in a really, really long time.

″Why I'm doing this?″ Erin echoed, her voice incredulous. ″Because this girl - it could've been me. Without Hank saving me this would've been me in fact. She's living the life I escaped from. That's why, Jay,″ she said scarily cold and gave him another glance that somehow broke Jay's heart before she turned around on her heels, slamming the door shut behind herself, in the heat of the moment forgetting that two children were already sleeping in this house. The aftermath came instantly as Luke's cries resounded from the guest room, which would at least give Jay some distraction from what had just gone down between them.

It only came to him while walking toward Luke's room why Erin felt especially connected to Rylie, her words still resounding in his ears. _She's living the life I escaped from._ With this kinda perfect life they were living, he sometimes tended to forget bits and pieces about her past, especially the ones they never talked about. Like her having been pregnant at the age of 15, trying to overdose to lose the baby and eventually getting an abortion with the help of Hank because she didn't want an innocent baby to be born into her world, that it would eventually have the same future ahead she thought she had. It was something they never talked about for obvious reasons but it was still a part of her past. One that was coming up now, with meeting a 21-year-old girl that had an almost 5-year-old son and was taking care of her brother as well because her father was dead and her mother a runaway, a girl that was working in a business no woman or girl should, a girl that was into drugs because this was probably the only thing that helped her bearing the things she had to do. Though Erin hadn't taken care of Teddy anymore when she'd been 15, the similarities to her past were truly scary and in fact Rylie was a young girl alone against the world, just like Erin had once been. He only wished he'd realized it earlier.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You came,″ Rylie said half-conscious, crumbled into a ball on her bed, when Erin stormed into her hotel room with the extra key she'd gotten downstairs thanks to her badge.

″Of course I did. I promised, remember?″ she asked and sat down on the edge of the bed, her hand stroking over Rylie's damp hair. ″Did you take anything?″

″No,″ she denied. ″I wanted to, needed to...but something held me back.″

″Good. That's good,″ Erin sighed in relief.

″Will you stay?″ Rylie asked quietly, her body shaking, her forehead covered in sweat.

Erin pulled the sheet and the comforter over her body to keep her warm. ″As long as you need me.″

The first hours were the hardest and Rylie was throwing up multiple times, Erin holding back her hair and rubbing her back. In addition she was constantly either feeling hot or cold and shaking and sweating as her body came down from being high. The blonde girl was barely able to recognize what was happening around her for the first couple of hours but when things seemed to settle – it was 3am at this point - Erin tried to get her into a conversation that would hopefully distract her from all the withdrawal symptoms she still had and the urge to take another line and destroy how far she's come tonight already. Though the road she still had ahead was long and difficult and this was only the beginning, the first of many steps into a better future.

″Drink this,″ she said and handed her a cup of camomile tea, being thankful that this hotel was open 24 hours and even provided tea on request at 3am in the night.

″Thank you,″ Rylie answered, her voice faint and raspy from all the throwing up, and took the mug from Erin.

″How often do you usually take a line?″ Erin asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed again, her own mug of tea warming her hands.

″When I'm away for the whole weekend I take lots...but usually one in the evening around 6 or 7 before I go to...work,″ she said, and different to earlier she seemed to be embarrassed to call her job work. ″It gets me through the night. Depending on how the night goes, I take another one around midnight. And one in the morning around 4 or 5, so I'm not super high when I come home but can still make it through the day. If I can, I prepare breakfast for the boys and then I go to bed to sleep it all off. Once I'm awake again, my only job is being a mom and I always try to make it through the day without taking another line or any pills. Luke is my drug then,″ she smiled tiredly.

″The very best drug,″ Erin winked.

″He's the best thing that's ever happened to me,″ Rylie said pensively. ″I never knew how much I need him and when I was pregnant I was so sure I would give him away. This only changed the moment he was born and I saw him for the first time...even when I was in labor I still wanted to give him away as I blamed him for everything I had to go through...holy shit, those were the most painful 10 hours of my life.″

″Tell me about it,″ Erin chuckled slightly.

″You have a kid?″ Rylie asked, a surprised undertone in her voice.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″Most painful 16 hours in my life. But the moment I held her in my arms it was all worth it.″

″How old is she?″

″8 months. Just about to figure out how to pull herself up and stand with only the help of some furniture,″ Erin smiled.

″Wow, she's early. Luke didn't do that until he was 11 months old,″ Rylie said and although her voice was still not exactly strong and she was shivering, she kept on talking. ″He was a lazy one, preferred to be carried around. Only started to walk three months after his first birthday.″

″Tell me more about him,″ she encouraged her, being impressed by how much Rylie's shared so far. It seemed like some kind of trust was slowly building up in the girl that was probably not used to trust anyone, that hasn't trusted anyone in a really long time.

″He's a little rascal,″ she smiled. ″His favorite stuffy is Pluto, he would never sleep without it. We once lost it and he cried all night, so I had to go to the Disney store to buy him a new one the next day. In return I only ate a piece of dry bread per day for the next couple of days but at least my kid slept through the night again.″ Erin listened attentively to every word that left the young girl's mouth and figured that apart from being addicted to cocaine, she was a good mother that did everything for her son. ″His favorite animals are dogs, his favorite color is blue. He loves bathing but hates showering. He basically loves any Disney movie but his favorite might be the Jungle Book. And he loves Olaf and Sven from Frozen. Right now he dreams to become a firefighter one day, mainly because then he can drive the big truck,″ she laughed slightly. The first real laugh Erin's heard from her so far. ″He likes anything that's sweet. And pasta. But give him carrots or peas and he rather stays hungry. He's usually happy and easy-going but he can have his tantrums from time to time and they're bad.″

″Yep, we had one of these,″ Erin told her.

″I'm sorry,″ Rylie apologized.

″It's okay. I see it as training because who knows what my little lady comes up with one day,″ Erin laughed and sipped on her tea. ″So your son wants to become a firefighter one day. What did you want to become when you were younger, when you had dreams?″

″Huh...dreams,″ Rylie shrugged and sipped on her tea as well. ″I wanted to become a doctor or a nurse, helping people to get better, heal people. And here I am, needing help myself.″

″It's not a bad thing to need help although I know very well that sometimes it's hard to accept the help other people are offering,″ Erin said pensively and with Rylie sobering up, she seemed to recognize it.

″What's your story?″ she asked sheepishly. ″Earlier, when we were at the police station...you knew exactly what it was like...you know...my life...″

Erin looked at the girl in front of her, kinda surprised that she even remembered something from their conversation earlier, and then decided to share bits and pieces of her past as well because if she wanted Rylie to trust her more, she had to earn that trust. And denying her her story now could destroy everything they've built up so far.

″Uhm...where to begin...,″ she started, searching for the right words to describe her messed up childhood. ″My dad went to jail when I was really young, so I can't remember much of him other than that he was violent against my mom. Never against me but apparently against others in his favorite bar and they booked him for aggrevated assault and other stuff. At this point my mom was already into drugs and alcohol and the men she used to date stayed the same. Abusive and violent. One of them got her pregnant and my brother Teddy was born when I was six. She tried to get clean several times but it was never successful, so I was the one who raised Teddy. Sometimes she would stay away from home for weeks and I didn't know whether she comes back,″ she told her and couldn't help but let a small sarcastic laughter slip. Even with Bunny being dead she still couldn't believe what a joke of a mother she'd been and a lot of bitterness was still involved.

″Teddy was a pain in the ass sometimes but I loved him and put his needs above my own. He was all I had and to provide him the childhood he deserved I had to earn money for us but eventually Child Services figured our situation out and took Teddy away, thinking that with 14 I was old enough to handle myself or whatever. So I was on my own, with my addicted mom, took pills and stuff myself so I could forget, ran with a shady guy and did lots of stuff I'm not proud of. I thought that's what life has in store for me, 14 years old and having more priors for solicitation, theft, posession of cannabis and simple battery than most smalltown criminals have that were four times my age,″ she said and shivered slightly by those memories. ″So there was this cop, different than all the other cops, trying to keep me out of look-up, trying to help me, saving me and my mother from her abusive boyfriend, trying to get me out of this miserable life. It took a while but eventually I accepted his help. This cop changed my life, gave me a life I never even dared to dream about, and he became the father I never had,″ Erin ended telling her story, smiling faintly by her last words, Rylie's eyes wide in shock, her mouth slightly agape. Although it only was her story in a nutshell, Rylie now basically knew her whole story, except the part of the abortion she'd had at the age of 15 but the only people who knew about this chapter of her past were Hank, because he'd been the one to help her back then, and Jay, because he knew everything about her, and it would forever stay that way.

″Wow,″ she uttered, being a little speechless. ″What happened to your family? Do you know?″

″Other than Teddy, I don't see them as my family,″ Erin made clear. Her family were other people. Many other great people she loved with all her heart. ″My biological father is in jail again and will stay there for the rest of his life and the woman that happened to be my biological mother OD'd in June. Teddy is living and working in California and he's actually doing great.″

″At least you know...,″ Rylie said pensively. ″Sometimes I wonder where my mother is. Whether she's even still alive. Whether she thinks about me and Ty or just forgot us. Sometimes I wish I could tell her what a bitch she is.″

″You need closure,″ Erin stated, sensing that Rylie needed exactly what she'd gotten with Bunny's death in June: this chapter of her life being closed permanently.

″Yeah...kind of,″ Rylie agreed and they fell into silence for a while, the blonde girl even dozing off a little and Erin being close to just allow her eyes to fall shut for one second but reminding herself that she had to stay awake and take care of Rylie. A huge dose of caffeine would hopefully do it in the morning and bring her through the day. A day she not exactly looked forward to as she had to call DCFS and give Luke to a foster home, make his world spin even more. Not to forget the tension between her and Jay. Tension she didn't even know anymore because the last time they'd had some real argument seemed to be a lifetime ago.

By the time Rylie woke up from her slumber, Erin's decided to leave her alone for a couple of hours so she could go home and talk to Jay before work so they could sort the things out that had happened in the heat of the moment earlier, when they'd both overreacted. So she could apologize for the way she'd left because deep down inside she knew that Jay just wanted to protect her and that her behavior hadn't been fair, just leaving him hanging there with two kids.

″You'll take a shower now and once you're back asleep, I will leave, okay?″ Erin asked. ″I will talk to the hotel manager that they will bring you breakfast at 8.30 and that he'll call you a cab for 9.15 that brings you to the district. I will make some calls later to get you into a facility this evening.″

″What if..-?″

″No Rylie,″ Erin interrupted her instantly. ″You don't need me to babysit you because I know that you can get through these 5 hours all by yourself. You're stronger than you know, believe me.″

″Okay,″ she finally nodded.

″Good, then let's get you into that shower,″ she said and helped her to get up so Rylie could first flush all the cocaine down the toilet and then take a needed shower that would hopefully help her to feel even better, but Rylie hesitated for a moment and instead just stared at her.

″Erin?″ she asked quietly. ″Why are you doing this?″

It was a question that Erin didn't take long to answer. ″Because a long time ago, someone saw something in me that was worth fighting for. And I see something in you. You have a golden heart, Rylie and you deserve a better life. I want to help you because without help I would still live that life we both know too well, wouldn't be a cop, be married and have a baby. The world has so much more to offer and I think you just need someone showing you.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Most parts of Beverly were still sleeping when Erin parked the 300 in the driveway of their house, that was one of very few where the light was on in the kitchen already. Checking the clock on the dashboard, she figured that either Jay was up about 45 minutes earlier than usual for whatever reason or that one of the kids was up already and demanded his attention. She inhaled a deep breath before getting out of the car and went into the house, ready to apologize immediately for the way she'd left earlier, for how she'd reacted in the heat of the moment, because she hated nothing more than this tension between her and Jay. It wasn't usually them to fight but sometimes they were both too stubborn and too hotheaded to avoid it.

″You awake already?″ she asked softly, leaning in the doorway of the kitchen and watching him cutting some fruits, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and croissants baking in the oven invading her nostrils.

Jay set the knife aside by the sound of her voice and turned around to her, his eyes as tired as hers. But there was something else in his face she didn't like at all. ″You think I slept?″ he asked, his voice seldomly harsh.

″Uhm...″ she stammered, this tone catching her off-guard.

″You were away for the whole damn night and didn't write me one single text whether you're okay and when you'll come back.″

″Didn't know I have to report to you,″ she answered, her voice rising slightly now as well, though still friendlier than his tone. So much for apologizing immediately.

″Report to me?″ Jay echoed. ″My wife is with a junkie all night, sorry that I'm worried,″ he snorted and turned around to the fruits on the cutting board again.

″Jay,″ she said all soft and of course her voice found the way right to his heart and he turned to her again. ″There's no reason to be worried. I can handle myself.″

″Erin, you don't get my point,″ Jay said slightly furious. ″This is not about you being able to handle yourself or not. This is about the decisions you make. I know you make a decision that feels right for you in that moment but Erin, this isn't only about you anymore. There's me. There's Emmy. And right now there's even Luke. So when you run out of here somewhen after nine, telling me you'll spend the next couple of hours with a cocaine-addicted girl you barely know and whose brother was murdered by some gang that probably has her as a target as well, sorry that this doesn't settle well with me and that I stay awake, waiting for you to send me a text or at least answer mine at some point.″

Erin bit her lower lip as she felt bad, knowing that he had a point and reached for her phone in the back pocket of her jeans at the same time. Pressing the button that usually would light up the display and show a picture of Emmy and Jay, everything stayed black. ″I didn't charge my phone before I left. I guess it died before you texted me and this night was just so busy and rough...I didn't even think about my phone for one second. I'm sorry,″ she said, adding quietly. ″For everything. The way I left. Forgetting to text you. It wasn't my intention to...I didn't think about any consequences,″ she rambled, feeling even worse now.

″Come here,″ Jay sighed, making a few steps into her direction and wrapping his arms around her. It always felt good to hold her in his arms, especially after a night like this, after this little arguement and being worried for the better part of the night. ″I'm sorry as well. I don't want to be over-protective or anything,″ he mumbled into her hair. ″You just happen to be the most important person in my life.″

By these words, Erin lifted her head to look at him. ″I love you.″

″I love you more,″ Jay smiled tiredly and pecked her lips with a short but soft kiss. ″You want some coffee?″

″I'd kill for some coffee right now,″ she yawned.

″Okay, then let's get you one before that happens,″ Jay winked. ″How did things go with Rylie?″ he asked while pouring the black liquid into her favorite mug. They would definitely need tons of that today to make it through the day without falling asleep on their desks.

″Pretty good. If she makes it to 10 and then to the afternoon, I think she has a chance. Then I get her into a facility and once she's completely clean, I'll help her to get Luke back.″

 _If only this would be so easy_ , Jay thought but didn't speak it out loud. Erin was realistic enough to know that it wasn't that easy and that rehabs often failed. But for some reason she seemed to have faith and maybe he should have, too, because it was obvious how important this was for Erin and so it was for him, too, and he hoped, mainly for Erin's sake but also for Rylie's and Luke's sake, that things would turn out the way Erin imagined right now. Because if not, this would be another heartbreak she didn't deserve.

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. ″She's lucky to have you.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The first thing Erin did once they were in the bullpen was calling Clara from Child Services, begging her to come to the 21st because they had a particular difficult case as she didn't want to tell her everything about Rylie's and Luke's situation via the phone. This morning had been a challenge, with Luke asking for his mom several times and because they couldn't give him a satisfying answer, it had eventually ended in a tantrum. Now she hoped that she could finally give him some answers later, or even better, that Rylie could call him and tell him that she would be back soon because as much as she wished that Rylie could see Luke again and vice versa, she knew it was better if Luke didn't see his mom for five minutes only to be seperated from her for the next couple of weeks.

She'd felt bad to leave the 4-year-old with Carol, someone else new yet again, but with Luke not going to preschool and all the things she had to do today, working something out with DCFS, getting Rylie into a facility and solving the murder of Tyler, this had been the only option.

So while everyone was out and about at Tyler's highschool and in the neighborhood in Pilsen, Jay and Erin stayed in the bullpen to wait for Clara because they'd been the ones who've been taking care of Luke and therefore needed to be there. In addition, Erin was of course anxiously waiting for Rylie to show up and she prayed inwardly that Platt would walk up these stairs soon, telling her a young girl wanted to see her.

Clara, the woman she's worked with many times in the last couple of years, came first and mainly Erin but also Jay told her the whole story of Luke and Rylie while drinking coffee in the break room. Clara asked them whether they'd recognized any behavior abnormalities or whether they'd anytime had the feeling that the environment he used to live in did any obvious damage, which they denied. Other than the tantrums, that quite frankly any 4-year-old had, he was a happy little boy with a normal childhood. No violence. No abuse. Only a drug-addicted mother that still tried to do everything for her child.

Of course Clara said that right now on paper, things didn't look good for Rylie, which they'd expected, and that she would place Luke with a foster family no matter what and that they would pick him up from Carol together later, but she also said that she would take the time to talk with Rylie in personal. In case she showed up. Erin tried to avoid to gaze at her phone nervously every two minutes but was anyway more than relieved when Platt showed up in the bullpen, having the young blonde girl in tow.

One could still see the signs of withdrawals in Rylie's face, her eyes tired, her skin pale, dark circles under her eyes. But she looked a lot better than last night, her hair freshly washed and nicely braided and what was most important: sober. Which caused Erin to let out a breath of relief. She introduced Rylie to Jay and Clara and then left her alone with the latter so they could have a chat as just the two of them. Erin wanted nothing more than being in there with Rylie to back her up but she knew that she had to handle this situation on her own to prove that she was able to deal with this.

After 10 endless minutes, Clara begged Erin and Jay back into the room and for a moment Erin wasn't sure whether this was a good sign or not.

″So after assessing the situation first with Erin and Jay and now with you,″ Clara said, looking directly at Rylie who was just as nervous as Erin, ″I can offer you the following thing: you stay sober so Erin can get you into that facility tonight. I will give Erin the number of the foster family I place Luke with and once you're in that facility, you can call him. Providing that you stay in that facility and make progress, you can call him twice a week. We require at least a 2-months-stay and then let one of our psychologists decide whether you're ready to be on your own and can eventually take care of a child. Once you're out, there'll be supervised visits first, then you can spend an hour or two per day with him alone and we'll see how things go from there. There is a chance that you get him back but it takes a while. You'll need a job and an apartment and Child Services will keep a close eye on you for the next years, will do drug tests and all.″

No matter what Clara said, Rylie nodded mechanically, finding her voice again in the end. ″Thank you,″ she said quietly. ″I'll give my best.″

″That's what we hope,″ Clara said to the young girl. ″This is your only chance, Rylie.″

″I know. Erin kinda told me the same yesterday,″ she answered, glancing at Erin thankfully. ″What am I going to do until tonight?″

″You stay here,″ Erin decided. ″We'll now go with Clara to pick up Luke and will stop by your apartment on our way. I'll pack a bag of clothes for you and one for Luke and we'll accompany Clara and Luke when they meet the foster family. Once everything is settled, we come back, bring lunch and then I can probably get you into the facility early. You stay on this chair or on the couch over there and don't move.″

″Sounds good,″ Rylie said.

″Okay, get comfy,″ Erin said, touching her upper arm supportingly before they left. On the way to the 300 she first informed Platt that Rylie was still upstairs and begged her to check on her every once in a while and then first called Carol to tell her that they would show up in the next 20 minutes and then Hank to inform him that Rylie would stay in the bullpen until the afternoon.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey guys,″ Carol smiled when she opened the door, introducing herself to Clara.

″How's it going?″ Jay asked as the group of three followed her into the apartment.

″Good, we're building a zoo and a tower with Lego bricks,″ the older woman explained and stopped in the doorway to the living room so everyone could watch the scene in front of them.

″No Emmy, you have to put it here,″ Luke said, taking the blue Lego brick from Emmy's hand to build some kind of fence with it. Both kids were sitting on the floor, playing peacefully, Crispin lying close by. On the days when Carol didn't have to take care of Adeline, her other daycare child, she was instead taking care of Crispin as well. ″This is where the lions will be, you see? They'll come in here, right next to the tigers.″

″Hey Luke, there's someone for you,″ Carol said and both Erin and Jay somehow wished she hadn't destroyed this peaceful moment because they would take it all away again by telling Luke that he had to live with new people yet again.

″Erin! Jay!″ he exclaimed excitedly, his face lighting up in a way neither of them had expected. ″You see my zoo?″ he asked and jumped up from the floor to run to them. ″I even built a tower so someone can watch the animals and take care that they don't escape. Come, I'll show you,″ he babbled and took both, Erin's and Jay's hands to pull them to the play area in the middle of the room. It was hard to believe that a couple of hours ago, this boy had cried because he missed his mom and uncle and it was amazing how fast kids seemed to forget about the things that had made them unhappy just a couple of hours ago. Of course things could go in the other direction pretty fast as well.

″That's so cool, buddy,″ Jay smiled, running his hand through Luke's blonde curls before sitting down on the floor.

″Hey bug,″ Erin smiled when she sat down behind Emmy, kissing the top of her head. ″Did you help Luke to build the zoo?″

″She always gave me the bricks,″ Luke nodded eagerly. ″Jay you see, that's for the lions,″ he said, pointing to his building proudly.

″They'll have the best life in there,″ Jay said, reaching for the lion and putting it in there. ″And for who's that cage you built here?″ he asked, pointing to one that was still empty.

″It's for the giraffes. That's why the wall is so high,″ Luke explained and took the giraffe to place it inside the walls of Lego bricks. ″See Erin, it's too high for them to escape.″

″You don't think they can jump over it?″ Erin asked, helping Emmy to get on her feet and holding her around her waist so she could stand.

″No way,″ Luke giggled. ″Giraffes can't jump...can they?″ he asked, looking from Erin to Jay.

″No, I don't think they can, bud,″ Jay laughed. ″But maybe those are special,″ he added and took the giraffe in his hand. ″See, it's gaining speed, it's getting faster and faster and woooow, it's jumping,″ he immitated whichever kind of moderator and let the giraffe jump over the wall. ″It's jumping to Emmy,″ he said and placed the giraffe on her shoulder for a second, Emilia giving him a confused glance before a smile broke through. ″And now it's jumping to Luke, here it comes,″ he grinned and let the giraffe rest on Luke's shoulder now.

″Hey Luke, you see I'm a special giraffe. The only one in the world that can do this.″ The way Jay changed his voice was so funny, Erin couldn't hold back a chuckle, but at the same time it was absolutely damn adorable.

″Daddy is so silly today,″ she whispered into Emilia's ear.

″Hello special giraffe,″ Luke meanwhile beamed and took the toy from Jay's hand. ″What should we do about it, Jay? Build it even higher?″

″Naah, I think you should just let the giraffe jump around your zoo, that's quite cool.″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded. ″When mommy and I go to the zoo next time, can you and Erin and Emmy come with?″ he asked and within one second, the whole atmosphere changed, at least for Erin and Jay. Gone was the moment of goofing around, of enjoying some off-time while they were actually still on the clock. They were here for different reasons after all, but it has been nice to forget about all of this for a minute and just see Luke being so happy and settled.

″Uhm...we'll work something out,″ Jay answered vaguely, looking to Erin somehow helplessly. They both knew that now was the moment to tell Luke about his mom not coming back anytime soon and that the lady in the background, that he probably hasn't even recognized so far due to his excitement, would bring him to a new family.

″Erin, Jay, can I talk with you for a second?″ Clara said while Erin was still undecided about how to start the conversation that had to be made, the conversation that would burst Luke's bubble.

″Who's that?″ Luke asked.

″That's Clara. She's my friend,″ Erin explained. _My friend that will take you away from us and bring you to your foster family._ ″We'll be back in a minute, Lukey.″

She got up from the floor, lifting Emmy up as well and handing her to Carol on her way out.

″What's up?″ Erin asked as soon as they were outside of the apartment, Jay standing behind her, his hand resting on her shoulder respectively neck.

″I was just wondering...″ she said, looking from Erin to Jay and then somehow at the both of them together as she spoke out the words that could change their life forever. ″Do you want to foster Luke?″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Don't forget that reviews make my day :) I know some of you want them to keep Luke and some of you don't, so I guess not everyone will be happy with the decision I made here but all I'm saying is: just TRUST ME... thanks ;)**


	74. The Right Thing

**Thank you so so so much for all your feedback, you guys are the best! At the end of my last chapter I told you to trust me, so thanks to everyone who's still here :) let me explain one thing: everything in this story happens for a reason and is thought through very very well, which means I know what I'm doing. So be patient and wait for things to fall into place. And meanwhile, enjoy this chapter ;)**

* * *

 **74\. The Right Thing**

For a moment it was absolutely silent as they both stared at Clara perplexedly and Erin could feel her heart beating in her ears, the shock evident in her hazel-green eyes.

″Uhm, what?″ she managed to ask, being the first to find her words again and looking to Jay to assure herself that she'd heard right, but his facial expression was as confused and perplex as her own, his eyes looking for hers as well.

″I usually place kids with foster families that I know but nothing was done the usual way here,″ Clara said, giving them a meaningful glance that should somehow tell them not to do it like this again. ″It's always hard to seperate kids from their parents, although it's for their better. They don't understand and have a hard time to adjust into a new family. But what I just saw inside there was a child that seems to be confident with this new situation, a child that trusts the people he's with. What I just saw in there is how it should be and I've seldomly seen that after only three days,″ she explained to the stunned couple in front of her. ″And to me it seemed like you see him as a part of your family already as well, so I was just wondering whether you could imagine giving him a foster home yourselves. I know this is a big question and you already have a busy life and there are lots of things coming along with fostering a child, so if you need another day to think about it, that would be fine by me. I just thought this could probably be an option.″

″I think we should do it,″ Erin exclaimed straight away and for the second time within a couple of minutes Jay wondered whether he's heard right. Deep down inside he's known that something like this would happen, has seen it coming that Luke would stay with them because they've bonded too much already. Not only Erin, also him, and giving him to a foster family has always been the plan, but quite honestly none they felt entirely good with. But all of this didn't change the fact that there were _tons_ of things they had to consider and they could surely not make such a huge decision within seconds, in the hallway of their former apartment building – _without_ talking about it properly.

″Woah Erin, easy,″ he said, trying to hold back the feeling of anger that came with her making a decision in a heartbeat yet again. A way bigger decision this time, one that could have consequences for the rest of their life. Consequences Erin surely hasn't considered so far.

″Jay, this would be in Luke's best interest,″ she answered, turning her gaze from him to Clara. ″Right?″

″Most likely, yes,″ the social worker confirmed. ″As I said, what I just saw in these five minutes is something special.″

″Okay,″ Jay breathed out, looking at Clara as well. ″So let's say we foster him and Rylie doesn't make it through rehab and ends up taking drugs again,″ he said and he could literally feel Erin's eyes burning into his skin as he spoke this possibility, that she didn't want to think about at all, out loud. But he's always been the more reasonable one and so he ignored the death glare she was shooting him and continued, hoping that she would catch up on the direction he was going to with his question and would therefore understand why he was hesitating. ″What would happen to Luke?″

″Well, he would stay with you and eventually he would get adopted because there's no way Rylie would get him back then and we would need to find a permanent home for him,″ Clara said, confirming what Jay had thought would happen, the conflict that came with it all evident in his opinion. Not in Erin's as it seemed.

″So how does that change anything?″ she asked, a tiny bit of challenge in her voice. ″He needs us, Jay. It would be cruel to give him to a new family when he could simply stay with us.″

″I know,″ Jay agreed. ″Clara, could Erin and I go outside for a minute?″

″Sure, take the time you need.″

″Thanks,″ Jay smiled out of necessity. ″Let's go,″ he said to Erin and slightly pushed her into the direction of the staircase, literally waiting for the bomb to explode as he could feel the fire and anger in her, just like a volcano shortly before it errupted.

To his surprise, Erin kept her mouth shut until they were in the 300 but the moment the doors were closed and they were inside the car that had witnessed countless conversations between them, she released her anger.

″What the hell was that?″ she snapped. ″She now thinks we're not on the same page about that.″

″How can we be on the same page when you make a decision without me?″ he asked rhetorically. ″Er, not even 24 hours ago I told you that there are decisions that are as immense that you can't make them alone in a heartbeat and that you have to consider all the angles and here you go again.″

″So you don't want to foster Luke?″ she asked incredulously. ″Is that what you're trying to say?″

″I want to foster Luke,″ he said all calm and her features softened a little, a frown occuring on her forehead instead. ″But I want you to realize what fostering Luke means for us, for our life. Especially since you were the one who told me not even five months ago that she doesn't want to have a second child.″

He hoped that his words would finally make her realize why he was hesitating as much and couldn't simply say that he wanted to foster Luke as well. Because of course this little boy had a special place in his heart already and he could imagine Luke being a part of their family. But before anything else he thought of Erin, as always looking out for her, especially in moments like this, when her empathy for others kept her from seeing things rational.

″It's not a permanent situation, Jay. It's only temporary,″ she said like it was carved in stone that Rylie would come back clean and never relapse. ″Rylie will be back in two months and probably in not even a year Luke is allowed to live with her again.″

″Erin,″ Jay sighed. For someone who was usually afraid to believe in happy endings, she surely was driven by a lot of positive thoughts and imaginations here. ″I want Rylie to make it as well. I really do. But for one minute, we have to be rational here and we both know that rehab is not that easy and that chances of a relapse afterwards are quite high. We'll help Rylie in the best way we can but that doesn't guarantee a success. And she only has that one chance. So what I'm trying to say,″ he explained, lying his hand atop hers before telling her the conflict he saw in this whole situation. ″When we foster Luke now and Rylie doesn't come back...will we be able to give him to another family for adoption then?″

Jay literally saw how the scales fell from her eyes and for a moment she seemed to be at a loss of words. ″I didn't...I haven't...″ she stammered. ″I haven't thought about that.″

″I know,″ Jay said, his thumb stroking over the back of her hand. ″That's what I want you to think about, Er. I don't have a problem with fostering Luke. I wouldn't have a problem with adopting him in case this situation happens. Whether we have a second child on our own or through adoption doesn't matter to me. You were the one who wasn't sure whether she even wants a second child and I told you back in May that that's okay. But this is something you have to consider now. Fostering Luke could change our life forever because in case this isn't temporary he could become the second child you don't know you want.″

Erin only nodded mechanically, letting his words sink in as they fell into silence, Jay's hand still covering hers, his skin against hers having this relaxing effect. If she was being honest with herself, the thought of a second child has grown on her over the past few months, though it still wasn't big enough that she could for sure say that she wanted to give Emmy a little sister or brother some day. It was both, a nice and a scary thought of going through pregnancy and birth again and raising _two_ kids. The word adoption has never crossed her mind before. For her it's been clear that they had another own child in case they would indeed decide for Halstead number two. But eventually adopting a 5-year-old and giving Emilia a big brother?

Of course Luke would be something like her big brother now as well, but only for a certain period of time, hopefully. They would have two children but only for a couple of weeks, hopefully. It wouldn't be a permanent situation of them having two children, of Emilia having a big brother. Or would it?

While on the one hand it might seemed unfair to give their first-born a big brother, it was on the other hand great to have this big-brother-little-sister bond, the older always looking out for the younger and protecting her. Erin would've loved it to have a bigger brother. And there was something inside of her that yelled they should do it but of course Jay had a fair point as well. A point that was partly silenced by another voice inside of her, that was ever so quiet and hidden somewhere deep down in her heart, but it was very well there and it whispered to her that maybe, just maybe, their family wasn't complete yet.

″We handled the weekend quite well, didn't we?″ she asked him reassuringly.

″Well, it were only two days. Two days that we had more or less off. But yeah, I think we did good,″ he replied, seeing in her face how her mind played through different scenarios. This was all he'd wanted, that she thought about the range of the decision they would make.

″We weren't too bad when Danny stayed here the other day either,″ she noticed, thinking back to the weekend when Justin had been out of town for a special training and Henry had been sick, Olive asking them whether they could take care of Danny while she would take Henry to the ED, just to make sure it wasn't something serious. Of course they'd agreed, this was the benefit of living next to each other after all.

″That's true,″ Jay confirmed. ″It was a little louder and more chaotic but not in a bad way,″ he winked.

″Would it be unfair to Emmy? I mean, she suddenly has to share us with someone else...probably forever,″ she said, gnawing on her lip. Suddenly, this was probably her biggest conflict. That they might weren't able to give Emmy the attention she deserved and if she was being honest with herself, this was another thing she hasn't thought about until a couple of minutes ago because she'd only thought about what would be best for the scared, little boy who basically had no one right now.

″That usually happens when a new family member arrives, babe,″ Jay said, giving her a reassuring smile. "And even with only fostering Luke we would have to devide our attention between the two of them."

″Huh,″ she shrugged. ″Do you think we could handle it? Our jobs, two kids, a dog? You know, in the long run? In case this is not just about a couple of weeks or months...″

″We can handle anything. As long as we have each other,″ he answered softly and squeezed her hand a little tighter and the look her gave her with those blue orbs full of love made her heart flutter.

They fell into another moment of silence and when Erin inhaled a deep breath, Jay knew she'd made a decision. And he was sure to already know how she'd decided without her saying it because he knew his woman, sometimes better than she knew herself.

″I don't know whether I can be a mother of two,″ she started, smiling nervously at him. ″But I know for sure that you can be a dad of two in case you have to. And with you by my side, I can do it as well.″

″So?″ Jay asked.

″We'll do it,″ she nodded, confirming what he'd known already. Anything else would've surprised him immensely, even if this decision could change their life forever. ″We'll foster Luke. It's the right thing to do.″

″It is,″ he agreed and leaned in to give her a short but ever so soft kiss and while he tasted her lips on his own, he couldn't help but wonder what else life had in store for them as fostering a child and then probably adopt it has never been on their agenda. But then again, what ever had?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Rylie was still sitting on her chair, just like Erin had told her, when they came back, bringing lunch from their favorite sandwich shop for the whole gang and a whole pile of paperwork they had to fight with now that they were officially foster parents to Luke Jackson. They haven't told him so far, had just left Carol's place again and decided to postpone breaking the news to the 4-year-old to the evening, when they had lots of time to explain. Then they would not only tell him that he would stay with them for the next couple of weeks but also that Rylie wasn't coming back anytime soon but that she would call him twice a week to speak with him, today being the first time. Regardless that phone call, that had the potential to probably save the situation, they didn't expect this evening to go smooth as the likelihood of a drama was quite high, so the whole way back to the district, they'd discussed how to do it, unfortunately without coming up with any masterplan that would make it easier.

Erin didn't know how Rylie would take the news that she and Jay would be Luke's foster parents, so when she brought her a grilled cheese sandwich and a soda, she broke the news carefully, halfway expecting Rylie to accuse her of robbing her of her son. Erin could feel her heart beating nervously in her throat when those words left her lips only to realize quickly that there hadn't been any reason to be nervous to begin with.

″Thank you,″ Rylie said, her lips curving into a shy smile. ″If I could've wished for someone, it would've been you. You're the first person that didn't let me down when I needed her and I know that you'll be there for my boy when he needs you.″ Towards the end, her voice broke, tears threatening to fall from her grey eyes.

″Hey Rylie, you'll be there for him again, soon. And whenever you need me, I'll be there for you. You're not alone,″ Erin said softly, her words letting the tears fall from Rylie's eyes. ″Come here,″ she added when she saw the tears, offering her arms to embrance her and without reluctance, Rylie got up from her chair and fell into her arms. Who would've thought that not even 24 hours ago, when the first few minutes of their encounter had been like a thunderstorm?

The next person Erin wanted to know about this new circumstance was Hank because depending on how the first few days with Luke went, she would maybe spend more time at home again. But much more than this having professional reasons, she wanted to tell him because he was her father in every possible way and his opinion mattered to her. Maybe this was the reason why she was kind of nervous when she knocked on the door of his office as she was uncertain what he would think about them fostering a child after having a child, buying a house, adopting a dog and marrying all within the last year.

″Do you have a minute?″ she asked, standing in the doorway, the tips of her fingers thrumming against the wood.

″Sure,″ he nodded, looking up from some forms in front of him, and as she stepped in and closed the door, she could feel his gaze burning on her, reading her like an open book.

″What's up?″ he asked as soon as she's settled on the chair.

″Uhm...so as you know, Clara was here this morning...and we talked about Luke and then she talked to Rylie...″

″I know, Rylie told me about it,″ Hank said.

″She did?″ Erin asked, surprise in her voice.

″Well, I saw her sitting there in the breakroom and told her that she can get herself a glass of water or a cup of coffee if she wants but she said you told her not to move,″ Hank explained, letting out a raspy chuckle. ″So I gave her a glass of water and said she can get up to get herself another one later but she said she wouldn't because you said so. Then I dug a little deeper and she told me about what Clara said. And about last night,″ he said meaningfully. ″I thought those circles under your eyes come from Emmy keeping you up all night.″

″Naah, she's a good sleeper these days. Sleeping through most of the time,″ she smiled faintly.

″Good, you'll need a long sleep next night,″ he replied, a mixture of boss and dad coming through here, and she wondered whether she really looked that bad. Given the fact that she hasn't slept in more than 30 hours, she didn't feel too bad, though she had to admit, she was probably running on caffeine and adrenaline only.

″I know,″ she winked. ″Anyway, I wanted to tell you something else. Uhm...,″ she stammered, remembering at which point he'd interrupted her. ″Jay and I went with Clara to pick up Luke from Carol.. and Luke...he was really happy to see us and pulled us with him to his playing area and so we sat down with him and Emmy for a minute and just when we were about to tell him that Clara takes him to another family now, she asked us to come outside...,″ Erin told him, inhaling a deep breath before telling him the real news. ″And then she asked us whether we want to foster Luke.″

If Erin had expected to see even the tiniest bit of surprise on Hank's face, she would've gotten a huge portion of disappointment here. Instead, a little, knowing smile tugged in the corners of his lips. ″So I guess you need the week off?″ he asked without asking her about the answer they'd given Clara.

″Tuesday and Wednesday yeah, Friday, I don't know yet,″ Erin answered, trying to read his gaze, his mind, his eyes, anything that could give her a hint what he was thinking about this.

″Well, I guess it's a good thing that I already put in a one week furlough for you this morning,″ he smirked.

″What?″ Erin uttered in confusion, furrowing a brow. ″Why would you do that?″

″Because the moment you walked in here with this boy in your arms on Friday night and refused to call DCFS right away I had a pretty got idea how this scenario is going to end,″ he shrugged like it was nothing that he knew her _that_ well.

″I...uh...thank you,″ she breathed out, smiling back at him.

″Sometimes I wish you wouldn't get too involved into things like this because I'm afraid of what it could do to you. But in the end of the day, what you do for Rylie and that boy, it's the right thing. You sitting in front of me, being a badass cop, a married woman and awesome mother being the best reminder for it,″ he said, emotion in his voice as he placed his hand atop of the woman's that had once been his foster daughter, that he'd helped to get clean and to get a better life and had taken under his wing. And though they were not related by blood, this was the best proof for the story of the apple and the tree. Like father, like daughter. Now it was on her to foster a child and help someone to get clean, to get a fresh start and a life that was worth the word, giving back what Hank has taught her over all these years.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey, we're home,″ Jay called when he unlocked the door in the evening, stepping inside the hallway with one wet dog, one wet kid and one dry kid that had been protected by the rain cover over the stroller, he himself feeling like a drowned rat. Erin had brought Rylie to the Center of Hope in the early afternoon and meanwhile the rest of the unit had already solved the case of Tyler Jackson's murder with the arrest of Tyrell and Chase Briggs, the two brothers being not the sharpest tools in the shed as the team had found the murder weapon right on the table when they'd busted into the apartment they shared with two other G-Park gang members.

So he'd used the extra time to pick Emmy, Luke and Crispin up from Carol to go to the park and let a kite fly. He should've known that those strong winds and dark clouds were first indicators of heavy rainfall but they'd had too much fun and so Chicago's unsteady fall weather had caught up on them, those dark clouds opening up while they'd still been in the park three blocks from their house.

″Hey,″ Erin called back from the kitchen where she was preparing pasta with tomato sauce for dinner. ″I was wondering whether you could hide somewhere,″ she chuckled when she saw the four of them walking into the kitchen. She reached for one of the kitchen towels so she could at least dry Crispin a little before he would spread water and leave little puddles everywhere in the house.

″No chance, we just tried to get home as fast as possible but the weather showed no mercy,″ Jay said and handed Emmy to Erin as soon as Crispin was more or less dry. As much as Erin loved their dog, wet dog was one of her least favorite smells in the world.

″You going to help me cooking while daddy and Luke change, bug?″ she asked her daughter, bouncing her on her hip, and removed her light grey beanie before opening the zipper of her purple jacket.

″What are you cooking?″ Luke asked, trying to catch a glimpse into the pots on the stove.

″Pasta with tomato sauce,″ Erin replied, taking the jacket off.

″That's my favorite!″ Luke exclaimed excitedly.

 _I know_ , Erin thought. ″Really? Mine, too!″ she grinned, running her hair through the boy's damp blonde hair. ″So you and Jay should get changed fast, otherwise Emilia and I will eat it alone.″

″Okay,″ he nodded eagerly. ″Come on Jay, quick.″ He reached for Jay's hand and pulled him into the direction of _his_ room, their guest room. Within the next few days the spare bedroom upstairs, that was supposed to become Emilia's playroom but hasn't been a priority so far and was therefore still more or less unfinished - other than the painting on the walls and some moving boxes it was empty - would become his room for the next few weeks. Or longer.

Dinner was ready by the time Jay and Luke had changed into dry clothes and they all settled around the table, the Italian dish satisfying their empty and hungry stomachs.

″Erin, our kite was sooooo high in the sky,″ Luke said somewhen, pointing towards the ceiling with the spoon in his hand, some tomato sauce dropping down on the table and his clothes.

″Hey bud, be careful with that spoon, you're making a mess,″ Erin said and brought his arm back down to the table. ″So, now you can tell me about the kite.″

″It was flying over us and it was higher than the trees,″ he told her excitedly. ″And then a strong wind came and I almost couldn't hold it anymore it. But Jay did.″

″Yep, he almost flew away with the kite,″ Jay grinned, realizing too late that it's been the complete wrong thing to say.

By these words, Luke stopped digging into his food to bring the next spoonful of pasta to his mouth and instead stared at the half-full plate in front of him. When he lifted his gaze to look at Jay, all the excitement about their afternoon adventure was gone, replaced by the sadness they knew too well, sadness no 4-year-old should carry around.

″If I could fly I could visit Ty in heaven,″ he whispered and Erin was sure the entire neighborhood could hear her heart breaking.

″You couldn't,″ she answered, placing her hand on the small of his back in an attempt to comfort him. ″Heaven is too far away and even with a plane you couldn't get there. But remember, he's in your heart, always with you. Just like my mom is in my heart and Jay's mom is in his heart is Ty in your heart.″

″Where's my mommy?″ he asked, those beautiful grey eyes looking and waiting for answers.

 _Well done Erin, best example you could've chosen_ , she scolded herself. Not that it mattered anyway. They had to tell him today. Only that they would've chosen a better moment to tell him than when he was sad and confused already.

″Luke, Jay and I, we talked with your mommy today,″ Erin looked to Jay to reassure herself that they should not come up with another lie but instead confront him with the truth. He slightly nodded his head, encouraging her to continue. ″Your mommy, she is sick and she needs help. She will get better but it needs time and because she doesn't want you to get sick as well, you can't see her for a while. That's why she wants you to stay with me and Jay until she's back.″

Luke's eyes widened in disbelief and more tears were forming in his eyes. ″No!″ he yelled angrily. ″I want to see my mommy! Now!″ he cried.

″I know you do, buddy,″ Erin said quietly, her hand never leaving his back, her palm still drawing circles onto it. ″But you can't see her before she's completely healthy. She'd like to do nothing more than holding you in her arms because she misses you so much.″

″I miss her, too,″ he sobbed. ″I don't want to stay here! I want my mommy.″

″As soon as she gets better you can see her again.″ She abstained from making any promises, tried to tell him that he could only see her again in case she was completely healthy. She wasn't sure whether Luke got that message, most probably not, but at least she wouldn't break a promise in case Rylie didn't make it through the two months of rehab.

″But you know what even sick people can do?″ Erin asked him. ″They can call.″

Luke lifted his head, suppressed another sob and looked at her with tear-stained eyes, his full attention on her now, quiet sobs he tried to suppress but couldn't still shaking his body.

″Your mommy will call you later. And you can talk to her and tell her about the kite and the zoo you built today. I bet that will help her to get healthy.″

″Yeah?″ he sniffed.

″Of course. Listening to your voice and hearing you talk about all your adventures will help. Knowing that you're fine will be good for her,″ she smiled at the little boy.

″Okay,″ he nodded, looking from Erin to Jay all insecure. ″Can I also tell her about Crispin?″ he asked shyly.

Jay couldn't help but grin by this question, a wave of relief overcoming him as this hadn't been as heartbreaking and hard as expected. So far. Placing his hand on Luke's back as well, he said: ″Absolutely.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It wasn't until later that night, until they lay in the darkness of their bedroom with none of them able to sleep, that all the happenings and decisions of the day really started to settle. The moment they'd agreed on fostering Luke, they knew their life would change drastically but although they'd talked the possibility of adopting Luke at some point through, they might have underestimated how drastically their life would change and how much more of a chaos it would be, what an adjustment it would be for all of them.

"Do you think we're crazy?" Erin whispered into the darkness shortly after midnight, knowing by Jay's tossing and turning that he was awake as well and probably dealing with similar thoughts.

"Of course we are," he chuckled slightly and turned around so he could offer her his arm. Of course she immediately snuggled into his side, seeking solace in his embrace.

"In a positive or negative way?" she asked.

"Well, I guess that's on us to decide," he answered. "I'd say we're crazy in a right way." He's thought a lot about their decision and all the possible consquences for their life in the last few hours and had decided, that no matter how crazy it was, it was still the right thing.

"Yeah," she answered pensively.

"It will be an adjustment Erin. A challenge. And there will be days when we call our decision into question. But in the end of the day, what matters most is that little boy who sleeps downstairs and he's worth any challenge and adjustment."

"He is," Erin agreed, a faint smile tugging in the corners of her lips. "I've just been wondering...we had so many life-changing events within such a short amount of time...and now we add another one like it's nothing. I mean, how many of these events can a normal relationship possibly handle?"

"Not too many, probably," Jay said, pulling her even closer before speaking out his next words. "But you forget one important thing here, babe. You and me, that's not just a normal relationship. Our relationship is as crazy as we are, as strong as we are and as special as we are," he grinned. "So this is the exact right decision for us because _we_ can handle whatever life requires us to handle," he added and kissed her forehead. "More than once I told you that I believe everything in life happens for a reason. And we might not know it now, but there's a reason why Luke came into our life and the day will come that we realize why..."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	75. Chaos Theory

**Thanks for your reviews and support and happy holidays y'all! :)**

* * *

 **75\. Chaos Theory**

The difference between having one kid and two? Basically there was simply one person more now. One person more that demanded their attention, that contributed to their laundry hampers filling even faster, the mess of spreaded toys being bigger and that made them feel like they had even less time for each other. Only one person more but so many, almost countless points to add to their personal chaos theory.

Even after almost two weeks of Luke living with them, they were far from being all settled and sometimes they asked themselves how they still managed it not to live in a complete chaos, how they managed it to make it from dusk to dawn without going nuts. After spending the first week at home, Erin has returned to work the hours she'd also worked before Luke has joined their family, the young boy spending the days she was in the bullpen with Carol, just like Emmy. But as the older woman was taking care of their 8-month-old and the 1-year old Adeline, Luke didn't really fit into this group and Erin and Jay have decided to get him into preschool, where he could go as from next week thanks to the help from Clara who'd pulled some strings and organized a spot for him.

Rylie's condition in rehab has meanwhile progressed steadily and after a meltdown on the third day, where she'd called Erin and apologized to disappoint her because she couldn't do this and Erin was the better mother for Luke anyway, could provide him a better life than she could ever give him, that she had to get out of there because the walls were closing in around her and swallowing her whole, she was back on track now. Erin had rushed to the facility back then, reminding the young girl what she was doing this for, that giving up was the worst out of all options and that she only had to get through this first hard week of withdrawal symptoms before it would get easier, her own experience talking, this experience that connected them both.

This had been the only time Rylie was close to quit and throwing it all away but ever since she's made progress, attending every program the facility offered, sports, cooking classes and any other classes that should help those young people to be able to manage their lives at some point, to deal with difficulties and situations that could bring them close to relapse. Erin was visiting her once a week, listening to her talking about her new daily life and telling her about Luke, whom Rylie called two times a week, in exchange.

It were bare feet padding over the wooden floor of their bedroom followed by someone opening their French window and a muffled voice that let Erin's eyes fly open in the very, very early hours on a Sunday morning in mid-October, the darkness still surrounding them, the whole city covered in mist. She forced her heavy, sleepy eyelids to open, her hand automatically reaching for Jay but instead of finding the warmth of his body, she reached for nothing. She blinked some times to clear her vision, the green letters of her alarm-clock showing 3.52am. With a sigh, she brought herself into a more upright position, her eyes finding Jay, who was wearing a hoddie and his long pajama pants, and Emilia, who was wrapped in her favorite cozy grey-and-white blanket, standing on their balcony, illuminated by the little bit of moonlight that shined through the mist, Jay whispering things into Emmy's ear. She watched the two of them for a moment, how he softly kissed her head and rubbed her back all gentle, always moving from one foot to the other to cradle her back to sleep. She knew these were the moments Jay lived for. He wasn't allowed to spend as much time with his daughter as needed, his job preventing him from being that kind of father he actually wanted to be, so he fully enjoyed this rare time he had with her, no matter whether it was barely 4am in the morning.

She didn't want to ruin this precious moment between father and daughter but then again she just wanted to wrap her arms around him and Emmy from behind and nestle her head against his strong back, holding her two favorites close because these moments were just as rare. She decided to stare at them for a little longer because she could simply watch them all night and then untangled herself from the comforter to join them.

″Hey you two,″ she whispered when she stepped out on the balcony, the cold air letting her shiver, her breath visible in the dark night.

″Hey,″ Jay murmured and turned around to her, Emilia sleeping against his chest, all swaddled up in her blanket, her hand in front of her mouth. It were moments like this when she still looked like a baby, her features so soft and innocent and angelic, when most of the time she more and more started to look like a toddler, especially when she was wearing jeans and a shirt and pulling herself up everywhere all alone, smiling at her parents all proud and being up to trouble anytime.

″What are you guys doing?″ she asked quietly, her hand stroking over Emilia's hair lovingly.

″I heard her whining on the baby monitor...-″

″She was whining?″ Erin asked. ″Geeez, I guess I was completely out,″ she chuckled.

″It was really quiet and I only heard it because I was in the bathroom 10 minutes earlier, so I wasn't really sleeping,″ Jay winked. ″I went to check on her and she seemed a little fussy. I tried to rock her back to sleep in the rocking chair but she still wouldn't settle, so I decided fresh air always helps. I told her about the moon and the stars and the fog and boom, she was asleep. Guess she was bored out of her mind,″ he grinned.

″As long as it helps,″ Erin shrugged smirkingly, shuddering a little as a fresh breeze was blowing through the trees, the foliage in their backyard rustling.

″Go back inside before you get sick,″ Jay said, seeing the goosebumps all over her bare arms and legs.

″It's not that warm there without you either,″ she grinned tiredly but retreated to the bedroom anyway as the temperatures outside were anything but enjoyable. And the last thing she needed was getting sick, probably passing any kind of virus on to either Luke or Emilia, or worse, to both of them at the same time.

″I'll just tuck her in and then I'll come to warm you up,″ Jay smirked, hints of husk and tease in his voice.

″I count on that,″ she chuckled and while she made herself comfortable in their bed again, Jay brought Emmy into her room, where Crispin was sleeping in his bed next to Emmy's crib, and tucked his princess in, giving her a kiss on the forehead before he left.

With Erin all snuggled up to him, they lay in the darkness of their bedroom for a while, none of them sleeping but none of them talking either as they just enjoyed the closeness, the feeling of skin against skin as her head and hand rested on his now-bare chest and stomach and his hand on the small of her back under her shirt that had used to be his a long time ago and was now Erin's favorite piece of clothing to sleep in.

″This feels like the first time in two weeks that we have more than five minutes with each other,″ Erin somewhen murmured against his chest, her fingers stroking over his stomach absently.

″This _is_ the first time in two weeks that we have more than five minutes with each other,″ Jay laughed. Those last two weeks since Luke has joined them had been insane as they'd not only adjusted to their new family dynamics but he'd also worked a lot of night shifts plus the previous weekend and most evenings respectively nights they were falling into bed completely beat. Two kids really were a different challenge than just one, especially when one of them was constantly trying to pull herself up everywhere and you always had to keep an eye on her and the other was an energetic 4-year-old that loved to run around and could be quite loud sometimes.

″Huh,″ she breathed out. ″You know what I wondered?″

″Uhm...no...what?″

″Why are there so many families with more than two kids? I mean, how do they even have time to...make more?″ Erin chuckled slightly but enough that there was this sexy rasp.

″So that's what my wife thinks about at 4am in the morning,″ Jay laughed. ″That's interesting.″

″You're an idiot,″ she smirked back at him. ″I'm not thinking about that...I'm _just_ wondering,″ she chuckled innocently.

″Whatever the difference might be,″ he laughed. ″But to answer your question, I guess...″ he added, changing their position a little with one fast move and bringing his lips close to hers. ″They just make the best out of this time in the middle of the night, when the kids are back to sleep after they woke them up before.″

″Do they?″ Erin asked, raising her eyebrow coquettishly.

″Definitely.″ It was more of a low growl, the passion and lust evident in his eyes and he crashed his lips against hers, only breaking the kiss when they both had to take a breath as they were close to suffocating.

″I think we should try that,″ she said, her voice low and breathless. It were the last words spoken in their master bedroom before exclamations of love and lust and desire took over.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Mamama,″ Emmy babbled excitedly when Erin walked into her nursery on the Thursday morning that followed their early Sunday morning bed antics. Jay'd been called to a crime scene at 5.30 this morning and regardless that this was her day off, the only day in the week she still had completely off, she's been up since then as well, trying to get as many things done before Emmy and Luke woke up. She'd figured that this was the way mothers that had more than one child got their things done. Getting up early and going to bed late, doing everything that had to be done when the little ones were already or still dreaming the sweetest dreams.

″Hey bug,″ Erin smiled at her little girl, her mini-me with Jay's blue eyes, though hers were even lighter, and the smile that was the perfect mix of both of theirs. ″How was your night?″ she asked her when she scooped her up into her arms, giving her a good morning kiss on the cheek.

″What do you want to do this morning? Building some towers? Making a puzzle? Playing with your stacking box?″ She placed her down on the changing table to change her diaper and dress her in other clothes, colorful leggins, slip-resistant socks and a shirt and then helped her to stand on her own feet in the end by only holding her tiny hands.

″I guess it won't be long now and you can do this on your own,″ Erin sighed, smiling sadly at her 8-and-a-half month-old baby girl. She was waiting for the day Emmy would be able to stand without holding herself anywhere and she sensed that this day wasn't that far away anymore, Emilia getting more and more balance every day. The fact how fast time has passed ever since Emilia's birth made her quite melancholic and emotional as she wanted to enjoy all those precious moments longer, didn't want them to be over in a heartbeat. While it was sad to see all these milestones happening rapidly, it was definitely amazing to see how her own personality grew every day and Erin's wishes, that she would be more like Jay, all calm, didn't seem to come true as it looked like their wild child has inherited most of Erin's character.

″You know, sweetheart,″ she whispered and picked her up. ″One year ago you were in my belly, kicking so hard and playing soccer with my bladder. You were so small but so strong,″ she chuckled slightly, remembering the times, especially the nights, when those strong and targeted kicks had kept her from sleeping. ″I didn't know how it would be to be a mother, to have you here. But you know what? You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you so much, you can't imagine,″ she said quietly, emotionally, and pressed another kiss on her daughter's head, Emilia looking at her with those bright blue eyes. ″If only you could slow that growing-up process down a little, that would be awesome.″

″Mamama,″ Emmy babbled again, her hands reaching for Erin's face.

″Well,″ Erin laughed. ″But then again it's just cool that you know who I am, so I guess I'm a little torn whether I want you to stay my baby or grow up,″ she said, kissed Emilia's tiny fingers and then carried her downstairs to put her into her playpen so she could wake up Luke and start her day as a housewife and a mother of two.

It was later in the morning, shortly before she wanted to prepare a quick lunch for herself and Luke and heat up Emmy's pulp, while she was sitting on some playmats on the floor in the living room with Emmy and Luke, toys spread around them everywhere, railroad tracks built through the whole room, when she heard a key turning in the lock followed by the door opening and not one pair of feet but rather two stepping into the hallway.

″Yo Linds,″ she heard Kevin's voice call her by the nickname that has stayed despite her not being Lindsay anymore. But probably the fact that she was still Erin Lindsay at work was enough for Kevin and Adam to still call her by the nickname they'd given her at some point years ago.

″Kevin?″ Erin frowned and picked Emmy up from her lap to place her next to Crispin so she could get up and find out why her colleague had just entered their house with a key.

″What's going o-″ she wanted to ask but as soon as she was in the hallway, her eyes falling on Kevin and Jay, this question was forgotten and she knew why Kevin was accompanying him. ″Oh my God, what happened?″ she exclaimed, her eyes widening and her heart beating in her throat as she looked at her husband, who was holding his arm and hand in front of his torso just where his ribcage was, pain written across his face, a small cleaned up wound just above his left eyebrow.

″It's nothing bad,″ Jay said instantly, trying to calm her down as good as she could but the color didn't return to her face by his words.

″Your husband thought he's a wrestler now,″ Kevin explained with a little grin. ″The suspect he tried to catch showed him he isn't.″

″I'm a man with many talents but wrestling isn't one of them,″ Jay laughed but stopped instantly by the sharp pain it caused in his torso, a painful gasp instead leaving his lips.

″Hank ordered that he should get checked at Med and it turned out he has two partially broken ribs, nothing serious,″ Kevin said like it wasn't a big deal when for Erin it definitely was.

″You were at Med already? Why didn't you call me?″ she asked incredulously, her question directed at Jay. ″Or anyone else for that matter?″ she added, looking at her colleague now with more than just a bit of reproach in her eyes. Her husband had been injured in the line of duty and had been at the hospital and no one had cared to call her when she was the first person who needed to know about such an incident.

″Babe,″ Jay said, his voice soothing and soft, and he left his spot next to Kevin to get closer to Erin. ″I didn't want you to rush to the hospital with two kids just because of two partially broken ribs. They made an x-ray, gave me some painkillers I denied to take, put me on medical leave until Monday and told me to come back then for a quick check before I get back to work on Tuesday. I'm fine.″ He covered her cheeks with his palms and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

″You should've called me,″ she murmured, her forehead resting against his lips, this little bit of contact with him helping her heartbeat to go back to its usual pace and the sick feeling in her stomach to leave. Just when she'd thought their personal chaos theory couldn't possibly be extended any more, her husband came home from work injured with two broken ribs.

″Would you have called me?″ he asked back, his fingers traveling under her chin so he could make her looking at him when she was giving him an answer.

″Uhm,″ she stammered, biting her lower lip to avoid an innocent grin. ″Probably not.″

″See,″ he winked, trying to give her one of his famous smiles that didn't come as easy with the pain in his torso.

″Let's get you on the couch,″ Erin said, scanning him sternly as she'd of course recognized his forced smile, but then reconsidered her words, having her chaos theory in mind. ″Or let's better bring you to bed, not that Luke jumps on you or something.″

″Not the worst idea I guess,″ Jay agreed. He didn't feel especially bad but there was no need to risk it getting worse and his partially cracked ribs didn't need to break completely.

″Maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea to take those pain meds either, huh?″ she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

″You need my help to bring your wounded soldier upstairs?″ Kevin asked, interrupting their moment as he started to feel a little awkward.

″I think we'll get it handled, but thanks Kevin,″ Erin smiled at him thankfully. ″And thanks for brining him home.″

″No worries. Get well soon, bro,″ he said and gave Jay a light pat on the back. ″Take good care of him, Linds.″

″Of course I will. See you tomorrow,″ she replied just before Kevin left.

When she helped Jay to change his clothes into something more comfortable, she saw the bruises along his ribcage and one part of her wondered what exactly had happened at the scene while the other part simply didn't want to know, not even imagine what had gone down earlier and that it could've ended entirely different. And all those what-if-possibilities were definitely something she shouldn't even let come close, should ban from her mind. But this was easier said than done and once more she got reminded how dangerous their jobs acutally were and that something could happen anytime.

Once he was all settled against a pile of pillows, she brought him a glass of water and insisted on him taking the Ibuprofen Will had given him at Med, telling him that otherwise she would mix it into his food later, just like parents did it when their children didn't want to take their medicine. Sensing that he had no chance to argue here, he agreed on taking them, knowing that he would want Erin to do the same if the situation was the other way around. In the end of the day, they always worried about the other and only wanted the best for the other, so taking them would not only help to keep the pain within limits but it would also help Erin to calm down.

″How was your food?″ she asked when she came in after his late lunch to collect his empty plate, carrying their tired-looking daughter on her hip.

″Delicious,″ he winked. ″Come here you two.″

Erin sat down on the edge of the bed, Emilia hiding her head against her chest. ″You look tired,″ she said to Jay, reaching out to stroke over his cheek with the hand that wasn't holding Emmy close to her body.

″I kinda am,″ he admitted, the painkillers in his system combined with a full stomach making him sleepy.

″Then you should sleep,″ Erin tried to smile but concern was still on her face. ″How about I leave you this monkey and you two take a nap together while Luke and I go grocery shopping?″

″I think I would like that,″ Jay grinned like a Chesire Cat. If he was on medical leave, he could at least try to make the most of it by spending as much time with his family as possible.

″Alright, here you go,″ she said and placed Emilia on his side.

″Hey princess,″ Jay whispered and pulled her a little closer so she was all snuggled up to him without that it hurt his damaged ribs, his arm holding her close and safe to his body.

″Have a good sleep,″ Erin smiled and pulled the comforter up a little so they were both covered. Leaning in carefully, she placed a soft kiss on Jay's lips for goodbye and smiled again as she left the room and her eyes fell on her two favorite people when she turned around in the doorway. Daddy and his girl. It was only sad to think about the fact that it required Jay to be injured that he could enjoy fatherhood in this way.

″Come on princess, close those eyes, I see you're tired,″ Jay whispered lovingly, Emilia staring up at him with tired eyes, her eyelids with those long lashes opening and closing slowly.

″Do you want daddy to tell you a story? Or should we just try to play a game who's asleep faster?″ he asked her, his voice all soft. ″I think you would probably beat me on that, what do you think? You or me?″ he chuckled slightly. ″I don't want to sing you a lullaby but you know what my mom always did when I couldn't sleep? She would lie down with me and we would stare to the ceiling and count sheep. She would always beat me because I couldn't even reach 100 and was out,″ he smiled, memories from all those years ago flooding his mind.

″So let's look up there and start counting them...one sheep, two sheep, three sheep...″ he started to count quietly. Reaching twenty, he looked down at his daughter again and found her sleeping peacefully, probably dreaming about sheep.

″Sweet dreams, bug,″ he whispered before he closed his eyes as well, sleep taking over not only five minutes later.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The night didn't turn out to be as painful as expected, the Ibuprofen doing its job quite well and even letting him sleep through most parts of the night as it only hurt when he tried to change his position. So he felt quite well rested on Friday morning and insisted on Erin not bringing the kids to Carol while she would go to work for the whole day but taking care of them himself.

″You sure carrying Emmy around isn't too much?″ she asked when they were in the kitchen, filling their bowls with granola and milk, their coffees already waiting for them on the table.

″She weighs like 16 pounds. That's not too much,″ he tried to convince her. ″I brought her to bed last night and it didn't hurt too much. I helped you to cook and it was okay as well. I'm fine, babe.″

″Huh,″ she sighed. ″But only carry Emmy, not Luke. Don't do any housework that could make it worse and just try to take it easy, okay?″

″Uhm...I was actually thinking about doing something special with them,″ Jay smirked innocently.

″What would that be?″ Erin frowned.

″As from Monday, Luke will go to preschool, so I thought to take them to the Aquarium and afterwards walk to that playground near Millenium Park, eat some ice cream and hotdogs,″ he explained, Erin seeing the excitement in his eyes. This was the kind of dad he wanted to be, doing cool stuff with his kids on a weekday and just having time for them.

″Babe, you almost broke two ribs yesterday, so I don't know whether this is such a brilliant idea. I know you'd love to do that but...-″

″Er,″ he whispered, covering her cheek with his hand. ″I'm fine. A lot better than yesterday. The pain is okay and I will keep taking Ibuprofen for the rest of the day. We'll be back by the afternoon, then I will tuck them both in for a nap and rest myself. We'll take Crisp with us as well. He'll stay in the car while we're at the Aquarium but he'll have the best time in the park and at the playground so there's no need to go for a walk with him before the evening and I can relax. And I was thinking about asking my dad whether he has nothing better to do and wants to join us.″

″You figured that plan out pretty well, didn't you?″ Erin chuckled slightly.

″I had quite some time yesterday afternoon when my wife put me on bedrest, yeah,″ he winked.

″So I'm the one to blame for you creating these kind of ideas, huh?″

″Basically,″ he nodded deadpan. ″I'm innocent. As always.″

″Of course you are,″ she laughed, punching her fist against his shoulder softly.

″So?″ he asked, looking at her with big puppy-eyes, knowing exactly that she didn't have a chance against this glance. And Erin honestly didn't want to ruin this perfectly planed day for him.

″Promise me to take it easy, okay?″ she asked. ″If you start feeling worse, text me. Don't try to be a hero and brush any kind of pain off because we have that no-hospitals-deal and I think two months of none of us using a bed there isn't what we agreed on.″

″I promise,″ Jay whispered in response, kissing her lips softly and hoping that he could kiss those worried eyes away. Looking at her again afterwards, there was at least a faint smile tugging in the corners of her lips but her eyes were still as worried. Naturally.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″What are you smiling at, Erin?″ Antonio asked while they were all sitting on their desks and enjoying their lunch just after 1pm on a particular low day.

″Jay just sent me a couple of photos,″ she grinned back at her colleague and got up to sit down on the edge of his desk to show him the photos Jay'd sent her fifteen minutes ago. One was a selfie of him, Emmy, Luke and Robert at the Aquarium, a shark swimming behind them, Jay and Luke making some silly faces. The second one was another selfie from him, Luke and Robert eating hotdogs while the third one was Emilia sleeping in her stroller and the last one was Crispin lying next to the stroller in front of him, watching Luke on the monkeybars in the background.

″Seems like they're having a blast,″ Antonio noticed. ″Maybe I should try to wrestle, too, if this is what medical leave looks like,″ he laughed.

″You need some broken ribs? Just let me know, I know a guy, makes it for free,″ Kevin joined their conversation.

″Thanks bro, I'll let you know in case I ever need his services,″ he laughed.

″Or in case Jay needs it again for more vacation days,″ Kevin winked at Erin.

″You're an idiot,″ she laughed.

″Good to know that he's doing good, I was already afraid our World-Series-Evening in his mancave on Sunday has to be cancelled,″ Adam said. ″I was waiting for the day Erin brings me beer and chips and popcorn...″ he added, a dorky grin on his face.

″Ruze, you're lucky if I let you in my house and don't suddenly decide to let you rather stay on the doorstep, so be careful,″ she smirked sweetly, giving him a little wink before she got up from the edge of Antonio's desk to bring her plate to the dishwasher in the break room.

She was halfway there when Hank stormed out of his office like he was hunted by a couple of grizzlies and yelled with his trademark voice: ″Everybody vest up! Now!″

″What happened, boss?″ Adam asked, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich down.

″Shooting spree at the Maggie Daley Park,″ he answered. ″It's a massacre.″

By these words, Erin's heart literally stopped beating and her plate fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces and in a heartbeat, all eyes were on her but they didn't see the woman who'd joked with them not even 60 seconds ago. They saw a woman who was as white as a ghost, her eyes empty but yet full of panic, her breathing quickening and shortly before hyperventilating.

″Erin!″ Hank called and rushed to her side, holding her as it seemed like she would double over any second. ″What's wrong?″ he asked, everyone around moving and slipping into jackets while looking at her and waiting for answers.

″They are there,″ she whispered, her voice full of fear. ″Jay...and the kids...they are there.″

And just like that it was dead silent...

* * *

 **No matter the ending, please review and let me know what you think...**


	76. Lifesaver

**Sorry for putting you through this cliffhanger (I know it was eeeeevil) but here comes the chapter you've been waiting for...**

* * *

 **76\. Lifesaver**

There were two scenarios of time standing still. Number one was when something extremely positive and joyful happened and a moment just felt all sorts of unreal and too good and beautiful to be true. Number two was when something extremely negative happened, something that ripped your heart out of your chest and splitted you in two, panic creeping up inside of you, the air trapping in your lungs, the whole universe closing in around you, everyone around you moving while you stood there, unable to move, to think, to speak, to breathe, all those moments of time standing still in the most positive way flashing right in front of your eyes. Moments that could probably never be repeated again and would soon only be memories from a time when life had been wonderful. From before. Before some psychos had run into Maggie Daley Park to shoot innocent children and their parents that just wanted to enjoy a beautiful fall day there. Before there had been a shooting spree at one of Chicago's biggest playgrounds, leaving a massacre and countless victims behind. Before you had probably lost someone you loved with all your heart, someone who was the reason you lived for.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Hank's Escalade speeded through the side roads of Chicago to get to Maggie Daley Park as fast as possible, the main roads full of cars, panicked drivers trying to turn around before getting to close to the area where the shooting spree had happened, creating an absolute chaos by doing so and keeping first responders from getting to the location as fast as possible. Erin was sitting on the passenger's seat, her facial color still resembling the one of a ghost, and frantically tried to call Jay. But neither did she even get connected, nor did any message she wrote him go out. The service was completely down as too many people tried to reach the people they loved, the people that would probably never be able to answer any phone call or text message ever again.

Over their radios they constantly got new information. Information Erin tried not to listen to but she couldn't turn her hearing off like some light and so she heard about all the horrifying things first hand. They were talking about lots of bodies and called for more ambulances and helicopters as they had too many victims with shooting wounds and too few medical people around that could keep those who were badly injured from dying. So far, they'd declared 13 dead, without saying whether it were children or adults, and countless with bad injuries that could turn fatal quickly, letting those number of dead people rise even further. The shooters seemed to be on the run and whichever police officer was not needed on the scene was out looking for the two shooters so they couldn't continue their shooting spree through Chicago downtown to take many more innocent lives.

″They'll be alright, kiddo,″ Hank said, reaching for her shaking hand to squeeze it and give her the comfort his voice couldn't as it sounded like a desperate wish and nothing he was totally convinced of. Because how could he possibly be convinced that his son-in-law, his granddaughter and his foster-grandson were not some of the victims? All he could do was hoping that tragedy hadn't caught up on Erin once more and trying to stay positive for her sake although it wouldn't change anything for her right now. He knew she was at a different place, one she shouldn't be at, dealing with things she shouldn't be faced to deal with.

Erin didn't answer anything, only nodded her head mechanically as she tried to keep herself under control, telling herself over and over again that Jay, Emilia, Luke and Robert were not amongst those who'd caught a deadly bullet, that they hadn't caught a bullet at all and were fine. Rattled and shocked but fine. But how high were the chances for such a scenario really? For sure smaller than the chance that fate was throwing another rock at her by robbing her of her family, taking away everything good in her life. Different to all the things life had thrown at her before, losing Emmy and Jay was something she could and would never recover from and somebody could just simply take her life then as well.

The thoughts of what she would see at the scene made her stomach turn in one never-ending circle but she'd insisted on coming along as she couldn't stay back at the 21st, waiting for someone to deliver her the news no one deserved to receive. She had to be there, had to be involved, had to find Jay, Emmy, Luke, Crispin and Robert, had to wrap her arms around them and hold them close, feel them all breathing against her body. If they were indeed still breathing and not amongst those whose bodies were covered by some blankets and body bags.

Pictures flooded her mind, cruel pictures that shouldn't be there but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't do anything against it, couldn't hold them back as she saw Jay and Emmy lying on the ground in their own blood, their blue eyes wide open, bullet wounds to their heads and chests, their lives gone, taken by some psychos, only leaving their bodies behind. By these thoughts and pictures, she couldn't hold the feeling of nausea down any longer that had settled in her stomach the moment the plate had fallen to the ground and her heart had stopped beating.

″Pull over,″ she managed to say through gritted teeth, her breathing heavy yet too fast and Hank only looked at her for a second before he slammed on the breaks just in time for her to jump out of the car and empty the contents of her stomach on the side of the road.

″Erin!″ Hank called and jumped out of the car as well to be by her side, his hand finding a spot on her back in an attempt to comfort and calm her. ″They'll be okay,″ he helplessly said once more, trying to keep his own fear down so he could be strong for her and handed her a tissue so she could clean her mouth.

She turned her head to him, her forehead covered in cold sweat and she glanced at him like she's never had before, with eyes full of fear and doubt and something else: grief. Grief for what she was very sure she'd lost although she didn't know anything so far. ″And if not?″ she asked back weakly, her voice barely a whisper and without waiting for an answer, she walked past him and took the spot on the passenger's seat again.

Not that Hank could've given her an answer anyway.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Massacre was an understatement for what the Intelligence Unit and any other cop on scene had to deal with. Bullets, blood and bodies all over the playground, dozens of paramedics trying to safe lives, firemen taking care of those who weren't as badly injured and of those who were under shock, psychologists taking care of those who'd lost a child or a parent.

″Jay!″ Erin yelled as soon as she was out of the car, running across the playground without waiting for any instructions or anyone to follow.

″Spread out,″ Hank told the rest of the unit, Erin's heartbreaking calls for her family hearable in the distance. ″Al, I want you to follow Erin.″

″Sarge, what if...?″ Kevin asked quietly, not daring to speak out loud the option of them finding their colleague and friend and the little girl, Hank considered his granddaughter and they all loved like their own, dead.

″Hey! Jay's fine, okay?″ Antonio called. ″He'll be back with Erin tonight and back with us next week. And the same goes for Emilia.″

″Everything goes through me,″ Hank answered Kevin's question. ″Let's all just pray there's nothing that has to go through me,″ he added and towards the end his voice almost broke, the emotions evident in his face and voice and everyone nodded silently, praying inwardly that they didn't have to tell their boss that they'd found his granddaughter's and son-in-law's lifeless bodies.

″Let's go,″ Antonio said and gave his younger colleague a pat on the back. ″Once we found Jay, we'll start investigating and talk to witnesses. Alright?″ he asked, still trying to stay positive and looked at his boss to make sure that it was in his interest that he was taking the lead on this one.

″Yeah, that's what we'll do,″ Hank agreed, giving the younger detective an appreciative nod.

While the unit was spreading out to look for their own, Erin was already running over the playground, screaming Jay's name but so far, she hasn't gotten any answer, only some compassionate glances from paramedics and firemen that were taking care of victims and saw her running around and screaming for her family desperately. Pulling the sheet back to see the person or child whose dead body was covered always made the air trap in her lungs and once the body was revealed and she realized that it was neither Jay nor Emmy, Luke or Robert, her heart was breaking for those who'd lost a loved one but at the same time starting to beat again as there was hope that her own loved ones were still alive. Though she knew very well that not finding them here didn't mean that they weren't already on the way to one of the city's hospitals with a bullet in their body, one of the doctors later telling her that they were sorry but that there was nothing they could've done anymore.

″Oh my God,″ she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand when pulling back the sheet revealed the dead body of a little girl that wasn't older than three years, her teddy bear lying next to her in a puddle of blood.

″Erin, come on,″ Alvin said and got down on his knees as well, placing his hand on the small of her back. ″Don't look at this too long. It only destroys you.″

″When her parents dressed her in these clothes this morning, they didn't think she would die in them,″ she said quietly, her eyes, that were full of tears, staring at the adorable dress the girl was wearing. ″When I said goodbye to Jay and Emmy this morning, I didn't think I wouldn't...-″ she added, her voice breaking by a sob before she could speak her thought out loud.

″Don't, Erin,″ Al said and got up, pulling her up as well. ″Don't do this to yourself. We'll find them, okay?″

″Yeah,″ she nodded and wiped her tears away with her hands before turning around and running into the direction she hasn't been so far, Al following her but giving her some space.

″Jay!″ she screamed once more although with helicopters flying over them, sirens of ambulances, fire trucks and police cars everywhere and dozens of people that called different things, chances were slim that he would hear her screaming his name in case he was anywhere near.

″Jay!″ she called again, wheezing heavily, the world around her spinning from running and screaming and everything she saw, her lungs not doing the best job anyway as she felt another panic attack coming up that she tried to suppress.

She rounded a corner and got to the area where the climbing walls were and when her eyes fell on the scenery in the distance, the scenery that made her stop in her tracks, she wasn't sure whether she was hallucinating, her brain playing with her as she was close to collapsing, her knees as weak as they could get. Maybe it was just wishful thinking and her eyes showed her what she desperately wanted to see, but then again, she would recognize this silhouette from a million.

″Jay!″ she yelled, nervousness crawling up inside of her and almost making her throw up again. She ignored it, gulped it down and started to run even faster, right into the direction where the man she loved was kneeling on the ground with two paramedics and doing CPR on what seemed to be a little girl, around 5 years old.

″Jay!″ she called again, a whole lot of desperation still in her voice, and finally he lifted his head as he heard her panicked voice. Things seemed to happen in slow-motion and she saw how he exchanged a couple of words with the paramedics, probably that they should take over, and got up, running into her direction while holding his hurting ribs with his hand, her own vision blurred by the tears of relief that were welling in her eyes.

She didn't care about his hands that were covered in a terrifying amount of blood and when she was close enough she collapsed right into his arms to seek the long awaited solace, sobbing uncontrolledly as he pulled her close against his body, as she wrapped her own arms around him, her fingers holding onto the fabric of his henley frantically as if he would disappear if she didn't hold him. He kissed her hair soothingly and she buried her head under his chin as she continued to sob, tears running down her cheeks like water the Niagara Falls.

″I thought...″ she murmured against his chest where his heart beat right next to her ear so she could feel and hear it, her own heartbeat coming back with every thud of his heart.

″I know,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her forehead, the feeling of his lips against her skin giving her comfort. ″We're all fine.″

″Where are Emmy, Luke, Robert and Crisp?″ she asked, her voice still shaking and her head not yet leaving the safe spot on his chest.

″Dad's on the way home with them. They're all fine,″ he assured her again.

″But how?″ she asked and lifted her head to look at him. She had so many questions though right now nothing really mattered other than that the man she loved was holding her in his strong arms.

″We had a lifesaver called-″ he started to tell her but got interrupted by one of the paramedics calling for him.

″We have a heartbeat!″ he shouted. ″You wanna come along?″

″Yeah, I'm coming,″ he called back, pulling Erin with him to where the ambulance was, the brunette turning her head around again, only now remembering that Alvin had accompanied her. The older detective gave her a relieved smile and she was able to smile back at him, giving him a thumbs up in addition and she could see how he reached for his radio to deliver the news the rest of the unit's prayed to hear.

″Will she make it?″ Jay asked when they loaded the young, intubated girl into the ambulance, her clothes covered in blood.

″We have to wait and see how big the damage is but right now I'd say you saved this girl's life,″ the paramedic said. ″Hell of a job, Sir.″

″Uh...yeah,″ Jay nodded almost absently. ″Too many I couldn't save,″ he added quietly, only loud enough for Erin to hear.

″Hey, there was no way you could've saved all of these people,″ Erin said softly and just as quiet and only as she looked at him now, without tears in her eyes and with slowly calming down, she saw that something in his face had changed compared to his usual facial expressions and it seemed like there was a shadow on it, his eyes hard yet full of silent pain. And it wasn't the kind of pain he probably was in because he'd done CPR for so long, bringing his damaged torso to its limits. It was a different kind of pain, one that somehow scared her even more.

″Didn't necessarily mean today,″ Jay shrugged and glanced at her only for a second, but long enough for Erin to get an idea what was going on, before following the paramedic into the ambulance so they could finally drive off, Erin following him, her eyes scanning him sternly.

Everything that had happened today, has triggered something inside of him. Something from a long time ago. Something she thought he'd come to terms with. Something they together haven't really dealt with so far as it's seldomly been an issue, as this was one of the things he tended to keep deep down inside just like she'd done with some things in the past. But being involved into this massacre today, that totally could be described as a warzone with bodies and bullets everywhere, being one of the first to help, trying to save lives, has brought up all sorts of dark memories and feelings from the time when he'd been in an actual warzone and seeing and witnessing things and situations like this had been his daily life.

Instead of telling him that he shouldn't do this to himself, which she knew wouldn't change anything, she chose her words advisedly, her hand resting on his shoulder as they sat tightly in the back of the ambulance, the paramedic occupied with the girl and not paying attention to their murmured conversation, the beeping of the machines swallowing their words anyway. ″Jay, whatever it is that you carry around, just know that I'll be there whenever you feel like you can't carry it alone anymore.″

He turned her head to her, his eyes not even showing the tiniest bit of surprise that she knew what he was going through right now, and instead those blue orbs softened, looking a little more like she used to know them though this pain she didn't like to see and pulled on her heartstrings was still there.

″I know,″ was all he answered but the squeeze he gave her hand with his own should assure her that he was thankful for her being there and that he would come to her whenever he was ready.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Dad just called,″ Jay said when he sat down next to her, handing her one of the coffees-to-go he'd brought from the cafeteria. They were in the waiting area of the Rush Hospital as Jay wanted to wait for the doctors that were operating the little girl to tell him that she was going to make it. They'd told him that the surgery could take hours but he'd insisted to stay anyway and of course Erin had agreed to stay with him though she wanted nothing more than going home to Luke and Emmy with him, especially after the emotional rollercoaster she's been through today. But he shouldn't be alone right now and making sure that the girl was alright was important for him and so it was for her, even without knowing the whole story.

″Emmy is sleeping and he allowed Luke to watch a movie, so they're watching Ratatouille right now.″

″That's good,″ Erin answered, sipping on her coffee only to burn her tongue and then rested her head against his upper arm and shoulder. ″I don't think I was ever as scared in my life as I was today,″ she admitted quietly and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull her closer, pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

″I'm sorry you had to go through this,″ he said.

″No, I'm sorry _you_ had to go through this.″ She tried to emphasize certain words but actually she was sure that he'd understood what she meant anyway because his whole body stiffened a little and she could feel his discomfort. Sensing that he was not ready to share with her what was going on yet, she decided to bring their conversation into a different direction until he was ready to tell her about what was certainly connected to his past.

″Earlier you wanted to tell me about a lifesaver...who was it?″

″Crispin,″ Jay said, his answer making her lift her head and staring at him in disbelief. After saving Emilia from getting kidnapped in June, could it be possible that their four-legged family member had saved their lives again?

″What? How?″ she uttered.

″It was...strange,″ he answered and from his voice she could tell he also still couldn't believe it. ″We were sitting on the bench and had just finished eating our ice cream when Crispin suddenly jumped up and started to bark...″

″ _Jay look at this,″ Luke exclaimed excitedly, running into his direction and carrying a cone with two scoops of ice cream in his hand and Jay was sure if the young boy didn't take care, the ice cream would land on the ground rather than in his belly, followed by a huge fuss._

″ _That looks awesome, bud,″ Jay grinned. ″Which flavors did you choose?″_

″ _Cookies n' cream and chocolate,″ Luke beamed. ″We have the same for you.″_

″ _They don't have many flavors that time of the year,″ Robert winked at his son and handed him his cone._

″ _These two are perfect for me, thank you,″ Jay smiled, taking a first bite from his ice cream. ″You like it, Luke?″_

″ _Uh-huh,″ he nodded eagerly, his mouth full of ice cream and Jay wondered how often he's had ice cream before as he sensed that it had probably been a luxus Rylie couldn't afford too often._

 _It took Luke more than 10 minutes to eat the ice cream all up and in the end Jay wasn't sure whether more of it was on his clothes and fingers or in his stomach as the sticky stuff was all over him. He reached for the package of baby wipes in the diaper bag and started to clean Luke's fingers and face and also tried to clean his clothes as good as he could so the spots wouldn't be too bad. Just when all the ice cream was removed from wherever the 4-year-old had spread it, Crispin suddenly jumped up, barking loudly and aggressively out of nowhere, Jay even startling a little because their dog_ never _barked, so this was kind of an unknown sound coming from the black-and-white dog._

″ _What's the matter?″ Jay asked, trying to reach for his neck to pet him and calm him down, but instead of enjoying how he stroked him like he usually did, Crispin jumped away even further, taking advantage that Jay had ignored the signs that dogs had to be kept on the leash. Until now, he'd lain right beside the stroller, not moving a bit, staying close to Emmy and being the good dog he always was and there had been no reason for Jay to put their dog on the leash while they were just sitting around. Their dog wouldn't leave the spot next to Emmy's stroller, neither for another dog passing by nor for any toy or chasing some pigeons. That's why this behavior now was absolutely uncalled for him, even more because he ignored Jay completely._

 _Crispin continued to stare at him, his barking not stopping either and instead of coming back, he ran a few meters away only to stop again to look back at his family like he was expecting them to follow._

″ _Crisp come back,″ Jay ordered strictly but their well-behaved dog didn't listen to the words of his master, his barking still as aggressive and loud, like a request that he wanted them to come with him._

 _It was only when Crispin ran away even further and ignored what Jay said once more that a bad feeling started to develop and something inside of him told him that their dog wasn't doing this without a reason, that this uncalled behavior was not Crispin suddenly not wanting to listen to him anymore but rather their dog wanting them to follow him for whatever reason. Sometimes Crispin used to bark joyfully, when he was chasing a toy or happy to see them after a long day, but like this, he'd only barked once so far as far as he knew. When Bunny had been in front of the door when she'd tried to get into the apartment to kidnap Emilia. So what if something was wrong this time as well, what if their dog was trying to tell them that they had to get away from there?_

″ _Let' s go,″ Jay decided and got up quickly, his one hand firming around the handle bar of the stroller while his other hand reached for Luke to pull him up from the bench._

″ _Why?″ Robert asked confused._

″ _Something's wrong,″ he answered shortly, his eyes following Crispin who was running away further though still within sight._

″ _What?″ Jay's father asked back._

″ _Crispin never barks, okay?″ This was all he offered as an answer. ″So come on now.″_

″ _I don't wanna go,″ Luke protested, his feisty character showing off once more. He was the most well-behaved child when things went the way he wanted them to go but if not, his not-so-nice side showed off pretty quick._

″ _Luke, I really don't care about that right now,″ Jay said and pulled him with him although the little boy tried his best to make it as hard as possible for him._

″ _No!″ he yelled, trampling his foot against the ground like an angry steer. ″I wanna stay here!″_

 _Jay knew they were close to another tantrum, which was about the last thing they needed right now, and he wondered whether every child in that age was as feisty and had as many tantrums as Luke had. Because then they had some fun times ahead with their baby girl who was right now peacefully sleeping in her stroller, looking absolutely innocent._

″ _Oh yes,″ Jay said and picked him up, holding him with one arm while he pushed the stroller with the other. Just another example how working out paid of in any life situation. Luke started to cry angrily and kicked with his feet, his weight in general not doing any good to Jay's damaged ribs that hurt awfully. But he ignored the sharp pain and started to run after Crispin instead which made his lungs ache even more, his breathing shallow as he had the feeling that his lungs couldn't deliver the air he needed._

 _Despite the pain he only stopped running when Crispin stopped as well but although the dog seemed at least a little more relaxed, he was still far from being his usual self, his whole body tense as he kept on walking in front of them, not waiting for them but rather still making them follow._

″ _What was that?″ Robert asked, looking from the dog to Jay._

″ _I don't know,″ Jay shrugged, gazing around whether his eyes could find any indication why their dog was behaving the way he was. But other than some people passing by on their way to the playground and some leaves falling from the trees by the wind, everything seemed peaceful and he wondered whether dogs could also overreact, seeing or hearing or smelling things that weren't actually there, just like humans overreacted in certain situations._

 _That was the very moment when he heard shots in the distance, this sound of gunfire he'd heard every single day when he'd fought a war on the other side of the world. That was the moment when everything suddenly made sense. That was the moment when they heard panicked screams from all over the playground behind them, screams that got right to their cores. That was the moment when they started to run._

″I don't know whether he saw them passing by before or whether he smelled the guns somehow or heard them loading their guns,″ Jay said in the end. ″I don't know how the hell he did that but I know that he probably saved our lives today because we probably would've been right where they went.″

″Wow,″ Erin breathed out, unable to say anything else as there were no appropriate words in her mind that could describe how stunned she was. The dog that had joined their family unexpectedly in June had probably just saved all her loved ones from dying or getting badly injured. ″I can't believe this.″

″Me neither,″ Jay agreed pensively. ″You know, all these movies with four-legged heroes...like Balto and such...although they say it's based on a true story, I always had a hard time believing that an animal is capable of doing such things. But now I don't doubt anything of that anymore because animals are just wonderful creatures.″

″They are indeed,″ Erin nodded, a small smile tugging in the corners of her lips. ″Especially our hero. There aren't enough treats in this entire world to ever thank him properly.″

″He's an outstanding dog, one in a million. And I will forever be thankful for the moment when I decided to bring him home and rather risk my woman putting me six feet under than bringing him to the shelter,″ he said with a little grin.

″Would I ever?″ she raised her eyebrows and chuckled slightly before she rested her head against his shoulder again. They fell into silence, the only noise being them sipping on their coffees and at some point Jay's sharp intake of breath as he tried to change his position a little. With all the adrenaline slowly decreasing, he could feel the strain of the last couple of hours, the pain definitely being worse than the day before.

″Maybe you should get those ribs checked again,″ Erin mentioned, her eyes focussing on his hand that he put onto his torso protectively as if it could take the pain away.

″I'm fine, Er,″ he assured her, giving her a weak smile. ″It was all just a lot for those good old ribs today.″

″What happened?″ she asked, biting her lower lip as she wasn't sure whether she should push him into the direction of telling her or better wait until he would do it by himself. But she wanted to know how he'd ended up being involved in saving the little girl and now seemed to be a fitting moment and the question was halfway out already anyway. ″I mean, after you heard the shots?″

He sat up straighter by her question and looked at her and once again there was something in his eyes she didn't like to see her. Something she neither knew nor could describe what exactly it was. Something that made her wonder how many demons he _really_ still had to fight with until he could come to terms with everything that had happened overseas. Though she imagined that this chapter of his life was one he could never completely come to terms with as it had changed him as a person while it had of course also contributed to him becoming the man he was today.

″We kept on running until I had the feeling we were safe...″ he started to tell her, some reluctance in his voice as all the screams from deeply desperate and badly injured people still echoed in his ears. ″By that time, Luke was at least not trying to squirm out of my arms anymore and I could leave him with dad. I gave him the keys so they could go back to the car at the Aquarium and he could drive them home. And then I ran back to the scene...I had to help...no matter how dangerous it was...I couldn't just ignore it just because I was safe...there were many that weren't as lucky as I was...″

 _His adrenaline was pushing him forward, making him ignore the stabbing pain in his torso that running caused. When he arrived at the playground, he felt like stepping back in time, felt like being back in Afghanistan, at this place he never wanted to be ever again and he wished no one had to be. People were screaming, bleeding, crying and dying right next to him and for a moment he wasn't even able to move as this situation was dangerously similar to the ones he'd witnessed disturbingly often when he'd been on duty, the one's that had somehow taken his life away for a while, allowing the darkness to surround him, to eat him up._

 _Out of all the screams around him, it was the extensive screaming of a woman that brought him back from his time in Afghanistan to Chicago, and her feared and desperate voice got right to his core, chills running down his spine._

″ _Kenzie!″ she yelled again, her voice full of panic and Jay scanned his surroundings to find her lying on her side on the ground right in front of the climbing walls. He started to run, assessing the situation as he came closer and figuring out quickly that the woman was at least 7 months pregnant. He wasn't a doctor and other than what he knew from Erin's pregnancy and all the baby books he'd studied, he had no clue about pregnancy and anything that came with, but even he knew that blood soaking through the jeans on her thighs and a puddle of blood right under her bottom were never good signs and that every minute counted to save mother and baby._

″ _Help me, please,″ she cried when she saw Jay coming her way._

″ _Of course, I'm right here,″ he answered and knelt down right next to her. She was absolutely pale, had a bleeding wound on her head, probably from falling, and her ankle didn't look too healthy._

″ _My daughter...Kenzie...I don't know where she is,″ she sobbed, wrapping her hand around his arm and tugging on his jacket, her brown eyes filled with tears and pure panic. ″You have to find her.″_

″ _I will,″ Jay assured her in a helpless attempt to calm her down. ″But first I'll take care of you and as soon as you're in an ambulance, I will look for Kenzie.″_

″ _She's...she's four years old...red hair...she's wearing a...a yellow jacket...and red converse shoes...,″ the woman stammered, trying to swallow down her sobs._

″ _Okay, yellow jacket, red shoes,″ he repeated and nodded. ″My name's Jay, what's your name?″ he asked, trying to get her talking about something else so she would calm down but of course he actually knew that there was no way to make her think about anything else than her daughter._

″ _Tonya,″ she answered. ″It all happened so fast...I couldn't protect her...″_

″ _Tonya, I promise I'll look for her but right now I have to make sure that you and your baby are alright, okay?″ he asked her, placing his hand on her shoulder supportingly. ″How far along are you?″_

″ _33 weeks.″_

″ _Are you in pain? Does anything hurt?″_

″ _My ankle hurts...and my head...I tried to get up but I was too dizzy...and there was this stabbing pain in my stomach...and then it felt like my water broke...but I can't have a baby now...I need to find Kenzie...″ she cried and her breathing was close to hyperventilating._

 _Jay knew right away that Tonya had no idea that her jeans weren't soaked from her water having been broken but from blood that came somewhere from inside her uterus and made her slowly bleed out, kept the baby from getting enough oxydgen or whatever else it needed to be safe in there._

″ _Tonya, listen to me,″ Jay said calmly. ″It's very important that you get into a hospital immediately. And you have to try to relax. Breathe nice and easy so your baby can get all the oxydgen it needs. Just like this, okay?″ he said and showed her the breathing rhythm he hoped she would copy._

″ _But Kenzie...″_

″ _I know. I know, Tonya,″ he said. ″But we have to get your breathing under control, that's very important. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...″ Once again he showed her the rhythm and this time the young woman picked it up as well._

″ _That's great,″ Jay encouraged her, gazing around for any paramedics that could come and help him because right now he didn't dare to leave her alone to look for some on his own. ″Now tell me more about Kenzie. What colors does she like, what's her favorite food?″_

″ _She ..she loves everything that's yellow, orange and red...her favorite food are chicken strips w...with mashed potatoes. She was our unplanned surprise,″ Tonya told him, smiling in the tiniest way._

″ _My wife and I have a daughter and she's our unplanned surprise as well. Her name's Emilia and she's almost nine months old.″_

″ _That's a great age, they chance so fast, discover the world and learn so much new things every day. Kenzie...she was...she was...,″ Tonya said, her voice suddenly getting weaker, her eyelids fluttering._

″ _Hey Tonya, stay with me!″ Jay called, shaking her a little so she would keep those eyes open. He knew they were running out of time._

″ _Kenzie...stay with her...″ she begged him, her brown eyes staring into his blue ones intensively but in the next moment they fluttered shut and now real panic was overcoming him._

″ _Tonya! Wake up! You have to wake up!″ He gazed around for help once more, for anyone who knew what to do and suddenly saw two paramedics running in the distance though not in his direction unfortunately._

″ _Hey! Over here! Quick!″ he waved and yelled from the bottom of his lungs, the pain it caused almost making him double over but at least they'd heard him as they changed their direction to him._

 _He told them what had happened and knowing that things had to go fast now, the paramedics wasted no time with making her ready for the transport and bring her to the ambulance so her's and her baby's life could hopefully be saved at the hospital though the glances on their faces gave him hints that those couple more minutes it would take to bring her there would probably be already a couple too many minutes to save the baby that was growing inside of her._

 _As soon as Tonya was in the best possible hands for right now, Jay went back to the climbing walls to search the area for the little girl, praying inwardly that he would find her alive and didn't have to deliver Tonya some devastating news later._

″ _Kenzie!″ he called all the time but he didn't get an answer._

 _Thanks to his job his eyes were trained for the smallest details and so he didn't miss the drops of blood on the floor that led right into some bushes, hinting that the girl had probably gone there to hide._

″ _Kenzie?″ he called once more as he made his way through the bushes as well, some of the branches scratching over his skin where the sleeves of his light fall jacket were rolled up to his elbows._

 _The first thing he saw was the yellow jacket shining through and in a heartbeat he was by the kid's side, the jacket being deep red on her stomach, blood leaking through, no color in her face, her eyes closed. He closed his eyes only for a moment as this picture was all too familiar but it didn't help and when he opened them again, he saw the little dark-haired, Afghan boy, Nael, lying there in the dirt in front of him, a huge bleeding wound on his abdomen, burning wounds all over his arms and legs._

 _Jay shook his head, trying to make those pictures, that flashed in front of his eyes, go away and forced himself to concentrate on the things that were happening right now. ″Kenzie,″ he said and got down on his knees to check her pulse and breathing. Weak but there. ″I'll help you now, okay?″ he asked rhetorically and picked her up into her arms so he could bring her to a place where other first responders would find them and could therefore help and where he had more space to save her life than in between some bushes._

 _As soon as she was lying on the floor, he opened her jacket only to find a nasty shooting wound that was bleeding heavily, his hands covered in the red liquid in no time. As he sensed that one of the bullets, that had flown around, had hit an abdominal artery, he took his jacket off and formed it into a ball so he could press it against her abdomen in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding somehow and keep the little girl from bleeding out right in front of his eyes._

″ _Come on Kenzie,″ he said and checked her pulse again but this time he found nothing, his own heart dropping to his smallest toe when he didn't find the aorta pulsating, when he got no indication of life._

″ _No, no no, don't do this, okay?″ he almost yelled and started CPR right away. As she was so small, he could even do it with one hand while his other hand could still press the jacket against her stomach to keep the bleeding under control._

″ _You gotta keep fighting, girl!″ It weren't his ribs or lungs that hurt while he tried to get her heart and breathing going again. He was numb to that pain. It were once again those pictures that flashed right in front of his eyes every time he pushed her heart that made the air trap in his lungs. With one push Kenzie's ginger hair changed to Nael's black hair and tar became sand, her white freckled face changing into his olive teint. With the next push it went the other way around, from Nael to Kenzie, so one moment he would see Kenzie in front of him and the next moment, the little boy from all those years back. The little boy he'd killed._

″ _We can do this together, alright Kenzie?″ Jay asked her through gritted teeth, sweat running down his temples, his arms getting heavy, his strength decreasing but he kept on going. Because this girl had to live. He couldn't lose this girl as well. He couldn't tell Tonya that her daughter was dead because he'd failed._

 _He didn't know how long he's been keeping her heart beating with his CPR, has been trying that her brain wouldn't be deprived from oxydgen for too long, when suddenly two paramedics were by his side and he was as concentrated and focussed and somehow absent that he didn't even recognize them at first. They asked him whether he could keep going for a little longer and that was the moment when he realized that he wasn't fighting for her life alone anymore. He nodded mechanically and grimly kept on trying to save Kenzie's life, nothing and no one really getting through to him just as if he was in a different world right now._

 _This changed the moment he heard_ her _voice, the only voice that could always, always find a way right to his heart and speak with his soul. Today it mainly got his attention because it was so full of panic and desperation and the woman he saw in the distance when he lifted his head, the woman that was the reason why he hasn't been at any dark places for a very long time, looked like she would break down any second._

 _Finally, he allowed the paramedics to do their jobs and got up, running into her direction, the pain in his torso only now noticeable again but nothing could keep him from wrapping her arms around her. Now everything was going to be okay._

 _If only he knew._

Telling Erin about what had happened in between hearing the shots and her finding him, he deliberately omited the part of his flashbacks to Afghanistan and what all of todays happenings had done to him. Were still doing to him. She'd been through enough today and when this was something he could protect her from by not telling her - because he knew this would do exactly the same to her what it did to him as whatever he felt, she felt, too - then not telling her the whole story was something he chose over telling her every detail and making her worry about him. He had to. This was his battle to fight, his burden to carry. Not hers.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was only in the early evening when those big doors finally swung open and not only one surgeon but three stepped through the doors, telling them that they'd won the fight for Kenzie's life and that chances for a full recovery were good although it would take a while and she had a long road of recovery ahead. The relief Erin'd expected to see on Jay's face came instantly, but not the magnitude she'd hoped. There was something that held him back from being happy, from allowing others calling him hero, lifesaver, although this was exactly what he was. There was something he held back from her. She's been knowing this for quite a while now.

She didn't have time to think too much about the reasons why he couldn't open up to her as the third surgeon told them that they'd delivered Tonya's baby via emergency c-section earlier and that the preemie was now in the NICU, doing absolutely well so far and that it was Jay reacting so fast and getting her into a hospital as fast has saved both Tonya's and the baby's life as she'd had a placenta abruption from the fall that could've ended fatal for both of them.

Of course Tonya wanted to see Jay now, thanking him for all he'd done, and so they went to visit her quickly after the surgeons had told her and her husband that their daughter was going to make it. Although the young woman was of course still groggy from the surgery and everything else she'd gone through, she couldn't stop thanking him under tears, her husband crying with her and thanking Jay over and over again for saving his whole family today. Erin, who Jay'd insisted should accompany him, was in the background but she saw the forced smile on his face anyway when he said that he would do this for anyone anytime.

″We wanted to name our baby Adrian,″ Tonya said as she showed them a picture of her newborn son who was connected with all kinds of cables.

″But now we decided to honor you in some way and name him Jacob,″ her husband finished.

″You saved us all today and without you neither me, nor Kenzie nor little Jacob would be here,″ Tonya smiled, wiping her tears away with her hand. ″I hope this is okay for you.″

″This is...″ Jay stammered perplexedly, searching for the right words to express his appreciation. ″This is wow, really. You didn't have to do this.″

″It's the least we could do,″ Tonya's husband smiled. "You're our hero."

Erin recognized how Jay almost uncomfortably shifted from one feet to the other. Even though he'd definitely been a hero today, he would never give himself the credit. He would stay humble at all times because he would honestly do this for anyone, without wasting one thought whether what he did was heroic in any way. ″Thank you,″ Jay answered. ″I feel honored.″

″No, thank you. There's no way we can ever thank you enough for what you did today,″ Tonya said once more and before all this thanking could continue forever, Jay said that she should rest and her husband should go and see Kenzie so she wouldn't be alone when she woke up, and that they had to go home to see their daughter as well after this eventful day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They had to take a cab to the 21st as the 300 was parked there and other than the Indian music playing from some CD, the ride was awkwardly quiet. Arriving at the precinct, neither of them wanted to go upstairs for a short chat with their team members. They just wanted to go gome, cuddle with Emmy for hours, and have a hot shower to wash the stress of the day away.

On the short walk to the 300, Erin slipped her fingers through Jay's and quietly asked: ″Are we okay?″ It was the first time that she pushed into this direction, that she really wanted him to tell her about the things he was holding back instead of waiting for him to tell her because she couldn't see him fighting this battle silently anymore. She wanted to be there for him, really be there for him, but she only could when he would finally tell her which demons were currently invading him.

He stopped walking and turned his head to her, looking at her for a moment. She wasn't asking whether they were okay, whether their relationship was okay. She was asking whether he was okay because she only was when he was. This was the exact reason why he hasn't told her about his flashbacks, why he's been keeping them to himself. If he told her that he was far from being okay, she would, too, and so he answered: ″Of course we are.″ He squeezed her hand and pressed a light kiss against her forehead.

She almost felt his lips burning against her skin and she closed her eyes, hoping that the tears that were welling in them would be gone by the time she opened them again so Jay wouldn't see how much his answer's hurt her. The lump in her throat hadn't suddenly built up because all the stress of the day was finally vanishing and this was the result of her realizing once again how close she'd been to lose her family. This lump was there because her husband had just outright lied to her. When they'd promised each other to always be honest. And much more were those tears there because she knew one thing for sure now:

He was not okay.

He was actually far from being okay...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	77. For Better Or Worse

**You lovely people, thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter! :)** **The other day I realized that I started writing this story two years ago. Two years later and I'm still here and so are you, so I think it's only fair to say that you're the best! I don't know whether I will keep this story going for another year but I can promise you that it won't end before I reached 100 chapters, so happy new year! :)**

* * *

 **77\. For Better Or Worse**

″Come on! Come on! COME ON!″ Jay yelled, absolute panic and sheer desperation in his voice, and Erin was wide awake from one moment to the other, the sudden screams of her husband in the middle of the night making her heartbeat skipping a beat. She didn't even have to adjust her eyes to the darkness as the TV in the bedroom was still running on low volume, the news channel reporting about nothing but the shooting spree and its aftermath. When they'd gone to bed a couple of hours prior, Jay'd refused to turn the TV off even though she'd begged him multiple times as she didn't want to see the pictures anymore, couldn't hear about the stories of the victims anymore, the number of deaths by then increased to 20 with countless in critical condition, and at some point she'd fallen into some kind of slumber that had surprisingly turned into real sleep.

Until now, 3.14am. When she discovered that her husband must've fallen asleep at some point as well and was currently battling a nightmare or more or less processing the happenings of the day, fighting against demons she had no idea how big they actually were.

Because he wouldn't tell her.

″Jay!″ she called quickly, turning on the lamp on her bedside table so the room was illuminated by more than the flickering of the TV that she turned off, the remote lying in between them in the bed. But as soon as there was enough light so she could really see Jay, she couldn't hold back the sharp breath that escaped her lips. The old police academy shirt he was wearing was soaked, sweat was covering his forehead and his face was full of pain she guessed didn't come from his cracked ribs. His breathing was erratic and nowhere near of being normal. She didn't need a second to figure out that this wasn't just a nightmare. This was what he was battling with that he held back from her. This was the reason why he was far from being okay. This was the first time in all these years that she saw him like this and it scared the crap out of her. And made her feel endlessly helpless because she had no idea how to handle the situation, how to approach him, how to help him to get better. Because she'd not been there the last time this had happened. He'd been battling his demons alone. Or with the help of Mouse at the best.

She didn't have time to think too much about it as she needed to get him out of this nightmare, this battle, as fast as possible, and so she simply did the only thing she was sure couldn't be wrong: placing her hand on his wet shirt, right above his heart, rubbing soothing circles onto it and calling him by his name softly.

″Jay,″ she said, trying to hide the nervous undertone in her voice as good as possible and increasing the pressure on his chest. ″Wake up, babe. You're fine. I'm here and you're not alone.″

He didn't seem to hear her, his breathing staying labored and she could feel his heart pouding under her hand in a rhythm that was anything but healthy. ″Jay!″ she said more emphatic, her voice louder than before in an desperate attempt to get through to him. ″Jay, wake up!″

″Jay!″ she called and finally his eyes flew open, his body shooting up wheezing, his wide pupils adjusting to the surroundings that were different than the surroundings that he'd expected. A soft mattress, even softer pillows and a warming comforter instead of the dusty, sandy ground of the Afghan desert and the torrid sun burning down on him. His wife sitting next to him, her hand gently right above his heart, instead of the young boy lying on the ground, bleeding out in front of him. His hands sweaty but not wet of the deep red liquid called blood.

″I...I...,″ he stammered, his blue eyes wide as he looked at her, not being able to form any sentence of the English language. ″I'm...sorry,″ he breathed out and untangled himself from the blanket, sneaking out of the room faster than Erin was able to hold him back, to realize what he was doing.

″Jay!″ she called, a feeling of overextension settling inside of her as she watched him disappear, as she had the feeling the man she loved was about to disappear, as she had the feeling he was somehow slipping away, walking out of the life they'd built.

She gave herself another minute to take a couple of deep breaths and calm herself down, telling her worst-case-scenario-creating brain that it should shut the fuck up and stop picturing a future where he became a different man, and once she had herself more or less under control, she threw the blanket back as well, slipped into the cozy socks that lay on the ground next to the bed and took off Jay's blackhawks shirt she was wearing, slipping into a fresh one from her dresser on her way out of the bedroom.

She found his soaked shirt discarded on the stairs, which was absolutely unlike him as he was usually the neat freak, always placing the things where they belonged and never leaving a mess behind. Making her way downstairs, her thoughts swirled around how to approach him, how to talk to him but by the time she reached the kitchen, her mind, that was all over the place, hasn't come up with any brilliant masterplan. She glanced around and found him sitting on the step that led from the patio in the garden, a glass of whiskey or any other hard liquor in his hand, an almost full bottle on the floor next to him. It was a scenery that somehow made her swallow hardly and she decided to give him another minute even if that meant he could pour more of the burning liquid down his throat.

A minute turned into three as she heated up water to make him a calming tea and on her way out, the blackhawks shirt thrown over her shoulder and the mug in one hand, she grabbed the cozy blanket that lay on the backrest of the couch. She managed to open the french window and placed the blanket and shirt on the table for now so she could try to make him exchange his current drink for the mug of hot tea she was carrying in her hand.

″Take this,″ she said gently as she sat down next to him, putting the whiskey bottle away and out of reach for him.

″Huh,″ he almost laughed sarcastically. ″That's not the same,″ he said, taking an extra long sip from his whiskey to prove his point, a gesture that hurt her more than she'd expected.

″Exactly. That's why I want you to drink that instead of that,″ she answered, motioning her head to the glass in his hand that was almost empty for the second time.

″That doesn't help,″ he said, motioning his head to the mug and bringing the glass to his lips again, ready to empty it with one long sip although the refill was out of his sight.

″So doesn't this.″ Erin brought her hand up to the glass before it reached his lips and softly pushed his hand down so the liquid would hopefully not come close to his lips again tonight. ″And we both know that, right?″

He turned his head to her, looking at her with those ocean blue eyes that seemed so lost, that were full of a pain he didn't want to share with her. Erin completely wrapped her hand around his hand that was holding the glass, hoping that her touch could give him the comfort her presence right now couldn't. ″Please,″ she pleaded quietly, her voice nothing more than a whisper that almost disappeared in the darkness of the night. Her eyes, that were burning with tears she didn't allow to fall, never left his and after what seemed like minutes of intense staring, he handed her the glass without saying another word.

″Thank you,″ she breathed out and offered him the mug of tea instead. He took it with reluctance but at least he took it. She got up and gave their flowers a quick whiskey shower by emptying his glass before placing it on the patio table together with the bottle, grabbing the shirt and the blanket instead.

″Here,″ she said as she took the spot next to him again, handing him the black shirt with the logo of his favorite ice hockey team she'd worn until a couple of minutes ago.

For a moment she had the feeling that a confused glance was all she would get, but then: ″This is your shirt,″ he noticed.

″Well, basically it's still yours,″ she smiled faintly. ″You know, I don't only regularly steal your shirts and wear them because they're huge and hella comfortable. I wear them because they smell of you and this makes me feel safe, especially when you're at work during the night. So I thought now that it smells of me, it could probably...make you feel safe,″ she explained, giving him a meaningful glance with eyes full of concern.

″Thank you,″ he said and reached for the shirt without the reluctance he'd taken the mug a minute ago. He even tried to give her a small smile. The fact that it stayed with a try didn't go unnoticed by Erin of course.

He placed the mug down on the step and carefully slipped into the shirt, Erin watching his slow movements and dark purple bruises on his ribcage sternly and once the fabric covered his bare torso, Jay could somehow feel Erin's warmness on his cool skin, the smell of vanilla and raspberry invading his nostrils and for a moment everything seemed so perfectly normal.

Despite the fact that it wasn't. Neither perfect nor normal.

Silence started to surround them as Erin wrapped the blanket around them so they wouldn't get sick by the chilly breeze of this fall night and for a while the only noise was Jay trying to sip on his tea while Erin just sat next to him, trying to show him that she was there for him, that he wasn't alone and that she was ready to help him carry whatever he's obviously been carrying around for a while already.

″Talk to me Jay,″ she somewhen said shyly, hesitatingly, being afraid of getting another lie or anything else, that would do nothing but hurting her, in response.

Her request neither made him move, his eyes still peering down on the mug in his hand, nor did it make him open his mouth and share this dark chapter of his past with her and just when Erin had the feeling that she's never heard a silence that deafening before, when she thought that they were taking so many steps back to a level she didn't want them to be, some words left his lips.

″There's...I...I can't...,″ he stammered. ″This...this is my burden. Not yours.″ He didn't even dare to look her in the eyes, being scared of what this words have done to her. But it was better like this. And soon everything would be fine again. Without her having to carry this burden as well. He just needed a little bit of time. That was at least what he was constantly telling himself.

″Hey,″ she said softly and very much to his surprise after how he'd just rejected her help, her reaching out to be there for him, and she placed her hand on his lower arm before she added: ″For better or worse, you remember?″

For whatever reason, these words, these remembrance of their wedding vows somehow caught him off-guard. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he'd promised all of these things to her at Lake Geneva, back in a life when he'd been on cloud nine. Before this well known darkness had started to surround him again, threatening to swallow him whole. Before this morning in fact.

 _Always remember your wedding vows. They are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep._ Suddenly, beyond all the horrible pictures that were still making themselves a home in his head, he clearly saw the picture of Camille Voight right in front of his eyes and heard her voice directly speaking to him, like she'd had in the video they'd gotten from her on their wedding day. This had been her only advise and probably the best they could've gotten.

It was only in this moment that something clicked inside of him. He wasn't alone anymore. Other than the other times when he'd fought battles no one should be forced to fight, he wasn't alone anymore. And he didn't have to fight this battle alone. Yes, he wanted to protect her from all these horrifying things, but for what price? He'd married this wonderful, kind woman with the biggest heart, had given her a promise for eternity. To share his joy with her in good times and his struggles in bad times. What was the worth of their vows if he didn't keep them? If he tried to keep on fighting this battle alone instead of letting her help him? _He wasn't alone anymore_. She was a part of him now, too. And just because he thought she was better off without knowing the whole story didn't mean that she couldn't feel his pain. Because this was what happened when two people became one: they could feel the pain regardless. And by not telling her he was most likely putting her through more pain than sharing this chapter of his past with her would.

He always wanted Erin to open up to him when things got rough, when she was building up walls again, after all this time of being together somehow even expected her to open up to him whenever there was something that would usually make her crawl back into some kind of hole of burried feelings. But in favor to protect her from the things he was going through, he'd totally forgotten about the fact that it was the same for her, that this was mutual. That he had to let his walls down as well instead of building them up as high that at some point they would probably become too much of an obstacle for them.

And in fact, he hasn't held this back from her because he couldn't actually tell her. He's held this back from her because he loved her as much that he was too afraid of what it could do to her. Because he loved her as much that he just wanted to protect her from knowing about this chapter of his life and everything that came with it.

And so he'd pushed her away. The woman who was the reason why he hasn't had a single nightmare in forever, her presence being enough for him to sleep like a baby, like she was shielding him from all these demons. The woman who would make it her task to lift this weight off his shoulders so they could carry it together and at some point simply discard it somewhere. The woman who was in fact the only person in the world who could help him through this.

″Today brought back a lot of memories...,″ he started to tell her, his voice low and his eyes fixated on some dark spot in the back of their garden.

″I know,″ Erin said quietly, her hand moving from his arm to his back to draw some soothing and encouraging circles onto it.

The fact that she'd known that this was about his past didn't surprise him. Yet, it made him feel even more guilty for leaving her in the dark for so long. While she naturally couldn't read his mind to figure the story behind it out herself, she could read his feelings, emotions and behavior like an open book, so the last couple of hours she's probably suffered as much as he had.

″It was during my third tour in Afghanistan...quite early on...″ he finally found the courage to tell her. ″It was summer, the sun was burning down on us every day and we had our camp in a valley between the mountains. It was our task to observe and check out all those homesteads and villages around there. Rumor had it that some Taliban commanders were hiding in that area,″ he said, inhaling a deep breath and Erin knew that now something was coming up that had to do with his nightmare. ″From time to time locals came by, mostly women and kids. We would give them water and sometimes candy or other food. One day, there was this one kid...his name was...his name was Nael. He brought this super old soccer ball with him and when I wanted to give him candy he only shook his head and put his ball on the ground instead, kicking it to me. He couldn't speak English but I understood his request and so I played with him for a while. From this day on he came every day and he smiled so bright when he saw me. He made those days better. His smile, his laughter, it was a little bit of life out there. At least for a week...″ Jay's lip was trembling, tears brimming in his eyes, his hand forming into a fist and once more he had to inhale deeply to keep himself together.

″It was a week after I met him for the first time when intel told us that three very high ranked Taliban are fortifying in an old homestead, that was more of a ruin than anything else, around 3 miles south of our base. Word was that they've been hiding there for weeks. That day we were told to bomb them out during dawn on the following morning. The thing was...my team and I had been there only two weeks before to observe the place for three days and there hadn't been a single sign of any Taliban...but you know what you do when you're fighting a war on the other side of the world and any minute the enemy could raid you?″ he asked rhetorically and shook his head slightly. ″You don't question things. Although you sometimes should.″

He still stared into the darkness of the night, not being able to look at her as he knew he would break down then. ″So we got there before the sun was rising. We were a small team and I was the highest ranked ranger, so naturally I was the man in charge...the one to make the call...″ His voice trailed off and Erin saw him swallowing hardly.

″I somehow had a bad feeling about that...but it didn't...it didn't hold me back from...making the call,″ he said, his voice disgusted by himself, by the things he'd done. ″We bombed this homestead out just like we were supposed to and only when we removed our earplugs after the detonation we heard the screams. Of women. And kids. I've never heard people scream like this before and I knew instantly that something's gone terribly wrong there...″ Once again his voice broke and Erin didn't know how much longer he could hold back the tears that were filling his eyes, when he would completely break because this wasn't a matter _if_ he would break, it was only a matter of when.

″We went in there...and found a massacre caused by us... _by_ _me_. We found ten children and four women, some of them as injured, mutilated and burned that you wouldn't even see their faces anymore. One of the women was heavily pregnant but there was nothing we could do anymore...she was dead and so was her unborn child... They were victims of the war, nomads, their homes taken by people like me. They were just looking for a safe place where she could give birth to her baby...and then...″ His fists were absolutely white by now, almost like there was blood running through them right now, the tone of his voice bitter yet devastated.

″I...I gazed around, we all did, looking for anyone that we could still help...and my eyes found a familiar face...″

″Nael,″ Erin concluded whispering, all those pictures slowly but finally falling into place.

Jay nodded absently in response, battling with his emotions, with the pictures that flooded him, that flashed right in front of his eyes. ″He...he had a huge wound on his stomach...his entrails were already-...but he was breathing,″ he stammered, not being able to form full sentences as those pictures almost made him throw up. ″I...I tried to...to stop the bleeding with my hands...I talked to him...he opened his eyes and looked at me...he tried to smile at me...he fucking tried to smile at me. And then his heart stopped beating...just like this.″ He was whispering in the end and Erin knew that the breakdown wasn't far now and as much as she tried to be strong for him, she was as close to breaking as he was.

″I started CPR, tried to get him back...I don't know for how long...at some point Mouse told me to let go...they needed two men to pull me away from him. There...there were no survivors that day...four women and ten children killed by, how we later learned, wrong information,″ he rambled and shook his head as if he still couldn't believe it and exhaled deeply. ″This boy walked more than 6 miles every day only to play soccer with me for not even 30 minutes. And I killed him,″ he whispered. ″The way he looked at me in this short moment...I was his hero who was there for him, trying to save him. But he shouldn't have to be saved in first place...he needed salvation because of me,″ he said quietly. ″I killed them all. I killed him...I fucking killed him.″

That was the point when he couldn't hold anything back anymore, when he finally broke and she broke with him. Because she was at a loss of words. Because there were no appropriate words. Because there was nothing she could do to make him feel better, to take his pain away. Because there was no gesture that could make this okay, that could give him the comfort she desperately wanted to give him.

Her hand was still on his back, her other hand covering her mouth as she tried to swallow down the heavy sobs that threatened to escape her lips, tears running down her cheek. She couldn't see his face as he was covering it with his hands but she could hear him crying, could see it. And feel it. How his sobs made his whole body shake.

They sat there, on the step of their patio, in the light of their garden lanterns, in the darkness of this October night, no further words being exchanged for a while. But she was there. Next to him. And she would stay there for the rest of her life because this was exactly where she needed to be.

″Jay,″ she somewhen said quietly, her own voice still shaking a bit. ″I know you don't want to hear that and you probably won't believe me but this wasn't your fault. You did what they told you to do. You were following orders and there was nothing you could've done to prevent any of this. You weren't in a position to disagree.″ She knew this was not nearly enough to make him feel better, mainly because there was no better tonight, and just when she'd spoken it out loud in a helpless attempt to help him, she wondered whether those words rather had the capacity to make things even worse.

″I had a bad feeling,″ he said slowly. ″I told them that two weeks ago nothing indicated that any Taliban were there. I should've...tried more...that they let us check it out again before throwing bombs.″

″And get yourselves killed in case the information was right? Or ending up as prisoners of the war?″ Erin asked. ″No Jay, you were right when you said that you don't question things when you're in a warzone because you don't expect information to be wrong. You did that because you thought you finish off some bad guys.″

″And still, their blood will forever be on my hands,″ he answered quietly and looked at her for what felt like the first time in a lifetime, his blue eyes even bluer than usual. That's when she realized that the biggest demon was probably himself.

″Jay,″ she whispered, her hand traveling from his back to his jaw so she could cup his cheek. ″I know there's nothing in this world that can make this okay. There are no words that can make you feel better. But I will tell you this for the rest of our lives if I have to and someday you will maybe accept it: This wasn't your fault. You were the good guy, fighting a war on the other side of the world against the bad guys and you did what this war required you to do. We both know you would never have thrown those bombs in this building if you'd known that there were innocent children and women in there. But you _didn't_ _know_.″ She pressed her lips against his, as somehow expected not getting any response, and then leaned her forehead against his, the salty taste of his lips still on hers.

″Thank you for telling me,″ she murmured into the silence.

Jay lifted his head and looked at her. She shouldn't have to thank him for something like this. It should be a naturalness that he was telling her stuff like this. But yet, it wasn't. And she knew that. That's why he didn't answer anything, because he didn't have the words and maybe his glance could tell her more than words anyway.

Whatever his eyes were telling her that his mouth couldn't, she seemed to understand. ″Let's go to bed,″ she said and reached for his arm to pull him up.

″I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight...I should probably just-″

″Jay,″ she said softly, knowing that he was afraid of closing his eyes because all the pictures would come back with full force then. ″You will.″

That was all she said and there was something in her eyes, in her voice, that made him believe her and so he nodded and got up and when they walked inside and upstairs, her fingers laced through his, he felt like the weight on his shoulders wasn't as heavy anymore and that even though he hadn't felt it in the first moment, telling Erin about it, has changed something.

They lay down in their king-sized bed and she snuggled up as close to him as possible from behind, her hand traveling under his shirt and resting on the bare skin of his stomach, her fingertips occasionally tracing some random patterns onto it. She held him close to her own body, hoping that she could give him back the comfort he was usually giving her after a particularly hard day when the only thing that could make her world right was his presence, his scent, his embrace. At some point, his hand joined hers under his shirt and he laced his fingers through hers, squeezing her hand gently. It was an unspoken thank you, a way of saying without words that he was glad that she was there. Naturally, Erin understood the unspoken and snuggled even closer to his strong body, hoping that she could be the human shield for him tonight that protected him from all those demons, most of all from his own.

Sleep didn't come easy but at some point it came. And the only thing one could consider a nightmare was when Emilia decided around 6am that sleep was for the weak.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When there was another thing that could help Jay to get better, it was family time. An endless amount of family time. Because even though he was doing a lot better after sharing his story in their backyard the other night, the events at Maggie Daley and this very personal aftermath have left their traces and just because he'd talked it off his chest didn't mean it was also out of his mind. He would carry this around for some time but he wouldn't carry it alone. Erin would carry it with him, for him, as much as she could. Just yesterday, on Saturday, so merely 24 hours after the shooting spree, he'd told her that he just wanted to protect her from his demons and had apologized for lying to her in first place, for pushing her away and had then thanked her that she'd somehow pushed him into this direction of telling her, that it had helped him to share this part of his past instead of keeping it to himself and together they'd once more concluded that even though they were both not really big talkers when it came to problems and their pasts, sometimes talking was the best out of all options, the only one that actually helped. And probably they should for once simply remember this from the very beginning next time.

″You up for this adventure?″ Erin asked Jay one day later, on Sunday morning after breakfast, when they were in the hallway, she helping Luke to take his shoes and jacket on properly and Jay kneeling on the floor as well, dressing Emmy in her little shoes and her jacket. As the sun was shining brightly from the sky today there was at least no need to bring scarves, hats and gloves along for this adventure that they attended together as a family for a very first time, that Erin attended for the very first time at all: the Pumpkin Patch. They'd cancelled the World-Series-Evening with their friends, everyone of course understanding their reasons after what happened on Friday, and were now off to enjoy some very precious, healing family time.

″Absolutely,″ Jay answered with a smile. It wasn't his trademark Halstead smile so far but given the fact that just on the night from Friday to Saturday she hadn't thought she would see him smile again anytime soon, she took this smile in a heartbeat. ″Right Emmy, we're ready to find some pumpkins?″ he asked his daughter and scooped her from the floor into his arms, grimacing a little as he'd once again forgotten about those ribs that didn't like this kind of movement.

″Easy Jay,″ Erin reminded him, shooting him a concerned glance.

″I want the biggest pumpkin,″ Luke exclaimed excitedly.

″Of course you do,″ Erin laughed and ran her hand through his blonde hair. ″Everyone ready to roll then?″

″Yes yes yes,″ Luke giggled, jumping up and down in front of them, Crispin barking in joy and running around them as well.

″Alright, then let's get out of here,″ Jay said and with all the stuff they loaded in the car, stroller, diaper bag, toys and a picnic basket with tons of foods and drinks one could almost think they were about to leave town for a couple of days when it was in fact only a daytrip that led them about 60 miles away from Chicago and into the countryside.

The car ride went surprisingly smooth, without any meltdowns or other catastrophes they might have expected, just as they had expected Luke to constantly ask how much longer they had to drive. But the young boy seemed to be mesmerized by the story he was listening to on the iPod and even went all big-brother-like when Emilia had her little moment because she wanted her bottle with cold fennel tea. He reached for her bottle and held it for her so she could suck on it, her tiny hands wrapping around the bottle as well because their little Miss Independent had to prove a point that she was perfectly capable of holding her bottle on her own.

They arrived at the farm in the countryside of Illinois after a little over an hour of driving, ready to enter the countless pumpkin fields and pick up the best ones. But before they looked for the pumpkins that should decorate their porch in the next two weeks until Halloween, they went on a wagon ride through the hayfield, visited the children's zoo where Luke couldn't stop to pet all the various animals while Emilia was completely fascinated by having other animals than their dog around. Their bright smiles and joyful giggles made Jay's smile grow bigger and his laughters louder and when Erin gazed at him as he knelt on the floor, Emmy and Luke standing in front of him to pet a shetland pony, one arm around Emilia's waist so she had the stabilization she needed to stand and his other arm around Luke's waist, the brightest of smiles spread over her face. Seeing him like this, like this amazing father, was everything. Seeing him happy was everything. Especially after everything that had happened in the last 48 hours, after fearing to lose the man she loved to his demons, to lose _this_ man.

Their adventure continued with the corn-maze, a picnic in the sun and eventually with picking up some pumpkins they could give all kind of scary faces later.

″I want this one,″ Luke said, running to a particular big pumpkin in the Cinderella field, where the best pumpkins were supposed to be.

″Don't you think that's a little too big for you young man?″ Jay asked as he joined him.

″Nooo!″ Luke giggled and shook his head.

″Alright, then this one for Luke,″ he agreed and picked the pumpkin up to put it into the cart that was already half-occupied by Emilia, who was sitting in there, having an obvious blast.

″Look at that, a pumpkin with a pumpkin,″ Jay grinned when Emmy started to explore the pumpkin with her hands immediately.

″How's that Emmy?″ Erin asked and Emilia babbled something in response in her own language and clapsed her hands against the pumpkin, looking at her parents with that big smile that was half Jay's and half Erin's with those dimples from her mom as a bonus.

″Very much into pumpkins I'd say,″ Jay laughed and pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans to take some pictures of their little sunshine, of Emmy and Erin, and Luke and Emmy before he handed his phone to Erin so she could take some silly photos of him and Emmy and Luke and Crispin and those orange vegetables.

They loaded more pumpkins into their cart, Luke choosing them proudly and Jay picking them up until Erin at some point asked what they even wanted to do with six pumpkins that were all quite big. Jay agreed that probably six pumpkins were enough to carve, especially since Erin has never carved one in her life before, and so they left the farm in the early afternoon with six pumpkins in their trunk and two sleeping children on the backseat that were completely tuckered out from the adventures of this sunny October day.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

By the time they returned to the familiar streets of Chicago's suburbs, Luke was wide awake again and Emilia woke up from her sweet dreams when Jay carefully picked her up from the car seat into his arms. In the first moment she was anything but happy about that circumstance and hid her head against Jay's shoulder, something she used to do when she was either tired or not content with the current situation. As soon as she was reunited with all her toys in the living room though, her good mood returned and so Erin, Jay and Luke could start the second part of their adventure on the patio: the carving.

″How is it?″ Jay asked, smirking mischievously as he eyed Erin who had her whole lower arm inside the pumpkin.

″Gross,″ she grimaced and pulled her hand back to throw more of the slimy stuff into the garbage next to her, Crispin always making sure that the stuff that fell on the ground wouldn't stay there for too long.

″Oh come on, it's not that bad,″ he chuckled, finding amusement in her facial expression.

″Seriously I have the feeling I have this slimy stuff everywhere,″ she complained, looking at her arm and hand that were indeed orange and full of pumpkin insides.

″That's probably because you _have_ it everywhere,″ he laughed heartily and reached out with his hand that hadn't been inside the pumpkin, to swipe away some of the stuff, how she called it, from her cheek with his thumb.

″Great,″ she chuckled. ″I bet there's some in my hair as well.″

″Uhm, positive,″ Jay smirked. ″You probably need a _long_ shower later,″ he murmured with a low growl and the effect on Erin came immediately as she felt heat crawling up inside of her body.

″Huh,″ she breathed out and looked at him sheepishly, her eyes telling him the answer he wanted to hear: _hell yes._

To keep his mind from going to this place, their shower, now already, imagining how he would worship her body under the steamy water to make love with her, he turned around to Luke, who was sitting in one of the patio chairs and skimmed through a book with carving templates. ″You already decided for one, buddy?″

″Yes, this,″ he answered and turned the book around to show them the picture of a spider that looked quite complicated to carve.

″Jay's going to do that one with you,″ Erin laughed as she looked at the picture as well. She had no idea how she should even carve a simple scary face into the pumpkin's surface and the template Luke's chosen surpassed her carving abilities many times over.

″What, why me?″ he half-complained.

″Because you're the perfectionist and I know that you'll make it look exactly like that,″ she winked at her husband, giving him an innocent smirk as well, knowing that he couldn't even argue about that.

Carving six pumpkins and giving them all kind of scary faces took exactly the endless amount of time Erin had expected, especially since Jay was somehow obsessed with making it look like the templates, just as expected as well. In between their project, they ordered pizza, Erin not having the nerve to stand in the kitchen and cook something herself, and by the time she brought Emmy upstairs to bathe her and tuck her in, Luke and Jay were still on the patio, Luke giving strict directions and Jay being as concentrated and ambitious, it was actually hilarious.

Coming back downstairs after Emilia was sound asleep, the end was finally in sight and after some last carvings to perfect the faces, all the pumpkins were done, the ones Jay'd carved naturally looking like masterpieces, especially compared to Erin's simple faces. Her first one had been an absolute disaster and instead of a face it only had one big hole.

″I knew you're a pumpkin-nerd,″ she laughed when she surveyed the results of this hours-long work.

″I prefer the term genius,″ Jay chuckled and pressed a short kiss against his wife's smiling lips.

″Can we put the lights in?″ Luke asked, interrupting their little moment quickly. ″Please?″

Jay gazed at the watch around his wrist and the numbers showed him that it was already past Luke's usual bedtime, even though only a couple of minutes. But given that tomorrow was his first day at preschool, it was about time for him to go to bed. ″We put in some lights quickly so you can see them and then tomorrow evening, we will put them all on the porch, okay?″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly.

″Here you go,″ Erin said and helped Jay to put the candles into the pumpkins. She then turned the garden lanterns off so the only light on the patio was the flickering of the flames they saw through the pumpkins' faces.

″Wow,″ Luke whispered fascinated.

″You like it?″ Jay asked.

″That's so cool,″ the blonde boy beamed. ″I have to tell mommy.″

″You can do that tomorrow when she calls, okay? Then you can tell her about all our pumpkin adventures today. But now even little pumpkin adventurers have to go to bed,″ Jay said, hoping that this wouldn't end in another meltdown because anything that had to do with Rylie was still something Luke was absolutely sensitive about, especially when he was tired.

″Will you read me a story?″ he asked, obviously having one of his better days.

″Whichever story you want, buddy,″ Jay winked and picked the 4-year-old up into his arms to carry him inside.

Erin blew out the candles to avoid any possible fire catastrophe and then followed them quickly. ″Should I already get that shower going?″ she asked all innocent and casual, leaning in the doorway to Luke's room and watching Jay how he helped Luke into his pajamas.

″Absolutely,″ he grinned at her and now it seemed like that the smile, that was on his face, was his trademark one. Erin's heartbeat might doubled its pace in that moment.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Jay?″ Erin whispered later that evening, when they were lying in their bed, the adrenaline from their love-making still rushing through their bodies and keeping them awake. In addition, their bodies were not used to going to bed that early but they had quite some sleep to catch up on, so after their hot shower, they'd decided to give it a try and go to bed early, hoping that sleep would overcome them soon.

"Huh?" he asked back and subsconsciously pulled her closer to his body so he could bury his head in her damp hair that smelled of raspberry, mint and vanilla.

"Can you promise me one thing?"

"That depends," he laughed lightly.

"I'm serious," she said and turned her head to face him. "In case something from your past comes up again and for some reason I can't help you to deal with it, promise me you will get help in some other way. Through a support group or talking to Dr Charles. Promise me no matter what that you will fight and do everything possible that this darkness doesn't eat you up."

"I promise," he answered without hesitation and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″Thank you for the other night, Er. For pushing me and not giving up,″ he added quietly.

″There's absolutely nothing you have to thank me for, babe,″ she answered.

″I feel like there's a lot I have to thank you for,″ he disagreed, his eyes never leaving hers as he opened up a little more. ″Without you pushing me and being there...I don't know where I would be right now.″

″Huh,″ was all Erin answered and she wondered what he meant with this statement. Didn't he know where he would be mentally or physically? Would only be his mind at a dark place or would Jay himself be at some dark place, trying to forget, to ignore? Those thoughts made her shudder and forced her to swallow hardly. If this was the case they'd been closer to losing all they had than she'd thought and it made her realize that their life was fragile anytime, no matter how solid it seemed. Simply because fate had screwed with them in the past too often.

″What did...?″ she asked, inhaling a breath as her voice broke. ″What made you tell me?″

″Uhm...our wedding vows,″ he said, never taking his eyes away from her. ″When you said for better or worse, something clicked, something that hadn't clicked before,″ he admitted. ″I remembered what I promised you and what I told you. And I figured that this was the point where I had to prove that what I said back then wasn't just some empty rhetoric and that our vows are worth something. And I remembered Camille's advise. And when we later lay in bed and your hand travelled under my shirt to give me comfort, I remembered one more thing.″

″Yeah?″ she asked hoarsely and swallowed down her emotions. ″What?″

″Your vows. How you said that I love you even harder during the hard times. And in that moment, when your warm hand rested on my stomach and just before I laced my fingers through yours, I realized that you love me even harder during the hard times as well because I felt exactly this,″ he told her honestly, his voice low. ″So much love that I possibly didn't even deserve in that moment.″

″You deserve all the love and I love you with every fiber of my body, Jay Halstead. Anytime. And Forever,″ she whispered and pressed her lips against his all soft. ″Never forget that.″

″Only when you never forget that I fucking love you,″ he said hoarsely, his lips forming a little smile and a short giggle escaped from Erin's lips by his choice of words. _I_ **fucking** _love you._ Now that was something new.

″Never,″ she smiled and once again their lips melted slowly, all the vulnerability they were carrying around with them lying in it.

Their kisses were delicate and unhurried, filled with a whole bunch of emotions, gratitude and love. And when those kisses deepened, probably the most vulnerable love-making just around the corner, they both somehow remembered their vows again. They would battle through the bad times together and revel in the good times. They would handle the downs and enjoy the ups. For better or worse. That's what they'd promised each other and they would give everything to keep this promise forever...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	78. Where The Heart Is

**Thank you all so much for your lovely feedback and enjoy chapter 78! :)**

* * *

 **78\. Where The Heart Is**

One thing Erin and Jay haven't done in forever, due to their lives being this beautiful sometimes not-so-beautiful chaos of mastering the challenge Intelligence plus first one kid and then suddenly two simultaneously and managing all the other things that were constantly popping up in addition, was enjoying a night out with their friends and going for a couple of drinks after a long day or hard case or just because they felt like going out with those wonderful people they called family.

Erin had already been home, as always tuesdays only working until around 2.30pm, when Antonio'd asked whether Jay and his better half could maybe take the evening off from their parental duties and join them for a beer in their favorite bar. Even before Jay'd been able to answer anything, Hank, who'd heard the conversation about Molly's and beer and the team kinda complaining that Erin's and Jay's company has been tremendously missed in the last couple of months, said yes they could because he would come over later to play babysitter. That was that. Getting the evening off had been easier than expected.

And so it was exactly a week before Halloween that Erin found herself doing her hair a little nicer than usual and wearing some of her favorite clothes: black pants, a white shirt and her red leather jacket, Jay matching her perfectly in dark jeans, a black button-down and his black leather jacket.

″You know, we could still skip Molly's and go for dinner in the West Loop now that we have a babysitter,″ Jay suggested when he walked into the nursery where the light was dimmed and where Erin was sitting in the rocking chair, Emmy sitting in her lap, her precious little face resting against Erin's chest, her eyes closed and her mouth agape. ″Just the two of us. Some fancy food, a cocktail...″

″They would kill us, babe. It's really been forever since we were in Molly's altogether,″ she said and she honestly couldn't even remember as it was that long ago, as they'd mostly used the evenings they had a babysitter to do something as just the two of them. And other than that it had occasionally only been one of them who joined the others at Molly's while the other was at home fulfilling parental duties. ″But I probably have to cancel on them anyway,″ she added with a sigh, her thumb stroking over Emmy's hair and head lovingly.

″Why?″ Jay frowned and joined his two ladies to kneel down beside the rocking chair. ″You not feeling alright?″

″I'm good,″ she assured him, her eyes looking for his for a second before she peered down on her daughter again. ″She's not been really herself the last few hours. She was fussy and grumpy and whiny and wanted to be carried around all the time.″

Indeed, this didn't sound like Emilia at all. She was usually the happiest little girl, always in a good mood and ever so smiley. Other than when she woke up at night, when she got tired or when she really wanted or needed something, she wasn't a tad bit whiny. And being carried around all the time? Usually she was the happiest down on the floor with Crispin by her side, always crawling everywhere to explore the world and nowadays of course pulling herself up wherever she could and show her parents how perfectly she could stand already with the help of whatever piece of furniture was near by.

″And when I tried to put her into her crib while you were in the shower, she started to cry as soon as I didn't hold her anymore.″

″It's probably another tooth bothering her,″ Jay said and placed his hand on Emmy's back. ″Huh princess, is there another pearly white coming?″ he whispered.

″That's what I thought,″ Erin answered. Teething has offered them exactly this kind of drama every time a tooth broke through. So chances were high that she was having trouble with it once more. ″Or she's getting sick,″ she sighed.

″Let's hope it's just a tooth,″ Jay said. Lately, it seemed like they weren't allowed to catch a break and a sick baby would just fit right into their life that never offered them a dull moment.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. ″Come on baby girl, let's try the crib again,″ she whispered against Emilia's head and placed a kiss there as she got up.

They crossed the room together and Erin carefully put her into the crib. She stirred a little, let out a small sigh but didn't wake up again right away when Erin tucked her in and she lost the contact with her mom.

″Sleep well, princess,″ Jay whispered, stroking his hand over her head. ″Tomorrow everything will be better.″

″Whatever it is, you better sleep it off, little one,″ Erin said quietly and after staying by her crib for another couple of minutes to make sure that she was all settled, they turned the soft light on the bedside table next to her crib on and turned the big one off as they left the room.

″You rather wanna stay here?″ Jay asked as soon as they'd closed the door behind them, his hand traveling up to her cheek.

″Naah,″ she denied, snuggling her cheek into his palm, ″it's probably really just a tooth. And Hank knows how to handle her when she's teething.″

″Uh-huh,″ Jay nodded. ″And this might be another proof that she's indeed teething,″ he grinned and pointed his finger to her shirt, where a big spot of baby drool covered the white fabric right on her breast.

″Well, I guess I better change, huh?″ she chuckled slightly and shook her head. Never in her life has she used their washing machine more often than since having a child. These tiny people could really create a gigantic amount of dirty laundry every single day, it still amazed her. Not in a positive way though.

″You don't want to go to Molly's with our daughter's drool on your top?″ he smirked, a playful undertone in his voice.

″Preferably not,″ she winked. ″Can you check on Luke, please? Whether he changed into his pajamas and is in bed already?″

″Sure,″ he confirmed.

″Thank you,″ she murmured against his lips and brushed her own against them shortly but sweetly.

When Jay entered Luke's room, he indeed found the boy wearing his pajamas, which was something, but instead of lying in bed he was still sitting on the floor, building railroad tracks through the entire room and Jay had to exercise his authority to make clear that when they said he should go to bed to wait for them there, they wanted to find him in bed and not still playing with his toys. After almost four weeks of living with them it was time to give him some rules and not allow him everything just because he's had a hard couple of weeks adjusting to this new situation. That was also what the teachers in pre-school had told them: that Luke had quite some trouble with listening to rules. Which was a result of Rylie not being exactly strict with him and of him being with his uncle or on his own too often. He was used to do things the way he's always done them but now, for the very first time, he really had to listen to the things other people told him and didn't always get his way.

However, Jay handled the situation well with just the right amount of parental authority and could even read Luke a short story once he was under the covers, and by the time Hank arrived, Luke was sleeping and Emilia was thankfully still sleeping as well and after Erin had checked on them both again, they were good to go.

″Emmy's not been her usual self today, she's probably teething, so she might not sleep too well,″ Erin told Hank in the hallway, her hand intertwined with Jay's as she gave some last instructions. ″When you get the feeling that something's not right with her, call and we'll come back. The same goes for Luke. He usually sleeps through the night but in case he wakes up and doesn't feel comfortable with the situation of neither of us being there, call and we'll come back.″

″Yes mama bear,″ Hank smirked at his pseudo-daughter, leaning in the doorway casually and waiting for them to finally leave.

″I mean it,″ she chuckled.

″I know, kiddo.″

″Good,″ Erin grinned. ″It would be great if you could check on Emmy from time to time, just to make sure that she's not developing a fever.″

″Will do,″ Hank nodded. ″Now get outta here, I bet they're already waiting for you.″

″Most likely,″ Jay laughed and glanced at his watch that showed him that they were of course late. This was another thing that has changed ever since they were parents: they barely made it anywhere in time. Something always popped up that made them run late.

″Alright, alright, let's go,″ she grinned innocently, holding her hand up in defence as if it wasn't her fault that they were late.

″Have fun,″ Hank waved them goodbye when he closed the door behind him and he could only smile and slightly shake his head by the fact how much of a mama bear Erin was. Being a mother was something he hadn't exactly thought she would need not that long ago but nowadays he knew that probably nothing has ever fulfilled her more than being a mother.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Molly's was packed with firefighters, doctors, nurses, cops and some people from the neighborhood and it wasn't a big surprise that their team mates were already impatiently waiting for them. They all cheered when Erin and Jay finally stepped into the crowded bar, joked that they'd already thought they would stand them up, and then moved closer together in the booth so they would find a spot. Two more beers and a round of shots were ordered instantly, for sure the only shot Erin would drink tonight as this kind of alcohol wasn't her thing anymore at all and she preferred a beer or a cocktail over shots and hard liquor anytime.

″Where's Kim?″ Erin asked Adam and sipped on her beer.

″Nightshift. There's this event going on in Millenium Park and they needed cops for that, so Platt basically didn't give her much of a choice.″

″Yep, that sounds like our lovely desk sergeant,″ Jay chuckled slightly.

″What about Sarah?″ Erin asked, changing her gaze from Adam to Mouse.

″Nightshift,″ Mouse also said.

″And Sylvie?″ she asked, looking at Antonio.

″Well, nightshift,″ he laughed.

″Wow,″ Erin laughed. ″Makes me somehow even gladder that Jay and I work in the same unit.″

″Lucky you,″ Antonio winked at his younger colleague. ″But this is an evening just for us anyway, so...″ he said, helping the server, who brought the shots in that moment, to give one glass full of this burning liquor to everyone.

″To Intelligence,″ he toasted and raised his glass, the others doing the same. ″Everyone did a fine job today. That was one of the cases that needed to be solved.″

″To Intelligence,″ they all chorused and nodded in agreement before the glasses found their ways to their mouths, the dark brown liquid burning down their throats and then making its way right into their heads.

Evenings with the team were there to not talk about work or the case that had them all robbed their sleep last night. They were there to enjoy these team vibes and each other's company and their conversations went from Kevin talking about his siblings and Antonio talking about his kids, who were around the same age as Kevin's siblings and had similar high School and college trouble, to them discussing why the Cubs hadn't made it to the World Series this year and why the Bears not for once could surprise everyone by assembling a team that didn't cause their loyal fans headaches. They ordered more shots, Erin declining politely, and while they all poured more of the brown liquor down, she excused herself to the restrooms, mainly because she wanted to check her phone for any messages and didn't want to look like the overprotective mother she was when it came to Emilia, in front of her team. Though they of course all knew that.

When she pressed the button for her screen to light up on the way back from the restroom, it showed zero new messages, which should've made her feel easier as it was a sign that Emmy was doing okay, but somehow it didn't. Her gaze was still concentrating on her phone as she was contemplaiting to give Hank a quick call, just to make sure Emilia wasn't going nuclear right now, when she more or less ran directly into Kelly Severide thanks to not paying attention where she was going.

″Hey Miss Halstead,″ Kelly laughed. ″Haven't seen you in months and now you run me down?″

″Uhm, sorry,″ Erin chuckled. ″Wasn't my intention, Mister Severide.″

″Forgive and forget,″ he smiled. ″You look good. How are you doing?″

″Well, there are days when I ask myself how I even manage it from getting up to going to bed but other than that,″ she laughed, ″not too bad.″

″I heard you and Jay are fostering a boy now,″ Kelly nodded.

″Always nice to know that the moccasin telegraph works,″ she noticed with a smile.

″Come on Erin, that's not really a big secret around here,″ he winked.

″No, probably not,″ she agreed.

″You have all my respect for doing this, I bet it's not always easy,″ he said, some real admiration in his voice.

″Thank you,″ Erin answered. ″It's a challenge. But this boy is worth any challenge.″

″That's most important,″ Kelly nodded. ″Anyway, I don't wanna keep you from going back to your team any longer. It was nice meeting you, Erin,″ he added and pulled her into a short hug that wasn't awkward or anything.

″You too.″

She was already walking past him and into the direction of her people when a sudden thought hit her and she spun around again. ″Uhm Kelly?″

″Yeah?″ he asked, turning around to her again.

″Can I ask you for a favor?″

″Depends on the favor,″ Kelly grinned.

″Luke's turning five on Halloween and right now it's his biggest dream to become a firefighter one day so he can drive the big truck. Do you think there might be the possibility that he can sit in the truck for a couple of minutes on his birthday?″

It seemed like Kelly didn't even have to consider her request. ″I'm sure we can work something out that his dream comes true,″ he smiled. ″I'll text you.″

″Thanks,″ Erin smiled back and then joined her team for real this time, everyone, she as well, having a new beer in front of them so the evening could continue for a little while longer.

″Emmy alright?″ Jay murmured into her ear as soon as she took the spot next to him, his hand finding its usual spot on her thigh. This man knew her too well.

″I didn't call him,″ she answered. ″I wanted to but then I literally ran Severide down and we talked for a minute and then I asked him for a favor for Luke's birthday next week and then I...forgot. But there was no message, so I guess it's all fine.″

″What's the plan for Luke's birthday?″ he asked curiously.

″I'll tell you later,″ she winked, her own hand joining his on her thigh.

In her absence, the guys have moved on from the Cubs and Bears to the Hawks and Erin tried her best to be a part of the conversation about players, tactics, possible championships and their hopes about bringing the Stanley Cup back home after 2015. After working with a team of men, of sports-crazy men, for almost five years already, she was used to these kind of conversations. Every Monday morning would start with the guys discussing the latest results of the Chicago teams over a cup of coffee and especially since Jay was a part of her life, her knowledge has increased tremendously. Though she'd of course known about touchdowns and homeruns before Jay had made it his priority that she knew _everything_ about baseball, hockey, basketball, football and soccer.

But next to giving her opinion from time to time and trying to laugh about the jokes of her favorite goofs, she more and more had the urge to give Hank a call and when she looked at her phone for the fourth time in 20 minutes, to check for any messages, she felt Jay moving his hand atop hers and squeezing it softly.

″Your heart's not here right now, is it?″ he whispered into her ear.

″Not really,″ she admitted, an apologetic glance in her eyes. She didn't even know why she was that uneasy. She just had the feeling she should be home with her daughter instead of drinking another beer in Molly's.

″Then let's go home,″ he answered with an understanding smile.

″No,″ she shook her head. ″We can stay. She's most likely fine and I'm just paranoid.″

″Er, your heart's at home. So we go home that you can be there as well.″

Even after all these years, the endless amount of love that sparkled from his ocean blue orbs still overwhelmed her. ″Okay.″

Jay quickly told their team members that Emmy wasn't doing well and that they had to go home, which everyone of course understood. Kids and family always came first. They wished them lots of fun for the remainder of the night but reminded them to not overdo it as tomorrow was a workday that should better not start with an aspirin cocktail for half of the unit. Nonetheless they made sure to order them another round of beer on their way out as an apology that they were dropping out early.

They were almost at the car, Jay already pressing the button to open it, when Erin's phone rang and Hank told her that Emilia was indeed not doing well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Emilia's screaming welcomed them as soon as they opened the door to their house and without taking her shoes or jacket off, Erin stormed into the living room where she found Hank trying to calm the baby down by rubbing soothing circles onto her back while walking around.

″There's mommy,″ Hank said, seemingly relieved that they were back, and handed the almost 9-month-old to Erin.

″Hey sweetie,″ Erin soothed and pressed her crying daughter against her chest. ″What's wrong, huh? Is something hurting you? You're not feeling well?″

″She woke up and wouldn't stop,″ Hank explained, worriedness written all over his face. ″Not even Crispin could calm her. Her cheeks seemed to be a little warm, so I took her temperature and it was slightly elevated. When I offered her something to drink, she refused it and just kept on crying. That's when I called you.″

″She still drank earlier but she refused her food as well even though she got small pieces of potatoes and some pees and she usually loves that. So I thought she's teething and her gums ache too much to eat,″ Erin sighed, sensing that this was worse than teething and that their daughter was indeed fighting some virus. ″Ssssshh, Emmy, it's going to be alright. We will figure out what's going on and help you. Just let mommy check on your temperature again,″ she said and reached for the clinical ear thermometer that lay on the dining table.

″It was 100.9 around 40 minutes ago when I checked it.″

″It's 101.5 now, so I'd say someone is developing a fever, huh bug?″ she asked her daughter and kissed her forehead.

″I have some Baby Tylenol here,″ Jay said when he entered the room, opposite to Erin without shoes and jacket, waving the red package as he joined them. ″Hey princess, how are you?″ he asked softly and stroked over her brown-blonde hair.

″We can't give her any. It's been ages since we last had to give her some and I have no idea which dose she gets,″ Erin sighed.

″That's why I called Will while I was looking for this upstairs in the bathroom,″ he smiled faintly. Of course her Mister Incredible thought of everything. This man simply never ceased to amaze her.

″Daddy's the best, Emmy,″ she whispered against the baby's head before turning her gaze to Jay and giving him a thankful smile. ″Now you will get better.″

″Alright, I will leave the three of you alone then,″ Hank said and got closer to Erin so he could kiss Emilia's head for goodbye. ″Goodnight pumpkin, get well soon.″

″Thanks for everything,″ Erin tiredly smiled at her father-figure.

″Always, kiddo,″ Hank grinned and kissed her forehead. ″Make sure this munchkin gets better. Of course you don't have to come in tomorrow.″

″I appreciate it though I hope she'll be able to fight it off and be back to her usual self tomorrow.″ It was a wish that she deep down inside knew was unlikely to come true.

As soon as Hank was gone, they gave Emilia the Tylenol and offered her something to drink again but once more she refused which was what worried Jay and Erin the most. Developing a fever and not drinking was the worst out of all combinations. They walked with her through the living room until the crying slowly vanished, the Tylenol doing quite the job, and then wrapped a thick blanket around her to walk with her through the garden now that she wouldn't wake up the whole neighborhood anymore because fresh air has always helped her to settle.

Surrounded by the quiet of their backyard, they stayed outside until she was sleeping all snuggled up to Jay's chest and then went back inside and upstairs, settling her in their bed tonight since they wanted to have her close so they could easily check on her throughout the night. When she was lying between them, even the dimmed lights from the lamp on the bedside tables showed that Emmy's cheeks were rosier than usual and covering her forehead with her palm, Erin was sure that she was even warmer now than earlier when actually the Tylenol should help to keep her temperature or lower it as well.

While Emmy seemed to sleep deeply, neither Jay nor Erin could really fall asleep and drifted more into some kind of slumber, literally sleeping with one eye open, so they didn't startle too badly when Emilia started to whimper, that rapidly turned into loud screaming, at around 1.30pm, not even three hours after she's been up the last time.

″Hey Emmy, what's the matter?″ Jay yawned, adjusting his position and picking his daughter up into his arms.

″Oh sweet girl, if you could only talk,″ Erin sighed, leaning her head against Jay's shoulder, her hand checking Emilia's forehead once more. ″Jay she's burning,″ she noticed, some panic in her voice, and she reached for the thermometer and the bottle with cold fennel tea on the bedside table.

″Come on baby girl, drink something,″ Jay said, taking the bottle from Erin's hand. He tried to offer it to Emilia but she refused to take it and when he tried to put it into her mouth, she went even more nuclear and it resulted in the fennel tea being spread all over their sheets.

″Emmy come on,″ he sighed, picking the bottle up again while Erin took Emilia's temperature.

″105.1,″ Erin almost gasped, and she couldn't hide the shock that reading those numbers caused.

″105.1?″ Jay echoed, his eyes widening. He hasn't expected Emilia's temperature to be that high, especially compared to three hours prior.

″We have to take her to Med,″ she managed to say, swallowing down her inner panic in an attempt to stay calm. ″She's not drinking, she has a fever and she seems to be in pain. I can't wait until tomorrow morning to go and see the pediatrician.″

″Yeah, that's the only right thing to do,″ Jay agreed. ″Go and change, I make her ready.″

″You're not coming with?″ she asked but even before he answered she remembered that it wasn't just the three of them anymore and that there was this almost 5-year-old boy sleeping in the room down the hallway.

″Someone has to take care of Luke and we don't have the time to wait until a babysitter arrives,″ he said, this words breaking his own heart because he absolutely didn't want to leave his two girls alone. Reaching for her hand and squeezing it, he said: ″Hey, deep breath, okay? You can do this and Emmy will be fine. Will's working the graveyard shift and I will call him to tell him that you're coming. One Halstead is better than none.″ He tried to make it sound light, to make her feel better about this situation and somehow it even worked.

″Huh,″ she almost laughed out by his statement. ″Not the one that I want but I take it.″

″Good, now go and change.″

While Jay put some socks on Emmy's feet, a beanie on her head and then put her jacket on, Erin quickly, as in under five minutes, pulled her hair into a ponytail, slipped into a pair of yoga pants, a hoodie that was actually hers, some sneakers and her jacket and then took the still cyring baby from Jay's arms. He accompanied them to the garage where Erin settled Emmy in the car seat and assured his wife once again that everything was going to be fine. He could literally hear the heart pounding in her chest so he had to make sure that she was calm enough to drive and was in the right place with her mind, not going to that one place with all the worst-case-scenarios.

″Call me as soon as you know something,″ he said with a quick peck on her lips.

″Of course,″ she nodded, knowing exactly that Jay would not sleep a wink until both, she and Emmy were back home. Healthy. And happy.

When Jay watched them driving off in the distance, he wondered whether life was about to throw another loop for them by giving their daughter any kind of dangerous disease. And now he could hear his own heart pounding as well, could feel the panic creeping up that he'd managed to keep down in front of Erin since she'd needed him to be calm and in control of the situation.

Not that he actually ever was calm when something concerened his wife or his daughter.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Emilia was still crying in a way that pulled on Erin's heartstrings when she scooped her baby into her arms seconds after parking the car in front of Chicago Med.

″Uncle Will is going to help you, honey,″ she told her daughter as she made her way through the empty waiting area and right into the Emergency Department.

″Erin!″ Maggie greeted her as soon as she stepped in. ″Come on, Will's already waiting for you in trauma four.″

″Thank you Maggie,″ Erin said, letting out a breath of relief only because of being here, because of someone being able to help Emilia to get better.

″Hey sweet girl, what's going on?″ Maggie asked Emilia as they made their way to the trauma room. ″Did you catch a bad virus?″

″She has a fever, refuses to drink and she's just really not herself,″ Erin sighed.

″Yeah I can see that,″ Maggie nodded. Everyone knew Emilia as the smiley little girl, a real ray of sunshine. ″Your uncle is going to fix you, sweetheart,″ she added, squeezing Emmy's tiny hand.

″Damn sure he is,″ Will said, stepping out of the trauma room.

″Hey Will,″ Erin smiled forcedly.

″Hey Erin,″ he smiled back. ″And hello my little patient. Let's see what's going on with you.″

As soon as they were inside the trauma room, Erin took Emmy's beanie and jacket off and opened the buttons on her pajama so Will could sound her heart and lungs while Maggie took her temperature. It was up to 105.4 now and the fact that it was still rising made Erin all uneasy. When Will opened her mouth with a scoopula to look down her throat, she expected Emmy to go more nuclear again than just whimpering but the noise level in the room stayed the same, the fever and dehydration making her all groggy and limp.

″I think that's the problem right there,″ Will said, pulling the scoopula back, and met Erin's expectant gaze. ″She's having a tonsillitis. She has swollen and white coated tonsils. That's why she doesn't want to drink and why she screamed as much. Every time she swallows it hurts her a lot, right sweetie?″ Will asked, stroking his fingers over Emmy's cheek.

″Oh God, poor girl,″ Erin murmured against Emmy's head and alone the thought of what kind of pain she must've been in within the last few hours let tears spring to her eyes. ″What can we do about it?″

″I'd like to let the pediatrician on call have a look on her and discuss the best treatment with him but in fact there's no other way than antibiotics, which I know is the worst word for parents. But we need to get the fever down and antibiotics are very effective,″ he explained his sister-in-law. ″In addition she might better get an IV to rehydrate her a bit.″

″An IV?″ Erin echoed incredulously, remembering her daughter's heart-wrenching screams from the last time she'd needed an IV, back in April after having a reaction to her shots.

″I know, Erin,″ Will said understandingly, putting his hand on her upper arm. ″But it will help her to deal with the fever until the antibiotics operate and she's not refusing her bottle any longer.″

At this point, Erin had to inhale a deep breath to keep her tears at bay and swallow down the knot in her throat, giving her all to not break down in front of Maggie and Will by the thought of someone torturing her daughter with a needle that was too big for her arm. ″So she has to stay here?″ she asked weakly.

″For a couple of hours, yes,″ Will confirmed. ″Look, Erin. We bring her to a room upstairs, she'll get the antibiotics and fluids and then she can sleep it off because this stuff will help her to sleep for a couple of hours. And then probably in the early afternoon you can take her home.″

″Okay,″ she nodded slowly. ″But I stay with her.″

″Of course you do,″ Maggie smiled at her. ″Your daughter's not going anywhere without you.″

They brought Emmy up to the pediatric ward where the pediatrician on call tonight, Dr Fleming, examined her again and came to the same conclusion as Will, the tonsillitis being treated in the exact same way Will had told her. When Dr Fleming started to work on Emilia's arm with a big needle, Emilia naturally reacting to it instantly, Erin almost lost it but this time there was no Jay who could take care of this while she was breaking down in front of the room or vomitting the contents of her stomach into the toilet, so she had to be strong for her daughter although she just wanted to cry with her. Her eyes were burning, tears threatening to fall, but at least Dr Fleming seemed to be more capable of doing this than the doctor back in April had been, only needing two tries instead of four, which was still one too many for Erin's liking.

Once Emilia was settled in her little bed with the IV in her arm that brought the fluids and antibiotics into her veins, covered by a blanket that was unfortunately not her own as Erin had totally forgotten to bring anything in the heat of the moment, her breathing evened out quickly and she fell asleep. It was only when her daughter was peacefully sleeping in front of her, her tiny hand covered by her own, that Erin could feel some tension leave and had finally time to call Jay, who was for sure already going crazy at home, probably pacing up and down the stairs all the time. It was needless to say that he was relieved when his screen finally lit up, showing Erin as the caller.

The night passed without any major happenings, Emmy sleeping as her body fought the virus and regained its strength and Erin sitting next to her, keeping an eye on her all night. She neither wanted to sleep, nor was she even able to sleep but by the time the dawn set in and everything started to get busier in front of the room, she felt like a zombie, her own exhaustion written all over her face.

″Hey there,″ she suddenly heard a familiar voice behind her and for a moment she wondered whether she was hallucinating, her head hearing the voice of the man she wanted to be here so badly.

She spun around and in case she actually wasn't hallucinating, not only her ears playing a trick on her but also her eyes, he was really there. The one man whose embrace she's longed for all night.

″Hey,″ she said quietly, hints of a real smile appearing on her face, and she jumped up from the chair and right into his arms, nestling into his embrace and hoping that he would never stop holding her like this.

″How are you holding on?″ he mumbled into her hair.

″I'm hanging in there,″ she answered against his chest.

″And my little princess?″

″She's been sleeping for the last couple of hours but I think she's getting better.″ Erin lifted her head to press her lips against his before lacing her fingers through his to pull him to the crib.

″Hey Emmy,″ he whispered and stroked her cheeks. ″You had us worried last night, young lady. You know that this no-hospitals-deal actually includes you as well, not only mommy and me.″

″Honestly, I hate this place. I have the feeling we can ask for a quantity discount by now.″

″Yeah, maybe we can negotiate some flatrate,″ Jay grinned, wrapping his arm around her shoulder as they peered down on their daughter.

″Something like that,″ she chuckled slightly. ″How did you even manage to come here as early? And where's Luke?″

″Luke's the reason why Will's not home yet,″ he winked somehow cheekily. ″I woke him earlier than usual and once I was here and saw my brother just chilling in the doctor's lounge, I parked Luke with him for a couple of minutes.″

″I bet your brother liked that,″ Erin laughed.

″They watch some videos on his phone, so it's not that bad. And anyway, that's a family matter and he's happy to help.″

″Yeah,″ she nodded pensively. ″There's nothing I'm more thankful for than this family.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was Natalie who discharged Emilia in the early afternoon after Erin had basically bugged her sister-in-law for hours to let them go home because she was sure that Emmy would get better faster in her familiar surroundings, sleeping in her own bed with her stuffies and her blanket. The little girl was still groggy and whiny due to the fever but she was drinking on her own again, even eating a little bit of pulp, the antibiotics doing a proper job by reducing the fever and the inflammation in her throat so she wasn't in as much pain anymore.

In general, having a sick baby sucked in many ways, mostly because Erin hated nothing more than seeing her child sick and not being her usual self, but one thing she wouldn't complain about was how cuddly Emmy was. She always wanted to snuggle with her mother and fell asleep best when they were both lying on the couch or in the bed, Emilia using her mother's chest as pillow and enjoying how Erin rubbed her back and cradled her to sleep. And during the night, when she woke up several times, it was Jay who got some extra snuggles while cradling her back to sleep in the rocking chair.

While Jay of course had to go to work during the day and could only be there for his sick daughter in the evenings and during the night, Erin stayed at home with her for full three days, Emilia slowly doing better and being interested in her toys, in Crispin and in Luke again. And no later than when she greeted her parents standing on her own feet in her crib again, grinning all cheeky, and later in the morning pulled herself up with the help of the couch and even tried to stand without holding herself anywhere, it was obvious that the worst was over and that she was feeling up to nonsense again.

With Emilia being sick and their life being this chaotic once more, Erin of course hadn't managed to visit Rylie like she usually did on Wednesday afternoon after finishing her shift around 2.30 and before picking up Luke from preschool and Emmy from Carol's place, so she found herself passing the threshold of the Center of Hope on Sunday, two days before Luke's birthday.

″Erin!″ Rylie smiled brightly when she saw her walking into the common room, and she jumped up from her chair to meet her halfway.

″Hey!″ Erin smiled back and pulled the young girl into a hug. She's been in rehab for a little over four weeks now and the positive changes were already obvious. She looked healthy, her blonde hair cut a little shorter and shining, her eyes not as sad and hopeless anymore, the dark circles gone. But she still reminded Erin of a teenager with her tiny frame almost disappearing in a big hoodie.

″How are you doing?″ she asked as they walked back to the small table where Rylie'd painted a mandala.

″I'm good. I feel good. Better every day in fact,″ Rylie answered as they sat down.

″That's great, Rylie.″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded and bit her lower lip with her teeth as if she was embarrassed about the things she said next. ″I...uh...I'm even doing that good that they allow me to spend an afternoon outside of the facility. Not alone of course.″

″Hey, why are you embarrassed about that? That's amazing!″ Erin exclaimed excitedly.

″Yeah...it is...I guess,″ Rylie smiled sheepishly. ″It's just the first time that someone told me I'm doing good...and that I get a reward for what I'm doing.″

″You've earned it, girl,″ Erin assured her. ″I mean, look at your progress. You're talking with the psychologist, you attend cooking classes and everything else they offer and you're basically their model student. That's something to be proud of,″ Erin winked. She knew from the people that worked with Rylie on a daily basis, that the young mother was eager to turn her life around, was always attentive during classes, asked questions and took notes. She even seemed to help other girls that were struggling and was in general doing no wrong. This of course didn't mean that she would make it once she was out, real life would for sure try to hit her, but right now she was on the right way.

″I...I want to take that chance that I have thanks to you,″ she admitted, giving Erin a thankful smile. ″And I want to have Luke back.″

″I know,″ Erin smiled back at her. ″And you're on the best way to make that happen.″

″Huh,″ she only nodded, staring at her hands in her lap and Erin knew that she had more on her mind. ″Talking about Luke...″ she started and lifted her head to look at Erin. ″I thought...I could maybe use this free afternoon thing to visit him on his birthday.″

For a moment, Erin didn't know what to answer as her brain tried to from a sentence that should be able to tell Rylie that this wasn't a good idea without making it sound like she didn't want to have Rylie around her own son and tried to shield him from her.

″Rylie, listen,″ she sighed. ″Those last few weeks have been hard for Luke. You know that. And seeing you, he would be ecstatic,″ she smiled faintly. ″But it would only make things harder for him. He wouldn't understand why you have to leave him again, why you can't visit him every day. In the beginning it was hard for him to accept that you're not here and only now he's started to accept that the phone calls are the only possibility to talk with you. He's okay with hearing your voice and us telling him that you will be back soon. But he would not be okay with you visiting but not staying. It would confuse him and bring him back to square one.″ Erin had the feeling she was rambling and only hoped that what she said made sense, that Rylie understood the point she made, she tried to make.

″He's my son!″ Rylie called, tears looming in her eyes. ″I never missed his birthday before!″

″And you will never miss another birthday, okay?″ Erin asked, her voice steady and calm but emphatic. ″But you have to understand that this is not about you. It's about Luke and right now, he just simply wouldn't understand and would have to go through the same thing again he went through five weeks ago. And just for one second, consider whether it would be good for _you_ to see him now and then go back here for at least another month. I think, it would jeopardize all those little steps you've come so far, wouldn't it?″ she asked, sensing that if Rylie saw her son now, she would probably do something very stupid, as in running away and trying to take her son with her because she thought she was healed, because after seeing him she wanted to be back with him even more.

At first, it didn't seem like Rylie would answer that question, would just ignore it and give Erin a silent confirmation that those thoughts weren't exactly wrong. But then she nodded her head slightly and whispered: ″Maybe.″

″That's not worth it. If you keep on doing what you've been doing the last five weeks, you will be out of here by early December. That's not even five more weeks,″ she encouraged her.

″Okay,″ Rylie nodded, swiping the tears, that fell from her eyes, away with her hand.

″Okay,″ Erin echoed, letting out a breath she hadn't known she's been holding.

″My heart will be with him because my heart is where Luke is,″ she whispered.

″And that's all that matters,″ Erin agreed and they fell into a moment of silence, Erin giving Rylie the time she needed to dry her tears.

″So this afternoon thing: how much do you know about this city? How much have you seen of this city?″ she asked when she had the feeling that Rylie has calmed down.

″Uhm,″ she stammered, shooting her a confused glance. ″I guess every tourist knows more about this city than I do.″

″Then we'll change that,″ Erin winked. ″I'll figure out a day and a time that suits me best and then I'll pick you up and we'll play tourists.″

″You...you want to spend an afternoon with me?″ she asked in disbelief.

″Yeah, I figured that would be the most fun for you. But you're totally free to spend the afternoon having one of those...guards around,″ she chuckled.

″You kidding?″ Rylie grinned, her face brightening up. ″I'm more than happy to get rid of them for a couple of hours.″

″Deal,″ Erin winked and extended her hand for Rylie to shake it.

″Deal,″ the young girl beamed. ″Thank you, Erin...you are...,″ she stammered, not finding the right words for everything she wanted to tell her, so she held them back until she could tell Erin all the things she deserved to hear. ″This really means a lot.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Okay, so I go and pick up the cake, bring it home, take care of those balloons and all the other stuff and then I come back, pick you up, we go and pick Emmy up and then we pick Luke up from preschool and drive to 51,″ Erin explained her plan in the locker room while she changed her shoes from her work boots to some comfy sneakers.

″That's lots of picking up,″ Jay chuckled, leaning against her locker casually.

″Well...yes...whatever,″ she laughed.

″When do you think you'll be back?″

″Be ready at 3.00,″ she said with a glance at the clock that was hanging on the wall over the door.

″Okay, so you'll be here at 3.30. Got it,″ he sassed.

″What? No!″ she called and got up only to punch her fist against his shoulder. ″I don't have the kids with me, so I'll be here in time.″

″Wanna bet about that?″ he asked, raising his eyebrow playfully. ″Just because you seem so convinced.″

″You know Jay Halstead,″ she narrowed her eyes at him. ″Sometimes I really wanna-″

″Kiss you?″ he finished her sentence and pressed his lips against hers before she could say anything. ″Yeah, me too,″ he smirked afterwards.

″Yeah, I guess sometimes even that,″ she grinned back all innocent and brushed her lips against his again before she left. Who would've thought two years ago that PDA in the workplace would ever be a thing for them?

Within the next hour, Erin went to the bakery to pick up Luke's specially ordered birthday cake, a chocolate chip cake with vanilla icing, _Happy Birthday Luke_ written on it with chocolate icing, and Pluto being next to the writing, making this cake a real masterpiece, and then straight back home to decorate their dining room with balloons and some garlands and the table with confetti and two smaller gifts. He'd gotten two this morning already, during their chocolate-chip-pancake breakfast, and by the way his face had brightened up they figured he'd either not expected to get gifts or he simply was not used to getting more than one. And now an even bigger surprise was waiting for him at Firehouse 51 and Erin found herself being unusually excited.

She made it back to the 21st by 3.10pm and when Jay hopped into the car, she immediately said: ″Shut up.″

″I wasn't going to say anything,″ he chuckled and buckled his seatbelt. ″You know, because I'm a gentleman.″

″Yeah, sure,″ she laughed, threw him an amorous glance with his favorite dimpled smile and then pulled out on the street to drive straight to Carol.

Picking up Emmy and Crispin was followed by picking up Luke from preschool and once their car was full with two kids and a dog, Luke's excited chatter filled the air, the young boy making sure to tell them everything that happened at preschool today.

″We baked a cake together. A vanilla cake. And then we had to wait until it wasn't too hot to eat anymore and so we played a game and I was the one to choose the game,″ he told them proudly. ″And then they all sang for me and we ate the cake. There were five candles on it and I could blow them out all at once. So I wished for-″

″Sssshh, buddy, you're not supposed to tell anyone or it's not coming true,″ Jay interrupted him.

″Okay,″ he nodded. ″I got two pieces of cake but I shared my second one with Kayla.″

″Kayla?″ Jay asked. ″Who's Kayla?″

″She's my friend,″ Luke giggled. ″But Zoe is my friend as well and I didn't share with her, so she got mad,″ he said like it wasn't a big deal.

″Luke, why didn't you share with both of them?″ Jay asked. ″That's what a gentleman would do.″

″I shared my sandwich with her last week.″

″Waaaaaiit,″ Erin interjected. ″The sandwiches that I make for you every morning...you share them?″

″Yes,″ Luke nodded eagerly. ″The girls like them. And all the fruits.″

″The girls?″ Jay echoed, exchanging glances with Erin.

″Yes,″ he beamed. ″Kayla and Zoe and Jazmine and Mia.″

″Huh,″ Jay chuckled and then turned his head to Erin. ″Boy knows the drill: feed the girls and they adore you,″ he said with a low voice, his statement accompanied by a cocky wink. ″Right?″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Luke's eyes widened as soon as they were at the fire station, only being close to fire trucks being a dream coming true for him. Yet, he had no idea that the real surprise was even better.

″Wow,″ he breathed out, his eyes roaming the fire truck that was parked in front of 51.

″Hey guys!″ Kelly called and walked towards them and as soon as he was close enough, he asked: ″Are you Lieutenant Luke?″

The blonde boy looked at Erin and Jay for help. ″Am I?″ he asked all insecure, stunned by meeting a real firefighter.

″Yeah bud, I guess you are,″ Jay winked, kneeling down next to his foster son.

″I am,″ Luke then said to Kelly.

″Nice to finally meet you Lieutenant Luke,″ Kelly grinned and knelt down in front of him as well. ″I brought you a jacket,″ he said, and the arm he's hidden behind his back, revealed a firefighter jacket in children's size.

″For me?″ Luke whispered stunned.

″Of course. As a Lieutenant you need a proper jacket,″ Kelly winked. ″Let's try it on.″

With Jay's help, he slipped into the jacket, that was a little too big for him, and once he was wearing the dark jacket with the neon yellow stripes and letters, he was beaming in a way Erin has never seen before and it almost brought tears to her eyes seeing him this happy.

″Alright Lieutenant Luke, are you now ready for a ride in the fire truck with your driver Otis?″

By this question, Luke's mouth dropped open and since he was completely speechless, he only nodded his head in shock.

″Can I sit in front?″ he whispered.

″Of course you can, come on.″ Kelly opened the door and Jay lifted Luke up and into the driver's cab so he could sit next to Otis.

″One of you can join as well,″ he said to Erin, who was carrying Emmy on her hip, and Jay.

″Yeah, let the kid go with the kid,″ Erin laughed.

″You sure?″ Jay asked.

″Hop in already,″ she smirked and pushed him into the direction of the open door. He took the place next to Luke and wrapped his arm around the little boy to pull him closer and for a moment he felt the same excitement rushing through his body that probably rushed through Luke's as well.

″You ready for this?″ he asked.

″Yes,″ he beamed. ″Can we do the sirens?″ he asked Otis.

″But only for a second,″ Otis grinned and with that he started the truck and the sirens so they could start their short drive around the block.

Meanwhile, Erin, Emilia and Kelly stayed back and watched them driving off. ″Seriously Kelly, I don't know how to thank you for this. I've never seen him smile like this before. You made this day one he will remember forever.″

″Naaah, come on, give yourself some credit. It was your idea,″ he winked.

″My idea was for him to sit in the truck for a minute or two. And now he got a jacket and Otis is driving him around the block...this is so much more. Thank you,″ she smiled.

″Always, Erin,″ he said honestly. ″You know, this was my chance to finally give something back to you and probably I still had the feeling I have to make up for everything that happened after Shay...so I wanted to do this right.″

″I really appreciate it. But just so you know, next beer in Molly's is one me,″ she grinned.

″Count me in.″

They kept on doing their smalltalk for another ten minutes until the truck rounded the corner again and parked in front of the station, a beaming Jay and a beaming Luke leaving the driver's cab.

″Look at those two, I'm not sure who's smiling brighter,″ Kelly laughed.

″Boys will be boys I guess,″ Erin laughed as well and walked toward her two 'men' to welcome them back.

″How was it?″ she asked and the moment Luke opened his mouth, Erin was sure he wouldn't talk about anything else for the rest of the day. Or the rest of the week. Or probably for the rest of the year...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you liked this chapter and it made you smile. Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	79. Milestones

**Thank you guys for keeping me motivated and eager to write more with your continuous support and feedback! Here comes chapter 79, enjoy! :)**

* * *

 **7** **9\. Milestones**

″Look at you Emilia Halstead, what a big girl you are!″ Maggie exclaimed with a bright smile when Erin walked into the Emergency Department of Chicago Med, holding Emilia's hands from above so the little girl could walk on her own feet that were covered in the cutest winter boots.

It was mid November, Thanksgiving and even Christmas approaching fast, most days being cold, grey, windy, rainy and in general just simply nasty and ugly, and a week ago, only standing on her feet hadn't been enough for Emilia anymore and she's started to walk with the help of her parents. By now she was rather demanding to walk than to be carried around and Jay and Erin were sure they would pay that with severe back damage caused by always walking with a stoop. It was a price they would pay anytime though. And anyway, with the pace Emmy was already walking around, she would be able to walk all by herself rather sooner than later so they gladly helped her as long as their daughter actually still needed them to walk.

″Hey Maggie,″ Erin lifted her head at the nurse and smiled before dedicating her attention to Emilia again. ″Come on, sweetie, just a couple more steps.″

″There you go,″ Erin exclaimed excitedly once they reached Maggie and scooped her squeaking daughter up into her arms.

″I can't believe she's walking,″ Maggie shook her head slightly.

″Jay and I can't either,″ Erin smiled and looked at her daughter, her grown-up daughter who looked like a toddler in those jeans and winter jacket she was wearing and with those boots on her feet and the beanie on her head. ″It's somehow bittersweet.″

″When did you grow up into a walker little lady?″ Maggie asked Emilia and tickled her gently.

″Well, she's almost 10 months old, so it had to happen I guess,″ Erin sighed.

″Yeah, they don't stay little,″ Maggie winked.

″Can you believe that it's been almost 10 months since I waddled in here with that big belly in front of me?″ she chuckled slightly.

″Oh I remember that day. I just had look in your face and knew it was time. And Jay's face told the same story. I mean, there was no color left,″ Maggie laughed.

″Yeah, I guess after almost 41 weeks he was quite shocked when it was actually time,″ Erin grinned, remembering every single second of those 16 hours like it had been yesterday. And now she could soon start to plan Emilia's first birthday party.

″Uh-huh, it's always a shocker when it's suddenly the real deal,″ Maggie winked. ″Anyway, what can I do for you two? She's doing fine after he tonsillitis, isn't she?″

″Oh yeah, she's up to anything these days and has too much energy,″ Erin chuckled. ″There's actually something I have to talk about with Will...and probably Goodwin, so I thought I use my free day for that.″ Her free day was actually the day where she sometimes felt more beat in the evening than after a full day in the bullpen including chasing whichever gangster thought it was smart to run away from them through some alley. Being a housewife and full-time mom was definitely the harder job out of the two of them but she wouldn't want to miss her time at home.

″Goodwin should be in her office and Will is treating a patient in trauma one. You want Will first I guess?″

″Yeah, that would be great,″ Erin confirmed.

″Okay, I'll let him know you're here as soon as he's back. You can just wait in the doctor's lounge if you want,″ Maggie suggested.

″Thank you Maggie,″ she smiled at her. ″So Emmy, you wanna walk a little more?″ she asked her daughter and put her down on the floor again.

They slowly walked to the doctor's lounge and it was adorable how concentrated Emilia was on putting one foot in front of the other. Jay always mocked Erin, telling her Emilia had the exact same facial expression when she was walking that she had when she was all concentrated on some paperwork in the bullpen.

Once they were inside the doctor's lounge and made themselves comfortable on the couch, Erin took off Emilia's jacket and beanie so she wouldn't get too warm and then reached for the diaper bag, that she'd placed on the floor, to get the book she's brought to keep Emilia entertained and in a good mood. They scrolled through the touch and feel book about animals, Erin always telling Emmy about the different animals and what kind of noises they made, being that kind of mother she herself never had when she was that young.

″Look, that's a dog, just like Crispin,″ she explained. ″Can you say that? Dog.″

″Daaa,″ Emmy babbled.

″Yaah, something like that,″ Erin chuckled. ″It's a dog, Emmy. You wanna feel the dog's fur?″ she asked and guided her hand to the dog's fur. ″Not as cool as Crispin's, right?″

″Mamama.″

″What do you wanna tell me with that, huh?″ Erin laughed which resulted in Emmy laughing heartily as well.

″Look at that, my favorite niece and my favorite sister-in-law,″ Will smirked, when he entered the room a couple minutes later, finding Emmy being completely captivated by the pictures in the book and by what her mother told her about the animals one could find on a farm.

″Hey Will,″ Erin smiled up at him. ″Say hi to your uncle Will, Emmy.″

″Daaa,″ she babbled once more.

″No, he's not a dog, Emmy,″ Erin laughed.

″Nice one, Emmy,″ Will laughed as well and joined them on the couch. ″So _daaa_ is dog?″

″Well...I think so,″ she chuckled. ″Not a hundred percent sure though.″

″Looks like she gets that talking thing going now, huh?″

″She gets all this toddler stuff going right now,″ Erin answered with a sigh.

″You're big girl, Emilia Halstead, aren't you?″ Will baby-talked and reached for his niece to settle her in his lap. ″So, what can I do for you?″ he asked before adding with an ever so innocent smirk: ″My brother driving you nuts?″

″No, he's not of course,″ Erin answered and gave her brother-in-law a soft punch.

″Okay, so you don't need help with handling my brother...to what do I owe the honor of this visit?″

″You remember how almost a year ago you begged me to talk with Jay about the bone marrow donation and he ended up saving your dad's life?″

″I would never forget that, Erin,″ Will answered honestly though she could see the confusion in his face. The young doctor probably sensed that she needed quite the favor bringing this up.

″Okay,″ Erin breathed out. ″So...uhm...you don't owe me for that. You never did and you never will. We are a family and that's what you do for family...but I really do need your help with something,″ she rambled.

″Erin,″ Will said and couldn't hide a little smile because his sister-in-law rambling, that was something new. ″Shoot.″

″Alright...,″ she breathed out. And so she told him what had happened last Saturday, when she'd spent the afternoon with Rylie to show her the city she's been living in her whole life, while Jay and Will, the latter also being alone with Owen, had used their women-free afternoon to take the kids to an indoor playground.

″ _Okay okay okay, where are we going?″ To say Rylie's voice was excited and ecstatic as she hopped into the passenger's seat of the 300 was an understatement. The young girl seemed to be over the moon and when Erin scanned her from the side for a moment, she couldn't hide a proud smile. Her face was covered with just the right amount of make-up, and not how Erin had first met her a couple of weeks back, her hair was braided in two braids, some strands falling into her face, a beanie covering her head. Together with the dark jeans, her converse shoes, the hoodie and the vest she was wearing, no one would ever think she'd been a drug-addict not even two months ago and was currently in rehab to battle all these demons. She looked healthy and happy, though Erin knew that the shadow of the past still lay on her. As well as she was still carrying around the weight of being seperated from her son and having lost her little brother recently._

″ _Patience is not your strength, huh?″ Erin grinned and started the engine of the 300 to pull out on the street and toward downtown._

″ _I'm just so excited...to see something else than the backyard and the same rooms all the time.″_

″ _You were out for trips, weren't you?″_

″ _Yeah, but only twice and each time it was only an hour or two. With five other girls. And some guards. Never for a whole afternoon...just me...and a friend.″ Her voice almost faded in the end, as if she wasn't sure whether she had the right to call Erin a friend._

″ _Then I hope I can do your expectations justice today,″ Erin smiled at her. ″Where did you go though?″_

″ _Uhm...once we went bowling. Which was fun. I just sucked,″ she laughed. ″The other time, we went to a public swimming pool. With slides and all. But we only had like an hour in there before we had to shower and drive back with the van. That sucked as well.″_

″ _So I hope six hours with me today won't suck,″ Erin said, raising her eyebrow at the young girl._

″ _I'm sure they won't,″ she smiled sheepishly. ″And don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the other trips. Every minute I'm allowed to spend outside is a good one. I just...I don't know. Sometimes those walls...they make me feel like I'm in jail.″_

″ _Hey, you're almost there. A month from now your life probably looks completely different.″_

″ _Yeah, I know,″ Rylie sighed. ″But back to the important things, where do we go?″_

 _Their first stop was Navy Pier and they took a ride with the Centennial Wheel to enjoy the look on the Chicago skyline while eating candy they'd bought in one of the candy stores. Afterwards, they strolled to downtown for a boat tour on the Chicago River, freezing their butts of while listening to the stories of all of Chicago's special and famous buildings and it seemed like Rylie soaked in every word, even asked two questions in the end. On the way back to the parking garage of Navy Pier, they warmed themselves up with a coffee-to-go before their tourist day continued with the Sears Tower and going all the way up to the Skydeck that provided a spectecular view over the city. Rylie was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning, seeing the city she's lived in for her whole life from this perspective for the very first time and she couldn't stop taking photos with her phone, telling Erin how she would want to print some of them to make her room more personal._

 _Dusk was almost setting in by the time they left the building, their tourist day coming to an end rapidly, but before Erin brought Rylie back to the Center of Hope, they picked up Deep Dish Pizza to go from Uno's as Erin wanted to go to one last special place with her._

″ _That's one of my favorite places,″ Erin said as she put the blanket, that she always had in the trunk since having a child and a dog, on the steps in front of the Planetarium so they could sit down without risking to catch an inflammation of the bladder or any other virus._

″ _It's beautiful,″ Rylie almost whispered as they sat down, as the Chicago skyline slowly lit up in front of them while the world around them got darker with every minute passing._

″ _It's Jay's and my favorite place in the city,″ she smiled and took a piece of pizza. The Chicago Skyline was simply something else and they'd been here a zillion times in their early days of dating. By now, strolling all along the Lake Front to the Planetarium has become a rarity but when they had the chance to leave the suburbs for an evening to experience some downtown or West Loop vibes, they always tried to come here as well._

″ _Let me guess, he proposed to you here?″ Rylie grinned, taking a piece as well._

″ _Nope,″ Erin laughed. ″He proposed to me at his cabin in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin, inches of snow surrounding us, sparklers in the snow and all.″_

″ _Wow...that sounds romantic,″ she answered and Erin could tell from her voice that she didn't know any guy that would do something as romantic. But that at the same time she wished that one day a guy would do something similar for her._

″ _It was,″ Erin confirmed. ″Never thought that a guy would do something like this for me,″ she added meaningfully._

″ _You hit the jackpot,″ Rylie nodded. ″The guy, the kid, the job. You've got it all.″_

″ _Yeah,″ Erin said. ″And I have to thank one person for that. One person that believed in me when no one else did.″_

″ _Huh,″ Rylie shrugged, staring at the skyline in front of her._

″ _I believe in you, Rylie. And you should believe in yourself as well.″_

″ _Huh,″ she shrugged once again but Erin saw how her lip was now trembling, tears brimming in her eyes._

″ _What? You don't believe in yourself?″ Erin asked._

″ _I...I...″ she stammered, her voice breaking. ″No,″ she whispered. ″I mean...how should I?″ she asked, her gaze still fixated on the skyline as if she was scared to look at Erin even for a second. ″I might be out in three or four weeks, but what will my life be like then? I don't have an apartment anymore. I don't have a job anymore. I don't have a brother and a son anymore,″ she said bitterly, the tears falling from her eyes._

″ _You might be right about most of this but you're wrong about the most important thing. You still have a son, Rylie. And he's waiting for you to get your shit together so he can be with his mom again. And yeah, you don't have an apartment and you don't have a job, so what do we do about that?″ she asked, the tiniest bit of challenge in her voice toward the end as she didn't want Rylie to feel sorry for herself. She'd wanted to talk about her future with her anyway, so she was glad that it's now somehow come up by itself. ″I know you talk about your future during classes, so what did you say you wanna do when they asked you?″_

″ _What I_ **want** _to do and what I_ **can** _do with my record are two very different kinds of animals.″_

″ _Don't let this record define who you are,″ Erin mentioned carefully, knowing exactly what Rylie meant._

″ _Define who I am?″ Rylie echoed. ″It is who I am! Who wants to hire a twentyone-year-old ex-drug-addict prostitute that hasn't graduated highschool? Retail? Restaurants? I doubt it,″ she snapped, a sarcastic laughter leaving her lips._

″ _You want to work in retail?″ Erin asked, ignoring most of what she'd just said._

″ _It doesn't fucking matter. I can't-″_

″ _Hey! I asked you whether you want to work in retail!″ Erin interrupted her and for the very first time in weeks her voice was rising as she spoke with the young girl._

 _Rylie bit her lip and then shook her head no. ″I don't,″ she said sheepishly._

″ _You want to work in a restaurant?″_

″ _No,″ she denied._

″ _Okay, here we go again: What do you want?″ Erin asked again. She knew she was pushing her, probably even too much, but this was an important step for Rylie and if she couldn't take that step, all her progress in the last few weeks would be for nothing. If she didn't start to build her future now, there was a huge possibility that she would go back down that rabbit hole once she was out of the facility._

″ _I...I want...,″ she stammered. ″I want to become a nurse,″ she breathed out and for the first time she turned her head to look at Erin and the amount of hopelessness and giving-up she saw in Rylie's eyes broke her heart. ″So tell me, who's ever going to let someone like me work with drugs?″_

″Erin, please tell me you didn't promise-″ Will said at that point of the story, but Erin interrupted him before he could finish his conclusion.

″No, no, no,″ she denied quickly. ″I didn't promise her anything. I mean, how stupid would it be to promise something I don't know I can keep?″ she asked with a smile.

″Very stupid,″ Will chuckled somehow nervously. ″So what did you tell her then?″

″Well, first of all, I gave her a condition. That she has to enroll into online highschool classes immediately so she can get her highschool diploma. And once she has that going, I'll see what I can do for her. So here I am, seeing what I can do for her,″ Erin explained with a shy smile, biting her lip innocently. Will could definitely understand how she got his brother wrapped around her finger all the time.

″Erin, I don't think I can help you here...-″

″See, Will, I know it doesn't look great on paper. I know she has a record that realistically keeps her from ever working as a nurse or anything similar,″ she admitted. ″But...I'm not looking for a fulltime job for her. Just for someone giving her a chance. You know, some kind of internship she can do for three to six months so she can start living a real life for the very first time. It would be a milestone for her. And it doesn't even have to be paid. Just for the experience.″

″I understand that you want to help her,″ Will answered, furrowing a brow. ″But what do you need me for?″

″I need you as backup...when I go and talk with Goodwin.″

″Me?″ he asked rhetorically. ″I'm probably not the best person for that as you might now that Goodwin is not my best of friends.″

″I think you are the best person for that because you fight for what you want and don't give up...,″ Erin said meaningfully.

″This might be true. And it might not be an attitude Goodwin actually appreciates a lot,″ he laughed slightly. ″And anyway, Erin, I can't vouch for that girl. I don't even know her.″

″But you know me,″ she stated bluntly.

For a moment, Will looked at her and it seemed like he didn't know what to say, ran his hand through his hair. ″You're putting a lot on the line for that girl.″

Erin didn't even try to deny that because her brother-in-law was right. ″She's worth it,″ she only answered, before adding: ″When I decided I want to become a cop, Hank put a lot on the line to get me into the police academy because my record wasn't stellar either. And I don't think he, or anyone for that matter, ever regretted that he did this back then.″ Her eyes fell from looking at Will to her wedding band and then to her daughter who sat in Will's lap, the ginger's gaze following hers and of course he understood the unspoken. Without Hank Voight helping Erin to get into the police academy, he wouldn't have a niece right now and his brother wouldn't have a wife. Erin was one of the best things that happened to the Halstead family in a long time and she's changed his brother's life for the better in an extraordinary way.

″Okay,″ Will finally said. ″What do you want me to do?″

″I thought you could probably tell Goodwin that you would be something like a mentor for Rylie, you know, keeping an eye on her, teaching her stuff, being responsible for her in some way.″

″Uhm...first of all, I don't even know whether she could work in the ED or rather work somewhere upstairs, probably emptying bed pans all the time. But...″ he said as he saw Erin's face dropping. ″We could of course try to get her into the ED. But you'll need someone else than me to convince Goodwin because I barely teach nurses anything. They don't need me to tell them how to do their job.″

″So, what does that mean?″ Erin frowned.

″That means, that I will of course tell Goodwin to keep an eye on her but for all the other things, we might need to get Maggie on board before we go to Goodwin. And here you're lucky, because she actually likes me,″ he grinned. ″And Goodwin likes her, so let's find her,″ he said and got up from the couch, Emmy squeeking when her uncle Will swirled her through the air.

″Thank you,″ Erin smiled at him.

″Hey, we'll try. But it's not a done deal yet,″ he reminded her.

″I know.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Despacito_ was resounding from the radio when Erin stood at the kitchen island in the evening to make Shepard's pie but instead of getting the preparations for dinner done, she'd just set her knife aside to watch Luke and Emilia in awe, to witness a very precious moment. When she'd started to cook, the two of them had settled in the living room without her, creating an enormous mess with all the toys, and had started to play together peacefully with all the various toys. The moment the song had started to play though, Luke'd jumped up like a bouncy ball as it was his favorite song, to dance around through the living room while singing along in the most adorable way. Of course Emilia had tried to get up as well to follow the boy that was something like her big brother, and when Luke'd seen his foster-sister not being amused about being left behind, he'd helped her up and had then taken her by her hands, so they were currently dancing right in front of Erin, Luke being all careful and gentle with her and not being the wild boy he sometimes used to be.

Erin turned the music as loud that Olive and Justin could probably hear it in their house next to them and seeing her child and her foster-child like this, giggling and laughing heartily, Emilia's babbling most likely her try to sing with Luke, was not only all kinds of heartwarming but it almost brought tears to her eyes as it was a very special moment to witness, one she would for sure never forget and just made her heart beat faster. For various reasons. She knew that chances were high that Luke would not stay with them as she was sure Rylie could make this work, and seeing him leave would definitely be anything but easy. But at the same time she also knew that taking him in had been the best decision nonetheless. For various reasons as well.

Despite the loud music and the dance party in their living room, she heard the key turning in the lock and seconds later, Jay walked into the kitchen after a surpisingly short workday, a tiny bit of confusion on his face.

″What's going on here?″ he laughed.

″Look at these two,″ Erin smiled and motioned her head to the living room.

When his eyes fell on Emmy and Luke, his smile grew so big, Erin was sure it even hurt him. ″No idea what they're singing but hey,″ she laughed.

″Oh come on, you understand Spanish. You might not understand these two little stars but I'm sure you at least understand the singer,″ he grinned.

″Yeah, maybe. Working the beat for as many years with a Spanish speaking mentor was better than any Spanish college class,″ she shrugged. ″But if I reminded myself that I actually understand the lyrics I would forbid my kids to listen to that song,″ she chuckled.

″That dirty, huh?″

″Yup,″ she smirked. ″But whatever, aren't they the cutest kids in town?″

″Definitely,″ Jay grinned from ear to ear and then wrapped his arms around her from behind, lacing his hands in front of her stomach to pull her closer to his body and leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek. ″Didn't know we have two dancers here,″ he chuckled against her skin, his eyes again falling on the two kids that were definitely in their own little world right now.

″And singers, apparently,″ Erin laughed before turning pensive. ″You know, this might be one of my favorite moments ever. It's so pure and real and...I don't know...it's just...″ she rambled. ″I used to do that with Teddy.″

″One of the good memories, huh?″ he asked softly.

″One of the best,″ she admitted and turned around to him. Her voice was filled with rasp and emotions when she continued to talk. ″We turned the music on and danced...we laughed, we sang, we escaped to a different world. Where everything was perfect. And now I watch them and I'm just so happy that they don't have to escape from anything.″

Jay didn't answer with words, just brought his hand up to her face to stroke over her skin with his thumb as he leaned in to kiss her ever so soft, it messed with Erin's emotional state even more and was almost enough to really make her tear up. Feeling _this_ loved sometimes still overwhelmed her, especially in moments like this, when she was a little more vulnerable than usual.

″Let's dance with these two then,″ he whispered against her lips and lifted his head to give her one of his famous smiles. ″Not to escape. Just to enjoy.″

He pulled her with him before she could answer anything. Her answer would've been yes anyway.

″Hey kiddos, are we allowed to join?″ Jay asked.

″Yaaah, come,″ Luke beamed and so each of them took one of Emmy's hands and one of Luke's hands.

They 'danced' in their little circle beyond Despacito, the next song being one Luke liked almost as much, giggles and laughters and joyful squeeking filling the Halstead-household, probably like never before.

″That was awesome,″ Jay laughed when the song was over and some love ballade came up next. ″Wasn't it, bud?″ he asked Luke, running his hand through the boy's blonde hair.

″Yes,″ he nodded eagerly.

″And you know what other awesome thing you two little dancers are going to do now?″ he asked and knelt down in front of him.

″No, what?″ Luke answered curiously.

″You're going to have a bubble bath,″ Jay winked and tickled his belly.

″Yes yes yes bubble bath,″ Luke squealed and jumped right into Jay's arms, almost tackled him as he was this enthusiastic about having a bath with actual mountains of foam.

″Then let's go,″ Jay smirked and picked Emmy up as well, carrying her on one arm and Luke on the other.

″Don't flood the bathroom,″ Erin chuckled at her man who had his arms full with their two troublemakers, sensing that with Luke and Emmy in the same bathtub and Jay being the one in charge, this would end up with more water on the floor than in the tub.

″We'll try,″ Jay winked at her and turned around to carry his daughter and his foster-son upstairs, Erin watching them leave until they disappeared in the hallway. There was something about Jay having his arms full with these two that made her emotional yet again. But it wasn't until she was back preparing their dinner - all those pictures of Luke and Emmy dancing, of them dancing together, of Jay carrying both Emmy and Luke, still right in front of her eyes and making her smile - that she realized how much of milestone this had been for her.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay being home as early, being able to bathe Emmy and Luke, being able to have dinner with his family, being able to sit on the couch afterwards and read them a story, was the most perfect evening possible and Erin didn't mind a bit to cook and clean the kitchen all by herself if it meant her husband could be in full daddy-mode tonight. Tucking them in together when it was time to sleep was so much more beautiful than doing it alone and for the millionth time Erin wished that all their evenings would be like this. Or at least the majority of evenings. But reality had him and the whole unit working more night shifts and overtime than ever before, reducing their family evenings to a minimum.

How much she missed him being there in the evenings, she also realized later, when they lay on their couch together for the first time in forever, her head resting on his chest and his arm wrapped around her as they watched the Hawks game, their beers placed on the coffee table in front of them. Despite the fact that Crispin was lying on his blanket by Jay's feet and that they had two sleeping kids in the house, it almost felt like an evening in their early stages of dating, when they'd spent the evenings with eating take-out, drinking beer, watching some game of one of the Chicago teams and cuddling on the couch that ended in making out every single time.

″How did it go with Goodwin today?″ Jay finally got the chance to ask during the commercial break.

″She's a brain twister, not easy to crack,″ Erin chuckled.

″So?″

″I got Will on board. He got Maggie on board. And the three of us got Goodwin on board. Sort of.″

″Sort of?″ Jay echoed.

″Yeah, she didn't exactly say yes. But she agreed on meeting Rylie and having a chat with her and then making a decision based on that.″

″Fair enough.″

″Yes, I'm fine with that. The chance is there. Now it's mostly up to Rylie,″ she said. She'd never expected Goodwin to give Rylie an internship position just like this, so her giving Rylie a chance by meeting her in person felt like a win. ″Your brother really was a big help.″

″Yeah? You got him wrapped around your finger?″ Jay chuckled as Crispin jumped down from the couch and left for his bed upstairs.

″I didn't have to _wrap him around my finger_ ,″ she mimicked and gave him a soft punch on the chest with her hand, telling him in a nutshell how she'd convinced Will to help her, how they'd then convinced Maggie to help and how they'd last but not least appeared in Goodwin's office like the Three Musketeers on a mission to save the world. Or in their case, to get Rylie an internship position as an ED nurse.

″So in case she gets that internship, things are looking good for her that she makes it?″ Jay asked her once he knew the whole story.

″Honestly, Jay, I don't know,″ Erin admitted, speaking her concerns, that she's kept for herself so far, out loud for the first time. ″Getting sober is one thing. Staying sober is the other. It's different when the security of the rehab facility is gone and she's suddenly on her own. This might be the last hurdle she has to take,″ she sighed. ″I believe in her, I really do but I know how fragile that state is and how easily everything can fall apart.″

″I bet it won't be easy,″ Jay nodded, his mind considering her words and already going one step further. Or two. ″So where is she going to live?″

″She doesn't have an appartment anymore, her landlord threw her out because Ty was killed by a gang, so I guess some group home or sober home for starters.″

″You think she'll get the help there that she needs to take that last hurdle?″ Jay dug deeper.

″Uhm...I don't know, I guess...,″ she answered vaguely. ″They arrange meetings and do drug tests and offer classes and provide therapists. So it goes along with the conditions she has to get Luke back. She has to attend meetings, do drug tests, go back to school and speak with the psychologists. But I can't deny that it's a dangerous and toxic environment with so many fragile and broken people. One slips and others might follow...″

″So it's not what Rylie needs right now?″ he concluded.

″It's better than living on her own.″

″What about her living with us?″ Jay asked and this suggestion came as unexpected that she shot up, looking at him to reassure herself that she's actually heard right.

″What?″ she uttered.

″Come on, Er,″ he smiled faintly at his wife. ″You've been thinking about that as well.″

″I...well...yeah, I guess I did,″ she confirmed and Jay could literally hear the big _but_ that was coming before she spoke it out. ″But it would be like having a _third_ child, Jay. Somehow.″

″Rylie's not a child,″ Jay chuckled and adjusted his position as well.

″Well, we might have to bring her to work, we have to make sure that she studies for her online classes, that she attends meetings and all that stuff. This is pretty much another fulltime-job.″

″Babe, she's 21. She'll get our help and our support but in the end of the day she's responsible for herself. And she will for sure help in the house in return. Not to forget that it's temporary, for a couple of weeks, until she's back on her feet,″ he said, gazing at her intensely as if he could read her mind. ″So, you wanna tell me what this really is about?″ he asked softly.

Jay Halstead could read her mind. No doubts given. He knew there was something else that's held her back from suggesting Rylie crashing with them herself, that made her hesitate now.

Erin inhaled a deep breath. ″The thought that she...that she could relapse while she's living with us scares the crap out of me,″ she almost whispered. ″The thought that she slips while she is in our...custody...I could never forgive myself if that happens.″

″We won't let her slip, Er,″ he said softly. ″You said you believe in her. And so do I. Because I know that with our help, with _you_ keeping on being there for her like you've been in the last few weeks, there's no reason to not believe in her. You changed Rylie's life, Erin, and I know that with her living here, she can take that last hurdle so she gets the life you want her to have.″

″But regardless us being there for her...-″

″Erin,″ Jay said and took her hand in his. She hadn't overstated when she'd said that this was scaring the crap out of her, so he had to try it differently even though it meant that he had to bring up her past. ″Did you slip when you lived with Hank and Camille and Justin?″

″Uhm...no,″ she answered all confused, trying to figure out where he wanted to go with that.

″Why not?″

She didn't even have to think about her answer. ″Because they gave me a chance. They gave me a home. They gave me a family, so the least I could do was not screwing it up and instead try to make them proud.″

″So, since you know Rylie better than I do...,″ he concluded, ″when we give her a chance. A home. A family. Do you think she would do anything to jeopardize this?″

By these words, a smile tugged in the corners of her mouth and once more her feelings, her love for this incredible man overwhelmed her. ″No.″

″See, we won't let her slip,″ he winked at her and squeezed her hand, his smile growing simultaneously with hers.

″We have to talk to Clara, whether she's okay with Rylie and Luke living under the same roof when the first step would actually be supervised visits.″

″We have to talk to Clara,″ he nodded with a grin. There she was again, the Erin he knew, already thinking one step further.

″Have I ever told you how amazing you are?″ she asked, looking at him with literal heart-eyes like he hung the stars.

″Sometimes I guess. But I'll never get tired of hearing it,″ he chuckled.

″I love you,″ she smirked and leaned in. ″Thank you for being amazing,″ she whispered against his lips that did not yet melt into a kiss.

″I love you more.″ His voice was low and in the next second, he felt her soft lips against his own, melting into a kiss that could last for eternity if it was up to him, her tongue delving into his mouth soon after as her hands cradled his neck and his hands found her waist to lift her into his lap, their make-out intensifying rapidly, just like it had back in their early days of dating.

And so, after they've lived in their house for almost three months now, their new couch finally got the test drive for function and form that night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _Two weeks later_

″Jay! Erin!″ Luke yelled through the house just after 7am on Saturday morning of the first December weekend, his voice all excited and bell-like, Erin's and Jay's sleep finding a sudden end.

″Jeeeez,″ Jay yawned and rubbed his tired eyes. ″What do you think happened now?″

″I have no idea,″ Erin yawned and pulled her blanket almost all over her head. If it wasn't Emilia who thought sleep was for the weak on a Saturday or Sunday morning, when they actually could sleep in as there wasn't a case that required Jay to work the weekend, it was Luke who ended his night early and they might had to accept that sleeping in with two little kids equaled a mission impossible.

″Erin! Jay!″ Luke called again and in the next moment, the door bursted open and Luke jumped into their bedroom with a big smile on his face.

″What's going on, buddy?″ Jay asked when Luke stood right in front of him.

″You sleep _naked_?″ Luke asked, his eyes widening as he saw Jay's bare chest that was not covered by the blanket.

 _Shoot_ , Jay thought, Erin coughing hardly under her blanket, and he pulled his own blanket up a little automatically. ″I don't,″ he answered as casual as possible. ″Just shirtless.″ This was the truth. After ending their day with some scrabble yesterday evening, he'd slipped into some boxers during the night when he'd used the bathroom, but he wasn't exactly sure whether Erin was wearing anything right now. She definitely hadn't worn anything when they'd fallen asleep after their love-making, so chances were high that the blanket was about everything that covered her skin right now.

″Aren't you...cold?″ Luke frowned.

″No, I'm not. Don't worry, Luke,″ Jay assured him and then changed the subject instantly. ″So, what do you want to tell us at 7 in the morning?″

″It's snowing!″ he exclaimed excitedly, forgetting about Jay's bare chest immediately, and Jay remembered that he'd been equally excited about the first snow back when was a child.

″It is?″

″Yes! Come on, I show you,″ Luke smiled and reached for his arm to pull him out of the bed.

″Easy bud,″ Jay laughed. ″You go downstairs already, I'll be there in a minute, okay? You can count the snowflakes until I come and then you can tell me how many you counted.″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly.

″How far can you count?″

″Uhm...thirty.″

″Good, so once you reached thirty, you start with one again and as soon as I'm there I'll teach you how to count to fifty, deal?″

″Deal,″ Luke beamed and ran out of their bedroom as fast as he'd entered it.

″Holy crap, remind me to lock that door when we play scrabble next time,″ Erin laughed, pulling back the blanket as soon as Luke was gone.

″We should probably start to slip back into some clothes afterwards,″ Jay chuckled and leaned down to kiss her good-morning.

″Huh,″ she grunted. ″I guess we have to bite the bullet, yeah.″

″I would like locking the door better as well,″ he grinned and kissed her again.

″Babe,″ she giggled and pushed him away. ″You keep on doing that and Luke will burst in here again in less than five minutes. Seeing something else than your bare chest.″

″Yeah...probably,″ Jay agreed with a boyish smirk, pressed his lips against hers again nonetheless and then got up to slip into some sweats and a shirt.

When Luke had told them that it was snowing, they'd expected a few snowflakes and probably the tiniest bit of white covering their garden but instead it was snowing lots of thick flakes from the sky and the world around them was completely covered in white, making everything look like winterwonderland. Chicago winter made sure to start off with an impression this year.

Of course Luke requested to build a snowman and go outside as soon as Jay was downstairs with him, so after breakfast, Jay, Erin, Emilia, Luke and Crispin found themselves in the backyard to build their very first snowman there. Their very first snowman in their very own backyard. It still seemed unreal. From time to time they formed some snowballs and threw them through the air so Crispin could chase after them, their young dog being slightly confused in the beginning when he couldn't find the snowball and bring it back to Erin and Jay. Meanwhile Emilia was completely fascinated by the unknown white powder and couldn't get enough from touching it, crawling through it or just simply sitting in it and digging her hands into it. The only thing she absolutely didn't like was when she almost fell over and half of her face was suddenly covered with the cold snow and the crying started instantly.

Once their snowman was finished, scarf around his neck and a carrot in his face, it stopped snowing and while Erin tucked a completely beat Emilia in for an early nap, Jay, Luke and Crispin went to the nearby park to build more snowmen there. In the meantime, Erin prepared the guest room for Rylie, who they would pick up from the Center of Hope tomorrow, and by the time her three 'men' returned from their snowy adventures, not only the room was finished but a pot of pumpkin soup was on the stove as well, ready to be served.

Since Luke had been out and about running through the snow all morning, he was as tuckered out that he went for a nap today as well, not even trying to argue when Erin suggested it after lunch as it was obvious how tired and cranky he was.

″So, what are we doing now, bug?″ Erin asked Emilia and scooped her from the highchair into her arms. ″You wanna play with mommy and daddy?″

She let her down on the floor and walked with her to her playmat in the living room and then settled on the floor next to her daughter, leaning against their couch, Crispin lying down next to her and resting his head on her thigh which was his prompt to get tickled behind his ears. Jay joined them a couple of minutes later, after finishing with the dishes, and sat down across from Erin, so Emmy was more or less in the middle.

″Dada,″ Emmy babbled.

″What do you want, princess?″ he asked. ″This here?″ He reached for one of the cups of her Stacking Up Cups toy and handed it to her. At first she eyes it skeptically, as if she wasn't sure whether this was what she wanted, but then she tried to stack it with the other cup that lay in front of her.

″You got it girl,″ Jay cheered when she managed stack them. ″Wanna try some more?″ he asked her and offered her a smaller cup.

Instead of reaching for it, she dedicated her attention to a ball, giving it a little nudge that resulted in her squeeking joyfully when it rolled over the floor toward Erin and Crispin.

″I guess that's a no,″ Erin chuckled as Emmy crawled into her direction to get her ball. ″Huh sweetie, you wanna have that?″ she asked and picked the ball up to show it to her daughter.

″Mama,″ Emmy smiled at her but instead of reaching for the ball, she used Erin's thigh to pull herself up, Erin's hand automatically wrapping around Emmy's arm to help her stand. Despite the fact that their baby girl could balance herself very well by now. As if the little girl wanted to prove a point that she could indeed do this without her mom's help, she walked a couple of steps away, Erin still holding her arm and it was in this moment that Erin realized that their daughter probably didn't need her holding her anymore and that she should let her go to see what happens.

She let go of Emilia's arm and as if it didn't make a difference for her, their daughter kept on walking with unsteady legs, her arms spread out to keep the balance as she made her way to her dad.

″Oh my God,″ Jay exclaimed stunned, his smile ever so bright. ″She's walking, she's really walking.″

″She is,″ Erin smiled equally bright. ″Keep on going Emmy, you can do it!″

″Come on, princess, one foot in front of the other,″ Jay cheered, already reaching his arms out for her so he could pick her up as soon as she was close enough. ″There you go, what a trooper you are!″ Just when she was in front of him, she lost her balance and fell on her knees and hands but Jay picked her up quickly and swirled her through the air.

″I'd say we have a walker now,″ Jay smirked proudly and brought her down to kiss her cheek. He was absolutely glowing right now.

″Yeah, pretty much,″ Erin grinned and joined the two of them, pressed a kiss against Emilia's hair. ″Mommy and daddy are so proud of you.″

″Another milestone down,″ Jay winked at his wife.

″Another milestone down,″ Erin echoed, slightly shaking her head in disbelief. Their daughter was walking, this milestone definitely making her more of a toddler than a baby, and the fact how fast their daughter was growing up, how fast time has passed since this little person was in their life, was both, bittersweet and incredible, and seeing Emmy making her first solo steps was probably one of the proudest moments of her life.

″Can you do that again, Emmy? Because daddy wants to film it so he can show it to all your uncles in the bullpen on Monday,″ Jay chuckled and put her back on the floor again. Of course proud daddy Jay Halstead wanted to film this to ensure that everyone knew about Emmy's newest milestone.

He quickly went to the kitchen to get his phone and by the time he was back, Emilia was already trying to get up again and even when her first two tries failed, she stayed determined to try it again. There was for sure not such a thing as giving up which was rewarded with a successful third try. This time, Crispin was walking right next to her as she made some unsteady steps and once again it seemed like their dog was guarding her somehow.

″Look at her go,″ Jay said, his voice all amazed, and he wrapped his free arm, that was not filming, around Erin to pull her closer.

″You know, sometimes I look at her and I still can't believe she's ours, that we made something so good and so perfect,″ she said quietly.

″Me neither,″ Jay answered and pressed the button to end his video. He would have plenty more occasions to make one anyway. ″I still don't know how we did that,″ he smirked, ″but damn sure we did good.″

″More than good actually,″ she chuckled slightly. There was something else she wanted to tell him, as now seemed to be a good moment, but for whatever reason, it got stuck in her throat and didn't make it past her lips. Maybe because she wasn't quite ready to tell him yet. Maybe because this was something that first really had to settle with her before she could share it with him. But she knew she would tell him. One day, when the time was right, when she really felt ready for this with all her heart. And until then they would continue to celebrate all of Emilia's milestones like they were the greatest occurances in history. In fact, for them they were...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked this chapter! Please leave a Review and let me know what you think! :)**


	80. A Hole In The Heart

**Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. I can't say it often enough: you are the best and your reviews always make my days so much better, so keep them coming and enjoy chapter 80 ;)**

 **Also, I uploaded this chapter yesterday already but for whatever reason posting it was a mess, so I hope it works now!**

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 **80\. A Hole In The Heart**

″Where's Erin?″ This was the first thing Rylie asked when she saw Jay standing in the hallway of the Center of Hope on Sunday morning, a backpack on her back and an overstuffed duffle bag, that looked too heavy for her, in her hand. It wasn't exactly the kind of greeting and tone Jay'd expected if he was being honest with himself. With all that Erin had told him about how Rylie's changed for the better in the last few weeks, he'd expected to meet a new person that was full of life but right now her attitude reminded him of the time nine weeks back, when they'd first met her. In fact, back then, after battling against withdrawal symptoms the whole night, she'd seemed shy and weak while now she seemed feisty and up to any challenge, just like Erin'd gotten to know her first in the interrogation room.

″Emilia threw up this morning, so she stayed home with her and sent me to pick you up,″ Jay explained and opposite to Rylie his voice was all calm. Their morning had been insane, almost worse than just their usual chaos on weekdays, with Emilia throwing up right after breakfast. They'd cleaned up and changed her together and Erin had then asked him whether he could go and pick up Rylie because she wanted stay with their sick daughter and of course she hadn't had to ask him twice.

″Okay,″ she shrugged as if she didn't really care. Jay sensed that her current attitude had to do with a whole lot of insecurity she was dealing with and tried to hide by acting the way she did. But this insecurity nonetheless encased her like an invisible cloak, no matter her efforts to not show it.

″You ready to go? Or is there anything you still have to do?″ he asked, ignoring how she kind of was giving him the cold shoulder.

″Uhm...no. I did all the paperwork so we can go I guess.″

″Alright,″ Jay nodded and gave her a little smile, not expecting to get one in return. ″Should I carry this for you? Looks heavy,″ he noticed and eyed her duffle bag.

″I'm good,″ Rylie assured him. ″Let's just get out of here.″

They walked to the car in silence and Jay didn't miss the look on her face when they approached the Audi and he almost expected her to make a comment about them having this quite fancy and expensive car but her lips stayed closed and she loaded her stuff in the trunk without saying anything. The ride back to Beverly was just as awkward and the only thing that broke through the silence was the music playing on the radio. There was no doubt on his mind that this girl still had her walls up high. At least in front of him which he couldn't blame her for since he hadn't seen her since the day in the bullpen all those weeks back. So with Erin it was probably a different story and she wasn't usually as withdrawn around her.

″Hey, this is Luke's favorite song,″ he said when Despacito started to resound from the radio and he was thankful that there was finally something he could tell her. He looked at Rylie and her facial expression told him that it would've been better to keep his mouth shut in first place. ″Sorry, you of course knew that.″

″I didn't actually.″ She shrugged it off like it was nothing but Jay could see her fighting with her emotions because it was anything but nothing for her. Her son meant the world to her. ″We never listened to music a lot. Just occasionally.″

″He really likes that one. The other day Luke and Emmy danced together when it was on the radio, it was adorable.″ Once again he tried to cheer her up somehow and once again he'd said the wrong thing. Instead of lighting up the mood, the atmosphere got more tense and he literally made it worse by the second and apparently couldn't say the right things. That's when he decided he should probably better shut up and let the radio do all the entertainment.

″Bet it was,″ Rylie answered, once again as if she couldn't care less and turned her head to the side so she could stare out of the window, signalising him that she wasn't in the mood to talk with him at all and didn't want to hear any of his stories either.

Parks, trees and houses covered in snow passed by as they drove to the suburban area of Chicago and once they were in Beverly, Jay almost expected some kind of remark again, about them living in one of the best areas of Chicago, but just like when she'd seen their car, her lips stayed sealed though he was sure he could literally hear her thoughts in the silence of the car. Parking the Audi in their driveway in front of their house a couple of minutes later, some words finally left Rylie's lips without Jay trying to get her into some kind of conversation and it was exactly what he's expected, what he's somehow been waiting for.

″Should've known you guys live in a manison,″ she said, a sarcastic undertone in her voice.

″Manison?″ Jay echoed. ″It's just a house, Rylie.″

″Yeah, for you of course,″ she almost snapped and wanted to open the door but Jay was faster with putting the central locking in. If Rylie thought she could act like this, he could too, because two could play this game. It wasn't what he'd wanted to do, starting off like this, but the young girl didn't leave him a chance right now.

″Hey! Let me out!″ she called furiously, shooting him death glares, and kept on trying to yank the door open that Jay was afraid she would break something.

″No, you listen to me first!″ Jay called back, his voice louder than usual as well and this little bit of authority plus his not-so-amused face were already enough that Rylie didn't try to yell something back instantly and instead even stopped with her attempts to open the locked door. ″Erin and I pulled a lot of strings for you in the last couple of weeks, you being allowed to live with us and your son instead of living in a group home with a bunch of other troubled kids probably being the biggest of all of them. Not to forget that Erin got you that job interview at Chicago Med. So I don't actually know where this attitude comes from and I don't exactly care. If that's how you want to talk with me, be my guest. But what I care about is Erin and she doesn't deserve to be treated like this from a girl she moved actual mountains for. So this attitude, it has to come off the moment you pass the threshold of this house. You understand?″

Rylie's attitude indeed didn't hurt or bother him and he was sure he could handle it. But it was a different story for Erin. She would be devastated and heartbroken if Rylie acted like this in front of her, so he had to make sure that this wouldn't happen, even if it meant he had to be a little harsh.

The blonde girl didn't dare to look at him and then murmured ever so quiet that her lips almost didn't move: ″Yes, Sir.″

″Good,″ Jay breathed out and unlocked the car so they could go inside the house. But instead of jumping out of it instantly, like he'd expected her to do, Rylie stayed in the passenger's seat like she was suddenly glued to it.

″I'm sorry,″ she whispered, this apology being about the last thing Jay'd thought to hear. ″I'm sorry...I didn't...I didn't want to...it's just...,″ she rambled as she fought with the tears that suddenly loomed in her eyes. ″What if...what if Luke doesn't want me anymore?″ she asked him quietly and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time, some silent tears running down her cheeks. Now he saw the broken girl that had nothing left anymore, not the feisty one that was up to any challenge. ″I mean, he now lives in that fancy house with his own room and all the toys he ever wanted. You drive around in this fancy car while with me he always had to use public transport. You and Erin are like mom and dad for him and Emilia is his little sister...so how...how will I ever be able to compete with that?″

″Rylie,″ Jay said softly and of course he understood the problem now, understood why talking about Luke in the car had made everything worse. The young girl was scared that the only person she had left that she still truly loved didn't need her anymore, that her son would show her the cold shoulder because the life he lived now was so much better than the life he'd used to live with her. ″You don't have to compete with us because you are his _mother_. His _only_ mother. His _only_ parent. This is not a competition and even if it was one, you would win anytime because neither me or Erin can replace _you_. Ever,″ he tried to convince her. ″You know how many times your little guy asked us about you in one day? How many times he talked about you and the things he wants to do once you're back?″

″He did?″ Rylie sobbed and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″Of course,″ Jay confirmed. ″There's someone in that house who's so eager to see you and who will get the biggest surprise possible in a couple of minutes while you sit here and think this exact someone doesn't want you and need you anymore when he in fact missed you more than anyone of us can possibly imagine.″

″So you think...you think he'll be...excited?″

″You kidding?″ Jay asked and gave her a faint smile. ″He will be absolutely over the moon. There is no reason for you to be scared, trust me, Rylie.″

″Okay,″ breathed out and nodded.

″You need another minute?″ he asked as her tears weren't dried yet and her hands were still a bit shaky.

″No,″ she answered and shook her head, a smile appearing on her face. ″I wanna see my boy.″

″Then let's go inside,″ Jay smiled back.

This time, Rylie let him carry all her stuff and when he put his key in the lock to open the door of their house, the blonde girl almost started to hyperventilate next to him. ″I'm so nervous, I could throw up right now,″ she chuckled slightly.

″Uhm, we already had a throwing-up accident this morning and one is enough for today,″ Jay winked. ″You ready?″

″Yeah...yeah, I guess,″ she nodded, inhaling another deep breath.

Jay opened the door and stepped inside their hallway with all those pictures of their friends and family on the wall, Rylie following behind him. ″Er, we're here,″ he called.

″Coming,″ Erin called back from somewhere in the living room and the next thing he heard her say, as her voice came closer, was: ″Come on Luke, you wanna take a look who's here? What do you think, who is it?″

″I don't know,″ the boy answered just before they walked through the door.

What followed was one of the most beautiful, emotional and heartwarming scenes the two of them have ever witnessed.

″Mommyyyyy!″ Luke screamed excitedly as soon as he saw her, his little feet doubling up their speed as he ran toward his mom, who knelt down on the floor, ready to embrace her son after being seperated from him for too long, and never let him go again.

The 5-year-old old fell right into his mother's arms and she wrapped them around him as tight as possible, her head falling into the crook of his neck as she couldn't hold back the sobs from escaping her lips.

″I missed you so much, mommy,″ Luke whispered.

″I missed you so much more, Lukey,″ Rylie said, running her hand through his hair just before she lifted her head to place a couple of kisses on his cheek. ″So so so much more.″

Jay motioned his head toward the living room, signalising Erin that they should give them some privacy and that they'd already watched this reunion between mother and son for too long. Erin nodded her head slightly and without saying anything they left Rylie and Luke alone so they could enjoy this moment as just the two of them, giving them all the time in the world to celebrate their reunion.

″You have something in your eye?″ Jay smirked as they both sat down on their couch, Erin's hazel-green eyes sparkling suspiciously.

″And you?″ she teased him, his blue orbs having this special sparkle as well.

″Just a snowflake,″ he winked with this adorable smile on his face.

″Uh-huh, sure, a snowflake,″ Erin chuckled and slightly shook her head. Of course she'd almost teared up witnessing Luke being reunited with his mother. Of course Jay'd almost teared up as well because he simply was a bit of a softie.

″How's Emmy? Is she doing better?″ Jay changed the topic.

″She's still sleeping but she hasn't thrown up again, so I hope this means she's better,″ Erin sighed. ″Thanks for picking up Rylie, by the way,″ she smiled at him. ″I hope she was...nice?″ She knew Rylie, and she knew how she could be sometimes, so she hoped that her husband and the girl that would live with them for the next few weeks haven't started off in the worst possible way, by Rylie showing him some of her not-so-nice attitude. The last thing they needed was a tense atmosphere in their house on a daily basis because Jay and Rylie didn't get along.

″Yeah, she was,″ Jay confirmed, holding back from telling Erin about the conversation he'd had with her in the car. Maybe he would tell her one day when this was old news and they laugh about it. But not today. And anyway, they'd worked the situation out rather quick and he was sure Rylie wouldn't show this attitude again. ″She's a great girl.″

″She is,″ Erin agreed. ″We will make this work, with her, here, right?″

Jay sensed that some of her insecurities about this being the right thing were coming up again, so he placed his hand on her thigh and squeezed it gently. ″Damn sure we will,″ he said, hints of determination in his voice.

″It'll be a challenge,″ she noticed.

″When has something ever not been?″ he chuckled.

″Yeah right,″ she laughed. ″I love you.″ Of course she made sure to emphasize this statement with a sweet and lingering kiss.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Winter mornings were the most stressful in the Halstead-household, the Monday right after Rylie'd moved in with them proving no difference. It always took Erin and Jay a village to make Luke and Emmy ready for the day and dress them in all their winter clothes – scarf, gloves, beanie, jacket and boots - and even though they were already getting up earlier in the mornings, they barely ever left the house in time.

″Luke, where's your backpack?″ Erin asked when she wanted to put his lunch box into his backpack and found its usual spot abandoned. Of course on mornings that were already stressful enough, things were not at their supposed place and she had to look for them.

″Uhm...upstairs...maybe,″ he called back from the hallway where Jay was dressing Emilia, who was thankfully doing well again, and Luke tried to tie his shoes himself, just how they'd taught him.

Erin sprinted up the stairs to his room like some wild animal was haunting her and fortunately, the backpack was actually there. Coming back down, Emilia was completely dressed, once again of course pulling herself up so she could stand or walk, and Jay was now occupied to get Luke ready.

″We good to go?″ he asked as Erin put the backpack down on the floor next to where their dog was comfortably resting and watching this chaos, and reached for her own jacket and boots.

″Almost,″ she sighed and started to tie her winter boots.

″I already bring these three in the car,″ he said and scooped Emmy from the floor up into his arms. ″Luke, don't forget your backpack. Crispin, let's go.″ Jay was always so calm and organized, Erin seriously admired him for that. No matter the chaos that surrounded them, he seemed to be relaxed, even seemed to have fun.

″I'll be there in a minute,″ Erin said and threw him a thankful smile.

″No rush, we're still in time,″ he winked and disappeared toward their garage with their baby on his hip and a 5-year-old and a dog in tow. They would drive with two cars anyway, simply because Jay usually left the precinct later than she did and the 300 was still the car they used at work, so it had to be at the 21st as long as they were working. But they preferred to drop Luke and Emmy off at preschool and daycare together nonetheless. At least on the mornings when they actually left the house together and Jay wasn't called to a crime scene in the early morning hours.

″Where are you guys going?″ Rylie's familiar voice suddenly appeared in the hallway as soon as Erin was alone. She looked up and saw her standing in the doorway, looking like she'd waken up only a couple minutes ago, wearing sweats and a hoodie, her braid quite messy.

″Uhm,″ Erin frowned by her question. ″Emmy goes to daycare, Luke to preschool and Jay and I to work. Why?″

″When do you get back?″

″I usually leave the precinct around 5.30pm mondays. For Jay, it depends on the case,″ she answered and finished tying her other shoe.

″5.30pm?″ Rylie echoed. ″What about Luke?″ Erin almost felt like being in interrogation with all the questions Rylie was throwing at her and she figured that it would've been wise to talk their day through during dinner last night.

″Emilia's nanny will pick him up from preschool in the afternoon and I will pick the both of them up in the evening.″ She reached for her beanie to put it on her head.

″Huh,″ she only nodded in response, the fact that there was another person involved in Luke's life probably not sitting too well with her. ″What about my job interview at Med later?″

″What about it?″ Erin asked back and slipped into her thick winter jacket. _Now_ she was good to go as well. Almost.

″How do I get there?″ It was obvious that the young girl hadn't expected to be on her own on her first day after rehab. But she'd talked this through with Jay and they'd agreed that it was the best for Rylie to kind of being plunged in at the deep end. No sugarcoating her new reality.

″I'm sure you know how to use your smartphone to ask Google Maps for directions, Rylie. So whatever it tells you, you take the bus, the El, whatever,″ Erin explained, not exactly as friendly as it should've been. But being no morning person at all combined with this kind of stressful morning where she barely had time to drink her beloved first cup of coffee was seriously the worst combination possible and it was always a miracle when she didn't bite anyone's head off until the caffeine in her system finally made her mood more bearable.

″Do you know how much depends on that job interview?!″ she asked incredulously, snappishly, and pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie.

″I do know that Rylie,″ Erin told her, her voice a little softer now as she gazed at the young girl. ″That's why I'm sure you'll find out how to get there in time without Jay or me playing shuttle,″ she said, giving her a meaningful glance that should tell her not to screw this up. ″Listen, you may live with us now but you are responsible for yourself. Jay and I are here to support you whenever you need us but it's up to you to get up in the mornings. It's up to you to get to work in time. It's up to you to study for your classes. It's up to you to get your feet on the ground without Jay and I babysitting you.″

″Babysitting me?″ she echoed but Erin didn't react to it, only walked past her to get her coffee-to-go from the kitchen so she could at least get her first dose of caffeine on the way to the precinct as they didn't have time to stop by their favorite coffee shop on mornings like today. ″I don't need babysitting.″

″Glad we agree on that,″ she winked when she walked past her again to get to the car. ″Have a nice day, Rylie.″

″Erin, it's like an hour to get to Chicago Med with public transport,″ she complained as she looked at her phone in disbelief. ″Two busses and the El. Plus walking.″

″Great, get used to it. Because I can't remember I have cab or Uber tattooed on my forehead.″ She threw Rylie a sweet smile before she turned around and left the speechless 21-year-old alone in their house.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Is it okay that I'm scared she burns the house down or something?″ Jay chuckled when they walked up the stairs to the bullpen, Erin still sipping on her coffe that was lukewarm by now. At least it was better than no coffee at all. After mornings like the one they'd just masterfully managed to survive, coming to the precinct almost felt like going on vacation, no matter which case they would be faced with in the next hours.

″Who? Rylie?″ Erin laughed and keyed her code in. ″She took cooking classes during rehab, so I hope this is one of the last things we have to be concerned about.″

″Good. I was a little worried she sets our kitchen on fire while trying to fry some eggs or so,″ he laughed as he'd meant this question more figuratively than that he was really scared about Rylie not being able to fry some eggs.

″I think she will be fine,″ Erin answered, knowing exactly what he'd actually meant. That she didn't think they had anything to worry regarding Rylie being alone in their house.

″When's her job interview at Med?″

″2pm. She was up earlier, when you already brought the kids to the car. You should've seen her face when I told her that she has to go there by herself.″

″I bet it was priceless,″ Jay chuckled.

″You bet it was,″ Erin laughed, their conversation finding a sudden end as soon as they reached the top of the stairs and everyone else was already busy with putting on their jackets, Hank telling Erin and Jay that he'd just gotten the call about a new crime scene and that they would roll out any second, so they literally turned around on their heels to go back to the 300. This Monday morning surely didn't give them one dull moment.

Thanks to their new case, Erin didn't have too much time to think about Rylie and what she was probably doing right now but whenever they were in the 300 on the way to ask people, that had known their victim, some questions or had a minute to breathe in the bullpen, she found herself tempted to give Rylie a quick call and ask her whether she was already on the way to Chicago Med. So much for not wanting to babysit the young girl. It was easier said than done.

It was in the afternoon, when Erin and Jay returned from paying their victim's sketchy employer a visit, that Antonio welcomed them back with the words: ″There's someone who wants to see you.″ He motioned his head to the breakroom and their eyes found Rylie sitting on the chair. Erin's heartbeat immediately doubled its pace as she struggled to figure out whether this was a good sign or a bad one.

″Did she seem...devastated?″ Erin asked her colleague. When she went in there, she at least wanted to be prepared for the kind of news that were waiting for her. She couldn't tell in words how much she hoped that Rylie was here because she had good news to share. Because everything else would be a gigantic setback and she wasn't sure whether Rylie was already stable enough for that.

″Uhm...no...I don't know,″ Antonio shrugged.

″Extremely happy?″

″Uhm...no I guess,″ he answered, looking at Erin with a piercing glance as if he tried to figure out why on Earth she was asking him those questions.

″Great,″ Erin muttered under her breath, only loud enough for Jay to hear it.

″You need backup in there?″ he murmured.

″No, it's okay, but thank you,″ she smiled at him, her nervousness visible for him. With these words she made her way to the breakroom, closing the door behind herself as soon as she was inside.

″How did it go?″ she asked even before she sat down next to Rylie. The reaction that followed was enough of on answer as a bright smile appeared on the girl's face and she jumped up from the chair to hug a pretty perplex Erin.

″I got the job!″

″You got the job?″ Erin echoed in disbelief, making sure that she'd actually heard right.

″I got the job!″ Rylie repeated her words as she lifted her head and ended the embrace, her smile more genuine than ever.

″I'm so proud of you, Ry,″ Erin said and now she was the one who pulled Rylie into a hug. ″I wanna know everything. Every detail, come on,″ she added and pulled Rylie to the chairs so they could sit down, Erin being eager to hear the whole story, how Rylie had pulled it off to convince Goodwin that she should give her a chance.

″Sooo...I will mainly be in the Emergency Department but at some point I will also work in Oncology or the ICU or the Pedicatric ward or Labor and Delivery and all that, always for two weeks, so I get to know everything and can figure out what I like best. Ms Goodwin said I will mostly empty bedpans and change sheets and make runs to the lab and do all the stuff the nurses don't have time for. The first four weeks will be a test run and if I'm doing good, she extends the internship for another _five_ months!″ she told her all excited, and it seemed like for the very first time, she couldn't stop talking. ″She said they will do unannounced drug tests and I will be supervised more closely than other interns but I guess that's only fair. For starters I will work Monday to Friday from 8am until 5pm, so I have enough time to study for my highschool diploma. Ms Goodwin wants to see all my grades to make sure that I'm actually attending all the online classes and Erin, she even said that once I graduated, we can talk about my future!″ she beamed, the disbelief in her voice showing that she couldn't believe in which direction her life was going, that suddenly everything seemed to work out and she had a real future ahead. ″And I haven't told you about the best thing yet. I'm getting paid! Not a full salary, but after these first four weeks I'll get paid! Isn't that awesome?″

For a moment, Erin was absolutely speechless. This was so much more than she'd ever expected and she didn't know how she could ever thank all the people who'd helped to make this come true. Maggie, Will, Sharon Goodwin. She all owed them big time. ″This is incredible, Rylie. I'm so happy for you,″ she smiled almost as bright as Rylie.

″I can never thank you enough for this, Erin and I don't know what to say other than: thank you,″ she said, the deepest gratitude in her voice. ″For everything. For pulling some strings so I get this opportunity. For talking with Clara so I can live with you. And for the kick in my butt this morning,″ she chuckled slightly, answering Erin's unspoken question before she could speak it out loud. ″What you said, about me being responsible for myself, it really kicked my butt. And I realized that next to being responsible for myself, I'm responsible for my son. Maybe not on paper right now, but if I ever want to be responsible for him again, I first have to be responsible for myself,″ she explained.

″I'm glad it had that effect on you,″ Erin grinned. She honestly hadn't thought that these words would have such an impact on her, would be this kind of wake-up call.

″Uh-huh,″ Rylie nodded, gnawing on her lip before she eventually exhaled a deep breath. ″Erin, there's one more thing I've been meaning to tell you...,″ she rambled, avoiding eye-contact with her.

″You...You are the first person who promised something and didn't let me down and kept this promise. You are the first person that makes me feel like I'm worth something, the first person that sees more in me than just a girl with too many problems to count and a life that's too miserable for words,″ she said quietly and only now she met her gaze again. ″And you know, I miss Ty, I miss him so much that it burns a hole in my heart. But if it wasn't for him getting killed, I would never have met you and I'm so glad I met you.″ At this point she was crying and Erin pulled her into another embrace. ″Does this make me sound like a horrible person?″ she sobbed.

″No. No, not at all,″ Erin murmured into her hair. ″You know, Jay once told me something and I more and more believe that it's true. Everything in life happens for a reason. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.″

Rylie lifted her head by those words, looked at her with tear-stained eyes, and wiped away her tears with her hand.

″This hole in your heart will always stay, Rylie. There will always be a missing piece and there's nothing you can do to refill this hole. Everyone has it. Some people have two or three holes or even more. But it's the people you still have in your life, the people that love you and that you love, that will make you feel complete anyway.″

More tears fell from Rylie's eyes by Erin's beautifully chosen words. Words only someone who's lost a loved one and knew how it felt to miss someone unbearably could choose. ″How do you do this? Always knowing what others need to hear?″

″I don't know,″ Erin smiled, her cheeks blushing a little. ″Jay's the kind of guy who always knows exactly what I need to hear. So I might have learned a thing or two from him.″

″You are one incredible person, a true role-model for me in so many ways,″ Rylie smiled weakly. ″And I don't know how I can ever thank you enough for everything you've been doing for me.″

″There's one way you can thank me,″ Erin said meaningfully and she could sense Rylie's nervousness crawling up instantly. ″One day, when I walk into Chicago Med, I want to be able to say: _I want to talk with nurse Rylie Jackson_.″

″You will,″ Rylie whispered but even without Rylie saying this and only from seeing this special glance in her eyes - one she knew too well and had seen many times when she'd looked in the mirror back in the bathroom of the Voight-house, being determined to become a cop and follow in Hank's footsteps - Erin knew in this moment that one day she would...

* * *

 **I know this was a bit of a filler chapter but I hope you liked it anyway! As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think :) next chapter we're heading towards the first Halstead-family-Christmas ;)**


	81. The Time Before Christmas

**Thank you so much for all your feedback. Here comes chapter 81, a lot longer than the last one, so enjoy! :)**

* * *

 **81\. The Time Before Christmas**

The short, windy, cold, sometimes rainy, sometimes snowy and rarely sunny December days passed by quickly, the criminals in the city not giving Erin and Jay a moment to breathe in the time before Christmas that should be all about Christmas trees, Christmas shopping and Christmas cookies. Until mid December they neither had a tree, nor any homemade cookies, let alone a single present for their daughter, their foster-son and their nephews and they seriously considered robbing the closest ToysRUs in a cloak-and-dagger operation as it seemed to be the only possibility to get some presents. The timeframe to still get all of these things done - presents, cookies and a tree - got shorter with every day passing, with every day the bullpen ruled their lives and made sure that they could barely spend time together. The only good outcome of all the overtime mainly Jay but sometimes even Erin was working was that they could take a couple of days off after Christmas to celebrate New Years at the cabin in Wisconsin, just like last year enjoying some quiet days in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but snow and the wilderness of Northern Wisconsin.

It was the weekend a little over a week before Christmas when the unit finally closed their ongoing case on Friday afternoon instead of having to solve it over the weekend and no phone call in the early Saturday morning hours had Jay to leave for a new crime scene. For the first time, they all – Jay, Erin, Rylie, Luke and Emilia – could have a long breakfast together, Jay's homemade waffles being the highlight of the day. It was most probably the chattiest breakfast they've had in their house so far, Luke talking about preschool and the things he and his friends made there for Christmas, Rylie talking about her internship at Chicago Med and Emmy, as always, answering in her own language and making a mess with the fruits and little pieces of waffle on her tray.

″So Emmy, you know what daddy and uncle Adam, uncle Antonio and uncle Kevin are going to do today?″ Jay asked his daughter after breakfast, cleaning her sticky fingers and her face with a cloth as she had mashed banana pieces everywhere.

″Dada,″ Emmy babbled and reached her arms out for him.

″Okay, come on, princess,″ he smiled and scooped her into his arms. ″We are going to buy Christmas trees. All the way up in Wisconsin.″

″Yeah, because apparently there are no Christmas trees in Chicago,″ Erin teased while she cleaned the table with the cloth. They'd had this conversation a couple of days ago, when Jay'd told her about the idea that he and the guys would drive a little up north to Wisconsin where they could pick their trees in the forest and log them themselves, making this some kind of bro-trip because they all have always wanted to do this. Erin'd basically told him that she thought they were nuts walking through inches of snow for hours only to find the perfect trees when they could easily buy one. Which, in addition, would give them one more day they could spend as a family because the time before Christmas should be used for all the things they could do as a family for the first time this year. But Jay'd insisted on driving to Wisconsin with Kevin, Adam and Antonio and since the moment this was a done deal, the boys haven't talked about anything else in the bullpen. These last few days had been all about the right gear, the right chainsaw, the right ax, the right boots and the perfect way to log those trees and transport them home without destroying them. So while Jay would freeze his butt off while looking for the perfect Christmas tree, Kim, who agreed with Erin that the guys were completely nuts, would come over to spend the day at the Halstead-house and bake Christmas cookies with Erin, Rylie, Luke and Emilia.

″Exactly,″ Jay smirked innocently. ″Emmy's first Christmas tree has to be something special, right bug?″ he asked and kissed his daughter's cheek.

″Oh yeah, she will definitely recognize the difference,″ Erin chuckled and slightly shook her head. Jay Halstead, regarding certain things he was still a kid at heart. ″One day she will tell you: _Oh daddy, remember my first Christmas tree? Yeah, me neither_.″

Instead of saying _shut up_ in front of their daughter or kissing her to shut up, he just gave her a certain look, joke and tease in his eyes as he rolled them dramatically. ″Don't listen to your mommy, she's just jealous that this is a boys-only trip,″ Jay laughed.

″Jealous about you guys freezing your butts off in the middle of nowhere while arguing whether the tree is unbowed or curved, whether it is too thin or too bushy? No thank you babe, not jealous at all,″ she laughed and gave him the sweetest of smiles before going back to the kitchen to help Rylie with cleaning up before their kitchen would soon turn into the biggest possible mess and chaos.

″You guys are cute,″ Rylie noticed casually as Erin helped her to put all their used dishes into the dishwasher.

″How's that?″ Erin laughed slightly.

″I don't know, just cute. What you guys have is somehow admirable,″ she shrugged.

 _Admirable_. This was the second time that someone told her, her relationship was admirable and maybe she had to agree that it really was something beyond special. ″He drives me nuts sometimes,″ Erin chuckled.

″But in a positive way, right?″ Rylie smirked. Erin had to give her credit for figuring the dynamic of their relationship out in just two weeks.

″Yeah, most days.″

″Hey, I heard that!″ Jay called from the living room in mocked-offense. ″What she wanted to say was _all_ _days_.″

″See what I mean,″ Erin laughed. She loved her man for being exactly this kind of silly even though she sometimes had the feeling she was married to the biggest, most lovable dork. But at the same time, this was why he had the unique ability to cheer her up and make her smile like no one else could.

By the time Rylie and Erin were done with the kitchen, Adam's pickup truck pulled up in front of their house, Erin watching the three men dressed in parkas jumping out of the car through the kitchen window.

″Babe, your fellow woodsmen are here,″ she called laughingly toward the living room, where Jay sat on the floor and played with Luke and Emmy, Crispin lying right next to him to enjoy how he petted him. Of course Jay Halstead, her organized freak, had all his gear and everything he needed already in his car, since they would drive with two cars to bring all the trees home they _imagined_ they would log today, so he's had the spare time to help Emmy and Luke to turn their living room in some children's paradise once more. For the millionth time Erin seriously wondered why Luke and Emmy had their own rooms when they barely ever used it and instead rather spread their toys all over the living and dining room so she had something to clean up every evening.

″Coming,″ he called back and then whispered to his daughter. ″Come on Em, now you can show your uncles your badass walking skills.″ He picked her up and helped her to stand, taking the first couple of steps with holding her hand and then let her walk on her own, always staying behind her so he could catch her in case she lost her balance. Though it happened so often these days that Emmy fell on her butt or knees or made a bellyflop that she probably was already used to it.

″Look at you Emilia, way to keep your parents on the go,″ Kevin smiled when Emmy slowly waddled into the hallway, the door wide open as Erin had already let their colleagues in.

″Luckily she's not that fast yet,″ Erin chuckled.

″Running after her will come soon enough,″ Antonio winked. ″That's when the fun really starts.″

″Hey Emmy, come to uncle Kevin,″ Atwater said on bent down on his knees to reach out for her. ″There you go!″ he laughed when she was close enough that he could pick her up.

″You're a little troublemaker, aren't you?″ Adam asked as he and Antonio gathered around Kevin and the baby. Even with being almost 11 months old, their team members still went all mellow when Emilia was around. Their little lady surely had them all wrapped around her finger and knew exactly how to get all the attention.

″So Adam, didn't you forget something?″ Erin asked, taking a look through the open door and to his car again to look for Kim. But the brunette was nowhere to be seen.

″Uhm...no...,″ Adam answered and Erin could see how he mentally went through all the gear in his truck, trying to figure out what could be missing. ″What should I've forgotten?″

″I don't know, your girlfriend for example,″ Erin laughed.

″Oh...She's coming with her own car, wanted to bring half of her kitchen and there was no space in my truck,″ he explained.

″Half of her kitchen?″ Erin echoed, raising her eyebrows. She'd told her friend that she had everything they needed for their cookies project but Kim had nonetheless insisted on bringing _a_ _couple_ of things. A couple of things that probably turned into a whole load of things as she now figured.

″Yeah...you know...stuff...whatever,″ he laughed, obviously not having a clue, and dedicated his attention back to Emilia. ″Auntie Kim is very serious about Christmas cookies. Yes she is,″ he baby-talked and tickled her belly.

″Okay gents, before this little lady wraps you around her finger even more, let's leave,″ Jay chuckled and took Emilia from Kevin's arms into his own.

″Yeah, let's log some trees,″ Adam cheered.

″Don't get lost guys,″ Erin said with a smile and then closed the gap between her and Jay to take Emmy and say goodbye to her man.

″Have fun,″ she murmured and kissed his lips quickly. ″And take care, okay?″

″Of course,″ Jay assured her and leaned in to kiss her again, only longer this time. ″Don't burn the kitchen down, please,″ he teased her.

″No promises,″ she joked and kissed him one last time.

″You guys, seriously? Come on,″ Antonio laughed, the three men having those dorky, boyish smiles on their faces like they were teenagers who'd watched something they weren't supposed to see. ″We will bring him back in one piece, no worries.″

″That would be awesome,″ Erin laughed and just to tease her colleagues even more, she made sure to give Jay another lingering kiss right in front of their eyes.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Kim arrived half an hour after the boys had left for their adventure, carrying a box full of kitchen utensils when she made her way through the front yard and up to the porch.

″What is that?″ Erin welcomed her with Emmy on her hip and Crispin by her feet when she opened the door and let her in.

″This,″ Kim said and placed the box on the floor in the hallway. ″Is what we need to bake all the perfect cookies,″ she beamed.

″Kim, I told you I have everything we need,″ Erin laughed and shook her head by her friend's enthusiasm.

″We will need this, believe me Erin,″ Kim smiled brightly. ″Come on, there's more in the car.″

″More?″ Erin echoed, eyeing the overpacked box. ″About how much _more_ are we talking?″

″Lots more,″ Kim said lightly. ″More kitchen stuff and all kinds of incredients. I might need a hand or two,″ she smirked innocently.

″Alright,″ Erin sighed and put her daughter down on the floor in the kitchen. ″Crispin, keep an eye on her for a minute,″ she told the dog and gave him a quick pat. ″Rylie!″ she then called to the living room where their roomie was playing with her son, ″can you give Kim and me a hand, please?″

″Coming!″ she called back and as soon as the three women were gathered in the hallway, they went to Kim's car to pick up the remaining boxes. Opening the trunk, they discovered that the box with the incredients had fallen over during the drive but thankfully sugar and flour packages and everything else that could've spilled were still intact and they only had to put all the stuff back into the box instead of cleaning up what could've been quite the mess.

Each of them carried one loaded box into the house and Erin seriously wondered what kind of bigger plans her friend had that she wasn't in the loop about. They could bake enough cookies to feed an army with all that stuff and she didn't exactly have the desire to spend the whole day in the kitchen. She'd thought they would bake until the afternoon and would then make themselves comfortable on the couch, with take-out and some juice-fruit cocktails while using this rare time to catch up on everything they haven't had the time to catch up on in the last few weeks.

Coming back into the kitchen, Erin immediately got a sweet reminder why she usually always put her daughter in the playpen when she had to leave the room for a minute but she couldn't help but laugh by the scenery in front of her eyes. However Emilia'd done that, she'd managed to open one of the cupboards, the one with all the plastic bowls and Tupperware containers, and was currently emptying it, all the colorful bowls and containers spread around her on the floor. Emilia herself was currently kneeling on the floor, halfway disappearing in the cupboard to look for more containers, and on top of that, Crispin's head was in the cupboard just as deep and all Erin could see was his wagging tail that indicated that he was having fun as well. It was actually a picture to die for.

″Oh Emmy,″ Kim exclaimed when her eyes found the mess in the kitchen, a laughter escaping her lips.

″This is the exact reason why we don't have any breakable stuff in the lower cupboards,″ Erin laughed and pulled the phone out of the back pocket of her jeans to make a snapshot of this moment.

″And now?″ Rylie grinned.

″Now we're going to clean that up,″ she chuckled and added with a grin: ″Welcome to my life.″

Before she picked her daughter up from the floor and tried to explain to her that the kitchen wasn't a part of her play area and that she had more than enough toys in the living room, she texted Jay the photo of Emilia and Crispin halfway disappearing in their kitchen cupboard, all the bowls on the floor surrounding them, and captioned it with the words: _Your kid. And your dog. I love you anyway._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Christmas songs were playing in the background in one never-ending loop as the Halstead-kitchen turned into an actual Christmas bakery that Saturday, the sweet smells of cinnamon, chocolate, cloves, ginger, oven-fresh cookies and too much sugar in general filling the air. To say Kim was completely in her element was an understatement. She knew exactly what she was doing and so Rylie and Erin decided to let her delegate, follow Kim's instructions and do whatever she wanted them to do so everything could go as smooth as possible.

The chaos was gigantic anyway, simply because Luke and Emilia were involved as well, especially Luke having a lot of fun with doing the cut-out cookies while Emmy naturally didn't really understand what was happening but seemed to have fun nonetheless because this was something new for her and new things were always interesting. At some point Erin was sure they'd used every bowl the kitchen provided, the pile of dirty dishes next to her sink basically confirming that suspicion, and with flour and sugar on the floor, she wondered how long it would take them to clean up later.

″Okay guys, I don't know about you, but I think I've had enough of baking for one day,″ Erin said in the early evening when Kim put the last sheet with cookies in the oven, her and Rylie already discussing which cookies they could make next. They'd baked five different cookies in the last few hours and still had to cover some with chocolate or icing or glue some together with jam or nougat and Erin honestly couldn't stand the sweet smell anymore. ″Let's just finish those we already have, order some take-out that doesn't smell sweet and sit down on the couch,″ she added because the two girls looked at her like she'd just told them some very bad news. ″Besides, cleaning this kitchen will take forever.″

″She has a point,″ Kim said to Rylie after contemplating her words for a second.

″But we wanted to make the gingerbread house,″ Rylie answered. She'd earlier shown Kim a picture from Pinterest and had asked her whether she knew how to make such a gingerbread house. And of course Kim knew. She'd even shown her pictures from the gingerbread house she'd made last year and now Rylie wanted to make one as well.

″I know...but we couldn't finish it today anyway. It takes hours to make one,″ Kim explained. ″We can make one some other day.″

″Yeah? When? It's just eight more days until Christmas,″ Rylie sighed.

″Actually,″ Erin chimed in as she suddenly had the most brilliant idea that had only positive sides for all of them. ″How about Kim comes back tomorrow and you guys make that gingerbread house while Jay and I do the Christmas shopping? We urgently need to do that and it would be awesome if we could leave the kids with you, Kim,″ she said to her friend, giving her the sweetest smile that should help to convince her of this plan. ″Adam could come over as well and watch Emmy and Luke or hang out in Jay's mancave. Or he could help, but I doubt he'd be a big help,″ she laughed.

″The only thing he would do is eating the dough and the candy all the time,″ Kim chuckled.

″Sounds like Adam,″ Erin smirked. ″So, what do you say?″

″We should do it,″ Rylie said to Kim. ″Please, Kim, I really want to make that gingerbread house and you as the master of the bakery are the best possible teacher for that.″

″Try not to slip on your trail of slime,″ Kim laughed at the young girl and there was no doubt on Erin's mind that a friendship was developing there. Which was beautiful to see.

″I'm not fawning,″ Rylie grinned.

″Of course you do,″ Kim winked. ″But you don't have to. Because there's no way I'm not in.″

″Really?″ Erin and Rylie asked at the same time.

″Yeah, bring it on,″ Kim nodded.

″Thank you, Kim,″ Erin flung her arms around her best friend's neck.

″Of course, Erin,″ Kim smiled back. ″I don't wanna be responsible for Santa not making it to your house this year, you know? That would be cruel.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Kim and Rylie finished all their cookies while Erin bathed Emilia, the 10-month-old having flour and sugar in her hair and all over her clothes, and once Emmy was smelling of peach and raspberry instead of cookies, and wearing her unicorn onesie for the night, she went back downstairs to help Kim with cleaning up while Rylie bathed Luke whose hair was equally decorated with flour and sugar. Their ordered Chinese take-out arrived just in time when Luke was freshly bathed and they all sat down on the table to dig into the Asian dish, Erin feeding Emmy a little bit of rice, broccoli, chicken and some other steamed vegetables and her daughter once again proved that she wasn't a picky eater. Yet.

Once all the containers were emptied with not a single piece of food left, they settled on the couch with some juice-mixes, Emmy resting in Erin's lap, tucked under her chin and sucking on her bottle with cold fennel tea. Luke meanwhile had excused himself to his room upstairs so he could continue to work on the fort he's started to build earlier until it was time for him to go to bed.

″So, you and Adam finally agreed on moving in together?″ Erin asked, using the time until the men showed up for some girl talk.

″Well, not really,″ Kim sighed. ″My lease is up by the end of March but we haven't really agreed on something so far.″

″Because you don't want to? Because you think it's too early, it's the wrong thing to do?″ Erin dug deeper. She'd thought her friends were finally solid enough to take this next step as Kim had told her about the option of moving in with him once her lease was up weeks ago.

″Because...,″ Kim sighed, gnawing on her lip. ″Sometimes it's nice to know that there is my own place where I can go to in case I need to.″

″Now you sound like me,″ Erin answered perplexedly. This was about the last thing she'd expected. ″And let me tell you one thing: moving in with Jay was one of the best things I ever did and if I would've known earlier how great it is to completely live with the person you love, I'd done it way earlier. Like when he first suggested it and I freaked out about it.″

″Sometimes I can't believe you and Jay have only been living together for a year,″ Kim chuckled slightly.

″A year?!″ Rylie asked in disbelief.

″Oh yeah, Erin and Jay have quite the story,″ Kim winked at the blonde girl.

″But Emmy is almost a year old...so you only moved in together shortly before she was born?″ Rylie concluded and since Erin has never told her the full story about her and Jay, she sensed that Rylie'd thought they've been together for ages.

″Yeah, more or less,″ Erin nodded. ″This is a story for another day, Ry.″

″Not another day. You'll definitely tell me later,″ she smirked and took a sip from her juice.

″Whatever,″ Erin laughed. ″So back to the problem,″ she said and looked back to Kim. ″What is the actual problem?″

″I don't know,″ the brunette shrugged. ″I guess I'm just scared that we're rushing things. Again.″

″Sometimes rushing things isn't the worst thing in the world,″ Erin smiled and her eyes fell on her daughter who still sat in her lap, comfortably leaning against her chest.

″Yeah...yeah, I guess it's not,″ Kim smiled at the baby.

″You remember how a couple of months ago you told me you want the whole deal with him?″ Erin asked her friend and Kim nodded in response. ″Then at some point you just simply have to take that next step. It might be right. It might be wrong. You'll never know until you do it but Kim, getting back together with Adam you also didn't know whether it was the right decision or the wrong one. Eventually you just decided for what your heart told you and I don't think you've regretted this so far,″ she smiled at her. ″So don't overthink this and just do what your heart tells you.″

″Thank you,″ Kim smiled back. ″I think I really needed to hear that.″

″Maybe you did,″ Erin winked.

″Rylie, in case you haven't recognized it so far, Erin has that special gift with always telling people what they need to hear.″

″Oh, I do know that,″ Rylie smirked sheepishly. ″So you move in with him?″

″My heart yells yes while my brain asks me whether I'm nuts to move in with that idiot,″ she laughed. ″But I think I'm going with my heart.″

″You should,″ Rylie grinned. ″Then now back to you and Jay,″ she turned to Erin who could see that she was dying to know their lovestory.

″Okay,″ Erin gave in because she knew Rylie would bug her forever otherwise. ″Short version: Because Jay and I were working in the same unit, we weren't allowed to date. Then I changed the unit for a little while and we had that affair-relationship kind of thing. After a couple of weeks I returned to my old job and we continued to date secretly until someone found out. We cooled it for some months and I had a bit of a rough time due to a friend's death,″ she said and swallowed the small lump in her throat that she always had when she talked about Nadia. And there was no reason for Rylie to know about all of that, so she continued quickly and left some parts out. ″For some reason, at some point, it didn't matter anymore whether we dated or not and we basically got the permission to do what we want. So we got back together and six months into us dating, Emilia happened,″ she smiled faintly and once more her eyes fell on her daughter. ″We decided to move in together when I was five months pregnant but he only officially moved in last December. He asked me to marry him on New Years Eve and Emmy was born five weeks later. We bought this house in May, married in July and moved in here in August. That's it.″

″And here I was, thinking that you guys have been together forever. That you married, bought a house and then decided to start a family,″ Rylie said and shook her head slightly.

″Not exactly, no,″ Erin grinned. ″We don't do things the usual way.″

″Obviously,″ Rylie chuckled. ″So you went from dating your work-partner to marry him and you're also dating your work partner, right?″ she asked, looking from Erin to Kim and it was obvious that she was making her own conclusions.

″Oh no,″ Kim quickly denied. ″Adam's not my work-partner. He's working in Intelligence and I'm working on patrol.″

″But you work in the same district, don't you?″

″Yeah, we do, why?″ Kim frowned.

″Oh, you know, seeing that Erin met her husband at work and you your boyfriend as well, I just figured that I should probably start to check out my male coworkers, the med students...″ she said ever so casual, sweet and innocent, if Erin would've had some juice in her mouth, she had probably choked on that now, spilling it all over her daughter and the couch.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The guys only returned back from their trip around 10pm, Erin, Kim and Rylie having moved on from their endless chats to some kind of movie night, and they were eating popcorn and watching _The Longest Ride_ when they heard the cars pulling up in front of the house.

″What do you think, did they get their trees?″ Kim asked and jumped up from the couch.

″They got some, even if they are the ugliest trees in the world,″ Erin laughed, knowing exactly that none of the guys would come back with empty hands, and got up from the couch as well so they could welcome their men home.

″Please tell me this is not Adam's tree,″ Kim exclaimed when she opened the front door and her eyes immediately fell on the gigantic tree that lay on Adam's pick-up truck.

″Well,″ Erin chuckled and motioned her head to the Audi in the driveway, ″figuring that Jay has our tree on our car and they apparently already dropped the other guys and their trees off, I'd say this is Adam's tree.″

″And you wondered why I'm reluctant about moving in with him,″ she sighed dramatically. ″I mean, Erin, look at this thing, it's huge. I bet it doesn't even fit into his apartment.″

″Hey girls!″ Adam waved before Erin could answer anything. ″Do you see that tree? Huh? We logged that all by ourselves,″ he said all proud with the biggest smile on his face and started to make his way through the frontyard and up the porch to join them.

″You know, Kim,″ Erin murmured into her friend's ear. ″Some men just have to boost their ego sometimes. And it seems like your boyfriend is one of them. I mean, there are worse things than boosting his ego with some Christmas tree,″ she chuckled.

″Thanks Erin, this really helped,″ Kim laughed.

″Or we interpret it differently and say he just wanted to impress you,″ she smirked.

″What do you say? Isn't that one awesome tree?″ Adam asked as soon as he joined them and kissed his girlfriend gushily.

″Uhm yeah...it's big,″ Kim chuckled.

″I know, right?″ Adam beamed, obviously not getting the message that Kim was not exactly excited about the size of the tree.

″You'll need lots of lights and ornaments for that tree,″ Erin noticed, adding all dry: ″And probably a different apartment if you don't want the star and the top of the tree go through the ceiling and decorate your neighbor's living room.″

″Exactly what I told him,″ Jay joined them and wrapped his arms around his wife from behind.

″It will fit, no worries.″ Adam actually sounded pretty convinced of that, it was hilarious.

″Your sense of proporation might've dumped you here, bud,″ Jay laughed, giving his friend a pat on the back. ″But we already tried to tell you that multiple times before your chainsaw made contact with that poor tree.″

″You're all invited to marvel at my perfect Christmas tree next week,″ Adam smirked, ignoring his friend's remark.

″Hey babe, did you also hear how Adam just invited us for beer and and his famous Fettucine Alfredo?″ Erin asked her husband deadpan.

″Absolutely,″ Jay nodded all serious. ″Thanks Adam, we'll come over Friday evening.″

″Wait. Who said something about Fettucine Alfredo?″ he asked, his face as confused as when he'd first tried to use the facial recognition software all those years back, making Erin and Jay and even Kim burst out in laughters.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Adam and Kim left shortly after Erin and Jay had invited themselves over for dinner on Friday after work, Jay asking his friend whether he was sure that he could carry this giant tree up to his apartment all alone or rather wanted his help. Adam assured him that he would get it handled, Kim's facial expression giving her away that she wasn't so sure about that, and so the couple left and Erin and Jay could carry their own tree through the house and to the patio where they would store it until they would decorate it together with the kids next week.

By the time they returned to the living room, Rylie has retreated to her room to give them some privacy and only in the dimmed light of the room, Erin saw the scratch on Jay's cheek she hadn't seen out on the porch earlier. It didn't look too bad or too deep and rather made him look even sexier. If that was even possible.

″What happened there?″ she raised her eyebrow and ran her thumb over the scratch and his stubbles, his cheeks all rosy from the cold he'd been in for the better part of the day.

″Oh, you should see the other guy,″ he joked, giving her one of his trademark smiles that always made her heart flutter.

″Given that the other guy probably was a tree, I guess he lost?″ she grinned up at him.

″Didn't stand a chance,″ he smirked contentedly.

″I'm so proud of you,″ she murmured with a lot of tease in her voice and pressed her lips against his in what turned out to be quite a hot kiss.

″I can't wait for you to see the tree,″ he breathed against her lips which sent chills down her spine and made her pulse pick up its pace.

″This tree is the last thing I want to see right now,″ she answered with a low voice that found its way right to his groin, the kiss that followed sending an overdose of heat through his entire body.

″What do you wanna see then?″ he chuckled and kissed her cheek and earlobe softly.

″You,″ she giggled by his breath tickling her sensitive skin. ″Shirtless. Boxer-less. Naked in fact. And I don't wanna wait for that, preferably.″

″I don't think you should wait for that,″ he whispered and kissed her again, picking her up by her thighs in the same second so he could carry her upstairs and into their bedroom where he would give her exactly what she demanded.

Making love with Erin would forever send him into the very best kind of oblivion, this night proving no exception as panting, moaning and exclamations of love filled the air in their bedroom, as he lost himself in her and she lost herself in him, as once again one round wasn't enough to satisfy their need and lust.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Christmas came closer and it seemed like Chicago's maniacs finally decided to give the Intelligence unit a break as the week that led to Christmas turned out to be the slowest in the history of slow weeks. In fact, it was as slow that they asked Homicide whether they needed help with a case because Intelligence had absolutely nothing to do, so the Ivory Tower had them parked at their desks and work through all their CI files and open case files so they weren't in the bullpen for nothing. It was needless to say that they all probably cheered a little too much when Hank told them that Homicide had indeed an unsolved case they could take over.

Unfortunately they had that one solved in not even two days and working an average Homicide case they all got reminded why they loved Intelligence with all the action so much though Homicide cases were still better than no cases at all. The senseless and headache-causing paperwork had them back by Friday, but since Hank wasn't a fan of working with pen and paper either and as it was the last workday before the long Christmas weekend, he let them all go home at 4pm after they'd already spent the afternoon with drinking coffee and eating Christmas cookies, making their very own, small Christmas party that had them all chilling in their chairs with their feet on their desks.

Hank came over to the Halstead-house to babysit in the evening, giving Erin and Jay the chance to have dinner with Kim and Adam at Adam's place where those Fettucine Alfredo were already waiting for them by the time they arrived. Antonio and Kevin joined the two couples as well, because of course they also wanted to see the tree. The tree, that Adam had been all convinced would fit into his apartment, was of course too huge and a big part of the top was bent and squished against the ceiling. Naturally, Jay and Erin and also Kevin and Antonio couldn't hold back with teasing him about his perfectly fitting, beautiful tree all the time and so the whole evening consisted of endless laughters accompanied by too much good food and too much red and white wine.

As a matter of prudence, Jay and Erin had already taken an Uber to get to Adam's apartment, so for the first time in months, if not years or ever, they both returned home a little tipsy as all the wine had found its way right into their heads. And even though they thought they were able to hide it like pros in front of Hank, Erin _knew_ that her father-figure has very well picked up on the fact that they both probably had one glass of wine too many. Not that this was something Hank was still worried about. Erin had her feet on the ground and drinking a glass too many in company of friends occasionally was something he could absolutely live with because he knew she was a complete different person now than she'd been back when alcohol had been her way to escape reality and drown her feelings. And so it was even fun for him to watch how his pseudo-daughter and his best detective tried to hide that they probably should've denied that last glass and he wondered whether he should give them a call in the morning to ask about their well-being because sometimes he still was that guy who liked to give other people a hard time when he had the chance to do so, especially his son-in-law, that he appreciated more than he was able to admit.

Saturday morning came and although they didn't have monstrous headaches, Emilia's whining resounding from the baby monitor before 7 in the morning wasn't the most pleasant sound in the world. Neither Erin nor Jay could remember the last time they'd actually slept in. Their honeymoon in Antigua might has been the last time that they'd slept past 7.30am and this precious time they'd had as just the two of them seemed like a lifetime ago. When it in fact have not even been five months.

″I go and get her,″ Jay yawned and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, stretching his limbs before he got up.

It only took him a couple of seconds to pick Emmy up from her crib and come back into the bedroom. He pulled the curtains back, so their room could slowly light up with the dusk.

″Still no snow Emmy,″ Jay said sadly. ″But there's still a little time, so we don't give up on a white Christmas just yet, right?″

Erin adjusted her position in bed so she could watch Jay with Emmy on his arm standing in front of the window, her Eeyore stuffy in his other hand as father and daughter shared this sweet moment.

″Last year we had so much snow on Christmas, it wasn't even funny anymore. And then, when mommy and daddy went to the cabin, we even got snowed in because there was so much snow, you can't even imagine, princess,″ he told his daughter and kissed the side of her head.

″Oh yeah, that was fun,″ Erin chuckled. ″Especially this one evening when we thought this munchkin wants to enter the world at the worst possible moment,″ she added with a laugh, remembering vividly how they'd both freaked out when she'd thought the pain in her abdomen and back were contractions. Contractions that had later turned out to be harmless Braxton Hicks.

″That night, I was so sure we would have an unattended home birth in the cabin,″ Jay chuckled and turned around to his wife. Nowadays he could laugh about this, back then his heart had dropped to his smallest toes by her words that she thought she was in labor.

″Yep, the color on your face told the same story,″ Erin grinned.

″And then you let us wait for more than four more weeks,″ Jay said to Emmy and tickled her belly before he sat down on his side of the bed. He settled Emmy and her Eeyore in between them and despite not being able to sleep in, their morning started in the best way possible, with lots of morning cuddles and lots of laughters and baby giggles thanks to Jay goofing around with Emmy's stuffy and making nonsense with her. Those were the mornings. The mornings they both lived for and would never treat for anything.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″You know babe, I still don't know whether this is such a brilliant idea,″ Erin mentioned, eyeing their undecorated Christmas tree in the living room later that Saturday. She had to admit, although it was quite big, it was a beautifully grown tree that Jay'd picked and logged for them, which actually didn't surprise her because of course her perfectionist would come home with nothing but the best.

″What about this tree is not brilliant?″ Jay frowned.

″It's not the tree,″ she laughed. ″It's just the fact that it is so big that we can't put it on some kind of small table because then it would end up looking like Adam's.″

″Why would you want to put it on a table?″ his frown grew.

″Because of Emmy,″ she answered, her eyes falling on her daughter, who sat on the floor with Crispin and some toys. ″See...she's walking but doesn't have the perfect balance all the time, so what if she falls into the tree? Or even worse, if she tries to pull herself up by holding one of the branches and the whole tree crashes on her?″

″Er,″ Jay said softly and closed the gap between them. His wife was cute when she went in all-protective mommy-mode. ″I doubt our 18-pound girl is able to break that big tree down, even if she tries to pull herself up by some branch.″

″Okay...maybe she's not able to do that. But she could still fall into it and hurt herself,″ Erin mentioned, biting her lip. The last thing she wanted was any Christmas-tree related accident.

″Er, she can hurt herself falling against the edge of our coffee table or table leg or...″

″Stop it,″ Erin said, her eyes literally scolding him, and she placed her finger on his lips to make him stop talking about all these horrifying scenarios where Emilia could hurt herself. ″Or I never let her walk around in here ever again.″

Jay took her hand in his own, saying with a grin: ″Oh, I bet our little whirlwind will be delighted with that.″ He brought her hand up to his face and kissed it. ″Babe, Emmy will hurt herself. It's inevitable. She will run somewhere outside and fall down and rip her jeans and have bloody knees and hands. She will run against the dresser or anything else that's in the way and have a lump on her forehead. That's the process of growing up and there's nothing we can do about it. Kids fall, they hurt themselves, they cry. But the good thing is, they usually forget about it after only ten minutes and their world is all sunshine and roses again. Until they fall again. That's how it goes.″

″Kids might forget about it rather quick. But what about us?″ Erin asked, knowing that her man was right.

″We just have to live with it. Soothe her. Kiss her. Give her a bandaid with unicorns or Minnie Mouse or some Disney Princess. And then watch her go on her next adventure.″

″Sounds simple,″ Erin shrugged. ″Despite the fact that it isn't,″ she chuckled slightly.

″I know. No one said parenting is easy,″ Jay winked and leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead.

″Words of wisedom, huh?″ she chuckled.

″Absolutely,″ he nodded. ″So can we start decorating that awesome, perfect tree that your awesome, perfect, _wise_ husband chose?″

Erin involuntarily giggled by his words because yes, this awesome perfect husband of hers has turned her into that kind of woman that actually giggled like a lovestruck teenager. ″Sometimes you're so full of yourself, Jay Halstead,″ she laughed, her head falling against his chest.

″Sometimes I have every right to be,″ he smirked cockily.

″You're an idiot,″ she chuckled and punched her fist against his shoulder.

″But an idiot that you happen to love,″ he grinned, his eyes sparkling with so much joy and love.

″Most days,″ she grinned back at him and pressed her lips against his to confirm her statement. ″Probably all days,″ she whispered against his lips before they melted in another kiss that was deeper than the one before.

″Mama,″ Emmy's sweet voice interrupted their moment, the brown-blonde-haired girl reaching out for Erin.

″You making sure that mommy and daddy don't make out in front of your eyes, bug?″ Jay laughed, making some silly faces as Erin picked Emilia up from the floor.

″Dada,″ Emmy babbled as soon as she was in her mother's arms and reached out for Jay.

″Seriously Emmy?″ Erin laughed and handed her to Jay.

″So Em, what do you think, should we finally decorate our Christmas tree? You gonna give mommy and daddy a hand?″ Never before they'd had their Christmas tree up that late but with Jay wanting to log the thing himself and them not finding the time to decorate it at weeknights, they'd agreed on only decorating it shortly before Christmas if this meant they could do it all together.

″How about you start with the lights while I make some pasta for lunch?″ Erin asked.

″Food is always a brilliant idea,″ Jay winked and so Erin headed to the kitchen to start making some pasta with tomato sauce while Jay started to put the fairy lights on the tree, Emilia always crawling around or taking a few steps as she followed her favorite colorful ball before plopping down on the floor again. Luke meanwhile was nowhere to be seen in the living room. Ever since Rylie'd helped him to build that giant fort in his room, he spent hours in there, always occupying himself with his toys or trying to make the fort even better and bigger. Sometimes though, he allowed Rylie, Emmy, Erin and Jay to join, especially when he needed them to play pirate or knight or firefighter.

Rylie was not around today at all as she had left the house earlier this morning, telling them that she went to Kim's place as they wanted to bake a special cake for Christmas Eve and Kim would then later drive her to her meeting, where a little Christmas party took place today. They'd asked her whether they should wait with decorating the tree until she was back but Rylie'd said she was fine with not being involved and that the four of them should do it without her.

They had lunch a little later, and as always, Luke had tomato sauce all over his face afterwards and not only was Emmy's bib full of tomato sauce but so were her face and her hands, more noodles probably on the floor than in her belly, Crispin grabbing the chance to make sure their floor was clean. That was the thing about small children eating their food on their own: the mess that came with it was gigantic. It was nothing they weren't used to though.

Their plan of decorating the tree right after lunch got foiled when Emmy started to get cranky, showing her parents that it was time for her nap, so while their youngest was dreaming the sweetest dreams in her room, Jay and Erin joined Luke in his fort to play pirate with him, all of them wearing those silly pirate hats, and they had little fights with plastic swords. Several times Luke tried to tackle them when he wanted to steal their gold coins because of course he was the bad, scary pirate, the master of the sea everyone was afraid of.

The day this little munchkin and his mother moved out, given that Rylie would continue to shine and would therefore be allowed to live with her son in a couple of months, would for sure be one of the hardest.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Okay Luke, how about you put the ornaments on the lower part of the tree with Erin while Emmy and I do the rest? And in the end, I will lift you all the way up to the top so you can put the star on there,″ Jay explained his plan in the late afternoon when Emmy was all alert and back being happy and satisfied.

″Yes yes yes,″ the energetic 5-year-old beamed and jumped up and down in front of him.

″Okay bud, then grab an ornament over there and put it on the tree,″ he smiled and motioned his head to the boxes full of various ornaments and white and silver Christmas balls on the coffee table.

″Can I take anything?″ Luke asked, his eyes widening as he stood in front of the boxes.

″Whatever you want,″ Erin, who'd just joined them, said and kneeled down next to him, her hand finding a spot on the small of his back. ″But maybe you want to put this one on our tree first...″ she said, bringing her other hand up from behind her back, revealing one of his favorite Disney characters, Olaf, in form of an ornament.

″Olaaaaaaaaaf,″ Luke squealed.

″Let's find the perfect place for him,″ Erin winked and guided the boy to their tree. ″I'd say it deserves a spot somewhere up there, where everyone can see it, right?″

″Right,″ Luke nodded and eagerly and Erin lifted him up so he could put the first, very special, ornament on their tree.

″How do you like it?″ Erin asked him.

″It's perfect,″ Luke grinned like a Chesire Cat and as soon as Erin put him back down on the floor, he ran to the boxes and picked another ornament.

″So Em, which one do we want to put on there first? A Christmas ball? Or this Santa-ornament?″ he asked his daughter and leaned down a little so her could grab something from the box.

″Ba,″ Emmy babbled, which Jay assumed meant ball, but instead of reaching for the silver Christmas ball, her little hands reached for the Santa-ornament.

″Well okay, I guess we take both then,″ Jay laughed and grabbed the Santa-ornament and the Christmas ball, putting them both on their tree a couple of seconds later.

While the world outside got darker with dawn setting in, their Christmas tree got fuller with all kinds of ornaments and balls, Christmas songs like _Wonderful Dream_ and _All I Want for Christmas_ played in the background, sometimes drowned by joyful child laughters and giggles. Naturally, some ornaments and Christmas balls didn't make it to the tree or crashed down as soon as Luke had put them there but this was another thing they'd expected when decorating a tree with a 5-year-old and an almost 11-month-old. In the end, their tree was perfectly and beautifully decorated anyway and after Luke had proudly put the star on top with Jay's help, they all took a few steps back from the tree and Erin turned the light off, so the only light in the room came from their Christmas tree. Their very first Halstead Christmas tree.

″Wow,″ Luke whispered, speaking out what Jay and Erin thought. This moment was so special, it somehow made them speechless. Their first Christmas as a family was just around the corner and what might have felt unreal up until now, definitely felt real in that moment. In less than 48 hours, lots of presents would wait under that tree on Christmas morning and they both couldn't wait to see Luke's eyes shine and watch Emilia trying to unwrap her presents, all of them – Jay, Erin, Emmy, Luke and Rylie - still wearing their pajamas, just like in all those movies. This, their first Christmas as a family, would be the kind of Christmas neither Luke nor Rylie ever had. The kind of Christmas Erin hadn't had as a child, had only known from movies where the world was almost disgustingly perfect, the kind of Christmas she'd dreamed of when hiding in her room as Christmas had never been a lot more than an average day. And now she could give her daughter this perfect first Christmas. It was a thought that made her almost tear up.

″Better late than never. I'd say we did a pretty darn good job,″ Jay said, wrapping the arm Emmy didn't occupy around Erin's shoulder and she immediately snuggled against him. He knew this was a special moment for her and it wasn't less special for him. Although he'd had Christmas trees like this as a child, although he'd had Christmas mornings in pajamas, he'd never had a perfect Christmas, simply because his father had always somehow ruined it. And now he could give his daughter what he'd always wanted. A perfect, peaceful Christmas filled with all the love.

″We did,″ Erin nodded and lifted her head to look at him.

And as her eyes met his and his eyes met hers, the lights from the tree reflecting in their orbs and letting them sparkle, they both knew exactly what the other one was thinking and feeling, this beautiful connection they had once more being able to tell more than a thousand words could.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was later that evening, long after Erin had picked up Rylie from the Christmas party of her support group, the house quiet and the kids sleeping, Rylie probably still awake and watching TV, the lights from the Christmas tree and the flickering of the TV the only things that illuminated the room, when Jay suddenly said: ″You know, as a child, I liked to lie next to the Christmas tree because looking up felt like star gazing.″

″Yeah?″ Erin asked, lifting her head from his chest.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded. ″Come on, I show you.″ He pushed her aside softly, turned the TV off and got up, grabbed the blanket that had kept their legs warm while watching TV and arranged it on the floor, using Emmy's huge playmat as a second cushion. He then grabbed two of the fluffy pillows from their couch and threw them on the floor as well before coming back and taking Erin's hand to lead her to this little, cozy spot in front of the tree.

They lay down next to each other, their hands intertwining almost immediately and for a moment it was beautifully silent as they gazed up their tree that looked so different from down here.

″I think I can see the Milky Way,″ Erin somewhen laughed slightly.

″Yeah, I can definitely see it, too,″ Jay chuckled, playing along with her. ″And there's the Orion,″ he added, pointing his finger to some of the lights.

″Oh wow, we really put Orion's belt on our tree,″ she laughed raspily. It was without a doubt Jay's favorite sound in the world, hearing her laugh like this. It was the sound he'd fallen in love with all the years back, when he hadn't even known her, when he'd filled out forms on his first day and she'd walked in to stun him with her simple appearance and when she'd laughed about something with Platt, this exact raspy laughter finding its way right to his heart.

″I love you,″ he whispered and turned his head to her.

″I love you more,″ she smiled back at him and they shared a short but meaningful kiss, being anxious to not lose it completely in front of their tree, in their living room, when Rylie was in the room just down the hallway.

And while the snow started to fall from the skies outside, unbeknownst to the two of them, they shared more kisses and sweet moments under their Christmas tree and used this rare time they had as just the two of them to talk about anything and everything and to just enjoy the silence they for once were surrounded with, they almost didn't know anymore as usually excited children's babbling and joyful giggles and unsatisfied crying filled the air. All those sounds they didn't want to miss for anything anymore. All those sounds that made them constantly realize what really mattered. All those sounds that have made this time before Christmas the most special one in their lives for various reasons...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	82. 365 Days

**Thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one as well :)**

* * *

 **82\. 365 Days**

″There's something I gotta ask you,″ Rylie said in the morning of 24 December when she shuffled into the kitchen where Jay and Erin were preparing some kind of super breakfast including pancakes, bacon, fruits, granola with greek joghurt, and crisped up buns from the oven.

Erin raised her eyebrow and threw Jay an asking glance, her husband looking equally confused and they were both wondering whether Rylie'd probably heard anything from their conversation under the Christmas tree last night.

″Uhm sure, go ahead,″ Erin said.

″So you guys go to Wisconsin on Tuesday, right?″ she asked and tried to make it sound casual. It seemed like this wasn't about last night.

″Yeah we do, why?″ Jay asked back.

″I was just wondering...there's no chance that you leave Luke here with me, is there?″

Erin had to give a lot to not laugh out loud by her question. Sometimes she wondered how far from reality Rylie lived regarding certain things because right now it seemed like she was living on an entire different planet. ″Rylie, you can consider yourself very lucky that you are able to spend time with Luke every day because you happen to live with us. Usually, you would only have supervised visits right now and then, in a couple of weeks, you'd be allowed to spend time with him alone. So in case this doesn't answer your question already: no there's no chance we leave Luke here because we have custody and it will stay like this for a couple more months.″

″I figured that...I just thought I could ask,″ she answered meekly, biting her lip.

″You've been out of rehab for four weeks now, Ry. You gotta be patient,″ Erin said.

″It's not always easy,″ the blonde girl admitted.

″I know."

″Huh,″ Rylie only shrugged in response because there was honestly nothing else she could say. ″So while the four of you are gone, what about me? We haven't talked about that detail yet.″

″Well, you will go to work. That's why you can't come with us,″ Jay explained.

″I know that. And I rather meant: where do I live while you're not here?″ she asked. ″You're not going to park me at your dad's place, are you?″ Erin didn't miss the nervous look in Rylie's grey orbs when she looked at her. Hank surely had an aura that made people that didn't know him being scared of him. Which wasn't the worst thing when it came to all the fishy suspects they had to deal with on a daily basis.

″Why? Are you afraid of him?″ Erin chuckled.

″No, I'm not of course,″ Rylie answered instantly, adding quietly: ″Well, maybe a little.″ Her cheeks blushed. ″Don't you dare to tell him though.″

″Your secret's safe. Because I totally understand you, Rylie,″ Jay laughed, remembering how exactly 365 days ago he'd been a total wreck because he was about to ask Hank for his permission to marry Erin and he'd honestly weighed his chances whether he would make it out of this conversation alive or probably end the day on the bottom of the Chicago River. ″But however,″ he winked at the young girl, ″Erin and I have indeed been talking about this and we would allow you to stay here.″

″Here?″ Rylie echoed and her eyes widened. ″As in your house?″

″Yes,″ Erin confirmed. ″We trust you, Rylie and we know you won't act negligently with the credit of trust we give you here.″

″I won't...I promise,″ she stammered, still completely perplex.

″No house party on New Years, okay?″ Jay made sure.

″Of course not,″ Rylie assured him. ″About New Years, there's something else anyway...Kim invited me to spend it with her and Adam at Adam's place. She said Kevin will come as well and bring his siblings. Soooo, can I go?″

Erin had to smile by her shy request, by the fact that she was asking for permission like she was their child. ″You're an adult and you can make your own choices. But you are responsible for these choices. So you can do whatever you want, as long as you show up at work the next morning, not hung-over or sleep-deprived or anything. Which I actually know you won't because you know what's on the line...″

″Yeah, I do. That's why I thought I should probably leave after the fireworks. I would still get enough sleep and not risk making any mistakes at work.″

″See, there you go,″ Erin smiled at her, hints of pride on her face. ″That's the reason why we trust you.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The whole Halstead-family, which right now of course also included Rylie and Luke, arrived at the house of Jay's dad in the early evening. Together with Will, Natalie and Owen, they would spend a relaxed Christmas Eve at Jay's and Will's childhood home, at least as relaxed as possible with three kids that young, energetic and loud running through the house. As Robert Halstead had demanded to prepare dinner all by himself, including soup, main course and dessert, Erin and Jay had used the day to prepare all the stuff they could already prepare for tomorrow as Hank, Justin, Olive and the boys, Jay's dad and their loyal nanny Carol would all come to the Halstead-house to celebrate Christmas together. Since all of their guests would bring something for their big Christmas menu, their day had not been too busy and they'd even had time to go outside with the kids to try to build a snowman with the little bit of snow that the other night had brought. For a real white Christmas it still had to snow more but right now, the sky didn't do them the favor and let those heavy, thick snowflakes fall that were filling those big, grey clouds that were covering the sky above them.

While Rylie went upstairs to the playroom to keep an eye on Luke, Owen and Emilia, Jay and Natalie helped Jay's old man with some final preparations and Erin and Will dedicated themselves to set the table. Just like Jay was the better cook in their relationship, regardless of the improvement Erin's gone through in the last few months, Natalie was beating Will in the kitchen by far, her skills definitely better than her boyfriend's.

″So, how's Rylie doing at Med?″ Erin asked as she put cuttlery on each place. Within the last few weeks she has only seen her brother-in-law for work reasons when the ginger had treated one of their victims or when they'd had a case that required his medical knowledge, so she'd never had the chance to ask about Rylie. Though she'd figured if there were any complaints, she'd have gotten a call from Goodwin firsthand.

″She doesn't tell you about all the compliments she gets?″ Will grinned at his sister-in-law.

″Uhm no, she's not that kind of person who's bragging about stuff,″ Erin grinned back. She actually liked people that were humble but sometimes she wished Rylie would be more proud of the things she achieved instead of not allowing herself to be proud. Because it would only help her to gain confidence in herself. ″This means she's doing well then?″

″So far, she's been killing it, Erin,″ Will smirked. ″She's working hard, is not afraid to do the dirty work that usually no one is a fan of doing and she's always there, asking whether she can do anything although she's not even allowed to work with patients yet. We literally have to force her to take a lunch break,″ he laughed. ″She's sweet and humble and dedicated and everyone likes her. Her drug tests are clean, which you probably know from DCFS, and she doesn't know yet but Goodwin is going to extend her internship for another five months.″

″She will be so thrilled about that,″ Erin smiled. ″Thank you so much for everything you've been doing for her.″

″You're very welcome,″ he winked. ″Rylie is a raw diamond and if she keeps doing like that, I think everyone at Med will be happy to help her to get into nursing college once she has that highschool diploma.″

″That's terrific,″ Erin smiled even brighter. Sometimes she couldn't believe that it's only been three months since she'd met Rylie for the first time. Within three months Rylie's life had changed from lack of prospects to have a real future for the first time in her life, to have the perspective of one day working a real job and getting her son back rather sooner than later. Though the road there was still a long one, with possible setbacks and hazards waiting all along that road.

″Jay told me you guys go to the cabin for New Years?″ Will changed the topic

″Yeah, we drive Tuesday, have 5 full days there and come back on the 1st so we can go back to work on the 2nd,″ she told him, a dimpled smile returning to her face. She couldn't wait to be back at this magical place, their very own escape from reality up in Northern Wisconsin in the middle of nowhere.

″That's hell of a drive with two kids,″ he mentioned. ″They will drive you up the walls.″

″Most likely,″ Erin chuckled. ″But we'll only leave on Tuesday evening and drive into the night, so they will hopefully both sleep most of the time and for the way back we still have to discuss the best option.″

″Hey guys, what's going on with the table?″ Jay asked, stepping out of the kitchen in that moment. ″We can start to eat any minute and there's not even one plate on the table yet,″ he sighed dramatically.

″Chillax Jay, we just somehow chatted away,″ Will laughed, shaking his head at his little brother's impatience when it came to food.

″So you guys chat while I'm close to starving to death? Nice.″

″My husband, isn't he quite the complainer?″ Erin laughed to Will and pecked Jay's cheek shortly.

″Yeah, seperating Jay from food has never been a brilliant move,″ Will laughed back and finally started to put the plates on the table.

″By the way,″ Erin said to Jay, ″your brother thinks we're nuts going on a more than 6-hour roadtrip with two kids.″

″You know babe, I can't even argue with him about that,″ Jay chuckled. ″But spending time at the cabin is worth any roadtrip. Although I might reconsider that statement in the near future.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It only took around 15 more minutes and the whole family was sitting around the table, bowls with deliciously smelling pumpkin soup right in front of them and when Robert raised from his seat with his glass in his hand and cleared his throat so he had all the attention, Erin was sure that in the short moment of absolute silence, when even the kids all looked at the old man, she could hear more than just her husband's stomach rumbling.

″No worries, this is not going to be a big speech,″ Robert laughed, figuring that everyone was hungry and only waiting to be allowed to put their spoons into their soup bowls. ″But there is something I want to say,″ he smiled and inhaled a deep breath, tears sparkling in his brown eyes behind his glasses.

″Thank you for coming and spending this Christmas Eve with me. It really means a lot to me, more than you can possibly imagine. Because 365 days ago...″ At this point his voice broke and he had to take another deep breath. ″Because 365 days ago I spent this Christmas Eve all alone until Will showed up late after the end of his shift. 365 days ago I thought I have only a couple more weeks to live. I thought this would be my last Christmas. I thought I would die without reconciling with my youngest son,″ he said hoarsely and looked at Jay. Erin turned her head to her husband and saw tears sparkling in his blue orbs as well which made her hand automatically travel to his thigh. ″I thought I would never get to know my granddaughter,″ he continued, his eyes now falling on Emmy, who sat in her highchair next to Jay and was playing with her spoon. ″I thought I would never meet the woman my oldest son couldn't stop talking about.″ Now his eyes fell on Natalie, the woman that has now for more than 10 months been the woman on Will's side. ″But then my personal miracle happened,″ he said and his eyes traveled back to Jay, a warm smile rushing over his features when he looked at his son who was so much like his late wife. ″A miracle in various ways in fact. A miracle that not only allows me to witness another Christmas but that rather allows me to spend it with my family. So this is to the things that happened within the last 365 days and led us all here tonight,″ he smiled, his voice stronger again and now his eyes especially searched for Rylie and Luke to assure them that they also belonged here. ″This is to our first family-Christmas. Cheers!″

″To our first family-Christmas,″ Jay said and got up as well to clink his glass with his father's.

″To our first family-Christmas,″ Will also said as everyone except the two youngest in their highhairs got up to raise their glasses.

″Cheers,″ everyone chorused when they clinked their glasses and took some sips from their water, wine, soda or whatever liquid was filling the glasses they were holding in their hands.

Their feast started right after everyone sat down again and continued for almost two hours until the very last piece of pie was eaten and everyone's stomach was about to explode and even just moving from the dining table to the huge couch seemed to be a challenge. During dinner, Luke had told them that for the last two years, it has been his mom's, Ty's and his tradition to watch _Frozen_ on the evening before Christmas and he asked whether even though Ty was in heaven now, they could continue this tradition and all watch the movie together. It was needless to say that everyone had had a big lump in their throat by the time Luke finished talking and looked at them with expecting eyes and of course everyone had agreed to keep this tradition of the Jackson-family alive and probably even include it as a tradition into the Halstead-family.

They all settled on the couch and started to play the movie, Emmy resting in Jay's lap but passing out after only ten minutes and sleeping in her father's arms for the duration of the movie, Owen resting in Will's lap where he fell asleep not even halfway through the film, and Luke snuggling into his mother's side, managing to stay awake until the movie was over, always humming along with the songs in the most adorable way. Afterwards they tucked all the kids in upstairs so they could have some more drinks and chats in the living room that was only enlightened by candles and the Christmas tree, a whole lot of Christmas-family-love-vibes in the air. It was definitely a different kind of Christmas Eve for all of them this year. But it was different in a beautiful, perfect way.

And by the time they all left and made their ways to the cars, thick snowflakes were falling from the sky to cover the world in white, the dream of a white Christmas about to come true, which made the anticipation for Christmas morning grow even bigger.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Chicago was completely covered in white on the following morning when Jay pulled the curtains in the bedroom back to take a look outside. In a huge amount of white to be precise, the snow still falling from the dawning sky.

″Wow,″ Jay whispered all amazed, a big smile rushing over his face. He was probably more excited for this years Christmas morning, his first as a father, than any Chicagoan kid was, which was the reason why he was awake already although the night hasn't consisted of a whole lot of sleep.

″What's wow?″ Erin mumbled, her voice thick of sleep. Jay should've known that she would wake up as soon as he gently pushed her aside and left the spot next to her.

″Look at this,″ he said and pulled the curtains back even further so Erin could see the outside world from her current position.

″And here I was, thinking my husband looks at his own reflection in our windows and is amazed by what he's seeing,″ she chuckled and gave him the most innocent smirk while her eyes roamed his bare torso and literally undressed him completely.

″Well, isn't this my wife's job to be amazed by what she sees?″ he asked with a low voice and raised an eyebrow at her as he made his way back to the bed.

″Who says I'm amazed?″ she teased him as he leaned down to capture her lips.

″Those beautiful hazel-green eyes of yours kinda give you away,″ he winked.

″Do they?″ she smirked up at him and kissed him again.

″Uh-huh,″ he murmured. ″They have this hungry glance in them.″

″Oh yeah,″ she whispered against his lips. ″Kinda like yours right now?″

″Probably,″ he breathed out and when their lips met in another passionate kiss that seemed to last forever and they both knew where their morning was headed to.

The kids being a nightmare last night, after waking up in the car and refusing to go back to sleep once they'd been home, which had resulted in no one of the Halstead-household going to bed before 2am, has just taken a turn for the best: some decent and undisturbed love-making on Christmas morning while the rest of the house was still sound asleep when under normal circumstances at least Emmy would be up already.

By the time Emilia decided that her night was over and that it was time for Christmas presents, breakfast, a new diaper and some attention, they'd long finished their early morning bed antics and were wearing their pajamas as they enjoyed the closeness by slumbering all snuggled up to each other, so they literally jumped out of the bed when they heard Emmy's whining resound from the baby monitor.

″Good morning, princess,″ Jay beamed when they stepped into the nursery together. ″You know what day is today?″ he asked her when he picked her up into her arms and pressed a kiss against her head.

″It's Christmas,″ Erin smiled and kissed her daughter's cheek as well. ″Your first Christmas.″

″You want to go downstairs and check whether Santa brought you something last night and drank the milk and ate the cookies we placed there for him?″ he asked her.

″Easy Mr. Halstead,″ Erin chuckled. ″Seems like daddy is as euphoric that he missed this smell, huh?″ she said to Emmy and took her from Jay's arms into her own. ″So let's get you changed first, bug.″

″I didn't,″ Jay grinned mischievously. ″But thanks for doing it,″ he winked cockily, earning a directed punch against his shoulder from her, and then watched her change Emmy's diaper, their little one thankfully beeing cooperative so it was done in a couple of minutes.

″That's better, right?″ Erin asked when Emmy was all changed and sitting on the changing table, ready for her first Christmas morning adventure. Their blue-eyed girl looked beyond adorable in her red-and-white striped Christmas onesie with a cute reindeer's face on front.

″Mama,″ Emilia babbled and smiled brightly as she reached out for Erin.

″There you go, that's the smile I've been missing so far,″ Erin laughed heartily and scooped her up into her arms.

They went downstairs and into their living room, the lights on their Christmas tree glowing, countless gaily-wrapped presents lying underneath it, waiting to get unpacked by mostly Luke and Emmy, the snow still falling from the sky in front of their floor-to-ceiling windows, making this moment look like those one would usually find in all the cheesy Christmas movies.

″Look at that, Em,″ Jay whispered, imitating an all amazed voice. ″Santa was here. You wanna take a look whether he left something for you?″ he asked her and took her from Erin's arms to carry her to the tree.

He bent down by a pile of gifts, Emmy's little hands instantly reaching out to grab whatever was reachable. ″This one reads Emmy. You wanna open it?″ he asked and picked up a small gift to hand it to her.

″We should wait for Luke, babe,″ Erin reminded her husband, who was completely captured in this Christmas-bubble. Between Jay and Emmy, Jay was definitely the more excited _child_ right now.

″Just the small one here,″ he said, adding ″please,″ all puppy-eyed when she raised an eyebrow at him.

″I guess that's okay,″ she grinned and shook her head slightly because he knew as well as she did that she couldn't resist this super cute, pouting face he was making.

″Thanks honey,″ he smirked and settled with Emmy on the couch so they could open the present together.

″Let's see what's in there...″ Jay commented as he unwrapped the present, Emmy's little hands also reaching for the fancy paper in an attempt to help her father tearing it apart.

″Oh look at that Emmy, Santa brought you a xylophone,″ Jay grinned and immediately started to show Emmy how to use it.

″I'm still not sure whether it was such a brilliant idea of _Santa_ to give our daughter something that she can make a whole lot of noise with,″ Erin chuckled as she watched Emmy using the xylophone, being completely mesmerized by the sounds she managed to produce.

″I think Santa landed a big hit with that,″ Jay winked at his wife, his smile all innocent because buying a xylophone had been his idea. Erin could vividly remember how he'd tried to convince her that musical instruments were fabulous for learning causality during their Christmas shopping trip and of course she'd somewhen agreed to buy such a toy for Emmy because no matter that one day this thing would most likely drive them up the walls and they would end up throwing it out of the window, he'd had some reasonable points why this was a great gift.

″I think we will curse Santa for that in the near future,″ she laughed and took a couple of photos of her two favorite people from the side, how they sat on the couch in their pajamas, Emmy resting in Jay's lap, his hand wrapped around her arm as they played the xylophone together. Precious moments captured in black-and-white that would probably soon find a special place on one of their photo walls.

They've been playing with Emmy and her new toy, that indeed made her squeak and babble excitedly all the time, for not even fifteen minutes when Luke, who was wearing a Santa pajama as well, came running into the living room, stopping in his tracks when he saw all the colorful presents that were underneath and around the Christmas tree.

″Wow,″ he whispered and it seemed like he was as fascinated that he didn't see anything else but all the presents. ″Santa was here,″ he said just as quite to himself before all his joy exploded. ″Santa was here,″ he screamed and took off into the direction of his mother's room. ″Mommy, Santa was here! You gotta see this!″

″You think he even saw us?″ Jay asked Erin as they watched Luke running away.

″Nope,″ Erin laughed. ″You know when people have literal dollar signs in their eyes? I guess he just had all these presents in his eyes.″

″Mommy come on, quick!″ They heard Luke's excited babbling and a couple of seconds later he appeared back in the living room, pulling a very sleepy Rylie with him. ″Look at his!″ he exclaimed. ″Santa found me here. He knows I'm living here now,″ he beamed.

″I told you he would find you,″ Rylie smiled at her son and knelt down in front of him. ″Santa knows everything.″

″You think he brought me the Lego set I wished for?″ he whispered to his mother. The Lego construction set, with a truck, a crane, a wrecking ball and lots more was what he has constantly talked about in the weeks before Christmas.

″I don't know, why don't you check it out?″ she smiled.

″Can I?″ he asked her and for the first time, he turned to Erin and Jay, looking at them expectantly to make sure that he was actually allowed to open his presents.

″Go ahead buddy, we've been waiting for you,″ Jay winked and Luke was by all the presents in light speed, Rylie following him to help him to find the ones that were for him.

Jay, Erin, Emmy and Crispin joined them as well and they all settled on the floor as Luke opened one present after the other and Erin and Jay helped their daughter to open hers, Crispin, their bundle of curiosity, always making sure to see what was inside, his wet nose always by Emmy's, Jay's and Erin's hands when they unwrapped the various presents. Soon enough, all the wrapped presents turned into the Lego Set, a bobsleigh with steering wheel for some winter adventures, a big Olaf stuffy, a monstertruck set and a color by numbers book for Luke and a Bobbycar, a pull-toy in form of a cowboy on a horse, a fluffy Elephant pillow, a developmental bumby ball and a picturebook for Emmy. Of course there were also presents for Rylie and neither Jay nor Erin had forgotten their four-legged kiddo, who got some new toys he could destroy and some treats he could gobble. And of course they hadn't forgotten presents for their other half either as there were two left in the end, one for Erin and one for Jay.

″So is this from Santa Jay?″ she whispered into her husband's ear, holding the present in her hand. They were still sitting on the floor in front of the tree, Rylie and Luke somewhere off to his room upstairs to play with his new Lego set, Emmy sitting close by with Crispin, their almost one-year-old more fascinated by making a mess with all the fancy paper than by her new toys.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded. ″And it seems like Santa Erin didn't forget me either,″ he grinned and reached for the last present under the tree.

″Santa would never forget you.″ She gave him one of her famous dimpled smiles that were his favorite. ″Open it.″

″No, you first,″ he winked.

″Okay,″ she nodded and unwrapped what seemed to be some box. Driven by her curiosity, she opened the box quickly, her eyes finding a piece of paper. ″What's that? A love letter?″

″Maybe,″ Jay shrugged.

″Let's see,″ she grinned and unfolded the piece of paper, her eyes flying over the picture of the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz and the text that accompanied them and as soon as she knew what her present was, she couldn't help but start laughing.

″Why are you laughing?″ Jay asked in confusion. This was the last reaction he'd expected. He'd rather pictured how she would wrap her arms around him and tell him how much she loved this.

″Open yours,″ she chuckled and shook her head slightly.

″Ooooookay,″ he breathed out, a frown still covering his forehead, and unwrapped it quickly, only to find a little letter as well. He was quick to unfold it and once he'd read the hand-written message, he laughed out loudly as well.

″No freakin' way,″ he snorted.

″So you give me a 4-day-trip to San Francisco in February as just the two of us, to visit Teddy and enjoy some time together as average tourists...″ Erin laughed. Her brother was spending Christmas at the facility he worked at, with all the teens that didn't have anyone to celebrate Christmas with. She'd been sad when he told her that he couldn't come but of course she'd understood his reasons and she'd later told Jay how much she would love to visit Teddy in California in the foreseeable future.

″And you give me a 4-day-trip to Mackinac Island in May as just the two of us to enjoy some alone-time at the Grand Hotel,″ Jay laughed. A couple of months ago, when they'd discussed possible honeymoon destinations, she'd realized that one of the most beautiful, charming and peaceful places wasn't even that far away from Chicago, yet, they've never been there and she'd made a mental note to go there with Jay one day.

″Great minds think alike,″ she chuckled and pressed her lips against his.

″I think we both figured that we could use a couple of days just for us,″ he murmured against her lips.

″Uh-huh,″ she grinned. ″That was exactly my thought. And now we even have two trips.″

″I can't wait,″ he said and kissed her again. ″Thank you.″

″Thank you, too,″ she smiled, their lips meeting once more. And when they parted they could see all the anticipation sparkling in each other's eyes. Anticipation for seeing new places neither of them has seen so far, for some time as just the two of them, for an escape from their hectic and chaotic life for a couple of days.

″So Em, you are going to spend a couple of days with your Grandpas in February and May,″ Jay told his daughter, running his hand through her hair from behind.

″I don't think she cares right now,″ Erin noticed, their daughter still all mesmerized by the huge amount of fancy paper she was surrounded with and could tear apart or make any other mess with.

″No, I don't think so either,″ Jay agreed, adding with a chuckle: ″I think the next time there's an occadion this kid needs a present, remind that we only give her some fancy paper.″

″Way cheaper,″ Erin chuckled.

″Exactly,″ Jay nodded. ″And apparently way more interesting.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their first Christmas as parents passed by faster than they wanted but why should time stop to fly by just because it was Christmas? Unwrapping the presents and spending some time with playing with the new toys was followed by a short breakfast. Other than Emmy and Luke, no one was really hungry anyway as they were still stuffed from Robert's extensive dinner last night. And the next extensive meal was only a couple of hours away. Breakfast was then followed by changing into thick winter clothes and spending the next hour in the garden with building a huge snowman that of course had to look like Olaf. Once their snowman more or less resembled the one it was supposed to resemble and they were all freezing, they went back inside, Emmy and Luke playing with their new toys, their youngest somewhen falling asleep using Crispin as her pillow once more, and Erin, Jay and Rylie were busy to prepare everything for the arrival of their guests.

Setting the table, preparing the dishes, showering and changing into some of their fancier clothes were all done just in time and as always, Erin was the last one to get herself ready. When she left the bathroom and stepped into the master bedroom with just a towel wrapped around her body, she found Jay standing in front of the window, phone on one ear, Emilia resting on his hip, the both of them already perfectly dressed for their Christmas celebrations. Emmy was wearing an absolute adorable red plaid dress, some of her blonde-brown strands pinned back with a hair clip and Jay looked beyond handsome in his black jeans and the button-down shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows.

″Okay, bye Nick,″ he said into the phone just when Erin entered the room to change.

″Oh, tell him I say hi,″ Erin called quickly before her husband could hang up.

″Did you hear that, man?″ Jay laughed. ″Yeah, I tell her. Bye,″ he said and threw his phone on the bed after finishing the call with his cousin.

″He says hi as well,″ he winked. ″And they all wish us a merry Christmas.″

″Thanks,″ Erin smiled and slipped into her dark pants. ″How are they doing?″

″Pretty good actually. Michael and Susan are with them and Paul and Izzie made the trip from Australia, so for the first time in years they all spend Christmas together. And apparently they have lots of reasons to celebrate...″ he smirked. ″Right, Em?″ he asked his daughter, laughing slightly because he knew exactly that talking in secrets drove Erin nuts.

″Stop being mean and tell me already,″ she chuckled, narrowing her eyes at him.

″Your mommy can be so demanding and impatient,″ Jay grinned at Emilia.

″Mama,″ Emmy babbled, picking up on the word mommy.

″Yes, exactly, mommy,″ he cheered.

″Jaaayyy,″ Erin said strictly. ″Tell me. Now. Please,″ she pouted, a dimpled grin breaking through in the end.

″Okay, you won. But just because you're cute,″ he laughed, giving her this kind of glance that made her heart melt.

″Why thank you,″ Erin chuckled, rolling her eyes at him. ″So?″

″I had the chance to talk to Izzie as well, and...″ He made a pause because sometimes he enjoyed torturing and teasing her.

″And what?!″

″Paul proposed to her this morning. And she said yes,″ he smiled brightly.

″They are going to marry?!″ Erin exclaimed ecstatically, her smile equaling her husband's.

″They are,″ Jay confirmed. ″They want to marry in Australia because Paul's family and all their friends live there, so they have to wait until it's spring or summer again, so the wedding will probably be somewhen between September and December.″

″This means we're going to Australia next year?″ Erin asked, her eyes widening by the thought of traveling to Down Under for the first time. She wasn't a big traveler but Australia has definitely been on her bucket list for a while now.

″We'll see. But there's definitely a likelihood,″ Jay grinned.

″San Francisco, Mackinac, your cabin, Australia...when are we ever going to work next year?″ she laughed.

″There will be enough days where the bullpen rules our life, no worries,″ he winked.

″Yeah, I'm afraid there will be,″ Erin agreed with a sigh and reached for the blouse she wanted to wear today.

″Hey, there's another thing they are celebrating...″ Jay said meaningfully just when she thought this had been the whole surprise.

″There is?″

″Yep,″ Jay nodded and then dropped the news with a big smile. ″Mylo will get a little sister in May.″

″No way! I'm so happy for them,″ Erin beamed. ″How old is Mylo now?″

″He'll turn two in January. Finally some female support for you, right princess?″ he asked Emilia, who started to get impatient on his arm, and so he put her down on the floor, holding her hands from above as she eagerly tried to walk away.

″About time,″ Erin laughed. ″I guess your daughter wants to tell you that she rather wants to go downstairs than hanging out with her parents here,″ she noticed.

″Probably not the worst idea considering that your hair is still wrapped in a turban, huh?″ he smirked innocently, slowly making his way out of the room with Emmy walking in front of him.

″Yeah, and who's fault is that?″ Erin laughed as they walked past her.

″I have no idea...″ he laughed with her and then left the room.

″Erin, Jay!″ Rylie suddenly called from downstairs. ″Your first guests are coming!″

″Oh great,″ Erin sighed to herself. She closed the buttons of her blouse and tucked it into her jeans before she went back to the bathroom to throw some subtle make-up on and dry her hair to make some light last-minute curls into them.

By the time she was ready and went downstairs, all their guests were there already, naturally, and their huge dining and living room was filled with all the people they loved and called family. The afternoon and evening consisted of Justin and Jay building more snowmen outside with Luke and Daniel while Hank took care of 5-month-old Henry and Robert played with Emmy. In the meantime, Olive, Erin, Carol and Rylie prepared their big buffet so it was ready in time everyone started to recognize their growling stomachs and when Erin saw the mountains of food, she wondered how long they would all eat leftovers as they could easily host a feast for three times as many people with the amount of food they had.

Just like Robert the day before, Hank held a little speech before they started to eat, talking about how the family not only grew by Erin marrying Jay and by Emilia's and Henry's births within the last 365 days, but that of course also Carol, Rylie and Luke were a part of this family now, too, because family wasn't always blood but rather the people in your life who want you in theirs, who accept you for who you are and who would do anything to see you smile. Those were the kind of family vibes Hank and Camille had taught Erin when she lived with them and on this very Christmas day, Hank made sure that everyone around the table felt those family vibes, too.

For Rylie, it was the first time that she felt like being part of a real family, a family that did the word justice, and she only wished her brother could be here to experience those vibes as well. For Carol, it was the first time since her husband's death that she could enjoy Christmas and felt like belonging somewhere. And for everyone else, it was a special Christmas as well. Justin's and Olive's first Christmas as parents of two. Hank's first Christmas as a grandfather of three. Robert's first Christmas with his family in forever. Erin's and Jay's first Christmas with their little sunshine.

365 days ago, a much smaller group had sat around Hank's table on Christmas day, with Erin being 35 weeks pregnant and Olive only being a couple of weeks into her second pregnancy. And as Jay let his eyes wander around all the people who sat on their table and then gazed at Erin, who laughed heartily for some reason, her dimples showing off perfectly, as he asked himself once more how he ever got to be so blessed to call this beautiful woman his wife, as he then zoned out with his eyes still on her and didn't hear the words that were exchanged anymore because his mind was at another place, traveling 365 days forward from now and wondering how their table would look like then.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Even with everything around them being pitch-black, there was something magical and magnificent about the cabin, this charming, snow-covered, peaceful place surrounded by trees, open spaces and the frozen lake, this place that has become their second home, the place they would love to spend even more time at, if only it wasn't a six-hours-drive away from Chicago, if only their schedules would give them more time for such adventures.

It was almost 1.30am when Erin and Jay parked the car in front of the cabin and set feet on the snowy ground after what had been a surprisingly quiet, stressless roadtrip. Other than the narrow road up to the cabin, the roads had been cleared from the snow and with driving into the night, they'd avoided any kind of traffic jams. Emilia, dressed in her pajama and covered by her blanket, had fallen asleep not even an hour out of Chicago and has been in dreamland since and Luke, dressed in his pajama as well, had lost the battle against tiredness after around two hours of driving while trying to count cars and trucks.

Now it was their biggest challenge to get the two sleeping kids from the car to their rooms without waking them up, so these two troublemakers couldn't turn night into day and ensure that Erin and Jay wouldn't get any sleep to start off their vacation. They first let Crispin out of the trunk so he could stretch his legs and then went inside the cabin to make a fire in the living room and turn on the heaters in any other room. They unloaded the car and brought food, bags and toys inside and once the car was all empty, except two sleeping kids in their car seats, Erin picked up Emilia, carefully wrapping the blanket around her, and Jay picked up Luke, covering him with a blanket as well. This night provided them another pleasant surprise as neither Emmy nor Luke woke up and so they could tuck them in in their rooms, Crispin sleeping in Emmy's room as always, and then literally fell into their cozy, big bed completely beat to catch at least four to five hours of sleep before Emilia would end her night around seven.

Days in Wisconsin always seemed to pass even faster than days in Chicago, the Halstead-family having a blast making them feel like the days weren't long enough. The day right after their late-night arrival, it didn't stop snowing and Jay and Erin were already afraid to experience a deja-vu by ending up snowed in once more. Staring out of the windows, they could see the amount of snow growing by the hour and no matter that weather didn't show mercy, they went outside and tried to build snowmen and make snow-angels or were chasing snowflakes with their mouths. Beanies and quite frankly everything they wore were completely covered in snow after the shortest amount of time, their noses and cheeks red but their eyes sparkling and smiles plastered on their faces when they went back inside the cabin. They settled on the rug in front of the fireplace to warm up, various toys spread around them as they had time like never before to play with Luke and Emilia, steaming mugs with hot chocolate and marshmallows placed on the coffee table close by, hearty laughters and children's babbling filling the air.

The second day started with building a huge fort in the living room and when it finally stopped to snow and even the tiniest bit of blue sky broke through, they went back outside, Jay pulling two sleighs through the snow while Erin tried to snap every moment of their snowy adventure. Crispin loved to romp through the inches of white powder, Luke had a blast with letting himself fall into the fresh snow, knowing that it was soft and wouldn't hurt, and Emilia tried over and over to walk through the snow all by herself but was falling countless times because she couldn't possibly walk through those inches of snow with her short legs. Both Erin and Jay gave her kudos for not giving up anyway, the determination of their daughter shining through once again. Since it was dark outside as early, they went for a walk along the lake before dinner, Jay carrying a torch in his hand that showed them the way as they were all wearing their thickest clothes and Jay shared some stories how he'd done this with his grandfather when he was a child.

On Friday, Jay tried ice-fishing but had to accept that he probably wasn't the greatest ice-fisher around the globe when he called it a day after not fishing anything in two hours, explaining to Erin that he was sure that all the fish were complotting against him today. He was warming up over a bowl of soup and soon enough the whole family was back outside to build more snowmen, to try to build an igloo, which stayed with a pathetic try, to have more snowball fights and to go for more walks with Emmy tucked in on her sleigh and Luke riding his new bobsleigh.

But the biggest benefit of them spending so much time outside in the cold was definitely that both, Luke and Emmy were completely tuckered out in the evening, the both of them almost falling asleep during dinner, which meant Erin and Jay could have some hours of undisturbed togetherness. Hours they spent with snuggling in front of the fireplace, simply watching the flames and listening to the sounds of the fire as they found everything they needed in each other's arms. Hours they spent in the big bathtub in the bathroom upstairs, relaxing in the hot water that smelled of lavender, fingers lazily traveling over each other's naked skin before taking a bath ended in something else. Hours they spent with making love in their canopy bed. Hours that made them realize how little time, that was not bullpen-time, they had with each other in Chicago. Hours that made them wonder how they should go back to their daily routine when this routine was so much more beautiful, so much more desirable.

On Saturday afternoon, they visited their old neighbor Bill and his wife, those two lovely people that Jay has known his whole life and that were taking care of the cabin's garden when Jay and Erin were not around to do it themselves. The farm was the perfect playground for Luke and Emilia and not only could they stroke cats and rabits and feed the chicken, Bill even saddled them his grandkids's pony, so they could go for a ride around the farm, Jay taking the rope to lead the pony and Erin holding Emmy and making sure their little cowgirl was feeling comfortable, or walking besides Luke who didn't need Erin holding him. They stayed over for an extraordinary homemade dinner inlcuding pie with ice cream for dessert, and Erin was sure that after all these days of feasting and eating way too much, the buttons on her work-jeans would probably be brought to their limits next week. But then again, somewhen in the new year, Cruz's zumba class would resume and she would go back to hit the gym once a week and go for a run through the neighborhood on her free day, so she didn't actually care about calories or anything else and just enjoyed this delicious food without giving it a second thought.

New Years Eve followed their dinner with Bill and his wife, and in the evening, Jay made a big bonfire outside and they sat on the benches around the fire in their winter gear, each of them having one kid in their lap, and grilled sausages and made campfire twist bread and drank hot chocolate with melted marshmallows. They danced around the fire with Disney songs playing from Jay's phone and since Luke and Emmy would long be asleep by the time the year changed from 2017 to 2018, they enlightened some big sparklers just for them, which was their kind of firework out here in the wilderness of Wisconsin, without any noises that would scare the wildlife or Emilia, but still as fascinating and beautiful, especially for their littlest.

After tucking them in, they settled in front of the fireplace to spend the hours that were left until midnight with playing board games while drinking beer and eating the rest of the Christmas cookies they'd brought all the way from Chicago. They played two rounds of Scrabble, the actual game, not their version of it, two rounds of Parcheesi and countless rounds of Sequence and shortly after eleven, Erin's phone buzzed. She furrowed a brow when she unlocked her phone and read the message of Hank wishing them a happy new year.

″What's wrong?″ Jay asked as he tried to study her confused gaze.

″Nothing...it's just...Hank wishes us a happy new year,″ she said.

Jay looked at the watch around his wrist, his facial expression now resembling Erin's. ″It's not midnight yet,″ he noticed. ″And Chicago is the same time zone.″

″I know,″ she nodded. ″For a minute I thought we missed it over playing one game after the other but we didn't.″

″Can I see?″ Jay asked and reached for her phone.

″What, you looking for signs whether he's drunk?″ Erin laughed when she handed him the phone. ″The text is fine.″

″Yeah, seems like,″ Jay agreed. ″Maybe he's confused?″

″I honestly don't know. I mean, it's Chicago. You would definitely realize when it's midnight,″ she mentioned. ″And when it's not.″

Her phone buzzed again and a grin spread over Jay's face. ″Well, he's not in Chicago,″ he smirked and handed her her phone back.

″Where else should he be?″ she asked and grabbed it.

″I don't know, looks like New York to me,″ he grinned and when her eyes fell on the photo she seriously couldn't believe her eyes.

″What the hell?!″ she whispered and couldn't take her eyes away from the photo of Hank, Liv and Noah looking like some kind of family.

″I didn't know they were still a thing,″ Jay said casually.

″Me neither,″ she answered in disbelief. ″She wasn't at his birthday and he hasn't mentioned her in forever and whenever I skyped with Liv she didn't say a word about him. And I didn't want to dig because it didn't feel right. I thought whatever it had been between them was over for a reason we might never know.″

″Looks like they reconciled,″ Jay winked.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″They've been dancing around it for almost two years now. Seriously, they are worse than we were,″ she added with a raspy chuckle.

″Way worse,″ Jay laughed.

″I can't believe it,″ Erin shook her head slightly, her eyes falling on the photo again.

″You'll come around it, babe. And now,″ he said and took the phone from her hand to throw it one the couch, ″let's resume our game because I'm about to beat you.″

″Over my dead body,″ Erin smirked sweetly and just like this, they were back continuing their board-game-battle.

It was twenty minutes before midnight when they finished another game and still had no overall-winner because they've both won the same amount of games tonight but instead of going for another round to declare the king or queen of board games, Jay got up and said: ″I have a surprise for you.″

Somehow, these words reminded her of this very day 365 days ago, when shortly before midnight he'd also told her that he had a surprise for her. ″You going to propose to me again?″ she grinned and reached for his hand so he could pull her up.

″Since you already said yes exactly one year ago there's no reason to do that again,″ he winked and wrapped his arms around her back so he could pull her closer, the fire shining in their eyes as they both remembered this magic moment when he'd bent down on his knee in the snow and pulled out the ring to ask her to become his wife by chosing words that she would remember forever, that still had the capability of making her all emotional.

″So if I had said no, I would get a proposal every year?″ she joked.

″You want another proposal?″ Jay asked seriously and bent down on his knee before she could answer anything, his action leaving her speechless anyway. ″Er, I love you. And it's not because you make me happy and not because you make me feel special and also not because you're the sweetest person ever," he chuckled. "It's because I just love you. And I don't need any reasons for that," he smirked with his famous heart-eyes. "You are the one person that makes me smile and laugh like no one else can. The one person that makes me feel like an idiot because I'm that much in love with you and nothing's ever gonna change my love for you. You are more than I could ever have dreamed of and you've given me more than I ever dared to dreamed of. You made me a father and a husband and a different person. You are my other half. And you will forever be the person I would do anything for, even proposing to you again although I'm already allowed to call you my wife. So Erin Halstead, would you marry me again if you could?″

The tears that were looming in her eyes fell down her cheeks as she was sure she was falling for him even more, as she wondered how falling for him was even possible. But in this moment she realized that love was something that could never stop growing, no matter how full your heart already was, especially when your husband was Jay Halstead, a man who had a way with words and could make her all emotional with his actions that showed her how madly in love he was with her.

″Yes, I would marry you a thousand times if I could,″ Erin nodded, an unbelievable smile forming on her face and he got up again to kiss her for what seemed like forever but was still not long enough. ″I love you,″ she whispered against his mouth.

″I love you more,″ he breathed against her lips and kissed them again. ″Come on now, that actually was just improvising and not the surprise I talked about,″ he winked.

″You're pretty damn good at improvising,″ she chuckled.

″I know,″ he nodded with a cocky wink.

They slipped into their winter boots and jackets and put beanies on so they would stay warm and Jay told Erin to wait outside while he still had to get something. Erin did as ordered and by the time Jay joined her down by the frozen lake, the moonlight reflecting on the ice and the sky full of stars, it was five minutes before midnight.

Jay put some box on the ground and wrapped his arms around his wife from behind. ″2017 was amazing to us and I don't think 2018 can possibly be better.″

″Hey, don't jinx it,″ Erin laughed.

″Trying not to,″ he laughed as well. ″But seriously Erin, in between Emmy and marrying you I don't know how anything can ever top that.″

Erin turned around to him to look him in the eyes as she answered. ″Let's just see what happens in 2018,″ she smirked meaningfully.

″Yeah,″ he smiled back, totally reading her gaze, and then bent down to reach for the box.

″What's that?″ Erin asked.

″Those are sky lanterns,″ he said and handed her one. He enlightened the fire in hers and then also in his own. ″This is to an amazing 2017. And whatever 2018 may bring.″

″Whatever 2018 may bring,″ she echoed.

They let go of the lanterns in the same moment and watched them rise in the dark sky and towards the stars, being all snuggled up in each other's arms, a beautiful, peaceful, perfect moment just when the clock turned from 11.59pm to midnight, when the month turned from December to January, when the year turned from 2017 to 2018, 365 days of a new year ahead of them.

″Happy New Year,″ Jay whispered and turned his eyes away from the sky lanterns to Erin.

″Happy New Year,″ she whispered back before their lips met in their first kiss of 2018...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) So I guess next is someone's first birthday coming up, eh? ;)**


	83. Love You Forever

**Thanks for the feedback on my last chapter, I hope you'll like this one as well ;)**

* * *

 **83\. Love You Forever**

 _~ It's amazing how much such a little person changes in just one year, how much she changes you, how she can turn the whole world around and give your life a whole new meaning ~_

The first month of the new year passed by as quickly as all the months of the old year had passed by, winter at its peak with snow covering the city for the better part of January and some insane cold wave with temperatures way below zero turning the city in one gigantic freezer, the criminals returning from their Christmas break in full force and committing crimes the required Intelligence on scene no matter that they all already got severe frostbite only from looking at the temperature indicator. Next to work and catching all the bad guys, it was Erin's and Jay's main task to plan Emilia's first birthday that they wanted to celebrate with all the important people in Emmy's life on the weekend after the Thursday their little girl, who was a confident walker by now, turned one. So whenever they had a spare minute they talked about cakes, decorations, presents and any other stuff they needed to make this day special and it was only a couple of days before the big day that they had it all planned out.

″Can you believe this is the last evening we can refer to her as an almost one-year-old?″ Jay asked on the evening of 31 January as they watched their daughter play in her room from the doorframe, giving her a couple more minutes before reading her a story and tucking her in one last time before she would officially be a year old.

″No,″ Erin answered with a sigh. ″Can you believe it's been exactly 365 days since we walked up and down the staircase of the hospital to get my water to break? That it's been 365 days since I almost broke your fingers every time I had a contraction?″

″No,″ he laughed, bringing his hand up in front of his face as if he wanted to check his fingers for any damage. ″Still feels like yesterday.″

″Yeah, sure,″ Erin chuckled and gave him a soft nudge.

″Broken fingers would be a walk in the park compared to what you had to go through to bring this nugget into the world,″ he said, turning his gaze from Emmy to her and when her eyes met his she found an amount of adoration in his eyes that almost overwhelmed her.

″Yeah, I guess one could say this was a piece of work,″ Erin chuckled. ″God, she was so small and fragile.″

″She was,″ Jay agreed. ″And look at her now,″ he said, a whole lot of pride in his voice as their eyes fell on Emmy again, who looked at them in this moment as if she knew her parents were talking about her.

″Yes Emmy, we're talking about you,″ Erin said and they joined her on the floor, her hand stroking over her daughter's soft hair. Even after having Emmy in their life for almost 365 days she still couldn't believe that this adorable, perfect, beautiful little girl with the light blue eyes and brown-blonde hair was what they'd created in that one night on the couch, that they'd been able to create such a miracle. Their unplanned surprise. Their child of love.

″But even almost one-year-olds get tired, right princess?″ Jay grinned when Emmy yawned, her husband talking interrupting Erin's thoughts that had the potential to make her all emotional.

He picked her up and Erin grabbed one of her favorite books from the shelf before they left the room to settle in their bedroom, where they had enough space to cuddle while reading bedtime stories. With Emmy comfortably resting in Jay's arm, Erin started to read the book. _Love You Forever_ , a story that somehow fitted perfectly with their baby only hours away from turning one.

Halfway through the book, Jay settled an already very sleepy Emmy on Erin's chest and stomach so he could read the rest of the story while Emmy would completely fall to sleep while Erin stroked her back and head. And by the time they reached the last page, Emilia was out like a light but it didn't hold them back from reading the last few lines together before they both leaned down to kiss their daughter's head.

″I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin woke up early on the 1st of February 2018, long before her or Jay's alarms would go off and when she adjusted her eyes to the darkness of the bedroom on this winter morning, she quickly figured that she wasn't the only one being awake as early. Jay was leaning against his pillows, his face illuminated by the screen of his phone, her man probably fighting against this _oh-my-god-our-baby-is-one-insomnia_ as well.

″What are you doing?″ she murmured against her pillow and he instantly turned his head to her by the sound of her raspy, sleepy voice.

″Did I wake you?″ he asked back. ″I'm sorry,″ he sighed and changed his position so he could kiss her hair.

″You didn't,″ she smiled tiredly. ″I couldn't really sleep anymore.″

″Yeah, me too,″ he admitted. ″So I grabbed my phone, played some game and scrolled through Facebook.″

″You never use your Facebook,″ Erin laughed. In this regard, they were both exactly the same: they rarely ever used their Facebook-accounts, neither to scroll through their timelines and see what all the people they were befriended with on the social media platform were doing, nor to post anything.

″I was bored, okay?″ he defended himself with a lazy grin. ″Look which memory was brought up instantly.″

He handed her his phone and her eyes fell on the memory from one year ago today. A super sweet photo of newborn Emilia with her Eeyore, that was almost as big as she was, captioned with the words: _Your first breath took ours away. Emilia Camille, 1 February 2017, 1.21am. 6lbs 12 oz and 20 inches of perfection._

″This must be the only thing you posted in 2017,″ Erin chuckled, not being able to turn her eyes away from her tiny baby dressed in those adorable newborn clothes that seemed to be too big. She remembered how he'd posted it in the evening while she'd nursed her newborn daughter and he'd filled his stomach with pizza and pasta, when they'd been back home from the hospital not even 24 hours after Emmy had made them a family of three.

″Nope, there was one more,″ he grinned and took his phone back to show her his post from their wedding day, a photo the photographer had taken as they stood in front of the lake and the registrar, holding each other's hands while exchanging their vows, a simple caption accompanying his post: _Mr & Mrs Halstead. _

″Oh yeah, right. That makes two posts more than I had in 2017,″ she laughed slightly, not knowing when was the last time she'd actually updated her profile. As she barely used it there was no need to keep it up to date and she had other things to do than caring about social media, and keeping everyone updated about her personal life was the last thing she had any interest in doing. The people who deserved to know about her private life were in fact those, who were in some way a part of her private life.

″Beat you on that, huh?″ he joked and wrapped her arm around her while the thumb of his other hand swiped over the phone, opening his camera roll with all the photos of Emilia he'd taken within the last year.

″Look at this,″ Erin smiled when she saw the very first picture he'd taken, which was all blurry because his hands had been a shaky mess, a squishy Emilia covered with a towel lying on her mother's chest only a couple of minutes after her birth, Erin herself looking endlessly tired but at the same time happier than ever before as she peered down on her daughter. It was a picture that could make her emotional and melancholic every damn time she was seeing it because it was just so pure and captured all her feelings and emotions.

″She was so small,″ Jay sighed, scrolling through the following pictures of the first few weeks and months. ″You know, I can't decide whether I want her to stay little or whether I want to see her growing into the amazing person I know she'll become.″

″Stay little,″ Erin answered without hesitating.

″Why is it such a big deal for us that she's turning one?″ he asked the question he didn't really have an answer for. It was beyond amazing to see Emilia grow up and to see how she learned new things almost every day, to see how much she'd changed in just one year. But maybe this exact change was what they had trouble with.

″Because this year just flew by in a heartbeat,″ she answered. ″Because she'll be two in a second. A first-grader in a minute. Eighteen in an hour and married in a day. Oh, and in a week, we'll be grandparents,″ she added with a light laugh.

″Over my dead body,″ Jay laughed heartily by his wife's statement and by the way these words had left her lips so dry and casual yet just with the right amount of sarcasm and joke in her voice.

″Good to know we're on the same page about that,″ Erin chuckled and coincidentally, a photo of Luke giving Emmy a kiss on the cheek came up in Jay's camera roll. ″Talking about that...you think we gotta be worried?″ she winked, raising an eyebrow at him.

″Naah,″ he denied. ″Not yet at least. And in case they don't continue to grow up like siblings but like friends, which would give us a reason to be worried, then I will make sure that he keeps 10 feet away from her when the time comes. And any part of him that crosses that line will be removed.″

This time it was Erin who bursted out in laughters by her husband's threat, by the way he'd said the part of removing whatever crossed that line ever so casual like it was the most normal thing, and for a minute, she pictured a teenage Luke getting threatened by Jay during an eye-to-eye conversation if he ever dared to came close to their daughter. Erin's laughters were as contagious that it didn't take Jay long to laugh with her, only now realizing what he'd just said, and it took a while until they calmed down and fell into a comfortable silence, the both of them being breathless for a different reason than why they were usually breathless in their bedroom.

″Our baby is one,″ Erin somewhen whispered into the silence and a smile formed on her lips by these words. Yes, she was sad, but she was also happy. Yes she was scared, but she was also excited. Yes, she wanted her baby to stay her baby but in that moment she realized that Emmy would always be their baby, just at some point in the near future not looking like one anymore.

″Our baby is one,″ Jay echoed and pressed a kiss against her head, remembering their bedtime story from last night. ″And she'll always be our baby.″ For the millionth time this beautiful connection they had showed off and Erin was sure whether intentionally or not, this man could read her mind or hear her thoughts or was in any strange other way able to know exactly what was going on inside of her.

″She will,″ she grinned at him and by now, not only she seemed to be fine with Emmy being one, but him as well. ″How about we try to catch some more sleep before our birthday girl wakes up?″

″Yeah, I'd like that.″

Erin nestled closer into his embrace as his hold tightened, her head resting on his chest, the beating of his heart under her ear lulling her to slumber rather quick and her warm body close to his combined with her steady breathing bringing him back to dreamland as well.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″I heard it's someone's birthday today,″ Jay smiled brightly when he approached the crib together with Erin later that morning, the both of them already dressed for the day, Emmy as almost always greeting them by standing on her feet and she got all excited when she saw her parents which resulted in her falling back on the mattress.

″Is it your birthday today, bug?″ Erin asked when she scooped her one-year-old up into her arms.

″Nooo,″ Emmy answered. For a couple of days, this has been her new favorite word and while she couldn't say yes yet and couldn't figure out the difference between the two anyway, she basically answered every question with no, even when she actually meant yes.

″I think it is,″ Jay laughed. ″You are one year old today.″

″Noo,″ Emilia said once again with a bright smile on her face.

″She's probably in denial just as much as we are,″ Erin chuckled and then kissed Emmy's forehead. ″Happy Birthday sweetheart. Thank you for lighting up our lives every single day.″

She pressed her against her chest for a moment, closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of her hair that smelled of peach and raspberry and then handed her over to Jay.

″Happy Birthday princess Emilia,″ Jay whispered and kissed her head. ″Daddy loves you to the moon and back.″

After sharing more birthday cuddles and enjoying more sweet moments in Emilia's nursery, they went downstairs where Rylie had already set the table, some muffins she'd baked for Emmy yesterday waiting on each plate, one muffin with a candle sitting on the tray of their birthday girl's highchair.

″Finally,″ Rylie smiled when the three of them made an appearance quite late for a weekday, which was a result of not only Erin staying at home today as usual on a Thursday, but also Jay. ″I was already afraid that I have to leave for work without seeing you sweet girl before,″ she said as she joined them and took the toddler from Jay's arm. ″Happy Birthday little sunshine,″ she almost sang and kissed Emilia's head.

″Say thank you Rylie,″ Erin smiled at her daughter.

″Nooo,″ Emilia answered.

″Why do I have the feeling that this word will cause a lot of trouble?″ Jay laughed, shaking his head slightly.

″Because it will,″ Rylie winked, knowing exactly what she was talking about. ″But no matter that you don't want to say thank you I have something for you, young lady.″

She put Emilia down on the floor, grabbed the present that already lay on the table as well and then bent on her knees to give it to her.

″Wow Em, look at that,″ Erin whispered and sat down next to Emmy to help her with the quite big present. They unwrapped it together, Crispin joining them as soon as he heard the rustling of the fancy paper because who knew, maybe someone was opening a package of treats for him, and Jay was busy with taking pictures of Emmy sitting in Erin's lap on the floor, Crispin standing next to them, his nose right by their hands, his ears alert and his tail wagging as he hoped to find something that was for him, something eatable preferably.

″Crisp, I don't think this is for you buddy,″ Erin laughed and pushed his wet nose away gently.

″Nope, definitely not for you, Crispin,″ Jay commented when the fancy paper was unwrapped and towel with a hood in form of a bear and a new set of bathing toys were revealed.

″Oh, that's so cute,″ Erin smiled at the young blonde girl. ″Thank you, Ry, this is very sweet of you.″

″I thought since she loves bathing so much, this is something she can always use,″ Rylie smiled back.

″She will love this towel and those toys, right Emilia?″ Erin said, running her hand through her daughter's hair.

″Noo,″ Emmy babbled, this answer making everyone laugh, but of course their baby girl grabbed for the colorful bathing toys all excited anyway.

″This hurt my feelings, Emmy,″ Rylie laughed. ″But I know you don't mean it like this.″

They settled around the table while Rylie went to wake Luke up and it only took a couple of seconds and their foster-son came running into the room, hiding his hands behind his back and it was obvious that he was excited about Emilia's birthday, almost as much as if it was his own.

″I have a present for you as well, Emmy,″ was the first thing he exclaimed excitedly, placing the present on the tray of the highchair she was sitting in. ″I will help you to open it, okay?″

Rylie, Erin and Jay silently watched as Luke grabbed the present again and unwrapped it only to place the monstertruck on her tray once it wasn't covered by the fancy paper anymore.

″Here you go,″ Luke smiled proudly. ″Happy Birthday.″

″Thank you, Luke,″ Jay answered for his daughter, his voice slightly touched by the sweet bond Luke and Emilia obviously had. ″But isn't this your favorite?″ he asked, pointing at the monstertruck that Emmy was already reaching for.

″It is,″ Luke confirmed. ″But Emmy likes it as well. So it's hers now. She can have it,″ he said lightly, this adorable statement and gesture bringing tears to Rylie's and Erin's eyes.

″You are the sweetest kid, Lukey,″ Jay smiled, running his hand through Luke's hair.

″I know,″ Luke answered casually, making them all laugh heartily.

Before starting their breakfast, they all together sang happy birthday and then Erin and Jay enlightened the candle on the muffin only to help their daughter to blow it out afterwards, telling her to make a wish but the only response they got was a very confused glance as Emmy stared at her parents with those blue orbs as if they were out of their minds.

Just like any other day, this morning took a stressful turn as well when they realized that both Rylie and Luke were running a little late for work and preschool due to the birthday celebrations and so while Jay drove Rylie to Med to make sure she got there in time, Erin made Luke ready for preschool and drove him there, Emmy still wearing her pajamas because there hadn't been the time to change her as well. Their beautiful chaos didn't take a break only because it was a special day for them today and it didn't bother Erin at all. This life, sometimes chaotic in a beautiful way and sometimes in a not-so-beautiful way, has been their life for the past year and neither Erin nor Jay wanted to change it for anything because it was wonderful like this, even on the days it wasn't.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin and Jay spent the morning at home, helping Emilia to unwrap more of her presents and play with her for a little while before they finally changed her clothes into jeans, an adorable new hoodie, winter boots, scarf, jacket and beanie so they could leave the house and pay their colleagues a visit during their lunch break because regardless that they would all come to Emmy's birthday party on Saturday, they of course wanted to see Emmy on her actual birthday as well.

Erin was holding Crispin's leash and Jay was holding Emilia's hands from above as they walked up the stairs to the 21st district because no matter that she was a confident walker now, she couldn't take the steps all by herself yet. Coming through the huge double doors, he let go of her hands so she could walk towards Platt's front desk or wherever else she wanted to go.

″Well hello young lady,″ Platt welcomed them, her eyes falling on the toddler. ″Who allowed you to grow up like this?″

″We certainly didn't,″ Erin laughed.

″Look at her,″ Platt sighed, not being able to take her eyes away from the little girl. ″I remember how you walked in here with her a year ago, when she was only a couple of hours old.″ Erin only had look their desk sergeant in the eyes to see that she was getting all emotional about this memory. ″She looks so much like you, Erin.″

″Yeah, I guess by now I have to accept that you were all right when you said that from the very beginning,″ Erin winked.

″She's you with blue eyes. And her smile is Jay's but with your dimples,″ she assessed.

″Pretty much, yaah,″ Erin grinned. ″And it's not only her looks, it's her personality as well.″

″This will be fun then, huh?″ Platt raised an eyebrow at the young detective and her eyes weren't strict but rather warm and kind, with a rare smile forming in the corners of her mouth. She's known her for so many years, had been there all those years back when patrol had brought her in for the first time, had witnessed Hank bailing her out several times, had then seen her change once she lived with the Voights though the feisty and hotheaded teenager still broke through sometimes, had helped her with her homework and had then helped Hank to pull some strings to get her into the academy. And seeing her standing there now, being one of the best cops she's worked with throughout her career and being a loving mother, looking happier than ever, still made her all emotional. One could easily say Trudy Platt had seen her at her worst. Several times. But she's also seen her at her best. Countless times.

″There's still hope that at least a little bit of Jay's personality is hidden somewhere,″ Erin laughed.

″And you think Chuckles's personality would be that much better?″ Platt raised her eyebrow at him and when she saw the wry look he was gazing back at her with, a smile broke through. He was cute. A great cop. An even greater person. And perfect for Erin. She truly liked him. But sometimes it was just simply so much fun to mess with him because she knew he could take it.

″Thanks Sarge, aren't you lovely again today?″ Jay answered with a cocky wink. ″Come on Em, say hi to your _auntie Trudy,″_ He threw her a sweet and innocent smirk before he picked Emmy up and sat her down on the front desk.

″You are truly blessed with your parents, little girl,″ Platt said seriously, quietly, but still loud enough for Erin and Jay to hear it. ″And one year ago you were so small. Yes, so so small,″ she smiled at their girl and tickled her stomach. ″Let's open that jacket, it's warm in here, right?″

″That's better, isn't it?″ she asked and scooped her into her arms. ″So, you wanna be my little helper and give me a hand with filling out some forms?″ She handed Emmy her pen and of course Emmy took it instantly. ″I take this as a yes,″ Platt smiled and took Emilia back to her desk where she settled with her on her chair.

″Well, that's that, huh?″ Erin chuckled slightly to Jay.

″She even has Platt wrapped around her finger,″ he whispered. ″Which shouldn't surprise me because you have Platt wrapped around your finger as well.″

″I don't...″ she started but then reconsidered her words by the glance he was giving her. ″Well okay, maybe,″ she smirked. ″It was hard work.″

″Yeah, I bet,″ Jay laughed. ″Let's go upstairs,″ he said and intertwined his hand with hers.

″Uhm Sarge, can you bring her upstairs in a couple of minutes, so all her uncles can see her as well?″ Erin asked.

″Uh-huh, I'll bring her once we're finished with writing this report,″ Platt answered seriously.

″Great,″ Erin laughed and when they were almost by the stairs, she turned around again and asked: ″Do you come to Emmy's party on Saturday?″

″The winterONEderland party with cupcakes?″ she asked back rhetorically. ″I wouldn't want to miss that.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Lots of kisses on the cheek and forehead from all her uncles, that all adored Emilia, and then falling asleep in her grandpa's arms because it was nap time was followed by a trip to the cemetery as it wasn't only Emmy's birthday today but also the birthday of Jay's mom. They parked the car not directly by the cemetery but some blocks away so they could stroll there, Emilia tucked in in her stroller and still napping, Crispin as always having fun in the snow. By the time they reached Diane Halstead's grave after their extensive walk, Emmy was awake again, exploring this unknown territory on her own feet because sitting in her stroller or carrying her had almost ended in screaming the cemetery down. And while Jay placed some winter flowers in front of the stone, enlightened a candle and remembered his mother, it was Erin's task to make sure Emmy wasn't going too far.

″I wish you could see this right now,″ Jay smiled sadly, his eyes following Erin how she ran after Emilia to bring her back. ″And who knows, maybe you do, right?″ he asked and looked towards the blue sky, blinking against the winter sun. ″But it still hurts that you can't be here to share all these precious moments with us.″ He heard Emilia's giggling coming closer and turning his head, he saw her walking into his direction with Crispin by her side and Erin behind her.

″This kid is such a sunshine,″ Jay smiled, adding with a heavy heart: ″I wish you could meet her mom, if only for a minute.″

″Dada,″ Emmy exclaimed as she came closer, just as if she was able to sense his sadness and wanted to cheer him up.

″Hey princess.″ He opened his arms so she could walk right into them and then kissed her head once she was with him. ″Can you say hi to your grandma? She's your birthday twin and she would love to celebrate with you today,″ he whispered into her ear. ″Say hi grandma.″

Emilia looked at him as if she soaked every word in and instead of saying her new favorite word, she said: ″Hi.″

″There you go,″ Erin smiled and bent down on her knees next to them. ″Good job, Emmy. I'm sure your grandma is smiling in heaven right now.″ She kissed her daughter's head shortly and then looked at Jay, saw his blue orbs sparkling suspiciously.

Placing her hand on his thigh she asked: ″Are you okay?″

″Yeah, I'm fine,″ he answered and smiled faintly. ″I just miss her. Especially on days like today. She was supposed to grow old and grey and wrinkled and witness her granddaughter's first birthday. And many others. It's just not fair that she never got the chance to meet her. That Emmy never gets the chance to meet her.″

″I know,″ Erin nodded, feeling exactly the same about Camille. ″It's unfair in a way that I can't even find the right words for. This is not how it should be...but Emmy will grow up knowing how much your mom and Camille meant to us and so they will mean something to her although she never met them. It's on us to carry on their legacy and teach Emmy the values our mothers taught us and that they were supposed to teach their granddaughter. And like this, they will forever be a part of her life.″

″They will,″ Jay agreed and they fell into a moment of silence as they both remembered Diane Halstead, a woman Erin only knew from photos and the stories Jay shared occasionally. And when Emmy demanded their parents's attention again because she was getting bored easily, Jay got up and picked her up as well to swirl her through the air and lighten her mood, those joyful squeaks that made him smile brightly making him realize one thing: Emilia being born on his mother's birthday, six days after her actual due date, hadn't been a coincidence. He was sure that their daughter had waited for this exact reason: to make a day, that had been one of the hardest of the year ever since his mother had died, the best day of the year, the happiness drowning the sadness, his heart full instead of aching. It had meant to be that way, a little sunshine coming into his life on a day that was usually dark, so the sadness and grief and anger could be outweighed by bliss and happiness and thankfulness and joy, making the 1st of February a day the whole family had a reason to celebrate again.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

In general, the day of Emmy's first birthday wasn't as spectecular and after their visit to the cemetary, they went grocery shopping to buy everything they needed for the big party on Saturday. In the evening, they cooked stuffed peppers with rice together while Emmy occupied herself with her new toys and then had a nice dinner with Rylie and Luke, the other two temporary member of the Halstead-household. Afterwards, Rylie offered to take care of the dishes so they could give her a bath together, Emilia having a blast with her new toys and making a giant mess in their bathroom, with water and foam spread everywhere. The day ended with Jay reading her from his favorite childhood book, Winnie the Pooh, which has turned into Emmy's favorite book as well within the last year, and her first birthday ended with her falling asleep on her mother's chest while her father read about the bear that loved honey and the donkey that was always sad and the tiger that used his tail to jump.

The much bigger party took place on Saturday afternoon, when everyone had especially cleared their day to make sure they could celebrate the first birthday of Erin's and Jay's little one. Since Emilia's birthday was in winter, they couldn't make a big garden party with kiddie pool and barbeque and so Erin and Jay had organized their daughter's birthday party with a different theme: winterONEderland, their living and dining room decorated with snowflakes, snowmen and fitting balloons, cupcakes and muffins and cakes following that theme as well. Never in a million years they'd pictured them to be the kind of parents that threw a themed birthday party for their one-year-old but here they were.

Their living and dining room was filling with people, with all their team members coming to celebrate the birthday of the girl they loved like their own, with her grandfathers Hank and Robert of course attending the party as well as Kim, Trudy, Sylvie, Carol, Natalie, Will, Owen, Justin, Olive, Daniel and Henry. Emmy was showered with presents, most of them revealing toys, books or stuffed animals. From the Intelligence team, she got a police teddy bear, a little police car and a hoodie and a t-shirt from the Chicago Police Department, especially personalized with the words _Little Halstead_ printed on the back.

Once more Erin was overwhelmed by realizing how many amazing people Emilia had in her life that all loved her and had made celebrating her first birthday their priority today and when she thought that their living room would soon burst, the doorbell rang again, making her wonder who else was paying them a visit when everyone was already here and about to sit down to dig into cupcakes, muffins and cakes. With Emmy on her hip, she swung the door open and couldn't believe her eyes when she saw who was standing in front of the door with yet another big present.

″What?! No way!″ Erin beamed. ″What are you guys doing here?″

″There is no way we would miss the first birthday party of our granddaughter,″ Susan smiled just as bright, her kind and warm brown eyes sparkling joyfully.

″Jay told you about the party, didn't he?″ Erin concluded instantly.

″He did,″ Michael confirmed. ″And we decided to surprise you two with our visit,″ he smiled.

″That's amazing. I don't even know what to say,″ Erin smirked and let Jay's aunt and uncle into the house. ″It's so great to see you again,″ she hugged them.

″We wanted to be here this morning already but our flight was delayed due to the snowfall here and in New York and then we had to wait forever to get our rental car. So we're just glad we made it here,″ Susan explained as she took shoes and jacket off.

″Why didn't Jay pick you up from the airport?″

″Because we told him not to,″ Michael explained with a wink. ″We want to stay in Chicago until Monday morning and then take advantage that we're already here and drive up to our cabin for a couple of days, so we needed the rental car.″

″You stay until Monday and we can't even offer you our guest room...″ Erin sighed.

″Oh Erin, that doesn't matter, we found a great hotel and we don't have to stay here to do something together tomorrow,″ she winked with a smile. ″And now on to the important things: how's is our precious birthday girl doing today?″

″She's too spoiled,″ Erin laughed and handed her to Susan.

″Naaah, she deserves to be spoiled, right Emilia?″ she asked her granddaughter and tickled her stomach. ″And we even brought you something to spoil you a little more.″

″Do you want to open that?″ Michael asked, showing her the big present and of course Emmy reached for it instantly. ″That's a yes.″

″Definitely,″ Erin laughed. ″Come on, let's go in there,″ she added and motioned her head towards the kitchen, dining and living room where all the chatters were coming from.

″Look who the snow brought,″ Jay smirked when his aunt and uncle stepped into the kitchen where he was busy with making coffee for their guests.

″Well, it's rather who the snow almost not brought,″ Michael laughed and then hugged his nephew. ″It's good to see you again, Jay.″

″It's good to see you,″ Jay answered and then hugged his aunt who was still carrying Emmy. ″And you, too.″

″I can't believe you were able to keep this a secret,″ she grinned at her nephew.

″You make this sound like I'm awful at keeping secrets,″ Jay laughed.

″Oh, Jay can be a real master of secrets,″ Erin chimed in, remembering how he'd been able to keep their honeymoon destination a secret for months.

″Yeah, I see,″ Susan smiled.

Lots of hello's were shared and after Michael and Susan had helped Emilia to open her present, they finally all sat down for coffee, tea, hot chocolate and cake accompanied by lots of smalltalk and sharing stories. Since all the kids didn't really like to sit around, they created a giant mess in the living room, and when some little fights over the toys occured, Adam, Mouse, Kevin and Antonio decided to play babysitters and took Luke, Daniel, Owen and Emilia outside to play with them in the snow, Luke and Daniel having a blast with 'tackling' them while the two younger preferred to put snow into buckets or dig into the white powder with their little shovels.

Naturally, Emilia was the center of attention today, though the other kids got their fair shares as well, and so it wasn't surprising that when everyone left after dinner, Emilia fell asleep in her father's arms with her head hidden on his shoulder while they were waving their last guests goodbye, the little girl completely beat by the happenings of the day, all the turmoil and being surrounded with so many doting people.

Michael and Susan stayed for another glass of wine and for sharing more stories to talk about everything that has happened in the Halstead-Taylor family since they'd met the last time in August, which was quite a bit with Nick and Lydia expecting another baby and Paul and Izzie's engagement. When they later waved them goodbye, after agreeing on spending the next day together by going to downtown, it was almost midnight and after they stepped back inside their warm hallway and closed the door, Erin immediately wrapped her arms around her husband and buried her head in his chest.

″First birthday party down,″ she murmured and then lifted her head to smile at him. ″Successfully.″

″Yeah,″ he nodded as his hand traveled up to her cheek. ″Many more to follow.″

″Uh-huh. The next one in 363 days to be precise,″ she chuckled, her laughter coming from the bottom of her heart.

″I guess we need that time to find an equally perfect theme and plan an equally perfect party,″ Jay laughed and then leaned down to kiss her for the next minute. Or two and he figured that even if he kissed her for eternity, it wouldn't be long enough to show her how much he loved her.

"There's something I gotta tell you," he smirked when their lips parted, his eyes gazing down on her with that special sparkle in them.

"What's that?" she wondered.

"I'll love you forever," he smiled, repeating those words from one of their favorite children's book.

"I'll like you for always," she answered, smiling just as amorously as she finished this famous line that they both knew by heart because they've read it to Emilia countless times within the last year.

He leaned down to kiss her lips again and then whispered against them: "And for as long as I'm living, my dream woman you'll be..."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! And sorry for the cheesy ending, haha. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Your reviews make my days and they motivate me to write as much as I can although my life is pretty stressful these days. I'll try to upload again as soon as I can but be prepared, the next couple of chapters might not be as cheesy...let's see ;)**


	84. See You Again

**Thank all of you sweet souls so much for your ongoing support and feedback! Here we go with chapter 84, enjoy! ;)**

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 **84\. See You Again**

When Erin had first learned about traveling to San Francisco, she'd been sure that she wouldn't need any winter attire like beanie, boots, scarf and gloves because she'd somehow assumed that it would be nice and sunny in California, even in February. But when she and Jay walked from the terminal to the rental car office after landing, she was thankful that Teddy had told her that nice, sunny and warm weather in San Francisco in February was a popular misconception and that she'd thanks to this info decided to take her winter jacket with her. Not her Chicago-parka though, but even a beanie and a scarf have found their way in her carry-on bag and as she now felt the fresh wind against her skin, she was more than happy about that.

It was mid February, one day after Valentine's day, and both Erin and Jay had looked forward to this little trip with a whole lot of anticipation. They'd left Chicago early this morning and thanks to the time difference, it was only 9.30am now, they could use the day for some sightseeing before driving to the ranch Teddy worked at tomorrow afternoon. And while they enjoyed some rare time as just the two of them, Robert was staying at their house to take care of Emmy and Luke, Hank helping with entertaining them on the weekend. Since Clara had required a blood relative to take care of Luke while they were gone for four days, the kids couldn't stay with Hank, which was one of the stupidest things Erin's heard in a long time because Hank was her father in every possible way, but thankfully Robert had been ecstatic when they asked him whether he felt up for taking care of these two rascals and even suggested that he could stay at their house so Luke and Emilia didn't have to adjust to a new environment. In addition, Rylie was by now allowed to spend a couple of hours a day with her son without that Erin or Jay had to be there, which meant she could now pick him up from preschool after work or bring him there herself in the morning, though they still had custody and according to Clara, it would stay like this for at least two or three more months, maybe even longer. But things were definitely evolving into the right direction and the chances of Rylie getting her son back looked better with every day that passed.

As soon as the keys of the black SUV were theirs for the following days, they drove to their hotel in downtown San Francisco and as they couldn't check in yet because it was too early, they went for an extensive brunch to fill their growling stomachs and then started their day as typical tourists right away. They took the famous cable car to get to Fisherman's wharf, bought some souvenirs for Emmy and Luke in one of the shops there and watched the seals for a minute, taking a couple of videos they could show at home because animals were always a big hit.

Though it was a windy day, the sky was blue and it was sunny, as sunny that Erin traded her beanie against sunglasses, her hair wildly waving in the wind, her hand warm in Jay's hand anyway. They quickly decided to walk all the way along the beach to the Golden Gate Bridge and once they reached San Francisco's landmark, they took lots of pictures, some goofy, some normal and some that showed how deeply in love they were as they didn't hold back from taking some selfies while they kissed each other. Once their photo session was finished, they of course walked all the way over the bridge just to take more photos on the other side and enjoy the view on downtown.

Jay, who'd of course planned this day perfectly – this was Erin's Christmas present after all – suggested that they could keep on walking to Sausalito, a beautiful little town directly by the bay, and then take the ferry back to San Francisco. Of course it didn't need Erin much convincing to agree to his suggestion and although at some point her feet hurt because this little town wasn't as close as she'd imagined, she soaked these moments in, walking clunged to him, the sun shining on their backs, everything around them refreshingly green, exchanging tenderness with her husband all the way along.

By the time they finally reached Sausalito, their stomachs were all empty again and so they went for a very late lunch or very early dinner in a charming little restaurant that apparently offered the best sea food in town, Jay's eyes sparkling and forming into heart eyes, that he usually only looked at Erin with, when the server brought the lobster they were about to share.

Despite the lobster, that Erin joked was Jay's highlight of the day, the day offered them another highlight later when they were on the boat back to San Francisco, as the sun set behind the Golden Gate Bridge, the sky showing of a real play of colors in yellow, orange, red and purple and once more many photos were taken, some of them immediately sent to their people in Chicago to let them know that they had a great time.

Returning to the harbor of San Francisco, the city started to light up with the sun having set and by the time they finally reached their hotel to check in, it was almost completely dark, their room on the 14th floor providing them a great view over downtown and in the distance, they could still see the enlightened Golden Gate Bridge.

″Oh my God,″ Erin sighed when she saw their giant bed with all the pillows and without taking shoes or jacket off, she let herself fall on it, being completely beat by walking over ten miles today. ″This is heaven.″

″And here I was, thinking we could end the day with a bath in the big bathtub I know this room is equipped with,″ Jay chuckled, shaking his head slightly by the sight of Erin lying on the bed like some starfish.

″You made me walk more than ten miles, this is your fault, babe,″ she teased him because she of course knew exactly what his suggestion of taking a bath together meant. Scrabble deluxe.

″Guilty as charged,″ he laughed and joined her to sit down on the edge of the bed. ″So how about I take a shower and I fill that bathtub with hot water for you, give your shoulders and your back a massage and then we watch some movie while drinking beer? Does that sound more appealing?″

″I honestly hate to say that, but right now, yes,″ Erin admitted, gazing up at him. ″I swear, it's the jetlag,″ she added with a laugh.

″Jetlag?″ Jay laughed. ″You can hardly call these two hours jetlag.″

″Of course I can,″ she pouted with the most adorable and innocent smirk on her lips.

″Okay, then I'll now prepare a bath for my poor jetlagged wife,″ he winked and leaned down to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

″Thank you,″ she smiled sweetly and pecked his lips again.

Jay went to the bathroom and while the bathtub filled with hot water, he took a quick shower and was completely finished by the time the tub was full of water and foam and the bathroom smelling of lavender and seabuckthorn. With a towel wrapped around his waist he went back to the bedroom, letting Erin know that the tub was waiting for her and while she took a very long bath – Jay at some point wondering whether she fell asleep in the warm water – he turned the TV on and made himself comfortable on the bed.

″You didn't forget that massage, did you?″ Erin's voice appeared after a lifetime and he turned his head around so see her leaning in the doorway, her hair wet, only a towel covering her skin, just like a towel was all he was currently wearing.

″Would I ever?″ Jay smirked and got up. ″Come here.″

Erin sat down on the bed, close to the edge so Jay could stand behind her, his hands unwrapping the towel skillfully, the fabric falling into her lap and leaving her exposed skin. He started to knead her uptight shoulders and massage her back all soft but yet with just the right amount of strength.

″This is so good,″ Erin moaned, a sound that found its way right to his groin and didn't make this situation, of her sitting in front of him basically naked while his fingers touched her soft skin, any easier for him.

″So I'm hired?″ he joked.

″Absolutely,″ she laughed. ″Can you please never stop?″

″All good things come to an end, babe,″ he teased her and leaned down to place some gentle kisses along her neck and on the sensitive skin in the crook of her neck. ″But sometimes they are replaced by even better things.″

″Yeah, I guess,″ she breathed out, shivering slightly by his hot breath against her skin, aroused by the low growl and husk in his voice and suddenly she wasn't at all tired anymore as this very well known adrenaline and anticipation rushed through her body.

″Way better things,″ he whispered as he kissed her shoulder blades and encouraged by knowing that he was the one to cause her shivering and her voice being this kind of raspier than usual, his hands traveled to her bare breasts, his fingers playing with her nipples which was enough to make her body jerk.

″Jay please,″ she whimpered and he reluctantly let go of her breasts but only to turn her around and kiss her hardly, mercilessly, so he could continue this foreplay in a different way.

As their lips parted, her eyes were dark with passion, a mirror of his own eyes, and she reached for his towel to unwrap it with one move, revealing his manhood. He pushed her back down on the bed to continue to torture her as long as his own body allowed him to torture her before he finally gave in, giving his and Erin's bodies what they craved for, this special high building up as they picked up the speed and the both of them finding the sweetest of releases simultaneously a little later.

They would find this sweet release a second time that night as panting, moaning and other exclamations filled the air of this charming hotel room in San Francisco once more.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″It's so great to see you again,″ Erin flung her arms around her little brother in the afternoon of the following day, Teddy already waiting for them when they arrived at the ranch that was located one hour outside of San Francisco.

″I missed you big sister,″ Teddy smiled as he hugged her tightly.

″I missed you, too,″ she said.

″I'm so sorry I couldn't come for Christmas and Emilia's birthday,″ he apologized as he ended the embrace. ″Things were just crazy here and it wasn't a good time to leave.″

″Ted, I understand. What you do here is so important and those kids, they need you,″ Erin smiled.

″I know,″ Teddy nodded. ″But since I missed Christmas and my niece's birthday, I decided I don't want to miss my sister's birthday, too, so I hope it's okay that I asked for a couple of days off in April,″ he winked.

″You're coming to Chicago?″ Erin beamed.

″That's the plan, yeah,″ he confirmed.

″That's great,″ Erin hugged him again.

Once they finished their embrace, his gaze fell on Jay, who'd watched this reuion silently, finding joy in the siblings's joy of seeing each other again after six months of only skyping and texting. ″I'm sorry Jay, you must feel like chopped liver,″ he laughed and hugged his brother-in-law.

″Something like that, yeah,″ Jay joked.

″Sorry, partner,″ Teddy grinned.

″Partner?″ Erin frowned.

″Teddy was my partner in crime when I organized this trip,″ Jay winked at his wife. ″I had to make sure that it's okay that we're coming. Find a weekend that suits him best.″

″Sneaky,″ she laughed.

″I prefer brilliant,″ Jay laughed as well.

″Whatever,″ Erin chuckled and rolled her eyes at him. ″So Ted, you wanna give us the grand tour?″

″Absolutely,″ he answered. ″Take your bags and I show you the cabin you stay at and then I'll show you the property.″

They brought their bags to the small but charming cabin with a bedroom, a bathroom, a small kitchen, a table and a fireplace in front of the couch and Teddy told them that this was one of the cabins guests stayed at, when for example family of one of the teens stayed here and they tried to reconcile them. Showing them around, they learned that there was a second cabin like this while there were eight even smaller cabins that only had a bed, a dresser and an oven. No electricity and nothing. These were the cabins where the teens stayed at, most times alone and only occasionally they shared one. The bathrooms the teens could use were located in a bigger cabin that also provided a huge games room that everyone could use anytime as well as a room they used for any kind of classes. The main building was surrounded by a big garden with a greenhouse and it was a huge house with kitchen and common room downstairs and the employee's rooms upstairs. Every room was charming and beautiful and Erin could imagine how troubled or traumatized teens could heal here, learn to breathe again and to deal with their pasts.

But the highlight was without a doubt the peaceful nature this property was surrounded with. Next to a workshop, that was also used for classes and to store any kind of tools or repair any stuff, there was a huge barn with horses, cats and dogs and chicken running around. Looking into one direction, there was a wide open space, where a couple of horses were out in the field and where some part of a field has been turned into a soccer or football field, and looking into the other direction, there were the woods, a quite big lake hidden between the trees, rope swings and boats guaranteeing fun summer days. And just when they thought they'd seen every highlight, Teddy showed them a high rope course that was built between the trees, this course being the key for the teens to gain confidence in theirselves.

Listening to all of Teddy's stories of how they worked with the kids and how they helped them to get their lives back on track after years of either using drugs and years of being abused, both Erin and Jay were beyond impressed, this whole place leaving them speechless. Erin couldn't tell in words how proud she was of her little brother, that he'd made it out of this miserable life and was now a role-model for these young kids that have been through the same, that he could help them getting a life that was worth the word because he's been there and knew exactly what they were going through, what they needed and didn't need to hear. He was the one person on the ranch who could understand them like probably no one else could. And that was the reason why he most times was the first person to break through to them and make a connection with them.

″I signed up for online psychology classes,″ Teddy told them when they were strolling back to the ranch. ″Not because I want to become a shrink but because it surely doesn't hurt to know some facts about the human mind although I can already communicate with those kids on a different level.″

″That's great, Ted,″ Erin smiled at her younger brother and once more there was a whole lot of pride in her smile. ″I'm proud of you, you know that?″

″Maybe,″ he smirked, his cheeks blushing a little.

″Good,″ Erin grinned, giving him a little nudge with her elbow. ″So what's the plan for tonight?″

″Well, I actually have to work but I thought you might want to join me and Mitch making pizza with the kids. And on Friday, we always have our campfire night, so if you're fancy to do that,″ he winked.

″You don't think it's a problem, you know, strangers being here?″ Erin asked.

″No,″ Teddy denied. ″They have been here for a couple of weeks now and they are constantly doing better, so it's even good for them. Our latest addition, Dylan, came here three weeks ago and he was a lot of trouble but now he's slowly getting better. He's the reason I couldn't come for Emmy's birthday. He went through a lot of crap and it was big challenge with him.″

″What happened to him?″ Erin asked carefully, not knowing whether Teddy was allowed to share Dylan's story.

″The usual,″ Teddy shrugged. ″Probably more than just the usual in his case. His dad was in the army and got deployed again when Dylan was 13. He didn't make it back and then his mother died of the broken-heart-syndrom. In the years that followed he became a victim of the system and went through abuse, drugs, prostitution...he had it all.″

″Oh my God,″ Erin whispered, tears brimming in her eyes and her heart breaking for the kid she didn't know.

″He's here now and that's a good thing,″ Teddy said.

″You think he will make it?″ Jay asked.

″Yes, I do,″ Teddy nodded. ″I believe in every kid here. Because not believing in them is the biggest mistake you can make to begin with. They don't believe in anyone and least of all in theirselves, so you gotta do this for them.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Baking pizza in the big kitchen in the evening was a lot of fun although the seven boys that currently lived on the ranch were of course hesistant in the beginning, didn't talk with Erin and Jay and avoided any kind of eye contact. They slowly warmed up over garnishing the pizza with mushrooms, cheese, vegetables, ham and pepperoni, the boys listening to Teddy's conversations with Erin and Jay. While sitting around the table in the dining room and eating their homemade pizza, everyone became a little chattier and when they later sat around the campfire to grill marshmallows, it seemed like the ice was broken and the boys were okay with Erin and Jay being a part of their weekly Friday evening ritual, Jay, Erin and Teddy still sitting around the campfire long after everyone had gone to bed.

On Saturday morning, Teddy took them for a ride through the nature, the work with animals also being a huge part in the teens's therapy, and with Jay afterwards suggesting to try to fish, he gave the siblings some alone-time, so they could talk about everything Teddy probably didn't want to talk about with Jay being there as well. They walked through the woods for two hours as Teddy shared more stories how every time a kid opened up to him, it opened old sores for him but then working with that kid gave him some kind closure. Though he could never completely close that chapter of his past, it all came together piece by piece and by now he was able to see the positive things, to say that this road of his life, every part of this road, has led him exactly where he needed to be.

As Teddy had to work in the afternoon for a couple of hours, Erin and Jay were free to use the high rope course and use the canoe to cross the lake, which they of course both did, especially the high rope course giving them an ultimate adrenaline kick. The day literally passed by before they could blink, their little trip coming to an end rapidly, and in the early evening, Teddy took them out for dinner in a restaurant in the town close by. And while waiting for their food, some platters with all kind of mediterranean delicacies, they used the time to skype with Emilia, who was ready for bedtime and who'd spent the day at an indoor playground with her doting grandfathers, Luke, Rylie and her cousin Danny.

On Sunday, they all got up early because Teddy wanted to show them the Black Diamond Mines Regional Preserve before they had to catch their plane in the evening. They walked along some trails that offered views of Mount Diablo and, since it was a crystal clear day, the Sierra Nevada. Before driving all the way back, they had a picnic in the sun and being surrounded by ever-green trees and green grass, the news of fresh snow in Chicago almost sounded like a nightmare and Erin and Jay wondered whether winter would ever disappear in their hometown this year because this must've been the snowiest winter in the history of snowy winters.

″Thank you for having us here,″ Erin smiled when it was time to say goodbye.

″Thanks for stopping by,″ Teddy winked. ″It was great spending so much time with you guys.″

″It was,″ Erin agreed. ″Now let's just make sure it won't be another six months before we see each other again.″

″Your birthday, I promise,″ Teddy smiled and pulled his sister into a hug. ″Give my niece some extra kisses and cuddles from her uncle Teddy tonight.″

″She better sleeps by the time we're home but I will shower her with kisses and hugs tomorrow,″ she grinned. ″I love you,″ she whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek.

″I love you, too,″ he whispered back and kissed her forehead.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Reality had them back pretty fast after coming back from San Francisco and after working three full days in a row right after returning, without leaving the bullpen before 6pm, Erin insisted on spending her usual Thursday at home no matter that their current case was one that needed to be solved. Because after being away for four days and not spending time with her daughter at all, she'd only been able to spend time with her in the mornings before work and in the evenings before bedtime in the last 3 days and this wasn't the kind of mother she wanted to be, Emilia being kind of cranky confirming her suspicion that her daughter also wasn't too excited to spend as much time with anyone but her parents.

And so Thursday consisted of lots of cuddling, of a long stroll through the neighborhood where Emmy spent more time with walking than with sitting in her stroller - their little girl definitely wasn't a lazy one - and of course with turning their living room into a children's paradise.

″Okay, now we only have to put this piece here and it should work,″ Erin said in the afternoon and completed their marble run by adding the last piece, Emilia sitting in her lap on the floor.

″Let's try whether what we built makes somehow sense,″ she laughed and reached for the box with marbles on the coffee table where Emilia could hopefully not reach it and swallow one of the marbles.

″Here we go.″ To her very surprise, the marble made it all the way through their wooden building and Emmy's eyes tried to follow the little marble in astonishment.

″Oh,″ she exclaimed with a giggle when the marble reached the end of the run.

″Once again?″ Erin asked, took the marble and placed it in Emmy's hand. ″You wanna do it?″ she asked and guided her hand up to the start of the run. ″Now you just need to let go.″

The first time, Erin had to open her fist and show her how to do it but afterwards she knew exactly how it worked, was even able to grab the marble all by herself and bring it right back up so it could go down the run again and it seemed like her giggles got bigger every time the marble made its way down the run.

″That's fun, isn't it?″ Erin smiled, finding joy in her daughter's joy, and kissed her hair.

However, the door bell ringing interrupted their little playdate some moments later and Erin got up from the floor, picking Emmy up as well because there was no way she left her alone with those marbles anywhere near her. With her daughter on her hip she opened the door, wondering whether Jay had ordered anything online, and was more than surprised when she found her brother standing in front of the door, a shadow on his face that she didn't like at all.

″Justin?″ she frowned. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, sure,″ he answered but Erin recognized his faked smile instantly. ″There's uhm...there's something I gotta tell you. Do you have time?″

No later than now, Erin's heart was definitely picking up its pace because she sensed that whatever he needed to tell her wasn't good news. ″Sure,″ she nodded and let him into the house.

While he took his shoes off, she already settled Emmy in the living room, taking all the marbles with her as she and Justin sat down on the dining table.

″What's up?″ she asked, trying to read her brother's gaze. And although she didn't get the answers she was looking for from it, she didn't like what she was seeing. Something has changed, this wasn't the man she knew, the happy man he's been ever since Olive has been in his life.

″I...uhm...I don't even know how to tell you this,″ he stammered, running his hand through his hair nervously.

″Justin, what's going on?″ she asked quietly, her voice almost breaking because out of a sudden she sensed to know why her brother paid her a visit on a weekday to tell her something. Suddenly, _something_ became a very clear, frightening picture and her stomach turned by this thought.

″I...I...,″ he took another breath before dropping the news Erin's known were coming. ″I've been deployed.″

There it was. The confirmation. Spoken out loud, making her world spin and for a moment she had the feeling that she couldn't breathe as her mind processed these news and all the possible consequences that came with it and she decided that she didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that her little brother was going to fight a war on the other side of the world, his life in jeopardy every single minute of every single day.

″When?″ Her voice was defeated and shaking when she spoke for the first time in what felt like a lifetime and she gave her best to keep her tears at bay.

″I have to leave on March 1st,″ Justin answered.

″March 1st?!″ Erin echoed incredulously, her eyes widening. ″That's in one week! They give you a one-week notice for something like that?!″

″Uhm...no,″ he breathed out, adding meekly: ″I got the letter at the end of January.″

″No,″ she shook her head in denial. ″You didn't keep this from me for more than three weeks. You didn't!″

″Erin,″ he sighed. ″I had to process that myself first. I needed three days to tell Olive and almost a week to tell dad.″

″And what made you think that keeping this from me for three bloody weeks is a brilliant idea?!″ she snapped and in this moment, she was just so angry about this whole situation, not even that he only told her now but that he's been deployed at all, that he was some kind of punching bag where she could release all her anger at. ″Telling me a week before you leave: _oh_ _hey, I'm going to war in seven days._ Is that how you do it?!″ Her voice was cracking and she swallowed down her sobs, still didn't allow herself to cry although this was a battle that took her everything not to lose.

″Oh Erin,″ Justin sighed, swallowing down his own emotions and pulling her into a hug. ″I didn't want to tell you before Emmy's birthday because I didn't want to ruin that day for you. And then you talked about this trip and how excited you were and I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. I guess I just waited for the right moment but then I figured that there is no right moment to tell you something like this. I'm sorry.″ He kissed her hair softly and by the time she lifted her head, she felt truly awful for how she'd reacted in the first place.

″No, I'm sorry...for how I just reacted,″ she said quietly, inhaling a deep breath. ″You just wanted to make this right and it wasn't fair to blame you for not telling me earlier. I guess I just...I don't want you to go, Justin.″

″You're not the only one,″ he answered with a weak smile. ″I always knew that this was a possibility but when the letter came...it knocked me out of the skies, Erin. Olive, the kids...″

″How did they take it?″ Erin asked, imagining how she would react if she was in Olive's shoes.

″Henry is too young to understand and we told Danny but we don't think he really knows what it means. And Olive...she was crying for days and we talked about it and by now she's accepted it. At least as much as you can accept something like this. In the end of the day that's what I signed up for.″

″No it's not.″

″It is and we both know it,″ Justin disagreed and placed his hand atop hers.

″How long will you be gone?″ she asked.

″Six months for now and then we'll see,″ he answered.

″So it could be longer?″

″Yes,″ he nodded and her eyes never left hers as he spoke out his next words. ″Erin, Olive will need you. All of you. Please be there for her.″

″I promise. She's not alone.″

″No matter what happens...″ It wasn't a question, a request, it was some kind of statement that made Erin's stomach turn once more because a lot could happen while living in a warzone.

″No matter what happens?″ she asked back, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

″My life will be unpredictable and in case the worst-case happens-″

″Justin,″ Erin interrupted him.

″No Erin, that's how it is. And I just want to make sure that Olive's not alone and that she can always count on you.″

″She can. I promise,″ Erin finally nodded and it took everything to bring herself to to say: ″No matter what happens.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Immediately after Justin had left, she made Emmy ready for a little trip, settled her in her car seat and drove straight to the 21st district, walking into the precinct without her famous smile as Platt greeted her and keying her code in as fast as possible, hoping that her desk sergeant wouldn't catch up on her bad mood and fragile state of mind. She was here for two reasons, Hank and Jay, the latter being the only one who could give her the solace she seeked for right now, but reaching the top of the stairs she figured that awaited solace wouldn't come to her anytime soon as the bullpen was completely empty, even Mouse wasn't anywhere to be seen.

With Emmy in her lap she settled on her desk and looked for a book in the diaper bag, that was her constant companion, so she could keep Emilia entertained by scrolling through it and take her mind off as well. The entertainment worked well, the thing with taking her mind off not as much and she was more than glad when she could hear her colleagues voices after only half an hour of her mind going to places it shouldn't go.

″Hey babe, what are you doing here?″ Jay smiled as soon as his eyes found his two girls but the smile fell from his face as soon as he saw her facial expression. She was pale and her eyes gave away that she'd cried not long ago.

″Uhm...nothing,″ she stammered, not knowing what to tell him. ″Can you take her for a minute?″ she asked and without waiting for his answer, she handed him Emilia and followed Hank into his office, closing the door behind her and when her gaze met her pseudo-father's she knew that he knew what this was about.

″He told you...″ he concluded.

Crossing her arms in front of her chest without even considering to sit down, she snapped: ″About time one week before he leaves, wouldn't you agree?″

″Erin, I know you're sad and angry and frustrated and believe me, I know how you feel. But Justin didn't want to ruin Emmy's birthday or your trip,″ Hank explained all calm.

″You should've told me,″ she said bitterly.

″It wasn't my place to tell you and we both know that,″ he answered matter-of-factly and of course he was right.

″You've known for weeks and I...now I only have one week with him left,″ she said reproachfully, tears glooming in her eyes once more.

″Knowing this for weeks doesn't make it any easier and if I could choose I wouldn't want to know it weeks before...″ he said quietly and by these words, Erin finally sat down in the chair across him.

″I don't want him to go,″ she whispered as he took her hands in his.

″You know, all the time, when I watched Justin grow into the person he is today, into a husband and a father of two, I knew that I'd done the right thing with giving him no choice but the Army. And now I can't help but wonder whether I could've handled it differently because in the end of the day, I sent my own son to war and I'm not sure whether I can forgive myself in case...″ He didn't speak it out loud but Erin knew what he meant anyway. There wasn't a guarantee that Justin would come back and she could understand why Hank was blaming himself for this whole situation.

″But let's not go there. He will come back,″ Hank said when Erin didn't answer anything.

″Physically, yes. Psychologically...this is something you never completely come back from,″ Erin said quietly, knowing how Jay still battled these demons from time to time. ″Jay might be very good at hiding it, but a part of him is still over there and it will always have the ability to wake up the demons.″

″I agree,″ Hank nodded. ″What they see over there...it breaks a person and we can't expect anyone who was there to blank out this chapter of their life. But it's on us to be there for him when he comes back and make sure he isn't at a dark place for too long. This family is strong and we will make it work.″

″We will,″ she agreed with a nod. ″All for one and one for all,″ she said and the tiniest smile formed in the corners of her mouth by these words because it's been a lifetime since she'd said them last, all those years back when she'd lived with the Voights and this had been their family motto.

″That's how we do it,″ Hank said and his attempt to smile stayed with a try. ″Now get out of here and don't forget to take your husband with you. We closed basically just closed our case and you need him more than we do.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin told Jay about Justin's deployment as soon as they were home but literally in the same sentence, she told him that she didn't want to talk about it right now and so the atmosphere was chastened for the rest of the day. Erin went for a run to clear her head and by the time she returned, dinner was almost ready and he told her that they could all eat any minute. She gave him one of those faked smiles that didn't reach her eyes and excused herself to the shower, telling him that they didn't have to wait for her because she wasn't hungry anyway.

Earlier, all she'd wanted was seeking solace in the embrace of the man she loved, the man who could always make her feel better but right now she was just mad at the world and because he didn't deserve to be the victim of her current mood, she kept him at distance and retreated into the bedroom right after her shower, leaving all the tasks of cleaning the kitchen to Rylie and making Emmy ready for the night to him.

It wasn't until very long after he'd tucked Emmy in and taken a shower himself that he approached her and by the way he hesitated in the doorway of their bedroom, she could tell that he wasn't sure how to behave around her and what kind of behavior he could expect from her.

″Hey,″ he said after watching her how she literally abused the iPad with her fingers.

″Hey,″ she answered and for the first time in a while, it felt somehow awkward between them.

″You up for company?″ he asked and only when she nodded her head, he walked through the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, next to where she was resting against some pillows and distracting herself with some game on the iPad.

″Talk to me, Er,″ he pleaded quietly. His hand found its spot on her thigh and by the way his voice had sounded, she could tell that he was afraid that she would reject him by giving him her standard answer that she was fine. When it was crystal clear that she was as far from being fine as the Earth was away from the Moon.

″Huh,″ she shrugged and set the iPad aside, a lump building up in her throat and her voice was nothing more than a whisper when she said: ″I'm afraid I will never see him again.″

Jay was sure the entire neighborhood of Beverly could hear his heart breaking for her in this moment. ″Er, he will come back. We have to believe in that,″ he said emphatically.

″I do believe in that. At least I try to,″ she said, her voice being a little stronger now. ″But what if the person I say goodbye to next week will be a different person than the one I will welcome back in six months?″ she asked and just like this her voice turned into a whisper again. ″I might never see my brother like _this_ again, Jay.″

″I'm not going to lie to you because this wouldn't be fair and we both know better,″ he said and cupped her cheek with his palm. ″Living in a warzone, it changes you. The things you see and do, they do something to you. And not in a good way. Coming back will be an adjustment for him because he will come back as a different person and yeah, some never come back from that. But Erin, there's one important thing that Justin has that I didn't have back then. And that's his family. His wife. His sons. He will skype with them, will see photos of them, will hear their voices and listen to their stories. And that's exactly what he needs to make it through this. A little bubble of light making his days brighter and helping him that the darkness doesn't swallow him. Justin is strong and has a great backup here and all we have to do is believing that everything turns out fine.″

Tears were running down her cheeks as she soaked in his words and in the end, he wrapped her arms around her and she melted into his embrace, let this strong arms hold her tight, let whispered words murmured into her ear calm her down, let the tears run down her cheeks like a river because this was the first time today that she allowed herself to cry and all the anger and everything else she's hold back so far, was coming out now, her tears leaving a wet spot on his shirt.

Jay didn't know how long he's been holding her when the sobs finally seemed to fade, when she lifted her head and looked at him with tear-stained eyes that were greener than ever.

″Thank you,″ she whispered and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″There's nothing you have to thank me for,″ Jay said and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″I'm always there for you, even when you think you don't need me,″ he told her with a little wink.

″I always need you. Sometimes I just need some time to accept that,″ she answered with a small smile. ″I love you, Jay. And I don't know what I would do without you.″

″Be mad at the world for the rest of the week probably?″ he grinned and it was once again scary how well he actually knew her.

″I still need some time to accept that and I don't know how long it will take until I'm not mad, angry and scared anymore,″ she admitted.

″And it's totally fine to feel like this, Er. Just don't bottle this up, okay?″ he asked gently.

″I'll try not to. I promise,″ she answered with a weak smile.

″Good.″ He leaned in and pecked her lips shortly. ″Is there anything else you want to talk about? Any more things I can probably help you deal with?″

″If you know a way how to stop my brain creating worst-case-scenarios, that would be awesome,″ she said, and of course Jay knew which scenarios her brain was currently picturing. But unfortunately there was nothing that could be done about it. That was the thing about the people that stayed behind while a loved one went to the other side of the world to fight a war: their brains traveled to all these dark and ugly places, creating all these scenarios where the person they loved didn't make it back and how everything would change then. His mother and grandfather had gone through the same, his aunt and uncle had gone through the same and their nightmares had come true when Myles had been killed in action.

″I don't,″ he answered honestly.

″Then just hold me for a little while longer, please.″

She didn't have to ask him twice and he lay down next to her to pull her close to his body and kissed her hair soothingly. "I'll hold you for the whole damn night."

The warmth of his body provided comfort and his body seemed to work as a human shield as no nightmare about her brother being in a warzone dared to come close to her that night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The days until Justin's departure flew by and since Olive, Hank and the kids would be the ones to accompany him to the airport, Erin made her farewell on the evening before he left, when she came over for only a quick visit because she didn't want to take away any of the precious time he had left with his wife and sons. They'd all had dinner at Hank's house on Sunday, so there wasn't much to be said anymore anyway, other than those words of farewell, those words that could be the last she would ever tell him.

"I'll come back in one piece, I promise," Justin said.

″You can't promise something like this. And that's exactly what's troubling me,″ Erin told him, tears in her eyes as she looked at the man that had become her little brother all those years ago, that she loved with all her heart.

″I will come back to my wife and my sons and dad and you. I promise, Erin,″ Justin emphatically said once more and pulled her into a hug, Erin's fingers clawing into the fabric of his shirt as she buried her face in his neck.

″Then I don't say good-bye, okay?″ she murmured and lifted her head to look at him, even being able to smile all faint. ″I say see you again.″

Justin nodded his head and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″See you again...″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. The next chapter is almost finished, so if you're lucky you might not have to wait too long for it ;)**


	85. Mood Swings

**Thanks for the reviews, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter :)**

* * *

 **85\. Mood Swings**

March in Chicago was usually the time of the year where last signs of winter and first signs of spring collided and fought against each other and some days winter would win the battle and turn the whole city into winterwonderland once more while sometimes spring beat winter, making some days pleasantly sunny and warm after another long, cold winter. And March 2018 was exactly that, a constant mix between snow and sun, warm and cold, almost like the third month of the year had some split personality and couldn't decide whether it wanted to be a nice or ugly month. For Erin and Jay spring couldn't come soon enough so Emmy's and Luke's backyard adventures in the big sandbox wouldn't end with these two rascals covered in mud and dirt, that usually also found their way into their house, no matter that rain pants and rain jackets covered in sand were taken off before anyone stepped inside the living room. Walking through their living and dining room and kitchen after these two had spent time outside, their socks always found the sand that should actually be outside. It was another thing to add to the long list of things that couldn't be avoided with having a one-year-old and a five-year-old.

It was a Tuesday evening almost three weeks after Justin had left when Jay came back home from work around 9pm and found his wife sleeping on the couch, Crispin lying by her side, his head resting on her stomach, the TV still running. He looked at her for a moment, a smile forming in the corners of his lips, and then decided to let her sleep. Heading to the kitchen he heated up what was left from dinner and while he digged into the chili to satisfy his empty stomach, he heard Crispin jumping down from the couch and seconds later, Erin joined him on the dining table.

″Hey sleepyhead,″ Jay grinned when she sat down next to him.

″Hey workaholic,″ she grinned back and kissed his cheek.

″How was the rest of your day since you left the bullpen?″ he asked, putting another spoonful of Chili into his mouth.

″Insane,″ she answered dryly.

″How's that?″ he raised his eyebrow at her.

″I picked Emmy up from Carol and Luke from preschool and once I was home, I started with dinner. When Rylie came home from Med, she went outside with them and they played in the sandbox for a while. By the time dinner was ready, they were still outside and Emmy threw a tantrum when I wanted to carry her inside because she wanted to stay in the sandbox. Then during dinner, she threw her bowl on the floor because she didn't want to eat and only when I bathed her she seemed to be back being herself and not a little nightmare,″ Erin sighed with a small laughter. ″Tucking her in took forever and once she was finally sleeping, I came back downstairs to clean the mess of sand and food in our entire living and dining room. Seriously, I didn't even have time for Luke. How do parents handle a life with more than one kid on a day like today?″

″I think they just try to survive,″ Jay chuckled.

″Well, good news is, I survived,″ she said and ran her hand through her hair. ″This day just killed me. First chasing this idiot through a dozen alleys this morning and then Emilia throwing two tantrums in fifteen minutes. Welcome to the life as a working mom.″

″Come on babe, it's not this bad every day,″ Jay winked, placing his hand on her thigh supportingly.

″Yeah, thank God it's not or I would quit on either the working part or the mom part,″ she joked.

″Uhm guys,″ Rylie's voice suddenly appeared from the doorframe and their heads spun around as they haven't heard her coming at all.

″Ry,″ Erin said, scanning the young girl who looked like she had something on her chest. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, everything is fine,″ she answered instantly. ″There's just something I need to tell you,″ she added and bit her lip with her teeth.

 _She was fired. She did something stupid. She failed a class._ Those were the first things that rushed through Erin's mind by Rylie's choice of words and for some reason, she assumed the worst, assumed that Rylie would break news to them they didn't want to hear.

″Take a seat,″ Jay said, motioning his head to the empty chair across them.

″Thanks,″ she smiled nervously. ″It's nothing bad, okay? You can breathe.″

″Yeah, we'll see whether I can breathe once you told me what's going on,″ Erin answered dryly and she could tell that Rylie had to give her best to not roll her eyes by this statement.

″Whatever,″ Rylie shrugged instead. ″You guys know that as from April I'm allowed to spend the weekends alone with Luke and probably in May or June I will get custody back, of course only under certain conditions.″

″We know that. Two weeks ago, Clara talked about it with us,″ Jay confirmed.

″Good, that's good,″ Rylie nodded. ″The thing is, now that it seems like it's all working out for me...″ she said and then took a deep breath. ″I can't live here forever. At some point I need to have my own place. For me and Luke. And it turns out that there's a perfect opportunity coming up.″

″What does that mean?″ Erin frowned.

″Kim is moving in with Adam by the end of this month and I could have her apartment. She would even leave me all her furniture and stuff she doesn't need and I will pay her for it in a couple of years. She talked with her landlord and he would be fine with me moving in. I also talked with Clara and she thinks that it's a great idea to have my own place before Luke permanently lives with me,″ she explained with a smile and if she'd expected Erin to flung her arms around her and tell her how proud she was, she was being disappointed now.

Erin's face was almost scarily unimpressed by these plans and Jay only had to look at his wife to figure out that she wasn't a fan of this. At all.

″Okaaaay,″ Erin breathed out. ″Let me ask you a couple of questions about this brilliant plan.″

″Sure,″ Rylie nodded but insecurity started to overshadow her face by Erin's sudden change of attitude.

″Rent.″ She almost threw this word at her. ″Let's talk about rent. How will you pay rent _and_ have enough money for food and everything else you need?″

″I saved the money I've earned since January, so that will cover the living costs for now and the money I make at Med will cover the rent. I will start working weekends and nightshifts because that's part of the job and it gives more money and Goodwin-″

″Hold on,″ Erin said, her voice rising. ″So basically within two minutes you went from being allowed to spend weekends with Luke and eventually getting him back permanently to work weekends and nights,″ she noticed, a whole lot of challenge in her voice as she asked: ″So tell me how does that fit together? Because you sure as hell can't leave your son alone during the night or over the weekend. Been there done that, huh?″

″Erin,″ Jay said with a voice that should signalise her that she was going too far. Whatever was going on with her right now, this was not her usual self.

″Huh, wow,″ she murmured and shook her head slightly. ″I know that I made mistakes, Erin. And you can trust me when I tell you that I'll never make them again. I learned my lessons, mainly thanks to you. So no, I will not leave Luke alone. I thought that's where you guys come in, where you can support me like you promised. The nights and the weekends that I have to work, he can stay with you. He loves you and he adores Emilia and you did so much for him and even with us not living here anymore, you will be an important part of his life. I also talked that through with Clara and she thinks that's a great way to keep everyone involved.″

″I have to agree with Clara. It's a great plan with benefits for all of us,″ Jay threw in, hoping that Erin would agree on that but it seemed like for whatever reason, his wife was on the warpath today.

″It's the stupidest plan I've heard in a long time. And I have to listen to a lot of crap every day,″ Erin snapped.

″You're not being reasonable right now,″ Rylie fired back.

″I'm the one not being reasonable?″ Erin echoed and raised from her chair. ″If you want Luke to grow up being shunted between you and us, be my guest. You're an adult. It's your child. And apparently it's your decision.″ With these words she turned around on her heals and stormed out of the dining room, leaving a perplex Jay and Rylie back.

″What the hell was that?″ Jay murmured out loud what he was thinking and he couldn't believe what just had gone down here. This was more than Erin having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

″I should probably talk to her next week, when she's not having her period,″ Rylie noticed dryly, trying to hide how much Erin's behavior actually hurt her.

″It's not been easy for her since Justin left,″ Jay tried to explain and justify her behavior because this was the only explanation he had. ″Cut her some slack.″

″Jay, we all have our package to carry,″ Rylie noticed. ″I know Justin being deployed is hard for her but come on, you gotta admit that she's been in a terrifying mood lately.″

″Yeah,″ Jay nodded. ″She's edgy.″

″Edgy,″ Rylie echoed. ″She didn't even want to listen to what else I wanted to say,″ she said quietly, her voice breaking.

″Is this about Goodwin?″ he asked.

″You recognized that?″ Rylie asked, her face lighting up.

″Of course I did,″ he grinned. ″I'm not that bad at catching up on such things.″

″Well, then you deserve to hear it firsthand,″ she smiled back at him. ″Next to my highschool classes, I already started on some online college classes from nursing school three weeks ago and those classes are paid by Chicago Med. They gave me a scholarship which means I will continue to work there beyond my internship until I'm a fully trained nurse. I always waited for the right moment to tell Erin but it just never came.″

″Rylie, that's amazing,″ Jay beamed. ″Am I allowed to be proud of you and hug you?″

″I guess,″ Rylie smiled back faintly. She still wasn't used to others being proud of her although by now this was a regular circumstance.

Jay got up from his chair and pulled the blonde girl into a hug. ″I promise I will talk to Erin and we will figure this out.″

″Thank you,″ Rylie answered after the hug and then admitted: ″You know, no fight with my mom ever felt as bad as this one with Erin.″

″Hey, this is not on you, okay?″

″I know. But Erin is the reason I'm here today. She made all of this happen and it just feels wrong to end a day like this.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″I'm such a bitch.″ Those were the words Erin welcomed him with when he joined her in their bedroom where she was pacing up and down in front of their dresser and wardrobe.

″I hate to say that, I really do, but I honstely have to agree with you,″ Jay answered.

″Does she hate me now?″ Erin asked without stoping to pace.

″No,″ Jay denied. ″Hate is such a strong word.″

″I wouldn't blame her,″ she shrugged.

″She's hurt,″ he told her and then approached her to make her stop pacing around like some apathetic zoo animal. ″Erin stop.″ He grabbed her by her shoulders and then pushed her back down on their bed.

″What was going on down there?″ he asked as he knelt down in front of her, his hands finding spots on her knees.

″I don't know,″ she answered and bit her lip.

″Help me to understand...Luke staying in our lives is exactly what we wanted so I don't know how you can find this idea anything but perfect for all of us,″ Jay said all calm, his confusion about her demeanor still written all over his face.

″It is perfect,″ Erin agreed and inhaled a deep breath. ″But maybe I'm not ready to think about Luke not being here every day anymore. Maybe I'm not ready for Rylie not living here anymore. Those two, they are family.″

″I think that's something you should tell Rylie, babe,″ Jay encouraged her.

″I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't want to see my right now,″ she admitted. ″Jeez, I errupted like some volcano in Iceland that hasn't errupted for two hundred years and I don't even know why.″

″Honestly, that's something I'm still looking for an explanation for as well, but if you don't know I doubt I'll ever find one,″ Jay said with a chuckle accompanied by his trademark smirk.

″It's just been a lot lately and I had a bad day with this idiot this morning and Emmy's tantrums and I'm honestly just beat,″she tried to explain herself.

″I know you are,″ he said and got up a little so he could kiss her forehead. ″But the thing with Rylie, that's something you shouldn't postpone to tomorrow.″ He reached for her hand and pulled her up into his arms, kissing her lips softly when she stood in front of him.

″Thank you for loving me even on the days I'm not actually lovable and hate everything, even myself,″ she smiled faintly.

″Hey, that's my job as your husband,″ he winked. ″Loving you when you hate yourself and making sure that this changes again. And you being this kind of nightmare doesn't change my love for you.″

Her heart melted by his words and she thanked him with another kiss before she excused herself to go downstairs and make things right with Rylie. In the kitchen, she grabbed a container of cookie-dough-chocolate-chip icecream from the freezer and two spoons from the cutlery drawer and with her heart pouding in her chest nervously, she knocked on Rylie's door, knowing from hearing the TV that the 21-year-old was still awake.

″Yeah?″

″Rylie, it's me. Can I come in?″ she asked, not wanting to step into her room without permission.

Silence was followed by a weak ″yeah, come in″ and Erin let out a breath she didn't know she's been holding. She pushed the door open and found Rylie sitting on her bed cross-legged and after hesitating for a moment, she decided to sit down on the edge of the bed.

″This your peace offering?″ Rylie asked, motioning her head to the ice-container in Erin's hand.

″No. That's part of my apology,″ Erin answered. ″Rylie, I'm so so sorry. What I said...that wasn't fair in any way. My behavior wasn't fair. It was plain mean and I can't think what came over me. I know I hurt you and believe me, that wasn't my intention. I'm sorry,″ she apologized again and her voice was trembling.

″Erin,″ Rylie sighed. ″What's been going on with you lately? One moment you freak out over nothing and the next moment you're back being the sweet person I idolize so much.″

″If I had an answer to that question, I would do something about it. But I honestly don't know. It's all just a lot these days. Justin lives in a warzone, work is crazy and Emmy is throwing one tantrum after the other. Every little thing that goes wrong brings me close to freaking out and I don't know why. But I promise I will give my best to fight against these mood swings,″ Erin smiled faintly.

″Yeah, that would be awesome,″ Rylie agreed, adding with a small smile: ″Because I want to have my chill Erin back.″

″I'll work on that. As from Thursday, Cruz's zumba class finally resumes, so that might help,″ she shrugged and she really looked forward to burn off energy to hip music again. She's missed spending one day a week with her friends while doing this sport she'd never thought she would love as much. ″You wanna join? Natalie, Kim, Sylvie, Maggie and Sarah will be there as well.″

″Sounds like fun. I'll definitely consider it,″ Rylie grinned. ″And I guess I will need it in case we kill that ice-cream now.″

″Nah,″ Erin chuckled and handed her a spoon so they could dig in before the ice would melt. ″Who's counting calories anyway?″

″If I'd start counting calories I had to stop eating all this sweet stuff I can't live without,″ Rylie laughed. ″So cheers.″

″Cheers,″ Erin grinned and digged in as well.

Other than some _mmmmhhhh's_ they ate the icecream in silence, a conversation that needed to be made still in the air, and eventually, Rylie asked the one question that's been on her mind ever since Erin had stormed out of the room after their fight. ″Do you really think moving out is a stupid idea?″

″No,″ Erin answered instantly and gulped down her icecream so she could explain herself. ″Not at all. I've known that this day would come. That you would move out. That Luke would move out. And it anway took me by surprise. I'm so used to you guys being around, to watch a movie with you in the evenings when Jay's not home, to bake cakes with you and the kids. You and Luke, you're family. And I'm probably just not ready to let this part of my family go.″

″Erin,″ Rylie whispered, her voice emotional, tears forming in her eyes.

″Don't you dare to cry or I'll cry with you,″ Erin chuckled slightly. ″I'm proud of you, Ry. You made it and you're so ready for this new chapter of your life. I guess it's just me who's not.″

″Believe me, I'm a nervous wreck thinking about living on my own and not having you around. These last few months, you not only gave Luke and me a family, you've been there for me when I needed you and other than a role-model, you're like a big sister for me. And I will need your support in the years to come. Just because Luke and I don't live here anymore doesn't mean we're out of your life. You will stay one of the most important persons in our lives. Forever. And when I need advice, you will be the first person I ask. When I'm sad, you'll be the first I come to because it's not like Luke and I move to another city. You now have bear with us,″ she said with a laughter in the end, some single tears streaming not only down her cheeks but Erin's as well.

″There's no one I'd rather bear with,″ Erin winked and wiped her tears away before they both continued to empty the icecream container while Rylie finally told her about the scholarship from Chicago Med, about staying there beyond her internship and about working on the Labor & Delivery floor for the next two weeks, the last few days working there making her consider to specialize into midwifery.

Erin's mood swings from earlier seemed to be forgotten and she was back being the person Rylie cherished as much, the two of them talking almost until midnight before they realized how late it was and that they only had around six hours of sleep left before their merciless alarms would end the night unpleasantly early.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Old blood was surely one of the most disgusting smells in the world and it was on Monday of the last week of March when the Intelligence unit found the bodies of five hispanic women with cut throats during a bust, the lifeless bodies basically swimming in blood that seemed to be about a day old. Not only did those pictures burn into everyone's head, the nauseating, revolting smell invaded their nostrils, making them all swallow hardly as they covered their mouths with their hands, Erin's stomach turning to a point where she was sure she couldn't keep her breakfast down any longer.

″I gotta get out of here,″ she said through gritted teeth, trying to breathe through her mouth and not through her nose, and then turned around on her heels to storm out of the warehouse building to get some fresh air and avoid throwing up in front of her team.

″Uuuh, I guess someone's throwing up,″ Adam grinned dorkily.

″Can you blame her?″ Jay raised his eyebrow at his younger colleague. They were all battling against this sickening feeling in their stomachs, Adam was just trying to be funny anyway, which was something he almost had to give him credit for. ″I go and check on her.″

He found her in front of the building, doubling over and emptying the contents of her stomach into some bushes and of course he was by her side in a heartbeat. Since he couldn't rub soothing circles onto her back due to the vest she was wearing, he placed his hand on her neck and massaged it gently.

″You alright?″ he asked and handed her a tissue once she seemed to be done.

″Not right now but I will be,″ she answered and let him guide her to some rock where she could sit down while he went to the 300 to grab a bottle of water.

″You look like a ghost,″ he noticed when he returned and handed her the bottle.

″Why, thank you. Isn't that what every woman wants to hear?″ she asked and rolled her eyes at him, taking a long gulp of water to swallow the disgusting taste down. ″I just hate the smell of old blood. And there was like a lake of old blood in there.″

″I know. My stomach wasn't happy either. So thanks for giving me a reason to get out of there,″ he chuckled.

″You're welcome,″ she laughed, the color slowly returning to her face and being up for jokes seemed to be a good sign.

″You feeling better?″

″Yeah. I just don't wanna go back in there,″ she grimaced.

″You will totally stay here,″ Jay ordered. ″I will go back in and tell them you're alright.″

″Okay,″ she nodded. ″We happen to have one of these chocolate bars in the car?″

″You serious?″ Jay frowned by her being able to eat something now. And by her new addiction to this new creation of chocolate bars. She'd first discovered them two weeks ago, when they'd been grocery shopping, and by now they were not only constantly to be found in their fridge at home but also in the fridge at work and in the 300.

″Absolutely,″ she smirked sweetly. ″I could really use some sugar right now.″

″The addiction you have to those chocolate bars is probably not healthy but whatever you want,″ he laughed and went to the car to get her the chocolate bar her body currently craved for.

″Thanks, babe,″ she smiled at him and while Jay went back inside to work the case, she stayed sitting on the rock, drinking her water and eating her chocolate bar, her stomach completely settled by the time her team members were ready to roll back to the precinct to put the puzzle pieces of this case together.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their case quickly turned out to be connected to some Columbian heroin ring and so the following days consisted of the Intelligence team working together with Narcotics as close as never before and although there didn't seem to be a whole lot of sympathy for each other, especially because Intelligence had their own way to handle things, they solved the case after four endless days. In favor to help busting the drug ring, Erin even worked on Thursday, the day she usually had off, but she was glad when everything was done in the afternoon so she could still spend some time with her daughter before the zumba class tonight. In return, Hank anyway allowed her to stay home on the following day and Erin of course agreed on that. She needed her day at home, not only to spend time with her daughter but also to do any kind of housewifely stuff.

″God, this Narcotics sergeant was a real bitch,″ Adam said when the young folks returned to the bullpen after their successful bust, everyone settling on their desks to finish up their reports and go home early.

″So a female cop outranking you is automatically a bitch just because she's at a point in her career where you might never be?″ Erin asked, her voice snappishly, and suddenly all eyes were on her. Not because they expected another of their famous, funny verbal fights but because Erin has been a little edgy lately, her mood changing from good to bad and back from bad to good in the split of a second, and they might needed to support their male colleague and calm their female one down.

″What? I didn't say that,″ Adam defended himself. ″But come on, nothing we did was right, she was just yelling at us, was mean in any way and couldn't even say thank you that we helped her team of idiots to close a case they've been dealing with for two years.″

″Doesn't make her a bitch, does it?″ Erin fired back.

″Geeee Erin, yesterday you said yourself that she's quite something. And not in a good way,″ Adam said. ″What's your damn problem now?″

″My problem are men like you, that refer to women that don't act in the way the male world prefers them to, as bitches,″ she snorted and got up from her chair, ready to storm out of here and leave her paper work to the others because she didn't have the nerve to keep this conversation going. ″And you know: you saying something like that makes me wonder whether I'm just one of these bitches for you as well,″ she snapped at him, shooting him a glare that could easily put him six feet under and then left by storming out off the bullpen.

″You know what: right now you might as well are!″ Adam called after her.

″Adam!″ Jay called and once more he was trying to process what had just gone down here.

″No Jay, this is not on me,″ Adam said furiously. ″And honestly, do something about that. Take her out for some fancy dinner or just fuck her, I don't care! Do whatever you need to do because I will sure as hell kill her soon if someone can't already get those mood swings under control.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Before Erin left for the zumba class in the evening, her mood was back to normal and after considering Adam's _advice_ , or however one should call it, Jay approached her while she was changing into her sports gear, the idea of taking her out for some fancy dinner not the worst as it's all been a lot lately and she really seemed to be stressed out to the max. Leaning on the doorframe of their bathroom, he watched her pulling her hair up in a high ponytail and he couldn't hold back the smile on his face when his eyes took her in because regardless that her character resembled the one of a beast these days, she was still the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on.

When Erin turned her head around and saw him staring at her, her cheeks immediately blushed a little. ″Stop staring,″ she grinned.

″You're my wife, I'm allowed to stare,″ Jay smirked.

″Is that so?″ she raised her eyebrows at him as she approached him, her hands tugging on his shirt once she stood in front of him.

″Yup,″ he simply answered and pressed a kiss against her lips. ″By the way, tomorrow night is date night. You and me, some fancy food, a stroll along the lakefront to the planetarium...we haven't done that in way too long, so you in?″ he asked with a wink.

″What kind of question is that even?″ she chuckled raspily. ″Hell yes, I'm in.″

″Good. I wouldn't have accepted a different answer anyway,″ he laughed and melted his lips with hers again.

While Erin and Rylie were at the zumba class, Jay stayed at home to be the doting dad, although his task mainly consisted of tucking both, Emmy and Luke in since it was bedtime already.

″Okay Luke, today it's your turn to choose a book,″ Jay said after finding both of the kids in Luke's room, wearing their pajamas and playing peacefully together.

″Can we read from the pirate book?″ Luke and pirates, this obsession was probably unhealthy and seeing his face lighting up whenever the word pirate came up was the cutest.

″Of course we can,″ he smiled.

″Can we read it in my pirate fort?″

″Sure,″ Jay confirmed. For weeks, half of Luke's room has consisted of a big fort that he of course called the pirate fort and he spent quite some time in there.

″Will you wear a pirate hat and do all the things with your voice?″ Yes, Jay was definitely the king of bedtime stories since he always tried to imitate the voices of the characters differently.

″What? You mean like the parrot?″ Jay asked, imitating the parrots croaking voice.

″Yaaah,″ Luke giggled, a beaming smile on his face.

″Shouldn't be a problem,″ he smiled. ″Where's the book?″

″I think in mommy's room downstairs. She read me a story from it last night.″

″Okay, then you get the book and Emmy and I settle in your fort already. And don't forget the flashlight.″

″Okay,″ he nodded eagerly and ran out of his room.

″Come on Em, let's get into that fort,″ he picked her up and carried her to the fort, this cozy place with all the pillows and blankets on the floor.

He sat down and settled the 14 month-old in his lap, Crispin joining them for bedtime stories as well, the black-and-white dog resting his head on Jay's legs.

″Sorry bug, no story about princesses tonight,″ Jay said and kissed his daughter's hair.

″No no,″ Emmy answered.

″But pirates aren't that bad either, are they?″

Instead of answering this question, Emilia pointed at Crispin and babbled: ″Dog.″ This was the latest addition to her vocabulary. Daaaa had turned into dog, making this the sixth word she could say without a problem next to mama, dada, no, ball and yaah.

″Yes exactly, that's our dog. Crispin,″ Jay smiled proudly. ″You might need a while until you can say that.″

″Dada,″ Emilia said, turning her head to him and this bright smile on her face had the ability to make his heart melt every time. This adorable little girl surely had him wrapped around her finger and there was nothing he could do about it.

″Yes, I'm your daddy,″ he grinned. This little person calling him daddy was definitely one of the best goddamn feelings in the world. ″And your daddy loves you so much.″

With book and flashlight in his hands, Luke returned a minute later. Snuggled into Jay's side, he held the flashlight so Jay could read and for the next thirty minutes both kids were mesmerized by pirate Pete, his parrot and their adventures on the sea. With Emilia sitting in his lap, his hand resting on her tummy, and with his other arm wrapped around Luke, he once more realized that this was the absolute best life and that there was nothing that has ever fulfilled him more than being a father. He only wished he could have moments like this more often because they filled his heart with a joy that no words did justice.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

He was in his mancave, watching some game on his 65-inch flatscreen, a bag of nachos and a bottle of beer on the coffee table in front of him, when Erin returned from her zumba class, as always looking completely beat but also satisfied, some strands of her hair falling into her face, her ponytail a mess and her cheeks flushed.

″You could blow off some steam?″ Jay laughed when she joined him in his mancave and fell on the couch like a bag of potatoes.

″Hell yeah,″ she chuckled. ″Cruz really picked up the speed now that we're all not beginners anymore. You should join some time,″ she joked.

″Zumba? No thank you,″ he laughed. ″I rather keep on lifting weights and do that kind of stuff because I know my wife likes the outcome.″

She turned her head to him and he was sure to see some passion flashing up in her eyes, that roamed his body, knowing exactly what was hidden underneath the shirt. A perfectly toned body that had the ability to make her knees weak whenever it was not covered by fabric.

″Yeah, I guess I like that,″ she answered, her voice low and husky and when he'd expected her to tackle him so they could do on this couch what they'd done almost two years back when Emilia had been conceived, he was being disappointed because she simply got up, telling him: ″I need to take a shower, I smell like...well not nice in general.″

″It's not that bad,″ Jay winked.

″It is,″ she winked back but reaching the doorframe, she turned around to him again, a sweet and ever so innocent smile on her face when she asked: ″Care to join?″

This time it was on him to answer with the words: ″What kind of question is that even?″ He jumped up from the couch in literal lightspeed and after worshipping her body under the shower, while the hot water ran down their backs, he was sure that this had blown off some steam as well because it had been a hell of a ride, one that had them left more breathless and panting than usual, the running water thankfully drowning their voices as much that they didn't have to be scared of Rylie catching up on their evening activities in their bathroom.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Say byebye daddy,″ Erin said on the following morning, holding Emilia's hand as they both stood on the porch to wave Jay goodbye as he left for work. ″And byebye Luke and Rylie.″ On his way to the precinct he dropped Luke off at preschool and Rylie at Med. While in the beginning they'd wanted the young girl to get to Med herself, by bus and train, simply because they wanted her to get more independent, they now had no problem of taking her there in the mornings because Rylie has grown a lot in the last few months since living with them.

″Ba,″ Emilia said, her attempt of saying goodbye being adorable.

″Yeah, almost, Emmy,″ Erin cheered and with holding her hand, they walked back inside to start another housewifely day. While changing Emmy from her pajamas in some normal clothes, she told her about her plans for the day, that consisted of going for a walk with Crispin, changing the sheets in the bedroom, preparing lunch that Rylie, Luke, Emmy and Robert could also eat tonight when she and Jay were out for some fancy dinner, and then going grocery shopping to buy her chocolate bars on that occasion as well.

″You want to stay with mommy while she changes the sheets in the bedroom?″ Erin asked her daughter after returning from a nice morning walk in the sun, clear indications of spring in the air with birds chirping like crazy and some first flowers starting to break through.

″Yaah,″ Emilia smiled.

″That's the answer I wanted to hear,″ Erin grinned and settled Emilia in the bedroom together with some toys that kept her entertained though today was one of the days where she had more fun with cuddling with Crispin than with playing with her toys.

″You two,″ Erin laughed and shook her head slightly. These two were without a doubt the most adorable duo and the bond they shared was beyond special. Erin couldn't think of any dog that would allow a 14 month-old to crawl over him, to lie atop of him, to accidentially putting her fingers in his eyes or mouth without flinching at all. He rather seemed to enjoy all the babbling and squeaking and seemed to encourage her to keep on cuddling him, even if cuddling in Emilia's case wasn't always all soft.

″Can I leave you alone for a second while I bring those sheets to the washing machine?″ she asked, knowing that of course she could and so she went downstairs, making sure to close the baby gate behind her, to put the sheets into the washing machine and sort some more dirty laundry that she could fill the machine with afterwards. Returning back upstairs, it was suspiciously quiet, too quiet, and no noises always meant nothing good, this time proving no difference. She couldn't find Emmy and Crispin in the bedroom but heard some quiet noises from the ensuite bathroom.

″I knew you guys were up to something,″ Erin commented the scenery in front of her eyes as her daughter once more emptied one of the cabinets with Crispin being her partner in crime who approved of this. Towels and washcloths were spread around them, not anywhere near of being neatly folded anymore, and some of her toiletries weren't inside the cabinet anymore either. She pulled her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie to take a snapshot and of course sent it to Jay instantly, captioning it with the words: _Another day in paradise...Oh wait._

″I can't wait for the day you are able to clean up the mess you made on your own, little lady,″ Erin chuckled and bent down on her knees next to her daughter to starting folding the towels and putting them back in the cabinet.

″You know, your dad once told me that I can do some serious damage in a bathroom,″ she said, remembering every single word of their conversation of her moving back to her place and Hank being happy to have his bathroom back like it had been yesterday. It was an evening where the sparks between them had been there more than ever when they'd been on their way back to reconcile what they'd had before.

″So I guess this is some apple and the tree kinda thing,″ she laughed and leaned down to place a kiss on Emmy's head. ″You're just as messy as your mom, aren't you?″

″Yaah,″ Emilia answered, which made Erin laugh heartily.

″Yeah, I figured that,″ she chuckled and kept on folding the towels, making sure that Emmy didn't empty the cabinet again right away. Reaching for the box of tampons and grabbing the few ones that had fallen out of it and were spread across the floor, she suddenly hesitated, a frown occuring on her forehead and her heart skipping a beat as some realization hit her.

″When was even the last time I used you?″ she murmured, bringing one of the tampons up in front of her face, inspecting it was if it could give her the answer she was looking for. Sensing that staring at the thing and waiting for it to start talking wasn't bringing her anywhere, she put it in the box and pulled her phone out of the pockets of her hoodie, scrolling through her calendar with nervous fingers until her eyes found the red X, that showed the days when she'd last had her period.

″Well Emmy,″ she breathed out, looking from her phone to her 14 month-old. ″Looks like mommy is late. As in late late.″ And suddenly, as she spoke out these words, it all made sense: her mood swings, throwing up over old blood, her cravings for the chocolate bars. They all had a reason as it seemed. A reason that had to do with her not needing to use her toiletries in weeks, a reason that made her say: ″I guess we have to make a trip to the pharmacy.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Peeing on that stick that would in a few minutes tell her whether another life changing event was around the corner for them brought up a lot of memories from when she'd done that the last time. Back then, the possibility of being pregnant had freaked her out and she'd been a mess while peeing on the stick and waiting for the result, praying inwardly that her body was just playing some mean trick on her. Back then, she hadn't been ready for a positive test, hadn't thought she could and should be a mother.

This time, in some ways, it was a different story though she still was a mess when she placed the stick on the vanity, leaving the room while waiting for the test to figure out whether there was another little Halstead on the way. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her legs crossed, her foot tapping nervously and while she had the feeling that three minutes have never been as long, she remembered a certain conversation with Jay, all these months back under their Christmas tree.

 _Gazing up at the lights on their Christmas tree, Erin's eyes slowly got tired, her head resting on Jay's chest, as close to his heart as possible being another factor that had the power to lull her to sleep. They'd talked about a lot of things while lying under the tree, the only lights in the room coming from their perfect, first family-christmas-tree but yet, Erin hasn't found the courage to tell Jay about something that's been on her mind for quite some weeks now. And there wouldn't probably come any better moment to share this with him anytime soon than right now because who knew when was the next time that they had simply time to talk, that the atmosphere was as perfect in addition._

″ _There's something I gotta tell you,″ she said out loud before she could find any reasons why now was not the right moment to talk about something like that._

″ _Huh?″ he asked and changed his position so he could look at her, curiosity and probably a little bit of nervousness reflecting from his perfect face._

″ _I uhm...I...″ she rambled before she finally found the courage to tell him. ″I want to have another one.″_

″ _What?″ Jay frowned and now confusion brushed curiosity away. ″You want to have another what? Kiss?″ he smirked and leaned in to kiss her, just in case this was what she'd meant._

″ _Well, that always,″ she chuckled. ″But it's not exactly what I meant.″_

″ _Ooookaaay,″ Jay breathed. ″Then what did you mean?″_

″ _You remember the evening we decided to foster Luke? When you told me that he came into our lives for a reason and the day might come that we find out why?″_

″ _I do,″ Jay nodded, still having no clue where she was going with that._

″ _You were right,″ she admitted with a shy smile. ″These last few months, I realized something. Having Luke around made me realize something. Seeing you carrying one kid in each of your arms made me realize something. And I know this might sound crazy because Emmy is not even a year old and we still don't know whether Rylie will make it and there's still the possibility that she relapses in a couple of months or in a year and we end up adopting Luke...″ At this point she had to take a deep breath because her lungs were running out of oxydgen. ″But it doesn't matter because I realized I want to have another one with you. I want to have another child with you.″ There it was. The admission that a couple of months ago had been unthinkable. The wish that had settled in her a couple of weeks back, when he'd carried Emmy and Luke upstairs after they'd danced to Despacito._

 _The beaming, genuine smile that appeared on Jay's face by her words overwhelmed her and it seemed like he didn't know what to say, so he placed a gushy kiss on her lips to tell her how much he loved what she'd just said._

″ _Erin...that's...that's,″ he stammered. ″Are you serious?!″_

″ _Absolutely,″ she confirmed, her smile equalling his. ″I want to have another child with you. And as much as I like the bond Luke and Emmy have because he's four years older, I want them to be close in age. Like Danny and Henry. So they can grow up together and we don't have to start all over again in a couple of years.″_

″ _So that means I have your permission to knock you up?″ he joked, his eyes sparkling joyfully in the lights of their tree._

″ _Basically,″ she chuckled. ″We know that Emilia was your golden shot and that it usually takes a little longer until a woman gets pregnant. So I was thinking we should stop preventing the possibility of a pregnancy and just see what happens. No pressure and nothing. We have time and it happens when it happens.″_

″ _I'm in,″ Jay winked, pure happiness radiating from his face and no matter that he'd always told her that he didn't need a second child, she knew how much this meant to him and how excited he was about adding another one to their brood._

″ _Good,″ she smirked and pressed her lips against his. ″And there's one more thing I gotta tell you,″ she whispered against his lips._

″ _You want us to start practising right now?″ he asked with a low growl, his eyes darkening instantly._

″ _Well, we can talk about that,″ she teased him, smiling at him sweetly and innocently. ″But before we start practising it would be awesome if you could tell your little friends to remember that they're Halsteads and that this means that the XY-chromosome usually beats the XX-chromosome. They need to fight harder this time because I would actually die to have a little boy with your freckles and your unruly hair.″_

″ _And your hazel-green eyes,″ he smirked. ″Then we have a deal.″_

″ _I think I can live with that.″_

Her alarm going off, signalising that the test should show a result now interrupted her daydream about the night she'd told her husband about her wish of having another child. She turned it off with nervous fingers and put her phone on the bedside table before getting up and making her way to the bathroom. Her knees were a little weak and her heart was pounding in her chest as she approached the sink with the stick because she knew exactly which result she wished for and wanted to see. She tried to spy the result before she was even close enough but couldn't see it and she then just turned her head away as she grabbed the stick, her fist wrapping around it and it was only when she was back in the bedroom and after inhaling a deep breath that she was able to open her fist and look at the result...

* * *

 **I know I'm mean for leaving you here, haha. What do you think, is Halstead no. 2 on the way or is Erin's body just playing some tricks on her? Please share your thoughts and let me know what you think about this chapter. Thanks :)**


	86. Love At First Sight

**Thanks for all the feedback and sorry for letting you wait but here you finally go with the next chapter ;-)**

* * *

 **86\. Love At First Sight**

When Jay came home from work in the evening, Erin was already waiting for him and his wife looked as radiant that it almost made him fall over, a huge smile spreading across his face when his eyes fell on her and he might licked over his lips in anticipation. Her outfit, her wavy hair, the subtle make-up: this was what perfection looked like and it wasn't until a little later that he had the feeling something was off anyway, that something was missing to call this perfection: her famous, dimpled smile that let her eyes sparkle like the brightest diamonds. And it weren't her mood swings that had him worried during their dinner at the Purple Pig, those were non-existent tonight which he was thankful for because he's been faced with them regularly lately. It was the fact that her smile and laugh seemed to be fake, like she had to force herself to it when their conversations were actually as easy as always. Only their usual flirty, teasing and joking banter wasn't on point tonight as she didn't seem to be in the mood for any kind of real joking and teasing and over sharing some dessert to die for, he wondered whether he should ask her what was going on. Eventually he decided not to push her and instead wait for her to tell him, hoping that she would confide in him without that he had to say something.

Once their stomachs were too full for their own goods and they'd paid the cheque, they went for an extensive stroll under the starry sky, all the way from downtown along the lakefront to the planetarium, the city with its enlightened skyline always next to them. It was their favorite walk and brought back a lot of memories from their early days of dating, when they'd strolled here with picnic baskets to eventually have a picnic by the planetarium and watch the sun go down behind the skyscrapers while feeding each other strawberries and chocolate, when they'd come here for secret dates or secret walks, hoping that no one would see them and catch up on their secret relationship.

″Big moving weekends ahead, huh?″ Erin asked casually as they strolled along the lake, their hands intertwined, their winter jackets keeping them warm since the temperatures still were more wintery once the sun was gone and darkness took over.

″So Kim completely moves to Adam this weekend and Rylie moves to Kim's place next weekend, right?″ Jay asked back.

″Yeah, that's the plan,″ she confirmed. ″There's not much to do though. Kim just has some boxes with all kinds of stuff and a couple pieces of furniture she wants to take with and they could need our help with, so it should all be done tomorrow already. And Rylie only has those boxes and some of her old furniture that's in our basement but she wants to paint some walls during the week before she moves in. So all in all it should be a walk in the park.″

″Moving is never a walk in the park,″ Jay chuckled but then got serious again quickly. ″So does this mean you talked to Adam? After...you know?″

″After the way I left yesterday you mean?″ she asked and he nodded in response. ″I wanted to do it last night after the zumba class but then I came home and got distracted,″ she smirked and raised her eyebrow at him, basically blaming him for that. ″And then I wanted to do it this morning but other things came up and so I texted him earlier while you were in the shower and told him I was out of line and that I'm sorry. And as peace offering I offered him our help with the move. He accepted both, my apology and my offer, and said he's glad that you'll be there to help disassemble and assemble the few pieces of furniture while I can talk Kim into cleaning or whatever because they would probably drive each other crazy assembling furniture together.″

″And you didn't bite his head off for telling you to do the housewifely stuff?″ he winked.

″That took a lot of self-control, believe me,″ she laughed but once again it didn't go unnoticed by him that it wasn't her real Erin-laugh.

″Yeah, I bet,″ he grinned, deciding not to mention that he knew something was wrong, and instead pressed a kiss against her temple. ″How do you feel about Rylie moving out?″

″I think I'm okay with it. More or less,″ she admitted.

″Is it more or is it less?″ Jay grinned.

″Probably less,″ she smiled faintly. ″I will miss her. Especially in the evenings. She was great company when you were working late. And she was part of our daily routine, helped where she could, made Luke ready for bed and tucked him in herself most nights, so our family dynamics will change again.″

″Our family dynamics change all the time, I think we should get used to it,″ he winked. ″Luke will most likely move to Rylie's place in May or June and then it's only you, me and Emmy and Crispin for the first time in...geee...forever,″ he laughed, realizing that they've never been really alone in their house ever since they moved in. ″First my brother lived with us, then Luke and Rylie and now we soon have our house just for ourselves for the first time.″

″Yeah,″ she nodded with yet another forced smile. ″Just the four of us.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″This view will never fail to amaze me,″ Erin said after they'd reached the planetarium, the noises of the city only hearable in the distance, the water of Lake Michigan hitting against the seawall.

″It's stunning every single time,″ Jay agreed and wrapped his arms around her from behind, resting his chin in the crook of her neck. ″I love you,″ he whispered into her ear.

She turned around in his embrace, giving him the same words back. ″I love you more.″ Although it was dark, he could once again see that this wasn't her famous smile, the one with the dimples, the one that reached her eyes. He hasn't seen that all evening.

″Er, are you okay?″ he finally asked what he's been wondering for hours now and couldn't hold back any longer. ″You seem a little...off.″

″Yeah, I'm fine. Very fine actually,″ she said and suddenly those dimples seemed to break through which made him believe her statement. Probably this was a mood-swing-thing after all and her mood even changed in a heartbeat on their date night as well and for whatever reason it's been bad so far and was now suddenly changing. ″It's a beautiful night, Chicago shows off, I'm at our favorite place with my husband and...″ She stopped herself to take a breath as if she soaked in courage, and smiled at him nervously before she looked down at her feet and then at her stomach, her jacket being open allowing her to place her hand directly on it. ″Our baby.″

His mouth dropped open by her words, his eyes widened, his heartbeat picked up its pace and for a moment he had the feeling he couldn't breathe as the air in his lungs was replaced by pure, overwhelming, exaggerating joy. ″What?″ he uttered, assuring himself that he's heard right, that she'd really just said that.

″I'm pregnant,″ she smiled brightly. There they were, the words he's always wanted to hear coming from her mouth accompanied by this dimpled, happy smile, and not thrown at him like last time. The words that made his heart flutter and his stomach turn in the most positive way and filled his body with an incredible amount of joy and happiness.

″We're having another baby?″ he reassured himself, his whole face still telling a story of him not being able to believe it.

″We're having another baby,″ Erin confirmed and within the next second he had her picked up in his arms and swirled her around.

″We're having another baby!″ he called, telling whoever wanted to hear these news of their family growing by another member, and letting her back down he placed a long, gushy kiss on her lips, never wanted them to part again, wanted this moment of bliss to be framed.

Eventually he let her go off his embrace and looked at her stomach in awe, the realization settling that there was Halstead number two growing inside of her, that they'd created another little miracle, and he placed his hand on her stomach protectively, stroking over her flat abdomen with the tips of his fingers to say hi to his baby.

″When did that happen?″ he whispered, resting his forehead against hers as they both gazed down, as Erin lay her hand atop his.

″I don't know exactly but given the dates and everything I think this happened somewhen around the week we went to San Francisco. So I would be around seven weeks. Give or take,″ she smiled.

″Wow,″ he breathed out. ″When did you find out?″

″This morning actually,″ she answered and told him the whole story of finding Emmy and Crispin creating a mess in the bathroom, of her collecting her toiletries which had made her realize she was late, of her trip to the pharmacy with Emmy to buy three different pregnancy tests, of coming home and taking the other two as well after the first had already been clearly positive. ″I already called Dr Hanson's office and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.″

″Good, that's good,″ Jay said, still smiling like a Chesire Cat and without a doubt there was nothing that could erase this smile from his lips tonight.

″Once she confirmed it, we can tell Hank and the team and I will step down to do everything that's not dangerous as from Tuesday. Would that be fine with you?″

″Absolutely,″ Jay nodded, remembering exactly what kind of drama this whole telling Hank thing and being on light duty had been last time. But everything's changed for the better and Erin was now reasonable enough to accept the fact that being pregnant and busting drug dealers or other criminals didn't go well with each other. ″I can't believe there's a baby in there again,″ he beamed.

″Yeah, me neither,″ Erin said and suddenly she seemed to be a little more pensive again, which Jay of course recognized.

″Er, you happy about that, right?″ he asked although he actually knew she was. But there was something she was holding back from him and he wanted to figure out about the things that were going on in her mind. ″I mean, that's what we both wanted.″

″I am. I am tremedously happy about that,″ she assured him.

″Then what's going on? Earlier, you seemed off...and even now...,″ he said meaningfully.

″It's stupid,″ she shrugged it off.

″Nothing that's going on in that beautiful head of yours is ever stupid,″ Jay said encouragingly, his voice soft and understanding, and he reached for her hand to squeeze it.

″It's just...,″ she breathed out. ″When I saw those two lines, it suddenly all became real. Until then, it was just something we wanted, an imagination... but now...we're really having a second baby,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath. ″And what happens if I...if I can't love this baby as much as I love Emmy? The moment the midwife placed her on my chest after those 16 hours, or 9 months in fact, I fell in love with her. It was this magic love at first sight thing and I love our girl so so so much that it sometimes scares the crap out of me. So what if I can't share this love with another little person?″ she asked, her eyes looking for comfort in his. ″It wouldn't be fair to Emmy that she suddenly only gets half the love or that the baby never gets as much love as Emmy got and I'm just scared I can't love our second baby as much as our first and...,″ she rambled.

″Er,″ Jay said calmingly. ″I don't think you have to divide your love between Emmy and the baby or cut down your love for Emmy so you're able to love the baby. Your heart will grow and grow and grow and make room for all the love for both kids. You will love this baby as much as you love Emmy without having to cut anything down because as much as your heart might seem full now, you will see that it can still get fuller once this little bean is here.″

And once again, his choice of words paired with his understanding, caring, calming attitude made her believe every word, made her calm down though not fully convinced her yet. ″Okay,″ she whispered and smiled faintly.

″And your heart grew for Luke as well, didn't it?″

This was something she hasn't thought about so far but he was right, she loved Luke with all her heart. ″Yeah. Yeah I guess it did,″ she smiled a little brighter now. ″It will be an adjustment for all of us. But we will make it work.″

″Of course we will,″ Jay assured her before the genuine smile broke through again on his face. ″Oh my God we're really having another baby,″ he chuckled slightly.

″Yes, we are.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Jay woke up on the following morning without any alarm interrupting his sleep, he discovered that his wife was already awake and staring at him with sleepy eyes and this special grin surrounding her lips and for a second he wondered whether all of last nights happenings had just been one wonderful dream.

″Good morning, beauitful,″ he yawned and stretched his limbs.

″Good morning,″ she said with a smile.

″Morning sickness or why are you up already?″ he asked as he rolled over and pressed a proper good-morning kiss against her lips.

″So far I've been lucky and don't have to fight with morning sickness at all. But with Emmy it only started late as well, so I won't cheer too soon,″ she laughed lightly. ″I just couldn't sleep anymore. I've been sleeping so bad lately and I can't help but think it comes from the pregnancy. Which is weird because with Emmy I was tired all the time during the first trimester, you remember? Me being such a sleepyhead long before I found out I was pregnant?″

″I remember,″ Jay winked. ″So there's no morning sickness and you're not tired but battle insomnia...maybe this means we're having a boy instead of a girl,″ he concluded with the brightest of smiles.

″Yeah,″ she smiled just as bright. ″Maybe.″

Jay pulled the sheets back and then pulled her shirt, that was his of course, up, so her bare stomach was revealed and he changed his position so he could kiss the part of her body that currently provided their baby a home. ″Hey baby,″ he whispered against her skin, his tickling breath making her giggle. ″Are you a boy or a girl?″

Erin placed her hand on his neck and ran his fingers through his hair. ″I guess we have to wait a couple more weeks until we find out, babe.″

″I know,″ he chuckled. ″I guess it's a little too late to influence the baby now.″ He kissed her stomach once more and then changed his position again so the next thing he could kiss were her perfectly curved lips.

″Yup, influencing won't help. It's already settled,″ she winked. ″But I told you to tell your little friends about the XX and XY thing.″

″I had a very serious conversation with them, no worries,″ he joked.

″Well, then we'll soon see whether they listened to you,″ Erin smiled all innocent which Jay answered with leaning in and giving her a lingering kiss.

″Mama,″ Emmy's voice resounded from the baby monitor to interrupt their little moment and make sure those kisses didn't turn into something else.

″I go and get her,″ she said and untangled her feet from the sheets, pulling her shirt down as she got up.

″I can go,″ Jay suggested.

″She said mama, not dada, so no thanks,″ Erin grinned sweetly. When for once her daughter asked for her and not for her daddy, she would go and be the first person Emilia saw this morning.

″You should probably take it easy and not carry her...″

″Jay,″ she said and turned around to face him, her expression a mix of being annoyed and amused, which actually captured her well-known mood swings perfectly. ″I've been carrying her for 14 months now which means I also carried her within the last few weeks while I was already pregnant. So please do me a favor and do not bubble-wrap me, okay?″

″Okay,″ he answered, telling his inner protective urge to calm down because carrying a 20 pound toddler probably wasn't that big of a deal, especially since there were billions of pregnant mothers that already had a toddler to take care of. ″But you will not carry any heavy boxes or any other heavy things today and next week.″

″Yeah,″ she nodded, knowing that this would make him feel easier and would probably be smart anyway. ″We can talk about that.″

With Emmy on her hip she returned to the bedroom not even two minutes later, their 14 month-old being an absolute sunshine but at the same time a bundle of energy which made Saturday morning cuddles pretty difficult because Emmy rather wanted to climb over her parents's legs than lying down next to them. This girl was surely always on the move to discover the world.

″Where do you wanna go, young lady?″ Jay laughed and grabbed her when she tried to crawl over Erin's legs, swirled her through the air to settle her between them again. ″You know Em, there's something mommy and daddy have to tell you. Although you might not understand it,″ Jay told his daughter because he wanted to tell the world about these news but they had to wait until Tuesday until they would share it with anyone. ″Let's take a look at mommy's tummy,″ he said and pulled Erin's shirt up again.

″It soon won't look like this anymore,″ Erin commented with a sigh, imaginging how soon her abs would disappear and skin would stretch again as their baby grew bigger every day.

″Mommy's right. It soon won't look like this anymore,″ Jay said to Emmy and kissed her hair. ″Because there's a baby in there, princess. Your little brother or little sister is growing in mommy's tummy, just like you did once.″ Speaking it out loud was certainly one of the best feelings in the world. ″You wanna say hi?″

He guided her little hand to Erin's stomach and helped Emmy to stroke over it and this moment was as special, it touched Erin deeply. ″Say hi baby,″ Jay said. ″Hi little brother or sister.″

″Hi,″ Emmy babbled. Their baby was saying hi to their baby and no matter that Emilia had no clue what was really going on, this thought brought tears to Erin's eyes.

″Can you give the baby a kiss?″ Jay asked and he was equally touched by this sweet moment. ″Like this, look.″ He leaned down and kissed Erin's stomach.

″Do we want to kiss the baby together?″ He changed Emmy's position, held her differently so he could help her kiss Erin's non-existent baby bump and they actually made this work, Emilia and Jay both kissing her stomach.

Now some tears of joy and emotion were falling from Erin's eyes and crying has never felt as good.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Compared to Erin's and Jay's move from the city to the suburbs, Kim's move to Adam's place was seriously a walk in the park and the two men had all the furniture disassembled, transported and assembled in no time while Kim and Erin unpacked the boxes and started to give Adam's bachelor apartment a certain female touch by adding some simple decor. Not too much though because no one wanted them to start off their adventure of living together by some argument about making his apartment some girly place. This had to be done step by step, over a certain period of time so Adam could get used to a woman living with him now. Meanwhile Emmy made sure to create just the right amount of additional mess by spreading her toys, that Erin and Jay had brought in a huge bag, all over the living room.

It was in the late afternoon, as soon as most of the things seemed to be done, when Adam had the sudden idea that he needed a new flatscreen with sound-system, one like Jay had in his man-cave, and the two men decided to make a trip to the next store. It was easy to say that Kim wasn't a fan of this at all but considering the options she had, she quickly told her boyfriend that he was allowed to buy a new flatscreen in case she was allowed to use more decor.

Adam agreed somewhat teeth-gnashingly, the wish for a new flatscreen being bigger than his concerns of Kim turning his apartment in some decor paradise, and while Jay and Adam made a trip to some big store, Erin and Kim decided to make a trip to the next Ikea to buy some more decor stuff and since Rylie would move into her new place next week, they picked her and Luke up from Beverly so these two could join them on their shopping trip, which of course turned into a chaos with Luke wanting basically everything and Emmy running around and grabbing everything within reach but throwing a tantrum when being put in the cart.

Those were the moments when Erin wondered why on Earth they'd decided for a second child when their first one already had the potential to drive them up the walls. But it was too late to reconsider that choice now anyway and thinking about the little bean that was growing inside of her unbeknownst to the people around her, her heart skipped a beat and her mood changed from being bugged about Emmy's behavior to being happy about those little miracles they've been blessed with.

By the time they came back from their shopping trip, the TV and the new sound system were already on their designated places and when Kim eyed the thing skeptically, Adam told her how they didn't have to go to the theater now anymore because this new TV and the sound system had all the features they needed for perfect movie nights. It weren't the kind of benefits that had the ability to convince her as this was one reason less to not go out for date nights.

What definitely lightened the mood though was the fact that the guys had bought and built up all of those things in literal light speed – of course, boys would be boys – while the women's trip had taken forever and they'd therefore had the time to cook dinner – fettucine alfredo - which was urgently needed since both, Emmy and Luke, were quite cranky and Rylie's, Erin's and Kim's stomachs were also growling as loud that the neighbors could probably hear it.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Look at this little angel,″ Jay said when he walked into the nursery in the evening, Erin sitting in the rocking chair with Emilia in her lap, her daughter's face resting against her chest as she slowly drifted to slumber.

″She wasn't that much of an angel today,″ Erin sighed. ″Seriously, those tantrums are supposed to start around 20 months and we're six months away from that. If that means she won't have them then, I'm okay with it but if not...″

″She was an early walker so she's probably an early tantrum thrower as well,″ Jay laughed slightly and knelt down next to them, Crispin lying down instantly as well so Jay didn't forget to pet him and give him some well-deserved attention.

″These days she really is a handful...but it would never change how much I love her,″ she said and peered down at her daughter with the love only a mother could have on her face. ″What were we thinking adding another one? Were we drunk when we decided that? Or high? Or out of our minds?″ she laughed and shook her head, trying to be careful to not wake up Emmy again.

″I don't know, you tell me,″ Jay winked.

″I think I was definitely out of my mind...but in a good way,″ she smiled back at her husband. ″I'm excited for this journey and for everything that comes with it. Tantrums, tears, this pure kind of love...whatever our munchkins throw at us. Although it won't always be easy.″

″There will be rough days and nights with having two under two but as long as we have each other, we'll make it work. And just for moments like this right now or the one this morning it's all worth it,″ he smiled at his wife and she nodded in agreement before she leaned down to kiss Emmy's head with her full brown-blonde hair that they could soon pull into a tiny ponytail or two pigtails.

″So worth it.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay was more than thankful that their day at work on Monday didn't include any busts or anything else that could be considered dangerous before the evening, when Erin would long be home, safe and sound on their couch. In the forenoon, they'd gotten a new case but so far all they could do was putting some pieces together and prepare for tonight's undercover operation. Erin had to admit that she was glad as well because she would've needed quite the white lie why she couldn't come along since she didn't want to risk anything this time but also didn't want to tell anyone just yet. Sharing those big news had to wait one more day until they knew how far along she was and when their new family member would join them.

″Aren't you off the clock already?″ Adam asked Erin in the early evening when he joined her in the break room to look for anything eatable and make himself a cup of coffee that would bring him through the night.

″Uhm,″ Erin mumbled, swallowing down the piece of chocolate bar she had in her mouth. ″I am,″ she confirmed. ″But our fridge at home is basically empty and I was hungry,″ she said, showing him the chocolate bar in her hand.

″Didn't I see you eating one of those fifteen minutes ago?″ Adam frowned, eyeing the half-eaten chocolate bar.

″This is my third,″ Erin answered casually, honestly, and took another bite from that unhealthy snack that she unfortunately craved for.

″What, are you pregnant?″ Adam joked and chuckled heartily.

For a second, Erin didn't know what to say, which was a very rare circumstance and since she usually always had something to say, she unfortunately wasn't one for pokerfaces. But she tried her best to hide her shock that Adam had unintenionally just figured out that she was pregnant. It stayed with an unsuccessful try though.

″What? No,″ she shook her head and when Adam's smile grew bigger by her lie, she knew that her reaction to his question had been too long, too revealing.

″Oh my God you are!″ Adam exclaimed which earned him a death clare from Erin and he actually interpreted it right and lowered his voice. ″You are totally pregnant,″ he murmured.

″So what? You've been hiding that engagement ring in the drawer of your desk for weeks now,″ she said quietly but emphatically, playing out the trumpcard she hasn't thought she would ever need, and now his facial expression was as shocked as hers had been a minute ago.

″What? How do you know?″ he uttered.

″Oh come on Adam, there's a reason why I'm a detective and you're not. I've seen you putting it in there weeks ago and caught you opening the drawer and looking at it from time to time. You getting cold feet again?″

″Just shut up,″ he mumbled under his breath.

″No, you shut up,″ she hissed.

″Fine,″ he agreed.

″Good.″

″Hey, what's going on here?″ Antonio suddenly asked as he joined them in the break room.

″Nothing,″ Adam and Erin answered simultaneously without looking at each other.

″Okay,″ Antonio said, a frown on his forehead when he looked from Erin to Adam but then he apparently decided to leave it at that. ″We gotta prepare for the undercover gig,″ he said to Adam. ″And what are you even still doing here?″ he asked Erin.

″Just had a chocolate bar because I'll need that when I now go grocery shopping with Luke and Emmy,″ she sighed.

″Ouh, yeah,″ Antonio grimaced and laughed. ″Good luck with that.″

″Thanks, I'll certainly need it,″ she laughed as well, throwing Adam another warning glance as she left the room just to make sure that he would actually keep his mouth shut.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Their undercover operation already solved their case, which suited Erin and Jay perfectly because instead of leaving the bullpen around 2.30pm on the following day to go home, Erin told Hank that she'd just gotten a call from a CI that she now wanted to meet as it had sounded important, telling him that she would take Jay with her as backup. When in fact, they had one very special appointment at her OB's practice. She never felt good with lying to Hank but this little white lie was necessary and the team only having to handle the aftermath of the case was as perfect that they didn't need to create another reason why Jay had to leave the bullpen for an hour while he was still on the clock. Because there was no way he would miss this first appointment, of seeing their baby for the first time.

″Erin, Jay, it's nice to see you again,″ Dr Hanson greeted them with a big smile when she stepped into the examination room and found the couple sitting by the desk. ″So I heard you're having another one?″

″That's at least what the three tests said that I took on Friday,″ Erin, who was already wearing the gown, smiled nervously, suddenly thinking about the possibility of all three tests being wrong and them celebrating something for the last few days that wasn't actually there.

″Any other symptoms?″

″Insomnia, mood swings and I crave chocolate like crazy. It's completely different than it was with Emmy,″ she shrugged.

″One could assume that pregnancies are similar but they are all different,″ her doctor smiled. ″Let's take a look then.″

They moved to the examination table, Erin putting her feet in the stirrups and her OB warning her about the upcoming uncomfortable feeling. Jay reached for her hand and she squeezed it a little tighter when the transvaginal wand entered her, a quiet wince escaping from her lips and in this moment, the thought of giving birth again in a couple of months terrified her.

″Here we go,″ Dr Hanson said and turned the wand a little, Erin not being able to look at the screen because she was scared her eyes would find nothing.

″Congratulations, there it is.″ There they were, the words of confirmation that they were having another baby. For real. That they'd created another little person during a night of making love a couple of weeks back. That she was carrying another baby under her heart. That they would soon welcome another family member that was half her and half Jay. ″And we can even see the heartbeat already.″

Erin slowly turned her head to the screen and the moment her eyes fell on the black-and-white picture of a fastly beating heart surrounded by what couldn't clearly be indentified as a baby yet, she fell in love. There was not much to be seen and she and Jay could never make out the baby that was growing in there but yet, it was love at first sight and she knew in that moment, that it was possible to love another baby as much as she loved Emmy because she already felt an overwhelming amount of love only from seeing their baby's teeny tiny heart. Jay had been right, her heart was able to grow bigger and fuller and in this moment, she knew exactly what it felt like.

″This is one of the moments that doesn't lose its magic even when repeated,″ Jay said all amazed, his eyes glassy, a huge smile plastered on his lips as he stared at the screen in awe.

″It is, isn't it?″ Dr Hanson smiled at the expecting couple. ″Everything looks perfectly fine and the heartbeat is a healthy 131.″

″How old is the little bean?″ Erin asked, her voice a little raspier than usual, her eyes sparkling suspiciously, just like Jay's.

″You're meassuring 7 weeks and 5 days,″ she told them after a moment and typed something in her computer. ″Which makes your due date 22 November.″

″22 November,″ Erin echoed. 11/22, she liked that date. Even though she knew that the chances of their baby being born on its due date were just 4%.

″Wait, that's Thanksgiving, isn't it?″ Jay laughed.

″Is it?″ Erin asked but she was sure that her nerdy husband knew the date of Thanksgiving 2018 although it was still months away.

″Yes, it is,″ Dr Hanson confirmed and printed out a couple of photos.

″So we might get a Thanksgiving baby,″ he smirked.

″Yeah well, in case this kiddo is anything like Emmy it probably won't come before December,″ Erin laughed.

Dr Hanson carefully removed the wand and Erin changed back into her normal clothes before they all settled at the desk again to go over a few instructions and questions.

″Well, you know the drill Erin, no caffeine or similar stuff,″ the doctor said.

″Oh dang, I really missed that decaf stuff,″ Erin laughed slightly. 14 months later and here she was again, having to survive the mornings without her beloved dose of caffeine.

″Did you?″ Jay joked, raising an eyebrow at her.

″Like hell,″ she joked back.

″Then you'll be glad to drink that for the next seven months,″ Dr Hanson winked. ″I'll give you some prenatal vitamins and other than that we'll see us at your 14-weeks appointment. But you can of course always come or call in case you have questions or something doesn't feel right.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded. ″There's just one question I have. Or two actually.″

″Go ahead.″

″I can carry my daughter, right?″

″Yes you can,″ the older woman confirmed. ″This is something you do every day, it's part of your routine, so it's not a new kind of movement or exertion and you should be totally fine of carrying her as long as you feel okay with it.″

″Good,″ Erin smiled in relief. She didn't know what she would've done if her doctor had told her that she wasn't allowed to carry Emilia. ″And there's this zumba class I'm attending and really enjoy. Would it be fine to keep doing that?″

″You know, whatever is good for the mother is good for the baby. So as long as your body gives you the right signals, I don't see a reason to stop anytime soon. Just avoid jumping and hard stepping,″ Dr Hanson explained, giving Erin another answer she'd wanted to hear.

They left the office a few minutes later, after scheduling their next appointment for mid-May, and leaving the building, the first thing Jay did was pressing a long, gushy kiss against Erin's lips, his arms wrapping around her frame, the birds chirping like crazy around them as if they shared this moment of joy with them.

″November can't come soon enough,″ he said, this genuine smile still on his face.

″Even though this is the second time, I still can't believe this tiny bean will grow into a perfect little human,″ Erin answered, gazing at the prints of the sonogram all fascinated. ″And you know what, doing the math it seems like San Francisco really was the place where this happened.″

″San Francisco,″ Jay echoed, remembering the night when massaging her shoulders after walking more than 10 miles that day had turned into making love. Had this been the night? Or had it been the next night, when they'd made love in that cozy cabin they'd stayed at while visiting Teddy. ″So to honor the place where the baby was conceived, we should probably name it Francisco in case it's a boy,″ he grinned dorkily.

She rolled her eyes at him and shook her head slightly, Jay's favorite smirk covering her face. ″This might be the best idea you've ever head.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When they returned to the bullpen, after stopping by some baby store for a minute to get something they needed for the big reveal, Hank was already waiting for them and only now Erin remembered that she'd told him to meet a CI and that he expected her to come back with important intel or a new case.

″You got something from that CI?″ Hank asked as soon as Erin and Jay reached the top of the stairs, everyone else looking at them expectantly as well, everyone hungry for a new case.

″Uhm...yeah, actually...″ Erin stammered, exchanging a short glance with Jay. ″Do you have a minute?″ she asked motioning her head to his office.

″Yeah,″ he nodded with a frown and guided them to his office, closing the door behind them as soon as they were in.

″So, what did they say?″ Hank asked expectantly as he settled behind his desk.

″Well, not much,″ Erin breathed out, feeling a little nervous out of a sudden.

″You were gone for over an hour...″ Hank noticed, his frown deepening.

″We weren't actually meeting a CI,″ she told him and hints of anger seemed to appear on his face. ″We had something important to do and then stopped by some store to buy Emmy a new and very special shirt.″

″You two went shopping while you were on the clock?!″ Hank exclaimed in disbelief. He's witnessed a lot of things during his career but this was definitely a first.

″More or less,″ Erin nodded. ″You wanna see what we bought her?″ She asked and placed the plastic bag with the shirt on his desk, his face still telling that he was anything but amused.

″Erin, your kid has too many clothes already and I can't believe what you guys just did-″

″Hank,″ Jay interrupted him, sensing that his wife could need some support and now was the time to step up. ″Why don't you just take a look inside the bag before things turn a little heated here? You might understand then,″ he said meaningfully and all calm.

″Fine,″ Hank grunted and grabbed the bag to take the light purple, long-sleeved shirt out of it to read the message that was printed on front of it in huge, black letters accompanied by a red heart.

″Big sister,″ Hank read aloud. ″Since when is she older than Luke or does Crispin count as younger sibl-,″ he interrupted himself and Erin and Jay had to give their all not to start laughing because for one of Chicago's best cops he really was slow on the uptake.

″Wait,″ he said and set the piece of fabric down on his desk as he looked from Erin to Jay to find the confirmation in their eyes. ″You trying to tell me...?″ he concluded without speaking it out loud and a rare smile tugged in the corners of his lips. Erin and Jay having another baby so soon after Emilia was for sure one of the very last things he'd seen coming.

″Yes,″ Erin confirmed with a bright smile and placed her hand on her abdomen while Jay reached for the print of the sonogram in the back pocket of his jeans.

″May we introduce: Halstead number two, our planned child,″ Jay grinned like a Chesire Cat once more and handed his father-in-law the print that pictured their second baby.

″Almost eight weeks old and joining us this coming Thanksgiving,″ Erin smiled as her father-figure studied the picture of his fourth grandchild in amazement.

″So your CI was your OB, huh?″ Hank asked her.

″Yep,″ Erin nodded.

″Wow, this really is a surprise,″ he said and got up from his chair to pull her into a hug. ″Congratulations kiddo.″

″Thank you.″

″I guess this means you want to work the desk from now on,″ he grinned as he cupped her cheek with his hand.

″Yes, that's exactly what this means,″ she smiled.

″Alright, all the paperwork is yours then,″ Hank laughed and then pulled Jay, who was already reaching out for a firm handshake, into a short hug as well.

″Congrats Jay,″ he told him. ″I had no idea you guys were planning on another one.″

″Well, we didn't tell anyone about that,″ Jay grinned. ″And it happened quite fast.″

″Spare me the details,″ Hank grunted, Erin and Jay just exchanging a smirking glance and trying not to laugh out loud by Hank's facial expression and the thought which pictures they'd probably just planted in his head. But it was the truth, she'd ended up being pregnant on her second cycle after being off the pill, so it had really happened faster than they'd thought.

They quickly discussed how to tell the team, Hank suggesting to pull through with the CI idea and so the three of them left the office together and gathered around the board.

″Alright, Erin and Jay got something for us,″ he called with his trademark voice that immediately got all the attention.

″There's something we just found out...″ Jay said in a tone that meant business and scrawled C _oming Thanksgiving 2018_ on the board in his not-so-nice handwriting.

″Some information we wanted to share with you,″ Erin played along and pinned the pictures of the sonogram under Jay's text, the pictures of their baby they'd fallen in love with at first sight an hour ago.

″What's that?″ Kevin asked from his desk, the pictures as small as they all couldn't really see it.

″Come here and take a look,″ Erin said. ″This is the suspect that will change our life this coming Thanksgiving.″

This cryptic statement had everyone curious and they left their comfortable chairs to join them on the board to take a look at the pictures and figure out what kind of weird information Jay and Erin had gotten from the CI.

″Is this what I think it is?″ Antonio was the first to see what kind of picture they'd just pinned there.

″I don't know what you think it is,″ Erin winked, ″but because you should know what it is, I can answer your question with yes.″

″Must be the most innocent suspect that was ever pinned on this board,″ Antonio laughed.

″Yeah, we'll see about its innocence once it's here,″ Jay laughed.

″Congrats guys, these are surely great news,″ Antonio smiled and was the first to pull them into hugs.

″I can't believe it,″ Mouse smiled and shook his head slightly. ″Congrats bro,″ he hugged his best friend and gave him a pat on the back and then also hugged Erin.

″I have to admit, I'm more than thankful that we now have someone who's doing all the paperwork for us again,″ Kevin smirked and pulled Erin in one of his famous teddy-bear hugs. ″Congrats Linds.″

″You wish that I do all of that for you now,″ Erin laughed. ″For now I will still do interrogations and notifications and whatever else isn't considered dangerous. So you can keep your paperwork all for yourself.″

″Too bad,″ he winked and went on to hug Jay.

″Congrats kiddos,″ Al said, as always not being one of many words but a rare smile telling them that he was happy for them, and hugged them both, even leaving a kiss on Erin's forehead.

″Well done buddy,″ Adam chuckled as he pulled Jay into a hug to congratulate him.

″And congrats Linds,″ he finally said, being the last to hug her. ″I will surely miss our Friday-night partnership.″

″Yeah, I have to admit we were quite the team,″ Erin smiled as Adam wrapped his arms around her.

″So now that your secret is out, what about mine?″ Adam whispered into her ear ever so quiet that she had trouble to understand him.

″I have no idea what you're talking about,″ she whispered back and ending the embrace, she threw him a little wink that he answered with an appreciative nod.

″Hey Erin,″ Antonio grinned once everyone was done with hugging and congratulating. ″Does this mean the mystery about your terrible mood swings is solved as well?″

″Yep,″ Erin chuckled and placed her hand on her stomach. ″And guess what, I'm not the one to blame,″ she laughed with the most innocent expression on her face.

″So you're blaming the baby? Nice move, Linds,″ Adam chuckled.

″I blame the hormones that come with having a baby growing inside of me,″ Erin winked. ″But now knowing where they come from, I might be able to control them better.″

″Cheers to that,″ Kevin laughed, returning from the break room with a couple of water bottles in his hands. ″I think we should toast to that but since we're all still on the clock and since we're a solidary group of people here,″ he winked at Erin, ″we all drink some delicious water today,″ he grinned and handed everyone a cooled bottle.

″To Erin and Jay and Halstead number two...″ Antonio said and raised his bottle.

″And to the journey that lies ahead for this family,″ Hank said, looking at every of his team members.

This family. Everyone of these incredible people would somehow be involved in the journey those next months and years would be, as uncles, grandpas, babysitters, supporters and friends. Just like they've been in the last few years as well...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think ;-)**


	87. Sweet Life

**Thanks for all your feedback once again :) I wanted to update earlier but sometimes life just gets in the way and ruins these plans. But here you go, enjoy :)**

* * *

 **87\. Sweet Life**

After telling their team about the exciting and life-changing news, it was now on Erin and Jay to inform everyone else before those news could travel by themselves and their other loved ones would hear about Erin's pregnancy from someone else. They didn't actually care about those news spreading because soon enough Erin wouldn't be able to hide it anymore anyway but they didn't want family members like Will and Rylie to learn about those news from other nurses just because the moccasin telegraph between the 21st and the hospital was working at its best with cops and doctors regularly hanging out at Molly's. And so Erin made sure to spend the evening after getting the pregnancy confirmed by her doctor with Rylie right away, helping her to paint the walls in what soon would be her apartment. Meanwhile Jay texted his brother and asked him whether he was free for an evening with him, beer and chips provided and some sports channel running on his 65-inch-flatscreen and the older Halstead gladly agreed on his younger brother's offer, telling him that something like this was overdue anyway.

Equipped with paint rollers, brushes and some buckets of paint that Erin and Jay still had in the basement from painting the walls in their house, Erin and Rylie drove to Kim's old apartment after an early dinner, leaving the task of tucking Luke and Emilia in to Jay, who of course had no problem with that. It was a rare thing that he could bring them to bed on a weekday and didn't have to leave this task to Erin, so he fully enjoyed those evenings where he simply could be a doting dad.

″You take those buckets and I take all the other stuff,″ Erin said as they unloaded the trunk, giving the heavy things to Rylie to protect the baby that was growing inside of her.

″Okay,″ the young girl nodded and grabbed the buckets to carry them inside the apartment building and up to the third floor.

″You wanna give me a tour first?″ Erin smiled when they closed the door behind them. She of course knew Kim's apartment from spending evenings with her friend here but she wanted to hear about Rylie's plans, what she wanted to do with the place and how she wanted to change it to make it more hers, even with Kim's old furniture she didn't need anymore.

″Sure,″ Rylie smiled brightly and started right away with showing her the hallway that she wanted to paint in white so it would be light and welcoming, some pictures of her and Luke decorating the walls at some point. They went on to the small but fully equipped kitchen with a small booth that provided enough space to have meals, Rylie talking about her plans of painting the walls in lime. From the kitchen she guided Erin to the room that would be her bedroom and living room in one, telling her how she wanted to seperate those two areas with some curtain or shelf, the walls supposed to change from white to a light orange and white. All of the furniture that Kim has left were already placed in the middle of the room so they luckily didn't have to move them, only needed to cover them with some foil to protect them from the paint. The only room that didn't need painting was the small bathroom that she showed Erin next and last but not least, they found themselves in the other bedroom, the one Luke would hopefully move in to in a couple of weeks when this was a children's paradise in blue and white with some Disney characters on the walls.

″Where do you want to start? Luke's room?″ Erin asked.

″No, I still have time for Luke's room. I thought we could start with my room today, probably do the kitchen and the hallway tomorrow and Luke's room over the weekend when I move,″ Rylie suggested.

″Sure, let's get started then.″

The color of the room quickly changed into a nice and warm orange, Rylie and Erin talking about Rylie's job at Med, how she was back working in the ED now but still wanted to specialize into midwifery rather than becoming an ED nurse. She hasn't decided on anything so far because the online college classes she was already attending while also attending the online highschool classes were basics that she needed no matter in which direction her career was going. The blonde girl also told her how she was allowed to do more and more and how her job didn't only consist of emptying bedpans, changing diapers or running to the lab anymore, how she's earned all their trust which resulted in more responsible tasks.

″Enough about me now,″ Rylie somewhen laughed. ″Tell me something about your job that I don't know. Did you bust some drug dealers today? Or did you have a nice chase in the 300?″ The 21-year-old knew very well that everything that let the adrenaline rush through Erin's body were her favorite tasks.

″No, I didn't,″ Erin chuckled. ″And I won't do anything of this for a long time,″ she smiled, figuring that now was the perfect moment and the perfect time to tell her.

″Why not?″ Rylie frowned. ″I thought that's what you do for a living.″

″It is. But it's not what a pregnant cop should do...″ she said meaningfully and couldn't hold back a smile forming on her lips.

″What?!″ Rylie's eyes widened. ″You're pregnant?″

″I am,″ Erin confirmed with a big smile and Rylie had her arms flung around her faster than she could say anything else.

″Oh my God, I'm so happy for you,″ she hugged her. ″Congratulations, that's amazing news.″

″Thank you.″

″How far along are you? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? When did you find out?″ Rylie fired her questions at her.

″Ry,″ Erin laughed and touched her upper arm before she would get breathing troubles by speaking without interruption. ″Breathe.″

″Okay,″ she smirked.

″I'm almost eight weeks and the baby is due on 22 November, which turns out to be Thanksgiving. Of course we don't know yet whether it's a boy or a girl and we probably keep it a surprise,″ Erin answered all her questions. ″Oh, and I found out last Friday.″

″So that's where does mood swings in the last few weeks came from, huh?″ Rylie teased.

″Guilty as charged,″ she smirked.

″Geeee, when that's your mood while you're pregnant I seriously wonder how you and Jay made it through those nine months the first time and ended up still being together,″ she laughed.

″What shall I say? He pretty much loves me,″ Erin grinned.

″Believe me Erin, that's visible in every minute you two are in the same room,″ Rylie chuckled. ″The way this man looks at you with so much undeniable love and admiration...they can't even do that in the cheesiest movies.″

″Stop exaggerating.″ Erin's cheeks blushed a little in embarrasment.

″I don't″ Rylie said lightly. ″And you know what's the best thing? You look at him in the exact same way and it's adorable. And admirable. And somehow sad. Because now I want that, too, and I don't know how many people on this earth are truly blessed with finding their soulmate.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Will rang the doorbell of the beautiful, big house in Beverly around 8pm in the evening, the last thing he expected was Luke answering the speaker and then opening the door all by himself, with Crispin by his side.

″Shouldn't you be in bed, young man?″ Will asked as soon as Luke had let him in.

″Uuuhhm, no,″ he giggled.

″I think you should,″ Will disagreed with a smile and scooped the 5-year-old into his arms. ″Where's Jay? You hiding from him so you don't have to go to bed?″

″No no,″ Luke grinned mischievously. ″Jay's sleeping.″

″Sleeping?″ Will wondered and let the little boy back down on the floor.

″Yes,″ Luke nodded. ″I wanted to ask him to read me a story and then I found him sleeping on the couch. Come, I show you,″ he said and pulled Will with him to the living room.

″Look at that,″ Will whispered smirkingly when his eyes fell on the adorable scene in front of him. Jay was lying on his side, somehow uncomfortably with his arm under his head, Emilia snuggled into him in a similar position, just mirror-inverted, and sleeping as well.

″See, I told you,″ Luke whispered while Will pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jacket to snap the moment, sending it to Erin with the words: _What did you do with these two? :)_

″Yes, I see,″ Will whispered back. ″Come on, we let them sleep and I will read you a story, okay?″

″Yaaah,″ Luke beamed. ″Can you read one from the pirate book?″

″Sure,″ Will answered quietly.

″Can you also do the voices as good as Jay?″ Luke asked, his voice unfortunately not as quiet anymore as he was all excited.

″Of course he can't,″ Jay mumbled from the couch, giving his brother a lazy grin. ″But he's not so bad.″

″Well good morning Sleeping Beauty. I already thought I have to drink your beer all by myself,″ Will laughed and shook his head slightly. ″Is it still okay when I read you the story, Luke?″

″Yes,″ Luke nodded.

″Alright, then let's go,″ Will smiled and followed Luke upstairs.

With Will reading Luke a story, Jay had time to tuck Emmy in as well, the 14-month-old thankfully not waking up when he carried her upstairs and settled her in her crib. Since bedtime stories with Luke always took a certain amount of time, he could even go to the basement and bring up some beer and chips to his mancave and just after he'd turned on the TV on low volume, Will joined him and plopped down on the couch next to him.

″When was even the last time we had a men night out?″ Will asked and reached for the beer on the coffee table.

″I don't know,″ Jay shrugged, grabbing his beer as well. ″Probably that evening we where in Molly's a couple of weeks back?″

″Rather a couple of months back,″ Will laughed. ″It's amazing how these little people dictate your life and you're totally fine with it, isn't it?″

″Yeah,″ Jay agreed. ″I take an evening at home over going out for a beer anytime. And Molly's honestly was Erin's and my second home before we had Emmy. You would find us there almost every evening. And now we rather have fancy date nights when we find the time and our colleagues mark it in their calendar when we join them in Molly's because it's become that kind of a rarity.″

″Yep, the priorities definitely shift,″ Will nodded, taking a sip from his beer. ″Don't you sometimes miss it though? Just doing what you want? Going for a beer or a round of pool after work and not reading stories, changing diapers and cleaning all the mess up?″

″No,″ Jay answered instantly. ″No matter how stressful it can be sometimes, coming home in the evening is the best part of my day and I would never change it for anything,″ he explained and scanned his brother with a frown. ″Where is this even coming from?″

″Oh...nowhere,″ Will shrugged it off, ignoring the fact that his brother was a detective who made his living with reading people's gazes and figure out when they were lying, and he skillfully changed the topic to the new MLB season and the first games of the Chicago teams, him being a Sox fan and Jay being a Cubs fan giving them quite something to discuss and argue about in a brotherly way.

They were close to emptying their second beer, the bowl with chips having lost its content over the last hour as well, when Will changed the topic again, just when Jay actually thought about finally telling him the big news before the evening would be over. ″You remember mom's engagement ring and how she said the first of us who finds the one can have it?″ he asked with a hint of nervousness in his voice.

At first, Jay was slightly confused by the sudden change of topic but then suddenly this fitted perfectly to their discussion earlier, when Will had asked whether he sometimes missed certain things from his old life. His brother obviously had big plans ahead and he had to hide a smirk when the realization hit him where this conversation was about to go and played cool and casual so his brother wouldn't recognize it.

″Of course I do,″ Jay answered.

″Then why did you never take it? You found the one first and yet, you never asked for the ring,″ Will said.

″It was mom's ring, yes. But it was given to her by dad and when I proposed to Erin dad wasn't a person in my life I liked to think about,″ Jay explained. ″It didn't feel right to take a ring that was given to her by a man who turned out to be the reason she felt miserable for years. So I bought Erin a new ring...one that has nothing to do with the past.″

″Makes sense,″ Will nodded pensively and bit his lip, a clear sign that there was more on his chest but that he didn't find the courage to speak it out loud.

″Come on Will, spill it already,″ Jay laughed, finding amusement in his brother's behavior. Did the ginger really think he hasn't caught up on the reason for this conversation yet?

″Spill what?″

″That you want to have the ring...″ Jay said meaningfully, leaving the part _to propose to Natalie_ out.

For a moment it seemed like Will was somehow shocked and at a loss of words but then he casually asked:″What makes you think I want the ring?″

″I make my living with putting together puzzle pieces so this wasn't really too big of a challenge,″ Jay laughed.

″Damn,″ he mumbled under his breath. ″But what the hell: would you be fine with it?″

″Absolutely,″ Jay smiled, giving his brother a pat on the back. ″So you are going to propose man?″ For someone who's always told Jay that he and Erin were moving fast, he now seemed to make sure to keep up with that pace by proposing after a little over a year of being together.

″Well...yes, I guess,″ Will smirked.

″You think she's ready for this? You know...not even seven months ago you crashed with us because she wasn't ready for Owen to call you daddy.″

″She is,″ Will nodded. ″We've come a long way since that and for what it's worth, this whole thing only made us stronger.″

″Are _you_ ready for this?″ Jay dug deeper.

″I am,″ Will said without hesitating and Jay was sure he's seldomly seen his brother saying something with such certainty. It seemed like his older brother was really and finally ready for this next step in his life, leaving his wild bachelor years behind him once and for all.

″And there's no ulterior motive for that?″ Jay joked, trying to give his older brother a bit of a hard time because that was what younger brothers were for. ″Like that you messed up or she's pregnant or so?″

″There's not. I plan on doing it in June, when we're on vacation in Cancun because this has time. So no, I didn't mess anything up and she's not pregnant,″ Will grinned and gave his brother a punch on the shoulder.

″Too bad,″ Jay smirked.

″Sorry Jay, you have to wait a little before I make you an uncle,″ Will laughed.

″Well, I guess I have to accept that and for now be fine with becoming a dad again and making my brother an uncle for the second time,″ he said dryly but with this special, genuine grin on his lips.

″Did you just say you're going to be a father again?″ Will asked perplexedly. ″I thought Rylie gets Luke back soon, she's talking about it all the time.″

″I'm not talking about Luke,″ Jay smirked, giving his brother a little wink and only now the scales seemed to fall from his eyes.

″No way,″ Will smiled brightly, disbelief written across his face. ″Erin is pregnant again?!″

″Yes,″ Jay confirmed. ″Erin is pregnant and there's another Halstead coming around Thanksgiving.″

″Wow,″ Will breathed out. ″That's a real surprise,″ he shook his head. ″What happened to you guys not knowing whether you even want a second child?″

″Well, this turned into us deciding to try for a second,″ Jay chuckled.

″Seems like it was successful,″ Will laughed and pulled his little brother into a hug. ″Congrats Jay, I'm really happy for you and I can't wait to meet our new family member.″

″Me neither,″ Jay answered, his head traveling a couple of months forward and creating a picture of them all sitting around the table on Thanksgiving, Erin either still heavily pregnant and complaining how she was done being pregnant or her already holding their tiny newborn in her arms, those pictures making his heart almost jump out of his chest. Why did November have to be a lifetime away?

″Life's pretty sweet for both of us these days, isn't it?″ Will asked, eyeing his brother how his mind obviously was at some different place.

Jay looked at him, smiling as bright as a kid on Christmas morning before he clinked his bottle of beer with his brother's. ″Hell yes, it is.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _One week later_

No unsatisfied toddler crying woke Erin up on the 12th of April, her 33rd birthday, and instead she was able to sleep in, which was urgently needed since she was still battling against insomnia during the night. This and her craving for chocolate were the only bad symptoms during this pregnancy so far as no morning sickness dared to make her miserable and her mood swings seemed to decrease, though still there and making everyone roll their eyes from time to time when she snapped at them for no particular reason.

″Come on Emmy, let's go to mommy and tell her happy birthday,″ Jay whispered and Erin slowly opened her eyes by the hushed voice of her husband to see him walking into the room, holding Emmy's hand, their daughter walking next to him with a present in her other hand.

″Hey beautiful,″ Jay smiled when Erin's eyes fell on them and a bright smile spread across her face by this adorable sight of father and daughter.

″Hey,″ she smiled back and ran her hand through her messy hair.

″Mama,″ Emilia babbled excitedly and Jay helped her to climb onto the bed.

Before naturally all the attention would be on Emmy in a second, no matter that it was Erin's big day, he quickly sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned in to give her a long birthday kiss. He'd already told her happy birthday last night, when they'd started her birthday with a steaming hot round of making love just around midnight but there was no harm in telling her these words again. ″Happy birthday again, babe. May this new year give you a lot of sweet things,″ he smiled, stroking over her stomach – or rather the sheet that covered it - shortly.

″Mama,″ Emmy said once more, making sure that their little moment was cut short, which made them both laugh and they were glad that they'd had their big moment last night.

″Yes, it's mommy's birthday today, Em. Can you say that? Happy birthday, mommy,″ Jay asked her and ran his hand over her head.

″No no,″ Emmy answered and tried to unwrap the present instead.

″Hey bug, that's mommy's present,″ Jay laughed.

″No no,″ Emilia said her favorite word again.

″But you can totally help me with that,″ Erin smiled and adjusted her position so she could settle Emilia in her lap and unwrap the present with her. Meanwhile, Jay pulled back the curtains to let the sun inside the room and then settled on his side of the bed so they could later enjoy some birthday cuddles as just the three of them. Or four in fact.

He had the day off since Teddy would fly into Chicago later and they wanted to go to the zoo together to enjoy a family day in the spring sun and then in the evening, Jay would take Erin out for a special candle light dinner, with a boat out on Lake Michigan, which she of course had no idea about. Luke has been staying with Rylie since yesterday evening as Rylie would work the weekend and therefore had him for two days during the week, although this wasn't as convenient as she couldn't spend too much time with him because he had to go to preschool. And only on Saturday everyone would come to celebrate Erin's 33rd with them, making this the first barbeque and garden party of the season. It seemed like this was becoming a new tradidtion: them hosting the first barbeque on Erin's birthday and the last on Jay's birthday in September.

″What's that, Emmy?″ Erin asked once the present was unwrapped and a frame was revealed. The backside of a frame in fact. She turned it around, her eyes falling on a beautiful portrait of Jay and Emilia, Jay sitting on the grass cross-legged, Emilia sitting in his lap, the both of the smiling brightly, their blue eyes sparkling at her. And of course their faithful dog was lying next to them, looking as adorable as always. It was that kind of picture that could easily be used for catalogues or other advertisements because everything about it was perfect, almost magical.

″Wow,″ Erin whispered, swiping her fingers over her two loved ones and not being able to take her eyes away from these perfect two people that made her life so much better every single day. ″My whole world in one picture. Thank you,″ she smiled emotionally and moved towards Jay so she could give him a kiss.

″Next year your whole world will include another person,″ Jay smiled. ″But I had no idea about this when we went to take the pictures three weeks ago while you had to work late.″

″Yeah,″ she nodded somehow absently and her mind seemed to be at a different place. ″Three years ago, this was the worst day of my life and I never thought I could be truly happy on this day ever again because how should I when I lost a loved one on exactly that day?″ she said quietly and completely off-topic, her eyes traveling from Jay, to Emmy, her stomach and eventually the picture. ″But here I am, three years later, blessed with my husband, our daughter and our baby on the way and I don't think I've ever been happier and life has ever been sweeter,″ she smiled, tears looming in her eyes.

″This is what Nadia would've wanted for you: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. And cherish her memory and let it live on.″

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. ″Thank you, Jay. For this moment right now. For being here for me every single second of every single day. And for giving me our children. We've come a long way in the last three years and without you I could never be as happy now as Nadia would want me to be.″ She kissed him again, slowly and delicately and then snuggled closer to his side, Emmy for once not being a wild child and snuggling with them like an actual angel.

″I love you,″ she said as he wrapped his arm around her to pull her closer, Emilia basically lying on them so they could both cuddle with her at the same time.

″Me?″ Emmy asked. Another word to add to the list of words Emmy could say. This list grew longer by the week and Emilia talking was one of the most adorable things to witness. In addition, she was now also listening to orders, like when they said: _Can you bring me your shoes please?_ They were sure Emmy was understanding a whole lot already and slowly but steady her variety of words started to catch up on the things she already understood.

″Yes, you of course, too,″ Erin chuckled and tickled her belly. ″I'm sure you are the most loved person in this room, squirt.″

″Baby,″ Emmy babbled, throwing another word at them she's caught up on in the last few days ever since they used it quite often.

″And the baby bean as well, yes,″ Erin smiled, her hand traveling to her stomach to stroke over it lovingly. ″So much love in one room,″ she added and gazed up to Jay, who gave her this heart-eyed glance back and pressed a kiss against her head.

They stayed in bed for a little while longer, taking advantage of Emmy being all cuddly this morning and only when she started to get bored, Jay tickled her belly or made other nonsense with her, which made not only Emilia laugh and giggle hearitly but all of them. Last year, when Jay'd surprised her with a trip to Lake Geneva, she'd thought this – her first birthday as a mom - was her best birthday ever, but this morning was already the best start to make this one even better as nothing could beat lazy mornings in pajamas, their bedroom filled with Emilia's laughters and the thought that next year this time, they would have a five month old baby to join the fun.

Having breakfast downstairs later, Erin immediately discovered a second part of her birthday present, another heart-warming, stunning portrait of Emmy and Jay, a much bigger one, printed on canvas and already hung up on the wall where she could see it many times every day. In addition, Jay, her househusband, had of course already baked a cake for her this morning, proudly telling Erin how Emmy had helped him and how he'd managed to clean up the mess, that baking with kid naturally caused, before she woke up. They all enjoyed the chocolate cake with cherries, even Crispin getting a few pieces since Emmy spread the crumbles of her piece of cake all over the floor, looking like the chocolate monster itself once she was done.

They made it to the airport just in time to pick Teddy up, her brother being one of the few people who did not yet know about her pregnancy since she wanted to tell him in person.

″Teddy!″ Erin waved as soon as her eyes found her brother in between all the other people that had been on this or any other flight that had landed at O'Hare recently.

″Erin,″ Teddy called back, making his way through the crowd and wrapping her arms around her as soon as he was close enough. ″Happy birthday,″ he whispered and kissed her cheek. ″I hope all your wishes will come true in your new year of life.″

″Thank you, Ted,″ Erin grinned. ″I'm so happy you could make it.″

″I promised, remember?″ Teddy winked. ″And now let me say hi to my niece.″

″Say hi to your uncle Teddy,″ Jay, who was carrying Emmy, said to his daughter and bounced her a little.

″Geee Emmy, when did you grow up like this?″ Teddy asked the toddler, Emmy being a little shy and hiding her head against her father's shoulder. ″You never looked like such a big girl when we skyped,″ he said but Emmy was still not warming up. ″She doesn't really remember me, right?″

″Not right now, no,″ Jay confirmed. ″But she will come along, believe me.″

″I can't blame her. The last time I met her in person she was six months old, so that's totally my fault,″ he answered with a smile.

″Yeah that's quite a bit of time you two have to catch up on,″ Erin smiled.

″Exactly,″ Teddy agreed. ″Let's get going then.″

From the airport, they directly drove to the Lincoln Park Zoo, so they could spend the next couple of hours there now that Emilia was old enough to be mesmerized by all the different animals. The sun was shining as they walked through the zoo, everything around them slowly starting to get green and some flowers already blossoming in all their different colors, all the little baby animals that had been born within the last days and weeks, melting their hearts with their cuteness and clumsiness.

″Hey Emmy, not so fast,″ Erin laughed when Emilia tried to run away and took off after her to pick her up from behind and swirl her through the air.

″Seeing Erin like this still gives me the chills,″ Teddy smiled as he watched his sister and niece laugh in a way that it could cure the world from all the bad things. He was walking next to Jay, who was pushing the stroller that Emmy most of the time didn't want to sit in. Once their little one got tired, this thing would save the day though. ″She's so happy and it's so pure and so real and just beautiful to see.″

″Yeah, these are the days,″ Jay grinned.

″Hey Ted, Jay,″ Erin waved. ″Emmy wants to see the baby goats, come on!″

″We're coming!″ Teddy called back, being sure that actually Erin was the one who wanted to see the little goats.

The children's zoo, where she could feed and stroke the goats and sheep and a shetland pony, was _the_ highlight for Emmy and she was squeeking and babbling like crazy when her hands touched the soft fur or one of the cheeky goats gave her a little nudge.

″These two are my world,″ Erin said as she and Teddy watched Jay and Emmy surrounded by a herd of goats. Jay was kneeling on the ground, one arm wrapped around Emmy, his other hand making sure that she didn't accidentially put her little hands into the animal's mouth.

″I bet you're theirs as well,″ Teddy noticed the obvious.

″I hope so,″ she joked and then turned her attention away from her two favorites to her brother. ″You should come here more often. It's nice to have you here.″

″I enjoy being here. And right now I wonder whether it was a mistake to ever go to California. Not because I'm not happy there but because I'm so involved there that I don't want to leave and feel obligated to stay at all times. It feels great to be needed in such a way but at the same time, being so involved keeps me from spending more time with you.″

″California wasn't a mistake, Ted. You are the best thing that's happened to those kids and what you do there is so important that it makes it easier to accept the fact that we don't see each other as often,″ Erin said. ″And hey, maybe if we plan it early enough, we can meet more often? Like for example...Thanksgiving,″ she smiled.

″Thanksgiving?″ Teddy echoed. ″That's seven months away. I don't plan that far ahead,″ he laughed.

″What if I would give you a very good and special reason to plan that far ahead?″ Erin winked.

″What would that be?″ he asked curiously.

″Huh,″ Erin smirked mischievously. ″How about you becoming an uncle again around 22 November?″

″Erin, are you telling me that you're pregant? Is that what you're saying?″ he beamed and just like everyone else he had disbelief written all over his face. It seemed like no one, absolutely no one, had ever thought about the possibility of them adding another baby to their brood so soon.

″Yes,″ Erin nodded. ″That's exactly what I'm saying.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

With Teddy taking care of Emmy in the evening, Erin and Jay could fully enjoy their date night and the special gourmet candle light dinner Jay had organized for her birthday. The boat brought them out on Lake Michigan so they had a dazzling view on the skyline of their hometown, the sunset showing Chicago off in a very special light tonight, and they enjoyed one of the best meals they've ever eaten, Jay drinking wine along with his food while Erin sticked to water. Water that has never tasted better. Between their main course and dessert, they had enough time to go outside to have a little dance on deck, the enlightened skyline sparkling in the distance as they moved slowly and exchanged tenderness to _Perfect,_ no other song fitting this evening better as it was all kinds of perfect and unforgettable.

Just like any other day, this evening of Erin's 33rd birthday, of being absolute lovebirds, of celebrating her special day as just the two of them, was over in the blink of an eye and reality already had them back on the following day, when Jay returned to work and Erin stayed home because Teddy was only in town for four days and she wanted to make the most of this time, not knowing when was the next time she would see her little brother and was able to spend some quality time with him again since his schedule was as crazy as hers.

They went to downtown and Navy Pier in the morning, Emmy having countless rides on the carousel with both, her mother and her uncle, and she simply couldn't get enough, and when they decided to leave the place, lots of big crocodile tears were shed accompanied by some unsatisfied screaming. Erin handled the situation just fine, she was used to it after all, and they went to downtown where they stopped by the Disney Store so Teddy could buy his niece a new toy in this children's paradise, no later than now the ice definitely broken between the two and the carousel was long forgotten.

In the afternoon, they picked Luke up from preschool and after a trip to the grocery store to buy all the things they needed for dinner and the party tomorrow – the grocery store once again providing to be the place for both, Emmy and Luke to throw a tantrum because Emmy didn't want to sit in the cart and Luke didn't get what he wanted - they spent the rest of the afternoon in the backyard with building sand castles or sand race tracks for the monster trucks in the big sandbox under the tree, that slowly started to get green, or seesawed with these two rascals that never offered them a dull minute.

″Seriously, how do you do that?″ Teddy asked when they sat down on the steps for a moment, watching the two kids running through the garden squealing loudly, making sure the entire neighborhood knew that the Halstead kids were out and about, Emmy falling on her knees several times to give her jeans grass stains for eternity. ″These two are quite a handful and exhausting, aren't they?″

″They are for sure not the most quiet kids,″ Erin chuckled. ″And sometimes I'm more beat in the evening after a full day with them than after a day plus nightshift in the bullpen.″

″I can imagine,″ he laughed. ″Like earlier in the store...how did you manage to stay calm?″

″I guess I'm used to it,″ she said somewhat sarcastically but still with a smile. ″No seriously, it only gets worse when I freak out as well so I better stay calm and try to ignore the glances from the other people who look at me either like they want to kill me because my kids don't behave or with a whole lot of compassion because my kids are a total nightmare.″

″Sounds like quite the challenge,″ he noticed.

″It's not always easy,″ she admitted. ″But in the end of the day I might go to bed with no energy left but I also go to bed with a full heart and that's all that counts.″

″You must have some superpowers or something,″ he winked, giving her a little nudge.

″You know, I think every mom has them in some way,″ she smiled. ″Well, not every mom...″

Teddy looked at her knowing exactly what she meant, who she was referring to. ″Every mom that has her huge golden heart in the right place,″ he said. ″You've always had that. A golden heart,″ he smiled at the woman who'd raised him, at least for a couple of years and of course this made her cheeks blush. Compliments always made her cheeks blush and she couldn't do anything about it.

″Well Ted,″ she smirked. ″I guess one reason why I can handle the challenges these two face me with every day is that you were quite the pain in the neck as well.″

″They're for sure absolute angels compared to how I was,″ he laughed along with her.

″Luke reminds me a lot of you,″ Erin smiled. ″But in a positive way. And although I don't know how I was like as a baby I would think that Emmy is a lot like me, a total whirlwind,″ she chuckled. ″A queen of stubbornness,″ she added with a sigh.

Teddy reached for Erin's hand and squeezed it, a warm smile spreading across his face. ″You are the most amazing woman I know, Erin. You went through so much already but you always came out on top of it. You never stop fighting and you're always there for the people around you. As much that I sometimes wonder whether you would forget yourself if it wasn't for your husband to make sure that doesn't happen. So if Emmy grows up to be like you, she will be one amazing woman and everyone around her will be very lucky.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _One week later_

Erin was just finishing a report in the afternoon of this rainy Friday, doing all the paperwork for her colleagues being her main job now, when her work cell rang, an unknown number showing up. She reached for her phone with a sigh because she sensed that it had to do with their current case that was as brutal that she just wanted to turn back time to last Friday, when Emilia's tantrums had been the worst part of her day. Or to the weekend with her family. The birthday barbeque on Saturday had then been a big party to celebrate Erin's new year of life with almost all her loved ones, four kids, Luke, Owen, Emilia and Danny, running through the backyard while the adults tried to have conversations on the patio but were often interrupted by one of the kids's crying because they were fighting for toys. Teddy had returned to San Francisco on Sunday evening and since Tuesday, Intelligence has been faced with one of the hardest cases in months, one that needed to be solved but for the first time in a long time, it seemed like they weren't fast enough, the criminals always one step ahead of them, the unit not even close to find the real head of the snake.

″Erin Lindsay,″ she answered. Whenever she was at work, she only used her work cell, all calls to her private cell being transfered to this one, so her private phone could stay in the pocket of her jacket.

″Hey Erin, it's Maggie.″ Erin of course immediately recognized the voice of Chicago Med's head nurse and her heartrate doubled its pace as she wondered why the woman she called friend would call her on a Friday afternoon. She couldn't fight the feeling that the sweet life they'd lived in the last few days would come to an end soon. Rapidly in fact.

″Maggie,″ Erin breathed out nervously, her head already picturing scenarios where Luke had injured himself in preschool or any other catastrophe had happened to one of the people she cared about. ″What's going on?″

 _It's nothing bad. No worries, I'm just calling because...,_ this was what Erin hoped she would say, probably that it had to do with their case, but instead she confirmed Erin's apprehensions that what she had to say could change everything drastically.

″There was an incident with Rylie. You better come...″

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it. As always, reviews are very very appreciated :)**


	88. Say Something

**Hi there, thank you so much for all your feedback and sorry for the long wait once more. I'm just super busy these days, which of course also affects my writing :( I hope I'll be able to update more frequently again soon! I know exactly where I want to go with this story, so I just need to find more time, haha :)**

* * *

 **88\. Say Something**

″Rylie?″ Erin frowned slightly. This wasn't exactly what she'd expected but this didn't mean it made her any less nervous. After working at Med for almost six months already and even getting a scholarship, she hadn't thought she would get a call because of Rylie, the girl that has only shined there for the last couple of months and was everbody's darling. ″What happened?″

″I don't wanna tell you over the phone but something happened and it's not looking good for her, mainly because she doesn't want to talk, so we would appreciate you coming,″ she said and by the sound of her voice Erin knew it was urgent and that whatever Rylie had done was something serious that could cost her her job. And everything else she's worked so hard for in the past few months. It was a thought that made Erin's stomach turn.

″Alright,″ Erin swallowed, needing a moment to process those news. ″I'm on my way.″

″What's up?″ Jay asked as soon she hung up. He didn't like the look on her face and how some color seemed to have left, making her a little too pale for his liking.

″Something at Med with Rylie,″ she told him, her eyes full of concern for the young girl. ″I don't know anything else but it can't be good when they call me,″ she spoke out the obvious and grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair.

″You want me to come with?″ Jay asked, ready to jump up from his chair to join her.

″You need to solve that case as fast as you can and we both know that,″ she said, not exactly denying his help because of course she would feel better if he joined her, but being reasonable and telling him where he was needed more right now. ″But thank you,″ she smiled faintly.

″Call me when you know what's going on.″

″I will,″ Erin nodded and took the key for the Audi. ″I don't think I will come back afterwards but go and pick up the kids,″ she said and joined him by his desk.

″It will get late today again,″ he said and pressed a kiss against her forehead, wishing nothing more than that he could come back home at a decent time this evening because he sensed she would need him, because even without knowing any details, adopting Luke suddenly seemed to be a possibility again. And that possibility would change the whole game.

″I know,″ she answered with a sigh. He's worked late for the better part of the week and he would work late until this case was closed, with all the perps being where they belonged. ″I'll call you later,″ she promised once more, pecked his lips shortly and then turned around to leave, throwing a _see you_ at her colleagues as she walked towards the stairs and then disappeared.

On her way to Med she wondered whether it was really possible that Rylie was back to old habits now that she didn't live under their roof anymore and had more freedom to do what she wanted and could live to her own rules without supervision. But something inside of her yelled that Rylie wasn't as stupid to risk _everything._ The young girl she loved like a sister would never do something, that brought her plans of getting custody for her son back, in jeopardy. Not now, being closer than ever to make this dream come true. Not after so many months of being clean and happy. Not after she'd successfully managed to turn her life around. This was simply not a possibility. Or was it?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Arriving at Med, she ran into Dr Choi in the ED, who was obviously in the loop about the incident, and he told her to go to Goodwin's office where everyone was already waiting for her. With a unhealthy pounding heart she knocked on the big wooden door and then stepped into the light-flooded office, all eyes on her as she closed the door behind her. She didn't like the amount of people in the room. Next to Goodwin and Rylie, who sat on a chair and was nervously kneading her hands and fingers, Will stood in the corner with his arms crossed in front of his chest while April and Maggie stood by Goodwin's desk, their facial expressions telling nothing good.

″Mrs Halstead,″ Goodwin greeted her halfway through the room.

″Mrs Goodwin,″ Erin said and reached for Goodwin's hand to shake it, throwing the other people in the room a small nood. ″What's going on?″ she asked no one in particular but her eyes fell on the blonde girl who was the reason for her being here.

″We've got a problem,″ Goodwin said, her features stern. ″And since Rylie decided not to say anyhting until you're here, which doesn't make this any better if I might say so,″ she said, scolding Rylie with a glance that made Erin all nervous because it reminded her of her teachers back in highschool when they'd told her she'd messed up another test, ″I now let April explain first,″ she motioned her head to the young nurse who instantly nodded back.

The young woman started without hesitating. ″I was using our restroom earlier and someone in the cabin next to me dropped something. I reached for it since it was half in my cabin as I had the intention to push it back but when I saw what it was I changed my mind,″ she said, revealing a package of a certain white content and due to her choice of words Erin knew it wasn't dextrose or sugar or any other harmless stuff. Instead, she knew _exactly_ what it was. And this knowledge made her stomach turn yet again. ″I expected to find some junkie, who'd broken the lock and sneaked into our restroom to get a fix because this sometimes happens but instead I found someone else.″ Her eyes fell on Rylie and Erin could see the disappointment on April's face although her own world was somehow crashing down in front of her right now, all those scenarios she'd earlier thought couldn't be possible, coming true. They'd found Rylie in the restroom with a package of coke. She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. And something told her there was more to the story and that she shouldn't jump on conclusions before knowing what Rylie had to say about it. But she couldn't help the feeling of hurt and anger settle in her stomach anyway because she somehow felt betrayed.

″Erin, I can explain that. It's not what it looks like,″ Rylie said, looking at her role-model with wide, panicked eyes. ″Can I talk with you for a minute, please?″ she pleaded.

Erin had to inhale a deep breath to keep herself under control, wondering whether this was just a sick nightmare or really happening. ″You talk with all of us. Right now.″ Her voice was strong and strict and she was able to hide the hurt caused by the possible breach of trust away but not her anger. ″And you better give us the best damn explanation you've ever given someone!″

″Erin, please!″ she pleaded once more, tears brimming in her grey eyes. ″You need to hear me out.″

″Start talking. Now. We're _all_ waiting to hear you out,″ she said once more, knowing that the situation didn't change for the better the longer Rylie insisted on talking to her first because her request made it seem like she had indeed something to hide.

Rylie lowered her head by Erin's words, realizing that she wouldn't get the chance to talk to her before, and gazed at her hands, that she still somehow abused, as she started to tell her version of the story hesitantly. ″You remember the patient from this morning? The one with the bike accident?″ she asked, looking from April and Maggie to Will.

″Yeah, the girl that got hit by a car and is in a coma now,″ Will nodded. ″Samantha Miller. What does she have to do with it?″

″I know her,″ Rylie admitted. ″She's been joining my meetings since February,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath as if it gave her confidence. ″When someone joins, they have to tell their story so everyone knows where they come from. Sam...she's been through it all. Coke, heroin, you name it, she at some point used it. She also dealt with it because her dealer had her boxed in really bad and when she got arrested and she only got probation, this was the point where she decided to turn her life around because when cops would find her with drugs one more time it meant jail,″ she told them and even without knowing the whole story Erin sensed to know where this was going. ″She was determined to make this work but it was hard because she doesn't have the support system I have,″ she said and looked at all of them, all of these people that have become her support system, that have helped her out. ″And then she was brought in this morning. I didn't recognize her at first because her face was so bruised and when I looked for her credentials, I found the coke in her jacket along with her ID and knowing what it would mean for her, I took it. To make it disappear by flushing it down the toilet but I didn't find the time until a couple of hours later. I _never_ opened the package nor did I _ever_ have the intention to keep it!″

At first, it was silent, as everyone considered her story and then Goodwin asked the obvious: ″Why didn't you simply tell us? Why did you want to wait for Mrs Halstead?″

″Because I didn't want Sam to get into trouble,″ Rylie answered right away. ″Now that you all know, there will be consequences for her and I thought if I talked to Erin first, it would change things.″ Unfortunately, that was a bit weak of an answer that made her almost look stupid and naive but at the same time it showed what a big heart she had.

″How do we know that this was the only package and there's not another one somewhere that you managed to hide?″ April asked the question she had to ask, not commenting her story and answers any further.

″I'm a couple months away from my highschool diploma and a couple of weeks from getting my son back. And I would never be as stupid to risk that!″ Rylie called furiously.

″Yet, here we are and you did exactly that,″ April mentioned.

″I just wanted to help someone I knew would be in trouble! Sam's a nice girl, it's just super hard for her because she's all alone,″ Rylie said, Erin being the quiet listener to study Rylie's behavior, body language and answers. And because she honestly didn't know what to say although she believed her, although she knew Rylie was telling the truth. ″Search my locker, do a drug test, do whatever you need to do but I'm clean and I didn't take any of this shit for myself. I'm not that person anymore and I thought you guys would know that!″

″Ry,″ Erin said calmly to keep the tensed atmosphere in the room under control. ″They're just doing their jobs and deal with the facts they have. And you gotta admit that at first sight, this didn't look good for you. An ex-drug-addict with a package of coke in the restroom, that on top of all is denying to talk.″

″Yeah, and of course this means I'm back to old habits,″ she snorted. ″What about the benefit of the doubt?″

″Rylie,″ Will chimed in. ″Your reasons were noble but you covered-up a crime. Which is a crime itself,″ he said, his choice of words showing that he believed her version of the story as well. ″And you should've known that stealing the drugs doesn't help anything because a blood test on Sam can figure this out in a minute.″

″But not being clean would probably reduce her sentence while possession would mean jail,″ Rylie said quietly. ″And anyway, I don't think she took them herself. I think she just dealt with them to pay off her debt, so she can start all over once she's out of all that.″

″We don't have the results back yet but it doesn't change the fact that you stole drugs,″ Will said matter-of-factly.

″I didn't steal them! I took them to make them disappear!″

″Unfortunately there's not much of a difference,″ Goodwin mentioned and it was clear that she was also convinced that Rylie was telling the truth.

″Mrs Goodwin,″ Erin looked at the older woman, trying to save the situation because beyond her own anger about Rylie being as stupid and making such a reckless, wrongheaded decision, that still made her blood boil, she needed to bail Rylie out to save her future. And she knew that what she was about to say had to be damn good to convince them that Rylie deserved to walk out of this without any big consequences that could cost her everything.

″I think we can all agree on the fact that what Rylie did was immensely stupid. But she dealt with the situation in the moment, not thinking it properly through because she just wanted to help a girl she knows would be in huge trouble. She might not have thought about the consequences that it could bring herself in a whole lot of trouble, but that's what people do in the heat of the moment, when their heart makes a decision instead of their brain. I think we've all been there because that's what we all regularly do: we help people. Sometimes in the right way. Sometimes in an unorthodox way. Sometimes in a stupid way. But never in a wrong way. Because there's no wrong way when it comes to helping people.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Say something,″ Rylie said meekly after minutes of unbearable silence in the car as Erin drove to Carol's place to pick Emilia and Luke up. It was easy to say that the atmosphere in the car was more than just a little tensed since Erin was giving her the silent treatment and Rylie so far hadn't dared to say something.

″Believe me, you don't wanna know what's on the tip of my tongue right now,″ Erin snapped. It had taken her a lot of self-control to not yell at the young girl as soon as they'd left the hospital a couple of minutes ago.

″But in there you were basically on my side,″ Rylie called.

″Well, the situation didn't leave me a choice, right? I had to be on your side to bail you out but that doesn't mean I'm in any way okay with what you did,″ Erin noticed dryly. ″You made different mistakes here and you can call yourself lucky that all these people have a heart of gold that makes them disregard any consequences.″

″Different mistakes?″ Rylie asked.

″Yes, different mistakes,″ Erin nodded. ″The first one would be taking the coke at all. The second one would be not calling me instantly when you found the coke. Do you really think I would've booked Sam for possession of coke when you told me her story? Don't you think I would have helped her? Instead of calling me you carry it around in your pocket for hours.″ Erin shook her head in disbelief, her voice rising with every word that left her mouth. ″You just risked everything you've worked so hard for these last few months. Everything.″

″But it was the right thing to do,″ Rylie still defended herself.

″If that's still what you think then you haven't learned a bit,″ Erin argued, letting out a breath of anger. ″Without Will, Maggie, April and Goodwin being the kind people they are,″ - _and me giving them quite the speech about help and how we all sometimes do the wrong thing while we mean to do the right thing,_ she thought - ″you would've lost your job over this and would deal with the police yourself now. Luke would permanently stay with us and you would never get him back. That's what you put on the line in the moment you thought you're doing the right thing!″ Her voice was still louder and more furious than usual and she still tried to suppress the urge to yell at her. ″You can't heal the world, Rylie!″

″But you can?″ Rylie fired back. ″Erin, that's basically what you've been teaching me ever since I lived with you. That's what you try to do every day.″

″Because it's my job.″

″So I'm just a job?″

″Of course you're not and if you don't know better than that I can't help you,″ Erin said, finally pulling over and stopping the engine before they would end up being involved in some accident as Erin was more focussed on Rylie than the road. ″You are like a little sister and one of my best friends and I can't imagine losing you. But there's a likelihood that this would happen if you lost the prospect of getting Luke back. You only have this one chance and you were so close to throwing it all away. So close,″ she told her, showing her the tiny margin with her fingers. ″You have to make smarter choices and consider all the facts before you do something, which I know is difficult because you're just like me and follow your heart. But you can't heal the world, Ry. Not yet.″ Her voice and her features softened toward the end and she reached out the squeeze the blonde girl's hand.

″Will I ever leave this reputation behind?″ she asked weakly, some single tears falling down.

″Yes,″ Erin said emphatically and pulled her into a hug over the console. ″Yes you will. And you are exactly that kind of person that will one day heal the world. Your time will come, believe me.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Of course Jay found Erin crumbled into a ball on the couch when he came home that night. Of course she'd once again tried to stay awake until he would come home. Of course it was as late that at some point she hadn't been able to fight the battle against tiredness anymore. Of course she woke up as soon as he approached her to pick her up into his arms and carry her to the bedroom because they had this strange but beautiful connection, always feeling when the other one was there.

″Hey,″ she murmured sleepily, making out his silhouette in the dark.

″Hey,″ he said and sat down next to her, not forgetting to lean down and kiss her forehead gently. ″I was hoping I would find you in bed, sleeping off the stress of the day,″ he said meaningfully, the concern obvious in his voice because of course he was concered that the impact of today's stress could be bad for the baby she was carrying under her heart.

″I was watching a movie with Rylie earlier and when she went to bed, I didn't feel tired at all but I guess at some point it just hit me,″ she smiled weakly.

″So Rylie is here?″

″Yeah, it was better for her not to be alone tonight,″ Erin said. ″And maybe it was better for me, too,″ she admitted. ″Otherwise I would've thought too much about how fragile everything still is, how she makes one wrong move that has the magnitude to change the game for all of us. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have a problem with adopting Luke, even now with the baby,″ she said and placed her hand on her stomach, caressing it gently with the tips of her fingers. ″I just know what would happen to Rylie then and this thought scares me.″

″Yeah, I know,″ Jay only nodded and kissed her temple.

″I hate to admit it but I'm proud of her, Jay,″ she said quietly, speaking those words out loud for the first time. ″What she did was stupid but she is a recovered drug-addict who took the coke with the only intention to flush it down the toilet which means she really made it. And in the end of the day, her actions just show her huge golden heart that I saw the minute I got to know her better. She now just has to learn to control it, you know, like some super hero that has to learn to control their superpowers.″

″And then one day, she will be just like you. A human super hero that's always there for everyone, giving her heart to make everything alright,″ Jay agreed, a whole lot of pride reflecting from his heart-eyes. ″Talking about making everything alright: how did you even manage to bail her out of that without any consequences?″ he asked what he's been wondering for hours now since their phone call earlier had to be cut short.

″I gave quite the epic speech,″ she chuckled and quickly repeated what she'd told them, her words definitely being one of the main reasons why Rylie's gotten off with a slap on the wrist. ″I think once they knew the story they all realized that what Rylie did was noble yet stupid but that her heart's in the right place and when I tried to explain her actions by defining the different meanings of help they realized that there are different ways of help but not such a thing as a wrong way. I think I reminded them that they all were there at some point, that they all did something stupid while thinking it was the right thing.″

″I know I told you this before but you are the most amazing woman to ever walk the earth,″ Jay smiled, meaning every word because his wife never ceased to amaze him. ″We are all so lucky to have you in our lives.″

″You know, the person I am, I'm mainly because of all the amazing people that surround me,″ she smiled at him. ″So I guess I'm pretty lucky, too.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

 _One week later_

″I can't believe it's only one more week and your first trimester is already over again,″ Jay smiled on Sunday morning by the end of April as they lay in their bed enjoying the silence of the early morning hours, and he pulled her closer to his body from behind, his hand resting on her still flat abdomen.

″I can't believe I'm eleven weeks and there still has been no morning sickness at all,″ Erin chuckled and laced her fingers through his.

″Don't jinx it,″ Jay laughed and kissed her hair.

″I don't think there will be any,″ she said. ″I mean, not even any sweet smell in the morning can turn my stomach this time and last time only the thought of waffles in the morning made me run to the toilet.″

″That's maybe because you crave the sweet and unhealthy this time,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, I have to control that but I see chocolate and just want it,″ she sighed. ″Those strawberries with Emmy were way healthier and better.″

″We could try that later in the park,″ he smiled. ″I guess I can make it happen to pack some strawberries into our picnic basket, so maybe once the baby tasted them, it craves for them, too.″

A picnic in the park with Luke and Emilia was their plan to spend this sunny Sunday and it was a couple of hours later that they found a perfect spot in a nearby park and settled on two blankets under a tree, the stroller as usual not occupied by Emmy but loaded with a huge bag of toys. They enjoyed a lazy Sunday afternoon in the sun, ate sandwiches and fruits and drank lime juice and water, played fetch with Crispin and soccer with Luke and Emilia or hide-and-seek in two teams. Everyone had a blast, this family downtime and not thinking about work or anything else urgently needed. Those were the days and the moments that gave them the power and strength to make it through heavy cases and that helped them to see things a little more relaxed when their little ones drove them nuts with tantrums.

″Anyone else wants ice cream?″ Jay asked when they all returned to the blankets after playing with the soccer ball.

″Yeeeeeeees,″ Luke beamed.

″What about you, Emmy? You want some ice cream?″ Erin asked her daughter and settled with her on the blanket.

″Yaah,″ she answered.

″Alright, then ice cream for Emmy as well,″ Jay smiled. ″What about you?″ he asked Erin.

″You aren't actually asking,″ she chuckled.

″No, I'm not,″ he laughed. ″You want strawberry?″ he teased, being sure to already know the answer.

″No, I guess I rather want chocolate,″ she smiled innocently.

″Then chocolate it is,″ he winked back and took Luke by the hand as the two of them went to buy some ice cream while Emilia and Erin started to build a tower with some plastic bowls.

The boys, how Erin called them, returned a little later, handing everyone a cone and soon Emilia's clothes and whole face were covered with vanilla ice cream, the sticky stuff everywhere but in her mouth although Erin held the cone for her.

″Is the baby satisfied now?″ Jay grinned at his wife who had her hands full with her own ice cream and Emmy's ice cream.

″The baby is super satisfied,″ Erin smiled, taking an extra big bite from her double chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips.

″Erin?″ Luke asked, his mouth almost too full to speak. ″How did the baby get in your tummy?″

By this question, spoken out ever so innocent and casual, Erin almost choked on her ice cream and for a second she was sure this was the last thing she would ever eat.

″Yes Erin, how did the baby get in your tummy?″ Jay mimicked his foster-son and laughed heartily. In fact, they've been waiting for this to come up and he found it hilarious that Luke had asked Erin and that now she had to tell him about the birds and the bees. If it was the other way around, his facial expression would probably resemble Erin's now because none of them had experience with telling a 5-year-old where babies came from. ″Say something,″ he cockily raised his eyebrows at her and in this moment she just wanted to kill him for how much he enjoyed this while she just wanted the ground to open and swallow her whole.

″Well,″ Erin cleared her throat. ″That's complicated.″

″Did you eat it?″ Luke asked with wide eyes when Erin didn't say anything.

″No Luke, I didn't eat it,″ she assured him instantly. ″Luke, babies are made...,″ she started, her mind still searching for the right words to explain this in a way that he would understand. ″When two adults love each other so so much, this love is able to create a baby inside the mommy's tummy.″ Was this the worst explanation ever or was it the worst explanation ever?

It was the worst explanation ever.

″But how can you create a baby in your tummy?″ he asked curiously. Maybe it was time to buy a book to explain how babies were made and that women neither eat them nor were they brought by the stork. ″And how does it get out?″

Somehow, Erin was more than thankful for the second question and she hoped by answering it, Luke would forget his other question. At least for now. ″The baby first has to grow for a couple more months and then, when it's ready to be with us, I have to go to the hospital to give birth to the baby and we will bring it home.″

″Huh,″ Luke answered. It seemed like he considered her answer and Erin was sure to see a thousand more questions on his face that indicated that he wasn't satisfied with this answer and wanted to know more. But the great thing about young children was that even though they had a lot of questions, they sometimes had other priorities. ″And then, when you bring it home, I can play with it?″

Erin let out a breath she didn't know she's been holding and her whole body seemed to relax. ″You have to be careful because it's really small but someday you can play with it.″

″Cool,″ Luke beamed and just like that he dedicated his attention back to his melting ice cream.

″We have to buy that book later,″ Erin murmured to Jay, her glance still almost putting him six feet under.

He only smirked in response because she was adorable when she was mad, especially when it was for a reason like this. ″Yep. I think going to the book store before going home isn't the worst idea.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

In the evening, they all had bedtime stories together in Luke's ever-existing fort, each of them having a kid in their lap as they took turns with reading from _The Little Prince._ They'd bought a _where-babies-come-from-book_ earlier but so far Luke hasn't asked his questions again and so the book would rest on the shelf and they would wait until this topic came up again, which they knew would happen as soon as Erin's stomach grew bigger to provide their growing baby the space it needed.

When Emmy fell asleep, Erin decided to tuck her in and go for a shower then while Jay naturally accepted Luke's request of reading a story from the pirate book, that he probably knew by heart now, doing all the voices, just as always. Luke had him wrapped around his finger almost as much as Emilia had and it was a real struggle to deny these cute kids anything, even if it was reading the same story with the same ending for the hundreth time.

It was just after Jay'd closed the door of Luke's room from the outside after finishing their bedtime stories for the night, when Erin called for him from the bathroom, her voice as panicked that it got right to his core, anxiety building up inside of him because he instantly knew something was wrong. ″Jay!″

He took off instantly and ran to the bathroom as she called for him again, only this time her voice was trembling and when he bursted through the door and then found her standing in the not running shower, he was pretty sure that this was how it felt when the heart stopped beating.

Blood ran down her thighs, joining a puddle that was already forming on the ground and for a moment it was dead silent.

His mouth was dry and he wasn't able to say any word of the english language as his eyes processed the picture in front of him, as his brain put two and two together into a picture his heart couldn't take.

″Say something.″ She didn't look at him, her voice was broken and barely a whisper but he could clearly hear the fear in it.

″I...I...″ he stammered, not being able to take his eyes away from the red liquid that gathered around her feet. ″I go and call Hank. We have to go to the hospital.″

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded absently and when their eyes finally met, Jay only found emptyness in them. Emptyness and grief. Grief for what they both deep down inside knew they'd just lost. ″It's gone.″ Her voice sounded so different that for a moment he was sure this was just some nightmare and someone would soon wake him up but her silent sob and the tears falling from her eyes made it all real.

″Hey Er,″ Jay said calmly, swallowing his emotions down as he approached her and carefully wrapped a towel around her. ″We don't know anything yet.″ He tried to make it sound like he still thought everything was alright in an attempt to protect himself from the heartbreaking truth, and he knew that their life as they knew it would spiral out of control in the next few hours.

″Jay, we know,″ she said ever so quiet and with a certainty in her voice that broke his shattered heart into even more pieces that he was sure it was beyond a point of repair.

Because yes, in fact, they did...


	89. Push The Pain Away

**89\. Push The Pain Away**

The OB/GYN on call at Chicago Med was the first to speak the word out loud. The word that shattered their world, that let the universe collide above them, that trapped the air in their lungs and made breathing unbelievably hard, that let a lump build up in their throats which threatened to choke them. A word that confirmed what they'd already known deep down inside: miscarriage. One simple word, yet a synoym for shattered dreams, broken hearts and an unimaginable amount of pain. They'd lost someone they'd never met, someone they'd never gotten the chance to meet, and yet the grief threatened to swallow them whole and this loss hurt in every fiber of their bodies. The baby that had been supposed to join them around Thanksgiving was gone. Forever. And all they had left was a picture from their first ultrasound and almost four weeks of bliss, anticipation, picturing a life with two under two and falling in love with the idea of expanding their family by this little human they created.

Erin had to tell the doctor what had happened but so far she was far from being able to understand it herself. She'd been fine all the way along, had never had one single cramp or any bleeding or anything else that indicated that something was wrong. Everything had gone smoothly. She'd taken care of herself, had avoided anything that could bring their baby's life in jeopardy. And then, while taking a shower, one cramp had hit her out of nowhere, one that had almost felt like a contraction, one that had made her double over and the next thing she'd seen while inhaling a couple of deep breaths was the blood running down her thighs. In this moment she'd already known that her body had rejected their baby for a reason they might never know.

Then the doctor talked about how one in five women went through this, how 15 to 20% of pregnancies ended in miscarriages without women doing anything wrong and that there was nothing Erin had to blame herself for, that it hadn't been her fault. It almost sounded like she had to tell women this every single day – and probably her job required her to do exactly this on a daily basis – but for Jay and Erin it just felt all sorts of insensitive to come up with statistics in an attempt to make them understand that this was a part of life. In the same sentence she also talked about that a miscarriage at 11 weeks was a rare thing but that it unfortunately happened, sometimes without any reason and even when everything looked perfectly fine at the first appointment. So here they were again, trying to understand, to make sense with what had happened and why but still struggling with getting any answers.

Neither Erin nor Jay really listened to what else they were told, only nodded their heads mechanically, hoping that they soon could go home, away from all the people who tried to comfort them with words they didn't want to hear, to hide in their bedroom and cry for the whole damn night. Cry about this little baby that had just slipped away under the shower earlier. Cry about this little person they hadn't known but had still loved with all their heart. Cry about losing a family member they'd never met in person but had still been a part of them.

In a final step, the doctor talked about a D&C Erin had to undergo, this twenty minute procedure being done under monitored anesthesia care, the doctor recommending Erin to stay for the night afterwards but she denied, only said that she wanted it to be done and go home as soon as possible, even if that meant she had to discharge herself. Jay didn't even argue. Not tonight.

He didn't want to leave her side, wanted to be there even though nothing could comfort her right now, but he wasn't allowed to hold her hand while the procedure was done and so he waited in the room they would bring her into afterwards, when everything was done and nothing from her pregnancy was left other than those memories of joy. For him, those twenty minutes felt like twenty hours and as he went to the restroom to throw some water in his face, his mind was processing how they went from being genuinely happy in the park this afternoon to losing their baby only a couple of hours later and he decided that all of this had to be one sick nightmare someone finally had to get him out of because he had the feeling he was falling. And that he would never stop.

The cold water didn't make things better, not that he'd really expected it to, and gazing at his own reflection in the mirror, he couldn't keep his tears at bay anymore as some sobs escaped from his trembling lips, the thought that there was no baby making them a family of four in November only settling now, a mixture of anger and grief and sadness and anguish and simply feeling lost making him punch his fist directly into the middle of the mirror, the glass shattering into a hundred pieces and ripping the skin on his knuckles open that caused a burning pain, blood dripping into the sink which made those pictures from earlier come up again. Those pictures of Erin standing in the shower with blood running down her thighs that would forever be burned in his head.

He reached for a paper towel to cover the wounds, the deep red blood leaking through instantly, and seeing his gaze in the broken mirror he yelled: ″Why?″ It was a question he would most probably never get an answer for.

″Why?″ he yelled once more before he slid down against the wall until he reached the floor, his arms wrapped around his knees and his head resting against them as he tried to cry the pain away. As heartwrenching sobs filled the silence of the restroom, those sobs making his whole body shake, and he let it all out so he could be strong for Erin later, could be her rock in the hours, days and weeks to come.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay was back by Erin's side when she woke up from the sedative cocktail they'd put her on and he covered her hand with his own to give her at least some kind of comfort even though this little gesture wasn't more than showing her that he was there. He wasn't sure whether she didn't see the cuts and the fresh blood on his knuckles or whether she simply ignored them as she didn't feel like asking but she didn't say anything about it. She didn't say anything in fact and neither did he. Because he knew that there were no words that could make her feel better. This time he couldn't fix this with words. Or with being there, by her side. Or with anything at all. There were no sweet gestures of comfort and love that could make this okay. Because it would never be okay. Not for her and not for him either.

He excused himself to the restroom when he suddenly realized that he hasn't called Hank so far and that not only Erin's father-figure was waiting for his call but that he also rather wanted to tell him over the phone than later in person, when Erin would stand next to him. In this moment he wished they would live on a lonely island where they didn't have to face anyone for days. Weeks even. Where they just could hide and mourn their loss for as long as they felt like it.

″Jay,″ Hank answered after only a couple of seconds.

″Hank...,″ he breathed out and inhaled deeply as if it could give him the courage to speak it out loud for the first time. It didn't. ″She had a m...-″ There it was but he wasn't able to let the word slip past his lips. ″They had to do...″ His voice broke again and in this moment he wasn't sure whether he would ever be able to talk about it.

″It's okay, Jay,″ Hank answered and his voice sounded almost soothing. Yet, he could hear the sadness and devastation in it anyway because of course Hank had lost this child as well, this child that should've been his fourth grandchild. ″Does she have to stay?″

″Uhm...no...she...we will come home soon,″ he stammered, running his hand through his hair and biting his lip to keep the tears back that threatened to fall again.

″Alright. I will be in the living room, so you can bring her upstairs and you don't have to see me if you don't feel like it,″ he said and then added: ″Jay, I know what you're going through right now, so if you ever need me, don't hesitate.″

Only now it clicked. That Hank had been there as well, at this exact same point he was at right now. Only that his father-in-law had been there several times because Camille Voight had lost more than one baby. The man on the other end of the phone knew exactly what he was going through right now, how helpless he felt witnessing a beloved person going through the most terrible experience a woman could endure. How he just wanted to yell, to scream and to cry to make the pain go away. Hank Voight knew all of that and somehow, beyond all the grief and anger and sadness he was thankful for that.

″Thank you,″ Jay said quietly, hoping that his boss could hear how much he meant it.

He hung up after that and going back to the sparse hospital room, he found Erin crying silently, her hands resting on her stomach that was no longer the home of Halstead number two and when their eyes met he was sure they had the saddest, most devastating expression he's ever seen.

″I'm sorry,″ she whispered almost inaudible and swallowed down a sob and for a second Jay was uncertain what she's apologizing for. Was she apologizing for crying or for losing the baby?

″There's nothing you have to be sorry for,″ Jay said immediately, no matter what she meant because there was no reason for her to apologize as none of this was her fault, and he rushed to her side to wrap his arms around her fragile frame. He expected her sob uncontrolledly, a monsoon of tears to let it all out, to somehow break down like he earlier had but if anything, the crying only faded.

″I just want to have our baby back,″ she whispered. For the second time today he knew how it felt when the heart stopped beating, or when it was breaking, or both at the same time, and it took everything for him not to start crying by her words. Instead, he pulled her closer and burried his face in her hair to hide the tears that were looming in his eyes.

″Me too,″ he murmured, not being sure whether his words had been loud enough for her to hear and only a couple of seconds later she pulled out of his embrace as if him holding her was suddenly burning her skin.

″I want to go home,″ she said and Jay took this as an explanation for the sudden end of finding comfort in each other's arms.

Little did he know that this had been the closest he would get to her for a while.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Arriving at their house in Beverly, Jay instantly guided Erin up the stairs and without saying anything or changing from her leggins and shirt into her pajamas, she crawled into their bed and pulled the comforter all the way over her head as if she was shielding herself from everything around her, including him.

Jay of course accepted it, he felt like hiding himself as well, and then went downstairs to exchange a couple of words with his father-in-law and thank him for coming over. They didn't exactly talk about what had happened as there was no need to speak any of those cruel words out loud, and Jay only said that Erin was on medical leave until she felt mentally up for work again though she should avoid any physical exertion for the next couple of days. Hank, who was shortly eyeing the nasty wounds on his hand but didn't say anything about it as he obviously came to his own conclusions how this must've happened, made sure to tell him that they should only come back to the bullpen when they _both_ felt ready for it and that although he knew any kind of distraction was appreciated, Jay needed to stay home with Erin tomorrow. Not that Jay had ever even played with the thought of leaving his wife alone at home on the following day and telling Hank exactly this, the older man pulled him into a hug, telling him that he hadn't expected anything else. He'd just wanted to make sure because he knew that soon enough the prospect of going to work and distracting himself with some chases and busts and firing his weapon would be more appealing than waiting for the walls to close in around him, the grief to eat him up and watching his wife suffer without being able to help her.

But Jay knew exactly where he needed to be. By Erin's side. Even though he realized she didn't want him to be close once he joined her in the bedroom as she was purposefully lying on the very edge of their bed, as far away from him as possible and no matter that he wanted nothing more than holding her close to his body, he accepted her silent request for space because he knew everyone handled grief differently. Unfortunately though, Erin has never been someone to handle grief well, has always been someone who walled herself off and retreated into her shell to deal with everything on her own, in a way that has seldomly been ideal, and as he lay down on his side of the bed, with this odd and unknown space between them, not only his grief and sadness threatened to swallow him but also the feeling that they'd lost more than their baby tonight.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Her side of the bed was abandoned and cold when Jay woke up on the following morning and it honestly didn't surprise him. His night had consisted of tossing and turning before he at some point had fallen into that kind of sleep that was characterized by nightmares and because of waking up quite often due to those cruel pictures that haunted him in his dreams, he knew Erin's night had consisted of _not_ tossing and turning so the space between them would stay the same and he wouldn't have the chance to pull her close.

It was her way of pushing the pain away and with it, she also pushed him away. Because it would hurt more if she allowed the pain to come close, if she allowed him to come close so they could cry about their baby together and so she protected herself by pushing everything away that would make her face the reality, that would make all the pain breaking through. Only that Jay knew for a fact that at some point the pain would break through anyway, the impact of that being one he didn't want to picture in his head as it made his stomach turn and he promised himself that he would give everthing to not let that happen.

It was something so much easier said than done.

With a sigh he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and before making his way downstairs, he checked on Emmy and Luke who were both still sleeping. Since it wasn't time for Luke to get up yet and there still was more than enough time until he had to be at preschool, he decided to let them both be in this dreamland of blissful unawareness for a little while longer and he wished that he could join them in their perfect little world that was only colorful and never black-and-white, could only for one minute be as unaware of all the drama and heartbreak as they were.

Jay found Erin in the kitchen, a huge knife in her hand as she cut fruits and eyeing the full bowl of fruit pieces next to the cutting board, he figured she's been doing this for a while, cutting every single banana, apple, strawberry, pear and peach their kitchen provided.

″Hey,″ he said carefully, not wanting to startle her when she worked with such a keen knife.

″Hey,″ she answered but neither did she turn around to face him nor did she set her knife aside, her gaze focussed on the fruit on the cutting board and the knife in her hand.

″What are you doing?″ he asked and closed the gap between them, being careful to leave a bit of space between them though because he didn't know how close she allowed him to come.

″Making fruit salad for breakfast,″ she shrugged and reached for the next pear although the amount of fruit salad was already ensuring that they didn't have to eat anything else than that in the next couple of days.

The knife slid through the fruit forcefully and cut it in little pieces, Jay watching Erin sternly but silently because right now he felt more lost than ever before, because he didn't know what to say and how to behave around her, and only when she reached for another peach, he found his voice again.

″That's enough, don't you think?″ he asked quietly but she ignored his remark completely, a gesture that made him feel even more helpless than he already was.

″Er,″ he whispered and closed the gap between them. He wrapped his hand around her wrist to make her set the knife aside and when he touched her skin, she startled like he was leaving brand marks on it.

″Fine,″ she breathed out without looking at him and pulled her hand back instantly so he couldn't touch her any longer. She set the knife aside and put the remaining uncut fruits back into the fruit bowl and Jay could see how desperately she tried to busy herself so she didn't have look at him or to talk with him, the coffee machine being the next target that could distract her from him. And everything else.

″I've been thinking,″ Jay said into the silence, finally finding the courage to talk about _it_ , because he didn't want to ignore it, because pretending that it never happened and pushing it away like Erin did would only lead to them never coming to terms with it. They had to face the pain. Together. Or it would at some point break them even more.

Once again Erin didn't react to his statement, was now rummaging through the cupboard to look for her favorite mug and so he blurted out what he's been dealing with since waking up from his last nightmare. ″I thought we could go to the garden shop today and buy a little tree that we plant in the garden to remember the b-″

″I'm going to work today,″ she stated before he could speak the word out loud that would hurt them both: _baby._ And although it shouldn't surprise him, this statement caught him off-guard.

″What?″ he uttered visibly confused.

″I'm going to work,″ she repeated her words. ″It's a normal Monday, Luke goes to preschool, Emmy goes to Carol's daycare and I go to work. It's not like there's anything that's holding me back from doing my job, right?″ There was challenge in her voice and he knew exactly what she was referring to. That no baby settled her behind a desk anymore.

″Erin,″ he sighed and approached her from behind. ″We have to face this and I thought planting a tree could help us to come to terms with it...sort of,″ he said ever so soft, placing his hands on her shoulders and kissing the back of her head.

″Don't,″ she whispered and stepped away from him as if she couldn't bear the closeness.

″I know that we will ask ourselves about the why forever and that it just fucking hurts but there's nothing we can do to push the pain away and-″

″Exactly,″ she interrupted him. ″There's nothing we can do. So I sure as hell don't want to plant a stupid tree!″ She threw those words at him and they hurt and when she looked at him for the first time, he saw the tears looming in her eyes. Tears she didn't let fall. Because she skillfully pushed the pain away until it would come back and haunt her, hit her with full force, at some point. He just wanted to pull her close to his body and hold her until she wouldn't be able to hold her tears back any longer, so she would finally really break but she stormed out of the kitchen before he could do so and the next thing he heard was how she closed the door from the outside.

She was running away.

Again.

And this time he couldn't make her stay.

The realization that he'd probably pushed her too hard only settled then.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

How did you tell a five-year-old that the baby, you'd just yesterday happily talked about, was gone? This was the question that was swirling through Jay's head when he walked into Luke's room to wake him up. He didn't actually want to tell him but he had to because he couldn't risk Luke saying anything about the baby during breakfast or at any other time while everything was still as fragile and painful as it was right now.

He pulled the curtains back to let some light into the room and then sat down on the edge of Luke's bed. ″Hey Lukey, wake up,″ he said and stroked over the boy's head lovingly.

His eyes slowly fluttered open and his hands wandered to his eyes to rub the sleep out of them. ″I want to sleep,″ he yawned and sat up.

″I know you do,″ Jay answered and tried to smile.

Luke tilted his head to the side and for a moment Jay had the feeling that the young boy could look right through him, right into his soul. ″You look sad.″

His heart dropped to his knees and he had to swallow a sudden lump in his throat by this statement and exhaled deeply before he could even answer anything. ″You know Luke, I am,″ he admitted.

″Why?″ Luke asked.

″You remember how you were super sad when Ty went to heaven so he can look down and protect you from above?″

″Yes,″ he nodded. ″He's my guardian angel now.″

″He is,″ Jay agreed. ″Last night, the baby Erin and I were expecting went to heaven as well and that's why I'm sad.″

″So it is a guardian angel now as well?″ Luke asked, his voice softer than usual and his innocent voice combined with his choice of words pulled on his heartstrings in a way that he wasn't sure whether he could hold his tears back this time as well.

″Yes Luke, the baby is a guardian angel now as well, looking down on us from above and making sure that nothing happens to us. It had to serve a bigger purpose,″ he told him, his voice cracking and his heart breaking into even more pieces. ″But we're of course sad because we wanted to have the baby here with us. And Erin is probably even sadder than I am because the baby isn't in her tummy anymore, so we all have to be super nice and super supporting, okay Luke?″

″Okay,″ he nodded.

″Good,″ Jay said and tried to smile once more. ″And you have to promise me one more thing, please. Don't mention the baby in front of Erin within the next couple of days.″

″Pinky promise,″ Luke said without hesitation and offered him his pinky finger.

″Pinky promise,″ Jay echoed and pulled the little boy into a hug, Luke wrapping his hand around Jay's waist and hiding his head against his chest. ″Thank you.″

″Jay,″ Luke whispered. ″You don't have to be sad. The baby is with Ty now and it will have a lot of fun with him because Ty has the best jokes. He takes care of the baby now.″

And that's when the tears came.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Telling Luke had been easy compared to telling Emmy because other than the five-year-old, the 15-month-old didn't understand what he was talking about and so he couldn't tell her that she should stop using the word baby all the time. Eventually it would happen anyway, that she would use the word when Erin was around. This was something he couldn't protect his wife from and he could only hope that Emmy would stop using the word because they stopped using it now as well.

″Mama,″ Emilia said when Jay picked her up from the crib and pressed her against his body, holding onto the baby they already had and inhaling her unique, soothing scent while still mourning the loss the of the baby they would never meet.

″Mommy's not here, Emmy and I don't actually know where she is,″ he sighed and pressed a kiss against her head.

″Mommy no?″ Emilia asked.

″Yes, Mommy's not here. But she will be back soon and until then you have to bear with me, okay?″ he asked and let her fly over his head, her hearty laughters being pure heart-balm, those joyous noises from his daughter bringing pieces of his shattered heart back together again and for the first time in hours he felt slightly better. Maybe this little sunshine was all they needed. At least for starters what they already had, this beautiful, perfect little girl, could maybe help to console them for what they've lost.

He brought her down into his arms again and kissed her rosy cheeks. ″Daddy loves you.″

″Dada luv,″ Emilia smiled at her father with this dimpled smile she'd inherrited from her mother. This smile he right now more than ever feared to not see on Erin's face again for a very long time.

He changed Emilia's diaper and changed her outfit into some leggins, socks and a shirt as well, and then checked on Luke to see whether he's already changed into his clothes for preschool all by himself. Once he'd helped Luke with his struggles to pull his shirt over his head the right way around, they went downstairs to eat Erin's fruit salad for breakfast, these usual morning routines giving the day a little bit of normality.

While Luke was eating his fruit salad and sipping on his mug with milk and Emmy was making a mess with the fruits on her tray after starting to eat with a spoon but then getting impatient and switching to her fingers, Jay typed a quick text to all the people who'd known about Erin's pregnancy, like Teddy, Susan and Michael, Liv, Izzie, Nick, Will and Natalie, Rylie and Robert, to inform them that they'd lost the baby yesterday. Pressing _send_ was one of the hardest things to do, and his thumb hesitated over the button for minutes, but texting them was easier than calling them, having to chat with them and getting words of consolation. He couldn't take this, hearing the hearts of all their beloved people breaking for them.

By the time he had to bring Luke to preschool, Erin still hasn't returned from wherever she'd run off to and an uneasy feeling settled in his stomach when he thought about all the possible places where she could be. Those places that provided the stuff that helped to push the pain away like nothing else. He'd never thought they would come close to this point again. To that point where he had to fear that she drowned her feelings in alcohol because it made her numb to everything. But right now he couldn't fight this thought, of Erin sitting in some shabby bar and pouring one shot after the other, from creeping into his head. And damn made it him feel bad and guilty to even consider something like that, to suspect her of doing something she hasn't done in years and she under normal circumstances would never do. Unfortunately were their current circumstances far from being normal.

When he returned home after dropping Luke off, he found out pretty fast that all his worries were for nothing as he found Erin sleeping in their bedroom, all cocooned up into her blanket. Of course this didn't mean she hadn't been at some dark place and was now sleeping the aftermath off but at least she was neither at work nor any other place she shouldn't be today. She was home where she was safe and where he could keep an eye on her, where he could be there for her. If only she let him.

Jay found solace in spending time with Emilia, in building sand castles with her, in seesawing together, in running after her and swirling her through the air, in playing with lego bricks and stuffed animlas and in listening to her babbling when she tried to tell him a story. He found solace in watching her and Crispin play while he prepared lunch, this inseparable duo letting his lips curve into a smile because even though he still felt completely broken and lost, these two could always make him smile by simply being darn adorable. And he found solace when suddenly his brother stood in front of the door.

″I'm so sorry, Jay,″ Will said, his features absolutely devastated, and he pulled his little brother into a hug that Jay hadn't known he needed. He held onto Will's shirt frantically as if it could make the pain go away and let the tears fall, his sobs being the most heartbreaking sounds Will has ever heard.

They stood there in the hallway, neither saying a word until Jay's crying faded and he pulled out of Will's embrace. ″Thank you,″ he said quietly, looking at his older brother with tear-stained eyes.

″For what?″ Will asked, his expression softer than ever.

″Being here,″ he shrugged. ″I didn't think I needed anyone here but I'm glad you stopped by.″

″Whenever you need me, Jay,″ Will answered, giving him a pat on the back.

″I appreciate it,″ Jay said and tried to smile but smiling still didn't come easily. ″You wanna stay for lunch? I made some risotto.″

″Thanks for the offer but I don't think I should,″ Will declined. ″You and Erin are probably not ready to have anyone here.″

″Erin's not here, so come on,″ Jay said, avoiding his brother's gaze and pushing him into the direction of the kitchen before Will could argue.

″Where's she?″ he frowned, watching his brother taking another plate from the cupboard.

″I...I don't know,″ he admitted quietly and with a bit of embarrasment in his voice. ″She left like an hour ago without saying anything.″ He didn't tell his brother that Erin hadn't even said goodbye, that he'd only discovered that she was gone because he'd wanted to check on her, had wanted to make another attempt to make them face their loss or at least to motivate her to spend some healing time with Emmy. But she'd sneaked out of the house while he'd been in the backyard with Emmy and she hadn't left a single note where she was off to or when she would come back.

″Where do you think she is?″

″Huh,″ Jay only shrugged his shoulders once more. ″What I hope? Camille's grave. What I fear?″ He looked at his brother but didn't speak his fears out loud.

Will understood the unspoken anyway. ″She wouldn't go back down that rabbit hole,″ he said emphatically.

″That's what I hope,″ Jay said quietly and set the plate on the table, his eyes then travelling to Emilia and Crispin in the living room and somehow watching his daughter and their dog playing together innocently and peacefully made him open up to his brother a little more. ″You know Will, I could cry about it all the time because it just simply hurts so much. But Erin...other than this short moment last night in the hospital, she hasn't cried. She plays strong and pushes everything away that has to do with it. The pain. And me.″

″Jay, what she went through...women handle it differently...some can talk about it and some find comfort in Isolation... so maybe she just needs time,″ Will said, trying to explain his sister-in-law's behavior. ″Grief and loss are weird things and everyone has a different way to deal with it.″

″This might be true. I probably pushed her too hard this morning,″ Jay admitted, finally speaking the concerns, that have worried him since this morning, out loud. ″But the last time she acted exactly like this was after Nadia died and back then she went down such a dark path that I thought I'd lost her forever.″

This time, there was nothing Will could say and Jay's statement hovered above them like a big, dark cloud.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Suddenly, time didn't seem to fly anymore and every day went by agonizingly slow, as if whoever was in charge for time wanted to torture them even more. After this first day at home, when Erin returned home in the early evening and Jay with relief didn't recognize any smell of alcohol coming from her breath or saw any other indications that she'd distracted herself with other things that could take the pain away, they both went back to work and the days that followed passed by in slow-motion with everything being far from normal. There was a new normal in fact. A normal that consisted of Erin avoiding Jay, almost as if they lived two seperate lives now and the only thing they seemed to have in common were Emilia and Luke, the latter only days away from moving back in with his mother.

They barely ever talked, and Erin skillfully blocked every attempt of Jay trying to have a conversation about something else than the kids or work by leaving the room or cutting him off. She was shutting their communication lines down whenever Jay thought it was a good time to talk about their feelings and emotions. She kept on dealing with everything on her own, like she was the only one suffering. She still slept on the very edge of the bed every night and Jay literally waited for the day she would sleep in the guest room downstairs rather than sharing a bed with him. At some point he didn't know anymore when was the last time he'd touched her or kissed her. Or had seen her smile. Her famous smile was gone, razed out from her face and Jay's scared that the woman he loved more than anything else was gone, too.

She walled herself off in every possible way and even Rylie or Kim, her best friends, couldn't come close to her. It was like she was living in her own world. A world where she didn't communicate unless she had to, didn't attend the zumba class anymore because she rather hid in their bedroom to isolate herself and did barely ever eat. A world where she was beyond all that still a loving mother to her daughter and her foster-son and a badass cop. These were about the only things that still gave Jay hope that someday, everything would be fine again, that he'd not completely lost her and she was still there somehow.

All he wanted to do was helping her, being there for her but she kept on pushing him away, living in this new normality of isolation like it's always been like this, like they'd never lived in a normality close to perfection.

In the bullpen, everyone was walking around on eggshells and of course fate wanted to stab the knife even deeper in their hearts when they were faced with a case that provided them a pregnant suspect around four weeks after Erin's pregnancy had ended suddenly. It was the end of May, a month with spring at its peak, a month that should've been about their romantic trip to Mackinac Island and about the Halstead-Taylor family welcoming a new member and celebrating the arrival of Hannah Rose Taylor, Nick's and Lydia's second baby. Jay had been happy when he received the message with a couple of photos but he couldn't help but feel like he was getting stabbed in the heart by seeing the photos of the newborn girl and by Mylo proudly holding his new baby sister as his stupid brain automatically pictured Emmy with her new sibling. Her brother or sister that had slipped away under the shower four weeks back and that she wouldn't get this coming November. And probably never.

″Erin, you shouldn't do this interrogation,″ Antonio mentioned on said day, when their suspect turned out to be a 7-months pregnant woman.

″Why not?″ she asked back, stopping in her tracks on the way to the interrogation room, challenge in her voice and fire in her eyes that could easily burn down the entire precinct.

″Come on Linds, you know why,″ Kevin said calmly.

They all just wanted to protect her. And it was sweet. But Jay knew it was the complete wrong thing to do although he also didn't think that Erin doing the interrogation was a brilliant idea.

″Because she's pregnant?″ she asked and Jay could see her flinch by speaking the word out loud. She'd flinched and quickly turned her head away when he'd shown her the pictures of Hannah. On the rare occasions they'd been grocery shopping together in the last few weeks, he'd recognized the change in her behavior every time they saw a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn. He knew it hurt her, seeing other women pregnant and glowing or happy with their new baby. Yet, she still hasn't lost one single word about it. Their baby.

″Let me and Antonio do-,″ Adam suggested but it was too late to save the situation and he couldn't even finish his sentence before Erin errupted like some volcano.

″Stop walking on fucking eggshells around me!″ she yelled and Jay was sure Platt downstairs could hear it. ″Yes, she's pregnant! Who cares? Yes, I'm not pregnant anymore! So what? Life goes on!″ Every word that left her mouth hurt in every fiber of Jay's body. ″Just let me do my fucking job!″

With these words she grabbed the file and stormed towards the interrogation room. The fact that she actually lost it in there didn't surprise anyone and after successfully pulling her out before things would escalate to a point of no repair, Hank sent her home to cool off.

″Jay, my office,″ Hank grunted after they'd all watched Erin storming out of the bullpen to clear her head.

He felt like a teenager who was ordered in the headmaster's office for messing up when he closed the door of Hank's office from the inside and sat down on one of the chairs.

″How are you doing?″ he asked softly and it was about the last question Jay'd expected. He'd expected Hank to yell at him for not being there for Erin, for letting stuff like this happen, for failing from keeping her going down some dark path that has turned her into a different person. But in the end of the day Hank Voight knew Erin almost as well as he did, and so this behavior wasn't one he hasn't expected.

″I'm...″ he hesitated for a moment because how was he feeling? There were a zillion words that could describe his current state of mind, yet none of them could really do his feelings justice. ″I'm lost,″ he finally breathed out. ″I don't know what to do anymore. She's been pushing me away ever since we lost the baby. She flinches when I touch her and she avoids me whenever she can. In the last few weeks, I read every single page that Google provided about losing a pregnancy and it helped me to realize that she probably just needs time and that I pushed her too hard in the beginning. So I respected her silent request for space and was sensitive to her needs and feelings because everyone copes differently but...-″ he quickly told him about all the things that were going on and then he even went one step further and told the man in front of him about his biggest fear. ″I'm scared to lose her, Hank.″

His voice was barely a whisper and his ocean blue eyes looked completely lost as those words left his lips and although Hank wasn't a man of big emotions, his heart broke for his son-in-law because all he saw right now was a man who was scared to lose the reason he lived for.

″You have to talk to her, Jay,″ Hank said.

″You know, I stopped counting how many times I've carefully tried to break through to her in the last few weeks,″ Jay answered.

″We both know Erin and we both know she's a pro when it comes to pushing the pain away. That's what she's always done and she knows how to wall herself off and not let anything, or anyone for that matter, come close to her. But just as much as she pushes you away, you have to push her to talk,″ Hank told him.

″I'm scared that when I really push her, I push her to a point where I can only lose her,″ Jay admitted.

″One minute ago you told be you're scared to lose her because of the distance she puts between you, because she doesn't let you come close in any way and she seems to slip away. So as far as I see it, you have to stop protecting her by giving her time and make her face the pain or otherwise you've already lost her.″

Jay was instantly silenced by the truth that lay in this statement.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

He'd left the bullpen immediately after his conversation with Hank to make things right, hoping that it wasn't too late already, and coming home and looking for Erin, he only found her after a couple of minutes. She wasn't in the living room, where Emmy was playing in her playpen – Luke staying with his mother for the next two days until he would completely move back in with her next week - but in the basement, where they had a dresser with all of Emilia's baby clothes that didn't fit her anymore.

″Hey,″ he said and watched her putting the clothes into big plastic bags.

″Hey,″ she said shortly without giving him any attention.

″What are you doing?″ he asked, this conversation starting in the same way almost all of their conversations were starting these days.

″Sorting Emmy's baby clothes out,″ she answered as if it was no big deal but Jay could hear her voice cracking and see her lip trembling.

″You don't have to do that,″ Jay said and closed the distance between them.

″It's not like we will need them anymore,″ she snapped through gritted teeth and threw another onesie into the bag. ″So there's no reason to keep them.″

″Erin.″ Jay's voice was quiet and calm and absolutely broken and he placed his hand on her lower arm to make her stop throwing more of the clothes into the bag. And then he spoke them out, the words that made everything a hundred times worse but they somehow just slipped from his lips before he could think about them. ″We can always have another baby.″

Her head snapped around by his words and the moment she looked at him he realized it had been the complete wrong thing to say. ″I wanted to have this baby,″ she whispered, tears looming in her eyes, her gaze incredulous, broken and sad but also somehow cold. With these words she pulled away from him and stormed towards the stairs to get away from him as fast as possible. But this time he was prepared.

″Erin wait!″ he called and reached for her arm to hold her back.

″Let me go!″ she called back.

″Only after you heard me out.″

″Let me go,″ she repeated her request and her voice was rising dangerously.

″No,″ he shook his head. ″Erin, these last few weeks, that's not us. You wall yourself off and not once have we talked about what happened! I accepted it because I love you and know you and just wanted to give you time but for weeks you've been pushing the pain away. I've waited for the day you realize that you can't push the pain away and that you finally allow yourself to grief and let me be there for you! I've given you all the time in the world because I know you, Erin, but instead you only slipped away further, you only pushed me away further.″ His voice was loud and clear, characterized by heartbreak and helplessness nonetheless. ″Stop pushing me away, Erin,″ he pleaded quietly and suddenly he was almost whispering. ″Let me be there for you. Or just tell me what I can do for you. Please.″

″What you can do for me?″ she asked and the challenge in her voice already told him that she was about to ignore most of what he'd said. ″Let me go, Jay.″ She threw those words at him with a glance at his hand that was still wrapped around her arm.

″Let me go!″ she yelled again before adding almost inaudible: ″You hurt me.″

Those were the words that pushed him over the edge and although he knew that she probably meant his words and him pushing her to face the pain hurt her and not him holding her back, his grip around her arm loosened almost automatically in the moment those words left her lips. He'd never wanted to hurt her. In any way. He'd never wanted to be the reason for her to have to endure even more pain. And so he let her go. He was surrendering. Giving up. Because in this very moment, for the first time in forever, he didn't feel like fighting.

He didn't know for how long he's been standing in their basement, staring at some spot on the wall with empty eyes, the broken pieces of their together life dancing in front of his eyes, and trying to process that his wife, the love of his life, the mother of his child, his best friend, had just walked out on him, before he was able to move again. It might have been minutes. Or hours. Or days. He didn't know. And he didn't care.

It wasn't until he was able to set one foot in front of the other again and climb those stairs to their living room that he realized that not only Erin was gone but Emmy as well.

He went to get his phone, that was still in the pocket of his jacket from work, to give her a quick call because after all it was his right to know where his daughter was and of course he just wanted to make sure that they both were alright. When he pressed the button and the screen lit up, he saw that there was no reason for him to call her since there was a text message already.

 _I need space. We're at Hank's. Will stay the night._

He should've been relieved that she at least texted him where they were, that she regardless their fight still seemed to care as much to inform him before he would go crazy, but all of this couldn't drown the devastating feeling that this text somehow felt like the beginning of the end...


	90. I Was Counting On Forever

**Thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter, I was truly overwhelmed! So let's continue this journey...chapter 90, can you believe it?!**

* * *

 **90\. I Was Counting On Forever**

 _~ There are certain things in life that can crack your heart straight through._

 _The ones that love you will try to save it. To fill it. To fluff it. To fix it._

 _But there is no magic glue, no golden thread, no perfect fix to put you back together. It changes you in a way that can't be repaired._

 _And truth is, it's probably not supposed to be ~_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The thunderstorm that blustered outside not only lit the entire room up whenever a lightning was striking but it also made the old window rattle in the wind like it had done all those years back, when Erin'd lived with the Voight's and this had been the bedroom she'd occasionally sneaked out of through said old window.

But it wasn't the window that kept her up that night. The second night after she'd run away from the only man she's ever really loved. It weren't the claps of thunder either that indicated that this thunderstorm was way too close, or the heavy rainfall that lashed against the roof and her window. It was the fact that _he_ wasn't here. That he was not sharing this bed with her. That she didn't hear his steady breathing next to her. That his smell wasn't embedded in the pillows. It was almost ironic how her heart messed with her because she was the very last person to be allowed to miss him. _She_ had needed space. _She_ had walked out on him. _She_ had put the distance between them. _She_ had been sleeping on the very edge of the bed for weeks, so there shouldn't be much of a difference for her now, with him not being here at all. Yet, there was. But probably this realization was coming too late as the damage's been done already.

The fact that there weren't a lot of things she hated more than thunderstorms didn't help either. Usually, she would hide in Jay's arms and let him hold her close so she could sleep despite those loud claps of thunder that sometimes almost made the earth shake, because his arms were her safe haven and only feeling protected by him could bring her through nights like this when it seemed like the end of the world. In more than just one way in her case. But there was no Jay tonight. No protection, no arms and no holding close. Not that she exactly wanted to be held close anyway. After all the things that had happened in the last few weeks she'd needed space for a reason. Only that she'd expected to feel better now that she had this famous space but was still waiting for some effect to kick in. Some effect that confirmed this decision for herself. Some effect that would allow her to breathe again. To stop overthinking. To get out of the doom loop that her thoughts put her into. To find herself again. To forget. And eventually to move on.

As she tossed and turned from one side to the other, startling every time the thunder rumbled and hoping that sleep would finally overcome her so her brain would shut the fuck up, she slowly started to realize that said effect might never kick in.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was almost 2.30am when her bare feet padded over the wooden floor of the kitchen in the house she knew every little corner of, and opening the fridge and analyzing its content, she didn't even know why she'd trudged downstairs and into kitchen and what exactly she was looking for. Because she wasn't hungry. Neither for chocolate nor anything else. She just couldn't sleep and when her thoughts had threatened to eat her up, she'd gotten up in a desperate attempt to find distraction in a different room or by doing something else than tossing and turning and turning and tossing.

But instead of finding distraction, her stomach rather turned by the thought of eating the leftovers from dinner in the middle of the night, or by eating anything in general, and so she reached for the bottle of multivitamin juice because the orange liquid was the only thing she could convince herself she needed at 2.30am.

Different to what she would do at home, she poured some juice into a glass because she knew that Hank wasn't a fan of her drinking from the bottle, never has been in fact and they'd clashed several time when he'd caught her drinking milk or juice from the bottle or container back when this place had been her home. Jay had given her quite the glance as well when she'd done that for the first time in his apartment. But he'd only smiled, telling her that she'd looked like a doe in the beam of the headlights when he caught her and that her facial expression had changed to the most innocent look she could give him. And because she was being so darn adorable, he'd told her that if she wanted to drink from the bottle, she could. There was no denying that she'd had him wrapped around her finger from the very start. And at some point it had become a habit for him as well, not to use a glass but just take the bottle or milk cartoon. Because not only had Jay Halstead rubbed off on her but also had she rubbed off on him. Only recently, with being parents and having a certain resposibility and with Rylie and Luke living with them, they'd started to use glasses again so Luke wouldn't pick on this habit.

Luke – he would come back from staying with Rylie tomorrow evening, on Sunday, and would then stay with them for another week before he would permanently move in with Rylie and their time as foster-parents would come to an end. Though they would of course still take care of him whenever Rylie had to work nightshifts or weekends or when she had to study to pass all her exams and get her degree. That's what they all had agreed on, raising Luke together somehow and giving him the best possible childhood, but damn would Erin miss having this cute five-year-old boy around every day. No matter that she'd always known that fostering Luke could turn out to be only a temporary situation, he's of course become a part of their family over the last few months and she loved him like a son.

But then again, right now it probably wasn't the worst thing that Luke would not live with them anymore soon because who knew how everything would continue between her and Jay. She was thinking about how no child should be involved in such a mess but that this was the exact mess Emilia was in now as well because Erin was at some other place than Jay, because she had needed space and had also caused a distance between father and daughter with this, when a familiar voice coming from the dark startled her as much that she jumped up from the chair and hit her knee on the edge of the table by doing so.

″Hey kid.″ Those were the words that sent her heart racing because the last thing she'd expected was Hank's dark silhouette and raspy voice appearing in the doorframe after 2.30am.

″Geeeez,″ she breathed out, running her shaking hands over her face and then rubbing her hurting knee. ″You scared me to death.″

″I'm sorry,″ Hank chuckled slightly, obviously not being extremely sorry about it, and went to the sink to get himself a glass of water before sitting down across her. From what he was wearing, leather jacket, his badge pinned on his belt and his gun in his holster, she figured pretty fast that he only returned from work a couple of minutes ago and that this was the reason for their meeting in the kitchen at a time most of the city's inhabitants were already dreaming the sweetest dreams.

He took a few sips, eyeing her sternly while he emptied the glass and as always when Hank was looking at her like this, she had the feeling he could see so much more than just her silhouette and suddenly she had the urge to get up and hide in her bedroom. ″You look like you saw a ghost or something,″ he mentioned and placed the glass back on the table with a thud.

″Well, I wonder where that comes from,″ Erin said back dryly and Hank was sure these were about the most words she's said in one sentence since crashing here.

″I didn't startle you this morning when we had breakfast and you looked about as terrible as right now,″ he said casually, his eyes fixated on her gaze and it felt like they were lighting her on fire and burning her skin down. ″So how about you stop pretending and tell me how you're doing?″

As much as she wanted to tell him she was fine and he should stop being worried, she couldn't let those words slip past her lips and they got stuck somewhere in her throat. Because they would be the biggest lie in the history of big lies and she hated lying to the man she considered her father. She would just keep on pretending then. Because she wasn't fine. Not anywhere near of being fine actually. She hasn't been fine since that fateful day, when they'd enjoyed a perfect afternoon in the park and the evening had then ended in their world getting shaken to the core, getting shaken as much that it broke into a million pieces that could never get glued together again. Because nothing was like before. And sometimes she just wished she could turn back time and do things differently on said fateful day. Or on a day months before, when they'd decided to try for another baby. Sometimes she wished they had never tried and would just've been satisfied with what they had, with the perfect little life they lived.

Instead of telling him how she was doing, which the man across the table probably knew anyway, she avoided to answer and instead asked the one question that had kept her up all night. ″How's Jay?″ The moment the question was out she already regretted asking it at all because she feared the answer. Because she actually knew the answer. And getting the confirmation from Hank wouldn't make this night any better. And it wouldn't change anything either. She didn't feel up to face him and right now she didn't know when she would be. Yes, she missed him but this feeling was nothing against the drowning feeling of wanting to be alone.

″How do you think he's doing?″ Hank asked back rhetorically and didn't hold back with telling her the hard, devastating truth. ″He's standing in front of the broken pieces of his life and he's afraid he won't find a way to fix it. He's lost, Erin. You walked away, you took the kid and you asked for space. If it was me, I would run that very door down to see my kid but because he's a much greater man than I am, he accepts your request for space and stays away although it kills him. He's as selfless that he's rather hurting himself than risking to hurt you.″

And suddenly they were there again, those last words she'd thrown at him before taking off and running away, the words that have haunted her ever since. _You hurt me_. Already yesterday evening, after settling in her old bedroom with Emmy snuggled into her side, she'd realized how awful it was to say something like this and she was sure she would never forget the unbelievably defeated look in his eyes after she'd spat those words out like a dragon spat fire. The fact that in this moment, she'd meant those words like she'd said them made her feel even worse. Because with pushing her into that certain direction he'd hurt her. But mainly because _it_ still hurt in a way that even after four weeks she struggled to deal with it. And all the aftermath in form of her doom loop thoughts that came with it.

 _He's rather hurting himself than risking to hurt you._ Those words resounded in her head and she realized that it might be truest words that he has ever told her. But she didn't say anything. She couldn't as the lump in her throat threatened to choke her. And so Hank used her silence to say a couple more things he had on his chest and thought she needed to hear.

″Listen Erin, what you and Jay went through is the most terrible experience a couple can incur. And I don't exactly know what's going between the two of you right now and I can't say I don't care but it's none of my business and this is something between you and Jay that only you guys can figure out. I just always thought that you guys are one of those couples that can get through anything. Together. Not indiviually,″ he said meaningfully.

Once again words failed her because the lump in her throat grew as big that she had the feeling her lungs didn't get enough oxydgen. In addition she was too occupied with keeping her tears at bay and battling the emotions that came with Hank's honest words and meaningful glance. And so he used her continuous silence to keep on talking.

″Camille and I, we went through this several times. She lost the baby or we went to the doctor, all excited for an ultrasound, only for them to tell us that they couldn't find a heartbeat. Our worlds and dreams shattered so many times but what brought us through this was having each other when we needed us most. We gave each other strength and without each other, this would've killed us.″ His voice was filled with rare emotions and his glance was as intense that she had to lower her head because she couldn't keep his gaze without bursting into tears.

″But everyone handles this differently I guess,″ he said and got up. ″I just thought I tell you,″ he added as he put his glass in the dishwasher.

He was almost out of the room when he turned around in the doorframe to say one last thing before hitting the cushions. ″I will take Emmy and bring her to Jay in the morning. It's his right to see his daughter and just because he loves you as much to respect your request for space despite not seeing Emmy kills him, doesn't mean he has to stay away from her until you two figure this whole mess out. And I bet Emmy misses her dad as well and she should be the last one suffering due to this.″

With these words he turned around and it was only then that she found her words again and was able to choke some words out for the first time in minutes. ″I miss him, too.″

Her voice was as quiet that Hank almost missed hearing her mumbled words but they found their way to his ears and so he spun around again, his eyes finding his pseudo-daughter fighting with her emotions but still not allowing herself to cry.

″You know kiddo, as long as you refuse to go back and talk with him, there's no one to blame but yourself,″ he answered and joined her again.

And as he pulled her into a hug, she not only was sure that Hank knew more than he admitted but also, for the second time tonight, she was sure he has never said something truer.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Hey bug,″ Erin greeted her daughter on the following morning when she walked into the children's room Hank had in his house for all his grandkids. ″How was your night? Did you have a good sleep?″ she asked her and scooped the almost 16-months-old toddler up into her arms. Her night had consisted of no sleep at all and she'd been relieved when the sun started to rise and when after hours of listening to the birds going crazy outside she'd heard some sounds from the baby monitor that indicated Emmy was awake.

″Dada?″ Emmy asked, looking at her with those big blue eyes she's inherrited from her father and when Erin had been sure that her heart couldn't possibly break into any more pieces, she didn't exactly get the confirmation right now. Because _more_ was very well an option as she learned in this moment, when her daughter, who didn't understand any of the things that were going on, asked for her father.

She had to inhale a deep breath before she could say something. She's had to do that a lot lately because there's a permanent lump residing in her throat. ″Daddy's not here right now,″ she said sadly and stroked over Emmy's brown-blonde hair that by now was as long that they could make some first cute hairstyles. ″But you will see him later, I promise,″ she whispered and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″You miss your daddy, don't you?″

″Yaah dada,″ Emilia said.

″I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry,″ she said quietly and brought her to the changing table to make her ready for the day and new adventures and distract her from missing her daddy.

″Mama,″ Emmy smiled up at her when she was lying on the changing table so Erin could change her diaper. Today she had one of her better days because usually changing the diaper was a very tough battle these days since Emilia refused to lie down and always wanted to move.

″Yes, I'm your mommy,″ Erin forced herself to smile and leaned down to blow some kisses on her stomach which made her laugh heartily. The last kiss, she then pressed on her cheek. ″And I always will be. No matter what happens.″

With Emmy on her hip she made her way downstairs and found Hank in the kitchen, making his famous pancakes with fresh fruits and maple syrup or fried bacon. If it wasn't for Emmy babbling all the time while she put piece for piece of pancake and strawberries into her mouth with her fingers, their breakfast would've gone down in silence because other than Erin saying that his pancakes were as delicious as always and that she's really missed them, not too many words were exchanged. Hank didn't mention once again that she looked miserable and the only words that left his lips were telling her that he was always glad when he could make pancakes for her, and the words he exchanged with Emilia who obviously loved his pancakes as much as her mom usually did. And he also didn't say anything when she put her cutlery on her plate after only two pancakes, signalising that she was done. Given the fact that she's been eating like a mouse in the last couple of days, he should probably be happy that she ate two pancakes after all and didn't decline breakfast completely like she'd done yesterday.

After doing the dishes together and cleaning up the mess Emmy had created during breakfast, Hank left the house to bring Emmy to Jay and he didn't return for the remainder of the day. As the walls threatened to close in around her as soon as she was alone and had nothing to do, she changed into her sports gear and drove towards downtown to go for a two-hours run along the lake, finding distraction in burning off some energy and listening to the loud music that resounded from her earplugs.

Returning back to the house that once had been her home, she took a long and refreshing shower to wash away the sweat and everything that made her world spinning but as soon as she was done and all by herself again, those walls immediately came closer, as if they wanted to push her out of the house. Since she wasn't up for any company, and neither her usual company in form of Emmy, Jay, Luke and Crispin was here, she did the only other thing she knew could always provide distraction: she grabbed the keys of the 300 from the sideboard in the hallway and went for a drive. All the way along Lake Michigan and over the Indiana and Michigan borders, driving along endless highways for hours with loud music filling the air in the car, her tired eyes protected by sunglasses. The beautiful countryside passed by without that she even paid attention and she only realized how far she's driven when her car signalised her that it urgently needed gas or would otherwise break down. She filled the 300 up with gas at the next possible gas station, which turned out to be in Spring Lake, and pulling out on the road again, she decided not to continue her drive but head back towards Chicago.

By the time she was back in the familiar streets of her hometown, the sun was already low on the blue sky and the dawn was inevitably coming closer. She parked her car in the driveway next to Hank's and walking into the living room a minute later, she found her father-figure and her daughter on the couch, Emilia already wearing her pajama as Hank read her a story. She sat down next to them silently and listened to Hank reading her a fairytale from the Brother's Grimm until Emmy's struggles to keep her eyes open ended in her falling asleep in her grandfather's arm.

″Where have you been?″ Hank asked as he closed the book.

″Out,″ Erin shrugged. ″Nowhere really.″

″Huh,″ Hank grunted, for a minute considering to dug deeper but eventually deciding against it. ″Tomorrow, we'll all go out of town. You and me and Emmy.″

″Where do we go?″ Erin frowned.

″Out,″ he said. ″Nowhere really.″

″You trying to be funny?″ Erin asked without any emotions on her face or in her voice.

″No,″ Hank denied. ″Just thought to give you as much of a helpful answer as you gave me.″

″Whatever,″ Erin shrugged it off, as always these days not being interested in any kind of conversation and she picked Emmy up to carry her upstairs and tuck her in, leaving the room with a mumbled good night but nothing more.

She settled in her bed in the guest room a little later and turned the TV on to distract herself but she wasn't interested in anything that flickered on the screen and so the next couple of hours until she tried to give sleep a try consisted of zapping through the channels and watching something different every five to ten minutes. Eventually she turned the TV off but although the room was all dark now and there was no thunderstorm outside, she couldn't find sleep once again as her world was spinning and her thoughts were eating her as soon as she closed her eyes.

For the rest of the night she stared at the ceiling and wondered how long a human being could go without sleep before breaking down.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Alright, are we ready to go then?″ Hank asked on the following morning.

″Can't we just stay here?″ Erin asked back. She was feeling awful, had headaches that were hammering against her forehead and felt dizzy whenever she moved too fast. Maybe three nights of no sleep was the point where the human body shut down.

″No, we can't,″ Hank said matter-of-factly, with a voice that didn't allow backtalk. ″It's a beautiful day and I will not support the way you wall yourself off. So bring the diaper bag and the picnic basket to the car already and wait there for me while I bring my favorite granddaughter,″ he ordered and looked at Emmy who was occupied with all her toys and also didn't seem like she wanted to leave her toy paradise anytime soon.

″Okay,″ she muttered because really, she didn't have a chance anyway, and grabbed the diaper bag and the picnic basket before she made her way out to his Escalade.

She stored everything in his car and then already took her spot on the passenger's seat, her elbow resting against the cold window as she covered her awfully throbbing forehead with her palm, hoping that it would soon go away but sensing that she would have to deal with it for as long as her nights consisted of no sleep. It took Hank forever to join her and she figured that Emmy was probably throwing a tantrum because she didn't want to be taken away from her beloved toys. But instead of going in and checking on him, she kept on sitting in the car and covered her eyes with her palm because she absolutely didn't feel up to handle any tantrum right now and only the thought of a screaming toddler let her head almost explode.

Finally, the door opened and closed again, the driver's seat was taken and she mumbled: ″About damn time.″ It was only after these words left her lips that she realized that there was none of her daughter's famous babbling and that she hadn't even heard Hank opening the back door to settle Emilia in her car seat and with a frown on her face she turned her head to ask him what was going on. Only that her eyes didn't find her father-figure sitting on the seat next to her, but her husband.

And while her mind tried to figure out whether this was real or just some dream or nightmare - she didn't exactly know which term was more fitting - and how on earth he's done _that_ and then came to the conclusion that he and Hank must've planned this yesterday, when Hank had been gone for the whole day, she just wanted one thing: out. She wanted out of this car and hide in her old bedroom upstairs. She _needed_ to get out of this car because she was in no way in any condition to face him.

But before she could do anything about it, she heard the sound of the central locking as if he'd heard her thoughts – and honestly, it wouldn't even surprise her if he had - and reaching for the door to yank it open and jump out of the car, she realized it was too late. He would not let her go today. Not again. But she tried anyway.

″Let me out,″ she whispered, her fingers still fumbling on the door.

Instead of answering anything, he started the engine and pulled out on the street, his gaze focused on the road, both of his hands on the steering wheel.

″Let me out!″ she said a little louder though her voice has lost its usual strength over the past few days.

Once again there wasn't any reaction coming from him. He neither looked at her nor made any attempt to pull over and stop the car.

″Let me out!″ She tried to yell but her headaches didn't allow her to raise her voice too much. And anyway, nothing changed. Jay kept on driving like she wasn't existing, ignored every word that left her lips as well as her presence and when she yelled the same words for a fourth time without that it triggered any reaction, she started to realize, that nothing would make him stop or turn around today and that they were headed to an uncertain place that was called _their future._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

While he was driving to that certain destination, some doubts started to invade his mind. Doubts whether this was a good idea. Doubts whether this was the right way to do it. Doubts whether he was overstepping her boundaries. Doubts whether he should pull through with his plan or rather turn around and bring her back to Chicago. Doubts whether what he was doing had the capacity to make everything even worse. Though he wondered whether their situation could _really_ get any worse. And this was what kept him driving.

She had her arms crossed in front of her chest for the whole drive and was staring out of the window without facing him even once and without saying a word. Which he was fine with because he didn't want to talk either. Not yet at least. There were a lot of things and words on his mind for later though. Beyond the silence, the atmosphere in the car was tense and as explosive that one little spark could set everything on fire.

At some point, when they passed the Wisconsin state border, he wondered whether she knew where they were headed to. But then again, even if she did, he didn't expect her to become all excited. Because this place was probably the last she wanted to be right now as it was the home of a lot of memories. A lot of wonderful memories with a beauty of their own. Memories from when they'd been on cloud nine. Memories that now seemed to be from a different planet because their cloud nine had turned into the biggest, darkest, heaviest cloud possible.

The sun was still shining high on the sky, the weather so different to the cold atmosphere in the car, when Lake Geneva appeared in the distance and it was only when Jay left the highway for a certain small road that led to a certain place, that Erin inhaled a sharp breath because she seemed to know where he was taking her and this realization brought up more than just the memories from one of the best days of their lives.

He parked the car close to the little cabin. The cabin they'd had their wedding night in. The lake was sparkling in the distance, right behind the place where they'd shared their I do's 10 months back. Where they'd promised each other to go through good and bad times together as long as they lived. A promise that right now seemed like a broken one. Because this right now were the bad times, the worst time in fact, and they'd lost each other on the day they'd lost their baby.

He finally unlocked the car and got out of it to refill his lungs with this fresh early summer air, giving Erin the chance to do the same. If he had to, he would have this conversation in the car with her, but he hoped they could do it in the exact same spot where they'd given each other a promise for eternity.

″Come on,″ he said as he opened her door.

Her arms stayed crossed in front of her chest and her gaze kept fixated on anything but him. She didn't move. But Jay hadn't expected her to. She was as stubborn as he was though right now her stubbornness was the least of his problems.

″Erin, come on, you wanted to get out of the car so badly earlier,″ he said again but just like he'd ignored her earlier, she was ignoring him now.

″Er-,″

″I just wanna go home,″ she interrupted him through gritted teeth.

″Yeah?″ he asked. ″Then tell me, where is home? Because there's nothing I rather wanna do than going home with you but I'm not entirely sure whether we have the same definition for home these days.″

With these words, he walked away towards the lake, towards the spot were they'd exchanged the most beautiful vows, and he didn't know the reason but she jumped out of the car and followed him and as soon as she caught up on him, she yanked him around on his shoulder.

″Bring me back,″ she yelled and he was sure the fire in her eyes would burn this beautiful piece of nature down if she didn't tame it quickly.

″That's exactly what I'm about to do,″ he said all calm and determined, meaning something completely different than what Erin had asked for. ″You know Erin, 10 months ago, we were standing here and promised us all the things we thought we could live up to forever. Last October, after the shooting, you were the one who reminded me that for better or worse also included the bad times and that exactly these bad times are those when we have to lean on each other more than ever and let the other in. We promised each other that as long as we live, we go through life together no matter which rocks there might be in the road. But these days I find it hard to believe that you remember any of the things that I promised you. Or that you promised me,″ he said and his eyes never left her face although she didn't look at him and still rather looked anywhere else. But he could very well see how the muscles in her face flinched and how she unintenionally gave more of her emotions away than she wanted.

And then those words left his lips again, those powerful words that have been burned into his head ever since this beautiful day in July 2017, when he'd been allowed to finally put a wedding band on her finger and give her his name.

″Erin. You're my best friend. The one I can always count on to pick me up when times are bad. To share my joy when times are good. And to tell me I'm an idiot on the rare occasions that it might be true. But much more you are the one person who brought joy and happiness back into my life when I started to wonder what these things even are and how they feel. Being with you, suddenly everything has made sense and I feel like I'm home after wandering around for too long. Erin, I promise to remember that neither one of us is perfect. But I will strive to remind myself of the ways we are perfect for each other. I promise to cherish you. To laugh with you. To protect you. To love you. Not from this day forward, because I've always loved you. I promise I will continue to love you, in good times and in bad, in sadness and in joy, with everything that I have to give, completely and forever. And for the rest of my life I'll ask myself how I ever got to be so blessed.″

He repeated every single word of his wedding vows although his voice was cracking at some points, and even though their situation was so messed up, he could still promise her all these things again any day because for him his vows still meant exactly as much as they'd had 10 months back. Because beyond all the pain and the hurt and the things that had gone down in the last couple of weeks he still loved her with every fiber of his body and that, well that would _never_ change.

There's no reaction on Erin's side, other than that she obviously fought with her tears and so he continued. He wouldn't stop until he had it all talked off his chest.

″When I promised you all these things, I was counting on forever, Erin,″ he said emphatically, his voice rising. ″I was counting on forever!″ he called, rather yelled, but there's still no reaction other than some deep breaths she inhaled and exhaled.

″I know you've been miserable these last few weeks. And you have every right to be. But I've been miserable as well. It's not just you, Erin! And instead of dealing with our loss together, you wall yourself off and keep me at a distance that has never been bigger because letting me come close means you would have to face it!″

Finally, there's a reaction and first she only shook her head as if she wanted to say that he had it all wrong. ″You have no idea how it is,″ she whispered and within the next second, her voice turned into yelling, her face tormented and angry. ″You have no idea how it is to lose a child! To feel it slip away from your body! You have no fucking idea!″

For a second, Jay was speechless. Because he had trouble to believe that this was _the_ reason for her building up her walls so high that they were an almost insurmountable obstacle for them. Because he _knew_ that this was her anger talking, her anger trying to hurt him – successfully - because he'd kinda kidnapped her. But nonetheless this was the point where he lost it. Where he couldn't hold back his own anger about her behavior anymore. And no matter that he couldn't and didn't want to believe it, he also knew that there was some truth in her words and that for whatever reason she selfishly claimed it was just her who was suffering and feeling the pain.

″So that's what this is all about?!″ he asked incredulously. ″You push me away because you think I don't understand what you're going through?! I lost this child as well!″ he yelled, his eyes wide and full of pain and tears that fell down his cheeks with his next words. ″I might not have physically felt it but it's not just you! It was as much my child as it was yours! And I also already wondered whether it's a boy or a girl! I also painted this picture in my head how this baby looks like! I also thought about possible names already! So don't you dare to tell me that I have no idea how it is! Because it's not just you! I fucking lost this child as well!″

And at this, she was breaking down.

Finally.

She allowed the tears to fall and doubled over as she almost hyperventilated and sank to her knees. It seemed like everything she's been holding back in the last few weeks was coming out in the moment Jay's last words had left his lips. He didn't know whether she cried because of the baby they'd lost or because of his words as she realized that he's been suffering as much as she has or because of the obvious pain in his voice or because he was crying as well but he didn't care about the reason. Because for the first time in weeks it seemed like he got through to her and she didn't push the pain away but allowed her emotions to take the better of her. He went down on his knees as well and wrapped his arms around her shaking frame and when he was holding her in his arms after four weeks without getting close to her in any way, he just wanted to never let her go again because this was where they both belonged in the moments their wedding vows were most difficult to keep: in each other's arms.

However, this moment was short-lived. As soon as his arms were around her to hold her close and press her against his strong body, she fought against his embrace and squirmed out of it as if him holding her caused even more pain. And even before she opened her mouth to speak Jay knew now he would learn about the second reason for her behavior.

″Don't you get it, Jay?″ she asked quietly and defeated. ″This is the universe calling: screw you, Erin, you're not allowed to be happy! This is my past catching up on me and fate's punishment for the decision I made when I was fifteen! When I aborted a child!″ Her voice got louder with every word that left her lips. ″I wanted to have our baby so badly and I was so excited about it but of course the baby I wanted with all my heart was the one I couldn't keep but lost! I could have two kids now, if I never aborted my baby all those years back! And whichever higher power is up there let me pay the price for that now! 18 years later! Because I don't deserve to have another baby! Because I didn't cherish my very first pregnancy so why should I be blessed with one now?″ she yelled. ″I'm bad news and my past will always come back and haunt me! I will never be allowed to be entirely happy because there are enough things I did that I still have to pay the price for! So you might as well just haul ass before I destroy your happiness,″ her voice turned into a whisper again towards the end and the tears made a comeback as she swallowed hard. ″You don't deserve to pay that price as well.″

Jay didn't hesitate with his answer as he pulled her close to his body again and this time she didn't fight. She couldn't. And so she collapsed right into them. And his aching heart immediately started to ache less when her head was pressed against his chest. ″It's a price I would pay anytime. Because you and me, we're in this together. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever it takes,″ he said and kissed her hair as his hand traveled up and down her spine to soothe her. ″And nothing of this was your fault, Er. This was neither punishment nor fate or anything else. Our little baby just had to serve a bigger purpose. To join the stars and shine down on us from above.″

Those were the last words any of them said. Then they only cried while time seemed to stand still, while the earth seemed to stop turning and even the birds didn't chirp anymore. And it felt good and right, to finally grieve together, although Jay knew very well that this didn't mean everything would magically go back to how it had been before. This was one step into the right direction but they still had a long road ahead back to happiness and putting all these broken pieces back together. Though some of those pieces would probably forever stay broken. And that was fine as well because losing their baby was one of those pieces that couldn't be repaired. It wasn't supposed to be.

Not once he asked her why she'd pushed him away in the way she had, mainly because this was in the past and they had to concentrate on their future. And how would it change anything, really? He was sure to know exactly why she'd dealt with it in the way she had. Because her way of grieving was pushing the pain away and pushing the people away who would eventually help her to get better. But she'd wanted to feel bad because she'd blamed herself or her own fate in this case. Just like after Nadia. When she'd blamed herself and had run off to her mother, the only person who allowed her to feel as bad as she wanted to, because Bunny had been the bad person Erin thought she deserved. And this time she'd thought she didn't deserve him and he didn't deserve to suffer because of her fate messing with her. One of the main reasons why she'd pushed him away was that she'd wanted to feel bad and he was about the only person in the whole damn world who had the ability to eventually make her feel better and that's what she'd wanted to avoid. Feeling better.

That was the conclusion he came to later, after their crying had faded and their tears were more or less dried, when they were lying in the green grass, gazing up to the blue sky, none of them saying a word for at least another thirty minutes. At some point, Jay reached for her hand and at first she flinched by his touch. He squeezed it gently and as he laced his fingers through hers, he couldn't help but wonder for how much longer she would flinch every time he approached her with some simple gestures like holding hands.

″We didn't even know whether it was a boy or a girl,″ Erin whispered soon after their hands laced, as if it was giving her courage to talk about _it_. ″And I didn't know how beautiful it is to be pregnant until I was able to enjoy my pregnancy with Emmy and until I became pregnant again. Maybe we were too excited...″ her barely-existent voice trailed off and she blinked her tears away against the blue sky. ″Do you think it's up there?″ she asked.

″Yeah,″ Jay whispered, his own emotions overcoming him once more. ″I'm sure my mom and Camille have a grandchild in heaven now.″

At this, the tears flowed again. And they just kept coming.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

She told him she was okay with planting a tree for their baby when they were driving back to Chicago and so they stopped by some garden shop somewhere by the border to Illinois and bought a little apple tree. They returned to Beverly in the late afternoon and before picking Emmy up from Hank's place and trying to go back to some kind of routine later, they planted their tree in the garden. In silence. Just the two of them.

″I'll be back in a minute,″ Jay said when the tree was planted and Erin was putting some little stones around its tiny trunk to form a heart.

Instead of a minute, it took him almost ten but Erin didn't mind. Once the heart was finished, she sat down in the grass in front of their tree that would, opposite to their baby, grow bigger in the next few months and years, her knees pulled up into her chest and her arms wrapped around them and she startled a little when Jay suddenly sat down next to her.

″Here,″ he said and showed her a piece of paper.

″What's that?″ she asked without lifting her head from her knees.

″Earlier I said our baby joined the stars and well...now it really did,″ he said quietly and only now Erin looked at the paper for real. And the moment she realized what he did, she knew why she didn't deserve this man, knew why she loved him in an overwhelming way.

″You bought a star?″ she choked and her eyes started to burn with unshed tears again.

″Yeah,″ he nodded, the amount of tears in his eyes equalling hers. ″Now it will not only be in our hearts forever but up there at night forever as well.″

She didn't hold her tears back from falling this time. She didn't flinch when he wrapped his arm around her this time. And even when he kissed her temple and rested his head against hers she didn't flinch but found comfort in this little gesture.

It's only when her tears were dried and her vision was clear again that she looked at the piece of paper again and saw another little detail that let the tears spring right back into her eyes. He'd not only bought a star, he'd also given it a name:

 _Little H._

Forever their baby that didn't make it earthside. Forever their angel in heaven, their star on the night sky. Forever in their hearts and in their minds. And forever the piece of them that would be missing...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. As always, I'll try to update again as soon as I can ;)**


	91. Healing

**Thanks for all your feedback! On to chapter 91, enjoy!**

* * *

 **91\. Healing**

 _They say there is a reason,_

 _They say that time will heal,_

 _But neither time nor reason,_

 _Will change the way I feel._

 _For no one knows the heartache,_

 _That lies behind my smile,_

 _No one knows how many times,_

 _I've broken down and cried._

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Summer was showing off early in Chicago this year, with temperatures rising over 86°F in mid June already, the whole city reveling in pure sunshine and cloudless, deep blue skies and days that never seemed to end as the sun didn't go down in all shades of red and orange with painting the sky purple and pink earlier than 8.30pm. Erin and Jay built up the kiddie pool in the garden again and every free minute was either spent with watching Emmy having a blast in the water, splashing it everywhere and playing with her rubber ducks and other toys, or with spending time in the sandbox or on the swing. Almost every evening ended with an extensive stroll through the neighborhood, Crispin walking in front of them and Emmy walking on Erin's or Jay's hand, in case Jay was home as early so they could go all together, before she got tired and rather sat in her stroller, pointing to certain things and trying to name them and tell her own little story.

″Tee,″ she said on Friday evening, three weeks after they'd planted their apple tree and named their star, seven weeks after they'd lost their baby, and pointed to a big tree they passed in the park close to their house.

Today it was Jay who was walking through the neighborhood with Emmy as Erin was back working her usual long Fridays. They were now back to some kind of routine in general. At least it seemed like it from the outside. But from the inside the process of healing was a daily battle of taking one step after the other and accepting that it took a huge amount of time to get back to levity, to find this easiness again. In certain situations it was still like walking on eggshells around each other and some days the darkness and sadness overshadowed everything else but they tried their best to keep it together for Emilia's sake.

Their kisses were reduced to short pecks on the lips but Jay was glad that from time to time their lips met at all. Erin wasn't sleeping on the edge of the bed anymore but he still wasn't allowed to hold her close during the night. She wasn't yet ready to be that close to him and Jay of course accepted this distance she put between them whenever they shared a bed. He's read more than enough articles about women after miscarriages, so he knew it took time, weeks, even months, until the intimacy would come back. And he would give her all the time in the world.

″Yes, that's a tree, Emmy,″ Jay cheered and stopped pushing the stroller to kneel down next to her. ″And can you tell me what this is?″ he asked and pointed at Crispin, their faithful companion.

″Dog,″ Emilia smiled.

″Exactly, that's our dog Crispin,″ Jay said and by the sound of his name, their dog trotted back towards them, expecting some tickling and stroking and of course Jay's fingers caressed his favorite spot behind his ears immediately.

″Hi dog,″ Emilia babbled excitedly and leaned over the safety bar of her stroller to be able to reach him as well.

″Come on princess, that makes it easier,″ Jay grinned and lifted her out of the stroller to settle her between his knees and Crispin instantly gave her cheek a soft nudge with his nose, which made her giggle heartily.

″You and your Crispin, huh?″ Jay chuckled as he watched them cuddling together.

″Me dog,″ Emilia smiled brightly and nestled her head into his fur. No matter that he's seen this countless times already, it was still absolutely heart-warming to see the special bond these two have had for over a year now and Crispin was without a doubt Emilia's best friend.

″Okay bug, you wanna sit in your stroller when we walk back home?″ he asked her when their little moment was over and it was time to head back home. He still needed to bathe her and usually Emilia should be in bed in about an hour though with summer providing them these long, perfect evenings, she's been constantly going to bed later than usual in the last three weeks.

″No,″ she answered right away. _That_ was still her favorite word. One that would definitely cause more trouble in the future than it already did.

″You wanna walk then?″

″Yaah,″ she confirmed.

″Of course you do,″ Jay laughed, because their little whirlwind was probably the most active toddler in Chicago, and so he took her by her hand, his other hand pushing the stroller, as they slowly walked all the way back to their house.

Returning home and giving Emmy a bath, the 16-month-old once again set the entire bathroom under water and so it was his task to clean that mess of water and foam up before reading her a bedtime story and tucking her in. Equipped with cleaning rags and towels he made the puddle in the bathroom disappear and when he went back into Emmy's nursery afterwards, their bathroom clean and shiny again, he couldn't help but laugh by the picture he was provided with. Emilia had used the time without supervision – because really, Crispin wasn't supervision but rather her partner in crime – to empty one of the smaller plastic boxes they usually threw all her scattered toys into in the evening, and was currently wearing it on her head like a hat or a crown, and walking around all proud.

″Em, what did you do?″ he chuckled and shook his head slightly.

″Dada,″ she smiled and walked towards her father who knelt down on the floor so he could welcome her into his arms.

″What's that? Do you have a new hat?″ he grinned and gently jiggled on the box on her head.

″Yaah,″ she beamed.

″Can daddy try it as well?″ he asked and took the box from her head to put it on his own, Emilia following his movements with curious eyes. ″How do I look, princess? As gorgeous as you did?″

″No no,″ she said lightly and reached for the box to signalise her father to give it back to her.

″Yeah, I'd say so, too,″ he laughed and handed the box back to his daughter who immediately put it back on her head and started to giggle again.

″You're such a silly girl,″ Jay smirked and picked her up into her arms.

″Me?″ Emilia asked.

″Yes you, little Miss Halstead,″ he chuckled and tickled her belly, her laughter finding its way right into his heart.

In some way, spending time with Emilia was so healing, because she was such a happy little munchkin and her happiness was contagious, and it made him realize how blessed they were to have this adorable girl in their lives. But in some other way, it also hurt, because already having a baby, a toddler nowadays, they knew exactly what it was they'd lost.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

″Where's the elephant? Can you show me the elephant?″ Jay asked Emilia when he rested on the couch against some pillows a couple of minutes later, Emmy settled in his lap as they scrolled through a book about the animals of Africa.

″Da,″ she said, _da_ being her current word for _there_ , and pointed at the elephant.

″That's right, princess, you found it,″ he smiled proudly and scrolled a few pages forward to tell her more about this animal. ″The elephant is the biggest animal you find in Africa. And anywhere else in the world. Elephants can get as old as 60 to 70 years and they have huge ears, a long trunk and big tusks. Truly amazing animals, aren't they?″ he asked her rhetorically and scrolled back from the page with the profile of the elephant to the double-paged overview of all steppe animals.

″Now let's see where the lion is. Can you also show me the lion?″

″Da,″ she said and pointed to a hyena.

″Not quite,″ Jay grinned and took her hand to guide it to the right animal. ″That's the lion. He's something like the king of the steppe.″

They continued to play this game for a little while longer, Emilia not getting bored of it and not getting sleepy and tired either today at all, until they got interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. With Emmy carried on his hip, he went to open the door, as expected finding Rylie and Luke standing in front of it.

″Jay!″ Luke beamed instantly and wrapped his arms around Jay's legs.

″Hey buddy,″ Jay laughed by this jaunty greeting and ran his hand through Luke's blonde hair. He missed having this little, goofy, joyous boy around every day and they first had to get used to Luke not living with them anymore but just staying with them from time to time.

″He adores you so much,″ Rylie grinned and shook her head slightly by the picture of Luke clunging to Jay.

″Can I go and play in my fort?″ Luke asked, looking up at him with expectant eyes.

″Sure,″ Jay confirmed and this little word was all it needed for him to run up the stairs and into the room he still considered his. And truth to be told, it was still his room and for as long as he occasionally stayed with them, it would stay his room and with it, the famous fort would stay as well. ″I'm pretty sure he rather adores his fort than me,″ he laughed.

″Probably,″ she winked. ″We built one in his new room, too, but for whatever reason yours is just so much better.″

″It's just been two weeks that he completely lives with you, Ry,″ Jay smiled. ″In a couple of weeks his fort at home will be the better one.″

″I sure hope so. We improve it almost every day,″ Rylie chuckled.

″You wanna come in for a minute?″ he offered, figuring it was awkward to have a conversation in the doorway.

″Yeah, why not,″ she smiled and followed him inside the house and into the living room.

″How are you doing?″ she asked after they settled on the couch, Emmy again resting in Jay's lap.

″I'm fine,″ he answered and handed Emilia a stuffed animal that lay on the couch and would keep her entertained for the duration of their conversation. ″You slowly learn to move on. Because life goes on. Even though the Earth seems to have stopped turning for you.″

″Yeah,″ Rylie only nodded in response, knowing exactly what he was talking about because after losing Ty she'd felt exactly like this. ″And how's Erin?″

″She's...okay,″ he said vaguely. ″There are good days and bad days. It's a progress and slowly but steady, she's getting better but it's still a long way to go,″ he sighed.

″She's very lucky to have such a strong man in her life,″ Rylie smiled faintly.

″Huh,″ Jay only shrugged in response because that was the thing: he wasn't strong. But when surviving loss and being there for your partner, everyone was quick to tell you how strong you were. But actually, no one had a choice to survive grief, did they? It was not optional. You just had to cry in the shower, sob into your pillow and pray you would make it. And that, exactly that, was what he and Erin have been doing in the last few weeks: trying to heal by surviving the grief. Though the road of healing seemed to be an endless one, one they would most likely never stop walking on.

″Have you been in contact with her lately?″ he changed the topic because it didn't feel right to keep on talking about him being strong when he felt weaker than ever before in his life.

″Yeah, we traded a couple of texts. Because with the summer break and no preschool, things will get a little more complicated now, so she asked Carol whether Luke can stay with her during the day over the summer when I have to work,″ Rylie explained.

″Let me guess, Carol said yes?″ Jay asked with a forced smile.

″She did,″ Rylie grinned. ″So when I have to work during the week, I will bring Luke to Carol in the morning and pick him up in the evening. And in case I have to work the weekends, or during the night on weekdays, he will still stay with you.″

″Sounds like a good solution,″ Jay noticed and let Emmy, who squirmed in his arms because being 16 months old a stuffed animal didn't really provide entertainment anymore, down on the floor so she could walk around and pick up some other toys that were spread around in their living room because making this mess disappear hasn't been his priority today.

″It's not ideal. But it's indeed a good solution for our situation,″ she confirmed. ″And in three weeks, I'll have ten days off, so Luke and I have 10 full days to do lots of cool things,″ she added with a beaming smile.

″That's awesome, he'll be so excited!″

″Maybe we could all go to the zoo together during that time?″

″I'm sure we can work something out,″ he answered with a grin. ″Talking about cool things, would you be fine with us taking Luke to a waterpark tomorrow?″

Since the temperatures were already as summerly, he'd earlier checked what kind of weekend adventure they could do on Saturday and he'd figured that a day at the waterpark with Luke and Emmy was another step back to normality, all the slides hopefully providing them a lot of fun and making them forget all their dark thoughts and sorrows for a couple of hours.

″Jay,″ Rylie smiled, ″you know that you guys don't have to ask something like that, right?″

″I know,″ Jay answered. ″I just don't want to anticipate it in case you want to go there with him during your time off.″

″No worries, Luke will be the very last person to complain about going to the waterpark twice,″ she laughed and watching her for a second, Jay still couldn't believe what an amazing young woman and bright light she's become in the last couple of months. Mainly thanks to Erin's help. And he only wished that he could help Erin in such a way as well in the weeks to come, helping her to find her glow again that made her shine like a ray of sunshine and let every room she walked into light up as much that everyone got blinded.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Loaded with countless bags and a huge picnic basket, they conquered some waterpark a little outside of Chicago on the next day and spent the following hours with swimming, sliding, playing in the water of the children's pool and relaxing in the shade of the tree where they'd splayed their picnic blankets and towels.

For the first time in weeks everything felt somehow normal, _really_ normal, this adventure providing just the right amount of distraction, and everyone from the outside would think they were a happy little family enjoying this perfect early summer day. Only that Jay, when he saw his wife in a bikini, couldn't hold back some certain thoughts from invading his mind. Thoughts that by now, she would proudly show off her growing baby bump and could most likely already feel their baby move. Only that even though when she smiled or laughed while sliding down the slide with either Luke or Emilia, Jay knew that most of that smile was keeping it together for the kids's sake and that this wasn't her real laugh, her real smile. It was better than nothing but he missed her real, glowing smile and raspy laugh so much, it actually hurt and he wanted nothing more than being able to bring this exact smile and laugh back to her face. Only that there wasn't this special sparkle in her eyes anymore and he still waited for the day it would return, fearing that it might never come back in its full intensity.

″Jay, can we go on the big slide with the tubes?″ Luke asked after sliding down one of the smaller slides for the 10th time in a row. Thanks to his arm floats he could go on the smaller slides for the younger children all by himself though either Jay or Erin were always close by while the other played with Emmy and her toys in the shallow water.

″That one is huge. You really wanna do that?″ Jay asked.

″Yeeeees!″ he beamed and jumped up and down in front of him like a bouncy ball.

″But there's no going back, okay? Once we're up there, we have to take it.″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly, not being a tad bit scared.

″Alright, then we go on the big slide,″ Jay laughed and took Luke by his hand. ″We'll be back...sometime,″ he told Erin with a chuckle.

″I bet not within the next hour.″ She knew her husband and how he turned into a child in a waterpark like this one, and she knew they would take all of the big slides now and not only one. There was a smile on her lips when she spoke those words out and a tad bit of a teasing undertone in her voice and for the split of a second, Jay's heartbeat doubled its pace because _that's_ the exact banter their relationship was built on, the banter he'd feared they lost. In this moment, for the first time in weeks, he had a feeling that they could make this work: going back to where they once had been. They _would_ make this work. Because next to the deep love they had for each other, their easy banter was still hidden somewhere deep down inside and all they needed was time, not only to heal, but also to learn, to accept, that they were allowed to be flirty and that it was okay to be blithe again even though something was missing. That moving on didn't mean they forgot about their baby. Though of course all of this could only work once the sadness and darkness didn't outweigh everything else anymore and this banter and real smiles weren't just on the spur of the moment. But no one had said that the process of healing would be an easy one.

″Probably,″ he winked back at her before they left and he was sure to see her smile grow when he twinkled at her.

″So Em, what are we going to do now?″ she asked her daughter, who she was carrying on her hip, after watching the boys walking towards the slides. Emilia, their little mermaid, looked absolutely adorable in her colorful bikini and the big sun hat she was wearing.

″Da,″ Emilia said and pointed to one of the smaller slides in the children's pool.

″Of course you want to slide as well,″ she chuckled slightly. ″You're definitely your father's daughter, aren't you?″

They had to take the slide several times as Emilia couldn't get enough. She had an absolute blast sliding down in her mother's lap and so she always wanted more and more and more. Since the sun was really burning, Erin at some point decided that it was better for the both of them to get out of the sun for a while and so they settled on their blankets in the shade while waiting for Jay and Luke to return from their adventure.

″You want something to drink, Emmy?″ Erin asked and offered her daughter the sippy cup with water.

″Yaah pees,″ Emilia answered, using another word she'd learned recently: Please.

″You're such a polite young lady,″ Erin smiled proudly as she handed Emmy the cup, taking a few sips from her own, cooled water as well.

″Da,″ she said once she had enough and handed the almost empty sippy cup back to Erin.

″You were thirsty, weren't you?″ Erin asked and stroked over her daughter's head and her damp hair. ″Do you want to eat some water melon?″

″Yaah,″ Emmy said and reached for the piece of fruit as soon as Erin had grabbed it from their cooling box.

″There you go,″ Erin said, handing one piece to Emmy and taking one for herself.

By the time Emmy had managed to eat her piece all by herself, without any help but of course with her hands being all sticky and some of the juice also all over her body, the boys still weren't back from their trip to the big slides and Erin figured that they probably needed to play the waiting game at each and every slide because they were naturally not the only ones who'd decided to use this picture perfect summer day for a trip to the waterpark.

She took Emmy back to the children's pool, mainly to wash all the sticky stuff from the water melon off, and after playing with some balls in the shallow water for a minute and then picking her up to go to the slide with her again, Emilia only hid her head against her mother's shoulder, letting out some unsatisfied noise.

″You tired, huh?″ Erin asked and kissed her head. ″I guess you better take a nap before you get all cranky and scream the whole waterpark down.″

Instead of sliding countless more times, she went back to all of their blankets and towels and settled her completely beat daughter in her stroller and it said more than enough that Emilia didn't even fight against it. And after pushing it back and forth for not even five minutes, Emilia's eyelids with those long lashes fell close and she was in dreamland, probably dreaming about the adventures of the previous hours.

Erin wasn't alone and without entertainment for too long as Jay and Luke finally returned around ten minutes later, both of them having those beaming, genuine smiles on their faces that let her know they'd had a blast. Erin gave them both something to drink, some sandwiches and water melon from the cooling box and while eating and drinking, Luke talked like a waterfall about all the different slides. It almost seemed like he would never stop and Erin was a little afraid that he would choke on his food if he kept on trying to talk and eat simultaneously.

Since Erin insisted that Luke should better stay out of the sun for a while as the last thing they needed was a kid with a heat stroke, they convinced Luke how much fun it would be to play Uno and to their very surprise, Luke didn't throw a tantrum by not getting what he wanted but accepted their suggestion to play a game. He sure has come a long way as well since last October.

″I'm afraid this is a sign of a heat stroke already,″ Erin murmured into Jay's ear as she looked for the game in their huge bag full of toys.

″It has to be,″ Jay chuckled in response.

The laughters seemed realer than in the last few weeks as they played the game, Jay cracking up when Erin had a plus four that she gave him, but he and Luke had one as well and so she ended up having to take 12 cards and Erin cracking up when the same thing happened the other way around. And it wasn't until she let her gaze wander around after winning a game and Jay and Luke still battling for second and third place, that the little bit of sparkle in her eyes, that has appeared there over the last few hours, went out. Jay recognized that the moment her eyes stayed fixated on something that happened behind him and the way a certain, familiar pain filled her hazel orbs and some bitterness and sadness overshadowed her features, he had a suspicion about what she's seen behind his back.

He turned his head around and followed her gaze, his eyes finding a pregnant woman playing in the children's pool with her toddler. In this moment he not only felt his heart break or ache or getting heavy – or in fact all three of them together - and the entire atmosphere change and not only knew what she was thinking – that this would be her without that fateful day seven weeks ago – but he also knew that every step they took today had been for nothing.

The process of healing: one step forward, two steps back.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The bedroom was completely dark when Jay woke up in the middle of the night, the curtains blocking the moonlight of the full moon from cascading in. He didn't even have to reach for the other side of the bed to know that it was abandoned because this was the exact reason why he'd woken up as well, feeling that Erin wasn't peacefully sleeping next to him anymore.

When his eyes were finally used to the darkness, he saw the curtain of their french window softly blowing in the wind and throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and padding over the wooden floor and out on the balcony, he found Erin sitting on one of the two comfy chairs, her silhouette illuminated by the moonlight as she gazed up to the stars. He could literally hear her thoughts in the quietness of this June night and they were all dancing around what had happened earlier in the waterpark and how only seeing the pregnant woman and her toddler had changed the day from being one of the best in weeks to any other, usual, painful day they had plenty of these days.

″Knock knock,″ he said softly, not wanting to startle her. She did anyway.

By the sound of his voice she turned her head around to face him. ″Hey.″

″Do you mind if I join?″ he asked and motioned his head to the empty chair. He didn't want to intrude in case she rather wanted to be alone with her thoughts although he knew she shouldn't be.

″No,″ she denied and shook her head.

He took the spot next to her, his hand reaching for hers to squeeze it gently as they both gazed up to the starry sky for a while, no further words being needed as their thoughts and emotions were open books for the other anyway. This beautiful and in this case painful connection still worked, despite the distance that was between them these days.

″I hate to see pregnant women,″ Erin whispered at some point and this honest admission was about the last thing he'd expected, especially since she still tried to avoid talking about the baby. ″I hate how they glow and I hate knowing that they feel their baby move. I simply hate everything about them,″ she said and her voice and lips were trembling. ″And I know this makes me sound like the most awful, horrible and bitter person in the world...but I just can't help it. It feels like a stab in the heart every damn time and I...I hate that they have what I lost.″ In the end her voice broke and it was barely a whisper as she blinked some tears away against the dark sky with all the stars. Including their star. Little H.

″I hate it, too,″ Jay admitted quietly. ″Because I know how much it hurts you.″

She turned her head at that and some single tears rolled down her cheeks as his statement overwhelmed her for a reason she didn't know. Probably because this was the confirmation that he was miserable when she was, so that in fact she was the one putting him through this and if it wasn't for her, he would be fine, at least better. And probably because this statement just showed how much he loved her when she wasn't worth this overwhelming, deep love these days. She swallowed hard to keep a sob down and her voice was shaky when she spoke. ″I wonder whether this feeling will ever go away.″

″Eventually, it will,″ Jay said. ″Probably not completely but it will fade. Just like the pain will decrease but somehow never completely go away. And just like we will make it work to bring all these broken pieces of our hearts back together again but something will always be missing. And that's okay, Er,″ he said, his own voice full of emotions. ″Some things are not supposed to get completely fixed and what we went through is one of them.″

″What if this is something that can never get fixed at all?″ she asked quietly and Jay understood the question behind this question. The unspoken one. What if they couldn't get through this? What if they would hit the point of no-repair?

″Er, we can get through this. Together,″ he answered emphatically. ″There will come a day when we feel like we're actually living again. It will take time. But we have all the time in the world. It doesn't have to be okay tomorrow. It doesn't have to be okay next week. It will take as long as it takes. But I promise you that we will make this work because together we're strong.″

″I feel weak.″

″I know,″ Jay only nodded because he didn't know what else to say and honestly, the words _me too_ were hard to hold back. Because he didn't at all feel strong these days as well but tried his best to be strong for her and their family. ″We will take one step at a time. And you know, I think you sharing your feelings tonight was one of these steps.″

At first, she didn't answer anything, just seemed to consider his words. ″Maybe,″ she then shrugged, not being too convinced and they fell into silence again. Silence that has become familiar in the last few weeks but at least tonight it wasn't a silence that caused more pain.

″Come on, let's go back to bed,″ Jay suggested a couple of minutes later and got up, pulling her up as well but she hesitated almost as if her feet were glued to the tiles of their balcony.

″Jay.″ Her voice sounded shy and nervous as she spoke out his name and the request that followed was barely even a whisper. ″Will you maybe just hold me for a minute?″

And just like this, the day took another one-eighty turn. Back to one of the best days in weeks.

The process of healing: It really were the little things.

″Nope,″ he shook his head while he simultaneously wrapped his arms around her to pull her into his embrace. With a smile on his face he kissed her hair and murmured: ″I will hold you for two.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They didn't fall asleep snuggled up in each other's arms but with holding hands. Which was something. Something that felt right. However, in the morning when the sun rose to herald another beautiful summer day, Erin woke up all alone anyway. Because Jay'd been called to a crime scene at 5.30am which meant she would probably not see him before the evening. Even on a Sunday, the maniacs in this city didn't stop with committing crimes that required Chicago's best unit to be on scene, foiling everyone's weekend plans, so they were glad that they'd already been at the waterpark on the previous day to have at least some kind of family weekend.

As it was another sunny, warm day, it wasn't too difficult to keep Luke and Emilia entertained, so after breakfast and their usual morning chaos with two kids that had too much energy, she put some drinks, apple pieces and cookies into the diaper bag as she wanted to take those two rascals – or three in fact, counting Crispin in – to the nearby playgroud where they could skylark all morning.

″Luke, could you please come?″ she called up the stairs as she put Emmy her little sandals on. Luke was still in his room, as always spending as much time as possible in his fort. This was another reason why Erin wanted to spend at least the morning at the playground. If they stayed here, Luke would hide in his fort all day and wouldn't go outside for a minute, even though their garden provided a kiddie pool, a swing and a sandbox. The obsession this kid had with its fort was definitely not healthy.

″I guess we're ready, Em,″ she smiled and picked her daughter up into her arms so she could settle her in the stroller. Emilia looked absolutely adorable in her romper with a floral, summerly pattern, the perfect outfit for a hot summer day, some strands of her quite long, light brown hair pinned back with a hair clip. ″Now we only have to wait for Luke. Isn't that fun?″

″Lu Lu,″ Emilia giggled. It was fascinating to witness how Emilia's variety of words increased almost every day and how she constantly surprised them with being able to say new words and tried to repeat the words they'd just said.

″Exactly, your Luke is still hiding in his fort,″ she sighed and in the moment she wanted to call for him again – experience with this situation had taught her that she needed to call him at least three times – the doorbell was ringing which interrupted her intention.

″Who could that be?″ she frowned, not expecting any visitor, the postman or the delivery guy.

″Mama go,″ Emilia said and pointed to the door.

″No worries bug, I will go and open the door,″ she chuckled slightly by Emmy's clear request.

With Emmy on her hip she took the few steps to open the door and the person she found standing on the porch was about the last person she'd expected to see again. And seeing the shock that reflected from the face she stared into as if it was the mirror of her own face, she quickly came to the conclusion that this was mutual...

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Thanks :-)**


	92. Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

**I'm so incredibly sorry for not updating in almost a month! I always said I want to update at least every two weeks but recently life has just been crazily busy and in between work and private stuff, writing came just way too short (and believe when I tell you I don't like it this way - I'd love to scrawl all my ideas down 24/7 but unfortunately it's just not working like this at the moment). I hope everything will slow down a bit soon because this story is far from being told and I know exactly what'll happen and how this story will end someday. So no worries, I do not plan on ending it anytime soon, as long as you're in, I am as well, it might just take a little more time ;-)**

 **Enough said, here comes the chapter you all had to wait quite a bit for...**

* * *

 **92\. Where There's Smoke, There's Fire**

″Allie,″ Erin breathed out in confusion as her eyes scanned the woman with the porcelaneous face and the long blonde hair. She was pale, her blue eyes sad and tired, dark circles under her eyes and she didn't look too good in general. But neither did Erin these days, so that was something they had in common.

″Erin,″ Allie managed to say, her eyes falling on the toddler Erin was carrying on her hip. She had no idea whether Jay and Allie have had any contact in the last couple of years because honestly, this was something she didn't care about – Jay could trade messages with whomever he wanted to trade messages with because she trusted him with her life in each and every situation and she wasn't the kind of wife who would prohibit him to stay in touch with his ex highschool love – but as she saw Allie's face dropping by the realization that this had to be Jay's kid, she sensed that there probably has been exactly zero contact in at least two years.

″I didn't know you live here,″ Allie smiled sheepishly. ″I was actually looking for Jay,″ she offered as an explanation for her unexpected visit. Not that this was something Erin hasn't figured out on her own.

″Yeah, I bet you're not here for me,″ Erin raised her eyebrows at her. In fact, Erin didn't even know how much more Allie knew about her other than her name and that she had always been Jay's partner at work. And just because she trusted Jay didn't mean she trusted Allie, so her tone was rather unfriendly and cold.

″Uhm...yeah,″ Allie stammered nervously. ″I went to his old apartment and was told that he moved to a different apartment over one-and-a-half years ago. So I went to this other apartment and there I was told he moved to the suburbs last year. I uhm...I had no idea Jay is married and has a baby,″ she said, motioning her hand awkwardly at Emilia and Erin was sure to hear the unspoken 'married _with you'_ and 'has a baby _with you'._

″You thought a guy like Jay stays alone forever?″ Erin asked and her voice wasn't _exactly_ friendly but rather challenging. ″And anyway, I'm pretty sure you saw that on his Facebook and knew about it.″ Her tone was snappy and she knew jumping on this allegation wasn't fair. Especially because she could tell by Allie's face that she's had absolutely no idea about the things that've happened in Jay's life in the last few years. She could read people's faces after all. That was what she did for a living.

″I don't have Facebook, so no, I didn't know,″ Allie answered casually but she couldn't seem to take her eyes away from the toddler. ″What's her name?″

″Emilia,″ Erin answered her question shortly. She really didn't want to extend this small-talk in any way and she was curious to know why Allie was here, why she's come here all the way from Phoenix. Especially since her parents had moved to Phoenix soon after Lonnie Rodiger had been killed as they had finally been able to move on and leave the house that had been their family home. So she actually had no connections to Chicago anymore.

″That's a beautiful name.″

″Yeah, Jay and I thought so, too,″ Erin shrugged. ″Allie, why are you here?″ she then asked bluntly, not wanting to talk around the crunchpoint of this visit any longer.

″I uhm...I need to talk with Jay. Is he home?″ she asked back.

″No, he's at work.″

″On a Sunday?″ Allie frowned.

″Well, the criminals in this city don't care about the weekday they commit a crime and that they rob us off our weekends with it,″ Erin noticed all dry as she heard Luke trampling down the stairs.

Before Allie could answer anything, Luke literally jumped into the picture, exclaiming: ″We can go!″

For the short moment Erin's gaze was still focused on Allie's she could see her face drop even more and furthermore see how the blonde woman was immediately doing the math, trying to figure out whether there was the possibility that Jay'd had two women at the same time for a short time. Whether he'd also had an affair with Erin when he'd slept with her all those years back. And Erin, who of course knew about this short intermezzo – not only because it had been obvious but because Jay'd told her about it at some point - wanted to jump in her face for even considering that Jay was capable of doing something like this.

″Put on your shoes, use the restroom again even if you don't think you have to, wash your hands, bring Crispin's leash and then we can go, okay?″ she asked Luke with a smile and ran her hand through his unruly blonde hair.

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly and ran towards the bathroom.

″That was Luke. Our _foster_ son,″ Erin said, making sure to emphasize the word enough to let Allie know that she knew exactly what she'd just thought.

″Ouh,″ Allie breathed out, her cheeks blushing a little. ″Wow. That's really...impressive. But...uhm...I guess I better go then. I'm sorry I showed up unannounced...it was stupid,″ she stammered and turned around faster than Erin could say anything as if she was in a rush out of a sudden.

″Hey Allie, wait,″ Erin called and she rolled her eyes by her own reaction although she was doing the right thing.

″What?″ she asked as she turned around again, already being halfway down the few steps.

″Leave me your number and I will tell Jay that you were here.″

″Why would you do that?″ Allie frowned and Erin couldn't blame her for being confused and surprised because so far her attitude hasn't indicated that she was in any way interested in helping Allie to meet Jay.

″Because you came all the way from Phoenix. And I don't care why, that's none of my business, but I can tell that it's important. For you and probably for Jay as well. And whatever is important for Jay is important for me. So just leave me your number and tell me where you stay and I will pass him those infos.″

″Thank you,″ Allie whispered and not only by the sound of her voice but also by the tears looming in her eyes, Erin could tell that she was truly thankful.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay returned from work in the late afternoon, finding Erin, Luke, Emilia and Crispin in the garden, Luke jumping on the trampoline they'd bought recently and Emilia cruising through the grass on her Bobbycar. Their case had turned out not to be a particular complicated one and after some short investigations, they'd already tied all the loose ends up and Hank had sent them home as they could easily do all the paperwork tomorrow.

Erin sat on the steps that led from the patio into their garden, Crispin lying next to her with his head resting on her thighs as they both watched the kids occupying themselves, a homemade smoothie in her hand.

″Hey babe,″ he said when he sat down next to her.

″Hey,″ she smiled faintly and gave him a quick kiss that was nothing more but a peck.

″Dada!″ Emilia exclaimed excitedly when she spotted her father sitting on the steps and she left her little car behind to run towards him.

″Hey bug,″ he smiled brightly and picked her up to settle her in her lap. ″Did you miss me today?″

″No,″ Emmy giggled and snuggled closer against his chest.

″She's probably as bad of a liar as you are,″ Erin chuckled.

″Hey, at least something this kid's got from me,″ he laughed.

″Yeah,″ she grinned at him and Emmy, her favorite duo.

″Mama,″ Emilia said and reached for the smoothie in Erin's hand.

″You wanna try that?″ Erin asked and handed her daughter the smoothie.

″There you go,″ Jay said, holding the glass for her so she could take some sips through the straw.

″Do you like it?″ Erin asked and Emilia nodded her head in response as she was too occupied with drinking.

″How was your day?″ Jay then asked Erin.

″The usual madness,″ she shrugged and bit her lips with her teeth as she contemplated whether she should already tell him about Allie or first really let him come home and enjoy some moments with his daughter and Luke. She quickly decided to do it right here and right now because what's done was done. ″I had an unexpected visitor today...real strange encounter...″

″Huh?″ he furrowed a brow, his curiosity all visible. ″Who was it?″

″Allie,″ she answered his question casually, waiting for his reaction.

″Allie?″ he frowned and apparently he was either making sure he's heard right or he didn't know who she was talking about.

″Your highschool flame Allie,″ Erin chuckled.

″What?″ he uttered and it seemed like only now the information was settling. ″What on earth would Allie do here?″

″I don't know, Jay,″ she admitted honestly. ″But it seemed to be important. She's staying at the Sheraton Hotel in downtown until tomorrow morning and I think you should go and see her.″

″Did she say anything?″ he dug deeper.

″No,″ she denied. ″But I didn't ask for her reasons of being here. She just seemed rattled...and...I think something happened that made her fly all the way from Phoenix to Chicago so she can tell you in person.″

When speaking this thought out loud, this thought that has swirled through her mind ever since Allie had left, she had no idea how right and close to the truth she was.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Jay only took a quick shower to wash all the dirt and sweat from work off and they then decided to all go to downtown together so they could have a nice family dinner later and end their day with a stroll along Chicago's famous lakefront for the first time in months. He dropped Erin, Luke, Emilia and Crispin off in the heart of downtown from where the four of them strolled to Navy Pier, where they took some rides on the carousel and one with the Centennial wheel while Jay met his ex highschool girlfriend at her hotel.

Since going to some restaurant with two kids was never something truly enjoyable, they all just took something to go from the food lounge at Navy Pier as soon as Jay was back and then walked to the farthest point of Navy Pier to settle on some bench and eat their unusual dinner in the evening sun. Making sure that neither Luke nor Emmy caused a complete mess with their food was quite the challenge and they didn't have the chance to talk about Allie and her reasons of being in Chicago until they later strolled all the way from Navy Pier to the Planetarium.

Jay pushed the empty stroller as they walked side by side, Emilia and Luke walking in front of them with Crispin, both of them proudly holding the leash. But it wasn't him who started talking, it was her. Ever since returning, Jay's seemed absent, like his mind was at some different place, his eyes empty and his voice beat and Erin could tell that whatever Allie had told him wasn't good news.

″So, what did Allie want?″ she asked carefully as they walked along the lakefront and next to Chicago's impressive skyline.

″It's uhm...it's her dad...,″ he said, his gaze focused on the lake and all the sailing boats in front of them. ″He...he was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of months ago and they thought he could beat it...but they were wrong.″ He had to swallow hard, his emotions threatening to take the better of him. ″He was always like a father to me, you know, when I was a teenager and my own father was anything but the man I looked up to. So she came to tell me that he only has a couple of weeks left...maybe days,″ he said and inhaled a deep breath. ″And she asked me to come with her to Phoenix to say goodbye.″

″So you will fly to Phoenix with her tomorrow?″ she asked, her voice soft and quiet.

″Uhm no,″ he answered and looked at her for the first time since their conversation's started. ″I told her that I can't leave my family right now,″ he said meaningfully and of course Erin understood what he meant. That with what had happened in the last few weeks, he didn't want to leave his family because their life was still far away from being back to normal and everything was still fragile, yesterday's happenings at the waterpark being the best proof for that. He didn't want to go because he knew she needed him to be there, even though she hasn't admitted that thus far.

″Jay,″ she whispered and placed her hand atop his. ″I'm not holding you back-″

″I know,″ he interrupted her. ″I know you don't. But it just doesn't feel right to leave now.″

″It'll only be a couple of days. And I will be alright, okay?″ she asked as her hand traveled up to cup his cheek and stroke over his stubbles softly. ″I will be alright,″ she repeated her words emphatically and when she pressed her lips against his in a kiss that was so much more than just a peck, a kiss that was electrifying and felt like coming home, he knew she would.

Their kiss ended too quick for his liking anyway and when she looked at him afterwards, her eyes had one of the softest expressions he's ever seen, those angel eyes being all he focused on when she whispered: ″I don't wanna be the reason that you can't say goodbye to the man who was your father-figure when you had none.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was while Jay was gone, when for the first time in weeks, Erin felt ready for an evening with two of her best friends, Rylie and Kim, as the loneliness and isolation she'd appreciated since the day of her miscarriage suddenly felt wrong. While resting on the couch all alone and the TV providing entertainment, the thought of an evening with the girls brought a smile to her face and that was the moment she realized that she was ready for company again.

She texted them right away, asking them whether they wanted to come over on the next day, Wednesday evening, for a girl's night, since Jay would only come home on Thursday evening. And although she's been the worst friend possible in the last few weeks, they didn't let her down and texted back that they were in within five minutes.

And so Kim and Rylie came to the Halstead house on Wednesday evening, which unfortunately turned out to be a rainy one with a huge thunderstorm that foiled their plans of a nice evening on the patio with some wine and snacks. Due to the weather, they settled on the couch, snacks and wine provided anyway, so they could later watch a movie.

″I'm glad you two came...although I was a horrible friend in the last few weeks,″ Erin said quietly as they all held their glasses to clink them.

″Erin, there's nothing you have to apologize for,″ Kim said honestly.

″Kim's right,″ Rylie agreed. ″But this is to our reunion anyway,″ she smiled and raised her glass.

″To our reunion,″ Erin and Kim echoed simultaneously as they all clinked their glasses and took some sips from the cool, white wine.

The moment Erin saw the beautiful, shiny ring on Kim's finger though, she was sure that this wine was the last thing she would ever drink as she choked on the beverage which resulted in some heavy coughs caused by the liquid going down the wrong way. Of course Kim knew immediately what she'd picked up on and smiled sheepishly. This ring was too bright and shiny to oversee it.

″Adam popped the question?″ she croaked when she was more or less able to speak again.

″Uh...yeah,″ Kim smirked and her cheeks blushed. ″Two weeks ago actually. When we made a weekend trip to Toronto and the Niagara Falls.″

″About damn time,″ Erin chuckled. ″Why didn't he walk into the bullpen like a champion on the Monday after?″

″Well, we decided to keep this to ourselves for a little while. Just because last time our engagement ended as such a mess. No one other than our families knows and I don't wear my ring at work. But tonight I thought it was the right time to tell my best friend,″ she smiled at Erin.

″Kim,″ Erin whispered emotionally and wrapped her arms around the brunette. ″I am so so so happy for you,″ she said and really meant it with all her heart. ″Congratulations.″

″Congratulations, Kim,″ Rylie grinned and hugged her after Erin.

″Thank you,″ Kim smiled brightly.

″So when's the big day?″ Erin asked.

″Well, we're a little late for a summer wedding now but we don't want to wait another year as a long engagement was what broke our necks last time,″ she chuckled. ″So we will buck the trend and marry on December 1st.″

″It doesn't matter whether it's winter or summer because it will be the best day of your life no matter what,″ Erin smiled. ″Jay and I, we wouldn't have waited until July if it wasn't for me wanting to get back in shape after Emmy's birth and wanting my body to look perfect for the only day I would ever wear a wedding dress,″ she laughed. It was still not her real, famous Erin-laugh. But it was a laugh. ″And I think 1st December is a great date.″

″Yeah, I like it, too,″ Kim smirked. ″There are lots of things rolling already but there's one thing...and I know you have a lot on your plate, Erin...″ she stammered and Erin tried to make sense of her half-finished sentences. ″But I wanted to ask you whether you will be my bridesmaid.″

″There's nothing I'd rather do,″ Erin immediately smiled back at her friend. ″So yes, I want to be your bridesmaid and I will stand right next to you on your special day.″

″This means the world to me,″ Kim said as they hugged each other again. ″Do you think Emmy wants to be my flowergirl? And probably Luke my flowerboy?″

″I can't speak for Emmy but I think Luke would love to do that,″ Rylie smiled. ″You know he loves all the attention.″

″In case you're prepared for a possible chaos I think Emmy would love to be your flowergirl,″ Erin laughed.

They kept on talking about the proposal and the upcoming wedding and Erin really liked the prospect of being distracted with her friend's wedding planning in the next few weeks and months because every kind of distraction was a welcome one. Eventually they moved on to talk about other things, like the zumba class where Erin's presence has been tremendously missed and when they asked her whether she wanted to join again because it wasn't the same without her, she agreed on coming back soon, probably already next week.

The movie they watched later, while the thunderstorm slowly disappeared into the distance, was a typical feminist movie they'd all already seen countless times but could still watch anytime: Dirty Dancing. And it was half an hour into the film when Erin remembered how this had been Camille's favorite film and how they'd watched it several times, how they'd even danced along before her insidious illness had taken away all her strength, and it was one certain memory that stood out. The one when they'd watched the movie for the very last time, a couple of days before Camille Voight had passed away and heaven gained an angel.

″ _Something important?″ The rough voice of her partner, her mentor in fact, made her look up from the text message on her phone to him. Bernardo Alonso, a man most people and young cops were afraid of. She wasn't. Over the past two years that she's mainly worked with him and she'd been able to crack him and she truly appreciated every day that she was allowed to work with him. He was great police, knew exactly how to handle the Southside and he's taught her more than she'd learned at the Academy. Working the beat with him was her education and it was better than any college class, not only because thanks to him she understood the Spanish language now and could now even communicate in a different language than English._

″ _Uhm, just Hank,″ Erin answered, shoving her phone back into the pocket of the jacket of her patrol uniform._

″ _So it was important,″ the older cop more stated than asked, his eyes focused on the road as they drove through a neighborhood on the Southside._

″ _Yeah,″ Erin admitted. ″He wants to take Justin to the Cubs game tonight and asked me whether I can come to their house and take care of Camille. She can't be left alone but Justin could really use some distraction.″_

″ _I understand,″ Alonso answered. Everyone knew about the condition of Hank Voight's wife, mainly because Hank hasn't worked overtime in weeks so he could be at home with his sick wife in the evenings while during the day nurses took care of her, and everyone knew that it was just a matter of time now. ″What did you tell him?″_

″ _Nothing so far. I mean our shift just started so I wouldn't be able to be at Hank's house before 10 tonight and that's too late. But I can't bring myself to tell him, so I postpone it until later,″ she shrugged._

″ _Erin,″ Alonso said and pulled over to park the car on the side of the street. ″You pull that phone out of your pocket now and text him back. And you won't text him that you can't come but that you will be there at 6pm.″_

″ _That's in three hours,″ Erin frowned._

″ _Exactly,″ Alonso nodded. ″And I will be the one to take care that you're there in time.″_

 _Whether it was the glance in his eyes or his words that overwhelmed her she didn't know but she had a whole lot of trouble to keep her tears at bay. ″Thank you,″ she whispered and was glad that she could turn her attention to her phone and the message she was typing or she would otherwise really start to cry in front of her mentor._

 _The tears came in the evening, when she saw Camille Voight for the first time in three days and had to realize how much she's changed and how much weaker and closer to death she looked compared to some short three days ago. The doctors weren't even talking about weeks anymore. Just days. And she desperately wished it were days and not hours because she didn't want to be alone with her when it happened._

″ _Hey Erin,″ Camille smiled faintly when she recognized her pseudo-daughter standing in the doorway of her bedroom that was actually the guest room that they'd transformed into Camille's bedroom._

″ _Hey,″ Erin smiled back and sat down on the edge of Camille's hospital bed for home care. ″I heard we have a girl's night tonight.″_

″ _We do,″ Camille nodded. Her bright blue eyes were glazed over, some side-effect of the morphine she was constantly on and that made her last days bearable. ″You look beautiful today,″ she smiled and brought her hand up to stroke over Erin's hair and cheek._

″ _I don't,″ she blushed. ″The Southside robbed all my energy again today.″_

″ _Sometimes I still can't believe you're a cop.″_

″ _One day I'll be a Detective,″ Erin said with a huge amount of determination in her voice. That was her dream, her goal. To become a Detective. One hell of a Detective in fact. To bring even more justice to the streets. Just like Hank._

″ _I know you will,″ Camille smiled sadly, not speaking out what they both knew: that she wouldn't be there on the special day in a couple of years when the superintendent would give her her brandnew Detective-badge._

″ _Anyway,″ Erin breathed out, trying her best to shake these thoughts, about Camille leaving them soon, off. ″I thought we could watch our favorite film.″_

″ _I think that's a great idea,″ Camille smiled tiredly._

 _Erin put the DVD in and lay down next to Camille, wrapping her arm protectively around the only woman she would ever consider her mother. They mostly watched the movie in silence, both of them knowing that this was the last time they would watch it together, and the silence was only interrupted when Camille asked Erin whether she could give her her glass with water so she could take some sips through the straw._

 _They hummed along with the songs and as always said some of the dialogues, that they knew by heart, along with the actors. In the end, silent tears were streaming down Erin's face. And Camille's as well. That was it. The last time they'd shared this precious moment._

″ _We could watch it again next week,″ Erin whispered, wiping her tears away with her hand and being in complete denial that there was a huge likelihood that this had been the last time of them sharing this wonderful mother-daughter moment._

″ _Erin,″ Camille said. ″We both know that next week will most likely not come for me.″_

″ _Maybe you're beating the odds,″ she sobbed and although she was 23 years old she wasn't embarrassed by one single of her tears. ″Maybe you have a couple more months. I don't want you to go, Camille. You were the first person that showed me that mothers can be selfless and loving and caring... and I...I just can't lose you.″_

″ _My sweet girl,″ Camille cried. ″You are the daughter we never thought we would get. You were the answer to our prayers, the piece of us that has been missing. You are the strongest girl I know and I know you will be strong for my boys once I'm gone. They will need you.″_

″ _I'm not strong, Camille.″_

″ _You are. Believe me,″ she whispered and kissed Erin's hair soothingly. ″You know, sometimes I wish I would have listened to my body better. Would have followed my intention that after so many miscarriages, there had to be something wrong with my uterus. If they had diagnosed it earlier...″ Her voice broke as she was shaken by another heavy sob. ″Promise me...promise me that when you one day have the slightest feeling that something could be wrong with your body, you will go and see a doctor. Promise me you won't stop bugging them until they made every test possible. Because usually, where there's smoke, there's fire.″_

 _With the tears still running down her cheeks like a river, she nodded and whispered: ″I promise.″_

 _They watched the film again that evening. And Camille Voight joined the stars six days later when she died in the presence of her family._

Erin had the feeling that her stomach turned as she remembered these final moments with Camille and one of their last conversations and suddenly, she just wanted to be alone again, in the isolation of her bedroom. Because she was about to freak out. _This_ was how it had started with Camille: with miscarriages. With her body not being able to carry a baby to term after a first successful pregnancy. Her miscarriages had been the first sign that something was wrong with her uterus but no one had figured that out back then. They'd only figured it out when it was too late already and no one could really help her anymore.

The air threatend to get stuck in her throat and the knots in her stomach tightened when she wondered whether her miscarriage was also her body trying to tell her something. What if it had a reason after all and wasn't just fate? What if she was having a dangerous or even deadly disease as well? What if it would be too late for her as well and she could never see her daughter grow up? Could not attend her first day at school, be there the first time a boy picked her up for a date and couldn't see her in her dress on the night of her prom? What if her miscarriage was a crystal clear sign that something was terribly wrong with her uterus or her health?

The movie continued without her paying any attention to it and she barely recognized when it was over. Only Kim saying that she would go now and Rylie asking whether she could let Luke sleep in the bedroom upstairs and sleep in the guest room tonight as well brought her back to reality. Even though her mind was preoccupied with the thoughts that she had to go to Chicago Med first thing in the morning, she managed to answer Rylie's question with yes and was able to say goodbye to Kim.

She was glad – though glad was not really the right word in this case - when she was alone in her bedroom though her thoughts were asking the same what-if questions in one never-ending circle and there was no sleep coming that night.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The days in Phoenix had been hard. Some of the hardest in his life for sure. He was glad that he'd been able to say goodbye to Denny and to be there for Gail, who'd always treated him like a son. No one knew whether Allie's dad had only a couple days left or a couple of weeks but what they all knew was that there was no chance of healing and that saying goodbye to him this morning had been a goodbye forever.

Being back in the familiar streets of Chicago now, he felt a lot better, the thought of seeing Erin and Emmy again being enough to make him smile. In the plane earlier, he'd even thought about a possible summer vacation. They haven't talked about this since losing their baby but with the way things have progressed in the last few days before he'd left for Phoenix it was maybe the right time to bring a possible trip to the cabin up. A couple of days away from everything, in the wilderness of Northern Wisconsin, the place they both loved so much. Some family downtime sounded beyond appealing right now and it could for sure take their minds off and help them to heal even more.

And after landing, when he'd turned his flight mode off, he'd gotten more good news as the screen of his phone flashed up with a new message from Will. It had been a photo of Natalie's hand, the ring of their mother perfectly resting on her finger, the photo captioned with the words: _she said yes._ His big brother would marry. He still couldn't believe it but damn was he happy for him. He couldn't wait to hug him once they were back from their trip to Cancun. And he couldn't wait to tell Erin about these news that Will and Natalie would soon tie the knot.

Finally some good news. After so many bad ones.

Entering their house after finally making it through rush hour, it was as late that Emilia was most likely already sleeping, the quietness in the house confirming this suspicion. He left his carry-on bag in the hallway and quickly took his shoes off before he walked into the living room, where he expected Erin to relax on the couch with the TV running. But the room was empty and dark and so he figured that she had to be in their bedroom, watching TV there.

He walked up the stairs and opening the door of their bedroom, his heart sunk to his knees by the picture he was provided with and he felt hot and cold and taken back in time all at once. Erin was sitting on the bed, her knees pulled into her chest and her arms wrapped around them. But this wasn't what made him feel like he was stepping back in time to a couple of weeks ago. It was the empty, almost lifeless look in her eyes. The look he knew too well because it had been her steady companion for weeks after losing the baby. Only recently some very very tiny sparks had returned into her eyes. But now there was nothing. And he knew in this moment, when she didn't even realize that he was standing there because she wasn't a part of this world right now and was only surrounded by darkness, that something had happened that's shattered her world to the core. Again. That the bad news would just keep coming.

″Erin,″ he whispered carefully but there was no reaction coming from her.

″Hey babe,″ he said a little louder and crossed the room to sit down next to her and make his presence known.

″Er,″ he said more emphatically, placing his hand on her leg, and finally, there was a reaction. She didn't startle or pull her leg away, she just slowly turned her head to him and the amount of pain and sadness that reflected from her hazel orbs made all the healed pieces of his heart break again. And her current state of mind was as scary that a part of him didn't even want to know what was going on. Because he wasn't sure whether he would be able to manage any more bad news, whether he could possibly take any more bad news at all. Or whether whatever it was that had ruined the whole process of healing and had brought her back to square one, was something that would simply push him over the edge as well.

″What's going on?″ he asked and as much as he tried, he couldn't hide the nervousness in his voice.

″Is one going to be enough?″ Her lips moved slowly and her voice was faint and didn't sound like Erin at all.

″What?″ Jay uttered, being confused what she was talking about.

″Is one going to be enough?″ she asked once more, unshed tears looming in her eyes as those words left her lips for a second time.

″One what?″ he frowned.

″One baby,″ she breathed out and took her gaze away from him again to stare at some spot on the wall.

″I still don't know...-″

″Yesterday,″ she interrupted him, ″when the girls were here, we watched Dirty Dancing and I remembered the day when Camille and I watched that film for the last time before she died...″ she said and inhaled a deep breath, Jay scanning her sternly. He wished he had any idea where she wanted to go with this but he was absolutely clueless and this made him beyond anxious.

″I remembered how she told me that she had so many...miscarriages... but no doctor picked ever up on that. No one saw the connection and figured out that something was terribly wrong with her...″ She whispered towards the end and couldn't hold back one single tear from falling. ″She told me how she wished she would've recognized it earlier herself because usually where there's smoke, there's fire. So I started to wonder whether maybe...″ her voice trailed off.

Jay could feel his stomach turn by her words. ″Babe, the doctor told us that there was no reason for the miscarriage. You're not sick, okay?″ he asked and squeezed her leg gently.

″No,″ she shook her head and inhaled another deep breath, still abstaining from looking at him. ″I went to see Dr Hanson this morning and wanted her to do every test possible to make sure that there's nothing wrong with me that would in a couple of years turn out to be something very serious. I spent the whole day there...and in the end, I got answers...″ Her voice trailed off once again and Jay had the feeling that he was close to a heartattack and throwing up because he _knew_ Dr Hanson had found something.

″Er, what did she say?″ he asked quietly, not only his voice full of fear but also his eyes and he could feel his heart beating in his throat.

″Remember how I told you how I'm not allowed to be happy and how my past always comes back to haunt me?″ she asked rhetorically and turned her head back to face him. ″The abortion that I had when I was fifteen...apparently there was some damage done to my uterus,″ she swallowed down a sob. ″Emilia...she's a miracle...″ she whispered before she reluctantly dropped the bomb that shattered Jay's world again and both their worlds were broken into so many pieces by now that it equalled a mission impossible to put them back together. ″Because my...my uterus is as unstable that the chances of the fetus surviving the first trimester are 15%.″

 _Damage, uterus, miracle, 15%, first trimester,_ those were the words that rang in his head, that sent his world spining as he tried to make sense of what she'd just said, as his mind tried to process the news she's just given him and he decided this had to be one of these nightmares, probably the worst of all of them. _Is one gonna be enough?_ Suddenly this question made sense. Because one was all they would ever get as they would most likely not risk going through this heartbreak of a miscarriage again when chances were only 15%.

″And probably you should be with someone who can give you all the kids...like Allie...″ Her sobs pulled him out of his daze, of his thoughts swirling through his mind as fast that he was all dizzy.

″One is all we need,″ he interrupted her, those words leaving his mouth all by themselves, and he cupped her cheek with his hand to wipe away the tears. Beyond the shock and sadness about these news, about this new cruelty they had to face, and probably because right now he was still in denial that this was what life had in store for them, he knew exactly what he wanted to tell her. ″A couple of weeks ago, I told you that when I promised you all these things in my vows, I was counting on forever. And this doesn't change our forever, Erin. You and Emmy, you're all I ever need. And one is fine. It's enough.″

She wanted to believe his words, she really wanted, but she knew how much he's always wanted to have another child. Knew that right now he was hiding his heartbreak away in order to give her comfort and tell her what she needed to hear. Knew that these news haven't really settled with him so far. Knew that he was in denial as much as she was. Knew that this was her fault and that he was paying the price for something she'd done 18 years ago.

Ever since the miscarriage she'd told herself that she never wanted to try for a baby again but now being robbed of the chance of having another baby, she realized that even after all the heartbreak that they've been through, the wish to add another one to their brood would eventually have outweighed her plans of never wanting to try again. And now fate punched her in the gut for a countless time by not even giving her a chance to consider to try again at some point.

"One day you will wake up and realize that I kept you from something you've always wanted," she whispered.

"Er, I already have everything I've always wanted. And that's you," he said. "And Emmy. You two are my life and nothing's _ever_ going to change that."

Jay wrapped his strong arms around her, her tears immediately soaking through the fabric of his shirt as she hid her head against his chest. And although she couldn't see him, she knew he was crying as well. Because she could feel it. How he was trying to hold it together but she felt how his body was involuntarily shaking sometimes and how his tears fell into her hair. Right now they were standing at the cliff together. And if they didn't have each other, they would probably jump. And all because of her. Because of the decision she'd made a lifetime ago, the decision she was paying the price for now. The price not only she had to pay, but the man in whose arms she found solace, as well. When he was the very last person who deserved to pay such a high price.

″I love you,″ he murmured into her hair as if he knew exactly what she needed to hear. And probably he did. ″I love you. I love you.″

She lifted her head and looked at him, and Jay was sure despite everything they've been through, this was the most fragile and vulnerable glance she's ever allowed him to see. ″Still?″ she whispered.

″More.″

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

In the days that followed it was like walking on eggshells around each other again, every move being cautiously made as those news and the clear consequences that came with it were a setback. All the little steps they'd taken before were somehow gone now as the distance returned and they were back at square one when it came to rebuilding their life and finding easiness, levity and happiness again. Three things that right now seemed to be on an entire different planet that was probably not reachable anytime soon.

Even a week after Erin's diagnosis, Jay still hasn't told her about his idea of spending a couple of days at the cabin. It hasn't felt right. And if he was being honest with himself, he didn't expect her to get all excited about a trip to Wisconsin and he probably just wanted to protect himself from her possible reaction. Holding her one week ago, and telling her he loved her, had been the closest he's gotten to her. Ever since, she was walling herself off again and they were back at keeping it together for Emilia. He knew she was still blaming herself for this, had the feeling that she'd robbed him of something because it was her fault that they couldn't have another child, felt like a letdown and could therefore not bear him being close. She of course hadn't told him that. But he knew. He knew his wife and he knew exactly what was going on inside of her, probably better than she did herself.

He had, however, told her about Will's and Natalie's engagement, because this was something he couldn't keep for himself as those news would travel fast and as there was a big engagement party on the last weekend of June, a little over a week after their latest heartbreak. He'd been able to convince her to attend the party as well and so they'd both put on their brave faces for a couple of hours. Erin's always been good at pretending and the afternoon at Will's and Natalie's place proved no different. From the outside everything seemed almost normal. And the little bit that seemed off could still get ascribed to their loss.

″Lots of weddings coming up in the next few months,″ Erin mentioned in the evening after coming home, when they strolled through their neighborhood with Crispin and Emmy, the latter being as beat from playing with Owen all afternoon that she rather wanted to sit in her stroller today.

″Yeah,″ Jay agreed. ″Izzie and Paul in late October, Kim and Adam in December and Will and Natalie in April," he noticed and continued after a few seconds as if he had to contemplate his next words. "And you know what's coming up in four weeks?″

Of course she did. As if she would ever forget that date. Or their anniversary in general. ″You mean on 29 July?″ she asked and there were actual hints of a smile on her face.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay smiled back. ″If I suggested to go out for some fancy dinner that night, would you be in?″ Was it ridiculous or ridiculous that he had to ask his wife whether she wanted to go out to celebrate their first anniversary? It was ridiculous. But it was the pace they were going with these days. One foot in front of the other. Slowly but steady.

″I guess I would like that,″ she smiled shyly and to Jay it almost seemed like she found it as ridiculous as he did.

″Great. I'll find us some nice place to go then,″ he said with a wink before they fell into silence again though compared to previous days and weeks, it's a comfortable one.

″If I...,″ Jay said when they rounded the corner of their street a couple of minutes later, finding confidence in their previous, short conversation. ″If I suggested to go to the cabin for a couple of days in August, would you be in as well?″

She seemed to consider his words for a minute and then placed her hand on his arm, which made him stop walking and pushing the stroller. ″I would love that,″ she answered with a faint smile and gave him a short peck.

″Perfect,″ he grinned like a kid on Christmas morning and leaned down to give her a short kiss as well.

They both had small smiles on their faces when they arrived in front of their house but those smiles turned into a frown when they saw Olive standing on their porch, desperately hammering against their door with a force that would probably break it rather sooner than later.

″Olive?″ Erin called and when the woman with the blonde curls turned around to face them by the sound of Erin's voice, they already got some answers as to why she came over.

Tears were running down her cheeks and her whole body was shaking, heartbreak written across her face. After taking some very small steps into the right direction just in the last couple of minutes it now became crystal clear that they couldn't and wouldn't catch a break and Erin and Jay didn't need to be clairvoyants to figure out that the bad news would just keep coming...

* * *

 **Well, don't hate me now. Remember how I told you over and over again that I know exactly where I want this story to go? Believe it or not, everything that happened in this chapter has been figured out since the very early days of this story (so for over 2 years - that's crazy, right?). And I still know exactly where I want this story to go, so thanks for trusting me ;-)**


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